All language subtitles for Newhart S06E22

Good morning, George.

Oh. Hi.

George, are you okay?

Yeah.

Except I've just made one

of the most difficult decisions
of my life.

Dick, Joanna,

I'm giving up on the Red Sox.

Oh, I-- I thought you were gonna
go back to wearing

those regular jeans.

The Red Sox haven't won
the World Series since 1918.

They lost the World Series
in 1946 to St. Louis,

in 1967 to St. Louis,

in 1975 to Cincinnati,

and in 1986...
[ Sobbing ]

...to the Mets.

I'm sorry.

It's still hard for me to talk
about that one.

It was the, uh-- 6th game
of the World Series and the--

the Red Sox were ahead
by two runs

with two out in the bottom
of the 9th,

and nobody on and then the--

then the Mets scored three runs
on three hits,

two errors and a wild pitch
and went on to--

to win the Series.

Thanks for making me
relive it, Dick.

[ Clears throat ]
Sorry, George.

Well, they're not going
to do it to me again.

When spring training
starts in a week,

I'm no longer going to be
a Red Sox fan.

Well, you can say that,
George, but I don't--
I don't think it's--

you're gonna be able
to do it that easily.

Oh, no?

I'm going up to my room
right now

to take the cap off
my bedpost.

Wow, he is serious.

Hi, D, J, spin any good platters
recently?

[ Giggles ]

I'm going back to bed.

Stay right where you are,
kemo sabe,

and kemo sabette.

I've got news about the news.

[ Beeps like a news ticker ]
[ Chuckles ]

The WPIV news producer
is leaving,

and guess who Bev has asked
to fill in?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Dick.
It's me.

Michael, you're going
to produce the news?

Does that surprise you?

Well, I was hoping they'd--
they'd find someone who'd--

who'd actually watched
the news once.

Michael!

Steph! Oh!
I've got news.

[ Beeps like a news ticker ]

Well, if I hadn't done it,
he would've.

You're looking
at the new producer

of the WPIV news.

Oh, Michael,
you've been demoted.

No, it's like an honor.

Michael, an honor is supposed
to involve something shiny.

Besides, what do you know
about the news?

You don't know anything,
do you?

Well, no.

Oh, good.
Let's keep it that way.

I don't want you cluttering
your mind

with anything other than me.

Aw, Steph.

What if I produce the news
but don't pay any attention?

That's my Michael!

Well, I'd better get going.

The WPIV action news
needs me.

Michael, it--
it's called the news.

It doesn't have one of those
silly catch names.

It does now.

[ Giggles ]

Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me, everybody.

May I have your attention?

I'm your new producer,
Michael Harris.

[ Teletype machines printing ]

So what's news?
[ Chuckles ]

I'm Jim Vernon,
news editor.

This is Bruce Paisner,
our news writer.

Tape editor's Mike Wilcox.
Pete Dexter,

and I'm sure you know
the on-air people

from watching the program.

Why don't you just
introduce them for fun?

Ted Singer, Leslee Cooper,
and Jerry Zaks.

Nice-- nice to meet you all.

Except him in the back,
I'm not too sure about.

[ Giggles ]

[ Clears throat ]

Look, uh, I know when
somebody new comes in,

people are always concerned
there are gonna be

a lot of changes.

Well, I don't want you
to worry about that.

There are gonna be
a lot of changes,

I just don't want you
to worry about them.

[ Giggles ]

Now-- now, the first change

is you're not going to be
doing the news, sports,

and weather anymore.

You're going to be doing
action news, super-sports,

and accu-weather!

Let's put some pizzazz
into this thing.

[ Chuckles ]

And we need a catchy slogan.
I'm thinking,

"We're the news,
whenever you want it,

between 6 and 6:30."

And as far as theme music goes,

I think we need
something up tempo,

you know, something
you can dance to.

People oughta be able
to find out about the world

and shake their booty
at the same time.

Is Bev is town now?

Now, oh, on-air people,

I really want you
to play up the banter.

A good balance
is 70 percent banter,

30 percent news.

If you're too topical,

this thing's not gonna have
any syndication life.

[ Giggles ]

And why don't you act
like you're having

an affair with her?

And you! You pretend
you're real jealous.

Okay?
[ Giggles ]

This way, we'll be sure
to hook all the soap fans.

Hey, we just got an update
on that dock workers' strike.

Oh, let me see that.

The strike angle's okay,

but dock workers
aren't very upscale.

