Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,637
I lost 80% of my mind.
2
00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,054
It's very freeing.
3
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:21,563
You should see the look
on your faces right now, by the way.
4
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:29,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
5
00:00:58,684 --> 00:00:59,768
Oh!
6
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,150
Good evening, San Francisco.
Are you guys excited, yeah?
7
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,197
All right. Well, my name is Vir Das.
8
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:15,158
We're gonna have such a good time
tonight. I'm so excited.
9
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,785
It's gonna be delightful.
10
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,620
Oh, this is how I talk now.
11
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,875
I just thought it was time
to really embrace my roots, you know,
12
00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:27,588
and to make my comedy
more authentically Indian.
13
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,884
And really, what could be more Indian
than a fake American accent?
14
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,684
I don't think you understand.
15
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:43,520
I have an opportunity
to make history tonight, guys.
16
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:47,733
I can. I can be the first ever Indian
who comes to California...
17
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,026
and then leaves.
18
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,031
That's never happened before.
19
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,036
Because you guys are sticking around.
20
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,538
Until they kick you out.
21
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,916
Which, going by the news,
is about three weeks from now.
22
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,881
Now, I used to work in America
in the year 2002.
23
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,842
It didn't go very well,
so I left for browner pastures.
24
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:20,307
And then, honestly, I didn't think about
you guys for 15 years.
25
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:24,061
Because, honestly, there is nothing
that you can get in America
26
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,771
that I can't get in India.
27
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,985
And then my government banned beef
and I was like,
28
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,821
"You know, an international career
might not be such a bad thing!"
29
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,909
Make no mistake.
I'm just here for the beef.
30
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:44,706
It's been a good couple of years for me.
I went on my first world tour.
31
00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:45,874
I saw the entire world.
32
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,292
I went... Yeah.
33
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,463
Would you like to know what 33 countries
in the world have in common?
34
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,506
- Would you like to know, yeah?
- Yeah!
35
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:57,594
Two things. Number one, I have now
masturbated in all 33 of those countries.
36
00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,929
Thank you.
37
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,393
I'm like the Genghis Khan
of the Holiday Inn chain.
38
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,396
My DNA is everywhere.
39
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,566
If your hotel has a memory foam mattress,
I'm the memory.
40
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,785
And two, no matter where I went
in the entire world,
41
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286
people said the same thing.
42
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,288
They said, "Oh, my God, you're Indian?
43
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,250
I love Indian people.
They're, like, so smart.
44
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,378
Indian people, you're, like, so smart."
45
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:35,257
Which leads me to believe
the rest of the world not that smart.
46
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,802
Now, there's no answer to that question.
47
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,846
Whenever somebody says,
"Indian people, so smart,"
48
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,181
all we can do is just, "Namaste,"
and, "Yes."
49
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:46,434
"Okay."
50
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,106
Because we all know the reality, right?
51
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,776
In reality, 20% of India is smart.
52
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,154
Eighty percent of India is so stupid,
53
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,197
we don't even give them a passport.
54
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,703
Eighty percent of India is just
Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks,
55
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,538
all right? That's basically India.
56
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,670
No, in reality, 20% of India is smart,
57
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,381
but it's a population game,
so we get away with it.
58
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,886
Because 20% of India
is 98% of most countries.
59
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,475
So, statistically,
Indians are not smarter.
60
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,643
There are just more smart Indians.
61
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,647
And if you're taking time
with that joke...
62
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,654
...you're in the 80%.
63
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,700
And for the world to progress,
you need to go.
64
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,329
That's what I believe.
If this world is going to progress,
65
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:51,166
Eighty percent of us, this, everything,
everyone needs to go.
66
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:55,378
Same number, 80/20, applies to you,
American people and English.
67
00:04:55,921 --> 00:05:00,300
Think about your country. Eighty percent
of America speaks English good.
68
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,559
But I'm pretty sure
20% of America speaks English well.
69
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,485
And if you don't understand
the difference...
70
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,280
then you will make America great again.
71
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,784
I promise you. You're the one.
It'll happen because of you, you, you.
72
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,245
Build that wall.
73
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,959
But in today's world,
we don't need to speak English
74
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,919
because we have social media.
75
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:39,673
Eighty percent of social media
cannot spell "social" or "media."
76
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,843
And if you can figure out
how to communicate with them,
77
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,053
you can rule any country in the world.
78
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:49,432
That's the new strategy. A leader, a brand
gives us three, four words of evil.
79
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,561
We are instantly hypnotized,
mesmerized, on board.
80
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:54,437
That's all it takes. Three, four words.
81
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,899
"Make America great." "Build that wall."
"Jail that bitch." "Drain that swamp."
82
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,609
"I'm lovin' it." "You're worth it."
83
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,778
"Liyo to Jio." "Abki baar Modi sarkar."
84
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,655
We are on board instantly.
85
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:04,573
But...
86
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,160
Every day on Twitter
I am called anti-national,
87
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,830
unpatriotic, a traitor,
88
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:12,913
un-Indian,
89
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,458
and to all of that shit, I say, "Spot on!"
90
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:21,673
Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality
is Indian, but I'm 20% African.
91
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:26,595
Yeah. And I know what you're thinking,
"Vir, which 20%?"
92
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,104
And I will tell you.
93
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,358
It's my childhood, guys. My childhood.
I grew up in Africa.
94
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,279
In Lagos, Nigeria,
but see, when I say the word "Africa,"
95
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,449
firstly, some musical shit happens
in your head, right?
96
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,951
The minute I say the word "Africa..."
97
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:51,286
...but then after that...
98
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:57,125
you guys think of, like, tribes or nature
or wildlife or malaria.
99
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:02,047
When my parents went to Africa
in the early '80s,
100
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,550
when Indians were going to Africa
for gold and diamonds
101
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,469
and oil and malaria...
102
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,389
Malaria has pretty much never left Africa.
103
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,059
If Africa is McDonald's,
malaria is French fries.
104
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,061
They just give you that shit
with everything.
105
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,981
I realize I'm being a bit unfair,
comparing McDonald's to malaria.
106
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,651
You know, malaria is a curable illness.
107
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,068
But...
108
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,322
But Indians were very rich in Africa.
109
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:31,034
We had a house with an electric fence
around it. All Indians did.
110
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:37,165
At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard
with an AK-47 machine gun. Security.
111
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:40,377
Do you know how many people
you would have to murder in India
112
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,962
to get that level of security?
113
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,174
Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry,
sorry, sorry.
114
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:47,509
One second, I'll do it again.
115
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,179
Do you know how senior a politician
you would have to be in India...
116
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:59,312
And then we lost everything in one week.
117
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,482
A dictator got shot, government changed,
expats fled,
118
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,276
and all of a sudden,
we were poor for the first time,
119
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,195
but the worst kind of poor, guys.
120
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,697
New poor. Yuck.
121
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,118
'Cause, you know, normal poor,
you don't think twice about that shit.
122
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,078
Do you? No, you accept it.
123
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,789
I'm poor, you're poor.
We can't afford downtown.
124
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,083
We live in San Jose.
You accept that shit, but...
125
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:30,844
But when you're new poor, you have
a fresh reminder of what you're missing.
126
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:35,473
Let me give you context. We went from
a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria,
127
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:38,852
to a seven-bedroom house
in Delhi, in Noida.
128
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,481
But we only had enough furniture
for one bedroom.
129
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:47,736
Do you know what it's like to live
in a house with six empty bedrooms?
130
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,364
If you meet somebody in there,
you just assume they're a ghost.
131
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,659
I was 16 years old.
132
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,496
Do you know how important it is for a boy
to have his own room at 16?
133
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:04,377
We are producing our body weight in sperm
on a daily basis when we are 16.
134
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,966
Indian men, have you ever jacked off
in an empty room with no furniture?
135
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,303
We need something to rest on, right?\
Just...
136
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:16,805
Structure.
137
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,953
You know, in case you think of
that one extra girl and the legs go.
138
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,312
You know what I'm talking about.
