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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,080 (WHEEL CLICKS) 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,480 - Hello. 3 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,240 - Hey. 4 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:05,880 - Two. 5 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:06,960 - (GRUNTS) 6 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,320 (KEYS CLACK) 7 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:09,040 - Come on! 8 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:09,600 - (GRUNTS) 9 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,360 - (WHOOPS) 10 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:12,360 (KEYS CLACK) 11 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,520 - That's for the haters. 12 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,160 - (GRUNTS) 13 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,760 - Clink, clink. 14 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:17,920 - Chicken Little. - Cheep. 15 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,080 - (IMITATES GUNFIRE) 16 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:19,840 (KEYS CLACK) 17 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:20,360 Oh! 18 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:20,920 - (SHOUTS) 19 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:21,680 - Yaargh! 20 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,680 - He he he he! 21 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,480 (CLUNK!) 22 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,640 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 23 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,880 (DING!) 24 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,680 - E te Ti, e te Ta. 25 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:44,440 Nau mai, haere mai. Welcome to season five of Taskmaster New Zealand. 26 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,920 Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another 10 episodes of mayhem. 27 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,720 And by 'we', I mean me. (LAUGHTER) 28 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,720 Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination 29 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:04,240 as five New Zealand comedians with non-overlapping audiences compete in what can only be described as 30 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,040 a dog show for humans. (LAUGHTER) 31 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:12,000 But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for, 32 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,680 let's be honest, less money than you might think? (LAUGHTER) 33 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,080 Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this. 34 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,120 - AUDIENCE: Ooh! 35 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:28,200 - The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold. (LAUGHTER) 36 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,720 Let's meet the five brave comedians. 37 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,240 They are Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 38 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,720 ...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 39 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,760 ...Hayley Sproull... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 40 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,480 ...and Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 41 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:50,320 Now, unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofiga Fepulea'i, can't be with us here in the studio, 42 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:56,560 do this season, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites stepping up to defend his honour. 43 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:01,360 So please welcome for episode one, Madeleine Sami. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 44 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,360 - (MOUTHS) 45 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,120 - And you know how the saying goes ― 46 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:12,360 beside every great man in a big chair is another smaller man in a less impressive chair. 47 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:19,760 And for me, that other smaller man is non other than Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 48 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,520 - It's so good to be back, Jeremy, and I've actually got you an opening night gift. 49 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,600 - (GASPS) - It's a finger painting from my nephew. 50 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,920 (LAUGHTER) - Oh, wow. 51 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,400 - He's incredibly talented. (LAUGHTER) 52 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,720 - Someone can grab that later on maybe. 53 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,320 - Oh-ho-ho. - Deal with that a little bit later on. 54 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,920 So, what are we gonna start with ― the prize task? 55 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:52,800 - So, tonight, we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup. (LAUGHTER) 56 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:57,840 And the winner of tonight's episode will get to take home all five terrible cups. 57 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,800 - All right. We're gonna start with Abby. - Hello. 58 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:00,560 - Abby... - Hello, Jeremy. 59 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,680 - ...what is your terrible cup that you've brought in? 60 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,720 - Um, first of all, it doesn't function as a cup; it's got a lot of holes in it. (CHUCKLES) 61 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:12,400 But also it says 'I exclusively drink piss'. (LAUGHTER) 62 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,160 - MADELEINE: Wow. - So, you know, it's bad functionally, 63 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,000 but it also maybe starts a conversation you don't wanna start. (LAUGHTER) 64 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,400 - So, let's just say that I... 65 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,400 do drink piss... - Yes. 66 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:31,160 - ...and I don't mind letting people know about it. - (LAUGHS) 67 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,800 - I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this? 68 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:38,320 - Well, also, the handle looks like an anus. (LAUGHTER) 69 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,440 - I think if you did like drinking piss, the holes might actually be a positive, because it would... 70 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:46,920 - HAYLEY: You get more. - ...also replicate kind of... 71 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,920 - Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere? Cos you should get that looked at. 72 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,440 - There's three solid... - Right. - Yeah. 73 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,680 - Well... Ben, I don't know how you're gonna come back from this, to be honest. 74 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,240 - No, no. I don't wanna take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma, 75 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,640 cos this is the 2019 Cricket World Cup... 76 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,360 - Oh. - TOM: Ohhh. 77 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:10,720 - ...which, of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances. 78 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:16,040 And cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever, so this is easily the worst cup. 79 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,480 - Yeah, OK. I actually... - Yep. 80 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:21,520 - I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me, that super over. 81 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,520 That's one of the worst moments of my life. - What happened? 82 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,600 - Don't ask, Abby. He'll just keep talking about it. - You don't wanna know what... 83 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,200 - Did someone die? Did a man die? (LAUGHTER) 84 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,520 - Like... Like a part of all of us died. 85 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,200 - Right. - Yeah. 86 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,240 - Hayley. - Mm. Jeremy, I'd like― 87 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,560 Well, actually, all of us, I'd like to cast our minds back to the wonderful year that was2020, 88 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,360 and we'd just been thrown into lockdown. 89 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:49,200 So, I made my partner, Aaron, a little tray for his trinkets, which I thought was quite cute. 90 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,880 And he made me this, which is, um... (LAUGHTER) 91 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,880 - TOM: Ohh. 92 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,160 - OK. So, your fiance has lovingly made you this thing. - Yes. 93 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,360 - And then you've brought it on national television and absolutely humiliated him. 94 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:07,560 - Yeah, in the hopes that I don't win today and it's no longer on display... 95 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,000 - Gotcha. - ...in my kitchen, pride of place. - Smart. 96 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,840 Madeleine... - Yeah. - ...what have you brought in? 97 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:15,840 - Just put it up on screen, actually. Yep. - Wowzers. 98 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:20,720 - That's a gun cup. It's my friend's cup. It's just awful. Um... 99 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,600 They got it in Vegas, cos they went to a gun range, and that was the merch on offer. 100 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,640 - Although, you're thinking now, aren't you, with what's been offered so far, 101 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,960 that that gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it? - TOM: Yeah. 102 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,800 - You could get so much piss in there, no problem. (LAUGHTER) 103 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,480 - Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in? 104 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:43,240 - Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure, but I wanna get a movement against the style of cup. 105 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,240 And here's― here it is. 106 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,280 You might notice something missing here. 107 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,480 The amount of times I've been, 'Here you go. Here's your green tea.' 108 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,000 Hassah, hassah, hassah, hassah! And having to hold it like that. 109 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,160 So I'm railing against a style of cup. (APPLAUSE) 110 00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,880 Thank... - Wow. - Thank you! 111 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,360 I've got the audience on side. 112 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,000 - How am I gonna judge this? 113 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:09,360 I personally love the Cricket World Cup, so I'm gonna give Ben one point there. 