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1
00:00:00,056 --> 00:00:01,129
One, two, three!
2
00:00:02,494 --> 00:00:04,961
Hey, guys! We're here!
3
00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:06,296
Welcome!
4
00:00:06,398 --> 00:00:07,897
Pool's cool, snacks in the kitchen,
5
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,867
I've had some ros�,
so fun Mitchell is in the house.
6
00:00:10,936 --> 00:00:12,636
Showing quite a bit of leg.
7
00:00:12,738 --> 00:00:14,471
- This is very...
- World-cuppy?
8
00:00:15,774 --> 00:00:17,040
There they are!
9
00:00:17,109 --> 00:00:19,509
My adult children still sponging off me
10
00:00:19,578 --> 00:00:21,745
- after nearly five decades.
- Love it.
11
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,814
Sorry, thought I'd bend that
into a joke, but it stayed real.
12
00:00:25,694 --> 00:00:27,360
- Hi, kids!
- Hey, Grandpa.
13
00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:28,628
Come on, Lily. Come on.
14
00:00:28,697 --> 00:00:31,498
Hey, Phil.
15
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,933
What's up his can?
16
00:00:34,002 --> 00:00:35,201
I don't know.
17
00:00:35,270 --> 00:00:37,337
Not easy being a white man these days.
18
00:00:37,439 --> 00:00:38,571
You feel me.
19
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,308
So, I got Dad and Gloria's
anniversary present.
20
00:00:41,410 --> 00:00:43,042
You guys both owe me 40 bucks.
21
00:00:43,112 --> 00:00:44,178
Wait. It's their anniversary?
22
00:00:44,247 --> 00:00:45,779
I-I thought it was Gloria's birthday.
23
00:00:45,848 --> 00:00:47,147
It can't be Gloria's birthday.
24
00:00:47,216 --> 00:00:48,949
She gets mad even if you mention it.
25
00:00:49,051 --> 00:00:50,184
I once asked when it was,
26
00:00:50,286 --> 00:00:52,086
and she left a dismembered
Bratz doll in my purse.
27
00:00:54,323 --> 00:00:55,556
Then why are we here?
28
00:00:55,658 --> 00:00:57,858
You know what? I'm gonna
go check what the cake says.
29
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,393
I'll have a glass of "cake," too.
30
00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:00,761
Okay.
31
00:01:00,863 --> 00:01:02,730
Quick, before she comes back,
I need some relationship advice,
32
00:01:02,832 --> 00:01:05,132
and this is kind of
in a gray area ethically.
33
00:01:05,249 --> 00:01:06,348
And it's okay to ask us
34
00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,116
because, as gays, we wouldn't
dare judge anyone
35
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:10,185
while living such a deviant lifestyle?
36
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:13,021
Even the most beautiful version
of our love is a mortal stain
37
00:01:13,123 --> 00:01:15,357
compared to the worst thing
you could do?
38
00:01:15,459 --> 00:01:16,558
Maybe I should talk to somebody else.
39
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,226
- No, tell us!
- No! Spill, girl, spill!
40
00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:19,795
Okay, so just between us,
41
00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:21,797
you know I'm with Arvin and
he's working in Switzerland.
42
00:01:21,899 --> 00:01:23,198
Well, I did something bad.
43
00:01:24,201 --> 00:01:25,201
I kissed Dylan.
44
00:01:25,202 --> 00:01:27,536
Whoa! Whoa, Dylan's still around?
45
00:01:27,638 --> 00:01:29,471
I-I thought he joined
a cult or something.
46
00:01:29,573 --> 00:01:31,807
I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke
and exploded.
47
00:01:31,909 --> 00:01:33,709
I don't know why I did it.
It meant nothing,
48
00:01:33,811 --> 00:01:35,811
but I feel horrible,
and Arvin keeps calling,
49
00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,245
but I'm not picking up because, like...
50
00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,680
Do I have to tell him?
51
00:01:38,782 --> 00:01:42,150
Honey, these things
happen in every relationship.
52
00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:44,853
You absolutely do not need
to tell your partner everything.
53
00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:47,055
Okay, well, that's a fun thing
to hear your husband say.
54
00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:48,724
Please, do not turn this
into something.
55
00:01:48,826 --> 00:01:50,859
Well, I was going to say,
yes, you need to tell Arvin
56
00:01:50,961 --> 00:01:52,661
because you want your
relationship based on truth,
57
00:01:52,763 --> 00:01:54,129
which, apparently, mine is not.
58
00:01:54,231 --> 00:01:56,098
This sucks!
I don't know what to do.
59
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,933
I was counting on you two
to be on the same page.
60
00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,268
- Well, we usually are.
- When have you ever seen that?
61
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,770
What are you hens cackling about?
62
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,072
Just asking how they are.
63
00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:06,241
- Gonna jump in the pool.
- Okay, see you.
64
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,143
Haley doesn't care how people are.
65
00:02:08,245 --> 00:02:09,745
- What's going on?
- It's nothing.
66
00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:12,014
She was just asking for some advice.
67
00:02:12,116 --> 00:02:13,148
Why wouldn't she come to me?
68
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:15,517
I thought we were
finally becoming friends.
69
00:02:15,619 --> 00:02:16,918
Well, you know, think about it, Claire.
