Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:28,132 --> 00:00:31,343
In 1991,
she became the first female
2
00:00:31,510 --> 00:00:33,238
late-night talk-show host
on a major network.
3
00:00:33,262 --> 00:00:34,942
Tonight
with Katherine Newbury
4
00:00:35,014 --> 00:00:36,515
is the gold standard...
5
00:00:36,682 --> 00:00:39,059
She has hosted
over 6,000 episodes,
6
00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:40,978
winning 43
Primetime Emmy Awards...
7
00:00:41,145 --> 00:00:42,354
She's brilliant.
8
00:00:42,521 --> 00:00:44,190
She is excellence
without compromise.
9
00:00:44,356 --> 00:00:45,667
Ladies and gentlemen,
10
00:00:45,691 --> 00:00:46,901
please welcome to the stage
11
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,986
- this year's recipient...
- Three, two.
12
00:00:49,153 --> 00:00:51,238
...of the American Humor Award,
13
00:00:51,405 --> 00:00:55,075
Katherine Newbury.
14
00:00:55,242 --> 00:00:56,786
Thank you so much
15
00:00:56,952 --> 00:00:59,705
for this incredible honor,
although I do have to say
16
00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:02,333
I think America is in
a tough spot if it's giving
17
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,781
this amazing award for American
comedy to an Englishwoman.
18
00:01:04,919 --> 00:01:06,354
I guess they're right--
19
00:01:06,378 --> 00:01:07,838
foreigners are taking
all your jobs.
20
00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:09,507
I mean, what happened?
21
00:01:09,673 --> 00:01:12,426
Is there no one funny left
in the country?
22
00:01:12,593 --> 00:01:13,719
Is Martin Short dead?
23
00:01:13,886 --> 00:01:15,012
What about Jerry Seinfeld?
24
00:01:15,179 --> 00:01:16,806
Or how about Alec Baldwin?
25
00:01:16,972 --> 00:01:18,265
I mean, come on.
26
00:01:18,432 --> 00:01:20,351
Did someone blow up
the Hamptons?
27
00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,645
Whatever the reason,
I'm assuming I'm here because,
28
00:01:22,812 --> 00:01:27,024
28 years ago, you gave me
the greatest honor of my life.
29
00:01:27,191 --> 00:01:28,901
You made me the host
30
00:01:29,068 --> 00:01:31,737
of Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
31
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,870
Oh, God.
32
00:01:40,037 --> 00:01:42,456
I have hated many pairs
of shoes in my time,
33
00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:44,542
but none more than these.
34
00:01:44,708 --> 00:01:47,169
And everything hurts.
I'm in hell. How are you?
35
00:01:47,336 --> 00:01:49,129
- I liked your speech.
- But you have notes.
36
00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:51,048
- I know you have notes.
- My only note is
37
00:01:51,215 --> 00:01:53,496
- to drink as much as you want.
- I ran into Steve Martin.
38
00:01:53,634 --> 00:01:55,469
- He sends his love.
- He sends his love?
39
00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:58,681
Jesus Christ.
How sick do people think I am?
40
00:01:58,848 --> 00:02:00,516
Oh, please don't die
before I get home.
41
00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:03,102
I haven't got the strength
to organize your funeral.
42
00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,105
- Go party.
- Are you kidding?
43
00:02:06,272 --> 00:02:08,607
My Spanx have actually cut off
the blood supply to my head.
44
00:02:08,774 --> 00:02:10,860
I'm going to bed.
45
00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:12,866
- Good night, my love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
46
00:02:15,823 --> 00:02:17,449
You know what I hate?
47
00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:18,826
Those friends who are like,
48
00:02:18,993 --> 00:02:20,313
"Oh, can you take off
your shoes?"
49
00:02:20,369 --> 00:02:22,496
Nope, not taking 'em off.
50
00:02:22,663 --> 00:02:24,039
You know why?
51
00:02:24,206 --> 00:02:25,958
'Cause this is not Japan.
52
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,669
It's the United States
of America.
53
00:02:28,836 --> 00:02:31,255
Next time you go
to a friend's house
54
00:02:31,422 --> 00:02:33,048
and that friend says,
"Ooh, hold on,
55
00:02:33,215 --> 00:02:35,217
can you take your shoes off?"
Here's what you do.
56
00:02:35,384 --> 00:02:37,052
You take one of their shoes,
57
00:02:37,219 --> 00:02:39,346
and you take a shit in it.
58
00:02:39,513 --> 00:02:41,098
All right?
Right in front of them.
59
00:02:41,265 --> 00:02:43,225
Boom.
You're welcome, America.
60
00:02:43,392 --> 00:02:45,895
Oh, what a wanker.
61
00:02:47,646 --> 00:02:48,665
Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
62
00:02:48,689 --> 00:02:49,940
So, how did the speech go?
63
00:02:50,107 --> 00:02:51,251
Did you like
what the writers wrote?
64
00:02:51,275 --> 00:02:52,818
Well, I kept the last line.
65
00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,070
"Thank you for this honor.
Good night."
66
00:02:55,237 --> 00:02:56,780
I'll take that as a no.
67
00:02:56,947 --> 00:02:59,408
Okay, so the network
has been trying to contact us.
68
00:02:59,575 --> 00:03:01,577
You have to call Caroline back.
69
00:03:01,744 --> 00:03:04,204
Oh, I was just reading
about her. Yeah, here.
70
00:03:04,371 --> 00:03:07,374
"As a female
president of a network..."
71
00:03:07,541 --> 00:03:10,127
"As a female..."
72
00:03:10,294 --> 00:03:11,378
So tacky.
73
00:03:11,545 --> 00:03:12,963
"I want to remind my network
74
00:03:13,130 --> 00:03:14,524
"that show business
is still business.
75
00:03:14,548 --> 00:03:16,068
When I was at
Harvard Business School,"
76
00:03:16,216 --> 00:03:18,069
where, apparently,
she majored in name-dropping,
77
00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,471
"I learned that if we're not
hitting prospective consumers
78
00:03:20,638 --> 00:03:22,848
"in all four quadrants,
we are not going to make
79
00:03:23,015 --> 00:03:25,017
a return on our investment."
She sounds hilarious.
80
00:03:25,184 --> 00:03:27,311
- I can't wait to call her back.
- Great.
81
00:03:27,478 --> 00:03:29,188
And Gabe Eichler
is waiting to talk to you.
82
00:03:29,355 --> 00:03:31,982
- I don't know who that is.
- He's one of our writers.
83
00:03:33,025 --> 00:03:34,401
Whoopee.
84
00:03:34,568 --> 00:03:36,153
I'm in a single-income
household,
85
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,323
and Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.
86
00:03:39,490 --> 00:03:41,241
Adorable, huh?
87
00:03:41,408 --> 00:03:43,202
She takes after you.
88
00:03:43,369 --> 00:03:44,495
Yeah. Thanks.
89
00:03:44,662 --> 00:03:46,246
So there's just
a lot of expenses
90
00:03:46,413 --> 00:03:49,416
at home right now, and...
I think it's time for a raise.
91
00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:51,752
I see.
92
00:03:51,919 --> 00:03:54,505
This is actually
very exciting to me.
93
00:03:54,672 --> 00:03:56,882
- Really? Great.
- Because what you're describing
94
00:03:57,049 --> 00:04:00,386
is the most clear-cut example
of the classic sexist argument
95
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:02,554
for the advancement of men
in the workplace.
96
00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:04,556
You're asking for a raise
not because of
97
00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:06,117
any work-related contribution
you've made,
98
00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,935
but simply because
you have a family.
99
00:04:08,102 --> 00:04:10,854
And that's why, in the 1950s,
family men were promoted
100
00:04:11,021 --> 00:04:12,606
over the women
they worked with.
101
00:04:12,773 --> 00:04:14,191
I've never encountered it,
actually,
102
00:04:14,358 --> 00:04:16,527
in such a clean, teachable way.
103
00:04:16,694 --> 00:04:18,862
I don't think that's at all
what's happening.
104
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:20,406
I can't give you a raise, Gabe.
105
00:04:20,572 --> 00:04:22,658
- It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.
- What?
106
00:04:22,825 --> 00:04:24,511
Well, your situations
are virtually identical.
107
00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:26,078
A drug addict makes
certain decisions
108
00:04:26,245 --> 00:04:28,080
outside of work
for their sense of self
109
00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:30,040
and comfort,
and then the addiction
110
00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,793
demands more time, more energy,
more money, just like a child.
111
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,170
- My child's like a drug problem?
- Exactly.
112
00:04:35,337 --> 00:04:37,107
You want special treatment.
I'm sure you can see
113
00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:40,050
how unfair that would be
to a single man or-or woman.
114
00:04:40,217 --> 00:04:41,635
There are no women
on this staff.
115
00:04:41,802 --> 00:04:43,530
- Gabe. -And the reason
there aren't any women
116
00:04:43,554 --> 00:04:44,763
is because you hate women.
117
00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:46,932
So you can sit there
spouting all this
118
00:04:47,099 --> 00:04:48,368
pseudo-feminist bullshit,
but we all know
119
00:04:48,392 --> 00:04:49,560
what's going on here.
120
00:04:49,727 --> 00:04:51,770
We need to hire a woman.
121
00:04:51,937 --> 00:04:54,231
You're fired, obviously.
122
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,860
Just so you know,
123
00:04:58,027 --> 00:04:59,695
this show sucks
and has for years.
124
00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,613
Everybody's here
for the paycheck.
125
00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,700
That would mean so much more
coming from someone with a job.
126
00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,118
Sorry, man.
127
00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:07,953
Yeah, sorry.
128
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,831
Bradley, I don't hate women.
129
00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:13,542
I don't think you think
you hate women.
130
00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:15,127
What does that mean?
131
00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:17,421
I think you might have
a problem with women.
132
00:05:17,588 --> 00:05:19,548
I love Mary Tyler Moore.
I love Gilda Radner.
133
00:05:19,715 --> 00:05:22,342
They're both dead.
I-I think you have a problem
134
00:05:22,509 --> 00:05:24,109
with living female writers
on your staff.
135
00:05:24,219 --> 00:05:25,779
You never want to renew
their contracts.
136
00:05:25,929 --> 00:05:27,890
Well, find me one
worth keeping.
137
00:05:28,057 --> 00:05:29,892
- Would a gay guy work?
- No!
138
00:05:32,144 --> 00:05:34,104
♪ ♪
139
00:05:51,538 --> 00:05:54,500
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
140
00:05:54,666 --> 00:05:57,961
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
141
00:05:58,128 --> 00:05:59,213
God!
142
00:05:59,379 --> 00:06:01,256
Okay, all right, all right.
143
00:06:06,845 --> 00:06:08,472
Oh, there's my guy.
144
00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:10,307
- How are you, buddy? Hey.
- Good.
145
00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:11,868
You guys remember my
little brother, Hayes, right?
146
00:06:11,892 --> 00:06:13,492
- Hey. -He's the funny one
in the family.
147
00:06:13,602 --> 00:06:15,896
- Oh. What?
- Wait, someone in your family is funny?
148
00:06:16,063 --> 00:06:17,356
Hey, man.
149
00:06:17,523 --> 00:06:18,917
Hayes, your timing
could not be better.
150
00:06:18,941 --> 00:06:20,418
- Gabe got fired last week.
- Oh, yeah.
151
00:06:20,442 --> 00:06:22,361
See, Gabe asked
if he could go home
152
00:06:22,528 --> 00:06:24,363
and have dinner with his kids.
Suicide.
153
00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,299
Yeah, so listen, so when you go
in there, okay, no commitments.
154
00:06:26,323 --> 00:06:27,634
- Okay.
- No girlfriend. All right?
155
00:06:27,658 --> 00:06:29,243
- You're a monk.
- All right.
156
00:06:29,409 --> 00:06:31,262
- Monk. I'm a monk.
- Dad already called the network.
157
00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:32,806
- You got this.
-: You got this.
158
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,164
- Thank you.
- Good luck, man.
159
00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:35,571
- Thanks.
- Text me after, okay?
160
00:06:35,624 --> 00:06:37,167
All right.
161
00:06:44,508 --> 00:06:46,051
So, you worked
at "Chemical Plant."
162
00:06:46,218 --> 00:06:47,553
Is that a cable show?
163
00:06:47,719 --> 00:06:49,179
No, it's a place.
164
00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:50,973
It's a... a chemical plant.
165
00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:52,891
I still work there, actually.
166
00:06:53,058 --> 00:06:54,893
How did you even hear
about this job?
167
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,287
Your submission came
from Margaret Yang
168
00:06:56,311 --> 00:06:57,563
at Human Resources.
169
00:06:57,729 --> 00:06:58,957
At the chemical plant
where I work,
170
00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:00,399
there is a corkboard--
171
00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:01,984
you know,
where people hang notices
172
00:07:02,151 --> 00:07:04,236
for bikes, futons,
missing cats--
173
00:07:04,403 --> 00:07:06,321
and one day, I saw a notice
174
00:07:06,488 --> 00:07:08,740
for a company-sponsored
essay contest
175
00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:11,869
where the prize was you could
meet any executive you want.
176
00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:13,453
- An essay contest?
- Yes.
177
00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:15,247
To meet an executive, like...
178
00:07:15,414 --> 00:07:16,832
the head of the chemical plant?
179
00:07:16,999 --> 00:07:18,333
Yes, I think that's what
180
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,127
you could have picked,
traditionally.
181
00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:21,879
- But you didn't?
- No.
182
00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,381
I picked Vernon Gleason,
the chief operating officer
183
00:07:24,548 --> 00:07:26,967
for all of Mainline Chemical,
which owns my plant,
184
00:07:27,134 --> 00:07:29,887
but also owns Comtech,
which owns this network,
185
00:07:30,053 --> 00:07:32,014
which owns Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
186
00:07:32,181 --> 00:07:34,433
So... so you went
187
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,518
to our parent's parent company
188
00:07:36,685 --> 00:07:38,312
in order to make
this interview?
189
00:07:38,478 --> 00:07:40,647
- Yep.
- And you have no experience in comedy?
190
00:07:40,814 --> 00:07:42,191
No.
No, I'm obsessed with comedy.
191
00:07:42,357 --> 00:07:43,984
No, I've seen every episode
of this show.
192
00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:45,903
I-I've read every book
written about it.
193
00:07:46,069 --> 00:07:48,280
- I do a little stand-up.
- Where?
194
00:07:48,447 --> 00:07:50,407
If you have a problem,
ask a chemist.
195
00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:53,243
She'll always have the solution.
196
00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:56,413
Which kills with people
who know about chemistry.
197
00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:57,765
And I'm actually emceeing
a benefit
198
00:07:57,789 --> 00:07:58,832
in the city pretty soon.
199
00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:00,250
- It's kind of cool.
- Um...
200
00:08:00,417 --> 00:08:02,669
"Cancer Isn't Funny:
A Night of Comedy
201
00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:05,505
in Support of Lung Cancer."
Jesus Christ.
202
00:08:07,257 --> 00:08:08,967
- Yes.
- Yeah, it's me.
203
00:08:09,134 --> 00:08:10,552
Did you hire a woman yet?
204
00:08:10,719 --> 00:08:14,056
- Uh, working on it.
- What's taking so long?
205
00:08:14,223 --> 00:08:16,201
The submissions haven't exactly
been the strongest.
206
00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:17,345
Just hire a woman!
207
00:08:20,938 --> 00:08:22,856
I also wanted to add
208
00:08:23,023 --> 00:08:25,108
that I live with
my aunt and uncle
209
00:08:25,275 --> 00:08:26,902
and 11-year-old cousin
in Queens.
210
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,487
I have no friends,
no boyfriend.
211
00:08:28,654 --> 00:08:29,863
I am a monk.
212
00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:31,657
This job would be
my entire life.
213
00:08:31,823 --> 00:08:33,951
Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?
214
00:08:34,117 --> 00:08:35,869
- Litigious?
- A TV writers' room is...
215
00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:39,706
it's not very PC. It can be
a pretty masculine environment.
216
00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:41,458
Oh. I saw most of the writers.
217
00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:43,669
I'm not overly worried
about masculinity.
218
00:08:43,835 --> 00:08:45,837
Oh.
219
00:08:48,966 --> 00:08:51,426
Uh... you're hired.
220
00:08:51,593 --> 00:08:53,470
For 13 weeks--
and if it doesn't work out,
221
00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:55,197
which it probably won't,
you'll be gone.
222
00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:56,723
I can't believe this.
223
00:08:56,890 --> 00:08:58,684
I thought this was going
very badly.
224
00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:00,227
It did, and then it didn't.
225
00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:02,020
Okay, here's my spiel
to all new writers.
226
00:09:02,187 --> 00:09:03,939
Nothing funny happened
after 1995.
227
00:09:04,106 --> 00:09:05,607
Don't talk about the Internet.
228
00:09:05,774 --> 00:09:07,234
She doesn't want
to leave her desk.
229
00:09:07,401 --> 00:09:09,045
She certainly doesn't want
to leave the office.
230
00:09:09,069 --> 00:09:10,338
- Here's the new schedule.
- Don't rock the boat.
231
00:09:10,362 --> 00:09:11,780
Oh, but don't use
the expression,
232
00:09:11,947 --> 00:09:13,949
"Don't rock the boat,"
'cause she hates it.
233
00:09:14,116 --> 00:09:16,118
Got it?
234
00:09:16,285 --> 00:09:18,745
Didn't you pitch us this same
exact thing last week?
235
00:09:18,912 --> 00:09:20,706
- Yes.
- I didn't... okay, well, I did
236
00:09:20,872 --> 00:09:22,475
- a different iteration.
- Pitched that same thing.
237
00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:25,377
Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um...
238
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:26,962
- What's your name again?
- Molly.
239
00:09:27,129 --> 00:09:29,089
Malee. She used to work
at a chemical plant,
240
00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:30,841
and now she's working here.
241
00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:32,342
Oh. Oh, thank God.
We're starving.
242
00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:33,802
Uh, can you find out what
243
00:09:33,969 --> 00:09:35,512
the soup of the day is
at Au Bon Pain?
244
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,031
Oh, and I need you
to send some packages
245
00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:38,473
back to L.L.Bean for me.
246
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,159
She's not a
production assistant, dipshits.
247
00:09:40,183 --> 00:09:42,227
- She's the new writer.
- Mm-hmm.
248
00:09:43,812 --> 00:09:44,896
Hi.
249
00:09:46,606 --> 00:09:48,650
So, you start
tomorrow at 10:00.
250
00:09:48,817 --> 00:09:50,027
- Great.
- Okay.
251
00:09:52,237 --> 00:09:53,822
♪ ♪
252
00:09:53,989 --> 00:09:55,324
Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
253
00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:06,126
Are you okay?
254
00:10:06,293 --> 00:10:08,879
I'm so happy, I feel sick.
255
00:10:12,799 --> 00:10:14,259
That's our show, everyone.
256
00:10:14,426 --> 00:10:17,054
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
257
00:10:22,976 --> 00:10:24,311
- Brad.
- Yeah.
258
00:10:24,478 --> 00:10:26,313
Who is the woman
who was the second guest?
259
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,481
Dianne Feinstein?
260
00:10:27,647 --> 00:10:29,566
U.S. Senator?
261
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:32,053
I thought it was Mike Myers
doing a bit in old-lady makeup.
262
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:34,696
Jesus Christ. Why does she keep
booking these boring old broads
263
00:10:34,863 --> 00:10:36,990
when I rep the funniest
comedians in the city?
264
00:10:37,157 --> 00:10:38,477
Probably because I have
265
00:10:38,617 --> 00:10:40,327
a soft spot
for boring old broads.
266
00:10:40,494 --> 00:10:42,245
Speaking as one, hello, Billy.
267
00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,539
- Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.
268
00:10:44,706 --> 00:10:46,625
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a visit
269
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:48,392
from the world's pushiest
talent manager?
270
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:50,420
How about getting some
of my guys on the show?
271
00:10:50,587 --> 00:10:52,172
It'll shake the dust off
of this place.
272
00:10:52,339 --> 00:10:54,007
Dust?
273
00:10:54,174 --> 00:10:56,110
- Well... -Okay, Billy, I think
your charm is wearing off.
274
00:10:56,134 --> 00:10:58,470
- I'll-I'll walk you out.
- You know I'm right.
275
00:11:01,473 --> 00:11:03,100
Good for you.
276
00:11:03,266 --> 00:11:04,684
Uh, you're going to go
celebrate
277
00:11:04,851 --> 00:11:06,228
- with your friends?
- Mm-hmm.
278
00:11:06,395 --> 00:11:08,122
- We're gonna go get drinks.
- You deserve it.
279
00:11:08,146 --> 00:11:09,874
Okay, Mom, well, I don't want
to keep them waiting.
280
00:11:09,898 --> 00:11:11,400
I better go.
281
00:11:11,566 --> 00:11:13,693
- Was that the microwave?
- Oh, no, it's the doorbell.
282
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,655
Be right there, you guys!
Okay, I got to go.
283
00:11:25,539 --> 00:11:27,374
Where did that catchphrase
come from?
284
00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:30,669
"I hope I earned the privilege
of your time"?
285
00:11:30,836 --> 00:11:32,462
It came from me.
286
00:11:32,629 --> 00:11:34,589
Sign of respect
for my audience.
287
00:11:34,756 --> 00:11:36,216
Your audience.
288
00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:38,343
Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.
289
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,137
It's cute. I like it.
290
00:11:40,303 --> 00:11:41,721
That's a little insulting,
isn't it?
291
00:11:41,888 --> 00:11:43,608
Do you know what's insulting?
Waiting a week
292
00:11:43,682 --> 00:11:45,642
for one of your employees
to call you back.
293
00:11:45,809 --> 00:11:49,104
I apologize. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.
294
00:11:49,271 --> 00:11:50,991
Comedy is the
three-and-a-half-minute chunks
295
00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:54,025
of filler on TV between
the commercials you sell.
296
00:11:55,485 --> 00:11:58,321
I came to tell you
this year is your last.
297
00:11:58,488 --> 00:11:59,614
What?
298
00:11:59,781 --> 00:12:02,451
This season is your last.
299
00:12:04,744 --> 00:12:06,580
You're canceling the show?
300
00:12:06,746 --> 00:12:08,123
No, I'm canceling you.
301
00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:10,459
This show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.
302
00:12:10,625 --> 00:12:12,794
Do you want to know
who Jimmy Fallon had on
303
00:12:12,961 --> 00:12:15,881
last Tuesday when you had
Doris Kearns Goodwin?
304
00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:17,424
Robert Downey Jr.
305
00:12:17,591 --> 00:12:18,884
They washed a sheepdog
together.
306
00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,510
It was fucking glorious.
307
00:12:20,677 --> 00:12:22,345
I'm sorry, Caroline.
308
00:12:22,512 --> 00:12:24,365
Should I have played
giant Connect Four with her
309
00:12:24,389 --> 00:12:25,589
or perhaps sung a karaoke song
310
00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:27,309
on the back
of a tandem bicycle?
