All language subtitles for 21 - Woody Gets an Election

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, holy moly,
guacamole, Normie. Hey, what?

Huh?

See that guy down there?

I think that might
be Spanky McFarland

from the old Little Rascals.

Get out.
Yeah, I think so.

Really?
Hey, I'll go ask him.

I'll go check it out.

(humming
The Little Rascals theme)

Hey, how are you doing, Sid?

Hi.
Hey, uh, my name's Cliff Clavin.

Hello, Cliff.

You know, I-I know
you've probably heard this

a thousand times before,

but you do resemble
that, uh, child actor

Spanky McFarland
from The Little Rascals.

Well, that's
because... 'Cause I'm one of

Little Rascals fan
there ever was.

I mean I've got every episode
on tape, you know.

Well, except "Free Eats" and,
uh, "Captain Spanky's Showboat."

That's great.

Yeah, Alfalfa,
Darla, Buckwheat.

(chuckles)

Hey, I got to confess,

I had quite a big crush
on Darla.

I'll tell you, you know,

if you were Spanky,
boy, I could sit here

and chew on your ear for hours,

you know, about the, you know,
"Happy Birthday, Mr. Hood"

and the "He-Man
Women Haters Club."

And remember the sound the cake
made coming out of the oven?

Was it...
(makes groaning noise)

Huh?

So, uh, are-are you Spanky?

Nope.

Ah.

Take care.

Catch you later.

You are Spanky, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

(theme song begins)

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Oh, no. Who's
this guy?

Huh? Oh.

Well, that's, uh, Mr. Kevin
Fogerty, our city councilman.

He's been there for
three consecutive terms.

Running for re-election now;
Nobody dares run against him.

He's also very, very rude
to, uh, voters

who call with perfectly normal
and good suggestions.

(camera clicks)

Okay, Mr. Clavin,
remember the rules:

You have to keep
at least 50 feet

from Mr. Fogerty
at all times.

Yeah.

All right, just to be safe,

I'd better go back
in the pool room.

I remember Fogerty.
Hmm?

He was here a couple of years
ago trying to get our votes.

NORM:
Oh, yeah.

He bought me a beer.

Did you vote for him?

He bought me a beer.

Something has to be done,
and the time is now.

There he goes, spouting a bunch
of meaningless platitudes.

Sure enough, the people are
lapping it up like milk.

Oh, the mentality of the voter
in this country fascinates me.

Someday, I ought to
do a paper about it.

What's-what's your problem
with Fogerty?

He's not a bad guy.

Oh. All
right, Sam.

Why don't you ask
him a question?

I'll bet you ten bucks
all he gives you

is some meaningless
politician's rhetoric.

Yeah, all right.

Come on.

You're on.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Fogerty, sir.

Could I, uh, speak
to you for a second? Mm-hmm.

I'm Sam Malone; I'm
the owner of the bar.

And, uh, got a
question for you.

I'm a small businessman, and
I was just wondering, uh,

when is this economy
going to turn around?

I'm glad you asked that.

I say now is the time
to roll up our shirtsleeves

and get to the bottom of this.

The only way we're
going to defeat this thing

is if we all do it together.

I think you owe me ten bucks.

Hi.

Kevin Fogerty, City Council.

Kevin Fogerty, City Council.

I hope I have your vote
on election day.

And why, exactly, should I
vote for you, Mr. Fogerty?

Well, because I'm a hard worker.

I take a stand.

On what exactly?

The issues of the day.

Which are?

The things that concern
you and your family the most.

I think you're making
an ass out of yourself.

I am not!

I simply want the councilman
to say one concrete thing.

Yes, I understand.

You don't trust me.

A lot of people
don't trust politicians.

I know how it is.

I have been out there.

But what does that
have to do with...

May I finish, please?

Maybe we need someone to blame.

Maybe if we pick some
faceless person at city hall

to be responsible
for all our problems,

then we won't have to accept
any responsibility at all.

Well, people,
I say now is the time

to start looking in the mirror.

Because if this thing
is going to work,

we are all going to have
to make it work...

the way a bunch of people

made something work
at Lexington and Concord.

You may remember it;
It's called... America!

Yes! Bravo!

(cheering, applause)

But he didn't say anything!

Thank you, people,
for proving my point.

The voters of Boston are sheep!

Oh, I thought that was
just a Hanover thing.

Look, all I'm saying is
that when it comes to voting,

people just
shut off their brains.

I submit we could put
a chimpanzee on the ballot

and garner ten percent
of the vote.