114 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,360 - Oh, come on. - Ohh. 115 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,320 - Madeleine, two points, cos that's also quite a cool cup. - It's quite cool, eh? 116 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,840 - HAYLEY: It's a good cup. It is a good cup. - So you're gonna get two. 117 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,520 - Sorry, Tofiga. Sorry, Tofiga. 118 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,000 - Tom gets three. - Yes. Middle. 119 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,080 - And then, whew... I will go four points for Hayley. - I'll take that. 120 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:30,120 - Five points for Abby. - Oh, thank you. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 121 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,880 - All right. Let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul? - For sure, Jeremy. 122 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:40,960 And I think you'll like this one, because it's a little bit sensual. - Hmm. 123 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,120 (QUIRKY MUSIC) 124 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960 - Hello. - Hello, Abby. 125 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,200 Hello, Hayley. 126 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,200 - Eyyy. - Hello, Tofiga. - Hey, Paul. 127 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,360 - WHISPERS: Hi. - Hello, Tom. 128 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,480 - The senses. 129 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,480 READS: 'Choose three of your five senses to lose for the next task.' 130 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,880 - 'And place them in the bin.' 131 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,160 - Get rid of three. - Yes, please. 132 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,760 - Those are the three I'm going to get rid of. 133 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,920 - You're keeping touch and hearing. 134 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:18,320 - I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight. 135 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,520 - I wanna see, and I wanna feel. 136 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,920 - Paul, tonight, I'm going with eyes and smell. 137 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,000 - I'm gonna lose that one. 138 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:32,560 - OK. You're happy with that? - I'm gonna be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it. 139 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,560 - Thank you, sir. 140 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,600 - READS: 'Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.' 141 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,120 - 'Fastest wins.' 142 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,400 - 'Your time starts when the phone rings.' 143 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,960 - Attach my sense blockers. - Yes. We'll... We'll bring those. 144 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960 - OK. - Yeah. 145 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,080 (APPLAUSE) 146 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:57,240 - I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul, you've got lined up for theseguys. 147 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,240 Let's see what happens. 148 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:04,600 - First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third... 149 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,960 alphabetically. It's Abby, Ben and Hayley. 150 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,560 - READS: Your time starts when the phone rings. 151 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:14,640 - We'll get your sense blockers now. - Excellent. 152 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,760 (LAUGHTER) 153 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,000 - Can you hear me? 154 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,000 - Can I hear you? No. 155 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080 (VELCRO RIPS) 156 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,120 - Oh no. (CHUCKLES) 157 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,920 - I guess I don't know when the phone rings, cos I can't hear anything. 158 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,920 (PHONE RINGS) 159 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,160 - I don't know what to do. 160 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,800 - Did you give me instructions? (PHONE RINGS) 161 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,880 - They're on the phone. - Oh, they're on the phone? - Yeah. 162 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,400 - It's an issue, isn't it? Can't hear the phone. 163 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,640 - Where's the phone? 164 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:44,400 (PHONE RINGS) 165 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,400 - There's these phones. 166 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,080 Uh... 167 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,920 Why did I choose smell? 168 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,720 - Is it on you? - Yes. (PHONE RINGS) 169 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,280 - Oh, here. 170 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,160 - Do you have a phone in your pocket? - Yes. 171 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,160 - Can I see it? 172 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,880 Answer. 173 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:05,240 - DISTORTED: Take a mug of almond milk and serve it to the mannequin in the field. 174 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,040 - I can't hear it. You're gonna have to describe for me what they're saying. 175 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,640 - Uh, hi. I can't hear you. Can you text me? 176 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:16,160 - I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text. 177 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,480 - Pick up. 178 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,680 Take. 179 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,040 Cup. 180 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,040 Mug. Take a mug... 181 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,240 of... 182 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,560 - READS: 'Take a mug of almond milk...' 183 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:28,400 - '...and serve it to the mannequin in the field.' 184 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,400 - 'Then ring the bell.' 185 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,840 - What is that? Mannequin. 186 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:36,120 Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin. 187 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,000 And s... ring the bell! 188 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,080 - OK. A mug of almond milk. 189 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,600 - (LAUGHS) 190 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,640 - I can't taste any of them. - No. 191 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,640 - Maybe. 192 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:49,640 Maybe. 193 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,440 - I think out. 194 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,960 Out. 195 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,880 - What does almond milk feel like? 196 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:55,800 - Too creamy. 197 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,520 - Maybe this one. 198 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,920 - I think it's this. 199 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,760 - (EXHALES DEEPLY) OK. That's that. 200 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,160 - All right. I'm going to the field. 201 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,160 - OK. Here we go. 202 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,480 Oh, bloomin' heck. 203 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,360 (CHUCKLES) Oh no. Mother of pearl. 204 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,240 - Where's the mannequin? 205 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,680 - Yes! 206 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,880 All right, off we go to the field, Paul. 207 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,480 The mannequin! 208 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,480 Aargh! 209 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:24,760 - (GASPS) 210 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:25,920 Oh gosh. 211 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,440 - Milady. 212 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,520 - Milady. (BELL TINKLES) 213 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,720 (BELL TINKLES) 214 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,520 (BELL TINKLES) 215 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:34,880 - Stop the clock. 216 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:35,840 - Is that it? 217 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,120 - I've stopped the clock. 218 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,000 - I can't hear you, sorry. 219 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,680 - Act it out. 220 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,080 Stop. You stopped the clock. 221 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,200 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 222 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,760 - Fascinating. Ben, what does almond milk feel like? 223 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,160 - Mm, it's an excellent question, uh, Jeremy. 224 00:10:55,160 --> 00:11:00,240 I'm not that familiar with the nut milks, so I had to just kind of guess. 225 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,960 It's kind of watery... - Yeah. - ...I guess. Yeah. 226 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:08,120 - I, like― I don't drink cow milk, and I was like, I've got this with the... that technique. 227 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,200 - Did I detect, Abby, that at one stage, you were trying to smell which phone was ringing? 228 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,160 (LAUGHTER) - Yeah. 229 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:19,400 I was like, I got smell. I gotta learn― I gotta learn to rely on this. 230 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:23,880 But then I didn't use smell for the milks. - LAUGHS: No! 231 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,640 What about the times? 