All language subtitles for Life Partners 2014

Watch where you're going, bitch!

- What?
- Thanks for cutting me off!

You almost took my
side view mirror off, slut!

You're lucky I have to be somewhere,
or I'd fuck your ass up right now.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

Did you call me a slut back there?

Yeah. I don't even know
where that came from.

- You ready to get proud?
- Oh, dude. Dude.

I'm here. I'm queer.

Better get used to it.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't touch you
so people won't think we're together.

Oh, yeah. Get off me.
Stop cock-blocking me.

- Vagina-blocking?
- No. Still cock-blocking.

- Doesn't make sense. There's two vaginas.
- I don't know. Nobody ever changed it.

Thank you for coming
to Pride with me today.

Thank you for letting me sleep over.
I was way too tired to drive home.

As usual. Wait. Hey. Get... Get up.

- What?
- Wrong pillow.

You like this one, stupid. Orthopedic.
Curvy. Fits your head.

Oh, you're right.

No.

No.

Wait. No, what about that girl?
She's really cute,

and she lives two miles away.
You could... You could walk over there.

And then if you don't like her,
you could just walk home.

- All right. Maybe later.
- Why not now?

Because it's 2:00 a.m.
That's a really bad first impression.

She'll probably imagine me, like,
laying in bed flicking it.

Flicking. Yes. Yes.

Are you feeling yourself up?

I have this weird dent in my left boob.

Is that a thing? Like a reverse tumor?

What? Let me see.

No. I don't see anything.

- I see it.
- Oh, God!

This is why I don't have a boyfriend.
'Cause I spend all my time having sleepovers

and staring at my lesbian
best friend's boobs.

You don't have a boyfriend
because you're way too picky.

I just wanna meet a guy that I like as
much as you. Is that too much to ask for?

Yes. Yes, it is.
I hate everyone but you.

We're screwed.

Hey, I'm Shawneen,
and I'm from Omaha, Nebraska.

I've never really
considered myself pretty.

Yeah, right, Shawneen. I don't buy for
a second you don't think you're pretty.

You're on a show called
America's Next Top Model.

- You obviously think you're pretty.
- She reminds me of Amanda from Cycle 3.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Her eyes, they're so weird.

- Oh, Sasha.
- What?

Amanda's eyes look like that
because she was legally blind,

and I heard after the show
she went full-on blind.

Whoops.

- Do you want this?
- No. No. I'm starting a new case tomorrow.

It's my first one without the partners.
I gotta be firing on all cylinders.

Well, lucky me. I don't have to fire on any
cylinders to answer the phone all day.

- I can crash here, right?
- Yeah, sure.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Give me.
- Guys, quick question.

Is Vanessa looking over here?

- Sasha, is she talking to someone?
- I don't know. Jenn, look for yourself.

Jen, is she? Is she?

- Yeah. She seems pretty into some girl.
- God.

Well, you know what? That's funny.

'Cause I hope some girl knows
that Vanessa isn't in the mind space

to be monogamous right now, so...

Jenn, you have to get over this
Vanessa thing. It's been like six months.

I'm over it completely.
I just think it's funny that she said that,

and then she started dating someone
monogamously like a week later.

It's just, like, insanely funny to me.
Is it not to you? Like, what?

Jen.

Oh, my God,
why is every lesbian named Jen?

I know. It's annoying.
That's why I spell mine with two N's.

I'm Jen 1.0.

Why do you say that like that's
a good thing? 2.0 is better than 1.0.

Maybe to you.
Could you not sit so close to me?

I don't want anyone to
think that we're together.

Oh, my God. Okay, but there's no one
here that we don't already know anyway.

- I'm telling you, there is no one left.
- Well, there are at least two people left

because Paige and I both have
dates tomorrow night. Thank you.

Really? Oh, that's... that's...
that's great. That's awesome.

Yeah, we got drunk and agreed to go
on Internet dates on the same night.

- And she is going out with a doctor.
- Yeah.

What? What...
What is wrong with this one?

He just says douchey things in his e-mails,
quotes a lot of movies...

and says things like,
"You betcha" and "Gotcha."

And in a couple of his photos,
he's wearing, like,

T-shirts with messages on them
and slogans. I think it's like his style.

- Sorry.
- It's fine.

- I like the shirt, so...
- It's great.

- That one says a positive message.
- It's true.

What about you, Sasha? Do we know her?
Who's your date with?

Well, you might. Have you ever seen
the show To Catch a Predator?

- I love that show.
- Well, she was on it.

My date was on To Catch a Predator. She works
for the agency that catches the predator.

She... She goes online and flirts with
old dudes, pretending to be a 14-year-old.

- Oh, my God.
- Please marry her. She's a celebrity.

Yeah. Yeah. I might.

Oh, God, it's so funny.

I just always had this feeling that
everyone was gonna couple up before me.

I mean, it's fine. I just think
it's funny that I called it.

Hey, what's up? I'm Trace.

- Sasha.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.
- What's up?

- Not much. How are you?
- Oh. I'm sorry I'm late.

Man, I had an intense day at work.

- What was intense about it?
- I went on a sting today.

Took down a board on a 4chan.

Oh. I... What is 4chan?

Oh. 4... Yeah, 4chan's an...
anonymous message board.

Used to be an image hosting site.
Now it's a hotbed for pedophilia.

Crazy. Disturbing.

Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?
- I'm sorry.

It's so fucking annoying 'cause, like,
I'm here, and I just want to drink,

and this guy is staring at me.
I think he recognizes me from TV.

Oh, my God.

Buddy, you got a pen?
You want an autograph?

No? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Weird.

You are so beautiful.
God, you're beautiful. Wow.

Who tells you you're beautiful...
other than me?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...
It's really quiet in here.

All I can hear are mouth sounds.
I'm gonna put on some music.

- Are you a control freak?
- What? No.

No? Well, I just thought there's this
and then you have, like, four recycling bins.

Well, I am an environmental lawyer
and clearly a better person than you.

Well, I don't know about that.
I'm the best there is.

I wake up in the morning.
I piss excellence.

What?

Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights.

Oh. I haven't seen that.

Well, as long as you've seen Lebowski.

Well, I've seen the first half of it.

What?

Are you saying you watched the first half
of The Big Lebowski, then you shut it off?

I... I feel like you're treating me as though
I just told you that I'm a sex offender.

Wow. That... I mean, this is
much worse, I have to tell you.

My goodness.

- Are you married?
- What?

- "Husband" is calling you.
- Oh. No.

That's my best friend Sasha.
We just have this stupid joke.

Okay, I'll prove it to you.

Hi, Sasha.

Okay, you're answering the phone, which means
you had just as shitty of a date as I did.

Or you just got really wasted and fucked him
like an hour into it and he's already gone.