311
00:12:27,476 --> 00:12:29,328
It's Doris Kearns Goodwin.
She's a national treasure.
312
00:12:29,352 --> 00:12:31,104
Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an Avenger
313
00:12:31,271 --> 00:12:33,111
instead of writing books
about Abraham Lincoln.
314
00:12:33,231 --> 00:12:35,293
- She could be an Avenger if she tried.
- Your ratings
315
00:12:35,317 --> 00:12:37,128
have been in a steady decline
the past ten years.
316
00:12:37,152 --> 00:12:39,213
You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.
317
00:12:39,237 --> 00:12:40,947
The worst part is,
you seem proud of it,
318
00:12:41,114 --> 00:12:43,325
as if it's beneath you
to put forth any effort.
319
00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:46,119
It's so... English.
320
00:12:46,286 --> 00:12:48,955
I'm sure that attitude scores
you points at dinner parties,
321
00:12:49,122 --> 00:12:51,042
- but unfortun...
- I don't go to dinner parties.
322
00:12:51,124 --> 00:12:52,324
Who are you replacing me with?
323
00:12:52,459 --> 00:12:54,127
Well, we haven't
decided yet, but...
324
00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:55,879
we will.
325
00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:01,718
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
326
00:13:06,389 --> 00:13:08,683
After all the years,
the decades
327
00:13:08,850 --> 00:13:10,769
I've put into that show,
can you believe it?
328
00:13:10,936 --> 00:13:12,604
As a matter of fact, I can.
329
00:13:12,771 --> 00:13:14,606
They're all a bunch of idiots.
330
00:13:14,773 --> 00:13:16,834
I mean, this is the cyclical
nature of late-night TV.
331
00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:19,569
There are gonna be highs,
and there are gonna be slumps.
332
00:13:19,736 --> 00:13:22,656
This particular slump
has lasted for over a decade.
333
00:13:22,822 --> 00:13:24,908
- What? -The show hasn't
been good for years.
334
00:13:25,075 --> 00:13:28,161
Wow. I'm glad your candor's
still intact.
335
00:13:34,584 --> 00:13:36,628
Sorry.
336
00:13:36,795 --> 00:13:39,130
But if you felt this way,
why, for God's sake,
337
00:13:39,297 --> 00:13:40,465
didn't you say something?
338
00:13:40,632 --> 00:13:42,259
I thought you knew
and didn't care.
339
00:13:42,425 --> 00:13:43,677
- No.
- Are you sure?
340
00:13:43,843 --> 00:13:45,262
Walter, I have invested
in precisely
341
00:13:45,428 --> 00:13:47,639
you and this show.
342
00:13:47,806 --> 00:13:49,349
I won't lose it now.
I can't.
343
00:13:49,516 --> 00:13:51,142
Then you have to fight again.
344
00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:53,812
Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.
345
00:13:53,979 --> 00:13:57,190
They want to replace you.
346
00:13:57,357 --> 00:13:59,234
But they can't replace you
347
00:13:59,401 --> 00:14:00,569
if everyone loves you.
348
00:14:04,781 --> 00:14:07,492
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
349
00:14:14,165 --> 00:14:15,417
Good morning!
350
00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:17,294
Oh, my God, you are so funny.
351
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,671
Why am I even awake right now?
I'm a stand-up.
352
00:14:19,838 --> 00:14:21,758
I didn't even start my set
till 10:00 last night.
353
00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:23,734
Yeah, why did Brad want us here
so early anyway?
354
00:14:23,758 --> 00:14:24,968
That makes me kind of nervous.
355
00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:26,928
You're nervous?
That's surprising.
356
00:14:27,095 --> 00:14:29,931
Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.
357
00:14:30,098 --> 00:14:33,810
Caroline Morton? Why would the
head of the network come here?
358
00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:52,305
Well, hopefully, they don't lay
everybody off, you know?
359
00:14:52,329 --> 00:14:54,247
- I need this job.
- They did fire Gabe.
360
00:14:54,414 --> 00:14:56,791
- Hey, babe. -Gabe should have
been fired years ago.
361
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,127
He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."
362
00:14:59,294 --> 00:15:00,670
Hey, dickhead,
I shared an office
363
00:15:00,837 --> 00:15:02,464
with that guy for 17 years.
364
00:15:02,631 --> 00:15:05,008
- Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.
- Fuck him.
365
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:06,801
I thought you said Kimmel
wasn't hiring.
366
00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:09,030
Guys, there's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.
367
00:15:09,054 --> 00:15:10,764
Maybe she wants
to sleep with me.
368
00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:13,224
Hey, man, it's a little early
in the morning for you to be
369
00:15:13,391 --> 00:15:15,036
this sexually charged, okay,
so let's just...
370
00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,820
Uh, sorry to interrupt
your coffee cake
371
00:15:16,895 --> 00:15:19,356
and catching up, but Katherine
is in the writers' room.
372
00:15:23,693 --> 00:15:25,654
God.
373
00:15:28,073 --> 00:15:29,783
Uh, if I may,
I just want to say,
374
00:15:29,949 --> 00:15:32,452
it is such an honor
to meet you, Ms. Newbury.
375
00:15:32,619 --> 00:15:34,162
I'm Chris Reynolds.
376
00:15:34,329 --> 00:15:36,498
Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso,
and when my parents
377
00:15:36,665 --> 00:15:38,601
- got divorced, this show...
- I don't know who any of you are.
378
00:15:38,625 --> 00:15:40,210
I don't know
who any of them are.
379
00:15:40,377 --> 00:15:42,504
- Um...
- Oh, well,
380
00:15:42,671 --> 00:15:45,507
uh, Tom.
I'm-I'm Tom.
381
00:15:45,674 --> 00:15:47,926
I, uh... I write the monologue.
I'm actually the youngest
382
00:15:48,093 --> 00:15:49,612
monologue writer
in the history of the show.
383
00:15:49,636 --> 00:15:50,863
No, no, no.
Don't care.
384
00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:52,097
- No? Okay.
- Do you know what?
385
00:15:52,263 --> 00:15:53,723
I'm not gonna remember
any of this,
386
00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:55,076
so here's what we're gonna do.
Um, you're One.
387
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,977
Two. Three.
388
00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:00,772
Four.
389
00:16:00,939 --> 00:16:02,190
Hi, Katherine.
390
00:16:02,357 --> 00:16:04,776
Oh, Burditt. Thank God.
How's your baby?
391
00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:06,236
She's 27.
392
00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:07,904
Her baby's doing well.
393
00:16:08,071 --> 00:16:09,447
She just started preschool.
394
00:16:09,614 --> 00:16:11,008
She's, uh...
395
00:16:11,032 --> 00:16:12,450
Never mind.
I-I don't want to know.
396
00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:14,497
I don't know why I asked,
actually. You're Five.
397
00:16:14,536 --> 00:16:16,430
Six. Seven. That's what I'm
gonna call you all from now on.
398
00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:18,474
- It's just easier.
- Are we allowed to call each other
399
00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:19,624
by our own names?
400
00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:20,935
J-Just learn the numbers,
Reynolds.
401
00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:22,168
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean Two.
402
00:16:22,335 --> 00:16:23,753
- Yeah.
- Can One and I switch?
403
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,630
I'm-I'm just...
I'm the most senior writer.
404
00:16:26,715 --> 00:16:27,882
I'll take Seven. Seven.
405
00:16:28,049 --> 00:16:29,318
- Lucky Seven.
- Okay, can we just
406
00:16:29,342 --> 00:16:30,635
get into it now
and see if we can
407
00:16:30,802 --> 00:16:32,321
- salvage anything worth taping?
- Yes.
408
00:16:32,345 --> 00:16:35,348
You-you had that
"Trapped in the Closet" thing.
409
00:16:35,515 --> 00:16:38,518
Why are you dressed like
you work HR at a funeral home?
410
00:16:38,685 --> 00:16:39,925
Pavarti,
I don't look like that.
411
00:16:40,019 --> 00:16:41,396
I look professional.
412
00:16:41,563 --> 00:16:44,315
Like I work HR at a law firm.
413
00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:46,526
♪ ♪
414
00:17:03,001 --> 00:17:04,812
Um, anyway,
but it's something like that.
415
00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:06,796
- Yeah, you start.
- Okay, um...
416
00:17:06,963 --> 00:17:08,214
Now, but it could be funny.
417
00:17:08,381 --> 00:17:09,692
- That-that'd be your job.
- Who are you?
418
00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:10,717
Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly.
419
00:17:10,884 --> 00:17:12,552
I'm a new writer.
420
00:17:12,719 --> 00:17:14,947
- Uh, the new female writer.
- Yeah, I can see that, Brad.
421
00:17:14,971 --> 00:17:16,222
What are those?
422
00:17:16,389 --> 00:17:17,766
These are cupcakes.
423
00:17:17,932 --> 00:17:19,809
They're my way
of saying thank you
424
00:17:19,976 --> 00:17:22,312
- for this amazing opportun...
- You're late.
425
00:17:22,479 --> 00:17:24,314
Late?
426
00:17:24,481 --> 00:17:26,983
I thought I was
almost two hours early.
427
00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:28,735
Does it look like you're early?
428
00:17:28,902 --> 00:17:30,570
Uh, Brad told her
we start at 10:00.
429
00:17:30,737 --> 00:17:31,738
Oh.
430
00:17:32,655 --> 00:17:34,407
Well, get in here, then.
431
00:17:34,574 --> 00:17:36,254
- Should I...
- What? You want to sit down?
432
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,536
Okay. Yeah.
433
00:17:38,703 --> 00:17:40,343
Oh, that's where
Mendelsohn sits.
434
00:17:40,413 --> 00:17:42,415
He's in the bathroom, so...
435
00:17:42,582 --> 00:17:45,418
- Okay.
- And that's McCrary's seat.
436
00:17:45,585 --> 00:17:47,086
- Oh.
- Where is McCrary?
437
00:17:47,253 --> 00:17:49,380
I told everyone
to be here at 8:00.
438
00:17:49,547 --> 00:17:50,381
Oh, he got a call
from his girlfriend,
439
00:17:50,548 --> 00:17:51,716
so it's gonna be a while.
440
00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:53,593
They're actually
newly long-distance,
441
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,112
- and I think it's been really hard for her.
- Has it been?
442
00:17:55,136 --> 00:17:56,489
Has it been hard
for McCrary's girlfriend?
443
00:17:56,513 --> 00:17:58,014
Oh, wow, he must be
such a catch.
444
00:17:58,181 --> 00:18:00,350
- Could you sit down, please?
- Uh, I-I-I want to.
445
00:18:00,517 --> 00:18:02,060
- I'm trying.
- Could you try harder?
446
00:18:02,227 --> 00:18:04,562
Uh, yes.
447
00:18:04,729 --> 00:18:06,940
Oh, okay. I'll just use,
uh, this trash can.
448
00:18:07,106 --> 00:18:10,693
There's... you know, there's
hardly any trash in it at all.
449
00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:12,403
- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Yeah.
450
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,114
Ooh, it's kind of comfortable.
Better than a chair.
451
00:18:15,281 --> 00:18:16,574
- You're Eight.
- What?
452
00:18:16,741 --> 00:18:17,951
Your name is Eight.
453
00:18:18,117 --> 00:18:19,517
- I'm Molly.
- None of this matters.
454
00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:21,179
Why would anyone care
what your name is?
455
00:18:21,246 --> 00:18:23,126
Do none of you understand
what is at stake here?
456
00:18:23,164 --> 00:18:25,166
I am being replaced
as host of this show
457
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,503
because of declining ratings
and general lack of quality.
458
00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:31,172
- Wait, what?
- The show is great.
459
00:18:31,339 --> 00:18:33,299
Let's see them
do 300 shows a year.
460
00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:34,944
What do they expect?
461
00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:37,053
What do they know?
462
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:38,721
What do you think?
463
00:18:40,807 --> 00:18:42,475
Oh, I think it's horrible.
464
00:18:42,642 --> 00:18:44,102
It's terrible.
465
00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:46,521
It's-it's the worst.
It's... I hate it.
466
00:18:46,688 --> 00:18:48,523
Please stop saying
synonyms for "bad."
467
00:18:48,690 --> 00:18:50,817
Tell me what you think.
468
00:18:50,984 --> 00:18:54,696
If I'm being
completely honest, and...
469
00:18:54,863 --> 00:18:56,281
also acknowledging
how much of a fan
470
00:18:56,447 --> 00:18:58,616
I am of the show
and all of your work,
471
00:18:58,783 --> 00:19:02,078
I think there is room for
a little bit of improvement.
472
00:19:02,245 --> 00:19:03,621
Oh, well, sorry the show
473
00:19:03,788 --> 00:19:05,266
doesn't appeal to
the heightened sensibilities
474
00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:06,767
of you and your friends
at the factory.
475
00:19:06,791 --> 00:19:08,501
It's a chemical plant,
not a factory.
476
00:19:08,668 --> 00:19:10,271
Seven's
right. It's not the smartest
477
00:19:10,295 --> 00:19:11,814
thing in the world
to come in on your first day
478
00:19:11,838 --> 00:19:13,198
and criticize
a room full of people
479
00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:15,425
who've been doing this
for years, but...
480
00:19:15,592 --> 00:19:17,468
I asked your opinion,
481
00:19:17,635 --> 00:19:19,846
and honestly,
I do not disagree with you.
482
00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:21,613
I've been hearing
a lot of this recently.
483
00:19:21,764 --> 00:19:23,933
Last night, from the person
I know most in the world,
484
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,269
and today, from this person
sitting on a trash can
485
00:19:26,436 --> 00:19:27,937
whom I know the least.
486
00:19:28,104 --> 00:19:30,273
But taking both into account,
487
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,233
the show is bad--
I don't know why--
488
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,068
and I think it's your fault.
489
00:19:34,235 --> 00:19:36,195
I love you, too.
490
00:19:36,362 --> 00:19:37,739
Oh, you must be McCrary.
491
00:19:37,906 --> 00:19:39,449
- Oh, wow.
- How's your girlfriend?
492
00:19:39,616 --> 00:19:41,743
Good. Really good. Yeah,
she just got this new job,
493
00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:43,202
so she's a little emotional.
494
00:19:43,369 --> 00:19:44,471
- She misses me.
- Well, she's gonna be
495
00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:45,872
seeing a lot more of you now,
496
00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:47,391
'cause you're fired.
Could you see him out?
497
00:19:47,415 --> 00:19:49,042
Now, this is what's
gonna happen.
498
00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,544
From this moment forth,
none of you has a life.
499
00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:54,213
You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.
500
00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:55,757
You have only this.
501
00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:57,425
You live this show.
502
00:19:57,592 --> 00:19:59,052
You breathe this show.
503
00:19:59,218 --> 00:20:01,888
When you masturbate,
you think about this show.
504
00:20:02,055 --> 00:20:03,866
You're finally going to earn
those big, fat paychecks
505
00:20:03,890 --> 00:20:05,683
that have been paying
for your divorces
506
00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:07,161
and gym memberships
you clearly never use.
507
00:20:07,185 --> 00:20:08,519
Think about
why the show is bad,
508
00:20:08,686 --> 00:20:10,188
and come up with ways
to fix it.
509
00:20:10,355 --> 00:20:12,941
And, Eight, sit on a chair
tomorrow, for God's sake!
510
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,152
Okay.
511
00:20:16,319 --> 00:20:17,695
So...
512
00:20:17,862 --> 00:20:20,531
Can I take
the fired man's seat?
513
00:20:20,698 --> 00:20:22,283
We're all gonna be out of jobs.
514
00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:23,761
I'm gonna have to move
to Long Island City,
515
00:20:23,785 --> 00:20:25,161
probably sell all my clothes.
516
00:20:25,328 --> 00:20:27,222
- Don't be so dramatic.
- Oh, how would you know?
517
00:20:27,246 --> 00:20:28,526
You don't even have
nice clothes.
518
00:20:28,623 --> 00:20:30,041
Okay, it's not
all that surprising.
519
00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:31,602
Any of your friends talk
about the show anymore?
520
00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:32,895
No, it's a relic.
Okay? There's no buzz
521
00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:34,279
- about it at all.
- Hey.
522
00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:35,940
It's not a relic, okay?
She is an icon.
523
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:37,274
I mean,
it would take them a month
524
00:20:37,298 --> 00:20:38,525
just to remove
all of her Emmys.
525
00:20:38,549 --> 00:20:39,926
Well, you know, who knows?
526
00:20:40,093 --> 00:20:41,487
Maybe Little Miss
Chemical Plant can help us.
527
00:20:41,511 --> 00:20:43,071
Please, don't even
joke about that.
528
00:20:43,179 --> 00:20:44,907
You know what, Reynolds?
Give me one of your Xanaxes.
529
00:20:44,931 --> 00:20:46,075
No, I need all my Xannies
now that I'm in the poorhouse.
530
00:20:46,099 --> 00:20:49,060
Molly Patel!
Molly Patel,
531
00:20:49,227 --> 00:20:52,063
- the quality control specialist.
- Oh, my God.
532
00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:54,524
Hobbies include
ruining our lives.
533
00:20:54,691 --> 00:20:57,026
I don't think she's worked
a day in television.
534
00:20:57,193 --> 00:20:58,879
You know, I think
she's a pathological liar.
535
00:20:58,903 --> 00:21:01,239
I wish I was a woman of color
so I could just get
536
00:21:01,406 --> 00:21:02,966
any job I want
with zero qualifications.
537
00:21:03,116 --> 00:21:05,076
We talked about this.
You can't say that.
538
00:21:07,954 --> 00:21:09,163
Hey, man.
539
00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:11,165
You remember, uh,
Molly from earlier?
540
00:21:11,332 --> 00:21:13,584
Yes. She told everyone
the show was bad.
541
00:21:13,751 --> 00:21:16,546
That's her. You'll be sharing
an office with her.
542
00:21:16,713 --> 00:21:18,715
Brad? Brad. Brad?
543
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,011
This is nice. Who's that?
544
00:21:23,177 --> 00:21:24,737
That's the guy
whose desk you're taking.
545
00:21:24,887 --> 00:21:26,889
He was fired last week.
546
00:21:27,056 --> 00:21:29,475
He was my best friend.
547
00:21:39,402 --> 00:21:43,406
So...
you must be pretty new, too.
548
00:21:43,573 --> 00:21:45,033
You don't have any stuff.
549
00:21:46,242 --> 00:21:48,911
Oh, I-I've been here 27 years.
550
00:21:49,078 --> 00:21:51,914
In case I get fired, I don't
want to get too comfortable.
551
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:57,170
So, are you gonna tell me
about your day?
552
00:21:57,336 --> 00:21:58,963
It was a bit like
trying to mount
553
00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:00,339
a prison production
of Hamlet.
554
00:22:00,506 --> 00:22:02,008
But at least prisoners
get sunlight
555
00:22:02,175 --> 00:22:04,552
and exercise once a day.
556
00:22:04,719 --> 00:22:06,512
That sounds very promising.
557
00:22:06,679 --> 00:22:08,681
You always worked best
with a captive audience.
558
00:22:11,392 --> 00:22:13,269
Right now it is
a hostile environment
559
00:22:13,436 --> 00:22:15,521
in which to be
an educated white male.
560
00:22:15,688 --> 00:22:18,191
I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, okay?
561
00:22:18,357 --> 00:22:20,526
Staggering.
562
00:22:20,693 --> 00:22:22,337
Yeah, they completely
overlooked my brother.
563
00:22:22,361 --> 00:22:23,780
All right.
564
00:22:23,946 --> 00:22:25,299
She's, like, a diversity hire
or something.
565
00:22:25,323 --> 00:22:26,616
Man, she'll be here 13 weeks.
566
00:22:26,783 --> 00:22:28,576
She's, like,
a single mom or something.
567
00:22:31,079 --> 00:22:32,330
Hey.
568
00:22:32,497 --> 00:22:33,998
I'm not a single mom,
by the way.
569
00:22:34,165 --> 00:22:35,249
I just look like one.
570
00:22:35,416 --> 00:22:36,876
And I guess I dress like one.
571
00:22:37,043 --> 00:22:39,337
No, I...
I-I wasn't talking about you.
572
00:22:39,504 --> 00:22:41,422
- Then who were you talking about?
- Uh, my...
573
00:22:41,589 --> 00:22:43,091
cleaning lady.
574
00:22:43,257 --> 00:22:44,967
Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?
575
00:22:46,010 --> 00:22:47,220
- Yep.
- Whatever.
576
00:22:47,386 --> 00:22:48,679
Just so you know,
I'd rather be
577
00:22:48,846 --> 00:22:50,282
a diversity hire
than a nepotism hire.
578
00:22:50,306 --> 00:22:51,849
'Cause at least
I had to beat out
579
00:22:52,016 --> 00:22:53,452
every minority and woman
to get here.
580
00:22:53,476 --> 00:22:57,021
You just had to be born.
581
00:22:57,188 --> 00:22:59,690
Hey, you know, one of my
grandparents was an immigrant.
582
00:22:59,857 --> 00:23:01,567
This documentary was insane.
583
00:23:01,734 --> 00:23:03,170
It said, basically,
we're all covered
584
00:23:03,194 --> 00:23:04,862
in, like, tiny bugs and...
585
00:23:05,029 --> 00:23:07,240
- Oh.
- No cupcakes today.
586
00:23:18,876 --> 00:23:21,170
So, Molly, what is your deal?
587
00:23:21,337 --> 00:23:24,298
Well, I am from central
Pennsylvania. I love to laugh.
588
00:23:24,465 --> 00:23:26,342
No, boring.
Like, what do you hate?
589
00:23:26,509 --> 00:23:28,803
What neighborhood do you
live in? Who are you fucking?
590
00:23:28,970 --> 00:23:31,639
Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice.
591
00:23:33,307 --> 00:23:35,518
I live with my aunt
and uncle in Queens.
592
00:23:35,685 --> 00:23:37,770
And I'm not sleeping
with anybody.
593
00:23:37,937 --> 00:23:39,998
- Where'd you go to school?
- Luzerne Community College.
594
00:23:40,022 --> 00:23:41,816
Loser Community College?
595
00:23:41,983 --> 00:23:44,128
- Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really
sounded like you said "loser."
596
00:23:44,152 --> 00:23:46,338
- Yeah, but why would I say that?
- Don't listen to them.
597
00:23:46,362 --> 00:23:48,442
I dropped out of high school
and worked at the docks.
598
00:23:48,531 --> 00:23:50,342
That's why I write
so many jokes about seagulls.
599
00:23:50,366 --> 00:23:52,410
So, what is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.
600
00:23:52,577 --> 00:23:54,471
We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.
601
00:23:54,495 --> 00:23:56,122
Yeah,
I'm head monologue writer.
602
00:23:56,289 --> 00:23:58,583
You are? 'Cause you hadn't
mentioned it in ten minutes.
