All language subtitles for Eskimo Nell 1975-subrip

Since the turn of the century,

The motion picture industry
has brought to the screen.

Most of the great classics.

From the annals
of world literature.

"Little Women",
"Rebecca", "Anna Karenina",

"Pollyanna", "Jane
Eyre", "Lorna Doone",

"Eskimo Nell".

Eskimo Nell?

♪ Once upon time on
a sunny summer's day

Out of film school, a
young man made his way.

A budding film director.

♪ Dennis was his name

Set to make his
fortune and his fame.

And he nearly made it.

But listen to what I tell.

About the
trials and tribulations.

Of the makings of Eskimo Nell.

He walked right down to
Soho to the heart of movieland.

Head in the clouds,
diploma in his hand.

Looking for the tycoons,
just waiting for his call.

Feeling like a
star and walking tall.

And he nearly made
it, but listen what I tell.

About the
trials and tribulations.

Of the makings of Eskimo Nell.

Up the stairs
and down the stairs.

Back in the street again.

All this walking could
drive a man insane.

We don't need no directors.

We got them by the score.

So get the hell on
out and shut the door.

So much for the movies.

Thought Dennis with a sigh.

Then in a doorway,
a notice he did spy.

This is
B.U.M. Productions.

♪ The notice did exclaim

♪ Might be worth a
try, what's in a name? ♪

And he nearly made it.

But listen while I tell.

About the
trials and tribulations.

Of the makings of Eskimo Nell.

In the sleazy doorway,
up the creaky stair.

My name's
Benny U. Murdoch,

So grab yourself a chair.

Looks like you were lucky.

Director's what I need.

Come back with a
script for me to read.

And he nearly made it.

But listen while I tell.

About the
trials and tribulations.

Of the makings of Eskimo Nell.

Couldn't believe his fortune.

How lady luck had smiled.

Rang his friend Clive Potter,

♪ Sounded kind of wild

All need's a writer.

You know what?
Well, that's fine.

Thank you pal, I'll
get him on the line ♪

Called up Harris Tweedle.

Put him in the scene.

Just write a script, son.

You know what that could mean?

You've never written a script?

Well, what kind of film is it?

Doesn't matter
whether it's England,

America, Italy,
Japan, doesn't matter.

You get a bird up there
pulling her knickers down,

And it's something
they all understand.

Well, it's logical, isn't it?

I mean, which
would you rather see?

An arty crafty film or a
bloody great pair of tits?

Stands to reason, doesn't it?

Well, it wouldn't necessarily...

Right?

It doesn't matter which
side of the Atlantic you're on,

A pair of tits
is a pair of tits.

You've gotta give the
public what it wants.

I did a film a few years ago.

It was called
"Midnight Forever".

"Midnight Forever".

That wasn't the
Philippe Marseau picture.

About the Spanish
Civil War, was it?

No. This was about
lesbianism in a convent.

Didn't take a cent. So what did I do?

I changed the title to
"Dirty Knickers". Cleaned up.

You see, if you haven't got
a good title, you're finished.

Now the one I've got in mind,
the one I want you to write,

Have them queuing up
at the box office, it will.

Marvelous idea for a picture.

Tell me what you think of this.

Eskimo Nell.

Eskimo Nell?

Do you think you'll be able
to direct that, young Dennis?

Yes. Yes.

I see snow, lots of snow.

Whole panoramas of white
stretching across the screen,

Rather than style of
"Doctor Zhivago", possibly.

Yeah. I did
the follow-up to that.

"Randy Revolution". Didn't do
a very good business though.

Mind you, I had a right
scrubber playing the lead.

Well, I mean, when
she took her bra off,

Her tits sagged.

I reckon, that's
what done for me.

Weak title, saggy tits.

So, what do you
reckon to it young Harris?

Think you're gonna
be able to write it?

Of course he will.
Won't you, Harris?

Well, um...

It's just that I'm not
very well up on Eskimos.

You don't have to
worry about it.

I'll tell you you
see "Eskimo Nell",

It's a famous dirty poem.

It is all about this bird
and these two fellas,

Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete.

Well, whatever they
do, they can't satisfy her,

See? They try everything.
They get up to everything.

Well, I mean, there's one
point where he gets his rifle,

And where is it?
Where is it? Let's see.

Here we are.
Here we are.

"Mexican Pete, he
jumped to his feet."

To avenge his pal's affront,

His long-nosed
Colt with a jarring jolt.

He drove right up her...

Benny U.
Murdoch speaking.

Well, I'm in the
middle of an important.

Business conference
at the moment.

Of course you'll
get your bleeding rent.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean, I
haven't paid for eight months?

Well, you, I'll sue you!

That's what I'll do.
I'll bleedin' sue you.

I don't care who your
uncle is, I'll sue him an' all.

Bleedin' landlords.
Who does he think he is?

I'll sue him.

Now, Anyway. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Now I've got
a guy who's interested.

In putting up a
third of the money.

Now, the only point is he
won't actually put the money.

In the bank until I get
the other two thirds.

And the script written.

So that's where you
come in, young Harris.

Don't worry about the
business side of things.

Leave all that up to me.

As far as you
getting paid is concerned,

I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

Hundred pounds after profits.

Now, I can't say fairer than that, can I?

To make your first film.

Right? That's settled,
now then. Casting.

Now what you gotta go for
nowadays, you see, is class.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

A quality film we could
send to the festivals maybe?

Right. We want
some real classy birds.

None of your appendix
scars when they strip off.

Now, the key
part of course is Nell,

And we want someone
really sensational for this part.

Someone who can really pull
the crowds in, like Jane Fonda,

Rachelle Welch, Liza
Minnelli, Gladys Armitage.

Gladys
Armitage! Gladys...

Now she's a real
puller at the box office,

And she's got big tits!

Right then, that's settled.

Now don't worry about a thing.

We're gonna make
a marvelous film here.

Just you pay attention to me.

You won't go far wrong in
this business. I can tell you.

I'm off to
a cocktail party at Lady Longhorn's.

Keep at it.

So at least we've
succeeded in getting it banned, then.

I'm glad to say.
Disgusting film,

How the producers could
claim it was art I don't know.

I saw it eleven times.
In my mind it was filthy.

What we should
be doing is pushing.

For a bill in parliament
to ban everything which.

Can be considered
offensive to public models.

No. What I feel will
be far more effective.

Is to try and infiltrate
more of our members.

Onto committees
of official bodies.

Yeah, it's a great pity we
can't completely take over.

The board of film censors.

That way I could personally vet.

Every piece of filth submitted.

Take heart, Lord
Coltwind, take heart.

God is on our side.

Actually, Jeremy came
up with a wonderful slogan.