Remember that?
What was that guy's name, Cory...

I'll call you back.

- Cory?
- That...

- It only took Cory an hour?
- I...

I don't usually do things like that...

- What were his moves?
- It was...

- You know what? I'm over it.
- Okay.

It's fine.

We all have our Corys.

There you are. How was your date?

- You first.
- Where do I start?

Well, she is a baritone.

She has a tattoo of the
female symbol on her wrist,

and her license plate says
"BABY BOI," with an "I."

- Are you peeing?
- Yeah.

I love how you call me
right before you pee...

instead of just waiting
the 10 seconds till you're done.

Hold on one second.

You're on speaker now.
I'm brushing my teeth.

I think that my favorite part of the date
was when she put up two fingers...

and said... "Sit on it."

What? Why?

I don't know.
I think she thought she was flirting.

So, how was your date with "Gotcha"?
Was he wearing a message tee?

He was.

And he quotes movies a lot.
I didn't even get most of the references.

Like, "I wake up in the morning
and piss excellence."

Talladega Nights.

Well, I guess we're gonna
end up dying alone like planned.

Actually, he asked me out again,
and I said yes.

I don't know.
I kind of had fun with him.

Cool. When are you guys going out again?

Tomorrow.

Which one of us is the lesbian?

Fuck.

Hey. I didn't see you in there.

You didn't see my car either?

Well, it was blocking my driveway, so...

I wouldn't say it's blocking your driveway.
It's got a pretty wide berth here.

Yeah, but you're over the line.

- Over the line?
- Yeah.

This... The line.

Yeah, well, even if I were
over the line,

I don't think that means you
can just run into my car.

I'm gonna be late for work, so can we just
deal with this later since we're neighbors?

I should report this
to my insurance today.

I mean, it's a brand-new car. My wife
would kill me. You're insured, right?

- Of course I'm insured.
- Okay.

I really don't see how this is my fault.

Yeah. Well, you know, we can just let
the insurance companies deal with all that.

Okay.

There you go. Thank you.

- Drive safe.
- I always do.

You... You got it.

Grossman Properties. Please hold.

- Busy day?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Finished everything I had to do,
so I thought I'd catch up on the news.

Will you make sure this goes out today?

Yeah. Of course.

And maybe you can work on separating the
mail since you're not doing anything else.

Oh, I already did it.
Took like 10 minutes.

Okay, well, in general,
whenever you have downtime,

which I don't remember having
when I had your job. But since you do,

it might be a good idea for you to read
something related to the company.

We just started construction
on five projects this week.

Are you familiar with all of them?

Not yet. But that's great advice.
Thank you, Valerie.

- Great. Okay.
- Bye.

- It didn't...
- I'm sorry. That didn't buzz you in?

- No.
- Okay. Try again.

- Did you get it?
- No. It's still...

One more time.

I just...

It's been acting up all morning.
I'm sorry. Got it?

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Okay. Bye.

Hey!

Open up. I gotta poop in your toilet.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God.

Sasha, I'm Tim.

- Hi. Oh, God. Yeah.
- Hi.

How are you? I'm sorry. Did Paige not
tell you that I was crashing your TV night?

- No. It's okay.
- Come on in.

I'm sorry that I was so gross
about the bathroom thing before.

I just didn't know
anyone else was here, and I...

- Hey, everybody poops.
- Yeah.

Oh, good. You two met.
I'll go get the wine.

- Okay. I'll go help her.
- Nice to meet you.

Dude. Why didn't you tell me
Tim was gonna be here?

I didn't know until like an hour ago.

He called me on his way home from work,
and I thought it'd be real fun.

Well, I wish you would have warned me
because then I wouldn't have...

worn pajama pants
with a hole in the dick.

You're wearing makeup
and real clothes. You look pretty.

The guy is wearing a braided belt.
He's not judging.

And he knows we're watching
Top Model, right?

Yeah. He's never seen it before.
How fun is this gonna be?

My mom was my rock,

and she... you know, gave me strength.

- Wait, now, didn't her mom abandon her?
- Yes, but it's complicated.

...I know that...

Okay, now, what does a tea ceremony
have to do with modeling?

Just watch it,
and I'll explain it to you later.

Okay. I'm gonna remember this
when I'm making you watch Lebowski.

- You've never seen Big Lebowski?
- Thank you.

- I've seen the first half of it.
- The first half?

It's actually pretty funny.

- "Do you see what happens, Larry?"
- What?

"Do you see what happens
when you fuck a stranger in the ass?"

- Oh, right. That's from the movie.
- Okay.

- Now, those two are sisters, right?
- Which two?

That one and the... Wait.
They're not showing her.

Okay, wait. That one
and then that one right there.

Actually, they hate each other
'cause they're both Latinas,

and they know that one Latina's
gonna get eliminated soon.

I see. Well, they're both hot.
Right, Sasha? That is your type.

Sí. Muy caliente.

I told Tim that you went out
with that Cuban girl recently.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't... I don't even
remember how it came up.

Yeah, we were talking about people
who were living at home with their parents.

- Oh, yeah. And I may have told Tim...
- Yeah.

...that you went out with, like,
three girls recently that live at home.

Wow. You told Tim a lot about me.

I'm sorry. Was that a secret?

It's fine. Totally.

- Sasha.
- Yeah?

I just wanna make sure that
you can drive home safely.

Oh. I'm sorry. Is Tim staying over?

Honestly, I don't... I mean,
whatever you wanna do.

- I don't... I'm... I don't wanna...
- I don't have to work that early.

Oh. Yeah. I... I don't
wanna assume anything.

Hey. I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to use the copier at work.

I don't think you've ever
stayed late at work.

I didn't do it for the company.
I did it for the copier.

I'm making a little something for Paige.
She won her first big case at work today.

- Oh, yea! Good for her!
- That's awesome.

Some factory was dumping sludge
near a school, and she had it shut down.

- Oh, fuck that factory.
- God, Paige makes me feel like such a bad person.

I know. Isn't she so like
annoying Erin Brockovich?

"These are my boobs, Ed."

- That's not the quote.
- Yes, it is. I'm pretty sure it is.

- I'm pretty sure it's not the quote.
- It is so.

Well, anyway, I found a life-size
cardboard Julia Roberts on eBay,

and I'm gonna glue Paige's face on it and
throw her a little surprise party tomorrow.

- Are you guys free?
- Totally.

Actually, I was supposed
to have a date with this girl

who's been writing me online like
every single day, but then she...

she just told me she got back together with
her ex-girlfriend, so that's awesome.

It's like... Yes, I'm free. I'm free.

Great. Okay. So, 8:00 at my place?

Hey, Sasha. That chick with the
purple dick is totally checking you out.

