All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E15

[♪♪♪]

- Joanna, would you step on it?

I have to be at the studio
in 15 minutes.

- I fixed the furnace
and re-insulated the pipes.

It's always fun to see
how many chores I can squeeze in

while Joanna does her makeup.

- It's a-always been a gas
for me too, George.

- Hey, Georgie,
our mini muffinette

had another milestone.

- She sucked my finger.

- And--and before that,
she--she spit up.

- Both--both momentous events.

- Boy, I'm never around
when history is made.

When Brooke Shields did her
first Bob Hope Easter special,

I was stuck in a donut shop

waiting for the buttermilks
to come out of the oven.

- Y-You missed a very funny
Peter Cottontail sketch.

- Damn, damn, damn.

- Hello, Stephanie.

- Henry.

Michael, Dick,
this is Henry Tashman,

one of Mummy and Daddy's
jaded lawyers.

- Gentlemen.

- Henry's in charge
of my clothing fund.

So, what brings you up
from Rhode Island?

- Your parents wanted to give
your precious baby a gift.

So they bought
a local property for her.

- Why?

There's nothing worth buying
around here.

Dick found out the hard way.

- Yeah, a good--good stiff wind

and we're u-under
a mountain of matchsticks.

- Is that true,
or is it a joke?

- It's a--it's a--it's a joke.

And not, uh, not--
not a very good one.

- Then why humiliate yourself
needlessly?

- Dick has this pathetic need
to be the center of attention.

- So what worthless piece
of property

is baby Stephie stuck with?

- Your baby is now the sole
owner of the local TV station,

WPIV.

- WPIV!

- I talked your parents
out of buying her CBS.

- Oh, Steph,
imagine, our bubeleh

will be a baby mogul
at six weeks.

- Michael, you also will have
a position at the station.

- Jumping mother of Moses,
you mean

this hombre is back
in the showbiz saddle?

- Oh, God, please no.

- According to the terms
of the gift,

your official title will be
that of figurehead.

- Figurehead!
Did you hear that, Steph?

I'm a figurehead!

- Oh, Michael, it's what
you've always dreamed of.

A meaningless title
with no responsibility.

- A-And you did it through
hard work a-and perseverance.

Henry, s-since Michael is going
to be an impotent figurehead,

who--who is going to make
all the decisions?

- Why, my baby of course.

- The center of
the stinking universe.

- Oh sweetie, you've made
Mommy and Daddy so proud.

Yes, you have.

Oh yes, you have.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Would, uh, would one of you
mind telling me

how a baby who can't talk
i-is going to run a TV station?

- Steph, give this
doubtin' Loudon

a sample of how
our cuddly one communicates.

- Is this expensive
Scottish cashmere?

Yes or no?

[BABY GIGGLES]

See?

She's wiggling her feet,
that means no.

- When she means yes,
she does this.

- Well, that will certainly
inspire confidence

at WPIV board meetings.

Cut it out, Michael.

- Okay, honey, we can go now.

I'll do my final touch-up
in the car.

- Hey, Jo-Jo, guess what?

My illustrious in-laws

have gifted our golden child
with WPIV.

From now on,
your show and Dick's

will be part of the baby
Stephanie broadcasting network.

- The baby is going to
run the station?

- That means yes.

- Hey, it's Mikey Harris.

You guys remember him.

Oh, sure you do.

He's the obnoxious little guy
who had a bright future here

until it all came crashing down
on his head.

- On his head.

That's a good one, Pauley.

- Paul, there's something
you should know.

- Stephanie's parents bought PIV
and gave it to the baby.

It's nuts, but...
the kid is your boss.

[CREW MURMURS ENDEARMENTS]

- You want it all at once

or every day
for the rest of your life?

- Every day sounds good.

- Michael,
introduce baby Stephanie

to all her little workers.

- National brotherhood
of yokels.

- These are your cameramen
and soundmen.

This is Paul.

He was once a producer.

Now, he's your diaperman.

[CRIES]

- Hi, cutie pie.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Jo-Jo has to go
finish her makeup

so she can look pretty
for you on her show.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Boy, what a suck-up.

- Excuse me, someone
has to work around here.

ANNOUNCER:
In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont Today,
starring Dick Loudon.

Vermont Today

is a Baby Stephanie Harris
Production.

Brought to you by
the generosity of

the cutest baby
in the whole wide world.

Yes, she is.

Oh yes, she is.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Welcome to Vermont Today ,
I'm your host, Dick Loudon.

The only word that describes
my very special guest is well...

genius.

Hello, Roland Myers.

Father of modern
lawn furniture.

- Hi, Dick.

- Roland, I know the burning
question on everyone's mind is

how--how did you get the idea
for--for lawn furniture?

- Well, one August afternoon,
many years ago,

I was sitting on the grass
sipping lemonade

and I thought, "If only I had
something to sit on

like a regular person."

