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1
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:30,770
In 1991,
she became the first female
2
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,734
late-night talk-show host
on a major network.
3
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,552
"Tonight with Katherine newbury'"
4
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,191
is the gold standard...
5
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,486
She has hosted
over 6,000 episodes,
6
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,325
winning 43 primetime
Emmy awards...
7
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,830
She's brilliant.
8
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,536
She is excellence
without compromise.
9
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,030
Ladies and gentlemen,
10
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,368
please welcome to the stage...
11
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,412
- Three, two.
- ..This year's recipient
12
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,878
of the American humor award,
Katherine newbury.
13
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,383
Thank you so much
for this incredible honour,
14
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,889
although I do have to say
15
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,390
I think America is in
16
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,347
a tough spot if it's giving
17
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,332
this amazing award for American
comedy to an englishwoman.
18
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,687
I guess they're right -
19
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,393
foreigners are taking
all your jobs.
20
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,978
I mean, what happened?
21
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:11,894
Is there no one funny
left in the country?
22
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,278
Is Martin short dead?
23
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,858
What about Jerry Seinfeld?
24
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:16,443
Or how about Alec Baldwin?
25
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,949
I mean, come on!
26
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,826
Did someone blow up
the Hamptons?
27
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,637
Whatever the reason,
I'm assuming I'm here
28
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,200
because 28 years ago,
29
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:26,287
you gave me the greatest
honour of my life.
30
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,201
You made me the host
31
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,462
of "tonight with
Katherine newbury'."
32
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,337
Oh, god.
33
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,928
I have hated many pairs
of shoes in my time,
34
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,013
but none more than these.
35
00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,848
And everything hurts.
I'm in hell.
36
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,638
- How are you?
- I liked your speech.
37
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,477
But you have notes.
I know you have notes.
38
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,687
My only note is to drink
as much as you want.
39
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,944
I ran into Steve Martin.
He sends his love.
40
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,070
He sends his love?!
Jesus Christ.
41
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,152
How sick do people think I am?
42
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,192
Oh, please don't die
before I get home.
43
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,577
I haven't got the strength
to organise your funeral.
44
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,581
- Go party.
- Are you kidding?
45
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,083
My spanx have actually cut off
the blood supply to my head.
46
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,118
I'm going to bed.
47
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:13,164
- Good night, my love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
48
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,925
You know what I hate?
49
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,677
Those friends who are like, "oh,
can you take off your shoes?"
50
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,884
Nope, not taking 'em off.
51
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,595
You know why?
52
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,475
'Cause this is not Japan.
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,137
It's the United States
of America.
54
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,727
Next time you go
to a friend's house
55
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,482
and that friend says,
"ooh, hold on,
56
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,769
"can you take your shoes off?"
here's what you do.
57
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,527
You take one of their shoes,
58
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,814
and you take a shit
in it, alright?
59
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,573
Right in front of them.
60
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,700
Boom. You're welcome, America.
61
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,362
Oh, what a wanker.
62
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,144
"Tonight
with Katherine newbury".
63
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,328
So how did the speech go?
64
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,039
Did you like
what the writers wrote?
65
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,669
Well, I kept the last line.
66
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,670
"Thank you for this honour.
Good night."
67
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,206
I'll take that as a no.
68
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,967
Ok, so the network
has been trying to contact us.
69
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,048
You have to call Caroline back.
70
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,680
Oh, I was just reading
about her. Yeah, here.
71
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,842
Listen to this - "as a female
president of a network..."
72
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:10,854
Don't start any sentence with,
"as a female..." So tacky.
73
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,434
"I want to remind my network"
74
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,087
"that show business
is still business."
75
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,671
"When I was at
Harvard business school,"
76
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,507
where, apparently,
she majored in name-dropping,
77
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,943
"I learned that if we're not
hitting prospective consumers"
78
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,037
"in all four quadrants,
we are not going to make"
79
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,658
"a return on our investment."
80
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,869
She sounds hilarious.
I can't wait to call her back.
81
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,655
Great. And Gabe eichler
is waiting to talk to you.
82
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,496
- I don't know who that is.
- He's one of our writers.
83
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,872
Whoopee.
84
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,628
I'm in a single-income
household,
85
00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:38,916
and Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.
86
00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,709
Adorable, huh?
87
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,845
- She takes after you.
- Yeah. Thanks.
88
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,677
So there's just a lot
of expenses at home right now
89
00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,059
and I think
it's time for a raise.
90
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,811
I see.
91
00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,973
This is actually
very exciting to me.
92
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,357
Really? Great.
93
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,188
Because what you're
describing is the most
94
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,024
clear-cut example of the
classic sexist argument
95
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,029
for the advancement of men
in the workplace.
96
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,565
You're asking for a raise
97
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,596
not because of any work-related
contribution you've made,
98
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,235
but simply because
you have a family.
99
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,951
And that's why, in the 1950s,
family men were promoted
100
00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,831
over the women they worked with.
101
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,742
I've never encountered it,
actually,
102
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,002
in such a clean, teachable way.
103
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,334
I don't think that's at all
what's happening.
104
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:19,839
I can't give you a raise, Gabe.
105
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,126
It's like giving a raise
to a drug addict. -What?
106
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,990
Well, your situations
are virtually identical.
107
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,676
A drug addict makes certain
decisions outside of work
108
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,556
for their sense
of self and comfort
109
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,705
and then the addiction demands
more time, more energy,
110
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:32,265
more money, just like a child.
111
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,929
My child's like a drug problem?
112
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,597
Exactly. You want
special treatment.
113
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,641
I'm sure you can see
how unfair that would be
114
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,857
- there are no women on this staff.
- Gabe.
115
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,302
The reason there aren't any
women is because you hate women.
116
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:45,657
So you can sit there
117
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,507
spouting all this
pseudo-feminist bullshit,
118
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,027
but we all know
what's going on here.
119
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,242
We need to hire a woman.
120
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,748
You're fired, obviously.
121
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:59,087
Just so you know, this show
sucks and has for years.
122
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,918
Everybody's here
for the pay cheque.
123
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:04,175
That would mean so much more
coming from someone with a job.
124
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,882
Sorry, man.
125
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,762
Yeah, sorry.
126
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,548
Bradley, I don't hate women.
127
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,388
I don't think
you think you hate women.
128
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,393
What does that mean?
129
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,284
I think you might have
a problem with women.
130
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,806
I love Mary Tyler Moore.
131
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,815
- I love gilda radner.
- They're both dead.
132
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,817
I... I think you have a problem
133
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,588
with living female writers
on your staff.
134
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,300
You never want to renew
their contracts.
135
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,364
Well, find me one worth keeping.
136
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,367
- Would a gay guy work?
- No!
137
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,599
"Ll have spread my dreams
under your feet."
138
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:57,433
"Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
139
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,938
(God!
140
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,815
Ok, alright, alright.
141
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:07,947
Oh, there's my guy.
142
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,779
- How are you, buddy? Hey.
- Good.
143
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,597
You guys remember my
little brother Hayes, right?
144
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,703
He's the funny one
in the family, right?
145
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,410
Wait, someone
in your family is funny?
146
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:16,744
Hey, man.
147
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,396
Hayes, your timing
could not be better.
148
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,897
- Gabe got fired last week.
- Oh, yeah.
149
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,832
See, Gabe asked
if he could go home
150
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,567
and have dinner
with his kids - suicide.
151
00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,715
So listen. When you go
in there, ok, no commitments.
152
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:26,962
- Ok.
- No girlfriend.
153
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,923
- Alright? You're a monk.
- Alright. Monk.
154
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,741
- I'm a monk.
- Dad already called the network.
155
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,243
- You got this.
- You got this.
156
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,598
- Thank you.
- Good luck, man.
157
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:34,928
- Thanks.
- Text me after, ok?
158
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,684
Alright.
159
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,523
So you worked
at "chemical plant'."
160
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,028
Is that a cable show?
161
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,688
No, it's a place.
162
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,448
It's a... a chemical plant.
163
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,359
I still work there, actually.
164
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,027
How did you even
hear about this job?
165
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,600
Your submission came
from Margaret Yang
166
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,955
in human resources?
167
00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,662
At the chemical plant where
I work, there is a corkboard,
168
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,451
you know,
where people hang notices
169
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,746
for bikes, futons, missing cats,
170
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,789
and one day, I saw a notice
171
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,128
for a company-sponsored
essay contest
172
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,340
where the prize was you could
meet any executive you want.
173
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,924
An essay contest? Yes.
174
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:16,307
To meet an executive, like
the head of the chemical plant?
175
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:17,843
Yes, I think that's what
176
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,602
you could have picked,
traditionally.
177
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,309
- But you didn't?
- No.
178
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,815
I picked Vernon gleason,
the chief operating officer
179
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,397
for all of mainline chemical,
which owns my plant,
180
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,358
but also owns comtech,
which owns this network,
181
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,488
which owns "tonight
with Katherine newbury'."
182
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,946
So... so you went
183
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,031
to our parent's parent company
184
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,787
in order to make this interview?
185
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,119
Yep. -And you have
no experience in comedy?
186
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,908
No! No,
I'm obsessed with comedy.
187
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,702
No, I've seen every episode
of this show.
188
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,560
I... I've read every book
written about it.
189
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,751
I do a little stand-up. “Where?
190
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,882
If you have a problem,
ask a chemist.
191
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,715
She'll always have
the solution. -
192
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,881
which kills with people
who know about chemistry.
193
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,371
And I'm actually emceeing a
benefit in the city pretty soon.
194
00:07:58,395 --> 00:07:59,726
- It's kind of cool.
- Um...
195
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,511
"Cancer isn't funny -"
196
00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,555
"a night of comedy
in support of lung cancer."
197
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:04,973
Jesus Christ.
198
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,018
Yes.
199
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,956
It's me.
Did you hire a woman yet?
200
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:13,531
- Uh, working on it.
- What's taking so long?
201
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,429
The submissions haven't
exactly been the strongest.
202
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:16,784
Just hire a woman!
203
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,373
I also wanted to add
204
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,580
that I live with
my aunt and uncle
205
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,415
and 11-year-old cousin
in queens.
206
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,171
I have no friends,
no boyfriend. I am a monk.
207
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,128
This job would be
my entire life.
208
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,418
Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?
209
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,336
Litigious?
“A TV writers' room is...
210
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:39,178
It's not very PC. It can be
a pretty masculine environment.
211
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,933
Oh. I saw most of the writers.
212
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,140
I'm not overly worried
about masculinity.
213
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,397
Oh!
214
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,902
Uh... you're hired,
215
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,937
for 13 weeks,
and if it doesn't work out,
216
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,676
which it probably won't,
you'll be gone.
217
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,316
I can't believe this.
218
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,155
I thought this was
going very badly.
219
00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,694
It did, and then it didn't.
220
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,534
Ok, here's my spiel
to all new writers.
221
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,369
Nothing funny happened
after 1995.
222
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,999
Don't talk about the Internet.
223
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,535
She doesn't want
to leave her desk.
224
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,441
She certainly doesn't want
to leave the office.
225
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,151
- Here's the new schedule.
- Don't rock the boat.
226
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,540
Oh, but don't use
the expression,
227
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,424
"don't rock the boat,"
'cause she hates it.
228
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,586
Got it?
229
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,221
Didn't you pitch us this
same exact thing last week?
230
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,803
Yes. -Ok, well, I did
a different iteration.
231
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:24,845
- Pitched that same thing.
- Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um...
232
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,479
- What's your name again?
- Molly.
233
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,640
'Maleigh'. She used to work
at a chemical plant.
234
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,308
And now she's working here.
235
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,818
Oh. Oh, thank god.
We're starving.
236
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,400
Can you find out what
the soup is at au bon pain?
237
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,360
And I need you
to send some packages
238
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,694
back to l.I.Bean for me.
239
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,549
She's not a production
assistant, dipshits.
240
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,740
- She's the new writer.
- Mm-hmm.
241
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,406
Hi.
242
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,997
So you start tomorrow at 10:00.
243
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,502
- Great.
- Ok.
244
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,974
"Tonight
with Katherine newbury".
245
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,594
Are you ok?
246
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,354
I'm so happy, I feel sick.
247
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,859
That's our show, everyone.
248
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,396
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
249
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,786
Brad. Yeah.
250
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,788
Who is the woman
who was the second guest?
251
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,042
Dianne feinstein? U.S. senator?
252
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,578
I thought it was Mike Myers
doing a bit in old-lady makeup.
253
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,338
Jesus Christ, why does she keep
booking these boring old broads
254
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,374
when I rep the funniest
comedians in the city?
255
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:37,918
Probably because I have
256
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,882
a soft spot
for boring old broads.
257
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,717
Speaking as one, hello, Billy.
258
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,007
- Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.
259
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,050
To what do I owe
the pleasure of a visit
260
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,844
from the world's pushiest
talent manager?
261
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:49,933
How about getting some
of my guys on the show?
262
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,644
It'll shake the dust off
of this place.
263
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,979
- Dust?
- Ok, Billy.
264
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,519
I think your charm
is wearing off.
265
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,983
- I'll... I'll walk you out.
- You know I'm right.
266
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,154
Good for you.
267
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,015
You're going to go
celebrate with your friends?
268
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,370
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna go get drinks.
269
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:07,872
You deserve it.
270
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,748
Ok, mom, I don't want
to keep them waiting.
271
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,250
I better go.
272
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,315
- Was that the microwave?
- Oh, no, it's the doorbell.
273
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,172
Be right there, you guys!
Ok, I got to go.
274
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,597
Where did that catchphrase
come from?
275
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:30,136
"Li hope I earned the privilege
of your time"?
276
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,930
It came from me.
277
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,064
Sign of respect for my audience.
278
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,645
Your audience.
279
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,936
Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.
280
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,604
It's cute. I like it.
281
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,192
That's a little insulting,
isn't it?
282
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,698
Do you know what's insulting?
283
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,150
Waiting a week for one of your
employees to call you back.
284
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:48,530
I apologise. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.
285
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,428
Comedy is the
three-and-a-half-minute chunks
286
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,543
of filler on TV between
the commercials you sell.
287
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,789
I came to tell you
this year is your last.
288
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,960
- What?
- This season is your last.
289
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,048
You're cancelling the show?
290
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,887
No, I'm cancelling you.
291
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,021
This show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.
292
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:12,220
Do you want to know
who Jimmy Fallon had on
293
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,356
last Tuesday when you had
Doris kearns goodwin?
294
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,891
Robert downey Jr.
295
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,435
They washed a sheepdog together.
296
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,978
It was fucking glorious.
297
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,771
I'm sorry, Caroline.
298
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,830
Should I have played
giant connect four with her
299
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,568
or perhaps sung a karaoke song
on the back of a tandem bicycle?
300
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,807
It's Doris kearns goodwin.
She's a national treasure.
301
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,571
Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an avenger
302
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,590
instead of writing books
about Abraham Lincoln.
303
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,200
She could be an avenger
if she tried!
304
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,607
Your ratings have been in steady
decline the past 10 years.
305
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,917
You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.
306
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,048
The worst part is
you seem proud of it,
307
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,130
as if it's beneath you
to put forth any effort.
308
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,590
It's so... english.
309
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,347
I'm sure that attitude scores
you points at dinner parties,
310
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,412
- but unfortun...
- I don't go to dinner parties.
311
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,767
Who are you replacing me with?
312
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,805
Well, we haven't
decided yet, but we will.
313
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,231
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
314
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,154
After all the years, the decades
315
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,911
I've put into that show,
can you believe it?
316
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,949
- As a matter of fact, I can.
- They're all a bunch of idiots.
317
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,207
I mean, this is the cyclical
nature of late-night TV.
318
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,953
There are gonna be highs
and there are gonna be slumps.
319
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,124
This particular slump
has lasted for over a decade.
320
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,384
What? -The show hasn't
been good for years.
321
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,095
Sorry.
322
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,684
But if you felt this way,
323
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,941
why, for god's sake,
didn't you say something?
324
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,726
I thought you knew
and didn't care.
325
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,269
- No.
- Are you sure?
326
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,984
Walter, I have invested
in precisely
327
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,194
two things my entire life -
you and this show.
328
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,904
I won't lose it now. I can't!
329
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,443
Then you have to fight again.
330
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,454
Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.
331
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,498
They want to replace you.
332
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,082
But they can't replace you
if everyone loves you.
333
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,047
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
334
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,184
Good morning!
335
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,765
Oh, my god, you are so funny.
336
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,021
Why am I even awake right now?
I'm a stand-up.
337
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,112
I didn't even start my set
till 10:00 last night.
338
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,146
Yeah, why did Brad want us here
so early anyway?
339
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,561
That makes me kind of nervous.
340
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,479
You're nervous?
That's surprising.
341
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,399
Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.
342
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:33,320
Caroline Morton? Why would the
head of the network come here?
343
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,784
Well, hopefully, they don't
lay everybody off, you know?
344
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,719
- I need this job.
- They did fire Gabe.
345
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,225
Hey, babe. -Gabe should have
been fired years ago.
346
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,603
He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."
347
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,229
Hey, dickhead,
I shared an office
348
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,936
with that guy for 17 years.
349
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,476
- Oh, I heard he got hired at kimmel.
- Fuck him.
350
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,214
I thought you said kimmel
wasn't hiring.
351
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,484
Guys, there's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.
352
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,189
Maybe she wants
to sleep with me.
353
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,450
Hey, man, it's a little early
in the morning for you
354
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,515
to be this sexually charged,
so let's just...
