Original subtitles

I swear to God your father is walking around in heaven,

and I think I just saw balls. [audience laughs]

Im Matt Fraser and I am a psychic medium.

Hes smoking the silly smoke on the other side.

Oh.

You cant put a price on this face, you know that, right?

I have a two year waiting list for private readings,

and by the time I was 25, I made myself a millionaire.

I look orgasmic.

My mom would love to get a picture with you.

People absolutely love me.

I love you.

I love when I get recognized.

Um.

Oh, Im sorry and this is my girlfriend.

Sorry, was I supposed to introduce you?

[man] Gorgeous.

I am Alexa Papigiotis,

former Miss Rhode Island Teen USA.

My ultimate dream is to go to Miss USA.

Ooh, ooh. We are, like, the perfect couple.

Well, thats not true because I still cant [bleep] in front of her.

This is me and you.

[kisses]

Cant come apart.

I hear a lot of talking, but I see no boxes.

I think you need to shut up.

Everyone always said, "Dont hire family."

Stupid me, I hire my family.

You can never fire your mother.

This is why you cant work with family.

You are the sister of a world‐renowned psychic medium.

You cant be afraid of ghosts.

God made me this way.

I know, Ive been asking why ever since.

No one loves Matt Fraser more than Matt Fraser.

I am a broken man. Ah, yeah.

I dont know what a psychic power is, I dont get it.

Whats a psychic power?

[Matt] Im all cannoli and meatballs.

Youre still half Fraser.

Im not half Scottish. I am 49 percent.

Ooh, ooh.

Damn! You cant spell smother without mother.

I think you really need to go and lay down, let me see, are you all right?

Dont you dare. Dont you even dare.

Moms like your second girlfriend.

This feels too weird.

Shhh.

Matts family is nuts.

I feel like I wanna kill somebody.

Your family is just as crazy as my family.

I breastfed both of you, you [bleep] bitches.

I cant breathe.

You came right from these loins.

Shes got nice loins, by the way.

[Sharon] Maybe youre doing it wrong.

Thats why youre not pregnant.

Come on, its time to mangiare.

[Matt] In Rhode Island you cant swing a dead cat

without hitting an Italian.

No meat‐a‐balls for you.

We have our own way of communicating.

Hand movements, sounds...

[making sound]

...and words you never heard before.

Malocchio.

Schifoso factor.

Gabadost.

Were loud, were Italian and we say it like it is.

Up yours, buddy.

Never go against the family.

[cat meows]

This is so nice. So nice.

This is beautiful.

Its so nice to get some sun.

Right in here.

It says private.

Yeah, I know. I know a guy.

Your brother doesnt only just have connections with the dead.

Um, a member at literally every yacht club.

Matt, you dont even own a yacht. I love this.

Yeah, but you know what I love? Is being able to spend it with you.

Thats how I feel. We get to do all of this together.

You guys get one in. Im going to look this way for two seconds.

You guys get one in.

Oh, oh. We have two seconds. Mm.

Enough! Thats it. Im right here.

I love you guys, but, like, everywhere we go

its the matching outfits. This is ridiculous.

If you think this is ridiculous,

we even have matching underwear.

Yes, we do.

[Matt] We love to match one another.

This is Alexas way of showing everybody else that Im hers.

This is my man, dont look.

Right.

Im trying out this new thing...

Where is your shirt?

I want my man titties out.

Everything in Matts life becomes extra. Like super extra.

Woo‐hoo‐hoo. Put it back on.

Babe.

Its a good thing that his profession

is talking to dead people

because he has no clue about the living.

Hold on.

Are you serious?

Hold on, wait.

I knew Matt was going to be my boyfriend just by looking at him.

Really, guys? Selfies?

I love his voice.

Like that voice is so distinct, its so different,

but I could listen to it all day.

Its like music to my ears.

[laughing]

[Matt] Wait one second. Okay.

You know what? Now youre going to take the picture.

Wait a minute. My girdle is riding up, hold on. Im sorry.

[Alexa] Like, do it, like in private. Oh, these are the good ones.

Are you [bleep] kidding me right now? No, this is it.