An hour later,
I built the first lawn chair.

- I've never seen the baby
shake her feet so vigorously.

- Do you think
our little darling

has deduced that Dick is drab?

- Well, she was bound to
find out sooner or later.

- I have an embarrassing
confession to make.

I didn't use foam
in my first cushion.

I used little chunks
of chopped-up wood.

[LAUGHS]

- And you revealed this
t-to the world on--on my show.

I-I gotta tell you, folks,
Vermont Today,

i-it just doesn't get
any better than this.

- And, of course,
I needed something

to put the lemonade on.

So that's why I invented
the lawn table.

- Fascinating.

Oh, damn, our--our time is up

and we've only--only just
scratched the surface.

I'd like to thank
my--my fascinating guest,

Roland Myers.

Remember, folks, transcripts
for today's show are available

but please,
only one to a family.

ANNOUNCER:
And we're out.

- Baby Stephanie
wants to see you, Dick,

and she's not happy.

No, she's not.
Oh no, she's not.

- Dick, this is so hard.

Uh...Baby Steph's firing you.

- She's what?

You're what?

[BABY CRIES]

- Well, don't think
it's easy for her.

But she has to ask herself,
why throw good money after bad?

- This--this is crazy!
A-After that amazing interview?

- Well, she just didn't respond
to the material.

She was also dying for you
to pick up the pace.

- The baby told you that?

- Well, not in so many words.

- Like none?

- She was kicking her feet
like crazy.

- And she had another way
of showing how she felt.

- You just couldn't pick up
the pace, could ya?

- I mean, I-I don't believe it.

I-I've had a-a TV show here
for--for seven years

and a-a kid wiggles her feet
and poops, and I-I'm out.

- Oh, sweetie.

Couldn't you give Dickie
another chance?

Say, a week to change
the direction of his show

so you like it?

[BABY VOCALIZES]

She's mulling.

- What if I don't want to change
the direction of my show?

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh, Dick, I wish
you hadn't said that.

Oh, Paul?

[BABY CRIES]

- Psst, Dick.

I'm not afraid to take
an unpopular position.

I like you.

That's why I'm giving you this.

- "A list of guests guaranteed
to appeal to Baby Steph."

Who's--who's Helen Badaglia?

- A wet nurse.

- You expect me
to interview a-a woman

wh-whose breasts are for hire?

- Dick, trust me.

Lean on me.

Those marketable mammaries
can be your meal ticket.

- Michael, you're a boob.

- Hi, I'm Larry.
This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother,
Darryl.

- Larry, is this important?

- As philosopher
Jean-Paul Sartre

once imparted to Darryl

in a French bistro
on the Left Bank,

nothing is really
that important.

Then he stiffed Darryl
with the bar tab.

But we're not here
to ramble existentially.

We're here to save Dick's show
from dying on the vine.

- My show is not dying.

- Of course, you're right.
We're wrong.

As long as he has
the steak knife in his hand,

we better humor him.

- I think you've already got
one foot off the ledge.

If the boys
allege to have a hedge

that'll give you an edge,
I'd like to hear it.

- [SIGHS] "A list of Darryl's
personal friends

"who could save Dick's show
from dying on the vine."

Billie Holiday.

Billie Holiday is--is dead.

- That explains why
she ain't had us over lately

for carrot cake
and sing-a-longs.

- Wait, here's someone
who is still with us.

George McGovern.

Senator George McGovern?

How--how did Darryl get to know
George McGovern?

- Well, due to his extraordinary
campaign strategies,

Darryl was responsible for
McGovern's landslide victory

in the '72 presidential
election.

- Guys, McGovern, uh, he sort of
lost to Nixon that year.

- Oh?

Well, I guess that explains
why Darryl hasn't been invited

to The White House for
carrot cake and sing-a-longs.

- Y-You could really get
George McGovern on my show?

- Whoa, Dick, what have we
been talking about?

The baby's not gonna relate
to a politico.

Unless, this McGovern,
does he do funny faces?

- Maybe you'd like it better
if he--if he wore a silly hat.

Or--or better yet,
dressed up as a pickle.

- Dick, it'll take
at least two weeks

to get a good
pickle costume made.

- And thank you so much
for the long-stemmed red roses.

I'll put them
right on the new wet bar

you had installed for me.

- Wet bar?

I don't even--I don't even
have a toilet!

- Thanks for booking
this politician guy, Dick.

Baby Stephanie's going to
have me working overtime.

- By the way, Pauley,

I left some wingtips
by your locker.

I stepped in something
this morning,

see what you can do.

ANNOUNCER:
In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont Today ,
starring Dick Loudon.

- Wel-Welcome--welcome
to--to Vermont Today .

I'm--I'm Dick Loudon,
and it's a privilege to have,

as my special guest,

the former senator from
South Dakota, George McGovern.

