All language subtitles for Newhart S05E03

"The first time you apply
acoustical tile to your ceiling

is like the first time man
conquered space."

No, it isn't.

-Hi, how's the book coming? -Oh,
it's, uh, coming along.

So I see.

I'm sure Shakespeare made
lots of these.

All right, Joanna. It's...

It's just not flowing
like my last one,

Say It with Tub Enclosures.

That-- that baby just
poured out of me.

Honey, you can't keep
procrastinating like this.

Don't you have a deadline?

Uh, sort of. It's due...

...two days ago.

It's all right. I've only got a
few chapters left.

Now, I-- I really, really have
to get back to work.

Wow.

All those beautiful red leaves.

One, two, three...

Excuse me, Dick. I left my
lug wrench here.

I'll be out of your
way in a jiffy.

Uh, uh, George, you don't
have to rush off.

Why don't you stick around, and
we'll... we'll talk a while.

I can't, Dick.

Joanna told me you might try to
pull something like this.

I promised her I wouldn't give
you the time of day.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello?

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. You have
the wrong number.

So what's-- what's going on?

Oh, wow, look at all
the red books.

One, two?

Life in the Old West.

"Jed Lawson rode into town,

hankerin' for a home-cooked
meal, a fresh horse,

and a hunk of gold.

Boy, I must've read this
a hundred times.

A hundred and one.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my
brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

And we have a major bulletin.

The caf� has gotten
a bit boring.

Seems to just be cook, serve,
clear, cook, serve, clear.

Then every six months you
hose the place down,

and it starts all over.

Larry, bulletins are usually
shorter than this.

Well, cuttin' to the chase,

we decided to supplement our
restaurant income

by revivin' our once thrivin'
business: Anything For a Buck.

Well, that's great, guys,

but I can't think of
anything I need you for.

I mean, it's not like you could
do my work for me. Can you?

With all due respect, Miss
Stephanie, what's your job?

We never see you do
much of anything.

I'm the housekeeper.

I dust the rooms, I touch other
people's used bed linen.

I scrape gum out of soap dishes.

Whoo! Lots of perks.
We'll do it.

Okay.

But part of the deal has to be

that this is a
secret between us.

My lips are sealed. Darryl?
Darryl?

Oh, hi, guys. I didn't
see you come in.

They just got here. Right?

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my
brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

Stephanie, when you
finish breakfast,

Mrs. Winnock in Room 6 needs
extra blankets and bath towels.

Joanna, it's like you expect me
to do the work of three people.

Well, come on, Darryl. We
best be gettin'.

We wanna make a good
impression on our first day.

Of the rest of our lives.

Oh, morning, honey.

I've... I've come to a major
decision about my life.

Yeah?

Joanna, I wanna be a cowboy.

How about some black coffee?

No, I mean it. I wanna
ride the range,

rope steer and sleep
under the big sky.

Isn't this a lot of
trouble to go through

just to keep from
writing your book?

It has nothing to do with my
deadline. I read this novel,

and it reawakened all my
childhood dreams

of being a cowboy.

Dick, you're serious?

Joanna, don't you see
what's happening?

I-- I can't finish my book
because I'm in a rut.

I mean, if you stop growing and
moving forward, you become...

...like me.

Dick, honey,

you're a city boy with
lower back problems.

How are you gonna
ride the range?

You have no experience.

Really?

Three hundred and fifty-two
pages. I read them all.

Everything's in here; riding,
roping, squaddling.

Squaddling?

Squaddling is the art of tying
your horse to a hitching post

with a single flip of the reins.

Morning, Dick, Joanna.
How you doing?

Dick wants to be a cowboy.

Pretty goomy, Dick.

She isn't telling it right,
George.

I just wanna take some time
off and go out west

and, uh, live in a
bunkhouse and...

-Be a cowboy. -Yeah.

I mean, George, haven't you ever
chased a-- a boyhood dream?

Sure.

I always wanted to be
like my dad,

to be one of the best darn
handymen in all of Vermont.

Wow, I made it!

George, I just wanna live
out my dreams.

I-- I checked with some ranches
in Oklahoma and Wyoming.

and when they want me,
I'm-- I'm ready.

