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1
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,100
(Feeble voice)
Dying, My Lords?
2
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,500
- Am I dying?
- Never!
3
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,000
- Never!
- Yet, my son,
4
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,900
to pass away the idle hours
till your recovery...
5
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,300
Urgh-h!
6
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:48,500
..let us imagine
you were to pass away.
7
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,300
To whom would you leave your lands?
8
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,500
To me, of course!
9
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:58,900
Ye-es. To my beloved king.
10
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:03,400
May your filthy soul
be prepared for Hell, my son.
11
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,900
- Hell??
- Yes, Hell...
12
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,100
where Satan belches fire
13
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:12,700
and enormous devils
break wind both night and day.
14
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:16,900
And where the mind is never free
from the torments of remorse,
15
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:21,000
and your bottom never free
from the pricking of little forks.
16
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,300
No! Spare me the little forks!
17
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,600
What is this nonsense?
18
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:31,700
Hell...where the softest bits
of your nether regions
19
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,400
are everybody's favourite lunch.
20
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,500
Oh, Christ!
21
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:41,300
Forgive me, sire.
I will change my will
22
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,800
and leave my land to the Church.
23
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:48,400
What?
24
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,800
Blessed be thy stainless soul!
25
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,700
Ah, you will change
your mind later. I know it!
26
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,100
Urgh-h!
27
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:06,500
I think...not!
28
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,100
(Edmund)
Now, Baldrick, what news?
29
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,500
I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester
has given birth to goblins.
30
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,100
No, about the Duke of Winchester.
31
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,500
- He's hanging on.
- Must be on his last legs.
32
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:04,000
How many sets of legs
has that man got?
33
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,600
I wish he'd make up his mind.
34
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:11,300
This shilly-shallying
is so undignified.
35
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,900
My Lord, I come with tragic news.
36
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,800
Died at last, has he?
37
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,700
- Who, My Lord?
- Oh, I see!
38
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:22,800
You ask me what the message is
before you tell it to me.
39
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,000
Quite brilliant, I must say!
40
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,800
I was referring
to the Duke of Winchester.
41
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,500
Who, My Lord?
42
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:35,000
Let's try to sort this out
in words of one syllable, shall we?
43
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,700
- Someone has died, yes?
- Yes, My Lord.
44
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,100
Who is it that has died?
45
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,200
The Archbishop of Canterbury,
My Lord.
46
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,600
- Are you a cretin?
- Yes, My Lord.
47
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:47,200
The Archbishop of Canterbury?
48
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,400
Oh, no - the King has done it again.
49
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,300
That's the third this year!
How did this one die?
50
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,400
- 'Orribly, My Lord.
- Any details?
51
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,800
'Orribly is all I was given.
52
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,900
- There you are!
- I come with tragic news.
53
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:04,400
I've heard it. Will you go away?
54
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,500
Edmund, the Archbishop
of Canterbury
55
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:09,400
has met with
a most tragic accident.
56
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:12,800
I think I've fathomed out
how it came about.
57
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,600
I've a pretty shrewd idea myself.
58
00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:19,200
He was coming out
of the Duke of Winchester's room.
59
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,500
Who had died,
leaving his lands to the Church?
60
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:24,300
Well, yes.
61
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,700
And so the King
was after his blood.
62
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:31,500
I dare say, but then, round the
corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer.
63
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:33,400
The King's hired killer?
64
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,600
No, that tall fellow with no ears.
65
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,000
That's him.
66
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,500
He rushed towards
the Archbishop, head bowed,
67
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:44,500
in order to receive
his blessing...
68
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:47,500
and, er, unfortunately
killed him stone dead.
69
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:48,900
How?
70
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:52,000
Mortimer was wearing
a Turkish helmet.
71
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,000
Oh, one of those
with a two-feet spike.
72
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:59,000
Normally used for butting enemies
and killing them stone dead.
73
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,200
So presumably he'd "forgotten"
he was wearing it?
74
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:07,500
That's exactly
what the poor fellow had done.
75
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:08,900
Tragic!
76
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,500
Ah, yes, almost as tragic
as Archbishop Bertram
77
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,700
being struck by
a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head.
78
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:21,000
Quite. And nearly as tragic
as poor Archbishop Wilfred
79
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,800
falling backwards
onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
80
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:29,400
Oh, Lord, you do
work in mysterious ways.
81
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:33,200
I don't know how I'm going
to break it to his catamite.
82
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,100
What a tragic accident, My Lord.
83
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:40,300
Accident, my codling!
