All language subtitles for Looking for Alaska - 01x08

"Verbally threatening suicide,

recent loss of a loved one to death,

expressions of
hopelessness and anger..."

"Sudden decline in academic performance,

increased used of
mind-altering substances,

loss of interest in sex".

Alaska displayed two
of those warning signs.

She had lost, though
not recently, her mom.

She was definitely drinking
a lot more at the end.

She did talk about dying.

Yeah, to be pretentious,
not because she meant it.

Her grades didn't drop,

and she sure as hell
didn't lose interest in sex.

I mean, you had to like sex an awful lot

to make out with your scrawny ass.

Funny.

Her mood could be so unpredictable.

Whenever she didn't feel like answering

"how", "when", "why",
or "what" questions,

she could get so dark.

What? And I can't get dark?

By the way, you haven't been

all sunshine and rainbows lately,

and you not gonna off yourself.

Wait, are you?

Funny.

Okay, I have a theory.

It's not terribly likely,
but it is plausible.

So that night, the phone rings.

It's Jake, calling to wish
her a happy anniversary.

What a nice guy.

So she feels awful for
hooking up with Pudge

and wants to go see him.

So now she's furious and
drunk and just mad at herself.

She's driving along,
and she sees the cop car.

And in a flash,
everything comes together

and she does it.

Not because she was drunk,
but because she killed herself.

That's ridiculous.

We've already been over this.

She wasn't thinking about Jake...

Do you even care about her or
give a fuck about the truth?

What are you even talking about?

Easy, Colonel.

If she loved you so much,
why'd she leave that night?

And if you loved her so
much, why'd you help her go?

I was drunk. What's your excuse?

Shut up.

Fuck you.

What the fuck is y'all looking at?

"How will we ever get out of
this labyrinth of suffering"?

And lately, we have all been
given more than enough reason

to despair, but here you all are

in my class.

In the face of great sadness,
you are all getting through.

You are, as they say, surviving.

So as you work on your paper,

as you try to answer the question

of the late Alaska
Young, ask yourself...

"What is my cause for hope"?

Hey, Pudge.

Pudge, slow those
scrawny legs down, man.

I, uh...

I know I said some pretty hurtful shit,

and I was wrong.

I just want things to be normal again.

Just me and you, normal.

That's all I want.

I feel like if we just knew...

You're right. We have
to keep on looking.

What if we don't figure anything out?

There are answers to every mystery,

just gotta know where to look.

Good thing I got a plan.

Excuse me.

I'm Alaska Young's brother,

and I need to speak to
the cop who saw her die.

26-8-7,
repeat.

You sure you're 19?

Excuse my French, Officer,

but that's bullshit.

You can get married at 18... hell,
14 with your parents' permission,

but I have to wait till I'm 19 to smoke?

- So you're 18.
- Man, write me a ticket.

We just need to know what you saw.

I've seen plenty, but
I ain't never seen that.

She didn't brake.

She just hit it.

Thought I was gonna die.

But here I am.

Did she say anything?

Like, did she have any last words?

Sorry, it's kind of a thing he's into.

She was, uh...

She was passed on, son.

Do you think it was an accident?

Well, I... I been a state
trooper for 26 years.

I seen more drunks than you can count.

Never seen anybody so
drunk they can't swerve.

How drunk was she?

Her, uh, blood alcohol was .21.

That's drunk, certainly.

It's powerful drunk.

Is there any chance we can get
a copy of the police report?

Um, I'm not supposed to do that

and certainly not to
hand over to some kids.

I understand, Officer. I really do.

But we're desperate and just searching

for any sort of clues
as to what happened

and maybe, just maybe, there's something

in that police report
that can help us out.

All right, but only
because you're family.

I'll go copy what I can for you boys.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Well, that cop just convinced me

it might have been a suicide.

And if she knew what she was doing,

she made us accomplices,
Pudge, and I hate her for that.

Maybe we should just let her be dead.

You kids go to Culver Creek?

Y'all had a death up there.

Uh, awful sorry to hear that.

It's on the house.

I always knew Alaska
was good for something.

It turns out she was.

Free Ding Dong.

The web says that
suicides usually involve

carefully thought out plans,

but nothing in that
report makes it seem like

she thought this out.

Her car had college brochures,

and she was clearly
planning for the future.

Okay, fine. It wasn't suicide.

But it doesn't make sense
as an accident either.

We're really making progress.

We have one move left.

The only way to get into
Alaska's head that night

is to get as drunk as she was.