70
00:02:17,021 --> 00:02:19,154
All the secrets that
you kept from your mom.
71
00:02:19,256 --> 00:02:21,156
Yeah, but my mom
72
00:02:21,258 --> 00:02:23,091
was an uptight, crazy person.
73
00:02:23,193 --> 00:02:25,927
Let's just slowly back away
as that settles in.
74
00:02:36,107 --> 00:02:41,107
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com
75
00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:44,946
Hey, buddy!
76
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:47,749
Ready for the best thing
to happen to your mouth since...
77
00:02:47,851 --> 00:02:50,786
I'm gonna bail on that.
I took off without a place to land.
78
00:02:50,888 --> 00:02:53,021
- How about a Mint "Jay-lep"?
- I'll pass,
79
00:02:53,123 --> 00:02:55,190
seeing as I'm not a
hundred-year-old Southern lady.
80
00:02:57,995 --> 00:02:59,861
I finally saw the movie
"Mean Girls."
81
00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:01,596
I know. I'm a middle-aged man.
82
00:03:01,698 --> 00:03:03,198
How'd I wait so long?
83
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:06,435
The point is, I realized
I have a mean girl in my life...
84
00:03:06,537 --> 00:03:07,602
Jay.
85
00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:08,837
Like last week at this wedding,
86
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,672
I'm rocking my moonwalk, and Jay yells,
87
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:14,176
"Hey, look, it's Michael Jerkson."
88
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:15,677
Enough's enough.
89
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,380
How do you get a mean girl
to stop being a mean girl?
90
00:03:18,482 --> 00:03:20,882
Be mean girlier.
91
00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:22,384
No, no, no, no, you're gonna love it.
92
00:03:22,486 --> 00:03:24,319
Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.
93
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,188
You keep saying "Jay-leps."
94
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:29,424
Yeah, well I made juleps, and...
and... and my name's Jay,
95
00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:30,859
so I call them "Jay-leps."
96
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,594
No, I get it.
97
00:03:34,264 --> 00:03:35,597
It's just a fun thing.
98
00:03:35,699 --> 00:03:38,066
Ooh, are these the Mint Jay-leps
we've been hearing about?
99
00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:39,568
- Yeah.
- Jay-leps.
100
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:41,603
- Adorbs.
- They are adorbs.
101
00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:42,904
Why do I doubt myself?
102
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Manny!
103
00:03:44,741 --> 00:03:45,874
How was the road trip?
104
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,810
What can I say?
Six weeks, 33 states,
105
00:03:48,912 --> 00:03:51,179
a lot of fake scrotums
on the back of pickup trucks.
106
00:03:51,281 --> 00:03:54,282
And he met a very nice girlfriend,
and he's in love.
107
00:03:54,384 --> 00:03:55,884
Let's see a pic.
108
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,319
Wish I could.
109
00:03:57,421 --> 00:03:58,887
I-I went old-school
and used a film camera,
110
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,389
and the one roll I took of her
fell into the Grand Canyon.
111
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,191
You don't have a single photo of her?
112
00:04:03,293 --> 00:04:06,027
Well, just this blurry one
on my phone.
113
00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:07,062
Let's see.
114
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,164
Look at her.
115
00:04:08,265 --> 00:04:09,331
Yeah, you can't really
116
00:04:09,433 --> 00:04:11,366
make her out, but it captures
her wild spirit.
117
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,034
Yes.
118
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,239
- Is it me, or is Manny dating Bigfoot?
- Yeah.
119
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:18,373
Let me tell you the difference
120
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,809
between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot.
121
00:04:20,911 --> 00:04:22,110
Bigfoot could be real.
122
00:04:22,212 --> 00:04:23,545
She's not a fake girlfriend.
123
00:04:23,647 --> 00:04:25,147
You want to hear the kicker?
124
00:04:25,148 --> 00:04:26,148
She's from Canada.
125
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,682
- No.
- Yikes.
126
00:04:27,784 --> 00:04:30,452
- Stop it!
- Back me up, boys.
127
00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:31,553
You know what, Gloria?
128
00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:33,688
Canada is good for a lot of things,
129
00:04:33,790 --> 00:04:36,124
but their number-one export
is fake girlfriends.
130
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,726
Yeah, it's kind of a thing.
131
00:04:37,794 --> 00:04:39,194
Before Cam and I came out,
132
00:04:39,296 --> 00:04:41,029
we each had Canadian girlfriends.
133
00:04:41,098 --> 00:04:43,365
So, what are you saying now?
That Manny's gay?
134
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:47,536
We weren't, but he does check
a few of the boxes.
135
00:04:47,638 --> 00:04:49,037
Come on. Look at him.
136
00:04:49,139 --> 00:04:52,707
He's as straight as the swim
from Cartagena to Houston.
137
00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:55,377
The trip was amazing,
and I did the cheekiest thing.
138
00:04:55,479 --> 00:04:57,045
I saw "Oklahoma!" in Oklahoma,
139
00:04:57,114 --> 00:04:58,780
"Chicago" in Chicago, and then,
140
00:04:58,849 --> 00:05:01,216
I got in a little trouble in River City.
141
00:05:01,285 --> 00:05:04,185
Okay, that's the gayest thing
I've ever heard,
142
00:05:04,256 --> 00:05:06,222
and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.
