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1
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,432
Uh, Stephanie?
2
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:11,603
Yes?
3
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,472
Uh, I thought I asked
for a cheese omelet.
4
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,507
There-- There's
no cheese in here.
5
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,442
Did you look?
Maybe it's further in.
6
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,377
Stephanie.
7
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:22,046
[ Sighs ]
8
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,655
Good morning, guys.
Notice anything different?
9
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,159
Not with the naked eye.
10
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,895
I'm carrying the new
morning paper.
11
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,931
Well, you-- you do
have that glow.
12
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,003
County Morning News.
13
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,472
Gee, they must've--
14
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,940
they must've pulled
an all-nighter
15
00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,276
to come up with that--
that masthead.
16
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,679
It's real thick, and it's got
all this extra stuff.
17
00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:56,047
Those are sections, George.
18
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,117
You know, this paper
carries Mary Worth ?
19
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,119
And she still looks the same.
20
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:05,690
Does she know how to take care
of herself or what?
21
00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:07,225
What's-- What's the headline?
22
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,761
"Mrs. Betty Atwater
trucking to Tyville
23
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,429
with sister this morning."
24
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,165
Why, it's nothing
but a scandal sheet.
25
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,302
"We'll probably do some
shopping," says Betty.
26
00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,172
"No doubt she'll be getting
a perm as well," argue experts.
27
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,643
Okay, here's your cheese omelet.
28
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,813
Stephanie, um, don't you think
it would taste better
29
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:30,748
if the cheese sli�
30
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,153
I don't think so.
31
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,657
Stephanie, we have
a new morning paper.
32
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:39,957
Ew! I'm not touching it.
33
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,126
World events gets your hands
all icky and black.
34
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,498
Well, that's what kept me out
of the political arena.
35
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,766
Oh, look, Dick, it's got
36
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,603
an entertainment /
livestock section.
37
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:56,541
Hey, there's a review
of Vermont Today
38
00:02:56,577 --> 00:03:00,144
by some guy, Curtis Bilgray.
39
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,346
What-- What does it say?
40
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:03,648
Uh, says--
41
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,651
Whoa.
42
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,054
Is-- Is it-- Is it good?
43
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:11,956
Well, look, honey,
44
00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,891
what does some stupid
Vermont pencil pusher
45
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,160
know about local
talk shows anyway?
46
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,862
Besides, we all love you.
47
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,198
But-- But is it good?
48
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:22,567
[ Clears throat ]
49
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,840
"If any of you suffer
from the agony of insomnia,
50
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,175
fear not.
51
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:33,511
I have the cure:
52
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,848
Dick Loudon
of Vermont Today .
53
00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:42,854
Uh, Dick Loudon,
the alleged host,
54
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:44,756
[ Clears throat ]
55
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,924
has all the charisma
of peat moss.
56
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:53,431
Let's see-- irritating--
irritating shifty eyes.
57
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,569
Continued on page 12, see...
58
00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,371
'Bore'."
59
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,777
Dick, don't pay any attention.
He doesn't know what
he's saying.
60
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,245
Although he says it well.
61
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:12,917
Hi.
62
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:18,490
I'm Larry,
63
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:19,758
this is my brother Darryl,
64
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,160
and this is my other
brother Darryl.
65
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:25,129
Oh, I guess you've
perused the diatribe.
66
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,432
Don't worry.
67
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:28,300
As you can tell,
68
00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:30,034
we're not ashamed
to be seen with ya.
69
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:32,737
And-- And vice, um--
70
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,640
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
71
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:41,546
The reason we're here is, well,
eureka. We hit pay dirt.
72
00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:42,880
Larry, what happened?
73
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,417
Well, last night
when Darryl here was...
74
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,052
whippin' up a batch of pancakes
for the mornin',
75
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,487
and they started blisterin',
76
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:52,691
Darryl noticed that one of 'em
started to form an
eerie likeness
77
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,826
to one of our greatest
historical figures.
78
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:56,761
Who?
79
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:57,595
Paul Anka.
80
00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:02,400
It's as plain as the shifty eyes
on your face.