You should go sword fight her.

I think I need like five more
drinks before I do that.

Jen, I think we have a drink. Do we not?

- Here you go.
- Here we go. Kick it down. Drink it.

I just found that, by the way.

- She didn't, I swear.
- Now, go sword fight.

- Will you please stop saying "sword fight"?
- Only when you sword fight her.

- Sword fight! Sword fight! Sword fight!
- All right.

If either of you put this on YouTube,
you're dead to me.

- I accept this duel.
- Yeah!

Oh, shit. It's 1:00.

I gotta go walk my dog.

I know that I was drunk last night,
but I don't remember seeing a dog.

No. He lives with my ex.
She and I just share custody.

- Do I hear someone in your house?
- Oh. Yeah. My mom just got home.

- Hi, Mama!
- Hi, sweetheart!

Oh, I thought this was your house.

I wish. I'm still in school.

Please tell me that you are not early,
because I'm so not ready yet.

Actually... Don't kill me,
but can we reschedule Top Model night?

Tim just surprised me.
He wants to take me out to dinner

to celebrate me winning the case.
He even sent a car to pick me up.

I know. I'm sure he saw it in a movie,
but I don't even care. How sweet is he?

Yeah, that's really cute.

I know. But I feel so bad
for bailing on you.

No. Oh, my God. No, don't.
That... Don't be silly.

That... That's what DVR is for.

- Okay, thank you so much. I love you.
- I love you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Sorry. How creepy was that that I sent
a car for you and I wasn't in it?

I just... I had to work late. Wanted you to
be able to celebrate and not have to drive.

- I can't believe you did that.
- Oh. Well, thank you.

- The place looks amazing.
- Oh, yeah. It's cool, right?

I guess they do this
whole local organic thing.

- Yeah. Yeah, I'll put our names in.
- Okay. Good.

- We have a reservation, but...
- What?

Why are you freaking out?

Usually with guys
I have to do everything.

I have to pick the restaurant,
make the reservation,

pick everybody up, order the wine.

I wonder why those relationships
didn't last. Geez.

Your table's ready.

Okay, thanks. Come on.

Is this too Ellen Page?

No. But it is the boys' section.

I wish Tim would wear stuff like this.
It would look so cute on him.

Guess he just likes message tees.

Did I tell you about his shirt that says
"Pizza Slut" in the Pizza Hut logo?

Did you see this? This is so you.

Oh, it's cute, but can you really
wear a jumper after 30?

What are you talking about?
We're not even 29.

Yeah, but we're both about to be.

I don't think there's a cutoff
for jumpers, dude.

Okay, I just think
there is for some clothes.

You know when you see an older woman
and she's wearing striped knee socks

and carrying a backpack
and still dyeing her hair red?

She just seems, like, sad,
like she's a sad person.

Yeah, well, I still don't think
there's a cutoff for jumpers.

Picture a 55-year-old wearing a jumper.

Okay. I'll give you that. That is sad.

My cutoff is 54.

- I mean...
- Where's the money, Lebowski?

- So good.
- I want that money, Lebowski.

You don't have to pause it.

No, no, no. I don't
want you to miss anything.

Okay.

- Missed it.
- Sasha is with this girl.

Okay. That's... That's...

She's going back to her house.

- It's so funny.
- It's so good.

- This chick is really cute.
- How do you know?

She send a picture. You wanna see it?

You guys do that a lot.

Is it annoying?

No, but this is my favorite movie,

and I did watch the movie about the
blind girl riding horses... for you.

Wild Hearts Can't be
Broken is a classic.

Yeah.

Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna turn it off, okay?

No, no, no, no.
You don't have to turn it off.

No, no, no, no. No. No. No.
I'm turning it off. I turned it off.

- In the drawer.
- Fine.

- What do you think about that?
- Fine. Still not off, but fine.

- I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.
- It's in the drawer.

I mean, just because my car technically hit
his car does not mean that it's my fault.

No. He was blocking your driveway.
That's your house.

Yeah, what am I supposed to do,
not leave my home?

Ridiculous.
I... I think you should appeal it.

You're right. I should. It's like
a matter of principle at this point.

Absolutely. Do not pay that asshole.

You're right. I won't. Fuck that guy.

Fuck him. I'll have the
chicken salad on the croissant.

Hi. I'll have the ham and Gruyère on rye,
please. Thank you.

Oh, yum. That looks good.

How are things with Tim?
How's that going?

Really good. Couple of
months in, no obvious flaws.

I mean, there's one, but it's dumb.

- What is that?
- Well, he's not the sharpest dresser.

I mean, he's not terrible. He's just a
little clueless. Like, he still wears Tevas.

Oh, my God. Let's stop by Nordstrom's
after this. They have a great shoe department.

Mom, it's just "Nordstrom,"
not "Nordstrom's."

And don't you think it's, like,
a little weird to be buying him clothes

this early into a relationship?

No. It's never too early to start
giving men fashion advice. They need it.

- We'll go to Nordstrom's.
- "Strom."

"Strom."

We'll buy him something nice.
And when he wears it,

you have to be sure to
incentivize him to keep wearing it.

- Oh, my God. That's disgusting.
- Well, I'm just saying.

It's how I got your father to stop
wearing those Disney sweatshirts.

- Are you paying together or separate?
- Separate.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Mom.
I can't believe I owe so much money.

I must have checked the wrong
box or something on the W-2.

Those forms are so confusing.

Don't worry about it, honey.
Dad and I will take care of it online.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Oh, my God, I feel so bad. You guys already
help me out so much with rent and...

Honey, you know,
it's an investment, right?

It's all gonna pay off
when you get that big record deal.

I'll never forget when you won
that prize at graduation.

Your professor told me your daughter's
gonna be the next Patti Smith.

- How's the album coming along?
- It's good.

Yeah, I was gonna work on it tonight.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I can't wait for the day I'm in a Starbucks
and see your face on one of those CDs.

I'll get to tell the clerk, "That's my
daughter, and I'll take a chai latte."

Or maybe you don't want Starbucks to sell
your stuff. Is that too corporate? Right?

No, no, no. No.
Gr... That's... Starbucks is great.

Oh, my God.

You need to do that more. I'm serious.

I don't know what got into me.
You just looked so hot in that shirt

that it brought out my wild side.

Note to self, buy more plaid.

What are you gonna do
this weekend without me?

I'm gonna cry.

- Then I'm gonna visit my dad.
- Oh. That's sweet. I wanna meet him.

You will meet him. I'm gonna
throw him a party for his 80th.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.

My dad's fucking old. It's funny.

He was a, dirty old man
who slept with his secretary.

My mom's a slutty secretary who slept
with her boss. It's totally funny.

It must be hard taking care of your dad.

