All language subtitles for Newhart S02E20

- What are you doing?

- I'm just making
some notes on my new book.

- I thought you said
last night you weren't going

to take that assignment.

- I know, but I called them
this morning and said I would.

- But I thought you
said you weren't interested

in glass blowing.

- That's not true.
I, I like, uh, glass blowing.

Matter of fact, I've already
thought of some chapters,

like blowing
your own ashtrays.

Blowing your own candy bowls,

not to mention all
the animals you can blow.

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi, Kirk.

- Hi, Kirk.

- When Cindy and I were
at Niagara Falls

we picked up some souvenirs
for you

and I forgot
to give them to you.

Here.

- Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

- I know, but Cindy
really wanted to.

Do you like it?

- What, what is it?

- Well, I know
you're a history buff.

It's an authentic recreation
of the winter at Valley Forge.

You can see the hell they're
going through right there.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.
Where's George?

- He should be in his room.
- Oh.

We picked up something
for him too.

- Oh. That's nice.

- Well, I think it's stupid,
but George will like it.

See you.

- Do you believe this?
- No. Those poor brave souls.

- Hello there.

- Oh, Michael, hi.

- I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were eating.

- No, that's all right.
Uh, come on in.

Honey, this is
Michael Harris.

He was the producer on that
TV show I did, "Book Talk."

- Oh, it's nice to meet you.

- This is my wife Joanne.
- Nice meeting you.

Great taste, Dick.

- Listen, the reason I came by,
was something very exciting

happened down at
the television station

this morning and rather
than calling you

I wanted to come by and tell
you about it personally.

I've come up with
a fabulous new idea

for a television show and I want
you to be the host of it.

- Really?

- Well, thanks, but I,
I'm, I'm not interested.

- Honey, you don't
even know what it is.

- Honey, you just got
finished telling me

I never turn down anything.

- Is it me, Dick?

Is there some bad blood
here I don't know about?

- No. Michael it has nothing
to do with you.

I just don't want
to a TV show.

- Listen, I know "Book Talk"
was not a pleasant experience

for you, but that doesn't
diminish the fact

that you were
fantastic in it.

Listen, at least come down
to the station.

Let me give you
the whole presentation.

If you don't like the idea,
I'll cry a little bit,

but I'll understand.

- The least you
can do is listen.

- Honey, I really
don't want to do a TV show.

- You said that.
I respect that.

Now let me change your mind.

- All right.

What, what time would
you want me there?

- Well, Dick, it's going
to be your show so let's

let it be at your
convenience, but, uh,

3:30 would be great
for me.

- Just got the most
incredible pair of...

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Oh, Stephanie,
this is Michael Harris.

Michael,
Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- How do you do?

- Very well, thank you.
How do you do?

- Excellent.

- Michael is the producer
of that show Dick was on,

"Book Talk."

- Oh, you're a producer.

- For three years
and four days.

- Your wife and children
must be very proud of you.

- I'm not married.
- Oh.

- Uh, Stephanie works
for us here at the inn.

- Really?

- Well, if you could
call it working.

I have all my nights,
afternoons, and weekends free.

- Stephanie, I know we've
just met and forgive me

if I'm moving
a little too fast,

but would you let me take you
out for a Manhattan sometime?

- I'd let you take me
to Manhattan sometime.

- That sounds like a yes.
- I think it was.

- Great. Well, then
I'll see you at, uh,

3:30 and I'll see you--

- At Barney's at 6:30?
- Extra great.

- And good
to see you too...

-Joanna.
- Exactly.

Bye now.
- Bye.

He's gorgeous.

My God, where have
you been keeping him?

- Stephanie, take it easy.

- He's everything
I've been looking for.

He's young, he's successful.
Did I say gorgeous?

I can't believe it.

I feel tingly.
My heart is pounding.

It's like my whole life is
suddenly falling into place.

I think that this is the guy
that God meant for me to have.

What did you say his name was?

- Pour in about an inch
of water

or if it's a
particularly festive occasion,

pour in a little wine.

Add chopped onions
and some carrots.

- Uh, right
this way, Dick.

This is where we'll
actually be doing the show.

- Then add a teaspoon
of salt

and a quarter of a teaspoon
of pepper.

- Uh, should,
should we be here?

I mean if--isn't
she on the air?

- My, we have some chatterboxes
in the studio today.

- I, I really think
we ought to go.

- Oh, don't be silly, Dick.
It's just Pearl's kitchen.

It's not important.

- [ laughs ]
Okay.

Apparently the chatterboxes
are not going to be quiet

until they get some attention.

Uh, would you
come up here, please?

- Who, uh, me?

- Yes. Come join Pearl
in her kitchen.

