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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Get a warrant.
- You know I don't need one.
2
00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:44,395
I saw you refilled
your pond; that puts you
3
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,936
way over your monthly allowance.
4
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:47,561
- So sue me.
- We have!
5
00:00:47,645 --> 00:00:50,311
You owe $150,000 in
fines this year alone.
6
00:00:50,395 --> 00:00:51,603
Which I have paid!
7
00:00:51,686 --> 00:00:53,395
I don't need this constant harassment!
8
00:00:53,478 --> 00:00:55,936
Wayne Newton's got seven fountains!
9
00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,770
Could you remind Ms.
Vance that, legally,
10
00:00:58,853 --> 00:01:00,978
she cannot stop me from
checking her water meter?
11
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,436
And could you please
remind this "water cop"
12
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,561
that I have more pressing
issues to attend to,
13
00:01:05,645 --> 00:01:09,353
like an unnecessarily long shower?
14
00:01:14,270 --> 00:01:15,520
If you come around the side,
15
00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,228
I'll unlock the gate from the back.
16
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,520
Thank you.
17
00:01:25,228 --> 00:01:26,353
- Hot, hot!
- Thank you.
18
00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:27,603
Accidentally touched the lip.
19
00:01:27,686 --> 00:01:28,895
Okay.
20
00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:30,811
Think that's a hair, okay.
21
00:01:33,228 --> 00:01:34,728
- Kayla?
- Mm-hmm?
22
00:01:34,811 --> 00:01:35,978
What is in this coffee?
23
00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:37,478
Half-and-half and sugar.
24
00:01:37,561 --> 00:01:38,895
- Well, Splenda.
- Okay.
25
00:01:38,978 --> 00:01:40,311
A couple of Splendas.
26
00:01:40,395 --> 00:01:41,853
That's not sugar. It's all chemicals.
27
00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,311
- Yeah.
- And I take natural sugar.
28
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,061
- Yeah, brain...
- All right...
29
00:01:45,145 --> 00:01:46,436
F-A-R-T.
30
00:01:48,478 --> 00:01:50,395
Is your phone ringing or something?
31
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I don't know. Let's find out.
32
00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:55,686
Jimmy Lusaque, Junior's
office. Jimmy speaking.
33
00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:57,686
Hey, buddy, how's it going?
34
00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:59,186
Did you get that dog I sent you?
35
00:01:59,270 --> 00:02:00,603
Yeah, I don't need another dog.
36
00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:01,978
I have one and he hates me.
37
00:02:02,061 --> 00:02:03,603
What's going on with you?
38
00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:05,145
Why do you keep sending
me Petfinder links?
39
00:02:05,228 --> 00:02:06,645
Well,
40
00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:08,978
- I'm pretty lonely, my man.
- Mm, that's sad.
41
00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:10,603
How's it going archiving for Deborah?
42
00:02:10,686 --> 00:02:11,936
So painful.
43
00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:13,353
The coolest thing she's ever done
44
00:02:13,436 --> 00:02:17,020
is cohost New Year's
Rockin' Eve in 2000.
45
00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:19,561
2001 wasn't as good, but I don't know.
46
00:02:19,645 --> 00:02:21,478
Maybe that's just 'cause
I knew 9/11 was coming.
47
00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,645
Come on, Deborah's done
plenty of cool stuff.
48
00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,395
I mean, she started
the gay cruise trend.
49
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,686
You love LGBTQAI+ stuff.
50
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:30,436
Speaking of which, how's Ruby?
51
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,353
Well, we broke up three months ago.
52
00:02:32,436 --> 00:02:35,353
- So I think you'll have to ask her.
- I'm sorry. Hey, look,
53
00:02:35,436 --> 00:02:36,895
if you're just calling
to shoot the shit,
54
00:02:36,978 --> 00:02:38,686
love you, bless you,
but I'll call you back.
55
00:02:38,770 --> 00:02:40,145
All righty, ciao.
56
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,770
Okay, ciao for now.
57
00:02:41,853 --> 00:02:44,811
- Here you go, prince.
- Hey, thank you so much.
58
00:02:44,895 --> 00:02:46,603
Yum!
59
00:02:46,686 --> 00:02:49,728
Kay. Not "yum," weird and bizarre.
60
00:02:49,811 --> 00:02:51,436
- What is in this one?
- Honey!
61
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,395
You said natural. It comes from bears.
62
00:02:53,478 --> 00:02:55,770
- Oof, Kayla...
- Knock, knock.
63
00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:59,603
- Michael! Hi!
- Daddy! Daddy's at work!
64
00:02:59,686 --> 00:03:01,436
So how's my baby girl doing?
65
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,853
She's unbelievable.
Really special, special.
66
00:03:04,936 --> 00:03:08,436
You know, she specifically
requested to be on your desk.
67
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:09,895
- She did?
- Yeah.
