All language subtitles for Newhart S06E07

Stephanie, could you refill
this marmalade jar?

[ Sighs ]

Joanna, what do I look like?

A maid.

Do not.

And while you're at it,

the maple syrup pitchers
could use refilling.

[ Sighs ]

Well?

It... looks good, George.

Yeah, uh, no one, you know,
no one would ever--

ever guess it's a hairpiece.

It's part of my
Halloween costume.

The Cowardly Lion
from The Wizard of Oz .

Coming through with maple syrup.
Stupid, filthy trees.

Hi, Stephanie. This is part
of my Halloween costume.

Guess who I'm going as.

Joanna?

Stephanie!

It's the Cowardly Lion.

Oh.

Well, then, you'd better
add a tail or something

or everyone will be
guessing Joanna.

You know, Halloween was always
one of my favorite holidays.

I used to go trick-or-treating
door to door.

George, uh...

you're not... planning on going
trick-or-treating, are you?

Come on, Joanna,
I'm too old for that.

I mean, last year
I was pushing it.

Actually, uh...

I was kinda hoping
I could wear my costume

to a, uh, well,

[ Clears throat ]
costume party.

[ Gasps ]
Ooh! A party!

Right here at the Stratford!
Yes, why not?

How-- How's this for a why not?

Over my dead body.

Good costume idea, Dick!

I hate Halloween parties.

All-- All those people in--
in silly costumes

carving faces
in vegetables and...

I-- I mean all this
beautiful furniture.

There's-- There's great
potential for-- for nicks.

Come on, Dick. You won't even
have to do anything.

I'll take care
of the decorations,

the party games,

I'll even create
the spooky noises.

Ooh!

And I'll... come.

Dick, all you have to do
is sit back, drink cider,

and pass judgment.

All right.

-Let's party.
-Oh, Dick!

George...

Can-- can you give me
a hand here?

Something's poking me.

Oh, it's nothing,

just a jagged piece of tin
gouging at your side there.

I'm-- I'm such a sissy.

Boy, you've gotta watch out
for that costume.

You could nick the hell
outta this place.

GEORGE: Wow!

Look at us: a Cowardly Lion,
a Tin Man, and Vampira.

I'll bet that would've made
an even better movie.

[ Snickers ]

Hi, all!

Gee, it's great to be
in from the "ootside".

[ Giggles ]

Oh, Steph!

Well, that's it.
I'm "oot" of here.

Wait a minute, Dick.

Your rivet's open.

Made you look.

[ Giggles ]

Well, here I am.

I hope you all notice
that I'm dressed

as somebody you have to
bow down to.

-Michael.
-Oh, sorry, Steph.

Come on, you guys.

Dick, this is gonna be a party
you'll never forget.

I've recorded scary sounds,

there's gonna be
costume judging...

And are you ready for this?

Apple bobbing.

Gonna be a real night
of terror.

Don't worry about all this
Halloween hokum, Dick.

In a little while, you and I
can sneak upstairs

and watch a special
fright night on WPIV.

A twin bill of War of
the Worlds , a perennial
Halloween fave,

and a soon-to-be-classic:
The Boogens.

Honey, um, I don't know
how long I can stay here.

You know, I mean, The Boogens .

[ Knock on the door ]

-Oh.
-Someone's coming.

[ Recording of George howling ]

Wow, we just got here
and already I'm a-scared.

So who are you guys
supposed to be?

Well, I'm Tweedledee
and Chester's Tweedledum.

No, Jim. I'm Tweedledee,
and you're Tweedledum.

No, I'm not.

I get so sick of the same
argument year after year.

[ Thunder ]

I'm getting so many compliments
on this outfit.

Would it bother you
if I wore it all the time?

Hey, everybody!
Have you heard?

It's terrible! Horrible!

What are you talking about?

Harley, what the hell
kind of costume is that?

Well, I'm a ghost, but I get
a little claustrophobic.