355
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,905
Sorry to interrupt your
coffee cake and catching up,
356
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,869
but Katherine
is in the writers' room.
357
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,163
God.
358
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,426
Uh, if I may,
I just want to say,
359
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,507
it is such an honour
to meet you, Ms. newbury.
360
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,968
- I'm Chris Reynolds.
- Uh, my name is Eugene mancuso.
361
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,099
And when my parents
got divorced, this show...
362
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,760
I don't know who any of you are.
363
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,054
- I don't know who any OF THEM ARE.
- Um...
364
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:44,645
Oh, well, uh, Tom.
I'm... I'm Tom.
365
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,401
I, uh... I write the monologue,
I'm actually the youngest
366
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,258
monologue writer
in the history of the show.
367
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,613
- No, no... don't care.
- No? Ok.
368
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,743
You know what? I'm not
gonna remember any of this.
369
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,669
So here's what we're gonna do.
Um, you're one.
370
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:58,112
Two. Three.
371
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,247
Four.
372
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,329
- Hi, Katherine.
- Oh, burditt!
373
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,243
Thank god. How's your baby?
374
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,707
She's 27.
375
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,419
Her baby's doing well.
She just started preschool.
376
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,424
- She's, uh...
- Never mind.
377
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,881
I don't want to know. I don't
know why I asked, actually.
378
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,420
You're five. Six. Seven.
379
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,994
That's what I'm gonna call you
from now on. It's just easier.
380
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,100
Are we allowed to call each
other by our own names?
381
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,386
Just learn the numbers,
Reynolds... I mean two.
382
00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,020
- Yeah.
- Can one and I switch?
383
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,147
I'm just...
I'm the most senior writer.
384
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,900
I'll take seven. Seven.
Lucky seven.
385
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,606
Ok, can we just get into it now
386
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,633
and see if we can salvage
anything worth taping?
387
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,820
You... you had that
"trapped in the closet" thing.
388
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,986
Why are you dressed like
you work hr at a funeral home?
389
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,871
Pavarti, I don't look like that.
I look professional.
390
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,784
Like I work hr at a law firm.
391
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,436
Um, anyway,
but it's something like that.
392
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,271
- Yeah, you start.
- Ok, um...
393
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,317
- Who are you?
- Uh, I, uh... I'm Molly.
394
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,944
I'm a new writer.
395
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,400
- Uh, the new female writer.
- Yeah, I can see that, Brad.
396
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,237
- What are those?
- These are cupcakes.
397
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:20,198
They're my way of saying thank
you for this amazing oppor...
398
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,786
- You're late.
- Late?
399
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,451
I thought I was
almost two hours early.
400
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,210
Does it look like you're early?
401
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,042
Uh, Brad told her
we start at 10:00.
402
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,956
Oh.
403
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,874
Well, get in here, then.
404
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,693
Should I...
“What? You want to sit down?
405
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,087
Ok. Yeah.
406
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,972
Oh, that's where
mendelsohn sits.
407
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,882
He's in the bathroom, so...
408
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,894
- Ok.
- And that's mccrary's seat.
409
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,554
- Oh.
- Where is mccrary?
410
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,268
I told everyone
to be here at 8:00.
411
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,898
He got a call
from his girlfriend.
412
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,964
It's gonna be a while.
They're newly long-distance.
413
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,603
I think it's been
really hard for her.
414
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,884
Has it been? Has it been hard
for mccrary's girlfriend?
415
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,489
Oh, wow, he must
be such a catch.
416
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,821
- Could you sit down, please?
- Uh, I... I want to.
417
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,532
- I'm trying.
- Could you try harder?
418
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,162
Uh, yes.
419
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,540
Oh, ok. I'll just use,
uh, this trash can.
420
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:10,169
There's... you know, there's
hardly any trash in it at all.
421
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,875
Excuse me. Thank you. Yeah.
422
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,539
Ooh, it's kind of comfortable.
423
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,458
- Better than a chair.
- You're eight.
424
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,217
- What?
- Your name is eight.
425
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,782
- I'm Molly.
- None of this matters.
426
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,546
Why would anyone care
what your name is?
427
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,636
Do none of you understand
what is at stake here?
428
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,641
I am being replaced
as host of this show
429
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,975
because of declining ratings
and general lack of quality.
430
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:30,640
- Wait, what?
- The show is great!
431
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,774
Let's see them
do 300 shows a year.
432
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,235
What do you think?
433
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,072
Oh, I think it's horrible.
434
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,782
It's terrible.
435
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,992
It's... it's the worst.
It's... I hate it.
436
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,123
Please stop saying
synonyms for "bad."
437
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,285
Tell me what you think.
438
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,954
If I'm being completely honest
439
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,748
and also acknowledging
how much of a fan
440
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,087
I am of the show
and all of your work,
441
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,550
I think there is room for
a little bit of improvement.
442
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,036
Oh, well, sorry the show
doesn't appeal to the heightened
443
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:06,140
sensibilities of you
and your friends at the factory.
444
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,248
- It's a chemical plant, not a factory.
- Whatever.
445
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,125
Seven's right -
it's not the smartest thing
446
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,856
to come in on your first day and
criticise a room full of people
447
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,892
who've been doing this
for years, but...
448
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,902
I asked your opinion
449
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,314
and, honestly,
I do not disagree with you.
450
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,092
I've been hearing
a lot of this recently,
451
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,359
last night, from the person
I know most in the world
452
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,573
and today, from this person
sitting on a trash can
453
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,409
whom I know the least.
454
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,744
But taking both into account,
455
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,784
the show is bad -
I don't know why -
456
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,543
and I think it's your fault.
457
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,670
I love you too.
458
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,206
Oh, you must be mccrary.
459
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:38,921
- Oh, wow.
- How's your girlfriend?
460
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,211
Good. Really good.
Yeah, she just got this new job.
461
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,471
So she's a little emotional.
She misses me.
462
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:46,178
She's gonna be seeing a lot more
of you now 'cause you're fired.
463
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,513
Could you see him out?
Now this is what's gonna happen.
464
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,020
From this moment forth,
none of you has a life.
465
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,681
You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.
466
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,440
You have only this.
467
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:58,444
You live this show.
You breathe this show.
468
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:01,356
When you masturbate,
you think about this show.
469
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,512
You're finally gonna earn
those big, fat pay cheques
470
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,055
that have been paying
for your divorces
471
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,556
and gym memberships
you clearly never use.
472
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,990
Think about why the show is bad,
473
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,655
and come up with ways to fix it.
474
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,450
And, eight, sit on a chair
tomorrow, for god's sake!
475
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,627
Ok.
476
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,163
So...
477
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:20,003
Can I take the fired man's seat?
478
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,462
We're all gonna be out of jobs.
479
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,117
I'm gonna have to move
to long island.
480
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,200
- Probably sell all my clothes.
- Don't be so dramatic.
481
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,306
How would you know? You don't
even have nice clothes!
482
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:28,807
It's not all that surprising.
483
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,747
Any of your friends
talk about the show anymore?
484
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,057
No, it's a relic. There's
no buzz about it at all. -No!
485
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,097
It's not a relic, ok?
She is an icon.
486
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:37,858
It would take them a month
just to remove all of her emmys.
487
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,215
Well, who knows? Maybe little
miss chemical plant can help us.
488
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,550
Please, don't even
joke about that.
489
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,064
Reynolds, give me
one of your xanaxes.
490
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,082
I need all my xannies now
I'm in the poorhouse.
491
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,532
Molly patel! Molly patel.
492
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:51,539
- The quality control specialist.
- Oh, my god.
493
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,950
Hobbies include
ruining our lives.
494
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,106
I don't think she's worked
a day in television.
495
00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:58,041
You know, I think
she's a pathological liar.
496
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,672
I wish I was a woman of colour
so I could just get
497
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,424
any job I want
with zero qualifications.
498
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,551
We talked about this.
You can't say that.
499
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,641
Hey, man. You remember,
uh, Molly from earlier?
500
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,052
Yes. She told everyone
the show was bad.
501
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,017
That's her. You'll be sharing
an office with her.
502
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,228
Brad? Brad! Brad?
503
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,486
This is nice. Who's that?
504
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,317
That's the guy
whose desk you're taking.
505
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,357
He was fired last week.
506
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:28,651
He was my best friend.
507
00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:42,169
So...
You must be pretty new too.
508
00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:44,550
You don't have any stuff.
509
00:21:45,763 --> 00:21:48,425
Oh, I... I've been
here 27 years.
510
00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,432
In case I get fired, I don't
want to get too comfortable.
511
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,638
So are you gonna tell me
about your day?
512
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,272
It was a bit like
trying to mount
513
00:21:58,442 --> 00:21:59,773
a prison production of 'Hamlet'.
514
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,480
But at least prisoners
get sunlight
515
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,144
and exercise once a day.
516
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,984
That sounds very promising.
517
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,319
You always worked best
with a captive audience.
518
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,782
Right now it is
a hostile environment
519
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,948
in which to be
an educated white male.
520
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,832
I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, ok?
521
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,244
Staggering.
522
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,788
Yeah, and they completely
overlooked my brother. Alright.
523
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,647
She's, like, a diversity hire
or something.
524
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,091
Man, she'll be here 13 weeks.
525
00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,127
She's, like,
a single mom or something.
526
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,805
Hey.
527
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,762
I'm not a single mom,
by the way.
528
00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:36,348
I just look like one.
And I guess I dress like one.
529
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,808
No, I...
I wasn't talking about you.
530
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,019
- Then who were you talking about?
- Uh, my...
531
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,558
Cleaning lady.
532
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,476
Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?
533
00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:46,691
Yep. “Whatever.
534
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,197
Just so you know, I'd rather be
535
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,807
a diversity hire
than a nepotism hire
536
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,405
'cause at least
I had to beat out
537
00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:53,019
every minority
and woman to get here.
538
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:54,869
You just had to be born.
539
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,158
Hey, you know, one of my
grandparents was an immigrant.
540
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,042
This documentary was insane.
541
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:02,653
It said, basically,
we're all covered
542
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,337
in, like, tiny bugs and...
543
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:06,749
- Oh.
- No cupcakes today.
544
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:20,641
So, Molly, what is your deal?
545
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,774
Well, I am from central
Pennsylvania. I love to laugh.
546
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,775
No, boring.
Like, what do you hate?
547
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:28,278
What neighbourhood do you
live in? Who are you fucking?
548
00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:32,158
Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice.
549
00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:34,239
I live with my aunt
and uncle in queens.
550
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:37,246
And I'm not sleeping
with anybody.
551
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,477
- Where'd you go to school?
- Luzerne community college.
552
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,021
Loser community college?
553
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:43,607
Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really
sounded like you said "loser."
554
00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:45,859
- Yeah, but why would I say that?
- Don't listen to them.
555
00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,843
I dropped out of high school,
worked at the docks.
556
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:49,821
That's why I write
so many jokes about seagulls.
557
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:52,177
So what is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.
558
00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:54,384
We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.
559
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,998
Yeah, I'm head monologue writer.
560
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:59,059
You are? You hadn't mentioned it
in 10 minutes. I was worried.
561
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,719
Wait, so you all write
on the show
562
00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:02,638
and you've never been
to the stage?
563
00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,813
Ok. Ok. This is how it works.
564
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,228
The writers are supposed
to get here at 10:00.
565
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:10,771
Good morning.
566
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,235
I usually get here at 9:00.
567
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,865
Then we go into our offices
568
00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:16,197
and read the newspaper headlines
for joke ideas.
569
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:19,079
Some of us are a little more
focused than others.
570
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,449
Then we submit our jokes to
Brad, who makes his selects.
571
00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:23,493
- That's what makes it in the show.
- Here you go.
572
00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:26,208
I usually get some good
stuff in there. -Brad!
573
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:29,169
Then we meet up in the writers'
room to go over Brad's selects.
574
00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:31,834
Oh, kiss my ass!
575
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,879
Then at 6:30, the show starts
taping and we all watch.
576
00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:37,890
And that is how
we make a TV show.
577
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,472
So you never interact with her
once the entire day?
578
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,729
Until yesterday, most of us
hadn't even met her.
579
00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:47,900
Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.
580
00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,560
I thought this was
the women's room.
581
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,218
No, no. Wait, wait, wait. You're
right. It is the women's room.
582
00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:54,648
We just haven't had a woman
here in, like, ever.
583
00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:56,488
So, yeah, we use it.
584
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,618
- Doesn't Katherine mind?
- Are you kidding me?
585
00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:00,949
No, she doesn't come in here.
She has her own bathroom.
586
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,875
We actually... we come in here
to... to take a shit.
587
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,912
I don't understand anything
about this job.
588
00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:11,503
Well, you're right about
not being allowed on set.
589
00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:14,419
- It's fucked up.
- So why don't you say something?
590
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,632
Like,
"see something, say something"?
591
00:25:16,807 --> 00:25:20,095
Because it's not airport
security, Molly. It's a TV show.
592
00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:24,353
And she's not the, uh,
classy role model
593
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:27,265
you've been watching
on TV for 20 years.
594
00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,310
Hey, you know... you know what?
595
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:33,604
I'm doing stand-up
tomorrow night, alright?
596
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:36,615
Come see me.
We'll get a drink after.
597
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:46,245
Ok. Let's get going, everybody.
One, you're up.
598
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,706
I have an idea entitled
"Hollywood zoo."
599
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,917
It's animals
that look like celebrities.
600
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:52,422
- No.
- And...
601
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,174
Celebrities that look
like animals?
602
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:56,130
Can I? Ok.
603
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:58,762
"Shrimp my ride."
604
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:01,013
"Fancy pelosi."
605
00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:04,097
"Celebrity fitted-sheet
folding challenge."
606
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,602
Yeah, we worked
on that together.
607
00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:08,105
We have you and a celebrity
race to fold a fitted sheet.
608
00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,266
You know what? Forget it.
609
00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:12,810
Can I just remind everybody here
610
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:15,570
that the stakes
could not be higher?
611
00:26:15,741 --> 00:26:17,777
- Two, go.
- Uh, ok.
612
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:19,361
So the miss America pageant
613
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:21,618
and the westminster dog show
are both the same week.
614
00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:23,620
So I thought
why not combine the two?
615
00:26:23,791 --> 00:26:25,702
We ask the girls
to run around in a circle,
616
00:26:25,876 --> 00:26:27,516
we ask the dogs
their take on immigration.
617
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,702
Oh, the miss America pageant.
618
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,983
The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate
619
00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:34,919
to ask a beautiful teenager from
tampa who can't afford college
620
00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:37,155
but who can afford breast
implants about world peace.
621
00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:38,965
No, we're not gonna
be doing that.
622
00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:41,300
Where's John Phillips?
I want to hear his pitches.
623
00:26:41,475 --> 00:26:44,091
- Um...
- Um...
624
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:50,106
- What?
- Uh, John died in 2012.
625
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:51,731
John's dead? Are you kidding me?
626
00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:54,439
About the death
of our coworker? No.
627
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:56,023
Oh, that's terrible.
628
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:58,405
He was so funny. Yeah.
629
00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:00,281
Eight, what?
630
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:02,738
First of all,
I'm very sorry for your loss.
631
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:04,449
He sounded like
an incredible person.
632
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,830
Second, I'm really honoured
633
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,865
to be presenting
my ideas here today.
634
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,909
Oh, god, I wish
I was John Phillips.
635
00:27:11,088 --> 00:27:12,828
So I thought I would
take a step back
636
00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:14,542
and see what wasn't working.
637
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,172
This is what I do
at quality control
638
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,675
at the chemical plant, and I
thought I would do that here.
639
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:22,134
The headline of my analysis
is "complacency."
640
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:24,798
And I noticed that there's
three major areas
641
00:27:24,977 --> 00:27:26,617
where there could be
a lot of improvement.
642
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:28,726
The first is your
overall unwillingness
643
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:30,307
to do high-concept
recurring bits.
644
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,502
You know, where you have to
physically leave the studio.
645
00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:34,646
Those are the ones that can
go viral if executed well.
646
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:37,895
The second is your total lack
of presence on social media.
647
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:40,860
You seem to have contempt
for it, which feels ill-advised
648
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,571
because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.
649
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:45,701
The third -
I think people get very excited
650
00:27:45,873 --> 00:27:47,409
when you share your beliefs.
651
00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:49,602
So what you just said
about the miss America pageant,
652
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,036
that was awesome.
653
00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:53,122
When you reveal those kind
of strong opinions,
654
00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,288
it's when you really
come alive as a performer.
655
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,797
That's when I come alive
as a performer?
656
00:27:57,968 --> 00:27:59,583
- Yeah.
- Can I see that?
657
00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:01,592
Absolutely.
658
00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:05,464
I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached
659
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:07,223
to this idea
in any shape or form.
660
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:09,259
Thank you so much.
661
00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,349
Mm-hmm.
662
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:18,394
So what's the solution?
663
00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:20,608
Oh, I don't have one.
664
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:23,194
Just to be clear, you don't
have any new ideas or jokes?
665
00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,233
No.
666
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,698
Ok, I've been doing
this job for nearly 30 years
667
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:30,330
and I know what works and I'll
tell you what doesn't work -
668
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:32,854
an absurdly confident newcomer
coming in, criticising my show
669
00:28:32,878 --> 00:28:35,995
and giving me her assessment
of my comic persona
670
00:28:36,173 --> 00:28:39,006
without doing the hard work of
presenting me with solutions.
