Original subtitles

- Oh, that sounds great, Elliot.

You know, I've seen other writers before

in bookstores autographing their books,

and, uh, I've always kinda envied them.

What bookstore wants me?

Ha... Handy Sam the Hardware Man.

- Dick? - Hold on, Elliot.

- Excuse me, Dick.

There's a man on the front porch who would like a room.

- Fine, George. Have him come inside.

- He can't come inside. He's afraid of hotels.

- What? - He says it's a phobia.

- Well, uh, tell him it's not a hotel.

It's an inn.

Yeah, I'm... I'm sorry, Elliot.

Eh, tell him I'll be there.

This Saturday at 10:00.

I was just talking to Elliot

and he wants me to do an autographing session.

- That's great, honey! At which bookstore?

- The one that... that carries most of my books.

- Oh! Handy Sam the Hardware Man.

- Yeah.

- Dick, now he says he's afraid of me.

- What?

- Hi. I'm, uh... really sorry about this.

- That's okay. - What's the problem?

- Oh, this man needs a place to stay

and apparently he has this, um, fear of hotels.

- Catalimophobia.

I, uh, wouldn't be in this mess,

except that I had a flat tire

and I can't get it fixed till tomorrow, and uh...

the people at the garage won't let me sleep in my car.

- Well, look, this isn't really a hotel,

it's our home. Why don't you think of it as

just a big house?

- Or... just a big car.

- I think I can give that a try.

- Well, do you, uh, want to register?

- Thank you.

- What do you do, mister... Pack?

- I'm a heavy equipment salesman.

There you go. Room 5.

Up the stairs on the right.

- Stairs, huh?

Look, uh... couldn't I just stay in the lobby?

It's just for one night.

- I'm sorry. We can't really allow that.

- Yeah. I don't think you'd be very comfortable on that sofa.

- Ah. You're probably right.

That's velour, isn't it?

- Uh, why don't we put a cot down here in Dick's study?

- Oh, that'd be great.

- Okay. Stephanie? - STEPHANIE: Yes?

- Would you please bring down some fresh linens

so we can make up a bed in the study?

- Could you do it? I'm kind of busy right now.

- What are you doing? - I'm drinking a Tab.

- Stephanie, get the bedding.

- I'll go get the cot.

You're not afraid of cots, are you?

- I guess we'll find out.

- Well, Mr. Pack, why don't you go on in

and make yourself at home.

- I really appreciate this.

- That poor guy.

[ shrieks ]

- Well, you might as well give my organs to science.

My life is over!

- BOTH: Hi, Kirk.

- Doesn't anybody care why I'm upset?

- Do you?

- Why are you upset, Kirk?

- Oh, no reason. Except, apparently Cindy and I

aren't as close as I thought we were.

- What happened? - Last night I found out

she's planning a whole vacation without me.

She's going to Europe with some friend of hers,

"Idiot Debbie."

- When is she leaving? - A year from next spring.

- And you're upset now?

- Yes! How could she plan a vacation without me?

I can't even plan a day without her.

And a year from now I figured we'd be even closer.

But if she's planning this trip,

it means she doesn't think she's gonna feel

the same way about me as I think I'm gonna feel about her.

- Kirk, I... I think you're being ridiculous!

- Well it didn't seem ridiculous last night

with brochures of stupid Italy spread out in front of me!

- Well, I don't understand

what a guest is doing in the study,

but here's the bedding.

- Oh. Would you put it in there?

- Sure, why not? I've come this far.

How are you, Kirk? - Devastated.

- I'm not having a good day either.

- Well, here's the cot.

- I left the stuff on the chair.

- Oh, now that the cot's here, could you make it up?

[ sighs ]

- It's so busy down here! Can I talk up in your bedroom?

- No. - Kirk, it doesn't sound

like there's anything to talk about.

- How can you say that? I'm losing Cindy.

- Kirk, maybe Cindy doesn't know

how strongly you feel about her.

- Well, what am I suppose to do? Tell her?

- What's wrong with that?

- What if she doesn't feel the same way about me?

- Well, you'll never know that if you don't talk.

- Kirk, how strongly do you feel about Cindy?

- I can't imagine life without her.

- Then I think you should tell her how you feel.

