All language subtitles for Modern Family.S09E19 - CHiPs and Salsa.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS - m

Not again.
I just came from an intervention.

Oh, no, no, Nicole,
this is a staff meeting.

You asked us to be here.

Oh.

Here you go, Kato.

Yes, I wanted to talk to you all

about something very important.

So, what plant has been revered

for its healing properties
for millions of years?

Aloe.

'ello to you, too,
but let's stay focused.

- Peppers.
- Peppers.

Weird, we are so
in synch these days.

I want to be in the pepper
business, people.

And I need ideas now.

I haven't come up with
a single product idea in weeks,

so I'm on thin ice at NERP.

And I don't mean
the low-calorie ice cubes

we sell on our website.

Well, my... my step-grandmother,

she is from Colombia,
and she sells a salsa

that is supposedly made
with these magical peppers.

Peppers?
I was just talking about them.

Yeah.

When can I meet her?

Sell my sauce business to NERP?

I think you could get
a lot for it.

When Nicole wants something,

she just throws money at it.

She bought her
next-door neighbor's house

because she liked the mailbox.

I don't know.

I do.
Dump it.

That thing is worth less
than a bachelor's degree.

Please, Gloria.
I really need this.

No one takes me seriously
at that office.

I don't even have
my own cubicle.

I share one, giant bean bag chair
with the interns.

I want to help you,

but...
something feels wrong.

Just go to the meeting
and hear what the offer is.

Okay, fine. I will go.
I will listen.

But I am not selling.

- What do you think?
- It's gonna be tough.

She's got a lot of practice
not selling that sauce.

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 09 Episode 19
Episode Title: "CHiPs and Salsa"

Whoa, what's up
with the blazer and the T-shirt?

Thought you were going
to a college interview,

not doing stand up in 1988.

I'm starting to think
maybe college isn't for me.

There's this guy at the club
who said I could be a model.

He said he's gonna take me
out to the desert this week

- and take some pictures.
- I'd put a pin in that.

Of course you're going to college.
What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I wasn't very good at school
the first time around.

- Maybe I'm just...
- Hey!

Don't you dare
call yourself "an idiot".

I wasn't going to.

I was gonna say,
"Maybe I'm not ready."

Honey, it's just nerves.

Change is scary, but in the end,

I promise,
it is all worth it.

Your mother's right.

You dig deep,
you make your best effort,

- that's where you find the glory.
- Exactly.

Like that time
I beat her in that race.

Maybe 10 years ago,
Phil challenged me to a race.

I don't believe it!

Daddy wins!

Do you believe in miracles?

U.S.A.!

He was feeling adrift
because the kids were back at school,

so I let him beat me.

He has not shut up
about it since.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, my God,
Usain Bolt wins again!

Can you even imagine

- what that feels like?
- Oh,

I don't have to, sweetheart.

I lived it.

All appeared lost,
but I turned on the afterburners...

He's heard the story, Phil.

And I pull off
one of the greatest upsets

in the history of
husband-and-wife competition.

Okay, I'll go to that college interview
and hear them out.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

I think what
you and I did right there

was called "great parenting".

Might be time
to retire that story.

I am so sorry.
That was insensitive.

I didn't realize
how much it must bother you

to relive that loss.

- Phil, I am just feeling...
- Hey, don't you dare call

- yourself "a failure".
- I let you win.

You what?

Oh, I had you beat, easily.
I didn't even break a sweat.

As a matter of fact,
I almost pulled a muscle holding back.

But, I saw how much it meant to you,
and I let you win.

Oh, wow, yeah.
No, that makes a lot of sense. I get it.

Like the way all the other horses
wanted Secretariat to feel good.

Now you're Secretariat?

I don't know.
Was Secretariat

married to a crazy person?

Oh, God, Phil,
I 100% let you win.

Then, you could 100%
beat me again.

Oh, I could. Same course?

I've only gotten stronger.

How 'bout
we add a few challenges?

- Monkey bars?
- Great! Rope climb.

I love it. Tires.

Why not? Noon?

