Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[GEORGE COUGHS]

- How's your cold doing, George?

- What cold?

- Never mind.

- Stephanie, if you lowered your arm,

something might actually get cleaned.

- It would also cause dust to fly,

which is unhealthy for my baby.

- You really don't think things through, do you, Joanna?

- Hail hail, apple and apple-ette of my eye.

Dick, Jo-Jo, Loudon up.

This cook has concocted a tasty new way

to serve up your TV shows.

- I'm salivating in anticipation.

- I'm flip-flopping your time slots.

From now on, ye will be on before ye.

You see? Is that a plan or what?

- You see, the thing about a plan is,

usually it has, like, a purpose.

- Really? Huh.

- All you people ever talk about is television.

Everyone in my world is obsessed with TV.

- I'm not.

- Well, you're also not part of my world, George.

Oh, okay. You're on the fringe.

- Surf's uppers, Cuppers.

I just had a tidal wave of an idea.

- Oh, let me take a wild guess.

You're flip-flopping our time slots again?

- Possibly, possibly.

But right now my notion is to give my huffin' muffin

a show of her own.

- My own TV show?

Where I'll be the center of attention

and people will write me fan mail I'll never answer?

- Oh, use--use a form letter. It's just as impersonal.

- True.

Michael, I don't know if I can do a show

like Dick's or Joanna's.

- Actually, it's not as hard as it looks.

- No, I mean, I want to do something good.

Something that would affect people.

That would change the world.

- How about a sitcom?

- Yes! - Yes!

And with me writing, producing and directing this thing,

how could it fail?

- Easy. With you writing, producing

and directing this thing.

- Michael, have you ever done a sitcom before?

- Nay, Joanna, I have not.

But I have seen every episode of every sitcom ever created.

Except for that Brady Bunch

where Mr. Brady buys the kids a pool table.

- So, um...

who else is going to be in this sitcom of yours?

- No one. Just me. That's all.

Nobody else.

- Yeah, Joanna, the other characters

would just get in the way.

- Being an aficionado of the form,

I must point out that every successful sitcom

needs a good stooge.

- That's true. You need a goofball.

A doofus.

Someone so thick he always misses the point.

Is that right?

Is that even what we're talking about?

- I can play a doofus.

I'm not afraid to look silly.

- As you're demonstrating right now.

- Excuse my sexism Broadway, Jo-Jo,

but the best stooges are men.

The paragon being the incomparable Don Knotts.

- Hey, what about Dick for the stooge?

Doesn't WPIV have you in one of those deals

where you have to do everything they say?

- I don't...

I don't know--know what you're talking about.

- See, he's a natural.

- Yes! - Yes!

- Uh, thanks, George.

B-By the way, you're no longer part of my world.

- Who needs your world? I'm on Stephanie's fringe.

- You know, I also have an overall deal at the station.

Maybe I could play Stephanie's best friend.

- Excuse us.

- No. - No.

A best friend is someone you'd borrow clothes from.

I mean, come on.

- Shazam. We'll throw Joanna a bone.

- She'll play my dog?

- An even better part. An even smaller part.

- Congratulations, Joanna,

you are now part of my sitcom family.

- Oh!

- Of course, you might have to memorize a line.

- I can do it, I can do it! Dick, I might have a line!

- Oh, th-that's nice, honey.

You know, let's hope it's a funny one.

- Yeah.

- So, writer, producer, director,

when can we shoot my sitcom?

- Well, let's see.

I still have to come up with a premise.

Write the script.

Have sets built.

Hire a crew.

What, two days?

- Quality takes time.

- ♪ Look it's Jody ♪

♪ No it's Judy! ♪

♪ We're seein' double! ♪

♪ Teenage twins Are double duty ♪

♪ We're seeing double! ♪

♪ Since their mom Drowned in a lake ♪

♪ Dad has taught His girls to bake ♪

♪ [Indistinct] baloney cake ♪

[SQUEALS]

♪ It's really groany ♪

♪ Oh Jude and Jody ♪

♪ What mischief you twins get into! ♪

♪ Twice the trouble We're seeing double! ♪

Aren't you?

- I wonder which of my 15-year-old

identical twin daughters, Judy or Jody, did this to me...

their father, Henry Bumpter.

- Hi, Daddy!

- All right, which one of you twins

cut a hole in my paper?

- Uh-oh.

- Jody, I thought so.

I knew it couldn't have been Judy,

she's my little bookworm.

Jody is my little troublemaker.

- Come on, Daddy, I don't cause that much trouble.

[OBJECT SHATTERS]

Whoops.

Okay, Daddy, I cut up your paper.

And I'm sorry.

Especially since today is your 35th birthday.

And also the anniversary of our mommy's death

in that freak fishing accident.

- Cheer up, twins.

Remember your mother is in a better place now.

- You mean, the bottom of Lake Titicaca?

- No, on the shores of...

Lake Heaven.

Where no one ever gets tangled in fishing lines.

- Oh, Daddy!

You're the swellest.

Well, Judy, we better get back into that kitchen

and start dinner before Daddy finds out

I used his brand new pipe to blow soap bubbles.

- Look who's here!

It's your man-crazy next door neighbor, Smitty!

- Hey, Smitty, seen any hunks lately?

- Yeah, the mailman.

[LAUGHS]

What a hunk!

I'd like to give him a special delivery.

- Smitty, I have a problem.

- Sounds serious, Hank.

What is it?

- Irregularity.

Also the twins.

Jody's a prankster and Judy's a bookworm.

I'm sure I wouldn't have these problems

if their mother, Harriet, were still alive.

