All language subtitles for Newhart S06E10

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

Hi, guys, it's-- it's great
to see you.

Honey, I'm just trying to learn
to make the best of it.

Thank you for that unexpected
warm welcome.

Darryl's a bit flushed.

We just came by to announce

the further branching out
of our creative talents.

We've started inventing.

And we wanted you
to be the first

to upgrade your standard
of living with this.

We call it the Dr. Dribble.

Ah.

We find that eating
our favorite critter in gravy

can be a sloppy,
wasteful affair.

And it's just not as much fun
as it used to be,

sucking each other's shirts.

We know that feeling.

Hence Dr. Dribble.

See, the main portion
of your meal remains here,

just like in your normal,
inferior spoon.

But any sloshing overspill
is caught here.

You can have that one.

No. No, thanks.

We'd just-- you know, we'd
just wind up fighting over it.

Yeah.

We understand.

Come on, Darryl.

We'd better patent this baby.

We were beaten once before

and now every time we see
mail-order sea monkeys,

it breaks our hearts.

SOS, Mayday! Mayday!

Michael, what's wrong?

It's the station.

Oh, Michael, don't get me upset
for no reason.

For a minute there,

I thought something
cosmetically devastating

had happened to you.

No, Steph, I'm unmaimed,

but WPIV is in serious
financial trouble.

Even looks like they
won't be able

to pay anyone this week.

Michael, this won't affect
the quality of our dates,

will it?

Don't worry, cupcake.

Seeing this disaster coming,

I made a brilliant
upper-management decision

and advanced myself a month.

Oh.

Well, then, everything's fine.

Michael, as-- as relieved as
I am about your ability to date,

um, what-- what about the--
the other people at the station?

Don't worry, Dick.

I've earned every nickel
of that ill-gotten booty.

I've come up with a plan
to save WPIV.

A telethon.

-A telethon?
-Yeah.

We get viewers to send in money

so the station can
stay on the air.

Mi-- Michael, that's what
public channels do,

but, uh, people won't pay
to watch commercial TV.

We don't know that, Dick.

No one's ever had the gumption
to ask 'em before.

[ Giggles ]

I-- I think a tele-- a telethon
is a-- is a ridiculous idea.

Well, gee, Dick,

I hope that won't affect
your performance

when you host it.

No way.

Now, Dick, think of your family
of fellow WPIVers

all hoping, praying,

that our little TV home
won't be foreclosed on.

I think you should know,

I took a poll of every other
performer at the station,

and they voted unanimously
that you were the one

to host the telethon.

R-- Really?

Every last one.

They all thought you were
the only one with

enough stamina to stay up
48 hours straight.

48 hours?
That's two days!

Dick, we have to do something
to grab the viewers' attention

and everyone thinks
that the health risk

to a man your age

stressing yourself out like that
for that many hours

is just the ticket.

I am not killing myself
for the station.

Look, I would never take
the slightest chance

with your health.

You're my friend,
my workmate.

My meal ticket.

[ Sighs ]
Well...

And just to make you feel
totally safe,

I've arranged to have a doctor
by your side every minute.

Dick, for our relationship
to keep working

you must be alive.

Honey, I know that. But...

I mean, a whole station is--
is at stake and--

and I'm sure, you know, it--
it couldn't be that dangerous.

Joanna, you have my word.

He'll be just fine or I'm not

the best darn producer
in show business.

Dick, hold me.

How 'bout that snazzy
tote board, huh?

Oh, and here's
your tote board toots.

Debbie. She's the best.
Watch.

And our new total
is 500 dollars!

[ Michael giggles ]

Great-- uh, great gesturing.

And for every 100 dollar pledge,

the Debster will peel off
an item of clothing

until she is down
to her string bikini.

I call it strip-pledging.

Great name.
We're not doing it.

Okay.

Lose the strip pledge angle.
Dick doesn't want it.

MEN: Thank you, Dick.

Gee, Dick, the crew's already
antsy enough

about not getting paid yet
this week,

and now you've shot a torpedo
through the S.S. Morale.

Anyway, I've written a...

opening speech for you
on the teleprompter.

Michael,
I'm not going on the air

until I see the doctor
you promised.

Well, he, uh,
[ Clears throat ]

He's not-- he's not here
at the moment.

I'm over here.

Hi. I'm Timmy.

Doc-- Dr. Timmy.

He's not a doctor.

Well, not technically
but he's a--

he's a certified
junior lifesaver.

In swimming!

Good for you.

Michael...

Dick, real doctors cost money.

Do you want the station
further in debt?

-Michael, there is no way--
-Dick, you're on the air.

-I'm going to--
-In three, two--

ANNOUNCER: It's the WPIV
48-hour telethon

with Dick Loudon.

Hi.

[ Clears throat ]

Welcome to the, uh,
first WPIV telethon.