671
00:28:39,176 --> 00:28:40,962
This... this room is a ship.
672
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:42,592
I am the captain,
and you have barely
673
00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:44,173
earned the right to be an oar.
674
00:28:44,348 --> 00:28:47,465
Do I make myself clear, eight?
675
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,721
I have not changed.
676
00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:53,056
The audience has changed.
They don't want smart comedy.
677
00:28:53,190 --> 00:28:55,021
They want Kevin hart
on a slip 'n slide,
678
00:28:55,192 --> 00:28:56,712
so let's just give them
what they want.
679
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:58,851
Who's the most tacky
famous person out there?
680
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:00,860
- Reality star?
- No, a YouTube celebrity.
681
00:29:01,031 --> 00:29:03,693
There was one at the club I was
at last night. I got trampled.
682
00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:05,198
It was the most glamorous thing
683
00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,129
that's ever happened to me
in my entire life.
684
00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,390
Come on. We're not really
considering doing this, right?
685
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:10,904
- Mimi mismatch.
- Who?
686
00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:13,119
She is a YouTube star
who does comic sketches
687
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:14,773
in the basement
of her parents' house.
688
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:16,209
Oh, my god.
689
00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:18,120
- 25 million Twitter followers.
- Ok.
690
00:29:18,298 --> 00:29:20,098
My daughters are obsessed
with her. She, um...
691
00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:22,090
Just book her,
book her, book her.
692
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:35,266
Sorry.
693
00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:40,358
I really got to go.
694
00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:42,360
- Oh, god.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
695
00:29:42,531 --> 00:29:45,068
- Or I can... you can...
- I... ok, ok.
696
00:29:45,242 --> 00:29:46,948
Ok.
697
00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:53,576
Oh, my god.
698
00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:58,585
Ok.
699
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:02,838
This has to stop.
700
00:30:05,721 --> 00:30:07,712
I don't know.
701
00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,346
Maybe I should just move
back to Pennsylvania.
702
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:12,599
Can I give you some advice?
703
00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,305
You need to shut the fuck up.
704
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:15,844
Excuse me?
705
00:30:16,023 --> 00:30:17,979
If you hear something
you don't agree with,
706
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:20,687
you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.
707
00:30:20,861 --> 00:30:22,567
I will not be marginalised
708
00:30:22,738 --> 00:30:24,444
by the iron fist
of white privilege
709
00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:26,479
that pervades
this work environment.
710
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,023
I am not trying to silence
711
00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:30,613
your strong, female, Indian,
woman of colour spirit,
712
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,654
hashtag metoo, transisbeautiful,
blah, blah, blah.
713
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:36,539
You're still a new writer
with no experience.
714
00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:39,793
You need to stop giving advice
and write something.
715
00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:41,954
You're a writer, so write.
716
00:30:42,132 --> 00:30:44,544
- Ok.
- Come on.
717
00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:47,175
You get more work done on top
of the desk than under it.
718
00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:50,133
- It's gonna be alright.
- Thank you.
719
00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:52,548
Because of a coyote warning.
720
00:30:52,726 --> 00:30:54,486
Not to worry, though,
they managed to get out
721
00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:57,135
in the Nick of time, beep, beep.
722
00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,475
I don't...
I don't understand that.
723
00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:01,605
Um... Meep, meep! Meep, meep!
724
00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:04,689
- Burditt, what are they doing?
- Practising the monologue.
725
00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,903
- It's the road runner thing.
- Oh, the road runner,
726
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:09,777
- the enemy of wile e. Coyote?
- Yeah, exactly.
727
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,763
Today, while president bush
728
00:31:11,787 --> 00:31:15,120
underwent a medical procedure,
vice president dick Cheney
729
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:17,250
was acting president
for two hours and 15 minutes,
730
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:20,284
which is longer than any woman.
731
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,703
That's it. That's the joke.
732
00:31:32,182 --> 00:31:33,513
Ok, so I think we're good
733
00:31:33,683 --> 00:31:35,328
for the monologue,
unless I'm missing something.
734
00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:37,809
I have some jokes
for the monologue.
735
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:40,345
Uh, well, you don't
write the monologue.
736
00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,060
Yeah, but I wrote
some jokes for it.
737
00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:43,711
I have some ideas
for Katherine's hair.
738
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,771
- But that's not my job.
- Seven, shut up.
739
00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:47,652
Eight, for god's sake, go.
740
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:51,490
I shouldn't do this
in an english accent, should 1?
741
00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:53,400
No.
742
00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:55,489
Three republican senators
are proposing a bill
743
00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:57,370
to yet again defund
planned parenthood.
744
00:31:57,541 --> 00:32:00,157
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
745
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:01,729
are the ones getting laid
the least.
746
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,189
Inever thought I'd say this,
747
00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:04,853
but thank god I'm going
through menopause.
748
00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:06,291
Good lord, eight!
749
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:07,797
Well, you're the only
750
00:32:07,968 --> 00:32:09,737
late-night talk-show host
who can make that joke.
751
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,161
Plus, you're pro-choice,
aren't you?
752
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,049
I am. What do you think, seven?
753
00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:15,284
My philosophy is that the show
is generally better without
754
00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:17,708
the spectre of abortion in it,
but, you know, that's just me.
755
00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:19,597
I think it's audacious.
756
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:22,262
Do... do people really want
to hear about menopause?
757
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:23,851
'Cause I... I don't.
758
00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,765
- I kind of liked it.
- No, no.
759
00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:27,605
It is too political.
We don't do that.
760
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:29,315
We haven't done that in a while.
761
00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:30,820
Ok, so we'll start with fracking
762
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:32,527
and we work our way up
to abortion.
763
00:32:32,701 --> 00:32:35,283
People would talk about it,
for sure. And you believe it.
764
00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:39,405
It's a bit long. Trim it
and put it in the monologue.
765
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,116
Ok.
766
00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:46,713
To Vegas, 40 tourists were...
767
00:32:46,882 --> 00:32:48,588
Listen, you've written
it out with '40".
768
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,089
No, not make it bigger.
769
00:32:50,260 --> 00:32:51,796
- Make it...
- That's got to be a word.
770
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:53,690
- Yeah.
- Ok, but don't change it now.
771
00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:55,053
There's no point. Ok.
772
00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,783
Today, in Las Vegas,
40 tourists were...
773
00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:58,548
Burditt,
I'm going to the bathroom.
774
00:32:58,727 --> 00:33:00,558
You never have to tell me that.
775
00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,941
"Ll have spread my dreams
under your feet."
776
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:19,452
"Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
777
00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:21,454
Is that William Butler yeats?
778
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:23,581
Oh.
779
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:26,164
- Uh, yeah, it is.
- You're not supposed to be here.
780
00:33:26,338 --> 00:33:28,499
What?
781
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,124
Alright.
782
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,887
Mimi mismatch is here.
I got a selfie.
783
00:33:42,062 --> 00:33:44,553
Maybe now my daughters
will start talking to me again.
784
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:47,222
So you're doing
the planned parenthood joke?
785
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,891
Mm-hmm. -Be careful
of showing who you are.
786
00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:51,731
Once you turn that switch on,
787
00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:53,611
you can never turn it off again.
788
00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:03,913
Katherine newbury.
789
00:34:04,084 --> 00:34:05,665
Yeah.
790
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:09,327
And I have not seen anyone
so poorly received since I took
791
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:12,088
a peanut butter sandwich
into an elementary school.
792
00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:19,387
It was announced today
Starbucks will no longer
793
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,469
be requiring a purchase
to use their restrooms.
794
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:24,055
Oh, no! I'm worried
they might get disgusting.
795
00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:27,012
My joke's next.
796
00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,226
Yeah.
797
00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:36,571
So there's an owl that's been
798
00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,527
dive-bombing tourists
in Times Square.
799
00:34:38,702 --> 00:34:40,613
- She skipped it.
- Very dramatic.
800
00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:42,243
Not the only species angry
801
00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:44,174
about the price
of 'Hamilton' tickets, I see.
802
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,285
We're back. I'm excited.
803
00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:53,455
I'm here with YouTube
phenomenon Mimi mismatch.
804
00:34:59,139 --> 00:35:02,131
And the bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,
805
00:35:02,309 --> 00:35:05,642
was you with your dog...
Lenny, here he is.
806
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:08,303
And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt,
807
00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:11,063
and you pretend to faint.
808
00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:15,815
Because it smelled
real bad. Yeah.
809
00:35:15,989 --> 00:35:19,777
And, um, how on earth
did you come up with that?
810
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:22,112
My dog Lenny had colitis
811
00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:25,905
and for a while,
had a real smelly butt.
812
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,789
So I took my life,
and I filmed it,
813
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,202
because I find that the
best comedy comes from truth.
814
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:33,836
How wise.
815
00:35:34,007 --> 00:35:36,043
And these little videos of yours
816
00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:38,754
are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?
817
00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:42,091
Your way of pushing
mankind forward?
818
00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:43,926
Well, they're fun.
819
00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:47,217
What would you say
was your calling?
820
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:49,101
My calling?
821
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,433
Yes, I mean, what is it
you're most passionate about?
822
00:35:51,608 --> 00:35:54,350
Is it dog butt videos,
or would you ever expand
823
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:57,064
into... cat butt videos, say?
824
00:35:59,866 --> 00:36:01,356
I know what you're doing.
825
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,365
- Excuse me?
- You're mocking me.
826
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:06,494
You think that because
my videos are light and silly
827
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:09,077
that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?
828
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:11,332
The only reason that I said yes
to this talk show
829
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:13,334
is because my mom said
you were smart.
830
00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,541
But now I see that
you are just a bitter,
831
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:17,675
out of touch, old lady...
832
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:19,753
Go, go! Go, go, go,
go, go, go, go.
833
00:36:19,928 --> 00:36:21,648
The fact of the matter is
834
00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:23,712
is that you need me,
not the other way around.
835
00:36:23,890 --> 00:36:27,007
Bye!
836
00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:30,260
Uh, I don't know.
837
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:32,278
- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you not prep her?
838
00:36:34,317 --> 00:36:35,837
- Who here is good at sex?
- Yeah!
839
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:37,585
Oh, alright, ok.
840
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:41,688
Now, I think that
we're all about the same.
841
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:45,358
Alright, 'cause the truth is
there are, like, 10 sex acts.
842
00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:47,994
And if you're... if you're
an average American guy,
843
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:50,075
you only need to do
the first five.
844
00:36:50,250 --> 00:36:52,957
If that thought is entering your
head, "I'm gonna go to six."
845
00:36:53,128 --> 00:36:54,743
"I'm going..." Especially you.
846
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:57,082
Do not go to six.
847
00:36:57,257 --> 00:37:01,341
'Cause everybody's
number six is different.
848
00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:04,344
- What was your favourite part?
- You assumed I had one?
849
00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:06,220
Yeah. I was watching you,
and you liked it.
850
00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:09,929
I did like it. I... I like
how relaxed you were.
851
00:37:10,103 --> 00:37:12,014
Like you're not doing it
for them.
852
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,644
You know,
you're doing it for you.
853
00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:15,851
I've never been relaxed
a day in my life.
854
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:17,686
No, I know,
you're the hardest worker
855
00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:19,192
I've ever met, besides Tom,
856
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:21,478
which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.
857
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:23,442
Well, he shouldn't be.
Katherine cut my joke.
858
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,698
It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.
859
00:37:25,869 --> 00:37:27,734
Oh, god. Oh, no, no, no, no.
860
00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:29,777
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
861
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,618
That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.
862
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,454
Also, um, get ready for this.
863
00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:38,290
Like, you'll spend all day
writing 50 jokes,
864
00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:41,707
and they'll cut all of them,
and you will have achieved
865
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:45,548
as much as if you just stayed
at home and called in sick.
866
00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,087
Ok.
867
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,221
- So let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.
868
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:51,178
- Never use the women's restroom.
- Mm-hmm.
869
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,992
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
870
00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:54,666
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't decorate your office.
871
00:37:54,731 --> 00:37:56,312
And be fine being
completely obsolete.
872
00:37:56,483 --> 00:37:58,223
So just don't enjoy your job.
873
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:01,814
- Uh, exactly. Yeah.
- Huh.
874
00:38:01,988 --> 00:38:04,024
Oh, Tom tells me
you do stand-up.
875
00:38:04,199 --> 00:38:05,814
- Are you good?
- Oh, no, no.
876
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:08,108
It's just a way for me
to test out material.
877
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,824
I am emceeing a show soon.
It's a benefit for lung cancer.
878
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:13,579
That's random.
879
00:38:14,626 --> 00:38:16,708
Not really. My dad died from it.
880
00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:18,709
Oh, fuck.
881
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,620
Uh, were you close?
882
00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,289
With my father? “Well...
883
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:23,947
- Yeah, I was. I was.
- Fuck!
884
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,963
- Now I feel I bad. I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
885
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:28,503
Do you need a good-looking,
886
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,923
moderately funny stand-up
to close out the night?
887
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,966
- Walit, really?
- Do you know any?
888
00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:35,931
That would be amazing.
889
00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:37,720
Why would you do that for me?
890
00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:40,481
- Because I'm a nice guy.
- Ok, I know you're not.
891
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:42,893
Look, I know what everyone
thinks of me.
892
00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:45,232
But just because I was
lucky enough to get this job
893
00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:47,046
doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.
894
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:48,981
So if you think
you can sleep with me
895
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,651
'cause you're not gonna see me
after 3 months, you're mistaken.
896
00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:54,617
Who said anything
about sleeping together?
897
00:38:59,087 --> 00:39:01,794
Ok. Thank you.
I had a nice time.
898
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,546
"Thank you"? Wait, whoa, whoa.
899
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:05,502
Wait, wait. Where are
you going? Come over.
900
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:08,635
Oh. No. No.
Thank you. Thank you.
901
00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:10,295
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
902
00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:12,259
Uh, yeah, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
903
00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,094
- We... we can do this dance.
- Dance?
904
00:39:14,269 --> 00:39:15,975
Yeah, you won't
sleep with me now,
905
00:39:16,145 --> 00:39:17,760
but you will in three weeks.
906
00:39:17,939 --> 00:39:19,645
That's... I get it.
It's a feminist thing.
907
00:39:19,816 --> 00:39:22,558
Are you kidding?
Has this ever worked before?
908
00:39:25,947 --> 00:39:27,403
Oh, no.
909
00:39:27,574 --> 00:39:28,984
What?
910
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:31,615
The Mimi interview
went viral in a bad way.
911
00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:39,036
You are just a bitter,
out of touch, old lady
912
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:41,952
who's mean to people she's
never even met before, and...
913
00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:50,668
The Mimi thing will blow over.
914
00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:52,963
Am I like
your least favourite aunt?
915
00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,132
All my aunts are dead.
916
00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:00,136
I need a publicist.
917
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,725
Making you accessible
918
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:03,811
to the average American,
that's what I do best.
919
00:40:03,985 --> 00:40:06,522
I told Leo, "you want an Oscar?
Fight a bear."
920
00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,966
You're not above the American
public or looking down at them.
921
00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:10,446
You are one of them.
922
00:40:10,617 --> 00:40:12,469
- You're America's SWEETHEART, BABY.
- Hah!
923
00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:14,555
But you got to put in face time
with these journalists.
924
00:40:14,579 --> 00:40:16,899
They don't wanna talk to me,
they don't wanna talk to Brad.
925
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,480
- No offence.
- Yeah, no. None taken.
926
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,227
- I've been told I have no charisma.
- Exactly.
927
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,116
So what if we threw a party
928
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:24,160
at your house
and invited the press?
929
00:40:24,339 --> 00:40:26,079
They could see you
in your element.
930
00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:28,748
You are not some cold witch
who hates children.
931
00:40:28,927 --> 00:40:30,838
You're cosy and domestic.
932
00:40:31,012 --> 00:40:32,718
I don't entertain.
You're an entertainer.
933
00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:34,845
I'm bad at small talk.
You're a talk-show host.
934
00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:37,119
- I'm not a people person.
- Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.
935
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:38,679
If you want to turn
this ship around,
936
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,093
you're gonna have to be.
937
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,262
How do you feel
about extensions?
938
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,728
Holy shit, honey.
939
00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:54,281
Oh, what am I doing here?
940
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,534
That's right. What's up, baby?
941
00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:58,160
- Yes!
- Hey, Daniel.
942
00:40:58,331 --> 00:40:59,821
Daniel, you're funny, man.
943
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:02,081
Is that, um,
that comedian, Daniel...
944
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,661
- Daniel tennant.
- Hmm.
945
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:06,293
Billy kastner's done
amazing things with his career.
946
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:07,829
You're welcome, americal
947
00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:09,338
Oh.
948
00:41:09,509 --> 00:41:11,069
We're gonna get you
some face time.
949
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:12,963
You got to just,
you know, be cool about it.
950
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,051
Steve Martin gave it to her.
Costs more than my apartment.
951
00:41:21,229 --> 00:41:23,561
It's so beautiful.
952
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,347
- Mm.
- Is that a tag?
953
00:41:26,526 --> 00:41:27,982
Hmm? No.
954
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:30,359
- Well...
- Oh, god.
955
00:41:30,530 --> 00:41:31,895
Fuck.
956
00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,779
Um, what are you doing
after this?
957
00:41:35,034 --> 00:41:36,615
I don't know.
958
00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,572
But I... I will keep you posted.
