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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,432 Uh, Stephanie? 2 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:11,603 Yes? 3 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,472 Uh, I thought I asked for a cheese omelet. 4 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,507 There-- There's no cheese in here. 5 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,442 Did you look? Maybe it's further in. 6 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,377 Stephanie. 7 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:22,046 [ Sighs ] 8 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,655 Good morning, guys. Notice anything different? 9 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,159 Not with the naked eye. 10 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,895 I'm carrying the new morning paper. 11 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,931 Well, you-- you do have that glow. 12 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,003 County Morning News. 13 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,472 Gee, they must've-- 14 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,940 they must've pulled an all-nighter 15 00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,276 to come up with that-- that masthead. 16 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,679 It's real thick, and it's got all this extra stuff. 17 00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:56,047 Those are sections, George. 18 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,117 You know, this paper carries Mary Worth ? 19 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,119 And she still looks the same. 20 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:05,690 Does she know how to take care of herself or what? 21 00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:07,225 What's-- What's the headline? 22 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,761 "Mrs. Betty Atwater trucking to Tyville 23 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,429 with sister this morning." 24 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,165 Why, it's nothing but a scandal sheet. 25 00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,302 "We'll probably do some shopping," says Betty. 26 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,172 "No doubt she'll be getting a perm as well," argue experts. 27 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,643 Okay, here's your cheese omelet. 28 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,813 Stephanie, um, don't you think it would taste better 29 00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:30,748 if the cheese sli� 30 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,153 I don't think so. 31 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,657 Stephanie, we have a new morning paper. 32 00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:39,957 Ew! I'm not touching it. 33 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,126 World events gets your hands all icky and black. 34 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,498 Well, that's what kept me out of the political arena. 35 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,766 Oh, look, Dick, it's got 36 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,603 an entertainment / livestock section. 37 00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:56,541 Hey, there's a review of Vermont Today 38 00:02:56,577 --> 00:03:00,144 by some guy, Curtis Bilgray. 39 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,346 What-- What does it say? 40 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:03,648 Uh, says-- 41 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,651 Whoa. 42 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,054 Is-- Is it-- Is it good? 43 00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:11,956 Well, look, honey, 44 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,891 what does some stupid Vermont pencil pusher 45 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,160 know about local talk shows anyway? 46 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,862 Besides, we all love you. 47 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,198 But-- But is it good? 48 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:22,567 [ Clears throat ] 49 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,840 "If any of you suffer from the agony of insomnia, 50 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,175 fear not. 51 00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:33,511 I have the cure: 52 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,848 Dick Loudon of Vermont Today . 53 00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:42,854 Uh, Dick Loudon, the alleged host, 54 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:44,756 [ Clears throat ] 55 00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,924 has all the charisma of peat moss. 56 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:53,431 Let's see-- irritating-- irritating shifty eyes. 57 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,569 Continued on page 12, see... 58 00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,371 'Bore'." 59 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,777 Dick, don't pay any attention. He doesn't know what he's saying. 60 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,245 Although he says it well. 61 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:12,917 Hi. 62 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:18,490 I'm Larry, 63 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:19,758 this is my brother Darryl, 64 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,160 and this is my other brother Darryl. 65 00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:25,129 Oh, I guess you've perused the diatribe. 66 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,432 Don't worry. 67 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:28,300 As you can tell, 68 00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:30,034 we're not ashamed to be seen with ya. 69 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:32,737 And-- And vice, um-- 70 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,640 Thanks. Thanks, guys. 71 00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:41,546 The reason we're here is, well, eureka. We hit pay dirt. 72 00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:42,880 Larry, what happened? 73 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,417 Well, last night when Darryl here was... 74 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,052 whippin' up a batch of pancakes for the mornin', 75 00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,487 and they started blisterin', 76 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:52,691 Darryl noticed that one of 'em started to form an eerie likeness 77 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,826 to one of our greatest historical figures. 