For our movement
only the other day.

Tell them what it was, Jeremy.

Make Morals Matter.

Oh, that's splendid
Simply splendid.

Oh, he's terribly
creative, is Jeremy.

Mommy?

Mommy, I want you
to meet Dennis Morrison.

You know Dennis is one
I was telling you about.

When I did that
acting job at film school.

Oh yes, how do you do?

Lady Longhorn.

This is Lord Coltwind.

My son, Jeremy.

Hi.

Film school?

I trust you're not one of
these terrible purveyors.

Of human corruption.

No. Dennis
is terribly artistic.

And frightfully socially minded.

Not left wing I trust?

Well, uh...

He's terribly
excited the moment,

He's just got his first
job directing a film.

Not one of those
sex films full of naked women, I hope.

Oh goodness, no.
Dennis wouldn't do anything like that.

Would you?
- Oh goodness. No.

But what's it to be called?

We must come and
see it when it comes out.

"Eskimo Nell".

Oh. I must say that
sounds jolly interesting.

Documentary, is it?

I may use documentary
style at certain points, yes.

Actually, I'm just waiting
for the script to written.

And who says this
country doesn't offer.

Opportunities to young people?

Dennis has even
promised me a part in it.

He's been telling
me all about it.

We're going to go to
all the film festivals,

And we're going
to win lots of prizes.

It sounds wonderful
the way he describes it.

Yes, I see snow everywhere.

White, whole panoramas
of white filling the screen.

Ah yes. For purity.

Oh yes, yes. It's going
to be terribly symbolic.

"Eskimo
Nell". Yes.

I think I've heard that
title before somewhere.

It's a famous epic poem
written over a hundred years ago.

I do so love
adaptations from the classics.

Will it be in costume then?

Part of the time.

That's just what the
public needs, you know.

Something nice and wholesome.

Is there going to be
anybody famous in it?

Gladys Armitage.

The producer
says she's very big.

I'm Gladys.
Gladys Armitage.

Everyone calls me Glad.

Benny not arrived yet? He
told me to meet him here.

I suppose he got
held up on business.

I'm Clive Potter.

Oh yeah. What
do you do then?

I'm Harris' agent.

Benny said we
were to work together.

He said you're gonna mold
the whole part to my personality.

Yes.

Fancy a drink then?

Yeah. Alright then.

Milk? Coffee?
Ovaltine?

Yeah alright, then
I'll have a large scotch.

Ah.

Won't be long.

Um, I had an article
published in the East London.

Bird Watchers Gazette once.

- Oh yeah.
- It was on penguins.

You see, I have this
theory that they can actually.

Communicate together by
wagging their flippers.

In certain ways.

Actually they're
fascinating creatures.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I hope I'm not
gonna be having it away.

With a bleeding penguin
in this script of yours?

Bloody debt
collectors. I'll sue 'em.

That's what I'll do, sue 'em.

Hello young Harris,
how are you getting on?

Hello darling.

Mmmmm!

Oh Benny, you're all cold.

Have you told her the story yet?

No. I thought...

Yeah, well I've had
some thoughts about it.

Since I saw you the other day.

Now let tell you how I see it,

And then you tell
me what you think.

Yes. Do
tell us the story. We'd love to hear it.

Well, it's about this
girl called Eskimo Nell,

And she's very young and...

Innocent?

Yes, yes. She
symbolizes purity.

With bleeding great tits!

Now there's this
trapper you see,

He's got her caught
in his animal trap.

Now we have big close-ups
of her tits in the metal trap!

With lots and lots of snow.

Vast panoramas of white.

And then we have this shot.

Of a long line of
Eskimos in silhouette,

Dancing hand in hand up a
completely white mountain slope.

All bollock naked!

And then these trappers,
there's three of them,

They all screw her rigid...

While singing hymns
of praise to their gods.

Oh, you must let
me help you there.

In fact, we're having
a hymn singing festival.

At Wembley Stadium next month.

Lord Coltwind's
going to be there...

Flashing it about.

But the moment he whips it out,

She shoves it in the
trap and bangs it shut.

How's that for an
opening sequence?

You see, you've gotta think
commercially, young Harris.

Who's that for then?
- It's for me.

Last time she had one of those,

It ended up with me
having to take her to hospital.

Oh, Benny, you are rude.

Go on. She loves it, really.

Tell them how good I am.

Oh, he's very good.

Yeah, that's 'cause
I'm a real man. Isn't it?

A real, real man?

Oh, you're a real man.

Well, I'll show you.

I'll show you whether
I'm a real man or not.

Tell them what I'm like in bed.

Oh, he is ever so good in bed.

Yeah, that's 'cause I
keep myself fit. You see?

I mean, when I really get going,

I really satisfiy you, don't I?

He does. He does.
He really satisfies me.

Because I'm
a real man, aren't I?

He's very real.

Can't get enough
of me. Can you?

I can't. I can't
get enough of him.

No one will call me a puff.

Nobody could call you a puff.

No. That's cause I used
to train as a weightlifter,

Isn't it?
- He's very fit.

Virile, that's what I am.

- He's very virile.
- I'll show you.

I'll show you. Ever seen
a body like that before?

Tell how many men of my age.

Have you seen
with a body like that?

You haven't seen many men
with a body like that, have you?

He's got a lovely body.

It really turns you on.
I'm a real man, aren't I?

Oh, he's real.

Yeah. Feel that young
Harris. Feel that. Feel that.

That's all muscle there.
Go on. Have a feel of that.

Hey, hey?
That's all muscle.

Go on. Go on.
Feel it. Go on.

Have another
squeeze if you like.

No thanks.

Benny?
About the film?

What film?

Oh yeah. Um we're having
a meeting tomorrow morning.

With a chap who
was willing to put up.

Another third of the money.

A chap called Big Dick,
amongst other things.

Benny U. Murdoch
to see Big Dick.

I've got an appointment.

Hi, come on in.

Remember, let
me do all the talking.

Stella. Can we
have some coffee?

I'd like you to meet
Harris Tweedle, my writer.

And this is young
Dennis Morrison.

He's gonna direct the picture.

Well, Dennis, let
me tell you something.

I got this problem. I
got this big problem.

There's this beautiful chick
I'm screwing like every night.

Beautiful chick, lovely body.

Yet I, I got this
terrible problem, you see?

'Cause I just can't
seem to get it up anymore.

I really wanna
screw this chick yet I,

I can't get it up. So
you know what I did?

I went to the doctor
and I told him my problem.

You know what he did?

He gave me
some little gold pills,

And I take one every
morning, and you know?

They really work.

Would you like to try one?

Oh well, you'll be
meeting her later.