I don't know. I mean, we all end up taking
care of our parents at some point, right?

I just got a head start.

I feel like my mom is trying to
train me to start taking care of her.

She used to pay every time we went out
to eat, and then she just stopped.

It's not like I can't afford a $10 sandwich.
But it just feels like she's saying...

- "I'm done with this mom shit"?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- It's sad.

I feel like no one's
taking care of me anymore.

Other people can take care of you.

- Oh, it's Sasha.
- No.

- I don't wanna go.
- No.

Okay, I have to go.
She's gonna be so mad at me.

No.

Okay. Do I look like I just had sex?

All right.

I will call you when I get
to the hotel. I love you.

I mean...

I knew it. I knew you loved me.

- I didn't mean for it to come out like that.
- I knew you loved me.

- So you didn't mean it?
- No.

- So you love me?
- I...

So you don't love me? You love me.

- You love me.
- I meant...

- You love me.
- I... You love me.

I don't know. Give me a kiss.
Let me see.

- I love you.
- No.

- I do. Yeah.
- All right.

What time is it?
I feel like the pool closes at 10:00.

Oh, my God.
I don't think anyone's enforcing that.

This place doesn't even have a staff.

God, I could have taken you
to a nicer place for your birthday.

What? Are you crazy? This is perfect.
I love how it's right off the freeway.

No, I'm serious. Every time I drive by
this place, I wonder who the fuck stays here.

Well, now we know. Truckers and us.

I can't believe this is my last birthday
in my 20s. We were just 25.

I know. It's crazy.

I'm a 29-year-old receptionist.

But you're not a real receptionist.
You're a musician.

I know. But...

being a receptionist is the only thing that
anyone's paying me to do right now. Like...

I don't know. If I died tomorrow,
my obituary would say,

"Sasha Weiss, 29, a receptionist,
was killed today."

- Why would you be killed?
- Because... I don't know. I'm 29.

Something really fucking sudden
must have happened.

God, I've been feeling old lately too.

I feel like there are
certain things I can't do anymore,

- like sit on the floor at airports.
- I still do that.

Oh, I still do it. I just feel like
everybody's looking at me, like,

"That woman is too old
to be sitting on the floor."

Yeah. Growing up sucks.

- No, it doesn't.
- What? Don't you wish you were 21?

God, no. I was so insecure.

But...

when you're 21, it's...

just easier.

Right?

It's okay to be a receptionist and eat
like shit and just date people for fun...

and sit on the floor.

And remember, you and I
used to hang out all the time.

And we'd make stupid videos
that no one thought was funny but us.

Sasha.

- Sasha, what's wrong?
- Nothing.

- Ignore me. Don't.
- No. Please, tell me.

Nothing. I just...

I miss that sometimes.

But what's changed? I'm still here.

I'm not going anywhere.

We're still the only ones
who think we're funny.

- Shut up.
- Come here.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Oh, my God! You're a genius!

Yes. Fitz stickers.

- I knew you'd love it, you fucking loser.
- We're playing right now.

Duh. Do you know how long I've been
looking forward to this trip?

Oh, really?

Yes. Do you think Tim
would play Girl Talk with me?

He can't even be in the room
when I watch Real Housewives.

I know. I have to binge on
this shit when I'm with you.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I forgot.
I brought pink wine.

- No!
- I did.

Oh, my God. Do we have a wine opener?

No, darling. It's a twist-off.

Oh, my God. Girl Talk. Drunk Girl Talk.

Drunk Talk.

- Girl Drunk.
- It's so bad.

Tim's calling you.

How dare you call me during
Sasha's birthday. Ignore you.

"Go find a clue to your
future career choice."

"On the sixth page of the Yellow Pages."

What?

A pipe burst at Tim's dad's retirement home.
He has to take him to a hotel.

- I really feel like I should call him.
- Yeah. Call him.

It's okay. Go. Go. Call him.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

Down day for investors on Wall Street.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average
fell one and a half percent.

Hey!

I was gonna take that spot.

I didn't see the name
"Bitch" written on it.

- Get out of there!
- No!

Seriously.

Okay, so you know that girl
I told you about? I met her last week.

And she's the one whose roommate might
or might not be her ex. Who knows?

Okay, well, I texted her as soon as
I met her and then never heard back.

And then I just got a text just now saying,
"See you tonight at 8:00."

Is she texting the wrong person,
or am I supposed to be at some event at 8:00?

I don't know. Ask her.

Well, no, I can't ask her. Because
what if she texted the wrong person?

And then I'm just asking
if she's inviting me out,

and then she's gonna
have to re-blow me off.

Then don't text her.

No, but if she did mean to text me

and if she was just, you know,
playing it cool this whole week

and then she's expecting to see me
and then I don't show up,

- then I'm blowing her off.
- I don't know, Sasha.

I'm sorry. Too mature for this now
that you have a boyfriend

and you spend the whole weekend
roasting a chicken together?

How do you know that?

You posted it on Instagram.
I'm just giving you shit.

- Let me see that text.
- No.

- No, no, show it to me. I wanna know.
- It's fine. No.

Well, maybe if I see it,
I can figure out what she meant.

It's fine. It's totally fine.

All right.

I mean...

What? That's how it's supposed to look.

Okay.

What are you thinking about?

- Nothing.
- What is it?

All right, I gotta talk to you
about something.

Don't freak out. But...

I found something on my back
the other day.

- What, like a mole?
- Yeah.

But... But you're a dermatologist.

I... Yeah, well, dermatologists
can also get skin cancer.

- You have cancer?
- No, no, no. I don't know that.

I don't know that. I'm waiting
on some results. I just want...

Show me.

I don't... It's gross. I don't want...

Tim. I don't care. Whatever.
Tim, show me the mole.

- Come on. Show it to me. Tim.
- I don't wanna show you.

All right. It's near the top.

Should I be worried?

Yes.

I mean no.

I mean...

Yes, I'll marry you.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, my God. How could you do that to me?
You fucking asshole.

I wanted us to have a good story.
Don't you want a good story?

- Fuck you. Who wrote that on your back?
- Dr. Schaffer.

- With his little lady hands?
- Those are the ones.

Oh, my God. Tim.

Now that you've said yes...

Let me tell you, you did such
a shitty job with that tent.

Hey!

You wanna hear something fucked-up?

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

They did peer reviews at my work today.
Everyone hates me. Listen to this.

- "Sasha is bright and skilled"...
- That sounds like a compliment.

"But this ability does not seem to be focused
on her work here at Grossman Properties."

I bet you anything Valerie wrote that.

That bitch is always walking by my desk
asking if I'm "having a busy day"

when it's obvious she doesn't think
that I look busy, 'cause I'm not.