68
00:03:09,978 --> 00:03:12,020
You almost got stuck
with some Harvard nerd,
69
00:03:12,103 --> 00:03:14,728
always bragging about his Fulbright.
70
00:03:14,811 --> 00:03:17,811
God, that would have been so annoying!
71
00:03:20,978 --> 00:03:24,061
- Let's go do lunch!
- Absolutely, sugar plum.
72
00:03:24,145 --> 00:03:25,603
Hold down the fort, Jimmy Junior.
73
00:03:25,686 --> 00:03:27,866
- You got it, Michael.
- "Hold down the fort, Jimmy Junior!"
74
00:03:27,867 --> 00:03:31,436
Okay. Could you bring
back lunch for me, please?
75
00:03:45,186 --> 00:03:46,853
Huh.
76
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,520
Hello?
77
00:03:54,186 --> 00:03:56,436
Oh, shit.
78
00:03:59,853 --> 00:04:01,811
Mm, donate.
79
00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:03,853
Oh, do you like these?
80
00:04:03,936 --> 00:04:05,686
Hmm, not my style.
81
00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:08,103
I like a pant with a stirrup.
82
00:04:08,186 --> 00:04:09,603
Okay.
83
00:04:09,686 --> 00:04:10,811
Mom!
84
00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:14,395
I mean, come on!
85
00:04:14,478 --> 00:04:16,311
- This is... this sucks!
- No, no.
86
00:04:16,395 --> 00:04:17,645
It's chic. It's very elegant.
87
00:04:17,728 --> 00:04:19,853
It's very Gina Lollobrigida.
88
00:04:19,936 --> 00:04:21,145
Who? No.
89
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,645
This is... I look like an asshole.
90
00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:25,436
Just give it to stupid
Marcus, or donate it.
91
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,103
Some things are too nice to donate.
92
00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:28,895
Well, not this.
93
00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,228
Okay, look, I'll take your heirlooms
94
00:04:31,311 --> 00:04:35,061
if you promise to wear one of my
chokers on stage, and a big one.
95
00:04:35,145 --> 00:04:36,978
Now, the dress is working, you know?
96
00:04:37,061 --> 00:04:38,811
What's not working is your eyebrows.
97
00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,395
What? Mom!
98
00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:42,145
I keep telling you,
you've got to extend them
99
00:04:42,228 --> 00:04:43,645
- a bit with a pencil.
- Oh, my God.
100
00:04:43,728 --> 00:04:45,020
Right there, they
just kind of peter out.
101
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:46,103
Pencil, a little pencil.
102
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,186
I've been using the serum.
103
00:04:47,228 --> 00:04:48,311
It just takes time.
104
00:04:48,395 --> 00:04:49,978
Josefina, can you, please?
105
00:04:50,061 --> 00:04:51,692
I'm just here for a blazer.
106
00:04:51,693 --> 00:04:54,686
I told you you were gonna
regret over-tweezing in the '90s.
107
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,811
The only thing I regret from the '90s
108
00:04:56,895 --> 00:04:58,728
is not getting frickin' emancipated.
109
00:04:58,811 --> 00:05:01,436
You know, DJ, I have had a
morning with the water cop,
110
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,436
so don't start with me.
111
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,753
I'm sorry you mismanaged your pond!
112
00:05:05,836 --> 00:05:08,061
I don't mismanage my pond. I
pay people to manage my pond.
113
00:05:08,145 --> 00:05:10,186
Then you mismanaged the
people who manage your pond.
114
00:05:10,270 --> 00:05:11,895
What are you doing?
115
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,020
Yes, you. I can see you in the mirror.
116
00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:16,103
Oh, um...
117
00:05:16,186 --> 00:05:19,228
Sorry, special delivery.
Just... this came for...
118
00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:22,853
I... I can just leave it by the door.
119
00:05:22,996 --> 00:05:24,246
Who's it from?
120
00:05:24,330 --> 00:05:27,163
I... I think it's from your sister?
121
00:05:27,246 --> 00:05:28,496
Oh, shit.
122
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,288
Throw it out.
123
00:05:32,371 --> 00:05:34,121
And don't come back up here again.
124
00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:36,121
Okay, sorry.
125
00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:43,788
Hey.
126
00:05:44,913 --> 00:05:46,205
If it would make you feel better,
127
00:05:46,288 --> 00:05:50,246
I'd be happy to take your
diamond tennis bracelet.
128
00:05:51,621 --> 00:05:53,496
I told you, you'll
get that when I'm dead.
129
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:55,288
Okay.
130
00:05:55,913 --> 00:05:58,913
I will be reaching out
when I know the penalty,
131
00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:00,246
and I'll be back in, like, a month.
132
00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:02,330
- I'll be here.
- Good to know.
133
00:06:02,413 --> 00:06:04,580
- Have a good day.
- You too.
134
00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:08,371
Who was that?
135
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,830
It's just Wilson. He's
such a pain in our ass.
