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1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:03,269
Hey, what's going on here?
2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:04,371
You guys having
a doughnut sale?
3
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:05,612
No-- Christine,
4
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,206
those are for the
dance committee.
5
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,238
Do you want to volunteer?
6
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,382
Um...
7
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,393
Uh, no, I can't.
8
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,445
I'm a single mom with no nanny
9
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,493
and a full-time job
that I go to sometimes, so...
10
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,161
Fine, don't volunteer.
11
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,759
But we're not spying on
Ritchie for you at the dance.
12
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,560
Nice try. Ritchie's
not going to the dance.
13
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,533
There're girls there.
14
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,242
No, he's going. Britney B asked
him and he said yes.
15
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:37,143
Britney B?!
16
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,338
Which one is that?
17
00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:40,569
Oh, is that the one
with the gray tooth?
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,614
No, that's Britney L.
19
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,239
Boy haircut?
20
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:44,354
That's Britney M.
21
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,305
Crazy eyes?
22
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:47,854
No, Christine,
that's Britney K.
23
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,618
How do you not know
your Britneys?
24
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:52,547
It's like you
don't even care.
25
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,793
Christine, Britney B is the
most popular girl in school.
26
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,658
That Britney B?!
27
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,457
She asked Ritchie
to go to the dance?
28
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,859
She's totally cute!
29
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,260
(gasps) She was an extra
in High School Musical.
30
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,733
How did this happen?
31
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,331
I don't know, I just
figured it was
32
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:08,673
a Make-A-Wish
Foundation thing.
33
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,139
All I know is it broke
my poor Kelsey's heart.
34
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:14,139
Oh, your daughter wanted to go
to the dance with Ritchie too?
35
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,682
Oh, God,
of course not, no.
36
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:19,446
No, Kelsey has a little
thing for Britney B.
37
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:20,647
Shut up!
38
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,448
It's normal for this age.
39
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:25,190
Yeah. Doesn't help that she
wears steel-toe Doc Martens.
40
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,716
May turn a few heads
in the girls' locker room,
41
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,420
but boys like dainty.
42
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,392
You know, it's for safety.
43
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:32,191
She's accident-prone.
44
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,403
And she likes boys...
and softball.
45
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,896
And field hockey.
46
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,627
And Hilary Swank.
47
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,771
I don't believe this. I mean,
our girls don't have dates;
48
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,270
Ritchie's with Britney B;
49
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,642
up is down,
black is blonde.
50
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,710
I can't believe this!
51
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,709
Ritchie is going with the most
popular girl in the class?
52
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:54,282
I mean, that means
he's not going to be alone.
53
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,452
That means I might
get grandchildren.
54
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,590
Blonde grandchildren.
55
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,186
Me, with blonde
grandchildren!
56
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,519
Oh, we did it, Grandpa!
57
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,666
Huge news!
58
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,238
We did it! We're popular!
59
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,868
We are?
60
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,342
Oh, not you, losers.
61
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,611
We, me and Ritchie.
62
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,909
Ritchie maybe.
63
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,251
And I guess there are
certain army bases
64
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,247
where you could be popular.
65
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:31,719
Hey, I support the troops.
66
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:35,219
Okay, it is the first dance
of seventh grade,
67
00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:38,763
the one that sets the tone
for the rest of your life,
68
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,729
and Ritchie...
(smug chuckle)
69
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,758
is going with Britney B,
70
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:46,373
the most popular girl
in the class.
71
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,767
What?! Britney B?!
72
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,598
The girl with the
big red eyebrow
73
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,643
is the most popular girl
in class?
74
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,639
No, that's one of the Chelseas.
75
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,812
My God, it's like
you don't even care.
76
00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:01,380
Yes, it is very much like that.
77
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,746
Ritchie!
78
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,491
Ritchie, get down here,
honey, please!
79
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:06,986
(shrill):
Ritchie, get down here, please!
80
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,257
Hurry, your mom's popular!
81
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,488
Why would the most
popular girl ask Ritchie?
82
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:14,764
I don't know, Barb.
83
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,632
But let me tell you something.
84
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,330
When your fortune changes,
you do not ask questions.