- Fine. I have a showing. I'll move it.
- Hope it's not too heavy.

The release form
for this ride-along is...

is shockingly thorough.

I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.

I can't bury another ride-along.

I'm kind of the precinct cut up.

Okay. Mitchell, it'll be fine.
They do these things all the time.

Yeah, easy for you to say.
My entire head is a gang color.

Okay, this is so exciting.

You know, in my alternate life,
I'm a... I'm a cop.

I-I thought that your alternate life

was you teaching at-risk youth
to street dance.

No, I teach them
to believe in themselves

through street dance.

Cam's always wanted
to go on a ride-along.

So, I called in a favor

to my law school friend Lucy
at the DA's office.

Weird thing, they're understaffed.

And she offered me a job
as a prosecutor.

I just... I can't picture
myself with a badge.

I mean, I already hate
how thick my wallet is.

So, when do we roll?

- You mean leave?
- Oh, copy that.

You know, it's hard for me
not to use the lingo.

Bit of a lawman myself,
acting high-school vice principal.

Anyway, they call me "Arthritis"

because I make life hard on seniors.

They don't.

But he did make a sign
for his desk,

- didn't ya?
- Hey, hey.

Do you think that perhaps
you're coming on a tad strong?

No, I think Officer Stablitzky
appreciates me knowing the language.

It's, like, when you go to Italy,

you use "prego" every other word.
They love it.

Break-in in progress.
Cooper and Olympic.

- Wait. What was that?
- In progress?

Should we wait 'til they're done?

- 12-A-3 responding.
- Copy that, 12-A-3.

Mitchell, why don't you ride shotgun?

Oh, no, You know,
he doesn't do that well

on Splash Mountain
in the front seat, so...

- He'll be fine. Get in.
- Yes, sir. Okay.

Okay, and then, you know, then,

maybe I can front seat on
even crimes.

- You know, to keep it fair.
- Probably not.

You know, Phil,
it's not too late to back out.

I am in the best shape of my life.

After my last physical,

the doctor posted my stress test
on his Instagram.

Honey, I'm on the basketball court
four days a week.

They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".

Well, take a good look at this face
'cause it's the last time

you're gonna see it for a while...

- on your mark, get set, go!
- Hey!

I immediately pulled that muscle

that runs from
the top of your head

down to the bottom of your feet.

The truth is,

between work and
not wanting to workout,

I hadn't worked out that much.

Welcome to the jungle, Claire.

Monkey see,
monkey d... Ow!

My first thought was
that I had been shot in both shoulders.

Here's the thing...
while Claire works out,

I do go to the basketball court,

but, uh, for epic robot battles.

Oh, Spin-a-tron cornered me again.

Looks like you got me dead...
Possum-punch!

Possum-punch! Possum-punch!

Clouds look kind of ominous, huh?

Kind of felt a raindrop.

- Maybe we should reschedule...
- Okay.

Sorry we missed that robbery.

It would've been a fun way
to start the day.

Yeah, hi. Have you guys considered
using the Waze app.

I could fire it up

and it'd be kind of,
like, your Goose.

- Whoa, did you see that?
- See what?

I'm blocked.
I can't see anything.

That jerk just cut off that old lady.

- Wanna mess with him?
- Mess with who?

Is that allowed?

What's he gonna do,
call the cops?

Can you speak up a little bit?

- I'm losing the thread.
- That's the siren.

- Okay.
- Not yet.

Not yet. Now!

Oh! Oh, my God!

He's freaked out. Oh, he's pulling over.

- Put these on and glare at him.
- Okay, okay.

That's right.
You know you were bad.

Sit in your shame like a dog!

You're a natural.

Oh, my God, that was such a rush.

I imagine that's what it feels like
to punch a guy or...

or catch a ball while running.

Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up.

- Possible 10-99 right over here.
- What?

Couple low lifes over there
exchanging cash-money.

That's because it's a newsstand.

And I'm pretty sure a 1099
is a tax form.

Oh, yeah, well,
what isn't a form these days?