81
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,538
Gaze upon the mystical flapjack.
82
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:12,243
It-- It looks... just like a--
a pancake.
83
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,448
Wait, wait. Does Paul Anka
have a beard?
84
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,949
Oops, pocket fuzz.
85
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:18,650
[ Spits ]
86
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,455
This is the biggest thing
to happen to us
87
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,256
since Darryl had mud
splashed on him
88
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:26,491
by a motorin' Tom Bosley.
89
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,193
Or was it David Doyle?
90
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,965
Anyway, we bet
Paul Anka will...
91
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,236
plug in special lyrics
for My Way in our honor.
92
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,673
We'd be obliged if you'd spread
the word of our blessed vision.
93
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,441
But not until we've had time
94
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,511
to gear up for the onslaught
of curiosity-seekers.
95
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:49,514
Uh, guys, I'd-- I'd put a hold
on that-- on that gearing up.
96
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,350
Uh, to tell you the truth,
I-- I don't see anything.
97
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,085
Wow, Paul Anka!
98
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,297
Okay. I fixed the leg
on the wooden bird.
99
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:07,298
Oh, good.
100
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,133
I was afraid we were gonna
have to shut down.
101
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,804
[ Clears throat ]
102
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,373
Uh, George, can I read your, uh,
County Morning News ?
103
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,275
Yeah, but don't
disappear with it.
104
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,244
I'm sort of wrapped up
in that Betty Atwater story.
105
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:24,582
It-- It seems she slammed
uh, the car door
106
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:25,717
on her sister's coat
107
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,919
and dragged the hem
all the way to Tyville.
108
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,389
I think I smell a Pulitzer.
109
00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,926
Dick, you still wanna
read that rag
110
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,428
even after that review?
111
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,430
Joanna, I'm not-- I'm not
gonna hold a grudge.
112
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:39,764
Oh, look, there's
another review.
113
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,600
Let's see who he sinks
his teeth into today.
114
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,101
Oops, it's you again, Dick.
115
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,541
"Last time I wrote
a less-than-glowing review
116
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,976
of Vermont Today
starring Dick Loudon.
117
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,578
Thinking that I might...
118
00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:53,912
have been...
119
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,348
unfair to base my judgment
on one viewing,
120
00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,451
I watched some tapes
of past shows...
121
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:03,387
and it is with head
bowed in shame
122
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,956
that I report I was wrong."
123
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:05,657
Ah!
124
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,293
"I let Loudon off easy.
125
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,500
I didn't even scratch
the surface
126
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,036
of banality
and sheer dullness...
127
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,038
that is Vermont Today. "
128
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:25,443
Uh, uh, this-- this is insane.
I-- I can't-- can't read
anymore.
129
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,612
"Worst of all is his habit--
130
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,248
--is his habit of sitting.
131
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,685
When Dick Loudon
sits in a chair,
132
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,555
one is instantly reminded
of a koala bear
133
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,191
propped up
on Johnny Carson's desk
134
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,527
during a visit by Joan Embery.
135
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,830
Next issue:
136
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,367
Dick Loudon, the voice
that makes your ears bleed."
137
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:54,305
I think he's starting
to exaggerate now, Dick.
138
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:57,108
Oh, honey.
139
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:58,142
Hi.
140
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:03,615
-Hi.
-Oh, hi, Jim. Hi, Chester.
141
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,984
We saw that review, Dick.
142
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,419
Just think, all this time
we've been watching your show,
143
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,054
we didn't know
it wasn't any good.
144
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,192
But we want you to know
145
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,495
that we still watch
Vermont Today.
146
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,363
We just pull the shades down.
147
00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:22,600
Yeah. It's become
a guilty pleasure.
148
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,872
Did, uh-- Did you guys
come over here
149
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,841
just to pour salt in the wounds?
150
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:33,978
No. We were in the neighborhood
to see the pancake.
151
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,613
It's awesome, Dick.
152
00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:39,984
Just think: Paul Anka's face
in our town.
153
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,452
Everyone's all abuzz.
154
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,488
Let's go back and see it again.