78 00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:56,761 Who? 79 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:57,595 Paul Anka. 80 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:02,400 It's as plain as the shifty eyes on your face. 81 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,538 Gaze upon the mystical flapjack. 82 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:12,243 It-- It looks... just like a-- a pancake. 83 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,448 Wait, wait. Does Paul Anka have a beard? 84 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,949 Oops, pocket fuzz. 85 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:18,650 [ Spits ] 86 00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,455 This is the biggest thing to happen to us 87 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,256 since Darryl had mud splashed on him 88 00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:26,491 by a motorin' Tom Bosley. 89 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,193 Or was it David Doyle? 90 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,965 Anyway, we bet Paul Anka will... 91 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,236 plug in special lyrics for My Way in our honor. 92 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,673 We'd be obliged if you'd spread the word of our blessed vision. 93 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,441 But not until we've had time 94 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,511 to gear up for the onslaught of curiosity-seekers. 95 00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:49,514 Uh, guys, I'd-- I'd put a hold on that-- on that gearing up. 96 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,350 Uh, to tell you the truth, I-- I don't see anything. 97 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,085 Wow, Paul Anka! 98 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,297 Okay. I fixed the leg on the wooden bird. 99 00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:07,298 Oh, good. 100 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,133 I was afraid we were gonna have to shut down. 101 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,804 [ Clears throat ] 102 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,373 Uh, George, can I read your, uh, County Morning News ? 103 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,275 Yeah, but don't disappear with it. 104 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,244 I'm sort of wrapped up in that Betty Atwater story. 105 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:24,582 It-- It seems she slammed uh, the car door 106 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:25,717 on her sister's coat 107 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,919 and dragged the hem all the way to Tyville. 108 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,389 I think I smell a Pulitzer. 109 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,926 Dick, you still wanna read that rag 110 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,428 even after that review? 111 00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,430 Joanna, I'm not-- I'm not gonna hold a grudge. 112 00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:39,764 Oh, look, there's another review. 113 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,600 Let's see who he sinks his teeth into today. 114 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,101 Oops, it's you again, Dick. 115 00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,541 "Last time I wrote a less-than-glowing review 116 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,976 of Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon. 117 00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,578 Thinking that I might... 118 00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:53,912 have been... 119 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,348 unfair to base my judgment on one viewing, 120 00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,451 I watched some tapes of past shows... 121 00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:03,387 and it is with head bowed in shame 122 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,956 that I report I was wrong." 123 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:05,657 Ah! 124 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,293 "I let Loudon off easy. 125 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,500 I didn't even scratch the surface 126 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,036 of banality and sheer dullness... 127 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,038 that is Vermont Today. " 128 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:25,443 Uh, uh, this-- this is insane. I-- I can't-- can't read anymore. 129 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,612 "Worst of all is his habit-- 130 00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,248 --is his habit of sitting. 131 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,685 When Dick Loudon sits in a chair, 132 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,555 one is instantly reminded of a koala bear 133 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,191 propped up on Johnny Carson's desk 134 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,527 during a visit by Joan Embery. 135 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,830 Next issue: 136 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,367 Dick Loudon, the voice that makes your ears bleed." 137 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:54,305 I think he's starting to exaggerate now, Dick. 138 00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:57,108 Oh, honey. 139 00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:58,142 Hi. 140 00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:03,615 -Hi. -Oh, hi, Jim. Hi, Chester. 141 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,984 We saw that review, Dick. 142 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,419 Just think, all this time we've been watching your show, 143 00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,054 we didn't know it wasn't any good. 144 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,192 But we want you to know 145 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,495 that we still watch Vermont Today. 146 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,363 We just pull the shades down. 147 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:22,600 Yeah. It's become a guilty pleasure. 148 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,872 Did, uh-- Did you guys come over here 149 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,841 just to pour salt in the wounds? 150 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:33,978 No. We were in the neighborhood to see the pancake. 151 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,613 It's awesome, Dick. 152 00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:39,984 Just think: Paul Anka's face in our town. 153 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,452 Everyone's all abuzz. 