All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e04 - Change Is Gonna Do Me Good

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?
Oh, hi, Diane.

No, nothing.
I just finished the dishes. Sitting around.

Dancing?

Oh, that sounds great.
Oh.

No, it's the 15th.
Bob pays the bills tonight.

Well, you know,
it's a monthly ritual.

It's a big deal. He's probably
getting into his outfit right now.

L- I'd really love to go,
but I'd feel funny dipping by myself.

Maybe another time.
Thanks anyhow.

Yeah, give my love
to the boys in the band. Good-bye.

- Be still, my heart.
- Who was on the phone?

Gentlemen'; Quarterly
They want you to be a centerfold.

Emily, if I have to do the bills,
I want to be comfortable...

and these are my most
comfortable clothes.

You know, Bob, you are the only man
I know who has a costume for paying bills.

Fine.
Who was on the phone?

Oh, it was Diane Nugent.
They want us to go dancing with them tonight.

Well, I'm not really
dressed for it.

Honey, I'd really love to go.
Couldn't you do the bills another night?

Emily, I always pay
the bills on the I 5th.

Today was the 15th.
Tonight's the night.

[Chuckles]
That's what you think, Bob.

Emily, it's a job that has to be done.
I don't enjoy doing it any more than you do.

Well, you must. Otherwise, you wouldn't
make such a big production out of it.

I'm just trying to do it efficiently,
trying to save a lot of wasted effort.

- I can't work.
- What's wrong?

I don't have
my rubber thumb.

I can't sort
without my rubber thumb.

Of course you need
your rubber thumb.

I mean, Emily,
you don't seem to understand.

There's a right way
to pay bills, and there's a wrong way.

And then there's
a crazy way.

Yes, but I'm a psychologist,
and I should be able to deal with that.

My thumb, please.

You know, Bob, I bet I could get all the bills
paid in the time it just takes you to get ready.

Emily, it's taken me six years
to perfect this system.

Yes, but two of them were spent
inching your chair back and forth.

If you have a better way,
I'd certainly love to hear it.

How's this? Sit down, write out
the checks and be done with it.

- Hmm. Sure, take the easy way.
- Oh, Bob.

What is wrong
with the easy way?

- It won't work.
- Yes, it will.

- All right. Okay. You do it.
- Fine.

No, wait!

It's not fair. I'd be giving you
anotherjob.

You could take
one of myjobs.

You could make the bed, or you could
do the dishes oryou could dust or vacuum.

I wouldn't want to take away
one of the glamourjobs, Emily.

Well, how about,
uh, grocery shopping?

- Grocery shopping.
- You know, like in shopping for groceries.

I'm sure I could handle that.
You sure you could handle this?

Oh, ho. I have been
sure for six years.

- [Chuckles]
- Okay.

-[Clears Throat]
- Now, let me show you howl have this laid out.

- This is very important, so pay attention.
- Uh, could I-

Could I just get
my chair in place?

Pay attention.

These are
communications bills-

- telephone, newspaper, magazines.
- Mm-hmm.

This is bodily maintenance-
doctors, dentists, et cetera, et cetera.

These are domicile debts-
rent, groceries, so on.

That's my system.
15th of every month. Any questions?

Nope.

I have my own system.
I pay the bills on the 16th.

On the 15th,
I go dancing.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

- ♪♪ [ 5mm]
- Thank you.

That was, uh, “In The Mood.“

- Well, I'm not.
- No, I didn't mean that.

That was one of the songs
that Emily and I danced to last night.

Great band. Uh, Ray McKinley's Glenn Miller
Orchestra under the direction of Peanuts Hucko.

JNWhistles]

- “String of Pearls.“
- Great.

Wanna hear “TuxedojunctionW

- No.
-just checking.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Hi, Carol.
ls the coffee ready?

“Hi, Carol.
ls the coffee ready?“

Every day you ask
the same question.