959
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,490
- Hello.
- Oh, god.
960
00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:46,500
- I thought you could use this.
- Oh, I could.
961
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,835
I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.
962
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,126
- Is it obvious?
- Very. Yeah.
963
00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:56,339
It's... it's the same
smile you had
964
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,274
when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.
965
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:01,252
Thank you so much
for reminding me.
966
00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:03,114
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Yeah.
967
00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:06,020
I was... yeah, I was
wondering if I'd get a...
968
00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:07,646
A chance to talk to you alone.
969
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,273
Stop it, Charlie.
It was a mistake.
970
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:11,059
And it'll never happen again.
971
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,480
And that's how I got involved
in that charity.
972
00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,819
I'm gonna go talk
to some other people.
973
00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:21,444
- Oh! -Oh, god.
- Oh, shit.
974
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,238
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I just got this blazer.
975
00:42:24,417 --> 00:42:26,123
I need it for "lampoon"
hazing next week.
976
00:42:26,294 --> 00:42:28,285
Hayes, remember Molly? Yes!
977
00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:30,749
Hey, I'm so happy
that you got that job.
978
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:33,335
It's really cool they did that.
It's important.
979
00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:34,999
Yeah, I think it's important
980
00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:38,090
that they hire the funniest,
most qualified people too.
981
00:43:02,163 --> 00:43:03,949
Damn it.
982
00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,368
Can I help you?
983
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:12,753
Uh, sorry, I just thought
this was an empty room.
984
00:43:12,924 --> 00:43:14,585
Why were you looking
for an empty room?
985
00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:18,047
Uh, just to be alone
for a minute.
986
00:43:18,221 --> 00:43:19,757
Not to steal anything.
987
00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:22,638
Uh, although you have a lot
of really nice stuff in here.
988
00:43:22,809 --> 00:43:25,300
I'm not a thief, though.
My name is Molly.
989
00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:27,343
Hello, Molly, who's not a thief.
990
00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:29,979
I know who you are, by the way.
991
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,889
You're Walter lovell.
992
00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:34,901
It's such an honour to meet you.
You were one of the greats.
993
00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:37,813
"Were." Jesus Christ.
Oh, no, no.
994
00:43:37,990 --> 00:43:40,606
No, I mean, you're still
amazing.
995
00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:43,367
I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at nyu?
996
00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,766
"Emeritus" is what they call you
when you're not dead yet,
997
00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:47,701
but they don't want you
to come in.
998
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:51,158
I actually know
what that's like.
999
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:54,079
I write on the show. Your wife
doesn't like me very much.
1000
00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:55,997
- Mm.
- Why aren't you downstairs
1001
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:57,585
with the rest of the party?
1002
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,250
I think people have
a better time
1003
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:02,716
when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.
1004
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,175
It's called neuropathy.
1005
00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:07,183
One of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.
1006
00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:09,719
A piece of advice -
don't marry a man
1007
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,889
until he gives you
a complete genetic profile.
1008
00:44:13,067 --> 00:44:15,308
Luckily for me, there is
1009
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,272
literally no interest
from any man.
1010
00:44:17,446 --> 00:44:20,062
About Katherine -
1011
00:44:20,241 --> 00:44:22,152
be useful.
1012
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:26,569
Make it so that even if she
doesn't like you, she needs you.
1013
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:32,120
If it's ok with you, I'd like
to stay here a little while
1014
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:33,956
and just listen to you play.
1015
00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:36,086
Alright.
1016
00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,381
You have said "the only true
meritocracy is in comedy."
1017
00:44:44,515 --> 00:44:45,846
Indeed, yes.
1018
00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,703
I mean, it doesn't matter
where you're from,
1019
00:44:47,727 --> 00:44:49,843
what you look like, how much
money your parents have.
1020
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:52,137
Funny is funny,
and that's meritocracy.
1021
00:44:52,315 --> 00:44:55,102
As long as you're white, male,
from an elite college, right?
1022
00:44:55,276 --> 00:44:57,396
Because that's all your
writing staff is comprised of.
1023
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:01,066
I write on the show.
1024
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:03,947
And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.
1025
00:45:04,118 --> 00:45:05,638
Tell me, does Katherine
know your name?
1026
00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:07,910
I heard she refers
to the writers by number.
1027
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:13,123
I am called eight
because Katherine said
1028
00:45:13,294 --> 00:45:15,285
she couldn't be bothered
to learn everyone's name,
1029
00:45:15,463 --> 00:45:17,249
so she just pointed
at the writers
1030
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,209
and shouted numbers
and named me eight.
1031
00:45:22,011 --> 00:45:24,718
Yeah, she also keeps us
in cages and doesn't feed us.
1032
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:29,758
But she does let us
go to the bathroom once a day.
1033
00:45:29,936 --> 00:45:31,517
No, of course
she knows our names.
1034
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,099
My name is Molly.
You have some bad information.
1035
00:45:34,273 --> 00:45:36,605
Yes, you do.
This is, of course, Molly.
1036
00:45:36,776 --> 00:45:38,767
- Hi. Hello, Brad.
- Everybody, make some room.
1037
00:45:38,945 --> 00:45:40,230
Mm...
1038
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,315
One of the writers, everybody.
1039
00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:44,902
- Hi.
- How would you describe Molly?
1040
00:45:45,076 --> 00:45:46,566
Molly? Molly...
1041
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,735
Molly is... ooh.
1042
00:45:48,913 --> 00:45:51,199
She said I was
a vibrant splash of colour
1043
00:45:51,374 --> 00:45:54,457
on the grey canvas
of our writing staff.
1044
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:56,288
- I was really touched.
- Mm.
1045
00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:58,622
Then she said something to
me that I will never forget.
1046
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,877
She said to me that despite
our very different backgrounds,
1047
00:46:02,051 --> 00:46:05,134
that I reminded her
of a younger her.
1048
00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:07,044
- Younger me.
- Isn't that wonderful?
1049
00:46:07,223 --> 00:46:09,259
I mean...
1050
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,424
- Huge.
- Mm.
1051
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:13,455
You know what? Everybody's
gonna want to get this.
1052
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,016
Let's get a picture of Katherine
1053
00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:18,306
and her beautiful
Indian protégé...
1054
00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:19,849
Molly.
1055
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,730
Oh. You guys getting that?
1056
00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:28,240
Thank you.
1057
00:46:28,411 --> 00:46:30,652
Yeah, it's pretty good.
1058
00:46:30,830 --> 00:46:32,661
Oh, I think it's going
beautifully.
1059
00:46:32,832 --> 00:46:35,073
- Mm-hmm.
- You haven't killed anybody yet.
1060
00:46:35,251 --> 00:46:36,728
Nope.
1061
00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:38,242
But it's still early.
1062
00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:44,707
You want to come over?
1063
00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:47,126
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, excuse me.
1064
00:46:47,305 --> 00:46:49,466
Thank you.
1065
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:53,474
Oh. Three weeks. Right on time.
1066
00:46:53,644 --> 00:46:55,134
Wait, really?
1067
00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:57,850
No, I just set that
before I came over.
1068
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,310
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Come on.
1069
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:02,099
- Billy kastner!
- Hey.
1070
00:47:02,278 --> 00:47:04,519
I guess everybody can get
invited to this party.
1071
00:47:04,697 --> 00:47:06,107
Uh, I would like
1072
00:47:06,282 --> 00:47:07,943
to introduce you two
to Danny tennant.
1073
00:47:08,117 --> 00:47:09,482
Danny, Walter lovell.
1074
00:47:09,660 --> 00:47:11,446
Hey, man. How you doing, Walter?
1075
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:12,700
And, of course... “Wow.
1076
00:47:12,872 --> 00:47:14,362
Katherine newbury. Wow.
1077
00:47:14,540 --> 00:47:15,825
Classiest couple
in New York City
1078
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,400
since Diane Sawyer
and Mike Nichols.
1079
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:18,996
Danny here,
very funny, very famous,
1080
00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:21,752
and currently, every female
co-ed in the United States
1081
00:47:21,922 --> 00:47:23,412
wants to lose
their virginity to him.
1082
00:47:23,591 --> 00:47:24,956
Stop. That's... just half.
1083
00:47:25,134 --> 00:47:26,590
- Hmm.
- That's gonna keep you busy.
1084
00:47:26,761 --> 00:47:29,093
Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am such a fan.
1085
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:31,595
I mean, you were such an
inspiration for me growing up.
1086
00:47:31,766 --> 00:47:33,381
And your comedy is so smart.
1087
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:35,265
I'll be watching your show
and I have to,
1088
00:47:35,436 --> 00:47:37,039
like, look up half the words
you're saying.
1089
00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:39,054
That's so kind.
1090
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,938
Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?
1091
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,974
- Um...
- You know, from your stand-up.
1092
00:47:44,153 --> 00:47:47,065
At parties, you like to take
a shit in other people's shoes.
1093
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:48,999
That's from the special.
You saw the special.
1094
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,802
- Yeah, well...
- Remember that?
1095
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,191
"Diarrhoea!" -
1096
00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:54,702
did you enjoy talking
to my writing staff?
1097
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,784
- Yes. Talented guys.
- They are.
1098
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,823
Charlie fain, especially.
1099
00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:03,210
So, Danny, what's next for you?
Prank show on mtv?
1100
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,181
Or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?
1101
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:06,630
No, I think, actually,
1102
00:48:06,801 --> 00:48:08,507
I'm gonna take
a little bit of time off,
1103
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:10,668
you know,
and work on some new material
1104
00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,087
and just kind of kick around
some new ideas and stuff.
1105
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:14,993
You're at the height
of your stand-up career,
1106
00:48:15,017 --> 00:48:16,632
and you're stopping
to kick around ideas?
1107
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,386
Yeah.
1108
00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:24,015
Oh.
1109
00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:25,854
Daniel tennant?!
1110
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,644
You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking tennant?!
1111
00:48:28,823 --> 00:48:30,279
We're in negotiations with him.
1112
00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:32,110
Thank you, Margaret.
You cannot do this.
1113
00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:33,762
We are working
on something back there.
1114
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:35,868
- You have to give us a chance.
- You had a chance.
1115
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:38,529
That's what 10 years
of ratings decline is.
1116
00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:40,322
Look, you can make it easy
for yourself.
1117
00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:42,366
You can welcome him in,
make it seem like
1118
00:48:42,545 --> 00:48:44,661
you were part of the decision,
or it can be hard.
1119
00:48:44,839 --> 00:48:46,545
The choice is
entirely up to you.
1120
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,501
Believe me,
I take no pleasure in this.
1121
00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:50,337
Oh, for god's sake,
do me the courtesy
1122
00:48:50,511 --> 00:48:52,297
of at least not lying
to my face.
1123
00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:54,757
Fine. I take a
great deal of pleasure in this.
1124
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:57,799
Katherine, did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?
1125
00:48:57,977 --> 00:48:59,183
No.
1126
00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:00,953
Do you think I should
think you're funny,
1127
00:49:01,105 --> 00:49:02,641
as President of the network
you're on?
1128
00:49:02,815 --> 00:49:04,931
I've seen six presidents
of this network
1129
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:06,849
come and go
while I've been here.
1130
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,860
Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability!
1131
00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:11,736
You didn't answer my question.
1132
00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:14,865
If you're asking me if I've
ever respected your taste,
1133
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:17,617
then the answer,
Caroline, is no.
1134
00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:20,450
And if you want
to replace me with a meme -
1135
00:49:20,624 --> 00:49:22,410
a t-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia
1136
00:49:22,585 --> 00:49:24,166
and, by the way,
his hatred of women
1137
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:26,952
behind a congenial
frat-boy persona -
1138
00:49:27,131 --> 00:49:29,042
just to make yourself
seem relevant,
1139
00:49:29,216 --> 00:49:30,797
then, by all means,
you go ahead.
1140
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,584
But I will not allow you to
destroy the show that I built.
1141
00:49:51,447 --> 00:49:53,007
You know what's funny,
remember how kids
1142
00:49:53,032 --> 00:49:55,093
used to have those, like,
little games in their pocket?
1143
00:49:55,117 --> 00:49:56,997
We passed on that.
1144
00:49:57,036 --> 00:49:58,526
Oh...
1145
00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:00,865
Where are you going?
1146
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,247
Oh, uh, four and I have
that charity comedy event.
1147
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,658
- I'm the emcee.
- Well, you're not going.
1148
00:50:05,836 --> 00:50:08,452
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
It starts in 30 minutes.
1149
00:50:08,631 --> 00:50:10,337
And there would be no one
to replace me.
1150
00:50:10,508 --> 00:50:12,988
And who's going to be replacing
you here? Look around the room.
1151
00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,963
All these guys are staying.
Four's not going.
1152
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,095
Molly, it's not worth it.
1153
00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:20,756
I would listen to that.
That's pretty good advice.
1154
00:50:22,478 --> 00:50:25,185
I have stayed late
every single night this month.
1155
00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,096
It's for a charity.
1156
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:29,686
- I'm sorry, I'm very torn.
- Well, you shouldn't be torn.
1157
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,671
You shouldn't be letting me
know that you're torn.
1158
00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:33,548
You can't just download
your emotional state onto me
1159
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:36,405
and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you!
1160
00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:39,984
"Upload." “what?
1161
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,073
Uh, it's... it's
"upload your emotional state."
1162
00:50:42,248 --> 00:50:43,863
So if, um...
If you take something
1163
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,451
off the Internet,
that's "download."
1164
00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:47,287
If you put something on,
that's "upload."
1165
00:50:47,461 --> 00:50:49,147
So, like, if this conversation
were the Internet...
1166
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:52,038
Shut up, seven. What the fuck?
Yeah.
1167
00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:55,253
Eight, if you leave,
don't come back.
1168
00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:00,672
I made a commitment. I'm sorry.
1169
00:51:03,978 --> 00:51:06,469
Ok. Ok.
1170
00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,207
- Ok, so...
- Yeah, continue.
1171
00:51:10,651 --> 00:51:12,437
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me the line-up.
1172
00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:14,272
Thank you.
1173
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:24,615
Ok, so...
Ok, so here's the pitch.
1174
00:51:24,790 --> 00:51:27,998
You are a pirate. It's 1860s.
1175
00:51:34,008 --> 00:51:35,418
Yeah, no, I mean, it's like...
1176
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,953
Well, if it's, like, she's got
the parrot on her shoulder...
1177
00:51:38,012 --> 00:51:39,343
Right.
1178
00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,049
My day sucked.
1179
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,965
I was fired from my job.
No, yeah.
1180
00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:45,758
Really, really,
like, 15 minutes ago.
1181
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:49,849
I was actually fired for coming
here to be with you guys.
1182
00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:51,764
And now, looking out
in the audience,
1183
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,728
I'm not sure
I made the right decision.
1184
00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:57,610
No, but really,
I got fired, and, um,
1185
00:51:57,781 --> 00:51:59,396
I didn't think
that was possible.
1186
00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:01,611
I mean, look at me, guys.
1187
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,324
Look. I am a dark-skinned
Indian woman.
1188
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,454
Aren't I unfireable?
1189
00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:10,867
I mean, I'm a token,
for god's sakes. You don't...
1190
00:52:11,045 --> 00:52:12,660
Why is this for lung cancer?
1191
00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:14,920
I think the emcee girl's
dad died from it.
1192
00:52:15,090 --> 00:52:16,671
Who's the emcee?
1193
00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:18,958
- I think she works at colbert.
- She works for me.
1194
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:21,156
Now I'm convincing myself
that I should've been fired.
1195
00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:22,545
Thank you so much for being here
1196
00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:24,683
and thank you for coming out
for this great cause.
1197
00:52:24,767 --> 00:52:28,180
Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...
1198
00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,978
Our next performer, uh, uh...
1199
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:38,565
Ok, this is surprising
for a variety of reasons.
1200
00:52:38,739 --> 00:52:41,697
Our next performer is
Katherine newbury, everyone.
1201
00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:48,363
Thanks. Thank you. Thank you.
1202
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,577
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1203
00:52:53,754 --> 00:52:56,461
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Now shut up.
1204
00:52:57,716 --> 00:53:00,628
So I joined Twitter. I didn't
want to. My publicist made me.
1205
00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:03,340
And... I was ok at first.
1206
00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,379
I was, with the twittering
and the tweeting.
1207
00:53:05,557 --> 00:53:07,297
But do you know
where it lost me?
1208
00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:10,309
Fave-ing. Fave-ing.
1209
00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:14,188
Because "fave" is short
for "favourite," right?
1210
00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:17,350
But you can only have
one favourite.
1211
00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:18,734
You can only have one.
1212
00:53:18,904 --> 00:53:21,145
You can't have lots
of favourites. It's stupid.
1213
00:53:22,658 --> 00:53:25,525
Faves. Faves. They can't
all be your favourite.
1214
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,443
It's stupid.
1215
00:53:32,126 --> 00:53:35,744
Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.
1216
00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:38,958
So that's not working.
1217
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,921
Well, shit, guys.
1218
00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:47,967
I don't know. I just don't know.
1219
00:53:49,518 --> 00:53:54,638
I guess that's why they're
taking my show away from me.
1220
00:53:54,815 --> 00:53:57,227
Yeah. “Whoa.
1221
00:53:57,401 --> 00:53:59,141
Yeah, that's happening.
1222
00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:04,108
They're taking my show away
and the thing is...
1223
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:13,159
The thing is
if they take my show away,
1224
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,825
I do not know
what I am going to do.