- Oh, uh, uh, thanks.

I'm, I'm just,
I'm just visiting.

- No, I want you
to come up here.

- Go on, Dick, go on.
Plug your show.

- Yes, come on
little chatterbox. Come on.

- Now, what's your name?

- Uh, Dick, Dick Loudon.

- Well, so, Dick, is this
your first time

in a television studio?

- No. I've, I've been
here, uh,

been here before.

- Well, then you should
know it's rude

to talk when someone is
trying to do their work.

- I'm, uh, I'm really sorry.

I, I won't,
I won't say another word.

- Now, as I was saying.

Well, damn it,
I see we're out of time.

Join me again tomorrow
when hopefully

we'll be getting
back on schedule.

Until then, this is
Pearl Retcalf saying, "Ciao."

[ music playing ]

- The next time someone
disturbs Pearl's kitchen

they're going to get a face
full of bacon grease.

- Ignore her, Dick.

She's in a lousy mood because
her husband just died.

So here it is, Dick.
What do you think?

- Oh, um, Michael, it's, you
know, it's very nice, but--

- Come on. Sit down
in your spot right here.

Come on.
Sit down.

- Well, I... I guess it
wouldn't hurt to sit down.

- Dick, the show is
called "Vermont Today"

and what we want to do with this
show is to celebrate Vermont.

You know, there are a lot
of fascinating people

in this state,
college professors,

doctors, authors, and these
are the people we want.

It's going to be
a very uptown show.

- Well, it, it sounds
like the kind of show,

you know, I'd like to watch.

- All right, let's talk money.

- You really don't think
I can be bought.

- This is what
we were talking to start.

- You're kidding? A week?
- Uh, no, a year.

- I was going to say
maybe I can be bought.

[ laughs ]

- Dick, we've talked it over
and everyone here is convinced

that you'd be absolutely
perfect for this.

You're a classy guy and
the bottom line

is we want to do
a classy show.

- Well, I, I can
appreciate that.

- Hal, can we see
the logo, please?

- Wow, is, is that
really the logo?

- That's it, Dick.

Now, I know just showing
you a logo

isn't going to change
your mind.

I mean a host of
"Vermont Today"

is going to have to be
committed to quality,

unafraid of hard work,
and dedicated to presenting

the kind of show that everyone
in Vermont can be proud of.

What do you say?

- What can I say?
I'm, I'm your man.

Honey, wait until
you see the set.

It is so classy.

- What's it look like?

- Well, they have this
logo that says

"Vermont Today"
starring Dick Loudon.

Uh, the letters must be
a foot, foot and a half high.

- That sounds classy.
When's it going to be on?

- Uh, I don't know.

I, I don't think
they've worked that out.

- Well, what time
will you be on?

- Um, I don't,
I don't know.

- Well, how long a show is it?
- I, I--

- Well, how often is it on?
Every day?

- Gee, I hope it's
not on every day.

- Honey, how could you
take this job

if you don't know
anything about it?

- I know a lot about it.
I know it's called

"Vermont Today"
starring Dick Loudon

and I'll be interviewing
people from Vermont.

- Are you going to pick
the guests or are they?

- I, I don't know.

- Well, the next time
you talk to Michael

will you find some
of this stuff out?

- You bet I will.
- When do you see him again?

- Oh, uh, uh, Michael.
Can I see you a minute?

- Hi.

- Hi. I'm surprised you two
are back so soon.

- Well, we decided to go
to a movie,

but Stephanie thought
she should change.

- And I thought it would be
more fun to have one car.

- I take it you're having
a good time.

- Oh, we are.

- You know how hard
it is on first dates

to find a subject
to talk about.

You go from one topic
to another

and everything's
so superficial. Not us.

We sat down and
started talking about sweaters

and we didn't
talk about anything else

for an hour and a half.

Well, if you'll excuse me.
I have to change.

- Hey, don't go
changing too much.

I like you just
the way you are.

[ giggling ]

- Michael, sit down.
I'm, I'm glad you're here.

Joanna and I were
talking about the show and,

uh, there may have been a few
details that I sloughed over.

- Oh, did he
tell you about the logo?

- Yeah. He didn't
slough over that.

- Uh, maybe I should have
asked you this earlier,

but I--see I really don't know
that, that much about the show.

- Well, what's to know.
It's a half hour format.

It's on every
Sunday afternoon at 4:00.

Oh, did I tell you about
some of the people

we've got lined up?

- No, I'd love to hear that.
- It's class on class.

We've got the President of
the University of Vermont.

He seems like
a very bright guy.

We've got the first Vermont
doctor ever to perform

a heart transplant and,
uh, we've got

a woman sculptor lined up
who's done some

extraordinary things with,
uh, fish bones.

