All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S04E12.Adulthood.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Kitsune_track3_[eng]

Why don't we have
any bread? Or fruit? Or ice?

- Yeah, I'll uh, make a list
and go grocery shopping later.

- Is that Felix's hoodie?
Oh, yeah.

Got mixed in with my laundry,
and I dunno, kinda fits, right?

Magical time in a boy's life.

Not quite a man,
sort of a small woman.

- At least we have coffee.
- No, no, no, no.

I brushed with the kids' bubble
gum toothpaste this morning.

Makes coffee taste yucky.

Add adult toothpaste
to the list.

Will do.
Viv.

Viv, honey,
the couch is not a trampoline.

: Becoming a parent
changes the way you age.

: First off,
your body gets old a lot faster,

but your sense of style
stays the same.

: Hmm, you listen
to kids' music, watch kids' TV,

and eat chicken tenders
three times a week.

: It's like
you experience all ages at the same time.

Sometimes you behave
like an old grump,

and other times you just
kind of act like your kids.

Okay, would you like five
Yum-Yum Dino Nuggets

- with your lunch, or six?
- Ooh, so sorry,

I'm taking the last
of the pasta salad.

I'll give you half
of my pizza pocket

- for half your pasta salad.
- Okay, throw in

a fruit roll
and a rainbow chip cookie,

you got yourself a deal.
Ooh.

Whoa.

I'm okay!

Hey, don't forget
to hand in your field trip forms

so we can go
to the museum together.

I can't believe
we're gonna see real mummies.

I know.
When I was a kid,

my dad took me to see them,

and one of them
had their foot unwrapped,

and you could see
their actual dead foot.

- Mummies are dead people?
Uh… yeah.

I'm gonna see a dead body?

Listen, first dead bodies

are a real milestone
in a girl's life.

We're gonna have a great time.
Yay.

Get it, get it, get it.

Go, go, go, go.

: Good morning.

I brought muffins. Enjoy.

Mmm, I love muffins,

but not blueberry.
Those are garbage.

- They're assorted, Marla.
"The Mouse's Crumb."

-Ooh!
What's the occasion?

- I finally paid off
my student loan.

I am officially an adult!

Oh, walnut?!

These are the blueberries
of the nut world, James.

- You don't have to eat
the muffins, Marla.

Ooh, cranberry. Thank God.

- So, what are you gonna do
with the extra cash every month?

- Uh, I was thinking
of putting it towards

servicing my other debts.

Or maybe something for you?

- He's right, James.
You deserve it,

and so do I,
which is why I got myself

a top-of-the-line standing desk
for my home office.

- When are you working
from home?

Evenings and weekends.

- Yeah, I would like a really
nice piece of furniture.

Maybe for when I retire,
like a, like a well-made chair.

Something to sip whisky in.

Maybe watch all those
Transformers movies.

- Van De Üssan.
That's a Transformer?

- It's a chair.
Oh.

- Handcrafted,
dignified, handsome.

Perfect for you.

- Okay, well,
I'll look it up online.

It's uh, spelled
like how it sounds?

-
James, no.

A chair like this deserves
to be seen in person.

And I know just the place.

- And as a gift
for paying off your loans,

I permit you to go
during work hours.

- Oh.
- For one hour. Over lunch.

There it is.

I'm here to pick up
my police report.

- Certainly. Name?
- Astrid Berney.

Okay.

I'm here to get
a police check

so I can hang out
with a bunch of kids.

Sorry, I don't know why

I just said it like that,
or did that.

To clarify, my daughter's class
is going on a field trip

and I need a clean police check
so I can volunteer.

Okay, looks like
that's not happening.

You got a peace bond
against you.

What? Why?

Is that because I kicked
that Mountie from the G20 rally?

Because he pushed me first.

- You kicked a Mountie?
- No.

What is a peace bond?

It's a type
of restraining order

taken out by Mr. Luke Mittal.

Mittal?
That's my mom's maiden name.

I don't know Luke. Luke Mittal?

But why?

Why would anyone take out
a peace bond against me?

I'm lovely.

This isn't a… thing
we solve together.

Ooh, it's like
an art gallery in here.

This furniture is art, James.

Art you could put
your "derrière" on.

Oh, well, not sure any of this
goes with my "derrière."

Not even the Van De Üssan?

♪ Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket ♪

♪ Never let it fade away… ♪

The Van De Üssan.

You have wonderful taste.

Please, try it. I insist.

♪ …For love may come
and tap you on the shoulder ♪

♪ Some starless night… ♪♪

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

Now, that's a good
sitting chair.

