All language subtitles for Newhart S06E01

Morning, George.

Dick, I've got a serious
personal problem

and I'd like to discuss it
with you.

Okay.

I need a nickname, Dick,
and I need it soon.

Well, the--

the first question that--
that pops to mind is, uh,

why?

Well, the Beavers are
putting out a facebook.

Facebook?

You know, a book of pictures
of our faces

with our names under them?

All the Beavers except me
have nicknames.

There's Dwayne "Porky" Moyer,

Haymond "Noodle" Birkhead...

George, why don't you just

pick a name that you like
and-- and use it?

No, a nickname has to be
a genuine reflection

of how people around you
feel about you.

Come on, Dick,
finish this sentence.

"I think George is..."

Is, uh-- is-- is swell.

George "Swelly" Utley.

No good, Dick.

It makes me sound
like I have a condition.

Try something else.

[ Clears throat ]

I-- I-- I'll work on it, George.

Okay, but I don't have
much time.

I have to get a nickname
and get it into general use

by next Tuesday.

Morning, everybody.

-WOMAN: Good Morning.
-GEORGE: Oh, morning, Joanna.

Uh, Mrs. Loudon?

Are-- are you gonna go
birdwatching

with us again today?

Oh, I don't think I can, Andy.

Oh. Oh, that's too bad.

I think we're really closin' in
on that evening grosbeak.

It'll be my loss.

Okay, well, um, if I see it,

I'll take an extra picture
for ya.

Two different f-stops.

Is that the one
with the crush on you?

Yeah. Isn't he cute?

Could, uh-- could--
could I get in on this?

We're just talking
about the little crush

Andy seems to have on me.

Oh, really?

I-- I didn't notice anything.

It's in the eyes.

Well, maybe Dick's right.

I'm probably reading too much
into things.

Exactly.

What-- what things?

Oh, the way that he
opened the door for me,

the fact that he carried
my binoculars home.

The eyes.

There now.

That's better, huh?

Thanks, Mrs. Loudon.

I probably shouldn't have gone
for that second f-stop.

Oh.

Told you he has a crush.

He sprained his ankle, George.
That's all.

He's in pain, not love.

Isn't this sweet?

What is it?

A little haiku
Andy wrote for me.

"The lovely warbler...

Your eyes and voice overwhelm...

He pales, you shimmer."

Okay, he's got a crush.

Who has a crush?

Andy has a crush on Joanna.
Satisfied?

Well, that's odd.

I don't remember Andy
having a crush on me.

He doesn't have it on you,
he has it on me.

Right.

But the natural course of events

would be for him
to have a crush on me,

feel rejected
and then move on to you.

Unless-- un-- unless something
is very wrong.

Nobody panic, but...

I think I'm starting
to doubt myself.

Oh, dear.

Here, here.

Sweep it off.

[ Clears throat ]

You're not upset
about this crush thing?

Honey, I-- I was young once.

All young men have crushes
on older women.

It's-- It's harmless.

What do you mean, older?

Having lived more years than he.

I see.

Wait-- wait-- wait a minute.

You-- you can't get mad at me
for saying you're older

when... you are older.

I can get mad
when you say "older"

as if it were synonymous
with "ancient."

That's kind of how it sounded
to me too, Dick.

George...

Cupcake, good news.

The rebate
on the espresso machine

came today,

so there's dinero for dinner.

What's wrong?

Michael, see that boy
over there?

Yeah?

He doesn't have a thing for me.

Go on.

No, I think it's true.

Watch.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you reading?

Uh, a magazine.

Michael, comfort me!

Cupcake, I know this is gonna be
hard to believe,

but there's gonna be
the occasional guy

who doesn't like...

...girls.

But he likes Joanna,
just not me.

He's sick!

Do you really think so?

What else could it be?
He's at that age.

Maybe his hormones
kicked in funny or something.

That does happen sometimes,
doesn't it?

Besides, Steph, you have me now

so you've probably been
sending out

"not available" vibes.

Don't be silly, Michael.

No.

You were right the first time.
He's sick.

Poor thing.

Well, let's eat.

Might wanna check the gloss on
those sweet lips, sweet lips.

Boy, the way you come up
with nicknames is amazing.

It's a gift.

Michael, I need a nickname.

Well, let's throw the old brain
into first

and see what we get.

I would suggest Tool Jockey

...or Denim Dude.

Or my personal favorite, Bub.

Well, thanks, Michael.

Anytime, bub.

Ah.

Have you come up
with any nicknames for me?

Uh-- uh, not yet, George.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, I don't-- I don't look like
a Bub to you?

Do I, Dick?

Not really.

What's wrong with me, Dick?

Why don't I have a nickname?

George, not-- not
everybody does. I-- I don't.

Sure you do.

Dick is a nickname for Richard.

Your college friends
named you Slats.

Even the fellows
at the barbershop,

they-- they call you
"that writer guy."

You're a fountain of nicknames.

Well-- well,
maybe I was a bad choice.