136
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:13,163
"Our ass"?
137
00:06:13,246 --> 00:06:14,788
You and Deborah share an ass?
138
00:06:14,871 --> 00:06:16,413
Is there something I can help you with?
139
00:06:16,496 --> 00:06:18,455
Oh, yeah. She told
me to throw this away,
140
00:06:18,538 --> 00:06:20,371
but should I? It's from her sister.
141
00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:21,996
Wait, what?
142
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,205
You brought this to her?
143
00:06:24,288 --> 00:06:26,246
Yeah, she was so nice about it.
144
00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:27,871
Sweet woman.
145
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,996
Kathy's never sent anything before.
146
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:31,663
I can't believe she's not curious.
147
00:06:31,746 --> 00:06:33,288
Well, her husband left
her for her own sister,
148
00:06:33,371 --> 00:06:34,705
and then Deborah burned down his house,
149
00:06:34,788 --> 00:06:36,288
so let's call it a sore spot.
150
00:06:36,371 --> 00:06:38,496
Yeah, but she makes
jokes about it constantly,
151
00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:40,330
plus that was, like, 100 years ago.
152
00:06:40,413 --> 00:06:42,496
Well, I guess you've
got it all figured out.
153
00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:45,105
You... you're not gonna open it?
154
00:06:45,188 --> 00:06:47,225
- No.
- What if there's a gift card in there?
155
00:06:47,226 --> 00:06:48,830
She said throw it away.
156
00:06:48,913 --> 00:06:51,330
And I believe you have
some archiving to do.
157
00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:52,996
And I'd like it done soon.
We're putting together
158
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,913
a "Best of Deborah" DVD
for the anniversary show.
159
00:06:54,996 --> 00:06:56,205
Yeah, I'll get right on that.
160
00:06:56,288 --> 00:06:59,371
A lot of money in DVDs right now.
161
00:06:59,455 --> 00:07:03,038
Sorry, I just don't love running
tech in the basement all day.
162
00:07:03,121 --> 00:07:04,663
Well, we do have a
gig later, so I'm sure
163
00:07:04,746 --> 00:07:07,538
you'll get to display your genius there.
164
00:07:09,288 --> 00:07:12,746
Great, I'll be by the
water heater if you need me.
165
00:07:29,288 --> 00:07:31,080
I love being in London.
166
00:07:31,163 --> 00:07:33,538
But everything is so different here.
167
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,163
You know, in America, if I wanna drive
168
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,663
on the wrong side of the road,
169
00:07:36,746 --> 00:07:38,913
I gotta get in the car with Billy Joel.
170
00:07:41,205 --> 00:07:45,246
No, really, I don't love
cooking, but I do hate it.
171
00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:47,580
Last night, I tried
to make collard greens.
172
00:07:47,663 --> 00:07:49,913
This morning, I woke
up to a cease and desist
173
00:07:49,996 --> 00:07:51,705
from the NAACP.
174
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,038
Damn!
175
00:07:58,705 --> 00:08:00,288
Now, her career is going up in flames
176
00:08:00,371 --> 00:08:03,038
faster than my ex-husband's garage.
177
00:08:03,121 --> 00:08:04,746
Duraflame.
178
00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:08,121
Starts faster, burns longer.
179
00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:10,996
Take it from me,
someone who really knows
180
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,746
how to set the night on fire.
181
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,580
Now, the pilgrims had the right idea.
182
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,288
Oh, oh, get over it. Oh, yeah,
183
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,663
like you wouldn't grab
Patrick Swayze's ass.
184
00:08:19,746 --> 00:08:22,288
Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and I do care.
185
00:09:31,246 --> 00:09:34,038
Oh, fuck, no!
186
00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:48,663
Okay, I think what we have
here is a pretty classic
187
00:09:48,746 --> 00:09:51,205
generational misunderstanding, you know?
188
00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:54,996
It's very normal for
people my age to send nudes.
189
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:59,288
It's... it's about having
agency over our sexuality.
190
00:09:59,371 --> 00:10:00,955
Oh, I'm not judging you.
191
00:10:01,038 --> 00:10:03,330
I mean, I just don't think
you need to send a boy a nude
192
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:05,371
- just because he asked you to.
- Okay, well,
193
00:10:05,455 --> 00:10:07,246
for your information, it was a girl,
194
00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:08,705
and she didn't ask me to.
195
00:10:08,788 --> 00:10:10,788
Oh, no.
196
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,746
Just do it when you're off the clock.
197
00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:14,371
Would you do that if
you worked in a bank?
198
00:10:14,455 --> 00:10:16,871
It depends, am I the
president of this bank?
199
00:10:16,955 --> 00:10:18,830
'Cause then I'm probably
a white-collar criminal.
200
00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:20,663
I'm doing way worse than sending nudes.
201
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:21,830
No!
202
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,913
You read more like a junior teller.
