All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S10E11.HDTV.x264-SVA

Hey, you guys.

I packed up some dishes
for the new house.

I even found your old sippy cup
for when the little one comes along.

- Aww.
- Thanks, Mr. D.

Thanks, Dad.

Is, uh, Mom still in there
making that judgy face?

Haley, you've known her for 25 years.

Just call it her face.

Haley's pregnancy is
off to a rough start.

Nausea, moodiness, trouble sleeping...

Claire's got it all.

Me, I'm just trying to keep
the peace here in Hormone Town.

Oh, can you believe it, Claire?

Our little girl is growing up.

Yeah, it seems like just yesterday

we were carrying all
these boxes downstairs

after she got arrested
and kicked out of college.

Ah.

Yeah, I've been through a lot, too.

I've been a limo driver, a lead singer,

a ranch hand, a Dapper
Dan at Disneyland,

a t-shirt designer, a sign spinner

and now a nursing student
with a baby on the way.

It's all going according to plan.

- Oh.
- So, we're gonna take some stuff over.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Let's get a, uh...

Let's get a mother/daughter picture.

Oh... Oh, honey, I don't...

We... we really don't have to.

No, no, no. It'll be cute.

Uh, Dad, you're being
weird. No one wants this.

Hang on here.

Nope, that's my finger.

So many fun filters.

Just take the picture!

Claire, look at the positive.

One of our kids is finally moving out.

After her pregnancy test,
I've had enough positives.

Kind of reminds me of two
other unmarried, pregnant,

lovestruck kids who
moved in together about...

25 years ago.

It's not the same.

I don't know. Acid-wash their jeans
and put a dream catcher in Dylan's ear,

and it's exactly the same.

Honey, I had a dream last night
that they left the baby in an Uber,

and I had to shrink myself down to
commandeer a hummingbird to find it.

I'm just glad it wasn't
another Jake Tapper sex dream.

I'm mad. I'm scared they're
in over their heads...

Claire, it's happening.
They're having the baby.

The train's left the
station. Get on board.

Fine.

You're right.

You're right. I'll...
I'll try to be positive.

Good. I was gonna go pick up
a house-warming gift for them.

- Why don't you come with me?
- Oh, okay, let's do that.

Wait a second. How do you board a
train that's already left the station?

I don't know. Maybe you
could catch up to them

on a hummingbird with Jake Tapper.

Well, you're off the hook.

I'm flying to Branson solo,

and I guess I'll be
sitting next to a stranger

at The Osmond Brothers:
A Tribute to Hip Hop.

Well, I'll catch them
when they come to Compton,

but thank you.

Well, it's the least I could do
after what you did for my sister, Pam.

My sister, Pam, is coming
to pick up Cal to...

to take him back to Missouri.

She was supposed to be in
prison another three months,

but my wonderful husband,

Assistant D.A. Pritchett, wrote a letter

advocating for her early release.

It was nothing.

It actually was nothing.

I never wrote any letter.

It just... It didn't feel right.

Pam showed no remorse,
and her sentence was fair.

And... And then for some reason,

they decided to let
her out early anyway.

Fortunately, uh, parole
records are sealed,

so Pam and Cam will never know,

and I don't have to go to Branson

and hear the Osmonds ask if
they can get a "what-what."

That's her!

Cal, that's your mom!

She's back from her, um... trip?

Up the river.

Pam! There she is!

- Hey, y'all!
- Oh, it's so good to see you!

- Hi!
- Hi.

Momma!

There's my little chicken nugget!

Ooh, my goodness!

I missed you so much. How have you been?

They read to me every night.

Aw, don't worry, baby.

That's all over now.

Oh, almost forgot!

Look what Momma made you.

I'm gonna put it on my bike!

Oh, he's gonna put it on his bike!

Oh, Pam, it is so great that you're out.

It must've been so lonely in there.

Well, there was some companionship.

Good.

- I dabbled in lesbianism.
- Oh.

Didn't hate it.

But there was just too
much talking afterwards.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get you some iced tea.
- Yeah.

Again, I'm... I'm so sorry
that you can't stay upstairs.

- We have this new renter coming in, and...
- Cram it.

I know you didn't send that letter.

What? H-How?

That don't matter.

All that matters is you're gonna pay.