School board's got me
buried in paperwork.

I gotta get three John Hancocks
just to take a leak.

We're the same, see?

Oh, if I can interrupt
for just one second.

I've been typing
license plates numbers...

as you said I could...

and this guy in this dirty car here,

he has a warrant
for unpaid child support.

Good catch, Pritch.

He gets a nickname now?!

- Hmm, looking squirrely.
- Yeah.

Yep, we got a runner!

- Um...
- Stick by me.

Oh, my God, is this happening?

This is happening. Okay.

Hey, guys? Guys?

There's no handles back here!
I wanna come!

Well, Luke, I read your essay.

Took a lot of guts to admit

you weren't ready for college
a year ago.

I had a lot of growing up to do.

So, I got a job, I paid my bills,

and I read
the Wall Street Journal online

until I used up my five free articles.

Well, based on your credit score,

we'd like to welcome you
to Sequoia Community College.

Oh, thank you!

And once your walk through

one of our 15 TSA-approved
metal detectors,

anything is possible.

How hard is it?

Well, most of our students report

about 10 to 15 hours of
homework a week

in addition to class time.

That sounds like real college.

This is a real college.
And it's a lot of hard work.

But, you put in your two years here,

then transfer to a real...
to a four-year college

and you will land an entry-level job.

Nothing too glamorous,

but you pay your dues, climb the ladder.

By the time you're 45,

you're living in a three-bedroom house
with a picket fence!

Wow!

Three-bedroom house
with a picket fence?

Already got one of those.

Plus, free meals, laundry, and cable.

I am living the dream.

You know what I say?

"Who needs college?"

Great work out there.
I'm getting you a donut.

- You earned it.
- Er, a donut.

Isn't that a little on the nose?

- And a lot on the belly.
- Ah, Blitz!

Okay, guys, guys.

The door handle situation
really

- hasn't changed.
- Oh, sorry.

- Yeah.
- I opened it.

Sir? Okay.

So humiliating.

Officer Pierogi just
banishes me to the backseat

like I'm just along for the ride.

Well, it is called a "ride-along".
So...

Mitchell!

Oh, hey, Lucy, um...
Cam, this is Lucy.

She's the one that
set all this up for us.

- Oh, hi. Thank you so much.
- Hi.

- Mitchell had a wonderful time.
- Oh, great.

- So, does that mean the answer's "Yes"?
- What's the question?

Oh, I've been trying for weeks
to get this guy to become prosecutor.

Y... You mean, like, Angie Harmon on...
on "Law and Order"

or Susan Dey on "L.A. Law"?

Or a man who does that job.

Okay, well, why didn't you
tell me about this?

I'm going to give you guys a minute.

But, um, Mitchell,
I really need to know by Monday.

Otherwise, I have to move on
to someone else, okay?

- Okay.
- It was nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye!

Bye.

Okay, I'm... I'm sorry
I... I didn't tell you about the job.

It's... it's just a big change,

and I wanted to make
this decision on my own.

You know what, here's the good news.

- You have a fantastic job offer...
- Mm-hmm.

And if today taught us anything,

it's that you have a passion
for this world.

Well, actually,
if today taught me anything,

it's that I definitely
do not want this job.

I'm... I'm gonna go find Lucy.

Oh, good. I'm late.

I'm trying to free myself
of the calendar.

I live by my circadian rhythms.

So important!

Nicole, this is my grandfather, Jay.

How do you do?

And this is the sauce maven
herself, my wife, Gloria.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Oh, I love your accent.

You know, I was up for the role
of El Chapo's mistress.

Oh, I did not see that movie.

What movie?

And we appreciate you taking time

from your busy schedule
here at NERP.

It's a dynamite organization.

I'm a big fan.
Love what you're doing.

What are you doing?

I was selling. That's what I was doing.

I don't know what nonsense
this cult was pushing,

but at the end of the day, they were
gonna be in the sauce business.

And so, these peppers

are the heart of Gloria's sauce.

But this is the finished product,
of course...

the Salsa Atomica.