203
00:10:24,996 --> 00:10:30,663
Just don't do it on
my time or in my chair.
204
00:10:31,746 --> 00:10:33,705
It's an antique.
205
00:10:33,788 --> 00:10:35,455
Deal.
206
00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:38,580
Hey. Was traffic all right?
207
00:10:38,663 --> 00:10:40,413
Yeah, not bad. Are they ready?
208
00:10:40,496 --> 00:10:42,913
Yeah, Phil from corporate and
the photographers are inside.
209
00:10:42,996 --> 00:10:44,455
Do you want to do
touch-ups in the bathroom?
210
00:10:44,538 --> 00:10:46,246
- Yeah, sure that's fine.
- All right.
211
00:10:47,996 --> 00:10:50,788
Wait, what? A pizza place?
212
00:10:50,871 --> 00:10:53,413
What I'm I supposed to
be doing here for you?
213
00:10:53,496 --> 00:10:56,121
It's a grand opening. So there's press.
214
00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:59,080
So pitch me some
one-liners and some bits.
215
00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,871
Like about pizzas and calzones?
216
00:11:01,955 --> 00:11:03,746
They don't have calzones.
217
00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:05,955
A gig's a gig, honey.
218
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,038
Hello! My Little Debbies!
219
00:11:09,955 --> 00:11:11,788
Hey, bitch, you know where to sign me!
220
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,080
Hey, how are you? Oh, honey,
221
00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:15,246
I'm so glad you're better.
222
00:11:15,330 --> 00:11:18,038
Jesus, I can't believe this
is what she's doing today.
223
00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,996
The opening of a pizza franchise?
224
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,538
Is it seriously worth it?
225
00:11:21,621 --> 00:11:23,913
It's worth about 100
grand and some stock.
226
00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,538
- 100 grand?
- And some stock.
227
00:11:25,621 --> 00:11:29,621
Jesus Christ, that's like my
mortgage for, like, two years.
228
00:11:29,705 --> 00:11:31,538
Or is it four?
229
00:11:32,496 --> 00:11:33,955
You're a homeowner?
230
00:11:34,038 --> 00:11:36,746
Yeah, I own a townhouse in LA.
231
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,038
An amazing city I am no longer in.
232
00:11:39,121 --> 00:11:40,663
Are you renting it?
233
00:11:40,746 --> 00:11:43,871
No, 'cause I don't know
when I'm gonna be back.
234
00:11:43,955 --> 00:11:45,955
All right, put your address into Zillow.
235
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,955
This is my curse. I
can't just sit and watch
236
00:11:48,038 --> 00:11:50,663
someone miss an opportunity like this.
237
00:11:50,746 --> 00:11:52,413
Just glad my grandfather
isn't around to see me help
238
00:11:52,496 --> 00:11:54,371
some white girl make passive income.
239
00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:57,496
This is cute.
240
00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:59,163
Oh, you paid too much.
241
00:11:59,246 --> 00:12:00,496
Yeah, I know.
242
00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:02,996
All right, I'm gonna help you rent this.
243
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,163
I'll make some calls.
244
00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:06,288
Really? Man, that's...
245
00:12:06,371 --> 00:12:07,621
that's actually really nice.
246
00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:09,955
Oh, I will be taking a monthly fee.
247
00:12:10,038 --> 00:12:12,121
Okay.
248
00:12:12,205 --> 00:12:13,996
Oh, you have service. I don't.
249
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,330
There's no way I could log in
250
00:12:15,413 --> 00:12:16,705
to my Instagram on your phone, right?
251
00:12:16,788 --> 00:12:18,496
Absolutely not.
252
00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:20,621
Okay, thanks.
253
00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,621
- Damien?
- Mm, sorry.
254
00:12:22,705 --> 00:12:24,413
I don't have unlimited data.
255
00:12:24,496 --> 00:12:27,246
- One, two, three!
- Okay.
256
00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:32,705
Hey, my Little Debbies, pizza's on me!
257
00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:37,371
Hey, do you guys have Wi-Fi?
258
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:40,663
It's not set up yet, but they
do next door at Gun Universe.
259
00:12:40,746 --> 00:12:43,205
Great. Do you know the password?
260
00:12:43,288 --> 00:12:45,955
"Lock her up."
261
00:12:46,038 --> 00:12:48,621
The signal's stronger outside.
262
00:12:48,705 --> 00:12:50,996
Hey, stop flirting. Get over here.
263
00:12:52,663 --> 00:12:54,580
- Do you have anything for me?
- Yes.
264
00:12:54,663 --> 00:12:57,205
Okay, so I once did a 25-tweet thread
265
00:12:57,288 --> 00:12:59,163
from the perspective of my Lexapro,
266
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,038
and it did really well, so I'm thinking,
267
00:13:01,121 --> 00:13:02,788
what if you do something
from the perspective
268
00:13:02,871 --> 00:13:05,205
of the pizza ingredients?
