All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e12 - Bob and Emily and Howard and Carol and Jerry

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Ah. Hi, honey.
How was thejogging?

Fine. Fine.

Boy, it's a long block.

That's all you ran?
just one block?

Well, actually, I didn't run
the whole block, but--

[Clears Throat] I made up for it.
I did some deep knee bends in the elevator.

- Uh-huh.
- [Knocking]

Oh, I'll get that. You must be worn out
from running almost a whole block.

- Oh. Hi, Howard. Come on in.
- Oh, hi, Emily.

- Ah, what's up?
- Oh, Emily, I hate to askyou this, but, uh...

can you drive me someplace
this afternoon?

- Oh, sure. No trouble.
- Thank you. Uh...

I'm in no condition
to drive anyplace today.

What-- What's the matter,
Howard?

- Well, I'm having an operation.
- An operation? On what?

I can't say.

- Oh, uh, Emily, you want to leave the room?
- Oh.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not anything like that.
I'm, uh, having a tooth removed.

What is it?
A wisdom tooth, Howard?

It's a baby tooth.
Never fell out.

Thought of a string
and a doorknob, Howard?

It's not funny, Bob.
I'm-- I'm scared to death of dentists.

I just can't go there
by myself. I knowl can't.

Howard, now, I'll take you there,
I'll wait for you...

you'll have your little tooth removed,
and I'll take you home.

Thank you, Emily.
Bob, there's just one favor I'd like to ask of you.

- Sure. What is it, Howard? - Uh, convince
me that I shouldn't pick up that phone...

and call my dentist
and cancel my appointment.

You shouldn't do that,
Howard.

No, that's not good enough.

That's good enough.

- Hi, Carol.
- Emily, hi.

- Is Bob busy? - He's got somebody now,
but he should be through in a minute.

Oh, good. I'll make
myself some coffee.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just took Howard to the dentist.

Oh, is that your neighbor
Margaret's little boy?

No, that's my neighbor.
Howard Borden.

I thinkyou met him at our place once.
Do you remember?

- Howard. Howard Borden.
- [Cofiee Machine Buzzing]

He has something to do with birds,
doesn't he? Big birds?

Well,you're close.
He flies a big bird.

He's a navigator for
ajet airliner.

Oh, now I remember.

Uh, Emily, would I, uh,
like him?

- You know, I thinkyou would.
- More, more.

Well, he's, um-- He's gentle. He's kind.
He has a terrific personality.

Right. I know the type.
A real loser.

Wai-- Carol.

Howard Borden is anything
but a real loser.

- Well, he must be married then.
- No. He's divorced.

Does he have papers?

[Chuckling] I can't tell you how alive
you made me feel in there.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

Well, you, uh-- you did most of it,
Mrs. Walker.

Oh, but you made me-- you made me
feel things that I've never felt before.

[Clears Throat]
Thank you. Thank you.

You know something? I thinkyou're
the most beautiful person I've ever met.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- It was a... tough session.
- Yeah.

L, uh, could see that.
[Chuckles]

Oh, yeah, she's--
she's happily married.

Her-Her problem is
she's, uh, trying to give up smoking.

Oh.

Uh, what
brings you here?

Well, would you believe it?
Howard's dentist is right in this building.

Good. Come on in the office, and, Carol,
let me know when my next patient gets here.

Bob, if there are any cigarette butts
in that office, you're in a lot of trouble.

So, you got, uh-- you got Howard
to the dentist all right?

Oh,just barely.
When we passed the barbershop in the lobby...

he had an uncontrollable urge
to get a haircut.

I practically had to drag him
and the barber pole upstairs.

Well, the main thing is
you got him here. That's what counts.

Yeah, but, Bob, you should have seen him
just sitting there in that waiting room...

whistling the theme
from The High and the Mighty.

Bob, what do you think of
Carol and Howard?

Oh, they're nice.

Oh, no, no.
I meant together.