139
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,814
I had to train myself to jack off
140
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,192
in the center of the room
like a yoga guru.
141
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,822
Like a feng shui master.
142
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,034
Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm.
143
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,245
Really feel out the space.
144
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,831
When I was done,
I could never find the sperm.
145
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,541
The floors were Italian marble.
146
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,588
Till date, if I have sex,
I face the girl north.
147
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,801
My father is my hero.
148
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:56,387
My father went
from driving a Mercedes S-Class,
149
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,389
beautiful German engineering,
150
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,892
to driving a Maruti 800.
151
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,813
Americans, it's just a roller skate
with dreams.
152
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:10,151
But he's my hero because he never lost
his optimism in his adversity.
153
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,404
On the day he walked us in
to buy that shitty car,
154
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,490
he got so excited about that car.
155
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,827
He knew it would make his family excited
about that car.
156
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,580
Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited
about that shitty car for the first time.
157
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,417
He walked in performing.
"Is this your top-of-the-line model?"
158
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,003
"Yes!"
159
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,173
"Well, what makes
this one top-of-the-line?"
160
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,092
"Sir, this one has four wheels.
161
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,346
Also, sir, the car has a sun roof."
162
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:42,559
"Really? I don't see a sun roof."
"Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin.
163
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,771
So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like
you are sitting in the center of the sun.
164
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,192
This car has two indicators, sir,
left and right.
165
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,443
Here's the right one.
166
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,074
And the car has six gear changes."
167
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,659
"Really? I only see four."
168
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,369
"Exactly. There's first,
169
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:02,912
second...
170
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,831
third...
171
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,416
...third...
172
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,917
...third...
173
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:09,710
and fourth.
174
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,304
"Would you like me to turn
the air conditioner on, sir?"
175
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,722
"Absolutely."
176
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,856
My mom had to get a job.
She had never worked before,
177
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,193
so she did the one thing that women
who spoke good English in India did.
178
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,195
She read the news for Doordarshan.
179
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:39,199
Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN,
but with credibility.
180
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,707
With no training or formal experience,
181
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:51,669
my mother was Doordarshan's top newsreader
in one week.
182
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,713
That's all it took. Yeah.
183
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,966
That's how bad Doordarshan's English was
at the time.
184
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,221
I don't know what happened
at her first job interview.
185
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:04,557
They're like, "Mrs. Das,
can you pronounce 'epsinocage'?"
186
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,060
"Do you mean 'espionage'?"
187
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:08,853
"You're hired, madam!
188
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,028
We've been wondering for ten years."
189
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,781
I changed schools.
190
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,534
I went from India's top private boarding
school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar...
191
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,162
Yeah, yeah, damaged goods.
192
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,246
...to...
193
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,628
From Lawrence School, Sanawar,
to Delhi Public School.
194
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,882
Yeah, that was a great transition.
195
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,885
I went from an English medium school
196
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:43,221
to a school
where they spoke English medium.
197
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:53,398
I went from nouns, pronouns and verbs
to chest, shoulder, triceps.
198
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:59,237
I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats
to, "Eh, madam, eh!"
199
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,866
I couldn't do the examination thing.
200
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,619
Here's how bad my results were
in Delhi Public School.
201
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:10,832
My first PTA meeting, the teacher sat
my parents down and she was like,
202
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,125
"Mr...
203
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,211
and Mrs. Das...
204
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:21,217
Vir has issues...
205
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,644
that need to be...
206
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,063
addressed."
207
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:39,610
And then I realized she was talking
to my parents really slowly.
208
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:46,492
Because I think she just assumed
the stupidity ran through my family.
209
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,833
And the thing is, I'm not stupid.
I'm just dyslexic.
210
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,710
You guys know what dyslexia is?
211
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,504
It's a reading-writing disorder.
You jumble up letters.
212
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,382
When I was in school,
that shit didn't exist.
213
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,761
Like, if I went to my parents,
"Mom, Dad, I'm dyslexic,"
214
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,284
they'd be like, "Shut up,
boys are not meant to be with boys."
215
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,515
But...
216
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,270
By the way, if you're dyslexic,
being gay is a great choice.
217
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:19,484
Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like
a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word.
218
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,528
Something like "lozenges" or...
219
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,697
"logarithm."
220
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,659
Like, till date, I can't write cursive.
It's a big issue in my life.
221
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,286
I can't write joint letters.
222
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,748
I remember the first time I told my mom,
typical Indian mom,
223
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,209
I was like,
"Mom, I can't write joint letters."
224
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,003
And she was like,
"Why don't you write all the letters first
225
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,421
and join them later?"
226
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:50,807
"Because I'm writing an essay, Mom,
not designing a fucking freeway."
227
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,813
So I had to write all of my exams
in block letters,
228
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:01,317
so in my final grade 12 exam,
I got 52% in English,
229
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,194
even though my answers were good.
230
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,614
And I think it's because the examiner
thought I was yelling at him.
231
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,159
You know, he's just reading my paper.
232
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,247
"The reincarnations of Krishna
233
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,874
represent the true line
of Indian mythology!"
234
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,837
He's like, "Well, that's a good point,
but I don't like your attitude."
235
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,381
Because back then,
236
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,967
a Hindu screaming angrily
for no reason seemed strange.
237
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,510
Now it's election strategy.
238
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,437
I lost 80% of my religion this year.
239
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:41,524
And I think it's because I started
to believe in God.
240
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:50,116
I believe that God exists in children,
nature, animals.
241
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:53,161
Pretty much anywhere but temples,
churches and mosques.
242
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:55,079
That's where I believe God exists.
243
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,292
Because that, like...
244
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:03,129
'Cause I don't think he goes
to those places. I will explain why.
245
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,548
Do you ever take a selfie, guys?
You ever take a selfie?
246
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,260
And you know how to make yourself
look good in that selfie, right?
247
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:13,222
But if you hand your friend the phone,
they will fuck up the selfie.
248
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,516
Absolutely. Why?
249
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,103
Because they do not understand
your correct angles.
250
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,398
I think for God, man is that friend.
251
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,735
We have always fucked up the image of God
252
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,571
because we don't understand
his correct angles.
253
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,656
Symbolically and visually.
254
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,826
I think the first time
Jesus Christ walked into a church,
255
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,745
he was like, "What the fuck is that?
256
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,458
Who drew that shit?
You, Leonardo? Come here.
257
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,419
What is that shit, bro?
258
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,881
Who is that sad, skinny guy?
What is this shit? What is that?
259
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,096
I carried that cross for three days
without carbs.
260
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,682
You couldn't draw a tricep,
you son of a bitch?"
261
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:05,441
Hindus, I think the first time
our God Ganesha walked into a temple,
262
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,401
he was like, "What the fuck is that?
263
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,779
I'm half man, half elephant.
264
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,448
That's brown and gray.
What is all this color?
265
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,409
What, are you people on acid?
266
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,539
What is this? Hinduism by Disney?
What's going on?"
267
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:25,628
Muslims, I think the first time Muhammad
walked into a mosque, he was like...
268
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,593
I don't know what Muhammad looks like,
do you?
269
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:37,431
Nobody does. Every time we try to draw
the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember?
270
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,978
I'm not doing that joke.
Je suis intimidated, all right?
271
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:50,528
I can feel your assholes
just tightening up on that joke, yeah.
272
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,326
Look, guys,
I believe the future of world peace
273
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,495
is not going to come from politics
or economics.
274
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,997
It will come from religions.
275
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,375
The world will be okay
when every religion in the world learns
276
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,210
to have some fun and chill the fuck out.
277
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,045
Can we agree on that, yeah?
278
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,719
Two religions, in specific,
Christianity and Islam.
279
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,971
You've got to work your shit out, guys.
280
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,348
I feel like, as Hindus,
we can say that shit.
281
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,352
'Cause Hindus are like
your common best friend
282
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,813
who's caught in the middle
of your awkward break-up.
283
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:35,573
And I think the only country in the world
that can make that peace happen is you.