84
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,600
(Percy)
Who do you think will take over?
85
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,100
One of the bishop fellows,
I imagine.
86
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:48,500
They tend to go for religious types.
87
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:52,600
Rumour has it, My Lord, the King
wants to choose Prince Harry.
88
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:53,800
Really?
89
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:57,200
Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord?
90
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:01,400
Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop!
91
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:05,500
And we all know what happens
to archbishops, don't we?
92
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,900
They go to Canterbury.
93
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:11,900
No, no, no, no, no, no!
94
00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:14,900
Oh, yes!
95
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,900
Are you sure about your source?
96
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,500
It was Jane Smart -
97
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:21,700
the one who told me about
the chocolate chastity belt.
98
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:24,400
It was? Blimey!
99
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:29,000
Well, with Harry gone...
100
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:35,300
- the Black Adder will be...
- (Both) King...Next!
101
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:39,600
Yes, today could be one of
the most important days of my life.
102
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,500
Percy, I shall require
splendid garments for the ceremony.
103
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:47,400
- Certainly. Hat, My Lord?
- Trojan, I think.
104
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:49,000
- Boots?
- The Italian.
105
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:52,900
- And codpiece, My Lord?
- Well, let's go...
106
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:57,800
for the Black Russian, shall we?
It terrifies the clergy.
107
00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:02,700
(Braying laughter)
108
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:07,500
(Organ)
109
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,600
Any news, Baldrick?
110
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,900
Apparently, Lord Wilders is
keeping his sheep in his bedroom,
111
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:19,100
but nothing on the appointment, no.
112
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,900
Fair enough.
113
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,700
- Why are you dressed like this?
- Like what, sorry?
114
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,700
Well, this enormous nonsense here.
115
00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,700
(Fanfare)
116
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:39,500
Fingers crossed!
117
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,700
Members of the court
and, er...clergy,
118
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,400
I have...at last...
119
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:52,100
after careful consultation with
Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ,
120
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,200
and his insubstantial friend,
the Holy Ghost,
121
00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:02,200
decided upon the next archbishop.
122
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,300
May he last longer in his post
than his predecessors.
123
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:10,000
Fat chance!
124
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:14,600
I appoint
to the Holy See of Canterbury
125
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,400
my own son...
126
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,500
..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
127
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,900
Eeh-h!
128
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,100
Archbishop, we salute thee!
129
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:34,500
- Congratulations!
- D-D-Down!
130
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:37,900
Oh!
131
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:51,800
Use both hands.
Very good, very good!
132
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,600
Well done, Harry!
(Knock) Enter!
133
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,500
Ah, Your Majesty!
134
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,400
Ha! My Lord Archbishop!
135
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:04,700
There were just a couple of points
about my appointment,
136
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,800
- before things are firmed up.
- Yes?
137
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,700
- Firstly, could I...?
- No, you couldn't.
138
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:12,300
Fine. And secondly...
139
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:15,400
Don't be mistaken
about this appointment.
140
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,300
I've always despised you.
141
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,800
Well, you are my father,
of course. I mean, you're biased.
142
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:27,100
You, compared to your beloved
brother Harry - ha-ha-ha! -
143
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,700
are as excrement compared to cream.
144
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,200
Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!
145
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:34,900
And me, also.
146
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:38,400
So when I've at last
found a use for you,
147
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:42,400
- don't try to get out of it.
- No, no. Certainly not.
148
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,100
I just wondered whether another man
149
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,500
equally weak-willed and feeble
might do just as well.
150
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,900
Ha! There's no such man!
151
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,900
No, of course not. Silly me!
152
00:09:55,100 --> 00:10:00,100
I thought, though, perhaps,
someone who believed in God...?
153
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:04,300
No, if I needed someone
who believed in God,
154
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,100
I'd have chosen Harry,
155
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,500
not an embarrassing weed like you.
156
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:13,200
Oh, well, I think
that's everything cleared up.
157
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,800
Goodness! It must be
almost time for Evensong. Must go.
158
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:22,000
Egbert!
159
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,800
Come here.
160
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,700
A word of advice.
161
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:41,200
If you cross me now...or ever...
162
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,700
I shall do unto you
what God did unto the Sodomites.
163
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,900
I don't think that's a good idea!
164
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,300
You understand?
165
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:55,300
I shall make myself
available for all eventualities.
166
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,500
Thank you so much.
167
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,700
Flee!
168
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:17,700
We've got the thumbscrews,
the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks,
169
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:22,200
those long rods you r-ram...