Uh, Michael doesn't have
a nickname.

Well, that's because people

aren't really that crazy
about Michael.

Maybe that's why I don't have
a nickname.

Because no one's really crazy
about me.

And I never knew until
they didn't call me Bub.

[ Knock on the door ]

Come in.

Hi, Joanna.

Oh, um, I didn't know
you were here.

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh-- I--
I sleep here.

With-- with my wife.

What do you want, Andy?

Oh, I-- I just wanted
to return this.

Thanks. My ankle feels
a lot better.

-Oh good.
-Yeah, super.

Well, uh, good night.

Good night, sweetie.

Good-bye.

You know, Joanna, uh,

this is getting a touch
out of hand and--

and I think, you know,

you're starting
to encourage him.

What?

I think maybe it's time to,
you know,

nip this thing in the bud.

Dick, don't be ridiculous.
I was just being nice.

He's only gonna be here
a few more days,

and I don't want his first crush
to end with him hurt.

-[ Clears throat ]
-Come on. Be a sport.

Well, I guess I can

try not to feel threatened
by a 16-year-old.

Besides, um, I understand
being a sport

really impresses the ladies.

[ Giggles ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

What? What?

Oh, I was just remembering
something Andy said.

-[ Chuckles ]
-[ Laughs ]

What?

He asked me whether it was
important to women

that their men shave.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I gotta give you credit
for keeping a straight face

with all those-- those goofy
questions.

[ Laughs ]

No, actually,

I'm sort of flattered
by Andy's affections.

He makes me feel less ancient.

If I were 16,
I'd be crazy about him.

J--Joanna, you wanna--
you wanna quit now?

I'm starting to have
a little trouble

being a sport.

I just think the crush
is a nice thing

that both Andy and I can enjoy.

[ Knock on door ]

ANDY: Joanna?

And tomorrow, I'll nip it.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

It's me, Dick.

George "Nothing" Utley.

Joanna said you wanted
to see me.

George, I spent all morning

coming up with a nickname
for ya,

and I found one I think--
I think is perfect.

[ Drum roll ]

Dusty!

I don't like it, Dick.

How can you not like it?
It's perfect.

You're a handyman,

so sometimes you get
...dusty.

That's not a real good reason,
Dick.

Well, besides, uh,

Dusty was the name
of my favorite, uh,

cowboy star when I was a kid.

And I kinda remind you of him?

Okay.

George "Dusty" Utley.
[ Chuckles ]

"Hey, Dusty!"

[ Chuckles ]

"Good ol' Dusty Utley."

It's growing on me, Dick.
Thanks.

Any time, George.

See you later, Slats.

[ Chuckles ]
See ya...

Dust.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you-- you talk to Andy?

Yeah.

And?

And it was a good talk.

I laid the groundwork for...

explaining to him how this...

infatuation is not such
a good idea,

and the next time
I see him I'll--

definitely be able to tell him
it has to stop.

When-- when will that be?

On our date.

Joanna, don't you think
that-- that-- that dating him

i--is encouraging him?

I know, Dick.

I didn't want this to happen,

but you know what
a hard time I have saying no.

No, I don't.

Back in New York,
when I didn't wanna

go out with a boy
on a second date,

I wouldn't say no,

I'd just bring my roommate
Betsy along.

And sometime during the evening,
she'd tell him.

Seems like an extreme way
for an adult--

Wait a minute!

You brought Betsy
on our second date!

Well, yeah, but Betsy thought
you were too cute

and wouldn't tell you
why she was there.

You mean, we're together because
Betsy wouldn't break up with me?

And I have never regretted
her decision.

Honey, this isn't helping me
with Andy.

I'm still bad at saying no.

Well, then--
then, let me teach you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

Do-- do you like
Brussels sprouts?

No.

Great!

You seem ready for me.
Okay, go!

Dick, I don't wanna hurt him.

You wanna see this
for the rest of your life?

[ Sighs ]

No.

Just keep saying that word.

[ Clears throat ]

Dick, would you--?

Just call me Betsy.

I don't know what to do.

It's simple.

Just tell him how you feel.

But I wanna let him down gently.

Well, then, tell him
how you feel in a haiku.

-Oh. Hi, Joanna.
-Hi.

Mr. Loudon.

Um, are you ready
to go to lunch?

Andy, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I'm-- I'm just here to, uh--

I'm-- I'm just here.

Andy, I like you.

I really like you, but--

Now, I know the word "but"
is usually followed

by something negative
in these situations, but...

in this case,

what's about to come
is not really...

negative, but more...

neutral.

Now, it may not seem neutral
now, but one day you'll see--

Oh, I-- I know, adults are
always saying,

"One day you'll see," but--

that's because we,
being adults,

are older and wiser

and know that one day
you really will see

what we are already seeing

and are now telling you.

So what I mean is,

Andy, I like you.

What-- what Joanna
is trying to say, Andy,

i--is no.

