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As the good Lord said:
Love thy neighbour as thyself ...
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unless he's Turkish,
in which case, kill the bastard!
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- Farewell, dear Harry.
- Farewell, Father.
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Edward.
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My Lord...
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- ...with the King gone...
- Hmm?
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Of course!
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At last, the chance
for some real power!
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I want you scum
back to the castle by sundown
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or you'll be slaughtered! Onward!
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Come on! Come on!
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00:02:04,098 --> 00:02:08,569
Shut up! And you can keep quiet -
I've had enough of you.
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Shut up!
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Right, come on, you...
Where are you going?
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Stop! Where are you going?
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No, not away from the castle,
towards it!
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Shut up!
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Splendid! Splendid!
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You're not supposed to be here!
That's far enough. Get out!
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If I could get my hands
on that bastard Harry!
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Ah, Edmund!
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Edmund!
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There you are! Splendid news,
Edmund! Father's coming home!
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He writes here that
he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.
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We can celebrate
both events together.
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I shall handle
the visiting royalty, of course,
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and the papal legate,
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and you can sort out the frolics.
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The frolics?
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00:03:10,663 --> 00:03:15,454
Yes. The morris dancers,
eunuchs and the bearded women.
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Traditional
St Leonard's Day entertainments.
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Damnation! I won't have enough time
to attend to the drains. Edmund!
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00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:26,256
You'll have to look into those.
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00:03:26,344 --> 00:03:28,575
Er... yes... yes.
Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!
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00:03:28,665 --> 00:03:31,896
Good! You won't let me down?
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00:03:31,985 --> 00:03:35,773
No, no, no, I'm really
looking forward to it already.
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Thank you so very much.
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Splendid!
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Twelve months of chasing sheep
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and straightening
the royal portraits, and now this!
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The bastard.
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The bastard!
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If only he were, My Lord.
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What?
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If only he were a bastard,
My Lord,
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then you would be regent now.
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00:04:02,947 --> 00:04:06,145
Ah, yes! And then one day...
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...you would be king, My Lord.
49
00:04:08,868 --> 00:04:10,301
Ah, yes!
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00:04:10,388 --> 00:04:12,618
Yes, I would be king.
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00:04:12,708 --> 00:04:14,585
Then what?
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00:04:14,668 --> 00:04:17,580
You'd rule the world, My Lord!
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Precisely!
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It's not fair, you know.
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Every other woman
in the court has bastards,
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but not my mother, oh, no.
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She's so pure,
she daren't look down,
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in case she notices
her own breasts.
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00:04:31,909 --> 00:04:36,506
You must be looking forward
to the King's return, Your Majesty.
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00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:38,545
No.
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No, My Lady? But think,
he will come to your chamber
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and make mad,
passionate love to you.
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00:04:45,991 --> 00:04:48,824
Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.
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00:04:48,911 --> 00:04:53,541
It's very difficult to sleep
with that kind of thing going on.
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Used all night,
like the outside of a sausage roll.
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00:04:57,551 --> 00:05:02,990
Still, there's the St Leonard's Day
celebrations to look forward to -
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00:05:03,072 --> 00:05:05,632
the jesters, the jugglers...
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00:05:05,712 --> 00:05:10,502
A great brown ox, steaming
and smouldering all night long.
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00:05:10,592 --> 00:05:12,948
Oh, yes! The feast!
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Sorry?
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No, I was thinking
of something else.
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00:05:16,913 --> 00:05:21,509
I hope they've got
the morris dancers - I love them.
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Yes. I like the eunuchs.
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Oh, yes!
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The eunuchs!
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I wish I owned one.
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I wish I'd married one.
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00:05:34,394 --> 00:05:39,423
No, fine, fine. Could have happened
to anyone. Never mind, never mind.
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Oh, God.
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00:05:41,435 --> 00:05:44,268
I don't believe it.
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We've only one act,
and she's shaved her beard off.
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00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,834
There's the eunuchs.
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00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:54,865
Oh, yes - and the amazing
beardless woman. What a line-up!
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00:05:54,956 --> 00:05:58,187
Percy, there must be someone else!
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00:05:58,276 --> 00:06:00,506
The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!
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00:06:01,556 --> 00:06:04,117
- What do they do?
- They jump, My Lord.
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00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,630
What?
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They come in, My Lord,
and they jump.
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00:06:08,637 --> 00:06:10,707
A lot. It's a humorous act.
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00:06:10,797 --> 00:06:13,755
There must be
something else, surely.
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00:06:13,837 --> 00:06:17,308
Ha! What's this?
"The Death Of The Pharaoh."
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00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:21,914
"Sir Dominic Prick and his
Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies
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"perform the tragic masterpiece
The Death Of The Pharaoh."