170
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,600
- Where's the dwarf?
- Here, My Lord.
171
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,300
Right, let's go.
172
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:32,500
- Archbishop!
- Aah...
173
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:37,600
- H-Hail.
- Going somewhere?
174
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,600
Um...
175
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,400
Yes.
176
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,200
Where?
177
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:48,000
To C-Canterbury.
178
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,700
Oh, good!
Harry here will accompany you.
179
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:59,500
I would hate to see you murdered
before your investiture.
180
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,600
(The King)
Fresh horses!
181
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:07,300
My Lord, if we're to catch the boat
for France, you'll have to hurry.
182
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:08,800
To France?
183
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,100
Um, are you off to France, Percy?
184
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,200
I thought we all were.
185
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:20,700
No, no. Harry and I are off
to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
186
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:24,500
Oh, I see.
You've changed your plan.
187
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,300
N-No. No, not really.
188
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:32,800
The only change is if you could
go and put your face in some manure
189
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,400
and follow me at a distance,
that would be fine.
190
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,300
Harry?
191
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:39,500
And another thing, Your Grace,
192
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:44,500
suppose my right hand
offends me and I cut it off,
193
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:47,600
what if my left hand
offends me too?
194
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,300
What do I cut if off with?
195
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:53,600
Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one.
196
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:56,500
Yes.
197
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:08,500
Here, who's that?
198
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:14,200
I dunno, but that tall fellow,
he had a face full of manure.
199
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:18,900
That's what I call style!
200
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:25,000
(Ceremonial organ chords)
201
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:28,700
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,
202
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:34,300
believe in God the Father,
God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
203
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:39,000
(Bell tolls)
204
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,900
Um, yes.
205
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,700
I then name thee
Archbishop of Canterbury
206
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:49,700
and Primate of all England.
207
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,400
A-choo!
208
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,400
(Blows nose noisily)
209
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,200
(Narrator)
His investiture over,
210
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:16,000
Edmund the Unwilling swiftly
adopted the ways of the cloth.
211
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,300
But ever the shadow of his
father's threat hung over him,
212
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,100
until one day...
213
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,900
Tell me, exactly what did
God do to the Sodomites?
214
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,500
I dunno, My Lord.
215
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:32,600
I can't imagine it was worse
than they used to do to each other.
216
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:36,700
Oh, my God, this is it!
217
00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,700
Baldrick, go and get
My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate.
218
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:44,300
- Eh?
- Get Percy! Get Percy!
219
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:50,700
My life is hanging by a thread!
220
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,000
And if I don't leave my lands
to the Church, then what?
221
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,500
Then, Lord Graveney,
you will assuredly go to Hell.
222
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,300
Alas!
223
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:07,900
Hell...
224
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:12,700
where the air is pungent
with the aroma of roasted behinds.
225
00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:16,700
No, no!
(Hacking cough)
226
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:20,900
I place my lands
in the hands of the Church.
227
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:26,100
And so bid the world farewell!
228
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,500
What? The Archbishop
not yet arrived?
229
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:33,600
Not yet, and even
if he did arrive...
230
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:34,900
- Wait!
- Too late!
231
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,700
Out of my way!
232
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,500
I'll kill the pair of you!
I'll abolish the Church!
233
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,600
My Lord! My Lord! Aa-ii-ee!
234
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,000
I said, "Out!" Get out!
235
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,000
Oh, My Lord, My Lord!
Wake up, wake up...
236
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:57,100
Wake up!
237
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,800
- Am I in Paradise?
- No, no. Not yet.
238
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:06,500
Then this must be Hell.
Alas! Spare my posterior!
239
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,100
No, you're all right -
it's England.
240
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,300
And you are not Satan?
241
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,900
No, I'm the Archbishop
of Canterbury.
242
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:18,800
Oh, Your Grace, I have left
all my lands to the Church.
243
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,900
Am I to be saved?
244
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,900
No, you treacherous swine!
I'll kill you!
245
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:29,400
Wait! Let's just take this through
in stages, shall we?
246
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:33,900
Um, you know, the Church
doesn't really need your lands.
247
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,000
No, what it needs
is a damn good thrashing!
248
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:43,100
But if I do not gain its blessing,
I will surely go to Hell!
249
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:48,100
- Hell, where tiny tweezers...
- Get out!
250
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:53,200
Someone like you go to Hell??
Never! Never!
251
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,800
- I have committed many sins.
- Haven't we all??
252
00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:00,900
- I murdered my father.
