All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S04E09.720p.BluRay.x264-DEMAND

Haley! Hurry up!
You're gonna be late!

Alex, what are you doing? I need to document
Haley's first day on the chain gang.

It's not a chain gang.
It's community service.

And leave her alone.
She feels bad enough as it is.

Okay, I'm torn.
On one hand, I'm like,

"Ugh, I have to pick up
garbage all day."

And on the other hand, I'm
like, "Look at me in orange."

Aw, that's cute.
Send that to me.

Haley had a little run-in
with the law in college.

She was arrested for
assaulting a police officer.

Accidentally.
I fell on him.

While evading arrest for underage drinking.
That was on purpose.

They were very lenient with her. She
only has to do community service.

Because I do not
have any priors.

Taking a little too much
pride in that, sweetheart.

Things can get
pretty rough out there.

I couldn't get my hands
on any cigarettes,

but I did make you a shiv
out of an old knife.

You don't make a shiv
out of a knife.

Yeah, you make a shiv out of a
rusty spoon or a shard of glass.

- Or a human femur.
- Exactly. Be creative.

It's really sweet of you, Luke,

but there's just gonna be a bunch
of drunk drivers and vandalizers...

who were stupid enough
to get caught.

Or stupid enough to use the word
"vandalizers."

It's "vandals."

- Oh.
- Oh.

I'm so alone.

They're gonna eat
you alive, Suburbia.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

Mitchell, we're back. You are
not going to believe this.

Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you
to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser?

Because you lack a designer's
eye and fear change?

No. Because I was afraid
two weeks would go by,

and we'd still be using a spatula
to get at Lily's clothes.

Okay. Well, we have
bigger issues.

Guess what they are cutting down
at the park today.

A tree. Yes. How
did you know that?

- I played a hunch.
- Not just any tree-Treeona Elmsley.

Oh, no. That's terrible.
That's our picnic tree.

It's a nightmare.

Well, someone's picked up
her daddy's gift for hyperbole.

They are literally chainsawing
paradise to put up a parking lot.

That's too bad.
We have to do something.

Well, if we knew earlier,
we could.

I blame myself.
I've taken on too much.

What exactly have you taken on?

Are you kidding me?
Teaching music?

This dresser handle project?
My role in the musical?

- Oh, that.
- You know what? I don't like your tone.

The understudy's the most
challenging role in any production.

You have to be ready at a moment's notice to
go on and face a disappointed audience...

- who was there to see Kenny van Heffington.
- Our insurance guy?

- He's breathtaking.
- Really?

Yeah, I hate him. Anyway,
what was I talking about?

Putting new handles
on the dresser.

Right. The tree.
I have to do something.

I can't live like this.

Manny, while we're young!

He doesn't want to go. That's why he's
taking so long with the primping.

A boy his age should do
exactly zero primping.

You ready?
Not in the least.

That's the spirit.

This kid in my class,
Doug Brooks,

has a sports-themed
birthday party every year.

All boys. All sports.
All day.

He calls it the Doug-lympics,

which might make sense
if he did it every four years...

or if his name was AI.

Let's just say
nothing about it works.

Manny, it's a beautiful
day outside.

Go on.
Enjoy your Dougylympics.

You don't have to win a medal.
Just have fun.

Doug finishes with the most
medals no matter what.

Plus I think he only invites me because
he likes to match skin color to nation.

I know that's why
Alan Yang gets invited.

Okay, we get it.
Sports isn't your thing.

But you gotta step out of
your comfort zone sometime.

And for God's sake,
change out of those wing tips.

You're a kid.
You're not Nixon on the beach.

Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes.
Where are they?

They're still in the box.

Don't forget to take out the paper
before you put them on, okay?

And they're called sneakers.

Hello, hello!

Hey, Gloria.
So, ready to go?

- Where?
- Thought we were doing a Costco run.

Oh, I see what this is.

You called Claire to babysit
the stupid pregnant lady!

You're the one who called her.
I did?

I called Claire.
Gloria needs watching.

She's got a serious case
of pregnancy brain.

Last week, I found a bar
of soap in the fridge...

and a stick of butter
in the shower.

I walked around all day smelling
like a bucket of popcorn.

Better than the toast I ate.

Yet you ate the second piece.

Jay, bye-bye!
We're leaving!

Seriously?
I'm right here.

Duck! Duck! Come on
and hit him, you little freak!

Hands up!

Talk about a big left hook.
God, I love you.

- Phil in the Blank!
- Bill of Rights! Jerryatric!

Alan's dad!

Hey, guys.
Luke, you getting in there?

Of course.

Look, I'm Mexico.
Again.

Does anybody care
that I'm not from Mexico?

You keep saying that, but we've
never seen a birth certificate.

