All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e09 - P.I.L.O.T.

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

[Man On Radio] Good morning.
It's 7:30, and a clear day here in Chicago.

This is Helicopter 2. Traffic continues
to be snarled along Michigan Avenue--

[off]

- Morning, honey.
- Mmm.

Emily, HONEY?

H I, sweetheart.

What-What's the matter?

I'm feeling kind of
headachy and queasy, you know?

That's great. Maybe
you've got morning sickness.

I think I'm coming down
with something.

That's what I mean. Maybe you're
coming down with a baby.

Maybe I'm coming down
with a cold.

I can never read these things.

Honey, you have a temperature.

- How much?
- 98.6.

- That's normal.
- Then you have a normal temperature.

[Chuckles]
I feel better already.

I'm start-- starting to feel
pretty good myself.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?
Hold onjust a minute.

- It's for you.
- Me? Hello?

Gorman School, Room 121.

Fine. Okay. Y-Yes. Bye.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- You're not gonna teach today.

I guess a lot of teachers
are calling in sick.

What would happen if you called in sick?
Would they send a substitute substitute teacher?

Well, Bob, until we have
a family of our own...

substitute teaching
is a good way for me to keep busy.

If you get any busier,
we won't have time for a family.

Bob? What time is
your first appointment?

Hour and a half.

How much time do you have?

Oh, the Gorman School
is 15 minutes away.

I'll have to eat breakfast, dress.
That leaves eight minutes.

- Why are we talking?
- [ Doorbell Rings ]

- Bob, the doorbell.
- I didn't hear it.

- [ Doorbell Ringing]
- I heard it.

All right.
I'll be right back.

- Morning, Bob.
- Morning, Arthur.

- Here's your paper.
- Thank you very much, Arthur.

[Knocking]

Uh, look, Bob, I really didn't come byjust
to give you your paper and say good morning.

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Arthur, I--

Oh, now, Bob, I know it's early,
but I have to apologize...

for some of those things I said to you
at the meeting here last night.

- Ah, don't--
- Now, look, Bob, actually, I like the way...

this condominium is being run.

- I thinkyou're doing a bang-upjob as chairman.
- Well, thank you, Arthur.

But you're not perfect.

Arthur, it's awfully early,
and it is getting late.

If we've got money
to spend on this building...

for Pete's sake, let's do something
more constructive with it.

- Fine, fine.
- Like chopping down that tree out there.

Arthur, what's wrong with the tree?
It's a nice tree.

Sure it's a nice tree.
Up here.

You get the leaves
and the birds.

On the first floor,
I get the leaves.

And the birds.

Arthur, let's discuss it
at the next meeting. Right now, I--

Okay, okay, Bobby, andjust to
show you there's no hard feelings...

I want to invite you and the missus
down for dinner tonight.

- Tonight--
- Bob, my brother and his wife will be there.

- Wejust can't-- - In fact, all the
people on the first floor will be there.

It's our first
first-floor party.

- Maybe some other time we--
- Bob, I'm gonna stand right here until you say yes.

- Yes.
- Good.

Oh, dress casually, Bob.
Oh, one more thing.

Don't eat any beefteriyaki for lunch, huh?
'Cause that's what we're having for dinner.

I'll try to stay away from that.

- Bob?
- I'm coming, honey.

- What do you want for breakfast?
- [Whimpers]

I know, sweetheart,
but I had to get ready for school.

Is there anything
you feel like for breakfast?

Beef teriya ki.

Yeah?Yeah?

Ah! Well, listen.
Sounds like you got a winner.

How tall is he?

Mm-hmm.And how tall
without his hat?

[Clears Throat]
Carol, do I have any messages?

Oh,yes. Listen, Alice,
I got to get back to work.

Oh, sure.
Let's go to a movie.

Well, you pick me up
here at 6:00.

All right, then.
I could stop by your place at 7:00.

Or we could meet
at the movie at 8:00.

- Carol--
- Yeah. Uh, I'll call you about 5:00.