Right on the inside. Matt, just button it up.

No, shes taking pictures of me with fixing my...

All right, button it up so we can take more pictures.

The girdle is for the tripe.

What does that even mean?

Youre talking about your fat?

Thats what they call the cow stomach, the tripe.

So youre calling yourself a cow?

No. Im just saying that‐‐ you know, it could be... [slurps]

Were building a brand. Its called Malexa...

Malexa? When people‐‐ Its both our names.

Stands for Matthew and Alexa.

Mm‐hm. Worked for Brangelina, works for us.

They broke up.

I‐‐ You‐‐ Why do you gotta ruin it like that? Why do you gotta ruin it?

[boat horn sounding]

Guys, whats going on down there?

Why do you have the smallest box?

Oh, honey. Im the mother.

So you know, Im the boss. I ta‐‐

I give it to you, you take it up.

No, Im the boss.

You got the stugatz, and Im the boss.

Working with family is tough.

I mean, I love it,

but I absolutely hate it at the same time.

Like my boots?

Id like it better if they were on you.

Matt, they hurt my feet, come on.

[Matt] I mean, my mother never has her act together.

Shes got pink slippers on,

stockings all the way up to her wazu.

This one drags her feet when shes walking.

All I hear is the dragging.

Leave her alone.

Draggin feet, draggin ass.

My dad also works with me,

but the one thing that I find odd

is that he doesnt even believe in speaking to the dead.

He doesnt even understand or believe in what I do.

This is a sold out event today. Theres going to be thr‐‐

[Angela] 350 people.

[car honking]

Oh my God, that guys‐‐ Look ther‐‐ Wave.

Oh, wave‐‐ wave.

[all] Hi!

[Angela] See ya there. Oh, my God.

[Angela] That was your fan beeping the horn.

How do they know that its us?

How do they know its me? Is he for real?

[crowd cheering]

Hello, everybody and welcome!

Before we begin I just want to tell a little bit about myself

because the gift of psychic ability

has run in my family from generation to generation.

It started with my grandmother,

who had this gift.

Who passed it on to my mom

and in turn passed it on to me.

When I first started seeing and hearing dead people,

I had no idea what was going on.

I remember being in my room yelling and screaming

for my mom to come in and to help me

because I was seeing ghosts and hearing voices.

Can you all stand up?

Instead of my mom coming in the room like,

"Thats okay, Matt.

You can sleep with my and your dad tonight,"

my mother gave no [bleep] whatsoever.

My mothers words to me was, "Never be afraid of the dead."

Did you lose your husband, as well?

My first and second husband, yeah.

How many husbands did you have?

[audience laughing] Im on my third.

God bless.

Growing up being psychic was not easy for me.

I tried my hardest to push this ability away,

but I went to go see a medium about a girl I used to liked,

about all the normal teenage questions.

And instead I left hearing that I was a medium.

Hold on, Im listening.

And I actually had to leave my full time job, as an EMT,

because I realized I could use this ability

to help people, just in a different way.

Your brother just showed me all these strange women lining up at a casket.

And theyre like, "Who are you?"

And theyre like, "Oh, I used to date him."

And then the woman next to her is like, "I used to date him."

Thats true.

Just tidy this up a little bit.

I want to get out of these boots.

I want to put my slippers back on.

My feet are killing me.

Thats smart.

Matthew loves it when you put the slippers on.

I want to thank you all for being here today.

It was an honor and a privilege channeling your loved ones.

Thank you.

[audience applause]

Hey, there he is.

[Matt] Whats going on over here? [Angela] What?

Why do you got your slippers on?

You said you werent going to wear your slippers.

Matthew, come on, my feet hurt.

Jeez, Im your mother.

All right, who am I making this out to?

Beverly.

At my live events I rely on my mom,

my sister, and Alexa

to run the merchandise table.

They represent me.

Come on, Ma.

Theyre gonna be like getting their books this year

and theyre going to have chips inside of them.

[Matt] This company is being brought to the next level.

This is going to be a psychic empire.

[Angela] Matthew, if youre hungry I saved you half a sandwich.

What do you mean you saved me half a sandwich?

I got it right there. Right in back of you.