284
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:37,991
America.
285
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,328
You can do it. You can.
286
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,044
You, America, just have to do
with religion...
287
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:52,089
what you have always historically done
so well...
288
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,133
with foreign food.
289
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:03,976
Just, combine it and make
your own stupid American version of it.
290
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,426
Wouldn't you like to see
a religion of peace in the world?
291
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,108
Would you like to see that,
ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah?
292
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,027
A new religion of peace
293
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:17,323
when Muslims and Christians
can come together and pray in harmony.
294
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,408
Ladies and gentlemen, "Chrislam..."
295
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,084
Breathe, breath, breath.
296
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,253
Chrislam is a great religion, guys.
297
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,422
You know how, Christians, you get Sunday?
298
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,092
And, Muslims, you get Friday?
299
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,844
So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday.
300
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,598
You wake up on Saturday,
you go to the "chosque."
301
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,694
And there's great festivals in Chrislam,
guys. There's Eid-ster.
302
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,113
Ahh!
303
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,200
You just hide chocolate goats
in the garden. So much fun. So much fun.
304
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,621
There's Shukriya-giving...
305
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,209
...where you stuff a turkey into a burqa.
306
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:16,132
And my favorite festival, guys -
Halal-oween.
307
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,550
Um...
308
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:24,974
Halal-oween is so much fun.
309
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,810
You know,
where Christians and Muslims get together
310
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,104
and dress up as the people who scare them.
311
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,982
So, you know, Hindus.
312
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,569
And then you have common praying
in the chosque.
313
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,738
It's a beautiful thing, common praying.
314
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,656
Our Father who art in Heaven...
315
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,491
Our Father who... Allahu Akbar.
316
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:44,994
Hallowed be thy name...
317
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,245
Yalla be thy name.
318
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,247
Give us this day
319
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,330
our pitta bread.
320
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,834
As we forgive those
321
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,419
who hummus against us.
322
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,300
Hallelu...
323
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:03,387
yalla-a-a-ah!
324
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,939
And then Sonu Nigam wakes up.
325
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,786
Look, if we chill out and talk about
religion, what is a religion?
326
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:30,080
It's a really old comic book.
It's a really old superhero story.
327
00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:32,750
Muslims, Allah is your Batman.
328
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,378
Christians, Jesus is your Superman.
329
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,006
Single-hero comic books.
330
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:40,924
But, Hindus...
331
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:46,305
we created The Avengers, motherfuckers.
That's our shit, right?
332
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,521
Or did you think
I wasn't coming to you, huh?
333
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:57,274
That's all Hinduism is. It's The Avengers.
There's too many guys.
334
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,819
And nobody knows what the story is.
335
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:03,155
And don't eat beef.
336
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,701
No matter what we say,
we don't understand any of it.
337
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:09,703
We just end it with "don't eat beef."
338
00:22:10,371 --> 00:22:12,790
"Don't eat beef" is our "Despacito."
339
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,209
We always come back to that shit
in a circle.
340
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,090
And we legit don't eat beef.
We are militant about that shit.
341
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,509
We will eat a human being
before we eat beef.
342
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,595
In 100 years,
India's just gonna be, like,
343
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,932
three leftover Hindus and 27 million cows.
344
00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:44,989
If you remove 80% of the bullshit
in religion,
345
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:46,574
it's just a really cool story.
346
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:47,825
That's all that's left.
347
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:50,494
Like, Hinduism has some amazing stories.
348
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:53,956
Who here has read The Ramayan?
If you've read it, clap your hands, yeah?
349
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,043
The rest of you, you have to read it.
350
00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:00,754
It's one of the coolest stories
in the world.
351
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:04,550
So, tonight, because we are
in San Francisco...
352
00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:09,305
with your permission...
353
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:13,017
I would like to take America
through The Ramayan.
354
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:15,936
No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
355
00:23:16,020 --> 00:23:17,187
Shut the fuck up!
356
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:21,525
'Cause if you write a blog
after this shit, I will go to jail.
357
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,068
The law is very clear.
358
00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:26,071
If I distort facts about The Ramayan,
I can go to jail.
359
00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:27,323
So I will not do that.
360
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:31,327
The only thing you will hear coming out
of my mouth is fact.
361
00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:36,457
And the rest of this is a silent bit.
362
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:41,503
So, for the Americans,
let's recap the story of The Ramayan.
363
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,882
Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram.
364
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:48,469
His wife, our lead Goddess,
was a lady by the name of Sita.
365
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:52,306
Ram and Sita lived in the forest together
for how many years?
366
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,389
Fourteen!
367
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:57,853
Fourteen years. For protection,
they took along Ram's brother Laxman.
368
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:02,358
So it was Ram, Laxman and Sita
in the forest together for 14 years.
369
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:06,737
That's a fact.
370
00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:15,287
Americans on board, yeah? Ram, Laxman,
Sita in the forest together for 14 years.
371
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,790
One day, in the middle of the night,
372
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,834
Ram and Laxman were hunting
a golden deer in the forest...
373
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:24,380
with the great bow given to Ram
by Lord Shiva.
374
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:28,759
In the middle of the night,
Sita got abducted by a demon named Ravan.
375
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,344
Sita went missing.
376
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,805
Ram got pissed. Shit got real.
377
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,351
And that's The Ramayan.
378
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,520
Fact!
379
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,857
Fun fact, did you know...
380
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:48,696
that Laxman did not sleep for 14 years
when they were in that forest?
381
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,072
Did you know that shit?
382
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,281
Yes, he stayed awake.
383
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:56,578
Can you imagine how creepy that was
for Sita?
384
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,670
I'm just saying, you wake up
in the middle of the night,
385
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,088
there's a dude like... "Hello!
386
00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,591
Good morning. You're sleeping well?"
387
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:13,512
"Ram, can you get your creepy brother
out of here, please?
388
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,557
You know what?
Go to the forest and get me a deer.
389
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,685
And make it golden because, you know,
Delhi girl... "So, he left.
390
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,942
Now... Pay attention, San Francisco.
391
00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:30,654
In the middle of the forest
they saw a beautiful golden deer. Just...
392
00:25:35,492 --> 00:25:37,077
Ram was like, "Okay, sh...
393
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,872
...I'm gonna shoot the deer."
394
00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:44,001
"Good!"
395
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:00,684
"Ram."
396
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:04,521
"What?"
397
00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:07,191
"Why don't we..."
398
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:23,957
"What?"
399
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,128
"Shiva gave it to me, all right?"
400
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,008
"Shoot the deer."
401
00:26:58,534 --> 00:26:59,660
"I can see you."
402
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,734
"What is this?"
403
00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:35,154
"Shiva gave it to me."
404
00:27:46,373 --> 00:27:48,667
Look, if you remove the bullshit
from religion,
405
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,711
if you lose 80% of your religion,
406
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,588
what's left over is a cool story.
407
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,883
I love cool stories
because of my grandfather.
408
00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:57,593
I called him Baba.
409
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,887
He was the greatest storyteller
I ever met.
410
00:27:59,970 --> 00:28:02,723
I lost him last year.
Saddest day of my life.
411
00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:05,475
The next day,
all we could do was sit around
412
00:28:05,559 --> 00:28:08,812
and tell stories
about how he told cool stories.
413
00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:14,109
This beautiful mix of just grief
and plagiarism, to be honest.
414
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:19,573
And the best thing about his stories were
that they had no relevance
415
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,909
to the conversation
you were trying to have.
416
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:24,203
He just decided to say that shit.
417
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:27,789
My first heartbreak, I was 16 years old.
418
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,959
I ran to him. "Baba, Saba left me.
What do I do?"
419
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,255
He said, "You know, one day I tied
your father to a tree and beat him.
420
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,594
Then I got thirsty, went into the house,
had some pani,
421
00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:42,346
came out, beat him some more."
422
00:28:43,805 --> 00:28:47,100
Which is not the appropriate answer
to my question
423
00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:51,188
or, when you think about it, is
the appropriate answer to every question
424
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:54,334
because at that moment,
you're not thinking about your breakup.