1225
00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:22,255
I am a woman in my 50s
in Hollywood.
1226
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,050
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
1227
00:54:26,221 --> 00:54:29,839
In Hollywood,
what am I going to do?
1228
00:54:33,896 --> 00:54:36,012
You know what? I've got it.
1229
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:39,606
I could play
Sean penn's grandmother
1230
00:54:39,777 --> 00:54:41,938
in the movie where he
is married to Emma stone.
1231
00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:45,229
His childhood sweetheart.
1232
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:48,982
It's so unfair. I mean, Tom
cruise is the same age as me.
1233
00:54:49,161 --> 00:54:52,073
We're the same age. He gets to
fight the mummy. I am the mummy.
1234
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:53,725
You know what? No, no, no.
1235
00:54:53,749 --> 00:54:55,080
I'm too old to play the mummy.
1236
00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:57,010
They'd get Anne hathaway in
to play the mummy
1237
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,487
and put, like,
mummy makeup on her.
1238
00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:01,587
Probably gonna have to have a
face-lift just to do voice work.
1239
00:55:01,757 --> 00:55:04,294
I'm gonna have to have,
like, Botox and lip filler
1240
00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:07,926
just to play the voice of a
wise old tree in a pixar movie.
1241
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,633
You know when you're watching
an awards show,
1242
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:12,208
and they play
people off with music,
1243
00:55:12,351 --> 00:55:14,071
you know, when they've
gone on for too long?
1244
00:55:14,228 --> 00:55:16,640
I feel like that's what they're
doing to my life right now,
1245
00:55:16,814 --> 00:55:18,395
just, "get off! Time to die."
1246
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:20,226
"Just fuck off."
1247
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,516
"Take that old face and just go."
1248
00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:25,026
"Go sit.
Go sit in the dark somewhere."
1249
00:55:25,197 --> 00:55:27,028
"You remind us all
of our ex-wives."
1250
00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:29,235
"Weah. The older ones."
1251
00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:32,651
Thank you. Yeah.
1252
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:35,196
I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.
1253
00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:46,673
Thank you, Dee, so very much.
1254
00:55:46,844 --> 00:55:48,960
- Get in the car.
- Ok.
1255
00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,219
She's coming back.
She's coming back!
1256
00:55:51,390 --> 00:55:53,221
Come on, come on, you guys.
1257
00:55:55,227 --> 00:55:57,183
Don't push me. Don't push me.
1258
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,310
She's coming back!
1259
00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:01,972
- Uh, um...
- Uh...
1260
00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,235
Hey, hey. Look who's back.
1261
00:56:07,406 --> 00:56:08,612
Oh, my god!
1262
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,738
- Hey.
- Hey.
1263
00:56:10,909 --> 00:56:12,865
This is my fault.
1264
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:15,652
You were too scared to tell me
what you really think,
1265
00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:18,288
and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.
1266
00:56:20,502 --> 00:56:23,994
I am the only woman in
late-night network television,
1267
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,756
but I have been doing the same
format and the same jokes -
1268
00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:31,544
hell, even the same cadences -
as some of these other guys.
1269
00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:33,908
What are you saying? You want
more jokes about female issues?
1270
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:35,547
No, seven, I'm not asking you
1271
00:56:35,726 --> 00:56:37,326
to write me a tight five
on menstruation.
1272
00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,718
I just want to say only things
I can talk about.
1273
00:56:39,897 --> 00:56:41,307
Nothing is off-limits.
1274
00:56:41,481 --> 00:56:43,767
If you think it's funny, I don't
care how personal it is.
1275
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,898
I am a 56-year-old englishwoman
1276
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:49,061
who has never given birth
or seen a superhero film.
1277
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:50,775
Write to that.
You cannot offend me.
1278
00:56:50,949 --> 00:56:53,281
If you don't know enough
about me, come and talk to me.
1279
00:56:53,452 --> 00:56:55,192
I swear I will not
scream at you.
1280
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:58,112
I want it to be specific
and I want it to be political.
1281
00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:00,076
I'm gonna do
the abortion joke tomorrow.
1282
00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:02,250
And, seven, she's writing
monologue jokes with you.
1283
00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:04,873
Sorry. I'm not a screenwriting
course at the jfk radisson.
1284
00:57:05,047 --> 00:57:07,328
I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.
1285
00:57:07,466 --> 00:57:09,426
No, I hate
to break this to you, seven,
1286
00:57:09,593 --> 00:57:11,112
but you're not gonna
be teaching anything,
1287
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,377
because I want someone
who doesn't think in exactly
1288
00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:15,515
the same way as everyone else
in the goddamn room.
1289
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,322
So she's writing
monologue jokes with you.
1290
00:57:17,476 --> 00:57:19,683
Listen to me,
no matter what you hear,
1291
00:57:19,853 --> 00:57:23,971
online, from your agents,
wherever, believe only this -
1292
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:28,313
this is my show and I'm not
going fucking anywhere.
1293
00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:31,354
Thank you. Thank you so much.
1294
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,362
We've got a great show
for you tonight.
1295
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,898
More good news from Washington.
1296
00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:37,864
Three republican senators
have yet again proposed
1297
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:40,450
a bill to defund
planned parenthood.
1298
00:57:40,624 --> 00:57:43,832
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
1299
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:45,833
are the ones getting laid
the least.
1300
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,166
I never thought I'd say this,
1301
00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:50,981
but thank god
I'm going through menopause.
1302
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:03,468
What exactly is wrong
with my bits?
1303
00:58:03,647 --> 00:58:05,183
To be honest,
1304
00:58:05,357 --> 00:58:07,598
you're a little old
and a little white.
1305
00:58:07,776 --> 00:58:09,858
Ok. Those are facts.
1306
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:12,269
What the fuck
can I do about that?
1307
00:58:13,907 --> 00:58:16,990
So recently someone
accused me of being,
1308
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:20,197
quote, "a little bit old
and a little bit white,"
1309
00:58:20,372 --> 00:58:23,330
to which I responded,
"I'm very old and very white."
1310
00:58:23,500 --> 00:58:25,991
I never do things halfway.
1311
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,034
But what can a person like me
do about that?
1312
00:58:28,213 --> 00:58:30,499
If I try and fix it,
I can come across
1313
00:58:30,674 --> 00:58:32,881
as trying to be some sort
of white saviour.
1314
00:58:33,051 --> 00:58:34,587
Then I decided
I was ok with that,
1315
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:38,470
so let me introduce you
to a new series on 'tonight' -
1316
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,631
"Katherine newbury,
white saviour."
1317
00:58:40,809 --> 00:58:42,970
My name is Katherine newbury.
Do you watch my show?
1318
00:58:43,145 --> 00:58:44,555
- No.
- Nah.
1319
00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,472
Ok. Well, that's demoralising.
1320
00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:49,981
Could you tell me if there's
been any instance recently
1321
00:58:50,152 --> 00:58:52,234
where you feel that you've been
treated differently
1322
00:58:52,404 --> 00:58:53,860
because of the way you look?
1323
00:58:54,031 --> 00:58:56,522
- Yeah.
- I feel like I can never hail a cab.
1324
00:58:56,700 --> 00:58:59,032
You feel like you can
never hail a cab?
1325
00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:01,318
Let's see what we can do
about that.
1326
00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:06,031
Here we go. Ah.
1327
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:07,449
Hey, um...
1328
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:09,107
I actually didn't need
to go anywhere.
1329
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,999
That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviours work.
1330
00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:21,012
I don't understand
why people wouldn't want
1331
00:59:21,183 --> 00:59:23,890
to get to know about
great journalists and writers.
1332
00:59:24,061 --> 00:59:26,302
Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.
1333
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:29,472
And now your host,
Katherine newbury.
1334
00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:32,231
Now, you are in a show
1335
00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:34,939
about teen vampires
called 'Van Helsing prep...
1336
00:59:36,615 --> 00:59:38,901
And you play a character
called Lydia stoker.
1337
00:59:39,076 --> 00:59:42,614
I can see they did a lot...
A lot of research for this.
1338
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,742
It's... it's silly.
Whatever. It's for teens.
1339
00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:48,908
She actually seems very smart.
1340
00:59:49,086 --> 00:59:50,772
Even though
she's always in a bikini,
1341
00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:53,149
- which doesn't even really make sense.
- I'd watch that show.
1342
00:59:53,173 --> 00:59:54,959
- I'll start to watch that show.
- Mm-hmm.
1343
00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:57,089
Kind of a guilty pleasure?
1344
00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,751
Well, you know what I think?
1345
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,597
There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures,
1346
01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:05,303
only pleasures,
1347
01:00:05,477 --> 01:00:08,890
and I think "Van Helsing prep'
is a real pleasure."
1348
01:00:09,064 --> 01:00:10,520
You've seen it? Yes!
1349
01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:12,021
And your character
is reminiscent
1350
01:00:12,192 --> 01:00:14,308
of 'Tess of the d'urbervilles'.
1351
01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,236
I... what I mean is
that it is, um...
1352
01:00:18,406 --> 01:00:19,771
It's very hard to pull off.
1353
01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:22,441
Thank you so much
for saying that.
1354
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,951
I mean, I haven't
seen every episode.
1355
01:00:25,122 --> 01:00:26,612
Can I hug you?
1356
01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:29,873
- I... sorry?
- Hug you?
1357
01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,159
- She wants to hug you.
- Hug her!
1358
01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:34,419
Um, yeah, sure.
1359
01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:39,716
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Aww!
1360
01:00:39,886 --> 01:00:41,547
Heavens to Betsy!
1361
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:44,212
There, there, there.
There, there.
1362
01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:46,757
- Hey.
- Burditt's outside smoking.
1363
01:00:46,935 --> 01:00:49,221
No, I came to talk to you
about a bit.
1364
01:00:49,396 --> 01:00:51,512
Katherine helps people complain
1365
01:00:51,690 --> 01:00:53,100
about a messed-up
meal kwik order?
1366
01:00:53,275 --> 01:00:54,981
I don't even know
if it's a thing yet.
1367
01:00:55,152 --> 01:00:57,438
- But you wanna work on it with me?
- With me?
1368
01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,022
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, my god.
1369
01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:00,842
Yeah, of course, of course.
Please. Come in.
1370
01:01:00,866 --> 01:01:02,197
Welcome. I'll go get a chair.
1371
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:04,528
Or even, like,
a trash can or whatever.
1372
01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:06,193
Very funny.
1373
01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:09,113
One of the best parts
about being a celebrity
1374
01:01:09,291 --> 01:01:12,374
is that if you complain about
something on social media,
1375
01:01:12,544 --> 01:01:14,751
the company actually
takes care of it
1376
01:01:14,921 --> 01:01:17,253
because they're scared
of bad publicity.
1377
01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:19,289
Nobody cares
if your flight gets cancelled,
1378
01:01:19,467 --> 01:01:22,129
but if Chrissy teigen's does,
watch out.
1379
01:01:22,304 --> 01:01:25,467
So I've decided to file
your grievances for you.
1380
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:27,346
So, millennial, how did you feel
1381
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:29,508
when your burger arrived
without fries?
1382
01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:32,428
I forgot about it then I saw you
on the street and you asked...
1383
01:01:32,606 --> 01:01:34,892
Devastated. Devastated.
1384
01:01:35,066 --> 01:01:37,432
We're so happy we avenged you!
1385
01:01:37,611 --> 01:01:40,102
- Great. Great.
- Enjoy your fries, everyone!
1386
01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:41,816
"Playful viral bits"
1387
01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:44,231
"and an overall
more engaged demeanour."
1388
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:45,774
"Tonight with Katherine newbury'"
1389
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,817
"is becoming a must-see
once again!"
1390
01:01:49,539 --> 01:01:51,434
Now, tell me how you feel
you're treated differently
1391
01:01:51,458 --> 01:01:52,994
because of the way you look.
1392
01:01:53,168 --> 01:01:54,729
- Yeah...
- Something small, not systemic.
1393
01:01:54,753 --> 01:01:56,084
There's nothing I can do about
1394
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:57,694
getting you approved
for a bank loan.
1395
01:01:57,797 --> 01:02:00,288
Into the cab, into the cab.
1396
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,513
Thank you so much!
You're welcome.
1397
01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:14,974
No, don't wait up. Ok, yeah.
1398
01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:16,729
I love you. It's all good.
1399
01:02:18,944 --> 01:02:20,935
Hello, everyone.
1400
01:02:21,112 --> 01:02:22,693
My name is Katherine newbury.
1401
01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:24,820
Now, let me ask,
does anyone in the audience
1402
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:26,731
suffer from depression?
1403
01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:28,616
No? Nobody?
I can't really be the only one.
1404
01:02:28,787 --> 01:02:30,243
Well, I guess depressed people
1405
01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:32,449
aren't really the
call-and-response type.
1406
01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:34,518
Now, schizophrenics,
on the other hand, they're...
1407
01:02:34,542 --> 01:02:36,157
They're all like,
"here, here, here!"
1408
01:02:36,336 --> 01:02:37,826
And that's just one person.
1409
01:02:39,673 --> 01:02:42,085
Speaking of depression,
this week for me
1410
01:02:42,259 --> 01:02:45,672
has been a total series
of disasters.
1411
01:02:47,681 --> 01:02:49,387
It's late.
1412
01:02:49,557 --> 01:02:50,957
It's been
particularly irritating...
1413
01:02:51,101 --> 01:02:52,887
You should be going home.
1414
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:58,931
Were you really depressed?
1415
01:02:59,109 --> 01:03:02,067
- Or was it just part of the act?
- I'm sorry?
1416
01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,478
I've watched this stand-up
so many times
1417
01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:08,194
when I was growing up and...
It always made me feel better.
1418
01:03:08,368 --> 01:03:10,233
You know, like,
"she's talking about it,"
1419
01:03:10,412 --> 01:03:12,824
"and she's being so funny, so..."
1420
01:03:12,998 --> 01:03:16,661
"I must not be weird
for feeling this way."
1421
01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:22,291
Yes, I was. Depressed.
1422
01:03:22,465 --> 01:03:24,251
I still am.
1423
01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:25,962
Come with me.
1424
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:33,347
And here we are.
1425
01:03:33,518 --> 01:03:35,600
Oh, my god.
1426
01:03:35,770 --> 01:03:37,931
How many emmys do you have?
1427
01:03:38,106 --> 01:03:39,812
And a golden globe?
1428
01:03:39,983 --> 01:03:43,646
You were knighted?
You're dame Katherine newbury?
1429
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,481
Mm-hmm, "knight" sounds
so much better
1430
01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:46,986
than "dame," though, doesn't it?
1431
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:48,522
"Knight"
is Lancelot and romance,
1432
01:03:48,700 --> 01:03:50,440
"dame" just the old bag
who takes too long
1433
01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:52,108
in the grocery checkout line.
1434
01:03:54,914 --> 01:03:58,657
Wow. Burditt is a baby
in this photo.
1435
01:03:58,835 --> 01:04:01,076
That was the first year
we won the Emmy.
1436
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:03,165
It was good stuff back then.
1437
01:04:03,340 --> 01:04:05,672
Oh, that must be Tom's dad...
I mean seven's dad.
1438
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,833
Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.
1439
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:10,798
You know, he's not terrible
just 'cause he's privileged.
1440
01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:14,214
If his very worst qualities
are elitism and snobbery,
1441
01:04:14,392 --> 01:04:16,223
that's not really
all that bad, is it?
1442
01:04:16,394 --> 01:04:19,136
Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a diversity hire.
1443
01:04:19,314 --> 01:04:20,850
You are a diversity hire.
1444
01:04:22,192 --> 01:04:23,557
What? You think no one ever
1445
01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:25,441
accused me of sleeping
my way to the top?
1446
01:04:25,612 --> 01:04:26,943
I mean, the point is,
you're here.
1447
01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:28,978
And if you want people
to see you as something
1448
01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:32,945
other than a diversity hire,
you have to make them.
1449
01:04:33,119 --> 01:04:36,031
It's not fair,
but it never is for women.
1450
01:04:37,332 --> 01:04:41,075
I want you to know that you
have changed my life forever.
1451
01:04:41,252 --> 01:04:42,583
- No, look...
- And I want...
1452
01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:46,463
No. I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, but...
1453
01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:49,670
Your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.
1454
01:04:51,012 --> 01:04:54,504
God, why can't I express
my admiration for you?
1455
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:57,094
Because successful people
hate their own admirers,
1456
01:04:57,268 --> 01:05:00,180
and we're suspicious
of people who compliment us.
1457
01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:02,083
That's horrible.
How do you have any friends?
1458
01:05:02,107 --> 01:05:04,689
I don't think I have any.
1459
01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:13,236
Ah, it's getting late.
1460
01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:24,246
I have bad news.
1461
01:05:24,421 --> 01:05:26,377
For sweeps, they...
1462
01:05:26,548 --> 01:05:31,383
Want you to introduce tennant
as your replacement.
1463
01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:35,628
We tried.
1464
01:05:39,519 --> 01:05:41,430
I was watching
'game of thrones'.
1465
01:05:41,604 --> 01:05:44,516
And I'm watching
with my girlfriend, right?
1466
01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:47,603
And she's like, "oh, my god!"
1467
01:05:47,777 --> 01:05:49,768
"This is so unfair."
1468
01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:51,277
"All the women are nude,"
1469
01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:53,154
"but, like,
none of the men are nude."
1470
01:05:53,324 --> 01:05:55,044
So I whipped out my nuts.
