All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e01 - Fly the Unfriendly Skies

Uh, Mrs. Hill.
we've been over this before.

As you said yourself, uh,
you overeat because, uh...

having a beautiful body,
you feel, threatens you.

A-A-And for some reason,
having a fat body doesn't threaten you.

Well, I'm-- I'm happy to hearyou've been--
you've been able to control it.

Mrs. Hill?Yeah, I-- I--
I can't understand you...

w-with your mouth full.

Add the whites of four eggs,
one cup of bread crumbs--

I don't know, Margaret.
Bob hates chicken.

And so far it doesn't sound
like there's anything in this recipe...

that's gonna make him
hate this chicken any less.

Add one cup of bourbon.

Margaret, are you sure
you tried this recipe?

Sure. It's great.

The only problem is you can't drive
for at least two hours afteryou eat.

Hi, honey.

- Hi, dear.
- Hi.

[Clears Throat]
Hello, Margaret.

I'm starved.
What are we having for dinner?

- Chicken.
- Oh.

Would you take your hands out of the chicken?
I-- I want to tell you something.

I can listen
with my hands in chicken.

This is the kind of news
you don't want to have your hands...

in chicken when you hear it.

You know that workshop I'm giving for--
for people that are terrified of flying?

- Uh-huh. - Well, they're-- they're
finally gonna have to face their fears...

and we're going up
in an airplane together.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now-- Now can I get
back to the, uh--

I haven't gotten to
the wonderful part yet.

What do you think
of New York?

Oh, it's one of your bigger cities.

No, we figured as long as we're up in the air,
we-- we may as well go somewhere.

So, I got an extra ticket
for you to go to New York with me.

Hey, that's wonderful!

- Yeah, we can-- we can take in some shows.
- And I know a great restaurant...

where they have
the best lobster in the world.

- Now, what's it called?
- E-Emily and I can go shopping on 5th Avenue.

I love shopping on 5th Avenue.

Listen, I'll go see
if I can find the name of that restaurant.

Great. Uh-- Oh, I think
the New York Philharmonids in town.

- Yeah, it is! It is!
- Oh, we're gonna have such a--

Why, uh-- Why is Margaret having
such a great time in New York and you're not?

Bob, there's something
I never told you.

You know those people you're going
to New York with who are afraid to fly?

Yeah.

I'm one of them.

- You're afraid of flying?
- That's what I said.

Well, honey, thafsjust... stupid.

Do you tell those people
in your workshop...

who are terrified of flying
that they/re stupid?

Well, of course not, honey.
But I don't love them.

I mean, I love you.
And when you love somebody...

I-it's all right to tell them
that they're being stupid.

W-What exactly are you afraid of?

The part where
you're off the ground.

Re-Remember when I asked you
where you wanted to go on our honeymoon...

Hawaii or Acapulco?

Did flying have anything to do
with the fact you chose Gary, Indiana?

Hello, Bob, Emily.
Can you spare a drink?

Howard, perfect timing,
I was just talking to Emily about flying.

Oh, please.
Let's not talk about flying.

I just got back from Los Angeles.
It was the hairiest flight I ever had.

First time the pilot ever got sick.

[Sighs]

Emily, so-- so he had one rotten flight.
I mean, how often does that happen?

Happens every time
we go over those darn mountains.

Uh, what's happening
to that drink anyway?

Howard, I'm trying
to convince Emily that flying is safe.

Emily doesn't think flying's safe?

Emily, Emily, Emily-- You think
I'd spend my life flying ifit wasn't safe?

And when I first started flying,
I realized that's where I wanted to be.

That-- That freedom.
That serenity. The sense of peace.

When did you start flying, Howard?

During the war.

- Emily, what happened to all the bourbon?
- Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Would you like
a glass of chicken, Howard?

Maybe later, Bob.

- Uh, did I get any mail while I was gone?
- I'll get it. It's in the den.

- Howard, look. You want to be some help to me?
- Yeah.

Don't talk about flying. I'm trying to talk
Emily into flying into New York with me.

- Right. Gotcha.
- Okay?

You know,
l-l've been thinking.

I have to admit.
I was a little edgy about flying.

But now I feel better
about everything.

I knew it. 'Cause I-itjust--
It didn't sound like you, you know?

Yeah, I-- I just felt a million times better
the moment I realized...

there is no way you're
gonna get me on that plane.

- Morning, Carol.
- Mmm.

Any mail?

- Any phone call or messages?
- Mm-hmm.

W-W-What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just finishing up
your astrology chart.

I can tell you anything
you want to know about yourself.

L-I don't believe in astrology.

Of course you don't.
My chart says you're very skeptical.

Anything else you want to know?

Anywhere on that chart it can tell me
whether I have any phone calls or messages?