85
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,703
I mean, it's like
when I got that second
86
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,272
20%-off coupon
for Bed Bath and Beyond,
87
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,712
remember, it showed up
in my mailbox?
88
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,376
I did not ask questions, okay?
89
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,335
I just marched myself
right down to that store
90
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,383
and I got myself
a neck vibrator.
91
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:37,653
Yeah, no, it can also
work on your neck.
92
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,824
Oh, there he is,
93
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,294
swaggering down the stairs
like a rock star.
94
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,334
Look at you, big shot!
95
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,929
Two pounds away from
sitting in the front seat.
96
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,735
Ritchie, why didn't you
tell me you had a date
97
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,507
for the dance next weekend?
98
00:03:58,506 --> 00:03:59,506
I don't know.
99
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:00,507
It's stupid.
100
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,878
Stupid.
101
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,575
That's how the
popular guys talk.
102
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,308
Because they can.
103
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,324
Because they're popular.
104
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,493
Oh, Ritchie, I am
so happy for you.
105
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,515
Being popular is the most
important thing in the world.
106
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,392
I thought you said it wasn't.
107
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,960
Oh, that's when
we weren't popular.
108
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:20,733
Okay, come, sit down.
109
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,358
We're gonna get
this right, buddy.
110
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,033
So, what do you need
for the big night?
111
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:27,341
Let's see, I need a tuxedo,
a corsage and a limousine.
112
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,865
Wow, okay, well, how about
some slacks from Target,
113
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,910
a flower from the yard
and a Prius?
114
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,375
Then I might as well
not go at all.
115
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,335
Okay, wait, wait.
116
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,354
Mom, Mom, all the other kids are
getting limousines and tuxedos.
117
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,647
And Britney's expecting it.
118
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,618
(shrill):
And it's Britney B!
119
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,046
(hysterically):
She was an extra
in High School Musical!
120
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,791
Okay, okay, honey, honey,
calm down, all right?
121
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,887
We'll get you
a tuxedo and a limousine.
122
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,619
I know it's important
123
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,864
to do the exact same thing
that other kids are doing.
124
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,830
What are you teaching him?
125
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,726
It's Britney B, okay?
126
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,001
She was an extra
in High School Musical!
127
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,399
Okay, don't worry, okay?
128
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,374
We're gonna make this
the perfect night
129
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:08,013
that we can rub in other
people's noses for years.
130
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,908
"Be like the
other kids"?
131
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,383
"Popular is the most
important thing"?
132
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:16,823
You forgot to tell him
133
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:20,047
"It's only what's on
the outside that counts."
134
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,392
Hey, Barb, let me
tell you something--
135
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:25,791
the casting director
for High School Musical
136
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,633
did not ask to see
their insides.
137
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,029
Okay?
138
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,970
Are you making this
about yourself again?
139
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,865
No, I am not!
140
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:37,907
When I was in seventh grade, all
I wanted to do was fit in, okay?
141
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,935
I asked my mom for Ditto jeans
like everybody else had,
142
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,011
and she gave me painter's pants.
143
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,050
And then when I complained,
she gave me chef's pants.
144
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,947
Okay? And then one thing led to
another and I married Richard,
145
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,950
now here I am in this dump.
146
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,762
I mean, you know, I want to
do what I can for Ritchie.
147
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,115
Yeah, but you can't
afford all that stuff.
148
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,463
You live in a dump.
149
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,759
I know, but I have to
give Ritchie one night.
150
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,761
I mean, he's gonna have the rest
of his life to be disappointed.
151
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,974
You know, he's not getting
a car when he turns 16,
152
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,096
and he's not going
to Europe after high school,
153
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,701
and he's already got
a receding hairline and...
154
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,443
...and I think
he might be shrinking.
155
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,476
I just want to give him one
night that he'll never forget.
156
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,909
Well, why don't you just buy
him a pair of painter's pants?
157
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:24,524
Apparently you never
forgot those, either.
158
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:28,118
I've only heard that story,
like, 500 times.
159
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,991
You got real Levi's,
Matthew, okay?
160
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,491
I got elastic waisted
poly-denim.
161
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,904
And I had a rash that lasted
for, like, seven years.
162
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,165
(heavy sigh)
I've made a decision.