Emily, uh, what--
what did you have in mind?

Well, Carol thought she might like Howard.
Do you think they'd hit it off together?

Honey, sit down.

Psychologists spend years trying to repair
the damage you're thinking about doing.

I only know of one case
where a blind date has worked out.

Aw, you mean us, huh?

No, that would be two.

The case I'm referring to is contained
in that volume on abnormal psychology.

[Chuckles]
Okay, Bob. I get the message.

Oh. Sorry. Didn't know
you had a patient in here.

- Jerry!
- I was just kidding.

I knew that was Emily all along.
I was just joking.

- H I, j erry.
- He//0.

I've only got a minute.
I got a kid in the chairwith a thing in his mouth.

Do you, uh--
Do you have a good tax man, Bob?

- Yeah. I have his card right here in the desk.
- Good.

I'm making more money this year
than I made before in my whole life.

- Oh,jerry, that's terrific.
- Oh, no. That's not terrific.

Unless I get a great tax man...

I may end up making less money this year
than I ever made in my whole life.

Uh, here it is,jerry.
His name is Michael Gordon.

Uh, that's his office number.

Jerry, what do you
think of blind dates?

Thanks, Emily. Maybe later. Right now
I got a kid in my chairwith a thing in his mouth.

See, honey?
Nobody believes in blind dates.

I better go see if Howard's finished.
I'll see you at home, darling. Bye-bye.

Yes, Carol. I love flying.

The freedom, the serenity.

That's the way it is
up there in the big sky.

It's almost like a--
like a religious experience.

That's beautiful.

- Yes, it is.
- [ Rings]

- Doctor's office.
- Howard?

- Oh, hi, Emily.
- Hi, Howard. How are you?

Hi, Emily.

I feel so-- so light.

They must have given you
sodium pentothal.

- I don't know, but I wouldn't tell
me a secret right now. - [Chuckles]

Uh, they did take your little tooth out,
didn't they?

Of course.
It was a piece of cake.

Oh. Howard, I'm so glad it wasn't as bad
as you thought it would be.

Oh, it wasn't bad at all.
It was like a-- like a religious experience.

- I'm back.
- You know, I f-- feel so great.

I think I'll, uh--
I think I'll walk home.

Howard, that's almost
2O miles.

Well, then maybe I'll just
walk to the elevator.

Carol, it's been a wonderful
experience talking to you.

L, uh-- I won't forget it.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

Emily, I want him.

- Oh, hi. Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hi.

No. The time went fast.

- Excuse me. What'll you have, sir?
- That looks exotic. What's that?

A martini.

Well, that's the way
they serve it here.

Yeah. I'll have a--
a scotch and soda.

And hold-- hold the flowers.

- So, uh, Howard and Carol aren't here, huh?
- No. They're coming separately.

On one date there are gonna be
four separate cars.

Well, Bob, what could we do?
I mean, you were coming from the office...

I was at the Board
of Education all day...

Carol's taking a cab from home,
and Howard is coming from Guam.

And for this I gave up
Monday Night Football.

There was nothing I could do. I mean, once
Carol saw Howard, she thought he was terrific.

And, you know,
the strange thing is he was.

Maybe that baby tooth has been
holding him back all these years.

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. I'm, uh, sorry I'm late.
- Hi.

Hi, Howard. Don't worry about it.
Carol isn't here yet.

Carol?

- Your date.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, is that her?

Howard, don't you remember
what Carol looked like?

Well, uh, honestly, no.
Boy, that sodium pentothal is powerful stuff.

Well, the e-evening's off to a great start,
isn't it, Emily?

- Hi, everybody.
- [ Both] Hi.

Hello, Howard.

Excuse me.

Is that her?

- Yes.
- Carol. You look terrific.

- Uh, have a seat.
- Oh. Thanks, Howard.

You look great too.
I love your uniform.

Yeah. Well,
I had it tapered.

Oh.