Always inquisitive. I'm right again.

All right.
Now, the airline called--

22 reservations to New York.

- You're all confirmed.
- Great.

Emily canceled out.
I got to unconfirm the confirmation.

Get me the airline
on the phone, would you?

Oh, sure. Oh, listen, Bob--

Now, when you talk
to the airline...

don't mention to them that
you're a psychology group.

Because in order to get you
the commercial discount...

I had to tell them
you were something else.

- What?
- A marching band.

[Intercom Buzzing

- Yeah?
-[Carol ] Airline on two.

Thank you.

Hello. Yeah, hi. This is--
This is Bob Hartley.

Yeah. I'm holding confirmed reservations
on your New York Flight 21

for 22 on the 29th.

Yeah, I'd like to change that to 21.

I realize it's Flight 21.
l-l'm changing the 22 people to 21.

Twenty-one on Flight 21
on the 29th.

Now, originally we were gonna
have 2O take the return flight to Chicago...

which is your Flight 26 on the 30th.

And my wife and I were
gonna stay in New York over the weekend...

and return to Chicago
on your Flight 54 on the 31 st.

Right. Yeah, I'd like to change that.

I really have to. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, it's all 21 returning
on your Chicago Flight 26 on the 30th.

And cancel the two
on 54 on the 31 st.

You got that all?

That's amazing.

Well, thank you very much.

No, we-- we won't need
any special help with the band instruments.

We, uh--
We play harmonicas.

- Thank you very much. Good-bye.
- [Knocking]

Hey, Bob.

- HLjer/y
- [ Sighs]

- You're smiling.
- Yeah.

That either means you're feeling great
or you're feeling bad.

I'm feeling great.
Carol just finished my astrology chart.

She said, among other things,
lam artistic, witty and sexy.

- I don't believe in that stuff.
- She also said my feelings get hurt very easily.

No, I mean I don't believe in astrology.

I thinkyou're artistic
and witty and... the other one.

Hey, Bob, is the flight of the chickens
still taking off for New York this weekend?

Jerry, I wish you wouldn't refer to it
as a “flight of chickens.“

A totally irrational fear
is a very real thing to these people.

Bob, you don't have
to tell me about fear.

I deal with it
every day at my work.

Oh, sure. When you--
When you put the braces on the kids' teeth.

You know, we really face
the same problems. You know that?

One big difference. When your patients
get afraid, they don't bite your fingers.

One did.

Anyway, if there's still an opening on
your “fear of flight“ workshop to New York...

I'd like you
to book my brother on it.

H-How long has your brother
been afraid of flying?

No, not flying.
He's afraid of New York.

He's a salesman.
He gets mugged there from time to time.

Jerry, l-l'd love to help your brother,
but by the time I get through...

getting 2O people on a plane
who are afraid of flying...

l-I'm not going to be in any condition
to help someone who's afraid to get off.

Okay. Well, if you ever have a workshop...

for people who are afraid
of places like New York City...

keep my brother in mind.

He's not too crazy
about Detroit either.

Door Closes 1

[Intercom Buzzing]

- Yeah?
- [ Carol] Emily's calling on one.

Thank you. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Bob.

Guess what?

I'm flying to New York with you.

That's great. What--
What made you change your mind?

- Howard did.
- Well, how did Howard do it?

He said some
very reassuring things.

Howard from across the hall?

That's great.
You know I'm very proud of you?

Well, I thought I'd let you know
before you change the airline reservations.

You just missed.

- Aw. - l-l'll call 'em back and
I'll change the reservations...

back to the way I had 'em
before I changed them.

- Emily?
- Uh-huh?

If I don't get the same
reservations clerk...

I could be late for dinner tonight.

All right. E-Everybody, you want
to settle down and take your seats?

Oh, yes.

Now, a-as you all know,
this is our last fear of flying workshop--

And, uh, I just want to remind you
we'll all be flying to New York on Friday...

just in case that may have
slipped your minds.

Uh, first we're gonna have
a guest speaker.

He's my neighbor, but he's also
a navigator on one of the big jets.

But, uh, since he isn't here yet,
I'd like to introduce my second surprise.

This is my wife, Emily.

She's a new member to our group,
and she's also afraid of flying.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Emily, you want-- you want to explain
w-what led to your-- your fear of flying?

Oh, I don't think anybody
would be interested in my story.

L-- I just thought
I'd sit and listen tonight.

I feel you have a lot
of hostility toward me.

Why-- Why do you say that, Mr. Carlin?

Uh, because Emily,
by refusing to tell her story...

is implying that
her fear is better than mine.

I don't like it.
I feel threatened by it.

And I don't know
how to deal with it.