143
00:05:06,325 --> 00:05:07,791
He's had so many girlfriends.
144
00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:10,393
The last one was a woman in her 20s.
145
00:05:10,462 --> 00:05:12,495
Yeah, but didn't you say he was
so sweet when she stayed over
146
00:05:12,564 --> 00:05:13,596
he offered to sleep on the couch?
147
00:05:13,665 --> 00:05:16,733
So what? My first boyfriend at his age,
148
00:05:16,835 --> 00:05:18,368
he wasn't ready to sleep with me.
149
00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:20,070
And what does he do now?
150
00:05:20,172 --> 00:05:23,306
He runs a very nice bed and breakfast.
151
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:24,972
- With...?
- With...?
152
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,774
His good friend Steven!
153
00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:28,109
Shut up!
154
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:31,612
I-I really feel for Manny
155
00:05:31,714 --> 00:05:33,648
if he's wrestling with this secret.
156
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,082
Yet you had
no problem keeping
157
00:05:35,184 --> 00:05:37,051
an indiscretion from me for 16 years.
158
00:05:37,153 --> 00:05:38,286
- And off we go.
- Yeah.
159
00:05:38,354 --> 00:05:40,288
Just like the shorts of
that beefy UPS driver
160
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,722
that delivered you
two packages that day.
161
00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,958
Wow, that is not what happened!
162
00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:45,826
So, you admit something happened!
163
00:05:45,871 --> 00:05:47,070
Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything
164
00:05:47,173 --> 00:05:49,072
'cause it is so much tamer
than what's in your head.
165
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,308
- Okay.
- Six weeks into our relationship,
166
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,343
before we decided we were exclusive,
167
00:05:53,412 --> 00:05:55,746
I kissed someone in a bar.
168
00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:58,081
- See, it's not a big deal.
- Okay, yes, it is a big deal,
169
00:05:58,184 --> 00:06:00,083
which is why I rejected
170
00:06:00,186 --> 00:06:02,820
a very similar advance at the same time
171
00:06:02,922 --> 00:06:04,321
from a celebrity,
172
00:06:04,423 --> 00:06:05,522
but I'm not gonna tell you who that is,
173
00:06:05,624 --> 00:06:07,057
because I don't
want you to feel insecure.
174
00:06:07,126 --> 00:06:08,525
Cam, we both know you're seconds away
175
00:06:08,627 --> 00:06:11,161
- from telling me...
- It was Isaac Mizrahi!
176
00:06:11,690 --> 00:06:13,357
Yeah, that's right.
177
00:06:13,459 --> 00:06:14,958
Cindy Crawford's friend!
178
00:06:27,850 --> 00:06:29,783
There you are.
179
00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:31,318
We haven't had a chance
to talk about anything
180
00:06:31,387 --> 00:06:32,720
since you got back.
181
00:06:32,755 --> 00:06:35,656
So, tell me about this
new Canadian girlfriend.
182
00:06:35,725 --> 00:06:38,092
Well, she's brilliant, but humble,
183
00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,894
beautiful, but accessible,
184
00:06:39,962 --> 00:06:41,462
one of the funniest people
I've ever met,
185
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,697
but, also, deeply serious.
186
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,574
Such lovely, general terms.
187
00:06:46,643 --> 00:06:49,077
She sounds a little bit
too good to be true.
188
00:06:49,587 --> 00:06:50,787
What is her name?
189
00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:52,055
It's Sherry Shaker.
190
00:06:53,158 --> 00:06:54,724
Sherry Shaker?
191
00:06:54,759 --> 00:06:57,293
Those are the two things that
are in front of you at this bar.
192
00:06:57,362 --> 00:06:58,995
Delightful!
193
00:06:59,097 --> 00:07:00,196
Manny...
194
00:07:00,265 --> 00:07:02,699
is there anything
that you need to tell me?
195
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,867
Maybe some kind of...
196
00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:06,669
sexual thing?
197
00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:07,837
Um...
198
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,840
I really don't want to talk about this.
199
00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:13,366
Okay, papi, but you know I love you
200
00:07:13,468 --> 00:07:14,968
and that you can be honest with me
201
00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:16,703
about anything, right?
202
00:07:16,771 --> 00:07:18,538
In that case...
203
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:20,006
This is a lot.
204
00:07:20,075 --> 00:07:21,574
I'm pretty desensitized to it,
205
00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:23,242
but I saw Luke walk into a wall.
206
00:07:28,757 --> 00:07:30,089
What are you guys laughing at?
207
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,557
I wouldn't worry about it.
208
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,126
You said something funny, didn't you?
209
00:07:33,194 --> 00:07:34,927
The guy's a joke machine!
210
00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,962
- Someone's sitting there.
- Who?
211
00:07:37,002 --> 00:07:39,302
Someone who doesn't ask
a million questions.
212
00:07:40,405 --> 00:07:41,938
Grandpa, you can sit with us.
213
00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:45,409
Great.
214
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,098
It was working, but it was killing me.
215
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,534
I've actually had dreams
where the only thing happening
216
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,536
was me sitting with Jay
while he, you know,
217
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:54,705
tousles my hair, calling me "Sport."
218
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,106
Congrats, honey.
219
00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:58,575
Always proud to celebrate
one of your awards.