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How funny!
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I found it very moving.
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It had better be funny,
or Prick gets his comeuppance!
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Jerry Merryweather
and his four chickens?
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00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:39,508
What do they do? Lay eggs?
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00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,714
Yes, My Lord.
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00:06:41,799 --> 00:06:44,997
We'll have them.
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00:06:56,481 --> 00:06:58,870
What is it, My Lord?
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00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:02,795
- The eunuchs have cancelled.
- Oh, dear.
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00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:06,920
Ha! I should have known!
Never trust a eunuch!
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00:07:07,001 --> 00:07:08,434
What shall we do?
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00:07:08,521 --> 00:07:11,514
I know. Baldrick,
give me an execution order.
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00:07:11,602 --> 00:07:14,116
I'm going to teach them a lesson.
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00:07:14,202 --> 00:07:18,912
I'll remove whatever extraneous
parts of their bodies still remain!
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00:07:20,842 --> 00:07:23,960
- My Lord...
- Take that to the Lord Chancellor.
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00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,191
This is desperate!
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00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:29,593
We could have
the morris dancers, My Lord.
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00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:33,756
Now, look.
We are not that desperate.
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00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:37,598
Morris dancing
is the most fatuous entertainment
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ever devised by man.
40 effeminate blacksmiths
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00:07:41,164 --> 00:07:44,122
waving a cloth
they've wiped their noses on!
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00:07:44,204 --> 00:07:47,435
How it's still going on,
I'll never know.
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00:07:48,525 --> 00:07:51,039
So... do you want them, or not?
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Ah, Edmund.
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And rest.
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Splendid.
How are the rest coming along?
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00:08:06,366 --> 00:08:08,880
Very, very well indeed.
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00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:13,164
Um... I think it's going to have
a slightly... spartan look.
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What? Greek?
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00:08:14,447 --> 00:08:17,564
Er... Yes, that's right,
a Greek look.
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00:08:17,647 --> 00:08:21,435
- Good. Everyone turning up?
- Oh, absolutely everyone.
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00:08:21,527 --> 00:08:26,726
So many, in fact, that I'm afraid
I've had to let the eunuchs go.
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00:08:26,808 --> 00:08:29,083
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
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00:08:29,168 --> 00:08:30,203
No?
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00:08:30,288 --> 00:08:34,201
No! That won't do at all!
Not on St Leonard's Day.
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00:08:34,288 --> 00:08:37,644
Because... correct me
if I'm wrong, Lord Percy -
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00:08:37,728 --> 00:08:40,607
St Leonard himself was an eunuch.
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00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:44,568
Ye-e-e-s, that's right.
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00:08:48,329 --> 00:08:51,924
Well, I thought
it might be more tactful...
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00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:52,965
No, no.
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00:08:53,050 --> 00:08:57,043
To leave out the eunuchs on
St Leonard's Day would be like...
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00:08:57,170 --> 00:09:01,049
leaving out morris dancers
or the bearded women!
136
00:09:02,850 --> 00:09:07,879
Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus,
the supreme commander, is expected
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00:09:07,971 --> 00:09:11,680
and eunuchs
are his particular favourite.
138
00:09:12,771 --> 00:09:15,410
He's Scottish, you see.
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00:09:15,491 --> 00:09:17,607
Ah.
140
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:21,367
Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund.
Carry on!
141
00:09:25,252 --> 00:09:28,164
So! Some carrot-faced,
thistle-arsed
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00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:33,122
Scottish orang-utan
wants a eunuch, does he?
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00:09:33,213 --> 00:09:36,762
- He's a great warrior.
- That's what they all say.
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00:09:36,853 --> 00:09:40,528
Barbarians! Half of them
can't even speak English.
145
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,889
- What do they speak?
- It's all Greek to me.
146
00:09:43,973 --> 00:09:45,726
They speak Greek?
147
00:09:45,814 --> 00:09:47,884
No. I mean it sounds like Greek.
148
00:09:47,974 --> 00:09:50,204
Then it probably is.
149
00:09:50,294 --> 00:09:52,364
It's not Greek.
150
00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:55,286
But it sounds like Greek.
151
00:09:55,374 --> 00:10:00,290
"What's not Greek, but sounds like
it?" That's a good one, My Lord.
152
00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:02,843
It's not a brain-teaser, Percy.
153
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:06,644
I mean, I cannot understand
a word they're saying.
154
00:10:06,735 --> 00:10:08,930
You never learned Greek!
155
00:10:10,055 --> 00:10:14,846
Percy... have you ever wondered
what your insides look like?
156
00:10:14,936 --> 00:10:17,450
Sometimes, My Lord, yes.