Ah, nice to see you again.

How's the Nella Vetrina
bedside table?

It is the most exquisite place
to store my mouthguard.

Oh, sorry, this is actually
a little bit more

than I was expecting to spend.

Don't decide
with your bank account, James.

Decide with your heart.

The student loan chapter
of your life has ended.

Who are you in this new chapter?

I'm a man who can have
one nice thing.

Wow, bang, right there. Okay.

Oh, hi, Mom.
I'm glad you're here.

I have a question.

-Hey.
- I have two questions.

Since when do you wear outfits

that cost less than a month
of groceries?

Ha, ha.

Wasn't planning
this ensemble, Astrid,

but not everything
in life is planned.

Okay. Where's the Dawn

from our universe, intruder?

Leave your sister alone.

The last few weeks
before I had you,

I tried using the TV remote
on the microwave.

Okay. Someone took out
a peace bond against me.

Is this because you punched
the police horse?

Mom, I was aiming
for the Mountie, okay?

And no. It's by someone
named Luke Mittal.

Ugh, that's your cousin Amit.
I heard he changed his name.

Vomit Comet Amit?

He is the worst.

Always tattling
on everyone and…

…throwing up everywhere.

I heard he lived in Calgary

with my rat bastard brother.

Well, it looks like
he lives in Toronto now

and is a court clerk.

Well, I don't know
why Amit is messing with me,

but I'm telling you this,
it ends right now.

Yeah.

Or first thing tomorrow.

Okay.

So, you're welcome.

It's done?

Your peace bond is no more.
Poof!

That's amazing,
thank you.

I thought you were
just gonna get me legal advice.

Astrid, I'm a man of action!
I get things done.

Now you can feel free to blast
your music all night long

and Lucy won't be able
to say a thing about it.

Lucy? Do you mean Luke?

- Did you say Luke?
- Luke.

Huh. Huh.

I may have made the wrong
peace bond disappear.

- Who's Lucy?
- I don't know,

but she sounds
like a real shrew.

Leonard, can you help me
with my actual peace bond?

Astrid!
You want another favour?

I should take out
a peace bond on you.

I guess Lucy's gonna be upset
when her property taxes go up.

Yeah, I screwed up.

I'm just gonna…

My stupid cousin
is pranking me.

For no reason. I'm just gonna
have a nice, calm,

mature conversation
with that puke face little turd,

and then you and Mommy
are gonna see that mummy.

Yes!
Oh, wait…

Hey, I'm just gonna pop in here
and grab that guy.

Oh, God!

All right guys, family meeting.

We are here to talk…
Felix, headphones.

We are here to talk
about the new chair.

Which is just
for Mommy and Daddy.

Why can't I use it?

You guys are not careful
with furniture.

Yes, we are.

You're drawing on the table.

I don't know what counts
as furniture.

What's so good about
this chair? How much was it?

The Van De Üssan
is not about the money,

- it's about the principle.
- 2,500 bucks?

What? Lemme see.
That's less than what I paid for it.

Maybe I shouldn't
touch the chair.

We're already
not allowed to touch stuff

in your room and the birthday
present cupboard.

And now Morris is allowed
to climb all over the chair?

- What?
- Hmm? What?

- No, no, no.
- He was just here.

Maybe Morris should
live outside.

There it is.
I wanna go outside.

Why is there already
a stain on this chair?

Uh, Viv tried
pulling me off the chair

while I was carefully
drinking my juice.

That was before the rules.
I won't do that from now on.

Luke, it's wonderful
to see you again.

- Hi.
- Okay. She's gotta stay

at least 30 feet away from me.
It's the law!

: So, I guess the first
question for me is,

why the peace bond?

What, what did I ever
do to you, Amit?

It's Luke now, actually.

Yeah, I had to change my name

after years of you guys
calling me Vom….

And you went with Luke?

You guys ruined
my entire childhood

with your bullying.
: We were all kids!

Where's Dawn's peace bond, huh?

You snotty, little sneak.

You're always running to Mommy.

: Ew, Mommy!

Uh, what, what Astrid means

is that we've all grown a lot,

and we're family.

What will it take
for you to drop the bond?

Well, when Mataji died,

she gave Nisha Auntie
two golden elephant statues.

I want them.

But those aren't ours to give.

I mean, what if Mom
doesn't wanna part with them?

No statues,

no revoking the peace bond.

Damn you, Luke!

Damn you!
Luke, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna literally
kill you, Luke!