603
00:23:58,749 --> 00:23:59,959
I was worried.
604
00:24:00,126 --> 00:24:01,486
Wait, so you all write
on the show,
605
00:24:01,544 --> 00:24:03,129
and you've never been
to the stage?
606
00:24:04,172 --> 00:24:05,506
Okay. Okay.
607
00:24:05,673 --> 00:24:07,341
This is how it works.
608
00:24:07,508 --> 00:24:08,968
The writers are supposed
609
00:24:09,135 --> 00:24:11,304
- to get here at 10:00.
- Good morning.
610
00:24:11,470 --> 00:24:13,306
I usually get here at 9:00.
611
00:24:13,472 --> 00:24:15,016
Then we go into our offices
and read
612
00:24:15,183 --> 00:24:16,726
the newspaper headlines
for joke ideas.
613
00:24:16,893 --> 00:24:19,604
Some of us are a little more
focused than others.
614
00:24:19,770 --> 00:24:21,832
Then we submit our jokes to
Brad, who makes his selects.
615
00:24:21,856 --> 00:24:23,649
That's what makes it
in the show.
616
00:24:23,816 --> 00:24:25,335
- Here you go.
- I usually get some good stuff in there.
617
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:26,736
Ah!
618
00:24:26,903 --> 00:24:28,213
Then we meet up
in the writers' room
619
00:24:28,237 --> 00:24:29,697
to go over Brad's selects.
620
00:24:29,864 --> 00:24:32,158
Oh, kiss my ass!
621
00:24:32,325 --> 00:24:34,118
Then at 6:30,
the show starts taping,
622
00:24:34,285 --> 00:24:35,494
and we all watch.
623
00:24:35,661 --> 00:24:38,414
And that is how we make
a TV show.
624
00:24:38,581 --> 00:24:41,751
So you never interact with her
once the entire day?
625
00:24:41,918 --> 00:24:44,212
Until yesterday, most of us
hadn't even met her.
626
00:24:46,214 --> 00:24:48,299
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
627
00:24:48,466 --> 00:24:49,693
I thought this was
the women's room.
628
00:24:49,717 --> 00:24:51,177
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
629
00:24:51,344 --> 00:24:52,779
You're right. It is...
it is the women's room.
630
00:24:52,803 --> 00:24:54,281
We just... we haven't had
a woman here
631
00:24:54,305 --> 00:24:57,016
in, like, ever,
so yeah, we use it.
632
00:24:57,183 --> 00:24:58,643
Doesn't Katherine mind?
633
00:24:58,809 --> 00:25:00,245
You kidding me?
No, she doesn't come in here.
634
00:25:00,269 --> 00:25:01,479
She has her own bathroom.
635
00:25:01,646 --> 00:25:03,648
We actually...
we-we come in here to...
636
00:25:03,814 --> 00:25:05,399
to take a shit.
637
00:25:05,566 --> 00:25:09,362
I don't understand anything
about this job.
638
00:25:09,528 --> 00:25:11,864
Well, you're right about
not being allowed on set.
639
00:25:12,031 --> 00:25:13,199
It's fucked up.
640
00:25:13,366 --> 00:25:14,951
So, why don't you say
something?
641
00:25:15,117 --> 00:25:17,119
Like,
"See Something, Say Something"?
642
00:25:17,286 --> 00:25:19,121
Because it's not
airport security, Molly.
643
00:25:19,288 --> 00:25:20,623
It's a TV show.
644
00:25:20,790 --> 00:25:25,127
And she's not the, uh,
classy role model
645
00:25:25,294 --> 00:25:27,755
you've been watching
on TV for 20 years.
646
00:25:30,424 --> 00:25:31,842
Hey, you know... you know what?
647
00:25:32,009 --> 00:25:33,970
I'm doing stand-up
tomorrow night, all right?
648
00:25:34,136 --> 00:25:35,513
Come see me.
649
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,723
We'll get a drink after.
650
00:25:43,729 --> 00:25:45,009
Okay.
Let's get going, everybody.
651
00:25:45,106 --> 00:25:46,774
One, you're up.
652
00:25:46,941 --> 00:25:49,277
I have an idea entitled
"Hollywood Zoo."
653
00:25:49,443 --> 00:25:51,445
It's animals
that look like celebrities.
654
00:25:51,612 --> 00:25:54,699
- No. -And... or celebrities
that look like animals?
655
00:25:54,865 --> 00:25:56,659
Can I? Okay.
656
00:25:56,826 --> 00:25:59,245
"Shrimp My Ride."
657
00:26:00,454 --> 00:26:01,872
"Fancy Pelosi."
658
00:26:02,039 --> 00:26:04,625
"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet
Folding Challenge."
659
00:26:04,792 --> 00:26:06,168
Yeah, we worked
on that together.
660
00:26:06,335 --> 00:26:07,604
It's where we have you
and a celebrity race
661
00:26:07,628 --> 00:26:08,796
to fold a fitted sheet.
662
00:26:08,963 --> 00:26:10,798
You know what? Forget it.
663
00:26:10,965 --> 00:26:13,342
Can I just remind
everybody here
664
00:26:13,509 --> 00:26:16,929
that the stakes
could not be higher.
665
00:26:17,096 --> 00:26:18,597
- Two, go.
- Uh, okay.
666
00:26:18,764 --> 00:26:20,349
So, the Miss America pageant
667
00:26:20,516 --> 00:26:22,452
and the Westminster Dog Show
are both the same week.
668
00:26:22,476 --> 00:26:24,145
So I thought,
why not combine the two?
669
00:26:24,312 --> 00:26:25,914
We ask the girls
to run around in a circle,
670
00:26:25,938 --> 00:26:27,940
and we ask the dogs
their take on immigration.
671
00:26:28,107 --> 00:26:30,234
Oh, the Miss America pageant.
672
00:26:30,401 --> 00:26:32,504
The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate
673
00:26:32,528 --> 00:26:34,113
to ask a beautiful teenager
from Tampa
674
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,489
who can't afford college
675
00:26:35,656 --> 00:26:37,533
but who can afford
breast implants
676
00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:38,909
about world peace.
677
00:26:39,076 --> 00:26:39,869
No, we're not gonna be
doing that.
678
00:26:40,036 --> 00:26:41,036
Where's John Phillips?
679
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:41,871
I want to hear his pitches.
680
00:26:42,038 --> 00:26:44,582
- Um...
- Um...
681
00:26:46,042 --> 00:26:47,043
What?
682
00:26:47,209 --> 00:26:50,629
Uh, John died in 2012.
683
00:26:50,796 --> 00:26:52,256
John's dead?
Are you kidding me?
684
00:26:52,423 --> 00:26:54,967
About the death
of our coworker? No.
685
00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:56,510
Oh, that's terrible.
686
00:26:56,677 --> 00:26:58,929
- He was so funny.
- Yeah.
687
00:26:59,096 --> 00:27:00,806
Eight, what?
688
00:27:00,973 --> 00:27:03,225
First of all,
I'm very sorry for your loss.
689
00:27:03,392 --> 00:27:04,977
He sounded like
an incredible person.
690
00:27:05,144 --> 00:27:07,355
Second, I'm really honored
691
00:27:07,521 --> 00:27:09,398
to be presenting my ideas
here today.
692
00:27:09,565 --> 00:27:11,442
Oh, God, I wish I was
John Phillips.
693
00:27:11,609 --> 00:27:13,319
So, I thought I would
take a step back
694
00:27:13,486 --> 00:27:15,071
and see what wasn't working.
695
00:27:15,237 --> 00:27:16,947
This is what I do
at quality control
696
00:27:17,114 --> 00:27:19,343
at the chemical plant, and I
thought I would do that here.
697
00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:22,661
The headline of my analysis
is "Complacency."
698
00:27:22,828 --> 00:27:25,331
And I noticed that there's
three major areas
699
00:27:25,498 --> 00:27:27,138
where there could be
a lot of improvement.
700
00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:29,251
The first is your
overall unwillingness to do
701
00:27:29,418 --> 00:27:31,271
high-concept recurring bits--
you know, where you have to
702
00:27:31,295 --> 00:27:32,922
physically leave the studio.
703
00:27:33,089 --> 00:27:35,209
Those are the ones that can
go viral if executed well.
704
00:27:35,299 --> 00:27:39,095
The second is your total lack
of presence on social media.
705
00:27:39,261 --> 00:27:41,501
You seem to have contempt
for it, which feels ill-advised
706
00:27:41,639 --> 00:27:44,100
because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.
707
00:27:44,266 --> 00:27:46,227
I think people get very excited
708
00:27:46,394 --> 00:27:48,020
when you share your beliefs.
709
00:27:48,187 --> 00:27:50,165
So, what you just said
about the Miss America pageant,
710
00:27:50,189 --> 00:27:51,649
that was awesome.
711
00:27:51,816 --> 00:27:53,651
When you reveal those kind
of strong opinions,
712
00:27:53,818 --> 00:27:55,820
it's when you really
come alive as a performer.
713
00:27:55,986 --> 00:27:58,322
That's when I come alive
as a performer?
714
00:27:58,489 --> 00:28:00,116
- Yeah.
- Can I see that?
715
00:28:00,282 --> 00:28:02,201
Absolutely.
716
00:28:03,953 --> 00:28:05,704
I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached
717
00:28:05,871 --> 00:28:07,373
to this idea
in any shape or form.
718
00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:09,792
Thank you so much.
719
00:28:14,046 --> 00:28:15,756
Mm-hmm.
720
00:28:15,923 --> 00:28:18,926
So, what's the solution?
721
00:28:19,093 --> 00:28:21,137
Oh, I don't have one.
722
00:28:21,303 --> 00:28:23,722
Just to be clear, you don't
have any new ideas or jokes?
723
00:28:23,889 --> 00:28:25,766
No.
724
00:28:25,933 --> 00:28:27,643
Okay,
I've been doing this job
725
00:28:27,810 --> 00:28:29,413
for nearly 30 years,
and I know what works.
726
00:28:29,437 --> 00:28:31,188
And I'll tell you
what doesn't work:
727
00:28:31,355 --> 00:28:33,375
an absurdly confident newcomer
coming in, criticizing my show
728
00:28:33,399 --> 00:28:36,527
and giving me her assessment
of my comic persona
729
00:28:36,694 --> 00:28:39,447
without doing the hard work of
presenting me with solutions.
730
00:28:39,613 --> 00:28:41,490
This-this room is a ship.
731
00:28:41,657 --> 00:28:43,159
I am the captain,
and you have barely
732
00:28:43,325 --> 00:28:44,702
earned the right to be an oar.
733
00:28:44,869 --> 00:28:47,913
Do I make myself clear, Eight?
734
00:28:49,081 --> 00:28:51,625
I have not changed.
735
00:28:51,792 --> 00:28:53,687
The audience has changed.
They don't want smart comedy.
736
00:28:53,711 --> 00:28:55,546
They want Kevin Hart
on a Slip 'N Slide,
737
00:28:55,713 --> 00:28:57,233
so let's just give them
what they want.
738
00:28:57,381 --> 00:28:59,383
Who's the most tacky
famous person out there?
739
00:28:59,550 --> 00:29:00,926
Reality star?
740
00:29:01,093 --> 00:29:02,779
No, a YouTube celebrity.
There was one at the club
741
00:29:02,803 --> 00:29:04,513
I was at last night,
and I got trampled.
742
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,366
It was the most glamorous thing
that's ever happened to me
743
00:29:06,390 --> 00:29:07,784
- in my entire life.
- What?
744
00:29:07,808 --> 00:29:09,244
Wait. Come on,
we're-we're not really
745
00:29:09,268 --> 00:29:10,370
considering doing this,
though, right?
746
00:29:10,394 --> 00:29:11,854
- Mimi Mismatch.
- Who?
747
00:29:12,021 --> 00:29:13,781
She is a YouTube star
who does comic sketches
748
00:29:13,898 --> 00:29:15,399
in the basement
of her parents' house.
749
00:29:15,566 --> 00:29:17,109
- Oh, my God.
- Uh, uh, she has
750
00:29:17,276 --> 00:29:18,796
- 25 million Twitter followers.
- Okay.
751
00:29:18,861 --> 00:29:20,661
My daughters are obsessed
with her. She, um...
752
00:29:20,779 --> 00:29:22,615
Just book her,
book her, book her.
753
00:29:22,781 --> 00:29:24,825
♪ ♪
754
00:29:33,959 --> 00:29:36,003
Sorry.
755
00:29:38,923 --> 00:29:40,841
I really got to go.
756
00:29:41,008 --> 00:29:42,885
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
757
00:29:43,052 --> 00:29:45,429
- Or I can... you can...
- I... Okay, okay.
758
00:29:45,596 --> 00:29:47,389
Okay.
759
00:29:52,061 --> 00:29:54,021
Oh, my God.
760
00:29:56,774 --> 00:29:59,026
Okay.
761
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,280
This has to stop.
762
00:30:06,242 --> 00:30:08,244
I don't know.
763
00:30:08,410 --> 00:30:10,871
Maybe I should just move
back to Pennsylvania.
764
00:30:11,038 --> 00:30:13,123
Can I give you some advice?
765
00:30:13,290 --> 00:30:14,833
You need to shut the fuck up.
766
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,418
Excuse me?
767
00:30:16,585 --> 00:30:18,546
If you hear something
you don't agree with,
768
00:30:18,712 --> 00:30:21,215
you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.
769
00:30:21,382 --> 00:30:22,841
I will not be marginalized
770
00:30:23,008 --> 00:30:24,969
by the iron fist
of white privilege
771
00:30:25,135 --> 00:30:27,012
that pervades
this work environment.
772
00:30:27,179 --> 00:30:29,932
I am not trying to silence
your strong female Indian
773
00:30:30,099 --> 00:30:32,560
woman of color spirit,
hashtag MeToo,
774
00:30:32,726 --> 00:30:34,186
TransIsBeautiful,
blah, blah, blah.
775
00:30:34,353 --> 00:30:37,064
You're still a new writer
with no experience.
776
00:30:37,231 --> 00:30:40,526
You need to stop giving advice
and write something.
777
00:30:40,693 --> 00:30:42,486
You're a writer, so write.
778
00:30:42,653 --> 00:30:44,238
Okay.
779
00:30:44,405 --> 00:30:45,948
Come on.
You get more work done
780
00:30:46,115 --> 00:30:47,700
on top of the desk
than under it.
781
00:30:47,866 --> 00:30:50,703
- It's gonna be all right.
- Thank you.
782
00:30:50,869 --> 00:30:53,080
...because of a coyote warning.
783
00:30:53,247 --> 00:30:55,047
Not to worry, though--
they managed to get out
784
00:30:55,165 --> 00:30:57,626
in the nick of time.
Beep, beep.
785
00:30:57,793 --> 00:31:00,045
I don't...
I don't understand that.
786
00:31:00,212 --> 00:31:02,274
Meep, meep. Meep, meep.
787
00:31:02,298 --> 00:31:03,757
Burditt, what are they doing?
788
00:31:03,924 --> 00:31:05,467
They're practicing
the monologue.
789
00:31:05,634 --> 00:31:07,279
- It's the Road Runner thing.
- Oh, the Road Runner.
790
00:31:07,303 --> 00:31:09,223
- What, the enemy of
Wile E. Coyote? -Meep, meep.
791
00:31:09,346 --> 00:31:10,848
Yeah, exactly.
792
00:31:11,015 --> 00:31:12,826
Today, while President Bush
793
00:31:12,850 --> 00:31:15,644
underwent a medical procedure,
Vice President Dick Cheney
794
00:31:15,811 --> 00:31:17,771
was acting president
for two hours and 15 minutes,
795
00:31:17,896 --> 00:31:20,816
which is longer than any woman.
796
00:31:20,983 --> 00:31:23,193
That's it. That's the joke.
797
00:31:32,703 --> 00:31:34,431
Okay, so I think we're good
for the monologue
798
00:31:34,455 --> 00:31:35,775
unless I'm, uh,
missing something.
799
00:31:35,873 --> 00:31:37,333
I have some jokes
for the monologue.
800
00:31:38,751 --> 00:31:40,878
Uh, well, you don't write
the monologue.
801
00:31:41,045 --> 00:31:42,588
Yeah, but I wrote
some jokes for it.
802
00:31:42,755 --> 00:31:43,773
And I have some ideas
for Katherine's hair,
803
00:31:43,797 --> 00:31:44,632
but that's not my job.
804
00:31:44,798 --> 00:31:46,300
Seven, shut up.
805
00:31:46,467 --> 00:31:48,135
Eight, for God's sake, go.
806
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,014
I shouldn't do this
in an English accent, should I?
807
00:31:52,181 --> 00:31:53,807
No.
808
00:31:53,974 --> 00:31:56,018
Three Republican senators
are proposing a bill
809
00:31:56,185 --> 00:31:57,936
to yet again defund
Planned Parenthood.
810
00:31:58,103 --> 00:32:00,689
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
811
00:32:00,856 --> 00:32:02,256
are the ones getting laid
the least.
812
00:32:02,399 --> 00:32:03,918
I never thought I'd say this,
813
00:32:03,942 --> 00:32:05,503
but thank God I'm going
through menopause.
814
00:32:05,527 --> 00:32:07,279
Good Lord, Eight.
815
00:32:07,446 --> 00:32:09,286
Well, you're the only
late-night talk-show host
816
00:32:09,406 --> 00:32:10,574
who can make that joke.
817
00:32:10,741 --> 00:32:11,885
Plus, you're pro-choice,
aren't you?
818
00:32:11,909 --> 00:32:13,577
I am. What do you think, Seven?
819
00:32:13,744 --> 00:32:15,597
My philosophy is that the show
is generally better
820
00:32:15,621 --> 00:32:17,057
without the specter
of abortion in it.
821
00:32:17,081 --> 00:32:18,281
But, you know, that's just me.
822
00:32:18,332 --> 00:32:20,125
I think it's audacious.
823
00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:22,920
Do... do people really want
to hear about menopause?
824
00:32:23,087 --> 00:32:24,380
'Cause I-I don't.
825
00:32:24,546 --> 00:32:25,826
I don't know,
I kind of liked it.
826
00:32:25,923 --> 00:32:27,508
No, no, it is too political.
827
00:32:27,675 --> 00:32:29,802
- We don't do that.
- We haven't done that in a while.
828
00:32:29,968 --> 00:32:31,288
Okay, so we'll start
with fracking
829
00:32:31,345 --> 00:32:33,055
and we work our way up
to abortion.
830
00:32:33,222 --> 00:32:35,766
People would talk about it,
for sure. And you believe it.
831
00:32:36,809 --> 00:32:38,227
It's a bit long.
832
00:32:38,394 --> 00:32:40,979
Trim it and put it
in the monologue.
833
00:32:42,231 --> 00:32:43,482
Okay.
834
00:32:43,649 --> 00:32:45,859
...to Vegas,
835
00:32:46,026 --> 00:32:47,319
40 tourists were...
836
00:32:47,486 --> 00:32:49,113
Listen, you've written
it out with 40.
837
00:32:49,279 --> 00:32:50,489
No, not make it bigger.
838
00:32:50,656 --> 00:32:52,376
- Make it wide...
- That's got to be a word.
839
00:32:52,491 --> 00:32:54,291
- Yeah.
- Okay, but don't change it now.
840
00:32:54,326 --> 00:32:55,661
There's no point. Okay.
841
00:32:55,828 --> 00:32:57,388
Today, in Las Vegas,
40 tourists were...
842
00:32:57,413 --> 00:32:58,773
Burditt,
I'm going to the bathroom.
843
00:32:58,872 --> 00:33:01,083
You never have to tell me that.
844
00:33:02,126 --> 00:33:05,003
♪ ♪
845
00:33:13,804 --> 00:33:16,390
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
846
00:33:16,557 --> 00:33:19,935
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
847
00:33:20,102 --> 00:33:21,979
Is that William Butler Yeats?
848
00:33:22,146 --> 00:33:24,148
Oh.
849
00:33:24,314 --> 00:33:26,692
- Uh, yeah, it is.
- You're not supposed to be here.
850
00:33:26,859 --> 00:33:29,987
What?
851
00:33:30,154 --> 00:33:31,613
All right.
852
00:33:39,371 --> 00:33:40,914
Mimi Mismatch is here.
853
00:33:41,081 --> 00:33:42,708
I got a selfie.
854
00:33:42,875 --> 00:33:45,085
Maybe now my daughters
will start talking to me again.
855
00:33:45,252 --> 00:33:47,755
So, you're doing
the Planned Parenthood joke?
856
00:33:47,921 --> 00:33:50,424
- Mm-hmm.
- Be careful of showing who you are.
857
00:33:50,591 --> 00:33:52,217
Once you turn that switch on,
858
00:33:52,384 --> 00:33:54,094
you can never
turn it off again.
859
00:34:01,685 --> 00:34:04,438
Katherine Newbury.
860
00:34:04,605 --> 00:34:06,231
Yeah.
861
00:34:06,398 --> 00:34:09,860
And I have not seen anyone
so poorly received
862
00:34:10,027 --> 00:34:11,463
since I took
a peanut butter sandwich
863
00:34:11,487 --> 00:34:12,613
into an elementary school.
864
00:34:17,326 --> 00:34:19,912
It was announced today
Starbucks will no longer
865
00:34:20,078 --> 00:34:21,997
be requiring a purchase
to use their restrooms.
866
00:34:22,164 --> 00:34:24,875
Oh, no. I'm worried
they might get disgusting.
867
00:34:26,293 --> 00:34:27,544
My joke's next.
868
00:34:27,711 --> 00:34:28,796
Yeah.
869
00:34:35,511 --> 00:34:38,305
So, there's an owl that's been
dive-bombing tourists
870
00:34:38,472 --> 00:34:40,057
- in Times Square.
- She skipped it.
871
00:34:40,224 --> 00:34:41,600
Very dramatic.
872
00:34:41,767 --> 00:34:43,407
Not the only species
angry about the price
873
00:34:43,477 --> 00:34:47,105
of Hamilton tickets, I see.
874
00:34:49,441 --> 00:34:50,859
We're back. I'm excited.
875
00:34:51,026 --> 00:34:53,987
I'm here with YouTube
phenomenon Mimi Mismatch.
876
00:34:59,660 --> 00:35:02,663
And the bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,
877
00:35:02,830 --> 00:35:06,166
was you with your dog...
Lenny. Here he is.
878
00:35:06,333 --> 00:35:08,836
And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt,
879
00:35:09,002 --> 00:35:11,463
and you pretend to faint.
880
00:35:13,924 --> 00:35:16,343
Because it smelled real bad.
Yeah.
881
00:35:16,510 --> 00:35:20,305
And, um, how on earth
did you come up with that?
882
00:35:20,472 --> 00:35:22,641
My dog Lenny had colitis
883
00:35:22,808 --> 00:35:26,395
and, for a while,
had a real smelly butt.