Should-- Should be a couple more minutes.
Why don't you order a drink?

Yeah. Oh, they make a drink here.
it's so special. it's just terrific.

It's, uh-- It's, uh-- I just can't think of
the name of it.

HarveyWaHbanger.

Oh. Howard Borden.

L, uh--l come here
all the time, Harvey.

Uh, these are my friends.
This is Bob Hartley.

This is, uh, his wife, Emily.

- Uh, this is my date--
- Carol.

Carol.

No. You see, the drink we specialize in
is called a HarveyWaHbanger.

Oh, well, that's not it.

- Here are all the drinks we serve.
- Thank you.

The, uh, maTtre d' said it'd only be
a few minutes. It's taking so long.

Oh, it's only been
a few minutes, Bob.

Seems a lot longer.

Look, uh, I'll get us a table. You have to know
how to talk to these people. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[Sighs] Pardon me.
Uh, these are my friends over here...

and my name is
Howard Borden, and, uh...

we would, uh, kind of like a--
[Clears Throat]

Table, uh, right now.

Oh. You must want
the maTtre d'.

I'm waiting for my wife
to come out of the ladies' room.

- You mean you're not the, uh--
- No.

Gee, I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed. Uh--

Tell you what.
Uh, keep the five.

Emily, I don't want him.

Emily, I want to thank you
for probably the worst evening...

I have ever spent
in my entire life.

Bob, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I mean, it-- it wouldn't
have been so bad if--

- if Howard hadn't spilled ketchup all over Carol.
-// 00:12:30,444
L-- I can't figure out
what happened.

- Well, he was just hitting the bottle, and it--
- No.

No. I mean with Howard.
I've never seen him like that before.

Was he any different
than he always is?

Oh, Bob, sure.
Usually when he spills ketchup on people...

he doesn't follow it with
a bad Count Dracula impression.

Well, we know what the speciality
ofthatjapanese restaurant isn't.

[Knocking]

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard.
Listen, uh, we're--

we're really sorry
about tonight.

- Aren't you, Emily?
- I really am sorry, Howard. Really.

Really.

Really? Well, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time...

because I had the greatest time
in my whole life.

- You did? - Yeah. Carol's terrific.
She's not like the other girls I date.

I mean, they're beautiful.
I mean, just beautiful,you know?

Carol's bright and smart.
The other girls are a little light in the piazza.

We're, uh-- We're really glad
you had a good time tonight, Howard.

Really.

Too bad she had to
leave early.

Coming down with a cold like that
right in the middle of dinner.

That wasn't so bad.
Then she got a headache and a sore throat...

had cramps, and then her--
her whiplash started acting up on her again.

I've never seen anybody
get so sick so fast.

Yeah, well, there's
a lot of that going around.

Yeah. Poor kid.
I think I'm gonna give her a call.

No. That won't do any good.
She told me her phone was out of order.

Anyway, thanks for
a wonderful evening. Wow!

Bob.

Do you believe it?
Howard had a good time.

One out of four
isn't good enough.

[Phone Ringing]

[Clears Throat]
Uh, Carol, the phone is ringing.

I know that.

Aren't, uh--
Aren't you gonna answer it?

No.

It may be for me.

Trust me. It's not.
It's Howard.

- Howard? My Howard?
- [ Ringing Continues]

Certainly not my Howard.

He's been calling me every day
for the past week at exactly 11 :57.

See? He keeps calling,
and I keep refusing.

And, Bob, he's buying
the most incredible excuses.

I even told him
my whiplash was contagious.

[Ringing Continues

Hello? Uh, Howard--

Oh, hello, Mr. Peterson.

No, I'm not disappointed
it was you and not Howard.

Yes. I-- I really like you.

See? There- There you go with
that whole rejection thing.

Well, I can see how-- how letting a phone ring
for 27 times without answering it...

could be misconstrued
as rejection.

Uh, what did you
want to talk to me about?