- Yo fam, juices, wines,
and coolers are bussin',

but when they spill
on linens. Ooof!

Oh, no! Stains everywhere!

Laundry Buddy here
to turn that "L" into a dub.

These captions
are not helping me.

- So, let the vinegar
chill with the stain,

and then dab with
my fabric cleaning mix

and warm water.
You got it.

Maybe Dad can dab
the couch after.

We don't care about the couch.
We care about the Van De Üssan.

- And remember, don't do this
on a bougie chair,

like a Polk or a Van De Üssan
or else you're gonna erode

the stain guard
and set the stain permanently.

And you don't want that!

- Now he's saying that?
- Couch ruined!

Can we watch another one?

: Smash those
likes and subscribe

for some more dope
laundry tips.

Did you bring
the statues?

Yes!
And that reminds me

of something else
you need to see.

This is all the info
you'll need when I die,

- all in one place.
- You can't die, Mom, please.

- No, don't say that.
- Grow up.

It's my will
and where my money is

and how to get at it.

I keep it in the garage
near the broken bird feeder

that impaled the raccoon.

Um, I see that Astrid is
inheriting more money than me?

What, is that because she's less well off?

She has more kids.

Look, any money I leave
is to help the kiddos.

Oh, in your face, Dawn!

Ha, ha. You said having three

would turn my life
upside down.

-Aw.
- Oh, remember these guys?

Hey yo, Dawn!
Whatcha slurpin' on over there?

Oh, my God, wait,

what was my voice?

The tea,
it's burnin' my trunk.

It burned it.

Yeah, your elephant
was very tragic.

Mmm.

My nasty brother
got everything

when your Nanima died.
Except these.

I left them for you.

It's all in the binder.

Harvest my organs, burn my body.
All that crap.

Yikes.

I know I said
I need a minute,

but I need 10 minutes.

Hey, it's me, Bo.

The kids called.

They thought you might
need my help.

Well, chair's ruined,

so got all the help
I need for today. Thank you.

James, it's not your fault.

I know it's not!
I told you I wasn't ready

for a chair this impressive, Bo.

One day,
the kids will grow up,

leave for college, and will only
return for the holidays.

Yeah, you're right.

I should be spending my energy
on people and not things.

No. I meant, you should wait
to enjoy the Van De Üssan

until after the kids are gone.

Also, I think the store sells
specialty cleaning products so.

Go, slide it in.
Okay.

Well, now,
they're being adorable.

Come in.

- We put some money in there.
- I see that.

But I don't need
your birthday money, okay?

What I do need is an apology.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry about the juice.

- Sorry.
- Me too. Sorry.

Part of getting older
is taking care of your stuff.

But a bigger part is admitting
when you did something wrong.

I know
where you hide chocolate, and sometimes I eat it.

- Oh, well, thank you--
- I cut my hair by accident,

but on purpose,
and then I hid the hair.

- When?
- Years ago.

Okay, guys, first thing
tomorrow morning,

we're going back to
that weirdo furniture shop

and we're gonna see
what kinda specialty cleaning products they got.

What are we gonna do now?

We are gonna go
to the grocery store

and get ourselves some dinner.
We got no food!

Pizza! Pizza!

I might not be here
when you get back.

We should not be here.

I wanna climb
this stuff so bad.

Yeah, well, don't.

Can I help you with anything?

Hi, I was in here
the other day.

I bought a Van De Üssan
with my brother-in-law, Bo.

Okay.

Okay, I was just here

to see if there were
any cleaning supplies?

I got a small stain
on the seat cushion.

Yeah, we'll need a lot.
Hi, I'm Felix Berney.

Felix, why don't you go
take your siblings

and stand in a corner?

Okay. Uh, so we don't
actually have cleaning products,

but there is a cleaning service

that takes about
two to three weeks.

But we can rent you
some sit-ware in the meantime.

Oh, there it is.

Ah, you know what?
I don't need sit-ware.

I would love to know
about that cleaning service.

But before I buy something
without checking the price, how much is the price?

- Oh, let me get you a quote.
- Okay, yeah.

Look it, Morris.

Hey! Hey!
This is not a toy.

You're gonna get your sticky,
greasy fingers all over it.

My hands are sticky,
but not greasy.

Hey, excuse me. Excuse me,
don't talk to my kids like that

over something stupid
like a bird that's… $800?

Okay, well her hands
are not sticky or greasy.

But they are sticky.

Okay, you know what?
Let's get outta here.

We don't need
this ding-dong store.

Nobody deserves
to be talked to that rudely.

But I need to pee.