- And every day it's never ready.
- Then why ask?

Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side
of the bed this morning.

Not me.
I only have one side.

The other side's up against the wall...
like my life.

All I wanted
was a cup of coffee.

It's the same thing
every dayJerry.

I get off the elevator.
I sit down behind my desk.

You come in and ask me if the coffees ready.
Nothing ever changes.

I got an idea for you, Carol. Tomorrow,
instead of sitting behind your desk...

why don't you head right
for the coffee machine?

Shake things up a little.

Thank you for being
so understanding.

Hey, that's okay, chum.
[Chuckles]

Listen, if I have any calls,
switch 'em on downstairs.

I'll be
in the coffee shop...

having my coffee.

- Coffee ready, Carol?
- No, it's not ready!

Wanna hear “Moonlight Serenade“?

I'm sorry
I yelled at you, Bob.

That's all right, Carol. Some people
get up on the wrong side of the bed.

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

- I'm so bored. -Well, uh, put a
little fun in your life. Try dancing.

No, I'm serious.
Every day it's the same routine.

I get up, I have breakfast,
then I go down four flights of stairs.

Then I drive through
the rush hour to the office.

And no matter what time of the year it is-
even in the middle of a blizzard-

the parking lot attendant
says the same thing to me.

“Hot enough for you?“

Then I get on the elevator, and I go up
the seven flights, and, well, you know the rest.

Well, Carol, you just have to
look for different ways to-

to make your life exciting,
you know?

You can't be
afraid of change.

I think the Kleenex box was
a little closer to the plant.

Oh.
Thank you.

As a matter of fact, uh...

Emily and I are going through a-
a drastic change in our lives right now.

Uh, she's going to be paying the bills,
and I'm gonna be doing the grocery shopping.

Talk about throwing
caution to the wind.

Well, you know,just-
just an example.

I mean, there are
a lot of things you could do.

You could, uh,
go back to school.

Oh, gee, Bob.
I- [ Quoting Lyric]

Then- [ Quoting Lyric]
[ Laughs]

- What?
- [Quoting Lyric]

That was a song that
the band played last night.

-;;[Whistles]
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, Bob, hey, I know what you're
trying to do, and I appreciate it.

And I feel a little better,
and I'll go make some coffee now.

Uh,you wanna hear, uh,
“Pennsylvania 6-5000“?

- Cream and sugar, Bob?
- Fine.

♪♪ [ Singing 1

Well, I'm ready to go shopping.
Where's the list?

Oh, it's in here somewhere.

No, see, Emily, you're mixing up
bodily maintenance with domicile debts.

Bob, Bob, this is my turf.
Now, please, don't mess it up.

Here.
Here's the list.

Bob, what's 37 and 15?

- Fifty-two.
- Close enough.

- What's a “carton ofepps“?
- Eggs.

Looks like “epps?

Your handwriting's terrible.

What's “chicky peeler buller“?

Chunky peanut butter.

I just opened a fresh jar
of “peeler buller” last night.

Yeah, well,
it wasn't “chicky?

Emily, why are you stuffing all those
papers in the wastepaper basket?

I'm gonna need those
at income tax time.

No, you don't, Bob.
We'll have the canceled checks.

Yeah, but what- You know,
what if we wanna cross reference?

- Uh, Bob, we won't.
- Well, we might.

Bob, would you please
go to the store?

This, uh, looks like “fennel?
You mean “funnel“?

- No, I mean fennel.
- What's fennel?

- It's a spice.
- I never heard of it.

Neither did I, but it goes in the spice rack
in that empty bottle between dill and garlic.

- What do you use it for? - Nothing.just
that the empty bottle is driving me crazy.

Hi, Bob.
Hi, Emily.

- Uh, can I use your funnel?
-Y-you mean fennel.

No, I mean funnel.
I'm baking some funnel cakes.

Flannel cakes.