155
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,459
My ears are okay.
How about yours?
156
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,728
Oh, my!
157
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,101
Well, that does it.
158
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,370
I'm gonna go to the paper
and confront that critic.
159
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,573
Dick, do you think
that's a good idea?
160
00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:03,407
Honey, I know how
to handle this.
161
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,577
When I was in fourth grade,
there was this bully,
162
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:06,911
and he wouldn't stop
picking on me,
163
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,746
and he-- he pushed me down
and he'd take my lunch,
164
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,748
but I-- I put an end to that.
165
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:11,148
How?
166
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:14,151
I... brought two lunches.
167
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,556
Dick, I don't think that
strategy's gonna work
with this critic.
168
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,158
Honey, you didn't let me finish.
Then I brained him with Chunky.
169
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:27,799
[ Door closes ]
170
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:36,074
[ Door closes ]
171
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,020
I'll be with you in a minute.
172
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,122
Oh. Oh, I see. I see your...
173
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,992
busy destroying
someone else's life.
174
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:55,994
I'll, uh-- I'll wait.
175
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,965
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?
176
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,133
I'm Dick Loudon.
177
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,968
Oh, yes.
178
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,971
Yes, I thought I felt
the charisma level
179
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,106
of the building plummet.
180
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,077
Look, I'm not here
to pick a fight.
181
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,779
All I wanna know
is why you're--
182
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:17,615
you're running this-- this
smear campaign against me.
183
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,752
It's nothing personal,
Mr. Loudon. I just think
you're awful.
184
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,355
I mean, I'm just doing my job
as you're doing...
185
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,823
[ Clears throat]
...yours.
186
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,192
Well, isn't-- I mean,
isn't there something else
187
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,694
you could trash
besides my show?
188
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,561
Oh, believe me, Mr. Loudon,
189
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:31,863
if I thought there was
something worse,
190
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:32,830
I'd leave you alone.
191
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,000
[ Typewriter typing ]
192
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:39,771
Have-- Have you seen, uh,
Pearl of Pearl's ...?
193
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,239
[ Clears throat ]
194
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,708
Ne-- never mind. What, uh--
195
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,476
What is it? I mean, why--
Why me?
196
00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:47,679
Look, well, here's the thing.
Uh, sit down.
197
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:49,047
I'll avert my eyes.
198
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,786
You see, Mr. Loudon,
I get paid to hate.
199
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,155
I mean, that's my speciality.
I mean, it's what I do.
200
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,258
When I was working in Syracuse,
single-handedly, I closed
201
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,960
Connie Stevens
and Tommy Smothers
202
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:03,861
in Bus Stop .
203
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,964
You're the devil incarnate.
204
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,669
And somehow your show opened up
a well of hate within me that...
205
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,038
[ Chuckles ]
I just didn't know I had.
206
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,472
Look at this way, Loudon:
207
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,107
I'm a kid,
208
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,742
you're a candy store.
209
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,078
You know what I think?
210
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,580
I think you are a bitter,
211
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:26,517
twisted, vindictive,
frustrated coot
212
00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:28,252
who takes some sort
of perverse pleasure
213
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:29,486
in trying to destroy
214
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,322
innocent and hard-working
people.
215
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,025
I mean, it--
it is guys like you...
216
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,060
[ Sobbing ]
217
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:42,133
...who-- who-- who weep at--
at the drop of a...
218
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,337
[ Sobbing ]
219
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,272
What-- What are--
What are you doing?
220
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,040
Crying.
221
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,008
[ Sobbing ]
222
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,309
Well-- Well, quit it.
223
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,245
[ Sniffs ]
I can't.
224
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,114
It's always like this
when somebody yells at me.
225
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,082
I mean, you're right. I mean,
you're absolutely right.
226
00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:58,950
I'm swill.
227
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,118
[ Sobbing ]
228
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,653
Oh, come on. It's--
229
00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:04,722
It's not always--
always that bad.
230
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,689
[ Sobbing ]
231
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:09,293
I-- I like some things in--
in your reviews.