1471
01:05:55,201 --> 01:05:56,941
And she's like,
"oh, my god, balls!"
1472
01:05:57,120 --> 01:05:59,406
And I'm like, "hypocrite much?"
1473
01:05:59,581 --> 01:06:01,071
But that other one
got cut, right?
1474
01:06:01,249 --> 01:06:04,286
Uh, we can cut it and we can put
this in there in its place.
1475
01:06:04,461 --> 01:06:06,061
- So if we're running long...
- Oh, good.
1476
01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:07,689
We can end on
the supreme court joke.
1477
01:06:07,839 --> 01:06:10,125
If not, then we have two
more cards ready to go.
1478
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:12,461
Ok. -Alright. So why
don't we, uh, I don't know...
1479
01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:14,421
Ok, I just have to say...
1480
01:06:14,596 --> 01:06:17,463
No, no, I need to say
that you don't have to do this.
1481
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:21,053
Stop. Listen to me.
You need to do this.
1482
01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:22,842
Introducing tennant
is the classy move.
1483
01:06:23,021 --> 01:06:24,807
You make it look like
it was your decision.
1484
01:06:24,981 --> 01:06:26,937
- It's the best we can do.
- No, it's not.
1485
01:06:27,108 --> 01:06:28,723
This is your show.
1486
01:06:28,902 --> 01:06:31,234
It's an expression
of who you are.
1487
01:06:31,404 --> 01:06:34,862
Is handing the show over
to Daniel tennant who you are?
1488
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,067
I have to prepare.
1489
01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:41,741
That's not cool.
1490
01:06:41,915 --> 01:06:43,655
Hey. Hey!
1491
01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:46,165
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
1492
01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:48,793
Ok. -You can't tell her
stuff like that.
1493
01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:50,419
They made a decision, Molly.
1494
01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:52,797
Now it's our job -
our actual job -
1495
01:06:52,967 --> 01:06:54,753
to find a way for our boss
1496
01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:56,488
to tell America
that she's stepping down
1497
01:06:56,638 --> 01:06:59,846
and to do it in a way that makes
her look classy and smart,
1498
01:07:00,016 --> 01:07:01,927
and for all of us
to save a little face.
1499
01:07:02,101 --> 01:07:03,932
Yes, saving face,
the most important pillar
1500
01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:05,684
in the wasp handbook to life.
1501
01:07:05,855 --> 01:07:08,250
There's no pillars in a handbook
so get your metaphors straight.
1502
01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:09,605
And if you think we want her
1503
01:07:09,776 --> 01:07:11,641
to give the show to
a douche like tennant, no,
1504
01:07:11,819 --> 01:07:13,901
but we don't go rogue
and just say anything we feel.
1505
01:07:14,072 --> 01:07:15,716
- That's not how things work.
- You know what?
1506
01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:17,276
Fuck how things work.
If I cared how
1507
01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:18,928
things work,
I wouldn't have this job.
1508
01:07:18,952 --> 01:07:21,785
Which would be
absolutely fantastic!
1509
01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:24,571
Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?
1510
01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:27,456
Oh, yes, yeah, I had a long
string of failed relationships
1511
01:07:27,627 --> 01:07:30,243
with semi-talented women
who overdress for work.
1512
01:07:30,421 --> 01:07:32,002
It must be so hard for you.
1513
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:34,835
- What?
- That we have the same job.
1514
01:07:35,885 --> 01:07:37,295
It's not the same job, Molly.
1515
01:07:37,470 --> 01:07:38,926
You write jokes
for the monologue.
1516
01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,588
- I'm the head monologue writer.
- Whatever, seven.
1517
01:07:41,766 --> 01:07:43,744
Walking to a dead end.
That's... that's a great finish.
1518
01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:45,929
Nope, go that... yep, yep.
No, no, you showed me.
1519
01:07:46,104 --> 01:07:48,937
Walking into... into a closet.
That's great.
1520
01:07:54,654 --> 01:07:56,736
And in five.
1521
01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:59,773
Four, three, two.
1522
01:07:59,951 --> 01:08:02,033
Katherine newbury!
1523
01:08:02,203 --> 01:08:04,819
Now, there are some
rumours out there
1524
01:08:04,998 --> 01:08:06,863
that you might be replacing me.
1525
01:08:10,169 --> 01:08:12,785
Uh, well, uh...
1526
01:08:12,964 --> 01:08:15,956
You're a legend, ok?
I would be beyond honoured.
1527
01:08:16,134 --> 01:08:17,715
Thank you.
1528
01:08:17,885 --> 01:08:20,718
The thing is, I...
I don't want to go.
1529
01:08:25,226 --> 01:08:27,717
I get it. I mean, who would
want to leave here, right?
1530
01:08:27,895 --> 01:08:29,260
Your name's on the drum.
1531
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:31,521
Hey, give it up for
Katherine newbury, y'all!
1532
01:08:31,691 --> 01:08:34,774
Make some noise!
1533
01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:41,280
Thank you for the noise.
1534
01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:43,817
I find myself in a genuinely
strange position, though,
1535
01:08:43,995 --> 01:08:45,860
because I truly
do not want to go.
1536
01:08:46,039 --> 01:08:49,998
- Do you want me to go?
- No!
1537
01:08:53,004 --> 01:08:55,666
Uh, we all wish
she could stay, right?
1538
01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:59,503
I mean...
1539
01:09:00,762 --> 01:09:02,298
You really wish I could stay?
1540
01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:06,389
Sure. Yeah.
1541
01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:08,470
You really mean it?
1542
01:09:10,396 --> 01:09:12,102
Yeah. Yes.
1543
01:09:12,273 --> 01:09:14,104
Well, you know what, Daniel?
1544
01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:15,890
I'll stay.
1545
01:09:18,279 --> 01:09:20,144
But only because you
really, really want me to.
1546
01:09:20,323 --> 01:09:21,904
Thank you, Daniel.
1547
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,316
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
1548
01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:26,576
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
1549
01:09:26,746 --> 01:09:27,986
You're welcome, americal
1550
01:09:28,164 --> 01:09:29,779
well, that's...
1551
01:09:29,957 --> 01:09:32,323
- Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
- If you agree with me,
1552
01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:34,458
why don't you show me
some love on Twitter?
1553
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:43,042
You did great.
1554
01:09:45,765 --> 01:09:47,426
- I got this.
- What was that, man?
1555
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,182
That sucked. We're done.
1556
01:09:51,270 --> 01:09:52,635
Did you enjoy that?
1557
01:09:52,814 --> 01:09:54,750
- 'Cause now you're fucked.
- I don't know, Billy.
1558
01:09:54,774 --> 01:09:56,654
I think it really shook
the dust off this place.
1559
01:09:56,818 --> 01:09:58,274
Don't you?
1560
01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:00,526
Now get the fuck off my stage.
1561
01:10:03,658 --> 01:10:05,194
She did what?!
1562
01:10:05,368 --> 01:10:06,778
Oh, oh, another thing.
1563
01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:08,693
I'm part of, um,
something called a hashtag
1564
01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:10,452
in which over
half a million people
1565
01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:13,831
participated or liked it or did
whatever they do with it.
1566
01:10:14,001 --> 01:10:15,912
I don't know.
1567
01:10:17,839 --> 01:10:19,795
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
1568
01:10:19,966 --> 01:10:21,581
You were spectacular.
1569
01:10:21,759 --> 01:10:24,091
Walter, I'm not afraid
of Billy kastner.
1570
01:10:24,262 --> 01:10:25,627
And you shouldn't be.
1571
01:10:25,805 --> 01:10:27,591
I'm going to open a champagne.
1572
01:10:46,492 --> 01:10:48,574
- Hi.
- Hey.
1573
01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:51,236
So to celebrate the single best
day of my professional career,
1574
01:10:51,414 --> 01:10:54,201
I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and with cupcakes.
1575
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:55,975
Cupcakes are for me.
The vodka's for you.
1576
01:10:56,085 --> 01:10:58,497
The vodka's for me too,
if I'm being completely honest.
1577
01:11:00,882 --> 01:11:03,294
You should call
before you come over.
1578
01:11:03,468 --> 01:11:05,208
Yeah, but where's
the fun in that?
1579
01:11:05,386 --> 01:11:07,422
I know, but I...
I can't tonight.
1580
01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:10,838
Do you have someone over?
1581
01:11:13,936 --> 01:11:16,268
Oh, my god,
this is so embarrassing.
1582
01:11:16,439 --> 01:11:18,145
- No, no.
- Oh, this fucking sucks.
1583
01:11:18,316 --> 01:11:20,056
- Oh, god. Oh...
- No, no. Molly.
1584
01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,145
Molly. Molly.
1585
01:11:23,988 --> 01:11:25,569
I think we should get a drink.
Yeah.
1586
01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:28,402
We should drink and maybe
talk about "73 questions."
1587
01:11:28,576 --> 01:11:30,567
- Yes.
- Hey.
1588
01:11:30,745 --> 01:11:33,487
Uh, Molly, uh... Molly, you want
to go somewhere and talk?
1589
01:11:33,664 --> 01:11:35,404
- No, thanks.
- Come on, Molly.
1590
01:11:35,583 --> 01:11:37,073
You should ask someone else.
1591
01:11:37,251 --> 01:11:39,742
Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.
1592
01:11:45,968 --> 01:11:47,674
Hey.
1593
01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:51,011
So that was the other shoe.
1594
01:11:51,182 --> 01:11:52,638
What?
1595
01:11:52,809 --> 01:11:54,549
The other shoe dropping,
with Charlie.
1596
01:11:54,727 --> 01:11:56,888
Oh, I really don't want
to talk to you about this.
1597
01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:58,583
- Can I tell you a story?
- No, thanks.
1598
01:11:58,731 --> 01:12:00,793
The summer after freshman year,
Charlie and I saved up
1599
01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:02,728
all our money to go
to Pearl jam in Chicago.
1600
01:12:02,902 --> 01:12:04,392
It was gonna be
this epic road trip.
1601
01:12:04,570 --> 01:12:05,935
The drive out was pretty great.
1602
01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:08,104
We just got high every day.
We laughed a lot.
1603
01:12:08,282 --> 01:12:10,648
We even got these matching
compass tattoos on our thighs.
1604
01:12:10,827 --> 01:12:12,738
Anyway, we get there,
I go to get a t-shirt
1605
01:12:12,912 --> 01:12:15,824
at the merch stand,
I come back, and he's gone.
1606
01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:18,614
Gone”? What do you mean, gone?
1607
01:12:18,793 --> 01:12:23,412
He met a girl, left with her.
I never saw him again.
1608
01:12:23,589 --> 01:12:25,545
I mean, you saw him again
later that night?
1609
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:27,916
- I never saw him again that summer.
- That is horrible.
1610
01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,500
Why are you still
friends with him?
1611
01:12:29,679 --> 01:12:31,340
Well, I know that you
wouldn't be, right?
1612
01:12:31,514 --> 01:12:33,550
No, you're too principled
for that.
1613
01:12:33,724 --> 01:12:36,261
- Teach you that at the factory?
- It's a chemical plant.
1614
01:12:36,435 --> 01:12:38,676
Alright, look,
when you work with someone
1615
01:12:38,855 --> 01:12:40,971
that you've known for 18 years,
1616
01:12:41,148 --> 01:12:43,480
you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.
1617
01:12:43,651 --> 01:12:45,983
I mean, you can't be
lifelong acquaintances.
1618
01:12:46,153 --> 01:12:48,394
Mortal enemies just
felt like a lot more work.
1619
01:12:51,742 --> 01:12:53,858
- You still have that tattoo?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1620
01:12:54,036 --> 01:12:55,526
Compass points
right to my balls.
1621
01:12:55,705 --> 01:12:57,946
It's fucking horrible.
1622
01:12:58,124 --> 01:13:00,115
I... I don't want to wear it.
That's all.
1623
01:13:00,293 --> 01:13:02,521
I get that. I do. Let me
explain, though. -It's stupid.
1624
01:13:02,545 --> 01:13:04,126
No, but the bit is the idea
1625
01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:05,941
- that you're a pirate that everybody knows.
- Katherine.
1626
01:13:05,965 --> 01:13:07,296
- Katherine. Katherine.
- This...
1627
01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:08,672
- Uh, sorry.
- What?
1628
01:13:12,638 --> 01:13:14,879
Oh, my god. Ok.
1629
01:13:17,476 --> 01:13:21,685
We don't...
We don't have to do the hook.
1630
01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,687
Hey. I got your McNuggets.
1631
01:13:23,858 --> 01:13:25,723
But I'm not gonna lie -
I had a few.
1632
01:13:25,902 --> 01:13:27,733
Ll ook at this.
1633
01:13:34,994 --> 01:13:37,155
No. It can't be true.
It's not possible.
1634
01:13:37,330 --> 01:13:38,991
They hacked his e-mail.
1635
01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:40,871
It has to be true.
1636
01:13:41,042 --> 01:13:42,623
He hasn't returned
any of my calls.
1637
01:13:42,793 --> 01:13:45,125
- Why Charlie? Why him?
- Because he's hot.
1638
01:13:45,296 --> 01:13:46,832
Do you think
it should have been you?
1639
01:13:47,006 --> 01:13:48,337
No, I don't.
1640
01:13:48,507 --> 01:13:50,543
And, by the way, looks
and fame aren't everything.
1641
01:13:50,718 --> 01:13:52,379
They're definitely everything.
1642
01:13:52,553 --> 01:13:54,418
Guys, can we not be glib
about this, please?
1643
01:13:54,597 --> 01:13:56,837
- I thought she really loved Walter.
- She does love him.
1644
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:59,174
The line is,
"in sickness or in health."
1645
01:13:59,352 --> 01:14:02,594
And you know what? People always
make those vows in health.
1646
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,353
So let's cut her some slack.
1647
01:14:04,523 --> 01:14:06,434
Let's get back to work.
1648
01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:16,611
Katherine newbury is
in the news for allegedly
1649
01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:18,902
carrying on an affair
with a much younger man
1650
01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:21,116
who, uh, also happens to be
an employee of hers.
1651
01:14:21,290 --> 01:14:22,700
Did you see this?
1652
01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:24,365
I guess she took
the advice to get
1653
01:14:24,543 --> 01:14:27,501
more of the younger male
demographic to heart.
1654
01:14:38,224 --> 01:14:40,135
This is Walter.
1655
01:14:40,309 --> 01:14:41,799
Leave a message.
1656
01:14:41,978 --> 01:14:43,593
Walter, please call me back.
1657
01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,762
I need to see you.
1658
01:14:57,451 --> 01:15:00,238
Katherine?
1659
01:15:01,539 --> 01:15:03,575
Oh, my god.
1660
01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:08,451
Open a window, for god's sakes.
1661
01:15:13,092 --> 01:15:15,299
It happened three years ago.
1662
01:15:15,469 --> 01:15:17,755
Walter had just been diagnosed
1663
01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:24,141
and I got angry with him
for being angry,
1664
01:15:24,311 --> 01:15:26,427
and Charlie was
so warm and funny
1665
01:15:26,605 --> 01:15:29,472
and persistent
and... and gorgeous.
1666
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:31,481
It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous
1667
01:15:31,652 --> 01:15:33,438
just knocking about.
1668
01:15:34,488 --> 01:15:36,353
Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it
1669
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:38,397
every single second since.
1670
01:15:38,576 --> 01:15:40,942
You know what? It actually...
It doesn't matter.
1671
01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:42,800
Because I've been working
on the monologue,
1672
01:15:42,872 --> 01:15:44,487
and I think we have
an opportunity
1673
01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:46,201
to really say something here.
1674
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,785
I'm not addressing it.
1675
01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,871
- What?
- No, we'll go dark for a week.
1676
01:15:50,046 --> 01:15:52,332
Then I'll come back on
and I won't mention it
1677
01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:55,964
and then, in a month,
I'll be gone.
1678
01:15:56,135 --> 01:15:58,842
You'll be gone?
Why are you doing that?
1679
01:15:59,013 --> 01:16:00,615
Because of my complete
and utter humiliation
1680
01:16:00,639 --> 01:16:02,279
in the eyes of
the American public, maybe?
1681
01:16:02,433 --> 01:16:04,173
No. You're being demonised,
Katherine.
1682
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:05,761
- And it's not fair.
- It is fair.
1683
01:16:05,936 --> 01:16:07,972
I should be demonised.
I'm Katherine newbury.
1684
01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:09,791
I stand for "excellence
without compromise."
1685
01:16:09,815 --> 01:16:11,851
I fucked up.
I don't deserve the show.
1686
01:16:12,026 --> 01:16:13,607
I think that you're wrong.
1687
01:16:13,778 --> 01:16:16,269
You, with over two months
experience in television.
1688
01:16:16,447 --> 01:16:18,654
I get it. You are ashamed
of what you did.
1689
01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:20,564
And you don't want to face it.
1690
01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:23,075
But everybody makes mistakes.
You need to talk about it.
1691
01:16:23,245 --> 01:16:24,826
I need to talk about it?
1692
01:16:24,997 --> 01:16:29,081
You know, what's so fascinating
about your generation is...
1693
01:16:29,251 --> 01:16:31,333
Your obsession with catharsis.
1694
01:16:31,504 --> 01:16:32,869
It's so narcissistic.