You know, like,
269
00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:08,080
what if the cheese and
pepperoni have history?
270
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,538
What?
271
00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:12,913
Or, I don't know, toss
the dough in the air,
272
00:13:12,996 --> 00:13:15,246
try to get it to land on your head?
273
00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:17,413
Great.
274
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,080
Okay.
275
00:13:20,371 --> 00:13:22,413
Whoa, you think these are big now?
276
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,371
Wait till they rise! Heh!
277
00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:32,996
Fuck.
278
00:13:35,538 --> 00:13:37,413
Man, that smells good!
All right, step right up.
279
00:13:37,496 --> 00:13:38,913
Anybody, don't be shy!
What are you having?
280
00:13:38,996 --> 00:13:40,496
- Pepperoni!
- Hey, so I can have a friend
281
00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,580
stage your place, but
he needs a key to get in.
282
00:13:42,663 --> 00:13:44,413
Oh, you know what? My
ex actually has a key,
283
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:46,038
but can I use your phone to call her?
284
00:13:46,121 --> 00:13:47,788
I don't have service.
Like, it's not going through
285
00:13:47,871 --> 00:13:49,371
- with my calls, I just...
- All right, fine, fine, fine.
286
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:50,871
- Just make it quick.
- Thank you so much.
287
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,371
- I really appreciate it.
- Yeah.
288
00:14:00,746 --> 00:14:03,038
Hi, it's Ruby. Leave a message.
289
00:14:03,121 --> 00:14:04,455
Hey, it's Ava.
290
00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:07,330
So, first of all,
291
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,205
just go ahead and disregard
the picture I sent you.
292
00:14:10,288 --> 00:14:12,080
So just don't even... yeah,
293
00:14:12,163 --> 00:14:14,371
don't even... like
it didn't even happen.
294
00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:17,121
I'm calling, actually,
because you have a key
295
00:14:17,205 --> 00:14:19,038
to my apartment, and
I need it, so if you
296
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:20,538
could just call me back...
297
00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:22,538
That would be... oh,
that's probably you.
298
00:14:25,288 --> 00:14:26,871
Okay, no, it's not.
299
00:14:26,955 --> 00:14:28,455
Oh, you know what? You're
probably not picking up
300
00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:31,121
'cause it's a weird number. I'm gonna
hang up and text you that it's me.
301
00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:33,455
I'm gonna call you right back.
302
00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:35,705
Okay.
303
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,663
- Who is this?
- Um, Ava.
304
00:14:43,746 --> 00:14:45,955
Oh, God. It's Fabriziana.
305
00:14:46,038 --> 00:14:47,371
Oh, hey, what's going on?
306
00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:48,538
I'm only picking up Ruby's phone
307
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:49,996
because it keeps going off.
308
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,580
- You just ruined a take.
- Oh, shit.
309
00:14:51,663 --> 00:14:53,121
My bad. I'm sorry.
310
00:14:53,205 --> 00:14:55,330
Is it true you're
working for Deborah Vance?
311
00:14:57,580 --> 00:15:01,121
Yeah, I mean, it's kind
of research for something
312
00:15:01,205 --> 00:15:03,330
that I'm working... a project.
313
00:15:03,413 --> 00:15:06,288
So you're writing for her QVC show?
314
00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:08,996
No, she's actually a very successful
315
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,080
comedian with a historic residency.
316
00:15:11,163 --> 00:15:13,788
Ava, she needs jokes on side salads!
317
00:15:15,288 --> 00:15:16,330
Huh.
318
00:15:16,413 --> 00:15:18,121
Well, we're rolling again, so...
319
00:15:18,246 --> 00:15:19,705
Yeah, us too. I gotta go.
320
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:22,080
I'll talk to you later, bye.
321
00:15:26,121 --> 00:15:28,205
A very happy client.
322
00:15:28,288 --> 00:15:30,538
Here, you missed a
call from the water guy.
323
00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:33,205
Ooh, Deb, what if we get
a photo with you, like,
324
00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:35,080
with the pizza on fire, you know?
325
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:39,121
- That's hilarious!
- Don't do that.
326
00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:43,205
- Excuse me?
- It's degrading.
327
00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:45,330
Degrading for who?
328
00:15:45,413 --> 00:15:47,038
You?
329
00:15:47,121 --> 00:15:49,705
Oh, and you're telling
me what's degrading?
330
00:15:49,788 --> 00:15:52,288
See, I knew were
judging me for that nude.
331
00:15:52,371 --> 00:15:54,038
Whoa, okay.
332
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,205
You don't have to.
333
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,205
No, no. I think it's funny.
334
00:15:57,288 --> 00:15:59,733
Really? 'Cause I think if
you thought it was funny,
335
00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:02,455
you would have opened
that package this morning.
336
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,788
This is what I do.
337
00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:15,871
If you have a problem with
it, you can just fuck off.
338
00:16:15,955 --> 00:16:16,996
Simone!