[Clears Throat]

Em-Emily, do you-- do you have
any hostility to-- to Mr. Carlin?

No. I-- I just didn't think anybody
would be interested in my story.

L-- I really just thought
I'd sit and listen tonight.

You know, I like you for saying that.

Thank you.
I like you too, very much.

I don't believe you.

All right.
Emily, maybe you'd better start by...

telling the members of the group when
you first became aware of this fear of flying.

Right. Well, I-it was in college.

L-it was just a little thing.

A bunch of us were flying with the team to Ann
Arbor for the big Michigan-Northwestern game.

And when that plane
started rolling down that runway...

you know, I-- I just
got this horrible, terrified feeling.

- And I just knew I wasn't gonna make
it to Ann Arbor. - [ Group Murmur/mg]

No. But I-- I think the point is...

she did make it to Ann Arbor,
or she wouldn't be here today.

Uh, no. I'm here
because I made them turn the plane around.

You-- You made them
turn the plane around?

That's big.

Did-- Did any of you
go to the airport as I suggested...

to sort of get used to the atmosphere
and the-- the feel--

Yeah, uh, Mrs. Bakerman,
you want to describe some of your feelings?

Well, I was fine in the beginning.

And then I noticed
that my hands were sort of sweating.

I felt faint, and my heart was racing.

Then I realized it was just fear,
like you said.

- Th-Then what did you do?
- I got in the car and went to the airport.

S-Some of you have expressed a lack
of confidence in the men that fly the bigjets.

And that's why
I invited Howard Borden.

Howard Borden is a navigator.
He's been one for over 15 years.

And he's logged over
25 million miles without incident.

Boy, I'm sorry I'm late, but I got lost.

I thought you told me to turn right,
and I made a--

This is Howard Borden.

Bob, can I speak
to you outside, please, for a minute?

Why don't you have a general discussion?
I'll be back in just a minute.

What are all those people
doing in there?

I mean, I thought you told me
it was gonna be a small group.

Well, it is a small group.
There- There are only about 2O people.

No. Three is a small group.
Twenty people is a mob.

I mean, I can't speak
in front of a lot of people.

I just fall to pieces.
I really fall to pieces.

Somethings wrong. I know it.
Somethings wrong with the building.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Just-just take a few deep breaths and relax.
You'll be fine.

All right. Y-You want
to start with some questions?

- Uh,yeah.
- Yes?

Uh, I read in this magazine
that your pilots today...

suffer from this ailment caused by flying
too many hours at too fast a speed.

I-It's calledjet lag.

It dulls the senses
and slows the reflexes.

What do you say to that?

- Howard?
- What?

Ar-Aren't you gonna
answer the question?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were talking to Bob.

Uh, what was
the question again?

I thinkyoujust answered it.

All right, everybody. Y-You want to make sure
you have your airline tickets.

Make sure you didn't
leave 'em in the office.

Just to be on the safe side,
let's everyone hold up their airline tickets.

All right. I'll--
I'll see you all at Gate 47.

It's a-- a pleasure hearing you, Mr, Borden.
You really set me straight on you guys.

You know, it's funny how everybody's afraid
to go up in an airplane...

and nobody's afraid to get in an elevator
which is held up by one thin little cable.

You did say you're going
to New York for the weekend.

Or are you
moving there for life?

Margaret, this is not my fault.
Bob said that packing would relax me.

I just started
a little too early, that's all.

- [ Phone Ringing]
- Oh, I'll bet that's Bob.

He said he'd call
before I left the house.

Hello? Hi, Bob.

Nervous? No.

New York? Is that-- Is that today?

I don't know why I said it.
I just thought it was kind of cute.

Yeah, I'm ready to go.

N-No, I didn't packyour blue tie.

Oh, o-okay. I'll-- I'll pack it now.

Okay, honey.
I'll see you on the, uh, thing.

Bye.

Mrs. Bakerman, everything fine?

Fine, Dr. Hartleyjust fine.

I know I'm not nervous.
I always stutter when I'm nervous.

- Oh, my.
- What-- What's wrong?

- I just stuttered, didn't I?
- No.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Carlin.
Mr.-- Mr. Gianelli.

[Clears Throat]

Just about the way
I pictured it.

A long, thin tube.

Well, now try--
try not to think of it that way.

- Uh, where do you want to sit?
- Next to the emergency exit.

Oh, uh, all the emergency exits are gone.

L-- I need a door.

I got to have a seat with a door.

How about those two over there?
They'd be right near that exit.

- That's not an exit. It's a restroom.
- I'll take it!

He-He'll be all right.
l-l'll look after him.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- How do you feel?
- Okay, so far.

- Where- Where do you want to sit?
- Next to you.

Well, you're in luck. I just happened
to reserve the seat next to me.