Okay, you call me
at 3:00 or 4:00.

I'll be here except lunch.
That's 1:00 and 2:00. Bye.

“Yég?
_ M -

- Now, your all-night message service called.
- What'd they say?

“No messages.“

Why don't you just keep that,
so the next time I don't get any messages...

you won't have to
write it down.

Hey, Bob. Guess what?

I just got a cancellation.
Isn't that fantastic?

You know, you're the only one I know
who gets excited about a cancellation.

Why shouldn't I be? Now I have a whole hour
where I don't have to work on kids' teeth.

- I can do whatever I want.
- So what are you gonna do?

Need your teeth cleaned?

- I'm not in any mood to have my teeth cleaned.
- Hey, Bob.

- Besides not wanting your teeth cleaned,
what's bothering you? - Nothing.

Bob, I know when you're bothered.
Now, what's bothering you, Bob?

- Nothing's bothering me. Everything is
fine.just fine. - You really mean that?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- Besides, I don't want to talk about it.
- Aha!

Bob, we're friends.

You're holding something in.
I've got a free hour to waste.

Let's not waste it.

Jerry, it isn't that important.
I mean, I've got phone calls to make.

You've got phone calls to make.
I want to have a baby.

Sure you wouldn't rather
have your teeth cleaned?

That's why you're not
a psychologist.

Well, I don't know what to say
to such a heavy statement like that.

It's not that heavy. I mean, Emily and I
have been married for three years.

I'm a psychologist.
She's a teacher.

We'd be perfect parents.

Yeah.
Now ifyoujust had a kid.

We'd be more perfect.

- Why don't you do what my parents did?
- What? Have you?

No.

As a matter of fact, they didn't have me.
They adopted me.

- You're adoptedJerry?
- Yeah. Isn't that fantastic?

Well, how come you never
told me you were adopted?

Well, I don't know. It's kind of a hard thing
to work in to your average conversation.

- Adopted.
- Yeah.

You couldn't tell, could you?

No.

So listen. Why don't you
and Emily adopt one, like me?

Somehow we pictured
a younger babyJerry.

Get a younger me.
Look how good I turned out.

I turned out okay, didn't I, Bob?

Well, you turned out greatjerry.

Emily and I thought
we might try for one of our own.

- Oh.
- I mean, no offense.

Oh, I hear some of them
turn out pretty good too.

Did your parents tell you right away
or did they wait or what?

Oh, no, no.
They didn't tell me right out.

But I kind of suspected.
They were always saying subtle things like...

“We love you more
because we picked you.“

- Welcome, welcome.
- Hi! Oh, I love your apron.

Bob and Emily Hartley
from the fourth floor.

This is my brotherjack, his wife, Myrna.
They just moved in next door.

- Oh, you know Margaret, of course.
- Sure.

- That's Scottie and Eric.
- Hi, fellas. I love your pajamas.

[Both Giggling]

Okay. Kiss everybody good night
and let's go to bed now. Hurry up.

So, what are you drinking
these days, Bob?

- Uh, scotch and soda.
- Okay. Emily?

- I don't know. What do you have?
- I have everything.

- Well, then, I'd like a glass of wine.
- I don't have any.

Ooh! Now I do!

Oh. I hope you don't mind
domestic wine.

- [ Kisses]
- Oh, uh, good night.

- Can't we stay up forjust one more hour?
- Absolutely not.

- Oh, they never give up trying, do they?
- I guess not, no.

- We've got five, and they never give up trying.
- How many do you have?

- None.
- Yet.

What are you?
Newlyweds?

Well, kind of.
We've only been married three years.

Three years? We had our first kid
eight months after we were married.

Hey, come on.
Let's change the subject, okay?

Come on. Bob doesn't
want to hear about kids.

Oh, I don't mind.
I love to hear about kids.

Well, I mind. That's all I've heard about
since I got home.

- Well, I finally got the kids to bed.
- And I'm still hearing about it.

You know, some friends of ours
were in the same situation you're in.