232 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,960 - Ben ― seven minutes exactly. - Wow. - Wow. 233 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,600 - Yes, very speedy. - We don't know if that's good. 234 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,880 - We don't know. - Calm down. 235 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,080 - Abby ― 13 minutes and 13 seconds. - OK. 236 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,480 - Hayley ― 10 minutes and 16 seconds. - OK. 237 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,480 - However... - Oh. 238 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,240 - ...she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong. 239 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:51,360 The mannequin wanted almond milk. She took some floury water. 240 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,920 - Did I? I was so convinced. (LAUGHTER) 241 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,960 - Did I get the milk correct? - Correct milk. 242 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,480 - Whoa! - I got that just on vibe. (LAUGHTER) 243 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,280 - BEN: It's so true. - I vibed the correct milk. 244 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:05,880 Wow. 245 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:11,200 - OK. And now the moment we've all been waiting for ― season five's very first ad break. 246 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,080 We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this. 247 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,160 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 248 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,280 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 249 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,320 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 250 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,040 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 251 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:30,800 - Kia ora koutou ano. Welcome back to the season five premiere of Taskmaster. 252 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:31,920 Where are we, Paul? 253 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:36,720 - Up next ― the two comedians I would rank last and second-to-last... 254 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,480 personality-wise. - HAYLEY: Wow. (LAUGHTER) 255 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,480 - It's Tofiga and Tom. 256 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,040 (LAUGHTER) 257 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,840 - Hey. 258 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,600 - READS: Time will start when the phone rings. 259 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,720 Oh no. 260 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,720 (PHONE RINGS) 261 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,440 Where's the phone? 262 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,040 - Oh, there we go. (PHONE RINGS) 263 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,600 Hello? 264 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,600 - My instructions start when the phone rings. 265 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:09,960 - Got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin. So gonna have to go up to the kitchen. 266 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,240 (PHONE RINGS) 267 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,240 - Hello, darling. 268 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,160 (BELL TINKLES) 269 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,320 - I've stopped the clock. - (LAUGHS) Oh shit. 270 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:28,320 Almond milk. Am I finding almond milk? - I've stopped the clock. 271 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,800 (LAUGHTER) 272 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,800 - We're in the kitchen. 273 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,720 What's this in my hand now? - It's a bottle. 274 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,720 - Of... - I'm not sure. 275 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,240 - I'm gonna go to the kitchen and find almond milk. 276 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,840 - OK, but I-I have stopped the clock. 277 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,600 - Do you wanna test that for me ― if that's almond milk? 278 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,600 - I'm not sure. 279 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,560 Hey, Tom. 280 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,800 Tom. 281 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,640 - What about this one? - I think that's glue. 282 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,880 - Oh, sorry, bro. - No, that's OK. 283 00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:00,560 - Oh no. If I knew that, I would've told you to drink the whole bottle. - Oh. 284 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:01,880 I've stopped the clock. 285 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:02,440 - (BLEEP). 286 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,080 WHISPERS: What was it? 287 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:08,360 I should have taken the instructions. I'll be back. 288 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,520 - Is that almond milk? - That's yoghurt. 289 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,520 - Try this one. 290 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,200 - That tastes like maybe paint and... - Oh, sorry, bro. 291 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,760 - No, that's OK. 292 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,480 I have stopped the clock. 293 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,160 - Five. 294 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,880 - You don't need to do any of this. 295 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,560 - OK, I'm gonna take this with me. 296 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,920 - (SWALLOWS LOUDLY) That could be almond milk. 297 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:33,200 - This one? Maybe we try that last bottle again just to make sure. 298 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,320 - Paint for sure. 299 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,600 - OK. We'll go with this one. 300 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,880 - Tom, can you hear me? 301 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,360 I've stopped the clock already. 302 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,680 The task is done. (BELL TINKLES) 303 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:44,720 OK. 304 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,600 Yeah, keep going. It's just... open pastures. 305 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,800 You happy with that? 306 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,600 - Five. - I stopped the clock a long time ago. 307 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,320 - Five. 308 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,720 - There you go, sir. 309 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,520 (BELL TINKLES) - I stopped the clock. 310 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,080 Hello? 311 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,360 Are you happy with that? 312 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,360 - You're happy? - I've stopped the clock. 313 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:05,840 - Oh, have you? - Yeah. 314 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,840 - Is that it? - Yeah. 315 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,720 (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) 316 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,960 - Tom, I now understand why you looked so uncomfortable when you were watching everyone else's. 317 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,920 - I know. A lot of mistakes made. 318 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,480 - You did so much more than you needed to. - I know. 319 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,640 Life in general for me, really. - Yeah. 320 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,080 - Did I get the milk right? 321 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,760 - It was the correct milk. - What?! 322 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,000 - But... (LAUGHTER) 323 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,560 But... - But it wasn't in a mug. - It wasn't in a mug. 324 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,760 And your time ends when you ring the bell, so... - Oh, what? 325 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,440 - Yes. (LAUGHTER) 326 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:43,040 So, 1.33, and he did ring the bell, and then he continued for a further 12 and a half minutes. 327 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,640 (LAUGHTER) 328 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,960 Tofiga ― 30 minutes and 32 seconds. (LAUGHTER) 329 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,560 We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids. - Yeah, I could see that. 330 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,400 - Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times. 331 00:15:54,400 --> 00:16:00,000 I probably should say to anyone watching ― don't drink glue or paint. 332 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,200 - Do drink piss. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) 333 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,720 - Exclusively. 334 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,240 - Should we have a look at how we're gonna score that, because― 335 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:12,320 - Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task. - Yeah. 336 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,200 - So what do you think for them? - Zero. - Zero for both. 337 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,200 - Jeremy. - OK. 338 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,520 - Well, you didn't complete the task; you don't get a point for that. 339 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,040 - He's gotta do what he's gotta do, you know? - Shut up. 340 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,200 - It's brutal, guys. I've done a whole season of this. Just wait. 341 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,320 Just gotta toughen up. Gotta harden up, mate. 342 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,000 - So, Tom ― disqualified. - Yeah. 343 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,720 - Hayley ― disqualified. - Yeah. 344 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,200 - Three points for Tofiga? - Yeah. 345 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,240 - With 30 minutes and 32 seconds. (LAUGHTER) 346 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:40,440 Four points for Abby, and five points for Ben Hurley. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 347 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,440 - Thank you. Thank you. 348 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,040 - So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul? 349 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,640 - Out in first with nine points ― 350 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:53,320 Abby Howells. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Yay. 351 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,840 - OK. Let's chuck on another task. 352 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:01,160 - Warning ― this next task could get a little messy. 