She's a great chick,

And you better hope
that she likes you.

'Cause if she doesn't, you
don't get any money. Okay?

That's right.

Remember I told you she's
playing the lead part of Nell?

- You mean?
- Billie's her name.

She's never acted
before in her life,

But I think
the kid's got talent,

And you're using her anyway.

Stella? Tell Billie
I want her in here.

Harris, isn't it?

Now, I guess Benny's told
you how I want the script.

I don't want any bullshit.

What I need is ninety
minutes of good, solid,

Hardcore
pornography. Okay?

And you Dennis, none
of that simulated crap.

I wanna see everything.
So you shoot it for real.

I wanna see girls being whipped.

Plenty of flagellation,
bondage, rubber appliances,

Ieather wear, chains,
lesbianism, kinky gadgets,

And you can throw in a bit
of bestiality at the same time.

Then in the second
scene, we'll make...

Dennis, this is
your Eskimo Nell.

Hi there boys!

Don't worry about it!

The minute the money's
in the bank, we kick her off,

And give Gladys the
part like I originally said.

But how do I write the same part.

For two completely
different girls?

And the fact that
one version's supposed.

To be totally pornographic?

That's it exactly, young Dennis. We
make two versions.

Very simple. It's
done all the time.

Now look, I want you
both to sign these, please.

What is it?

Oh, it's just making yourself.

Totally responsible for
the money. That's all.

Don't worry about
the business side.

Just leave all that up to me.

Oh, by the way, don't
make any arrangements.

For this evening,

Only I might want
you to come and meet.

A fellow who's
interested in putting up.

Another third of
the money. Alright?

Sorry.

Oh, I wasn't
expecting you back yet.

Rita just popped around
for a quick snack before...

I'm trying to work.

It's no good, Clive.
I just can't do it.

What are you talking about?

I've gotta write a
pornographic version.

I don't even
know where to begin.

How do you mean?

Well, if it was about the
mating habits of penguins,

I'd know what I
was writing about.

But it's different with people.

You see, I don't know
an awful lot about it.

You mean sex?

Well, for want of a
better word, I suppose...

You have had sex, haven't you?

I just don't seem to
gotten round to it somehow.

That's all.

You mean you're a virgin?

Clive. You seen
my knickers anywhere?

I think I dropped
them when we came in.

Well are you?

Well, well...

Yes.

Well, you must know
what happens, surely.

Well, I don't know.

You see, it's
different with penguins.

I mean you must have
seen it on the movies.

I'm afraid I don't go to
the pictures very often.

Yeah, I that. Know.

But I mean, you must
have seen something.

I saw "Nanook of
the North". It wasn't very good.

Didn't have any penguins in it.

Maybe next time you're doing it,

I could watch and take notes.

Take notes?

What do you think I'm, on a time.

And motion study or something?

Christ, I'd never
be able to perform.

With you sitting
there scribbling away.

Be worse than taking a
bloody examination for it.

It's not like taking
a driving test, yunno.

- I was just thinking...
- Look, look, leave it to me.

I'll see if I can get
one of my friends to do it.

How would that be?

Well, I've gotta
go out this evening.

Benny's got this backer
he wants me to meet.

Hello Ambrose. How are you then,
eh?

Dennis Morrison.
Harris Tweedle.

Very pleased to
meet you, dear boys.

Very pleased to meet you.

Nice place you
got here, Ambrose.

Yeah. You interested in art, Benny?

Oh yeah. Yeah. I like a
bit of art now and then.

That's one of my favorites.

I picked it up about
four years ago in Istanbul.

Yeah. Yeah. It looks
as though you did.

Venus Fly Trap, it's called.

You do have such
exquisite tastes, sir,

If I say so
myself, Mr. Cream...

Thank you dear boy. Not at all, sir.

Well Ambrose, have
you had any thoughts.

Yet about investing in film?

Well, yes and no.

I'll be honest
with you, Benny...

And I'll be honest
with you, Ambrose.

When it comes to
a matter of investment,

A piece of property, I know
what I'm getting myself in for.

But uh, film...

Most speculative,
Mr. Cream, sir, most speculative.

Quiet, dear boy. Quiet.

Though I must admit,
I do have a weakness

I like to indulge
myself in now and then.

Oh yeah?

Encouraging young people.

Indeed, through my investment
company Cream Holdings,

I've been able to give many a
young person a helping hand.

- Oh yeah?
- Yes, indeed.

Well, only last week
there was this young woman

I gave some money to who
had the idea of employing.

School girls of an
enterprising nature who wished.

To do a little
social work at nights.

Gym Slips Anonymous.

You probably saw
the advertisement in the personal column.

And then last month I sponsored
The Badminton Rubber Trial.

Most worthwhile,
Mr. Cream, sir.

Not to forget the Nun
of the Year award,

Which I personally
like to handle.

A most deserving venture.

Yeah. I like to give
young people a helping hand.

Myself and all.

Eh, quite.

Which brings me to
the point of our meeting.

I have at the moment, this girl.

Oh, yeah?

Who I consider
to have the most tremendous talent.

Charming girl.
Utterly charming.

Totally charming,
sir. Totally.

With the most
exceptional charisma I have ever seen.

Big, is it?

Enormous, wouldn't
you say, Rudolph?

Oh, absolutely. Mr.
Cream, sir. Quite enormous.

The moment she
walks into the room, you can feel it.

You can definitely feel it.

Yeah. Well,
it's funny you should mention that Ambrose,

Because it just so happens
that I'm looking for a girl.

With big charismas
to play the lead.

Yeah, but of course, I
wouldn't wish you to take her.

If you didn't feel
that she had talent.

Oh no, of course not.

But I do have great faith in her. You
understand?

Rudolph?

Benny, sit down, what.

The scent of daffodils.

♪ The valleys
and the hill

Come alive with April showers.

And with a precious song
my heart begins to long.

For the timeless
springtime hours.

Such passing
fancy sent me reeling.

Love, only love can
bring this wondrous feeling.

Hi-yah!

The flowers greet the
sun and smile for everyone.

Bringing love's
own priceless treasure.

Hai-yah!

And then my heart takes
wing and suddenly it sings

I love you.

Hi-yah!

Yeah, yeah.
Very talented. Yeah.

A star in the
making if ever I saw one.

She'd be absolutely the
girl we are looking for.

Isn't that right, young Dennis?

She is?

Yeah, you know, to
play the part of Nell.

She'd be perfect for it.

Millicent, my dear.
Come down here and join us.

I want you to meet Benny U.
Murdoch. He's a film producer.

I'm going to invest
in one of his films.

I can just see
it now. Millicent...?

Bindle.

Millicent Bindle as Eskimo Nell.