- I know how you feel!
253
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,200
- Alas!
- Hurry up, Egbert!
254
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,600
- I have committed adultery...
- Who hasn't?
255
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,100
..more than a thousand times...
256
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:13,000
Well, it is 1487.
257
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,100
- ..with my mother.
- What?
258
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,400
You see, I will go to Hell.
259
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,600
Hell, where growths like turnips
sprout out the nose...
260
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:27,000
Kill him!
261
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,000
Um, well, let's take Hell.
262
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,000
Hell isn't as bad
as it's cracked up to be.
263
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,300
- What?
- No, no, no, no.
264
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,900
The thing about Heaven
is that Heaven is for people
265
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,800
who like the sort of things
that go on in Heaven,
266
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:49,800
like singing, talking to God,
watering pot plants.
267
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,200
Whereas Hell, on the other hand,
268
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:56,800
is for people who like
the other sorts of things -
269
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:03,000
adultery, pillage,
torture...those areas.
270
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:04,400
Really?
271
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:09,400
Mmm. Once you're dead,
you'll have the time of your life.
272
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:13,000
Adultery, pillage -
through all eternity?
273
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,200
Yep!
274
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:21,700
Struck with large sticks
against your tender portions...
275
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,500
Henry, it's your decision.
276
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,200
Very well. I'll leave
my lands to the Crown
277
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,700
and my soul
in the hands of the Lord.
278
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,900
May he treat me like
the piece of refuse that I am
279
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,200
and send me to Hell
where I belong.
280
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,100
Amen!
281
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,200
Amen. You're a lucky man.
282
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,200
I wish I could come with you,
but being Archbishop...
283
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,300
- I'm so sorry.
- It's OK.
284
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,200
Ah-h!
285
00:18:56,300 --> 00:19:01,100
- My son!
- Father!
286
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,700
- Father!
- My son!
287
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,600
Who's that?
288
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,200
Looks like the kind of pair
who would kill the Archbishop.
289
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,700
Typical!
290
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,100
(The King)
You Turkish dog!
291
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,900
- You Turkish pig!
- Father, it's me! Pax!
292
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,400
Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry.
You're improving.
293
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:26,600
Yes.
294
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,500
Well, thank you, Father.
Good night, Mother.
295
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:35,000
He's gaining on me!
He's gaining on me!
296
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,200
And how was Edmund?
297
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:42,000
Oh, very well.
Chiswick! Fresh horse!
298
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:46,200
And how are his dear little sheep?
299
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,600
- Whose sheep?
- Edmund's sheep.
300
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,000
What sheep?
301
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,400
Well, the ones at Canterbury.
302
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,500
His flock
that he was talking about.
303
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,800
Oh, my God!
304
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:07,600
I can't understand it.
Edmund doesn't even like religion.
305
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:11,300
That's impossible.
He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
306
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:15,000
Yes, and the Archbishop
is also a naughty boy,
307
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,100
whose bottom I smacked
308
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,600
for relieving himself in the pond.
309
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,800
That was a long time ago.
310
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:25,500
It was last Thursday.
311
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:34,000
Hell, the boy's turned out well.
312
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:38,900
A long and healthy life to him!
313
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:45,700
Ha!
314
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:50,100
I thank God that
never again shall I have to say,
315
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,900
"Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
316
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,700
- What is that?
- Something Henry II said
317
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:02,400
when he was having trouble
with Thomas a Becket.
318
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,100
He was sitting with
two drunken knights and yelled,
319
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:11,000
"Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
320
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,700
What?
321
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:15,200
Oh, God save us!
322
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:20,200
I said, "Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
323
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,000
Meaning who?
324
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:27,200
The Archbishop
of Canterbury, of course!
325
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,600
They went off
and killed him, of course!
326
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,800
Right, let's get down to business.
327
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:40,000
Business?
328
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,100
Baldrick's been looking at ways
329
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,100
of making a bit of money
on this job.
330
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:49,400
Basically, there appear to be
four major profit areas.
331
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:54,400
Curses, pardons, relics and selling
the sexual favours of the nuns.
332
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,300
Selling?
Some people actually pay for them?
333
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,600
Foreign business men,
other nuns, yes.
334
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,700
Let's start with pardons.
335
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,600
Well, this is a fair selection.
You seem to get what you pay for.
336
00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:11,800
They run from a pardon
for talking with your mouth full
337
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,800
signed by an apprentice curate.
338
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,300
How much is that?
339
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,600
Two pebbles.