220
00:07:58,677 --> 00:08:00,244
I didn't win an award.
221
00:08:00,775 --> 00:08:02,375
Well, then, what are we all doing here?
222
00:08:02,477 --> 00:08:03,810
I'm a busy man!
223
00:08:03,878 --> 00:08:06,379
- Don't you just golf now?
- I work when it's raining.
224
00:08:06,481 --> 00:08:07,880
Why am I defending myself to you?
225
00:08:07,949 --> 00:08:09,182
And why is your father mad at me?
226
00:08:09,284 --> 00:08:10,984
- Did I do something?
- Probably.
227
00:08:11,052 --> 00:08:12,318
Isn't that your relationship?
228
00:08:12,387 --> 00:08:14,787
He's always desperate for your
approval and you shoot him down?
229
00:08:14,823 --> 00:08:16,623
It's supposed to be, but
all of a sudden, he's, like...
230
00:08:16,691 --> 00:08:18,891
all cold.
231
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,159
Wouldn't let me sit with him.
232
00:08:20,228 --> 00:08:23,028
So high school.
233
00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:24,553
Dad and I watched "Mean Girls"
the other night,
234
00:08:24,622 --> 00:08:26,155
and I chewed off a piece of my hair
235
00:08:26,224 --> 00:08:28,090
reliving how awful it was.
236
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,126
Wait.
237
00:08:30,194 --> 00:08:32,795
In the movie, the heroine
takes down the head mean girl
238
00:08:32,897 --> 00:08:34,997
by being mean to her.
239
00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:36,760
Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you?
240
00:08:37,897 --> 00:08:39,329
Son of a bitch.
241
00:08:39,398 --> 00:08:41,265
Phil thinks he can "Mean Girls" me?
242
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:43,133
How lame is that?
Let me tell you something...
243
00:08:43,202 --> 00:08:45,335
I might be a pretty face,
but I fight to win.
244
00:08:45,404 --> 00:08:47,071
Just like "Legally Blonde"!
245
00:08:50,059 --> 00:08:52,059
You're not looking at your phone.
246
00:08:52,161 --> 00:08:54,261
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
247
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,263
You know,
if something was on your mind,
248
00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:58,566
I'm an excellent person to confide in.
249
00:08:58,668 --> 00:08:59,834
No judgment.
250
00:08:59,936 --> 00:09:02,436
God knows I've done some stuff
I'm not proud of.
251
00:09:02,538 --> 00:09:04,672
Like what?
252
00:09:05,742 --> 00:09:07,742
J-Just like...
253
00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,243
shoplifting.
254
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,947
Wow. Really?
255
00:09:12,015 --> 00:09:13,615
I mean, no judgment here...
I do it, too.
256
00:09:13,717 --> 00:09:15,550
What? You do?
257
00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:17,385
Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it.
258
00:09:17,454 --> 00:09:20,021
I only take things from
companies that use child labor.
259
00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:22,591
That is how my generation
is saving the world.
260
00:09:22,659 --> 00:09:25,560
Haley, I did not raise you to steal.
261
00:09:25,629 --> 00:09:27,095
You just said you do it, too!
262
00:09:27,164 --> 00:09:28,463
I made that up so you would tell me
263
00:09:28,565 --> 00:09:30,198
- what's going on in your life!
- Why would I?
264
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:31,967
Stuff a couple Pakistani
lipsticks in my purse,
265
00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:33,335
and you freak out at me!
266
00:09:36,888 --> 00:09:39,289
Well, well, well, if it isn't
John, Paul, and George.
267
00:09:39,391 --> 00:09:40,690
Anyone need a Ringo?
268
00:09:40,792 --> 00:09:42,458
Actually, we can get by
269
00:09:42,527 --> 00:09:44,527
without a little help from you, friend.
270
00:09:45,831 --> 00:09:47,063
Well...
271
00:09:47,165 --> 00:09:49,232
pool's so over, anyways.
272
00:09:49,301 --> 00:09:52,068
Maybe, the guys want to hit the H2O,
273
00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:53,536
rock some Marco Polo.
274
00:09:53,638 --> 00:09:55,405
Good for you not letting that chest
275
00:09:55,473 --> 00:09:57,173
get in the way of having fun.
276
00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:58,875
Most guys wouldn't go shirtless
277
00:09:58,977 --> 00:10:00,410
until they got a little...
278
00:10:00,478 --> 00:10:01,511
muscle.
279
00:10:03,451 --> 00:10:05,084
- We need to talk.
- Wait. Something weird is happening.
280
00:10:05,186 --> 00:10:06,686
I want to see how it plays out.
281
00:10:06,754 --> 00:10:08,621
Who's ready to hit the pool?
282
00:10:08,623 --> 00:10:09,655
Marco!
283
00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:12,058
Solo!
284
00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:18,331
Okay, I know emotional slights
usually roll off me
285
00:10:18,399 --> 00:10:20,566
- like water off a mule's back...
- Isn't it "duck"?
286
00:10:20,635 --> 00:10:22,502
A lot of animals bead, Mitchell.
287
00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:24,403
The point is I need to know details.
288
00:10:24,946 --> 00:10:26,846
I need to know what happened...
289
00:10:26,915 --> 00:10:28,281
...and with whom.