353 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:06,960 But I'm about to press 'Pele' and you 'Maradona' wanna miss this one. 354 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,160 (QUIRKY MUSIC) 355 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000 - Wahey. 356 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,800 - Can't see Paul. Can't see Paul. 357 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,800 - Paul? 358 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,040 - Hello, Paul? 359 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,080 - Aargh! 360 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,160 (SCREAMS) 361 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,160 - Ah, ah, ah! 362 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,000 - Oh, what? Are you serious, Paul? 363 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,360 - Whoa! 364 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,360 - Oh! 365 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,080 - No. No! No! 366 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,960 - Oh-wa. 367 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,720 (LAUGHTER) 368 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:46,320 - That was really impressive. - Thanks for saying that. 369 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:51,200 - READS: 'Celebrate a football goal. Most glorious goal celebration wins.' 370 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,080 - 'You may only take one kick.' 371 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,680 - 'If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.' 372 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,360 - 'You have 30 minutes.' 373 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,440 - 'Your time starts now.' 374 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:06,880 - And do you have a signature celebration? - Well, I'm a New Zealander, so... 375 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,880 still somebody watching will go, 'Bit much, mate.' - Yeah. 376 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,600 - Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul? - Have I seen it? 377 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,400 - (LAUGHS) - I performed in it. 378 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,600 - Who'd you play? - Javert. 379 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,880 - Ohh. 380 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:23,360 - Got a barbecue? And some chicken nibbles. Make sure there's heaps, man. 381 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,480 - OK, I'll try. - I'll put in a good word for you. 382 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,720 - With the Taskmaster? - Yeah. - OK, thank you. 383 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,360 - What's his name again? - The Taskmaster? - Yeah. 384 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,640 I see him on TV every now and then, eh. Him and the lady. What's her name? 385 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:40,520 - You don't know her name? - Hillary Clinton, eh. Is it Hillary Clinton? 386 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:45,080 - So, that whole intro was clearly designed to show off your football prowess. 387 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:50,880 - Essentially, yeah. - And then there was an open goal, and you hit the corner of the post. 388 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,080 - Yeah, yeah. - I could see how genuinely gutted you were there. 389 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,360 - Yeah, yeah. - HAYLEY: Yeah. 390 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,360 - I didn't realise when you came in, Paul, 391 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,760 that the assumption was that you would play with you with the ball. 392 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,520 You know? Other people were like, 'Oooh!' You know? 'I've gotta get in the goal, have a bit offun.' 393 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,000 Uh, but I just watched. (LAUGHTER) 394 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,000 - Ironically, it worked. You were the one person I didn't score against. 395 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,040 - (LAUGHS) Yeah. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER) 396 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:16,120 - It's OK, Paul. I disconcert people. (LAUGHTER) 397 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,040 - OK, shall we see some celebrations? Who's up first? 398 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,320 - Serving up a healthy portion of goal, it's Tofiga. 399 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,000 (WHISTLE TRILLS) 400 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,000 - This is for you, Paul. 401 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,440 Hey, yeah! 402 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,680 Yeah! 403 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,680 All right! Whoo-hoo-hoo! 404 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,200 Milimili, milimili. 405 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,200 Pati a. Lua pati. 406 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,560 Hey, hey. - Ho. 407 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,160 - Hey, hey. - Ho! 408 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,480 - Take. - Zoom. 409 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:42,920 - Double take. - Zoom, zoom. 410 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,920 - Aue, aue. - Isa. 411 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960 - All right. Yeah, Paul. 412 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,880 Dance for me, Paul. 413 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,640 - Give me a 'T'. - Yeah! 414 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,920 - 'O'. - 'O'. 415 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,320 - 'F'. - 'F'. 416 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,680 - 'I'. - 'I'. 417 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,240 - 'G'. 418 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,600 - What sort of 'G' was that? - 'G'. Capital 'G'. 419 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,920 - Oh, 'G'! 420 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,200 - BOTH: 'A'. 421 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,200 - Yeah! Tofiga! 422 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,320 Yeah, Paul. 423 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,320 Yee-hoo! 424 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,680 - Have you cooked that enough? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good stuff. 425 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,120 Do you want a patty or...? - I'm vegetarian. 426 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:17,440 - Yeah. The chicken's vegetarian. - I don't think so. That looks like real chicken. 427 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,960 - Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat. It's a vegetarian chicken. 428 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,360 - Oh, it eats, like, grains. - Yeah. And the patty's definitely vegetarian. 429 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,440 - That's absolutely not vegetarian. 430 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,120 (APPLAUSE) 431 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,120 - That's genius. That made me so happy. - HAYLEY: It's awesome. 432 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:40,120 - (LAUGHS) I love a sausage sizzle. What were the crew like behind the camera? 433 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:44,040 I feel like they would have just been like― that's just the kind of thing that gets the crewso excited. 434 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,200 You know what I mean? Sausage sizzle. 435 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:50,160 - I mean, yeah, I think they were just kind of like... (LAUGHTER) 436 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,800 - So, had've you eaten that chicken... - Mm. 437 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,920 - ...like, how long was the... - How long would I have had to live? 438 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,400 - Had he cooked it? Yeah. - Not long. - Right. 439 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,960 - (CHUCKLES) Yeah. No, he cooked the chicken for... 440 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,840 I measured 44 seconds. (LAUGHTER) 441 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,880 - OK. I'd like to see another comedian do an elaborate over-the-top celebration 442 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:11,040 after scoring an open goal from 2m away, please, Paul. 443 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,240 - Will he bend it like Beckham or Ben it like Hurley? 444 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,320 (LAUGHTER) 445 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,520 - Ben Hurley steps up for new club Spurs City United 446 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,400 to score a goal. Here he goes. 447 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:30,560 And again! It's a gooooooooooooo... 448 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,040 ooooa... 449 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,360 oooooooal. 450 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,000 You scored a goal. 451 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,880 Who are ya? Who are ya? 452 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,680 I'll be back soon, lads. 453 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:44,920 I'm a famous footballer now, so I'm gonna get in my Aston Martin and go marry a supermodel. 454 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,920 (LAUGHTER) 455 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,280 (HORN TOOTS) 456 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,680 - I now pronounce you husband and wife. 457 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,760 - I love you, supermodel lady. 458 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,960 HIGH-PITCHED: I love you, footballer Ben Hurley. 459 00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,640 (LAUGHTER) 460 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,200 Oh, wow, what a fantastic footballing career. 461 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,200 (PHONE RINGS) Hello? 462 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,920 What? Tax? 463 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,000 How often do I have to pay that? 464 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,000 Every year? Eugh! 465 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:20,320 (PANTS) Oh, thank God we've moved to a country with such lax tax laws like Switzerland. Thatwas close. 466 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,000 Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart? 467 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,880 Uh... 468 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,040 (SOFT MUSIC) 469 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,320 # I scored a goal. 470 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,160 # I scored a goal. 471 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,640 # Who are ya? Who are ya? # 472 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,200 (APPLAUSE) 473 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,200 - HAYLEY: Oh, wow! 474 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,000 - That was good. That was good. So that was an amazing story arc there. 