All the way up to this one,
340
00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:20,900
which is a pardon for anything:
341
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:25,100
murder, adultery, dismemberment
of a friend or relative.
342
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:28,200
- Who is that signed by?
- Both Popes.
343
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,800
That's a good one.
344
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:34,700
Curses are much the same.
I got this for half an egg.
345
00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:37,300
Curse. "Dear Enemy,
346
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:41,300
I curse you and hope that something
unpleasant happens to you,
347
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,000
like an onion falling on your head."
348
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,200
That's the bottom end
of the market.
349
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,000
They run to this one
for four ducats.
350
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:52,600
"Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you
and all your kind."
351
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,600
"May you be turned orange
352
00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:58,300
and may your head fall off
at an awkward moment."
353
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,400
- Does this work?
- Yes.
354
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:01,900
- Really?
- Yes!
355
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,600
- Really?
- No!
356
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:10,400
Moving on to relics,
we've got shrouds from Turin,
357
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:16,900
wine from the wedding at Cana,
splinters from the Cross...
358
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,100
and there's all the stuff
made by Jesus
359
00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:23,200
in his days in the carpentry shop.
360
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:27,800
Pipe racks, coffee tables,
cake stands, book ends...
361
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,900
crucifixes...
362
00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:37,600
a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls,
waterproof sandals...
363
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,400
- I haven't finished this one yet.
- Disgraceful!
364
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,400
- They're obviously fake!
- Ha! Yes.
365
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:47,800
But how will people tell
which are the real relics?
366
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,100
They won't. That's the point.
367
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:55,900
Well, you won't be able
to fool everyone. Look!
368
00:23:56,100 --> 00:23:59,600
I have here a true relic.
369
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:01,400
What is it?
370
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,600
It is a bone
from the finger of Our Lord.
371
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,900
It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
372
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,500
Good Lord! Is it real??
373
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:15,600
It is, My Lord.
Baldrick, you stand amazed.
374
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:19,400
I am. I thought
they only came in boxes of ten.
375
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:21,900
I could've given you one of mine.
376
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,600
Yeah, fingers
are really big now.
377
00:24:24,900 --> 00:24:28,500
But for a quick sale,
you can't beat a nose.
378
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,600
This is the Sacred Appendage
Compendium Party Pack.
379
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,500
Jesus's nose...
St Peter's nose...
380
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:40,300
St Francis's nose...
381
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,000
Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's.
382
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,300
Bastard verger! I'll show him!
383
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,900
I'll show him!
384
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,800
Oh!
385
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,500
- Hello.
- Good evening.
386
00:24:56,700 --> 00:24:59,000
And what can I do for you?
387
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:04,200
Well, we're here to murder
the Archbishop of Canterbury...
388
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:06,300
..'s various enemies.
389
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:10,700
- We fear he may be in danger.
- Really? How?
390
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,300
Let me see.
Perhaps good King Richard,
391
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:17,800
- angry with the Archbishop...
- Don't know why.
392
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:22,400
..might well send two drunken
knights fresh from the Crusades
393
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,300
on a mission
to wreak vengeance on him.
394
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,400
Good point. It has happened before.
395
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,900
Sorry, I didn't
quite catch your names.
396
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:37,000
- George de Boef.
- How do you do?
397
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:38,600
Justin de Boinod.
398
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:42,700
Two drunken knights
fresh from the Crusades
399
00:25:42,900 --> 00:25:46,600
and here on a mission
for King Richard, bless him!
400
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,400
And your mission?
401
00:25:48,700 --> 00:25:50,800
We're here to kill...
402
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:55,600
..a bit of time...
before our next Crusade.
403
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:57,800
Oh, right, yes.
404
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:02,400
Well, I'll just go and get him.
405
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:06,600
Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights
to see the Archbishop.
406
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,500
Oh, my God!
407
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,900
Monks!
408
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,800
My Lord,
I've something to tell you.
409
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:21,700
If it's about the nuns at Uppingham
and the candelabra, I've heard it.
410
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,400
No, there's two men outside
who've come to kill you.
411
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,100
What?
412
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:34,000
I-I'm terribly sorry about this.
I'll just see what the delay is.
413
00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:35,300
Feel free.
414
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,300
Look, what's going on?
415
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:41,500
Those two men have come to kill us!
416
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:46,200
Oh, just because they've a bit of
class, you assume they're killers!
417
00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:49,800
Oh, my God, there's no way out!
418
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:56,200
Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us!
419
00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:11,800
They've dropped off!