All right, look. I'll pick you up at 5:00.
Knock yourself out.

Or better still,
knock someone else out.

Jay, where you headed? Why don't you stick
around and grab a beer with the dads?

I don't really know those guys. I think I'll
just swing by the club, hit a few balls.

Well, come here.
Let me introduce you around.

Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law.
Manny's stepdad.

- Hey, what's up, Jay-Io?
- Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to
step outside your comfort zone?

I will send you back to Mexico.

I didn't really call you,
did I?

No, my dad did.
But I thought you knew.

I want to be so
mad at him, but he's right.

I have two brains in my body, but I've
never been so dumb. It happens. I get it.

You have another human being inside
of you competing for resources.

Look, when I was pregnant with Alex,
I could barely remember my name.

Same with Haley and Luke?

Mmm, not so much. They kind of just
hung out in there, let me do my thing.

Thank you for understanding.

I'm glad that you came.
Mmm.

It will help me not to forget stuff.
I'm glad I can help out.

I-Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why didn't you stop first?

Where's Daddy?

- I don't know, sweetie. He said to meet him by Treeona.
- Mitchell! Lily!

Where is he? Up here!
Look up here!

Cam, what are
you doing up there?

I came down to say good-bye to
the tree, give it one final hug,

and before I knew it,
I was up here.

When you say
one final hug-

If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut it down.
I googled it. It's a thing.

Okay, Lily. See,
this is a nightmare.

Tell me about it.

You know what? You're a
list-maker, a planner.

I'm a doer
and an action-taker!

Sean Penn would play me
in a movie about this,

or Anne Hathaway, if they
wanted a female-driven vehicle.

And who would play
your long-suffering partner?

- Julianne Moore, either way.
- I would totally see that. I would.

Hey! My supervisor wants to know if
you have a history of mental illness.

- No, sir, I do not.
- Well, uh-

All right, Cam, let's hear it.
What's the plan?

I don't know. I'm sort
of making it up as I go.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yes. I've never been more sure
about anything in my life.

We need to teach our daughter the value of
taking a stand, no matter the sacrifice!

Hello?

Done.
I'll be right there.

Mitchell, you need to get up here.
I have to go.

- Excuse me?
- That was my theater troupe. An actor's sick.

I have to go
and do the matinee.

What happened to showing Lily
the value of taking a stand?

It's the lead.

It's also important to show her the
value of honoring one's commitments.

And in this case, my
commitment preceded my stand!

This is so you, Cam.

You start something, and then
you expect me to finish it.

- So you're not coming up here?
- No! No, I'm not. Come on.

- Mitchell, where were we the first day Lily rolled over?
- Under this tree.

- Where is home base when we play hide-and-go-seek?
- Under this tree.

And where did we take shelter during
that dangerous lightning storm?

Wasn't a good idea,
but it was under this tree.

Daddy, you've got
to save the tree!

Yeah, Daddy, you have to save the tree!
Okay, okay.

But you get back here
the second you are done.

Well, I can't very well turn
away fans that come backstage.

The second!

Last summer, my sister took a
totally humiliating photo of me.

Haley, that's not funny!

Then she posted it to Facebook
and refused to take it down.

It got 873 likes.

Meanwhile, there's not
one embarrassing photo of Haley.

Even her mug shots were cute.

Today, I get my revenge.

One photo of Haley dirty, sweaty,
picking up trash like a criminal.

It'll be my finest moment.

In a few years, I hope
to have some more friends...

and not have time
for this kind of stuff.

Okay. Hey.

Where did you go?
To get a sweatshirt.

We've been standing in the frozen
food aisle for half an hour.

I need something frozen.
Right. What?

I don't know. I just
wrote the word "frozen."

Okay. Uh, let's think.
Peas. Ice cream. Pizza?

Waffles.
Wait a minute.

It says "dozens."
I need the eggs!

Ah, the eggs. Okay.

Ay, no, on the other side.

Oh. Oh. I-I'll get the cart.
So that's-Oh, sorry.

That's-That's me.
That's me. I got it.

Come on, guys!
They're killing us!

Where the heck is Mexico?

Good news, gentlemen!
I found another rope.

If we double Dutch,
everyone wins.

Okay. Hold still.

And wait for it. This is what
you'd look like fat and bald.

On my phone,
that app's called a camera.

Bill, don't do that
to yourself.

Let me tell you something.
Ellen is one lucky woman.

Why is that funny?

Because she's married to Jerry.

Jay, you got any good apps?

I don't know. I got call waiting.
Is that an app?

You guys laugh a lot, huh?

Jay's a little
technologically challenged.

From a guy
who can't drive a stick.

What? You can't?

- Well-
- He called me to rescue him one time.

