All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e13 - I Owe It All To You... But Not That Much

Of course I'm not angry, Alan.

I'm putting you on hold now,
and I'm never coming back.

[Typing]

- Hi, Carol.
- Good morning, Carol.

- Any calls, any messages, and how about
having lunch with me? - No, no and yes.

Too bad, maybe some other--
Did you say, “No, no and yes“? That's amazing.

Sometimes the beginning and middle change,
but that “yes“ has always been a “no.“

- What happened?
- I'm free.

- [Giggles] Fantastic. Uh, 12:30 okay?
- Yes.

Two yeses. I'm hot.

- [Bob] ls Mrs. Finley late again?
- Yes.

She's always late.
I wish she'd have the courtesy at least to call.

- [ Phone Rings]
- Doctor's office. Bob, Mrs. Finley.

Why is she calling
if she's so late?

Hello, Mrs. Finley. Yeah, I know you're late.
How late are you gonna be?

A week from Friday?
Well, Mrs. Finley, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to bill you for the cancellation
unless you have a pretty darn good excuse.

That's a pretty
darn good excuse.

What was it, a boy or girl?
Oh, he sounds real cute.

- Right. Good-bye, Mrs. Finley.
- What are you gonna do for the next 45 minutes?

Nothing. I hate cancellations.
What's that flashing light?

- My life.
- Well, don't you thinkyou'd better answer it?

Oh, you're right, Bob.
I should.

Alan?

You held.

Oh, Alan, me too.

These have been the longest
four minutes of my life.

Lunch? Vim--

Well-- You do?
Oh, I do too, Alan.

Okay. Okay,
I'll see you then.

Good-bye, Alan.

Hey, Carol, why don't we make it 12:00 instead
ofl 2:30? Get a littlejump on the lunch crowd.

- Jerry, I'm sorry, I just can't.
- Okay, we'll leave it at 12:30 then.

- No, no. When you first asked me,
I'd just broken up with Alan. - Oh.

- And now we're back together again.
- Great.

- Jerry, I can't go to lunch with you at all.
- Terrific.

Oh, well, I didn't thinkyou'd be
that broken up about it.

- [Knocking]
- What's upJeFFy?

Bob, something happened out there that really
bothers me. Carol canceled our lunch date.

Well, of course it bothers you.
Rejection bothers everybody.

No, no. What bothers me is
that it doesn't bother me.

- Now, you'd think I'd be bothered,
wouldn't you, Bob? - Well--

- Hey, what am I doing? You don't have
time for this. - Yes, I have time.

Oh, good.

Bob, lately I've had this feeling
that I'm not happy with my life.

Well, why do you think
you're-- you're unhappy?

Oh, no, no.
Not unhappy,just not happy.

Well, what do you think's
causing this... not-happiness?

Well, I think it's because
I've been dating...

so many different girls for so long
that it's getting boring.

Like on a typical date, I'll pick her up,
we go to dinner, we go to a movie...

then we end up at my apartment,
or we end up at her apartment.

It gets boring, Bob.

Take her to a baseball game--
you know, someplace more exciting.

- That's not the boring part, Bob.
- Oh.

You're always telling me
how-- how great marriage is.

I guess it got me thinking
about settling down.

On the other hand, I don't want
to give up the boring part.

- Bob, I want to pay you.
- For what?

Well, for your services.
I mean, I want to come to you professionally.

Jerry, we're friends.
You can talk to me for nothing.

Well, I know. We've been doing that.
I don't think I'm getting my money's worth.

Jerry, you know, we never discussed rates,
but, I mean, I don't come cheap, you know.

Of course not. I wouldn't respect you
if you weren't expensive like me.

Well, I'm cheaper than you.

That's good,
'cause I couldn't afford me.

Well, we'll work something out.

Great. It would really make me
feel good to pay you.

Gee, I'm getting excited to start.
When's our first session?

- Well, we're having it.
- Fantastic. I'm beginning to feel better already.

Hey, uh, Bob, uh, would you mind?
I'd kind of like to have the full treatment.

You know, the couch.