232
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,394
Oh, you're just saying that.
233
00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:11,195
[ Sobbing ]
234
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,430
Well, yeah, but...
235
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,001
[ Sobbing ]
236
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:18,169
Here.
237
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,004
Blow-- Blow your nose.
238
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,538
[ Sniffs ]
239
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,775
You would use single--ply.
240
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:26,677
[ Sobbing ]
241
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,579
Right, now--
Now are you okay?
242
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:29,580
Yes, I guess so. Thank you.
243
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,483
But I'm not gonna stop
my reviews.
244
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:34,551
What?
245
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,719
I'm gonna go on trashing you
246
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,089
till I've driven you
off the airwaves.
247
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,057
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
248
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:40,958
[ Sniffs ]
249
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:41,993
Oh, yeah?
250
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,395
Well, next time I'll be back.
251
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,730
And I'll be packing a Chunky!
252
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:10,955
[ Door closing ]
253
00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:14,758
Pancake people,
I thought I told you
254
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,828
not to snake your line
over our lawn!
255
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,631
And you've got two seconds
to fold up those pup tents!
256
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,039
Honey, has the 'Morning News
come yet?
257
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,473
I haven't seen it.
258
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:33,211
Uh, George, have you seen the--
the 'Morning News ?
259
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,646
Uh, n-- uh, no.
260
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:41,052
Well, I could've-- I could've
sworn I saw it outside.
261
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:44,355
Maybe one of the pancake people
used it to start their hibachi.
262
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:46,958
By the way, Dick,
263
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,727
I just want you to know
that I think being with you
264
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,864
is nothing at all like watching
time-lapse photography
265
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,065
of a guy washing his feet.
266
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:59,203
Okay, where's the paper?
267
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,044
"Yesterday, I was paid a visit
by Dick Loudon,
268
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:12,316
and I can gleefully report
that he is as tiresome in person
269
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,052
...as on TV.
270
00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,489
He is to television what...
271
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,559
how-to books
are to literature.
272
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,029
Ha! The joke's on--
273
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,000
Well, actually, it's still kinda
on you, isn't it, Dick?
274
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,109
Uh, Dick, before you go on,
275
00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,544
I've done some market research
on this Bilgray.
276
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:43,180
Michael, how-- how do you do
market research on one guy?
277
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,615
We slipped into his office.
278
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,017
Where there's a will,
there's a window.
279
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,218
[ Giggles ]
280
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:50,087
Now, I've made up a list
of his top 10 fave raves,
281
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,789
which we can, oh, so subtly
work into the show.
282
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,058
So, here, slip on this
Mike Nesmith Monkee hat.
283
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:58,229
Michael, I'm not gonna change
just to please some...
284
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,763
raving lunatic hack!
285
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:00,898
Okay, Dick.
286
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,868
Mi-- Michael, where's my chair?
287
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,337
Now, Dick, you do realize
if you have a chair,
288
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:08,306
you're gonna have to sit,
and that's prime Bilgray bait.
289
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,141
I mean, we have to
throw him one bone.
290
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,875
Michael, I want my chair back.
291
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,177
Fine, Dick.
292
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,746
Might as well paint a bulls-eye
on your bottom.
293
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,682
Which isn't a bad idea,
because he is an archery nut.
294
00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:20,084
-Michael...
-Say no more, Dick.
295
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:21,652
I'm used to smoke pouring out
of my engines
296
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:23,421
when I pitch ideas to you.
297
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,556
So I've come up with
a completely opposite strategy.
298
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,690
If you can't join 'em,
299
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:27,891
fight 'em.
300
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,061
What-- What--
What are you saying?
301
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,896
Give that Bilgray bilge-wad
a taste of his own medicine.
302
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:33,630
Here.
303
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,132
Feast your 20/20s on this baby.
304
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,437
"Curtis Bilgray...
305
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:41,072
is a fatty?"
306
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:44,442
Whoa, it's even more
stinging out loud.
307
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:49,213
Michael, I am not gonna stoop
to such childish, petty depths.
308
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,216
I'm gonna go out there
and do my-- my regular show.