Okay, don't focus on
who wrote what. Just...

Are you crazy? I have to know who
wrote what. Like, who the fuck wrote this?

"Sasha can come across as irritated when
asked to do something." Who are you?

Can I get a vodka soda with
a splash of cranberry, please?

You need to remember
that this is just your day job.

I know that it sucks and it's boring,
but this is what you wanted.

You wanted something easy and mindless
that you didn't have to think about

so you could focus
on your music every night.

Yeah. No.

I know you're right.

How was your camping trip?

It... it was really good.
It was... great, actually.

Tim and I got engaged.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah.

Paige! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I know. Can you believe it?

- Well, cheers.
- Wedding.

- Yeah! Oh, my God!
- I know. It's so crazy, right?

- I'm gonna be your best man.
- You...

So, you come here often?

Yeah. Me and the mozzarella sticks
have a little thing going on.

Well, I hate to break it to you,
but they're kind of seeing somebody else.

- I feel so betrayed.
- We didn't want you to find out like this.

One time I had two orders of these.
In one night.

No, I had one in the parking lot
and then I drove through again.

I'd be too embarrassed.

Yeah, I couldn't really bring myself to
make eye contact with the girl at the window.

- What band is this?
- Oh, this is my friend Kaya's band.

They're amazing.

- I'll bring you a copy.
- Okay.

I'm actually playing
the drums on the CD.

Oh, no way. Wow.
I didn't know you played.

I am a musician too.

Well, I'm not really a musician.

I'm mostly a writer,
and I've been drawing a lot lately.

I'm actually working on a graphic novel.

So are you, like, in a band?

No, not right now. I'm just...

working on writing some
songs of my own first.

I hate it when bands go
on tour with, like, three songs.

Well, it is nice to meet
a fellow artist.

Yeah. I know. You too.

I had no idea.
Jenn never mentioned anything.

Well, Jenn doesn't know
everything about me.

We didn't really date for that long.

Hey, Sasha.

- You bitch. That hurt.
- Better be careful.

It's your turn.
We're paying by the hour.

Hey.

That's a really interesting tattoo
that you have. What does it mean?

I don't really like to talk about it.

Oh. I just figured,
since it was on your neck...

So, how long have you and Sasha
been seeing each other?

Well, technically three weeks,
but don't tell anyone that.

We don't want anyone to know yet.

- Why?
- Just dumb lesbian drama.

Jenn two N's dated Vanessa.

- For, like, a second.
- Yeah, but she would freak out anyway.

But we have a plan.
I just deleted Sasha on Facebook.

Yeah, we're gonna pretend like we
don't really know each other right now.

And then right when
we're ready to tell people,

we're gonna add each other back and
comment on each other's pages like,

- oh, we just ran into each other.
- I gotcha.

There are some nice houses
around here though.

Yeah, but I don't know.
Do you think the neighborhood's too sketchy?

You think this neighborhood is sketchy?

Well... I mean, yeah. There's, like,
three metal detectors in this bowling alley.

That's just the future.

Well, yeah, probably.

Yeah. The schools aren't
very good around here either.

Oh, "the schools."

Just thinking ahead.

Well, whatever you decide,
don't send your kids to private school,

unless you want them to grow up
with a silver spoon up their ass.

Well, what if you live in a really
dangerous neighborhood?

I don't care.
I'd still rather send my kids

to a public school in the ghetto
than a private school.

All kids that go to private school
turn into conservative douche bags.

Tim went to private school.

I did.

We gotta go. My dad's locking the gate.

She just had to move back home for a few
months before art school. It's temporary.

Bye.

What the fuck is wrong with that girl?
I'm sorry. I know you like everyone,

and you think that I'm really judgy,
but can you please...

- I hated Vanessa.
- Thank you.

I'm so sick of Sasha
wasting her time with these idiots.

- When is she gonna date an actual adult?
- Is everyone she dates that immature?

- Vanessa's on the mature side.
- Gotcha.

Can you not say "gotcha"? I'm sorry. It's a pet
peeve of mine. You kind of say it a lot.

Okay. Sure. Sorry.

What am I gonna say when she
asks me what I thought of her?

Just tell her you thought she was
a fucking bitch. And, you know...

What am I gonna say?
"I really liked her neck tattoo."

No. You know, don't say anything.
I don't know why you have to get involved.

Just say you're glad she's happy,
wait for it to burn out.

- Which it most definitely will.
- It has to, right?

- Yes. It will. So stay out of it.
- Yeah, I will.

Oh, God, I just want to
sit Sasha down and be like,

"The truth hurts, but as your best friend,
get your life together!

You know, you have to stop going out
all night and dating girls like this

and figure out what you
want to do with your life,

because you're gonna wake up one day,
and you're gonna be 35,

and you're gonna have no relationship,
you're gonna have no savings,

all of your friends are gonna be married
with kids and be miles ahead of you,

and it's gonna feel like shit,
and I'm sorry, but that's the reality."

Yeah. That's not staying out of it.

Well, obviously I'm not gonna
say any of that to her.

You two are a really cute couple.
Vanessa seems, like,

really confident and, like,
very sure of herself.

Yeah, I like her a lot.

That's great. I'm so happy for you.

So, do you think it's gonna be serious?

Could you, like,
see yourself ending up with Vanessa?

I don't know. I mean,
it's going really well. Yeah. So...

I mean, I know you don't know her,
but she's really cool.

Oh, I'm sure she is.

But, you know, you guys might be, like,
just too different to really get each other.

What does that mean?

I don't know. Sometimes just
really super creative types

don't really mesh that well with people
who are more, you know, traditional.

I'm traditional?

No. No, no, no, no, no.
You're just more, you know, organized.

Vanessa is like a total free spirit.

You know? Sometimes I'll wake up
in the middle of the night,

and she's up writing down a dream she
just had. And I've read a few of them.

Oh, my God. Like, it's incredible.
They're complete stories.

Like, that's just how her brain works.
She dreams in stories.

So, does Vanessa want to be
a writer, like for work?

'Cause she doesn't have
a job right now, right?

Yeah, she's just taking some time
to figure out what she really wants to do,

which I respect a lot more than
some people who just pick some path

right out of school
because they need stability.

- Oh, do you need to slow down?
- No. Do you?

No. I'm fine.

- I'm good too.
- Good. Good.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

- Why can't you just pay for the damage?
- You were parked in our driveway.

You hit my car. You hit my...

- Okay, let's... Let's calm down a second.
- It's okay, Tim. I got it. You know what?

The insurance companies are still trying
to determine who was at fault here.

Okay, you know what?
I'm a nice guy, okay? I'm a fucking dad.

I'm not... I'm not trying to rip you off here.
I just want what's right.

I'm sorry that you feel wronged
in this situation.