475 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:54,280 There was a beginning, a middle, and then about six endings. (LAUGHTER) 476 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:58,080 - Yeah, it was a long denouement, as they say in the film industry, yes. 477 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,880 - And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there? Was that a Toyota Raum? 478 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,120 - I believe it was an Aston Martin. - I think it was― Yeah, it was... 479 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,760 - I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin. 480 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,000 - No, it was a― Yeah, it was a type of Aston Martin called a Demio. 481 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,720 - Oh. (LAUGHTER) 482 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,560 Yes. Um, can you show me another one, please? 483 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:20,160 - Behind every great goalkeeper there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury. 484 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,400 - (GASPS) I did it! I did it! 485 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,000 Yay! 486 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,920 (GRUNTS) Yeah! 487 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,480 What, ref? 488 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,480 What do you mean, ref? That wasn't a foul. 489 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,760 What are you doing, Bianca? 490 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:46,560 Bianca, this is about you and me. This is personal. It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team. 491 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,800 Oh, here we go again. I was too focused on my football career. 492 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,720 Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca. 493 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,720 Yeah, I've been thinking about you ever day too. 494 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,560 I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well. 495 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,960 I really liked how you blew your whistle. 496 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,080 (LAUGHTER) 497 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,440 (WHISTLE TRILLS) 498 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,600 - Happy with that? - I'd say that would get me fourth place. 499 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,080 - That's what we're going for? 500 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,880 (APPLAUSE) 501 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,240 - I thought that's bold of you, Tom, to think that that's gonna get you fourth place. 502 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:31,680 - Oh... (LAUGHS) - What is it with you footballers and these off-pitch relationships? 503 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:36,400 - I don't know. Just red-blooded blokes up here, eh. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) - That's it, eh. 504 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,360 - I agreed with you on Bianca's reffing, though. That was absolute rubbish. 505 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,200 You had an open goal. - Exactly. 506 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:46,640 - What was the foul? - Where was―? And where was the defence? 507 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,760 - Well, exactly. There was no defence. 508 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:52,880 - Good sport term there, Tom. Well done. (LAUGHTER) 509 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,880 - There was some glory in that celebration, but it was tragic. 510 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,160 - Yeah. It's tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes. 511 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,760 - HAYLEY: Really? 512 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,600 So much lip. - So much lip. 513 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,400 - Yeah, but it was, like― kissing, like, a piece of wood. You know? Like, she was giving nothing. 514 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,400 - Wow! Wow. (LAUGHTER) 515 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,880 - That's just how girls kiss. - Yeah. 516 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,880 - It's not. (LAUGHTER) 517 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:22,880 - All right. Time now for you at home to celebrate by taking advantage of these fantastic deals 518 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:29,880 from our commercial sponsors. We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 519 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,520 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 520 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,680 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 521 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,600 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 522 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:43,160 - Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster, a beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game. 523 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,520 Isn't that right, beautiful Paul? - HAYLEY: Aw. 524 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,920 - Kind of. Thanks for calling me beautiful. 525 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:53,280 We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal. Most glorious celebration wins. 526 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:59,560 So far, we've had two break-ups and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards. 527 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:05,440 - What have we got next? - Hayley Sproull? More like Hayley Wow, What A Goal. 528 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,440 (WHISTLE TRILLS) 529 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,080 (HAYLEY GRUNTS) 530 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,600 - Yaaaaaaaaaaaa! 531 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,680 (VOICE DISTORTS) 532 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,360 Yaa! 533 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,360 (DISTORTED SHOUTING) 534 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,920 (DISTORTED GRUNTING) 535 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,360 (GRUNTS) 536 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,320 Thank you. 537 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,560 Where's my girlfriend? 538 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:33,920 Come here, baby. 539 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,280 You're gonna wanna get this. 540 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:41,440 Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa, New Zealand. 541 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,040 - Shoot. 542 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,040 - HIGH-PITCHED: Wow! 543 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,480 Will you marry me, baby? - 'Course I will. 544 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,760 (BOTH MOAN EXAGGERATEDLY) 545 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,560 - Wow. 546 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,560 Sorry, my nipples... 547 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,800 (APPLAUSE) 548 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:13,240 - I think having a goalie in there really creates some authenticity, 549 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,760 and it really ups the stakes. - Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it did. 550 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,200 I think, as well, I was really excited to see the slo-mo, 551 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,600 but, boy, it was really giving a lot, wasn't it? (LAUGHTER) 552 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,320 - Can I just point out that I feel that there wasn't enough lip in that. 553 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:27,720 (LAUGHTER) 554 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,320 - Paul and I both went to drama school, 555 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:33,800 and it's a very old technique that you use to kiss when it's not appropriate to touch lips. 556 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,080 - Well, that's... - K. 557 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,360 - ...that was money well spent, my friend (!) - Yeah. 558 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:40,920 - Well, at least you used a proper human... - Yeah. 559 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,720 - ...and not a mannequin. 560 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,880 - And can I just say the authenticity of that lesbian Paulina's undercut... 561 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,360 - Honestly. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER) 562 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,720 - It was hot. - I felt seen. I felt my people were seen. 563 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,400 I think you're an incredible ally, Paul. 564 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:56,360 - Yeah. - Yeah. 565 00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:02,400 It is definitely the least toxic relationship that we've seen so far. - Thank you. Yeah. 566 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:06,480 - Do you feel like on the scale from mannequin to human, Paul is in the middle? 567 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,480 (LAUGHTER) - Yeah. 568 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,640 - I reckon I could handle one more of these, Paul. 569 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:20,360 - Sure thing, Jeremy. Abby Howell? More like Abby Wow, She Also Scored A Goal. It's Abby Howells. 570 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:24,000 - FRENCH ACCENT: (SIGHS) My village has been attacked. 571 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,160 Oh! mon pere, you have been hit. 572 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,480 - Bonjour. - Bonjour. 573 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,480 - FRENCH ACCENT: Score a goal for me. 574 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,960 - Score a goal for you, father. 575 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,000 Oh! No. 576 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,200 Score a goal. 577 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,040 It is the least that I can do. 578 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,320 (BOOM!) (GRUNTS, GROANS) 579 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,920 I've got to score a goal. 580 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,040 Score a goal for Pa. 581 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:53,680 (GRUNTS) 582 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:54,920 (GASPS) 583 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:56,920 Victory... 584 00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,920 for France! 