163
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:43,037
I'm moving out of
New Christine's house.
164
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,606
I can't stand living with her
165
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,805
and not being able
to sleep with her.
166
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,506
Never bothered you with me.
167
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,538
No, that was actually
a nice year.
168
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,983
Anyway, I found this
fantastic apartment
169
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,150
on the beach in Venice.
170
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,577
It's perfect.
171
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,653
Great location, affordable,
172
00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,021
20 year-old girls
walking around in bikinis.
173
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:04,160
Looking for a hot 50-year-old
guy with a metal detector.
174
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:07,497
Hey, that thing's
paid for itself already.
175
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,995
Well, the shipping.
176
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:11,974
Anyway, this place is great.
177
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,165
And it's got two bedrooms.
178
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,996
You interested, Matthew?
179
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,742
No, it sounds fantastic,
but Christine won't let me go.
180
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,538
You've been living
with women too long.
181
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,770
You don't need to ask
Christine for permission.
182
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,684
Does he?
183
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,646
No, you should
probably move out.
184
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,705
I mean, people might think it's
weird I live with my brother.
185
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,684
And you know, what other
people think of you
186
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,152
is the most important
thing in the world.
187
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,687
I think that's everything.
188
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,790
Oh! There are classes
five days a week at the gym,
189
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,862
the pool is open 24 hours,
190
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,931
and the jacuzzi is clothing-
optional after midnight.
191
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,543
And here we are
at your apartment.
192
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:48,935
Wow, I can't believe
this place.
193
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,136
It's got everything.
194
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,107
And I can smell the ocean.
195
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,735
Christine's place had nothing
and it smelled like a canal.
196
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,842
I told you.
197
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,554
Wait until you see
the apartment.
198
00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,546
It's got stainless steel
appliances, rent control,
199
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:01,848
and a cushioned toilet seat.
200
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,179
That stays with it, right?
201
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,693
It all stays.
202
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:05,845
Well, okay,
what's the catch?
203
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,563
No catch.
No catch.
204
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:08,555
You just have to evict
the previous tenant
205
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,086
and the place is yours.
206
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,890
The place is ours!
Wait a minute.
207
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,903
What are you talking about?
There's a tenant?
208
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,255
I can't get her out.
209
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,933
She hasn't paid rent
for six months
210
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,931
and it takes two years
to evict someone.
211
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:23,103
If you can make her leave,
the place is all yours.
212
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,565
Did you hear that?
213
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,944
We got it!
214
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,812
No, we didn't get it.
Someone's living there.
215
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,852
I don't want to kick someone
out of their apartment.
216
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,277
Well, neither do I,
but did you see this place?
217
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:36,652
It's perfect!
218
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,620
I know, it's a great place.
219
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,789
There's girls playing volleyball
on the beach in their bikinis,
220
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:44,589
instead of Christine running
around in her girdle bottoms,
221
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:47,832
looking for a clean bra.
222
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,058
I've lost everything.
223
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,902
Please let me do this.
224
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,168
Yeah, but I don't wanna kick
someone out of their home.
225
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,766
She hasn't paid rent
in six months.
226
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,238
She's a criminal.
227
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,966
She's lucky we aren't
calling the cops.
228
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,143
You really want to go
back to Christine's?
229
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,141
She never found
a bra, Richard.
230
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:06,913
She never found it.
231
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,118
Oh, good.
232
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,146
Are you from the
Meals On Wheels?
233
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,891
Ah, come on, she's old.
234
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,217
Let's get out of here!
We can't do this!
235
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,633
Oh, my God,
look at that view.
236
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:21,856
We can watch the sunset
over the ocean.
237
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,202
Are those dolphins?
238
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,167
Get out!
239
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,735
(dance music plays)
240
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,167
(camera shutter clicking)
241
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,244
Mom, stop taking pictures.
242
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,283
It's stupid.
243
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,877
Oh, there's that word again.
244
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,680
Popular.
245
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,182
Okay, go on in, you guys.
246
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,383
Have a good time.
247
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,024
(giggling)
248
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,159
Oh, my God, this is perfect.
249
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,815
Did you see the look
on his face when he saw
250
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,793
the limo was stocked
with name-brand soda?