(chuckles):
Whoa.

Two Hanover things in one day?

You're exaggerating
a little bit, aren't you?

No, no, Sam, I'm not.

Look, you know what?
I'll go you one better.

I'll bet we could
put Woody on the ballot

and get ten percent
of the vote.

Yeah, all right,
I'll take ten dollars of that.

All right, you're on.

You know, come to think of it,

this would make a fascinating
study of voter psychology.

I submit, if we just put
Woody's name on the ballot,

circulate a few posters
of his attractive smiling face

over some meaningless slogan,

come election day, we'll get
ten percent of the vote!

(people groaning) Come on, man.

FRASIER:
Oh, oh, okay!

I'll prove it to all of you.

I'll start the process
of getting his name

on the ballot
this very afternoon.

WOODY:
Oh, I-I don't know, Dr. Crane.

I'm not so sure I want to
get mixed up in all this.

Mixed up in what, Woody?

Well, Dr. Crane wants me
to run for City Council.

Oh, Woody,
that's a wonderful idea.

It is?

I'd be so proud
if you were a politician.

Uh, Kelly, I-I-I'm not gonna
get mixed up in politics.

Uh, you live your
life in a fishbowl.

Everybody hates you.

The press is always
criticizing you.

There's no way I'm running
for public office.

All right, Mr. Stubborn.

From now on,
you can dance naked

in front of the lava lamp
all by your lonesome.

Well, maybe just one term.

Well, step one of my plan
is complete.

Woody Boyd is now on the ballot
for City Council.

I'll be damned.
How'd you do that?

Well, it was really
no trouble at all.

I simply stood out in front of
a supermarket with a petition.

When people asked me
who I was supporting, I said,

"Woody Boyd, the man who stands
for the American way."

Well, the sheep couldn't sign
their names fast enough.

I also put up about, uh,
300 of these guys here.

300- you think that's
going to be enough?

Well, there's no need
to go crazy.

I only need to get ten percent
of the eligible vote.

CLIFF:
Well, in that case,

why don't you just put them up

on Carla's headboard?

Oh...

Clavin, Clavin, Clavin.

When are you going to learn?

See, now I have to retaliate.

No, you don't have to, Carla.

You know, we-we could just,
uh, don't even say anything,

you just forget
all about it, huh?

I can't forget;
You know that.

All right.

Well, uh, just get it
over with fast, then, will you?

(chuckles)

Yeah, all right.
Thank you.

No, that's for even asking.

You can't hurry an artist.

(laughing)

Woody Boyd?

Uh, right here.

Holly Matheson.
Boston Herald.

I understand you're
running for City Council.

Yes, ma'am.

You mind if I ask you
a few questions?

Oh, I guess that would be okay.

(scoffs)

Here's where your great
experiment hits the wall, pal.

Well, maybe, maybe not.

It's all part
of the experiment.

Let's start with
our police force.

Morale is at
an all-time low.

Officers are
underpaid and overworked.

What do you plan to do?

Well, I don't know much
about big city stuff.

I was raised on a farm.

Oh, I get it.

This is your hook.

You're the innocent farm boy
telling the big city slickers

to clean up the barn
and all that farm crap.

Well, no, it's not crap.

If you don't clean up
the barn, you get rats.

Yes, yes.

So in other words, it's time
to clean up city hall.

Well, I'm just saying that,
uh, if you let the rats go,

then, uh, you know, pretty
soon you don't have a barn.

You just have kind of a...

a rat place.

Okay.

So if we don't do something now,
we'll lose our fair city.

Blah, blah, blah.

You know, my
Grandpa Boyd caught

a rat the size of a pig.

Or was it a pig
the size of a rat?

Well, either way,

it was a big hit
at the county fair.

So what you're saying is,

there are no easy answers.

Well, not for me, there aren't.

You really believe
this farm stuff, don't you?

With all my heart.

Well, it's kind of
a cornball message,

but you just might be the kind
of guy who can sell that stuff.

Oh, thanks, ma'am.

Woody, that was
absolutely brilliant.

(scoffs):
Some reporter.

She didn't even want to
ask me about politics.

Oh, listen to this.

"The race in District Three
is the one to watch

"between incumbent
Kevin Fogerty

"and his idealistic
young challenger Woody Boyd.

"Even this cynical reporter
was impressed

by Boyd's simple,
straightforward approach."

(laughs)

Well...

according to the latest poll,

candidate Boyd now
stands at eight percent.

Now, do I need to go
for the two remaining percent,

or have I proved my point?