Do you have a washroom
we could use?

Thanks for agreeing
to be within 30 feet of Astrid.

Here's your coffee.

And uh, were you serious
about the straw?

Yes.

I'm impressed
with your Van De Üssan.

Now this, this is art.

Luke, we wanted to acknowledge

that we really hurt you
all those years ago.

We made you feel bad
about your name.

And other behaviours that
were totally normal for…

A kid.

Well, I agree,
you guys sucked.

But thank you.
I really appreciate that.

So, where are those statues?

- Uh…
- Mmm, yeah.

Luke, um, we're actually
gonna keep those.

What? What the frig?

You said you'd give those to me!

You know…

This is just like when you said
there was a fizz candy

behind the furnace, and then
you flipped the lights out.

I personally think
that's different.

You made fun of my name
until I hated it!

When we were kids!
Amit is a fine name.

Oh, Dawn's about
to have a baby.

Maybe she can call them Amit.

No.

Yeah, it's not a knock
on the name,

we just have some really
negative associations with it.

Oh, but you guys
are just perfect?

Turning out all beautiful
with your cool careers

and your stable marriages?
Huh, Mrs. Van De Üssan?

And Mrs… Perfect Üssan?

With your perfectly
symmetrical face

and your life
planned out perfectly.

Are these supposed
to be insults?

Excuse me.

You stay here.

Not on the Van De Üssan,
on the couch or the floor.

Dawn?

This doesn't smell
like beach waves.

Yeah, that might sting
in a second.

I'm sorry, but my life
isn't perfectly planned out.

It's chaos.

You have a champagne fridge.
How is your life chaos?

I'm having another baby.

Yeah, Dawn, I know.

No, I'm having another,
another baby.

I'm pregnant.

- You're pregnant?
- Yes.

How, how do we feel
about that?

I'm happy and surprised.

But two babies?
That is not what we planned.

Yeah, well, you know,
maybe this means

that for once in your life
you have to rethink the plan.

And that's… that's exciting.

I haven't told Bo.

I mean, every time
I have another baby,

he loses his marbles
and runs away.

I haven't told work
because it's their policy

to fire women
who take extended mat leave.

- Bastards!
- I created that policy.

Dawn, you are not gonna
get fired,

and you are not gonna lose Bo.

You held it together
when Bo fell apart.

You can do anything.

Except hold it together
in front of our stupid cousin.

His insults are right.
We're adults with adult lives.

He can keep the statues.

We're passing down something
so much better

to our kids, kick-ass DNA.

Oh, you're right.

We will also be passing down
a lot of land

in Northern Ontario,
and a small fortune.

I got some real insults now,
"Ass-turd."

Terrible.

Luke, we're giving you
the statues.

We hope they ease your pain.

Oh, I think they will.

I'm pretty sure these guys
are valuable.

- You're gonna sell them?
- You make me sick, Puke.

Don't…

You can't say "puke."

But you just said "puke."

I'm not supposed to say "puke?"
You want me to?

Hey, sorry we're late.
Got hung up at the park.

Hi, Mom.
Hi.

Is this your family?
Yeah, my family.

I'm 100 percent
ready for the museum.

I'm not scared
of mummies anymore.

- What changed your mind?
- I found a mummy squirrel.

Oh, my God!
It's a dead squirrel! Viv!

Was it in there
the whole time?

It's an exhibit, see?

No, not the Van De Üssan!
Yucky!

Please don't tell my father
I threw up in your home.

On our stupid expensive chair.

Yes, I'll pay for it
to be cleaned.

I just don't have
the money right now.

Really? You said
those statues were valuable.

Hey, yeah, this feels right.

Wherever I go,
I feel isolation and despair.

Hey, Twinkle Toes,
what about that peace bond?

Consider it withdrawn.

Can I get some more water
and a clean straw?

And one ice.

: Adulthood
was supposed to come with nicer clothes,

nicer furniture, nicer food.

: But then you had kids,
and uh, no.

Maybe one day you'll
have a home full of stuff you like.

Oh, that's better.

: But for now,
it's full of people you love,

so enjoy the messy life
you share with your kids while you can.

Yay.

What's the return policy
on this guy?

Oh, they hope you return
to buy something else.

Ha.

I would like
to interest you though,

in a monthly ottoman
subscription?

Where we deliver an ottoman
to your house every month.

It feels like
I'm just gonna end up

with a house full of ottomans.

It's gonna be
an Ottoman Empire.

So fast.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

So, can I get that
ready for you?

No, I'm not interested
in that actually at all.