[ Clears throat ]

You may ask what's--
what's this telethon for.

Well, it's for a disease.

A disease called low profits.

[ Clears throat ]

We-- we need your money to--
to stay on the air.

You see all those high quality
WPIV programs,

The-- The Ropers,

uh, Bracken's World ,

Me and the Chimp,

don't come cheap.

Now, I know many of you
have been watching

these shows for years for free,

and so in a way you--
you kind of...

...owe us.

Anyway, I'm, uh, gonna go
without sleep

for the next 48 hours.

Joining me will be
some wonderful acts,

as well as many of your favorite
WPIV personalities like

Pearl of Pearl's Kitchen ,
Jack of Jack's Shed

and Willy of Willy's...

Compost Heap.

Now let's, uh, take a look
at the tote board

and our beginning total is...

[ Drum roll ]

Minus 200 dollars?

Tote boards cost money, Dick.

Well, we, uh--

We'd better get started, then.

So here I am,

doing my late night sermonette,
and it hits me.

The crew has taken out
the New Testament

and put in Hollywood Wives .

For a moment there,

the last supper
was at Ma Maison.

[ Laughs ]

That, uh-- that-- that was--
that was really good, Billy.

Uh, Billy was two hours ago.

I'm Danny.

From Sermonette With Danny ?

Oh. Oh yeah. Well, let's, uh--

let's check our, uh, tote board
as we go into...

[ Yawning ]
Hour 25 and the new total is...

[ Drum roll ]

Minus-- minus 57.

L-- Listen, in this next hour,

I wanna see that board climb...

all the way to zero.

[ Phone rings ]

I'm, uh-- I'm going to
take this call personally.

[ Clears throat ]

Hello, you're on the air
with Dick Loudon.

Uh-- uh, Jo--Joanna, not now.

Well, some real--
real pledges might--

might be trying
to get through.

They could so.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm fine.

Everybody gets memory trouble
when-- when-- when
they're tired.

[ Sighs ]

Dick Loudon, 28 Westbrook Road.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, I-- I--
I missed you too last night.

I love you too. Good-bye.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, let's get back
with Reverend Lenny

and see some of his clips.

ANNOUNCER: And we're clear.

How's it going, marathon guy?

[ Yawning ]
Terrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick.

As you get closer
to total collapse,

I'm sure things will pick up.

Uh...

something up, guys?

Michael, you promised we'd get
our pay checks today.

Where are they?

Well, they are supposed to be,
uh--

Well, here they are now.
The checks.

-Hey, the checks are here!
-[ Excited chatter ]

Oh, uh, guys, here's your--
here's your checks, just--

just like I promised.

But, uh, WPIV management asks
one teensy favor.

Under no circumstances
try and cash them.

That does it.
We're leavin'.

[ Drum roll ]

Hey, guys, uh, try--

try and look at this
in a positive way.

You know, some of you could
stand to forego a couple
of meals

and shed a few kilos.

[ Giggles ]

Wait, wait--
wait a minute, guys.

If-- if you walk out that door,

you're saying goodbye to WPIV
...forever.

I mean, what-- what about

the close little family
we've become?

Norm, Greg, Ted.

Who the hell are they?

All-- all right, I'm having
a little trouble with names.

I-- I'm tired.

The-- the point is that

the-- the closer I get
to total collapse,

the more people will tune
in and-- and pledge.
Right, Michael?

That's the hope.

Let's job hunt, people.

Nice-- nice speech, big guy,
but I guess it's, uh,

I guess it's over.

Come on, I'll--

I'll drive you home.

I'm not leaving, Michael.

Sorry? No comprende .

I'm staying aqui .

Dick, there's no crew,
no camera operators,

no director.

It is my professional opinion

that you should go home,
Mr. Loudon.

Go to your tent, Timmy.

Wow.

Ignoring the doctor?

Dick, I have to tell you,
I think lack of sleep

has seriously impaired
your judgement,

and I demand you let me
take you home or else.

Or-- or else what?

Or else...

Or else I'm--

I'm gonna have to slap ya.

I'm not giving up.

Okay, Dick.
You leave me no choice.

Hysterical?

I'm sorry I had to do that.
Now, let's go.

No.

Well, Dick, I didn't wanna
have to do this,

but you're forcing me to
use my big gun.

I'm telling Joanna.

[ Sighs ]

Hi.

Sorry.

Sorry for that little
technical boo...

Uh, boo.

But as I said... sort of...

Sort of doing everything
myself.

Moi.

[ Crazed laugh ]

Now, I-- I got a couple more
pledges

which will bring our--
our tally-ho--

[ Laughs ]

Tally-- tally high up to--

[ Laughs ]

--a grand total of...

37 dolly-- dolly-ollars.

Now we've finally broken
that elusive zero barrier.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]
Hi.

Well, now,

I still-- still don't hear those
phones ringing so...