157
00:10:17,536 --> 00:10:22,007
I'd be willing to satisfy your
curiosity. Is that clear? Is it?
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00:10:22,096 --> 00:10:25,134
God, this Scotsman's
annoying me already.
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00:10:25,217 --> 00:10:27,208
I'm the Duke of Edinburgh!
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00:10:27,297 --> 00:10:29,492
Laird of Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles.
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00:10:29,577 --> 00:10:32,535
I can make things difficult for him.
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00:10:32,617 --> 00:10:34,528
As for these entertainments...
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00:10:34,617 --> 00:10:39,533
Baldrick, you've got a beard.
Get yourself a nice dress.
164
00:10:39,618 --> 00:10:40,846
Great, My Lord!
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00:10:40,938 --> 00:10:44,897
Percy, you'd better go
get Bernard the bear-baiter.
166
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,889
- Yes.
- Looks like we'll need him.
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00:10:46,978 --> 00:10:48,855
- Percy.
- Yes, My Lord?
168
00:10:48,938 --> 00:10:51,897
Tell him to bring a bear this time.
169
00:10:51,979 --> 00:10:55,574
The improvising
last year was pathetic.
170
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:01,453
Now, then, Mother.
A toast to Father's return.
171
00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:05,419
What the devil...?
172
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:09,254
- Dougal McAngus!
- Oh, but of course!
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00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:18,739
Noble Prince of Wales,
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00:11:18,821 --> 00:11:23,576
McAngus greets you and lays
at your feet the spoils of war.
175
00:11:25,181 --> 00:11:28,139
Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.
176
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:32,420
Behold! Treasures
torn from the torsos of a Turk.
177
00:11:32,502 --> 00:11:36,541
Oh, McAngus! It fills me
with joy and hope to see you.
178
00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:39,295
What news of my father, the King?
179
00:11:39,382 --> 00:11:43,501
He swore he'd be back
for St Leonard's - or die!
180
00:11:43,583 --> 00:11:47,132
God forfend!
We will pray for his safe passage.
181
00:11:47,223 --> 00:11:49,783
Join us. You must be starving.
182
00:11:49,863 --> 00:11:51,979
- And young Lochinvar?
- And him, too.
183
00:11:52,063 --> 00:11:53,416
Come on, Lochinvar!
184
00:12:01,264 --> 00:12:04,301
You must be
the King's wee rumpy-pumpy.
185
00:12:04,384 --> 00:12:07,501
- I am the Queen.
- I've got a message for ye.
186
00:12:07,584 --> 00:12:11,373
- My father sends his regards.
- Do I know him?
187
00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:13,854
I think you could say that.
188
00:12:13,945 --> 00:12:16,743
He's Donald McAngus,
third Duke of Argyll.
189
00:12:17,825 --> 00:12:19,258
Oh!
190
00:12:19,345 --> 00:12:22,338
Ah, Edmund!
191
00:12:22,426 --> 00:12:25,099
Edmund is providing
the entertainments.
192
00:12:25,186 --> 00:12:26,744
Ah, the eunuch!
193
00:12:29,386 --> 00:12:31,820
There's a groat for you.
194
00:12:31,906 --> 00:12:35,422
I am not a eunuch.
195
00:12:35,507 --> 00:12:38,419
- You sound like one.
- I am not a eunuch.
196
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,623
I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
197
00:12:40,707 --> 00:12:43,267
- Oh, you are?
- Yes!
198
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:48,376
Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish
as the Queen of England's tits!
199
00:12:49,548 --> 00:12:51,027
No offence.
200
00:12:51,108 --> 00:12:53,941
I'm sorry - you're in my chair.
201
00:12:54,028 --> 00:12:55,780
Don't apologise.
202
00:13:00,188 --> 00:13:04,182
Now we know each other,
I have an announcement.
203
00:13:04,269 --> 00:13:06,385
You're a eunuch as well?
204
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:09,859
McAngus, as reward
for your deeds in battle,
205
00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:14,785
my father here empowers me to grant
you anything you may desire of me.
206
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:17,828
If he's got sense,
he'll ask for a haircut.
207
00:13:17,910 --> 00:13:22,108
Brother, I'm honoured.
All I ask is a scrap of land.
208
00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:25,660
Grant me fair Selkirk
and the shire of Roxburgh.
209
00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:28,629
- What?
- By the power vested in me...
210
00:13:28,711 --> 00:13:33,501
Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip
my little fly in your ointment,
211
00:13:33,591 --> 00:13:37,470
but those lands do,
in fact, belong to me.
212
00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:39,030
Yes?
213
00:13:39,111 --> 00:13:42,627
Well... so... perhaps
he'd like to choose somewhere else.
214
00:13:42,712 --> 00:13:43,667
McAngus?