Gosh, I miss her so.

[AUDIENCE "AW"S IN SYMPATHY]

- What you need is a chick. A mother hen for the girls.

And someone finger-licking good for you.

- Come on, Smitty.

What woman would give these graying temples a second look?

- Hey, just do what my hunk boyfriends do.

Dye your hair jet black.

- All right, I'll do it.

Tonight I'm going to dye.

My hair.

- Oh, Judy, I just heard the most terrible thing.

Our daddy's going to die tonight.

[AUDIENCE "AW"S IN SYMPATHY]

ANNOUNCER: Seein' Double! will be back on the double!

[GIGGLES]

And now, back to Seein' Double!

Ha ha ha!

- Oh, I know that look.

You're thinking maybe I didn't hear Daddy right.

Well, maybe I've done that before,

like the time I thought David Letterman was coming,

because I overheard Daddy tell Smitty,

"Guess who's coming to visit? David."

I know if I hadn't jumped to conclusions

and had waited for Daddy to finish his sentence,

I would have learned it wasn't David Letterman coming,

but David Smith, an old family friend.

But this time's different! You gotta believe me!

You just gotta!

Oh, you do believe me, you do!

So, what now, Sis?

We can't just ignore this thing

and hope it'll disappear like Jimmy Hoffa,

Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater

and the comedy team of Wayne and Shuster.

Oh, you think we should pray.

Good idea.

Now where's that damn, I mean, darn, prayer book?

In the pantry, of course.

You always know where everything is.

You're so organized.

Not bubbleheaded like me.

Is this it, Judy?

No, Jody, that's Daddy's bottle of scotch.

Oh, here's the book, Jody.

Hey, this isn't the prayer book.

It's my diary and someone's been reading it.

Jody Bumpter.

Okay, you're forgiven.

Now let's pray to God.

Dear God, you took our mommy.

Please don't take our daddy, too.

Also, could you lend a helping hand

to all our brothers and sisters in communist countries?

Thank you. Amen.

We should do something special for Daddy tonight.

After all, it is his birthday and he's dying.

What's his favorite thing in the whole wide world?

No, Jody, it used to be fishing.

Now it's eating cream pie.

And we're going to make him the best one ever.

And could you try to be a little less messy this time?

Okay.

Maybe I didn't think when I put the firecracker

in the Mix Master.

DICK: Twin daughters.

It's me, Henry Bumpter, your father.

- Daddy's home! Uh-oh.

I hope I didn't goof up the recipe.

And put detergent instead of flour in that pie.

[SPORTS PLAYING ON TV]

- Boy!

I'd love to give that Hulk Hogan the old Smitty-slam.

[LAUGHS] Hey! No hair dye.

Smitty is a number six.

You want chicks, you can't chicken out.

- I don't need any hair dye anymore.

At the drugstore I met the most beautiful pharmacist.

- You think Maurice Fishbine is beautiful?

Well, I'll be a jive turkey.

- I'm not talking about Maurice, I'm talking about his daughter.

Her name is Harriet, just like my late wife, Harriet.

- Well, did you ask this Harriet out for a little hot-cha-cha?

- Didn't have to. She asked me out.

- Where are you taking this chick-a-rooney?

- To a--to a costume ball.

I'm going as the 35-year-old father

of 15-year-old twin girls.

Either that, or as a giant rutabaga.

- And Harriet, the pharmacist?

- She'll be going as the Grim Reaper.

She'll be here at seven to pick me up.

- So, what you're saying is

the Grim Reaper is coming for you at 7 o'clock.

- Or to put it another way,

I'm going to see Harriet tonight.

- Well, I guess I'll go over to the gym and pump iron.

Iron is the name of the stud who runs the juice bar.

- Twin daughters, I'm going to my room now.

- I can't believe what you just told me,

that the Grim Reaper is coming for Daddy at 7 o'clock.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh, the Grim Reaper is early.

Maybe if we're quiet,

he'll think no one's home and go away.

How ironic.

Jody knocked over the urn that contains Mother's ashes.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, great, now the Grim Reaper knows we're here.

Oh, you have a scheme?

Okay, you go in the kitchen and get the you-know-what.

I'll stall the Grim Reaper.

Is that you, Grim Reaper?

HARRIET: Why yes, it is.

- Uh...

we already gave at the lake.

Jody, are you ready yet?

Okay.

On three.

One, two...

HARRIET: Why, hi.

I'm Ha- - We know who you are.

Three! Here's pie in your eye.

- Why, I never.

Mmm, detergent.

- Looks like the Grim Reaper got his just desserts.

- Jody, Judy, why did you just throw a detergent pie

in Harriet's face?

- Harriet?

You know the Grim Reaper by name and it's a woman?

Man, oh, man.

- That Grim Reaper was my date.

We were going to a costume ball.

What must've happened

was you misinterpreted what you heard earlier...

and thought I was dying

when actually I was just going to dye my hair

so I could meet a nice woman.

[AUDIENCE "AW"S IN SYMPATHY]

- Oh, Daddy, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions.

We were afraid of losing you like we lost Mommy.

- Oh, my twins, you'll never lose me.

Sure, I may have a few gray hairs,

which get even grayer the more you two pull

your teenage shenanigans, but heck, I'm only 35.

I'm going to be your father for years to come.

Oh, my twins, I love you so.

- Oh, Daddy, we love you so, too!

- Look who's here!

Man-crazy Smitty with big news!

Me and Iron are getting hitched!

Come on in, you stud, you!

- Hi everybody!

- It's like I'm seeing double.