What if we made them, uh,
male exotic dancers, huh?

I'm sure the ladies would
much rather picture

a chorus line of hunks

than a picket line
of beer bellies.

Uh, you're kidding, right?
You can't change the news.

Dismount that high horse.

Mr. Harris,
let's run the story as is.

Okay, if you wanna be
limited by reality.

Uh, here's the rest of the copy
for tonight's show.

Good, now,

which one of you
is the anchorman?

I am.

You're better-looking.
You be the anchorman.

Now, one last thing,
when we open the show,

I want you all to run out
onto the set

and take your places, okay?

Except for you.
You sashay.

Look, uh, we gotta go
on the air now.

Well, that's what
we're here for, isn't it?

Well, I haven't quite figured
out what some of us

are here for yet, so...

Okay, break a leg, everybody!
Except for you, gal o' gams.

[ Chuckles ]

[ News intro music ]

They call this danceable?

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to The Channel 8 News.

Hey, they didn't run in.

TED: Good evening,
I'm Ted Singer.

Oh, no, they went
with the ugly guy.

In the news tonight,
the Contra Aid Bill was--

They're not gonna do
what you wanted.

No self-respecting
news team would.

Oh, is that the kind
I got stuck with?

TED: The senate approved...

Why don't you watch
what we do,

and then we can talk a little
about what changes

we might wanna make?

TED: And locally,
we'll look at preparations

for the upcoming
Spring Festival,
and in sports,

Jerry Zaks reports

that George Utley has given up
on the Red Sox.

Now let's turn
to the international scene.

In London today,

a 14-year-old boy turned in
his parents as Russian spies.

Scotland Yard reports that
the couple is being detained

for questioning
after classified documents

were discovered
in their Kensington flat.

Oh, Dick, can you help me?

Spring training
starts Wednesday,

and I still have trouble

picking out a new team
to root for.

Well, it shouldn't be hard,
George.

Um, how about the-- the Twins?

They won the World Series
last year.

Yeah, I thought of them, Dick,

but I don't want it to look

like I'm just jumping
on the bandwagon.

How about the Montreal Expos?

Well, I can't figure out
their hat, Dick.

See there?

Is that supposed to be an M,

or are they trying
to spell out Expos?

I-- I don't know.

Uh, how about the, uh--
the Toronto Blue Jays?

Dick, are you kidding?

[ Laughs ]

I can't root for a team
named after blue jays.

They always take all
the other birds' food.

Well, I'm gonna go give it
some more thought on my own.

You haven't been much help.

Hi, Dick.

Oh, hi, Michael.

I haven't seen you
for a couple days.

Not-- not that I'm complaining.

Well, I have been
pretty busy lately.

And what with the primaries
heating up,

and all the concern
about the deficit.

Not to mention everything
that's going on

in the Middle East.

What do you think
about this Gulf of Sidra thing?

Michael?

Michael, am--
am I hallucinating,

or were you just talking
about current events?

Dick, it's incredible.

It-- it's like a whole new world
is opening up to me.

I'm learning so much
working in that news room.

I mean,

did you know there have been
two world wars?

Of course.

Gee, Dick, you could tell a guy.

I mean, my life used to be
just me and Stephanie,

and when I was forced to, you.

But now, dealing with the news,

I know about people
all over the place, and Dick,

I even care
about some of them.

-Michael.
-Steph.

Aren't you a little tall
for someone

who hasn't seen me
in two days?

That's better.

Steph, I apologize for not
seeing you much lately,

but so much has happened
in the last few days.

Producing the news
has opened my eyes

to so many things.

Tell her. Tell her, Dick.

He knows
about the world wars.

Huh?

Yeah, World War One
and the sequel.

And that's not all.

I-- I've learned
about other countries

an--and about our system
of government and--

Did you know Camp David
isn't a place for the kiddies?

Michael, what have you done
to yourself?

You promised you wouldn't
pay attention.

I know. Can you ever forgive me?
Please? Please?

Well, I guess I can try.

What's that on your hands?

[ Gasps ]

That isn't... newsprint?

Well, Steph, it's better
than lipstick on my collar.

Michael, another woman
I could crush and humiliate,

but I don't know
how to deal with this.

Steph, listen to me,

just because there are
world events in my thinker

doesn't mean that you're not
still number one in my thumper.

Oh, Michael,

when you talk like that,

it just does something
to me inside.

Yeah, me too.