215
00:13:43,752 --> 00:13:46,027
No. I'll have
Roxburgh and Selkirk.
216
00:13:46,112 --> 00:13:48,228
That leaves Peebles!
217
00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:50,780
- Oh, aye! And Peebles.
- But, but...
218
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:52,510
Trying to say something?
219
00:13:52,592 --> 00:13:55,949
Well, I don't know.
Some people might say,
220
00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,944
"What an absurd idea,
221
00:13:58,033 --> 00:14:01,423
"giving away half of Scotland
to a kilted maniac,
222
00:14:01,513 --> 00:14:03,424
"for slaughtering
syphilitic Turks."
223
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:08,547
Au contraire, I say,
224
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:10,943
"Let's reward him."
225
00:14:11,034 --> 00:14:14,026
Good, good. So be it.
226
00:14:16,514 --> 00:14:18,584
Hurray!
227
00:14:24,835 --> 00:14:27,633
I'm going to kill him - now!
228
00:14:27,715 --> 00:14:30,627
- Who, My Lord?
- That Scottish weasel.
229
00:14:30,715 --> 00:14:31,831
Why, My Lord?
230
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:34,555
Because he's
a thieving Scottish weasel.
231
00:14:34,636 --> 00:14:36,035
- How?
- I'll stab him.
232
00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:37,185
Where?
233
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,666
In the Great Hall
and in the bladder.
234
00:14:40,756 --> 00:14:45,035
But... if you do it
in front of everybody,
235
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:47,187
won't they suspect something?
236
00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:48,710
Yes.
237
00:14:48,797 --> 00:14:50,753
Yes, a drawback.
238
00:14:50,837 --> 00:14:53,954
Yes, perhaps we need something...
239
00:14:54,037 --> 00:14:56,346
a little more cunning...
240
00:14:57,477 --> 00:15:01,790
- I have a cunning plan.
- I have a more cunning one.
241
00:15:01,878 --> 00:15:04,233
- Mine's pretty cunning.
- Not cunning enough.
242
00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:07,708
- Depends on how cunning you mean.
- Damn cunning!
243
00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:09,026
Mine's quite cunning.
244
00:15:09,118 --> 00:15:12,873
Oh, all right,
let's hear what's so damn cunning!
245
00:15:12,959 --> 00:15:15,712
You get him to come with you.
246
00:15:15,799 --> 00:15:20,634
Oh, brilliantly cunning. I ask him
to come, then stab him, perhaps?
247
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:23,392
- How cunning!
- No, you get a cannon...
248
00:15:23,479 --> 00:15:27,917
I see, and then get him to stick
his head in it and blow it off.
249
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,594
- Yes!
- Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's...
250
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,148
a wonderful idea...
251
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:38,190
No, I think I have a plan
which will give us a little more...
252
00:15:38,281 --> 00:15:40,272
entertainment.
253
00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:14,879
Aaargh!
254
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,526
Nnngaaargh!
255
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,923
Can I help ye?
256
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:12,284
Um, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.
257
00:17:12,368 --> 00:17:14,324
Good.
258
00:17:19,008 --> 00:17:21,807
I'm not in your way
over here, am I?
259
00:17:21,889 --> 00:17:22,765
No.
260
00:17:28,169 --> 00:17:30,319
Oh, there is just one thing.
261
00:17:30,409 --> 00:17:34,369
I wondered if you could
do me a little favour.
262
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:37,889
Uh-huh?
263
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:42,680
I wondered if you would help
with the celebrations tonight.
264
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,647
How? By staying away?
265
00:17:52,091 --> 00:17:54,605
Um... Well...
266
00:17:54,691 --> 00:17:59,242
Thing is, we were hoping
to present a mystery play
267
00:17:59,331 --> 00:18:02,483
by one of our
leading thespianic troupes
268
00:18:02,572 --> 00:18:07,248
but, unfortunately,
one of their number is ill, um...
269
00:18:07,332 --> 00:18:12,087
and I thought you'd be the perfect
person to take his place.
270
00:18:12,172 --> 00:18:14,129
Well, I warn ye...
271
00:18:15,573 --> 00:18:17,529
...I'm no actor.
272
00:18:17,613 --> 00:18:20,730
There shouldn't be
much acting required.
273
00:18:22,093 --> 00:18:25,529
It's an ancient Egyptian piece
274
00:18:25,613 --> 00:18:29,129
called "The Death Of The Scotsman".
275
00:18:29,214 --> 00:18:32,684
I'll have a crack at it.
276
00:18:32,774 --> 00:18:34,571
You could play the Scotsman,
277
00:18:34,654 --> 00:18:39,011
if you like, who dies
at the end of the play.
278
00:18:39,094 --> 00:18:41,893
Acting dead? That I can do.
