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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,885 Here it is, my 35th book. 2 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,421 -"How to Write How-To Books." -[ Laughs ] 3 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,825 Dick, why do you have so many? 4 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,760 Well, these are-- are for, you know, 5 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,097 to-- to give to family and friends. 6 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,199 That doesn't mean we have to take one, does it? 7 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,671 Phew. And congratulations. 8 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:16,808 Oh, Michael. 9 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:20,112 I have to ask you a question about your TV station. 10 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,947 Last night while I was watching Barnaby Jones , 11 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,916 there was an ad for the news that said, 12 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:28,453 "President dead: details at 11." 13 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,722 So I had to stay up to watch the news. 14 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,324 I mean, that kind of shook me up. 15 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,126 Turned out that the president who was dead 16 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,427 was Calvin Coolidge. 17 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:38,796 So? 18 00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:42,634 Well, somehow that didn't seem right. 19 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,835 Well, it is right, George. 20 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,870 I mean, Cal has said adios to Earth. 21 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,508 But I thought you meant our current president. 22 00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:54,579 Michael, did-- did WPIV run a promo like that? 23 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,980 We call them "teasers", Dick. 24 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,482 There's nothing like them to boost ratings 25 00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,350 on a slow news day. 26 00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,087 But it's-- it's deceiving. It's-- 27 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,457 it's dishonest. It's-- it's despicable. 28 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,092 And it works. [ Giggles ] 29 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,661 Besides, Dick, look at it this way. 30 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,329 Cal hasn't been in the news much lately. 31 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,531 I'm sure he appreciated the mention. 32 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,534 Well, Michael, how can you do that? 33 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:16,701 Well, I didn't write it, Joanna. 34 00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:18,603 I just came up with the concept to mislead 35 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,071 and told the news department to run with it. 36 00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:22,674 Michael, 37 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,311 people are talking about the news and... 38 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,679 there are books here. 39 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:28,446 Let's go. 40 00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:30,715 Okay, Steph. 41 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:32,417 Hope you enjoy the news tonight, George. 42 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,152 I'm not going to watch it. 43 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:34,719 Oh, really? 44 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,821 Wait till you see tonight's teaser. 45 00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:38,756 I hear the writers really came up with a doozy. 46 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,293 [ Sighs ] 47 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:45,597 You know, I like being a fan of Buddy Ebsen, but at what price? 48 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,775 Hi. I'm Larry. 49 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:58,910 This is my brother Darryl, 50 00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,378 and this is my other brother Darryl. 51 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,481 I thought I recognized you guys. 52 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,419 We're here with an announcement. 53 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,020 We've decided to have a child. 54 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,326 Wha-- What? 55 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:16,728 It occurred to us 56 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,863 that our biological clocks are tickin', 57 00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:20,164 and we don't have much time left. 58 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,869 Uh, that's great, guys. 59 00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,037 Yeah. Yeah. 60 00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:32,176 Uh... how-- you-- how are-- how are you, uh...? 61 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,981 How are you planning on, you know, going-- 62 00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:37,915 going about that? 63 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,353 Well, we thought about stickin' with tradition 64 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,754 and havin' one with a woman, 65 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,224 but so far we haven't been able to coax one 66 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,859 into holy wedlock. 67 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,960 Not even "The Face." 68 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,098 Seems the only way we've been able 69 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,867 to turn a woman's head is by yellin', 70 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:56,934 "Look out behind you." 71 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,472 Anyway, 72 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,543 in our longin' to be dads, we've decided to adopt. 73 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,712 We hear there's a desperate need for parents. 74 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,848 Prob-- Probably not that desperate. 75 00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:16,821 Guys, I-- I don't want to discourage you 76 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:18,156 or anything but, um, 77 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,259 um, I mean, do-- do you think maybe a-- 78 00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:24,663 a-- a kitten might solve your problem? 79 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:27,732 I don't think so. 80 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,068 Although Darryl here could teach a young feline 81 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,637 a thing or two about catchin' mice. 82 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:35,774 Come on, Darryl. 83 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:39,277 I'm sure one look at our sincere, worldly-wise faces, 84 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,244 and it's in the bag. 85 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:42,514 Oh, which reminds me: 86 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,148 when we go to the adoptin' agency, 87 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:45,850 we gotta remember to bring the sack, 88 00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,885 so we'll have somethin' to carry the baby home in. 89 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:53,425 Dick, no adoption agency would actually 90 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,659 give them a child? 91 00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:58,930 I think on the list of desirable parents, 92 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,499 they would come somewhat after... 93 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,000 90-year-olds, 94 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,571 crazy people, and childless wolf couples. 