[CLAPPING]

Wel-Welcome, Senator.

- Thank you, Dick.
It's a pleasure to be here.

- You know, there's a--
there's a burning question

I-I've got to ask you.

What was it like to run f-for
president of the United States?

- Well, it was
a pretty interesting experience.

But it was also
a lot of hard work.

- Oh, I'll--I'll bet.

So, uh, so you're saying
that--that it was, uh...

it was interesting and, uh...

at--at the same time hard, uh,
hard work.

- That, uh...

that pretty well sums it up.

- Her feet are going
a mile a minute.

- Those two
don't jazz things up,

she's going to pull the plug.

- What's with that Dick?

I throw a wet nurse
in his face

and he doesn't even bite.

- Senator...

- Dick, we have to confab.

- Go away.

- Everything all right?

- Yes, yes.

This man, he just--he wants to
get your--your autograph.

He's a, uh, he's a-a liberal.

- Really?

He looks like
a shallow, self-centered,

materialistic yuppie to me.

- Thanks!

- Get off the stage.

- Dick,
the red flag's a-flying.

Now, if you don't pique
my infant's interest soon,

she'll have Buddy
pull the pluggy.

- You know, I-I'm sure
a-a lot of our younger viewers

would like to know
a-about your childhood.

When you were a kid,

did you ever think about
what it--what it would be like

to run for--for president
o-of the United States?

- I think I thought
it would be interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

- Wow!

Oh--oh my God. Uh...

- Is something wrong, Dick?

- I, uh...call me--call me
Dickie-poo.

- Dickie-poo?

- Or Dick-a-dee
or Dick-a-dile.

Dicky-wicky.

Just--just take your pickie.

- Well, uh, Dicky-wicky...

I thought maybe
we could talk about

the state of the union under
the present administration.

- Alrighty-roonie.

Can--can we, uh...

can--can we do it
while we--while we--we do this?

- What? Why are you
acting like this?

- Because it's fun!

- You, uh...

you have some medical problems?

- No, no, I'm just naturally
happy Dicky-wicky.

Come on, Georgy-worgy,
rub your tummy.

I'll--I'll be your best friend.

- You mean like this?

- Sen-Senator, uh,
pl-please stop.

- But this is fun!

- I'm, uh, I'm terribly sorry.

Look.

Some people encouraged me
to go after the youth market,

but, I mean,

if it means making a man
of your stature look idiotic,

I-I just--I just won't do it.

Now l-let's get back
to our political discussion.

How did your wife feel when you
decided to run f-for president?

- Well, I think
she found it interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

DICK: Well, uh, I see
we've run out of time.

This is, uh, this is Dick Loudon
thanking my guest,

Senator George McGovern,
and saying...

goodbye forever.

NEWS REPORTER:
And now the headlines.

A lot of really bad stuff
happened today.

But we don't want to hear
about that, do we?

No, no, no, we don't.

We want to hear happy stuff.

Well, Wittle Niki Learner caught
a wittle yellow butterfly today.

And it was sooooo pwetty.

And Niki was soooo happy.

- Boy, what a scoop!

Hi, Dick.

Sorry about the really bad stuff
that happened to you today.

The news reporter
said you'll probably be replaced

by Wittle Niki Learner.

- Well, we're all going to
miss Dick's show terribly.

But there is some good news.

The baby gave me a company car.

- Just for kissing up?

It's a mockery.

Where's the car?
Where's the car?

- Outside, wanna go for a spin?

- Oh, boy! Do I?

It's a mockery.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next,
Potty Patter

with your host,
Wittle Niki Learner .

- Oh, look who's here.

It's Dicky-wicky.

- It's Dick.
I had it legally changed back.

- We held a behind-closed-doors
session with Baby Stephie

and well, she's wavering.

- I don't care,
she's not my boss anymore.

- Fine, if you don't mind
losing your TV show.

Michael, come on, let's go
warm up the baby's bottle.

- We'll be right back.

Keep a peeper on our pisher.

[BABY GURGLES]

- I think
what you're doing is unfair.

[BABY GURGLES]

All right, all right,
maybe you...

maybe you do know what you like.

But, I mean, I'm aiming for
an audience who can,

you know, walk and talk.

[BABY GURGLES]

Well, s-sure, you know,

you can go on about
your--your--your demographics

and your--your TVQ.

But, I-I mean, th-there's room
f-for shows with substance.

[BABY GURGLES]

So you agree?

You know, I mean, you know,

th-there are enough dumb
programs on the air.

Like Joanna's.
[BABY LAUGHS]

But I--I think if you watched
Vermont Today regularly

you--you might grow to--to
like it.

Look, I-I don't want to take
any more of your time.

Can--can I have my--my show
or not?

[BABY GURGLES]

Oh, thanks, boss!

You're okay!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.