Okay, you're unbelievable. Don't run over my
kids next time you're texting and driving.

- I do not text and drive.
- Seriously?

Dude, she does it all the time.
I see her.

You... You.

Jesus!

Maybe I was entering something
into my G.P.S. Maybe.

Wait...

- Hey.
- What's up?

- Maybe we should just pay him.
- What?

Well, we don't need to be in a fight
with our neighbor over this.

Maybe we just give him a couple
hundred bucks, you say you're sorry,

- we'll be done with it.
- But I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm not saying you did. I mean, although
you're not really supposed to use the G.P.S.

- while you're driving. But that's...
- Oh, so you do think it's my fault.

I don't know whose fault it was.
I wasn't there.

So, great. Good to know that
when in doubt, you're not on my team.

Paige.

Just go. You're gonna be late for golf.

- You can't really be late for golf.
- Whatever. Just go.

Okay.

- That feels good.
- Yeah? You like that?

- Yeah.
- It's my signature move.

- "Signature move."
- Yeah.

You and Vanessa?

No. No. I...

Not yet. Nothing happened yet.
We've just been talking about it.

Good. You scared me.

You think Jenn would really freak out?

- Sasha, Jenn would die.
- Okay.

Okay. Fine.
I won't hook up with her then.

You know you can trust me
with this stuff, right?

What do you mean?

I mean, like,

if something has already happened
between you and Vanessa,

and you wanted to confide in me,
you totally can,

and I promise I won't tell Jenn.

I have been hooking up
with Vanessa for a little while.

Okay. No judgment.

Seriously?

Come on. If lesbians weren't allowed to date
anyone their friends have already dated,

- then we'd all be celibate.
- Oh, my God.

- Hey, Jenn. I was just with other Jen.
- Fuck you.

Really, Sasha? Vanessa?
After I cried for months on your shoulder

about how badly she hurt me?

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

- You weren't supposed to find out like this.
- What? So now that Paige ditched you,

you're just gonna fuck anyone over
so you don't have to be alone?

Paige didn't ditch me.

Oh, please. Wake up.
You've been replaced.

And you know what? You deserve it,
because I have never been this betrayed.

Oh, really, Jenn?
You've never been this betrayed?

Even when two of your exes
started fucking each other?

And, please, you're not some saint.
You slept with a married girl last year.

Cameron was in an open relationship, okay?
You know what? This isn't about that.

This is not about that.
This is about our friendship, which is over.

So good-bye. Oh, and you know what?

Vanessa doesn't shave her pussy hair
or even trim it, so good luck down there.

Oh, well, guess what?
I already know that!

I'm not even gonna...

Oh, my God. Jen...

- Sasha, what's up?
- You fucking told Jenn?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Look, I'm sorry about earlier, okay?

I did not mean to take a side.
I don't know that guy.

Thanks.

- Don't be like that.
- Like what?

- "Thanks."
- I didn't say it like that.

Okay. Never mind.

Enough!

- I miss you, okay?
- Okay.

Golfing was great. Thank you for asking.

You're a fucking bitch.

Nora, hi. I'm sorry that
you heard that. I was on...

I was researching our properties,
and someone said something...

This package needs to go out
to our China office immediately.

Right. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Look what I found
in the conference room.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Is it already 6:00?
- Have you been here all day?

Yeah. I just got totally absorbed
in my short story.

Pete stopped by to give me his notes,

and they just sent me
in this whole new direction.

And Pete is the guy that you met in the
coffee shop, right? The writer guy?

Yeah, yeah. And he teaches
part-time at the university.

They gave him this amazing
fellowship that, like, no one gets.

He has all these ins at The New Yorker, so he's
gonna help me submit this once it's done.

Cool.

Oh. Were you having wine?

Oh, yeah. Actually, it's... it's gone.
Pete just brought some earlier.

Oh. I thought it was a work meeting.

It was, at first,
but then we hung out, and...

I don't know. I guess I hadn't
told him that I was gay or something.

People don't normally assume I am,
because I'm really feminine.

But...

at one point, he... kissed me.

What? Oh, my God. Awkward!

Yeah. That's what I would have thought.

I don't know how to tell you this, but...
there was something there.

But...

you're gay.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like I've been saying
I'm gay for so long that maybe

I just stopped getting in touch with where
I actually am, you know, in the spectrum.

All I know is I owe it
to myself to find out.

Okay. Got it.

And I owe it to you to be honest.

Not that I could have lied.

I'm just one of those people
who's not capable of a false moment.

All right. I got a cake mix, I got
a bottle of scotch, I got a face mask

and a really weird
jewelry-making kit that I found at CVS.

So what are we doing first?

You think two N's will ever forgive me?

Yeah. I mean, she'll probably hold
a grudge 'cause she loves drama.

Yeah, but so does one "N,"

even though she keeps saying
she doesn't want to get in between us.

As soon as two N's gets a girlfriend,
she's gonna forget all about this.

She was so mad.

You know, maybe I should
remember next time that...

if it starts off with a ton of drama,

maybe I shouldn't go there.

That's probably a good rule of thumb.

- "Rule of thumb."
- Shut up.

No, I don't know.

- Maybe I should date someone a little bit more...
- More mature?

Okay. I was gonna say more,
you know, sure she's gay,

- but, yeah, what do you really think?
- No, I just...

I think that you deserve to be with
somebody who's got their shit together.

Yeah, no, you're right.

Or at the very least someone
who doesn't go on and on

about how good she is in bed...
while we're in bed.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

It's kind of hard to stay in the moment
when your partner keeps telling you

that everything she's doing
is her signature move.

- She did not.
- No. She did a lot.

Oh, my God.

It's so late.
I should probably get going.

No, don't go. We're having fun.

I know, but Tim doesn't like it
when I drive home late at night.

Does he like it when you drive home
with your face like that?

- Gorgeous. It's gorgeous.
- Don't touch me. I'm hideous. Don't touch me.

I promise you, you're gonna
get over Vanessa so fast.

You just gotta get back out there.

Hi.

Lucas is bringing fireworks.

- Tim, no.
- Paige, maybe.

Thank you for getting that.
How much do I owe you?

Nothing. I think I can afford
some frozen water.

Hey, there's this new lawyer at my firm.
She's really cool, and she's gay.

Yeah. Her name is Angelica.
She's really pretty.

You know, she's got her shit together.

Angelica.

Well, I guess if, I don't know, we're free,
we can get a group or something together.

Yeah. I invited her here today.

It was super last minute 'cause she doesn't
really know anybody in town, but no big deal.

- Yeah. You didn't tell her it was a setup, right?
- No. Not at all. No pressure.

But, you know, wouldn't hurt
if you guys fell in love

and we went on double dates
and lived happily ever after.