- You're the patient.
- And you're the doctor.

This is gonna be fun.
I've never been to a shrink before.

Jerry, as long as we're being honest with
each other, uh, we don't care for that word.

Well, don't you thinkyou're being
a little oversensitive?

- No, I don't.
- Hey, Bob!

A lot of mothers bring their kids into my office
and tell them that I'm the tooth fairy.

You know, it's laughable.
It doesn't bother me.

I wonder why you're bothered
about the word “shrink,“ Bob?

Maybe it's some kind
of career insecurity.

Well, uh--

Wait-- Wait a minute. You-- You're doing me.
I'm supposed to be doing you.

- Oh, yeah.
- All right,just--just stretch out and relax.

- All right, you comfortable?
- Yeah.

All right, now, what's--
what's going on in your awareness right now?

- Right this minute?
- Yeah.

I'm aware...

that your ceiling is peeling.

Bob, you'd better check the fire.
Howard'll be here any minute.

Yeah, I'll check it as soon as
I figure out this bill forjerry.

Lerryflerry Robinson?

Yeah, he's been seeing me professionally
for about a month.

Uh, Bob?

- Emily, don't ask.
- Well, why not?

- You discuss your other patients with me.
- Not by name.

Well, couldn't you just tell me about it
and not mentionjerrys name?

Emily, please. I'm having trouble enough
trying to come up with a fair figure.

Why are you charging him at all?

He insisted on it.
He said it makes him feel good.

Oh, well, then why don't you
just charge him your usual rate?

I don't think he wants
to feel that good.

Bob, how many times hasjerry
cleaned your teeth for nothing?

I can't charge him.
He's a friend.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

- Hi, Bob.
- Howard.

Hey, that smells great.
What are you barbecuing?

Coals.

- I haven't put the steaks on yet.
- Steak? Great.

- I broughtjust the perfect wine.
- Saki?

Yeah, injapan they
drinkitwith everything.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, hi, Emily. I'd like to thank you
for having me over tonight.

- Is this nifty?
- Oh, saki.

- Yeah, injapan they drink it with everything.
- Oh, thank you.

- How do you like your steak, Howard?
- Oh, you mean I get a choice?

On the airplane, no matter how you ask for it,
it comes out one way-- medium.

- So, how do you want it?
- Uh, medium.

- 0h, no.
- What's the matter, honey?

- I ran out of lettuce.
- Do we need a salad?

Well, when you'rejust having steak and salad,
Bob, you really do need the salad.

- Howard, do you have any lettuce?
- Lettuce, lettuce. Let me see.

The last time I looked in my refrigerator
there was a jar of olives and a-- That's it.

I'll go borrow some lettuce from Margaret.
And don't forget, Bob, I like my steak rare.

- Rare.
- Yeah, that's a real-- real nice fire, Bob.

That's a-- a real nice fire. You know what'd
make that even better? Uh, more draft.

Howard, it doesn't need more draft.
It's a fine fire the way it is.

Yeah. It's a fine fire.
It's a real fine fire, Bob.

Uh, you know, it'd make that even better
if you put the top down.

The smoke could churn around. It gives
the meat a smokier taste. Put it down like this.

How's that?

Howard, it has
a smoky enough taste as it is.

You're letting all
the flavor get away.

Howard, why don't you go in the kitchen
and heat up some saki or something?

Oh, I-- I get it. A lot of you guys
are real touchy about your fires.

Kind of a caveman thing, huh?

[Phone Ringing]

[Coughs]
Hello?

Oh, hLJerry.
Listen, can I call you back?

Well, where are you?

The men' s mam?

The mama men' s mam.

So what's goin' on?

You met this girl,
and you really like her...

and she likes you...

and you both like
The Godfiather.

Well, how're you
dealing with it?

Yeah, well, this morning
in my office...

you said that you were gonna try to have
a relationship without the boring part.

Well, don't you think it's a little early
to make an exception?

Well, I know you want my advice,
but if I give you my advice...

then you wouldn't be confronting
your own problem, working it out for yourself.

I mean, thafsjust
the easy way out.

Fire!