339
00:16:18,246 --> 00:16:20,080
Now, let's do some soot,
340
00:16:20,163 --> 00:16:22,246
tease the hair up a little bit.
341
00:16:41,496 --> 00:16:44,163
- Is she gonna kill me?
- Well, that wasn't great.
342
00:16:44,246 --> 00:16:46,246
And unfortunately for you,
her afternoon just freed up,
343
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:49,455
and she does not like idle time.
344
00:16:52,621 --> 00:16:53,913
So the St. Jude's people
345
00:16:53,996 --> 00:16:56,496
rescheduled today's Skype for next week.
346
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,330
Oh, okay. So then what?
347
00:16:59,413 --> 00:17:02,330
It looks like you have the
rest of the afternoon off.
348
00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:15,955
Okay, I'm sorry for what I said.
349
00:17:16,038 --> 00:17:17,580
But I was just in a really...
350
00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:19,663
- Pull over.
- What?
351
00:17:22,871 --> 00:17:24,996
Whoa, whoa.
352
00:17:25,913 --> 00:17:27,996
Come on!
353
00:17:33,705 --> 00:17:35,163
That's right, that's the Luxor light.
354
00:17:35,246 --> 00:17:36,621
It's the strongest
light beam in the world,
355
00:17:36,705 --> 00:17:38,996
could be seen from over 300 miles away.
356
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,871
Now, that's bright.
357
00:17:40,955 --> 00:17:43,246
All right, listen up, y'all.
This doesn't happen often,
358
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,871
but when it does, it's always a treat.
359
00:17:46,955 --> 00:17:50,246
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm pleased to present
360
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:55,288
the Queen of Sin City herself,
Ms. Deborah Vance, y'all!
361
00:17:56,913 --> 00:17:59,080
Hey, you guys, thank you!
362
00:17:59,163 --> 00:18:01,163
Thanks, sweetie. Thank you.
363
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,746
Thank you, thank you.
364
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:05,788
You know, I have lived in
Vegas for almost 30 years.
365
00:18:05,871 --> 00:18:09,538
I have a story for
every corner you can see.
366
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,121
I mean... oh, that telephone pole,
367
00:18:11,205 --> 00:18:14,038
my daughter once wrapped
her car around that pole,
368
00:18:14,121 --> 00:18:16,288
and I had to pay to replace it.
369
00:18:16,371 --> 00:18:19,121
Of course, I'm not the first person
to pay for stiff wood in this town.
370
00:18:19,205 --> 00:18:20,538
What?
371
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,413
Now, that's Vegas for you.
372
00:18:22,496 --> 00:18:23,788
You, sir, what do you do?
373
00:18:23,871 --> 00:18:26,538
- I'm a doctor.
- Oh, I love doctors.
374
00:18:26,621 --> 00:18:28,371
Some of my most intimate relationships
375
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,538
have been with doctors...
376
00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:31,746
at my physical.
377
00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,871
No, seriously, if you have
the right health insurance,
378
00:18:34,955 --> 00:18:36,621
there is no need to date.
379
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:41,205
Hey, you, the sad little
girl with the big hands,
380
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,746
where are you from?
Yeah, her in the blue?
381
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,996
- Los Angeles.
- Ooh, Hollywood.
382
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,330
You know what they say. Everybody there
383
00:18:50,413 --> 00:18:52,455
is so vapid and obsessed with image.
384
00:18:52,538 --> 00:18:54,080
Well, clearly not.
385
00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:55,580
You know, just asking for a friend,
386
00:18:55,663 --> 00:18:57,455
which landscaping company did your hair?
387
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:03,580
Oh, I kid. I kid. I actually
know this young lady.
388
00:19:03,663 --> 00:19:06,330
She is a new employee of mine.
389
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,080
But she did tell me that a
joke I do is degrading to me.
390
00:19:12,163 --> 00:19:14,580
And I thought, "Well, that's
rich," because this morning,
391
00:19:14,663 --> 00:19:17,746
I found her taking a nude selfie.
392
00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:18,871
Uh-oh.
393
00:19:18,955 --> 00:19:20,621
Oh, no, don't get too excited.
394
00:19:20,705 --> 00:19:22,413
I haven't seen breasts that pale and sad
395
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:24,621
since I toured the
Tyson Chicken factory.
396
00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:28,455
She never toured the
Tyson Chicken factory.
397
00:19:28,538 --> 00:19:30,455
Folks, you should have seen
her running around all day
398
00:19:30,538 --> 00:19:32,288
refreshing that little phone.
399
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:36,121
Didn't get one response to that nude.
400
00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:38,538
- Ouch!
- Can you imagine?
401
00:19:38,621 --> 00:19:40,788
I mean, that would be like
going up to Harvey Weinstein's
402
00:19:40,871 --> 00:19:43,580
hotel suite and him
saying, "You know what?