Um, we're not in
any sort of situation.

Oh, come on, Myrna. We're embarrassing
them. Let's change the subject.

Ooh!
He kicked.

Yeah?
Well, let me feel.

Chuckling}
Hey. Hey, this kid can really kick.

Bob, you want to feel
Margaret's stomach?

No.

Come on, Bob.
Come on. It's all right.

Come on over and feel
Margaret's stomach. Come on!

Listen, Margaret, tell him it's all right
for him to feel your stomach.

It's all right to feel my stomach.
Everybody does.

Oh, that's-- That's fine.
That'sjust--

Oh, Bob, that was-- Come on.
Now, really sit down and feel him kick.

- Was-- Was that--
- [ Chuckling]

That's wild.

- Is that another?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, honey, this is wonderful.
- [ Doorbell Rings ]

- Hey, everybody!
- [Arthur] Hey Mikel

Does everybody know Mike Mitchell
from across the hall?

- Where's Nancy?
- Putting the kids to bed.

- Hi, Bob!
- Hey, Mike.

I didn't know the chairman of the building
association was gonna be here.

Is there any way we can get plastic trash cans
instead of those noisy metal ones?

Mike, I'm not here as chairman
of the building association.

I'm just here
to have a good time.

Uh, Bob. Uh, speaking of having
a good time, you about done there?

- Sit down, Mike.
- Thank you very much.

What do you want, Margaret--
a boy or a girl?

- Well, of course I want a girl--
- Oh, come on, now. Let's change the subject.

No more talk about kids.

Um, before you change
the subject...

there is just one more thing
I'd like to say about kids.

I think we're gonna have one.

Arthur}
Terrific! Great!

We are? When?

- Tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow morning?

As soon as the adoption agency opens.

Oh, that's great. Come on,
Let's have some domestic champagne.

[All Chattering]

* Emily?
_ Hmm?

- Why did you say that?
- What?

Oh. You mean what I said downstairs
about adopting the baby?

That's right.

Well, everybody was
talking about kids, and...

I saw the expression on your face when
you had your hand on Margaret's stomach...

and I just-- I felt so left out
I just had to say something.

Emily, there are a lot of good reasons
for adopting a child...

but having to say something at a party
is not one of them.

Well, why not? I mean,
you've been thinking about it, haven't you?

- Well-- - Well, come on, now.
You've been thinking about it.

- I've been thinking about it.
- Well, see?

I've been thinking that one day
you and I might sit down and discuss it.

You know,
just the two of us. Alone.

Not at a party.

Oh, Bob.

I have to apologize
for bringing it up at the party.

- That was kind of dumb of me, wasn't it?
- Emily?

- Hmm?
- You're right.

Well, I know.

I know.

But... we're alone now...

just the two of us.

And we could...
talk about it.

I mean, Bob, we know
we're gonna have a family eventually.

All I'm saying is, why wait?
We could have our first baby right away.

You know, honey...

I remember when I was a kid,
there used to be this hobby store.

They used to have these model planes,
you know, hanging from the ceiling...

and they were, like,
P-38s and Corsairs and Spitfires.

They were really neat.

But you could never get the finished planes
hanging from the ceiling.

You had to buy a kit...

and build it from scratch.

I guess I'm just accustomed
to thinking that way.

Bob, I don't see the comparison.
We're gonna love whatever baby we have.

Emily, you-- you really
want to adopt now...

rather than--

than... build it from the kit?

Why not? You just said
the finished ones are really neat.

They were.

Besides, I-- I just remembered something
about building them from the kit.

My-- My brother
always had to help me.

Dr. Hartley, I got to thank you
for pointing that out to me.

Well, that's what
we're here for, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, Carol, you want to fill out an appointment
card for Mr. Carlin? 10:30 Thursday.

It's so easy to believe other people are
incompetent when it's just me being overly critical.

Here we go, Mr. Carlin.

Oh, thanks, Carol.
You know, before this session...

if somebody handed me a messy card
like this, I probably would have...

gotten all upset
and said something like, uh...