Okay, psycho.

- Do I look too much like a lesbian?
- You are a lesbian.

Yeah, but I don't want to look... gay.

You're, like, offensive to yourself.

I mean, I'm not offended.

- Is that her?
- Yeah. Isn't she pretty?

- Why is she so dressed up?
- She just came from work.

She rich? That's a really fancy bag.

I don't know. I don't know her that well.
Come on. Sasha, let's just go say hi.

No. I don't need to make
a big deal out of saying hi.

Just... you know,
if we cross paths, then I'll...

- Come on.
- No.

Sasha...

- So has Sasha ever been with a dude?
- Lucas, she's gay.

- Well, she flirts with me.
- Brian, she's gay.

Now, that's my type.

Oh, hey. Also gay.

Your party sucks.

- No.
- Sasha, chill.

Is she coming over here?

- Hey! Hi.
- Hi, Paige.

- Thank you for coming.
- Thank you for having me.

Oh, Angelica, this is Sasha.
Sasha, Angelica.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So you just came from work.

Oh, yeah. I had to go in to
finish up some stuff this morning.

Blows.

Actually, I didn't mind it. I know
this is nerdy, but I love my work.

- What do you do?
- I'm a receptionist.

And a really talented musician.

I'm gonna go play beer pong.

I love beer pong.

Cool.

- Even better.
- Does that count?

Of course that counts.

- "Does that count?"
- Of course that counts.

She drinks P.B.R., she plays beer pong,
she is the perfect woman.

Brian, you're just... You're drunk now.
We need a new player.

- Does anyone want...
- Angelica, you want to get in there?

- I'm in.
- Come on up.

Cool, Tim. Cool, man.

I don't think we need another player.
You don't want to get your suit all...

- Screw it. I hate this suit.
- ...messed up.

You're really good at this.
You should, give me some tips.

I think I'm actually gonna
just sit this one out.

I'm just gonna finish my beer.

Sasha, this is for you.
I call it my signature move.

Angelica! Get it. Yeah.

- More.
- More!

Crap. I am such a klutz.

- Be right back.
- That's commitment.

- Sasha, you should go help her clean up.
- It's fine. I think she's got it.

Sasha, you should go help her clean up.
It'll give you guys a chance to talk.

I think she's got it.
I'm gonna go get some chips.

Sasha...

- Sasha.
- What?

- Why are you not trying, like, at all?
- What are you talking about?

- I thought you said there was no pressure.
- There isn't, but you're, like, being rude.

How am I being rude?
She doesn't even know it's a setup.

You told her it's a setup.

I just thought you guys
would really like each other.

- Why? Because you know she's not my type.
- Well, maybe that would be good for you.

- Good for me?
- You know what I mean.

You were the one who was just saying that
you wanted to date someone more mature.

You're the one who keeps saying that.

I'm sorry that I don't like the one person
that you've ever tried to set me up with.

You were really picky
when you were single too, remember?

Not like this.

You're saying that you would have liked
the male equivalent of Angelica?

- Yes.
- That is such bullshit.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

You're saying that if a man
showed up at a barbecue in a suit

and was saying things like,
"Oh, crap. I'm such a klutz"

and was hovering all over you,
you would have been into that?

Angelica...

Thank you.

Angelica, please, you have to believe me,
this has zero to do with you.

This is all about me and Sasha.

Honestly, it doesn't even matter.
I'm too old for this shit.

- But...
- See you at work. Thanks for the invite.

I don't even know why I try.

- What do you mean?
- Just be honest with me.

If you don't want to change anything
about your life, just say that.

Admit that you're happy dating 22-year-olds
and going out every night,

and I will stop putting myself
out there trying to help you.

I never asked you
to put yourself out there.

Okay. Then stop calling me every day
complaining about your life

and then not do anything about it,
because it's a little confusing for me.

Okay. Fine!

Guess I should have known that as soon as
you found someone else to couple up with

that you'd be done with me.

Sasha, that is not fair. Okay, yes, I'm less
available to you now than I was before,

when there was no one else in my life and we
talked every night till two in the morning,

but that was always gonna change
when one of us met someone.

I mean, you don't talk to your friends
till 2:00 in the morning anymore.

You stop needing that.

But you still have that.

What?

You...

You still talk to someone
at 2:00 in the morning.

It's just Tim now.

Nothing changed for you.

It just changed for me.
Can you acknowledge that, please?

Hey.

Who wants some more s'mores?

Why don't you tell him?

You tell him everything else.

Did I fuck something up?

Good evening. Can I take your order?

Yeah, can I just have an order
of mozzarella sticks, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.
We are out of mozzarella sticks.

Would you like some curly fries instead?

Excuse me?

Ma'am?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you still thinking
about that fight with Sasha?

That's so crazy she got so mad
just 'cause you're trying to set her up.

You know, when I came into this
to prove to myself that...

Did they say why they're
making them swim in the shark tank?

It's just funny.

What's a booty tooch?

It's one of Tyra's sayings. It's when
you stick your butt out in pictures.

It's like the new smize.

Smiling with your eyes.

I don't look at my lupus as a handicap.

I look at it as a beautiful
part of me that makes me unique.

Yeah, right. It is a handicap.

Hope you have enough energy
to swim away from those sharks.

You're so funny.

You're, like, the funniest person
I've ever dated.

- Are you Paige Kearns?
- Yes.

You've been served.

Oh, he's taking you to court?

Good thing I'm a lawyer.

- Okay. Please tell me you're not serious.
- I am.

Come on, Paige.
You really care so much about this,

you're gonna take our
next-door neighbor to court?

He sued me.

You hit his car.
You didn't pay him for it.

I knew it.

I knew you thought I was wrong.
Why'd you lie to me?

'Cause it's easier than
disagreeing with you.

- You can disagree with me.
- Can I? Like, right now?

I am not mad at you because
you're disagreeing with me.

- I am mad because you lied to me.
- Okay.

- Oh, great. So now you're just walking away.
- I can't talk to you sometimes.

You never see anyone else's side... ever.
You always get your way.

It's like every time we fight,
I have to be the one to apologize.

- I'm not gonna do it this time.
- Oh, really? I always get my way?

Paige, I let you fucking dress me.

- I do not dress you.
- You can't even admit that?

- This is just who I am.
- Well, then you suck.

- Great. Now you're just being a dick.
- Maybe I just found my dick.

Whatever! You know,
I deserve to be with somebody

who appreciates me the way that I am.
And if you can't do that, then...

Gotcha.

A package does not
just disappear, Valerie.

I know. I'm trying to figure it out.
FedEx keeps telling me there's no record of it.

- Let me see the package log.
- No. I'll do it.

- What are you guys looking for?
- A package that was sent to China.