884
00:35:26,562 --> 00:35:29,356
So I took my life,
and I filmed it,
885
00:35:29,523 --> 00:35:32,734
because I find that the
best comedy comes from truth.
886
00:35:32,901 --> 00:35:34,236
How wise.
887
00:35:34,403 --> 00:35:36,613
And these little videos
of yours
888
00:35:36,780 --> 00:35:39,283
are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?
889
00:35:39,449 --> 00:35:42,619
Your way of pushing
mankind forward?
890
00:35:42,786 --> 00:35:44,413
Well, they're fun.
891
00:35:44,580 --> 00:35:47,749
What would you say
was your calling?
892
00:35:47,916 --> 00:35:49,626
My calling?
893
00:35:49,793 --> 00:35:51,873
Yes, I mean, what is it
you're most passionate about?
894
00:35:51,962 --> 00:35:54,798
Is it dog butt videos,
or would you ever expand
895
00:35:54,965 --> 00:35:57,593
into... cat butt videos, say?
896
00:36:00,304 --> 00:36:01,889
I know what you're doing.
897
00:36:02,055 --> 00:36:03,932
- Excuse me?
- You're mocking me.
898
00:36:04,099 --> 00:36:07,019
You think that because
my videos are light and silly
899
00:36:07,185 --> 00:36:09,605
that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?
900
00:36:09,771 --> 00:36:11,857
The only reason that I said yes
to this talk show
901
00:36:12,024 --> 00:36:14,443
is because my mom said
you were smart.
902
00:36:14,610 --> 00:36:16,987
But now I see that you are just
a bitter, out of touch,
903
00:36:17,154 --> 00:36:19,074
- old lady who's mean
to people she's... -Go, go.
904
00:36:19,114 --> 00:36:20,800
- ...never even met before.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
905
00:36:20,824 --> 00:36:22,343
- And the fact
of the matter is...
906
00:36:22,367 --> 00:36:24,167
is that you need me,
not the other way around.
907
00:36:24,244 --> 00:36:25,078
Bye.
908
00:36:25,245 --> 00:36:27,456
♪ ♪
909
00:36:28,665 --> 00:36:30,584
Uh, I don't know.
910
00:36:30,751 --> 00:36:32,628
- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you not prep her?
911
00:36:34,838 --> 00:36:36,381
- Who here is good at sex?
- Yeah!
912
00:36:36,548 --> 00:36:38,151
Oh, all right, okay.
913
00:36:38,175 --> 00:36:40,093
Now, I think
914
00:36:40,260 --> 00:36:42,220
that we're all about the same.
915
00:36:42,387 --> 00:36:45,974
All right? 'Cause the truth is
there are like ten sex acts.
916
00:36:46,141 --> 00:36:48,518
And-and if you're... if you're
an average American guy,
917
00:36:48,685 --> 00:36:50,604
you only need to do
the first five.
918
00:36:50,771 --> 00:36:52,147
That thought is
919
00:36:52,314 --> 00:36:53,914
"I'm gonna go to six.
920
00:36:53,982 --> 00:36:55,233
I'm going..."
Especially you.
921
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,653
Do not go to six.
922
00:36:57,819 --> 00:37:01,865
'Cause everybody's number six
is different.
923
00:37:02,032 --> 00:37:03,158
What was your favorite part?
924
00:37:03,325 --> 00:37:04,660
You assumed I had one?
925
00:37:04,826 --> 00:37:06,787
Yeah. I was watching you,
and you liked it.
926
00:37:06,954 --> 00:37:08,205
I did like it.
927
00:37:08,372 --> 00:37:10,415
I-I like how relaxed you are.
928
00:37:10,582 --> 00:37:12,501
Like you're not doing it
for them.
929
00:37:12,668 --> 00:37:14,086
You know,
you're doing it for you.
930
00:37:14,252 --> 00:37:16,380
I've never been relaxed
a day in my life.
931
00:37:16,546 --> 00:37:18,131
No, I know,
you're the hardest worker
932
00:37:18,298 --> 00:37:19,800
I've ever met, besides Tom.
933
00:37:19,967 --> 00:37:22,010
Which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.
934
00:37:22,177 --> 00:37:23,905
Well, he shouldn't be.
Katherine cut my joke.
935
00:37:23,929 --> 00:37:26,139
It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.
936
00:37:26,306 --> 00:37:28,266
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
937
00:37:28,433 --> 00:37:30,310
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
938
00:37:30,477 --> 00:37:33,063
That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.
939
00:37:33,230 --> 00:37:36,024
Also, um, get ready for this.
940
00:37:36,191 --> 00:37:38,860
Like, you'll spend all day
writing 50 jokes,
941
00:37:39,027 --> 00:37:42,155
and they'll cut all of them,
and you will have achieved
942
00:37:42,322 --> 00:37:46,159
as much as if you just stayed
at home and called in sick.
943
00:37:46,326 --> 00:37:47,536
Okay.
944
00:37:47,703 --> 00:37:49,621
- So let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.
945
00:37:49,788 --> 00:37:51,581
- Never use the women's restroom.
- Mm-hmm.
946
00:37:51,748 --> 00:37:53,388
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
947
00:37:53,458 --> 00:37:55,043
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't decorate your office.
948
00:37:55,210 --> 00:37:56,771
And be fine being completely obsolete.
949
00:37:56,795 --> 00:37:58,880
So just don't enjoy your job.
950
00:37:59,047 --> 00:38:02,300
- Uh, exactly. Yeah.
- Oh.
951
00:38:02,467 --> 00:38:04,469
Oh, Tom tells me
you do stand-up.
952
00:38:04,636 --> 00:38:06,138
- Are you good?
- Oh, no.
953
00:38:06,304 --> 00:38:08,557
No, it's just a way for me
to test out material.
954
00:38:08,724 --> 00:38:10,142
I am emceeing a show soon.
955
00:38:10,308 --> 00:38:12,477
It's a benefit for lung cancer.
956
00:38:12,644 --> 00:38:14,646
That's random.
957
00:38:14,813 --> 00:38:17,399
Not really.
My dad died from it.
958
00:38:17,566 --> 00:38:19,192
Oh, fuck.
959
00:38:19,359 --> 00:38:21,069
Uh, were you close?
960
00:38:21,236 --> 00:38:22,404
- With my father?
- Well...
961
00:38:22,571 --> 00:38:23,771
Yeah, I was. I was.
962
00:38:23,905 --> 00:38:25,385
- Now I feel I bad.
- Fuck. I'm sorry.
963
00:38:25,532 --> 00:38:26,634
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
964
00:38:26,658 --> 00:38:29,077
Do you need a-a good-looking,
965
00:38:29,244 --> 00:38:32,456
moderately funny stand-up
to-to close out the night?
966
00:38:32,622 --> 00:38:34,499
- Wait, really?
- Do you know any?
967
00:38:34,666 --> 00:38:36,460
That would be amazing.
968
00:38:36,626 --> 00:38:38,253
Why would you do that for me?
969
00:38:38,420 --> 00:38:39,546
Because I'm a nice guy.
970
00:38:39,713 --> 00:38:41,256
Okay, I know you're not.
971
00:38:41,423 --> 00:38:43,425
Look, I know what everyone
thinks of me.
972
00:38:43,592 --> 00:38:45,844
But just because I was
lucky enough to get this job
973
00:38:46,011 --> 00:38:47,651
doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.
974
00:38:47,721 --> 00:38:49,473
So, if you think
you can sleep with me
975
00:38:49,639 --> 00:38:50,839
'cause you're not gonna see me
976
00:38:50,974 --> 00:38:52,326
after three months,
you're mistaken.
977
00:38:52,350 --> 00:38:55,145
Who said anything
about sleeping together?
978
00:38:55,312 --> 00:38:57,355
♪ ♪
979
00:38:59,608 --> 00:39:01,151
- ♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪
- Okay.
980
00:39:01,318 --> 00:39:02,438
Thank you.
I had a nice time.
981
00:39:02,569 --> 00:39:03,737
"Thank you"?
Wait, whoa, whoa.
982
00:39:03,904 --> 00:39:04,922
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
983
00:39:04,946 --> 00:39:06,031
Come over.
984
00:39:06,198 --> 00:39:07,616
Oh. No.
985
00:39:07,783 --> 00:39:09,159
No. Thank you. Thank you.
986
00:39:09,326 --> 00:39:10,726
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
987
00:39:10,827 --> 00:39:12,788
Uh, yeah, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
988
00:39:12,954 --> 00:39:13,997
We-we can do this dance.
989
00:39:14,164 --> 00:39:15,832
- Dance?
- Yeah.
990
00:39:15,999 --> 00:39:18,293
You won't sleep with me now,
but you will in three weeks.
991
00:39:18,460 --> 00:39:20,170
That's... I get it.
It's a feminist thing.
992
00:39:20,337 --> 00:39:21,421
Are you kidding?
993
00:39:21,588 --> 00:39:23,090
Has this ever worked before?
994
00:39:26,551 --> 00:39:27,928
Oh, no.
995
00:39:28,095 --> 00:39:29,387
What?
996
00:39:29,554 --> 00:39:32,140
The Mimi interview
went viral in a bad way.
997
00:39:36,645 --> 00:39:38,980
You are just a bitter,
out of touch, old lady
998
00:39:39,147 --> 00:39:42,442
who's mean to people she's
never even met before, and...
999
00:39:47,948 --> 00:39:51,201
The Mimi thing will blow over.
1000
00:39:51,368 --> 00:39:53,370
Am I like
your least favorite aunt?
1001
00:39:53,537 --> 00:39:55,580
All my aunts are dead.
1002
00:39:58,291 --> 00:40:00,669
I need a publicist.
1003
00:40:00,836 --> 00:40:03,296
Making you accessible
to the average American--
1004
00:40:03,463 --> 00:40:04,464
that's what I do best.
1005
00:40:04,631 --> 00:40:05,871
I told Leo, "You want an Oscar?
1006
00:40:05,966 --> 00:40:07,134
Fight a bear."
1007
00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:08,700
You're not above
the American public
1008
00:40:08,802 --> 00:40:10,971
or looking down at them.
You are one of them.
1009
00:40:11,138 --> 00:40:12,990
You're America's sweetheart, baby.
1010
00:40:13,014 --> 00:40:15,076
But you got to put in face time
with these journalists,
1011
00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:16,577
because they don't want to talk
to me, and they certainly
1012
00:40:16,601 --> 00:40:17,394
don't want to talk to Brad.
No offense.
1013
00:40:17,561 --> 00:40:18,770
Yeah, no, no. None taken.
1014
00:40:18,937 --> 00:40:20,248
I've been told
I have no charisma.
1015
00:40:20,272 --> 00:40:22,649
Exactly.
So, what if we threw a party
1016
00:40:22,816 --> 00:40:24,651
at your house
and invited the press?
1017
00:40:24,818 --> 00:40:26,653
They could see you
in your element.
1018
00:40:26,820 --> 00:40:29,281
You are not some cold witch
who hates children.
1019
00:40:29,447 --> 00:40:31,950
You're cozy and domestic.
1020
00:40:32,117 --> 00:40:33,719
- I don't entertain.
- You're an entertainer.
1021
00:40:33,743 --> 00:40:35,513
- I'm bad at small talk.
- You're a talk-show host.
1022
00:40:35,537 --> 00:40:37,640
- I'm not a people person.
- Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.
1023
00:40:37,664 --> 00:40:39,207
If you want to turn
this ship around,
1024
00:40:39,374 --> 00:40:40,625
you're gonna have to be.
1025
00:40:40,792 --> 00:40:42,794
How do you feel
about extensions?
1026
00:40:42,961 --> 00:40:45,005
♪ ♪
1027
00:40:47,424 --> 00:40:50,468
Holy shit, honey.
1028
00:40:52,345 --> 00:40:55,223
Oh, what am I doing here?
1029
00:40:55,390 --> 00:40:57,309
That's right. What's up, baby?
1030
00:40:57,475 --> 00:40:58,786
- Yes. Blah...
- Hey, Daniel.
1031
00:40:58,810 --> 00:41:00,312
Daniel, you're funny, man.
1032
00:41:00,478 --> 00:41:02,522
Is that, um,
that comedian, Daniel...
1033
00:41:02,689 --> 00:41:04,441
- Daniel Tennant.
- Hmm.
1034
00:41:04,608 --> 00:41:07,194
Billy Kastner's done
amazing things with his career.
1035
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:08,486
"You're welcome, America."
1036
00:41:08,653 --> 00:41:09,905
Oh.
1037
00:41:10,071 --> 00:41:11,431
We're gonna get you
some face time.
1038
00:41:11,573 --> 00:41:13,742
You got to just,
you know, be cool about it.
1039
00:41:18,830 --> 00:41:20,081
Steve Martin gave it to her.
1040
00:41:20,248 --> 00:41:21,583
Costs more than my apartment.
1041
00:41:21,750 --> 00:41:24,085
It's so beautiful.
1042
00:41:24,252 --> 00:41:25,462
Mm.
1043
00:41:25,629 --> 00:41:26,880
Is that a tag?
1044
00:41:27,047 --> 00:41:28,423
Hmm? No.
1045
00:41:28,590 --> 00:41:30,717
- Well...
- Oh, God.
1046
00:41:30,884 --> 00:41:32,427
Fuck.
1047
00:41:32,594 --> 00:41:34,262
Um, what are you doing
after this?
1048
00:41:35,555 --> 00:41:37,098
I don't know.
1049
00:41:37,265 --> 00:41:39,059
But I w-will keep you posted.
1050
00:41:43,396 --> 00:41:44,814
- Hello.
- Oh, God.
1051
00:41:44,981 --> 00:41:47,025
- I thought you could use this.
- Oh, I could.
1052
00:41:48,735 --> 00:41:52,280
I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.
1053
00:41:52,447 --> 00:41:54,574
- Is it obvious?
- Very. Yeah.
1054
00:41:54,741 --> 00:41:56,910
It's-it's the same smile
you had
1055
00:41:57,077 --> 00:41:58,870
when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.
1056
00:42:00,497 --> 00:42:02,016
- Thank you so much for reminding me.
- Yeah.
1057
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:03,684
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Yeah.
1058
00:42:03,708 --> 00:42:06,336
I was... yeah, I was
wondering if I'd get a...
1059
00:42:06,503 --> 00:42:08,880
- a chance to talk to you alone.
- Stop it, Charlie.
1060
00:42:09,047 --> 00:42:11,549
It was a mistake,
and it'll never happen again.
1061
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,179
And that's how I got involved
in that charity.
1062
00:42:16,346 --> 00:42:18,515
I'm gonna go talk
to some other people.
1063
00:42:20,016 --> 00:42:21,977
- Oh! -Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.
1064
00:42:22,143 --> 00:42:24,771
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I just got this blazer.
1065
00:42:24,938 --> 00:42:26,648
I need it for "Lampoon" hazing
next week.
1066
00:42:26,815 --> 00:42:28,233
Hayes, remember Molly?
1067
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,278
Yes. Hey, I'm so happy
that you got that job.
1068
00:42:31,444 --> 00:42:32,696
It's really cool they did that.
1069
00:42:32,862 --> 00:42:33,863
- It's important.
- Yeah.
1070
00:42:34,030 --> 00:42:35,699
Yeah, I think it's important
1071
00:42:35,865 --> 00:42:38,868
that they hire the funniest,
most qualified people, too.
1072
00:43:02,517 --> 00:43:04,394
Damn it.
1073
00:43:09,274 --> 00:43:10,942
Can I help you?
1074
00:43:11,109 --> 00:43:13,278
Uh, sorry, I just thought
this was an empty room.
1075
00:43:13,445 --> 00:43:15,113
Why were you looking
for an empty room?
1076
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,491
Uh, just to be alone
for a minute.
1077
00:43:18,658 --> 00:43:20,368
Not to steal anything.
1078
00:43:20,535 --> 00:43:23,371
Uh, although you have a lot
of really nice stuff in here.
1079
00:43:23,538 --> 00:43:25,832
I'm not a thief, though.
My name is Molly.
1080
00:43:25,999 --> 00:43:27,876
Hello, Molly,
who's not a thief.
1081
00:43:28,043 --> 00:43:30,420
I know who you are, by the way.
1082
00:43:30,587 --> 00:43:32,422
You're Walter Lovell.
1083
00:43:32,589 --> 00:43:35,425
It's such an honor to meet you.
You were one of the greats.
1084
00:43:35,592 --> 00:43:36,926
"Were." Jesus Christ.
1085
00:43:37,093 --> 00:43:38,428
Oh, no, no.
1086
00:43:38,595 --> 00:43:41,139
No, I mean, you're still
amazing.
1087
00:43:41,306 --> 00:43:43,892
I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at NYU?
1088
00:43:44,059 --> 00:43:45,286
"Emeritus" is what
they call you
1089
00:43:45,310 --> 00:43:46,561
when you're not dead yet
1090
00:43:46,728 --> 00:43:48,229
but they don't want you
to come in.
1091
00:43:49,731 --> 00:43:51,566
I actually know
what that's like.
1092
00:43:51,733 --> 00:43:52,984
I write on the show.
1093
00:43:53,151 --> 00:43:54,611
Your wife doesn't like me
very much.
1094
00:43:54,778 --> 00:43:56,529
- Mm.
- Why aren't you downstairs
1095
00:43:56,696 --> 00:43:58,114
with the rest of the party?
1096
00:43:58,281 --> 00:44:00,116
I think people have
a better time
1097
00:44:00,283 --> 00:44:03,244
when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.
1098
00:44:03,411 --> 00:44:04,829
It's called neuropathy.
1099
00:44:04,996 --> 00:44:07,707
One of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.
1100
00:44:07,874 --> 00:44:09,125
A piece of advice:
1101
00:44:09,292 --> 00:44:11,252
don't marry a man
until he gives you
1102
00:44:11,419 --> 00:44:13,421
a complete genetic profile.
1103
00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:15,840
Luckily for me, there is
1104
00:44:16,007 --> 00:44:17,801
literally no interest
from any man.
1105
00:44:17,967 --> 00:44:20,804
About Katherine:
1106
00:44:20,970 --> 00:44:22,680
Be useful.
1107
00:44:22,847 --> 00:44:25,392
Make it so that
even if she doesn't like you,
1108
00:44:25,558 --> 00:44:27,060
she needs you.
1109
00:44:29,646 --> 00:44:31,064
If it's okay with you,
1110
00:44:31,231 --> 00:44:32,941
I'd like to stay here
a little while
1111
00:44:33,108 --> 00:44:34,484
and just listen to you play.
1112
00:44:34,651 --> 00:44:36,319
All right.
1113
00:44:37,862 --> 00:44:39,906
♪ ♪
1114
00:44:42,742 --> 00:44:44,994
You have said "the only true
meritocracy is in comedy."
1115
00:44:45,161 --> 00:44:46,641
Indeed, yes.
I mean, it doesn't matter
1116
00:44:46,704 --> 00:44:48,184
where you're from,
what you look like,
1117
00:44:48,248 --> 00:44:49,833
how much money
your parents have.
1118
00:44:49,999 --> 00:44:51,960
Funny is funny,
and that's meritocracy.
1119
00:44:52,127 --> 00:44:53,420
As long as you're white,
1120
00:44:53,586 --> 00:44:55,630
male and from
an elite college, right?
1121
00:44:55,797 --> 00:44:57,917
Because that's all your
writing staff is comprised of.
1122
00:44:59,634 --> 00:45:01,594
I write on the show.
1123
00:45:01,761 --> 00:45:04,472
And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.
1124
00:45:04,639 --> 00:45:06,159
Tell me, does Katherine
know your name?
1125
00:45:06,266 --> 00:45:08,393
I heard she refers
to the writers by number.
1126
00:45:10,311 --> 00:45:12,230
I am called Eight.
1127
00:45:12,397 --> 00:45:13,791
Because Katherine said
1128
00:45:13,815 --> 00:45:15,084
she couldn't be bothered
to learn
1129
00:45:15,108 --> 00:45:16,484
everyone's name, so she just
1130
00:45:16,651 --> 00:45:18,736
pointed at the writers
and shouted numbers
1131
00:45:18,903 --> 00:45:20,822
and named me Eight.
1132
00:45:22,532 --> 00:45:25,243
Yeah, she also keeps us
in cages and doesn't feed us.
1133
00:45:25,410 --> 00:45:28,079
But she does let us
1134
00:45:28,246 --> 00:45:29,956
go to the bathroom once a day.
1135
00:45:30,123 --> 00:45:31,958
No, of course she knows
our names.
1136
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:34,627
My name is Molly.
You have some bad information.
1137
00:45:34,794 --> 00:45:37,130
Yes, you do.
This is, of course, Molly.
1138
00:45:37,297 --> 00:45:39,377
- Hi. Hello, Brad.
- Everybody, let's make some room.
1139
00:45:39,466 --> 00:45:40,758
Mm...
1140
00:45:40,925 --> 00:45:43,136
One of the writers, everybody.
1141
00:45:43,303 --> 00:45:45,430
- Hi.
- How would you describe Molly?
1142
00:45:45,597 --> 00:45:47,098
Molly? Molly...
1143
00:45:47,265 --> 00:45:49,893
Molly is...
1144
00:45:50,059 --> 00:45:52,145
She said I was
the vibrant splash of color
1145
00:45:52,312 --> 00:45:54,981
on the gray canvas
of our writing staff.
1146
00:45:55,148 --> 00:45:56,483
I was really touched.
1147
00:45:56,649 --> 00:45:57,960
- Mm. -And then she said
something to me
1148
00:45:57,984 --> 00:45:59,211
- that I will never forget.
- Mm-hmm.
1149
00:45:59,235 --> 00:46:00,528
She said to me that,
1150
00:46:00,695 --> 00:46:02,405
despite our very different
backgrounds,
1151
00:46:02,572 --> 00:46:04,407
that I reminded her
1152
00:46:04,574 --> 00:46:06,618
- of a younger her.
- Younger me.
1153
00:46:06,784 --> 00:46:07,845
Isn't that wonderful?
1154
00:46:07,869 --> 00:46:09,704
I mean...
1155
00:46:09,871 --> 00:46:11,956
- Huge.
- Mm...
1156
00:46:12,123 --> 00:46:13,976
You know what? Everybody's
gonna want to get this.
1157
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:15,710
Let's get a picture
1158
00:46:15,877 --> 00:46:18,838
of Katherine and her beautiful
Indian protégée...
1159
00:46:19,005 --> 00:46:20,340
- Molly.
- Molly.
1160
00:46:24,093 --> 00:46:25,279
Oh. You guys getting that?
1161
00:46:26,429 --> 00:46:28,765
Thank you.
1162
00:46:28,932 --> 00:46:31,017
Yeah, it's pretty good.
1163
00:46:31,184 --> 00:46:33,019
Oh, I think it's going
beautifully.