309
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:52,916
Okay, Dick.
310
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,651
Have a good one.
311
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:58,389
[ Humming "Taps" ]
312
00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,690
[ Vermont Today theme music ]
313
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:00,824
ANNOUNCER: And now it's Vermont Today ,
314
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,194
starring Dick Loudon.
315
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,062
Hey, who gave him back his chair?
316
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,066
[ Clears throat ]
317
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,108
Hi. I'm-- I'm, uh,
318
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,978
[ Clears throat ]
I'm-- I'm Dick--
I'm Dick Loudon,
319
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:25,082
and on today's show we--
we will, uh--
320
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,386
We'll be, uh...
321
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:30,787
Look, I--
322
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:35,592
I just wanna say that a certain
person in this town has--
323
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:37,561
has been taking pot shots
at me and I...
324
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,065
I personally refuse to--
to stoop to his...
325
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,302
Curtis Bilgray's a big fatty!
326
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,078
Dick, I did not say
today's show was awful.
327
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:54,912
Yes, you did.
328
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,013
No, I didn't.
329
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,515
I just think that you
may have gone
330
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,950
a little bit over the line
by staging that
331
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,353
"Why Bilgray makes me sick"
contest.
332
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,323
Honey, the guy is continuously
ripping me apart
333
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,591
in-- in the press.
334
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:10,361
And I'm sure everyone in town
feels it's only fair that--
335
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,229
that I use my show as a--
336
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,864
as a forum to fight back.
337
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:17,168
Dick.
338
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:21,072
We just watched Vermont Today .
339
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:22,506
Pretty low blow.
340
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,242
For shame, for shame.
341
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,412
Well, maybe not
the whole town.
342
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,982
It's one thing what he
did to you in the press.
343
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,151
But to call a man a "fatty".
344
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,590
To hear that kind of language
coming out of the set.
345
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,991
And on a Sunday.
346
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,695
We finally get a first-rate
critic in town,
347
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,530
and you have to badmouth him.
348
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,566
He called me
"The Video Sandman."
349
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,001
And don't forget
"The Human Anesthetic."
350
00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:52,903
And "The King of Coma."
351
00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:54,271
Okay, okay!
352
00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,742
Yeah, but, Dick,
he's only one person,
353
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:02,846
and you're an inn-keeping,
how-to book-writing,
354
00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:05,382
TV-starring conglomerate.
355
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,320
Another case of a big
corporation stepping
on a little guy.
356
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:12,956
I'm not a corporation.
357
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:19,263
Mr. Loudon, I came as soon
as I saw the show,
358
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,232
and my eyes weren't
too teary to drive.
359
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,169
Oh, so you must be
that low life Bilgray.
360
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,203
Charmed, I'm sure.
361
00:18:27,406 --> 00:18:29,906
Gee, you sure can't fault him
on his manners.
362
00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:33,377
You're Curtis Bilgray?
363
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:34,811
He's not fat.
364
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:40,083
So not only was it shocking to
hear, but it wasn't even true.
365
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,553
Oh, double for shame.
366
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,656
Look, excuse me, gentlemen,
excuse me,
367
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,791
but I really don't need the help
of two country bumpkins
368
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,826
to get satisfaction
from the likes of Loudon.
369
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,497
Wait a minute, that sounds
like an insult.
370
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,936
I didn't think you'd pick up
on that till next Tuesday.
371
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,574
And that was probably
another one.
372
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,577
Boy, he's mean!
373
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:09,780
I told ya.
374
00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:12,749
You know, maybe I was wrong
to concentrate on you, Loudon.
375
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,652
It seems this whole town
is full of people
376
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,354
ripe for my special
sort of ridicule.
377
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,456
Maybe I could make it
a regular feature:
378
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,325
"This week in Boob-Ville."
379
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,928
Uh-oh. Now we're in trouble.
380
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,130
What are we going to do
to stop him?
381
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,600
That's the problem.
There's nothing we can do.
382
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:32,102
He's right, you know.
You're all quite powerless.
383
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:39,376
Wait a minute. Chester,
aren't you the mayor?