154 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,488 Let's go back and see it again. 155 00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,459 My ears are okay. How about yours? 156 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,728 Oh, my! 157 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,101 Well, that does it. 158 00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,370 I'm gonna go to the paper and confront that critic. 159 00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,573 Dick, do you think that's a good idea? 160 00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:03,407 Honey, I know how to handle this. 161 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,577 When I was in fourth grade, there was this bully, 162 00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:06,911 and he wouldn't stop picking on me, 163 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,746 and he-- he pushed me down and he'd take my lunch, 164 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,748 but I-- I put an end to that. 165 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:11,148 How? 166 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:14,151 I... brought two lunches. 167 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,556 Dick, I don't think that strategy's gonna work with this critic. 168 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,158 Honey, you didn't let me finish. Then I brained him with Chunky. 169 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:27,799 [ Door closes ] 170 00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:36,074 [ Door closes ] 171 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,020 I'll be with you in a minute. 172 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,122 Oh. Oh, I see. I see your... 173 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,992 busy destroying someone else's life. 174 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:55,994 I'll, uh-- I'll wait. 175 00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,965 Wait a minute. Don't I know you? 176 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,133 I'm Dick Loudon. 177 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,968 Oh, yes. 178 00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,971 Yes, I thought I felt the charisma level 179 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,106 of the building plummet. 180 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,077 Look, I'm not here to pick a fight. 181 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,779 All I wanna know is why you're-- 182 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:17,615 you're running this-- this smear campaign against me. 183 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,752 It's nothing personal, Mr. Loudon. I just think you're awful. 184 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,355 I mean, I'm just doing my job as you're doing... 185 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,823 [ Clears throat] ...yours. 186 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,192 Well, isn't-- I mean, isn't there something else 187 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,694 you could trash besides my show? 188 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,561 Oh, believe me, Mr. Loudon, 189 00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:31,863 if I thought there was something worse, 190 00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:32,830 I'd leave you alone. 191 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,000 [ Typewriter typing ] 192 00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:39,771 Have-- Have you seen, uh, Pearl of Pearl's ...? 193 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,239 [ Clears throat ] 194 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,708 Ne-- never mind. What, uh-- 195 00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,476 What is it? I mean, why-- Why me? 196 00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:47,679 Look, well, here's the thing. Uh, sit down. 197 00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:49,047 I'll avert my eyes. 198 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,786 You see, Mr. Loudon, I get paid to hate. 199 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,155 I mean, that's my speciality. I mean, it's what I do. 200 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,258 When I was working in Syracuse, single-handedly, I closed 201 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,960 Connie Stevens and Tommy Smothers 202 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:03,861 in Bus Stop . 203 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,964 You're the devil incarnate. 204 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,669 And somehow your show opened up a well of hate within me that... 205 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,038 [ Chuckles ] I just didn't know I had. 206 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,472 Look at this way, Loudon: 207 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,107 I'm a kid, 208 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,742 you're a candy store. 209 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,078 You know what I think? 210 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,580 I think you are a bitter, 211 00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:26,517 twisted, vindictive, frustrated coot 212 00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:28,252 who takes some sort of perverse pleasure 213 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:29,486 in trying to destroy 214 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,322 innocent and hard-working people. 215 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,025 I mean, it-- it is guys like you... 216 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,060 [ Sobbing ] 217 00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:42,133 ...who-- who-- who weep at-- at the drop of a... 218 00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,337 [ Sobbing ] 219 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,272 What-- What are-- What are you doing? 220 00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,040 Crying. 221 00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,008 [ Sobbing ] 222 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,309 Well-- Well, quit it. 223 00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,245 [ Sniffs ] I can't. 224 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,114 It's always like this when somebody yells at me. 225 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,082 I mean, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right. 226 00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:58,950 I'm swill. 227 00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,118 [ Sobbing ] 228 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,653 Oh, come on. It's-- 229 00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:04,722 It's not always-- always that bad. 230 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,689 [ Sobbing ] 231 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:09,293 I-- I like some things in-- in your reviews. 