He got stuck on a hill. He was
afraid to let go of the clutch.

- Well, I-
- By the time I got there,

traffic's backed up
half a mile,

everybody's yelling at him,
he's in tears.

Not tears.
Maybe sweat.

Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.

I had about 10 pretty bad
pictures of Haley.

I could have quit right there,
but I'm a perfectionist.

I thought,

"I could do better.
She could look worse."

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

All right, pal.
Come down from the tree.

Sorry. Can't do that.

Come down before
we pull you down.

Well, hey. Ease up.
What's the problem?

Look, I don't want to be
up here, you know?

But this is my daughter's
favorite tree.

And my partner, he's all up in arms
about them cutting it down, so-

If your partner's so worked
up, why isn't he here?

Oh, well, that's
a very good question.

It's because he starts things and he
doesn't finish them, so then I have to.

Just like my wife. You know, my therapist
would say we're enabling them.

You and your therapist. Well, I wouldn't
have to see him if you hadn't shot that guy.

Ah, that again? Look, let's just
spray him with the fire hose.

You're not helping, Terry.

It's not your fight. So why don't
you do us a favor and come on down?

Because he's right, all right?

That's the frustrating part. I-I've been
sitting up here these past few hours,

and... this tree
is beautiful, okay?

And I-I can hear the squirrels
dancing through the branches,

you know, chasing each other.

No idea what's about to happen.

You know, this isn't just a tree.
This is a home.

Yeah. To, like, a hundred rats.
They're all over this thing.

Well, that changes nothing. I will wait
you guys out all night if I have to.

Cam, you got 20 minutes,
and I'm out of this tree.

Terry, you wanna get
ready with that hose?

So Alex comes home
from school the other day,

and she says the teacher didn't
know what she was talking about,

when in reality,
I don't think that-

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
¡Ay!

Hey! You almost just cut my head off.
You gotta focus.

I am sorry. After all that,
I forgot the eggs!

Excuse me.
Yeah, hang on one second.

Listen, this is not just your pregnancy.
You are purposely turning your brain off.

You have to at least
try to pay attention.

Ma'am?
Yeah.

Do you have a receipt for
that sweatshirt? Oh, shoot.

I'm gonna need you to
come back into the store.

Oh, no. I forgot I was wearing it.
It's no big deal. Here.

Ma'am, the store.

Are you kidding me? I didn't
try to steal a sweatshirt.

Sir, I'm a mom.
Uh-huh.

- Gloria, help me out.
- Listen, Mr. Policeman.

If we wanted to steal it, you
wouldn't even know that it was gone!

Yeah, okay.
That's not helping.

Ooh! Oop! Ooh!

Ew!

Oh, my God!
A gold bracelet!

Hey, can we keep what we find?

Unbelievable.

Really?

Gentlemen, you wanna know about
the real ultimate Frisbee?

Walk with one balanced
on your head for 50 meters.

It is a measure of poise,
balance and posture.

Let's just whip the Frisbees at each other
as hard as we can and see who quits first.

Frisbee smash.
Awesome! Let's go!

Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus.

A big one! Ha, ha!

So he's out in our yard
and he's got a boom box-

What's the name of that
movie with the boom box?

Oh, Say Anything.
With John Mahoney.

So anyway, he's out there, and he's
begging Claire for forgiveness.

She's still mad at him.
She won't have any of it.

So he turns it up full blast,

and it's Olivia Newton-John.

And he starts singing,
"Let's get Philsical."

- It was an inside joke.
- Oh, not anymore.

Okay, enough with
the funny Phil stories.

But I haven't even gotten
to the best part yet.

So he's doing his little dance,
and I can't take any more,

so I nail him
with the sprinklers.

Yep, and you also
shorted out my boom box,

which you said you'd replace and you never did.
I never said that!

Yes, you did. You still owe me one
boom box, 12 "D" batteries...

and an Olivia Newton-John
cassingle.

Huh. Okay, uh-

Why don't we settle it
in the ring?

We get in there, and if you beat me,
I'll buy you any boom box you want.

If I beat you, then you've gotta
do your little dance for everyone.

Yeah!

I'm in.

Let's get Philsical.

I wasn't worried.
I'd boxed in the navy.

And it was Phil.

And here's something
I thought I'd never say-

I'd rather box my daughter's
husband than my son's.

Whoo!
Yeah!

Yeah, come on!
Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Yeah!
Yeah!

I may have been holding on to
a tiny bit of anger towards Jay.

I scooped ice cream all summer
for that boom box!

Oh!

Excuse me. Pardon me.
We're here! We're here!

- We came as fast as we could!
- You couldn't change?

You said come right away!

Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Oakwood Rep's production of Cats-Make
sure you catch it this week.