95 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:15,380 You know, I hope we don't end up competin' for the same kid. 96 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,816 I mean, I don't think you'd stand much chance 97 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,384 what with it bein' three to two. 98 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,589 Larry, Darryl, and... Darryl? 99 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,423 That's us. 100 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,063 Now, behave yourself in there, Darryl. 101 00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,666 And remember, there's only three ways to get a baby: 102 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:37,769 by a woman, by adopting, or by a star in the East. 103 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,907 Frankly, I think this is our best shot. 104 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,279 Hi, I'm Kristi Gastetter. 105 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:49,347 Hi. 106 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,016 Are you the lady that's gonna be deliverin' our baby? 107 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:52,751 [ Laughs ] 108 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,151 Well, we'll see. 109 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:54,886 [ Chuckles ] 110 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,754 Please have a seat. 111 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:08,700 Um, I see by your application that you have two businesses; 112 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,969 the Minuteman Caf� and Anything For a Buck? 113 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,039 That's right. 114 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:18,643 We can get you franchise information if you're interested. 115 00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,912 Oh, well, not right now. 116 00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:24,382 And, um, I see that the three of you are single, 117 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,218 so I take it that there would be no women in the household. 118 00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:29,387 Well, that's probably true. 119 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,588 Though you never know, 120 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,557 "The Face" could still come through for us. 121 00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,097 Uh... um, 122 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,266 maybe-- maybe you should tell me 123 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,503 a little bit about why you'd like to have a child. 124 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,405 Well, we wanna have a little someone 125 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,673 to show how to fish, 126 00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:50,442 how to play ball, 127 00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,077 how to spit into the wind and duck. 128 00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,317 I think I've got enough information. 129 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,852 Thank you. We'll let you know. 130 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:03,254 When? 131 00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,022 We was all prepared to take him home today. 132 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,095 Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible, 133 00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,063 but I have your number, 134 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,665 and I'll call as soon as we know. 135 00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,868 You know already, don't ya? 136 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,404 You're not gonna give us any baby. 137 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,307 For some strange reason, you think we wouldn't 138 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,275 make good fathers. 139 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,043 But you're wrong. 140 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,546 Darryl and I'd make perfect pappys. 141 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,716 I mean, a part of us is kids ourselves, 142 00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:34,118 but enough of us is adults so you could trust us. 143 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,253 And I guarantee 144 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,455 he'd be enterin' a happy home. 145 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:42,426 How many little babies got that goin' for 'em from the get-go? 146 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,462 Look, I appreciate your feelings, 147 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,163 -but there are certain things-- -Please. 148 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,503 As you can see, we'll beg if we have to. 149 00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,038 Oh. Well... 150 00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,915 Good morning, George. 151 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,584 I can't remember the last time you missed breakfast. 152 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,621 I know. I had to stay up late and watch the stupid news. 153 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:15,026 He, uh-- He got you again, huh? 154 00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:16,895 I was in my room 155 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,797 enjoying one of my favorite Barnaby episodes: 156 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:23,067 Honeymoon with Death. 157 00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:25,970 It's one of the later episodes 158 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,240 where Lee Meriwether's wearing the more tailored clothes. 159 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:34,746 Anyway, I was just sitting back, enjoying a soda 160 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,549 when one of those teasers came on. 161 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,116 What, uh-- What was it? 162 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:42,486 "Soda found contaminated. Details at 11." 163 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,324 Dick, the whole front of my TV got schpritzed. 164 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,828 I had to stay up past my bedtime 165 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,931 to find out if I was going to live or not. 166 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,668 Then it turned out that the contaminated soda 167 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,904 was just somebody left an open can out all night, 168 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,606 came back, and found a bug in it. 169 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,076 I'm getting pretty sick of those teasers. 170 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,779 Well, George, I-- I don't know what else you can do, uh, 171 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,414 except... giving up Barnaby Jones . 172 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,617 Huh, it's easy for you to say, Dick. 173 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:13,952 You've got a wife. 174 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,432 Oh, no, it can't be. 175 00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:34,138 Guys, does this mean the agency gave you a child? 176 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,841 No, it means we just bought out Dutch Masters. 177 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,244 Of course we got a kid. 178 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,516 Where-- Where is it? 179 00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:46,784 Outside somewhere. 180 00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,622 Outside somewhere? 181 00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:51,422 Oh, I know. 182 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:53,190 Can't wait to be introduced, huh? 183 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,326 Okay, we'll go see if we can find the little Dickens. 