290
00:10:28,383 --> 00:10:30,416
Was it a peck? Was it with Pepper?
291
00:10:30,518 --> 00:10:31,551
Was he drunk?
292
00:10:31,619 --> 00:10:33,119
Did you get a peck
from a pickled Pepper?
293
00:10:33,188 --> 00:10:34,520
How long have you been sitting on that?
294
00:10:34,589 --> 00:10:36,556
You kissed a man six week...
295
00:10:36,658 --> 00:10:38,358
- Hi.
- Hi.
296
00:10:39,961 --> 00:10:42,328
You kissed a man six weeks
into our relationship
297
00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:44,063
when I'm telling you "I love you."
298
00:10:44,132 --> 00:10:46,232
I'm calling my mom,
telling her I'd met the one
299
00:10:46,301 --> 00:10:49,401
while you're sidled up next to
some cha-cha queen at a urinal.
300
00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:51,332
Okay, this insane reaction is proof
301
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,633
that I did the right thing
not telling you.
302
00:10:52,702 --> 00:10:54,602
Okay, everyone knows this kind of secret
303
00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,103
is poison, Mitchell.
304
00:10:56,172 --> 00:10:57,304
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
305
00:10:57,373 --> 00:10:58,939
Let's take it to the room.
306
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:00,941
Hey, you all heard
that whole conversation, right?
307
00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:02,109
- Of course, yeah.
- S�.
308
00:11:02,211 --> 00:11:05,046
So, Phil, if Claire kissed someone
309
00:11:05,114 --> 00:11:08,882
very early into the relationship,
should she have told you?
310
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:10,501
- Of course.
- No way.
311
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,303
What? Did you kiss someone?
312
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:15,005
See? Secrets. Tearing them apart.
313
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:17,007
Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know
314
00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:18,876
that I support your lifestyle,
315
00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:20,778
and I find it very charming
316
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,080
when your people act very emotional
317
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,816
and inappropriate in public.
318
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,786
Okay, so I'm getting
no help from this room.
319
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,088
I'm sorry, but kissing someone
outside of a relationship
320
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,090
is a big deal and you should
fess up right away.
321
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,325
You told them?!
322
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,826
Yes! Yes, they told us everything,
323
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,294
and I can't believe you did that!
324
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,897
Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan
was a huge part of my life...
325
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,333
You kissed Dylan?! That's your secret?
326
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,467
You tricked me!
327
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,202
What are you doing?
328
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:46,505
You are dating
a world-renowned scientist.
329
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,340
I mean, isn't Dylan still married
330
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,775
and still an idiot?
331
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:52,110
Hey, he is not still married.
332
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,912
And he's getting his life together.
He's in nursing school.
333
00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:57,366
Good for him. I love Dylan.
334
00:11:57,434 --> 00:11:59,067
Honey, she's dating Arvin.
335
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,402
We love Arvin now.
336
00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:01,937
And wouldn't it be wonderful
337
00:12:02,006 --> 00:12:05,574
if someone called Dylan
loved someone called Arvin?
338
00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:08,176
No one in this room would have
a problem with it.
339
00:12:08,245 --> 00:12:10,879
Am I wrong, or is your mom
trying to get Alex
340
00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:12,080
to come out of the closet?
341
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,206
God, it's Arvin calling.
342
00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:17,708
Quick, a show of hands,
who thinks I have to tell him?
343
00:12:18,345 --> 00:12:19,444
One, two, three, four.
344
00:12:19,546 --> 00:12:21,446
Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?!
345
00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:25,616
Yay, I'm so happy I finally reached you!
346
00:12:25,685 --> 00:12:26,851
I know.
347
00:12:26,953 --> 00:12:29,520
How's work? Any major breakthroughs?
348
00:12:29,589 --> 00:12:31,556
Well, I-I made a German laugh.
349
00:12:33,093 --> 00:12:34,926
I miss you terribly.
350
00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:37,128
I miss you, too.
351
00:12:37,230 --> 00:12:39,897
Listen, um, we have to talk.
352
00:12:39,964 --> 00:12:43,198
I love you, and this is
really hard for me to say,
353
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,733
but, I, um...
354
00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:46,535
I did something stupid.
355
00:12:46,637 --> 00:12:48,804
I kissed my ex-boyfriend.
It meant nothing, I swear,
356
00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:51,774
and I'm hoping you'll forgive me,
and we can forget this ever happened.
357
00:12:53,711 --> 00:12:55,377
Sorry, love, you froze up.
358
00:12:55,479 --> 00:12:57,679
I-I-I missed the... the whole thing.
359
00:12:57,797 --> 00:12:59,464
That sucks. Um...
360
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:03,401
This is really hard for me,
but I did something stupid.
361
00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:05,570
I kissed my ex-boyfriend.
It meant nothing, and I...
362
00:13:05,672 --> 00:13:08,873
Sorry, froze up again
in the funniest position.
363
00:13:08,975 --> 00:13:10,908
You look like you'd smelled
something dreadful.
364
00:13:11,010 --> 00:13:12,543
- Have another go.
- Okay.
365
00:13:12,645 --> 00:13:14,979
- I messed up, and I kiss...
- Wait!
366
00:13:15,081 --> 00:13:16,247
Okay, go.