This is all so silly. You
can't really want to--

Joanna, don't fence me in.

Okay, guys. All clear.

Come on, Darryl, don't you be
pokin' around in there.

He ain't never seen the inside
of a vacuum cleaner bag before.

Come on. Let's sneak you up
to the guest rooms.

Stephanie!

Stephanie, what are you
doing with all that?

Making the inn spotless.

Don't you want that, Joanna?

Something strange is
going on here.

There certainly is. I
heard about Dick.

Stephanie, there is nothing
wrong with Dick.

He's simply
re-examining his life.

Well, the train
leaves in an hour.

By sundown tomorrow, I'll be in
a bunkhouse in Oklahoma,

polishing my saddle and rolling
my own cigarettes.

But, Dick, you don't smoke.

I don't wanna smoke 'em, I
just wanna roll 'em.

Yeah, he's fine.

Honey, you can't leave. You have
responsibilities here.

[ Hums the Bonanza theme ]

I came to wish you luck, Dick.

Or should I call you "Pa"?
[ Giggles ]

Michael?

Dick, what are you gonna do when
you want your horse to come?

[ Bell rings ] Front, please!

You really should do
well out west.

It's a well-known fact
that innkeepers

are the toughest guys out there.

[ Laughs ]

Michael, I have spurs in here
that jingle jangle and maim.

Okay, I'm-- I'm outta here.

[ Horse snorts, trumpets ]

Hi--ho, How To Book Writer,
away!

Dick, I'm not real big
on good-byes,

but here's a little something

for those long, lonely
nights on the prairie.

Oh, gee, George. A harmonica.
Thank you.

It's the Billy the Kid model,
Dick.

I-- I didn't know Billy the Kid
played the harmonica.

I think he just killed a
man who played one.

Dick, did you hear that?

They shoot people for playing
harmonicas out there.

Joanna, I know this
is ridiculous,

but it-- it's something I
just have to do.

Your mind is made up, isn't it?

I-- I can't fight it.

I'm a-goin'.

All right, Dick, if you feel so
strongly about it,

go west, middle--aged man.

Thanks, honey.

Well, I'll either be back in a
week or I'll send for ya.

Next.

Yeah?

What can I do for you?

I'm here to sign on as
a hired hand.

[ Laughs ] Where did you
get those chaps?

You a rodeo clown or something?

I talked to you on the phone. My
name's Dick Loudon.

Oh, yeah. Loudon.

Sounded younger and
bigger on the phone.

You interested in
hiring the voice?

Or the man?

So, uh, what'd you
wanna work on?

Chuckwagon or something?

I'm here to ride, to rope,
to squaddle.

Squaddle? What's that?

That's where you tie your horse
to a hitching post

with one flip of the reins.

Really?

I can handle myself.

Give me a-- give me a shot.
[ Sighs ]

Well, I guess any guy who knows
what squaddling is

deserves a chance.

Pay is 600 a month, plus room
and grub. We rise at five.

No gamblin', no town women, no
killin', no horse stealin'.

I can live with that.

Welcome aboard, cowboy.

Hey, who's the stranger?

So, what are you, the new
chuckwagon guy?

No, I'm not here to cook.

I'm here to cowboy. The
name's Loudon.

Well, I'm Chet. This is Roby,
Wayne, Les, Miguelito and Jilel.

-Howdy. -Stranger, you
got a bunk yet?

Not yet.

Why don't you take this
one right here?

Thanks.

You missed quite a day on
the range, stranger.

Tough, huh?

Oh, it was hell.

Sunup, sundown,

14 hours of riding dusty
trails and then, boom.

The Toyota blew a gasket.

You-- you round up
cattle with a truck?

Say, you hungry, stranger? We
could rustle you up some grub.

Well, all day long I've been
hankering for steak,

beans and biscuit.

Well, sorry, today's Wednesday.
Salad night.

We need the roughage.

I think I'll pass.

So whereabouts you from,
stranger?

Does it matter?

Well, I guess we're all running
away from something.

Me, I ran into a little
trouble down in Texas.

What-- what kind of trouble?

I had a chain of patio
furniture stores

that went into Chapter 11.