This is what you saved me?

Yeah, I saved you half.

[Matt] Do you see this?

[Angela] They know I love you.

[Matt] This isnt the concession stand.

This is where the merchandise is sold.

This is where the autographs are signed.

This is where books are signed.

Were not, you know, being a slabon.

To Dale? D‐A‐L‐E? Yes.

[woman] Can we get a picture with you after, too?

Yeah, absolutely.

Matt, dont step on the sandwich.

I cant even come over and take pictures with people

if Im more worried about a sandwich over here.

They come into these events,

not acting the way that staff should act.

You want me to feed it to you, too?

Im running a business.

They have to look like business people.

This is good.

These fries are really good, too.

The fries are really good.

We need to get more professional.

Thank you so much. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. It was nice seeing you.

If they look the part,

then Im hoping they will start acting the part.

I dont want to talk about it.

My perfect proposal would be Disney World... castle.

Firework show goes on.

Ooh‐ooh. Its Mickey Mouse coming next to me

while Im trying to propose.

Thats the worst idea Ive ever heard.

Im making you coffee now.

It smells good. I can smell it from here.

Babe, its ready.

Aw, babe.

There you go.

Thank you.

Hes in my pouch, but I want him even closer.

Thats what youre going to look like one day when youre with child.

Cant get pregnant without being married first.

Only the fools rush in.

Dont you think its time?

Babe, I just gave you that promise ring not too long ago.

Time to make good on that promise.

[Matt] Alexa talks about marriage almost every single day.

Not almost. Every‐single‐day.

[exhales]

I will tell you exactly what I want, okay?

Tell me, Im all ears.

Well g‐‐ Are you listening? Take notes.

My perfect proposal would be Disney World... castle.

Firework show goes on. "Happily Ever After" starts playing‐‐

[baby cry] You know what that is?

Its a baby crying next to me as Im trying to propose.

No.

I have a whole wedding board on Pinterest.

I have our invitations picked out,

bridesmaid dresses picked out.

I have the theme, I have the church,

I have the venue, I have the music,

I have everything.

You see this? Ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh... No...

Its Mickey Mouse coming next to me while Im trying to propose.

Thats the worst idea Ive ever heard in all my life.

Theres no need to rush into an engagement, you know.

I want to take my time.

When I feel the time is right, itll happen.

Fine. Theres another way...

No, baby. You wan‐‐ No, no. Wait. I have another dream proposal.

Thats not glam‐‐ I would never.

I have another dream proposal.

If I were to propose for you...

Shh. You shh.

Ooh‐ooh... Uh‐uh‐uh...

Oh, my God, youre making him so nervous. Youre making them so nervous.

You upset the whole house.

[Angela] Whats for lunch?

You want chicken wings? Meatballs? [Alexa] Yes.

And eggplant. Oh, my God, stop.

What the [bleep] is going on over here?

Why do we got donuts, coffee...

[Angela] Well, we were waiting for you,

so we had a little snack.

Aye, skeeve, you have all your toast.

Theres donuts, theres wrappers, theres gum.

I didnt think you were gonna put your hands all over it.

I skeeve this.

This‐‐ This is my conference room.

You have youre stuff‐‐ You know Im OCD.

I come in here to Hong Kong buffet.

We gotta get things under control

because the company where its at right now

is not where it was nine years ago.

We are exploding.

And yet you bring your high heels with you to satisfy me,

and then the minute I go in to do my show,

you got the slippers on and youre eating burgers,

having mustard all over the place.

People dont want to see that.

Like look at the way youre dressed right now.

Whats wrong with the way Im dressed right now?

Look at me.

Dont worry about me. Worry about you, how you look.

I look fantastic, Im on point,

Im fabulous every day.

I dont think I can dress the same way Matt does.

Its, like, too much.

Who wears the nipple zipper?

[others laughing]

This is too little. I think this is too little.

Yeah, no.

Long story short,

this is how you dress.

Im proud of what I do,

Im proud of my job,

the shoes are on point.

This is gold right here.

Me and my mother have a great relationship.

We share our psychic abilities,

we both love to dance,

and we dance well together,

but Matthew has a different style of dressing.