You thinkyou're finally getting over
that whole rejection thing.

But now you're not so sure.

Yeah. Why don't you come in this afternoon?
We'll talk about it.

Right. Good-bye.

From now on, Bob,
first ring.

- [ Rings]
- Oh.

Hello?
Oh, hello, Howard.

My whiplash? Oh.
Worse. Oh, it's much worse.

- Hey, Bob. You got a minute?
- Yeah.

I just came from my first meeting with your
tax man, and, boy, is it gonna work out great.

About dinner at your place tonight,
Emily didn't tell me what I should wear.

- Uh, anything you want. - Oh, good. I got
this great new suedejacket I'm dying to wear.

- And I got this great new date I'm dying for
you to meet. - She sounds kind of special.

And how. She's a dentist.

Our tax man says
that our whole affair will be deductible.

- Oh. Thank you.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I'll get it.

- Hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Howard.

Oh, uh, Emily, I hope you won't be disappointed
if I can't stay for dinner tonight.

I've gotta fly. Sol thought
I'd just come over for drinks.

That's too bad, Howard.
What would you like to drink?

- Uh, nothing, thanks. I'm flying tonight.
- Oh.

Howard, what did you do
with your date?

Well, I don't have a date.
I asked Carol...

but she has a folk dance class,
and she said she'd be too sweaty.

Have a seat.
The other people should be here any minute.

Can I use your phone? I'd like to call the airport
and see ifmy flight's on schedule.

- Yeah. Uh, use the one in the den.
- Thanks, Bob.

- Bob, do you think maybe we ought to tell
Howard that Carol-- - Uh, Emily, stay out of it.

- You gave at the office.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I mean it's strictly
between them.

- He's gotta find out sooner or later.
- Well--

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
- H1; Bob. H1; Emily.

Probably sooner than later.

- Honey, you want to help Carol with
her-- with her coat? - Oh, yeah.

Carol, let me, uh--
You lookjust--

Jerry, uh, what happened
to your deductible date?

She canceled out at the last minute.
Flu. Sol called Carol, and she was free.

Yes, it's a rare, freaky occurrence
when I don't have a date on a Tuesday.

Isn't that lucky?

Well, everything is
A-okay.

Carol? Carol!

Howard. Oh.
It's Howard.

Well, Howard,
long time no see.

Yeah. I thought you were
going to be sweaty tonight.

Well, no.
Uh, no.

Uh-- Uh--

Well, now I don't have to be the oddball.
There's Bob and Emily. They're together.

I don't have a date,
and you can be my date.

Everything will work out fine.
There's only one thing I can't figure out.

What's he doing here?

I'm her date.

Oh. You're... her date.

All right, No one said a word
about my new suede jacket.

Oh, it's--
it's really niceJerry.

Okay, okay. That's enough. Now I better
hang it up before I spill something on it.

- I'll take it for you. - Oh, no. No. I
couldn't lay that responsibility on you.

Just get me a wooden hanger
and a plastic garment bag.

Tell you whaLjer. I'll show you where
the closet is, then you're on your own.

Oh, Emily. I've seen every part of this apartment,
but I've never seen your closet.

Well, it's just your- Oh.

Bob, I never felt so bad
in my whole life.

I need a drink.

Howard, aren't--
aren't you flying tonight?

I don't care.
I need a drink.

Well, Howard, I can't give you a drink
if you're flying tonight.

- I'll take yours.
- Howard...

that's diet cream soda.

I don't care.

Ah!

Oh, why did she do it to me?
I thought she was always busy.

No one's ever done this to me before--
never in my whole life. Never.

Howard, everybody has to face rejection
at one time or another.

I've never been
rejected before.

Maybe you were
and you didn't know it.

Uh-- Uh, h--

How's everything going
in here?

Could be better.

- You want to have something to eat?
- Sure. Thanks, Bob.

Um--

Howard.