The Eagle keeps a breathalyzer
in his house, and we need it.

Gentlemen, this is a pleasant surprise.

So is the sight of your upper lip.

Can I get you boys a
couple of croque monsieurs?

I just happened to be
cooking up a petit déjeuner,

if you are interested.
Uh, no thank you, sir.

Uh, we... we just ate.

So, what brings you to the Eagle's Nest?

Yes, I know what you
call me. It's charming.

They are a majestic bird, sir.

And patriotic.

Um, but anyway, we've been talking,

and we think it would be nice

to do something official
to memorialize Alaska.

Uh, perhaps you didn't hear us.

We already ate.

Yes, I have company.

Uh, those look fantastic.

- Madame O'Malley!
- Thank you.

Oh, mon Dieu!

I had no idea you and the Eag...

Mr. Starnes... were
spending time together.

You know, the French are
known for their sophistication.

Yep, they are very sophisticated

with their taste, I've heard.

Well, I'm from Albuquerque,
originally, but...

- Oh, great place.
- Merci, Chip.

- Gonna go grade some papers.
- Oh, come on!

Grading papers can wait.

Plus, you have a delicious egg
sando coming fresh off the stove.

And I need to know all
the deets about you two.

Mr. Starnes, you sly devil...

Watch your step, Chip.

Wow, that is some high-end fromage.

Oh, wow.

Really should not be interrupting

- this, uh, petit déjeuner.
- Hang out, Miles.

I can't take credit.

Um... but anyway, we should get going.

Yeah, we should go.

'Cause we got so many things...

Was that the front door?

- I did not hear anything.
- Neither did I.

Merde, are you two up to something?

Ah, merde.

Sorry, I... think I might
still just be a little on edge,

and you two don't exactly
have the best reputation.

It's totally understandable.

We have been known to cause
a little trouble in the past.

There's no comfort from
this grief, is there?

It's just been awful.

But some kind of
memorial would be lovely.

I'll think about it
over Christmas break.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

And I am gonna be sending
you two a mistletoe.

Y'all are crazy cute,
and I'm rooting for you.

Don't have too much fun.

- Thank you, Mr. Martin.
- A bientôt.

- Ah, help me, Pudge!
- All right.

- Help!
- That's shot number six.

We gotta go again.

Drinking this much vodka is bad enough,

but it's the milk that
may actually kill me.

It says there are no tire marks.

That means she didn't
brake. That's suicide.

Unless she fell asleep.

I don't know if you can drive straight

while y... you're asleep,
but if anyone could...

One of y'all can be a guinea
pig for that little experiment.

Oh, it burns! It burns.

Okay, blow hard into this
for at least two seconds.

- Is that what you told Lara?
- Shut up.

- .14.
- Oh, come on, man!

You're almost 2/3 of the way there.

Well, I'm 3/4 of the way to puking.

Ooh.

- I did it!
- .21!

Way to go, Colonel.

- Sit back down.
- Whoa, take it easy.

- I'm gonna puke.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't... you can't do that.

If you do that, you're gonna ruin

the whole experiment, and
we need more information.

We need you to pass
the field sobriety test.

Just walk a straight line.

- Oh, that's it?
- Yeah.

I can do that for sure.

Was she really this drunk?

Apparently.

Hey, could you drive right now?

No, no, no, no, no.

Pudge, we're really stupid.

We were worse than stupid.

She must have been wasted.

Why did we believe her
when she said she wasn't?

Because we never knew if
she was drunk or not...

if she was happy or not.

And we always did what she wanted.

- Cry.
- What?

- Cry.
- I'm coming in.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

What is going on in here?

Uh... uh, we do,

and... and I'm really, really sorry.

The Colonel's just having a
really tough time right now.

It's the Alaska thing. It's
just really hitting him.

I didn't know what to
do, so I got Takumi.

My... my, uh, shoulder's known as
Culver Creek's best for crying on.

Mr. Martin, is there
anything that I can do?

No, sir.

I'm just really grateful
I have such good friends.

I am too.

Mr. Hikohito, why don't
you get back to your room?

It's well past your bedtime.

And Miles...

Just keep an eye on him, okay?

If he needs a grief counselor,
the school can provide one.

- Will do.
- Thank you, Miles.

Now, lights out.

How are you, Miles?

You hanging in there, pal?

I'm, uh... you know.

Well, we are so excited
that you're coming home.

Yeah, your mom's almost forgiven you

for bailing on Thanksgiving.