“She shouldn't be holding
a responsible position like this“...

but, uh, I know how
to deal with it now.

Good.

Have you ever seen such sloppy work
in your life?

I thinkyodrejust being
overcritical again, Mr. Carlin.

Carol, I can't
make this out either.

Oh, neither can I.
What was the day and time again?

Uh, it's 10:30 Thursday.
I'll have my secretary remind me.

Bob, I typed it for him last week,
and he hollered at me.

Now, he said
it wasn't centered.

I cannot be all things
to all people.

- Hi, Bob.
- HLJerry. Uh,you got a minute?

Uh, sure. In fact, I've got, uh,
two minutes and 43 seconds.

Two minutes
and 43 seconds?

Yeah. I got some X-rays in the soup.
I gotta take 'em out before they turn black.

- What's up? - Remember the other day
you were talking about being adopted?

Yeah, wasn't that fantastic?

Well, Emilyjust called, and, uh,
someone from the adoption agency...

is coming by the apartment,
and they're gonna interview us.

That is fantastic.

I just wonder, uh,
what's an adoption interview like?

Bob, I was only three weeks old.

No, I meant, do you know
anyone who went through it?

- You know, what kind of questions do they ask?
- What are you worried about?

I don't know. I might--
might not qualify.

Areyou kidding?
Well, you'll make a great dad.

Look at all the fun we have
at the ball games together.

I'm really-- You know, I'm confused
about the whole adoption thing.

I mean, I don't know
ifl'm ready for a baby right now.

And then again, maybe I am.
What do you think?

Bob, I want to tell you
something as a friend.

You know a lot about yourself,
but I know a lot about you too.

- Bob-- Oops. Gotta go.
- [ Buzzer Buzzes ]

Bob? It's 8:00.

[Bob] What time does that woman
from the adoption agency get here?

- 8:00.
- Al/right. I'm almost dressed.

Honey, you have been getting dressed
for almost an hour.

Bob, you're not gonna
wear that, are you?

Yes, I am, underneath
whatever I wear over it.

I can't seem to decide.

I've gone through everything in my closet,
and I don't want to get too dressed up...

but I don't want
to be too informal.

I want tojust make
the right impression.

Why don't you wear that sport shirt
my mother gave you for your birthday?

- I hate that shirt!
- You never told me that before.

You never asked me
to wear it before.

- I would love a scotch and soda.
- I'll get you one.

Honey, I don't want that woman
from the agency thinking I drink.

- But, Bob, you do.
- But not as much as she's gonna think I drink...

ifshe comes in here and sees me
holding a scotch and soda.

You know, it's really funny.

I mean, I know
it's only an interview...

and I know we have
all the qualifications...

and we're gonna make a terrific
first impression, but...

I still can't help feeling nervous,
and I don't know why.

See, that's the advantage
to having a Ph.D in psychology.

I mean, Fm nervous,
but I know why.

- Why?
- 'Cause you're nervous.

And I have tremendous respect
for your instincts.

- How do I look?
- Perfect.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- Still don't like this shirt.

Hello. Uh, Vmjoan Radford
from the adoption agency.

- Oh, won't you come in?
- Thank you.

This isjoan Radford
from the adoption agency.

This is my wife, Emily.

- Hello.
- Hello. How do you do?

- Then you must be Mr. Hartley.
- [Titters]

I guess I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm Bob Hartley.

Oh,joan Radford
from the adoption agency.

And this is my wife, Emily.

U h, yes.
We've already met.

- Would you like to sit down?
- Oh, thank you.

- This is a lovely apartment.
- Oh, thank you.

It isn't nearly
as lovely as it usually is.

The cleaning woman
comes in tomorrow, and then it's--

then it's as lovely
as it usually is.

[Clears Throat]
It's a lot lovelier then.

Yeah. Listen, uh,
before we begin...

I'd like to say something
that I hope will put you both at ease.

- I hope you can.
- Yes, well...

