All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e03 - Tennis, Emily

[Yawning]

Oh! Good morning, sweetheart.

- What are you gonna do today?
- I've got lots of things to do.

First, I'm gonna see you
off to work.

Then I'll probably go out on the patio
and work on my tan.

Then I guess I'll take
a hot shower and maybe a nap.

By then you should be home.

Honey, maybe we should
go out to dinner tonight.

I don't think I'm
gonna feel like cooking.

That building a tan can really
take it out of you.

Well, Bob, I'm just bored.

I wish there were summer school
for third grade...

- sol could at least teach during my vacation.
- [ Bell Ding; ]

Emily, working during a vacation
from work is not a vacation from work.

You owe it to yourself.
Youjust gotta find something to do.

- Like what?
- [KnQckAt Door]

- Would you get the door?
- Oh, sure.

But that still leaves me with
two months of nothing to do.

Hi, Howard.

Hi, Emily.
How'd you know it was me?

- You're wearing a uniform, and I
recognized your face. - Oh, well...

I just wanted to tell you
that I just got back.

I didn't even know
you were out of town.

I wasn't. I just got back
from a party. Wow!

How come you're
wearing your uniform?

It was a costume party.

- Uh, come in, Howard.
- Oh, yeah. Come in, Howard.

I love costume parties,
but I like to go as myself.

It's pretty hard to pick up a girl
when you're dressed as a chicken.

Howard, Emily and I werejust discussing
what to do with your time off.

- Thank you, honey.
- Thank you very much. Thanks.

You have a lot of time off, right?
You're on three days, and then you're off three.

Yeah, they call it “three on and three off.“
Oh, thank you.

- What do you do with your three off?
- Oh, I keep myself busy.

I took upjogging last month,
but it didn't work out.

Emily wouldn't care
for running.

- How about handball? That's good exercise.
- That's a man's sport.

Women have hands.

It's too hard.
It's too strenuous.

They wanna be equal.
Let them do some of the hard stuff.

How about Ping-Pong? No, you need
a partner. Does she have any Chinese friends?

Honey, where are you going?

Oh, I just thought while
you two were deciding...

the half of me that's awake would gojoin
the other half of me that's still asleep.

I think I'll go downtown early
and have another breakfast.

For some reason,
this didn't stick with me.

- How about riding horseback?
- No, I think I'll take the train.

- Hi, Carol. Anything for me?
- Oh, yeah, Bob.

- Jerry wants to see you. He says
it's extremely urgent. - Mm-hmm.

- Bob, aren't you gonna see him?
- You have to interpretjerry.

The last time he told me
it was extremely urgent...

he wanted me
to have my teeth cleaned.

Bob, it sounded
really important.

- It did? Is he free now?
- As a matter of fact, he is.

His I 0:00 appointmentjust went into
extra innings in a little league game.

Wh-Wheres my 10:00 appointment?
My new patient?

He called,
said he'd be late.

Bob, I think this one's
going to be a dilly.

- Why? Because he's late?
- No. Because of the reason he's late.

He's having trouble finding
a sitter for his chimp.

Gee, you'd think he could find some
teenage chimps glad to pick up the extra money.

Oh, I like that.

- HLJerry.
- Hey, Bob. How ya doin'?

- What's extremely urgent?
- Bob, do you realize...

it's been six months since
you had your teeth cleaned?

- That's what I thought.
- Bob, your teeth are your friends.

Youjust take care of them,
and they'll never leave you.

I can't do it today. I got
a lot of things on my mind.

Well, why don't you just sit down,
and we'll talk about it...

and I'll get your teeth
at the same time.

That's good.
just hop in there.

Put your little feet up.
I'm all ears.

Emily and I
are having problems.

Oh, really?

- Jerry, do I have to wear this?
- Yes.

I feel a little silly talking about my marriage
with Tommy Tooth staring up at me.

- Can't you turn it over?
- Yes.

Most kids prefer Tammy Tooth
to Tommy anyway.

So, what's wrong with Emily?

I don't know. She's so disinterested.
She has no drive, no energy.

She's just happy to sit around
all clay and--

Okay,just open. Go on.

How are you gonna be able to hear
what I say with your hands in my mouth?

Hey, Bob, I've had people talking to me
with my hands in their mouths for years.

It's kind of like understanding
a foreign language.

- Go ahead.
- Well-- [ Continues, indistinct]

- “It happens every summer, you know.“
- [Continues]

- “But this time, it's different.“
- [Continues]

Worse, huh?
A little wider, please.

[Continues]

You're afraid that
it's something beeper.

- Deeper.
- Deeper. Right.