Oh... In prison, they called me BOTOX,

because even though
all the ladies want me,

I will wreck your face.

Sherry, I-I don't know if I like these.

They're so short.

No, that's the style, boo.

I just don't know if I
have the ankles for this.

Yeah, those pants are
no good for Latin people.

They make you look like you're
trying to run across a river.

Well, I think you look great.

You should only wear pants
like that from now on.

Okay.

Manny, we should start
sending invitations

for your birthday party.

Oh, but I thought we were gonna go to

the Ojai Mime and Wine
Festival for your birthday?

Oh, yeah, maybe we
shouldn't do the party, Mom.

This is crazy.

Manny's terrified of mimes.

And he hates Central Valley wine.

Hey, great news.

My Sausage of the Month
arrived a day early.

You get to be here for the un-boxing.

I'm not gonna film it this time.

Kielbasa, yes!

They took my suggestion again.

I told you it's not a suggestion.

The web page is just
asking you to choose one.

Anyways, we have a problem.

Sherry is bossing Manny around.

Oof, that's a lot to take in.

Can you cook these up with
that special sauce you do?

You have to go and tell him

- that he needs to stand up for himself.
- Why me?

I-I don't think we should get
involved at all, but, I mean,

if it's a problem for
you, then you do it,

'cause I don't care.

I can't.

If I say something bad
about Manny's girlfriend,

he's not gonna listen,
because I am the mother

who thinks that nobody's good
enough for her little boy.

- Just let it go.
- I can't because she's not good enough

for my little boy.

I'm gonna take a pass.

Then I'm gonna take a
pass making your sausages

with my grandmother's spicy onion sauce.

Fine, I'll do it.

But all these demands don't
sound very second wife-y.

Hey, kid.

I need to talk to you about
you and your girlfriend.

It's a sensitive subject.

If this is about the sounds
coming from my room last night,

it wasn't what you think.

We were rearranging
the furniture, and then

we were congratulating each
other on how it turned out.

Sadly, I believe you.

I thought you liked your
furniture exactly like it was?

We fired two cleaning women over this.

I thought I did, too,
but it turns out I didn't.

Actually, that's what I don't
want to talk to you about.

Is it possible Sherry pushes you around?

What are you saying?

I don't know.

Be the man, you know.

Show some backbone.

- That is such a you thing to say.
- It really isn't.

It's such an old way of
looking at relationships.

Gender roles don't matter anymore.

Is that why you're wearing her pants?

Let me tell you something, Jay.

Just like long pants,

toxic machismo has gone out of style.

Yeah.

Yeah, masculinity's bad

till someone has to kill a spider.

Ta-da!

Welcome to 14 7/8 Fletcher Ave.

Wow. This is cozy, huh?

Well, it's a converted garage,
so I know it's a little bit small.

Oh, honey, it's only
small for a place to live.

Hey, we got you guys
a housewarming gift.

It's a decorative pineapple

because, uh, pineapples
are a symbol of good luck.

Thanks, Mr. D.

That's way better than our giant cherry.

That's just a symbol of a clean toilet.

Thanks, Dad.

You've very welcome. It's actually
from both of us, right, honey?

Right. Right, because I thought
you would want a lot of luck.

Mom, look. I know what you're thinking
but we're saving a ton of money.

Utilities are included,

we don't need a lot of furniture,

and it'll be easy to
keep track of the baby!

And they can, uh... they
can walk to the airport.

Which brings us back to the living room.

Wow. We got the whole
tour without even moving.

Tiny-homes are very trendy these days.

And, by the way, it's what I called

my short, black best
friend in high school.

So, where... where are you thinking of

- putting the baby's crib?
- Well, we were thinking about

putting it right there
under the skylight.

That way, the baby can look
up and reach for the stars.

Ohh, I love that.

And look how clean that glass is.

A little too clean.

It's... It's not a skylight.

There's a hole in your roof.

Cool, I always wanted to learn
how to install a skylight.

I guess today's the day.

Have you also always wanted
to move an electrical outlet

that's currently in the shower?

- Well, that can't be code.
- It's not.

I'm telling you exactly what's going on.

Oh, excuse me.

Haley, honey.

You can't raise a baby in here.

What happens if... if the baby's crying

- and you need to sleep?
- Thought of it.

We're gonna put up a sheet
to make it like a little room.