As-- as in no, you can't go
to lunch with her,

no she can't accept
any more gifts from you,

and no, she can't be your girl,
so cut it out. Okay?

Oh.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Sorry.

See ya.

Boy, when you say you're--
you're not good at something,

you-- you don't give yourself
enough credit.

But he-- he seemed
to take it pretty well.

And why did he have to
be told, Dick?

[ Chuckles ]

-Because we decided--
-JOANNA: No.

JOANNA: You decided.

You decided that even though

he'd be gone
in three little days,

he had to be told today.

And you decided
that something was wrong

with someone paying a little
special attention to me.

In fact, you were the only
person uncomfortable

about this situation,

and now you're the only one
who isn't miserable.

Well, I hope you're good
and happy now, Mr-- You!

A-- Andy, wh--why don't--

why don't you have a seat?

I-- I didn't bring you here to--
to yell at you.

You gonna slug me?

No, I just wanna ask you
some questions.

Okay.

You're-- you're leaving
on Sunday, right?

Yes, sir.

And you have no plans to ever,
ever come back here?

Not really. No.

Remember that flirting

that you were doing
with my wife?

Yeah.

Well, start doing it again.

Sir?

Start doing it again.

You told me not to.

A-- Andy, I don't wanna have to
go into this with you.

I'm the adult so obviously,
I know best.

Now, go flirt with my wife.

Um, uh, anything special
that you want me to do?

Here.

Here's-- here's some money.

Go-- go buy some--
some flirt things.

Just go-- go wild.

Oh, um, is it all right if I
get 'em tomorrow morning?

I have a group sing tonight.

Fine.

You don't think this is
at all weird?

Andy, don't analyze
this thing to death!

Oh, and, Andy.

Yeah?

If you tell anyone about this,

I'll slug ya.

Morning, Dick.

Morning-- morning, George.
I-- I mean, Dusty.

Uh, I need to talk to you
about that, Dick.

The name's not working out.

Why-- wh-- why not?

I realized a nickname
can be dangerous.

I-- I can't
even imagine, George.

Suppose I'm crossing
a busy street.

A huge truck is
barrelling towards me

at top speed.

But for some reason,
I don't notice it.

I'm moseying along

without a care in the world.

Suddenly, some pal of mine
sees the truck,

realizes the danger and yells,
"Watch out, Dusty!"

In the split second it takes me
to realize I'm Dusty,

I could be something you gotta
put flares around.

I n-- I never thought of that.

And-- and I never would have.

I think it's a lot safer
to go through life

with a name you know is yours.

Well, this has been
a pretty morbid conversation.

I think I'll go to my room

and practice
my reaction time.

[ Gasps ]

Dick, do you want breakfast now?

No, I think I'll wait until, uh,
Joanna comes in

and sees Andy and...

happiness reigns again
in-- in my little inn.

I'm turning stuff off
in five minutes.

Morning.

Morning.

Are you, uh,

are you mad?

Yes.

At myself.

Huh?

Last night I was having
trouble sleeping,

and I realized that maybe it was
because I was...

wrong.

You w-- you w-- you were?

I was so caught up
in Andy's flattery

that I was leading him on.

He needed to be told.

Not the way you told him,

but I'm... glad it's over.

Yeah.

Yeah, me-- me-- me-- me too.

Hi, Joanna.

Um, these are for you.

An-- Andy!

I-- I-- I thought we decided we
weren't gonna do this anymore.

Mr. Loudon,

I wish you'd just go ahead
and slug me.

I mean, one minute
you tell me to stop,

the next minute you tell me
to start again and--

Hold it.

Start again?

You come with me.
You stay here.

That's "Mr. You."

Sit.

Andy, all your attention
is very nice,

but I'm afraid I can't return
your feelings

because mine are already
promised to someone else.

Mr. Loudon.

He's the one who said it
was okay to do this stuff.

Well,

as much as I love Mr. Loudon,
unfortunately, he is a lunatic.

Andy, you need
to save your efforts

for somebody who's free
to care back.

And whoever she turns out to be,

I'm gonna be a little jealous
of her.

Really?

Mm-hm.

Well, I won't
bring her here, then.

Thank you.

Dick, do you wanna eat now?

I, uh, think I'll wait
until the yelling stops.

Will that be before or after
happiness reigns?

Go away.

[ Clears throat ]

First of all, you acted as if
that boy had no feelings.

I-- I know.

Secondly, Andy is not a pawn
to be used

to cheer somebody up.

You're-- you're right.

And most of all,

I think what you did
was very sweet.

S--sweet?

Stupid, but well-intentioned
and sweet.

Well, you know, I-- you know,
that-- I mean,

that's what I was shooting for.

Were the roses your idea?

Well, they--
they are your favorite.

And the note?

You-- you love those.

And the picnic brunch?

Well, you know
how crazy you are--

He...

He invited you
to a picnic brunch?

Yeah, in Vickers Park
in 15 minutes.

He already bought the food.

Uh, Joanna?

Wait for Betsy.

Meow.