279
00:18:41,975 --> 00:18:44,330
Yes, well, as I say...
280
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,691
there may not be
much acting required.
281
00:18:52,536 --> 00:18:54,447
Mind the pit.
282
00:18:54,536 --> 00:18:56,492
Woooorgh!
283
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,330
Percy!
284
00:19:29,058 --> 00:19:32,176
Tall trees! Let's see
those branches waving.
285
00:19:32,259 --> 00:19:33,578
Taller, taller.
286
00:19:33,659 --> 00:19:35,854
Now smaller! Small, small...
287
00:19:35,939 --> 00:19:39,090
Have you made
the necessary changes?
288
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,498
Yes, My Lord.
289
00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:48,095
- McAngus...
- Woooooh!
290
00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:50,489
Meet your murderers.
291
00:19:57,541 --> 00:20:00,851
- * Mi mi mi... *
- How did it go?
292
00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:02,420
Not bad,
293
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:05,937
but I don't really think
they understood it.
294
00:20:09,021 --> 00:20:12,412
We three are gathered
with most bold intent...
295
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:16,734
Here, by the banks
of the graceful Nile
296
00:20:16,822 --> 00:20:20,019
where camels ride
and deserts blow...
297
00:20:20,102 --> 00:20:23,412
To spill the blood
of this Scotsman vile.
298
00:20:23,502 --> 00:20:26,256
What's a Scotsman doing in Egypt?
299
00:20:26,343 --> 00:20:30,018
I'm not sure,
but they've had good reviews.
300
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:31,980
See your mother there?
301
00:20:32,063 --> 00:20:35,851
Apparently, my father
and your mother used to...
302
00:20:37,944 --> 00:20:42,540
Don't be absurd. Such activities
are totally beyond my mother.
303
00:20:42,624 --> 00:20:47,095
My father had to tell her
it was a cure for diarrhoea.
304
00:20:47,184 --> 00:20:51,815
Don't you believe it. There are
some letters - they're hot stuff!
305
00:20:51,905 --> 00:20:57,138
I tell you, they cast a wee doubt
over the parenthood of young Harry!
306
00:20:57,225 --> 00:20:59,375
Don't be absurd!
307
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:00,864
What?
308
00:21:00,945 --> 00:21:03,062
The bagpipe strums. Behold!
309
00:21:03,146 --> 00:21:06,900
This way our victim comes.
For never...
310
00:21:06,986 --> 00:21:09,784
- I'm on!
- Where are these letters?
311
00:21:09,866 --> 00:21:12,619
Hidden away - I'll show you later!
312
00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:14,776
Oh, all right.
313
00:21:17,347 --> 00:21:21,784
Tutankhamen McPherson,
you come not a whit too soon,
314
00:21:21,867 --> 00:21:26,497
for is this not the weather fair,
or this the Ides of June?
315
00:21:26,587 --> 00:21:30,103
Aye, it is.
316
00:21:30,188 --> 00:21:33,385
What business do you mean?
317
00:21:33,468 --> 00:21:36,380
Quickly! McAngus is going to die!
318
00:21:36,468 --> 00:21:39,744
- Any moment!
- Carrot-faced orang-utan!
319
00:21:39,828 --> 00:21:42,582
- Thieving Scots weasel!
- Death!
320
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,819
He knows too much!
321
00:21:44,909 --> 00:21:47,469
That is why he must die!
322
00:21:47,549 --> 00:21:50,939
No, he mustn't, he mustn't!
He has vital information.
323
00:21:51,029 --> 00:21:54,818
I've changed my mind.
What am I going to do?
324
00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:57,424
- Stop the show!
- How? How?
325
00:21:57,510 --> 00:21:58,659
Just say "Stop".
326
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:01,548
What's our reason for stopping it?
327
00:22:01,630 --> 00:22:04,588
The knives are real.
McAngus will die.
328
00:22:04,670 --> 00:22:05,898
No, you bastard!
329
00:22:16,671 --> 00:22:17,990
Stop!
330
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:20,187
Sorry I'm late.
331
00:22:23,992 --> 00:22:25,710
Aaargh!
332
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,062
Excellent. It's certainly
my mother's handwriting.
333
00:22:38,153 --> 00:22:41,031
- When were these written?
- 1460.
334
00:22:41,113 --> 00:22:43,832
The year my brother was born.
335
00:22:43,913 --> 00:22:48,192
Baldrick! Get in here.
336
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:54,264
Tell everyone that the
entertainments have been cancelled.
337
00:22:54,354 --> 00:22:57,027
- Why?
- Because I told you to, rat!
338
00:22:57,114 --> 00:23:00,152
- Why have they been cancelled?
- I see.