Honey-- Honey, relax.

This is just as safe as sitting
in that big armchair in our living room.

Oh, thanks.
It helps to think of it that way.

- Oh, don't forget to buckle your seat belt.
- Yeah.

[jet Engines whirring]

Guys, as you've probably guessed,
that's the sound of the engines starting up.

D-Don't let the sound disturb you.

As we discussed
in the office many times...

the only time to worry is when
you can't h-hear the engines.

All right. I'm gonna be
right here through the whole trip.

And once we're up in the air, we can
walk around and talk and share our feelings.

Now, here's our stewardess. I'm sure
she has some very reassuring words for us.

Welcome aboard
Pathfinder Flight 21.

We hope you'll have
a very pleasant flight to New York City.

If the cabin pressure
changes suddenly...

an oxygen mask
will drop in front of you.

In this event,
please extinguish all cigarettes...

and pull firmly down on the mask
and place it over your nose and mouth thusly.

Then continue to breath normally.

I am now going to point out
all the emergency exits.

If you have any problems at all
during our flight...

just press the stewardess call buttons located
in the panels directly above your head.

[ Beeping]

I guess-- I guess we could
discuss our feelings now...

if anybody wants to do that.

- Anybody want to do that? - Excuse me,
sir. You must sit down now and buckle up.

Oh, I'm gonna have
to sit down and buckle up now.

But, uh, you-- you won't have
to worry a-about a thing.

L-- I understand even the pilots do it.
it's just a formality.

Th-They'll be fine
once we get up in the air.

- You'll see.
- No.

- Oh, yes, they will.
- No, I--I mean I won't see, because I'm leaving.

Emily, what are you talking about?
Where're you gonna go?

- Home.
- Emily, you can't go home.

- I mean, you'rejust a little anxious.
- [Beeps]

How is it gonna look
if my wife is the only one who gets--

- Did you want something?
- Uh, some macadamia nuts.

Oh--

Uh, some macadamia nuts for him.

And for me, would you please
turn the plane around? [ Mouths Words]

Can I askyou a question?

Uh, yesterday, when I brought up the mail,
and I was watering the plants...

I was wondering--
Why was I doing that when you were here?

I mean, did you miss your plane?

L-I'd rather not
talk about it, Howard.

I mean, did you--
did you lose your tickets?

Emily?

Howard...

I created a scene.

I made a jetliner full of people
turn around, let me off...

and then take off without me.

Uh-huh. That was going
to be my next guess.

Not to mention
humiliating my husband.

Poor Bob. The last time
I remember seeing him...

he was spread-eagled across
the airplane door holding Mr. Gianelli in.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Uh, how was your trip?

Nothing out of the ordinary.
Shejust turned another big jet around.

Yeah. Well, I, uh,
think I'd better be going.

Thank you, Howard.

Bob?

I don't want to talk about it.
It's all over.

Plane is in the hangar,
as they say.

There's only one thing
I can't figure out.

Why did you pack all this stuff...

for a 50-foot trip?

[Crying]
Oh, Bob.

I really expected to
go more than 5O feet.

I wanted to go
to New York with you.

All right, honey.
Let's sit down and talk about it.

E-Emily, you-- you never told me
you were afraid of flying.

- [ Sobbing]
- There's a--

Well, there's-- there's something I--
I never told you.

- What?
- When you, uh--

When you cry...

I, uh-- I have this
overwhelming desire...

to laugh.

There's-- There's just something in--

in your crying
th-that makes me want to laugh.

Unless I--
Unless I fight the desire...

you just- you're gonna cry more.

It's going to take a lot more time...

and it's-- it's just
gonna be fun for one of us.

Oh, honey. I'm so glad
you're laughing at me, and not yelling.

It may have been even partially my fault.
I don't know.

L, uh-- I may-- I may have put you
on the plane too fast.

You only went to one meeting.
I mean, there-- there was one meeting...

where-- where all we did was just play
the roar of a jet engine for three hours.

In stereo.

Well, I--I don't know why
I couldn't make it this time.

But I--I really
want to lick this thing.

When does
your next workshop start?

Well, I don't know.
I want to give the airline a chance to forget.

And there-- there's still a lot of places left
to see in Gary, Indiana.

Oh.

That's so sweet!

- Hi, Bob.
- HLJerry.

How'd the weekend
in New York go?

- Uh, interesting.
- Oh, it must have been great.

You got a whole slew
of messages here.

Mr. Gianelli called,
said you were fabulous.

Uh, Mr. Carlin called
to thank you.

And Emily said
you were sensational.

Hey, Bob, I thought Emily didn't go
with you to New York.

No, she didn't. She was referring
to something that happened this morning.

[ Mews]