403
00:19:43,663 --> 00:19:45,288
Let's just find a conference room."
404
00:19:49,538 --> 00:19:50,746
Do you think if I jumped, I'd die,
405
00:19:50,830 --> 00:19:52,413
- or just break my legs?
- Shh.
406
00:19:52,496 --> 00:19:54,121
Vegas, you know, we're like Mecca,
407
00:19:54,205 --> 00:19:56,205
but instead of Muslims,
we attract people
408
00:19:56,288 --> 00:19:58,871
with bad tattoos and low credit scores.
409
00:20:02,038 --> 00:20:05,288
Barry, Cara, Mommy's home. Mommy's home.
410
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,621
You want a treat? Let's get a treat.
411
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,538
Come on, here we go. Here we go.
412
00:20:09,621 --> 00:20:12,371
Oh, hey, thanks for the key.
413
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:13,663
- What?
- Your friend put the key
414
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,163
to your apartment under your mat.
415
00:20:15,246 --> 00:20:16,830
My guy said your stuff
is mostly in boxes,
416
00:20:16,913 --> 00:20:18,330
so he put them in storage.
417
00:20:18,413 --> 00:20:19,788
And I should have it
rented by next week.
418
00:20:19,871 --> 00:20:22,330
Oh, okay.
419
00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:24,580
"Thank you, Marcus."
420
00:20:24,663 --> 00:20:26,413
"You look so good today, Marcus."
421
00:20:26,496 --> 00:20:30,330
That girl. Just no class.
422
00:20:35,705 --> 00:20:37,621
Hey, did you get the key?
423
00:20:37,705 --> 00:20:39,538
Yeah, I got it.
424
00:20:41,121 --> 00:20:43,163
You really shouldn't
have sent that photo.
425
00:20:43,246 --> 00:20:45,746
- But you said you missed me.
- I do miss you.
426
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,163
As a friend.
427
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,163
I'm back with Kelly, and you know that.
428
00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:51,496
Well, she didn't make
you happy the first time,
429
00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:53,371
so I was just reading between the lines.
430
00:20:53,455 --> 00:20:54,871
Ava, dude.
431
00:20:54,955 --> 00:20:57,038
- I'm having déjà vu.
- What?
432
00:21:00,205 --> 00:21:02,705
I hate when you yell at me in Spanish!
433
00:21:02,788 --> 00:21:05,246
I'm not that far in Duolingo.
434
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,163
This is exactly why we broke up.
435
00:21:07,246 --> 00:21:08,538
You think that you know everybody
436
00:21:08,621 --> 00:21:10,580
better than they know themselves.
437
00:21:10,663 --> 00:21:13,371
Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, I...
438
00:21:14,246 --> 00:21:16,538
I'm sorry. I just...
439
00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:21,121
I'm just having a really
hard time, you know?
440
00:21:21,205 --> 00:21:25,080
I wanna work on stuff that's...
I don't know, meaningful.
441
00:21:25,163 --> 00:21:27,163
I'm just spending my days
writing for this woman
442
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:29,163
who... she just kicks
people when they're down,
443
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,830
including herself.
444
00:21:30,913 --> 00:21:34,330
Well, that must be hard on you.
445
00:21:36,038 --> 00:21:37,538
How's your dad doing?
446
00:21:37,621 --> 00:21:41,455
He's... alive.
447
00:21:41,538 --> 00:21:44,246
Okay, back to what's actually important.
448
00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:46,913
So I'm hearing that you
didn't like the nude?
449
00:21:46,996 --> 00:21:49,455
Is that possible?
450
00:21:49,538 --> 00:21:50,788
No comment.
451
00:21:50,871 --> 00:21:53,163
Hey, if you're in Vegas,
452
00:21:53,246 --> 00:21:56,121
you really need to
start wearing sunscreen.
453
00:21:56,205 --> 00:21:59,871
Well, yeah, but then I would
have to start washing my face
454
00:21:59,955 --> 00:22:02,704
- at night, and you know I'm not gonna do that.
- Mm-hmm.
455
00:22:02,705 --> 00:22:03,746
Right, of course you're not.
456
00:22:03,830 --> 00:22:05,830
Anyway, how are you?
457
00:22:05,913 --> 00:22:07,538
I'm actually great,
458
00:22:07,621 --> 00:22:09,580
but I do have to go.
459
00:22:09,663 --> 00:22:10,788
Okay.
460
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,580
Bye, Ava.
461
00:22:12,663 --> 00:22:14,371
Bye.
462
00:22:19,663 --> 00:22:21,788
Oh, my God!
463
00:22:30,538 --> 00:22:32,955
Shoes off.
464
00:22:57,038 --> 00:22:58,996
Oh, and we got a call about
a regional corporate retreat
465
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,996
for ADT Security.
They're looking for an MC.
466
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,788
Any other letters I should know about?
467
00:23:03,871 --> 00:23:06,455
"K," as in 5OK.
