All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E13

There, isn't that pretty?
A perfect stack of firewood.

Well, here they are,
all washed and folded.

Joanna, which room
are you giving to
the Ebersols?

Gee, I don't know.
The Van Buren Room
is the nicest,

but the fireplace
doesn't work.

Yeah, but it has
a pretty stack of firewood.

I just want everything
to be perfect for them.

I can't wait
until they get here.

You know, meeting them
just made our trip to London.

I mean, they are absolutely
the most fun couple
in the whole world.

What do they do?
Well, Janet's
an interior designer,

and Sam owns
an appliance store.

Say, they sound like fun.

I was thinking of asking her
for some professional advice.

I've been
toying with the idea
of fixing up my room.

Sometimes it's
just a question
of the right linoleum.

Guess what I found.

It's a rooster.

It is? Hmm.
Yeah.

I thought it was a chicken.
I'm glad you told me.

Yeah, you could have waited
a long time for eggs.

Where did you find him, Kirk?

Well, the poor thing
must have fallen off
the back of a truck.

I saw him there
in the middle of the road,

flailing around,
cars whizzing by.

It was frightening.
How'd you save him?

Well, I ran out of the cafe,
dodging a few speeding cars,

scooped him up
and ran to safety.

Kirk, that was wonderful.
You actually risked
your life for him.

Well, I guess
at a time like that,

you don't
think about yourself.

You see a poor,
helpless creature,
and something inside says,

"Hey, I have to help."

Got an ax?

You're gonna kill it?

Well, I can't
eat it like this.

Kirk, you're not
gonna kill that rooster.

It's just a stupid bird.

It's a living thing.
I don't believe in
killing living things.

Not even a cockroach?
A filthy, slimy,
disgusting cockroach?

(SIGHS) Okay,
maybe a cockroach.

Well, do you know
what a cockroach looks like
magnified 1,000 times?

It does not.
Give him to me.

No way.
He's my bird.

Kirk, give me
the rooster.

(CLUCKING)

I'm gonna nurse him
back to health.

I'll build him a coop.

They took my rooster.

It's gone, all right.

Hi, hon,
where have you been?

Out buying film.

How many rolls did you buy?
Forty-four.

You're kidding!

Well, honey,
you know the Ebersols.

I mean, when they're around,
the fun comes faster
than you can click.

Dick, they're only
staying a week.

A jam-packed week.
Oh.

I made a list of things
the four of us
can do together.

Forty-four rolls
may not be enough.

I'll get more.

I mean, this is terrific.

People that we're crazy about
are spending their vacation
at our inn.

Now, I finished all my work,
so we're on vacation, too.

I mean, we're really having
a great life, Joanna.

Dick, I know you're excited,
but, remember,
this is their vacation.

I mean, who knows?
They might wanna rest,
take it easy.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying
let's let them
set the tone.

Fine.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SAM: Knock, knock.

Who's there?

SAM: Sam and Janet!

Sam and Janet who?

ALL: Sam and Janet Evening!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Joanna! Hi!
Good to see you.

It is great
seeing you guys.
Oh.

Oh, it's great to see you.
You look terrific.

Well, so do you.
Did you have any trouble
finding the place?

No, we just looked for
the most beautiful inn
in Vermont,

and then, when we found it,
we asked them
how to find you.

We've never known anybody
who owned a hotel before.

It's kind of like
knowing a Hilton.

Hilton?
He has hotels, too?

So, are you tired
after your big trip?

Well, you know us.
It's go, go, go.

Well, where to first?

We thought our room, Dick.

And if it's not nice,
we're gonna complain
to the manager.

Well, here.
There's your key, and
you can get settled.

Oh, look, it's Dick
the desk clerk.

Are you also
the bellhop?

(RINGING)

Now, Sam,
I don't want you thinking
this is some fleabag hotel

where one person
does all the work.

Joanna's the bellhop.

Joanna.

Listen, you guys,
it's top of the stairs,
first room to the right.

Oh, great.

Joanna the bellhop.

We are so excited
to be here.

Oh, it's gonna be
a trip to remember.

Yeah, we've been
looking forward
to seeing you guys

ever since Paris.

We were with you
in London.

Yeah, but we
didn't start missing you
until Paris.

They look wonderful,
don't they?
Oh, they're great.

And I know,
any second,

Sam is gonna come
bounding down
the stairs saying,

"Hey, guys,
let's get this
show on the road."

Hey, guys,
can we get some
towels up here?

I mean, that's what
I love about Sam.

You never know
what he's gonna say.

You're right.

So, when is this fun couple
supposed to get here?

They'll be here soon.

Seems like we've been
sitting here an hour.

It hasn't been an hour,
George. It's been
53 minutes.