1164
00:46:33,186 --> 00:46:34,187
Mm-hmm.
1165
00:46:34,354 --> 00:46:35,605
You haven't killed anybody yet.
1166
00:46:35,772 --> 00:46:37,166
Nope.
1167
00:46:37,190 --> 00:46:39,651
But it's still early.
1168
00:46:43,404 --> 00:46:45,198
You want to come over?
1169
00:46:45,365 --> 00:46:47,659
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, excuse me.
1170
00:46:47,825 --> 00:46:49,911
Thank you.
1171
00:46:51,204 --> 00:46:52,330
Oh.
1172
00:46:52,497 --> 00:46:54,040
Three weeks. Right on time.
1173
00:46:54,207 --> 00:46:55,792
Wait, really?
1174
00:46:55,959 --> 00:46:58,378
: No, I just set that
before I came over.
1175
00:46:58,545 --> 00:47:00,147
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Come on.
1176
00:47:00,171 --> 00:47:02,632
Billy Kastner.
1177
00:47:02,799 --> 00:47:04,026
- Hey.
- I guess everybody can get
1178
00:47:04,050 --> 00:47:05,051
invited to this party.
1179
00:47:05,218 --> 00:47:06,553
Uh, I would like
1180
00:47:06,719 --> 00:47:08,680
to introduce you two
to Danny Tennant.
1181
00:47:08,846 --> 00:47:10,557
- Danny, Walter Lovell.
- Hey, man.
1182
00:47:10,723 --> 00:47:11,975
How you doing, Walter?
1183
00:47:12,141 --> 00:47:13,226
- And, of course...
- Wow.
1184
00:47:13,393 --> 00:47:14,894
- Katherine Newbury.
- Wow.
1185
00:47:15,061 --> 00:47:16,341
Classiest couple
in New York City
1186
00:47:16,437 --> 00:47:17,837
since Diane Sawyer
and Mike Nichols.
1187
00:47:17,981 --> 00:47:19,524
Danny here--
very funny, very famous,
1188
00:47:19,691 --> 00:47:21,568
and currently,
every female coed
1189
00:47:21,734 --> 00:47:23,361
in the United States
wants to lose
1190
00:47:23,528 --> 00:47:25,631
- their virginity to him.
- Stop. That's... Just half.
1191
00:47:25,655 --> 00:47:27,365
- Well, that's gonna keep you busy.
- Mm.
1192
00:47:27,532 --> 00:47:29,813
And, Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am such a fan.
1193
00:47:29,909 --> 00:47:32,120
I mean, you were such an
inspiration for me growing up.
1194
00:47:32,287 --> 00:47:34,122
And your comedy is so smart.
1195
00:47:34,289 --> 00:47:35,891
You know, I'll-I'll be watching
your show, and I have to, like,
1196
00:47:35,915 --> 00:47:37,393
look up half the words you say.
1197
00:47:37,417 --> 00:47:39,502
That's so kind.
1198
00:47:39,669 --> 00:47:42,463
Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?
1199
00:47:42,630 --> 00:47:44,150
- Um...
- You know, from your stand-up.
1200
00:47:44,299 --> 00:47:46,139
When you're at parties,
you like to take a shit
1201
00:47:46,217 --> 00:47:47,736
in other people's shoes.
1202
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:49,520
That's from the special.
You saw the special.
1203
00:47:49,637 --> 00:47:50,739
- Yeah, well...
- Remember that?
1204
00:47:50,763 --> 00:47:52,724
Diarrhea!
1205
00:47:52,890 --> 00:47:55,226
Did you enjoy talking
to my writing staff?
1206
00:47:55,393 --> 00:47:58,313
- Yes. Talented guys.
- They are.
1207
00:47:58,479 --> 00:48:00,356
Charlie Fain, especially.
1208
00:48:00,523 --> 00:48:03,776
So, Danny, what's next for you?
Prank show on MTV?
1209
00:48:03,943 --> 00:48:05,743
Or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?
1210
00:48:05,862 --> 00:48:07,155
No, I think, actually,
1211
00:48:07,322 --> 00:48:08,990
I'm gonna take
a little bit of time off,
1212
00:48:09,157 --> 00:48:10,908
you know,
and work on some new material
1213
00:48:11,075 --> 00:48:13,620
and just kind of kick around
some new ideas and stuff.
1214
00:48:13,786 --> 00:48:15,431
You're at the height
of your stand-up career,
1215
00:48:15,455 --> 00:48:17,123
and you're stopping
to kick around ideas?
1216
00:48:19,334 --> 00:48:20,877
Yeah.
1217
00:48:23,296 --> 00:48:24,547
Oh.
1218
00:48:24,714 --> 00:48:26,424
Daniel Tennant?!
1219
00:48:26,591 --> 00:48:29,719
You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking Tennant?!
1220
00:48:29,886 --> 00:48:31,488
We're in negotiations with him.
Thank you, Margaret.
1221
00:48:31,512 --> 00:48:32,722
You cannot do this.
1222
00:48:32,889 --> 00:48:34,409
We are working
on something back there.
1223
00:48:34,557 --> 00:48:36,557
- You have to give us a chance.
- You had a chance.
1224
00:48:36,684 --> 00:48:39,062
That's what ten years
of ratings decline is.
1225
00:48:39,228 --> 00:48:40,788
Look, you can make it easy
for yourself.
1226
00:48:40,938 --> 00:48:42,774
You can welcome him in,
make it seem like
1227
00:48:42,940 --> 00:48:44,192
you were part of the decision.
1228
00:48:44,359 --> 00:48:45,568
Or it can be hard.
1229
00:48:45,735 --> 00:48:47,111
The choice is
entirely up to you.
1230
00:48:47,278 --> 00:48:49,030
Believe me,
I take no pleasure in this.
1231
00:48:49,197 --> 00:48:50,823
Oh, for God's sake,
do me the courtesy
1232
00:48:50,990 --> 00:48:52,825
of at least not lying
to my face.
1233
00:48:52,992 --> 00:48:55,286
: Fine. I take a
great deal of pleasure in this.
1234
00:48:55,453 --> 00:48:58,331
Katherine, did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?
1235
00:48:58,498 --> 00:48:59,874
No.
1236
00:49:00,041 --> 00:49:01,477
Do you think I should think
you're funny,
1237
00:49:01,501 --> 00:49:02,895
as president of the network
you're on?
1238
00:49:02,919 --> 00:49:05,463
I've seen six presidents
of this network
1239
00:49:05,630 --> 00:49:07,215
come and go
while I've been here.
1240
00:49:07,382 --> 00:49:10,385
Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability.
1241
00:49:10,551 --> 00:49:12,261
You didn't answer my question.
1242
00:49:12,428 --> 00:49:15,640
If you're asking me if I've
ever respected your taste,
1243
00:49:15,807 --> 00:49:18,142
then the answer, Caroline,
is no.
1244
00:49:18,309 --> 00:49:20,978
And if you want
to replace me with a meme--
1245
00:49:21,145 --> 00:49:22,939
a T-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia
1246
00:49:23,106 --> 00:49:24,691
and, by the way,
his hatred of women
1247
00:49:24,857 --> 00:49:27,485
behind a congenial
frat-boy persona--
1248
00:49:27,652 --> 00:49:29,570
just to make yourself
seem relevant,
1249
00:49:29,737 --> 00:49:31,447
then, by all means,
you go ahead.
1250
00:49:31,614 --> 00:49:34,075
But I will not allow you to
destroy the show that I built.
1251
00:49:37,286 --> 00:49:39,330
♪ ♪
1252
00:49:51,968 --> 00:49:53,688
You know what's funny?
You remember how kids
1253
00:49:53,720 --> 00:49:55,239
used to have those, like,
little games in their pocket.
1254
00:49:55,263 --> 00:49:57,223
We passed on that.
1255
00:49:57,390 --> 00:49:59,100
Oh.
1256
00:50:00,101 --> 00:50:01,644
Where are you going?
1257
00:50:01,811 --> 00:50:03,980
Oh, uh, Four and I have
that charity comedy event.
1258
00:50:04,147 --> 00:50:06,190
- I'm the emcee.
- Well, you're not going.
1259
00:50:06,357 --> 00:50:08,985
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
It starts in 30 minutes,
1260
00:50:09,152 --> 00:50:10,862
and there would be no one
to replace me.
1261
00:50:11,028 --> 00:50:12,697
And who's going to be
replacing you here?
1262
00:50:12,864 --> 00:50:14,591
Look around the room--
all these guys are staying.
1263
00:50:14,615 --> 00:50:16,826
Four's not going.
1264
00:50:16,993 --> 00:50:19,412
- Molly, it's not worth it.
- I would listen to that.
1265
00:50:19,579 --> 00:50:21,247
That's pretty good advice.
1266
00:50:22,915 --> 00:50:25,960
I have stayed late
every single night this month.
1267
00:50:26,127 --> 00:50:27,795
It's for a charity.
1268
00:50:27,962 --> 00:50:30,243
- I'm sorry, I'm very torn.
- Well, you shouldn't be torn,
1269
00:50:30,381 --> 00:50:32,276
and you shouldn't be letting me
know that you're torn.
1270
00:50:32,300 --> 00:50:34,069
You can't just download
your emotional state onto me
1271
00:50:34,093 --> 00:50:36,763
and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you.
1272
00:50:36,929 --> 00:50:38,890
"Upload."
1273
00:50:39,056 --> 00:50:40,516
What?
1274
00:50:40,683 --> 00:50:42,602
Uh, it's-it's
"upload your emotional state."
1275
00:50:42,769 --> 00:50:44,395
So, if, um...
if you take something
1276
00:50:44,562 --> 00:50:45,873
off the Internet,
that's "download."
1277
00:50:45,897 --> 00:50:47,648
If you put something on,
that's "upload."
1278
00:50:47,815 --> 00:50:49,668
So, like, if this conversation
were the Internet...
1279
00:50:49,692 --> 00:50:52,570
- Shut up, Seven. What the fuck?
- Yeah.
1280
00:50:52,737 --> 00:50:55,740
Eight, if you leave,
don't come back.
1281
00:50:58,284 --> 00:51:01,162
I made a commitment.
I'm sorry.
1282
00:51:04,499 --> 00:51:06,501
Okay. Okay.
1283
00:51:06,667 --> 00:51:08,711
- Okay, so...
- Yeah, continue.
1284
00:51:10,922 --> 00:51:12,799
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me the lineup.
1285
00:51:12,965 --> 00:51:14,717
Thank you.
1286
00:51:22,850 --> 00:51:25,019
Okay, so...
okay, so here's the pitch.
1287
00:51:25,186 --> 00:51:26,854
You are a pirate.
1288
00:51:27,021 --> 00:51:28,481
It's 1860s.
1289
00:51:34,195 --> 00:51:35,905
Yeah, no, look,
I mean, that's, like,
1290
00:51:36,072 --> 00:51:37,365
well, if it's, like she's got
1291
00:51:37,532 --> 00:51:39,867
- the parrot on her shoulder...
- Right.
1292
00:51:40,034 --> 00:51:41,577
My day sucked.
1293
00:51:41,744 --> 00:51:43,246
I was fired from my job.
1294
00:51:43,412 --> 00:51:44,664
No, yeah.
1295
00:51:44,831 --> 00:51:46,457
Really, really,
like 15 minutes ago.
1296
00:51:46,624 --> 00:51:50,336
I was actually fired for coming
here to be with you guys.
1297
00:51:50,503 --> 00:51:52,338
And now, looking out
in the audience,
1298
00:51:52,505 --> 00:51:54,399
: I'm not sure
I made the right decision.
1299
00:51:54,423 --> 00:51:56,133
No, but really,
1300
00:51:56,300 --> 00:51:58,094
I got fired, and, um,
1301
00:51:58,261 --> 00:51:59,846
I didn't think
that was possible.
1302
00:52:00,012 --> 00:52:03,182
I mean, look at me, guys.
1303
00:52:03,349 --> 00:52:06,853
Look. I am a dark-skinned
Indian woman.
1304
00:52:07,019 --> 00:52:08,688
Aren't I un-fireable?
1305
00:52:08,855 --> 00:52:11,399
I mean, I'm a token,
for God's sakes. You don't...
1306
00:52:11,566 --> 00:52:13,192
Why is this for lung cancer?
1307
00:52:13,359 --> 00:52:15,611
I think the emcee girl's dad
died from it.
1308
00:52:15,778 --> 00:52:18,155
- Who's the emcee?
- I think she works at Colbert.
1309
00:52:18,322 --> 00:52:20,074
- She works for me.
- See, now
1310
00:52:20,241 --> 00:52:22,135
I'm convincing myself that
I-I should've been fired.
1311
00:52:22,159 --> 00:52:23,804
- Thank you so much
for being here, and thank you
1312
00:52:23,828 --> 00:52:25,228
for coming out
for this great cause.
1313
00:52:25,329 --> 00:52:28,666
Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...
1314
00:52:34,213 --> 00:52:36,507
Our next performer, uh, uh...
1315
00:52:36,674 --> 00:52:39,135
Okay, this is surprising
for a-a variety of reasons.
1316
00:52:39,302 --> 00:52:42,221
Our next performer is
Katherine Newbury, everyone.
1317
00:52:46,893 --> 00:52:48,853
Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you.
1318
00:52:49,020 --> 00:52:50,646
Thank you so much. Thank you.
1319
00:52:50,813 --> 00:52:52,064
Thank you very much.
1320
00:52:54,275 --> 00:52:55,475
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1321
00:52:55,568 --> 00:52:56,944
Thank you. Now shut up.
1322
00:52:58,237 --> 00:52:59,488
So, I joined Twitter.
1323
00:52:59,655 --> 00:53:01,407
I didn't want to.
My publicist made me.
1324
00:53:01,574 --> 00:53:03,868
And...
I was okay at first.
1325
00:53:04,035 --> 00:53:05,912
I was... with the twittering
and the tweeting,
1326
00:53:06,078 --> 00:53:07,830
but do you know
where it lost me?
1327
00:53:07,997 --> 00:53:10,833
Fave-ing. Fave-ing.
1328
00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:14,712
Because "fave" is short
for "favorite," right?
1329
00:53:14,879 --> 00:53:17,757
But you can only have
one favorite.
1330
00:53:17,924 --> 00:53:19,383
You can only have one.
1331
00:53:19,550 --> 00:53:21,636
You can't have lots
of favorites. It's stupid.
1332
00:53:23,179 --> 00:53:24,263
F-Faves. Faves.
1333
00:53:24,430 --> 00:53:26,265
They can't all be
your favorite.
1334
00:53:26,432 --> 00:53:27,934
It's stupid.
1335
00:53:31,854 --> 00:53:36,192
Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.
1336
00:53:36,359 --> 00:53:39,445
So, that's not working.
1337
00:53:42,323 --> 00:53:45,076
Well, shit, guys.
1338
00:53:45,242 --> 00:53:48,454
I don't know.
I just don't know.
1339
00:53:50,039 --> 00:53:51,999
I guess that's why
1340
00:53:52,166 --> 00:53:55,169
they're taking my show
away from me.
1341
00:53:55,336 --> 00:53:57,755
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
1342
00:53:57,922 --> 00:53:59,966
Yeah, that's happening.
1343
00:54:01,926 --> 00:54:04,887
They're taking my show away,
and the thing is...
1344
00:54:09,141 --> 00:54:13,688
The thing is,
if they take my show away,
1345
00:54:13,854 --> 00:54:17,608
I do not know
what I am going to do.
1346
00:54:19,568 --> 00:54:22,697
I am a woman in my 50s
in Hollywood.
1347
00:54:24,657 --> 00:54:26,575
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
1348
00:54:26,742 --> 00:54:30,329
In Hollywood,
what am I going to do?
1349
00:54:34,333 --> 00:54:36,460
You know what? I've got it.
1350
00:54:38,421 --> 00:54:40,172
I could play
Sean Penn's grandmother
1351
00:54:40,339 --> 00:54:42,466
in the movie where he
is married to Emma Stone.
1352
00:54:42,633 --> 00:54:45,594
His childhood sweetheart.
1353
00:54:45,761 --> 00:54:47,304
It's so unfair.
1354
00:54:47,471 --> 00:54:49,265
I mean, Tom Cruise
is the same age as me.
1355
00:54:49,432 --> 00:54:50,850
We're the same age.
1356
00:54:51,017 --> 00:54:52,697
He gets to fight the Mummy.
I am the Mummy.
1357
00:54:52,768 --> 00:54:54,246
You know what? No, no, no.
1358
00:54:54,270 --> 00:54:55,646
I'm too old to play the Mummy.
1359
00:54:55,813 --> 00:54:57,573
They'd get Anne Hathaway in
to play the Mummy
1360
00:54:57,648 --> 00:54:59,008
and put, like,
Mummy makeup on her.
1361
00:54:59,150 --> 00:55:00,544
- I'm probably
gonna have to have
1362
00:55:00,568 --> 00:55:02,111
a facelift
just to do voice work.
1363
00:55:02,278 --> 00:55:04,655
I'm gonna have to have, like,
Botox and lip filler
1364
00:55:04,822 --> 00:55:08,451
just to play the voice of a
wise old tree in a Pixar movie.
1365
00:55:08,617 --> 00:55:10,337
You know when you're watching
1366
00:55:10,369 --> 00:55:12,538
an awards show, and they play
people off with music?
1367
00:55:12,705 --> 00:55:14,582
You know, when they've gone on
for too long?
1368
00:55:14,749 --> 00:55:16,476
I feel like that's what they're
doing to my life right now.
1369
00:55:16,500 --> 00:55:18,794
They're just,
"Get off. Time to die.
1370
00:55:18,961 --> 00:55:20,463
"Just fuck off.
1371
00:55:20,629 --> 00:55:23,257
"Take that old face
and just go.
1372
00:55:23,424 --> 00:55:26,177
"Go sit.
Go sit in the dark somewhere.
1373
00:55:26,343 --> 00:55:28,012
"You remind us all
of our ex-wives.
1374
00:55:28,179 --> 00:55:29,764
Yeah. The older ones."
1375
00:55:31,807 --> 00:55:33,225
Thank you. Yeah.
1376
00:55:33,392 --> 00:55:35,728
I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.
1377
00:55:45,362 --> 00:55:47,114
Thank you, Dee, so very much.
1378
00:55:47,281 --> 00:55:49,492
- Get in the car.
- Okay.
1379
00:55:49,658 --> 00:55:51,660
She's coming back.
She's coming back!
1380
00:55:51,827 --> 00:55:53,621
Come on, come on, you guys.
1381
00:55:55,748 --> 00:55:57,583
Don't push me. Don't push me.
1382
00:55:57,750 --> 00:55:59,752
She's coming back.
1383
00:55:59,919 --> 00:56:02,463
- Uh, um...
- Uh...
1384
00:56:05,549 --> 00:56:07,760
Hey, hey. Look who's back.
1385
00:56:07,927 --> 00:56:09,279
Oh, my God.
1386
00:56:09,303 --> 00:56:11,180
- Hey.
- Hey.
1387
00:56:11,347 --> 00:56:13,390
This is my fault.
1388
00:56:13,557 --> 00:56:16,393
You were too scared to tell me
what you really think,
1389
00:56:16,560 --> 00:56:18,771
and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.
1390
00:56:21,107 --> 00:56:24,527
I am the only woman in
late-night network television,
1391
00:56:24,693 --> 00:56:28,280
but I have been doing the same
format and the same jokes--
1392
00:56:28,447 --> 00:56:32,076
hell, even the same cadences--
as some of these other guys.
1393
00:56:32,243 --> 00:56:33,577
So, what are you saying?
1394
00:56:33,744 --> 00:56:34,888
You want more jokes
about female issues?
1395
00:56:34,912 --> 00:56:36,152
No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you
1396
00:56:36,247 --> 00:56:37,847
to write me a tight five
on menstruation.
1397
00:56:37,998 --> 00:56:40,167
I just want to say only things
I can talk about.
1398
00:56:40,334 --> 00:56:41,978
Nothing is off-limits.
If you think it's funny,
1399
00:56:42,002 --> 00:56:43,462
I don't care
how personal it is.
1400
00:56:43,629 --> 00:56:46,423
I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman
1401
00:56:46,590 --> 00:56:49,593
who has never given birth
or seen a superhero film.
1402
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:51,303
Write to that.
You cannot offend me.
1403
00:56:51,470 --> 00:56:53,931
If you don't know enough
about me, come and talk to me.
1404
00:56:54,098 --> 00:56:55,724
I swear I will not
scream at you.
1405
00:56:55,891 --> 00:56:58,644
I want it to be specific,
and I want it to be political.
1406
00:56:58,811 --> 00:57:00,747
I'm gonna do the abortion joke
tomorrow, and, Seven,
1407
00:57:00,771 --> 00:57:02,124
she's writing monologue jokes
with you.
1408
00:57:02,148 --> 00:57:03,524
Uh... sorry, I'm not
1409
00:57:03,691 --> 00:57:05,568
a screenwriting course
at the JFK Radisson.
1410
00:57:05,734 --> 00:57:07,963
I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.
1411
00:57:07,987 --> 00:57:10,030
No. I hate
to break this to you, Seven,
1412
00:57:10,197 --> 00:57:11,837
but you're not gonna be
teaching anything,
1413
00:57:11,907 --> 00:57:13,909
because I want someone
who doesn't think in exactly
1414
00:57:14,076 --> 00:57:16,036
the same way as everyone else
in the goddamn room.
1415
00:57:16,078 --> 00:57:17,472
So she's writing
monologue jokes with you.
1416
00:57:17,496 --> 00:57:20,207
Listen to me,
no matter what you hear--
1417
00:57:20,374 --> 00:57:22,459
online, from your agents,
wherever--
1418
00:57:22,626 --> 00:57:24,712
believe only this:
1419
00:57:24,879 --> 00:57:26,881
This is my show,
1420
00:57:27,047 --> 00:57:28,841
and I'm not going
fucking anywhere.
1421
00:57:30,259 --> 00:57:31,886
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
1422
00:57:32,052 --> 00:57:33,888
We've got a great show
for you tonight.
1423
00:57:34,054 --> 00:57:35,514
More good news from Washington.
1424
00:57:35,681 --> 00:57:38,350
Three Republican senators
have yet again proposed
1425
00:57:38,517 --> 00:57:40,895
a bill to defund
Planned Parenthood.
1426
00:57:41,061 --> 00:57:44,356
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
1427
00:57:44,523 --> 00:57:46,358
are the ones getting laid
the least.
1428
00:57:48,402 --> 00:57:49,778
I never thought I'd say this,
1429
00:57:49,945 --> 00:57:51,548
but thank God
I'm going through menopause.
1430
00:57:51,572 --> 00:57:54,158
♪ It's how you dance now ♪
1431
00:57:54,325 --> 00:57:56,493
♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪
1432
00:57:56,660 --> 00:57:58,204
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1433
00:57:58,370 --> 00:58:01,207
♪ There's only one you,
so do it like you do... ♪
1434
00:58:01,373 --> 00:58:04,001
What exactly is wrong
with my bits?