[Continues]

You're afraid that she's getting
bored with you, huh? Rinse and spit.

Bob, it's not you.

Most schoolteachers go through
this summer-boredom thing.

Last summer, it happened
to my Aunt Louise real bad.

But when it was over, it turned out to be
the best summer she ever had.

- What'd she do?
- She had an affair.

- That's the last thing I wanna hear.
- Yeah.

My uncle wasn't too thrilled
when he found out either.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not
paying any attention to her.

Maybe I should take her out
to dinner to a nice place.

- That's fine.just open up.
- That's all the time I have right now.

- I'm gonna have to close.
- Bob, I'm not finished yet.

I got a new patient coming in.
It wouldn't look good if I was late.

Hey, Bob, it wouldn't look good
if you were wearing that bib either.

Honey, I'm home.

Emily?

Are you sleeping?

- Oh, hi, Bob!
- Hi, honey. Where you been?

I took your advice.
Wait till you see what I did.

Oh, Bob, look!

You had your
wedding dress shortened.

Bob, I can't believe
how I was stagnating.

I almost wasted a whole half
a summer doing nothing...

but now I've taken up tennis,
and I got all the equipment.

Wait till you see.
Look, Bob, a tennis sweater, huh?

And wait. This is
the best part. Bob, look.

I got a wristband.
Isn't that terrific?

- Huh?
- Honey, how about a tennis racket?

Oh, I didn't have time
to get one of those.

But I borrowed my pro's,
and he's gonna order one for me.

- You have a pro and everything?
- Yes. And he's such a sweet man.

You know what?
We were talking over coffee...

and he says he has a lot
of personal problems.

Isn't that wonderful?

- No, not for him.
- What I mean is...

when I told him
you were a psychologist...

he said he was looking for one,
and I think he's gonna call you.

Honey, you're gonna get out of the kitchen
'cause we're going out to dinner tonight.

Oh, Bob, I was gonna
play tennis tonight.

I was just putting this
in the oven for you.

I could cancel if you want.

No, don't cancel.

How, uh, late does your pro work?

Oh, I'm not playing with him.
I'm playing with Howard.

[Chuckles]

How-- How--
Howard plays tennis?

No. That's what's so terrific.
I can start winning right away.

When the bell goes off,
honey, your dinner is ready.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like to
come and watch us?

No, no. I'll just wait here
for the bell to go off.

- Open wider, please.
- [ Indistinct]

Uh-huh. I understand you completely, Bob,
but I still don't know what your problem is.

A few days ago, you complained
because she wasn't doing enough...

and now you're complaining
because she's doing too much.

Don't you thinkyou're kind of hard
to please? Come on. Open wider.

What do you think I am,
a snake?

I can only open my mouth so far.

What are you cleaning,
my tonsils?

You know, if you were one of
my regular customers...

you would have lost your
“I was good at the dentist“ balloon...

for that smart remark.

- Get it open.
- Excuse me.

There is the most gorgeous person out
there I have ever seen in my entire life.

- Who is she?
- He. He.

His name is Stan Connors, Bob, and he
says he has an appointment to see you.

That-- That must be Emily's pro.

Oh, I'll bet he is!

What kind of problems could a guy
who looks that good have?

- Carol, I've never seen you like this before.
- I've never been this way.

But it sure has been
worth waiting for.

-I guess I gotta go,jerry.
- Okay, Bob.

Next time, we'll get the eyeteeth
and the molars, and we'll be done.

By that time, we'll be ready
to start on your lowers again.

It's never ending, kind of like painting
the Golden Gate Bridge.

- That's him.
- Oh.

- Hi, I'm Bob Hartley.
- I'm Stan Connors.

And I'm right outside
if anybody wants me. For anything.

- S-Sit down.
- Thank you. Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm dressed like this,
but I'm in-between lessons.

In fact, I just gave Emily one.
You have a terrific wife.

I mean, she said some pretty
terrific things about you.

- She said some terrific things about you.
- 0/1.

She said you had
a lot of problems.

I mean, those weren't
the terrific things.

Well, I didn't tell her
exactly what they were.

I thought I'd
save them all up for you.

Well, good. What seems to be
your problem, Stan?

Well, Bob, I really feel kind of funny
talking about it.

I mean, it's something
Fvejust had to live with my whole life.

L'vejust been carrying it around
and never learned how to deal with it.

This is the time
to deal with it.

Bob, you have no idea...

what it's like to be
incredibly good-looking.

L-- I suppose not.

Women just come on with me
all the time.

And, Bob, when they do,
I just can't turn 'em down.

Guess how many different women
I've been acquainted with.

L-- I don't know.
H-How many?

F don't know.
That's how many.