Splendid. Splendid!
The first kung fu musical.

Millicent Bindle in
the first kung fu musical,

Eskimo Nell.

Yes. I'll invest one
third of the money,

Providing
Millicent likes the part.

Now I want your
writer to work with her,

Mold the part to
her own personality.

I guess I'd
like it to be romantic.

Yunno, a sorta
Scarlett O'Hara character.

Who gets laid all the time.

I've never
actually acted before,

But I guess I'd like
her to be a kinda cross.

Between Bridget Bardot,
Greta Garbo, and Peggy Ashcroft.

You know, in quality, I mean.

Billie, why don't
you cut out the bullshit.

And move your
goddamn ass off my desk.

So we can get down to some work.

Now I got a few ideas
for a couple of the scenes.

That I worked out
with Billie last night.

Now you got a
copy of the poem there?

No.

Oh, doesn't matter. I
got one here someplace.

Here it is.

"Dead Eyed Dick and
Mexican Pete arrive in town."

The women too knew his playful
ways down on the Rio Grande.

So forty whores
pulled down their drawers.

At Dead Eyed Dick's command.

Now Dead Eyed
Dick was breathin' quick.

With lecherous,
snorts and grunts,

As forty asses
were brought to view,

To say nothing of forty...

I'm in a meeting!

Now, what I want to
do is give the scene.

Some real selling
power. Make it sexy.

Am I in this scene?

You ain't come
in yet, so shut up!

Goddamn dumb broad!

What it needs is a
gimmick. Like maybe...

Like maybe one of
them's got a wooden leg.

Or somethin', yunno?

"She laid down on a table bare.

Where someone had left a glass.

She twitched her tits
and smashed it to bits."

That's my
bit! I recognized it from the description.

Would you like to see me
do it? I've been practicing.

Honey, will you sit down and leave
your goddamn tits.

Out of this for a moment?

I've been practicing. Look!

Billie! Stop that
for Christ's sake!

Jesus, those little gold pills.

Seven o'clock, lan Gilchrist...

What the hell are you doing?

Clive? What
exactly are you doing?

Auditioning,
what's it look like?

Dave? I'd like
you to meet Harris.

Dave's gonna be
my assistant casting director.

On the film.

Hi there.

Harris is the guy
who owns the place.

I thought it'd be a good
idea if I got Dave over,

We photograph the girls
as we interview them.

That way we'll be
able to remember exactly.

What they look like,

And like, we charge 'em for
the pictures at the same time.

You're not the one
who's the virgin, are you?

Listen, I tell you what,
next time I'm on the job

I'll give you a buzz.

And if you're doing nothing,
pop round and have a look.

Dave! He's
great. He really is.

Well, it's like anything else.

If you wanna be any good
you've, you've gotta keep it up.

Clive, please.

I forgot to tell you.

Four of your friends
are in the bedroom.

Friends?

You don't mind, do you?

This is my boyfriend, Daniel.

Oh, boyfriend.

Well, I thought as
you and I are supposed.

To be working
together on this script,

This would make the
most marvelous meeting.

Place for Daniel and I.

Ambrose will never
suspect anything here, I'm sure.

It's not going to
put you out at all, is it?

No. No, of course
not. Fine, fine.

Er,

Would you excuse
me for a moment?

Clive? Clive.

Get them out of
here for God's sake,

There's someone at the door!

Who is it?

Me, Dennis.

What's all that, then?

It's Clive. He's
having a casting sess...

Oh, don't ask me.

Yeah, well, I
brought Brendan along.

To have a quick chat
over some visual ideas

I've come up with. He's
gonna be my cameraman.

Look, I can't be too long
and I've got Hermione.

And her mother
waiting outside in the car.

Okay, let's get done some work.

Clive, please!

Can't you do it in the kitchen?

Please! In the
bedroom, please!

And keep the noise down.

Dennis, I just came up to
see if you were ready yet.

Yes. I'll be down in a minute.

Lady Longhorn these,
this is Harris Tweedle.

He's writing the script.

I've heard
so much about it from Dennis already.

It does sound exciting.

And who is
interested in birds then?

That's Harris.
He's into birds.

Such a charming hobby.

My late husband was
a keen ornithologist.

He specialized in tits.

Dennis, I just left poor
Hermione driving round the block.

You'd hardly left us
before a most unpleasant.

Traffic warden came
up and moved us on.

Still, you can't argue
with the law, I suppose.

So you've finished your
little business chat, have you?

Yes. I was
just a talk with Harris about the script,

But we can do it later.

What was that?

It's the phone. Oh.

Right then.
Shall we head off?

Some guy called
Benny U. Murdoch?

He said he's got another backer.

Another backer!

Well, well, it just
goes to show, doesn't it?

People don't mind putting
money into family films.

You see, as a merchant
banker, I never speculate.

Now, as far as
films are concerned,

I've studied the market
carefully over the years,

And it would appear that a
very definite pattern emerges.

In fact, it seems there's
only one particular kind of film.

That is continuously
successful in making money.

You're absolutely
right, Vernon. Sex films.

No.

Well, there's kung
fu pictures, I suppose.

No.

Musicals?

No.

Westerns.

You're absolutely right, Vernon.

I didn't like to mention that.

Now I have an idea
that would positively.

Clean up at the box office.

The first all-British Western.

Isn't that amazing, lads?

I didn't like to
mention that because.

It just so happens I've
got two thirds of the money.

And a script for the
first all-British Western,

Called Eskimo Nell.

Yes. Well, I could
well be interested.

In putting up the final third.

You do and
you won't go far wrong, I can tell you.

All-British Western?
Clean up at the box office.

Queuing up, they
will. Queuing up.

I take it as producer you're
experienced in the genre?

Oh, you don't need
to worry about that.

We'll have birds with bloody
great genres, I can tell you.

You have made
westerns before then?

Hm? "Cowboy
On The Job," that was one of mine.

And I did actually
do a highly-praised.

Documentary on
the American Civil War.

"Hot, Hard
and Horny."

We had a marvelous woman
playing Abraham Lincoln's wife.

Yes. Remarkable genre.
Silicone job, I think it was.

We could have had an
Academy Award for that,

If it hadn't been seized by
the customs on the way in.

Yes, I was thinking more
of films like "High Noon",

"Son of Cochise".

I did a follow-up to
that. "Keep it Up Hiawatha".

Retained for a second week
that was, in Kuala Lampur.

What about you,
Dennis? What have you directed before?

Well, uh...

You don't have
to worry about Dennis.

Oh no, no. He's
gonna be very big.

Gonna be very big, Vernon.

He's what we call a
brilliant young newcomer.

That's what Dennis is.
Brilliant young newcomer.

What about you?