When I see his shoes sometimes, I‐‐ I have to go like this

because the shoes are so flashy,

that sometimes I gotta put sunglasses on.

There are nothing wrong with these shoes, Mom.

Youre a psychic medium. Youre not Michael Jackson.

[exhales]

No more dresses from CVS.

Ah, I like the dresses from CVS. Oh, you gotta tell my mom that, too.

Those are n‐‐ CVS is not a clothing store.

[laughing]

We are under the microscope,

and we have to look like a business.

I want you looking just as good as me

every single day.

I have my personal stylist,

who I hired to dress all of you.

[exhaling]

Do the pageant and then lets get this [bleep] over with.

[bleep], this is my dream.

But my dream is to have a grandchild.

[Matt] This is going to be the whole team uniform. Oh, my God.

The uniforms are the most ridiculous things youve ever seen.

Theres a man standing next to you that passed in tragedy.

Its actually a young male. Was that your boyfriend?

No, best friend.

Hes telling me when I speaking to him,

that he always had a thing for you in the physical world.

"I tried to make the moves on her,"

he goes, "but she used to slap me. She wouldnt let me near her."

Youre telling me hes not your boyfriend,

but I see the two of you in the same bed

with one another when Im connecting.

Yes.

Move, Luca.

Perfect.

[woman] Hello. Hey, Nicole.

Hi.

Thank you for taking my call.

Oh, yeah. Im always happy to take your call.

I gave my family chance after chance

to be more professional, look the part.

They dont know what that is, so I gotta take over.

If a business blazer had a psychic baby,

thats what were going for.

My stylist Nicole is going to make us new uniforms

that are going to make us look Fraser fabulous.

Flashy, classy...

I think gold is super classic.

Its blingy and definitely goes with your style.

Im wondering what you think of incorporating angel wings into the blazer.

Yeah, thats exactly what I want.

They have to be big, like, the more crystals the better.

Like I hate when you go in, and you see these shirts,

and theres only one crystal here, one crystal there.

Like we want this to be a statement. [Nicole] Bling.

We want people to‐‐ yeah, its like a billboard.

It definitely screams out Matt Fraser.

Yeah.

[woman] I love it here.

The waiter said there are Italian things on the menu,

Yeah. ...but Im trying to tell Mom

to get something a little different.

She wants me to get The Bag. Were here.

[Ava] The sandwich is called The Bag.

The scrotum bag for lunch.

Thats not what its called.

Oh, the scrotum bag.

Shh. [Ava] Were at brunch.

Oh, thats true.

For some reason my mom has an obsession with genitalia.

Things come out of the vagine.

Spermatozoa.

Balls.

Its nothing but penis, tits talk.

Its disgusting.

Everything looks so good.

What do you think youre gonna have?

Oh, pasta. Ah‐huh.

When are you going to start preparing for the pageant?

Soon. Dont rush.

Well, its coming now. If its soon, then you

shouldnt be ordering a big bowl of pasta.

I can order whatever I want.

Its not here yet.

I got started in high school

with pageantry.

Winning Miss Rhode Island Teen USA

was my biggest dream at that point in my life.

I just want that feeling again,

and thats why I want to go for Miss Rhode Island USA.

So we do the pageant, and then what comes next?

Baby, or...

Lets get going on this. The thing is with the pageant

is that I only have a small window to do it, basically.

So this year Im going all out.

My other dream is to, also,

get married to Matt.

You definitely cant be married

and be Miss Rhode Island because its Miss.

Thats, unfortunately, a really, really big conflict.

So I want to win before I have to say goodbye to my pageant career forever.

This is it. After that... Yeah, this is the last hoorah, girl.

...youre gonna buckle down, youre gonna get yourself knocked up.

This is a very long time away.

[gasps] I need a ring,

[gasps] I need a wedding first.

Hopefully I win, accomplish my goal,

and then worry about having children

and stuff like that.

All right. So lets get this [bleep] over with.

[bleep], this is my dream.

It is your dream, but my dream is to have a grandchild.

Youre gonna get your dream.

Just not now. Im still young.