You have proved your point.

You win.
(laughs)

Very well.

Thank you very much.

Guess I can put an end
to this farce.

I'll take the posters
down tomorrow.

Hey, hey, turn on the news.

Fogerty just got arrested
for public drunkenness.

You're kidding.
(turns on TV)

Good God.

This will be a major scandal.

You know, this could
really rock his campaign.

I bet the person who's running
against him is pretty happy.

REPORTER:
...Councilman Fogerty's ratings

in the polls...

and newcomer Boyd
appears to be poised...

Yeah, I bet if we just printed
up a few more posters...

Yeah, and maybe, uh, did some
door-to-door canvassing...

CARLA:
Yeah, and made some personal appearances...

We're going for it!

(cheering)

Whoo!

Going for what?

I missed a step.

Hi. I'd like to tell you
about candidate Woody Boyd.

He's challenging the status quo,

and he's listening to the voters
for a change.

And while I have you
on the phone,

could I get two large pizzas
with everything?

So, uh, you don't plan
to vote for Woody Boyd?

Uh-huh. Now, according
to the phone book,

your address is 151 Richmond?

Do your children like
to run and play?

No, it's Boyd. B-O-Y-D.

Mm-hmm. Well,
he's destined for greatness.

He's one of the sharpest
young political minds

to come along
in quite a long time.

He's absolutely brilliant.

Me?

Well, I am, um...

I'm 26.

You're not 26!

If Woody can be brilliant,
I can be 26.

Wow. I've never seen
all you guys work so hard.

Yeah, well...
Paul, you see,

most of us guys who hang
around here day in, day out,

we frankly don't have much
going for ourselves, and...

Woody here has a shot at...

actually making the big time.

It's like he...
he stands for all of us losers.

Even me?

Especially you, Paul.

Wow.

Uh, everyone, I'd, uh,
like your attention, please.

As you know, it's just...

48 hours until
the big election day,

and I've been charting
our progress up until now,

and I'd like to say
with all confidence that I'm gonna win!

We're gonna win!

Woody Boyd is gonna be the next city
councilman of this fair district!

(cheering, whooping)

Gosh, Dr. Crane...
Not now, Woody, I'm talking.

Now, listen, I know
we're not in the lead,

but I can smell victory!

Now, I just want you all
to keep up the heat.

Let's not stop until we
reach the victory party!

(cheering, whooping)

Well, Carla,
I see you retaliated.

Yeah, it turns out, uh,

she slipped me a Mickey, so
I'd fall asleep in the pool room.

As it turns out,
I woke up to find

that she had tied
my shoelaces together.

Fortunately, I noticed it
before I took my first step.

Good try, Carla.

Better luck next time.

Excuse me, I have
to go do my route now.

Excuse me.

Kevin Fogerty, City Council.

I just wanted you to know

that I have always
supported you people.

Too little, too late, Fogerty.

Woody Boyd.

Hi, Mr. Fogerty.

So you're the young man
everyone is talking about.

Well, it's nice to finally
meet you in person.

You know, you remind me
of a bright, young comer

that took this town
by storm 30 years ago.

His name was Kevin Fogerty.

Any relation?

(chuckles):
Ah!

Boy, I'm looking forward
to our debate tomorrow.

Debate?

Of course-
on Channel Six.

It's a tradition whenever
there's a challenger.

I think the voters
deserve to hear

our stands on
the issues, don't you?

Oh, yes, of course we do.

And we'll be there, sir.
Good!

I'm really looking forward
to hearing your opinions.

I don't know if I can handle
a debate, Dr. Crane.

I'm not very good at
rendering my opinions.

Nothing to worry about, Woody.

Just tell some more of those farm
stories- people seem to love those.

If that doesn't work, just say the
word "change" about a hundred times.

Come on, let's go
to my place and work on it.

Trust me, Woody, with
my brains and your smile,

who knows how high we can go.

Congressman, senator...

(breathily):
Who knows?

(band playing
"Hail to the Chief")

(band continues playing)

(song ends)

Would you please
raise your right hand

and repeat after me.

I, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd,

do solemnly swear...

I, Woodrow Tiberius Boyd,
do solemnly swear...

that I will faithfully execute

the office of the President
of the United States

and will, to the
best of my ability,

preserve, protect and defend

the Constitution of
the United States.

That I will faithfully...

faithfully...

Execute.

Execute...

The.
...the...

Office.
...office...

Of.
...of...

The.
...the...

President of the
United States. Oh, I-I got that.