I think it's going
to be awesome.

- Sounds awesome.
- And classy.

- Ready.

- Wow, leather on leather.

- And your car
seats are leather.

- Wow, leather on
leather on leather.

- Well, you two
have a good time.

- We will. Let's go.

- See you at
the studio, Dick.

- Right.
- When?

- Um, Michael, when?
- I'll call you.

- Dick, how you doing?
- Fine.

- I know first shows are
a little nerve wracking.

I've directed lots of them.
You'll get through it.

- I'm putting myself
in your hands.

- Gee, is that the only
coat you've got?

- Uh, yeah, why?

- It's going to strobe
like crazy.

- What, what does that mean?

- It means when we photograph
you it's going

to look like you've got
500,000 ants crawling on you.

- Well, don't worry
about it today.

The glare of
that white shirt,

nobody's even going
to notice it.

Well, got to get
back to the booth.

Good show.

- Thanks.

- Surprise.
- Surprise.

- Hi.

- What are you guys
doing here?

- We wanted to be here
for your first show.

- Oh.

- Did they like the jacket
I bought you?

- Yeah.

- Hi, Dick.

- Oh, looks like everybody
came down for the first show.

- Oh, that's right.
Today is your show.

Have you seen Michael?
- No, I haven't.

I'd, I'd like to know
where he is myself.

- Are you nervous?

- Well, I'm excited,
but I'm not nervous.

- How about you, Dick?
Are you nervous?

- No. I'm, I'm sure I'll be fine
once this show gets going.

Ah, there he is.

Uh, uh, Michael, could
I talk to you for a minute?

- Sure, Dick.
- Look who's here.

- Um, uh, Michael.
- Right here, Dick.

- Could, uh, could we
go over the format again?

- Okay.

Well, first you
introduce yourself,

explain a little bit
about the show,

and then give the folks
at home the number

to call so they can call in
and ask questions of the guest.

Oh, speaking of guests.

Probably should have
consulted you on this.

We decided to move

the President of
the University of Vermont

up to next week's show.

- But, but why?

- Well, we felt that
in order to attract

that initial viewing audience
we needed more a hook.

Something
a little more promotable

than some egghead
college president.

- Who'd you get?
- The world's smallest horse.

- You promised this was
going to be a classy show.

- Wait a minute, Dick,
since when does size

have anything
to do with class?

- We think it's going
to be a dynamite segment.

- Look, I, I didn't take this
job to, to interview animals.

- Honey, it might
not be that bad.

- Yeah, you like horses.

- Michael, this, this--

- DIRECTOR:
Thirty seconds, Dick.

- This really is
a dirty trick.

- DIRECTOR: Wow, that
coat really strobes.

- Did you hear that, Honey?
He said it strobes.

- DIRECTOR: 15 seconds, Dick.
- Have a good show.

- Yeah. We're all
pulling for you

- And don't worry about
anything, Dick.

All the people here are
seasoned professionals.

- Folks, would you
please get off the set?

We're on the air.

- Oh, God, silly us.

- And now, Channel 8
is proud to present

"Vermont Today"
starring Dick Luden.

- Uh, good afternoon, everyone
and welcome to "Vermont Today,"

the show that
celebrates Vermont.

I'm your host Dick Loudon.

Since this is our first show
I thought I'd tell you

a little bit about what
we're going to be doing here.

Uh, every week we're going to
have distinguished guests...

People living and
working right here

in Vermont whom we feel
make a very special

and important contribution
to Vermont culture.

As an added feature
of the show we'd like you,

our viewer, to get involved
by calling 555-8000

and asking questions
of our guest.

[ phone rings ]

- May--maybe you, maybe
you can hold

your questions until the,
the guest is on stage.

[ phone rings ]

- Who--whoever that
is out there,

would, would you
please hang up?

[ phone rings ]

- Um, Michael, uh, is there
some way, uh, we can take care--

[ phone rings ]

- We can take care
of the phones?

- Michael, Michael,
Dick is talking to you.

- What? Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, excuse me.

I'll get right
on that phone, Dick.

[ phone rings ]

- Well, we'll, we'll,
we'll try to get the phones,

uh, taken care of as,
as soon as we can.

[ phone rings ]

- Who--whoever that
is out there,

I'm not going to answer the
phone until our guest is here.

So you may as
well just hang up.

Finally. Thank you.

[ phone rings ]

- Hello? Am I on?
Hello?

- Our first guest today
is a man who is not

only admired here on Vermont,
but also representative,

I think, of the kind
of fascinating

and inspiring guest
that we hope will become

the, the trademark
of this program.