He's a brilliant young
newcomer and all.

Yes. Yes.
Very artistic.

Yes. Well, as I said earlier,

I could well be
interested in putting.

Up money behind a Western.

And you have
a girl who you want to play the lead?

Good Lord. No.

Johnny?

Johnny is the most
marvelous drag artist.

He'd be quite perfect as Nell.

Now as I see it, I think
the film should be very violent.

With lots of pretty boys in it,

All having their
bottoms smacked.

I want a good death scene,

And I want to
shoot lots of people.

Dennis, you're the
director. How do you see it?

I was thinking it'd
be quite nice.

To set it in winter maybe.

Oh yes. And I
could wear lots of lovely furs and things.

Exactly. Rather in
the style of "Dr. Zhivago."

Oh! I could have
a lovely Julie Christie wig.

Fur-clad figures set
against vast panoramas.

Whining shite.

- Shining white.
- Exactly.

Personally, I think I
prefer it set in the summer,

Then all the cowboys
can wear tight jeans.

And keep taking
their shirts off.

I can't do it Benny,
I just can't do it!

Look, I am not
capable of writing the first.

All-British pornographic
kung fu musical western.

Especially when three
different girls and a drag queen.

All seem to believe they're
gonna be playing the same part.

Don't worry.

It doesn't matter how many
people are playing the part.

And give the part to Gladys.

But that's dishonest! 'Course it isn't.

It's the film business.

Look, you're just an artist.

You don't
understand these things.

Just you get that script done,

So I can go around and
get the checks. Alright?

Oh, by the way,

Did you both sign those
contracts when I asked you to?

Oh, Benny, you are
clever understanding.

All those long business words.

Yeah, well that's
'cause I keep myself fit.

You see, keep my mind alert.

So if you wanna make
it easier on yourself,

All you have to do is make
three entirely different scripts.

All entitled Eskimo Nell.

If you can have that done by
the weekend, that'd be great.

Now, the first shot of
the film is a big close-up.

Of a bleedin'
great pair of tits!

But do it with integrity.

Acting? As long
as she drops 'em,

Who the hell cares
whether she can act or not?

And so the gunfighter
guns him down, brutally,

Rolls the dying boy over,

And then he smacks his bottom.

But do it tastefully.

Why are whippings popular?

Yeah. Well
I'll tell you,

I think there's a little bit
of the masochist in us all.

Then she chops him,
then he chops her,

While they're singing this duet,

And then along
comes this other man.

And he's a really big chopper.

Hey, I can't
remember all that lot.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't want dialogue.

It's boring!

Anyway, I can't
pronounce half of it.

Psychology, character.
You don't want any of that.

But...

You take my word
for it, young Harris.

Talking, boring.
Action, tits!

That's the secret of it.

I'm speaking
totally objectively.

I think it needs
lots more pretty boys.

All wearing skin
tight white jeans,

And lots more botty smacking,
to provide some human interest.

All this social comment
you've gotten in it about.

Pollution and how it's killing
off various kind of penguins.

Dear boy, the public
don't want that sort of thing.

They want escapism. Penguins?
Who cares about penguins?

Penguins.

Crap!

You're too arty.

Take this scene
with a shy, young virgin.

Please be gentle.

No man has ever
made love to me before,

And I'm just a
little frightened.

Why can't you just say I
ain't never been fucked before?

I finished.

I've actually finished!

Shh!

Deliver all the scripts okay?

I'll get you both a stiff drink.

So there's
no trouble with the scripts anymore?

Very stiff drink.

And they put the
checks in the bank, alright?

Two very large stiff drinks.

So we're ready to
start shooting then?

Two triple scotches, please.

Well, I know we've got
to do casting first of all,

But after that...

Neat.

So what did Benny say?

He didn't.

You mean, he doesn't know
the money's in the bank yet?

- He knows.
- So what did he say?

He didn't.

He's pissed off with the lot.

Apparently no sooner
was the money banked.

Than he withdrew it and
cleared off with Gladys.

And there's worse.

You know those
contracts he got you to sign?

They make you wholly
responsible for every single penny.

So you can either return the
money to your three backers.

Out of your own pockets,

Or else you make them the
picture each of them is expecting.

But how can we if we
haven't got the money?

Exactly.

Even if Benny hadn't
run off with the money,

There still wouldn't be enough
to make three completely.

Different versions.

How the hell
did he intend to do it?

Obviously he didn't!

Maybe if we explain
what had happened...

I've tried.

Remember, you are
the ones who are legally.

Committed to make
the film. Not Benny.

Yours are the only
signatures on the contract.

That was another film I saw.

"The Birdman of Alcatraz".

Look, I'm not exactly
clear as to what's happened,

But from what I can gather,

You haven't got the
money to make the film.

Is that right?

And if you don't get
it, you're in trouble.

Alright?

Well, I was just wondering
whether mommy would be interested.

Mommy?

I must say, Dennis, from
what you told me the other day,

I'd say it was a great
shame if such a lovely.

Family film couldn't be made.

After all, I represent a
vast minority of people.

In this country who are
clamoring for a total ban.

On anything other than
nice, wholesome stories.

Especially with
me playing the lead.

Exactly.

What could be more
wholesome than the right honorable

Hermione Longhorn
as Eskimo Nell?

Jeremy, what do
you think, darling?

You're the creative
member of the family.

Oh mommy, really!

Now Jeremy, don't be modest.

You know, daddy
wouldn't have approved.

He didn't approve of
modesty, my late husband.

Don't conceal what you feel.

Get it out and flash it
about, was his motto.

He was in the House
of Lords, you know?

Well, I think, what I think is,

This is the sort of film the
society ought to be promoting.

After all,

This is what we're always
campaigning for, isn't it?

I must say, it would be
rather fun to do a film,

Wouldn't it?

Hey Jeremy, you used to
do a spot of acting at Harrow,

Didn't you?

Only in the school
dramatic society, of course.

Though, I er, did play
Hamlet just before I left.

Hey, now don't you think
it'd be an awfully jolly idea.

If you cast Jeremy
as Dead Eyed Dick?

Especially with me
playing Eskimo Nell.

We do do an awful
lot together, don't we?

Yes, they do an
awful lot together. Yes.

Well, I haven't
actually done it for ages,

But I'm sure I
could get it up in time.

The Society for Moral
Reform presents Hermione Longhorn.

In "Eskimo Nell."

Does sound
rather grand, doesn't it?

Hey, I might even get
my picture in the color supplements.

Splendid! I'll inform the
committee tomorrow evening,

And then, off we'll go!

Oh, I think this calls for
another cup of tea, don't you?

You see, darling?
Problem solved.

Problem starting.