Oh, well, then can
I borrow your flannel? I'll bake myself a suit.

[Laughs]
Flannel suit. You get that?

Bob, if you're going to the supermarket,
you better get moving.

We gotta go
to the Hultzes' later.

Oh, you're goin' shopping?
I love to go shopping.

- I know where everything is. I'd love to do that.
- Okay.

Okay, listen, I'll go with you, okay?
I'll push the cart.

Lust a minute. Emily might have some questions
on the- on the bills.

No, I'm finished already.

- What? Already, so fast?
- Yeah, well, there's nothing to it.

You just write out a check, stick it in
the envelope and slap on a stamp.

Bob, we're going to miss
the manager's special.

- Howard, I- I just wanna double-check
some totals. - Uh, Bob, look.

We have to be at the Hultzes'
in two hours, and I am not gonna cancel again.

Come on, Bob. We don't wanna be late
for the no-stick fry pan demonstration.

All right.
I'll just find my hat.

Uh, Bob, you'll find it
in the incinerator.

- Not my hat.
- Along with your entire bill-paying ensemble.

- Oh, no.
- Come on, Bob.

I loved that hat.

Remember,
I get to push the cart.

Howard, I'll push the cart.
You can ride in the little seat.

Man On P.A. 1 Good evening, shoppers.
Here's another manager's special.

Lip-smacking, country-fresh,
day-old white bread with real crust.

Mmm-mmm, Only 79 cents
in our bakery boutique.

- Here, Bob.
- Howard, that's bacon. I asked for pork chops.

What's the difference?
It's all pig meat.

Howard, it isn't on the list.
Put it back.

Well, it goes
together with beans.

Howard, celery isn't
on the list either.

- I know. This is for me.
- I'm not paying for it.

Neither am I.

Have this finished by the time
we get through the checker counter.

- Howard, that's stealing.
- Stealing is when you walk out with it.

When you eat it here,
it's called snacking.

Howard, can you
make this out?

- It says “epps?
- No, under “epps?

Oh, that's
“Crinklej iggles.“

- What do you suppose that means?
- Crinklejiggles.

It's a new cereal.
It has twice the vitamins an adult requires.

Well, then we should
only get halfa box.

Yeah, good idea.
What else you got on that list?

“Canned tarantulas.“

- I think that's “canned tomatoes.“
- I hope so.

Ah, let me see.
Here we are. Oh. Uh-oh.

Let me see. We have the whole,
the peeled...

uh, stewed,
Italian, tomato paste...

- tomato puree, tomato sauce- - Howard, doesn't
it just say “canned tomatoes“ anywhere?

- Nope.
- What kind would you get?

I wouldn't get any kind.

Tomatoes give me hives.

I wouldn't get cucumbers either.
They make my ears itch.

I think we should
get stewed.

Yeah, maybe, uh-
maybe later...

but right now I think we
should finish our shopping.

- Stewed tomatoes, Howard.
- Oh, all right.

Man On P.A. 1 Attention, shoppers.
Another manager's special.

In our meat department, meat.
Thank you.

Sounds good.
Let's get some, okay?

- Howard,just get the stewed tomatoes, will you?
- Okay, okay.

- Uh, wow. Wait, what size do you want?
- Whatevefs the cheapest.

Oh, that's not gonna be easy.
Oh, my goodness.

They have the six-ounce
for 39 cents...

the eight-ounce for 44 cents,
the 12-ounce for 73 cents.

Wait a minute. Six for 39.
Per ounce, that would be-

Carry the one.
What would that make it?

Uh, 2O after 8:00.

Great, Howard.
Now I gotta start all over again.

Twelve into 73,
carry the six.

Sorry. I just-
[Mumbles]

Howard, these are
the cheapest by the ounce.

How come suddenly
it's 1 O cents more?

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's supposed to be 20.

Why don't you
just make it 40?

Come back next week.

All right, Howard.
That's all for this aisle.