425
00:28:54,358 --> 00:28:56,526
You're just thinking,
"This dude's a badass."
426
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,738
Who hydrates in the middle of child abuse?
427
00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:09,539
My granddad taught me
that 80% of this honesty
428
00:29:09,623 --> 00:29:12,376
that we value so much in each other
is unnecessary.
429
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:16,630
If you can tell beautiful,
truly beautiful lies, guys,
430
00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:20,884
the entire universe will conspire
to make those lies a reality.
431
00:29:21,718 --> 00:29:23,512
I submit to you Harry Potter.
432
00:29:24,972 --> 00:29:28,100
Harry Potter is a lie made up by a lady
in Scotland,
433
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:32,521
but it's a beautiful lie that children
believed, they made it a reality.
434
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:35,357
There are movies, merchandise,
theme parks.
435
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,193
If you go to King's Cross Station
in London,
436
00:29:38,277 --> 00:29:41,780
you will see a pillar
that actually says "Platform..."
437
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:42,948
93/4
438
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:44,241
"...93/4."
439
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,286
It's actually there and you can watch...
440
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,204
as stupid children...
441
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:54,625
run...
442
00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:57,713
60 feet into bricks...
443
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,883
and fall off stupider
than when they came to the station.
444
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,554
Awesome.
Because they believe a beautiful lie.
445
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,223
Now, before I tell you my next story,
446
00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:10,976
are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen
in the audience?
447
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:17,024
I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars
448
00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:19,568
are incredibly intelligent individuals.
449
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:20,651
Cool?
450
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:24,740
Now, if you apply that percentage
to the total Sikh population of the world,
451
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:25,907
that leaves three.
452
00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:30,871
And those three Sardars are
in my next story.
453
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:32,873
Now, when I was 12 years old...
454
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:37,878
And you said we were cool, man.
455
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:41,923
When I was 12 years old, my best friend
Amandeep got appendicitis.
456
00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:43,800
It was very serious,
his appendix ruptured,
457
00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:46,219
but that was not the beautiful lie
he told me.
458
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:48,602
He said, "Man, one day,
my stomach was hurting.
459
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,517
I told them, ate ice cream for two weeks
and skipped my exams."
460
00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:55,437
And I believed the beautiful lie,
461
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,231
so I waited four months
for my opportunity.
462
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,984
In the middle of class, I raised my hand.
463
00:31:01,068 --> 00:31:02,069
"Excuse me, ma'am.
464
00:31:02,778 --> 00:31:06,865
My stomach is hurting.
I believe I have 'accendipitis'."
465
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,372
And my teacher was like,
"I think that boy's gay."
466
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,834
So, now I'm just in the hospital
eating ice cream for two weeks.
467
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:20,587
Every now and then,
a doctor comes and pokes my stomach.
468
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,673
I make a noise
and the doctors believe the beautiful lie.
469
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:26,301
And I am thinking, "More ice cream."
470
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:28,804
Except they are thinking, "Road trip."
471
00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:33,100
So I get driven down to Chandigarh
to Sector 37
472
00:31:33,183 --> 00:31:35,143
to Santokh Singh Nursing Home.
473
00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:37,147
It is Friday night,
three o'clock in the morning.
474
00:31:37,187 --> 00:31:40,524
There are two Sardar doctors
with surgical masks looking down at me,
475
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:43,151
of which one is Dr. Santokh.
476
00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,571
So clearly not a fancy hospital,
477
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,324
more of a cottage industry,
family business setup.
478
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,701
Kind of scary.
479
00:31:51,785 --> 00:31:55,414
Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight
and your pilot was Captain Thansa.
480
00:32:01,086 --> 00:32:03,880
They put a plastic cap on my face.
I hear... "ssssssss"
481
00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:07,050
Which worries me. It's not a Punjabi sound
I'm familiar with.
482
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,637
If the machine went, "prrrrrrrrrrrra,"
I'm on board.
483
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,438
They're like,
"Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?"
484
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:23,066
Which I do,
and the Sardars are suitably impressed.
485
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,406
And...
486
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:31,491
Fuck, man. All right, uh...
487
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:35,454
And now all three of us are just
awkwardly looking at each other
488
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:38,457
because everybody in the hospital
is still very much awake.
489
00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:41,376
So now the two Sardars have
a conversation.
490
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:43,378
"I, uh, think he's still awake."
491
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:48,049
"Hainji? Really?
492
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,093
What gave it away, huh?
493
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:54,055
Was it the fact that his eyes are open
and he's looking at us right now?"
494
00:32:54,139 --> 00:32:56,308
"Fuck you, Bunty!
Don't give me attitude, all right?"
495
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:57,934
Shhhhh!
496
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:01,188
"Uh, Vir, could you sing
the National Anthem?"
497
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:02,938
So, naked...
498
00:33:04,858 --> 00:33:06,485
lying down on a bed, I go...
499
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:10,739
...and pass out.
500
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:13,408
Now, Indians, I know why you're upset.
501
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:15,160
I know what you are thinking.
502
00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:18,788
You are thinking,
"He didn't stand for the National Anthem."
503
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,671
Even Americans are like,
"Could he take a knee?"
504
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:25,712
"No, I couldn't fucking take a knee."
505
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:27,672
I wake up 12 hours later.
506
00:33:27,756 --> 00:33:31,009
Dr. Santok is standing above me
looking very pissed off
507
00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:33,803
because he has stopped believing
the beautiful lie.
508
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:38,350
And he says, "Vir, your stomach
was not hurting, was it?"
509
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:40,977
- "It is sore..."
- "Shut up!
510
00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:46,691
We could get into so much trouble...
511
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:51,279
if people found out
that two Sardar doctors...
512
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,867
could not tell
a 12-year-old was lying to them.
513
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:02,332
Because when we opened you up,
514
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:05,293
we found a perfectly healthy appendix
in there...
515
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:07,837
so we removed it anyway."
516
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:14,553
And that's the power of a beautiful lie.
517
00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,680
You can give yourself appendicitis.
518
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:21,810
What, you guys don't believe me?
519
00:34:22,811 --> 00:34:23,811
Really?
520
00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:27,148
Who believes me? Raise your hands.
521
00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:33,530
Who doesn't believe me? Raise your hands.
522
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,866
I'm hurt, San Francisco.
523
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:39,743
Legit hurt.
524
00:34:40,829 --> 00:34:44,207
Has anybody here had appendicitis?
If you had appendicitis, raise your hands.
525
00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:47,210
Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar?
How big is it?
526
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:48,920
Is it about that big, yeah?
527
00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:50,005
Is it this big?
528
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,013
Oh, shit just got real, huh,
San Francisco, huh?
529
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,348
That's pretty big, right?
530
00:35:00,432 --> 00:35:03,101
That means when they were in there,
they looked around and shit.
531
00:35:04,978 --> 00:35:07,355
There was a normal Punjabi surgery
happening.
532
00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,886
You think the two Sardars had
a conversation?
533
00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,930
"Uh, Bunty, do you see
a perfectly healthy appendix?"
534
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:46,436
"No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled
and it's curving to the left."
535
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:48,605
"Bunty, that's not his appendix."
536
00:35:56,863 --> 00:36:01,368
So now I just lie and everybody
around me is happier for it, I think.
537
00:36:01,785 --> 00:36:03,828
Look how happy you look right now.
538
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:05,997
Maybe it's because half the shit
539
00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:08,375
that I've told you tonight
is a complete lie.
540
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,087
Maybe, I never grew up in Africa.
541
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,631
I never did a world tour.
542
00:36:14,714 --> 00:36:16,883
My granddad isn't even dead.
543
00:36:19,052 --> 00:36:20,845
We flew him in for the Netflix special.
544
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,806
"Baba, just stand up and take a bow,
please."
545
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:26,059
Okay, my granddad actually is dead,
but how much fun was that lie?
546
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:27,142
That was fun.
547
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,145
That was fun, guys.