Listen, I don't give a damn
where the money's coming from,

So long as you fulfill
that contract you signed,

And make me a good
hardcore pornographic movie, okay?

Or I'll sue you for
every cent you got!

I think my name oughta
be a little bigger, don't you?

By the way, I'd like to be
in on the casting sessions.

I pride myself on having
quite an eye for spotting talent.

In fact, remember the other
day I was waiting for someone.

In a public lavatory,
when I spotted this boy,

And I promise you he had a
magnetism that stuck out a mile.

All he needed, I'm sure,
was someone behind him.

Giving him a helping
hand in the right places.

Yes, I, I don't
somehow feel that the artist.

Has really captured my own
Millicent's particular charisma.

I couldn't agree more
sir, if I said so myself.

But perhaps you
could get the artist.

To touch her up a bit.

An excellent idea, Mr. Cream.

Do stop
being such a creepy little prick, Rudolph.

And tell me, have you
ever done films before?

Theater, possibly?

Television?

Have you ever
done any acting before?

Never?

Show us your tits, then.

Well, I played a small part in.

"The Phantom Flasher
of Clapham Common."

I don't know if you saw it.

I was the one that got raped.

In the back of
the ice cream van.

It was a character
part. Innit hot in here?

I played a schoolgirl in.

"Secrets of a
Door-to-Door Rubber Freak."

And then I was the lead in
"Confessions of a Bondage Girl."

Oh, I played a cameo role in
"Naughty Nora, the Whip Lady."

And then I was
going to play a part in.

"The Erotic
Fantasies of Moby Dick."

I was to play the title
role, but it fell through.

Of course, I'll only strip
off if the part calls for it.

The point is, you're
gonna have to strip off.

Oh, that's all right.
And do sex scenes.

- Oh yes. I don't mind that.
- In lots of different ways.

Yes, that's fine.

But it's quite
a good acting part.

Acting? Acting? You
didn't say I'd have to act.

Look, I don't mind
getting screwed,

But I'm not doing
any of that acting stuff.

What sort of girl
would you take me for?

Well, in the script you see,

This girl, which is the part
we're thinking of you for,

She, she's in this room,
which is all white, you see?

Anyway, this man
comes in, a Dead Eyed Dick.

And he's swinging...

And it's a
beautifully-written scene.

Well, he gets
this vegetable marrow.

You see?

And and the whole thing
is complete psychological,

Beautifully written, er.

Well anyway, what happens is...

What happens is,
she strips off and gets fucked.

But it's a good part.

When I left RADA, I did
a couple of years in rep,

Coventry and
Manchester and so on,

And I did a season with the
Royal Shakespeare Company,

Followed by a couple of
Checkov plays at the national.

Oh, and just before that I
played Lady Macbeth at Bristol.

Quiet! Quiet everybody.

Stand by, we're ready to shoot.

Now remember Jeremy,

You symbolize the dialectical
collection of opposites,

Coming to a listless
distance on reality.

If you can think of
your part in these terms,

I think we'll find it a
lot easier to understand.

Charlie, can you turn them
around to face the other way?

I really want to feel those
colors surging outwards.

In their social
environment of snow.

Okay, Brendan?

Well, let's have
quiet everybody.

I want absolute silence.

Eskimo Nell scene one, take one.

Piss off!

Action!

Sorry. Cut!

Scene one, take two.

Action!

Grandfather,
Grandfather, I'm back.

My dear little Eskimo Nell.

I've got a big
surprise in store for you.

What do you think it could be?

Oh Grandfather,
I do love surprises.

What would you do
if I told you it was...

Dick?

Not?

Not, your Dick?

Yes child.

It's Dead Eyed Dick.
Your childhood sweetheart.

Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, I'm frightfully sorry,

But I appear to
have got myself stuck.

Cut!

Lenny?

Eskimo Nell -
scene 12, take three.

Action.

Oh Grandpa, Grandma,

What wonderful
presents you've given me.

It's the happiest
birthday I've had.

Since I left the orphanage.

Now it's
my turn to give you a little something.

Oh Dick!

Shall I get it out now
and show it to you?

Oh yes, please!

It's rather a big one.

I'm so excited. I can't
wait. Whatever can it be?

I know it's something
you've always wanted.

Every time you use it, I
want you to think of me.

And how I used to play with you.

When we were little together.

It's just what
I've always wanted.

Shall I put it up now?

No! Let me do it for you.

Cut!

Jeremy! You were
absolutely stunning.

It was like like
habit all over again.

Alright everybody,
that's it for today. Home.

Of course. This is going to
be much more a critics film.

Than a purely commercial piece.

Yes, I must say it
all looked quite artistic.

Now, I want you to remember
your motivation in this scene.

Psychologically, you
are about to suffer rigors.

Of perceptual and conceptual
imperialism and so forth.

Okay, Dave?

I just thought maybe you
could have written in a scene.

Where I make some kinda
political comment, yunno,

Iike maybe about the
plight of the Red Indians.

Back home or somethin'?

But I guess that's
not really as commercial.

As getting laid
all the time, huh?

Drop it a bit.

Eskimo Nell scene 69, take two.

He was a great artist.

And a bloody good screw.

Why couldn't I
take over the part?

I've been watching
the way he does it,

And I'm sure I could
manage just as well.

Yeah.
Alright, Simon.

I know I haven't had as
much experience as Dave,

But I am good.

Yeah, okay Simon.

And I could get you references.

I know lots of girls who
tell you what I'm like.

Yeah, I'm not doubting that.

Look, I'll show you.

Get me a girl and I'll show you.

Look Simon, I really
don't have the time, okay?

Well, at least let
me audition for it.

Simon, I'm right in the
middle of trying to create.

A great artistic
masterpiece at the moment,

And I really do
not have the time.

How about understudy?

Look, go and
sort it out with Clive.

He's the casting director.

Why don't you go and ask him?

Hey, what'd you think?

Now, I want
you to try and think.

In terms of the revolutionary
process and the alienation.

Within the
stereotypism of populism.

Well, I'd love to Denny darling,

But these jeans
are so frigging tight,

I can hardly move in 'em.

Yes well, they're
symbolic of neo-realistic.

Guerilla warfare.

For all I know
is, if I make a sudden move in them,

I'm liable to do
meself a permanent injury.

The last entrance I
shall make up center.

Know what I mean?

Doesn't look too camp, does it?

No. No, not at all.

Annie, I've got this lovely
Judy Garland wig at home.

Perhaps I should
have brought that?

Uh, Eskimo Nell,
scene 82, take one.

Action.

Hello er, cowboy.

Okay Nell, now I knows it was
you who put Pete 'n me inside.

Cut!

Eskimo Nell, scene 82, take two.