1435
00:58:04,168 --> 00:58:05,711
To be honest,
1436
00:58:05,878 --> 00:58:08,130
you're a little old
and a little white.
1437
00:58:08,297 --> 00:58:10,382
Okay. Those are facts.
1438
00:58:10,549 --> 00:58:12,760
What the fuck can I do
about that?
1439
00:58:14,428 --> 00:58:17,514
So, recently,
someone accused me of being,
1440
00:58:17,681 --> 00:58:20,809
quote, "a little bit old
and a little bit white."
1441
00:58:20,976 --> 00:58:23,854
"I'm very old and very white."
1442
00:58:24,021 --> 00:58:26,523
I never do things halfway.
1443
00:58:26,690 --> 00:58:28,567
But what can a person like me
do about that?
1444
00:58:28,734 --> 00:58:31,028
If I try and fix it,
I can come across
1445
00:58:31,195 --> 00:58:33,405
as trying to be some sort
of white savior.
1446
00:58:33,572 --> 00:58:35,199
Then I decided
I was okay with that,
1447
00:58:35,366 --> 00:58:38,994
so let me introduce you
to a new series on Tonight:
1448
00:58:39,161 --> 00:58:41,163
"Katherine Newbury:
White Savior."
1449
00:58:41,330 --> 00:58:43,499
My name is Katherine Newbury.
Do you watch my show?
1450
00:58:43,666 --> 00:58:44,833
- No.
- Nah.
1451
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:48,003
Okay.
Well, that's demoralizing.
1452
00:58:48,170 --> 00:58:50,547
Could you tell me if there's
been any instance recently
1453
00:58:50,714 --> 00:58:52,716
where you feel that you've been
treated differently
1454
00:58:52,883 --> 00:58:54,385
because of the way you look?
1455
00:58:54,551 --> 00:58:57,054
- Yeah. -I feel like
I can never hail a cab.
1456
00:58:57,221 --> 00:58:59,515
You feel like you can
never hail a cab?
1457
00:58:59,682 --> 00:59:01,850
Let's see what we can do
about that.
1458
00:59:03,310 --> 00:59:06,397
Here we go. Ah.
1459
00:59:06,563 --> 00:59:07,982
Hey, um...
1460
00:59:08,148 --> 00:59:09,733
I actually didn't need
to go anywhere.
1461
00:59:09,900 --> 00:59:12,278
That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviors work.
1462
00:59:13,779 --> 00:59:15,447
♪ It's how you move now ♪
1463
00:59:17,199 --> 00:59:18,426
- ♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪
- Okay.
1464
00:59:18,450 --> 00:59:19,743
Okay.
1465
00:59:19,910 --> 00:59:21,590
I don't understand
why people wouldn't want
1466
00:59:21,745 --> 00:59:24,415
to get to know about
great journalists and writers.
1467
00:59:24,581 --> 00:59:26,834
Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.
1468
00:59:27,001 --> 00:59:30,004
And now your host,
Katherine Newbury.
1469
00:59:30,170 --> 00:59:34,091
Now, you are in a show
about teen vampires
1470
00:59:34,258 --> 00:59:36,593
called Van Helsing Prep.
1471
00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:39,513
And you play a character
called Lydia Stoker.
1472
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,017
I can see they did a lot...
a lot of research for this.
1473
00:59:45,102 --> 00:59:47,271
It's-it's silly.
Whatever. It's for teens.
1474
00:59:47,438 --> 00:59:49,440
She actually seems very smart.
1475
00:59:49,606 --> 00:59:51,501
...even though
she's always in a bikini,
1476
00:59:51,525 --> 00:59:53,628
- which doesn't even really make sense.
- I'd watch that show.
1477
00:59:53,652 --> 00:59:55,487
- I'll start to watch that show.
- Mm-hmm.
1478
00:59:55,654 --> 00:59:57,614
Kind of a guilty pleasure?
1479
00:59:57,781 --> 00:59:59,033
Well, you know what I think?
1480
01:00:01,368 --> 01:00:03,954
There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures--
1481
01:00:04,121 --> 01:00:05,873
only pleasures--
1482
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:09,418
and I think Van Helsing Prep
is a real pleasure.
1483
01:00:09,585 --> 01:00:10,878
You've seen it?
1484
01:00:11,045 --> 01:00:12,546
Yes. And your character
is reminiscent
1485
01:00:12,713 --> 01:00:14,798
of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.
1486
01:00:16,550 --> 01:00:18,969
I... What I mean is
that it is, um...
1487
01:00:19,136 --> 01:00:20,304
it's very hard to pull off.
1488
01:00:20,471 --> 01:00:23,682
Thank you so much
for saying that.
1489
01:00:23,849 --> 01:00:25,618
I mean, I haven't seen every episode.
1490
01:00:25,642 --> 01:00:27,144
Can I hug you?
1491
01:00:27,311 --> 01:00:28,311
I... Sorry?
1492
01:00:28,395 --> 01:00:30,397
Hug you?
1493
01:00:30,564 --> 01:00:31,764
- She wants to hug you.
- Yeah.
1494
01:00:31,857 --> 01:00:32,691
- Hug her.
- Yeah.
1495
01:00:32,858 --> 01:00:35,277
Um, yeah, sure.
1496
01:00:35,444 --> 01:00:36,444
♪ La-la la la ♪
1497
01:00:38,572 --> 01:00:40,240
♪ I'm gonna dance
till I die... ♪
1498
01:00:40,407 --> 01:00:42,076
Heavens to Betsy.
1499
01:00:42,242 --> 01:00:44,745
Th-th-there, there, there.
There, there.
1500
01:00:44,912 --> 01:00:45,912
Hey.
1501
01:00:45,996 --> 01:00:47,289
Burditt's outside smoking.
1502
01:00:47,456 --> 01:00:49,833
No, I came to talk to you
about a bit.
1503
01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:51,418
Katherine helps people
1504
01:00:51,585 --> 01:00:54,171
complain about a messed-up
Meal Kwik order?
1505
01:00:54,338 --> 01:00:55,774
I don't even know
if it's a thing yet,
1506
01:00:55,798 --> 01:00:57,278
but do you want to work
on it with me?
1507
01:00:57,341 --> 01:00:58,884
- With me?
- Yeah.
1508
01:00:59,051 --> 01:01:00,528
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, of course, of course.
1509
01:01:00,552 --> 01:01:01,804
Please. Come in. Welcome.
1510
01:01:01,970 --> 01:01:03,323
- I'll-I'll go get a chair.
- Yeah.
1511
01:01:03,347 --> 01:01:04,866
Or even, like,
a trash can or whatever.
1512
01:01:04,890 --> 01:01:06,725
- Very funny.
- ♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪
1513
01:01:06,892 --> 01:01:09,686
One of the best parts
about being a celebrity
1514
01:01:09,853 --> 01:01:12,898
is that if you complain about
something on social media,
1515
01:01:13,065 --> 01:01:15,275
the company actually
takes care of it
1516
01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,778
because they're scared
of bad publicity.
1517
01:01:17,945 --> 01:01:19,585
Nobody cares
if your flight gets canceled,
1518
01:01:19,696 --> 01:01:22,366
but if Chrissy Teigen's does,
watch out.
1519
01:01:22,533 --> 01:01:25,994
So, I've decided to file
your grievances for you.
1520
01:01:26,161 --> 01:01:27,704
So, millennial,
how did you feel
1521
01:01:27,871 --> 01:01:30,040
when your burger arrived
without fries?
1522
01:01:30,207 --> 01:01:31,727
I-I forgot about it,
and then I saw you
1523
01:01:31,875 --> 01:01:33,103
on the street,
and you asked me...
1524
01:01:33,127 --> 01:01:35,421
Devastated. Devastated.
1525
01:01:35,587 --> 01:01:37,965
We're so happy we avenged you.
1526
01:01:38,132 --> 01:01:39,800
Great. Great.
1527
01:01:39,967 --> 01:01:41,093
Enjoy your fries, everyone.
1528
01:01:41,260 --> 01:01:42,553
"Playful viral bits
1529
01:01:42,719 --> 01:01:44,638
and an overall
more engaged demeanor."
1530
01:01:44,805 --> 01:01:46,449
- Uh-huh.
- "Tonight with Katherine Newbury
1531
01:01:46,473 --> 01:01:48,225
is becoming a must-see
once again!"
1532
01:01:50,060 --> 01:01:52,354
Now, tell me how you feel
you're treated differently
1533
01:01:52,521 --> 01:01:53,856
because of the way you look.
1534
01:01:54,022 --> 01:01:55,375
- Yeah...
- Something small, not systemic.
1535
01:01:55,399 --> 01:01:57,039
There's nothing I can do
about getting you
1536
01:01:57,067 --> 01:01:58,294
approved for a bank loan.
1537
01:01:58,318 --> 01:02:00,821
Into the cab, into the cab.
1538
01:02:00,988 --> 01:02:02,531
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪
1539
01:02:02,698 --> 01:02:04,092
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪
1540
01:02:05,742 --> 01:02:07,053
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that... ♪
1541
01:02:07,077 --> 01:02:09,037
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
1542
01:02:09,204 --> 01:02:11,123
♪ You like it
when I bring it right back ♪
1543
01:02:11,290 --> 01:02:13,542
♪ And I know when
we do it like that... ♪
1544
01:02:13,709 --> 01:02:15,002
No, don't wait up.
1545
01:02:15,169 --> 01:02:17,254
Okay, yeah, I love you.
It's all good.
1546
01:02:17,421 --> 01:02:19,298
I'm proud of you, Katie.
1547
01:02:19,465 --> 01:02:21,383
Hello, everyone.
1548
01:02:21,550 --> 01:02:22,926
My name is Katherine Newbury.
1549
01:02:23,093 --> 01:02:25,596
Now, let me ask,
does anyone in the audience
1550
01:02:25,762 --> 01:02:27,264
suffer from depression?
1551
01:02:27,431 --> 01:02:29,183
No? Nobody?
I can't really be the only one.
1552
01:02:29,349 --> 01:02:31,069
Well, I guess depressed people
aren't really
1553
01:02:31,101 --> 01:02:33,020
the call-and-response type.
1554
01:02:33,187 --> 01:02:35,039
Now, schizophrenics,
on the other hand, they're...
1555
01:02:35,063 --> 01:02:36,773
they're all like,
"Here, here, here."
1556
01:02:36,940 --> 01:02:38,358
And that's just one person.
1557
01:02:40,194 --> 01:02:42,613
Speaking of depression,
this week for me
1558
01:02:42,779 --> 01:02:46,200
has been a total series
of disasters.
1559
01:02:48,202 --> 01:02:49,912
It's late.
1560
01:02:50,078 --> 01:02:51,556
: It's been
particularly irritating.
1561
01:02:51,580 --> 01:02:53,832
You should be going home.
1562
01:02:56,710 --> 01:02:59,379
Were you really depressed?
1563
01:02:59,546 --> 01:03:01,340
Or was it just part of the act?
1564
01:03:01,507 --> 01:03:02,841
I'm sorry?
1565
01:03:03,008 --> 01:03:05,010
I've watched this stand-up
so many times
1566
01:03:05,177 --> 01:03:07,513
when I was growing up, and...
1567
01:03:07,679 --> 01:03:09,097
it always made me feel better.
1568
01:03:09,264 --> 01:03:10,784
You know, like,
she's talking about it,
1569
01:03:10,933 --> 01:03:13,727
and she's being so funny, so...
1570
01:03:13,894 --> 01:03:17,147
I must not be weird
for feeling this way.
1571
01:03:19,775 --> 01:03:21,610
Yes, I was.
1572
01:03:21,777 --> 01:03:23,237
Depressed.
1573
01:03:23,403 --> 01:03:24,905
I still am.
1574
01:03:25,072 --> 01:03:26,448
Come with me.
1575
01:03:29,159 --> 01:03:31,870
♪ ♪
1576
01:03:32,037 --> 01:03:34,081
And here we are.
1577
01:03:34,248 --> 01:03:36,041
Oh, my God.
1578
01:03:36,208 --> 01:03:38,377
How many Emmys do you have?
1579
01:03:38,544 --> 01:03:40,337
And a Golden Globe?
1580
01:03:40,504 --> 01:03:41,922
You were knighted?
1581
01:03:42,089 --> 01:03:44,174
You're Dame Katherine Newbury?
1582
01:03:44,341 --> 01:03:46,218
Mm-hmm.
"Knight" sounds so much better
1583
01:03:46,385 --> 01:03:47,625
than "Dame," though,
doesn't it?
1584
01:03:47,761 --> 01:03:49,137
"Knight"
is Lancelot and romance,
1585
01:03:49,304 --> 01:03:51,056
"Dame" just the old bag
who takes too long
1586
01:03:51,223 --> 01:03:52,599
in the grocery checkout line.
1587
01:03:55,269 --> 01:03:57,104
Wow.
1588
01:03:57,271 --> 01:03:59,189
Burditt is a baby
in this photo.
1589
01:03:59,356 --> 01:04:01,733
That was the first year
we won the Emmy.
1590
01:04:01,900 --> 01:04:03,694
It was good stuff back then.
1591
01:04:03,860 --> 01:04:06,196
Oh, that must be Tom's dad--
I-I mean Seven's dad.
1592
01:04:06,363 --> 01:04:09,116
Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.
1593
01:04:09,283 --> 01:04:11,493
You know, he's not terrible
just 'cause he's privileged.
1594
01:04:11,660 --> 01:04:14,746
If his very worst qualities
are elitism and snobbery,
1595
01:04:14,913 --> 01:04:16,748
that's not really
all that bad, is it?
1596
01:04:16,915 --> 01:04:19,668
Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a diversity hire.
1597
01:04:19,835 --> 01:04:21,336
You are a diversity hire.
1598
01:04:22,713 --> 01:04:24,089
What?
You think no one ever
1599
01:04:24,256 --> 01:04:26,008
accused me of sleeping
my way to the top?
1600
01:04:26,174 --> 01:04:27,634
I mean, the point is,
you're here.
1601
01:04:27,801 --> 01:04:29,601
And if you want people
to see you as something
1602
01:04:29,678 --> 01:04:33,473
other than a diversity hire,
you have to make them.
1603
01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:37,603
It's not fair,
but it never is for women.
1604
01:04:37,769 --> 01:04:40,856
I want you to know that you
have changed my life forever.
1605
01:04:41,023 --> 01:04:43,108
- No, look...
- And I want...
1606
01:04:43,275 --> 01:04:47,029
No. I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, but...
1607
01:04:47,195 --> 01:04:50,157
your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.
1608
01:04:51,700 --> 01:04:55,037
God, why can't I express
my admiration for you?
1609
01:04:55,203 --> 01:04:57,664
Because successful people
hate their own admirers,
1610
01:04:57,831 --> 01:05:00,709
and we're suspicious
of people who compliment us.
1611
01:05:00,876 --> 01:05:02,437
That's horrible.
How do you have any friends?
1612
01:05:02,461 --> 01:05:05,130
I don't think I have any.
1613
01:05:11,261 --> 01:05:13,722
Ah, it's getting late.
1614
01:05:15,140 --> 01:05:17,851
♪ ♪
1615
01:05:22,856 --> 01:05:24,775
I have bad news.
1616
01:05:24,941 --> 01:05:26,902
For sweeps, they...
1617
01:05:27,069 --> 01:05:31,865
want you to introduce Tennant
as your replacement.
1618
01:05:34,785 --> 01:05:36,119
We tried.
1619
01:05:40,040 --> 01:05:41,958
I was watching
Game of Thrones.
1620
01:05:42,125 --> 01:05:45,003
And I'm watching
with my girlfriend, right?
1621
01:05:45,170 --> 01:05:48,131
And she's like, "Oh, my God.
1622
01:05:48,298 --> 01:05:50,175
"This is so unfair.
1623
01:05:50,342 --> 01:05:51,802
"All the women are nude,
1624
01:05:51,968 --> 01:05:53,679
but, like,
none of the men are nude."
1625
01:05:53,845 --> 01:05:55,565
So I whipped out my nuts.
1626
01:05:55,681 --> 01:05:57,391
And she's like,
"Oh, my God, balls!"
1627
01:05:57,557 --> 01:05:59,935
And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"
1628
01:06:00,102 --> 01:06:01,662
Yeah, but that other one
got cut, right?
1629
01:06:01,728 --> 01:06:03,568
Uh, we can cut it,
and we can put this in there
1630
01:06:03,730 --> 01:06:05,130
- in its place, so if, um...
- Okay.
1631
01:06:05,190 --> 01:06:06,750
- Oh, good.
- So, if we're running long,
1632
01:06:06,817 --> 01:06:08,711
- we can end on the Supreme Court joke.
- Okay. Yeah.
1633
01:06:08,735 --> 01:06:10,672
- And if not, then we have two
more cards ready to go. -Here.
1634
01:06:10,696 --> 01:06:13,156
- Okay. -All right. So, why
don't we, uh, I don't know...
1635
01:06:13,323 --> 01:06:14,950
Okay, I just have to say--
1636
01:06:15,117 --> 01:06:17,994
no, no, I-I need to say--
that you don't have to do this.
1637
01:06:18,161 --> 01:06:19,496
Stop.
1638
01:06:19,663 --> 01:06:22,249
Listen to me.
You need to do this.
1639
01:06:22,416 --> 01:06:23,936
Introducing Tennant
is the classy move.
1640
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,395
You make it look like
it was your decision.
1641
01:06:25,419 --> 01:06:26,562
I mean, it's-it's the best
we can do.
1642
01:06:26,586 --> 01:06:27,713
No, it's not.
1643
01:06:27,879 --> 01:06:29,256
This is your show.
1644
01:06:29,423 --> 01:06:31,758
It's an expression
of who you are.
1645
01:06:31,925 --> 01:06:35,345
Is handing the show over
to Daniel Tennant who you are?
1646
01:06:37,264 --> 01:06:39,558
I have to prepare.
1647
01:06:40,726 --> 01:06:42,144
That's not cool.
1648
01:06:42,310 --> 01:06:44,187
Hey. Hey!
1649
01:06:44,354 --> 01:06:46,690
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
1650
01:06:46,857 --> 01:06:47,983
Okay.
1651
01:06:48,150 --> 01:06:49,460
You can't tell her
stuff like that.
1652
01:06:49,484 --> 01:06:50,944
They made a decision, Molly.
1653
01:06:51,111 --> 01:06:53,238
Now it's our job--
our-our actual job--
1654
01:06:53,405 --> 01:06:55,282
to find a way for our boss
1655
01:06:55,449 --> 01:06:56,843
to tell America
that she's stepping down
1656
01:06:56,867 --> 01:06:58,118
and to do it in a way
1657
01:06:58,285 --> 01:07:00,370
that makes her look classy
and smart,
1658
01:07:00,537 --> 01:07:02,456
and for all of us
to save a little face.
1659
01:07:02,622 --> 01:07:04,666
Yes, saving face:
the most important pillar
1660
01:07:04,833 --> 01:07:06,209
in the WASP handbook to life.
1661
01:07:06,376 --> 01:07:08,056
Oh, okay. There's no pillars
in a handbook,
1662
01:07:08,086 --> 01:07:09,421
so get your metaphors straight.
1663
01:07:09,588 --> 01:07:11,315
And do you think we want her
to give the show
1664
01:07:11,339 --> 01:07:13,192
to a douche like Tennant, no,
but we don't go rogue
1665
01:07:13,216 --> 01:07:14,426
and just say anything we feel.
1666
01:07:14,593 --> 01:07:15,844
That's not how things work.
1667
01:07:16,011 --> 01:07:17,554
You know what?
Fuck how things work.
1668
01:07:17,721 --> 01:07:19,449
If I cared how things work,
I wouldn't have this job.
1669
01:07:19,473 --> 01:07:22,309
: Which would be
absolutely fantastic.
1670
01:07:22,476 --> 01:07:25,103
Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?
1671
01:07:25,270 --> 01:07:27,981
Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long
string of failed relationships
1672
01:07:28,148 --> 01:07:30,776
with semi-talented women
who overdress for work.
1673
01:07:30,942 --> 01:07:32,527
It must be so hard for you.
1674
01:07:32,694 --> 01:07:33,694
What?
1675
01:07:33,737 --> 01:07:36,239
That we have the same job.
1676
01:07:36,406 --> 01:07:37,783
Not the same job, Molly.
1677
01:07:37,949 --> 01:07:39,451
You write jokes
for the monologue.
1678
01:07:39,618 --> 01:07:42,120
- I'm the head monologue writer.
- Whatever, Seven.
1679
01:07:42,287 --> 01:07:44,265
Walk into a dead end-- that's
a... that's a great finish.
1680
01:07:44,289 --> 01:07:45,832
Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep.
1681
01:07:45,999 --> 01:07:47,852
No, no, you showed me.
Walking into-into a closet.
1682
01:07:47,876 --> 01:07:49,294
That's great.
1683
01:07:49,461 --> 01:07:51,546
♪ ♪
1684
01:07:55,175 --> 01:07:57,260
And in five,
1685
01:07:57,427 --> 01:08:00,263
four, three, two...
1686
01:08:00,430 --> 01:08:02,557
Katherine Newbury.
1687
01:08:02,724 --> 01:08:05,310
Now, there are some rumors
out there
1688
01:08:05,477 --> 01:08:07,395
that you might be
replacing me.
1689
01:08:10,941 --> 01:08:13,318
Uh, well, uh...
1690
01:08:13,485 --> 01:08:14,486
you're a legend, okay?
1691
01:08:14,653 --> 01:08:16,488
I would be beyond honored.
1692
01:08:16,655 --> 01:08:17,948
Thank you.
1693
01:08:18,114 --> 01:08:21,827
The thing is, I...
I don't want to go.
1694
01:08:25,747 --> 01:08:28,250
I get it. I mean, who would
want to leave here, right?
1695
01:08:28,416 --> 01:08:29,835
Your name's on the drum.
1696
01:08:30,001 --> 01:08:32,045
Hey, give it up for
Katherine Newbury, y'all.
1697
01:08:32,212 --> 01:08:34,047
Make some noise!
1698
01:08:39,135 --> 01:08:41,888
Thank you for the noise.
1699
01:08:42,055 --> 01:08:44,349
I find myself in a genuinely
strange position, though,
1700
01:08:44,516 --> 01:08:46,393
because I truly
do not want to go.
1701
01:08:46,560 --> 01:08:49,312
- Do you want me to go?
- No!
1702
01:08:53,525 --> 01:08:56,194
Uh, we all wish
she could stay, right?
1703
01:08:56,361 --> 01:08:58,488
I mean...
1704
01:08:58,655 --> 01:08:59,990
Right.
1705
01:09:01,283 --> 01:09:02,784
You really wish I could stay?