548
00:36:29,229 --> 00:36:30,271
That was fun.
549
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:32,691
So I'm in therapy.
550
00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:38,697
I'm in therapy
because I lost 80% of my mind.
551
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:40,573
It's very freeing.
552
00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:45,578
Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable.
We treat therapy like it's an STD, right?
553
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:48,248
Keep it down. Keep it quiet.
Don't tell anybody.
554
00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:51,552
But there might be a day in your life
when you need to go to therapy,
555
00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:53,294
when you need help, and that's okay.
556
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:55,088
Maybe you have a loss.
557
00:36:55,547 --> 00:36:57,298
Maybe you have a heartbreak.
558
00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,384
Me, I did a movie called Mastizaade.
559
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:05,181
Now, we're gonna pause the show again,
560
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:09,352
so I can explain to the American people
what Mastizaade is.
561
00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:12,731
Look, Americans...
562
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:18,445
Mastizaade was a really big budget
sex comedy film...
563
00:37:19,112 --> 00:37:20,405
starring me.
564
00:37:21,865 --> 00:37:23,658
And the worst thing about Mastizaade,
565
00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,077
there's no defense
for how bad that movie was.
566
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:29,581
Like, me trying to defend Mastizaade
is like Hitler going,
567
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,416
"Look, some of those Jews were assholes."
568
00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:38,923
And the worst thing about Mastizaade
is that it's on Netflix.
569
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,266
If you type "Vir Das" on Netflix,
570
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,643
you will find Mastizaade
next to this shit.
571
00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:56,775
But when I did Mastizaade, I did something
that every Bollywood actor has done
572
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,276
at some point in his career.
573
00:37:59,110 --> 00:38:00,904
I starred in a shitty movie.
574
00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:01,987
Fair?
575
00:38:02,864 --> 00:38:03,864
Fair?
576
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:08,369
Did I know before I did it
that it was a shitty movie?
577
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:10,329
Yes!
578
00:38:10,580 --> 00:38:12,582
Fuck, yes, I knew it was a shitty movie.
579
00:38:16,336 --> 00:38:19,047
I read the script. It was, "Party, party,
shit, shit, the end."
580
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,174
But I was kind of desperate.
581
00:38:21,257 --> 00:38:25,678
I needed the money and I got to romance
Sunny Leone on screen for two months.
582
00:38:28,056 --> 00:38:30,558
Sunny Leone, one
of the most beautiful women in the world,
583
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,311
and you think... you think
you are going to have cool stories
584
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,730
to tell your children
when they're growing up.
585
00:38:36,898 --> 00:38:40,860
You tell them how you were Employee of
the Month at KPMG or some shit like that.
586
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:47,033
My kids are gonna be running up to me
with iPads, "Papa, this lady?"
587
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:55,959
"I love you, Papa. You're my hero!"
588
00:38:58,461 --> 00:38:59,587
"Get in the Maruti."
589
00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:06,219
She's intelligent. She's talented.
She's beautiful. She's an entrepreneur.
590
00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:10,139
She's down-to-earth, which is why when
the movie came out, nobody got mad at her.
591
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,518
Everybody got mad at... me.
592
00:39:14,936 --> 00:39:18,773
The Times of India is the largest
circulated newspaper in the world.
593
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:21,401
They had a supplement article
with a headline
594
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:24,863
that said,
"Vir Das has committed career suicide.
595
00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,740
That's if he had a career
in the first place."
596
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,953
And then my phone stopped ringing...
597
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:34,956
for five months.
598
00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:37,959
Fucking Vodafone wouldn't call me.
599
00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,552
Once a month, that Airtel girl
would put on a nun's outfit, call me,
600
00:39:47,635 --> 00:39:50,346
and be like, "Shame, shame,"
and put the phone down.
601
00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,350
And that's what I felt.
602
00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,936
I felt intense, crippling shame,
603
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,690
like I had messed up
everything I had built for ten years.
604
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:03,151
Eventually,
all I did was really learn a lesson.
605
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:05,361
Here's the lesson I learned.
606
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:06,446
I learned...
607
00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:11,743
...that your talent belongs to you...
608
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:15,079
and weirdly,
your reputation belongs to other people.
609
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,875
Like, other people will decide
when you are cool, uncool,
610
00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:21,920
finished, relevant, irrelevant,
want a selfie, don't care.
611
00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:24,339
It's none of your business.
Don't think about that shit.
612
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:26,466
It's a disease. You can't control it.
613
00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:29,719
Focus on the talent you have
in front of you and you'll always be okay.
614
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:30,929
That's what I learned.
615
00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:39,562
And I plan to take that suffering
and that bleeding...
616
00:40:40,229 --> 00:40:41,940
and everything I went through...
617
00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:45,526
and put it all into Mastizaade 2,
618
00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:47,070
coming out in October, guys.
619
00:40:47,236 --> 00:40:50,406
It's gonna be on Netflix.
It's gonna be fucking awesome.
620
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,706
You know what I was trying to do
with that movie?
621
00:40:56,746 --> 00:40:59,374
I was trying to get more famous
really fast. That's all it was.
622
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:00,457
And I did.
623
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:05,088
I got 20% more fame
at the expense of 80% of my credibility.
624
00:41:08,508 --> 00:41:11,678
But we're sold on these Bollywood dreams
when we're in school, right?
625
00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,680
We see Shahrukh Khan on TV.
626
00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:18,601
India's biggest star spreading his arms
and a girl runs towards him.
627
00:41:18,685 --> 00:41:20,937
And you're like,
"Man, I wanna do that some day."
628
00:41:21,020 --> 00:41:23,356
And I did. I lived that dream.
629
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:28,820
And when you do that shit, you discover
that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off.
630
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,406
It's terrifying.
631
00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:33,616
You need balls to pull that off.
632
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:35,994
You know how actors have inner monologues?
633
00:41:36,077 --> 00:41:38,830
That's what you tell yourself.
"I have balls. I have balls.
634
00:41:40,331 --> 00:41:42,041
Big, big balls. Big, big balls."
635
00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:44,836
Come, look at my balls.
636
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:48,726
Don't believe me?
I'll prove it to you now.
637
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,118
Come on, everybody sing the song.
638
00:41:54,721 --> 00:41:56,721
"I have balls. I have balls.
639
00:41:58,307 --> 00:42:00,101
Big, big balls. Big, big balls."
640
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:18,244
And then you stay there...
641
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:20,329
anticipating...
642
00:42:21,581 --> 00:42:22,581
longing...
643
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:26,794
'cause the girl is running towards you
in slow motion.
644
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,004
D-dshhhh.
645
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:29,922
D-dshhhh.
646
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,966
That's the shit you see. I see...
647
00:42:32,050 --> 00:42:33,551
Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta!
648
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:35,386
They shoot that shit in real time.
649
00:42:35,845 --> 00:42:37,472
Three seconds, she has arrived.
650
00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:41,346
You're like, "Listen, I haven't acted yet.
Could you do another lap, please?"
651
00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:43,227
D-dshhhh.
652
00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:46,814
So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day
just doing athletics.
653
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:51,652
She's got 90 kilos
of embroidery and gold and jewels.
654
00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:55,114
You can see diamonds just flying off her
as she's running.
655
00:42:55,198 --> 00:42:58,451
You see the Queen of England behind her
just picking that shit up.
656
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:13,299
You see Nirav Modi behind that bitch
picking shit up as well.
657
00:43:20,681 --> 00:43:22,100
When you live that dream...
658
00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:24,560
and 80% of that dream is over,
659
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,479
all it does is give you more dreams.
660
00:43:28,189 --> 00:43:31,234
So now I don't know if I want to be
a Bollywood hero anymore.
661
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:33,736
I want to be a superhero.
662
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,949
I'm gonna just put this out there
into the universe.
663
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:40,952
I want to be an Indian superhero
in a Marvel movie.
664
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,166
#MakeVirMarvel
665
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:48,250
All right, uh...
666
00:43:49,544 --> 00:43:51,504
It could happen, right?