I stopped counting
when I was 19 years old.

That's about the time
I started counting.

Well, Bob, it's become
a real obsession with me.

I mean, I have this terrible fear...

that when I get to the end of my life,
there's gonna be one girl I've missed.

Isn't that silly?

Stan, you know, my wife is
taking tennis lessons from you. [ Laughs]

- Well, I, uh--
- No, Bob. No.

Emily is one of the few women that I
haven't felt that way about.

- I hope you're not offended.
- No, I'm pleased, as a matter of fact.

And, Bob,
it hasn't been easy.

I mean, that hair,
those eyes, that face.

Bob, your wife is one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen.

L-- I think it's gonna
work out real fine, Stan.

Me too.
I really feel a lot better.

- How would Thursday at 2:30 be?
- Uh, that's fine. Fine.

- Carol, do you wanna make--
- Got it.

Thank you.
You really work fast.

Okay, Stan. Uh--

- That'll be Thursday at 2:30.
- Right.

- Oh, uh, Stan?
- Huh?

Yeah, we'll take
the next elevator.

- What?
- I-- I know her father.

I understand. I'll take the stairs.
It's better exercise anyway.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Thank you.

Bob, I feel so good and relaxed.

Oh, how was work today?

- I had three more teeth done.
- Oh.

Oh, and Stan Connors
was in today.

- Oh, isn't he nice?
- He's a very troubled man, Emily.

Oh, really?
Gee, he hides it so well.

When we're together, we're always
laughing and having a good time.

Honey, you know how when anything
bothers us, we discuss it?

Yeah.

- Well, is there anything bothering you?
- No.

Then I guess it's my turn.

Emily, I'm beginning to feel
an uncomfortableness with you and Stan.

- Oh, Bob--
- Now, honey, hold it just a minute.

The best way for me to get over
this uncomfortableness...

is to ask some simple questions,
and you give me some honest answers...

and then the uncomfortableness
will just go away.

Okay.

Uh, do you find Stan very attractive?

Oh, yes.

That didn't work out too well.

Do you enjoy being in his company?
Do you like to be with him a lot?

Oh, very much.

That didn't work out either.

Doyou like him
more than you love me?

Oh, Bob, of course not.

Well, now we know
it's somewhere in the middle.

We'll just have to pinpoint it.

Bob, you know,
when I was in high school...

and my girlfriends and I started
really seriously dating...

they always went
for the obvious guys.

You know, the big, tall,
good-looking ones.

The football players or
the guys on the swimming team...

or the captain
of the baseball team.

You know who I went with?

The second trumpet player
in the school band.

Bob, what I'm trying to say is...

I just never went for those big,
good-looking guys like Stan.

That's why I married you.

That didn't end up
as good as it started out.

Right.

Emily, this may come
as a shock to you...

but in high school,
I was considered great-looking.

You're kidding!

No. I think it was my hair.
I had--l had great hair.

I was the first kid in school
to ever have a flattop with a ducktail.

Oh.

Well, Bob, I love you
for what's under your hair.

Now, how about that feeling
of uncomfortableness now?

It's all gone. See, it's so much better
when we talk it out.

Mmm.

Oh, Bob, I invited Stan
to the party Saturday night.

- Maybe I shouldn't have done that.
- Honey, don't be silly.

You just explained that you're
not attracted to attractive men.

I mean,
that's why you like me.

You know, no matter who says that,
it doesn't end up right.

And then that brings us back to
the living room, which is the end of our tour.

I've seen this house 12 times.
I still just love it.

Oh, thank you, Carol. I've seen it
more than that, and I still love it.

Sit down here, love.

You know, I can't get over the feeling
that I've met you before.

- Really?
- Of course.

Of course you have.
Marci's my oldest patient.

He talked me into getting my teeth
straightened. Isn't he wonderful?

What she doesn't know is once they're in
my chair, they're mine for three years.

I'm so glad I decided to come tonight,
even though I don't have a date.

Does the fact that
Stan Connors is coming...

have anything to do with the fact
that you don't have a date?

Well, that and a call to my boyfriend
telling him I was gonna be sick tonight.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Oh. No, I'll get it.

- Thankyoujerry, would you--
- Sure.

- Hi.
- Hello.

It's for you.

- Hi, Howard.
- This is my date. This is Cheryl Sherwood.

This is Emily Hartley.
This is Bob Hartley.

This isjerry Something-or-other,
and I don't know anybody else.

- Uh, Howard, this is Carol Kester.
- Hello.

Excuse me. I think I'll just go
freshen up my natural look.

Howard, maybe I should've told you
it isn't a costume party.

I know that. We're going
to the airport right after the party.