251
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,702
No more Peppy Cola for him.
252
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,655
I can't see anything.
253
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:59,974
I think you burnt my retinas
with your paparazzi flash.
254
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,397
Oh, look here-- look how
handsome he is in his tux.
255
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,702
I can't!
256
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,074
I'm not kidding.
I'm scared.
257
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:07,782
All I see is
a big blue dot.
258
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,105
You know what, Barb, not
everything is about you.
259
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,880
You know that?
Some things are about me.
260
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,209
And I did it, okay?
261
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,983
I created the perfect
night for my son.
262
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,423
I'm like his
fairy-freakin'-godmother.
263
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:21,248
And be sure to have Cinderella
out of here before 10:00,
264
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,094
because my cousin
needs his limo back
265
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,030
to give Usher a ride
to the airport.
266
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,255
Okay, look, here,
take a picture of me.
267
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:30,060
I always want to remember
my first sober prom.
268
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,106
Well, the blue dot is gone.
269
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:40,065
Now it's only darkness.
270
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,342
*
271
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,177
MARLY:
Look at them.
272
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,021
They haven't danced once.
273
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,987
Total waste of a spray-on
tan and a couture dress.
274
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,886
And your daughter's tux.
275
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,786
You know, maybe we
should cut them loose
276
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:58,791
and start working
on the babies.
277
00:10:58,792 --> 00:10:59,962
Oh, not me.
278
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,000
My baby has big thighs.
279
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,725
And it's too late
to try and make
280
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,331
the old ones
funny or smart.
281
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,232
Oh, God, we're screwed.
282
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,011
Oh, hello, ladies.
283
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,976
Everyone having a good time?
284
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,405
Christine, you don't
have to sashay over here
285
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,049
all happy
with yourself, okay?
286
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,005
One night of popularity
doesn't mean anything.
287
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,353
Don't forget we owned
Pre-K through sixth, okay?
288
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:25,249
The same years your son had
that imaginary friend-- Tuttle.
289
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,762
Yeah, and I heard Tuttle
290
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,485
didn't ask your daughters
to the dance either.
291
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:34,030
So...
292
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,497
And those are the three errors
I found in Star Trek so far.
293
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,996
But I'm still looking.
294
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,768
You already told me that.
295
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,079
Um, I have to go
to the bathroom.
296
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,051
And I'm gonna get some Skittles.
297
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,319
You don't have to
tell me everything.
298
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,988
So, how's it going with Ritchie?
299
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,834
Horrible!
He's so lame.
300
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,329
He's like a baby.
301
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,270
Eww, really?
Yeah.
302
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,395
On the limo ride over here,
whenever we went around a corner
303
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,172
he went...
(imitates tires screeching)
304
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,409
I'm breaking up with him.
305
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,277
Well, when?
Tonight.
306
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,075
BRITNEY B: I don't want
to be stuck with him.
307
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,807
I thought it'd be
fun and dangerous
308
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:29,053
dating a poor kid, like
in the movies, but it's not.
309
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,919
I hate him.
310
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,318
Well, then I hate him, too.
311
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:33,819
Come on.
312
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,127
Hey, Barb, Barb...
313
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,925
did you know that there is
314
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:43,127
a tier of meanie moms
above Marly and Lindsay?
315
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,400
Like, the Uber Meanies.
316
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,867
And guess what they
just said to me.
317
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,936
They said "hi" and guess
what I said?
318
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,295
"Hi?"
Yeah, yeah.
319
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:50,402
But not like that.
320
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,073
More like this, like, uh...
321
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,112
(coy):
"Hi."
322
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,506
No, not like that.
323
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,977
It was more like,
uh, like this, like,
324
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,436
(indifferent):
"Hi."
325
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,254
No. No, wait, hold on,
let me just get...
326
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,046
I get it, I get it. You guys had
an amazing conversation.
327
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,849
Well, yeah.
328
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,521
And I hate to ruin it for you,
but I have some bad news.
329
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:08,359
What?
The fairy tale is over.
330
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,955
Britney is dumping Ritchie.
331
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,927
What?
332
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,925
Oh, my poor baby.