Did you see Black Panther?
667
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:53,131
Did you see Black Panther?
668
00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:57,718
Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa,
it made me so happy to see...
669
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:07,353
You know, it just made me happy
to see African voices
670
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:11,440
and African perspectives
and African fashion,
671
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:14,861
packaged together beautifully
to make money for nine white people.
672
00:44:14,944 --> 00:44:16,404
It made me so happy, guys.
673
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,283
Black people, God bless you.
674
00:44:20,366 --> 00:44:21,993
You just got Slumdogged.
675
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:31,586
But my point is they still got
their movie. They got Black Panther.
676
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:33,629
Where is ours? Where is Brown Cow?
677
00:44:39,844 --> 00:44:41,762
Don't you want to see Brown Cow, huh?
678
00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:46,309
You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now.
679
00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:48,519
It's the end of the movie.
Nothing is going well.
680
00:44:48,603 --> 00:44:50,396
All five Avengers are dead.
681
00:44:50,479 --> 00:44:52,440
Thanos is about to kill the world.
682
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,358
The Earth is about to explode.
683
00:44:54,442 --> 00:44:55,860
All of a sudden, you hear...
684
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:04,619
And a big cow comes and sits down
in the center of the movie.
685
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:09,999
And just like Indian traffic,
686
00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:12,835
the entire movie comes to a standstill
around the cow.
687
00:45:16,088 --> 00:45:20,009
Thanos tries to kill the cow.
40 BJP supporters surround Thanos.
688
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:25,723
"This is our Mother. This is our God.
This is our Mother. This is our God.
689
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:29,435
This is our Mother. This is our God.
This is our Mother. This is our God."
690
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,357
- The Tesseract falls to the floor.
- They're like...
691
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,445
"This is where the temple will be."
692
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:47,161
Because that is the defining
political question of India for 30 years.
693
00:45:47,245 --> 00:45:49,747
"Build a temple or a mosque?"
694
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:50,665
Fuck that!
695
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:52,500
Make some parathas. Feed them to everyone.
696
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:04,679
I know it seems far-fetched,
but I'm a man.
697
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:07,431
You see this shit? This is all men.
698
00:46:08,266 --> 00:46:11,227
And men are defined
by their unrealistic dreams.
699
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,063
I'm a dreamer, San Francisco.
700
00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:19,026
Like, here's a dream I have.
701
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:25,574
I dream that...
702
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,119
one day...
703
00:46:29,453 --> 00:46:32,123
monkeys will give scientists equal rights.
704
00:46:37,003 --> 00:46:39,672
For too long
we have oppressed scientists...
705
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,384
from their dream of becoming monkeys.
706
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:48,731
Because in those beautiful five seconds
when you fall asleep at night,
707
00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:50,891
when your dreams mesh into your reality...
708
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,353
all a scientist dreams of being...
709
00:46:56,439 --> 00:46:57,439
...is a monkey.
710
00:47:04,739 --> 00:47:06,282
Do you feel me, San Francisco?
711
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:10,493
No?
712
00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:13,538
Are you on board?
713
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:15,915
No?
714
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:21,422
And that's how I feel about feminism.
715
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:33,476
Okay, women, calm the fuck down.
Jesus Christ!
716
00:47:34,101 --> 00:47:36,437
Did you feel the energy shift
in the room, huh?
717
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:40,191
Just the BuzzFeed articles rising
in their bodies. Did you feel that shit?
718
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,196
The dictionary defines feminism
719
00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:48,657
as the advocacy of equal rights
based on the equality of the sexes.
720
00:47:48,741 --> 00:47:51,494
I'm on board with only the first half
of that sentence.
721
00:47:52,161 --> 00:47:53,871
I believe we deserve equal rights.
722
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:56,540
I do not believe in the equality
of the sexes.
723
00:47:56,624 --> 00:48:00,461
I believe that women are beautiful,
intelligent, layered, complex creatures.
724
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:01,921
Men are with them.
725
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:08,928
My definition of feminism is not letting
a woman be whatever a man can be.
726
00:48:09,011 --> 00:48:12,181
It's letting a woman be
whatever a woman wants to be.
727
00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:13,264
To limit...
728
00:48:14,517 --> 00:48:17,561
To limit a woman
to the achievements of a man
729
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:20,856
is to ask a scientist to become a monkey.
730
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:26,779
Feel better, ladies, yeah?
731
00:48:29,156 --> 00:48:32,034
You're so stupid,
you believe anything. All right, uh...
732
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:35,830
No, whoa, whoa! Calm down.
733
00:48:36,956 --> 00:48:38,541
I identify as a feminist.
734
00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,709
If you do, clap your hands, please, yes?
735
00:48:42,962 --> 00:48:46,090
Isn't it a wonderful feeling, guys, huh?
736
00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:49,093
Isn't the best thing about it
that you can identify as a feminist
737
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:52,096
and feel like one
without actually doing anything about it?
738
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,223
You can just feel it...
739
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:56,016
on the inside.
740
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,021
That's Indian feminism.
We identify and fuck off.
741
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:05,985
It's feminism, not the Gymkhana Club.
You don't need a membership card.
742
00:49:07,403 --> 00:49:10,239
If there's one thing
we can learn from racists,
743
00:49:11,031 --> 00:49:12,700
it's less talk, more action.
744
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,537
You don't see racists
identifying as racists,
745
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:20,291
writing blogs about feeling
the racism inside.
746
00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:23,878
No, they just wake up in the morning
and they do racist shit every day,
747
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:25,504
all day long, with commitment,
748
00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:28,048
and look how far their movement has come.
749
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:30,676
They're running your country,
my country, Britain.
750
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:33,220
Well done, racists.
I say, "Well done, racists."
751
00:49:33,596 --> 00:49:34,430
And, no,
752
00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:37,057
you know the best thing about racism?
Anybody can be a racist.
753
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:39,643
They let you in,
irrespective of, like, your income group,
754
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,812
your sexual preference, your nationality.
755
00:49:41,896 --> 00:49:44,565
Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys.
756
00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:49,528
With this whole feminism bit, ladies,
I'm not trying to pander to you.
757
00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:52,948
I'm not trying to tell you what you need
to hear because guess what? I'm a man.
758
00:49:53,032 --> 00:49:55,409
I don't know, we haven't shut the fuck up
long enough
759
00:49:55,493 --> 00:49:58,078
to know what you want to hear, all right?
All right?
760
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:03,751
So, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't know how to be a feminist.
761
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,879
I spoke to one and she said,
"If you want to be a good feminist,
762
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:08,881
forget how you treat women,
763
00:50:08,964 --> 00:50:11,509
begin with how you view yourself as a man
764
00:50:11,592 --> 00:50:14,428
because 80% of masculinity is bullshit."
765
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:18,140
And you think about that...
766
00:50:20,684 --> 00:50:23,437
Like, aren't you tired of being a man?
767
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,401
Can't we just be male?
768
00:50:30,319 --> 00:50:32,696
Because being a man is fucking exhausting.
769
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:35,908
And it affects the way
you treat other people. Like,
770
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:37,785
why do we have to show strength every day?
771
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,788
Men have to show strength all the time
in physical activities.
772
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:43,290
Like you, buddy.
Come here, shake my hand, please.
773
00:50:43,374 --> 00:50:46,669
If you can. Thank you so much.
Why do I squeeze his hand so hard?
774
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:50,756
Why are men expected to do this?
Does this achieve anything?
775
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:54,260
Yeah, what do I think? Toothpaste is going
to come out of your ears?
776
00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:58,597
Is this powerful? No.
777
00:50:58,681 --> 00:51:01,892
You know what I like to do?
I take a man's hand and I kiss it.
778
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,775
And then I watch as his life falls apart
in front of me.
779
00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:16,574
As he quickly checks to see if there's
any movement in his underwear whatsoever.
780
00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:23,080
Why do men have to defend women
like they're objects?
781
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:25,207
I'm sorry. I don't defend my wife anymore.