Action.

Hello cowboy.

Okay Nell, now I knows it was
you who put Pete and me inside.

Cut. Cut!

Oh shit!
I told you they were too bloody tight!

Maggie, love?

Exhibitionist.

Scene 82, take forty-seven.

Action!

Hello er, cowboy.

Okay, Nell.

Now I know what was
you put Pete and me inside.

Okay, Dick.

Up.

Right up.

More.

Okay, drop em Pete.

And action.

You can't finish me!

You can't finish me!

My director, I demand
to see my director instantly!

But madam...

Never in my entire
professional career.

Have I worked in
such appalling conditions.

I asked for a car to meet me
at the airport. What happens?

No car.

That was Harris.
He, he ran out of petrol.

I always have a car and
flowers. I always have flowers.

I didn't have time to pick any.

Oh! At La Scala Milan
I couldn't get into my dressing room.

Because of the flowers.

Here, I have no dressing
room. Oh, it's outrageous.

I demand to see my director.

Never, never in
the whole of my life.

Have I been
treated so, insulted so,

Abased and affronted so.

I shall have a nervous
breakdown. That's what I should do.

I shall have a
nervous breakdown.

I can feel one
coming on right away.

I'm a sensitive artist,
don't you understand?

Sensitive! Sensitive!

Last year at Glyndebourne,
I was that sensitive,

They had to sack five directors.

There you are darling.

And who might you be?

Dennis? I'm the director.

Director. You are very
young to be a director.

Oh, you must be
so talented to hold down.

Such a tremendous position.

But that face! So
angelic, so appealing.

You must be very sensitive.

Oh, I am, I am.

Yes. Like me, so
sensible. So vulnerable.

Those eyes, so gentle.
Oh! How we artists suffer.

How I have suffered!

But then you
know about suffering.

Yes. I can see
you're sensitive.

You have such very hairy arms.

My seventh
husband had hairy arms.

Oh! He was
terribly hairy all over.

There's something
about hair that inspires me.

If you know what I'm getting at.

Well, uh...

This part you
have for me, is it big?

It's very symbolic.

Quiet, everybody quiet.

Eskimo Nell kung
fu version, take thirty-eight.

And action.

Dear sister Nell, you
are much too much.

Of a flibbertigibbet ever
to be a successful nun.

Why don't you stick to
running up and down hillsides.

All day, singing your head off?

It's true.

I do like to feel the
cool fresh wind in my hair.

Some enchanted evening.

As I said, you are
not cut out to be a nun.

Why don't you take
up that governess' job.

Teaching Captain Dead
Eyed Dick's twenty-nine pupils.

At his kung fu school in
beautiful snowy Alaska?

Oh, wouldn't it be lovely?

A room somewhere far
away from the cold night air,

And twenty-nine kung fu pupils.

What more could
a nun ask for in life?

Climb every mountain,
ford every stream.

Follow that yellow brick road,

And you could be there
by sunrise or sunset.

Oh, I
will. I will!

Hai!

Kung fu version take 76.

Action!

Gee kids, here's a swell barn.

We could do the
class right here!

Now then, let's start
at the very beginning,

A very good place to start.

Hai!

Kung
fu version. Take 97.

Action.

All these years Nell,

You thought I was just your
dear old Daddy Dead Eyed.

Who'd been paying for
you to attend the convent,

And who you had
never met before.

It was because I
was too shy to tell you.

That I really love you.

Prince Mexican
Pete! Of Lichtenstein!

Not long ago I was awfully blue.

No one to talk
with and nothing to do.

Now you are here holding me near, ♪

And I can't think of
anything other than you.

Swinging, swaying, dancing.

♪ Living,
loving, romancing

Until the sun
came prancing ♪

I'll have moonlight
in my heart ♪

Swinging, swaying, dancing ♪

Living, loving, romancing.

Until the sun comes prancing

I'll have moonlight
in my heart ♪

Oh
My God, he's gone and ruptured himself.

I feel my part needs
enriching in the middle passages.

With maybe a slight
rallentando or perhaps.

A little bit of
Madame Butterfly. Woo!

Perhaps you could write
in a good mad part for me.

My Lucia di Lammermoor
had to be seen to be believed.

Oh!

Oh, bollocks.

Not long ago I was awfully blue.

No one to talk to
with and nothing to do.

Now you are here,
holding me near.

And I can't of
anything other than you.

Whatever happened to the
skinny little girl with pigtails.

Who used to sit
on ice caps at night.

Stroking her little pussy?

♪ Living,
loving, dancing

Yeah, but what's my
motivation for having an erection?

♪ Living,
loving, dancing

Yeah, but what's my
motivation for having an erection?

Yeah, but what's my
motivation for having an erection?

Denny darling. I got the
one with a bent nozzle again.

I will not work
with a bent nozzle.

You wanna watch it, you do.

You will end up like
that horse over there.

What do you mean?

Mounted and stuffed.

Oh! Queen.

Swinging, swaying, dancing.

♪ Living,
loving, romancing

Until the sun comes prancing

I'll have moonlight
in my heart ♪

You should have been
at the private screening.

Yesterday Bishop,
you would've enjoyed it.

I don't recall having been
so deeply affected by a film.

For a long time,

It really is quite charming
and totally inoffensive.

In fact, I'd go so far as
to predict that Eskimo Nell.

Will become a
film classic in time.

Hmm. I wish I'd been
able to come along.

And see it for myself, but
unfortunately I was tied up.

With a curate from
literature all morning.

The sort of film you could
take your maiden aunt to,

Without fear of embarrassment.

In fact, it, it's quite
refreshing to see something.

Not full of naked women,

Girls, young girls
taking off their clothes,

Showing their, flaunting
their bodies, naked bodies.

It's disgusting.

Quite, Lord
Holden. Quite.

And Jeremy is quite wonderful in it,
aren't you darling?

Oh mommy!
Obviously.

No, no.
I mean it.

You reminded me of a
young Lionel Barrymore.

When you were up
there on the screen.

Oh, mummy!

I think for our first
venture into films,

We really have backed
a winner, as they say.

Something you can
take the whole family to.

Without being
weirded in any way.

Pure escapism.
That's what,

That's what going to
the cinema is all about.

Not all this,
pornography and sex.

Distorting innocent young minds.

I know, I've studied
pornography over the years,

And I know what
effect it can have on you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

On behalf of the
Society for Moral Reform,

I'd just like to take this
opportunity to thank Dennis,

And his friends, for having
produced such a truly charming.

And delightful film for us.

And now I have some
wonderful news for you.

As you know, we've
been trying to arrange.

A charity premiere
for some time.