384
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,911
That's right, I am.
385
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:41,612
[ Chuckles ]
386
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:43,480
What does that mean?
387
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,817
Well, it means
you can get him back
388
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,719
by passing laws and stuff.
389
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:49,420
Yeah.
390
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,154
Like what?
391
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,189
Well, you know,
392
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:54,124
something to make his life
here a living hell.
393
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,961
Or at least real annoying.
394
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:02,333
Like, I could pass a law
making wherever he parks
395
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,900
a tow-away zone.
396
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,969
What about making it so
that wherever he lives,
397
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,871
people can come in
and use his phone?
398
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,410
And-- And-- And we could make it
illegal to--
399
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,480
to write bad reviews
about Sunday talk show hosts.
400
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,682
Oh, come on, Dick.
These have to be real.
401
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,786
Oh, look, look,
this is all absurd.
402
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,788
Now, look, try to follow this.
403
00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:26,089
Even though you are the mayor,
404
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,091
I know you can't
put anything into law
405
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,827
without supporting votes
from the town council.
406
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,429
Well, that's-- that's true,
but, uh,
407
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,966
we may just have enough
408
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:39,403
town council members
in this room to--
409
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:40,437
to make a quorum.
410
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:44,007
All those in favor
of passing the Bilgray Act
411
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:46,410
signify by raising your hand
and saying, "Aye."
412
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:47,344
Aye!
413
00:20:49,047 --> 00:20:53,617
Well, gee, Mr. Bilgray,
is that your blue car out there?
414
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:54,752
George,
415
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:58,756
why don't you go and call
Armentrout Towing Service?
416
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:02,893
Dick, uh, should I use our phone
or just head over to Bilgray?
417
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:06,330
Fine.
418
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,865
Fine, well, yes,
I can take a hint.
419
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,401
I don't have to be
hit over the head.
420
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:11,134
Too bad.
421
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,072
You're not the only
country bumpkins in the sea.
422
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,208
I shall simply
...find another town.
423
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:20,110
Oh, and Loudon,
424
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:21,978
this country inn of yours:
425
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:23,414
gauche.
426
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:24,114
[ Sniffs ]
427
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:26,950
Fatty!
428
00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:38,562
Hi.
429
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:43,200
I'm Larry.
430
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:44,335
This is my brother Darryl,
431
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:46,437
and this is my other
brother Darryl.
432
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:49,139
Our limelight days have
come to a screechin' halt.
433
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,810
And I guess it's true
that you see the same people
434
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:54,678
on the way down the ladder
as going up,
435
00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:56,613
'cause here you are.
436
00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:00,517
Well, what happened?
437
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:01,652
See,
438
00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:04,154
Darryl here in one of his
night-feeding frenzies
439
00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,188
ate Paul Anka.
440
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,560
By the time we got
to the kitchen,
441
00:22:09,595 --> 00:22:10,761
all that was left
442
00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:13,797
was Paul's distinctive forehead
in a pool of maple syrup.
443
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:19,336
I don't know whether to laugh
or run screaming into the woods.
444
00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:24,007
This must be a big blow
to your plans.
445
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:27,077
Well, actually, we were getting
a little sick of hearing
446
00:22:27,112 --> 00:22:29,246
that endless loop
of "Having My Baby."
447
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,949
But we haven't taken this
lying down.
448
00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,217
Show 'em the lamb chop,
Darryl.
449
00:22:37,155 --> 00:22:38,555
Look, right there.
450
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,457
The sturdy face
of Joan Baez.
451
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:45,529
I-- I see nothing.
452
00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:46,963
Darn.
453
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,166
Come on, Darryl, we better
get back to the caf�
454
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:51,902
and let in the pancake mourners.
455
00:22:52,838 --> 00:22:54,738
Darryl here's leading
the silent vigil.
456
00:23:03,081 --> 00:23:06,884
You know, I-- I think I'll
always remember where I was
457
00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:09,520
when I heard that
the Paul Anka pancake...
458
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:10,454
was eaten.
459
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,160
Meow.
41455
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