Call me back later.

- Where?
- Out there!

- Oh, Bob!
- We know, we know!

All right, stand back, everybody!
I'll throw saki on it!

No, that won't do.
It's hot.

I thinkyou wanted yours rare.

Bob, how?

I was on a business phone call with
my very good friendJerry Robinson.

Well, Margaret doesn't have any lettuce,
and now we don't have any steaks.

- What are we gonna do for dinner? - Sometimes
thejapanese people drink saki by itself.

You get your coat.
We're going out to dinner.

I have something very important
I have to take care of.

Bob, what are you doing?

I'm gonna make my friend
Jerry Robinson feel very good.

Bob, I thinkl know
what's wrong with your fire--

too much flame.

- Gotta go, Mom. Bye.
- Anything nice for me?

Well, Bob left me this
to give to you.

Must be my first bill.
Fantastic. Is he in?

- Uh-huh.
- Fantastic.

- [Bob] Come in.
- Bob, I gotta thank you.

- For what?
- Your advice on the phone last night.

I don't think I gave you any advice
on the phone last night.

- I know, and that was the best advice
you could have given me. - It was?

Yeah, better than best. Bob, I'm finally
developing a total relationship with a girl...

- and I feel fantastic.
- That's great.

Yeah. Listen, I'm throwing a party Friday,
and I want you and Emily to come and meet her.

Well, Friday'd be fine.
Can we bring anything?

Bring anything?
[Chuckles] Absolutely not.

I'm just so grateful that
you're setting me straight, Bob.

I mean, these sessions are really doing
wonders for me, and I owe it all to you.

But not that much!

- It's-- It's too highJerry.
- Oh, no, no.

- Yes, it is.
- No.

- Hand it over.
- No, it's mine. I'm gonna pay it just forget about it.

- Right. We'll forget about it altogether.
- No, I always pay my bills...

no matter how big they are.

WelLJerry, that's for a whole month.
You know, that didn't include...

- the phone calls, the cancellations, the steaks.
- Steaks?

Well, actually,
that was my fault, I guess.

You just pay me
whatever you wanLjer.

I just hope the bill doesn't cause
anything between us, you know?

Hey, Bob, don't be silly.
You're doing me a lot of good.

You're still my doctor.
You're still coming to my party Friday night.

I mean, I didn't cross you off the guest list.
[Chuckles]

- Good.
- Oh, listen, if you'd still like to bring...

a little something
to the party--

Sure, anything.
What should I bring?

The liquor.

Here we go.
This should get rid of that cold.

Well, it's not exactly a cold. I just feel like
there's a war going on inside of my body.

Well, those are
the reinforcements.

That's 600 units of vitamin C.

Extra-strength cold pill that will explode
in your stomach in tiny, little time capsules.

And a shot of bourbon.
That should knock it out.

Well, if it doesn't, you can enter me
in the Indianapolis 500.

- [Taps Tray]
- There now. That wasn't bad, was it?

[Groans]

Well, I guess it's worth it ifl'm all right
forjerry's party tomorrow.

Jerry's partyjust what I need when
I come home from work- to go to work.

- What do you mean? it's a party.
- For you, it's a party.

For the other guests, it's a party.
For me, it's a house call.

He's driving me up a wall,
you know that?

Sessions twice a week, we talk on the phone,
he drops in the office.

Today he stopped the elevator between floors
and told me the story of his puberty.

- How was it?
- Endless. His voice hasn't even changed yet.

And that's why
you're annoyed, huh?

- No, I'm annoyed because I--I miss him.
- What?

Well, before he started coming to me,
you know, we-- we'd talk about life.

Now we talk about his life.

I'd like to talk about my life--
you know, our problems.

What kind of problems
do we have?

Well, one big problem we have is
we're wasting a lot of time...

talking about
Jerry Robinson's puberty.

And that cold medicine
is gonna take effe--

[Yawns]
Oh, excuse me.

Too late.

- Night, honey.
- Oh, good night, Bob.

- Honey, I'm home.
-[Emi/y]0/1, hi.