367
00:13:16,349 --> 00:13:17,715
I kissed my ex-boyfriend!
368
00:13:19,219 --> 00:13:21,986
Damn it, stop freezing!
369
00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:24,655
Not frozen.
370
00:13:24,758 --> 00:13:26,691
Shocked.
371
00:13:26,793 --> 00:13:28,459
Very hurt, actually.
372
00:13:28,561 --> 00:13:29,961
I'm so sorry.
373
00:13:30,063 --> 00:13:31,763
It meant nothing. Can...
374
00:13:31,865 --> 00:13:33,197
Can we please move past this?
375
00:13:33,299 --> 00:13:34,332
I don't know.
376
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,400
Um, we said that we loved each other.
377
00:13:36,503 --> 00:13:38,302
I-I trusted you.
378
00:13:38,404 --> 00:13:40,772
What I want to do is hang up
on you right now.
379
00:13:40,874 --> 00:13:42,140
Wait, I...
380
00:13:44,055 --> 00:13:46,621
Well, I told him, and it
couldn't have gone worse.
381
00:13:46,689 --> 00:13:47,888
- No.
- I'm sorry.
382
00:13:47,890 --> 00:13:49,990
- He broke up with you.
- Not yet.
383
00:13:50,035 --> 00:13:51,835
He just hung up on me.
384
00:13:51,904 --> 00:13:53,537
Come here, honey.
385
00:13:53,639 --> 00:13:56,740
I'm... I'm so sorry, and I know
why you didn't come to me.
386
00:13:56,809 --> 00:13:59,042
I haven't always been
Dylan's biggest fan.
387
00:13:59,111 --> 00:14:00,777
You pushed him into a beehive.
388
00:14:00,879 --> 00:14:02,646
You know, to be fair,
I pushed him off of you,
389
00:14:02,748 --> 00:14:04,514
and he fell into the beehive,
390
00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:08,259
but, regardless,
I want to be supportive.
391
00:14:08,328 --> 00:14:10,094
No judgment. I promise. I promise.
392
00:14:10,196 --> 00:14:12,497
I can't believe how stupid I was.
393
00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:13,865
I let Dylan get in my head,
394
00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:15,600
and now I might have ruined
everything with Arvin.
395
00:14:15,668 --> 00:14:17,034
- Mnh.
- So...
396
00:14:17,103 --> 00:14:18,669
what we're learning is that
397
00:14:18,738 --> 00:14:20,838
sometimes it is better
to keep the secret.
398
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,340
You can't be proud of that.
399
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,829
Look, honey, sometimes
these things happen.
400
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:25,931
They happened with them,
401
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,432
but that turned out to be a good thing.
402
00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:28,633
I'm sorry. In what way?
403
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,169
Because after Mitchell
kissed the guy in the bar,
404
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,804
he called me crying,
405
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,240
so tortured.
406
00:14:35,725 --> 00:14:37,224
He said the second he did it,
407
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:38,792
he knew he wanted to spend
408
00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:41,095
the rest of his life with Cam.
409
00:14:41,163 --> 00:14:42,696
Mitchell, is that true?
Why didn't you say that?
410
00:14:42,765 --> 00:14:45,499
Because we've been together
for 15 years, Cam.
411
00:14:45,601 --> 00:14:47,301
I got defensive. I'm sorry.
412
00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:49,870
No. I'm sorry.
413
00:14:49,939 --> 00:14:51,138
You know, I freaked out,
414
00:14:51,207 --> 00:14:53,307
and I made this whole day about myself.
415
00:14:53,376 --> 00:14:56,877
And you're right... I can be
self-centered and emotional.
416
00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,043
I guess it's, you know,
417
00:14:59,145 --> 00:15:01,512
because of all that time
my daddy spent with his pigs.
418
00:15:01,614 --> 00:15:02,614
Cam. Please.
419
00:15:02,648 --> 00:15:03,748
It's time.
420
00:15:06,152 --> 00:15:08,486
Haley, you're not a bad person.
421
00:15:08,554 --> 00:15:10,921
Maybe this kiss taught you
something you needed to know,
422
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:12,690
just like it did with Uncle Mitch.
423
00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,358
If that's the case,
424
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:16,527
you need to fight for the man you love
425
00:15:16,629 --> 00:15:18,429
and shut it down with the one you don't.
426
00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:20,695
You're right.
427
00:15:20,797 --> 00:15:22,563
- I have to go see Dylan.
- Okay.
428
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:26,167
Be strong. Don't let him manipulate you.
429
00:15:26,269 --> 00:15:29,303
- He can be a very em...
- She's good.
430
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:30,605
She's good.
431
00:15:32,609 --> 00:15:35,443
So happy that you came out.
432
00:15:35,512 --> 00:15:36,677
What's going on with you?
433
00:15:37,141 --> 00:15:38,707
Where did you get that raft?
434
00:15:38,776 --> 00:15:42,044
It was in a gift bag from
a very moving Pride benefit
435
00:15:42,113 --> 00:15:43,846
that I went to with Mitch and Cam.
436
00:15:43,915 --> 00:15:45,714
If you want to know if I'm gay,
just ask me.
437
00:15:45,783 --> 00:15:48,050
No, I don't want to be pushy.
438
00:15:48,152 --> 00:15:49,952
I like women, Mom!