She didn't stop talking about
all the leftover cranberry sauce.

That is untrue,

because there are never leftovers

when your Uncle Melvin joins us.

Don't shame Uncle Mel.

He got the lap band surgery,
and he's doing great now.

... talk about the surgery, Miles?

Miles, are you there?

Uh, I love you guys. I'll see you soon.

Hey.

Her plastic daisies.

When we were packing up her room,

do you remember, were her
plastic daisies in there?

I don't know. What?

Why?

Where's the police report?

What's going on, Pudge?

Holy shit.

Here it is.

Found in her car: her plastic daisies.

The daisies mean something.

Why would she leave here with
plastic daisies in her car?

She was on the phone with Jake,

and she got upset when he
brought up their anniversary,

so maybe in her feminist fashion,

she was bringing him
flowers to apologize?

Yeah, maybe.

We need to talk to Jake.
Maybe he can explain it.

I don't know.

We have to go where the
investigation takes us,

even if we don't like what we find.

Oh. Oh.

I still feel like death warmed over.

So I'm gonna need you
to do all the talking.

Can you turn off the sun?

- Yo.
- Hey, Jake.

- It's Miles.
- Oh, hey, Miles.

Good to hear from you, man.

Actually been thinking of calling you.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

You and I are kind of in
the same boat, you know?

How we felt about her, how we feel now,

like an Alaska support group.

That sounds nice.

Actually, Alaska is the
reason I'm calling you.

Yeah, she's all I think about too.

See, man, we're the same.

Um, is there any chance
that she was driving

to bring you plastic daisies?

Sorry, what does that
have to do with anything?

Um... I... I don't know.

I, uh... it sounds
weird saying it out loud.

Maybe it wasn't a clue after all.

It's funny.

I remember the day I met her.

She had a daisy in her hair,

sitting on that bridge,
just so freaking sad.

So freaking beautiful,
just drinking all alone.

- I'm so confused, man.
- Hang up.

- Shh.
- Hang up.

She broke up with me
and I still love her.

I'm really sorry, Jake, I...
I didn't mean to upset you.

I... I'll call you again, okay?

That was really rude.

We got as much as we gonna get

out of that beautiful, sad man.

So the daisies weren't for Jake.

Yeah, as I've been saying.

And they had nothing to
do with the anniversary,

but where else do you take flowers?

Uh, a wedding.

Why would you drive off
crying and hysterical

if you're going to a wedding?

- A funeral.
- No, Alaska don't know nobody who died.

Not recently.

Come on.

"Mary Ellen Young leaves
behind a daughter, Alaska".

This is it. This is her.

Look at the date. December 12th, 1997.

Which is the same date that Alaska died.

And the anniversary of
the day she met Jake.

Which is also the anniversary
of her mom's death.

- I forgot.
- That's where she was going!

Holy shit.

Takumi, my man.

We was looking for you.

- You missed class.
- We solved it.

I saw a daisy on the
wall by the payphone

and remembered her plastic daisies,

and they were in the car with her,

because she was driving
to her mother's grave.

It was the anniversary
of her mom's death,

which she forgot... well, almost.

That's why she was upset.

I can't believe we didn't
think of it earlier.

I mean, don't sell
yourself short, Pudge.

- We thought of it eventually.
- Yeah.

And what did I tell you?
There are always answers.

- Yeah, you did say that.
- I always say that.

What answers?

Well, the part about the daisy.

The flowers.

Yeah, what does that prove?

We still don't know
if it was an accident

or if she did it on purpose.

What exactly have you figured out?

Only Alaska knows if she fell asleep

or was fumbling for a cigarette
and didn't see a cop car,

or did see it and hit the gas.

And those secrets died with her.

Even if you did figure it all out,

what would it change?

It won't make her less dead.

- Listen, man, if you don't wanna know...
- We will never know.

This mystery can't be solved.

We have to live with that
for the rest of our lives.

Miles.

Miles.

Miles!

Are you gonna spend your
whole vacation in the pool?

We wanna spend some
time with you too, pal.

It's almost Christmas Eve.

Okay. I... I'll be out in a few.

And could you get rid of that for me?

Please.

Any big plans for Christmas, Chip?

You're looking at it.

I'll just be here, peddling lawn
ornament reindeer as one small cog

in the big Christmas industrial complex.

I hope you have a happy holiday.

- Probably won't.
- What's that now?

I said, you too, Ms. Wigfield.

♪ Now I'm so glad ♪

All right, Chip, it's
one thing to be sad,

but it's another to be
rude to my customers,

who are also our neighbors.