Well, this morning I received
word that our very own film,

"Eskimo Nell", has been
chosen for the royal charity.

Performance the
day after tomorrow!

You're late! That
the film you got with you?

Hi. Am I in
all those 'lil cans?

You will
be, unless you shit up and sit down.

I just wanna see my
"day-but" on the silver screen.

Will - Billie, you shut up?

So the film turned out okay, eh?

Yes. Thank you.

Just as long as it's
good and pornographic.

Yes. Yes.

Did you shoot that scene
with the giant chocolate.

Dildo, like I asked?

Yes, it's all in there.

Hey, do you know
that somebody went and stole our title?

There's a film
opening tomorrow night,

And it's got exactly
the same name!

Eskimo Nell.

Was in the papers this
morning right above the funnies.

Well, I guess we'll have
to think up another title.

Yeah, like maybe "I'm Curious
Snowy" or somethin', huh?

Oh Billie, will you shut up.

And let us get on
with the screening?

And if I haven't got a hard-on
by the end of the first reel,

I'll want to know
the reason why.

Hang around a bit.
I'll soon get rid of him.

Hello. I just
thought I'd pop round.

To see if I can help out at
the premiere tomorrow night.

What? Well,
I don't know, do I?

Look, Harris isn't here
at the moment, so perhaps...

Oh, that's all right.
I don't mind waiting.

- Oh.
- You better now?

Better? Oh yeah, yeah.
It's healed up okay.

I didn't mean to chop
you with my clapper.

It's just, well you
sort of had it pointing.

In the wrong
direction when I banged it.

Look Simon, I'm a
bit busy right now.

Do you think you could come
back later when Harris is here?

Yes, of course.
It's just, well,

I don't suppose
you'd know if there are.

Any spare tickets
going, would you?

Only I've never been
to a premiere before.

Well, I don't
know. Do I?

Yeah. What is
this, a deputation?

He followed me upstairs.

Is this flat H,
mate? Harris Tweedle?

Well, he's not in, he's,
he's out at the moment.

Only I was told to call around.

And pick up some
cans of film, special order.

Well, you better come in then.

Make it quick, will you?

Look Simon? Do me a
favor will you? Deal with this?

He's come for the
film for tomorrow night.

It's over
there. Look.

Let me see
now. Eskimo Nell.

What the hell's all this crap?

I mean, who's the fat
guy in the little boy suit?

Why aren't I up there huh?

Because you ain't come on yet,

So shut up and watch the screen.

Sheesh.

So why ain't she drop 'em yet?

Look, I can explain!

And who's Patrick the Penguin?

I can't remember being
screwed by a penguin.

I don't want any explanations.

I want to see tits and asses.

I remember the bit
with the polar bear.

But we've got it all.

It just has been
a terrible mistake.

Don't gimme
any of that bullshit.

I ain't interested.

So how come I ain't
appeared yet huh?

Billie, will you knock it off.

And let me lose my temper
in peace and quiet for once?

Hey!
Where'd they go?

Kung fu version,
Western version.

It's not here.
- Where the hell is it?

Have you lost something?

The pornographic
version. It was here.

Harris, the stupid great prick.

Picked up the
wrong one for Big Dick.

What's up?

The family
version? Where is it?

Well, the chap came and
picked it up about an hour ago.

Ask Simon.
He dealt with it.

Did I do something wrong?

They'll show
the pornographic version.

At the premiere tomorrow night.

Harris, will you stop
worrying for God's sake?

All we've gotta do is to
phone up and get it back.

And give them the right one.

Clive!

Clive's right. Will
you stop panicking?

Are you getting through yet?
- It's ringing.

I'm sorry if I've
messed things up you.

Yeah all right Simon, just go make
some coffee, okay?

It's all my fault.

Harris, don't you start.

Hello? Uh, yeah.

I wonder if you could help me.

Yes?

Yes.

I dunno mate.
They've all gone home.

They won't be
back 'til the morning.

I'm just the night watchman.

Yeah, I just gotta...

Eskimo what?

Nell. No, it's for the
premiere tomorrow.

It's perfectly all right.
Now, we made the film,

But there there's been
a slight mix-up you see.

You've got the wrong version.

Yeah, yeah. Well I
don't know about that mate.

I mean the bloke you wanna
speak to is Mr. Hawthorne,

But he's on holiday. He
should be back on Monday.

Look, if we brought the right
version over in the morning,

Say about... what do you mean
have we got the right forms?

We made the bloody thing!

Look mate, all I'm saying is,

If it's for the
command performance,

You've gotta have a letter
of authority from the, er,

From the owners and
they're the, hang on a minute.

Here we are. Eskimo Nell,
the Society for Moral Reform.

No no mate, you have to
have a letter of authority.

From them before I can
release any cans of film.

This is ridiculous!

Do you mean to say we can't
even have our own film back?

Look mate, I'm very sorry,

But if it's for the
do tomorrow night,

That film will be under lock
and key 'til gets to the cinema.

We've got
to have a letter from Lady Longhorn.

Before they'll let have it.

You're joking. No way.

Could you gimme a few details.

Of the exact procedure, please?

Look, there must be some
way we can switch the versions.

We are done for.

Now the van with
the cans of film in it.

Should arrive down this road
on its way to the cinema there.

Now then Dennis, you and
Harris will drive along here.

In car number one and drive
around here to this point here.

Right. So let's
get it straight.

The moment I give
three blasts on the whistle,

That's your signal, Clive,
to fake the crash here.

You distract the
van driver, so that Harris.

Can jump out from under the
blanket and switch the versions.

Now, what can possibly go wrong?

Hey Arthur,

Eskimo Nell for
the royal premiere.

My car!
Look at my car!

Christ, must the wrong van!

Come on,
it must be at the cinema!

Stop the film! You've
got to stop the film!

You've got the wrong version!

You're too
late, mate. It's on.

- Hello Nell.
- Hello Dick.

You wanna fuck?

Hello there young Dennis.
What you doing here then?

I've made my
first film. That's what I'm doing in here.

Oh yeah. I got arrested
in London airport.

Bleeding customs
officer. I'll sue him.

That's what I'll do when
I get out. I'll sue him.

Well cheer up, young Harris.
It's not the end of the world.

Listen, there
are the three fellas.

That are on the board
of prison governors.

I've already had a word
with 'em about the money.

Now I've done this deal
to do a co-production.

With a women's
prison all the way.

Marvelous idea for a picture.
Tell me what you think of it?

Prison sex.

The thing is,

We've gotta use the
governor's wife in the lead part.

And the only problem is,
she's got such bloody awful tits.

♪ And they
nearly made it

♪ But now you've
heard me tell

About the
trials and tribulations.

Of the makings of Eskimo Nell