Word on the street is the
understudy steals the show!

Mitchell, I get two more shows. Kenny
van Heffington's toenail is infected!

Just get up here, all right?

The crew has to leave at dark,
so you have until then.

Easy peasy.

Sweetie, tell Daddy what
you thought of my performance.

Transcendent.

Ah, geez.

Is this sap?

Why would I buy hundreds of
dollars worth of merchandise...

and then steal
a $20 sweatshirt?

I don't know.
Maybe you do it for the thrill.

I know your type. You're a bored
housewife, drives a minivan,

husband spends
a little too much time online.

Got a couple of kids,
a college degree you don't use.

You could not be more wrong.

Yes. She has three kids.

Okay, no. No, no. No, no. No.
That's not helping.

Look, as I said before,
it was an accident.

Heard it a thousand times.

Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students.
They all say the same thing.

"It was an accident. I don't know how
that clock radio got in my pants."

Oh, for God's sake! I don't feel well.
Let us go.

Yeah, right.
Is that even a baby?

'Cause from here,
it looks like a turkey.

I need you to sign
this, admitting your guilt...

and promising you'll never
return to this store.

I'm not signing that.
Okay, great.

Then I'm gonna call the police
and I'll be forced to-Aah!

What was that?

My water broke!
I'm having the baby!

Hey.

Sorry about that.
I went a little nuts there.

I don't know what happened.

I do.

I was ragging on you
in front of your friends.

Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.

I couldn't think of anything
else to say. Why not?

I got 20, 25 years on those guys.
We got nothing in common.

It's only gonna get worse.

I mean, what's it gonna be like
with the new kid in 10 years?

Oh, my goodness.

You're insecure and vulnerable. This
is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Shut up.
Who's a shy bunny?

You wanna go one more round,
without the gloves?

I'm just playing around, Jay.

I don't care how old you are. I
could sit and talk to you all day.

Those guys really liked you too.
I don't care about that.

Did they?

Even Jerry?
Yes.

Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny
didn't want to come and look at him.

Looks like he's
having a great time.

So then Luke's dad grabs the Taser
from me, and he was like, "Uhh! Uhh!"

No. No! That's not how it happened.

¡Ay, ay! It hurts!

Hang in there! Hang in there! I'll get
you to the hospital as soon as I can.

I just want to apologize one more
time on behalf of the store...

for any stress that
I might have caused you.

Here, you can keep the sweatshirt
as a gift.

And congratulations on this baby, which
is clearly not a turkey. That was-

Go away now!
Yeah.

¡Ay! ¡Ay! Okay. Go on. Go on.
Get in. You good?

What hospital are we going to?
No! No hospital!

No hospital. Wow. Oh,
you're one of those, huh?

Okay, please don't have it in the pool,
though, 'cause we swim in there.

I'm not having the baby, Claire.
I was just faking it.

What?

Not bad for someone
with pregnancy brain, huh?

Okay, that's good. That was very good.
Good thinking, Gloria.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit
there and watch you suffer...

just because you had
turned your brain off.

Okay, I deserve that.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just blew through
a red light. Damn.

You think you can keep the pregnancy
thing up for a little while longer?

¡Ay! I feel the head!
Feel it! Feel it!

Save it! Save it for the cop!

Save it.

All right, guys, that's it.
Pack it up!

You win for today.
See you on Monday.

- That's it?
- That's it.

So I'll go to city hall on
Monday and see what I can do,

but... you did it, Cam.

No, we did it. I had to run
away, and you stepped in,

and like an understudy, you
gave a brilliant performance.

Yeah, but you're the star.

Oh, well.

Can we stop doing this
and go home?

Yes, Lily, but I want you
to remember this moment.

The day your daddies made you proud.

Turn her away, Mitchell!

Turn her away!

Ew.

Alex, what are you doing here?

Learning a valuable lesson
about karma...

and how wrong it is to take
pleasure in people's embarrassment.

Wow. I don't know what any of that
means, but you look like hell.

Say "geek."

No!

He's a vandalizer!

593 likes and counting.

Who does he belong to?

He's mine.

It was a great ending
to an amazing day.

Look. I even made the paper.

"Bizarre Protest
Saves Park Tree."

Oh. Look. What's this?

"This production of Cats should be
put to sleep"? Don't read that.

Don't-

Oh, hey, Gloria.

Listen, I called Jay about borrowing
a drill for my dresser handles.

I got it right here, Cam! Oh, geez.
What's with the getup?

Ay, good.
You see that too?

Stella, stop.

Ay. Shh, shh.
Sorry, Cam.

Oh, no, don't be. I take it
as a compliment.

Cats-now and forever.

Well, actually, just
till next Thursday.

It's been described
as transcendent.