So leave the attitude behind
when we get to church tonight.

I'm not going to church.

♪ Till she has to go away ♪

Excuse me?

Oh, you're gonna turn
your back on Jesus?

I'm pretty sure he
turned his back on me.

I know you're upset, son,

but now, more than ever, you need prayer

and community, and God.

God?

What kind of God would let a
teenage girl die in a car accident?

Not one that I need. I'm done.

Hey, Miles?

Want to watch a little
Meerkat Manor with us?

It's gotten really good.

Flower just evicted Kinkaju and Mozart.

- Spoiler alert.
- Uh, I... I'm working.

Trying to finish this essay
for my World Religions class.

Or start it, actually. It's important.

I'm not really interested in
the domestic issues of meerkats.

While the rest of the Whiskers family

hang out together in the stolen burrow,

grooming and enjoying
each other's company,

it's a very different story...

I can't write with you staring at me.

I'm good.

I... I'm sorry, I just, uh...

this... this essay is
a big part of my grade,

and I don't even know
what I'm gonna write.

And so... I'm just... I'm
just under a lot of pressure.

Your father and I want you to know,

you don't have to go
back to Culver Creek.

You can return to your high school here.

You can come home, Miles.

We'll help you get over it.
I'm not gonna get over it.

I didn't mean right away, of course.

But in time, you will
weather this storm.

Not this one.

If people were rain...

I was drizzle.

And... she...

She was a hurricane, okay?

There's not gonna be a day in my life

where I don't think about her.

It feels like that now,
but it will get easier.

I don't want it to get easier!

Because then that means that
I've stopped remembering her.

And is that what we're rooting for here?

That... that I forget her?

That she just becomes
some distant memory?

Is that you want me to do when you die,

for me to forget you?

Because the bodies are
gonna keep on piling up,

and the longer that I live,

the more people that I know will die.

And do I even have enough space
in my memory for all of them?

And what does it even matter anyway?

Someday, no one will remember
that she even existed,

or that I did.

Everything falls apart... memories too.

And then you're left with nothing,

not even a fucking ghost.

Just think about it.

- Hello.
- Hey, Colonel.

Merry Christmas Eve, Pudge.

I hope you note that that
was dripping in irony.

Noted.

My ability to understand
sarcasm is still intact.

Good, otherwise, this
friendship is over.

And seeing as though you
are my last remaining friend,

I can't afford to lose you.

Listen, Colonel, um, I was
talking with my parents.

Walter Halter and
Judy. Send them my best.

Sure, I will.

But, uh, we were discussing
everything, and...

I'm not going back to Culver Creek.

I can't.

It's... it's gonna be spring soon,

and she's not gonna be there to see it.

And I just...

I... I don't wanna see a world

she will never get to see.

Okay, seasons are a thing.

There's no avoiding that.

So, uh, what you gonna do?

Well, my grades were good,

and my teachers at my
old school loved me.

How could they not?

So my parents say they'll
be happy to have me back.

Well, good. That's great.

Must be so nice to be able
to run away from your problems

and know everything's
gonna be all right.

I wish you a soft
landing, and good luck.

Sorry, we're closed for tonight.

What are you doing here?

Dr. Hyde!

You didn't want to go to church.

Looks like church did come to you.

Here we go.

No, Mom.

I don't want a cookie.

I can't believe you called him.

I can't believe he came.

We're honored to have
you here, Dr. Hyde.

I'ma leave you all alone,
but if you need anything,

you just holler.

- Thank you, Dolores.
- Thank you.

So...

So...

I understand you're
having a crisis of faith.

No crisis, no faith.

People need to believe
in something, Mr. Martin.

Yeah, well, people are fools.

So you're prepared to render
judgment on all of humanity?

Just fools.

Look, I appreciate you coming out here,

but it's not necessary.

I really don't need to
hear no inspirational

"it's all God's plan",
circle of life bullshit.

That's not why I'm here.

So you're not here to cheer me up?

I am not.

I'm here to be with you.

You're grieving, so let yourself grieve.

You don't have to fight it.

Well, maybe I feel like fighting.

Alaska's dead, Miles isn't coming back,

and I'm spending Christmas
Eve with my teacher.

So be with your anger.

Allow yourself to feel
what you're feeling.

The only hope of getting
to the other side of this

is to go through it,

and I'm here to go through it with you.

Yeah, well, you're gonna be
sitting here for a long time.

Well, that's all right.
I got no place to be.