Anyway, the world
is coming to an end!

What are you talking about?

It's all over TV!
Special news report.

Earth is being invaded
from outer space!

What?

Very funny, Harley.

No, really. I saw these
one-eyed creatures

and their spaceships
blasting whole cities

with their death rays!

I ran out to warn everybody

as soon as they broke
for commercial.

Commercial?

Wait-- wait-- wait--
wait a minute.

In-- In this--
In this news report,

did you see any famous
Hollywood stars?

Hey, now that you mention it,
they got Gene Barry!

All right, everybody relax.

Michael is running the movie
War of the Worlds tonight,

which is about
an alien invasion.

Tell-- uh, tell 'em, Michael.

Well, actually--
[ Clears throat ]

Tell-- Tell 'em what, Dick?

That you're showing
War of the Worlds tonight.

No, I'm not.

We're supposed
to be running Klute .

Frankly, this whole story
sounds chilling to me!

Ooh!

You mean it's not a movie?

Didn't those psychics in, uh,
the tabloids

predict something
exactly like this?

Wait a minute.

On my way over here,

I saw a buncha strange lights
in the sky.

Where?

Over the airport.

And I heard strange
truck-like noises

coming from the highway.

Mike-- Michael, what--
what are you trying to do?

Dampen those decibels, Dick.
Opportunity is knocking.

I mean, this is my chance to be
the Orson Welles of the '80s.

You know, recreate that
boffo panic he caused

during his younger,
thinner days.

That--
That's ridiculous, Michael.

That-- That was caused by
a radio show 40 years ago.

I mean, uh, people aren't
gonna fall for that

in-- in this day and age.

Are you kidding?

These people might as well
have signs on their back

saying, "Hoax me!"

And the last report on TV said
they were coming this way!

CROWD: Oh!

And-- And you know what their
logical first stop will be.

Bed and breakfasts!
[ Gasps ]

People, people, Michael
just confessed to me

he's trying to pull
a hoax on you,

just like Orson Welles did
40 years ago.

Nice try, Dick,
but I think these people

are adult enough
to know that...

...we're under siege!

[ Screams, panicked commotion ]

Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute!
This is crazy.

I mean, who are you
gonna believe,

someone who has everything
in the world to gain by--

by telling fantastic stories
or-- or me?

Let's barricade the door!

People, will you-- will you
please put my furniture down.

And-- And for God's sake,
don't nick it.

Look, any invading aliens
advanced enough

to travel eons in vehicles
we can barely comprehend

are-- are not gonna be stymied
by a pile of furniture.

Sure, Dick. You want us to leave
the porch light on too?

O-- Okay. Okay!
I'll-- I'll make a deal.

Just the parsons bench.

Care-- Carefully!

Wait!

Before we're sealed up in here,

I feel it's my duty
to run through town

and sow the seeds of panic!

Michael, I'm scared.

I'm dressed like a princess,

so they're going to naturally
assume I'm the leader.

Although, no matter
how I'm dressed,

they'd probably assume that.

Okay.
What do we do now?

We need to start making
some torches.

I can help you do--

Torches are for monsters.

Shovels are for UFOs.

Everyone, I'm gonna try
one more time.

What Harley saw on TV
was a movie

about Martians invading Earth.

What-- What do you think they
were doing with Gene Barry?

Now, Dick's got a point
about Gene Barry.

Finally.

Obviously, they've come
for our celebrities.

Then, what are we
going to do?

Well, let's give 'em Dick.

-MAN: Yeah!
-MAN 2: That might work!

-What?
-What?

Jim's right.

Dick may not be much, but he's
the only celebrity we've got.

Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute.

Be-- Besides what Harley
saw on television,

what-- what other proof

do we have that there
really is an invasion?

Well, what about the lights
over the airport

and the truck-like noises
from the highway?

Airplanes and trucks.

Boy, he'll say anything to keep
from being handed over.