339
00:23:00,235 --> 00:23:04,786
Tell them I have a very important
announcement to make.
340
00:23:07,395 --> 00:23:10,592
- Do I have to take the dress off?
- Get out!
341
00:23:14,996 --> 00:23:19,035
If you played your cards right,
you could become king.
342
00:23:19,116 --> 00:23:20,310
Yes, one day.
343
00:23:20,396 --> 00:23:24,025
Sooner, maybe. Your father
just charged into Constantinople
344
00:23:24,116 --> 00:23:26,915
and they shut the gates on him.
345
00:23:26,997 --> 00:23:28,146
- No?
- Yes!
346
00:23:28,237 --> 00:23:30,956
10,000 Turks armed
with scimitars,
347
00:23:31,037 --> 00:23:33,710
and your father
with a fruit knife.
348
00:23:43,958 --> 00:23:46,233
Jerry Merryweather.
349
00:23:46,318 --> 00:23:49,993
Another nail
in the coffin of variety.
350
00:23:50,078 --> 00:23:52,832
I liked Bernard the rabbit-baiter.
351
00:23:53,319 --> 00:23:54,468
Thank you.
352
00:23:54,559 --> 00:23:58,074
Look, Edmund, is this
announcement going to take long?
353
00:23:58,159 --> 00:24:00,468
I haven't seen a eunuch yet.
354
00:24:00,559 --> 00:24:04,632
Don't worry, Harry.
It will soon all be over.
355
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:11,394
My dear mother, my dear brother,
lords and ladies of the Court.
356
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:16,474
Today there came into my possession
from the hands, My Lord,
357
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,234
of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngus
358
00:24:19,321 --> 00:24:24,873
certain letters, certain
rather extraordinary letters
359
00:24:24,961 --> 00:24:29,034
concerning the lineage
of Prince Harry.
360
00:24:29,121 --> 00:24:32,558
Letters? What is
so extraordinary about them?
361
00:24:32,642 --> 00:24:34,075
Letters?
362
00:24:34,162 --> 00:24:39,395
Harry, they were written
by your mother... to your father.
363
00:24:42,082 --> 00:24:46,474
Your father being, of course,
Donald, third Duke of Argyll.
364
00:24:46,563 --> 00:24:48,713
I beg your pardon?
365
00:24:48,803 --> 00:24:53,194
These letters are intimate.
Let me give you an example.
366
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,162
"Arundel, Thursday.
My dear hairy-wairy,
367
00:24:57,243 --> 00:25:01,123
"often, as you sit
at table with my husband,
368
00:25:01,204 --> 00:25:03,764
"probing into affairs of state,
369
00:25:03,844 --> 00:25:06,961
- "I long for you to probe..."
- Edmund!
370
00:25:07,044 --> 00:25:10,195
Are you sure
you know what you're saying?
371
00:25:10,284 --> 00:25:13,402
As sure as Mother was
when she wrote:
372
00:25:13,485 --> 00:25:16,921
"Dear big-boy, sail south.
373
00:25:17,005 --> 00:25:20,884
"As you know, your galleon
is always assured
374
00:25:20,965 --> 00:25:23,878
"a warm welcome in my harbour."
375
00:25:23,966 --> 00:25:28,039
"Big-boy!" Mother!
Do you know about this?
376
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:32,358
What chance did I have?
I was a little foreign girl.
377
00:25:32,446 --> 00:25:37,043
Then I must renounce the regency
and hie me to a monastery.
378
00:25:37,127 --> 00:25:41,643
Edmund, you shall be Regent
until... your father returns.
379
00:25:41,727 --> 00:25:44,639
- The King will not return.
- What?
380
00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:46,558
Oh, dear.
381
00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:48,478
When McAngus last saw him,
382
00:25:48,567 --> 00:25:51,082
he was facing
half the Turkish army,
383
00:25:51,168 --> 00:25:54,046
armed with
a small piece of cutlery.
384
00:25:54,128 --> 00:25:56,358
So, Percy, if you'd start...
385
00:25:56,448 --> 00:26:00,521
The King is dead.
Long live the King.
386
00:26:00,608 --> 00:26:04,602
The King is dead.
Long live the King.
387
00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:09,046
- Probably dead.
- The King is probably dead.
388
00:26:09,129 --> 00:26:12,678
Long live the King.
The King is probably dead.
389
00:26:12,769 --> 00:26:15,237
Long live the King. The King is...
390
00:26:17,290 --> 00:26:23,479
...not dead.
Long live the King. Hurray!
391
00:26:23,570 --> 00:26:27,040
Love! Death! War!
392
00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:29,167
Rumpy-pumpy!
393
00:26:29,251 --> 00:26:31,367
Brilliant!