Mmm! Peppery!

She has a sophisticated palate!

Mmm!

I can feel the healing.

Maybe that's why
you're glowing.

Am I crazy or is she glowing?

Totally glowing!

Gloria, I notice that
you're really kind of quiet.

Is that a vitamin D thing?

'Cause we have socks
that can address that.

No, I'm just...

you know, it's hard for me to sell this.

It's been in my family
for five generations.

Most of them had kids at 15.

Things were not always easy
in my village.

But the one thing

that we could always count on
was the sauce

made from this blend
of magical Colombian peppers.

Well, maybe it was just the way

the water came down the mountain

and curved around our family farm.

I love mountains and curves.

So NERP!

You know, I remember

my grandmother cooking for me
every Sunday.

I would hold on to her apron

and follow her around the kitchen

while she prepared her sauce.

She would hold out the spoon to me

and say, "Taste this.

It's your familia."

I feel like NERP is my familia.

Yeah, we were all here on Christmas.

Maybe it is the right time.

My abuela is gone.

My great aunts are all gone.

They straightened the river.

NERP can re-curve it.

Maybe it is the time to say "Goodbye"

to the one thing that is
a real connection to...

You're not saying "Goodbye" to anything.

This deal is done!

I'm so sorry to have put you
in this position.

I will never ask you
to turn your back...

- You blew it, you dummy!
- What?

I wanted to sell
that stupid sauce!

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

Why did you tell her
that the deal was off?

I was trying to protect your legacy.

What legacy? There's not legacy.

I invented that whole story
to drive up the price.

- Are you sure you're in sales?
- What about the pictures?

I cut them out from Manny's
National Geographic old magazines.

Look, there's even a picture
at the Universal Studios tour.

That's the "Psycho" house in the back!

So, you want to get rid of the business?

Yes, I hate that sauce.

It's a dog!

I have storage lockers all over town

full of jars.

I tried to flush it,
but it eats up the pipes.

You could've just told me.

I didn't want to admit
that you were right

and have to hear "I told you so"
for the rest of my life.

Well, your life.

But, it was the first thing
I was doing on my own

after getting married.

And it was a failure.

Honey, you've got to
cut yourself some slack.

Do you know how many ideas
I had to dump

because they weren't working?

I was a silent partner
of a professional Jai Alai league.

With the ball and the scoopy thing?

You guys! What was that?!

Now I'm never gonna get
my own bean bag chair.

No, it's gonna be fine.
We want to sell now.

It's too late. She's moved on.

Nicole doesn't give second chances.

Mostly because that's the name

of a failed rom-com she made
with Andrew McCarthy.

That's where I've seen her before!

Listen, this isn't over.

I've had my back
against the wall before.

Denver, Closet-Con, '97.

I had a warehouse full of cedar shelves.

- A storm blew in over the Rockies...
- You sold the closet. I get it.

- Let's go up there.
- There's a whole story here.

Nicole! Look who came back!

Listen, we were just talking outside,

and maybe I was a little rash.

Really?

Maybe a big rash.

I'm so happy to hear you say that

'cause I haven't been able
to stop eating your salsa

since you left.

There's no way to prove that.

Apropos of nothing,

do you believe in Western medicine?

Ahh! Sweet.

- Luke!
- Dad?

Need you bad, buddy.

- Why are you yelling?
- Oh, don't tell Mom,

but I worked out too hard,
and it clogged my ears.

I need some ice. And a heating pad.
And some aspirin.

And some soft foods,
like Jell-o or soup.

Can you poach an egg?
Can you even hear me?!

Hi.

Okay.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay...?

What's going on?

Don't tell you father,
but I can't move.

Start me a tub
and when it's ready,

carry me upstairs
and put me in it.

Can you boil water for tea?

I guess.

Luke, what happened, chief?

Uh, I'm helping Mom with something!

Don't say that!

Claire, everything okay?!

Yes! I'm just stretching!

Me, too!

Luke!

Uh, he's helping me with
something on the computer!

He's so good at computers!

Oh, such a smart boy!