1706
01:09:03,952 --> 01:09:05,161
Sure. Yeah.
1707
01:09:07,080 --> 01:09:08,999
You really mean it?
1708
01:09:10,750 --> 01:09:12,627
Yeah. Yes.
1709
01:09:12,794 --> 01:09:14,713
Well, you know what, Daniel?
1710
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:16,423
I'll stay.
1711
01:09:18,800 --> 01:09:20,640
But only because you really,
really want me to.
1712
01:09:20,719 --> 01:09:22,429
Thank you, Daniel.
1713
01:09:22,596 --> 01:09:24,848
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
1714
01:09:25,015 --> 01:09:27,100
Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate!
1715
01:09:27,267 --> 01:09:28,518
You're welcome, America.
1716
01:09:28,685 --> 01:09:30,312
Well, that's...
1717
01:09:30,478 --> 01:09:32,856
- Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
- If you agree with me,
1718
01:09:33,023 --> 01:09:34,816
why don't you show me
some love on Twitter.
1719
01:09:34,983 --> 01:09:36,067
We have to take a break.
1720
01:09:36,234 --> 01:09:37,569
We'll see you back here
shortly.
1721
01:09:42,157 --> 01:09:43,533
You did great.
1722
01:09:45,994 --> 01:09:47,954
- I got this.
- What was that, man?
1723
01:09:48,121 --> 01:09:50,665
That sucked. We're done.
1724
01:09:51,750 --> 01:09:52,792
Did you enjoy that?
1725
01:09:52,959 --> 01:09:54,169
'Cause now you're fucked.
1726
01:09:54,336 --> 01:09:55,837
I don't know, Billy,
I think it really
1727
01:09:56,004 --> 01:09:57,297
shook the dust off this place.
1728
01:09:57,464 --> 01:09:58,715
Don't you?
1729
01:09:58,882 --> 01:10:01,009
Now get the fuck off my stage.
1730
01:10:04,054 --> 01:10:05,722
She did what?
1731
01:10:05,889 --> 01:10:07,349
Oh, oh, another thing.
1732
01:10:07,515 --> 01:10:09,327
I'm part of, um, um,
something called a hashtag
1733
01:10:09,351 --> 01:10:11,019
in which over half
a million people
1734
01:10:11,186 --> 01:10:14,564
participated or liked it or did
whatever they do with it.
1735
01:10:14,731 --> 01:10:16,399
I don't know.
1736
01:10:18,360 --> 01:10:19,360
What's wrong?
1737
01:10:19,402 --> 01:10:20,528
Nothing.
1738
01:10:20,695 --> 01:10:22,113
You were spectacular.
1739
01:10:22,280 --> 01:10:24,616
Walter, I'm not afraid
of Billy Kastner.
1740
01:10:24,783 --> 01:10:26,159
And you shouldn't be.
1741
01:10:26,326 --> 01:10:28,078
I'm going to open a champagne.
1742
01:10:30,747 --> 01:10:32,832
♪ ♪
1743
01:10:46,972 --> 01:10:47,972
Hi.
1744
01:10:48,056 --> 01:10:49,516
- Hey.
- So, to celebrate
1745
01:10:49,683 --> 01:10:51,768
the single best day
of my professional career,
1746
01:10:51,935 --> 01:10:54,729
I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and with cupcakes.
1747
01:10:54,896 --> 01:10:56,496
Cupcakes are for me.
The vodka's for you.
1748
01:10:56,606 --> 01:10:58,042
Uh, actually,
the vodka's for me, too,
1749
01:10:58,066 --> 01:10:59,168
if I'm being completely honest.
1750
01:11:01,403 --> 01:11:03,822
You should call
before you come over.
1751
01:11:03,989 --> 01:11:05,309
Yeah, but where's
the fun in that?
1752
01:11:05,407 --> 01:11:07,909
I know, but I-I can't tonight.
1753
01:11:09,786 --> 01:11:11,371
Do you have someone over?
1754
01:11:14,457 --> 01:11:16,710
Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.
1755
01:11:16,876 --> 01:11:18,586
- No, no.
- Oh, this fucking sucks.
1756
01:11:18,753 --> 01:11:20,588
- Oh, God. Oh...
- No, no. Molly.
1757
01:11:20,755 --> 01:11:22,590
Molly. Molly.
1758
01:11:24,509 --> 01:11:26,069
- I think we should get a drink.
- Yeah.
1759
01:11:26,219 --> 01:11:28,930
We should drink and maybe
talk about "73 Questions."
1760
01:11:29,097 --> 01:11:31,057
- Yes.
- Hey.
1761
01:11:31,224 --> 01:11:33,393
Uh, Molly, uh...
Molly, you want to
1762
01:11:33,560 --> 01:11:35,040
- go somewhere and talk?
- No, thanks.
1763
01:11:35,186 --> 01:11:37,605
- Come on, Molly.
- You should ask someone else.
1764
01:11:37,772 --> 01:11:40,567
Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.
1765
01:11:46,489 --> 01:11:48,408
Hey.
1766
01:11:49,617 --> 01:11:51,578
So, that was the other shoe.
1767
01:11:51,745 --> 01:11:53,163
What?
1768
01:11:53,329 --> 01:11:55,290
The other shoe dropping--
with Charlie.
1769
01:11:55,457 --> 01:11:57,577
Oh, no, I really don't want
to talk to you about this.
1770
01:11:57,667 --> 01:11:59,145
- Can I tell you a story?
- No, thanks.
1771
01:11:59,169 --> 01:12:00,521
All right, so the summer
after freshman year,
1772
01:12:00,545 --> 01:12:01,939
Charlie and I saved up
all of our money
1773
01:12:01,963 --> 01:12:03,403
to go to Pearl Jam
in Chicago, right?
1774
01:12:03,465 --> 01:12:05,025
And it was gonna be
this epic road trip.
1775
01:12:05,091 --> 01:12:06,509
The drive out was pretty great.
1776
01:12:06,676 --> 01:12:08,720
We just got high every day.
We laughed a lot.
1777
01:12:08,887 --> 01:12:11,181
We even got these matching
compass tattoos on our thighs.
1778
01:12:11,347 --> 01:12:13,308
Anyway, we get there,
I go to get a T-shirt
1779
01:12:13,475 --> 01:12:16,352
at the merch stand,
I come back, and he's gone.
1780
01:12:16,519 --> 01:12:17,771
Gone?
1781
01:12:17,937 --> 01:12:19,147
What do you mean, gone?
1782
01:12:19,314 --> 01:12:22,358
He met a girl, left with her.
1783
01:12:22,525 --> 01:12:23,943
I never saw him again.
1784
01:12:24,110 --> 01:12:26,071
I mean, you saw him again
later that night?
1785
01:12:26,237 --> 01:12:28,437
- I never saw him again that summer.
- That is horrible.
1786
01:12:28,531 --> 01:12:30,033
Why are you still friends
with him?
1787
01:12:30,200 --> 01:12:31,800
Well, I know that you
wouldn't be, right?
1788
01:12:31,951 --> 01:12:33,995
No, you're too principled
for that.
1789
01:12:34,162 --> 01:12:35,789
Teach you that at the factory?
1790
01:12:35,955 --> 01:12:36,790
It's a chemical plant.
1791
01:12:36,956 --> 01:12:38,666
All right. Look.
1792
01:12:38,833 --> 01:12:41,544
When you work with someone
that you've known for 18 years,
1793
01:12:41,711 --> 01:12:44,005
you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.
1794
01:12:44,172 --> 01:12:46,508
I mean, you can't be
lifelong acquaintances.
1795
01:12:46,674 --> 01:12:48,885
Mortal enemies just felt like
a lot more work.
1796
01:12:51,596 --> 01:12:54,390
- You still have that tattoo?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1797
01:12:54,557 --> 01:12:56,059
Compass points
right to my balls.
1798
01:12:56,226 --> 01:12:58,478
It's fucking horrible.
1799
01:12:58,645 --> 01:13:00,688
I-I don't want to wear it.
That's all.
1800
01:13:00,855 --> 01:13:02,065
No, I get that. I do.
1801
01:13:02,232 --> 01:13:03,792
- Let me explain, though.
- It's stupid.
1802
01:13:03,817 --> 01:13:05,537
No, no, no,
but the bit is the idea
1803
01:13:05,610 --> 01:13:06,796
- that you're a pirate that
everybody knows. -Katherine.
1804
01:13:06,820 --> 01:13:07,838
- Katherine. Katherine.
- This...
1805
01:13:07,862 --> 01:13:09,072
- Uh, sorry.
- What?
1806
01:13:12,867 --> 01:13:13,952
Oh, my God.
1807
01:13:14,119 --> 01:13:15,995
Okay.
1808
01:13:17,997 --> 01:13:22,210
We don't...
we don't have to do the hook.
1809
01:13:22,377 --> 01:13:24,003
Hey. I got your McNuggets.
1810
01:13:24,170 --> 01:13:26,381
But I'm not gonna lie--
I had a few.
1811
01:13:26,548 --> 01:13:28,174
Look at this.
1812
01:13:35,515 --> 01:13:37,684
No. It can't be true.
It's not possible.
1813
01:13:37,851 --> 01:13:39,519
They hacked his e-mail.
1814
01:13:39,686 --> 01:13:41,354
It has to be true.
1815
01:13:41,521 --> 01:13:43,064
He hasn't returned
any of my calls.
1816
01:13:43,231 --> 01:13:44,232
And why Charlie?
1817
01:13:44,399 --> 01:13:45,608
- Why him?
- Because he's hot.
1818
01:13:45,775 --> 01:13:47,318
Do you think
it should have been you?
1819
01:13:47,485 --> 01:13:49,028
No, I don't.
1820
01:13:49,195 --> 01:13:51,155
And, by the way, looks and fame
aren't everything.
1821
01:13:51,239 --> 01:13:52,907
They're definitely everything.
1822
01:13:53,074 --> 01:13:54,951
Guys, can we not be glib
about this, please?
1823
01:13:55,118 --> 01:13:56,758
I mean, I thought
she really loved Walter.
1824
01:13:56,870 --> 01:13:58,621
- She does love him.
- The line is:
1825
01:13:58,788 --> 01:14:00,724
- "In sickness or in health."
- And you know what?
1826
01:14:00,748 --> 01:14:03,126
People always make those vows
in health,
1827
01:14:03,293 --> 01:14:04,878
so let's cut her some slack.
1828
01:14:05,044 --> 01:14:06,921
Let's get back to work.
1829
01:14:15,013 --> 01:14:17,182
Katherine Newbury is
in the news for allegedly
1830
01:14:17,348 --> 01:14:19,475
carrying on an affair
with a much younger man
1831
01:14:19,642 --> 01:14:21,603
who, uh, also happens to be
an employee of hers.
1832
01:14:21,769 --> 01:14:23,188
Did you see this?
1833
01:14:23,354 --> 01:14:24,939
I guess she took
the advice to get
1834
01:14:25,106 --> 01:14:28,026
more of the younger male
demographic to heart.
1835
01:14:31,738 --> 01:14:33,740
♪ ♪
1836
01:14:38,745 --> 01:14:40,580
This is Walter.
1837
01:14:40,747 --> 01:14:42,123
Leave a message.
1838
01:14:42,290 --> 01:14:44,000
Walter, please call me back.
1839
01:14:44,167 --> 01:14:46,211
I need to see you.
1840
01:14:57,972 --> 01:15:00,725
Katherine?
1841
01:15:01,935 --> 01:15:04,062
Oh, my God.
1842
01:15:05,772 --> 01:15:08,942
Open a window, for God's sakes.
1843
01:15:13,613 --> 01:15:15,073
It happened three years ago.
1844
01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:18,243
Walter had just been diagnosed,
1845
01:15:18,409 --> 01:15:20,536
and he was so depressed
and angry,
1846
01:15:20,703 --> 01:15:22,497
and I got angry with him
1847
01:15:22,664 --> 01:15:24,666
for being angry,
1848
01:15:24,832 --> 01:15:28,962
and Charlie was so warm
and funny and persistent and...
1849
01:15:29,128 --> 01:15:30,546
and gorgeous.
1850
01:15:30,713 --> 01:15:32,149
It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous
1851
01:15:32,173 --> 01:15:34,842
just knocking about.
1852
01:15:35,009 --> 01:15:36,809
Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it
1853
01:15:36,970 --> 01:15:38,930
every single second since.
1854
01:15:39,097 --> 01:15:41,599
You know what? It actually...
it doesn't matter,
1855
01:15:41,766 --> 01:15:43,369
because I-I've been working
on the monologue,
1856
01:15:43,393 --> 01:15:44,936
and I think we have
an opportunity
1857
01:15:45,103 --> 01:15:46,729
to really say something here.
1858
01:15:46,896 --> 01:15:48,314
I'm not addressing it.
1859
01:15:48,481 --> 01:15:50,441
- What?
- No, we'll go dark for a week,
1860
01:15:50,608 --> 01:15:52,860
and then I'll come back on,
and I won't mention it.
1861
01:15:53,027 --> 01:15:56,489
And then, in a month,
I'll be gone.
1862
01:15:56,656 --> 01:15:59,367
You'll be gone?
Why are you doing that?
1863
01:15:59,534 --> 01:16:01,136
Because of my complete
and utter humiliation
1864
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:02,800
in the eyes of
the American public, maybe?
1865
01:16:02,954 --> 01:16:04,664
No. You're being demonized,
Katherine,
1866
01:16:04,831 --> 01:16:06,291
- and it's not fair.
- It is fair.
1867
01:16:06,457 --> 01:16:08,501
I should be demonized.
I'm Katherine Newbury.
1868
01:16:08,668 --> 01:16:10,308
I stand for excellence
without compromise.
1869
01:16:10,336 --> 01:16:12,380
I fucked up.
I don't deserve the show.
1870
01:16:12,547 --> 01:16:14,716
- I think that you're wrong.
- You...
1871
01:16:14,882 --> 01:16:16,801
with over two months
experience in television.
1872
01:16:16,968 --> 01:16:19,679
I get it. You are ashamed
of what you did,
1873
01:16:19,846 --> 01:16:22,307
and you don't want to face it,
but everybody makes mistakes.
1874
01:16:22,473 --> 01:16:23,599
You need to talk about it.
1875
01:16:23,766 --> 01:16:25,518
I need to talk about it?
1876
01:16:25,685 --> 01:16:29,856
You know, what's so fascinating
about your generation is...
1877
01:16:30,023 --> 01:16:32,025
your obsession with catharsis.
1878
01:16:32,191 --> 01:16:33,484
It's so narcissistic.
1879
01:16:33,651 --> 01:16:34,986
In fact, we might as well
1880
01:16:35,153 --> 01:16:37,113
just go ahead
and call it catharcissism.
1881
01:16:37,280 --> 01:16:39,490
Where, for some reason,
just because
1882
01:16:39,657 --> 01:16:41,034
you confess something publicly,
1883
01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:42,994
you automatically get
redemption.
1884
01:16:43,161 --> 01:16:44,555
Well, I'm not gonna
play that trick.
1885
01:16:44,579 --> 01:16:46,289
I owe it to him,
and I owe it to me.
1886
01:16:46,456 --> 01:16:47,915
And that's
what's called backbone.
1887
01:16:48,082 --> 01:16:50,001
That's what's...
that's what's known as grit.
1888
01:16:50,168 --> 01:16:53,463
You want to talk to me
about grit?
1889
01:16:53,629 --> 01:16:55,590
I don't have any friends.
1890
01:16:55,757 --> 01:16:57,508
I don't come
from a rich family.
1891
01:16:57,675 --> 01:17:00,678
I didn't have a man whisk me
away when I was 20 years old
1892
01:17:00,845 --> 01:17:02,805
and tell me that I was
beautiful and a genius.
1893
01:17:02,972 --> 01:17:05,850
And guess what--
I'm probably not a genius.
1894
01:17:07,518 --> 01:17:11,606
And this show...
this is all I have.
1895
01:17:11,773 --> 01:17:14,150
So fuck you for giving it up.
1896
01:17:15,610 --> 01:17:18,488
You are selfish,
and you are scared,
1897
01:17:18,654 --> 01:17:20,615
and you have deluded yourself
into thinking
1898
01:17:20,782 --> 01:17:23,284
that is somehow the moral
high ground, but it's not.
1899
01:17:23,451 --> 01:17:25,262
Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,
1900
01:17:25,286 --> 01:17:26,606
because you no longer work
for me.
1901
01:17:26,704 --> 01:17:27,830
You're fired.
1902
01:17:27,997 --> 01:17:29,290
You know, it's funny.
1903
01:17:29,457 --> 01:17:30,917
You know everything about me,
1904
01:17:31,084 --> 01:17:32,752
and I don't even think
about you.
1905
01:17:32,919 --> 01:17:34,462
Bye-bye.
1906
01:17:34,629 --> 01:17:37,090
♪ ♪
1907
01:17:39,217 --> 01:17:42,512
Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.
1908
01:17:42,678 --> 01:17:44,597
I know it sucks.
1909
01:17:44,764 --> 01:17:46,057
No, it's cool.
1910
01:17:46,224 --> 01:17:47,725
It's like you're in
witness protection
1911
01:17:47,892 --> 01:17:50,395
and your secret identity
is an elderly Indian woman.
1912
01:17:51,687 --> 01:17:54,190
Good amount of glitter.
I like the ponies.
1913
01:17:54,357 --> 01:17:56,984
So, are you super excited about
getting your first period?
1914
01:17:57,151 --> 01:17:58,611
Oh, come on, man.
1915
01:17:58,778 --> 01:17:59,946
Wait, are you...?
1916
01:18:00,113 --> 01:18:01,239
Oh, please don't do that.
1917
01:18:01,406 --> 01:18:03,032
Okay? I-I'm not...
1918
01:18:03,199 --> 01:18:05,076
I'm not good with...
I'm not good with that.
1919
01:18:05,243 --> 01:18:06,911
It's-it's not what I do.
1920
01:18:07,078 --> 01:18:09,163
I just got fired after working
less than three months
1921
01:18:09,330 --> 01:18:10,790
on the job of my dreams.
1922
01:18:10,957 --> 01:18:13,167
Now I have to go back
to Pennsylvania
1923
01:18:13,334 --> 01:18:15,086
and work in a factory.
1924
01:18:15,253 --> 01:18:16,493
Thought it was
a chemical plant.
1925
01:18:16,546 --> 01:18:18,172
It's basically the same thing.
1926
01:18:18,339 --> 01:18:19,966
Come on.
1927
01:18:20,133 --> 01:18:22,301
You're not going back there.
1928
01:18:22,468 --> 01:18:23,886
Who will hire me?
1929
01:18:24,053 --> 01:18:25,430
I'm such a fucking loser.
1930
01:18:25,596 --> 01:18:28,474
I make such a bad
first impression on people.
1931
01:18:30,101 --> 01:18:32,728
Well, there is some truth
to that, but, I mean...
1932
01:18:32,895 --> 01:18:34,939
I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...
1933
01:18:36,858 --> 01:18:38,860
Honestly, you just need
to stop being such a pussy.
1934
01:18:39,026 --> 01:18:41,529
Hey, that was
incredibly offensive.
1935
01:18:41,696 --> 01:18:44,490
Maybe, but, I mean,
it's also pretty true.
1936
01:18:44,657 --> 01:18:46,784
What? You can't give up
1937
01:18:46,951 --> 01:18:49,579
just 'cause Katherine Newbury
was mean to you.
1938
01:18:49,745 --> 01:18:51,539
Come on, suck it up. Okay?
1939
01:18:51,706 --> 01:18:54,000
Stay in New York.
Get a... different apartment.
1940
01:18:54,167 --> 01:18:56,252
Not this one. Anything
but this one, honestly.
1941
01:18:56,419 --> 01:18:59,046
- O-Okay. -Okay? And find
another show to work on.
1942
01:19:01,299 --> 01:19:03,342
You're too good, Molly.
1943
01:19:05,845 --> 01:19:07,638
Do you really think that?
1944
01:19:07,805 --> 01:19:09,783
You know how hard it is for me
to compliment people,
1945
01:19:09,807 --> 01:19:11,684
so just don't make me
say it again.
1946
01:19:19,650 --> 01:19:21,736
♪ ♪
1947
01:19:33,456 --> 01:19:35,833
Good luck. Yeah?
1948
01:19:36,834 --> 01:19:38,252
Oh, you-you can leave that.
1949
01:19:38,419 --> 01:19:40,505
I kind of like it.
1950
01:19:52,642 --> 01:19:54,727
I'm on Zillow,
and in your price range,
1951
01:19:54,894 --> 01:19:56,694
you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.
1952
01:19:56,771 --> 01:19:58,314
Okay, well,
where can I afford to live?
1953
01:19:58,481 --> 01:20:00,691
SoGo? It's the neighborhood
south of Gowanus.
1954
01:20:00,858 --> 01:20:03,027
Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.
1955
01:20:03,194 --> 01:20:05,613
God, Parvati,
how is that helpful?
1956
01:20:07,406 --> 01:20:09,534
So, you left
after ten weeks, huh?
1957
01:20:09,700 --> 01:20:11,202
I was fired.
1958
01:20:11,369 --> 01:20:13,746
Yeah, I figured.
I was just trying to be polite.
1959
01:20:13,913 --> 01:20:16,832
I wasn't a good
personality match with my boss.
1960
01:20:16,999 --> 01:20:18,543
What is she like, anyway?
1961
01:20:18,709 --> 01:20:20,711
Because she's nice to me
at the Emmys,
1962
01:20:20,878 --> 01:20:22,463
but I can also tell on her face
1963
01:20:22,630 --> 01:20:24,882
that niceness
is very hard for her.
1964
01:20:25,049 --> 01:20:27,969
She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.
1965
01:20:28,135 --> 01:20:30,429
She could be so casually cruel,
1966
01:20:30,596 --> 01:20:33,641
all in the name
of excellence and efficiency.
1967
01:20:33,808 --> 01:20:35,935
Sounds like
a laid-back place to work.
1968
01:20:36,102 --> 01:20:37,979
I thought your jokes
were really good.
1969
01:20:38,145 --> 01:20:39,397
And yet, every morning,
1970
01:20:39,564 --> 01:20:40,874
I would wake up
with this yearning
1971
01:20:40,898 --> 01:20:42,233
to impress her, you know?
1972
01:20:42,400 --> 01:20:44,000
Like, somehow,
if I could make her laugh,
1973
01:20:44,151 --> 01:20:47,280
that meant that I was reaching
my greatest potential.
1974
01:20:47,446 --> 01:20:49,156
So, anyways, your jokes...
1975
01:20:49,323 --> 01:20:50,783
God, and the sound
of her laugh,
1976
01:20:50,950 --> 01:20:52,451
it would just light up
the whole room.
1977
01:20:52,618 --> 01:20:54,328
It was like a thousand
church bells.
1978
01:20:54,495 --> 01:20:55,580
It was incredible.