782
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:26,667
If somebody insults my wife,
783
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:30,212
I inform them that their insult
could have been more accurate.
784
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,176
Oh, you think she looks slutty now?
You should have seen her in 2014.
785
00:51:37,845 --> 00:51:40,347
That was her thigh-high boots year.
786
00:51:40,848 --> 00:51:43,976
Speaking of which, why are men
so obsessed with wardrobe?
787
00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:47,896
Not ours, yours. You think
women care about what women wear?
788
00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:49,857
No, we care about what women wear.
789
00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:52,818
We look at your wardrobe
like it's the Rosetta Stone,
790
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:54,987
just looking for hidden messages
in that shit.
791
00:51:55,613 --> 00:51:58,157
Every time a woman in India wears
something revealing,
792
00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,825
like many of you are doing tonight,
793
00:51:59,908 --> 00:52:03,829
Indian men say shit like,
"Oh, she's asking for it."
794
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,207
Am I wrong, ladies?
Have you heard that in your lives, yeah?
795
00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:11,462
Our politicians have said that shit
on the news.
796
00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,422
"She was asking for it."
797
00:52:14,340 --> 00:52:15,799
Which is bullshit.
798
00:52:16,550 --> 00:52:21,680
The infinite beauty and fun
of being a woman
799
00:52:21,764 --> 00:52:23,432
is if she's asking for it?
800
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:25,809
She can just ask for it.
801
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,697
Because it is available, I promise you.
802
00:52:41,325 --> 00:52:44,453
She can just think of it and 20 "its"
will line up outside her door.
803
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,789
For a woman, the world is Amazon.in.
804
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,666
You can ask for it, compare it,
size of it,
805
00:52:48,749 --> 00:52:50,584
deliver it, Prime it, non-Prime it.
806
00:52:51,502 --> 00:52:53,379
Cash on delivery, whatever you like.
807
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:57,758
That's the beauty of being a woman.
It's so specific.
808
00:52:57,841 --> 00:52:59,093
You get to ask for it.
809
00:52:59,385 --> 00:53:00,385
It!
810
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:02,805
Men, we just want to get some.
811
00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:15,150
But nobody's looking for hidden messages
in men's clothing, are they?
812
00:53:15,234 --> 00:53:17,861
I could wear a T-shirt
that said, "Fuck me in the ass."
813
00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:20,781
I give you full permission
to fuck me in the ass
814
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,866
and nobody would do anything about that.
815
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,370
They'd just be like,
"Well, that's a cool souvenir."
816
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:31,542
Yet, men have the freedom to wear
whatever we want... within limits.
817
00:53:32,376 --> 00:53:34,920
You know, you can't just
drape two bed sheets around yourself
818
00:53:35,003 --> 00:53:36,797
and run an investment bank.
819
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:40,008
But you can run Uttar Pradesh.
820
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:55,649
So, how do we get women the freedom
to wear whatever women want to wear?
821
00:53:56,275 --> 00:53:58,736
I'm proposing humbly a two-week course
in school
822
00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:00,404
where all children cross-dress.
823
00:54:01,447 --> 00:54:03,991
All boys wear girls' clothing,
every single item,
824
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:07,411
all girls wear boys' clothing,
every single item,
825
00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:10,289
so that the right dots connect
in your mind as an adult.
826
00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:13,292
So, the next time you Indian boys,
you go out to a club
827
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:16,170
and you see a beautiful girl
walking towards you,
828
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,213
just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels...
829
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:26,180
...your first thought as an Indian male
is, "Her feet must be tired, man.
830
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:36,439
Five-inch.
831
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:41,445
Her under-boob must be so sore
with the wire all tight jammed in there."
832
00:54:42,571 --> 00:54:46,158
Most guys aren't laughing 'cause you don't
know there's a wire in the under-boob.
833
00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:51,622
You just thought there was 300 bucks
in there for a rainy day, right?
834
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:55,918
That's how Indian aunties go shopping
like ninjas.
835
00:54:56,084 --> 00:54:58,086
Hatsa-hatsa-hatsa!
836
00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:02,341
They pay from this one
and put the change in that one.
837
00:55:02,466 --> 00:55:04,384
It's debit, credit.
838
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,352
I don't know, that's just my opinion.
839
00:55:13,435 --> 00:55:15,354
Ladies, it's more valuable than yours.
840
00:55:18,941 --> 00:55:22,194
I come from India. We don't even want you
to cultivate an opinion.
841
00:55:22,820 --> 00:55:25,697
We oppress the Indian girl child
by keeping her out of school.
842
00:55:25,781 --> 00:55:27,741
Are you familiar with this problem, yeah?
843
00:55:28,534 --> 00:55:33,956
Man, I think every single school in India
should adopt disco nightclub policy.
844
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:36,458
Couple entry only.
845
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:43,173
If you are enrolling a boy,
somebody has to enroll a girl.
846
00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:44,800
There are problems with this strategy.
847
00:55:44,883 --> 00:55:49,304
India has 72 million uneducated Indian men
left over if you do this.
848
00:55:49,388 --> 00:55:50,848
What do you do with these fuckers?
849
00:55:51,849 --> 00:55:53,517
I'm proposing a new armed force.
850
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,229
Like America has the First Response,
call these guys the Worst Response.
851
00:55:58,897 --> 00:56:01,275
So every time India is at war
with a country,
852
00:56:01,358 --> 00:56:04,903
you send these Indian men in
and tell them to just exist.
853
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,615
"Go to that country and exist."
854
00:56:09,116 --> 00:56:12,160
Within one month, they'll be shitting
on monuments, spitting in public,
855
00:56:12,244 --> 00:56:15,163
starting illegal businesses,
immigration rackets.
856
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:20,377
Just distracting the opponent,
then the army goes in there and kicks ass.
857
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:24,315
Before you send in the troops, you send in
the choots, ladies and gentlemen.
858
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:25,340
That's my strategy.
859
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:30,762
Mission accomplished.
860
00:56:31,847 --> 00:56:33,056
Mission...
861
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:35,058
...accomplished.
862
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,061
And that's a question I have about men.
863
00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:40,772
When 99% of men are failures,
864
00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:43,817
why are we so obsessed with the idea
of accomplishment?
865
00:56:44,776 --> 00:56:46,111
The idea of success?
866
00:56:47,446 --> 00:56:49,781
If a man got up on a stage
and told people
867
00:56:49,865 --> 00:56:54,202
that in the last two years, he had lost
his fame, his fortune, his patriotism,
868
00:56:54,286 --> 00:56:57,122
his nationality, his religion,
his credibility,
869
00:56:57,205 --> 00:56:59,166
his masculinity and his mind,
870
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:01,460
is he even a man?
871
00:57:03,462 --> 00:57:05,130
Or is he just 20% of one?
872
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:10,468
I don't know.
873
00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:13,221
I'm just here for the beef.
874
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:32,157
A human being needs nine to ten ounces
of beef every 15 years to stay healthy.
875
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,159
A fucking doctor told me that shit.
876
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:38,246
We ain't done yet, San Francisco.
877
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,250
Do you want to know
what my job was in 2002?
878
00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:44,086
Yeah!
879
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,004
I was a dishwasher in Chicago.
880
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:49,758
Now... No, no, no. Indians, don't get sad
and sentimental. Fuck you!
881
00:57:51,093 --> 00:57:52,970
The minute you mention
any other profession
882
00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:55,055
apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer,
883
00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:57,474
Indians are like, "See, he struggled.
He struggled."
884
00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:01,603
I did not struggle.
This is not an inspirational story.
885
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:05,399
Being a dishwasher in America
is fantastic.
886
00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:09,861
You get head gear, mouth gear,
rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents.
887
00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:11,863
We give less equipment to a surgeon...
888
00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:16,201
...at Santokh Singh Nursing Home.
889
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:25,419
When you're a dishwasher,
890
00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:28,505
you spend most of your day
watching food leave the kitchen.