333
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,897
Oh, my poor little baby boy.
334
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,056
Why?
335
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,434
She thinks he's a baby.
336
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,131
He's not a baby.
337
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,604
She better not hurt my baby.
338
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,342
Let's just grab Ritchie
and get him out of here.
339
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,138
No, this is his night.
340
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,440
After the clock
strikes 10:00,
341
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,481
it'll be all downhill
from there.
342
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,307
He'll be back to watching
Star Trek with Tuttle.
343
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,983
Christine, let it go.
She doesn't like him.
344
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,993
Well, a lot of people don't
like me and I never let it go.
345
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,115
That's true.
346
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,089
You wore me down.
347
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,095
Look, I know my rights.
348
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,125
I've got two years
before you can evict me.
349
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,900
And you've got hair
like a girl.
350
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:57,271
I mean, you can't just
live here without paying rent.
351
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,110
Oh, I've been doing it
for six months.
352
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,566
Idiot.
353
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,643
Okay, well, obviously
we're not going to
354
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,082
force you from your home.
355
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,277
You got that right, idiot.
356
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,924
People like my hair.
357
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,085
What are you doing?
358
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,929
What's it look like?
359
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,985
I'm packing up her stuff, idiot.
360
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,498
Do you know what, I don't
feel right about this.
361
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,426
How are we going to
enjoy this apartment
362
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,002
when we know we put a poor
old woman out on the streets?
363
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,470
I mean, where's she going to go?
364
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,138
I don't care.
365
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,667
Matthew, there's
a clothing-optional jacuzzi.
366
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,241
And I opt for none.
367
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,941
You know what?
368
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,953
This is exactly what is
wrong with this country.
369
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,605
We treat our old people
like they don't matter.
370
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,382
In every other culture,
the elderly are revered.
371
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,451
But here we just throw
them out like an old shoe.
372
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,680
Well, I'm not going
to be a part of this.
373
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:45,954
Do you hear me?
374
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,223
I will not!
375
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,691
Oh, shoot!
376
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,959
This isn't my apartment.
377
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,229
I live upstairs
with my twin sister.
378
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,526
I do this all the time.
379
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,596
(giggling)
380
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,144
A witch!
I know.
381
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,041
Okay, you know what?
382
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,543
I'm just gonna
talk to Britney
383
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,414
and I'm gonna get her
to stay with Ritchie.
384
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,713
Oh, God, don't do
that to Ritchie.
385
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,554
That's embarrassing!
386
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,989
I remember when my mother
went to the school one time
387
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,986
and tried to get me
invited to this party...
388
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:24,288
Seriously, Barb, not
everything is about you.
389
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:28,103
Really, thanks again
for inviting me.
390
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,695
I'm just gonna talk to her.
391
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,456
I know how to talk to kids.
392
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:35,374
I'm just gonna go over there
and have a "convershizzle."
393
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,368
I'll go have my cousin
pull the car around.
394
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,271
I can do this, okay?
395
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:43,483
I mean, yeah, right, so she's,
she's popular, she's confident,
396
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,146
but on the inside, she's
just a scared little girl.
397
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,746
And Barb, you know,
aren't we all just
398
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,448
scared little girls
on the inside?
399
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,290
You're crazy on the inside.
400
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,156
I can handle this.
401
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:03,261
Um, Britney, hey, can I talk
to you alone just for a second?
402
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:06,233
I'll be right back, you guys.
403
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,673
My photographer
wants to talk to me.
404
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,038
Okay, come on, come on.
405
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:12,537
Um, listen--
406
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:15,779
now that you don't have to be
cool in front of your friends,
407
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,205
I wanted to ask you something.
408
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:21,451
Um, I heard a rumor that you
wanted to break up with Ritchie.
409
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,778
It's not a rumor, it's a fact.
410
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,153
But why?
411
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,792
I mean, you just got here.
412
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,516
Uh, because he's a baby.
413
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,521
What? No, he's not a baby.
414
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,394
He's very mature for his age.
415
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:37,263
Mom!
(imitates tires screeching)
416
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,498
Okay, I'll give you "dork."
417
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,300
All right? But you could do
worse than a dork like Ritchie.