394
00:26:31,451 --> 00:26:33,726
McAngus!
395
00:26:33,811 --> 00:26:38,327
My companion in blood
and most trusted friend!
396
00:26:38,411 --> 00:26:40,083
You made it!
397
00:26:40,171 --> 00:26:44,450
I made it -
thanks to my trusty fruit knife.
398
00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:54,808
Wait a minute.
399
00:26:54,893 --> 00:26:57,487
What's going on here?
400
00:26:57,573 --> 00:26:59,643
Who are you?
401
00:26:59,733 --> 00:27:01,564
He's our son.
402
00:27:01,653 --> 00:27:03,086
What?
403
00:27:04,173 --> 00:27:07,529
Oh, yes, of course... Enid.
404
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:13,333
My beloved father,
certain letters have come to light
405
00:27:13,414 --> 00:27:17,043
which might change things
a bit around here.
406
00:27:17,134 --> 00:27:18,965
Letters? What letters?
407
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:23,094
They speak of acts of love
between your wife and Donald,
408
00:27:23,175 --> 00:27:25,735
the Gay Dog of the Glens.
409
00:27:25,815 --> 00:27:30,013
"How I long to be in that kingdom
between saffron sheets,
410
00:27:30,095 --> 00:27:33,531
"where you and your ruler
are the only ruler,
411
00:27:33,615 --> 00:27:36,449
"and then acts of love consummated,
412
00:27:36,536 --> 00:27:39,528
"oh, you enormous Scotsman."
Etc, etc.
413
00:27:39,616 --> 00:27:43,848
These letters are dated
November and December 1460,
414
00:27:43,936 --> 00:27:47,771
which, Harry,
in relation to your date of birth,
415
00:27:47,857 --> 00:27:50,007
is precisely nine months...
416
00:27:50,097 --> 00:27:52,611
...after I was born!
417
00:27:54,617 --> 00:27:59,738
But about nine months
before your birth, Edmund.
418
00:27:59,818 --> 00:28:01,774
You!
419
00:28:01,858 --> 00:28:04,895
Yo-o-ou bastard!
420
00:28:04,978 --> 00:28:08,095
I think you're the bastard, Edmund.
421
00:28:09,658 --> 00:28:13,413
Silence! I want an explanation!
422
00:28:14,499 --> 00:28:16,296
My Liege...
423
00:28:16,379 --> 00:28:20,372
the reason I have
gathered you all here today
424
00:28:20,459 --> 00:28:26,012
is to get some proper justice meted
out against this Scottish turd
425
00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:30,173
who has clearly forged
these obviously fake letters.
426
00:28:30,260 --> 00:28:31,295
Let me see!
427
00:28:31,380 --> 00:28:33,098
No! I rip them up,
428
00:28:33,180 --> 00:28:36,297
so no hint
of their filthy slander can remain!
429
00:28:41,261 --> 00:28:46,415
You come, fresh from slaughtering
chocos when their backs were turned
430
00:28:46,501 --> 00:28:50,414
and think you can upset
the harmony of a kingdom?
431
00:28:50,501 --> 00:28:54,131
- I challenge you to a duel!
- To the death!
432
00:28:54,222 --> 00:28:56,816
Um... yes, all right.
433
00:28:56,902 --> 00:29:00,690
Excellent! After all,
it is St Leonard's Day -
434
00:29:00,782 --> 00:29:03,580
there's meant to be
some entertainment!
435
00:29:05,463 --> 00:29:10,059
Good, very good! Take your places.
436
00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:16,896
It's the old times again, McAngus.
437
00:29:16,983 --> 00:29:19,737
Three Turks and the human kebab!
438
00:29:20,824 --> 00:29:23,019
How could I ever forget!
439
00:29:23,104 --> 00:29:26,779
Very well. Let the killing begin!
440
00:29:47,266 --> 00:29:50,781
Let's see the Black Adder
wriggle out of this one!
441
00:29:52,106 --> 00:29:53,505
What's the hold-up?
442
00:29:53,586 --> 00:29:56,259
Um... I'll give you
everything I own. Everything!
443
00:29:56,346 --> 00:29:57,496
Aha!
444
00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:00,306
I... I'm hardly a rich man...
445
00:30:00,387 --> 00:30:02,457
Hardly a man at all!
446
00:30:02,547 --> 00:30:05,015
But... but... but...
447
00:30:05,107 --> 00:30:08,224
my horse must be
worth 1,000 ducats.
448
00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:11,778
I can sell my wardrobe,
pride of my life.
449
00:30:11,868 --> 00:30:15,747
My swords, my curtains,
my socks and my fighting cocks.