Uh, actually, this
introduction was written

for the President of
the University of Vermont,

who I'm assured will be
with us next week,

but it fits equally well--

I, I hope for our
guest today,

Mr. Jocko Braverman, owner
of the world's smallest horse.

- Howdy, Dick.

- Hi. You want to,
want to sit down?

- Oh, thank you.

- Uh, by the way, uh, just
so there's no confusion,

I'm not from Vermont.

- You're, you're not?
- No.

I'm very happy to hale
from the beautiful city

of Hollywood, Florida.

- Oh, Dick, you can hang
that phone back up.

It's all taken care of.

- Michael.
He's not from Vermont.

- Really?
News to me, Dick.

- Well, Mr. Braverman,

since you are here,
let's talk about the horse.

Obviously, that, that's it.

- That's right, Dick.

This is the world's
smallest horse.

- And, uh, what's his name?
- Tiny.

- How do you know he's the
world's smallest horse?

- Well, look at him.

- No, what, what I,
what I meant was,

he's, he's small,
but usually when somebody

says they have
the world's smallest horse

you expect, you know,
some kind of proof.

- Well, I dare anyone
to find one smaller.

[ phone rings ]

- Well, it looks like we
have a call. Excuse me.

- Vermont Today.

- DIRECTOR: Push the button
for the squawk box, Dick.

- Oh, I, I'm sorry.

- Hello, Mr. Luden?

- Yes, this, this
is Dick Loudon.

- I'm calling about
the world's smallest horse.

- Wha--what about it?

- I got a horse
smaller than that.

- You do?

- I'd like to see it.

- You got it pal.
I'll bring it down.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I, I don't think we,
we have time for this today.

- MICHAEL: Wait a minute, Dick.
Go with it.

- What?
- Improvise.

This is great.

If he wants to
bring him down let him.

- Um, our, our producer
tells me that if,

if you want to come down
and challenge Mr. Braverman

you're welcome to
as long as you get here

before the show is over.

- I'm on my way.

- Well, looks, looks
like we have a challenge.

Certainly the kind
of intelligent

audience participation
I was hoping to have

here on Vermont Today.

[ phone rings ]

- Uh, Vermont Today.

You're on the air
with Dick Loudon.

- Who's this?

- Dick Loudon.

- That's not the
world's smallest horse.

- It isn't?
- Nope.

The world's smallest horse
is lying right next to me,

here, on the couch.

- Well, why, why don't
you bring him down?

- Well, I hate
to wake him up,

but okay.

- So, uh, so we don't spend,

uh, all day
answering the phone,

um, any of you out there
who think you have

a horse smaller than Tiny here,

uh, we invite you to bring
him to the station

before the show is over

and, and challenge
Mr. Braverman.

Now, let's go
to a commercial.

We'll, we'll be right back.

[ music playing ]

- All right, Dick.
What a start.

- Michael, could I speak
to you in private?

You promised me--

Hi, hi, Stephanie.

You, you promised me this was
going to be a classy show.

- Well, Dick, what
are you so upset about?

People love animals.
This will make them love you.

- Yeah, but, I, I want
this show to have dignity.

- Believe me, Dick,
as long if you have dignity

the show will have dignity.

- See there--there's no reason
to come down here

claiming you have
the world's smallest horse

when clearly you don't.

- I mean this, this horse isn't,
isn't close to being as,

as, as small as Tiny here.

- Well, it's kind
of hard to tell on TV.

I don't have a very good set.

- DIRECTOR: Dick, behind you.
We have another challenger.

- What, what's going on here?
What, what are you doing?

- Is there a prize for this?

- This isn't a horse.
This is a basset hound.

- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is and I'm sorry,
but, but this doesn't count.

- Well, then I hate your show.

- Don, no,
no more challengers.

- DIRECTOR: It's too late, Dick.

- Aw, come on.

- Who do I show the horse to?

- You, you really think this
is the world's smallest horse?

- No, this is
the world's oldest horse.

- We didn't ask for
the world's oldest horse.

- Well, that woman
doesn't even have a horse.

- At least it's small.
- Not for a basset hound.

- Look, look, we're,
we're almost out of time.

As far as I'm concerned,
uh, Mr. Braverman,

you have the world's
smallest horse

or at least the smallest
horse in Vermont.

Uh, you and Tiny have
a lot to, to celebrate.

For those of you who tuned
in expecting

to see the President of
the University of Vermont,

uh, this, this isn't him.

But, uh, tune
in next week and,

and keep tuning in
as Vermont Today presents

stimulating and
interesting guests

in our continued efforts

to celebrate Vermont.

This is Dick Loudon
saying good afternoon

and I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.

- We're clear.

Could somebody please get
those animals off the stage?

- Oh, no, right
on my new set!