Seemed like an hour.

Are you sure you told them
to plan on dinner?

Oh, I didn't have to.
I mean, they knew
we were expecting them.

See, that was the great thing
about being with them
in England,

we seemed instinctively
to know each other's moves.

We couldn't go anywhere
but they were
right there with us.

Honey, we were
on the same tour.

All right, but I mean,
we still hit it off great.

And I think
one of the reasons was

this instant, fantastic
communication that we had.

It was like we had ESP.

So, where do you think
they are right now?

I have no idea.

(SIGHS)

Dick, it is getting late.
Maybe we should start.

Well,
if the whole point of dinner
is to eat, then go ahead.

Well, I'm sure
Sam and Janet
will understand.

Yeah, they sound like
great people.

Oh, they are.

We shared with them

maybe one of
the most hilarious moments
of our lives together.

Remember, Joanna?

Oh. The pub, right?

We're in this English pub.
The Horn and the Beagle.

Right.
DICK: Horn and the Beagle.

And we're drinking
pints of this really strong
English ale, you know.

JOANNA: (LAUGHING) Yeah.

All of a sudden,
Sam stands up,

and, in front of
all these Englishmen,

he starts singing
Yankee Doodle.

In this English pub.
JOANNA: Yeah.

In England.

See, that's why we enjoy them
so much, you know.

I mean, they were
screaming at that.

I know people like that,
just good-time,
fun-loving folks.

Exactly.

Can I have
their fruit cup?

Knock, knock.

There they are.
Perfect timing.

Sam and Janet Ebersol,
this is Leslie Vanderkellen.

How do you do?
Hi.

Kirk Devane.
Howdy.

DICK: George Utley.
Good to meet you.

Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Come on. Sit down.

George,
put back the fruit cup.

You weren't
expecting us for dinner?

You ate already?

Oh, we ate in town.
Oh, we're sorry.

We didn't expect you
to go to any trouble.

As a matter of fact,
we were in this little shop,

and we ran into
another couple and...

Well, you know
how we are on vacations.

And we started talking,
and one thing led to another,

and I guess we just didn't
pay attention to the time.

Well, you know,
it's no big deal.

Yeah,
it was only dinner.

Oh. But we're really sorry.
We should have called.

Hey, it's the first
night you're here.

We've got six
more days of fun.

Right.
JANET: That's right.

And what have you got
on the agenda for tomorrow?

Eight hours of
the greatest scenery you have
ever seen in your life.

Oh. You mean we're
gonna check out
the girls at Dartmouth?

Well, then it's all set.
We'll meet you first thing in
the morning for sightseeing.

And I bet
it's gonna be great.

Yeah,
they don't call it Vermont
for nothing.

Well, we're keeping
you guys from eating,

so we'll see you
in the morning

and say goodnight.
Night.

Oh, by the way,
we've never stayed
in an inn before.

If we need anything

in the middle of the night,
what do we do?
Bang on your door?

Sure,
I can sleep through anything.

Would I be presumptuous
to ask again
for the fruit cup?

Well, sandwiches packed,
thermos full, ready to go.

You know, seeing the sights
with Sam and Janet
is gonna be hysterical.

Yeah.
You know, I better take along

a couple more rolls of film,
just for the first hour.

Yoo-hoo.

Morning.

(RINGING)

Joanna, we're going
to go through that door,

and whoever is
on the other side

gets to spend the whole day
having fun with us.

Well, what do you know?
It's Sam and Janet.

Well, if you're ready,
let's get started

on the Loudon
grand tour of Vermont.

Which includes
the famous
Loudon picnic lunch.

Well, listen,
if you guys don't mind,

I think we're
gonna take a rain check
on the grand tour.

A rain check?

Yeah, it completely
slipped my mind

last night when we
were talking about it,

but I have this
aunt in Boston

and I promised her
we'd drive up
and see her today.

You promised
you'd see her today?

Yeah, well,
it wouldn't matter so much,
but she's old and frail.

And I think,
more important to us,
she's rich.

You understand,
don't you?

Well, yeah.
Yeah, we understand.
Don't we, Dick?

Yeah, you know, I guess.
If you promised.

Well, listen,
maybe we could call
and try and change it.

Could you?
Honey.

Yeah, forget
I even said that.

Family comes first.
You go to Boston.

Hey, it's only one day.
We still have
five full days left.

Five fun-filled days.

That's right.
We'll see you tonight.

Okay, and we'll have dinner
when you get back tonight.

Oh, uh, I wouldn't plan
on us for dinner.

We may have to
stay longer than that.

Yeah, remember,
she's rich.

Well, then,
we'll see you
sometime tonight.

Great.

Maybe a coffee.

Whatever.