Ah-ah!
My turn to push the cart.

Man On P.A. 1 Your attention, shoppers.
Another manager's special.

A two-bedroom home in Evanston,
Fireplace, wall-to-wall carpeting.

Only fifty-nine five,
Limit, one per customer.

Fifty-nine five.
Sounds like a good deal. What do you think?

Howard, it won't
fit in the cart.

Uh, where's the, uh-
the grapefruitjuice?

- Ah, here we are. Right here.
- We need two cans.

Okay.
Did you say two cans?

No! No!

L'll- I'll get it.

What's going on here?

Uh, he did it.

I, uh, took this
off of him too.

- Well, the groceries are all put away.
- Wonderful.

It's only midnight.

You want to call
the Hultzes and cancel?

Yeah.
I'll wake 'em and cancel.

Well, I, uh-l would have
been home earlier...

but they, uh-
they made me pick up...

the, uh,
grapefruitjuice cans.

I had a hard time
finding the fennel.

Then we, uh- we missed the, uh-
the first no-stick fry pan demonstration.

Howard insisted we stay
for the second show.

Well, we still could have gone
to the Hultzes' for coffee...

if you hadn't insisted on
reorganizing the entire kitchen.

Well, it's important to know
where everything is, Emily.

I know where
everything is, Bob.

Well, now you know
where it is alphabetically.

Emily, how come my pajamas
are in the, uh, sock drawer?

Oh, I must have filed them
under “S“ for sandman. Forgive me, Bob.

Honest mistake.

Oh, by the way, I put the vegetables
in the crisper in descending order of spoilage.

I figured that'd be
a lot less waste, you know?

- Why didn't I ever think of that?
- Beats me.

Poor dumb old Emily. I just throw the carrots
in the vegetable drawer...

and let them
fall where they may.

Well, now that everything's organized,
it'll go much faster next time.

Bob, you know
that's not the point.

You are doing the same thing with the
grocery shopping that you did with the bills.

You are inflexible.

If I were inflexible, I wouldn't be upset about
your not putting the soap back in the soap dish.

Oh,just once I'd like to see you do
something without planning it.

The soap is stuck
in the sink, Emily.

Be impulsive, Bob.

Unstick it.

I don't know why
you say I'm inflexible.

I mean, I picked up one manager's special
wasn't even on your list.

Kohlrabi at 1 O cents
offa clump.

What am I gonna do
with a clump of kohlrabi?

I don't know.
Put fennel on it.

You're lucky I didn't pick up
the second manager's special.

We would have had
a two-bedroom house in Evanston.

Two bedrooms sounds
very good to me.

Tell me, I'm- I'm inflexible.
[Chuckles]

Is the, uh, electric blanket
set at three and a half?

You'll never change, Bob.

[ Bob]
Oh, what the heck. Set it at four.

- Good morning, Carol. ls the-
- No, it's not ready.

That's what I figured.

- What is this for?
- Oh, it's nothing. Cali it a token of friendship.

Call it being nice. Call it my way of saying
you're not doing your job.

I may not be doing
my job much longenjerry.

There are other careers,
you know.

“Famous Bartenders School.“
That's ridiculous.

Huh!
Scoff if you wilLjer.

It takes a special kind of talent
to be a bartender.

Right. That's probably why
there are so few bars here in America.

[Laughs] Please. There's more to it
than making drinks.

Sure. You have to
sober up drunks.

Of course that entails the brewing of coffee,
so you're back in the same old rut.

- Morning, Carol. - Morning, Bob. I
didn't know you were here already.

I came in a little early. I wanted to
rearrange my officejust shake up my life a bit.

Me too, Bob. What would you think
about me becoming a bartender?

I thinkyou'd be a good one.

- It's kind of a depressing line of work though.
- Why?

You gotta sit around all day and listen
to other people's problems.

- Like you do.
- Yeah.