I tried to get her to change at my place,
but she wouldn't go for it.

It must be fun
being a stewardess, huh?

Oh, I'm not a stewardess.
I rent cars at the airport.

Oh.

But Cheryl's the best. Last month,
she rented more T-birds than any other girl.

- She got a gold key chain for it.
- Oh!

- Would you like something to drink?
- No, I don't think so.

- I'm flying, and she's renting. Maybe
something soft. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Oh, I'll get it, honey.

You must've eaten a lot
of candy when you were little.

- Hi, Emily.
- Everybody, this is Stan Connors, my pro.

Uh, tennis pro.

Hi, Bob.

- This isjerry Robinson and--
- Marci Wintersall.

- And this is Howard Borden.
- How are you?

And “Hi.
my name is Cheryl Sherwood.“

Forgive me if I don't remember
all your names right away.

You couldn't be expected to.
What would you like to drink?

Whatever Cheryl and Marci
are having.

That-- That would be cream soda.

Oh. Well, I'll still have
what they're having...

just substitute scotch
for cream soda.

- Well, hi, Carol.
- Oh, you remembered my name.

Carol Kester. Now, who could
forget such a pretty name?

- Emily, I love your place. lt'sjust super.
- Thank you, Stan.

- Would you like to go on a tour?
- Great. I'd love to.

- Well, this is the bookcase.
- It sounds fascinating.

- I'll show you where it is.
- Yes. Thank you.

- Chip dip?
- No.

You know,
I never get tired of seeing that den.

I don't get it. Cheryl wasn't at all
interested in seeing my apartment...

and it has the same floor plan
as this one.

It must be the den. My apartment
doesn't have a den in it.

- Where are you flying tonight, Howard?
- I don't know.

You are gonna ask someone
before you take off, aren't you, Howard?

I know we're starting
for New York.

But this is the fog season,
and who knows where we'll end up.

Bob, I just love your apartment.

It's just great, really.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, Stan.

Bob, I find this very hard to do,
and I hate to even bring it up at a party...

but, well, I have to quit
being your patient.

Somebodys been
coming on with me.

Well, why do you have to
quit being my patient?

Well, I'd rather
not talk about it.

You were never afraid
to talk about it before.

It was never Emily before.

- I think that's yours, Stan.
- I'm sorry, Bob.

Of course,
you realize I don't believe you.

- Wh-What happened?
- Nothing.

- What happened if nothing happened?
- It's eye contact, Bob.

I know. I can tell.
I'm an expert.

- Well, how'; eveg/thing going in here?
- [Clears Throat]

Stan, you know, psychologists aren't
supposed to discuss cases with anyone...

even theirwives,
but since you just quit me--

Emily, Stan says
you've been coming on with him.

What? Stan,
when did I come on with you?

Well, on the tennis court this morning
andjust a few minutes ago in the den.

- And you're doing it again right now.
- [ Scoffs]

Stan, I am gonna tell you something,
and you better believe this.

I love my husband. I wouldn't endanger
our marriage for the world.

I mean, you're a very sweet guy,
and you're fun to be with...

and you are a terrific tennis teacher,
and that's it.

Now, I am going
to take this dip...

and go back to the party.

You know, Bob, maybe she
wasn't coming on with me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, she's the first.

What about the time you thought your
sister-in-law was coming on with you...

as she was coming down the aisle
on her wedding clay?

Well, okay, two.

Or the time you went to the ice show
and you swore that Peggy Fleming...

couldn't take her eyes off you?

I see what you're getting at.

You think maybe a lot of it's
been myimagination?

Why don't we discuss it
in my office Thursday, huh?

Sure. Bob,
I don't know how to thank you.

Excuse me.

L-- I just can't stop thinking
about how smashing it would be...

to take tennis lessons
with you.

I just think it
would be so much fun.

You do take beginners,
don't you?

[Clears Throat]
Bob?

Definitely not
your imagination.

[Exhales]

Yes, I do take beginners.

The patient's going up higher.
I take my eyes off him for a second.

I go over to the tray and I look up,
and there's the patient--

[Jerry Laughs,
Continues, indistinct]

Thanks a lot, Bob.
I'll see you next week, huh?

All right, Stan.

Excuse me.

You know, it's amazing how
most women find him attractive.

Oh, I don't think so.

Women don't go for good-looking guys
like that anymore.

How do you explain the fact that seven women
were waiting for him to come out of my office?

Hey, they were standing here
listening to me tell them a funny story.

How do you explain the fact
that they left when he left?

I finished my story.
[Chuckles]

I did finish my story,
didn't I?

No, I didn't finish.

[ Mews]