232 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,394 Oh, you're just saying that. 233 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:11,195 [ Sobbing ] 234 00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,430 Well, yeah, but... 235 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,001 [ Sobbing ] 236 00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:18,169 Here. 237 00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,004 Blow-- Blow your nose. 238 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,538 [ Sniffs ] 239 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,775 You would use single--ply. 240 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:26,677 [ Sobbing ] 241 00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,579 Right, now-- Now are you okay? 242 00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:29,580 Yes, I guess so. Thank you. 243 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,483 But I'm not gonna stop my reviews. 244 00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:34,551 What? 245 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,719 I'm gonna go on trashing you 246 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,089 till I've driven you off the airwaves. 247 00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,057 And there's nothing you can do about it. 248 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:40,958 [ Sniffs ] 249 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:41,993 Oh, yeah? 250 00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,395 Well, next time I'll be back. 251 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,730 And I'll be packing a Chunky! 252 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:10,955 [ Door closing ] 253 00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:14,758 Pancake people, I thought I told you 254 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,828 not to snake your line over our lawn! 255 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,631 And you've got two seconds to fold up those pup tents! 256 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,039 Honey, has the 'Morning News come yet? 257 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,473 I haven't seen it. 258 00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:33,211 Uh, George, have you seen the-- the 'Morning News ? 259 00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,646 Uh, n-- uh, no. 260 00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:41,052 Well, I could've-- I could've sworn I saw it outside. 261 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:44,355 Maybe one of the pancake people used it to start their hibachi. 262 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:46,958 By the way, Dick, 263 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,727 I just want you to know that I think being with you 264 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,864 is nothing at all like watching time-lapse photography 265 00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,065 of a guy washing his feet. 266 00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:59,203 Okay, where's the paper? 267 00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,044 "Yesterday, I was paid a visit by Dick Loudon, 268 00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:12,316 and I can gleefully report that he is as tiresome in person 269 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,052 ...as on TV. 270 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,489 He is to television what... 271 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,559 how-to books are to literature. 272 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,029 Ha! The joke's on-- 273 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,000 Well, actually, it's still kinda on you, isn't it, Dick? 274 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,109 Uh, Dick, before you go on, 275 00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,544 I've done some market research on this Bilgray. 276 00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:43,180 Michael, how-- how do you do market research on one guy? 277 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,615 We slipped into his office. 278 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,017 Where there's a will, there's a window. 279 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,218 [ Giggles ] 280 00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:50,087 Now, I've made up a list of his top 10 fave raves, 281 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,789 which we can, oh, so subtly work into the show. 282 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,058 So, here, slip on this Mike Nesmith Monkee hat. 283 00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:58,229 Michael, I'm not gonna change just to please some... 284 00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,763 raving lunatic hack! 285 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:00,898 Okay, Dick. 286 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,868 Mi-- Michael, where's my chair? 287 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,337 Now, Dick, you do realize if you have a chair, 288 00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:08,306 you're gonna have to sit, and that's prime Bilgray bait. 289 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,141 I mean, we have to throw him one bone. 290 00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,875 Michael, I want my chair back. 291 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,177 Fine, Dick. 292 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,746 Might as well paint a bulls-eye on your bottom. 293 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,682 Which isn't a bad idea, because he is an archery nut. 294 00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:20,084 -Michael... -Say no more, Dick. 295 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:21,652 I'm used to smoke pouring out of my engines 296 00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:23,421 when I pitch ideas to you. 297 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,556 So I've come up with a completely opposite strategy. 298 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,690 If you can't join 'em, 299 00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:27,891 fight 'em. 300 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,061 What-- What-- What are you saying? 301 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,896 Give that Bilgray bilge-wad a taste of his own medicine. 302 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:33,630 Here. 303 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,132 Feast your 20/20s on this baby. 304 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,437 "Curtis Bilgray... 305 00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:41,072 is a fatty?" 306 00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:44,442 Whoa, it's even more stinging out loud. 307 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:49,213 Michael, I am not gonna stoop to such childish, petty depths. 