184 00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,998 Well, they-- they seem to be doing a-- 185 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,033 a great job of parenting so far. 186 00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:04,201 [ Clears throat ] 187 00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:12,276 It's a boy. 188 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,516 Well, what do you think? 189 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,654 He's-- He's, uh-- He's-- He's big. 190 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,824 Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces. 191 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,930 Well, you'd... better hope he never needs burping. 192 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,300 His name's Ted. 193 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:36,868 Hi. 194 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,136 Hi, Ted. 195 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:42,606 Nice to meet you. I'm Joanna, and this is my husband, Dick. 196 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,041 Hi. 197 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,178 Or-- Or should I say, "goochie goochie goo?" 198 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,182 How old are you, Ted? 199 00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:51,983 Almost 18. 200 00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:53,951 I'll-- I'll go with "hi". 201 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,056 I thought you were going to adopt a baby? 202 00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:01,025 Well, Ted was as young as they'd give us. 203 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,394 For some reason, 204 00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:05,730 they thought the fact that he was legal next month 205 00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,498 made him the perfect choice for us. 206 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,401 The agency needed a bed and... 207 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,103 I thought it'd be nice to finally go somewhere 208 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,137 I was really wanted. 209 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,006 Even if it was just for a month. 210 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,474 You'd-- You'd think so. 211 00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,581 Well... [ Chuckles ] 212 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,850 Congratulations to all of you! 213 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:27,985 Well, we'd better get goin'. 214 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,687 We got a bassinet to reinforce. 215 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,390 Oh, and, uh, Ted, 216 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,693 we're here. 217 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:37,829 Night or day. 218 00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:47,004 Dick, Joanna, good news. 219 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,173 I just finished watching Barnaby Jones, 220 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,674 and I'm going right to bed. 221 00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,212 That is good news, George. 222 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,715 So the teaser for the 11 o'clock report 223 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:58,883 didn't grab you tonight? 224 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,985 Not a bit. I couldn't care less. 225 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,220 What was it, George? 226 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,320 Oh, something like, uh, 227 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,824 "Beautiful town socialite elopes." 228 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:07,658 [ Door opening ] 229 00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:08,726 Stephanie! 230 00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:13,264 Michael! What is it? 231 00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,966 Oh, Stephanie, thank God you're here. 232 00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,600 Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute. 233 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,169 Oh, phew. No rice. 234 00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,738 Michael! You mussed me! 235 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,739 Oh, I'm sorry, Steph. 236 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,274 I'm just so glad to see you. 237 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:27,178 Watch a little TV tonight, Michael? 238 00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,446 Maybe see a news teaser that said, 239 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,916 "Beautiful town socialite elopes?" 240 00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,317 Michael, is that why you're here? 241 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:34,652 You thought that was me? 242 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:36,720 Do you think if it'd been me, 243 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,422 they would've stopped at just "beautiful"? 244 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,492 I'm sorry, Steph. I-- I just reacted. 245 00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:42,459 [ Sighs ] 246 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,528 I was in the midst of my creaming regimen. 247 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:46,497 Now I have to start all over again. 248 00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,499 Next time you have a crisis, call first? 249 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,670 Well, Michael, 250 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,571 I guess maybe you've learned your lesson 251 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,640 about those news teasers. 252 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,341 I sure have. 253 00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,944 They're even more powerful than I thought. 254 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,980 It's gotta be one of the best promotional tools ever. 255 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,483 I've got a great idea I'm gonna tell the guys 256 00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:07,785 for tomorrow's teaser. 257 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:08,652 "GM cars recalled." 258 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,924 Then we just show these people, you know, remembering their cars. 259 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,891 [ Giggling ] 260 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,392 This is great! 261 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,700 Well, George, at least you don't have to 262 00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,968 stay up tomorrow night. 263 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,002 Yes, I do. 264 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,470 Why? 265 00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:29,740 I really like to listen to people talk about their cars. 266 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,381 Hi. 267 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,083 It's the dads. 268 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,086 With tons of pictures to show you 269 00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,120 of our new son. 270 00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:47,391 Here he is watchin' Darryl make breakfast. 271 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:51,395 Here he is coverin' his ears as Darryl eats breakfast. 272 00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,032 So how's it been, being fathers? 273 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,000 Just like we dreamed. 274 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,904 Although, there have been a few drawbacks. 275 00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,272 He don't want anything to do 276 00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:03,174 with all those Pampers we stockpiled. 277 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,244 They don't ride up like those jockeys, 278 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,011 do they, Darryl? 