585 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:00,920 They may take our lives, 586 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,040 but through football, 587 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,160 we will never 588 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,720 die! 589 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,240 (GRUNTS) 590 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,240 (COUGHS DRAMATICALLY) 591 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,000 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 592 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,360 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 593 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,080 Viva la France. 594 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,560 - What a journey. - Powerful stuff. - Oh my gosh. 595 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,840 - Incroyable. Magnifique. 596 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:33,840 - It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone, (SINGS) 'Master of the 'ouse, keeper of the inn.' 597 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,360 (LAUGHTER) (HUMS) 598 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,920 - No, he's Marius. - Oh, is that not who that is? 599 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,000 - No. - No, that's the Master of the goddamn House. 600 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:45,400 - Oh, you know everything about cricket. (LAUGHTER) 601 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,280 - The quote from you was beautiful. 602 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:55,840 - Go on. - 'They may take our lives, but through football, we will never die.' 603 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:56,960 (LAUGHTER) 604 00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,640 - Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious. 605 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:04,000 I'd also maybe like to draw attention to Paul's character, Jean-Pierre. 606 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,760 - Jean-Pierre was good. - Yes. - I gotta say. 607 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:10,800 - So, if you like Jean-Pierre, strap in, cos he appears in future... - ...quite a few tasks. 608 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,800 (LAUGHTER) - Oh, does he? - Yeah. 609 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,400 - I will point out that most of Abby's did happen before she scored the goal. Um... 610 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,400 - Paul! 611 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:21,720 (LAUGHTER) 612 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:26,120 The word, Jeremy, we will use was 'glorious'. OK? We were given the word 'glorious'. 613 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,200 - Yep, and I thought yours was glorious. - Indeed. 614 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,360 - I thought... (LAUGHTER) 615 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,320 And I think that you deserve four points for that. - Thank you, Jeremy. 616 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,320 - Wow. - Appreciate. 617 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,680 - I think― - I mean, I showed myself inallmy glory. 618 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,920 - No, and I think you deserve five points. - Yes! 619 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,840 - TOM: Ooh. - Now, I loved both yours, Tom, and I also loved yours, Ben, 620 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:51,240 but there was so much tragedy involved in that, so I'm gonna give you guys two points each. 621 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,520 And then the barbecue was genius, so I'll give that three. - Oh! 622 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,600 - So two points each for Ben and Tom. - Yep. 623 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:59,240 - Three points for Tofiga. Four points for Abby. - Yeah. 624 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,280 - And five points for Hayley Sproull. - That's it. 625 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,280 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 626 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:10,520 OK, Paul, I believe it's time for another task. 627 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:16,320 - Yes, but not just any task. This task is one of our biggest tasks ever. 628 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,480 (QUIRKY MUSIC) 629 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:25,480 - Ta-da! 630 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:27,480 Oh... (CHUCKLES) 631 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,760 - Ooh. My man. 632 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,920 - Hello, Tofiga. - Thank you, sir. 633 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,320 - Wow. A cornucopia of tasks. 634 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:38,840 - Is this my cue? (LAUGHS) - What do you mean? Oh... 635 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:42,800 - Little pool cues. 636 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,440 - Mind if I sit down, Paul? - Go for it. 637 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:46,480 - OK, what have we got? 638 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,880 - READS: 'Complete all the tasks on the roof.' 639 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,600 - 'You may only touch a task using these pool cues.' 640 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,600 - 'Fastest wins.' 641 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,600 Oh my God. 642 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:57,840 - 'Your time starts... 643 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,040 'now.' 644 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,440 (APPLAUSE) - Who's going first? 645 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:07,160 - The big hand is striking Task o'clock. It's time for Big Ben. 646 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,040 - Shall I pull them down? I guess. 647 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,720 OK. And pull down. 648 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:12,480 And... (GRUNTS) 649 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:13,800 CHUCKLES: Come on. 650 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:15,800 Come on, man. 651 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,000 READS: Cheer Paul up. 652 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,800 What's gonna cheer you up? Dance? 653 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,640 There! A smile there. Did that work? 654 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,040 (LAUGHS) Good! 655 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,240 READS: Help Paul make some lunch. 656 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,520 Uh... Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich? 657 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,920 OK. Only 400 more tasks to go. 658 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:38,160 There we go. 659 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,320 READS: Don't worry about this one. 660 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,600 (CHUCKLES) Yes. Thank you. 661 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:51,440 SOFTLY: Hang on a minute. 662 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,640 This isn't the roof. 663 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,920 - What do you mean? - This is the ceiling. 664 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:06,320 Is there actually a task, like, on the roof out there, and there's, like, one? 665 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:07,840 I don't see any tasks. 666 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:09,840 Oh! High five Paul! 667 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:11,240 Oh! (LAUGHS) 668 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:12,920 I did it! 669 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:14,920 I knew it! 670 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,000 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 671 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:23,200 - I thought there was something strange about this particular task, 672 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:28,800 and just watching everybody's reaction here was gold. (LAUGHTER) 673 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,120 - I agree, Jeremy. I agree. - Oh my God. 674 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:38,360 - It was interesting to see how the wheels of your brain― I could see the moment where it turned over for you. 675 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:39,600 Sherlock Holmes-like. 676 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:44,840 - Yeah, I genuinely thought I'd done too many even there. But looking now... 677 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:49,120 - Ooh, no. - ...I'm feeling pretty smug. (LAUGHTER) 678 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:54,400 - How long did it take Ben? - Uh, it was not long. 12 minutes and 41 seconds. 679 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:55,000 - Wow. - Yeah. 680 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,160 - And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues? 681 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,120 - I thought you weren't allowed to touch them. 682 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,760 - You couldn't touch the ones on the roof. Yeah. 683 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,760 - TOM: Aww. (LAUGHTER) 684 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:05,720 What? 685 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:10,160 - Well, I can't wait to see how long it takes for our other contestants to figure out Paul's little trick, 686 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:17,560 but I'm going to have to, because it's time to cut to some ads. More Taskmaster after this. 687 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,600 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 688 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:23,640 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 689 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,000 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 690 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,600 - Hoki mai ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster, 691 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:36,160 where we're just discovering how few New Zealand comedians know what the word 'roof' means. 692 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:38,240 - Mm. - Take it away, Paul. 693 00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:43,280 - Our contestants were tasked with completing all the tasks on the roof. 694 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,400 Up next, their initials spell the word 'hat', 695 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:51,080 which is fitting, because a roof is like a hat for a house. 696 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,560 It's Hayley, Abby and Tom. 697 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,560 - (GRUNTS) READS: Cheer Paul up. 698 00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,800 You are bringing so much to the world. - Thank you. 699 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,720 - READS: Throw a grape into Paul's mouth from across the room. 700 00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:04,240 Oh! Good boy. 701 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:07,560 - READS: Lead Paul in a one-minute exercise class. 