1695
01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:34,878
In fact, we might
as well just go ahead
1696
01:16:35,049 --> 01:16:36,585
and call it 'catharcissism',
1697
01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:38,966
where, for some reason,
just because
1698
01:16:39,136 --> 01:16:40,672
you confess something publicly,
1699
01:16:40,846 --> 01:16:42,461
you automatically
get redemption.
1700
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,034
Well, I'm not gonna
play that trick.
1701
01:16:44,058 --> 01:16:45,969
I owe it to him, I owe it to me.
1702
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:47,508
And that's
what's called backbone.
1703
01:16:47,686 --> 01:16:49,472
That's what's...
That's what's known as grit.
1704
01:16:49,647 --> 01:16:52,684
You want to talk to me
about grit?
1705
01:16:52,858 --> 01:16:55,065
I don't have any friends.
1706
01:16:55,236 --> 01:16:56,942
I don't come from a rich family.
1707
01:16:57,113 --> 01:17:00,105
I didn't have a man whisk me
away when I was 20 years old
1708
01:17:00,282 --> 01:17:02,273
and tell me that I was
beautiful and a genius.
1709
01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:05,363
And guess what.
I'm probably not a genius.
1710
01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:11,161
And this show...
This is all I have.
1711
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:13,667
So fuck you for giving it up.
1712
01:17:15,089 --> 01:17:17,922
You are selfish,
and you are scared,
1713
01:17:18,092 --> 01:17:20,048
and you have deluded yourself
into thinking
1714
01:17:20,219 --> 01:17:22,756
that is somehow the moral
high ground, but it's not.
1715
01:17:22,930 --> 01:17:24,783
Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,
1716
01:17:24,807 --> 01:17:27,139
because you no longer work
for me - you're fired.
1717
01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:30,016
You know, it's funny.
You know everything about me.
1718
01:17:30,187 --> 01:17:32,178
And I don't even think
about you.
1719
01:17:32,356 --> 01:17:33,937
Bye-bye.
1720
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:41,817
Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.
1721
01:17:41,991 --> 01:17:43,822
I know it sucks.
1722
01:17:43,993 --> 01:17:45,449
No, it's cool.
1723
01:17:45,619 --> 01:17:47,155
It's like you're in
witness protection
1724
01:17:47,329 --> 01:17:49,445
and your secret identity
is an elderly Indian woman.
1725
01:17:51,167 --> 01:17:53,658
Good amount of glitter.
I like the ponies.
1726
01:17:53,836 --> 01:17:56,452
So are you super excited about
getting your first period?
1727
01:17:56,630 --> 01:17:59,417
- Oh, come on, man!
- Wait, are you...?
1728
01:17:59,592 --> 01:18:02,129
Oh, please don't do that.
Ok? I'm not...
1729
01:18:02,303 --> 01:18:04,669
I'm not good with...
I'm not good with that.
1730
01:18:04,847 --> 01:18:06,383
It's... it's not what I do.
1731
01:18:06,557 --> 01:18:08,637
I just got fired after working
less than three months
1732
01:18:08,726 --> 01:18:10,262
in the job of my dreams.
1733
01:18:10,436 --> 01:18:12,176
Now I have to go back
to Pennsylvania
1734
01:18:12,354 --> 01:18:14,015
and work in a factory.
1735
01:18:14,190 --> 01:18:15,851
I thought it was
a chemical plant.
1736
01:18:16,025 --> 01:18:17,640
It's basically the same thing.
1737
01:18:17,818 --> 01:18:19,433
Come on.
1738
01:18:19,612 --> 01:18:21,773
You're not going back there.
1739
01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:24,859
Who will hire me?
I'm such a fucking loser.
1740
01:18:25,034 --> 01:18:27,992
I make such a bad
first impression on people.
1741
01:18:29,496 --> 01:18:32,203
Well, there is some truth
to that, but, I mean,
1742
01:18:32,374 --> 01:18:34,456
I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...
1743
01:18:36,337 --> 01:18:38,337
Honestly, you just need
to stop being such a pussy.
1744
01:18:38,505 --> 01:18:40,996
Hey, that was
incredibly offensive.
1745
01:18:41,175 --> 01:18:43,962
Maybe, but, I mean,
it's also pretty true.
1746
01:18:44,136 --> 01:18:46,252
What? You can't give up
1747
01:18:46,430 --> 01:18:48,842
just 'cause Katherine newbury
was mean to you.
1748
01:18:49,016 --> 01:18:50,802
Come on, suck it up. Ok?
1749
01:18:50,976 --> 01:18:53,467
Stay in New York.
Get a... different apartment.
1750
01:18:53,646 --> 01:18:55,887
Not this one.
Anything but this one, honestly.
1751
01:18:56,065 --> 01:18:58,556
Ok? And find
another show to work on.
1752
01:19:00,903 --> 01:19:02,894
You're too good, Molly.
1753
01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:07,113
Do you really think that?
1754
01:19:07,284 --> 01:19:09,366
You know how hard it is for me
to compliment people,
1755
01:19:09,536 --> 01:19:11,151
so just don't make me
say it again.
1756
01:19:32,935 --> 01:19:35,051
Good luck. Yeah?
1757
01:19:36,313 --> 01:19:37,723
Oh, you... you can leave that.
1758
01:19:37,898 --> 01:19:39,809
I kind of like it.
1759
01:19:52,121 --> 01:19:54,203
I'm on zillow,
and in your price range,
1760
01:19:54,373 --> 01:19:56,173
you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.
1761
01:19:56,250 --> 01:19:57,786
Ok, well,
where can I afford to live?
1762
01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:00,167
Sogo? It's the neighbourhood
south of gowanus.
1763
01:20:00,337 --> 01:20:02,498
Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.
1764
01:20:02,673 --> 01:20:05,130
God, Pavarti,
how is that helpful?
1765
01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:09,009
So you left after 10 weeks, huh?
1766
01:20:09,179 --> 01:20:10,669
I was fired.
1767
01:20:10,848 --> 01:20:13,214
Yeah, I figured.
I was just trying to be polite.
1768
01:20:13,392 --> 01:20:16,304
I wasn't a good
personality match with my boss.
1769
01:20:16,478 --> 01:20:18,059
What is she like, anyway?
1770
01:20:18,230 --> 01:20:20,266
Because she's nice to me
at the emmys,
1771
01:20:20,441 --> 01:20:21,931
but I can also tell on her face
1772
01:20:22,109 --> 01:20:24,350
that niceness
is very hard for her.
1773
01:20:24,528 --> 01:20:27,270
She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.
1774
01:20:27,448 --> 01:20:29,905
She could be so casually cruel,
1775
01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:33,112
all in the name
of excellence and efficiency.
1776
01:20:33,287 --> 01:20:35,403
Sounds like
a laid-back place to work.
1777
01:20:35,581 --> 01:20:37,617
I thought your jokes
were really good.
1778
01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:39,873
And yet, every morning,
I would wake up
1779
01:20:40,044 --> 01:20:41,730
with this yearning to impress
her, you know?
1780
01:20:41,754 --> 01:20:43,369
Like, somehow,
if I could make her laugh,
1781
01:20:43,547 --> 01:20:46,755
that meant that I was reaching
my greatest potential.
1782
01:20:46,925 --> 01:20:48,631
So anyways, your jokes...
1783
01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:50,258
God, and the sound of her laugh,
1784
01:20:50,429 --> 01:20:51,919
it would just light up
the whole room.
1785
01:20:52,097 --> 01:20:55,055
It was like a thousand
church bells. It was incredible.
1786
01:20:55,225 --> 01:20:57,637
Well, I want to hire you,
1787
01:20:57,811 --> 01:21:00,268
but if you ever want to say
something like that again,
1788
01:21:00,439 --> 01:21:02,930
it should definitely be...
To a therapist.
1789
01:21:03,108 --> 01:21:04,848
Oh, my god.
Ok, I... I would never...
1790
01:21:05,027 --> 01:21:06,392
I would never say that
about you.
1791
01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:09,061
- Yeah, no, please don't.
- Oh, my god. Ok, thank you.
1792
01:21:09,239 --> 01:21:11,150
Thank you so much. Wow.
1793
01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:13,190
Fans on social media
are all wondering
1794
01:21:13,369 --> 01:21:14,734
whether Katherine newbury
1795
01:21:14,912 --> 01:21:16,994
will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.
1796
01:21:17,164 --> 01:21:19,371
This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting
1797
01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:21,327
on her alleged
extramarital affair
1798
01:21:21,502 --> 01:21:24,084
and her pointed silence
on the matter.
1799
01:21:24,254 --> 01:21:26,245
This caps off one of
the most interesting seasons
1800
01:21:26,423 --> 01:21:29,290
in late-night television
in recent years.
1801
01:21:31,303 --> 01:21:33,840
Dogs with, like, people names?
1802
01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:37,055
- Hey.
- Hey.
1803
01:21:37,226 --> 01:21:39,182
Hi. No, it's fine.
1804
01:21:39,353 --> 01:21:41,218
- You need help with the speech?
- No, no.
1805
01:21:41,397 --> 01:21:45,515
I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.
1806
01:21:47,319 --> 01:21:49,901
I just came to say thank you.
1807
01:21:52,491 --> 01:21:54,823
Brad.
1808
01:21:54,993 --> 01:21:56,904
Tom.
1809
01:22:00,249 --> 01:22:03,286
Mancuso. Reynolds.
1810
01:22:03,460 --> 01:22:05,200
Burditt.
1811
01:22:05,379 --> 01:22:08,997
Mendelsohn. Weber.
1812
01:22:11,885 --> 01:22:13,671
Six.
1813
01:22:17,891 --> 01:22:19,597
How did John Phillips die?
1814
01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:23,010
Non-hodgkin's lymphoma.
1815
01:22:27,568 --> 01:22:30,856
I remember being so hard on him.
1816
01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:37,025
- You gave him a job.
- I wasn't nice to him.
1817
01:22:38,745 --> 01:22:41,077
We're not here
because you're nice.
1818
01:22:41,248 --> 01:22:43,830
We're here because you're good.
1819
01:22:45,377 --> 01:22:47,709
She cried. And thanked us.
1820
01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:49,666
- What?
- It was crazy.
1821
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:51,796
When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.
1822
01:22:51,967 --> 01:22:54,629
Look, I really think
you should watch the show later.
1823
01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:56,384
I mean, you worked
so hard on this.
1824
01:22:56,555 --> 01:22:59,046
- Tom, go to work. I'll talk to you later.
- Alright, alright.
1825
01:22:59,224 --> 01:23:00,885
Bye.
1826
01:23:08,525 --> 01:23:11,358
Yeah.
1827
01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:14,395
I'd like to see you.
1828
01:23:14,573 --> 01:23:16,313
Ok.
1829
01:23:16,492 --> 01:23:18,292
Oh, but
there's press at the house.
1830
01:23:18,368 --> 01:23:20,108
Um, I'll think of somewhere.
1831
01:23:30,380 --> 01:23:32,416
When I left my wife and family
1832
01:23:32,591 --> 01:23:35,378
for a beautiful young
english girl,
1833
01:23:35,552 --> 01:23:38,544
they told me
there would be Karma,
1834
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:40,804
that I would pay for it.
1835
01:23:40,974 --> 01:23:42,839
And then...
1836
01:23:43,018 --> 01:23:45,350
Years passed,
and nothing happened.
1837
01:23:45,521 --> 01:23:47,682
And I thought, "well..."
1838
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:50,518
"I'm the luckiest
bastard alive."
1839
01:23:51,902 --> 01:23:54,860
I guess I was wrong.
1840
01:23:56,990 --> 01:24:00,528
It's hard enough for me
to live with a disease
1841
01:24:00,702 --> 01:24:02,909
that's probably going to kill me
1842
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:06,823
without knowing
that the woman I love...
1843
01:24:08,043 --> 01:24:09,624
Decided one night,
1844
01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:12,377
instead of staying at home
with her invalid husband,
1845
01:24:12,548 --> 01:24:14,539
she would rather
fuck a comedian.
1846
01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:19,968
I want to say...
1847
01:24:20,138 --> 01:24:22,174
It didn't mean anything.
1848
01:24:24,017 --> 01:24:27,009
But it meant everything
because it hurt you.
1849
01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:28,973
Yes, it did.
1850
01:24:32,859 --> 01:24:34,975
I know.
1851
01:24:35,153 --> 01:24:37,485
The thing is...
1852
01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:40,989
You can't just take away
one terrible thing you did
1853
01:24:41,159 --> 01:24:43,696
any more than you can take away
1854
01:24:43,870 --> 01:24:47,112
the million beautiful things
that we had together.
1855
01:24:47,291 --> 01:24:49,452
That's a million to one.
1856
01:24:50,794 --> 01:24:53,627
If you can live with that ratio
1857
01:24:53,797 --> 01:24:56,004
for another few years...
1858
01:24:57,676 --> 01:24:59,712
Then so can I.
1859
01:25:16,695 --> 01:25:18,356
But I'm not here
as your husband.
1860
01:25:18,530 --> 01:25:20,896
I'm here as a man
who has advised you
1861
01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,406
your entire adult life.
1862
01:25:24,453 --> 01:25:25,989
Are you sure that you're making
1863
01:25:26,163 --> 01:25:28,245
the right decision
about the show?
1864
01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:34,084
If it's over in one year
or ten years,
1865
01:25:34,254 --> 01:25:36,085
what's the difference?
1866
01:25:36,256 --> 01:25:37,996
It'll be over.
1867
01:25:40,927 --> 01:25:43,134
No friends or children, no...
1868
01:25:43,305 --> 01:25:44,966
You didn't want them.
1869
01:25:45,140 --> 01:25:46,846
You wanted excellence,
1870
01:25:47,017 --> 01:25:49,850
which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.
1871
01:25:50,020 --> 01:25:52,978
Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.
1872
01:25:53,148 --> 01:25:55,981
I don't know
what to say to them.
1873
01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,478
When the time comes, Katie,
1874
01:26:01,657 --> 01:26:03,443
you'll know.
1875
01:26:51,832 --> 01:26:53,743
Thank you.
1876
01:26:53,917 --> 01:26:56,329
Thank you very much.
1877
01:26:56,503 --> 01:26:58,539
Well...
1878
01:26:59,965 --> 01:27:02,206
What a boring
few weeks it's been.
1879
01:27:03,885 --> 01:27:06,422
Although,
it's kind of refreshing
1880
01:27:06,596 --> 01:27:08,632
for a woman
to be the perpetrator
1881
01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:11,549
in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?
1882
01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:16,432
I am, of course, referring
to the multiple reports
1883
01:27:16,606 --> 01:27:19,268
that came out this week,
1884
01:27:19,443 --> 01:27:23,527
saying that I had been
unfaithful to my husband
1885
01:27:23,697 --> 01:27:26,530
with one of my writers.
1886
01:27:26,700 --> 01:27:28,861
Spoiler alert -
1887
01:27:29,035 --> 01:27:30,571
it's true.
1888
01:27:40,505 --> 01:27:44,043
I've learned
an interesting term.
1889
01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:46,333
"Slut-shaming."
1890
01:27:47,512 --> 01:27:51,346
My supporters have said
that if I were a man,
1891
01:27:53,518 --> 01:27:54,849
well, here's what I think.
1892
01:27:55,020 --> 01:27:57,180
If it were a man doing this,
it would be reprehensible.
1893
01:27:57,272 --> 01:27:59,183
But guess what -
it's a woman doing it,
1894
01:27:59,357 --> 01:28:01,439
and it's still reprehensible.
1895
01:28:01,610 --> 01:28:05,478
And none of this
would even matter
1896
01:28:05,655 --> 01:28:07,737
if I were not so...
1897
01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:12,902
So hard on everyone,
with such high standards
1898
01:28:13,079 --> 01:28:17,493
that I've defined
my career by it.
1899
01:28:19,169 --> 01:28:22,707
Um, the fact of the matter
is that...
1900
01:28:24,883 --> 01:28:26,498
My husband is my family.
1901
01:28:28,512 --> 01:28:32,004
Have no one else
in my life, so...
1902
01:28:34,684 --> 01:28:36,265
So when this happened,
1903
01:28:36,436 --> 01:28:37,972
I felt worse
than I have ever felt.
1904
01:28:38,146 --> 01:28:40,427
And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.
1905
01:28:41,483 --> 01:28:45,943
And I thought, "I don't deserve
these things anymore",
1906
01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:48,023
"him or the show."
1907
01:28:48,198 --> 01:28:52,988
But it doesn't matter
if I deserve you or not.
1908
01:28:53,161 --> 01:28:54,697
I need you.
1909
01:28:54,871 --> 01:28:56,987
And I've let you down.
1910
01:28:57,165 --> 01:29:00,123
I've taken you for granted
for years,
1911
01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:03,911
underestimating you and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.
1912
01:29:05,382 --> 01:29:07,088
But you did.
1913
01:29:07,259 --> 01:29:11,468
And the other thing
I've learned is that this show
1914
01:29:11,638 --> 01:29:13,845
is the source of my energy.
1915
01:29:14,015 --> 01:29:16,882
It's, um, the reason
I get up in the morning.
1916
01:29:17,060 --> 01:29:19,847
It's my life. It's my blood.
1917
01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:23,104
Yes, and entertaining you...
1918
01:29:24,734 --> 01:29:27,771
Has been the joy of my life.
1919
01:29:30,073 --> 01:29:31,984
Yeah.
1920
01:29:32,158 --> 01:29:35,650
Dear god, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.