450
00:30:15,828 --> 00:30:18,262
My servants I can live without -
451
00:30:18,348 --> 00:30:21,146
except perhaps he who oils my rack.
452
00:30:21,228 --> 00:30:23,424
And my most intimate treasures -
453
00:30:23,509 --> 00:30:26,103
my collection
of antique cod-pieces,
454
00:30:26,189 --> 00:30:28,339
my wigs for state occasions,
455
00:30:28,429 --> 00:30:31,023
my wigs
for private occasions, and...
456
00:30:31,109 --> 00:30:33,464
for humorous occasions.
457
00:30:33,549 --> 00:30:36,017
My collection of pokers,
458
00:30:36,109 --> 00:30:39,898
my grendle-stretchers,
my ornamental pomfreys
459
00:30:39,990 --> 00:30:44,427
and of course, my autographed
miniature of Judas Iscariot.
460
00:30:50,591 --> 00:30:52,582
That's not enough!
461
00:30:53,551 --> 00:30:55,985
Ach, I'm only kidding!
462
00:30:56,071 --> 00:30:59,268
Actually,
I'm quite interested in the wigs.
463
00:30:59,351 --> 00:31:01,103
Never mind!
464
00:31:02,392 --> 00:31:04,269
Ach! Hey!
465
00:31:04,352 --> 00:31:06,786
Hope life doesn't become too dull,
466
00:31:06,872 --> 00:31:10,547
not being able
to pass laws over Scotland.
467
00:31:10,632 --> 00:31:16,503
I wouldn't pass water over Scotland!
468
00:31:17,433 --> 00:31:20,186
I'm fed up!
469
00:31:20,273 --> 00:31:23,345
We're all terribly pleased
you're back, Father.
470
00:31:23,433 --> 00:31:24,752
I'm not.
471
00:31:24,833 --> 00:31:28,064
I miss the smell
of blood in my nostrils.
472
00:31:28,153 --> 00:31:30,031
And the Queen's "got a headache".
473
00:31:30,114 --> 00:31:31,069
Oh, dear.
474
00:31:31,154 --> 00:31:33,349
But it's a fascinating week ahead.
475
00:31:33,434 --> 00:31:35,390
The Archbishop of York
476
00:31:35,474 --> 00:31:39,023
wants you to join
his formation Italian dance class.
477
00:31:39,114 --> 00:31:43,506
- I ought to give him an answer.
- Honest, or tactful?
478
00:31:43,915 --> 00:31:45,143
Tactful.
479
00:31:45,235 --> 00:31:48,147
- Tell him to get stuffed!
- Right.
480
00:31:48,235 --> 00:31:50,191
Has that hooligan McAngus left?
481
00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:53,028
Edmund's giving him
a last look round the castle.
482
00:31:54,436 --> 00:31:57,314
While this...
483
00:31:57,396 --> 00:32:01,105
- I'll be sorry if he goes.
- Interesting!
484
00:32:01,196 --> 00:32:04,506
So will Edmund.
They've become firm friends.
485
00:32:04,596 --> 00:32:07,395
The Turks?
486
00:32:07,477 --> 00:32:08,876
The drains!
487
00:32:08,957 --> 00:32:13,792
Father! Harry! There's been a messy
accident. You must come quickly!
488
00:32:13,877 --> 00:32:16,516
Oh, God! I'll get my plunger!
489
00:32:20,458 --> 00:32:24,212
♪ The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade ♪
490
00:32:24,298 --> 00:32:28,257
♪ Good folk, lock up
your son and daughter ♪
491
00:32:28,338 --> 00:32:32,251
♪ Beware the deadly
flashing blade ♪
492
00:32:32,338 --> 00:32:35,729
♪ Unless you want
to end up shorter ♪
493
00:32:35,819 --> 00:32:39,858
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder ♪
494
00:32:39,939 --> 00:32:43,898
♪ He rides a pitch-black steed ♪
495
00:32:43,979 --> 00:32:48,132
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder ♪
496
00:32:48,220 --> 00:32:52,259
♪ He's very bad indeed ♪
497
00:32:52,340 --> 00:32:56,458
♪ Black his gloves
of finest mole ♪
498
00:32:56,540 --> 00:33:00,534
♪ Black his codpiece
made of metal ♪
499
00:33:00,621 --> 00:33:04,409
♪ His horse is blacker
than a vole ♪
500
00:33:04,501 --> 00:33:08,289
♪ His pot is blacker
than his kettle ♪
501
00:33:08,381 --> 00:33:12,135
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder ♪
502
00:33:12,221 --> 00:33:15,976
♪ With many a cunning plan ♪
503
00:33:16,062 --> 00:33:20,294
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder ♪
504
00:33:20,382 --> 00:33:24,170
♪ You horrid little man! ♪
37303
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