702 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,560 One, two. 703 00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:11,800 - READS: Don't worry about this one. (LAUGHS) 704 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:15,680 - READS: Write a thrilling two-person play and perform it with Paul. 705 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:19,160 - I've put a swear word in here, and I want you to really deliver it to me. 706 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,760 Maybe if... you touched me like you used to. 707 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:24,600 - Like this? 708 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,400 - (EXHALES DEEPLY) 709 00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:29,280 I prefer the touch of your brother. 710 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:32,600 - Whore. 711 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:36,200 - WHISPERS: That's the swear word. - WHISPERS: Yeah. 712 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:38,200 - READS: Shake Paul's hand for five minutes. 713 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,560 - I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing this. 714 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,480 - READS: Completely cover the desk. 715 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,960 - READS: Make Paul drink a litre of liquid. 716 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:55,000 - READS: Draw a portrait of a celebrity. Paul must be able to recognise who it is. 717 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,000 (LAUGHTER) 718 00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,600 - Now, that could be one of two people. 719 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,680 - READ: Give yourself a big makeover. 720 00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:05,880 I went for big and bold. 721 00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:11,200 - READS: Play hacky-sack with Paul until you complete six consecutive hackies. 722 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:12,760 One, two, three, 723 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:14,760 four, five, six! 724 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,160 - Six. 725 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:19,160 (CHUCKLES) 726 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,360 - Give me five, my friend. 727 00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,160 - Give you what? - Five. 728 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:26,680 - I've stopped the clock. 729 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:28,120 - We've stopped? - Yeah. 730 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:29,640 - Is that the end? - Yeah. 731 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:30,840 - SIGHS: OK. 732 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:33,680 - READS: Count how many fingers Paul is holding up. 733 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:35,200 One, two, three, four, five. 734 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:37,200 My man. 735 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,400 Oh, Paul. 736 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,040 Nah. How many am I holding up? - Oh. 737 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:45,760 Five? - Yeah. 738 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:46,720 (LAUGHTER) 739 00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:49,200 CHUCKLES: Just a silly trick. 740 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,280 So many still. 741 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:53,560 I'm losing it, Paul. 742 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,520 READS: 'Play paper, scissors, rock with Paul.' 743 00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,520 'Make Paul a drink.' 744 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:03,000 'Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital city of.' 745 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,720 'Collect 10 vastly different green things.' 746 00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:07,560 10! Good. 747 00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:08,440 - You've got 11. 748 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,920 - And now we just have one more. 749 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,120 (SIGHS) 750 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:14,680 Follow my dreams. 751 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,680 (CHUCKLES) I will. 752 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,320 And that's the last one. 753 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:23,880 You can stop the clock if you want. - That's not how it works. 754 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:30,080 - I've done every single task. - All the information you need is in the task. 755 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:32,840 - (SIGHS) 756 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,840 No. 757 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,600 This is (SIGHS) not a good sign. (CHUCKLES) 758 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:45,560 Feel like I'm in a horror movie. 759 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:47,600 READS: Do all the tasks on the roof. 760 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:49,600 Is there a task on the roof? 761 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,280 Oh, there's the task on the roof. 762 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,240 OK. I can't read it. I gotta go downstairs. 763 00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:57,840 SHOUTS: Noooo! 764 00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:59,440 (GROANS) 765 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:00,920 READS: High five Paul. 766 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:02,920 (EXCLAIMS) 767 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:05,720 - I've stopped the clock. 768 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:07,720 - (PANTS) 769 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,480 (SIGHS) 770 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:12,600 (APPLAUSE) 771 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:18,280 - I feel like Abby deserves some counselling after that, because that was intense. 772 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,040 - Yeah. I think me sitting on the grass at the end ― 773 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,280 you know that portrait of a woman who's like this and... - Yes. 774 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:28,440 - Yeah. It was like that. It was true despair and sadness and... 775 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,000 - Well, you were there. - I know. 776 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,360 - You were there. - HAYLEY: I know. 777 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:36,760 - I know. I know, but I was trying to be sassy for the television. (LAUGHTER) 778 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:37,680 - GOOFILY: She's Sassy Sue. 779 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:42,160 - I was trying to be sassy for the television and provide entertainment for all of you. 780 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:45,520 - There's a little bit of karma there, Abby, cos you're not supposed to leave anyone hanging... 781 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:46,800 - Yeah. - ...with a high five. - That's true. 782 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,280 - It's a little bit of karma. - OK. The interesting thing for you, Tom... 783 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:50,320 - TOM: Yes. - ...and you as well, Hayley, 784 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,920 is that you had no idea why on Earth you'd finished. 785 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,560 - No, we did. We did. We did. - Did you? - No, I didn't. 786 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,440 (LAUGHTER) 787 00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:58,600 I didn't. 788 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:03,840 - So what were the times? - Tom high fived me after 31 minutes and 36 seconds. 789 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:07,040 Hayley ― 43 minutes and eight seconds. 790 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:10,720 Abby ― one hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds. 791 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:15,640 - OK, so by my calculations, Paul, there's still one contestant left. 792 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:23,280 - Yes. Last but not least, but also not most ― I like all the contestants equally ― it's Tofiga. 793 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:25,280 - Do the task on the roof. 794 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,680 And what's the task on the roof? 795 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:30,680 - Uh... What do you mean? 796 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,640 - Oh. Don't tell me it's outside. 797 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:37,240 See if I― I'm trying to see if I can find it from here. 798 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:39,240 Does that look like a task up there? 799 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:40,680 I've got bad eyes. 800 00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,520 Can you go up there and read it for me? 801 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,320 - It says, 'High five Paul.' 802 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:46,680 - Yeah! 803 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:48,600 My man. 804 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,680 - I've stopped the clock. 805 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,800 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 806 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:59,560 - So, it turns out that it's one of the easiest tasks we've ever had on Taskmaster. 807 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:06,440 - He didn't even regard the ceiling. He was― He must have been like, 'I guess that's for another task.' 808 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,720 - I was changed. (LAUGHTER) 809 00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:13,640 - I am starting to detect there's a bit of a through-line going on here with Tofiga, though. 810 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,240 He gets you to do absolutely everything. (LAUGHTER) 811 00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:18,960 - But he's incredibly polite, so I'm happy to help. 812 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,000 - So, how long did he take in the end? 813 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:24,720 - So, it actually― it wasn't quite as quick as it looked, cos Tofiga, 814 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:28,280 he definitely doesn't move with a lot of urgency. (LAUGHTER) 815 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:30,760 So, 10 minutes and 18 seconds. 816 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:33,600 - What were you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds? 817 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:39,400 - Uh, he sits there for a bit, and then we sort of just meandered out. Yeah. 818 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:44,880 But, still, even at that pace, he did beat Abby by over an hour. (LAUGHTER) 819 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:50,560 - So, wait, you're saying― So he cooked the meat for less. (LAUGHTER) 820 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:58,560 - With that time, that means one point for Abby, two points for Hayley, three points for Tom, 821 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:04,000 four points for Ben and five points for Tofiga. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 822 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,720 - OK. 823 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:11,360 So, if that task has inspired you to go and check your roof for any secret messages, now is yourchance. 824 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:17,560 We'll be back with a live task and the winner of episode one after these ads. 825 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,600 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 826 00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,640 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 827 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,160 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 828 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:27,520 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 829 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:35,000 - Tena tatou. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're about to find out which lucky comedian 830 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:39,840 will be forced to take home five of the worst cups in existence. 831 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:45,080 But before we get on to our live task, we'd better have a little squiz at the old scoreboard,Paul. 832 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:48,240 - So, anyone can win it tonight ― apart from Tom. 833 00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:51,520 Ahead by one point on 14 is Abby Howells. 834 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,000 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 835 00:41:54,480 --> 00:42:00,960 - OK, you lot, please head to the stage for the live task. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 836 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:02,720 (UPBEAT FANFARE) 837 00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,320 All right. Can someone talk me through what's happening here? 838 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:06,400 - Tom Sainsbury... - TOM: Yes. 839 00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:10,680 - ...could you please read this task? - (GASPS) Ooh. 840 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:14,600 READS: 'Simultaneously toss both your shoes off the stage. 841 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:19,680 'Furthest apart landed shoes each round will be eliminated. 842 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,480 'The first round, you must throw the shoes with one in each hand. 843 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,040 'You cannot attach your shoes together in any way. 844 00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:28,520 'Last person standing wins.' 845 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:32,200 - Abby, please throw from your mat. You may not move your mat. 846 00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:33,960 - Golly. 847 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:35,800 - BEN: Let me smell yours. - HAYLEY: They're brand new. - Good luck, Abby. 848 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:39,120 - Thank you. - Yours smell like mustard. (LAUGHTER) 849 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:42,440 You're... Now you're gonna have mustard hands. - Let her focus. Let her focus. 850 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:45,880 - Sorry. - Excuse me. Can you let me focus? This is very important. 851 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:50,000 - Excuse me. I'm talking to mustard hands here. - Yeah. 852 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:51,800 - Oh my God. It's really good. - Oh, lovely. 853 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:53,920 - MADELEINE: That was a good throw. - Really beautiful. 854 00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,920 - PAUL: Ben. - Go, Hurls. - Here we go. 855 00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,760 (EXCLAIMING) - That's close. - Feeling good. Feeling good. 856 00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,120 - So, Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer with a buckle. - Yeah. 857 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:07,120 Classic mustard hands, right? - Mm. 858 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:12,240 - AUDIENCE: Ooh. - JEREMY: Ooh. It fell favourably. 859 00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:14,640 - HAYLEY: Lovely. - MADELEINE: No, it's terrible. (EXCLAIMING) 860 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:15,840 Yeah, it's too bouncy. 861 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:17,920 - Wait for it. Wait for it. 862 00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:19,720 - HAYLEY: Oh... 863 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:21,000 (ABBY CHUCKLES) 864 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:26,840 - Eliminated in round one ― Madeleine Sami, representing Tofiga. - Thank you. 865 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,440 - It was thrilling. - Paul, do you want a shoe boy? I could be a shoe boy. 866 00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:30,240 - What is a shoe boy? 867 00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:32,800 - Gather the shoes, like at the tennis. The tennis ball boy. - Like a ball boy. 868 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:35,720 - I might take you up on that. - (CHUCKLES) 869 00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:41,200 - You'll be throwing both shoes simultaneously in your weak hand. 870 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:45,000 - Lovely! - Oh, bad roll. (APPLAUSE) 871 00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,600 - Oh, for God's sake. 872 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:53,280 Ohh! 873 00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:56,520 (EXCLAIMING) 874 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,560 - Abby ― 84.5cm. 875 00:44:01,720 --> 00:44:05,080 (ABBY SIGHS) - Dramatic. - The suspense. 876 00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:07,080 - Tom's shoes... 877 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:09,080 91cm apart. - Oh, rats. 878 00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,840 (BEN LAUGHS) - Oh my God. Shoe boy, thank you so much. 879 00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:13,680 - BEN: Thank you. Thank you. 880 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:21,880 - For round three, you will be throwing the shoes simultaneously over your heads without looking. 881 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,400 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) 882 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:27,280 - It couldn't get worse! (TOM LAUGHS) 883 00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:30,880 - They're actually in different post codes. (LAUGHTER) 884 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:31,920 (EXCLAIMING) 885 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,720 (APPLAUSE) Oh, really good. 886 00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:36,480 - So, Hayley needs Ben to have a shocker here. 887 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,480 - You suck. (LAUGHTER) 888 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,280 - ABBY: Ohh... 889 00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,360 - TOM: Oh... 890 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:44,400 - Hayley, you are eliminated. 891 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,400 - BEN: Well done, Hayley. - Sorry I negged you. 892 00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,400 (LAUGHTER) 893 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:53,560 - For the final round, you will kick the shoes with your feet one at a time. 894 00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:55,560 - One at a time. 895 00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:59,120 Ooh, it's good. It's so good. - TOM: Ooh, yes. 896 00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:01,800 - (GASPS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 897 00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,080 - (LAUGHS) - It's good. 898 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:08,480 It's good. 899 00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:13,360 (LAUGHTER) 900 00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:14,360 - OK. 901 00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:17,840 - JEREMY: This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon. - Doesn't matter, does it? 902 00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:19,840 Oh... (LAUGHTER) 903 00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:27,160 - The winner of the live task ― Abby Howells. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 904 00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:31,840 - Come on down, everyone, and we'll give out some points. 905 00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:34,200 How did that all go, Paul? 906 00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:38,520 - So, in order of elimination, we have one point for Tofiga via Madeleine, 907 00:45:38,520 --> 00:45:44,200 two points for Tom, three points for Hayley, four points for Ben, and five points for Abby Howells, 908 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,520 which means... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 909 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:51,640 ...the winner of episode one of season five of Taskmaster is Abby Howells. 910 00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,600 - There we go. Abby. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you. 911 00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:59,720 - Congratulations, Abby. You are now the proud owner of a collection of truly terrible cups. 912 00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:04,880 Go up and enjoy your bounty. - Thank you, thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 913 00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:09,160 - Our first episode of the season in the can, but what did we learn? 914 00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:14,120 We learned that two out of five football celebrations end in marriage. 915 00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:19,120 We learned that the difference between a ceiling and a roof is your sanity. 916 00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:24,720 And most importantly, we learned that Abby Howells is the winner of episode one. 917 00:46:24,720 --> 00:46:27,080 Congratulations, Abby. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 918 00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:32,160 Thanks so much for watching. We'll you next time. Ka kite ano. 919 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:34,880 ('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC) 920 00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:37,360 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 921 00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,360 - Did someone say 'more lion'? 922 00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,360 (ROCK MUSIC) 923 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:53,000 - (GASPS) 924 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,000 - Well done, old chap. 925 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:56,000 - Eyyy. 926 00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:56,840 - (GROANS) 927 00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,880 - Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of New Zealand. 928 00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:01,880 (LAUGHTER) 69777

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