All right, then,
we'll see you sometime tonight
for coffee or whatever.

Right, see you then.

We're looking forward to it.

JANET: Bye-bye.

Yeah,
have a great day in Boston.

Well, those two
haven't changed a bit.

They're having as
much fun as ever.

Yeah, they just
aren't having it with us.

Hi, Dick.
Where's Leslie?

Hi, Kirk. She's out back.
Is that a chicken?

Close, it's a pullet.

What's a pullet?
A young chicken.

That was close.

What are you doing with it?

She's on her way
to meet Mr. Right.

I'm gonna mate her
with the rooster.

Together they should be able
to produce enough chickens

to turn the Minuteman Cafe
into Kirk's Capon City.

Heck of an idea.
Thanks.

You know,
I've got this great gimmick.

You know how in
some seafood places

they have these
large tanks of water

where they allow you to,
you know, pick out
your own live lobsters?

Well, I'm gonna do
the same thing
with chickens.

You're going to put chickens
in a tank of water?

Yes, Dick,
I'm gonna drown the chickens

and then try
to get people
to eat them.

Come on, let's get
into reality, shall we?

Obviously,
they're gonna be in a coop.

Look, what I'm trying
to say is,

the way I figure it,
cashing in is just
a matter of time, patience

and letting these ugly birds
breed their little beaks off.

Good luck.
Thanks.

Hi.
Hi.

Have you seen
Sam and Janet yet
this morning?

No, and I don't want to.

What time did
they finally get in
last night?

I have no idea.
I wasn't gonna stay up

until all hours
of the morning,
waiting for them.

How late did you stay up?

2:00, 2:30.

Dick, do you think
they're trying to avoid us?

Why would they be
trying to do that?

Maybe they think
we're dull.

I don't think I'm dull.

Do you think I'm dull?

I'm sorry, honey,
what were you saying?

I said,
"Do you think I'm dull?"

I don't think
either one of us are dull.

But even if we were,
they wouldn't have noticed.

They haven't spent
eight minutes with us.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well,
I'll tell you one thing,

I am not gonna suggest
going anywhere.

Because every time I do,
they have other plans.

If they wanna go
somewhere today,

they're gonna
have to suggest it.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Mmm. That coffee
smells great.

(CLEARS THROAT)

DICK: It's left over
from last night.

Oh. Sorry about that.
You know, we didn't
get in until after 3:00.

Hope nobody waited up.

Sugar?

Yeah, two please.

Honey,
would you pass the sugar?

I wouldn't ask
for the cream.

Everything all right, Dick?

Everything's fine.

Well, so what have you
got planned for today?

What have you guys
got planned for today?

Well,
we don't have any plans.
We thought you'd have some.

We thought
we'd wait and see
what you'd planned.

What is this, a standoff?
Listen, we thought you had
this big, long list

of things you wanted to do.
Let's do them.

Well, it's hard to know
where to begin.

You know,
we haven't even had dinner
with you guys yet.

Well, great,
then dinner it is.
You name the place.

Barney's?

Barney's it is.
What time?

7:00.
7:00.

All right, 7:00, Barney's.
See you tonight.

See you later.

Am I crazy,
or did we just lose
another day with them?

SAM: Oh, this
is a nice place,
isn't it?

Yeah, Joanna and I
come here a lot.

I guess you could
call it our spot.

Good evening, Mr. Ebersol.
How are you tonight?

Eddie, nice to see you.
Good to see you.

Ah. You remembered.
JANET: Oh!

How do you know
all these people?

Well, we ate here
our first night here.

Mr. and Mrs. Ebersol, hi.
And who are your guests?

Oh. This is Dick
and Joanna Loudon.

They live around here.

Oh, really?
Well, hi, new faces.

Hasn't she
waited on us before?

Everyone in here has
waited on us before.

Well, isn't this fun? Now,
this is what we've been
looking forward to.

So have we.

Well, come on now, guys.
We've been here for two days,

and you still haven't told us
how you happened
to move to Vermont.

That's right.
We want the whole story
right from the start.

Well, I...

Good evening,
Mr. Ebersol.

Hi.
Mike, how are you?

Uh.

SAM: Go ahead.

I'm something of
a history buff,
you know, and so...

Say, excuse me,
just one second. Is that
Milt Hanson over there?

Honey, I can't tell
from this angle.

Well, it's not important.
Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry.

And I've always
had this dream
about owning an inn.

Doggone it.
That is Milt Hanson.

Honey,
I think you're right.

So, one day I said
to Joanna, you know,

"What the heck,
you only live once."

Listen,
can you hold that thought
for just one second?

We're gonna be right back.

Hey, Milt, buddy,
is that you?

MILT: Sam, how are you?

We wound up here...
And they're off again.