439
00:15:50,021 --> 00:15:51,520
Why on Earth would you think I'm gay?
440
00:15:51,589 --> 00:15:54,123
In fairness, you do check
a lot of the boxes.
441
00:15:54,192 --> 00:15:55,724
I only thought it because Jay said
442
00:15:55,793 --> 00:15:58,360
that the Canadian girlfriends are fake
443
00:15:58,462 --> 00:16:00,729
and that Mitch and Cam had them.
444
00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:02,338
You think my girlfriend is fake?
445
00:16:02,406 --> 00:16:03,939
Well, you didn't have any pictures,
446
00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:05,674
and at the bar, you said that her name
447
00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:08,744
was something like
Olive Cocktail-napkin.
448
00:16:08,813 --> 00:16:10,212
It's Sherry Shaker!
449
00:16:10,314 --> 00:16:11,714
I am sorry,
450
00:16:11,816 --> 00:16:14,984
but when I asked you if you
were hiding something from me,
451
00:16:15,052 --> 00:16:17,887
you got all defensive,
and you boob-shamed me.
452
00:16:17,955 --> 00:16:19,889
Because something did happen.
453
00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:21,590
Sherry and I...
454
00:16:21,692 --> 00:16:23,459
we joined our...
455
00:16:24,011 --> 00:16:25,610
We crossed that beauteous threshold
456
00:16:25,679 --> 00:16:27,612
into the physical expression of love.
457
00:16:27,681 --> 00:16:30,548
Have you ever heard a straight
guy describe sex that way?
458
00:16:30,651 --> 00:16:32,017
That's what he meant?
459
00:16:32,119 --> 00:16:34,185
Why does that feel worse to me?
460
00:16:34,641 --> 00:16:36,574
Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin.
461
00:16:36,676 --> 00:16:39,444
Please, I'm dating a fireman.
462
00:16:39,546 --> 00:16:41,046
I'm having hotter sex than...
463
00:16:44,084 --> 00:16:45,216
Hey, Dad?
464
00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:46,618
What are you doing?
465
00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:53,124
He wouldn't.
466
00:16:53,776 --> 00:16:56,577
I realized he
was "Mean Girls-ing" me back
467
00:16:56,646 --> 00:16:58,345
with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde,"
468
00:16:58,414 --> 00:17:00,047
which I'll bet he thinks
I didn't notice.
469
00:17:00,116 --> 00:17:01,582
I had to change tactics.
470
00:17:01,684 --> 00:17:02,916
I had to stop acting like a mean girl
471
00:17:02,985 --> 00:17:05,352
and do the last thing Jay
would ever expect me to do...
472
00:17:05,454 --> 00:17:07,387
act like a man.
473
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:08,660
What the hell are you doing?!
474
00:17:08,729 --> 00:17:10,128
Yeah, well, everybody's hungry,
475
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,563
and the prevailing opinion is that
476
00:17:11,665 --> 00:17:12,998
I'm a better griller than you.
477
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,199
No.
478
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,701
Wow. You must think you're pretty tough.
479
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,737
- Not as tough as your meat.
- Claire!
480
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,039
Yes, good, everybody get out here!
481
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,173
What? What's going on?
482
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,709
It's Phil! Phil is grilling!
483
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,644
This bozo just told me
484
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,546
that you think I overcook your meat.
485
00:17:28,608 --> 00:17:29,614
Is that true?
486
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,417
Um...
487
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,818
Luke?!
488
00:17:38,412 --> 00:17:40,279
Dad, we love you, but...
489
00:17:40,915 --> 00:17:42,981
...you don't know what medium-rare is.
490
00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:44,416
I've... I've given you
a meat thermometer
491
00:17:44,485 --> 00:17:45,751
for three Father's Days in a row.
492
00:17:45,853 --> 00:17:47,052
For the love of God, just use one!
493
00:17:47,121 --> 00:17:49,021
Fine. See if I care.
494
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,490
But I don't know what
you have against me today...
495
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,192
kicking a man off his own grill,
496
00:17:53,294 --> 00:17:54,860
making fun of my Mint Jay-leps.
497
00:17:54,962 --> 00:17:57,496
You made fun of his Mint Jay-leps?
498
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,264
He did them for you.
499
00:17:59,981 --> 00:18:01,914
- What?
- I don't know what she's talking about.
500
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:04,283
The minute Jay created the Jay-leps,
501
00:18:04,352 --> 00:18:06,886
all he could keep saying was,
502
00:18:06,988 --> 00:18:08,654
"Phil's gonna get
such a kick out of this."
503
00:18:08,757 --> 00:18:10,390
But he didn't! He said it was dumb!
504
00:18:10,492 --> 00:18:12,191
He said it was an old lady's drink!
505
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:14,093
Since when do you care what I think?
506
00:18:14,162 --> 00:18:15,261
Always!
507
00:18:15,330 --> 00:18:16,829
He thinks that you're
the life of the party.
508
00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:18,097
He wants to be more like you.
509
00:18:18,199 --> 00:18:20,299
All I've said is that sometimes
510
00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:22,935
I envy people
who don't mind being an ass
511
00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:24,337
because they're having fun,
512
00:18:24,406 --> 00:18:25,972
and I guess...