- Uh, would you like a cheese puff?
- No, thanks.

- I'll take Howard's.
- Go ahead. Take everything I have.

- Uh, Howard, isn't there anything I
can get for you? - Yeah. An aspirin.

Oh, they're in the medicine cabinet
in the guest bathroom. I'll get 'em.

No, no, no. I'll, uh, get it myself.
You stay here and enjoy the party.

I mean,
nobody'll miss me anyway.

I'll, uh-- I'll just, uh,
be in the bathroom.

It was just a cheese puff.

[Knocking]

Howard.

Howard, could I speak
to you for a minute?

In here?

Yeah. Howard, I'd--
I'd like to explain, um...

why I've been
putting you off.

Oh, well, I suppose this is
as good a place as any for that.

Howard- Howard, when you
came into the office...

there was something special
about you.

I mean, I said--l said,
“Wow. That guy is something special.“

And then we went to the, uh,
Japanese restaurant, Howard, and, uh--

Well, I-- What happened?
I mean, you weren't the same.

- Maybe it was my uniform. I was wearing
my uniform that night. - [Knocking]

Uh, everything all right in here?

Yeah. We, uh--

We found out the problem
was my uniform.

No, Howard.
It's not your uniform.

Well, then I don't know
what the problem is.

Well, if you don't know,
Howard, then neither do I.

Look, uh, may-- maybe I can, uh,
be some help here.

I mean, a lot of couples
come into my office, and, uh...

very often their problem
is lack of communication.

You came on too strong.

Now, Howard, if you would
just relax and be yourself...

you'd make a much better impression
than when you try too hard.

Well,you'd make a better impression
if you came face-to-face with a person...

instead of ducking calls
and making up lies.

Then again, maybe lack of communication
isn't your problem.

- [ Knocks]
- Everything all right in here?

- No.
- No.

We're making progress.
That's the first thing they've agreed upon tonight.

What happened to that great guy
who came into my reception area...

and just swept me
off my feet?

That great guy--
That great guy was a fairy tale.

I mean, that guy was doped.
This is me.

Except for two aspirins and some
diet cream cola, I mean, I'm sober tonight.

I'm very sober. This is me.
If this me isn't good enough for you...

there is no other me
you can have.

Carol, do you have any feelings
about what Howard just said?

I think hejust swept me
off my feet again.

Howard, do you have any feelings
about what Carol just said?

Well, I don't know.
I've gotta go.

Go?

- No, no. I mean I'm flying out. I've gotta leave.
- Oh.

- Carol.
- Oh!

I've never done anything like this before
in my whole life. Never, never.

I don't know if it's you.
I don't know if it's me.

I don't know if it's
the atmosphere, but...

- come fly with me.
- What?

Yes. We can leave Chicago
in 2O minutes.

No, no, Howard. I can't just pick up and fly away.
No, Howard. I'd have to pack.

No. I can buy you everything you need
when you get there. Come fly with me.

- I'll show you places you never knew
existed before. - Oh. No, Howard. Howard.

- What about work tomorrow?
- No. Skip work. Bob won't mind.

What?

Oh, Emily. Emily.
what would you do?

- I don't thinkyou want to know what I'd do.
- Yes, I do.

Well, I'm afraid of flying.
I wouldn't go.

Don't listen to her.
Listen to me. Come on. Come on.

Oh. Mmm.

All right, Howard.
I'll go. I'll go.

Excuse me, but the party out there's
really nothing without you folks.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

- Excuse me. Oh, good-byejer.
- Where're you going?

- Where are we flying to?
- Canton, Ohio.

I'll drink to that.

You know, honey,
I was really impressed...

with the way you handled Howard and Carol
in the bathroom tonight.

That was, uh, sort of
an impromptu session, wasn't it?

Uh-huh. Is that what you do
at your office every day?

- More or less.
- Oh.

Bob, I gotta tell you
in all honesty.

You're overpaid.

[ Mews]