308 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,216 I'm gonna go out there and do my-- my regular show. 309 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:52,916 Okay, Dick. 310 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,651 Have a good one. 311 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:58,389 [ Humming "Taps" ] 312 00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,690 [ Vermont Today theme music ] 313 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:00,824 ANNOUNCER: And now it's Vermont Today , 314 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,194 starring Dick Loudon. 315 00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,062 Hey, who gave him back his chair? 316 00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,066 [ Clears throat ] 317 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,108 Hi. I'm-- I'm, uh, 318 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,978 [ Clears throat ] I'm-- I'm Dick-- I'm Dick Loudon, 319 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:25,082 and on today's show we-- we will, uh-- 320 00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,386 We'll be, uh... 321 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:30,787 Look, I-- 322 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:35,592 I just wanna say that a certain person in this town has-- 323 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:37,561 has been taking pot shots at me and I... 324 00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,065 I personally refuse to-- to stoop to his... 325 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,302 Curtis Bilgray's a big fatty! 326 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,078 Dick, I did not say today's show was awful. 327 00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:54,912 Yes, you did. 328 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,013 No, I didn't. 329 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,515 I just think that you may have gone 330 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,950 a little bit over the line by staging that 331 00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,353 "Why Bilgray makes me sick" contest. 332 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,323 Honey, the guy is continuously ripping me apart 333 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,591 in-- in the press. 334 00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:10,361 And I'm sure everyone in town feels it's only fair that-- 335 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,229 that I use my show as a-- 336 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,864 as a forum to fight back. 337 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:17,168 Dick. 338 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:21,072 We just watched Vermont Today . 339 00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:22,506 Pretty low blow. 340 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,242 For shame, for shame. 341 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,412 Well, maybe not the whole town. 342 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,982 It's one thing what he did to you in the press. 343 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,151 But to call a man a "fatty". 344 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,590 To hear that kind of language coming out of the set. 345 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,991 And on a Sunday. 346 00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,695 We finally get a first-rate critic in town, 347 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,530 and you have to badmouth him. 348 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,566 He called me "The Video Sandman." 349 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,001 And don't forget "The Human Anesthetic." 350 00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:52,903 And "The King of Coma." 351 00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:54,271 Okay, okay! 352 00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,742 Yeah, but, Dick, he's only one person, 353 00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:02,846 and you're an inn-keeping, how-to book-writing, 354 00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:05,382 TV-starring conglomerate. 355 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,320 Another case of a big corporation stepping on a little guy. 356 00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:12,956 I'm not a corporation. 357 00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:19,263 Mr. Loudon, I came as soon as I saw the show, 358 00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,232 and my eyes weren't too teary to drive. 359 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,169 Oh, so you must be that low life Bilgray. 360 00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,203 Charmed, I'm sure. 361 00:18:27,406 --> 00:18:29,906 Gee, you sure can't fault him on his manners. 362 00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:33,377 You're Curtis Bilgray? 363 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:34,811 He's not fat. 364 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:40,083 So not only was it shocking to hear, but it wasn't even true. 365 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,553 Oh, double for shame. 366 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,656 Look, excuse me, gentlemen, excuse me, 367 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,791 but I really don't need the help of two country bumpkins 368 00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,826 to get satisfaction from the likes of Loudon. 369 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,497 Wait a minute, that sounds like an insult. 370 00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,936 I didn't think you'd pick up on that till next Tuesday. 371 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,574 And that was probably another one. 372 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,577 Boy, he's mean! 373 00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:09,780 I told ya. 374 00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:12,749 You know, maybe I was wrong to concentrate on you, Loudon. 375 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,652 It seems this whole town is full of people 376 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,354 ripe for my special sort of ridicule. 377 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,456 Maybe I could make it a regular feature: 378 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,325 "This week in Boob-Ville." 379 00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,928 Uh-oh. Now we're in trouble. 380 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,130 What are we going to do to stop him? 381 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,600 That's the problem. There's nothing we can do. 382 00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:32,102 He's right, you know. You're all quite powerless. 