It's all right.

It's all right.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay, son. It's okay.

I don't understand why
He has to take my friend.

I just miss my friend.

I know, son. I know.

Just let it out. That's good.

I miss her too.

"Great Perhaps".

I like it.

It's just ambiguous enough.

Unquantifiable, kind of magical.

Hell of a metaphor.

So.

Looks like I'm not
getting a single after all.

Sorry to let you down.

You can never let me
down, you skinny bastard.

We put a lot of thought into
how best to remember her,

and so I am proud to present

the Alaska Young memorial bench.

Alaska loved to read, and so maybe,

with spring upon us,

other students will sit on her bench,

reading and daring to dream.

A bench. They gave her a fucking bench?

She would have hated that shit.

Well, then get her something
she would have loved.

What, like shitty wine
and pretentious metaphors?

I don't know. How 'bout a prank?

Yes. That's great.

A memorial prank.

Alaska Young Memorial Prank.

She did have that one
idea she was working on.

She was saving it for our senior prank.

Never made it out of
the planning phases,

but it's really good.

Executed as designed,
it's more than just good.

It's epic.

But to pull it off, we
gonna need more than just us.

True, we're gonna need the whole school,

and we could get in so much trouble.

- I'm in.
- Me too.

- Down.
- Let's make history.

Hey, man, I can't give
you any more free stuff.

Management was not pleased.

I don't want a free Ding Dong, Gus.

- What you want?
- I want you.

Oh, hey.

Sara, I need you.

Please don't do this.

- What? No, not like that.
- What's going on?

Jesus, Longwell, put a damn shirt on.

Your alabaster skin is blinding me.

What's this about, Chip?

Something bigger than all of us.

Okay.

- Miles, what's wrong?
- Hey, uh...

remember when you stole the school bell

and buried it in the cemetery?

Greatest prank in Culver
Creek history, yeah.

Well, how would you like to be a part

of the new greatest prank ever?

Go on.

Mr. Starnes, Miles and I are here

as representatives of the junior class

to let you know that we've selected
our speaker for Speaker Day.

Well, wonderful.

It's always such an enriching day.

Please, who is it?

It's a close friend of Miles' dad.

Dr. William Morse.

He's a professor at a
university in Florida.

He studies adolescent sexuality.

Mm.

Aiming for controversy, are we?

Oh, no.

I... I mean, I've met Dr. Morse.

He's interesting, but not controversial.

He just, uh, studies the
adolescents' understanding

of sex and how it's constantly
changing and growing.

He's opposed to premarital sex.

- Ah.
- Oh.

Well, Lee, this sounds
très intéressant.

When it comes to teenage sexuality,

the most important organ is their mind.

Let me give him a call.

Dr. Morse speaking.

Welcome, everyone.

This is a day of historic
significance at Culver Creek.

It was the vision of our
founder, Phillip Garden,

who thought that you, as students,

and we, as faculty, should
take one afternoon a year

to benefit from the wisdom of
voices outside of the school.

Now, this year, we have
two distinguished guests.

The senior class has chosen

Alabama Assistant Attorney
General Tim Harris.

Welcome, Tim.

And the junior class
has selected a speaker

equally as compelling,

just not quite as
punctual, it would appear.

Ah, there he is.

The junior class speaker.

Dr. William Morse is a
professor of psychology

at the University of Central Florida

and a widely respected scholar.

- They talking about you.
- Okay, smile.

- This... this itches, this...
- ... very interesting.

So please help me
welcome Dr. William Morse.

Doctor.

Welcome. Thank you for being here.

Thank you.

Did we confirm he can read?

Good afternoon.

I'm here today to talk with you

about the fascinating subject

of teenage sexuality.

Uh, my research was in the
field of sexual linguistics,

specifically the way that
young people discuss sex

and its related questions.

In today's world,

boys are much more likely
to objectify girls' bodies

than the other way around.

Boys will say amongst themselves

that so-and-so has "perky breasts",

while girls will more likely say

that a boy is cute,
a term that describes

both emotional and
physical characteristics.

See, this has an effect of
turning girls into mere objects,

while boys are seen by
girls as whole people...

Hey, Doc!

You're so hot, I wish
you would just shut up

and take off all your clothes.

Why, thank you.

See, what just happened is a
very interesting case study,

a female objectifying me, a male.

It's so unusual, I can only
assume you were kidding.

She's not kidding!

Take off all your clothes!

- Do it, hot stuff!
- Yeah, baby!