418
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:48,114
I mean, he's sweet and
he's smart and he's tidy.
419
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,478
And he could paint
your toenails
420
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,076
without getting anything,
like, on your skin.
421
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:55,749
And the two of you would make
beautiful blonde grandkids.
422
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,278
You're gross!
423
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:58,724
Okay, listen, little girl.
424
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,818
You don't even deserve
one night with my tidy son.
425
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,591
Okay? He's too good for you.
426
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,090
So why don't you
just walk away?
427
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,092
Okay.
428
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,804
No, no, don't walk away,
Britney B!
429
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:11,225
No, no, isn't there a way
we can work this out?
430
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,366
(slow music playing)
431
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,836
I can't believe you did it.
432
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:24,111
You really are
a fairy godmother.
433
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,651
What did you do?
434
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,845
Whack her over the head
with your magic wine bottle?
435
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,378
No, of course not.
436
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,123
I just talked
to her, you know?
437
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,589
She reminds me a lot
of myself at that age.
438
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,616
Except for the clear skin
439
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:39,362
and smooth hair and
straight teeth and...
440
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,129
straight spine and...
441
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,399
the inner confidence
that keeps her
442
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:49,538
from making out with
her typing teacher.
443
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:54,236
You have to stop telling me
about your childhood.
444
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:58,151
When I go to bed at night,
I can't shake it.
445
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,480
All right, Christine.
446
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,882
Lindsay and I have
been talking,
447
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,593
and we've decided that
you can be friends with us.
448
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:09,155
Oh, and I have decided
you can kiss my brunnette ass.
449
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,889
Oh, sorry, kids, sorry.
450
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:13,691
Don't say that.
451
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,363
Okay, come on, Lindsay.
452
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:16,402
Let's get the girls
and go home.
Yeah.
453
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,326
My daughter is not a whore!
454
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,231
Oh, we're staying.
What?
One minute.
455
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,174
I'm Britney B's mom, Bethany B.
456
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,711
And did you really
pay my daughter
457
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,905
$100 to stay
with your son?
458
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,207
I don't know where
you got that.
459
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,180
Is that your signature
on this check?
460
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,709
Oh, yeah, I see
where you got that.
461
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,184
Oh, my God.
462
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:38,253
You paid someone
to date your son?
463
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,751
The world's making sense again.
464
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:43,193
Hey, look,
Kelsey's dancing!
465
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,520
Oh, so is my daughter!
466
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:45,794
Oh, and he's cute!
467
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,762
That's Kelsey.
468
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,261
And your daughter's leading.
469
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,369
I'm taking my daughter home.
470
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,837
You should be ashamed
of yourself.
471
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,365
No, I am, okay?
472
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,840
And would you just
do me a favor?
473
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:02,308
Don't cash that check
for a couple of days!
474
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,509
Yeah, all right,
I'll be your friend.
475
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,451
(laughing)
476
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,590
Where's the limo?
477
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,315
It turned into a pumpkin.
478
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:16,862
Sorry, honey.
479
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,756
It's okay.
480
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:22,528
I want to go home, get in my
pajamas and watch Matlock.
481
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,359
What?
I thought you were having fun.
482
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:25,504
Not really.
483
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,698
Popular people are boring.
484
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,969
Except for you guys.
485
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,297
All right, come on,
let's go home.
486
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,573
Ritchie and I are going
to sit in the back,
listen to show tunes.
487
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:34,271
Barb, you can be our chaffeur.
488
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:38,912
This is the worst night
of my life.
489
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,484
Come on, there must be
some place you can go.
490
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,493
Okay, genius. Where?
491
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:49,855
I'm not going to a nursing home
because old people make me sick.
492
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,530
So, where else am I going to go?
493
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,726
Heaven?
494
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,700
Good luck.
495
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:04,270
Look, I'm a lonely old woman.
496
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:08,481
You can't just
kick me out of my home.
497
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,840
She's got no one.
498
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,214
Where the hell do
lonely old women live?
499
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:26,489
Uh... who are you?
500
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:28,533
Agnes.
501
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,867
Agnes...
502
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:35,965
Uh, have you seen a bra?
503
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:39,713
Not in years.
504
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,902
(whistling)
34355
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