Wash your hands twice,
and I'll let you take me out.

I-- I can't. I-- I've--

I've gotta go produce the news.

Again?

Well, that's one thing
about the news.

From what I can see,
it happens daily.

-But, Michael--
-I gotta go,

my cute correspondent.

-Oh, no.
-[ Door closing ]

Someone has taken my Michael
and replaced him

with his evil, informed twin.

Is this guy great or what?

Dick.

Michael, that was
without a doubt

the best Vermont Today
we've ever done.

I-- I don't think the--
the toxic waste issue

has-- has been examined

in more depth
than we did today.

And it's-- it's all because of--
because of Michael here.

This is a pretty big change
for you, Michael.

Well, JoJo, you know,

it's good to know you're doing
something really important.

And-- and now, you know,

when I'm working
on some of the other shows,

I produce like Bowling for Eggs

or
Let's Make People Turn Red ,

somehow they seem...
almost silly.

But I'm trying to make
some changes in them too.

Yeah. I saw the Pearl's Kitchen
where she mixed

the chocolate pudding
with the vanilla pudding

and then said, "If only the
world could be like this."

-You know, it's a step.
-JOANNA: Huh.

Steph, aren't you even
gonna say hi?

Hi.

I know things haven't been
the same between us lately,

Steph of my heart,

but I did bring you
a present and...

I hope you can find it
within yourself

to-- to accept it.

Well, okay.

At least you haven't lost
all of your good qualities.

[ Chuckles ]

Is this what I think it is?

Remember when I promised
you the world?

Well, here it is!

And-- and see?

Here's Latin America, where a
lot of my language comes from.

And here's Nicaragua,

where the Sandinistas
are battling the Contras.

And-- and-- and over here,
here's-- here's the Middle East,

where they-- they always seem
to be fighting over something.

Michael, stop it!

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Quick, show me the Riviera.

There.

Well, I-- I better go see
what happened here today.

All right, I think we should
lead with the hostage
story and then--

then into the
Persian Gulf story.

What do you think, Jim?

I agree.

Ted?

Why don't you tune in
in a few minutes

and see what I think?

[ Laughing ]

Michael, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just--

I'm kinda tired, I think.

If it'd perk you up at all,

we could run
onto the set tonight?

That's okay.

News is starting to get to you
a little bit, isn't it?

Well, I-- I never used to know
about any of this stuff.

It's a lot to get hit with
all at once.

I know I'm a better person
for knowing it,

but part of me
still wishes I didn't.

I guess somehow,

the world seems
like a nicer place

when you don't know
what's going on in it.

You know, Michael,

I never thought I'd say this

after that first day
of yours here,

but, uh, you're doin'
a good job.

Thanks.

That means a lot
coming from you.

Doesn't it?

[ Turns TV on ]

TED: Good evening.
These are the stories

making the headlines
at this hour.

A gunman is holding
people hostage

at a bank in Illinois.

Fighting has broken out again
in the Persian Gulf.

And locally, a fire in
Burlington leaves two
people homeless.

Details on these
and other stories--

-[ Turns TV dial ]
-ROCKY: But, Bullwinkle--

BULLWINKLE: Colonel Moose
to you, corporal.

ROCKY: Oh, boy.

BULLWINKLE: What direction
are we headin'?

ROCKY: South.

BULLWINKLE:
You mean sooth?

ROCKY: Yeah, sooth.
So what?

[ Chuckles ]

BULLWINKLE: This here plan
says we march noth.

Noth it is.

-NARRATOR: And with--
- [ Turns TV dial ]

TED: People who know the gunman
said he kept to himself

and seemed to be a nice guy.

Those are all the details
we have at this hour.

Stay tuned to Channel 8
for updates--

-[ Turns TV dial ]
-BULLWINKLE: Noth it is!

NARRATOR:
And with flags flying,

Bullwinkle began running toward
his own goal line.

[ Chuckles ]

Disaster was imminent,
but as fate would have it,

the clock suddenly marked
the end of the quarter.

What's the trouble?

BORIS: Now the teams change...

You know, I don't remember
Bullwinkle

being in the news today.

Oh. S--s--some kid just ran
in here and changed the station.

No, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

This is the one where Bullwinkle
plays football

for Wossamotta U.

[ Chuckles ]

You watch this?

[ Imitating Bullwinkle ]
I've been known to.

On occasion.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't you think
it's kind of silly?