- I think I should do more then that.

I think it's time I pop the question.

- You're kidding.

- Dick, a year from April, I don't want Cindy

winging gaily to sunny Rome with a girlfriend.

I want her frozen in Vermont with me.

- Oh, that's sweet. - You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get a reservation at Barney's Friday night,

buy her a special gift

and give up the swinging single's life forever.

- Oh, Kirk!

- Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have people waiting in the caf�

and I think I'm gonna throw up.

- More coffee? - Oh. Thank you.

- Is the gentleman...

finished with his dinner?

- I don't know.

Why don't you leave it there a few more minutes?

- Okay.

- Hey. - Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

- Well, you seem so nervous.

- I'm not nervous.

- Your elbow is in your plate.

- Oh. Darn.

- Are you sure there's nothing wrong?

- No! Why do you keep asking?

- Because you've left the table three times,

and you haven't touched your food...

except with your elbow.

- Look, Cindy,

I know I haven't been much company tonight,

but there's been something on my mind.

- Oh. What is it?

- Well, there's a reason I brought you here.

[sighs]

I wanted this night to be special because...

Because-- Excuse me!

- Kirk!

- The, uh, gentleman left again?

- Yes. Why don't you just take his plate.

- Fine.

- Cindy! - Oh, Stephanie!

What on Earth are you doing here?

- Just having dinner. - Alone?

- Oh, no. With Kirk.

- Oh! - He's in the bathroom.

- This is my date, Marshall Coleman.

Pre-Med.

This is my friend Cindy Parker.

She's a clown.

- Please to meet you.

- Would you like to join us for coffee?

- Great! Do you mind?

- No! Waiter.

- I love table-hopping.

I used to do it all the time back home.

Until I moved here,

I don't think I ever finished a meal

with the same people I started with.

- Two more espressos? - Fine.

- Two more espressos. - Fine.

- I love your dress. - Thank you.

- Is that a natural fabric?

- I guess so.

Oh, there you are.

- Stephanie. - Surprise!

- What are you doing here?

- They were on their way out

when we spotted each other

and I asked them to join us for coffee.

- Oh, great! - This is Marshall Coleman.

- Pre-Med. - Oh. Nice to meet you.

Stephanie, could I speak to you for a moment?

- Sure!

I love this!

- Beat it. - What?

- Go on, get outta here. Shoo!

- What is the matter with you?

- I want some privacy. I'm about to ask Cindy

a very important and personal question.

- What is it?

- I'm not going to tell you before I ask her.

- You mean you're going to ask--

[squealing]

- Just talking about the inn.

- Oh, Kirk! I'm so happy for you!

- More inn stuff.

[ laughs ]

- Kirk, I had no idea. We'll leave.

I wouldn't dream of spoiling your wonderful moment.

Oh, Kirk, this is just great!

- Oh, we love the inn.

- Everything okay? - Wonderful.

Come on, Marshall. Let's go.

- We're leaving? - Yeah. Come on.

I'll explain it in the Porsche.

I'm so happy for you!

- Why?

- Oh, just because you're a clown and everything.

- Oh, great seeing you. Bye-bye.

Okay.

[ sighs ]

- Kirk, what is going on? - What do you mean?

- You've been a nervous wreck all evening.

Then Stephanie just left here all choked up about something.

- Okay, I... I can explain.

- Excuse me...

weren't there some people here who ordered espressos?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, they had to leave.

- Kirk, would you like an espresso?

- No. Do you have milk of magnesia?

- No. - Well, nothing. Thank you.

Look...

Cindy, tonight hasn't worked out

exactly as I thought it would, but...

here.

- What's this?

- Open it.

- Oh, Kirk! They're beautiful.

- They're earrings.

- I know!

Thank you.

But, I... I don't get it. What are these for?

- I want to ask you a question.

And the question is--

feel like a movie?

- Well, Mr. Loudon, how's everything going?

- Just fine. - I saw you signing a book.

- Yeah. That was about, uh... about 20 minutes ago.

- How many have you signed? - Just that one.

- Gee, I'm surprised.

I thought there'd be a lot more people.

Especially since it's so cheap.

Maybe I could get one for my father.

- I'll be glad to sign it for you.