468
00:23:06,538 --> 00:23:08,580
Huh.
469
00:23:08,663 --> 00:23:11,080
- What do you think?
- I think it should be 75.
470
00:23:11,163 --> 00:23:12,538
But I can get 'em there.
471
00:23:17,580 --> 00:23:20,038
- Book it.
- Love.
472
00:23:20,121 --> 00:23:23,121
And that's all I have for you today.
473
00:23:23,205 --> 00:23:26,080
Marcus, what would I do without you?
474
00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:28,955
- I think you'd be fine.
- Mm.
475
00:23:29,038 --> 00:23:30,788
Oh, you know what? Have the grounds guys
476
00:23:30,871 --> 00:23:32,663
cut back on the sprinklers.
I don't want to ever
477
00:23:32,746 --> 00:23:35,330
have to see that water Nazi again.
478
00:23:35,413 --> 00:23:37,121
Sure.
479
00:25:05,913 --> 00:25:07,955
Okay.
480
00:25:12,580 --> 00:25:14,080
Ladies and gentlemen,
481
00:25:14,163 --> 00:25:17,246
welcome to "Late Night
with Deborah Vance."
482
00:25:17,330 --> 00:25:22,705
Please welcome the one,
the only, Deborah Vance.
483
00:25:25,538 --> 00:25:27,663
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
484
00:25:27,746 --> 00:25:30,205
Now, do not adjust your TV sets.
485
00:25:30,288 --> 00:25:33,413
This is "Late Night,"
and yes, I am a woman.
486
00:25:33,496 --> 00:25:35,621
I know it's very confusing.
487
00:25:35,705 --> 00:25:37,788
My accountant didn't even know
what to put on my tax returns,
488
00:25:37,871 --> 00:25:39,580
so he just wrote "mouthy broad."
489
00:25:41,955 --> 00:25:43,830
But I really love being in charge.
490
00:25:43,913 --> 00:25:46,496
My very first order of
business was to make sure
491
00:25:46,580 --> 00:25:50,205
the workplace was safe
for all the ladies.
492
00:25:50,288 --> 00:25:54,663
So on day one, I gave every
man a pair of mittens...
493
00:25:54,746 --> 00:25:55,996
and every woman a gun.
494
00:25:58,705 --> 00:26:00,205
And that was just the start.
495
00:26:00,288 --> 00:26:03,580
Next, I instituted a breastfeeding room.
496
00:26:03,663 --> 00:26:04,996
The only problem was,
497
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,788
those executives were really hungry.
498
00:26:08,455 --> 00:26:09,996
But I actually do think about this show
499
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,330
the way I think about my babies.
500
00:26:12,413 --> 00:26:14,246
I conceived both with Merv Griffin.
501
00:26:15,788 --> 00:26:17,121
Knowing Merv, he's gonna wanna cancel it
502
00:26:17,205 --> 00:26:19,580
in the first trimester.
503
00:26:19,663 --> 00:26:21,830
Oh, get over it.
504
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:25,621
Abortion is legal now,
thanks to Roe v. Wade.
505
00:26:25,705 --> 00:26:27,288
And thank God, 'cause back in Berkeley,
506
00:26:27,371 --> 00:26:29,455
all we had was sophomore v. staircase.
507
00:26:38,871 --> 00:26:41,455
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
508
00:26:42,996 --> 00:26:45,455
Before we...
509
00:26:45,538 --> 00:26:46,955
before we say goodbye,
510
00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:50,205
there's something I just want to say.
511
00:26:50,288 --> 00:26:53,121
Tonight has been the honor of my life.
512
00:26:54,996 --> 00:26:57,913
It's always been a dream of mine, and...
513
00:26:57,996 --> 00:27:00,746
I'm just so... oh, I'm such a big baby.
514
00:27:00,830 --> 00:27:02,038
Yeah, get over here. Get over here.
515
00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,538
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
516
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:05,580
I'm just so proud to host the show,
517
00:27:05,663 --> 00:27:10,246
and I'm even more proud
to share it with my family.
518
00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:13,121
Frank, my husband.
519
00:27:13,205 --> 00:27:15,246
I love you.
520
00:27:15,330 --> 00:27:18,121
And Kathy, my sister and my best friend,
521
00:27:18,205 --> 00:27:22,205
and to that little
munchkin who's in your arms.
522
00:27:25,830 --> 00:27:27,538
Okay.
523
00:27:27,621 --> 00:27:29,163
Okay, all right. Hang on.
524
00:27:29,246 --> 00:27:30,705
Yeah? Okay, come here, baby.
525
00:27:30,788 --> 00:27:33,413
Come here. Come here.
526
00:27:33,496 --> 00:27:35,246
Oh, all right. Can you say,
527
00:27:35,330 --> 00:27:37,788
- "See you tomorrow night"?
- See you tomorrow night!
528
00:28:08,956 --> 00:28:13,956
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
38434
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