My mom pressuring me about having a baby,

its about her getting older

and how she might not have a grandchild.

Ladies, here we are.

Yes, that is mine. Thank you.

You got plenty of time on the clock.

So lets get going on this.

Ive been following you for so long,

and I just wanted to come say hi. Oh, thank you.

I havent been to an event yet, and Ive been dying to go.

Dont die to go, hon.

Im excited. I cant wait for you to see Mom.

Im psyched.

I want the uniform reveal to be a big spectacle.

There you go. Thank you.

Youre welcome, go ahead.

Ladies, ladies.

Angela was the biggest train wreck,

so she needs to be the one to be the model tonight.

Oh, who set this table here?

Well, I just like everything straight.

Hi. Im sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to come say hello.

Ive been following you for so long,

and I just wanted to come say hi. Oh, thank you.

I havent been to an event yet, but Ive been dying to go.

Dont die to go, hon.

Well either catch you here in the physical world,

or well catch you when youre on the other side.

Yes, awesome. Thank you so much. So nice to meet you. Oh, youre very welcome,

Thank you. Oh, shes cute.

Oh, shes nice.

[Angela] Thank God we finally got here, huh?

[Alexa] I know, it smells so good in here.

[Angela] Ah, it smells so nice.

Oh, look. Moms here, Moms here.

Oh, my God.

[squeals] [Rod] Oh, my God.

Hi.

You look so good, Mom.

[Rod] Oh, look at the jacket.

You look like you fell down from heaven.

[Angela] Im feeling very happy

because I look [bleep] expensive,

but Im still Angie from the block.

Look at Rod, he cant take his eyes off her.

I know, my God, I know what youre doing tonight.

Rod, what do you think, Rod? Come on.

Mom, inappropriate.

Wearing uniforms is going to improve everything.

The uniforms that he picked out

are the most ridiculous things youve ever seen.

I wanted a lot of gold.

Team Fraser with the Matt Fraser font.

[Maria] Its not professional.

Its [bleep] ugly.

Turn around.

This is whats on our t‐shirts.

I actually kinda like the crystal wings

on the back, um, if it wasnt on a [bleep] jacket.

Its like the mullet of jackets.

Its like business in the front and then party in the back.

I hate it.

[Matt] These are our new uniforms.

No more slippers.

[Sharon] I am all for it. [Matt] Fraser fabulous.

With these uniforms were creating a brand.

Fraser fabulous.

Fraser fabulous.

Not involved.

[all] Fraser fabulous.

I know how powerful my gift is.

The sky is the limit,

and I talk to dead people,

so we can go even further than that.

Fraser fabulous.

Come on, Maria. Fraser fabulous.

What are you opening up over there?

No, I cant.

Whats wrong with my [bleep] family?

People say to me all the time, "You are such a good looking man."

Youre so humble, Matt.

I am [bleep] good looking, Im sorry.

Okay.

Your mothers got the girdle on when Im connecting.

Shes like me. I just got myself a pair of mens Spanx.

Oh‐ho.

I dont care if they call me a scam artist,

but if they [bleep] call me fat, Im gonna [bleep] cry.

Im doing the pageant, again, this year.

[man] Maybe we can get Matt and you together.

Theres another pageant queen in the house

that Im trying to compete with.

I am royalty.

Were the Frasers, were checking in.

My family working with me is the biggest pain in the ass.

Lick‐a‐my‐balls.

Let me in, its your mother.

Is that our door?

Moms moving back to Rhode Island.

This is, like, a little bit too close.

That was a little too far away.

Dad doesnt get fully what I do.

No one does.

My father is a skeptic.

I dont want to hear that kind of crap.

We are polar opposites.

I have to go up the side of a [bleep] mountain,

like Brokeback Mountain.

You never saw Brokeback Mountain, did you?

I want to propose to Alexa.

Wow, can you believe this [bleep]?

[laughs] Not like that. I think I ripped my scrotum.

I cant believe Matthew trusts all these idiots to, like, not blow this.

Dont go into bitch mode. I dont know.

I live in bitch mode.

[Matt] Theres a major problem.

What?

Im praying that my parents dont [bleep] this up.

What is going on?