- Let me think about it.

- Where's the rat poison?

- Aisle 2, near the front.

[ knocking ]

[ bell rings ]

- Hi, Dick. - Hi, George.

- I brought you some more books.

Thought you might be getting low.

- Uh, thanks, George.

- Boy, this is exciting.

- Yeah.

- I love your name on that sign.

Kind of makes you a celebrity.

Mind if I watch?

- Well, there's not much to see, George,

but you're welcome to stay.

- Thanks.

[ cash register rings ]

- So, this is gonna help you sell more books, huh?

- That's what they say.

- No one's stopping.

- Well, you know, George, a lot of people

don't feel comfortable coming up to, uh...

to use your term, a "celebrity,"

and, you know, it really isn't the barbecue season.

They did stick me all the way over here in the corner.

You know, there are a lot of reasons why...

I'll never do this again.

- Well, as long as it's quiet,

I think I'll look around the store

and see if there's anything we need for the inn.

Wow! Oh, it's Dick Loudon,

author of "Let's Build a Barbecue."

- George, don't do that.

I never thought I'd meet you.

Boy, here's a book I sure can use.

- [ whispering ] George, don't do this!

- In fact I'll take two.

You can't have too many barbecues.

What a great gift idea!

- Hey, I'll take one of those.

- You will? - Yeah.

- Fine. What's... what's your name?

- Ralph.

- There you go. - What's this?

- That's my autograph.

- Do I get a discount, now that it's all marked up?

- Why don't you...

Why don't you take a new one and pay the cashier.

- Oh. Okay. Thanks.

- It's working!

- George, don't ever do that again.

- Hey, there's Kirk.

- Oh, great. - [ bell rings ]

- Why aren't you at the inn? - Why? Is something wrong?

- Yes! I'm miserable and I need to talk to you.

- What's the matter? - I couldn't ask Cindy.

- Why not? - I don't know.

Every time I went to say the words,

I couldn't get them out of my mouth.

- What are we talking about?

- Dick, I think I'm afraid of her answer.

- Well, I mean, that's natural.

Every one is afraid of being turned down,

but you just have to think positive

and hope that she says yes.

- I'm afraid of that too. - You're afraid she'll say yes?

- I'm afraid of whatever she says

because no matter what it is, it's gonna change my life,

and that terrifies me.

- Then I don't know what to tell you.

- Me either. - Dick...

I'm faced with the most important decision of my life.

What I need is for you to make that decision for me.

- Are you crazy? I can't do that.

I mean, if I tell you not to ask her,

you may be passing up the, the...

the best chance for happiness you've ever had.

And if I tell you to ask her and she says no

and then you'll be miserable.

Even if she says yes, you may be miserable.

I mean, I... I can't win!

- I can live with that.

- We'll, I can't. I won't do it.

- Okay, okay. Let's stop being silly.

Let's just write down "ask" and "don't ask"

on slips of paper

and draw them out of a hat.

- You can't decide your future from a hat!

- Fine! Then, I'll let George decide

and you're gonna have to live with that.

- Okay. What am I deciding?

- Nothing. Look, Kirk, this is your decision to make

and don't try to hang it on George and me.

- Dick, if you don't tell me what to do,

then I'm not gonna do anything.

And that's the same thing as telling me

not to ask Cindy. So there, it's hung on you.

- You're insane, do you know that?

- Yes! That's why I'm here!

- Look, I'm gonna bend a rule of mine.

I'm gonna make the most important decision

of your life for you.

In my opinion, Cindy is the best thing

that ever happened to you.

You've become a better person since you've known her.

I think you should ask her.

- You really do? - Yes.

- I hope for your sake you're right.

[ sighs ]

- Are you finished, sir?

- Huh? Yes.

- You didn't touch your salad.

- I guess I'm not hungry.

- Well, Kirk, if we're not gonna eat anything,

why do we keep coming here?

- Because this is our place.

Because there's something I have to ask you.

- Maybe I can make this easy for you.

I'm really not up for a movie tonight.

- Look...

[ sighs deeply ]

- Before I ask you,

I want you to have this.

- Another gift?

- Please, just open it.

- Oh, Kirk, what a beautiful pin!

- The man in the jewelry store

said it was the clown from "Pagliacci."