[ Camera creaking ]

Oh.

Oh no, not-- not again.

[ Crazed laugh ]

I guess-- I guess I lost--
I lost my head again, folks.

[ Crazed laugh ]

You know,

to show-- to show you how much

[ Laughing ]
I want those fundings,

I'm going-- I'm going to do
a "soft--sue".

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]
A sand dance.

Da. Da. Da.

Da. Da...

Da. Da.

I'm thinkin'...

10 songs is the maximum...

you can play on your head.

Safely.

-Ta da, ta da, ta da, tadaa!
-Hold--

Dick, the family cavalry's here.

Don't touch that dial!
Dick'll be right back!

Honey.
Honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Joanna.

I know. What is--
What is this?

Well, we decided
if you can't slap 'em,

join 'em.

I'm gonna run the cameras.

I'm gonna handle the phones.

I'm gonna show everyone
how to build a bookcase.

And I can go like this

much better than
that other girl.

And we're gonna talk--

Actually, we're still working
on that one.

I-- I am really beat.

Dick, Dick, everyone's
real excited about this.

Try and show a little
sensitivity.

Besides, you'll have
plenty of time to rest

once George gets rolling.

Now get-- get in there.

Go ahead, get in there
and intro the handyman.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, la-- uh, ladies
and gentlemen,

the-- the telethon will--
will continue after all.

Let's check our tote board total
once again.

93 dollars.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie.

My next guest is Mr. George...

[ Sighs ]

-Utley.
-Utley.

Oh, hi. Hi everyone.

I'm gonna show you how to build
a fine, quality bookcase.

So just sit back for the next
couple of hours,

enjoy...

and... pledge.

Now you see honey?

Now you can get a little rest.

[ Sighs ]

Now the first thing you do
is make a frame

by hammering these boards
together like this.

Always remember that when--

Ah!

Ow.

Oh, boy.

I really bashed my thumb.

Sorry, I'm out of it.
Back to you, Dick.

Huh? Ah.

Ex-- excuse me.

Now what do we do?

Michael,

I'm tired of tote board bowing.
I'm overqualified for it.

Well, Steph, is there any
other talent you have?

Any-- anything whatsoever?

Think.

[ Gasps ]

I sang once in boarding school.

Perfect! Get ready!

[ Sighs ]

Ladies and gentlemen, the--

musical stylings of Miss--

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Old Man River
that Old Man River

He must know somethin'

But don't say nothin'

He just keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

You and me, we sweat and strain

Body all achin'
And wracked with pain

Tote that barge
Lift that bale

Get a little drunk
And you land in jail

I gets weary and sick of tryin'

I'm tired of livin',
and feared of dyin'

But Old Man River,
he just keeps rollin' along

That's all I remember.

[ Sobbing ]
That was-- that was beautiful.

It was just-- just beautiful.

There is-- there is really

something going on inside
that girl.

Oh, he's really flaking out!

We-- We've gotta do something

to shock him back
to his senses.

Okay. Okay, guys. Go ahead.
This is your big chance!

Oh boy. The limelight beckons.

Hi. Hi guys.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl

and this is my other
brother...

...Darryl. Sorry.
Bit of stage fright.

Now--

now-- now you're in for a treat.

What-- what do you--

what do you wanna
talk about, fellas?

Well, I guess the most
excitin' thing for us

is our newly-patented
consumer item:

Dr. Dribble.

The only spoon with a patented
dribble catcher.

Oh yeah, we have an update

on our cow and kitty cat
cross-breeding experiment.

[ Phones begin to ring ]

Oh.

From-- from the sound of it,
things are--

are finally starting to pick--
pick up.

Honey, they're not pledging.

[ Phones ringing ]

What?

They all wanna order
Dr. Dribble.

Hot dog! A mail-order winner!
Look out, Popeil.

Pe-- uh, people.

You-- you cannot--

you cannot order Dr. Dribble
through-- through this station.

Please call only if-- if you
are-- if you're gonna
make a pledge.

[ Phones stop ringing ]

Well, that's-- that's better.

Hey, everyone. We're back.

[ Cymbal clash ]

Everything's all settled.

Oh, Dick, you did it!

The telethon saved the station!

Well, that's a nice thought.
Totally wrong, but nice.

The station owner found out

he needed to keep
'PIV on the air

for the tax write-off.

He said we could all
keep our jobs

if we pull the plug on this--

What did he call it?
A-- a fiasco?

Okay, honey.

Come on.
Let's go home now.

Honey, now-- now that
the whole crew is here,

I-- I can finish the telethon.

What are we gonna do?
He's delirious.

We'll never get him home.

Old Man River
That Old Man River

He must know somethin'

But don't say nothin'

It's so beautiful.

He just keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

Just so beautiful.

[ "Ol' Man River"
instrumental plays ]

Meow.