Oh, smart.

Tell me how this works.

Wahh, wahh, wahh. Could you hear me?

I know it's not perfect,
but we've got this.

We're a lot more grown
up than you think.

Haley, can I talk to you
for a second in the kitchen?

Yeah.

Uh, that was the doctor.

We're supposed to be there right now.

Oh, my God. The ultrasound...
I totally spaced!

We can't let my mom find out.

Um, let's just make up something
responsible and get out of here.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, we need to go and get toothbrushes.

You should've put up a sheet.

We heard everything.

You missed your first
ultrasound appointment?

Well, we will if you keep lecturing me.

- Who's the doctor?
- We found her on Yelp.

- She has, like, four stars.
- Mm-hmm.

So does the sushi place
that gave Luke worms.

I'm coming with you.

I think I'm just gonna hang back
and commence Operation Skylight.

I parked in back. Let's go this way.

- Oh!
- Oh, God!

That is lucky! We just bought a broom.

Hey, there's my favorite sister-in-law.

I, uh... I got you a Popsicle,

and the stick has a joke on it.

Um, "How do you fix a broken gorilla?"

Mm, well, I guess we're
gonna find out soon.

Sticks are good for more than joking.

In prison, I learned how to fashion
all manner of sticks into knives.

You know, I love that you
had time for crafts in there.

I also learned if you don't
do what you say you're gonna,

you get hurt.

Um, I'm gonna go, uh, check on Cal.

No, no, no, I'll do
it. I want to soak up

as much time with him as I can

before you take him home.

Cal.

Cal, what is... Put that down!

Where did he get a cheeseburger?

I don't know.

Hey, look. I'm... I-I'm
sorry about the letter,

but it all worked out.

You still got out early.

Only because I volunteered
to help train police dogs.

It was horrible.

I'm stealing a TV!

I'm stealing a TV!

Get off of me!

I feel it!

What do you want from me?

- Miles.
- Uh, what?

I know all you fancy
people have rewards cards.

Being all cooped up has
given me the travel bug.

But I've been saving those.

I bought groceries at a
gas station for six months

to get triple points.

For... For Lily's birthday breakfast,
we gave her something called Pop Zarts.

I want them in my account by the
end of the day or I tell Cameron.

But I almost have enough for
two off-peak flights to Paris.

Ha, "monkey wrench."

Yeah, that's putting it mildly.

No, that's how you fix a
broken gorilla, you dummy.

Oh.

Oh, there you are. How did it go?

Not well.

He got all mad, called
me old-fashioned.

Me... the guy who bought Alex a
book on successful business ladies.

Sorry, I didn't understand that.

Please try again.

Why does that coffee
grinder keep talking to me?

Well, you kept your end of the bargain,

so I'm gonna make the sausages,

and we'll talk about
the second step later.

There's no second steps. I did it.

That's the last I want to hear about it.

Thanks a lot, Jay.

I should've ignored you,
but you got in my head.

About what? This is
first time I hear of this.

I started thinking maybe
she does boss me around

a little bit, so I confronted
her, things got heated,

and now she called a
car and she's leaving.

The best relationship I've ever
had, and I think it might be ending.

Last time I listen to you, Jay.

Don't worry, papi.
Those things have a way

- of working themselves out.
- Eh, what're ya gonna do?

Yeah, that's a good question.
What are you going to do?

I'm calling it.

I'm done.

Calling Brian Dunn.

No. No, no.

I owe him money.

Jay, you need to talk to Sherry
and tell her that it was your idea.

I've kept up my part of the bargain.

Now, don't go all Colombian

and tell me if I don't talk to Sherry
you're not making those sausages,

'cause I already took a second statin.

Sorry, for once, you're
not getting your way.

Hey, Sher, got a sec?

Uh, tough to say. Bartev
is two minutes away,

but his car is spinning, so...

I know you're upset with Manny.

That's on me.

I put some ideas in his head.

You know, I'm kind of a hero to him.

I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

You know, I'm crazy about the kid,

and I just want to make sure
he's in a healthy relationship.

Gloria put you up to this, didn't she?

It's complicated.

You do see the irony of this, right?

She's so worried about
Manny getting bossed around,

yet she has no problem
bossing you around?

- No, no, that's crazy.
- Really?