891
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:33,552
The one thing I always loved to watch
was a beautiful piece of beef, ten ounces.
892
00:58:34,469 --> 00:58:35,595
The filet mignon.
893
00:58:36,847 --> 00:58:38,849
I'm sorry, Indians, "filet migg-non".
894
00:58:42,728 --> 00:58:44,354
And sometimes that piece of meat
895
00:58:44,438 --> 00:58:46,732
would come back unfinished,
a few bites left,
896
00:58:46,815 --> 00:58:48,984
and it just... God, it bred this...
897
00:58:49,067 --> 00:58:51,486
...this darkness,
this resentment inside of me.
898
00:58:52,487 --> 00:58:55,449
I said, "Look at these fucking Americans
wasting their beef!
899
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:57,199
How dare you?
900
00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:02,372
You know, one day I will go back to India
and there I can eat all the beef I want."
901
00:59:09,838 --> 00:59:12,591
But you have to understand.
This was a $29 steak.
902
00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:13,717
To me back then,
903
00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:18,597
spending 29 bucks on beef represented
everything in the world I didn't have.
904
00:59:19,306 --> 00:59:23,935
You know, peace of mind, success,
the ability to kill a god.
905
00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:32,903
And so as a treat for myself,
I'd been saving up for that steak dinner,
906
00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:36,156
and I had the money,
and just before I could eat it,
907
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:38,617
the American government took
my dream away.
908
00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:42,871
They didn't ban beef. My visa expired.
I had to leave.
909
00:59:44,956 --> 00:59:45,956
You'll find out.
910
00:59:47,918 --> 00:59:48,918
Um...
911
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:59,679
And like I said, I didn't think about
that beef for 15 years until last month.
912
01:00:00,138 --> 01:00:02,557
True story.
Last month, I went back to my college,
913
01:00:02,641 --> 01:00:04,518
Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois.
914
01:00:04,643 --> 01:00:08,396
Uh, I was their commencement speaker.
I got given an honorary doctorate.
915
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:09,605
Um...
916
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,904
I'm Dr. Das now.
917
01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:20,158
And you did well in your board exams.
918
01:00:30,335 --> 01:00:33,380
But much better than receiving my degree
for saving lives...
919
01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:39,052
what felt a lot better
was the meal I had after.
920
01:00:39,803 --> 01:00:41,763
Because after that, after 15 years,
921
01:00:41,847 --> 01:00:45,934
I walked into the Grand Lux Cafe
on Michigan Avenue in Chicago
922
01:00:46,017 --> 01:00:48,186
where I washed dishes for two years
923
01:00:48,270 --> 01:00:52,607
and I ordered the filet mignon
and I finished every bite of that steak.
924
01:00:55,443 --> 01:00:56,570
Kind of.
925
01:00:57,654 --> 01:01:00,824
This is not an inspirational story.
Keep your shit together.
926
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,870
I've had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life.
927
01:01:05,287 --> 01:01:06,454
Don't tell the BJP.
928
01:01:09,624 --> 01:01:10,624
And that steak...
929
01:01:12,919 --> 01:01:14,296
was the most...
930
01:01:16,298 --> 01:01:20,594
average steak I have ever eaten
in my life.
931
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:22,053
It was a shitty steak.
932
01:01:22,554 --> 01:01:24,347
I don't know what I thought would happen.
933
01:01:24,431 --> 01:01:28,018
That I'd take one bite and the lighting
in the restaurant would change,
934
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:30,395
and music would begin to play
935
01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:33,023
and all the waiters would start
a slow clap
936
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:35,609
and they'd come and put
their forks and knives on my table
937
01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:38,028
like the faculty from A Beautiful Mind?
938
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:40,697
And two children would stand up on chairs
and salute me
939
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,741
and be like, "My captain, beef captain?"
940
01:01:42,908 --> 01:01:44,701
But none of that shit happened.
941
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,205
In reality, I just sat there
and I did something
942
01:01:48,288 --> 01:01:50,665
that I haven't had time to do
in three years.
943
01:01:50,749 --> 01:01:52,959
I just... thought about shit.
944
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:58,340
And I thought about how many Hindus
this story is going to piss off.
945
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,343
There's gonna be some Tweets.
946
01:02:02,260 --> 01:02:04,971
Or maybe they don't care
as long as it's not a brown cow.
947
01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:08,557
I thought...
948
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:13,939
about how eating an average piece of beef
still felt better
949
01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:15,649
than shooting an average movie.
950
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:21,196
I thought about how this might be a story
my grandfather Baba would tell.
951
01:02:21,863 --> 01:02:24,574
"Huh, we used to wait 15 years
for one piece of beef."
952
01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:29,746
And then I thought I should stop eating
this because this is a shit steak.
953
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,165
And my stomach will hurt for real soon.
954
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:34,542
Then my waitress came over
955
01:02:34,626 --> 01:02:37,837
and I noticed her looking at
my unfinished piece of beef.
956
01:02:39,547 --> 01:02:40,966
She said, "Are you all set?"
957
01:02:42,842 --> 01:02:45,136
"Yeah. I'm done."
958
01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:47,722
"So you're finished?"
959
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:52,476
"No."
960
01:02:55,063 --> 01:03:00,151
And then I did the most un-Indian thing
I might have ever done.
961
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:02,570
I tipped...
962
01:03:06,783 --> 01:03:07,783
...well.
963
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:11,621
My check was $42.
964
01:03:11,705 --> 01:03:15,250
I left my waitress a $350 tip
with a note...
965
01:03:15,667 --> 01:03:19,462
that said, "Look, I know where you are
right now because I've been here too.
966
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:22,299
But you won't always be here,
I promise you.
967
01:03:22,382 --> 01:03:24,718
Just know that." Smiley face.
968
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:28,555
Which is a pretty sweet thing to say.
Can we agree on that, yeah?
969
01:03:29,306 --> 01:03:30,724
Like, that's the lesson I learned.
970
01:03:30,807 --> 01:03:32,183
If you want to feel good again,
971
01:03:32,267 --> 01:03:34,185
stop constructing good things
for yourself.
972
01:03:34,269 --> 01:03:37,230
Just say good shit to other people
and you'll feel amazing.
973
01:03:37,605 --> 01:03:40,191
And if you're gonna say good shit
to other people,
974
01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:42,944
make damn sure that you say it...
975
01:03:43,862 --> 01:03:44,988
out loud.
976
01:03:45,947 --> 01:03:48,658
Because if you write it down
on a piece of paper...
977
01:03:50,952 --> 01:03:52,329
in block letters...
978
01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:00,795
"I know where you are right now...
979
01:04:05,133 --> 01:04:06,926
...because I've been here too.
980
01:04:10,472 --> 01:04:12,682
But you won't always be here...
981
01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:16,311
I promise you.
982
01:04:17,604 --> 01:04:19,481
Just know that."
983
01:04:20,023 --> 01:04:22,233
Smiley face.
984
01:04:31,117 --> 01:04:32,744
She probably ran into the kitchen like,
985
01:04:32,827 --> 01:04:35,288
"This Indian guy wants to fuck me
for 350 bucks!
986
01:04:36,164 --> 01:04:37,457
What the hell do I do?"
987
01:04:38,249 --> 01:04:40,543
So I panic and I run out
of this restaurant,
988
01:04:41,169 --> 01:04:43,671
and I see that the waitress
is running after me.
989
01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:48,468
And she stops me and she's like,
"Wait, you left me a $350 tip."
990
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,304
And I tell her the two-minute version
991
01:04:51,388 --> 01:04:53,848
of what it just took me an hour
to tell you guys.
992
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:57,185
She's like, "Wow, that's a crazy story.
993
01:04:58,645 --> 01:05:01,022
I just thought you miscalculated the tip."
994
01:05:05,068 --> 01:05:07,987
But it seemed unlikely
because, you know, Indian people...
995
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:12,242
you're, like, so smart."
996
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,044
Good night.
Thank you so much, San Francisco.
997
01:05:24,305 --> 01:05:30,781
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
82672
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.