Boy, they make friends fast.

Well, why not? They're warm,
they're friendly,
they're funny.

Come on over here. I want you
to meet these friends.
Come on. This is...

Dick and Joanna, I want you
to meet two lovely people,
Milt and Dottie Hanson.

We met them
the first night we were here.

How are you?

You don't mind
if they join us
for dinner, do you?

Well, of course they don't.
The more the merrier.

Mike, will you push
two tables together
over here, please?

This couple is such fun.
They're from Anaheim.

Oh, really?
You know, Anaheim.

Hey, Dick, how about
shooting the four of us?

Oh.

I'd love to,
but all I have is my camera.

I don't understand it.

What's the problem?

The rooster and the pullet,
they don't seem to be
attracted to each other.

How do you know that?

Because Kirk's been out there
watching them.

You've been watching them?
Every day.

They just stare at each other
from opposite ends
of the coop.

Well, if you're watching them
during the day,

did it ever occur to you
that maybe they're
getting together at night?

That's when I watch.

Let me make sure
I have this right.

The two of you
are watching them
24 hours a day,

and they've never
gone near each other?

Right.
Right.

And right now
is the first time in two days
they've been alone?

Right.
Right.

Well, I don't know about you,
but if I were that rooster,

this is the moment
I'd be waiting for.

Dick, I was just walking by
Sam and Janet's room

and their suitcases
are out in the hall.
I think they're leaving.

I know.
I saw them there, too.

Do you believe this?

We set aside an entire week,
we don't see them
for three days,

the one time we're together,
they spend the whole time

talking to another couple
and now they're
leaving four days early.

Well, let's face it.
They used us.

I mean,
they're treating us
like innkeepers.

You're right.

Well, if they're gonna
treat us like innkeepers,

I'm gonna act
like an innkeeper.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna charge them.

I'm leaving.

Leslie, it's not
gonna be an ugly scene.

You don't know that.

He's right.
You better go.

Gone.

I mean, you're with me
on this, right?

Honey, you know
I feel just as strongly
about being used as you do.

What do you think
I should charge them?

$10,000.

I like your style.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Checking out,
are you?

Well, what makes you
say that?

You're carrying your luggage,
you're heading
toward the door.

In the hotel business,
we call that checking out.

We're not checking out.

We're just gonna
drive up to Maine

for a couple days
with the Hansons.

Yeah, we're gonna be back
the day after tomorrow

and finish out the week,
just like we said.

And in the meantime,
since you two have
been so terrific,

we want you to have this.

And we want you
to have this.

What is it?

It's a bill for
your stay here.

Look, it's beautiful.
It's made out just
like a real bill.

Looks so official.

It is.
It's an official bill.

What?
Sam?

Well,
if you're gonna treat us
like innkeepers,

we're gonna treat you
like guests.

Well, what are you
talking about?

How did we treat you
like innkeepers?

By ignoring us,
by going off without us,

using this place
as a pit stop.

They want us to pay.
You want us to pay,
we'll pay.

We don't
want you to pay.

Well, then
what do you want?

We just want you
to say you're sorry.

We'll pay the bill.

There is no bill.

What we're
trying to tell you
is that we're hurt.

Well,
this is just awful.

Honey. Honey, don't cry.
You're gonna spoil the trip.

I can't help it.
We were having
such a good time and...

(WHINING)

Now, now, stop it.
It's just a misunderstanding.

Listen, they're
angry and upset

because we didn't take
their friendship
seriously enough.

Yes, and frankly,
I think we deserve
an explanation.

Well, the explanation
is very simple.
We're not your friends.

That's too simple.

Well, I mean,
we're not your friends
the way you define friends.

I mean, you know,
people you care about,

and you're concerned
about their feelings,

and you wanna spend
every minute you can
with them, and...

Well, we're just
not like that.
We're fun junkies.

We're fun junkies, too.

No, no, you're not.
You're friend junkies.

You see, you want long,
personal relationships,

and very close ties, and...

Well, we're just
not like that. That's not us.
We're shallow.

Now, if you want us
to say we're sorry

because of
a misunderstanding,
then we will.

But if you want us
to say we're sorry
because of who we are,

well, we can't do that.

Now, if you can
accept that, that's fine.

And if you can't,
that's fine, too.

But no matter what you feel,
you have to admit one thing.

We are fun people.

Listen,
we gotta be going now.

You think about what we said,
and on the way back
from Maine,

we're gonna call you.
And if you wanna
get together,

we will and
we'll have a ball.

And if you don't want to,
we'll have a ball.

See you, friends.

Just kidding.
Oh!

Bye-bye.

I really have no idea
if we'll ever see them again.

I know.
But you know the nice thing
about people like that?

You don't care.

Need we say more?