Well, it certainly is
important to subvert

the patriarchal paradigm,

and I suppose this is one way to do so.

All right, then.

This is for Alaska Young!

♪ My milkshake brings ♪

♪ All the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like,
"It's better than yours" ♪

♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪

♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like,
"It's better than yours" ♪

♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪

♪ I know you want it ♪

♪ The thing that makes me ♪

♪ What the guys go crazy for ♪

♪ They lose their minds ♪

♪ The way I wind ♪

♪ I think it's time ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Warm it up ♪

This is for Alaska Young!

Yeah, Pudge!

This is for Alaska Young!

This is for Alaska Young!

This is for Alaska Young!

This is for Alaska!

This is for Alaska!

This is for Alaska!

Oh, my God.

♪ I can see you're on it ♪

♪ You want me to teach thee ♪

♪ Techniques that freaks these boys ♪

♪ It can't be bought ♪

♪ Just know thieves get caught ♪

♪ Watch if you're smart ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
- Okay.

♪ Warm it up ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ The boys are waiting ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

All right, all right. That's enough.

That's enough, Dr. Morse.

Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

That's enough, Dr. Morse.

You need to leave this
campus immediately.

Please stop.

I did not approve of
anything of this nature.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

That's enough. That's enough.

Okay. Okay.

That was... well, that was unexpected.

Uh, okay. All right.

So it's not... it's not funny.

So, up next, we have,
uh, the seniors' speaker,

uh, Alabama Assistant Attorney
General Tim Harris. Please.

Mr. Martin, Mr. Halter.

You boys have some nerve.

Before you get too mad,

it can only be proven
that we brought a person

onto the campus that we presumed to be

an expert on sexual expression,

but turned out to be someone
that expresses sexuality expertly.

What he said.

I'm not mad.

You're not?

No, I mean, don't ever do
anything like that again.

But my goodness,

"subverting the patriarchal paradigm"?

It's like she wrote that speech herself.

Though I am unfamiliar with the sound,

I do believe we just
heard the Eagle laugh.

- Miracles do happen.
- Greatest prank ever.

Oh.

I gotta hand it to him.

Gus has some moves.

I came here looking for a Great Perhaps,

for real friends, and
a more than minor life.

What you up to?

Um, finally writing the essay for Hyde.

She said I might be a writer,

so...

I want the first thing
I write to be about her.

Sorry to interrupt,

but there's still one
last thing we need to do.

Until I got here,

my only friends were the last words

of the already dead.

Like William McKinley,

the third American
president to be assassinated.

He lived for several
days after he was shot.

But towards the end,

his wife started crying and screaming,

"I want to go too".

With his last measure of strength,

McKinley turned to his wife
and spoke his last words,

"We are all going".

And then Alaska had to go,

because I screwed up and
the Colonel screwed up

and we let her go

and she slipped through our fingers.

We will always live with things done

and things left undone that day.

If only we could see

the endless string of consequences

that result from our smallest actions.

But we can't know better

until knowing better is useless.

I thought at first
that she was just dead,

just darkness.

Just a body being eaten by bugs.

I still sometimes
think that the afterlife

is just something we made
up to ease the pain of loss,

to make our time in
the labyrinth bearable.

But here's what gives me hope.

If you take Alaska's genetic code

and you add her life experiences

and the relationships
she had with people,

and then you take the
size and shape of her body,

you do not get her.

There is something else entirely.

There's a part of her
greater than the sum

of her knowable parts.

And that part has to go somewhere,

because energy once
created is never destroyed.

And if Alaska took her own life,

that is the hope I wish
I could have given her,

to understand that anything
in life is survivable,

because we are as indestructible

as we believe ourselves to be.

So I know she forgives
me just as I forgive her.

We cannot be born, and we cannot die.

We can only change shapes and sizes

and manifestations.

I know so many last words,
but I'll never know hers.

I'll never know her thoughts
in those last minutes.

We'll never know if
she left us on purpose.

But the not knowing will
not keep me from caring.

We must look so fucking lame.

Alaska's last words to me
were: "To be continued".

And she was right.

I must continue

I choose the labyrinth,

even if there is no way out,

even if we're all going,

even if everything falls apart.

- Hi.
- Morning.

Okay.

All right. Good.

I will always love Alaska Young,

my crooked neighbor,
with all my crooked heart.

Thomas Edison's last words were,

"It's very beautiful over there".

I don't know where "there" is...

But I believe it's somewhere.

And I hope it's beautiful.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -