Original subtitles

[ music ]

[ whistles ]

- What are you looking at, George?

- This new lawnmower they came out with.

I sure can't wait till spring.

- BOTH: Hello. Hello, there. - Hi.

- We were just out for a drive and couldn't resist stopping

to see if you had a room. - Well, good.

- How much are your rooms?

- Doubles are $35. - $35.

- We're not usually this impulsive.

But once in a while,

we just like to do things for the fun of it.

- Why not? It's Room Three.

Enjoy your stay. - BOTH: Thank you.

- Stephanie? Would you show this couple to Room Three?

- I haven't cleaned Room Three yet.

- But we haven't had a guest in Room Three in two days.

- Well, why don't you just tell the whole world?

- Why don't I just put you in another room?

- Well, thank you. - Follow me.

- Oh, George, are you doing anything right now?

- Just waiting for spring.

- I thought maybe you could help me build a birdhouse.

- Sure. Why?

- Oh, there've been a couple birds chirping

outside my study window for the last couple of days.

And I thought we could give 'em a home.

- Aw, that's nice.

- Well, it's nicer than killing 'em

which is what I was gonna do if they didn't stop chirping.

- I am not mad at you.

I'm just saying it's important to try to keep

all the rooms clean all the time.

- Okay, okay. - What's the matter?

- Joanna's mad at me. - I am not mad at you.

- Well, you're irritated. - I am not!

- Well, whatever you are, you've hurt my feelings

and made me feel terrible.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, as long as you're sorry.

- Good morning, everybody.

- You sure seem in a good mood.

- I'm in a fantastic mood.

And if you're not too busy, I'd love to tell you why.

And if you are, I'll come back another time.

- Why don't you come back another time?

- You are busy? - No,

but as long as you're giving us a choice...

- Dick!

What is it, Kirk?

- I'm in love.

- Oh. - Okay, okay.

I realize I've made that statement before.

But this time is different.

- Well, tell us about her. Where did you meet her?

What's she like? What was she wearing?

- I met her last night at Barney's Restaurant.

Her name is Cindy and she's incredible.

We stayed till the place closed.

We talked about everything--

politics, books,

music, philosophy.

Do you know she's from Kansas City

and lived there right up until the time she moved here?

- Absolutely incredible.

- That's what I thought.

- I must admit I've never seen you this excited.

- I don't think I ever have been.

I wonder if I really am in love.

Joanna, you were in love with Dick once.

How did you know?

- Kirk, I'm still in love with Dick.

But if you're asking how I first knew,

well, it was a lot of things.

Not being able to think about anything but him.

Not wanting to do anything unless I could do it with him.

When you're first in love,

life just has an intensity it's never had before.

- How did you feel, honey?

- Good.

- Just good?

- So good, I can't find words to describe it.

- That's exactly how I feel.

- When are you planning to see her again?

- Tonight. I'm taking her to dinner.

Do you think I can bring her by here

to meet all of you before we go?

- Sure. We'd love to meet her.

- Great! You know what else?

Cindy's the first girl I met I couldn't lie to.

I went through the entire evening

without telling her I was Warren Beatty's brother.

It sounds incredible,

but the stupid truth seems to be working.

- I think that's the first time Kirk's come over here

and not made fun of anybody.

- Well, there's nothing like that wild rush of emotion

when you're first in love. - Yeah.

- Well, we had a wonderful time.

Thank you.

- This is gonna be beautiful.

- Yeah, adding a second story was a great idea.

- What color do you think we should paint it?

- Well, we can always paint it white like the Stratford.

- Uh-huh. Or there's always blue.

- That's true. I like blue.

You know, George,

I think we should extend the roof here. What do you think?

- I kind of had my heart set on blue.

- Well, we can decide on the color when we finish.

The important thing now is to concentrate on getting it done.

- Right. Yeah, I remember

my dad built me a birdhouse when I was a kid.

Everybody in town said

it was the best birdhouse they ever saw.

- I bet it was.

- It was blue.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Kirk.

- What are you doing? - Building a birdhouse.

- Oh, what a great idea.

- Did you want something, Kirk? - Yeah.

Three hours till my date with Cindy,

and I'm getting nervous.

- About what?

- Look, I'm going out tonight

with the classiest girl I've ever met in my life.

I don't want to blow it.

- You won't. Just be yourself.