Sounds rough.

So I drifted up here.

This place has been
pretty good to me.

So the ranch owner's a fair man?

Ranch owner?

This spread's a
wholly-owned subsidiary

of DeForest Chemical
Incorporated.

That must be some branding iron.

Hey, you. Indoor Face.

Me?

Yeah. You got your
gear on my bunk.

I didn't know.

Loudon, meet Bart.

Bart, Loudon's the
new hired hand.

Looks kind of puny.

You got any experience, Loudon?

Well, I've eaten salad
and sat a Toyota.

What do you think you're doing?

Rolling a cigarette.

This is a no smokin' bunkhouse,
stranger.

Yeah, you tryin' to kill us?

I don't believe this. I-- I came
out west for-- for adventure.

And look where I end up: the
Lazy Quiche Ranch.

Not a bad first day, Loudon.

Washing a truck is not exactly
what I had in mind.

You ain't so hot. I've seen
that chrome shinier.

It's time to have some fun. Les,
get the kit.

Finally.

I can seek my teeth in a down
and dirty game of poker.

Poker?

What are you talkin' about,
Loudon?

Gamblin's against the rules.

Have a little respect for the
corporation you work for.

What are we doing tonight?

What we always do on Thursdays.

Watch video cassettes.

Hey, guys.
I rented High Noon .

High Noon ?
What's that about?

Forget it.

Tonight we're watchin'
The Muppets Take Manhattan .

Again? Bart, do we have to?

I say we have to. Anybody got a
problem with that?

No.

I got a problem with
The Muppets Take Manhattan .

You do, do you?

Not as a film.

It's a delightful romp with
strong production values.

But it seems everybody
in the bunkhouse

wants to watch High Noon .

You're talkin' mighty tough for
a guy with clown pants.

I don't want trouble, Bart.

I'm just following the
code of the west:

Majority rules when it comes
to videocassettes.

-He's right, Bart. -He's right.

Okay. High Noon tonight.

But only tonight.

Wow, nobody ever stood up
to Bart before.

Yeah, he's really something.

Yeah, you're pretty tough
around VCRs, Loudon.

But let's see how tough you are
tomorrow on the range.

Well, I'm meeting
Michael for lunch.

Your chores are all done?

At 11:30?

Joanna, I'm good.

Stephanie, something suspicious
has been going on here lately.

The guests have been
mentioning odd occurrences,

like happy faces
carved in the soap.

Oh. I'm just the maid.

I suppose I'm not allowed to
express myself as an artist.

[ Scream ]

Larry, what was that scream?
What were you doing upstairs?

Joanna, it's obvious!

They... got lost and
stepped on a cat.

Nice try, Miss Stephanie,

but I'm afraid we've been
caught rubber-handed.

We was just fixin' to
clean the bathtub,

but I guess the bather
still had feet to do.

You mean you've been
doing her chores?

This has to stop immediately.

Stephanie is the
housekeeper here.

Oh, poo. Come on, Larry.

It's okay. We'll work
something out.

Oh, no, you won't.

Guys...

Here's a dollar. Don't ever work
for Miss Stephanie again.

I'm sorry, Miss Stephanie, but
it is Anything for a Buck.

So you're leavin', huh?

Yep.

You know, from the time we first
seen you, we had our doubts.

You sure proved us wrong.

You earned our respect, Loudon.

Yeah. Nobody could
double-clutch like Loudon.

Better get outta here
before Bart gets back.

He said he didn't even
wanna see you today.

Loudon.

You still here?

I guess I am.

Why do you have to go?

My job here is done. I got
what I came for.

Now I gotta follow my dreams
where-- wherever they take me.

[ Sighs ]

I guess I can't fault a
guy for that.

Ever since I was a kid, I always
had a dream of my own.

Someday I wanna get myself
a little place,

maybe rent out a few rooms.

If it goes well, maybe do a
little writing on the side.

You dream big, Bart.

Well...

You're a good man, stranger. And
one hell of a cowboy.

I better hit the trail.

Uh...

Can I go with you, Loudon?

Sorry, I...

I ride alone.

Oh, Bart.

Who was that cute little guy?

Meow.