279 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,618 And Darryl and me had a big argument 280 00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:15,753 over whether to name him 281 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:18,322 Larry Junior, Darryl Junior, or Darryl Junior. 282 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,927 And Ted seems to be resistin' any change. 283 00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:25,096 Well, you know teenagers. 284 00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:25,963 Tell me about it. 285 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,066 We've found havin' a teen in the house 286 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,634 can be kind of tough. 287 00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:32,904 I mean, the loud music, the constant partyin'; 288 00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:33,905 he don't like it much. 289 00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,411 But you wanna know the biggest drawback? 290 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,281 He's only ours for three weeks. 291 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,350 I mean, how are we supposed to do everything 292 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,052 a father's supposed to do in three weeks? 293 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:49,987 Besides, 294 00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,323 the shorter he stays, 295 00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:53,724 the longer we're gonna miss him. 296 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,193 DICK: You know, Larry, 297 00:14:57,363 --> 00:15:01,265 things in life are-- are gone be-- before you know it. 298 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,734 You mean like blank paper in Stephen King's house? 299 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:10,975 Exactly. 300 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,212 And, uh, sometimes all you can do is 301 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,416 make the most of-- of the time you have with someone. 302 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,217 And that's what I think you-- 303 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,919 you should do with Ted. 304 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,321 Hm. Darryl? 305 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,958 Darryl thinks you're wise beyond your years. 306 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:28,559 Well... 307 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,726 [ Chuckles ] 308 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,862 And Darryl thinks you like the sound of your own voice. 309 00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,667 Either way, we're goin' for it. 310 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,070 We're gonna jam pack 18 years of fatherhood 311 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,071 into three weeks. 312 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:41,872 Come on, Darryl. 313 00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,441 Let's go find Larry Junior. 314 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,212 Darn, I thought I could slip it by. 315 00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:56,887 Come on, Ted, finish up your dinner. 316 00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,122 We got other things to do. 317 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,391 Do I really have to finish this? 318 00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:03,560 Ted, porcupine is one of nature's most perfect foods. 319 00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,164 It's tasty, and when you're done, 320 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,932 there's quills to pick your teeth with. 321 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,106 Darryl. 322 00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:18,709 I knew you'd be the one to spoil him. 323 00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:22,380 Well, come on, then. 324 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,781 We got some parental cramming to do. 325 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,852 Let's start with a traditional father/son bonding ritual, 326 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:29,820 playin' ball. 327 00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,101 [ Ball hits the floor ] 328 00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,238 It's okay, Darryl. 329 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,972 You're a good father in other ways. 330 00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,209 Okay, measurin' time. 331 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,044 Oh, not again. 332 00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,845 Guys, I'm not getting any taller. 333 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,747 Let's let the door-jamb decide. 334 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:05,956 Same as before. 335 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,962 Wait, maybe you-- you should check again. 336 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,000 Look at that. 337 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,402 He's growed that much. 338 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,706 Don't be picky, Darryl. We'll take it. 339 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,513 Okay, now, facts of life talk. 340 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,714 Oh, that's okay. 341 00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:32,483 I think I got this one covered. 342 00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:35,453 Ted, this is an important moment between fathers and son. 343 00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,723 Now, since we have to cram all this in, 344 00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:41,525 we'll give you the condensed version. 345 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:42,226 Girls: 346 00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,095 watch out for 'em. 347 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,001 Okay, here's some crayons and paper. 348 00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:53,204 We're lookin' for something to put up on the refrigerator. 349 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,241 Hi. Ted, am I early? 350 00:17:57,276 --> 00:17:59,910 Oh, uh, a little bit, but that's okay. 351 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:02,179 Uh, Liz, this is my father Larry, 352 00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,247 this is my father Darryl, 353 00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,648 and this is my other father Darryl. 354 00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,619 This is Liz. She-- She's in my history class. 355 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:09,320 Hi. 356 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,089 I-- I've got a date tonight. 357 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,390 We're guessin' with her? 358 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,026 Yeah. 359 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,562 Perfect timin' on that facts of life talk, Darryl. 360 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:26,203 Could we have a talk with her? 361 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,070 Sure. 362 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,107 You're not plannin' on chewin' him up 363 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,408 and spitting him out, are ya? 364 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,844 Uh, no. 365 00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:36,713 She seems nice. 366 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,851 Well, great. Uh, what time do I have to be home? 367 00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,853 Oh, we don't have to decide that now. 368 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:43,454 What do you mean? 369 00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:45,656 You don't think we're gonna miss out 370 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,324 on our son's first date, do ya? 371 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:51,895 [ Camera flash going off ] 372 00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:04,675 Uh, hi. 373 00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:05,776 Hi, Ted. 374 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,979 You know, this is the first time I've ever seen you 375 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:10,714 without your fathers. 