On second thought, don't be yourself.

Be who you were last night.

- I don't remember who I was last night.

- You told us this morning you were honest with Cindy.

- I was, but you know what a liar I am.

Maybe my being honest was a lie.

I mean, I know I was a great guy last night.

But I also know there are a lot of things about me

people don't like.

What if those things start leaking out during the date?

- Well, what do you want us to do?

- I want you to help me make sure

I don't do any of that stuff tonight.

Tell me everything about me that repulses people.

- Kirk, your date is in three hours.

There isn't time.

- Dick, I've been decent to you for half a day.

Give me a break here.

- Look, if I really thought it would help, I would do it.

But you can't change your whole personality in three hours.

- Sure I can. I've done it in two seconds.

Come on, help me!

- All right. The main thing is, you're obnoxious.

- Obnoxious.

Good.

- You're insensitive, you make fun of people.

You criticize people, you make people feel stupid.

- Hold it, speedboat, I'm trying to write this down.

- You're selfish, you're vain.

- You don't put any meat in your hamburgers.

- Keep going. This is great.

- Basically, I would say that you're a person

who has no character,

no morals, no principles.

- Thank you, Dick.

You're the best friend a guy ever had.

Oh, by the way, I'm wearing my gray slacks

with a blue blazer tonight.

What do you think?

- Fine. - Yeah.

Blue is my favorite color.

[ knock on door ]

- Who is it? - Kirk!

- Oh, come on in. It's open.

- Hello?

- I'm in the bedroom. I'll be out in a second.

Uh, there's some wine on the table.

- Oh, incredible how our minds work alike.

I brought you some wine too. - Ohh.

You're half an hour early.

- Actually, it's an hour. I've been sitting in my car.

- Well, I just got home this second.

I haven't even had time to change.

Are you okay out there?

- Yeah, perfect.

- What are you doing? - Just breathing your air.

How long does it take you to change?

- I'm still on my shoes, if you can believe it.

A lace got stuck.

- Would you mind stopping by my best friends' place

on the way to the restaurant?

I want them to meet you.

- Oh, I'd love to.

- Oh, I love the unicycle. Can you ride it?

- Sure.

- I love discovering new things about you.

Cindy, I can't wait anymore.

I miss you. Come out here.

- Oh, but I'm still in my work clothes.

- I don't care.

- Oh, but, Kirk, I wanted to look pretty.

- You'd look pretty in anything. Come on.

Why didn't you tell me you were a clown?

- I don't know. I guess it just never came up.

Why? Does it matter? - No, it doesn't matter.

I guess it's just something I wasn't prepared for,

that's all. - Oh.

- I guess there are a lot of things

I wouldn't be prepared for.

And I guess you'd have to put clown

at the top of the list.

- Well, now you know. [ clown horn honks ]

Oh, look what you did.

Thank you. They're beautiful.

- Have you always been a clown?

- Uh, no, not always.

I was a kid and a teenager for a while.

Although in high school,

I must admit I was voted class clown.

- [ chuckles ] I see.

I take it these are all your, uh, props.

- Mostly, yeah. These are my noses.

- Oh, noses. - Mm-hmm.

I make them myself out of little rubber balls

and then I paint them. - Oh, clever.

- Here, guys. Smell these.

[ laughs ]

Let me go take my makeup off and then, um, put my makeup on.

And then we can go meet your friends.

- Well, take all the time you need.

- I just can't believe

that, after the longest day of my life,

we're finally together like this.

- Me either.

- Okay, you and your wife are confirmed for Saturday.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

- How does this look?

- You look fine. That's the second time you've changed.

- Well, I'm meeting Kirk's girlfriend.

I wanna look nice.

- What are you gonna wear?

- This. - Oh!

It's you.

Dick, what a great sport coat.

- Well, we're meeting Kirk's girlfriend.

I wanna look nice.

- Maybe I'd better go up and change.

- Guys?

- Too late. - Too bad.

- We just stopped by because we wanted everybody to meet.

Cindy, this is Dick, Joanna and Stephanie.

- Hi. - This is Cindy.

Well, see you later.

- Wait a minute. Where you going?

- Well, I know you people are busy.

So we'll be on our way.

- Don't be silly! We haven't even seen her yet.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Come on in. Sit down. - Oh, thank you.

- I guess we can stay for a few minutes.