420
00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:17,900
- Ya-ah-h!
- Ya-a-ah!
421
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:26,500
Damn! They must have gone down
the secret passage to the nunnery.
422
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:32,000
Ya-a-ah-h!
423
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,800
Sisters, three men came in.
Which way did they go?
424
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,400
(Falsetto)
Oh, I think they went that way.
425
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,900
God bless you!
426
00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:52,400
Wait! They'll be watching out
for us dressed like this.
427
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:55,800
Quick! In here!
428
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,200
(They titter nervously)
429
00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:13,500
Pray, Sister, have you seen
two burly knights pass this way?
430
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:19,100
(Cracked falsetto)
Er, no, Sister. More's the pity!
431
00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:22,400
Why don't you try that way?
432
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:28,600
- (Normal voices) Thanks.
- You're welcome.
433
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,600
And yet, Mother Superior,
434
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,800
does not St. Paul say
in The Ephesians,
435
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,800
"A woman is like a bat -
436
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,200
"often heard but never seen."?
437
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,400
No, I don't think so, Sara.
438
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,700
Shall we check the dormitory?
439
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,100
Oh, yes, Mother Superior.
Good idea!
440
00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:59,500
Girls!
441
00:28:59,700 --> 00:29:01,600
Girls! Girls!
442
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,500
I've told you a thousand times,
443
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,300
fighting in the dormitories
is forbidden!
444
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,800
Who is the ringleader?
445
00:29:10,100 --> 00:29:14,400
You! Yes, you, the plain girl!
446
00:29:15,900 --> 00:29:20,800
Oh, my God!
It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
447
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,900
And a man! Ooh-h!
448
00:29:24,100 --> 00:29:30,600
Er, I think I can explain.
(Giggles weakly)
449
00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:32,900
And that, sweet lady,
is the whole story.
450
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,700
Let's go over the facts again.
451
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,200
Once appointed Archbishop,
452
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:41,500
you found all your interests lay
in beautiful vestments.
453
00:29:41,700 --> 00:29:43,400
Ah, the fine embroidery!
454
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:47,000
Unable to resist
the slide into depravity,
455
00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:49,200
you began to
dress up like a nun.
456
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:53,200
The irresistible texture
of the hessian underthings!
457
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:54,800
I can understand that.
458
00:29:55,100 --> 00:29:57,500
Then you forced
the Bishop of Ramsgate
459
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,600
and Brother Baldrick to do so also.
460
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,200
Oh, may I be cursed for it!
461
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,200
Finally,
you got two knights drunk
462
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,800
and invited them to wrestle
with you inside the nunnery
463
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:13,800
- in a heathen orgy.
- That's it, yes.
464
00:30:14,100 --> 00:30:18,600
It bears the ring of truth
and I must therefore tell you
465
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:23,800
that I have written to all Popes
recommending your excommunication.
466
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,300
Never more may you be
Archbishop of Canterbury!
467
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,800
Oh, dear!
468
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:33,000
Enough, Sister Sara.
I think he's learnt his lesson.
469
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,500
Sorry?
470
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:37,800
Oh. Ow! Ow!
471
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,900
Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom!
472
00:30:41,100 --> 00:30:46,000
(Ominous organ chords)
473
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,500
Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
474
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,600
# The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade
475
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,600
# Good folk,
lock up your son and daughter
476
00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:28,600
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
477
00:31:28,900 --> 00:31:32,100
# Unless you want to end up shorter
478
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,200
# Black Adder, Black Adder
479
00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:40,300
# He rides a pitch-black steed
480
00:31:40,500 --> 00:31:44,400
# Black Adder, Black Adder
481
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,600
# He's very bad indeed
482
00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:52,800
# Black his gloves of finest mole
483
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:56,600
# Black his codpiece made of metal
484
00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:00,800
# His horse is blacker than a vole
485
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,600
# His pot is blacker
than his kettle
486
00:32:04,900 --> 00:32:08,400
# Black Adder, Black Adder
487
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:12,300
# With many a cunning plan
488
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:16,600
# Black Adder, Black Adder,
489
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:21,000
# You horrid little man! #
490
00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:24,000
Alas! The corruption of the world!
491
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:26,200
Yes, alas!
492
00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:28,900
I'm tired and weary.
You may leave.
493
00:32:29,100 --> 00:32:32,600
- Very well.
- Alas.
494
00:32:32,900 --> 00:32:35,700
Presumably you won't be
needing the unicorn tonight?
495
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:41,200
No. No, not tonight, Sara.
0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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