Is this how you wanted
to spend your afternoon?

No, I hate this.

Man, I had a whole day planned.

Listen, I'm gonna let Manny
spiral for a few hours,

and then we're gonna go back upstairs
and move the furniture around.

Oh, God, it was that.

But you need to stand up for yourself.

You go back in there,
and you tell Gloria

that you're tired of
being told what to do.

- Let me think about it.
- Don't think.

- Just do it.
- Okay.

Oh! Oh.

Relax. It's nothing
I haven't seen before.

I was on the boys' wrestling team.

What do you want? I
transferred the miles.

I got 'em. Decided I don't
want to travel, though...

Converted them all into gift cards.

No, no, no, they say you're
not supposed to do that.

I decided I want something else.

I want to move in upstairs,

and I want a HEPA air
filter on account of I shed.

I told you it's rented. I
can't just cancel on them.

You sure about that?

Because when I don't get what I want,
I can make things real uncomfortable.

Oh, cold, cold!

What's going on?

Nothing.

Mitchell and I's just talking.

No, no, we weren't. I can't...

I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry.

- I never wrote the letter to the parole board.
- What?

I... I tried to lie, but
I just... I couldn't do it.

Yet you had no problem lying to me.

You just let my sister rot
in that horrific hell hole?

Oh, please, they have a Taco Tuesday!

- Uh, Cam, c-can we talk?
- Oh, hold up.

I'm just looking through
some pictures of me

helping out your family.

Here I am taking Jay and
Gloria to the airport,

and, oh, this is me, uh, helping
Alex move into her dorm room,

and who can forget when I
helped Phil with that magic trick

and let him make me disappear.

You're not in that picture.

That's how good I am at helping out.

Now let's take a look at some
pictures of you helping out my family.

Oh!

Cam, I tried to write the letter.

I... I really did,
but she broke the law,

and she got a fair sentence.

She did not deserve to get out early.

I-I couldn't bring
myself to lie about it.

Oh, give me a break.

I have heard you say the words,

"Nice perm, Manny."

You can get there.

I am an officer of the law.

- I took an oath.
- What about our oath?

To love, honor, and...

and lie for each other's family.

Oh, that's not part of it.

But it's implied.

Stop. Stop.

Mitchell's right.

I spent the day terrorizing him.

I'm a horrible person.

I should still be in jail.

Look what I took.

Is that my beard trimmer?

Works on other hairs.

I'm sorry.

I am a thief and a
liar and a manipulator.

I can't be trusted to rejoin society.

Hey, don't say that. You're...

You're gonna be fine.

What about little Cal?

He's doing so good here.

I'm just gonna ruin him.

I need supervision,
to be locked back up.

You guys know where I
can get a pickup truck

and a big ol' chain?

I'm gonna steal me a Redbox.

Pam, hey, you...

You don't have to go
back to prison, okay?

You can stay upstairs.

Do you mean it?

What about your renters?

We'll cancel, um,

and... and we'll help take care of Cal

until you can get back
on your feet, okay?

Family first.

Hey.

One for the book.

I'm gonna go get settled upstairs.

If it's okay, I'll come back
down for Cal after my tub.

Thank you both.

I won't forget this.

That was so sweet.

I'm glad Cal gets to stick around.

And now with Pam here,

she can feed the cat
while we go to Branson.

Dr. Singh, that is
some exquisite gel work,

and I say that as
a soon-to-be nurse

and someone who wears a
lot of product in his hair.

Thank you.

Haley, have you been taking
your prenatal vitamins?

I'll make sure she does from now on.

Calm down, Mom.

I can remember to take a pill every day.

Can you?

There's the heartbeat.

Oh, it... it sounds so
fast, is everything okay?

No, that's good. That's the
way a baby's heart should sound.

He's right.

It's the sound of a very healthy... oh!

What?

There's a second heartbeat.

A baby with two hearts?

I didn't know I was pregnant
when I ate that brownie!

- I didn't...
- No, H-Haley, breathe.

You're having twins.

That's impossible. It's a mistake.

It's not. I'm pretty good at this.

She's right. You can
see them right here.

I can't have twins.

That's twice as many
babies as we were expecting.

Yeah, they'll outnumber us.

How are they gonna fit in our place?

How are they gonna fit in my body?

One is always going to be awake.