1921
01:30:03,440 --> 01:30:05,647
I hope I'm not interrupting.
1922
01:30:06,860 --> 01:30:08,725
You know,
I got into this business
1923
01:30:08,904 --> 01:30:10,690
because I love television,
1924
01:30:10,864 --> 01:30:13,446
and I want to make
relevant television.
1925
01:30:13,617 --> 01:30:15,403
And I know
when I say "relevant,"
1926
01:30:15,577 --> 01:30:18,865
you think I mean "pandering"
or "lowest common denominator."
1927
01:30:20,123 --> 01:30:21,488
I've dreamed of this day.
1928
01:30:21,666 --> 01:30:23,906
- Caroline, please, I beg you...
- You've been so abrupt.
1929
01:30:24,044 --> 01:30:26,626
But as I watched you
out there, I realised
1930
01:30:26,796 --> 01:30:29,913
I want to hear your take,
on the world, on everything,
1931
01:30:30,091 --> 01:30:31,672
and so does everyone else.
1932
01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:34,050
So the show is yours.
1933
01:30:34,220 --> 01:30:36,006
But I'm watching you, Katherine.
1934
01:30:36,181 --> 01:30:37,842
Just give a damn.
1935
01:30:40,060 --> 01:30:42,676
It's pretty fucking
surprising, isn't it?
1936
01:30:47,400 --> 01:30:48,810
Hey, is this my thai food?
1937
01:30:48,985 --> 01:30:51,425
I hope you brought extra peanut
sauce. I hate when you forget.
1938
01:30:51,488 --> 01:30:52,898
This isn't your thai food.
1939
01:30:53,073 --> 01:30:54,563
This is Ms. newbury's driver.
1940
01:30:54,741 --> 01:30:57,778
Ms. newbury would like you
to come down to the car.
1941
01:30:57,953 --> 01:31:00,865
You can tell her that I don't
want to see her. Thank you.
1942
01:31:02,165 --> 01:31:05,032
She said what?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
1943
01:31:11,257 --> 01:31:12,997
Oh, come on.
1944
01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:25,556
J would you believe me now I
1945
01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:28,392
j if I told you
I got caught up in a wave? J
1946
01:31:28,566 --> 01:31:30,227
son of a bitch.
1947
01:31:30,402 --> 01:31:32,438
J almost gave it away j
1948
01:31:32,612 --> 01:31:35,570
& would you hear me out... j
1949
01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:38,903
j if I told you
I was terrified for days? &
1950
01:31:39,077 --> 01:31:40,863
j thought I was gonna break... j
1951
01:31:41,037 --> 01:31:42,368
good afternoon, sir.
1952
01:31:42,539 --> 01:31:44,530
J oh, I couldn't stop it j
1953
01:31:44,708 --> 01:31:46,289
I tried to slow it all down... j
1954
01:31:46,459 --> 01:31:49,041
- nice.
- & with everyone around me j&
1955
01:31:49,212 --> 01:31:50,952
j saying, "you must be
so happy now"... &
1956
01:31:51,131 --> 01:31:54,419
oh, goddamn it.
1957
01:31:54,592 --> 01:31:57,834
J keep reaching out,
then I'll keep coming back j
1958
01:31:58,013 --> 01:31:59,753
j and if you're gone
for good... j&
1959
01:31:59,931 --> 01:32:01,216
oh, fucking hell.
1960
01:32:01,391 --> 01:32:03,552
- &' then I'm ok with that... j
- Oh, god.
1961
01:32:03,727 --> 01:32:06,218
Molly, open up. It's me.
1962
01:32:06,396 --> 01:32:07,886
No.
1963
01:32:08,064 --> 01:32:09,770
I have just driven
1964
01:32:09,941 --> 01:32:12,057
to this horrid
little corner of Brooklyn
1965
01:32:12,235 --> 01:32:14,647
and climbed up six flights
of stairs to talk to you.
1966
01:32:14,821 --> 01:32:17,028
Now open the bloody door.
1967
01:32:19,159 --> 01:32:20,649
Yeah.
1968
01:32:22,037 --> 01:32:24,244
What do you want?
I... I'm very busy right now.
1969
01:32:24,414 --> 01:32:27,872
Why on earth do you live
in coney island?
1970
01:32:28,043 --> 01:32:31,160
Huh. Maybe it's
the Ukrainian food scene.
1971
01:32:31,337 --> 01:32:33,623
Or perhaps it's the endless
subway commute.
1972
01:32:33,798 --> 01:32:35,834
Not all of us can live
in a townhouse
1973
01:32:36,009 --> 01:32:37,795
on gramercy park, Katherine.
1974
01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:41,757
Point taken. I heard you got
an offer from Seth meyers.
1975
01:32:41,931 --> 01:32:45,173
L1 don't think you should
take it. -
1976
01:32:45,351 --> 01:32:47,307
really? Because
I was considering it.
1977
01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:49,561
Mostly because
I don't have a job.
1978
01:32:49,731 --> 01:32:52,393
Also, he didn't call me
a racial quota
1979
01:32:52,567 --> 01:32:54,899
whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him.
1980
01:32:55,070 --> 01:32:56,810
Here. You remember that.
1981
01:32:56,988 --> 01:32:58,694
Shit. Yeah.
1982
01:32:58,865 --> 01:33:00,776
Look, I'm sorry.
1983
01:33:00,950 --> 01:33:02,440
I'm sorry.
1984
01:33:03,495 --> 01:33:06,077
The thing is,
when you hate yourself,
1985
01:33:06,247 --> 01:33:08,283
the only thing
that makes you feel better
1986
01:33:08,458 --> 01:33:11,541
is to get other people to feel
the same way as you do.
1987
01:33:11,711 --> 01:33:13,372
Is this filtered?
1988
01:33:16,800 --> 01:33:19,337
I didn't mean what I said.
1989
01:33:21,179 --> 01:33:24,546
Thank you for saying that...
1990
01:33:24,724 --> 01:33:26,931
And for coming here.
1991
01:33:27,102 --> 01:33:29,184
- Do you like the colour of my wall?
- No.
1992
01:33:29,354 --> 01:33:31,595
You know what, I'm not gonna
go back and work for you
1993
01:33:31,773 --> 01:33:34,059
because that was a very toxic
work environment.
1994
01:33:40,031 --> 01:33:42,192
I need you, Molly.
1995
01:33:43,576 --> 01:33:45,908
I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.
1996
01:33:46,079 --> 01:33:48,070
I need the annoying way
you light up
1997
01:33:48,248 --> 01:33:49,658
every time I walk into the room.
1998
01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:52,040
It makes me feel
like I'm not a fraud.
1999
01:33:52,210 --> 01:33:54,201
But mostly, I need your talent.
2000
01:33:55,880 --> 01:33:57,461
You love me.
2001
01:33:57,632 --> 01:33:59,338
No, I didn't say that. I... no.
2002
01:33:59,509 --> 01:34:00,989
I mean, not in those words,
but you...
2003
01:34:01,136 --> 01:34:03,092
No, I didn't say it
in any of those words.
2004
01:34:03,263 --> 01:34:05,663
But you have made an impression
on me. A very big impression.
2005
01:34:05,807 --> 01:34:07,263
Please, Molly, come back.
2006
01:34:07,433 --> 01:34:08,843
It won't be the show you left,
2007
01:34:09,018 --> 01:34:11,725
but I need you
to help me change it.
2008
01:34:14,899 --> 01:34:16,730
- If I do...
- Hmm?
2009
01:34:16,901 --> 01:34:18,357
No more tantrums.
2010
01:34:18,528 --> 01:34:19,859
- Mm.
- No more hiring people
2011
01:34:20,029 --> 01:34:21,565
- who all look the same.
- Ok.
2012
01:34:21,739 --> 01:34:23,149
No humiliating people.
2013
01:34:23,324 --> 01:34:25,485
And no withering looks.
2014
01:34:25,660 --> 01:34:27,491
- Like that one.
- That's my face.
2015
01:34:27,662 --> 01:34:29,573
Can you try smiling?
2016
01:34:29,747 --> 01:34:31,453
Ok, forget it, forget it.
2017
01:34:31,624 --> 01:34:32,989
Ok. Yes.
2018
01:34:33,168 --> 01:34:35,830
Oh, yes? Well, good.
2019
01:34:36,880 --> 01:34:38,962
Well, I guess I better go
if I want to get
2020
01:34:39,132 --> 01:34:41,214
to the bottom
of the stairs this century.
2021
01:34:41,384 --> 01:34:42,965
Thank you. Alright.
2022
01:34:46,639 --> 01:34:48,630
God, I hate Brooklyn.
2023
01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:55,183
J everybody got a nine
everybody is a bad boy now j
2024
01:34:55,356 --> 01:34:57,017
j everybody wanna shine j
2025
01:34:57,192 --> 01:34:59,148
j everybody,
drink your champagne now j
2026
01:34:59,319 --> 01:35:00,684
j everybody is the shit j
2027
01:35:00,862 --> 01:35:02,523
j everybody is
the big thing now j
2028
01:35:02,697 --> 01:35:04,233
j everybody is the boss j
2029
01:35:04,407 --> 01:35:06,113
j everybody rocking
gold chains now j
2030
01:35:06,284 --> 01:35:09,572
j ain't nobody wanna work,
ain't nobody wanna open up... j
2031
01:35:09,746 --> 01:35:11,577
- thank you.
- & ain't nobody wanna give j
2032
01:35:11,748 --> 01:35:13,534
j ain't nobody wanna
wrap shit up j
2033
01:35:13,708 --> 01:35:15,494
- &' ain't nobody wanna fail... j
- Hey. -Hi.
2034
01:35:15,668 --> 01:35:17,374
J ain't nobody
do it real these days j
2035
01:35:17,545 --> 01:35:19,001
j ain't nobody being true j
2036
01:35:19,172 --> 01:35:21,037
j ain't nobody ever go my way j
2037
01:35:21,216 --> 01:35:24,708
j whoa, oh-oh-oh j
2038
01:35:24,886 --> 01:35:28,128
j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j
2039
01:35:28,306 --> 01:35:31,548
j whoa, oh-oh-oh j
2040
01:35:31,726 --> 01:35:35,389
j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh... I
2041
01:35:35,563 --> 01:35:36,894
ok.
2042
01:35:37,065 --> 01:35:39,477
J whoa, oh-oh-oh j
2043
01:35:39,651 --> 01:35:42,939
j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j
2044
01:35:43,112 --> 01:35:46,730
j whoa, oh-oh-oh j
2045
01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:50,400
j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j
2046
01:35:50,578 --> 01:35:52,944
j ain't nobody wanna work j
2047
01:35:54,082 --> 01:35:56,539
j ain't nobody wanna give j
2048
01:35:57,919 --> 01:36:00,331
j ain't nobody wanna fail &
2049
01:36:01,673 --> 01:36:03,709
j ain't nobody being true... &
2050
01:36:06,177 --> 01:36:08,839
j whoa, oh-oh-oh j
2051
01:36:09,013 --> 01:36:12,676
& whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh... j
2052
01:36:12,850 --> 01:36:16,263
j whoa, oh-oh-oh. J
2053
01:36:19,524 --> 01:36:21,230
Katherine newbury!
2054
01:36:36,040 --> 01:36:40,204
J don't let the negative
ever get in your way j
2055
01:36:40,378 --> 01:36:42,744
j don't let it
mess up your life &
2056
01:36:42,922 --> 01:36:46,130
j don't let it fuck up
your day j
2057
01:36:46,301 --> 01:36:50,590
j don't let the shit they do
get in under your skin &
2058
01:36:50,763 --> 01:36:53,129
j got to push it aside j
2059
01:36:53,308 --> 01:36:56,471
j and keep pushing ahead j
2060
01:36:56,644 --> 01:37:00,102
j ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass j
2061
01:37:00,273 --> 01:37:03,982
j keep up,
just keep coming back j
2062
01:37:04,152 --> 01:37:06,017
j don't let it get you down j
2063
01:37:06,195 --> 01:37:07,560
j got to keep going &
2064
01:37:07,739 --> 01:37:10,105
j keep moving
in forward motion I
2065
01:37:10,283 --> 01:37:13,366
j keep moving in
forward motion &
2066
01:37:14,412 --> 01:37:16,778
j don't let nothing
ever slow you down j
2067
01:37:16,956 --> 01:37:18,321
j keep on j
2068
01:37:18,499 --> 01:37:20,490
j hit the gas,
get your speed on j
2069
01:37:20,668 --> 01:37:23,410
j never look back, no reason j
2070
01:37:24,464 --> 01:37:26,876
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2071
01:37:27,050 --> 01:37:30,508
j stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2072
01:37:30,678 --> 01:37:33,169
j stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2073
01:37:33,348 --> 01:37:34,679
j stop you, stop-stop j
2074
01:37:34,849 --> 01:37:36,589
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2075
01:37:36,768 --> 01:37:40,761
j don't let the darkness get
in the way of your light &
2076
01:37:40,938 --> 01:37:43,600
j don't let it mess
with your head j
2077
01:37:43,775 --> 01:37:46,733
j don't let it
shut off your shine &
2078
01:37:46,903 --> 01:37:48,359
j you're on the fast track j
2079
01:37:48,529 --> 01:37:51,020
j they're just stuck
in reverse j
2080
01:37:51,199 --> 01:37:53,815
j leave 'em under your wheels j
2081
01:37:53,993 --> 01:37:56,951
I kick 'em all to the curb j
2082
01:37:57,121 --> 01:38:00,579
j ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass j
2083
01:38:00,750 --> 01:38:04,368
j get up,
just keep coming back j
2084
01:38:04,545 --> 01:38:06,706
j don't let it keep you down j
2085
01:38:06,881 --> 01:38:08,291
j got to keep going &
2086
01:38:08,466 --> 01:38:10,832
j keep moving
in forward motion I
2087
01:38:11,010 --> 01:38:13,843
j keep moving in
forward motion &
2088
01:38:14,972 --> 01:38:17,304
j don't let nothing
ever slow you down j
2089
01:38:17,475 --> 01:38:18,806
j keep on j
2090
01:38:18,976 --> 01:38:21,342
j hit the gas,
get your speed on j
2091
01:38:21,521 --> 01:38:23,978
j never look back, no reason j
2092
01:38:25,024 --> 01:38:27,390
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2093
01:38:27,568 --> 01:38:31,106
j stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2094
01:38:31,280 --> 01:38:33,646
j stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2095
01:38:33,825 --> 01:38:35,156
j stop you, stop-stop j
2096
01:38:35,326 --> 01:38:37,112
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2097
01:38:37,286 --> 01:38:39,402
j so any time the drama comes j
2098
01:38:39,580 --> 01:38:41,992
j don't let it get
anywhere near you j
2099
01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:44,532
j just go and leave it
in the dust &
2100
01:38:44,710 --> 01:38:47,042
j just disappearing
in the rear-view j
2101
01:38:47,213 --> 01:38:50,046
j you're on a ride
that's just beginning j
2102
01:38:50,216 --> 01:38:52,707
j know you got no limits j
2103
01:38:52,885 --> 01:38:55,092
j oh, so just go with it j
2104
01:38:55,263 --> 01:38:57,219
j don't let it get you down j
2105
01:38:57,390 --> 01:38:59,426
j got to keep going &
2106
01:38:59,600 --> 01:39:01,556
j going, going j
2107
01:39:01,727 --> 01:39:03,888
j got to keep going &
2108
01:39:04,063 --> 01:39:07,055
j going, going, going &
2109
01:39:07,233 --> 01:39:08,939
j got to keep going &
2110
01:39:09,110 --> 01:39:11,317
j keep moving
in forward motion I
2111
01:39:11,487 --> 01:39:13,603
j keep moving in
forward motion &
2112
01:39:13,781 --> 01:39:15,442
j keep moving in forward j
2113
01:39:15,616 --> 01:39:18,073
j don't let nothing
ever slow you down j
2114
01:39:18,244 --> 01:39:19,575
j keep on j
2115
01:39:19,745 --> 01:39:21,861
j hit the gas,
get your speed on j
2116
01:39:22,039 --> 01:39:24,530
j never look back, no reason j
2117
01:39:25,585 --> 01:39:27,621
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2118
01:39:27,795 --> 01:39:29,160
j got to keep going &
2119
01:39:29,338 --> 01:39:31,454
j keep moving
in forward motion I
2120
01:39:31,632 --> 01:39:34,214
j keep moving in
forward motion &
2121
01:39:34,385 --> 01:39:35,716
> yeah j
2122
01:39:35,887 --> 01:39:38,253
j don't let nothing
ever slow you down j
2123
01:39:38,431 --> 01:39:39,762
j keep on j
2124
01:39:39,932 --> 01:39:42,093
j hit the gas,
get your speed on j
2125
01:39:42,268 --> 01:39:44,850
j never look back, no reason j
2126
01:39:45,897 --> 01:39:48,354
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2127
01:39:48,524 --> 01:39:52,016
j stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2128
01:39:52,195 --> 01:39:54,561
j stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2129
01:39:54,739 --> 01:39:56,070
j stop you, stop-stop j
2130
01:39:56,240 --> 01:39:58,322
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now j
2131
01:39:58,493 --> 01:40:02,202
j stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2132
01:40:02,371 --> 01:40:04,657
j stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now j
2133
01:40:04,832 --> 01:40:06,197
j stop you, stop-stop j
2134
01:40:06,375 --> 01:40:09,242
j no, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now. J
163455
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