Yeah, thank God.

I need silly after dealing
with the news all day.

Sometimes a little insanity

is just the thing
to keep you sane.

ROCKY: Do ya know that?

MAN: All I know is
this fellow behind me

has a gun aimed right
at my 50-yard-line.

ROCKY:
Bullwinkle, that feller's
intimidating a referee.

BULLWINKLE: Not very well.
He doesn't look like
one at all.

-ROCKY: No--
-[ Turns TV Dial ]

So how'm I doing tonight?

-Great.
- Good.

BULLWINKLE: Ladies or
no ladies, this is war!

George, I-- I thought you had
given up on the Red Sox.

I did, Dick. For a week there,
they were out of my life.

Then they played their first
spring training game on TV,

and you should've seen it,
Dick.

They were like
a whole new team!

I mean, they only lost
by two runs!

This could be their year!

George, you've been saying that
for 50 years.

Well, that's just the point,
Dick.

I mean, I've been rooting
for this team all my life.

What if I gave up on 'em
this year,

and then they won it all?

Then, how would I feel?

Pretty bad?

Boy, Dick, to you,
I'm an open book.

I'm gonna go put this back
on the bedpost.

You wanna come watch?

No, George, I--
I think this moment

should be between
a man and his cap.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Uh, just a minute,
hold on please.

Stephanie, telephone!

It's somebody named Chuck.

Hi, Chuck.

You own a convertible,
and you don't read the paper.

Well...
[ Sighs ]

...you're
certainly a possibility.
I'll let you know. Bye.

Stephanie, what are you doing?

Just putting out feelers.

I don't know how much longer
I can go on with

Mr. Eight Continents.

St-- uh, Stephanie,
it's seven continents.

[ Sighs ]

You, uh-- You were probably
counting Atlantis.

Stephanie, have you even tried
to relate to Michael

on his new level?

Well, I started to watch
the news last night,

but I couldn't get through it.

Why do people
that things happen

to look so bad?

I think you can make
a little more effort than that.

All right.

[ Sighs ]

Tell me one news item I can use
to talk to Michael.

One that's easy to remember
and won't make me go, "Ew".

And try to tell it to me fast,
or I'll get bored.

The-- the plight
of the homeless.

Oh, I just hope he appreciates
all I'm going through for him.

Well, if he doesn't,
he is one insensitive jerk.

Hi, all.

Oh.

Michael. Hi.

How about that plight
of the homeless, huh?

Yeah.

Well, that's the last time
I cram for a date.

Mich-- Michael, didn't you hear
what Stephanie said?

Uh-huh. But-- but I--
I don't care about

that news stuff anymore.

Oh, Michael, you're not
just saying that?

What happened?

Well, I was watching Bullwinkle

during the news,
and I had a revelation.

That-- that happens a lot
during Bullwinkle .

I found out that entertainment

is just as important
as the news!

I mean, after people hear about

all the terrible things
they do to each other,

they need something
to make them feel good again.

They-- they need to laugh.

That's where I come in, Dick.
I can do that.

Well, Michael, that's all fine,
but it--

it doesn't mean you can't
keep doing the news.

I think it does, Dick.

I--if I'm watching the news
too closely, I--

I might get too sad
to entertain.

I know that one story of Dick's
brought me down.

I think I'm just better off
watching things

like The Munsters , you know?

When Herman Munster
loses his job,

you're a little worried,

but you know he's gonna
get it back

by the end of the episode.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, I just wish the news
were more like that.

You know, more happy endings.

Michael,
say this doesn't mean that...

I won't be interviewing
the governor this weekend.

I, uh--

I think we're better off with
Herbie the Fire-eater, Dick.

I mean, after the heavy show
we did last week,

he'll be a breath
of fresh and hot air.

[ Giggling ]

I-- I hope you're not
too disappointed, Dick.

To be honest, it was nice
having you proud of me.

I-- I think I'm gonna miss that.

Michael, bring the governor back

and-- and I'll be strutting
like a peacock.

Sorry, Dick. Not worth it.

So, Steph,
I'm free to be you and me.

Oh, Michael.

Just promise me one thing,

that you'll never get involved
with human suffering again.

You got it, Steph.

-[ Sighs ]
-[ Laughs ]

Dick,

let me know

how that hostage thing
turns out, okay?

[ Door closing ]

Well, Michael's back
to the way he was,

George is still a Red Sox fan,
so all's right with the world.

Meow.