- I thought I heard voices out here.

- George, this is Cindy. - Oh, hello.

- Pleased to meet you. - Oh, thank you.

- Well, can I get anyone something to drink?

- Uh, not for me, thanks.

- Oh, we really don't have time.

We're running late as it is.

- Where are you going tonight?

- Kirk's taking me to the River Club.

- Oh, nice.

- I'm really looking forward to it.

I don't get that many chances to dress up.

- [ laughs awkwardly ] Right.

- What do you do?

- What kind of question is that?

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

Um, I'm a clown.

- A clown? Really? You mean like in a circus?

- Well, no, not exactly.

I work at children's hospitals

and birthday parties, stuff like that.

I really love it.

- Oh, that's great.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, let's shove off.

- Kirk, what are you in such a rush about?

We got all dressed up-- well, Dick and I did--

to meet Cindy, and now you're running away

before we've had a chance to talk.

This is fascinating.

Why on earth would anyone want to be a clown?

- Well, you know what they say.

Everybody loves the clown. [ laughs ]

- Can you do somersaults and juggle

and stuff like that? - Oh, yeah, uh-huh.

- Would you do something for us?

- Oh, yeah. [ all talking at once ]

- Hey, guys, it's her job.

I mean, we're not asking Dick to write a book

or Stephanie to clean a room.

- No. I think Kirk's probably right.

I mean, if there's anything I hate, it's a pushy clown.

Anyway, you know, I mean,

Kirk's got it in his head that I shouldn't perform,

so, you know, maybe I shouldn't. - Well...

- Unless he's got something else in his head.

I don't know. Let's see.

Oh, I think maybe he does.

Ohh! He does have something.

Will you help me with this, please?

- Sure.

- He has a lot more in his head than what I thought.

Why didn't you tell me? Ohh!

- How many are in there?

- I don't know. Oh! That's it.

Oh, no, no, no. Please don't applaud me.

I just pull them out.

Imagine what Kirk went through getting them in there.

- Oh, Kirk, yeah.

Well, that was fun, but it really is late

and we have to go.

[ all talking at once ]

- We didn't get a chance-- - What time is it?

- Ohh. Where's my watch?

- You check your ear?

- Oh, well, why don't you use mine?

- That's my watch!

[ surprised gasps ] - Oh, that's fabulous.

- You got me started.

- You sure you have to go? - Oh, yes.

- Oh, Cindy, it was so nice meeting you.

- Oh, thank you. It was great meeting all of you.

Yeah, I just knew someone as special as Kirk

would have really special friends.

- Oh. - Enjoy the River Club.

It's very romantic. It's a great place to be alone.

- That's just what I'm looking for.

- We'll see you. - Goodbye.

[ laughter ]

Bye-bye.

- Are you just about finished with the birdhouse, Dick?

Joanna is waiting to see it.

- Just about.

- Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, when I die,

I think I'd like to come back as a bird and live here.

- [ chuckles ]

Well, that's good, George, 'cause a place this size

is gonna need a handyman.

- Dick, I've gotta talk to you.

- About what, Kirk?

- [ clearing throat noisily ] Notice anything?

- You're still here?

- I'll be outside.

- Well, I see you're your old self again.

- I'm sorry. I have a problem.

- What is it? - Cindy.

- What about Cindy? We thought she was wonderful.

- She is wonderful.

She's the most wonderful person I've ever known.

Up until last night, I thought she was my dream girl.

Then in walked Bozo.

- You're upset because she's a clown?

- Wouldn't you be?

You were here the other night. You saw what happened.

I mean, even at the restaurant,

somebody asked her to do a trick.

So she pulled an olive out of my nose.

It was humiliating.

- Kirk, I really think you're making too much of this.

- How would you like it if Joanna did that to you?

- Well, in the first place, I don't think it'd bother me.

And in the second place,

my nose isn't big enough to pull an olive out of.

- Ha, ha-ha!

I'm dating Miss Baggy Pants.

And I'm living next door to Mr. Funny Pants.

Look, I need some help here.

- What do you want me to do, Kirk?

- Be a friend. Solve my problem.

- Well, I can't solve your problem

because your problem is, you're a jerk.

I mean, you have a chance with maybe the only woman

in the world who'll put up with you.

And you're gonna blow it

because you can't deal with what she does.