376 00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:11,882 Yeah. How-- How did-- 377 00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:13,484 How did you manage to duck 'em? 378 00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:16,787 I ran away from home. 379 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,859 Uh, there's no shortage of reasons 380 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,497 why someone would wanna get away from there, but, uh... 381 00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:28,732 just out of curiosity, uh, 382 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,033 which one did you pick? 383 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,538 I-- I know this is gonna sound weird, 384 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,473 but they pay too much attention to me. 385 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,974 I mean, in all the foster homes I've lived in, 386 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,677 I've never had this problem before. 387 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,545 I mean, yesterday, I sneezed once, 388 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,447 and suddenly I was covered with Vicks. 389 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,652 Sounds like they really care about you, Ted. 390 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,855 I-- I know they do, and I like them too. 391 00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:54,191 It's just been a little too much for me. 392 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,593 Can I stay here? 393 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,393 Sure. 394 00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:00,764 Thanks. 395 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,667 Can I have something to eat? 396 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,269 You know, something that's been inspected? 397 00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:12,643 Sure, we've got something wrapped and everything. 398 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:13,410 Come on. 399 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,450 Hi. I'm Larry. 400 00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:20,551 This is my brother Darryl, 401 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:21,818 and this is my other brother Darryl. 402 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,220 Ted's run away from home. 403 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,021 Here's a picture and description you can use 404 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,023 without the consent of Major League Baseball. 405 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,363 We, uh-- We-- We don't need this. 406 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,265 Oh. He's already on the milk carton? 407 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:39,603 No. He's-- He's-- He's here. 408 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:40,304 Really? 409 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:43,407 Hi. 410 00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,508 Ted, are you okay? 411 00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:47,210 You got that nasty cold. You shouldn't be out. 412 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:47,778 I-- I'm okay. 413 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,115 Ted, we respect your right to run away, 414 00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:55,051 but maybe you could just tell us what we done wrong 415 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,787 so we won't always be wonderin'. 416 00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,355 You didn't do anything wrong. 417 00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,324 Well, we must'a done somethin'. 418 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,859 No. It-- It-- It just isn't fair to you. 419 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,162 I mean, I'm only here for a-- a month, 420 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,764 and you guys have a whole lifetime 421 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:07,631 of caring to give a son. 422 00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,168 I just couldn't take all that all at once. 423 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,169 It's not your fault. 424 00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,270 You're right. 425 00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:14,037 It's his. 426 00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:17,474 What? 427 00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,611 Well, weren't you the one that told us 428 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:23,380 to make the most out of the time we had with Ted? 429 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,815 Well, uh, yeah, but I... 430 00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:27,884 Do you get some sort of perverted pleasure 431 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,286 out of trying to ruin our lives? 432 00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:34,157 Ted, would you give us another chance 433 00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:36,259 if we promise to follow our own instincts? 434 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,464 I don't think I'll be needing this. 435 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,534 But before we go, 436 00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:44,735 something I gotta tell ya. 437 00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:46,370 I know you're not gonna like it much, 438 00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,405 but...I've been accepted at Yale. 439 00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:50,874 Ted, that's wonderful! 440 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,610 Why-- Why wouldn't they like that? 441 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,046 'Cause he knows it dashes our hopes 442 00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:57,348 of him becomin' a drifter. 443 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,819 I hope you're not too disappointed. 444 00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:02,720 Not too much. 445 00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:04,455 I mean, Yale is our alma mater. 446 00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:07,991 [ Clears throat ] 447 00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:10,594 Uh, uh, excu-- uh, excuse me? 448 00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:14,130 Yeah, we janitored there one summer. 449 00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:20,036 Ted, we know you gotta go off on your own 450 00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,137 like you should, 451 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:24,007 but there's just one thing we gotta know. 452 00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:25,376 Will we ever see ya again? 453 00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:26,943 Of course you will. 454 00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:28,579 You're my dads. 455 00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:36,387 Let's go home. 456 00:22:39,258 --> 00:22:41,258 You know, they grow up so fast. 457 00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:46,229 I mean, one minute they're just comin' into your life, 458 00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:48,699 and then it just seems like a couple of weeks later, 459 00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:49,966 they're goin' off to college. 460 00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:55,806 Larry, 461 00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,776 this is only a couple of weeks later. 462 00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:00,977 Oh, yeah. 463 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,881 Well, still, it's all I can do 464 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,582 to keep from breakin' into a chorus of 465 00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:06,817 "Sunrise, Sunset." 466 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:10,788 Wait, I know. 467 00:23:10,823 --> 00:23:12,823 Darryl, what do you say we have another one? 468 00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:53,831 Meow. 41894

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