I don't even see any international
shipments on this log.

You know what? I am actually
a little bit behind on that log,

and FedEx loses packages
all the time, right?

Rarely. And this one cost us a job.

They accepted a competing bid
because ours wasn't in on time.

- Tim and I had a fight.
- Oh, honey.

What did he do?

- Shithead.
- I know.

Sasha.

Hey.

Hi!

- Yo.
- Hey.

Is Paige here?

No. No, just me.

What's new?

- Not much.
- Yeah?

- I got fired.
- Oh, shit. Shit. Sorry.

- Paige didn't tell me.
- Oh, she doesn't know.

I haven't seen her since your barbecue.

Oh, man. I...

Wow. I knew you guys got in
a little fight over the setup, but...

That's what she said it was about?

I'm guessing maybe that
wasn't the whole story?

Yeah. Yeah.

She has a way of doing that.

So then she probably
didn't tell you that...

we got in a fight.

She's staying at her mom's.

Really? What happened?
Okay. Sorry. It's none of my business.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's all right.
It's... It's kind of a long story,

but basically we're both
waiting for an apology.

From Paige?

Good luck with that.

Sorry about your job.

Yeah. There's nothing like, you know,
getting fired from an entry-level job

right before you turn 30 to just...
make you question everything.

Well, I wouldn't... I mean, I hope it's
not making you question everything.

Who cares about that job?
You got your music.

That's the point, right?
I mean, that's your passion.

Well, it kind of has to be your passion
when you spent your whole life saying

it's all you ever wanted to do,
and your parents spent a shitload of money

on music school and...
I couldn't even quit if I wanted to.

- Do you want to?
- Whatever.

It's a little late to turn back now.

Well, you know, that is what I did, actually.
I used to want to...

- I used to want to work on Wall Street.
- Really?

Wall Street was
my favorite movie as a kid,

and I went to business school
for a year, actually.

If you want to talk about
expensive schools, there you go.

What happened?

I fucking hated
business school, so I quit.

I figured better to turn back now than spend
the rest of my life hating it, you know.

- So where's your girlfriend?
- Mia? She's not my girlfriend.

Please. She will be.
She's hot, and she worships you.

Speaking of worship,
that girl should be on a throne.

Damn.

Oh, my God. She's so desperate.

I was never that crazy
when I was single, was I?

I can't picture you single.

Yeah? Well, you don't have to, baby.

Breathtaking.

Yeah, it's pretty.
I still don't know about a strapless.

I just feel like it's falling off of me.

Oh, no. You're being crazy.
They're gonna make it fit like a glove.

- See? This thing is not moving anywhere.
- Mom. Okay. Okay.

Watch out. Watch out. Where you going?

Oh, honey, please do not check
to see if Tim's called again.

Come on. Let's stay on task.
Is this a yes? Maybe?

Mom, it's been two days.

I mean, I haven't not spoken to him
in two days since I met him.

Well, why don't you let him
come to you in his own time?

Yeah, but what if he doesn't call me?

I'll just give you ladies a minute.

Thank you. He will. Come on.

Men are like children.
They'll do whatever you want.

They just have to think
that it's their idea.

Come here. Look at this.
Do you think he's gonna let that go?

Well, he might if you're scowling
like that. Come on. Smile.

We only get to do this once! Hopefully.

Can we just do this another time?

I feel weird looking at wedding dresses
when I'm not even speaking to my fiancé.

Oh, come on. Let's do a couple more.
So is this a yes or a maybe?

- No. I don't like it.
- Now you're just being dramatic.

- If you want my advice, you should...
- I don't want your advice.

Listen, twenty years from now,
when you look at these wedding pictures,

a strapless dress
will be so much more elegant.

What is with you and a strapless?
I don't like it. It's not me. It's a cliché.

It's not flattering, and I'm not
wearing it for my wedding.

- Fine. Why didn't you just say so?
- I've been trying to,

but every time I try to say something,
you just talk over me,

and you insist that you're right,
and it always has to be your way.

Tim?

Tim?

Tim?

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, guys, go in the house
right now, please. Go right now.

No, no, no. I'm not gonna do anything.

I... I just wanted to tell you
that I was texting when I hit your car.

I know that it's...

I know that it's really dangerous,
and people have been killed like that,

and I need to stop, but first,
can I just pay for your bumper?

Yes.

Yeah. Yes, you can. Thank you.

Bear!

Hey.

- How are you?
- What are you doing here?

I just wanted to come hang out.

I left you a message saying
I'm not free. Did you not get it?

Dude, I don't even know where
the fuck my phone is right now.

How high are you?

Ta-da! I'm making you
matching mittens tomorrow.

You're gonna look so cute in Alaska.

Alaska?

Oh, shit.

I forgot to surprise you.

Wait. Does that make sense?
Forgot to surprise you?

Anyway, Tegan and Sara are doing
this secret concert series in Alaska,

and for a week,
you stay in an igloo and do Molly,

and every morning you wake up,
and they're performing with, like,

a chorus of Latin monks.

What do you mean? They're Latin American,
or they sing in Latin?

I don't know.

Maybe they're not Latin.

Well, I can't go anyway,
because I really need to find a job.

You can do that when we get back.
I mean, you can get any receptionist job.

You've got, like,
eight years experience, right?

Yeah. I know.

Whatever. It's just till
you're done with your album.

I don't know if that's
what I want to do anymore.

What do you mean?
I thought music was your dream.

Yeah, I know.

My dream was to be a musician, not...

spend every day having panic attacks
and sitting behind a reception desk

for eight hours
wanting to blow my brains out.

I just think I...

I've tried so hard to hang on to this goal,
and I'm wasting my life. I...

I don't know.
I just want to be happy, and I...

I think I need to find
a job I don't hate.

But can't you do that after
we get back from Alaska?

Come on.

- Please?
- No. Stop it!

I'm sorry. That... It's not your fault.
I just... I can't do this.

Alaska? I know. You just said that.

No, I mean,

Mia...

Call voice mail.

- Sorry. I don't understand.
- Call voice mail.

- Sorry. I don't understand.
- Fuck it.

Hey, bitch!

Just tell me. I hate surprises.

No. You'll just have
to find out tomorrow.

You can't not tell me what song
you're gonna sing at my wedding.

Okay, fine. I'll tell you.

You know that song that's like...

- Grind it, girl...
- No. Nope. Not happening.

Okay. Fine, fine, fine.
Sorry. I'll tell you.

Did you know that the Hanson brothers
are still making music?

Sometimes I just want to...

- Please, just tell me, Sasha.
- Okay, fine. I'll tell you.

But first I have a really
serious question.

Hang on.

Do you think that Tim
will be jealous of my tux?

No.