Jerry wants us there by 8:00.
You gonna be ready?

Bob, I have a cold.
[Sneezing]

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Honey, you're gonna get back in bed,
and I'm gonna canceljerrys party.

Oh, no, don't do that.
I'll be fine.

Honey, you won't be fine
if you don't take care of your cold.

- Oh, butjerry will be so disappointed.
- Honey, he'll understand.

No, he won't.

The whole purpose of the party
is for me to meet his girlfriend.

- Well, I'll go change. - You aren't gonna
do anything. You're gonna get back in bed.

I'm gonna give you some pills,
some fruitjuice and a shot of bourbon.

Just like last night, huh?
Great remedy.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

- Hey, Bob.
- Hz; Howard.

Great news-- They put me on
the Chicago to Pittsburgh flight tonight.

Why is that great news?
I thought you hated Pittsburgh.

The great news is
I don't have to go.

The airport is completely socked in with fog.
Oh, It's pea soup out there.

Well, as long as you've got some time to kill,
why don't you come to a party with me?

- Me, a party?
- Yeah. Emily has a cold and you can be my date.

I don't know.
Are there going to be any other girls there?

Well,jerry's a bachelor.
I'm sure there'll be a lot of single girls there--

you know, dental assistants,
oral hygienists.

Hey, that sounds wild.
I'll go and change.

I've heard some wild stories
about those dental flossies. Whoa!

Where do you thinkyou're going?

Bob, I just want to tell you one thing.
I know you're going to this party on business...

but I heard what Howard said
about those dental floozies.

If you come home with your teeth any cleaner
than they are now, don't come home.

Honey, the women
arejust for Howard.

I'm gonna make an appearance,
I'm gonna meet his girlfriend...

I'm gonna talk tojerry,
probably have a lousy time.

- I'll be home early. - Oh, you really
mean that, honey? Then have a good time.

- Ahh. Well, I've changed.
- Changed?

Yeah, my wings.
These are my party wings.

See how they catch the light there?
Oh, look at that fog.

It's getting thicker and thicker.
It's gonna be a great party.

[Doorbell Rings

- Hey, Bob.
-jerry Robinson, you remember Howard Borden.

- Hi.
-l,uh--

Yeah,you met him at
the reception room in my office.

Oh, sure. It's the uniform that threw me.
You weren't wearing the uniform.

- Yes I was.
- Oh. It must be something else that threw me.

Yeah, I wasn't wearing
my party wings.

Where's this terrific girl
you've been telling me about?

- She stood me up, Bob.
- What do you mean?

She called with the phoniest excuse
in the world-- She's got a real bad cold.

I mean, who could believe that?
Bob, where's Emily?

- She has a real bad cold.
- Oh.

- Gee, that's too bad.
- I mean, honest, she really has.

No, I believe you. [Chuckles] Hey!
Maybe that means that Debbie really is sick.

- Fantastic! Ha!
- I, uh, guess we're a little early, huh?

- As a matter of fact, you're a little late.
- You mean they've all left?

They? This was just a little get-together
so Bob could meet Debbie.

- There are no other guests.
- You mean, this is just a little get-together...

so Bob could meet Debbie
and there are no other guests?

Something like that.

- What about all the dental assistants?
- What dental assistants?

- Oh, I told Howard there might be some dental
assistants here. - No. No dental assistants.

Ah, I get it. [ Laughs]
You guys are putting me on, right?

Howard, I'm afraid
this is the party.

Three guys?

-[Snaps Fingers]
- A drink. That'll make us all feel better.

- Bourbon and water.
- Right. What's yours, Howard?

I'll have a double-- Uh, oh, I forgot.
I'm on standby. I can't drink.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, if the fog lifts, Howard has to fly Pittsburgh.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Well, have some dip there, Howard.
- What kind is it?

- It's clam.
- Not when I'm on standby.

Well, can I get you
anything at all, Howard?

No. No, I'll just stand here
and watch the party.

Oh, gee, it's--
Goes fast, huh?

I sure wish
the fog would lift.

Hey, Howard, how about
another diet cola there?