- Thank you. But...

Kirk, why are you doing this?

- Cindy...

we've been going out for several months now

and I care deeply about you.

You're always in my thoughts,

you're always in my heart.

You're the dearest thing in my life.

Am I making any sense? - Yes.

- Good, because my ears are ringing

and I can't hear a thing I'm saying.

Cindy...

when two people feel the way we do,

I think they should be together

for more than seven nights a week.

What I'm trying to say is...

I love you. - I love you, too, Kirk.

- You do? - Yes!

- Well, what I wanted to ask you was: Cindy Parker,

will you live with me?

- Will I live with you?

- Yeah. - No.

- No? - Yeah.

- I can't believe you said no.

This is all Dick's fault.

- I'm sorry, Kirk--

- Sea bass for the lady.

And steak for the gent--

- I don't want it. Take it back.

- What? - I'm not hungry.

- Well, all right.

- Well, I guess this is it then. It's over.

- What are you talking about?

- Us. You just said you don't care about me.

- Kirk, I... I just told you I loved you.

- Then why won't you live with me?

- Because I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

- But I can't go on like this. - Well, it's hard for me too.

- Then what do we do? Get married?

- Okay. - Huh?

- Well, I... I mean,

that's something I'd be willing to do

if it'd be something you'd be willing to do.

- Wow! Married!

[laughs]

Cindy and Kirk.

Parker and Devane.

And you wouldn't have to go on your trip.

Or if you did, I could go with you.

As a relative.

Waiter, I'll take my dinner now.

- You just said you didn't want your dinner.

- Well, now I do.

- Well, okay.

- God! Marriage!

You and me, down the aisle,

arm in arm, ball and chain...

What are we talking here?

Every day, a lifetime,

forever and ever and ever.

Take it back. I'm not hungry.

- You just said you were.

- I think he's changed his mind.

We're sorry. - Oh, I see!

- Look, Kirk, we don't have to get married.

What I mean is, if you're having second thoughts--

- I'm not having second thoughts.

I just needed a second to think about it.

- Well, I don't want you to have to think about it.

I mean, either you want to get married or you don't.

- Well, I do.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

I had a brief second of terror, but...

now I'm really sure.

- So am I.

- This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Waiter, I'll take my steak now.

- Kirk, I'm so happy.

- Cindy... - Hmm?

from now on, we'll always remember this as our night.

- This will be our table. - [ piano plays ]

- That will be our piano player.

- Whatever he plays next will be our song.

- And now, for our friends south of the border.

["Mexican Hat Dance" playing]

[knocking]

- Kirk, it's dark, the door's locked.

Everyone's asleep.

- No problem.

- [ banging ] Dick, Joanna, wake up!

George, wake up! Emergency!

- What on Earth? - Dick, Joanna!

- Is that Kirk?

- George! Dick, Joanna!

- Everybody, go back to bed. It's nothing.

- George!

- Joanna, it's just us.

- Hi there! - What are you doing?

- What's the emergency?

- Oh, I'm sorry. We shouldn't have wakened you.

- What is this? Everybody have school tomorrow?

- Well, excuse us. We went to bed early.

- Oh, exhausted from signing five books?

- I signed seven books.

Things picked up after you left.

- Kirk, what are you doing here?

- We have big news!

You wanna tell them or should I?

- Oh, it was your idea to wake them up.

Why don't you tell them?

- She's marrying me!

- Oh! - She's marrying me!

[ everyone exclaiming ]

- Looks like we made the right decision.

- Congratulations. We're very happy for the both of you.

- I have so many brides' magazines.

Anytime you want, you can come up to my room

and look at them. - Oh, thanks.

- Well, we've got to open some champagne for this.

- I'll get some. - Come on, everybody!

Let's not stand here. Come on, sit down.

- Well, tell us everything.

How he asked you, what exactly he said...

- Well, we were at Barney's, and...

Well, you know, come to think of it,

you never really did ask me.

- I guess you're right. We were talking about things

and it just sort of evolved.

- Kirk, don't you think you should ask her?

- Here's the champagne! - In a minute, George.

Kirk's just about to make it official.

- Cindy...

will you marry me?

- Yes, Kirk. I will.