Except, you know, I don't have to worry
about running out of pickled eggs.

- Hi. Hi, Carol.
- Hi, Mac. The usual?

- You sound like a bartender.
- Oh, perfect.

- Oh.
- What, uh- What are you doing here?

You were gonna rearrange your furniture.
I thought I could help.

It's done.
You wanna- wanna see it?

Oh.

Pretty wild, huh?

What's different?

Well, I-l rearranged
some things on the table.

Oh, far out.

Well, it's a-
it's a start.

And I-l switched
my diplomas around.

Yeah, I've been
giving it a lot of thought-

you know, what you said about,
uh, being inflexible-

and maybe I've been a little-
a little too inflexible.

Uh, Bob, I'd really like to talk
to you about that because, uh...

well, I'm not sure
I was right.

No, you were right, Emily.
Change is good. You know that?

Uh, what would you think if I, uh-
I grew a mustache?

[Chuckling]
Oh, Bob.

You'd look terrible
in a mustache.

Oh, then I'll...

shave it off.

- What?
- My mustache.

I just started it
this morning.

Ah.

Guess you-you don't like
the beard either, huh?

Honey, could I, uh-
could I talk to you?

- Yeah, sure.
- [Clears Throat]

Maybe you'll be
a little more comfortable...

if I put the Kleenex
a little closer to the plant.

- That helps. [Chuckles]
- What's on your mind?

Well,you know, this morning I was
making out the grocery list.

Uh, Emily, we need
a carton of“epps.“

Oh. Well, you know,
I couldn't help thinking...

that I kinda miss going
to that grocery store myself.

Uh, Emily.
the- the market is my turf.

Well, I know, Bob, but, see, it wouldn't
be your turf if I hadn't talked you into it.

Yeah, but I kind of enjoy it. I mean,
I'm looking formrard to going tonight.

It's double-stamp night.

Bob, I know
you'rejust being kind.

Because deep down inside,
you have to resent me...

because you did such
a fantasticjob on those bills.

And I know you loved it,
and I, uh-l forced you to give it up.

Yeah, and you-
you burned my hat.

I think the only decent thing to do
is to offer you your job back.

- W-wait-Wait a minute, Emily.
- No, no, Bob. What's fair is fair.

- Emily.
- Bob, who am I to waltz in after six years...

and tell you that your way
of doing the bills is wrong?

- Emily.
- Hmm?

How many checks bounced?

Twelve.

[Mouths Word]

Hello, th-this is
Dr. Robert Hartley.

Yeah, could you tell me the balance
in my checking account?

My mother's maiden name
was Smith.

No, I don't think
I'm related to you.

Uh, Mom never lived
in Santa Fe.

Well, l-l'm sure
it can be beautiful...

but she- she always
found it a little too dry.

Well, maybe she's just as glad
she's not related to you.

Are you gonna give me
my balance or not?

Fo-Forty-seven dollars?

Could, uh-
Could you tell me...

how I'd go about stopping
payment on about... 16 checks?

Fine, I'll be- I'll be down later
to straighten it all out.

- Good-bye.
- Hey, Bob, you know what's in this cup?

- Coffee.
- No, it's a martini.

Carol made it. She's dynamite.
You want a sip?

No.just finished
one of her Singapore Slings.

Listen, let's get away early.
We can get in another game of handball.

Jerry, I'm sorry.
I gotta pay the bills tonight.

I thought Emily paid the bills,
and you did the shopping.

Well, I-
I had no choiceJerry. She, uh-

She fell apart, you know,
right after all the checks bounced.

It's pathetic.

I do it all now.

Vacuuming, laundry,
shopping, bills.

Shejust sits
in that rocking chair...

looking at
the bank statement...

mumbling,
“Get fennel. Get fennel.“

They're coming
to get her tomorrow.

Then we can play
handball tomorrow night.

Don't see why not.

Terrific.

[ Mews]