If you don't mind, I'd rather not.
I... think I lost three pounds already.

- [ Laughs] That's very funny.
- Yeah.

Oh, it's really great how you don't need
a lot of people at a party to have a good time.

Hey, took, I think it's lifting.
You can see the moon!

Hey, Howard thinks
he can see the moon.

Look.

Howard, that's a streetlamp
in front of the house.

Well, it's getting better.
I couldn't see that a minute ago.

Hey, Howard, you're a navigator.
Mind if I askyou a personal question?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Is it true what they say about stewardesses?

- I don't know. I don't date stewardesses.
- Why not? Company policy?

No, their policy. They like to go out
with guys with their feet on the ground...

like lawyers,
businessmen, pilots.

- Oh, I hate pilots.
- I always wanted to be a pilot.

Yeah, me too.

Let me freshen that up for you, Howard.
Bob, let me get you some, huh?

- No, no, I'm startin' to feel it.
- You've only had one.

I know, but I've had
five “freshening ups.“

- [ Phone Ringing]
- Uh, somebody get that, please?

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Hello. Uh, no,
this isn't the airport.

Oh. Oh, you're the airport.

Howard Borden?
Oh,yeah,yeah, this is Howard.

Yeah?
I've gotta go to Pittsburgh?

Terrific. Yeah, great.
Thank you!

Oh, uh, bad news. The fog has lifted.
I've gotta go to Pittsburgh.

Hey, Howard, you can't leave.
I haven't even cracked the pizza puffs yet.

Ah, you know how it is-- orders.

U h, great party, j erry.
Different.

Hey, Bob, the funniest thing
just happened.

When Howard was leaving, I flashed on
when my brother left for military school.

- What do you think that means, Bob?
- [Clears Throat]

Jerry, I'd-- You know,
I'd rather not talk shop tonight, you know?

I don't understand.

Well, I thought that we'd just sit around
and talk and just enjoy the party.

That's what we're doing. [Chuckles]
just sitting around, talking.

No, we-- we haven't talked since
you've been seeing me professionally.

Jerry, I miss you.

I mean, when was the last time
we talked about the Bears?

Bears? Nobody talks about the Bears.
They're hopeless. They can't win a game.

- Yeah, but if they'd put Concannon in--
- Concannon?

Huh! What good is Concannon
if he's got nobody to throw to?

- Did you see the one Miller dropped in
the game Sunday? - In the fourth quarter.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, but it was a wobbly.

I mean, it was way over his head,
and no one could have caught that one.

I know a guy who could have caught that ball--
a guy who could have caught anything.

And boy, could he pass--
straight as a bullet, no wobblies.

It's a guy that Concannon
should be passing to.

Yeah, my brother.

Bob, think that my brother
really was that good...

or I'm just building him up
because he's so much better than me?

Jerry, can I askyou something?
And I won't be offended if you aren't.

Yeah, Bob. Sure, go ahead.

- We me
- We gm?

Fire me as your psychologist.

Why would I want to do that?
Well, you're doing a great job.

Just look at me.
Besides, who would I talk to?

You'd talk to me,
except I'd be able to talk back.

- You know, we could... talk.
- You mean like we used to.

Yeah, and if you brought up a subject
I didn't want to talk about...

I'd say,
“I don't want to talk about it.“

- [ Laughs] It was more fun, wasn't it?
- Well, it sure was for me.

- Well, Bob, you're the doctor. You're
not the doctor anymore. - [Stamps Foot]

- Now you can freshen my drink.
- You got it.

So, uh, Bob, about my brother. What do
you think? Is that just sibling rivalry or what?

Jerry, I don't want
to talk about it.

Emily?

I'm sorry about your cold, Emily.

Jerry's asking about your cold.

Oh, why is he here?

Well, we just, uh--

We wanted you to know we had a great time
at the party, and we were thinking about you.

Oh. Why didjerry have
to come here to tell me that?

[No Audible Dialogue]

- [Chuckles]
- Well, apparently, uh--

apparently, we had more to drink
than we thought, because, uh...

neither one of us
knows whyjerrys here.

[ Mews]