383 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:39,376 Wait a minute. Chester, aren't you the mayor? 384 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,911 That's right, I am. 385 00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:41,612 [ Chuckles ] 386 00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:43,480 What does that mean? 387 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,817 Well, it means you can get him back 388 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,719 by passing laws and stuff. 389 00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:49,420 Yeah. 390 00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,154 Like what? 391 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,189 Well, you know, 392 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:54,124 something to make his life here a living hell. 393 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,961 Or at least real annoying. 394 00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:02,333 Like, I could pass a law making wherever he parks 395 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,900 a tow-away zone. 396 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,969 What about making it so that wherever he lives, 397 00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,871 people can come in and use his phone? 398 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,410 And-- And-- And we could make it illegal to-- 399 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,480 to write bad reviews about Sunday talk show hosts. 400 00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,682 Oh, come on, Dick. These have to be real. 401 00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,786 Oh, look, look, this is all absurd. 402 00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,788 Now, look, try to follow this. 403 00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:26,089 Even though you are the mayor, 404 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,091 I know you can't put anything into law 405 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,827 without supporting votes from the town council. 406 00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,429 Well, that's-- that's true, but, uh, 407 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,966 we may just have enough 408 00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:39,403 town council members in this room to-- 409 00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:40,437 to make a quorum. 410 00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:44,007 All those in favor of passing the Bilgray Act 411 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:46,410 signify by raising your hand and saying, "Aye." 412 00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:47,344 Aye! 413 00:20:49,047 --> 00:20:53,617 Well, gee, Mr. Bilgray, is that your blue car out there? 414 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:54,752 George, 415 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:58,756 why don't you go and call Armentrout Towing Service? 416 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:02,893 Dick, uh, should I use our phone or just head over to Bilgray? 417 00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:06,330 Fine. 418 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,865 Fine, well, yes, I can take a hint. 419 00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,401 I don't have to be hit over the head. 420 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:11,134 Too bad. 421 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,072 You're not the only country bumpkins in the sea. 422 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,208 I shall simply ...find another town. 423 00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:20,110 Oh, and Loudon, 424 00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:21,978 this country inn of yours: 425 00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:23,414 gauche. 426 00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:24,114 [ Sniffs ] 427 00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:26,950 Fatty! 428 00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:38,562 Hi. 429 00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:43,200 I'm Larry. 430 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:44,335 This is my brother Darryl, 431 00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:46,437 and this is my other brother Darryl. 432 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:49,139 Our limelight days have come to a screechin' halt. 433 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,810 And I guess it's true that you see the same people 434 00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:54,678 on the way down the ladder as going up, 435 00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:56,613 'cause here you are. 436 00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:00,517 Well, what happened? 437 00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:01,652 See, 438 00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:04,154 Darryl here in one of his night-feeding frenzies 439 00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,188 ate Paul Anka. 440 00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,560 By the time we got to the kitchen, 441 00:22:09,595 --> 00:22:10,761 all that was left 442 00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:13,797 was Paul's distinctive forehead in a pool of maple syrup. 443 00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:19,336 I don't know whether to laugh or run screaming into the woods. 444 00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:24,007 This must be a big blow to your plans. 445 00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:27,077 Well, actually, we were getting a little sick of hearing 446 00:22:27,112 --> 00:22:29,246 that endless loop of "Having My Baby." 447 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,949 But we haven't taken this lying down. 448 00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,217 Show 'em the lamb chop, Darryl. 449 00:22:37,155 --> 00:22:38,555 Look, right there. 450 00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,457 The sturdy face of Joan Baez. 451 00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:45,529 I-- I see nothing. 452 00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:46,963 Darn. 453 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,166 Come on, Darryl, we better get back to the caf� 454 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:51,902 and let in the pancake mourners. 455 00:22:52,838 --> 00:22:54,738 Darryl here's leading the silent vigil. 456 00:23:03,081 --> 00:23:06,884 You know, I-- I think I'll always remember where I was 457 00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:09,520 when I heard that the Paul Anka pancake... 458 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:10,454 was eaten. 459 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,160 Meow. 41455

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