People, all you have to do
is turn on any TV,

and you'll see that
it's a movie.

Where is the TV?

Well, the closest one
is up in our bedroom.

To the bedroom!

My God, those fiends have
knocked 'PIV completely
off the air!

-Oh.
-Aw.

Michael, you knocked off
the antenna.

Oh, sorry.

[ Death ray noises ]

Now can you see
it's just a movie?

[ Test pattern beep ]

What's that?

It's the WPIV test pattern.

Oh, my God!
It's hideous!

Something's really wrong.

Now, they're really off the air.

I-- I better call the station,
see if anything's wrong.

Phones are dead!

-Oh!
-Oh!

Sure they are.
Give me that.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

It is dead.

A-ha!

See, that is exactly
how the Martians do it.

They always knock out
the communications.

[ Gasps, screams ]

-STEPHANIE: Oh, my.
-JOANNA: Stephanie, it's okay.

And this has got Martians
written all over it.

We found some more lanterns.

Michael, how much longer
do we have to do this

fearing for our lives thing?

Relax, Steph. There's nothing
to be scared of.

[ Whimpering ]
I think.

WOMAN: Ah.

Ev-- Everything's gonna be fine.

They're toying with us,
seeing if we crack.

Uh, boy, they-- they picked
the wrong group here.

People, don't you--
don't you realize that the--

the TV station going off the air

and-- and-- and the blackout
could-- could be--

could be because,

I don't know, the storm?

But that isn't the only
strange thing

that's been happening, Dick.

I didn't wanna
mention this, but...

I noticed that Peterson's store
was out of maple syrup today.

But they're never out.

That's a heck of a piece
of information

to be sitting on, Tyler.

What does maple syrup have
to do with flying saucers?

Who knows?

I'm not about to try
and outguess

the keen, advanced mind
of the alien.

They probably use it
for rocket fuel.

Of course!

It's rare on their planet,
and Vermont is drippin' in it!

It all fits!

[ Thunder rumbling ]

You know, Drew, that's a--

that's a darn
intelligent theory,

but you know, it seems to me

that we'd all be a lot safer

panicking in the comfort
of our own homes.

You're sending us out there,
Dick?

Well, why don't you just ring
the dinner bell?

Well, I'm not budging
one more inch.

We're safe and sound
sealed tight inside here.

-Excuse me.
-[ Screams ]

They're here!
Jump it! Kill it!

-What is it? What is it?
-Tyler...

It's Cara Huffman.

Okay, everybody.
Don't kill it.

How did you get in here,
Cara?

Through the mud porch.

We forgot to barricade
the other doors!

Oh, no, the kitchen furniture!

I-- I'm sorry. I just need
to use the phone.

JOANNA: Our phones are dead.

Oh, dear.

I was driving home and--

Well, this is gonna
sound crazy,

a large, glowing object

suddenly appeared
in the middle of the road.

[ Gasps, concerned muttering ]

Glowing object?

Yeah. I swerved to avoid it,
ran into a ditch,

and bumped my head.

When I came to,

five minutes had passed,
and it was gone.

I've got bad news,
Mrs. Huffman.

We have every reason to believe
this planet

is being invaded
by extraterrestrials.

Oh, my God!

There's no telling
what the fiends

could have done to her
while she was out.

Maybe they're here
to reproduce.

Oh! I think I feel an alien
growing inside me.

Ew.

People, this is insane.

If-- If there really were
aliens, they-- they'd be
here by now.

Where-- Where are they?

Dick's got a point.

You know, maybe we can't
see them

because they're already
among us.

MAN: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Oh, my God.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Who in this room
could be from space?

Oh, now, that does it!

Oh, it all makes sense now.

He's the one that was trying
to convince us

there was no invasion.

And he was the one
who was trying

to drive us outside
into their clutches.

Or whatever they have.

Sure.
He's got the perfect set-up.