- You think I don't know that?

I keep thinking how great my life with Cindy would be.

Then I think about people reading

the wedding announcement.

Kirk Devane and Cindy Parker wed today.

Groom is a prominent local businessman,

bride is a clown.

I don't think I could live with that, Dick.

- Well, I don't know what hope there is for you.

- I don't know either.

- Look, you're either gonna

have to decide it doesn't matter that much.

Or you're gonna lose her.

- I think this is the biggest decision

I ever had to make in my life.

- I think so, too.

- And for advice, I came to the man

who's built the most ludicrous birdhouse

on the face of the earth.

- Ready to show the birdhouse to Joanna?

- Yep. - Okay, Joanna,

we're bringing it out! - Okay!

- I can't wait to see her face.

- Me either.

- All right, close your eyes! - Okay!

- You gotta be kidding.

George...

I have an idea.

[ birds twittering ]

Here, birds!

Come on, birdies!

[ knock on door ]

- Kirk? - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

Here. - Oh, thank you.

You know, if you keep doing this every time we see each other,

I'm gonna have to buy myself a wine rack.

- Right.

- Oh, I should have asked you before.

Do you like lamb chops?

- Sure. - Good.

I'm gonna put the stuffed tomatoes in the oven.

Why don't you just sit down?

- What do you want me to do with this coat?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Right there in the closet's fine.

- So, how was your day?

- Oh, it was great.

I met the dearest little boy at the hospital.

He was so sweet and shy,

afraid of me, really.

But then I did a couple of somersaults, you know,

and honked my horn a couple of times

until he laughed out loud.

Mm. It made me feel so good.

Yeah, I had a great day.

How was yours? - What?

Oh, not as great.

Listen, Cindy, something came up today you should know about.

- What? - Um...

I have to leave town for a while.

- Oh, no. Why?

- It's business. I have to go to this convention.

- Well, I thought you said you ran a cafe.

- I do. It's a cafe convention.

It's about grills.

I don't wanna get too technical.

It's in Vegas. It's a big deal. They have it every year.

I'll get in a lot of trouble if I don't go.

Anyway...

you might not be hearing from me for a while,

so I'm just telling you in case...

you meet anybody and wanna get married,

I'll understand.

- Are you trying to tell me

that you don't wanna see me anymore?

- Of course not.

If that's what I was trying to tell you,

I'd be honest and say it.

- Come on, Kirk. I don't believe any of this.

What's going on? - Nothing.

- The truth?

- Oh, Cindy.

- What? What's the matter?

- Why did you have to be a clown?

- What's wrong with my being a clown?

- Nothing. It's just that I can't deal with it.

- Oh.

[ exhales sharply ]

Well, that's funny. You know,

I just never thought that anyone would have a problem with it.

- No one would but me.

I'm the only one in the world.

- I just don't see how you can let this make a difference.

- Do you think I wanna be like this?

I like you. I more than like you.

I think you're the best person I've ever known.

You just embarrass me to death.

- I can't not be a clown, Kirk.

- I know.

- It's what I've wanted

for as long as I can remember.

- But when you were a little girl,

didn't you ever want to be something normal

like a ballerina?

- Oh, my father took me to the circus,

not the ballet.

Come on. What if I asked you to give up your cafe?

- Say when. - Oh, now, come on.

That's not fair.

No one has the right to ask another person

to give up something they love.

- Do they have the right to suggest alternatives?

- Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

- It's okay. It actually makes me feel better.

- Kirk, listen.

I wanna make something really very clear.

I like you.

I like you so much.

I also like being a clown.

I've studied and I've worked so hard to become one,

and it makes me happy.

I wish it made you happy too.

- I'm sorry.

- No sorrier than I am.

- I guess I better go.

I'm sorry about dinner too.

- Yeah, okay.

- Well...

so long.

- Goodbye, Kirk.

[ door slams ] - I can't leave.

I like you too much.

- But what about being with a clown?

- Better than being without one.

- Boy, you know, you had me scared there for a minute.

- I can't believe I've fallen in love with Clarabelle.

This calls for a celebration. Do you have any champagne?

- Yeah, but, Kirk, this is like a major moment in our lives.

I think we need something even more than champagne, you know?

- Like what? - Festive, special,

I don't know. Oh, um, what about this?

- What?

- Could I have a glass of milk with that?