Okay, all right. This is nuts.

What? No. Oh, boy.

Hi.

Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, sweetie.

Are you good?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Are you good?
- So good!

I don't know what's going on here,

but neither of you are good!

If you want someone
to take care of you,

I suggest once you can move,
you make another baby.

You're hurting, too?

That race, it almost destroyed me.

And I have to spend the rest of my life
in this position.

What are we doing?

We're competing like
a couple of 40-year-olds.

I haven't worked out in months.

But, what's up with you?

You're out on that
basketball court all the time.

Claire.

There's someone I'd like
for you to meet...

This is Awesome Possum.

Instead of working out,

my super cool friends and I
have epic robot battles.

The only time I break a sweat

is when we run after
the ice cream truck.

Is this what giving up feels like?

No, not if we do it together.

Let's boldly walk forward
at a reasonable pace

into this new future

where we don't have to pretend
to be strong or fast.

- Can I make a confession?
- Yeah.

Sometimes, I get hungry at,
like, 5:00.

Me, too!

Let's start having early dinners!

It makes so much sense.

Old people are wise.

Oh!

Oh, no, Poss! No!

No! I gave you life!

Dr. Perry, this is Luke Dunphy.

Forget what I said.

I'd like to start college today.

No! Luke!

Mitchell, come in here.

Wow. Small room, big mirror, handcuffs.

Overcharge for drinks,

and this could be a bar
in West Hollywood.

Okay, why aren't you taking this job?

- I don't want to.
- Why not?

You hate freelancing.
You're barely doing it.

I-I'm plenty busy.

Are you? Because you know what?

Lily and I saw you

putting breadcrumbs
in your pocket the other day.

Are you back to spending
your afternoons

with the pigeons in the park,
Mitchell?

W... You know, they're hungry.

No, you're hungry. For a purpose.

It's just not my thing.

Sit down.

Not your thing, huh?

Okay, well, I snapped
this picture of you this afternoon.

Do you recognize the person
in this picture?

Uh, Yes, it's me.
You just said that, so...

Okay, well, what is
the expression on your face?

- What are you doing?
- I asked a question!

"What is the expression
on your face?"

It's a smile.

And how would you describe
this... "smile"?

Well, from ear-to-ear.

Wh-where's Blitz with my donut?

You'll get a donut when I get answers,
you piece of trash!

Hey!

Hey!

Oh, my gosh, what...

what's happening here, huh?

I'm sorry, Mitchell.
You know what?

I'm just here to help you.

Let's just you and me talk.

Are you seriously trying
to good cop/bad cop me?

No, I'm trying to get
some understanding

because I was with you
the entire afternoon

and you can't deny
you had a great time.

Wait a minute... except for when...

when you got out of the car
to chase that guy down.

- Mitchell, what happened?
- Nothing.

Okay, we were chasing after
that deadbeat guy,

and I started... I started
thinking about his kid.

And I just... I wanted
to catch him and make him pay.

And then,
Stablitzky got him on the ground

and I saw his face and he was...
he was scared.

There's a person there.
I don't know the whole story.

I don't think that I can just
toss someone into prison.

- Mitchell, come...
- See? This is why

I didn't tell you, okay?
You're judging me.

You're the tough, justice guy,

and I'm just... I'm soft.

No, you're fair.

And, of course, you can be
thoughtful and sensitive.

But you can be tough.

You remember the woman
in front of us at "Lion King"

with the candy wrappers
and the big, giant hat?

- Whoo, I went crazy on her.
- You sure did.

And it is that passion

that would make you
an amazing prosecutor.

- Do you really think so?
- Of course.

And nothing would thrill me more

than to watch you embark

on this new chapter of your life.

Aww.

It is... it is a lot less money,
though.

Well, you know,
we don't have to decide today.

Guys?
Guys, you forgot me again!

I like tacos too!

Mitchell!

Mitchell!

- Haley? In my office, please.
- Coming!

Okay...

Where are you?
Something happened to my face.

- Okay, I'll...
- I got it.

He's got it.