1979
01:20:55,746 --> 01:20:58,249
Well, I want to hire you,
1980
01:20:58,416 --> 01:21:00,793
but if you ever want to say
something like that again,
1981
01:21:00,960 --> 01:21:03,462
it should definitely be...
to a therapist.
1982
01:21:03,629 --> 01:21:05,464
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I would never...
1983
01:21:05,631 --> 01:21:06,924
I would never say that
about you.
1984
01:21:07,091 --> 01:21:08,360
- Yeah, no, please don't.
- Oh, my God.
1985
01:21:08,384 --> 01:21:09,510
Okay, thank you.
1986
01:21:09,677 --> 01:21:11,679
Thank you so much. Wow.
1987
01:21:11,846 --> 01:21:13,889
Fans on social media
are all wondering
1988
01:21:14,056 --> 01:21:15,474
whether Katherine Newbury
1989
01:21:15,641 --> 01:21:17,518
will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.
1990
01:21:17,685 --> 01:21:19,854
This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting
1991
01:21:20,021 --> 01:21:21,856
on her alleged
extramarital affair
1992
01:21:22,023 --> 01:21:24,609
and her pointed silence
on the matter.
1993
01:21:24,775 --> 01:21:26,777
This caps off one of
the most interesting seasons
1994
01:21:26,944 --> 01:21:29,030
in late-night television
in recent years.
1995
01:21:31,824 --> 01:21:34,285
Dogs with, like, people names?
1996
01:21:36,370 --> 01:21:37,370
- Hey.
- Hey.
1997
01:21:37,413 --> 01:21:38,247
Hi.
1998
01:21:38,414 --> 01:21:39,665
No, it's fine.
1999
01:21:39,832 --> 01:21:41,751
- You need help with the speech?
- No, no.
2000
01:21:41,917 --> 01:21:45,963
I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.
2001
01:21:47,798 --> 01:21:50,343
I just came to say thank you.
2002
01:21:52,553 --> 01:21:55,348
Brad.
2003
01:21:55,514 --> 01:21:57,391
Tom.
2004
01:22:00,770 --> 01:22:03,814
Mancuso. Reynolds.
2005
01:22:03,981 --> 01:22:05,733
Burditt.
2006
01:22:05,900 --> 01:22:09,487
Mendelsohn. Weber.
2007
01:22:12,406 --> 01:22:14,158
Six.
2008
01:22:18,329 --> 01:22:20,122
How did John Phillips die?
2009
01:22:20,289 --> 01:22:23,501
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
2010
01:22:28,047 --> 01:22:31,509
: I remember being
so hard on him.
2011
01:22:32,968 --> 01:22:35,137
You gave him a job.
2012
01:22:35,304 --> 01:22:37,515
I wasn't nice to him.
2013
01:22:39,266 --> 01:22:41,602
We're not here
because you're nice.
2014
01:22:41,769 --> 01:22:44,605
We're here because you're good.
2015
01:22:45,898 --> 01:22:48,234
She cried.
And thanked us.
2016
01:22:48,401 --> 01:22:50,194
- What?
- It was crazy.
2017
01:22:50,361 --> 01:22:52,321
When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.
2018
01:22:52,488 --> 01:22:53,715
Look, I really think
2019
01:22:53,739 --> 01:22:55,116
you should watch
the show later.
2020
01:22:55,282 --> 01:22:56,909
I mean, you worked
so hard on this.
2021
01:22:57,076 --> 01:22:58,595
Tom, go to work.
I'll talk to you later.
2022
01:22:58,619 --> 01:22:59,745
All right, all right.
2023
01:22:59,912 --> 01:23:01,497
Bye.
2024
01:23:08,963 --> 01:23:12,299
- Walter.
- Yeah.
2025
01:23:12,466 --> 01:23:14,760
I'd like to see you.
2026
01:23:14,927 --> 01:23:16,846
Okay.
2027
01:23:17,012 --> 01:23:18,657
Oh, but
there's press at the house.
2028
01:23:18,681 --> 01:23:20,808
Um, I'll think of somewhere.
2029
01:23:30,901 --> 01:23:32,903
When I left my wife and family
2030
01:23:33,070 --> 01:23:35,906
for a beautiful young
English girl,
2031
01:23:36,073 --> 01:23:39,243
they told me
there would be karma.
2032
01:23:39,410 --> 01:23:41,328
That I would pay for it.
2033
01:23:41,495 --> 01:23:43,330
And then...
2034
01:23:43,497 --> 01:23:45,750
years passed,
and nothing happened.
2035
01:23:45,916 --> 01:23:48,169
And I thought, "Well...
2036
01:23:48,335 --> 01:23:51,005
I'm the luckiest bastard
alive."
2037
01:23:52,381 --> 01:23:55,342
I guess I was wrong.
2038
01:23:57,344 --> 01:24:01,015
It's hard enough for me
to live with a disease
2039
01:24:01,182 --> 01:24:03,434
that's probably going
to kill me
2040
01:24:03,601 --> 01:24:07,313
without knowing
that the woman I love...
2041
01:24:08,647 --> 01:24:10,149
...decided one night,
2042
01:24:10,316 --> 01:24:12,902
instead of staying at home
with her invalid husband,
2043
01:24:13,068 --> 01:24:15,029
she would rather fuck
a comedian.
2044
01:24:17,782 --> 01:24:20,409
I want to say...
2045
01:24:20,576 --> 01:24:22,620
it didn't mean anything...
2046
01:24:24,580 --> 01:24:27,541
...but it meant everything
because it hurt you.
2047
01:24:27,708 --> 01:24:29,460
Yes, it did.
2048
01:24:33,464 --> 01:24:35,508
I know.
2049
01:24:35,674 --> 01:24:38,052
The thing is...
2050
01:24:38,219 --> 01:24:41,680
you can't just take away
one terrible thing you did
2051
01:24:41,847 --> 01:24:44,225
any more than you can take away
2052
01:24:44,391 --> 01:24:47,520
the million beautiful things
that we had together.
2053
01:24:47,686 --> 01:24:49,897
That's a million to one.
2054
01:24:51,315 --> 01:24:54,068
If you can live with that ratio
2055
01:24:54,235 --> 01:24:56,445
for another few years...
2056
01:24:58,405 --> 01:25:00,199
...then so can I.
2057
01:25:04,203 --> 01:25:06,247
♪ ♪
2058
01:25:17,174 --> 01:25:18,843
But I'm not here
as your husband.
2059
01:25:19,009 --> 01:25:21,554
I'm here as a man
who has advised you
2060
01:25:21,720 --> 01:25:23,889
your entire adult life.
2061
01:25:24,974 --> 01:25:26,475
Are you sure that you're making
2062
01:25:26,642 --> 01:25:28,602
the right decision
about the show?
2063
01:25:30,771 --> 01:25:34,483
If it's over in one year
or ten years,
2064
01:25:34,650 --> 01:25:36,485
what's the difference?
2065
01:25:36,652 --> 01:25:38,487
It'll be over.
2066
01:25:38,654 --> 01:25:40,990
And what did I leave behind?
2067
01:25:41,156 --> 01:25:44,201
No... friends or children,
no...
2068
01:25:44,368 --> 01:25:45,578
You didn't want them.
2069
01:25:45,744 --> 01:25:47,371
You wanted excellence,
2070
01:25:47,538 --> 01:25:50,374
which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.
2071
01:25:50,541 --> 01:25:53,502
Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.
2072
01:25:53,669 --> 01:25:56,463
I don't know
what to say to them.
2073
01:25:59,341 --> 01:26:01,886
When the time comes, Katie,
2074
01:26:02,052 --> 01:26:04,096
you'll know.
2075
01:26:52,353 --> 01:26:54,438
Thank you.
2076
01:26:54,605 --> 01:26:56,857
Thank you very much.
2077
01:26:57,024 --> 01:26:58,984
Well...
2078
01:27:00,361 --> 01:27:02,738
What a boring few weeks
it's been.
2079
01:27:02,905 --> 01:27:05,532
Although...
2080
01:27:05,699 --> 01:27:07,326
it's kind of refreshing
2081
01:27:07,493 --> 01:27:09,203
for a woman
to be the perpetrator
2082
01:27:09,370 --> 01:27:12,081
in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?
2083
01:27:14,041 --> 01:27:16,961
I am, of course, referring
to the multiple reports
2084
01:27:17,127 --> 01:27:19,838
that came out this week,
2085
01:27:20,005 --> 01:27:23,926
saying that I had been
unfaithful to my husband
2086
01:27:24,093 --> 01:27:26,887
with one of my writers.
2087
01:27:27,054 --> 01:27:29,264
Spoiler alert:
2088
01:27:29,431 --> 01:27:31,100
It's true.
2089
01:27:41,026 --> 01:27:44,780
I've learned
an interesting term:
2090
01:27:44,947 --> 01:27:47,741
"slut-shaming."
2091
01:27:47,908 --> 01:27:51,578
My supporters have said
that if I were a man,
2092
01:27:51,745 --> 01:27:53,585
I wouldn't be subject
to this kind of scrutiny.
2093
01:27:53,747 --> 01:27:55,374
Well, here's what I think.
2094
01:27:55,541 --> 01:27:57,701
If it were a man doing this,
it would be reprehensible,
2095
01:27:57,751 --> 01:27:59,670
but guess what--
it's a woman doing it,
2096
01:27:59,837 --> 01:28:01,922
and it's still reprehensible.
2097
01:28:02,089 --> 01:28:05,926
And none of this
would even matter
2098
01:28:06,093 --> 01:28:08,262
if I were not so...
2099
01:28:08,429 --> 01:28:13,434
so hard on everyone,
with such high standards
2100
01:28:13,600 --> 01:28:17,980
that I've defined
my career by it.
2101
01:28:19,648 --> 01:28:23,193
Um, the fact of the matter
is that...
2102
01:28:25,404 --> 01:28:26,864
...my husband is my family.
2103
01:28:27,031 --> 01:28:28,866
I...
2104
01:28:29,033 --> 01:28:32,786
have no one else in my life,
so...
2105
01:28:34,997 --> 01:28:36,540
...so when this happened,
2106
01:28:36,707 --> 01:28:38,542
I felt worse
than I have ever felt.
2107
01:28:38,709 --> 01:28:40,854
And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.
2108
01:28:42,004 --> 01:28:43,505
And I thought,
2109
01:28:43,672 --> 01:28:46,383
"I don't deserve
these things anymore.
2110
01:28:46,550 --> 01:28:48,552
Him or the show."
2111
01:28:48,719 --> 01:28:53,515
But it doesn't matter
if I deserve you or not.
2112
01:28:53,682 --> 01:28:55,142
I need you.
2113
01:28:55,309 --> 01:28:57,519
And I've let you down.
2114
01:28:57,686 --> 01:29:00,647
I've taken you for granted
for years,
2115
01:29:00,814 --> 01:29:02,024
underestimating you
2116
01:29:02,191 --> 01:29:04,401
and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.
2117
01:29:05,778 --> 01:29:07,613
But you did.
2118
01:29:07,780 --> 01:29:11,992
And the other thing
I've learned is that this show
2119
01:29:12,159 --> 01:29:14,286
is the source of my energy.
2120
01:29:14,453 --> 01:29:17,331
It's, um, the reason
I get up in the morning.
2121
01:29:17,498 --> 01:29:20,292
It's my life. It's my blood.
2122
01:29:20,459 --> 01:29:24,797
Yes, and entertaining you...
2123
01:29:24,963 --> 01:29:28,217
has been the joy of my life.
2124
01:29:30,427 --> 01:29:32,596
Yeah.
2125
01:29:32,763 --> 01:29:36,391
Dear God, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.
2126
01:30:03,961 --> 01:30:06,130
I hope I'm not interrupting.
2127
01:30:07,339 --> 01:30:09,174
You know,
I got into this business
2128
01:30:09,341 --> 01:30:11,218
because I love television,
2129
01:30:11,385 --> 01:30:13,971
and I want to make
relevant television.
2130
01:30:14,138 --> 01:30:15,889
And I know,
when I say "relevant,"
2131
01:30:16,056 --> 01:30:19,351
you think I mean "pandering" or
"lowest common denominator."
2132
01:30:20,644 --> 01:30:22,312
I've dreamed of this day.
2133
01:30:22,479 --> 01:30:24,541
- Caroline, please, I beg you...
- You've been so abrupt.
2134
01:30:24,565 --> 01:30:27,151
But as I watched you out there,
I realized
2135
01:30:27,317 --> 01:30:30,445
I want to hear your take--
on the world, on everything--
2136
01:30:30,612 --> 01:30:32,197
and so does everyone else.
2137
01:30:32,364 --> 01:30:34,575
So, the show is yours.
2138
01:30:34,741 --> 01:30:36,410
But I'm watching you,
Katherine.
2139
01:30:36,577 --> 01:30:38,328
Just give a damn.
2140
01:30:39,705 --> 01:30:43,167
It's pretty fucking surprising,
isn't it?
2141
01:30:47,254 --> 01:30:48,755
Hey, is this my Thai food?
2142
01:30:48,922 --> 01:30:50,402
I hope you brought
extra peanut sauce.
2143
01:30:50,549 --> 01:30:51,675
I hate when you forget.
2144
01:30:51,842 --> 01:30:53,218
This isn't your Thai food.
2145
01:30:53,385 --> 01:30:54,845
This is Ms. Newbury's driver.
2146
01:30:55,012 --> 01:30:58,390
Ms. Newbury would like you
to come down to the car.
2147
01:30:58,557 --> 01:31:01,351
You can tell her that I don't
want to see her. Thank you.
2148
01:31:02,644 --> 01:31:05,564
She said what?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
2149
01:31:11,778 --> 01:31:14,239
Come on.
2150
01:31:23,957 --> 01:31:26,126
♪ Would you believe me now ♪
2151
01:31:26,293 --> 01:31:28,795
♪ If I told you
I got caught up in a wave? ♪
2152
01:31:28,962 --> 01:31:30,672
Son of a bitch.
2153
01:31:30,839 --> 01:31:32,966
♪ Almost gave it away ♪
2154
01:31:33,133 --> 01:31:36,094
♪ Would you hear me out ♪
2155
01:31:36,261 --> 01:31:39,389
♪ If I told you
I was terrified for days? ♪
2156
01:31:39,556 --> 01:31:41,391
♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪
2157
01:31:41,558 --> 01:31:42,893
Good afternoon, sir.
2158
01:31:43,060 --> 01:31:45,062
♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪
2159
01:31:45,229 --> 01:31:47,439
- ♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪
- Nice.
2160
01:31:47,606 --> 01:31:49,441
♪ With everyone around me ♪
2161
01:31:49,608 --> 01:31:51,360
♪ Saying, "You must be
so happy now" ♪
2162
01:31:51,526 --> 01:31:53,946
Oh, goddamn it.
2163
01:31:54,112 --> 01:31:56,323
♪ Keep reaching out
2164
01:31:56,490 --> 01:31:59,618
♪ Then I'll keep coming back,
and if you're gone for good ♪
2165
01:31:59,785 --> 01:32:01,536
Oh, fucking hell.
2166
01:32:01,703 --> 01:32:04,081
- ♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪
-: Oh, God.
2167
01:32:04,248 --> 01:32:06,750
Molly, open up. It's me.
2168
01:32:06,917 --> 01:32:08,627
No.
2169
01:32:08,794 --> 01:32:10,337
I have just driven
2170
01:32:10,504 --> 01:32:12,589
to this horrid little corner
of Brooklyn
2171
01:32:12,756 --> 01:32:15,175
and climbed up six flights
of stairs to talk to you.
2172
01:32:15,342 --> 01:32:17,511
Now open the bloody door.
2173
01:32:22,140 --> 01:32:25,227
What do you want?
I-I'm very busy right now.
2174
01:32:25,394 --> 01:32:28,397
Why on earth do you live
in Coney Island?
2175
01:32:28,563 --> 01:32:29,731
Huh.
2176
01:32:29,898 --> 01:32:31,692
Maybe it's the Ukrainian
food scene,
2177
01:32:31,858 --> 01:32:34,152
or perhaps it's the endless
subway commute.
2178
01:32:34,319 --> 01:32:36,363
Not all of us can live
in a townhouse
2179
01:32:36,530 --> 01:32:38,949
- on Gramercy Park, Katherine.
- Point taken.
2180
01:32:39,116 --> 01:32:42,244
I heard you got an offer
from Seth Meyers.
2181
01:32:42,411 --> 01:32:45,706
I don't think you should take it.
2182
01:32:45,872 --> 01:32:47,749
Really?
Because I was considering it.
2183
01:32:47,916 --> 01:32:50,085
Mostly because
I don't have a job.
2184
01:32:50,252 --> 01:32:52,963
Also, he didn't call me
a racial quota
2185
01:32:53,130 --> 01:32:55,108
whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him.
2186
01:32:55,132 --> 01:32:56,216
Here.
2187
01:32:56,383 --> 01:32:59,219
- You remember that. Shit.
- Yeah.
2188
01:32:59,386 --> 01:33:01,346
Look, I'm sorry.
2189
01:33:01,513 --> 01:33:03,849
I'm sorry.
2190
01:33:04,016 --> 01:33:06,601
The thing is,
when you hate yourself,
2191
01:33:06,768 --> 01:33:08,854
the only thing
that makes you feel better
2192
01:33:09,021 --> 01:33:12,232
is to get other people to feel
the same way as you do.
2193
01:33:12,399 --> 01:33:13,859
Is this filtered?
2194
01:33:17,112 --> 01:33:19,823
I didn't mean what I said.
2195
01:33:21,575 --> 01:33:23,410
Thank you...
2196
01:33:23,577 --> 01:33:25,412
for saying that...
2197
01:33:25,579 --> 01:33:27,414
and for coming here.
2198
01:33:27,581 --> 01:33:29,708
- Do you like the color of my wall?
- No.
2199
01:33:29,875 --> 01:33:32,252
You know what, I'm not gonna
go back and work for you,
2200
01:33:32,419 --> 01:33:34,546
because that was a very toxic
work environment.
2201
01:33:40,677 --> 01:33:42,637
I need you, Molly.
2202
01:33:44,097 --> 01:33:46,641
I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.
2203
01:33:46,808 --> 01:33:48,602
I need the annoying way
you light up
2204
01:33:48,769 --> 01:33:50,103
every time I walk
into the room.
2205
01:33:50,270 --> 01:33:52,522
It makes me feel
like I'm not a fraud.
2206
01:33:52,689 --> 01:33:54,691
But mostly, I need your talent.
2207
01:33:56,276 --> 01:33:57,986
You love me.
2208
01:33:58,153 --> 01:33:59,863
No, I didn't say that.
I... No.
2209
01:34:00,030 --> 01:34:01,510
I mean, not in those words,
but you...
2210
01:34:01,656 --> 01:34:03,217
No, I didn't say it
in any of those words.
2211
01:34:03,241 --> 01:34:05,118
But you have made
an impression on me.
2212
01:34:05,285 --> 01:34:06,328
A very big impression.
2213
01:34:06,495 --> 01:34:07,496
Please, Molly, come back.
2214
01:34:07,662 --> 01:34:09,122
It won't be the show you left,
2215
01:34:09,289 --> 01:34:12,209
but I need you
to help me change it.
2216
01:34:15,170 --> 01:34:17,381
- If I do...
- Hmm?
2217
01:34:17,547 --> 01:34:18,882
No more tantrums.
2218
01:34:19,049 --> 01:34:20,342
- Mm.
- No more hiring people
2219
01:34:20,509 --> 01:34:22,094
- who all look the same.
- Okay.
2220
01:34:22,260 --> 01:34:23,553
No humiliating people.
2221
01:34:23,720 --> 01:34:25,180
And no withering looks.
2222
01:34:26,181 --> 01:34:28,016
- Like that one.
- That's my face.
2223
01:34:28,183 --> 01:34:29,226
Can you try smiling?
2224
01:34:30,894 --> 01:34:32,121
Okay, forget it, forget it.
2225
01:34:32,145 --> 01:34:33,522
Okay. Yes.
2226
01:34:33,688 --> 01:34:34,689
Oh, yes?
2227
01:34:34,856 --> 01:34:37,025
Well, good.
2228
01:34:37,192 --> 01:34:39,486
Well, I guess I better go
if I want to get
2229
01:34:39,653 --> 01:34:41,738
to the bottom
of the stairs this century.
2230
01:34:41,905 --> 01:34:43,448
Thank you. All right.
2231
01:34:47,035 --> 01:34:49,162
God, I hate Brooklyn.
2232
01:34:52,541 --> 01:34:53,625
♪ Everybody got a nine ♪
2233
01:34:53,792 --> 01:34:55,627
♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪
2234
01:34:55,794 --> 01:34:57,963
♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪
2235
01:34:58,130 --> 01:34:59,650
♪ Everybody,
drink your champagne now ♪
2236
01:34:59,756 --> 01:35:01,216
♪ Everybody is the shit ♪
2237
01:35:01,383 --> 01:35:03,009
♪ Everybody is
the big thing now ♪
2238
01:35:03,176 --> 01:35:04,761
♪ Everybody is the boss ♪
2239
01:35:04,928 --> 01:35:06,721
♪ Everybody rocking
gold chains now ♪
2240
01:35:06,888 --> 01:35:09,808
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work,
ain't nobody wanna open up ♪
2241
01:35:09,975 --> 01:35:12,102
- Thank you.
- ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪
2242
01:35:12,269 --> 01:35:13,854
♪ Ain't nobody wanna
wrap shit up ♪
2243
01:35:14,020 --> 01:35:15,945
- ♪ in't nobody wanna fail ♪
- Hey. -Hi.
2244
01:35:16,106 --> 01:35:17,899
♪ Ain't nobody
do it real these days ♪
2245
01:35:18,066 --> 01:35:19,484
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪
2246
01:35:19,651 --> 01:35:21,611
♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪
2247
01:35:21,778 --> 01:35:25,198
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2248
01:35:25,365 --> 01:35:28,577
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2249
01:35:28,743 --> 01:35:32,038
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2250
01:35:32,205 --> 01:35:35,750
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2251
01:35:35,917 --> 01:35:37,419
Okay.
2252
01:35:37,586 --> 01:35:39,963
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2253
01:35:40,130 --> 01:35:43,383
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2254
01:35:43,550 --> 01:35:47,179
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2255
01:35:47,345 --> 01:35:50,891
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2256
01:35:51,057 --> 01:35:53,393
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪
2257
01:35:54,603 --> 01:35:56,980
♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪
2258
01:35:58,398 --> 01:36:00,775
♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪
2259
01:36:02,152 --> 01:36:04,154
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪
2260
01:36:06,698 --> 01:36:09,284
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2261
01:36:09,451 --> 01:36:13,121
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2262
01:36:13,288 --> 01:36:18,210
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪
2263
01:36:19,794 --> 01:36:21,338
Katherine Newbury.167998
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.