He runs an inn

so his Martian buddies'll
have a place to bunk down.

And he writes how-to books
to teach his alien friends

how to adapt to life on Earth.

And he controls the airwaves,

lulling us into
a semi-conscious state

every week with his show.

Does this mean my baby
will look like him?

Hold on here, all of you.

I have lived and worked
with Dick Loudon

for six years,
and I can definitely say

I don't really know him.

Sorry, Dick, but you do
kind of keep to yourself.

People, my husband
is not an alien.

Don't listen to her.
She's probably a droid.

She is always buying
a lot of batteries

whenever we go to the store.

Stephanie, what are you
talking abou--?

All right, all right!

[ Gasps ]

Stay where you are.

Don't make me use this.

If-- If you all leave my home
immediately,

without...
nicking the furniture,

I may spare you.

I said, "Leave!"

Nimradi hom a gig na nee!

Well, aren't you gonna go?

Come on, Dick. No alien
would talk like that.

Yeah, what do you
take us for, idiots?

[ Knocking at the door ]
[ Gasp ]

Open up.
It's Officer Shifflett.

Uh, uh, s-- sorry,
Officer Shifflett,

we can't let you in until
we're sure you're human.

Okay, sounds like I have to take
down this doorway with my ram.

In three...

Wa-- Uh, wait!

Ram bluff gets 'em every time.

Hi, Officer Shifflett.

Sorry, there's been
some craziness here.

Not surprising
under the circumstances.

Caught this man doing
the Paul Revere bit,

saying we're all about
to become Martian meat.

Boy, am I glad
to see you, Officer.

Someone to finally
set these people

straight about this--

this invasion business.

Uh, tell 'em, won't you?

Be glad to.

Looks like we're under siege
from outer space.

[ Screams ]

What?

I'm here to round up
a few good men

to kick some
extraterrestrial butt.

You wanna fight them?

Hey, I don't care if those
Marskis got two, three butts,

I'll kick every last one.

Okay, people, it's posse time.

Okay, you, Lion,

the chub in green tights,

Tweedles dum and dee,

garbage can.

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I can't make you fight
for your planet.

You stay behind here
with the women and children.

And-- And the Mountie.

Officer Shifflett,
can't you see this--

this whole outer space, uh,
scare is-- is-- is ridiculous?

Look, I might as well tell ya,

there've been numerous
reports comin' in.

Saucers?

Cows.

Seems the countryside's dotted
with some strange moos.

Oh, no!

Cows in Vermont!

There's more.

Seems these particular milkers

are of a glow-in-the-dark
variety.

MAN: Yeah! Martians...

[ Concerned muttering ]
Oh, my God!

I take it from this reaction

that cows aren't supposed
to glow in the dark?

No, ma'am.

Okay, posse, let's move out.

STEPHANIE: Oh!

Posse halt.

Look! There's one of them
glowing cows!

Holy moly! This is real.

Look!

Something dark and scary
is coming this way!

-[ Screaming ]
-Save us!

Super wide,
and it's got feelers.

Quick!

Douse the lanterns and hide!

[ Wind howling ]

LARRY: Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

GEORGE: They're the guys
from space?

DICK: That would explain
so much.

We were hopin' to borrow
some non-abrasive cleanser.

What for, guys?

Well, we were trick-or-treatin',

and when Farmer Gordon
wouldn't treat,

Darryl here sprayed his cows
with fluorescent paint.

But then we realized
when those cows

are huddled together to sleep,

they wouldn't get wink one
with each other shinin'
in their eyes.

Well, that closes the file
on the luminescent livestock.

I've made the Earth safe for
carbon-based lifeforms again.

'Scuse me, but you folks
look pretty panicked.

It appears we missed out
on a lot of fun.

Well, Larry, some people here
mistook the glowing cows,

among other things,
for a Martian invasion.

What a bunch of rubes.

No invasion?

Boy, are we a couple
of dumbheads or what?

Meow.