513
00:18:26,074 --> 00:18:27,473
you're one of those people.
514
00:18:27,575 --> 00:18:28,975
Wow, so all this time,
515
00:18:29,077 --> 00:18:31,744
you've been mean to me
because you admire me so much?
516
00:18:31,846 --> 00:18:34,814
Hey, look at me.
517
00:18:35,270 --> 00:18:37,237
I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
518
00:18:37,339 --> 00:18:38,638
- You did?
- Yeah.
519
00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:40,373
Did you hear that, Gloria? He did.
520
00:18:40,442 --> 00:18:42,075
I only trashed them because
of what you called me
521
00:18:42,177 --> 00:18:43,743
when I was dancing at the wedding.
522
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:46,594
What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy?
523
00:18:46,663 --> 00:18:48,162
When you dropped your drink...
Spill Bumbly?
524
00:18:48,231 --> 00:18:49,397
Michael Jerkson.
525
00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:51,065
Yeah. I forgot about that one.
526
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:53,868
- I'm sorry.
- Don't... don't worry about it.
527
00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:55,002
What are we doing?
528
00:18:55,105 --> 00:18:57,004
Did you just call me "Sport"?
529
00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:01,309
Haley.
530
00:19:01,411 --> 00:19:02,977
I had a feeling it was gonna be you.
531
00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:04,312
You buzzed me in the gate.
532
00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:06,581
- Do you have a minute?
- Sure, my roommates and I
533
00:19:06,649 --> 00:19:09,049
are just studying
for physiology midterms.
534
00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:11,447
- She cute.
- Thanks, girl.
535
00:19:11,516 --> 00:19:12,582
That hair is on point.
536
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:14,817
I bought it yesterday.
537
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,286
Can we talk out here?
538
00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:21,858
Listen, I need you to know that
539
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,393
that kiss never should have happened.
540
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,296
Arvin and I are together,
and you and I are friends,
541
00:19:26,364 --> 00:19:27,964
and that's all we're ever going to be.
542
00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:29,632
No, thank you.
543
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,935
"No, thank you"?
I didn't ask you a question.
544
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,569
Well, let me ask you one.
545
00:19:33,638 --> 00:19:36,439
It's been 10 years,
and I can't move on from you.
546
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,408
Also not a question.
547
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,943
Remember the day we met?
548
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:41,144
I was walking through the halls,
549
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,313
and I saw the most beautiful girl,
550
00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:45,148
and I was like, "Whoa! Who is that?"
551
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,417
And you were like,
"That's Rebecca Salkin."
552
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:49,285
And then I turned and
saw you for the first time,
553
00:19:49,387 --> 00:19:51,821
and I was done with Rebecca Salkin.
554
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:55,627
Yeah, you were wearing that
cool, beat-up Army jacket,
555
00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:59,030
and I was completely jealous
of your eyelashes.
556
00:19:59,099 --> 00:20:00,765
Haley...
557
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,635
I fell in love with you that
day, and I've never stopped.
558
00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:07,005
I'm gonna keep making myself
better until I deserve you.
559
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:11,543
��
560
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,879
Why is it so hard
to be honest in relationships?
561
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,648
We play games.
562
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:18,216
We keep secrets...
563
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,721
I don't remember
crying to you about that kiss.
564
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,556
The truth wasn't moving the needle.
565
00:20:24,658 --> 00:20:25,724
You're welcome.
566
00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:27,358
...when all we want to do is connect.
567
00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:29,227
Everyone, listen up!
568
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,495
Hi, I'm Sherry.
569
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,064
I'm Manny's real Canadian girlfriend.
570
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:34,899
This isn't the first time
I've had to do this.
571
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,142
Hi!
572
00:20:36,177 --> 00:20:37,802
- Hey!
- Hola!
573
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:43,274
I guess we have to start with
being honest with ourselves.
574
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,943
And if I'm being honest...
575
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:48,813
...I love two people.
576
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,349
Damn it!
577
00:20:52,305 --> 00:20:54,526
Can we go?
Are we waiting for cake, or...?
578
00:20:54,561 --> 00:20:57,021
- Is it a birthday?
- Should I make a toast?
579
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,070
-To what?
-To whom?
580
00:20:58,105 --> 00:21:01,665
All right! It's come to my attention
through a series of assumptions,
581
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:04,398
old e-mails and lazy sheep-like thinking
582
00:21:04,423 --> 00:21:06,958
that we may have gathered for no reason!
583
00:21:06,983 --> 00:21:08,883
So it's not my welcome home party?
584
00:21:08,908 --> 00:21:10,226
- Of course it...
- No!
585
00:21:10,251 --> 00:21:12,398
Your mother thought Alex
won an award she didn't
586
00:21:12,423 --> 00:21:13,778
and the dry spell continues.
587
00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:17,261
Please, the last thing I'm
having is a dry... spell...
588
00:21:18,346 --> 00:21:20,245
People, listen up! There are too many
589
00:21:20,270 --> 00:21:22,350
actual reasons for us to see each other.
590
00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:25,433
We cannot afford to hang out by mistake!
591
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,333
I love you all, now go home.
592
00:21:27,358 --> 00:21:28,446
- Okay.
- Great.
593
00:21:28,471 --> 00:21:33,471
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www.addic7ed.com
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