The President
of the United States...

And will, to the
best of my ability,

preserve and protect and defend

the Constitution of
the United States.

Oh, boy.

And.
...and...

Will.
...will...

Protect.
...protect...

WOODY:
Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm calling your bluff.

I'm firing my missiles, too-
all of 'em!

Who was that, Woody?

(deep rumbling)

How the hell should I know?

The phone rings, I answer it.

(booming explosion)

(screaming)

Woody! Thank God
I got to you in time!

I've got to talk...

What are you reading?

Well, I'm boning up
on the Constitution

in case I ever decide
to run for Congreff.

It's Congress, Woody.

In colonial times,
the S's looked like F's.

Oh. Well, if I'm elected,

that's the first thing
I'm gonna change.

Yes. Woody, I'm sorry.

There's one thing
I've got to tell you.

Listen, you have got
to withdraw from the election.

What do you mean, Dr. Crane?

Well, aside from the nagging
feeling that your election

might actually mean
the extinction of all life as we know it,

you're just not a politician.

Yeah, but you said
it would be easy.

In fact, you said not being
a politician was my hook.

I know, Woody, I'm sorry.

Listen, I-I shouldn't
have led you on.

I guess I was just drawn in
by the promise of power.

Oh, but, Dr. Crane...

No, no "but, Dr. Cranes"-
now, Woody, just listen to me.

Listen, the right to vote is...

it's far too sacred
to cheapen by some...

some vain psychological
experiment.

I mean, your
winning an election

without knowing anything
at all about politics...

it would just make
a mockery of the entire democratic process.

Woody, you have to withdraw.

Well, there's no sense in
arguing with you, Dr. Crane.

I mean, next to Mr. Clavin,
you're the smartest guy I know.

But what about the debate?

They're expecting me
to go over there.

Woody, you'll just
have to make a...

a simple speech
and gracefully bow out.

Oh. Well, I guess you're
right, Dr. Crane.

Gotta do what I gotta do.

It's too bad, though.

I was really looking forward
to being a good city councilman

and working hard
to make sure that...

every person in my district
was ensured...

life, liberty...

and the purfuit of happineff.

MODERATOR (on TV): Welcome to the District
Three City Council candidates debate.

To my immediate right is
Councilman Kevin Fogerty.

(booing, jeering)

To his right is
the Challenger, Woodrow Boyd.

(cheering, whistling)

Before we begin the questions,

each candidate will make
a brief opening statement.

Mr. Boyd.

Well... this is the hardest
thing I've ever had to do.

As much as I've enjoyed
getting to know you all, I-I...

I have to bow out of the race.

(others murmuring)
SAM: What the hell's

Fact is, I'm really
not much of a politician.

In fact, I really don't
know much about anything.

I-I... I don't know,
I just... I just wanted to...

(crying): thought it'd be nice to be a...
city councilman.

I mean...

I'd do a good job, too,
I promise!

(sniffling):
How bad could I screw up?

I mean, it's not like a
councilman could declare war or anything!

I-I couldn't, could I?

It's just one vote!

I mean, would it kill you
to vote for me?

KELLY:
Oh, don't cry, Woody!

Oh, well, this is...
this is my wife Kelly,

and she deserves better
than just a simple bartender.

Oh, it's all right.

I love you, Woody.

WOODY:
I love you, too, Kelly.

In fact, we both love you.

Both?

Yes.

This probably isn't the ideal
time to tell you, but...

you're gonna be a daddy.

WOODY:
I'm gonna be...

(laughs):
I'm gonna...

Did you hear that, everybody?
I'm gonna be a daddy!

(laughing)

I'm gonna be a daddy!

TV ANNOUNCER: WATW is now projecting
a winner in District Three.

Challenger Woody Boyd has
been elected to City Council.

(cheering)

CLIFF:
All right, way to go, Woody!

I am so proud of you!

Hey, hey, huh?
Good luck, all right?

Don't forget that
little talk we had

about extending
unemployment benefits.

Consider it done,
Mr. Peterson.

Oh, hey, Dr. Crane.

Listen, uh...

I just wanted
to thank you, you know?

Uh, without you,
I couldn't have done this.

In fact, you're
directly responsible.

No one can prove that.

I know you don't have a lot
of faith in me, Dr. Crane,

but I'm gonna
prove you're wrong.

I'm gonna study hard
on all the issues,

and I'm gonna be
a great city councilman,

and maybe this is just the first
rung on a very long ladder,

and you're the man
who made it happen.

(booming explosion)