I'll never sleep again.
And those double-strollers

are so wide, I can say goodbye
to ever shopping in a boutique.

- Haley, everything's gonna be okay.
- You don't know that.

- I do!
- I'm in way over my head, Mom, I...

But you're not alone.

Yeah, I'll be here.

Yeah, he'll be here, but
I meant me. I'll be here.

Yeah, but you kind of
haven't been lately.

I know, I know, and I'm
very sorry about that,

but as you're about to find out,
being a mom is very complicated.

Luckily, there are these
instincts that kick in,

especially when your kid's in trouble.

So if you're ever overwhelmed,

I am right over your shoulder
on the wings of a hummingbird.

Now I know where she got the brownie.

And I'll be right behind you
on that hummingbird, Mrs. D.

It's kind of a hummingbird for one.

Okay, Manny and his girlfriend are good.

Let's boil and broil.

Thank you, Jay. Two sausages coming up.

Two? What, am I in a boy band?

Make 'em all.

So, what did Sherry say exactly?

Not much. I, you know...
I did most of the talking.

Well, hopefully now she'll
stop being so controlling.

Yeah.

Funny, though.

What is?

Well, it's just that, you know,

you were worried about
Manny being pushed around,

and if you think about it,

you've been sort of
pushing me around all day.

What's the funny part?

No, it's just...

Where's this coming from?

Nothing, it's just
something I thought of.

No, you don't think of stuff.

- This is Sherry.
- No, it isn't.

But if it were, she'd have a point.

Oh, really? So you think
I'm very controlling?

Well, you're welcome
to choose the doctors,

pick the handymen,
make plans with friends,

cancel plans with friends.

Okay, okay, I get it.

No, no, no, no.

You do need to take more control.

Actually, from now on,

you should decide how
to cook your own sausage.

Fine, you don't think I can do it?

Coffee grinder, how do I
make Gloria's special sauce?

Now you're quiet?

Hey, Jay.

- You ready to go?
- Go where?

Gloria said you'd help me put in
a skylight at Haley's new place.

Oh, yeah, I empowered her to say that.

How's the move going?

So good. Really good.

Good, good, good, good.

- That's good.
- No, it's not.

It's a disaster. The place is too small.

Everything needs fixing. I'm
trying to stay calm, but...

There's a hole in the ceiling, Jay...

A hole in the ceiling.

Rain is gonna fall on the crib.

What... What happens if a... an owl

picks up a-a pinecone and drops it?

- My grandchild's gonna get hit with a pinecone!
- Don't be silly.

What would an owl be
doing with a pinecone?

At the most, it would be
a mouse or a baby gopher.

Dylan seems like he's
getting his life together,

but he's still a wild card at best.

I know exactly how you feel.

I guess you do. I was
your wild card, huh?

I didn't have a lot of faith.

Didn't you have feathers
hanging off your ear?

- It was a dream catcher.
- It was my nightmare.

I think I see what you're saying.

If I can become awesome, so can Dylan.

That's not what I'm saying.

Who the hell knows what's gonna happen?

Let me tell you something about life.

We all have this illusion
that we're in control.

I wanted to play pro football,
some guy takes my knee out.

I graduate from school,

I'm gonna drive my
motorcycle across the country,

and some suit pulls my draft number.

I worked my ass off to
send my daughter to college,

some juggler knocks her up.

Again, sir, I'm very sorry about that.

I put in the years, I build my business
so I don't have to answer to anyone,

and I still have to jump through
hoops to get a damn sausage.

You lost me there at that last part.

Look, all I'm saying is
things are always gonna change,

and you have to deal with it.

But the good news is,
five years from now

while you're playing with your grandkid,

you won't even remember today.

I hadn't thought about it like that.

Thanks, Jay.

Huh. Haley and Dylan are gonna
have to move back in with us.

That's okay. I can handle that.

She's having twins.

Let's get you a sausage.

Thank you.

It was a box of clothes
Pam asked her mom

to ship to her three days ago.

You faked that breakdown
so you could stay here.

Well done, Counselor.

See, this is why I couldn't
write that letter for you.

You have no remorse for
your lying, stealing ways,

but I... I am on to you,

and I am going to make you pay.

No, you ain't.

You tiny.

Hey, hey, are those our lamps?

Pam?

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