I'm really here for only one reason,
and that's to get to know you.

And I realize there's always that tendency to
try to make false impressions and overdo it...

so why don't the two of you just
relax and be yourselves, okay?

-[Sighs]
- I'm glad you said that.

I would imagine in,you know,
a situation like this...

that, uh, people would
tend to overreact and, uh...

that would create a false impression,
you know, and--

Uh, I-l think
I'll get us some coffee.

Uh, Bob, can I get you
a scotch and soda?

I don't drink.

Excuse me.

Uh, Mr. Hartley, while we're waiting, why
don't you show me the rest of the apartment?

Oh, great. Great,
I'll give you the-- the grand tour.

- Okay.
_ Uh"

Well, as long as
we're in this room, uh...

this, as you may have guessed,
is the living room.

Yes. It's lovely.

And, uh...

- over here is the-- is the kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

And over here is the bedroom,
and through there is the bath.

Well, where is
the baby's room?

We don't have a baby.

Mr. Hartley, when you do have a baby,
where will it sleep?

Oh, probably in my den.

- But then it wouldn't be my den. It'd
be the baby's... den. - Yes, uh--

- May I see it?
- Yes.

Oh, I s--
I see what you mean.

Uh, right now,
there's a lot of mahogany...

but we plan to hang a lot of pictures
of... ducks and--

Oh, my goodness.
What a lot of books you have.

Yes, I've--
I've read them all.

Well, why don't you just, uh, browse
in the baby's den...

and I think I'll help
my wife with the coffee.

- Okay.
- Looks like it might be kind of heavy.

I think she likes me.

Bob, don't you think
you're overdoing it just a little?

Maybe I am, but the minute that woman
walked through that door...

I realized how much
I wanted this baby...

and I'm just using all the psychology
I know to get it.

Well, she knows psychology too,
and she can tell when you're overdoing it.

Bob, we're good
the way we are.

I don't know.

It doesn't hurt to be
a little better than we are.

Oh, Bob, you can't be better
than you are. You're the best.

Honey, I thinkyou're a terrific person
and a terrific wife.

And I think you're gonna be
a marvelous mother.

Mr. Hartley, uh, don't you think
you're overdoing it?

During your average week, how often
would you say that you had dinner out?

- Oh, hardly ever at all.
- Uh-huh.

That's because Emily's
such a good cook.

- And that's true. I'm not overdoing it.
- I believe you.

- Thank you.
- Now, do either one of you smoke?

No. We think it's a filthy
and disgusting habit.

I'm sorry to hear that. I left my cigarettes
at home, and I'd really like one.

Okay, good. Well, those are all
the questions I have for now.

I just want to leave
this form for you to fill out.

But I must say in all honesty, the two of you
seem perfectly suited to adopt a baby.

- Does that mean we passed?
- Well, yes.

There is just
one small problem...

and that is we don't have
any babies available right now.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

And our requests
are so heavy that it--

it looks like it could take anywhere from
nine months to a year before we can deliver.

- Nine months? You could have a
baby in nine months. - Right.

You don't have any in stock?

No.

The-- The one from the kit...

could be here before
the one from the ceiling.

What?

- Nothing. Nothing.
- Oh, boy!

Well, honey, nine months
isn't that long a time.

We're gonna have to wait
nine months anyway.

It's still a long time.

You're right.
It is a long time.

But it'll give us time
to be better parents.

It'll give us time
to, uh-- to adjust...

and to prepare things...

and to... hang ducks
in the den.

Bob, don't you think Mrs. Radford
will think we're overdoing it?

Let her.

Bob, I'm sorryl ran out
on your problem yesterday.

How did it go last night?

Before we start with my problem,
how much time do you have?

- {Buzzer Buzzes]
- Om'. Gama go.

But I want to hear about your problem.
Come on. Tell me on the way to the darkroom.

Well, we're probably gonna have to
wait a year to get a baby.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- Well, it'll give us time to adjust...

and time to maybe have
one of our own.

Time to hang duckies.

[ Mews]