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TIM: ♪ Yeah

♪ I'm in a cage

Can you see me?

I'm up here in this cage.

♪ Yeah, check it

♪ I'm in a cage

♪ I'm in a cage

♪ I'm in a cage, motherfucker,
Cage, motherfucker

♪ Can you see me?
I'm in a cage

♪ I'm in a cage and it's come to the stage
where I can't be persuaded

♪ To set foot on stage
until some punk has paid

♪ For a cage because a cage is all the rage

♪ In this day and age for the proper famous

♪ It's outrageous it's taken me ages
to come to the stage

♪ Where I'm arriving on stages in cages

♪ There's probably subtext,
Are you picking it up?

♪ It's a metaphor for...
Who gives a fuck?

♪ I'm in a cage

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

♪ I'm in a cage

♪ I could've swung in on a swing

♪ Done the Britney and Pink thing

♪ And then I could have linked it
to the ups and downs of existence

♪ I could've flown in a 'copter

♪ Rode in on a chopper

♪ Drop down on a wire
Emerge from a fire

♪ There's only one place
for the genuine stars

♪ And that's hanging out in bars

♪ Nothing ruins comedy like arenas

♪ That is a well established fact

♪ But your enjoyment is not as important
as my self-esteem is

♪ My ego's the only thing
you can see clearly from the back

♪ But I'm quite famous now
so suck my balls

♪ I've sold my tickets,
my job is done

♪ Fuck you all

♪ Who cares about quality?

♪ This is not about you,
this is all about me

♪ And my tiny little penis
and flogging DVDs

♪ So bring it on,
bring it on

♪ Fuck the punters, bring it on

♪ I am a rock star, motherfucker

♪ And I won't be one for long
So bring it on, bring it on

♪ You got to make hay
in the shining sun

♪ You got to rock on the way up

♪ 'Cause the only way to go from here is down

♪ But I'm trapped for now
And the fact for now

♪ Is there's no escaping this

♪ I'm wearing baseball caps to hide my face

♪ So the paps don't snap my kids

♪ All I ever wanted was to sing my little songs

♪ But now I'm pregnant in Hello mag

♪ And I'm overweight in Cosmopolitan

♪ So bring it on

♪ Before too long my wife and kids
will be gone, gone, gone

♪ And I'll have wanked myself to death

♪ In the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons
So bring it on, bring it on

♪ Phone the hookers,
stoke the bongs

♪ I am a rock star,
I've got a fucking orchestra

♪ I can do what I fucking want

♪ I thought fame would make me happy

♪ But she's a fickle, cheap romance

♪ No one even listens to my lyrics

♪ They just wanna see me dance

ORCHESTRA: (CHANTING)
Dance, dance, dance, dance!

♪ I'm in a cage

♪ All the real stars are hanging out in bars

♪ I'm in a cage
♪ Hanging out in bars

♪ I'm in a cage
♪ All the real stars are hanging out in bars

♪ I'm in a cage
♪ Hanging out in bars

♪ Bars, bars ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(PLAYING PIANO)

♪ He doesn't have a problem with drugs

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ He just doesn't get them

♪ He's fine that his mates have tattoos

♪ But he thinks they'll regret them

♪ He likes going to pubs

♪ But he hates it when the music's too loud

♪ He tends not to go to rock concerts

♪ 'Cause he can't stand the crowds

♪ But all he's ever wanted to be

♪ Is a rock star on MTV

♪ But he knows
that it's not fucking likely

♪ He's in his mid 30s

♪ He knows that he will always be

♪ A rock 'n' roll nerd

♪ He'll keep writing songs
the world will never hear

♪ And though they won't be heard

♪ He'll just keep writing

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ But you see the problem is

♪ He always dreamt of being a star

♪ But he learned piano instead of guitar

♪ Which in the 90s didn't get you very far

♪ So while all the other kids
were learning Stairway

♪ He was the piano to their forte

♪ But he was convinced one day

♪ He'd rock their fucking asses

♪ And be an icon
for the disenfranchised masses

♪ And grow his hair long
And rebel against the state

♪ But just for now that'd have to wait

♪ 'Cause he's running late
for his morning classes

♪ And he will always be

♪ A rock 'n' roll nerd

♪ He'll keep playing gigs
that no one knows about

♪ And though it sounds absurd
He'll just keep playing

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ But you see the problem is

♪ There's not much depth
in what he's singing

♪ He's a victim of his happy
middle class upbringing

♪ So he can't write about the hood

♪ Or bling bling

♪ So he sits and imagines
his girlfriend is dead

♪ To try and invoke some angst
in his middle class head

♪ But the bitch is always fine at half past nine

♪ When they go to bed

♪ And he's not spent a single night in prison

♪ He has no issues with nutrition

♪ He has no drinking problem

♪ And no drug addiction

♪ Unless you count the drugs
they put in chicken

♪ And marijuana always tends
to make him cough

♪ He doesn't look good with his t-shirt off

♪ And when he tries to act tough
you can tell he's trickin'

♪ While his mates all go out late

♪ Popping pills and having fun

♪ He stays home and showers

♪ And gets a good eight hours

♪ He gets his thrills from his morning run

♪ And while his mates all go on dates

♪ Taking speed
and drinking cans of Jim Beam

♪ He stays home and cooks
Curls up with a book

♪ With the girl he's had since he was 17

♪ 'Cause he's never really been
part of the scene

♪ Give him Guns N' Roses, he'll take Queen

♪ He's more into Beatles than the Stones

♪ He's more Stevie Wonder than Ramones

♪ And he's never owned a transit van

♪ He's never shot a Pantera fan

♪ He doesn't know the difference
between metal and thrash

♪ He couldn't tell you nothing
about Axel and Slash

♪ He likes Ben Folds and the Jackson Five

♪ He knows all the words to Staying Alive

♪ And though he tries
to be all grungy and cool

♪ He spent 11 years
at a motherfucking private school

♪ So it don't matter how he tries

♪ He cannot hide behind his rock 'n' roll lies

♪ 'Cause you've either got it or you don't

♪ You'll either rock it or you won't

♪ Yeah, you've either got it or you don't

♪ You'll either rock it or you won't

♪ Yeah, you've either got it or you don't

♪ Yeah, you'll either rock it or you won't

♪ You either rock it, rock it, rock it
Oh, you've either got it or you don't

♪ Yeah, you'll either rock it or you won't

♪ Yeah, you've either got it or you don't

♪ Yeah, you'll either rock it or you won't

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ He knows that his music lacks depth

♪ But it just can't be helped

♪ He has nothing interesting to say

♪ So he writes about himself

♪ But he doesn't want to seem self-obsessed

♪ So he writes in third person

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

♪ In an attempt to seem more rock 'n' roll
But he suspects it's not working

♪ And deep in his heart he knows

♪ He will never be Bono or Bowie

♪ And even if he was quite pretty

♪ With tight buns like Kylie

♪ He knows that he

♪ Will always

♪ Be a rock 'n' roll nerd

♪ He'll keep writing songs
the world will never hear

♪ And though they won't be
No, they won't be heard

♪ He'll just keep writing

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ You might not like him

♪ But he don't care

♪ Because he wants to rock
and he will never be deterred

♪ But he'll always be a fucked up little

♪ Try-hard, wannabe

♪ Rock 'n' roll

♪ Oh

♪ Nerd ♪

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Hello.

Hello. It's all right. It's nice.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Losers!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- It's a circle.
-(FAN SCREAMING)

It's nice to see
you've nominated a spokesperson.

That's excellent.

And the consensus is...

...that you love me. That's incredible.

Let's um... Oh, fuck off!

Let's uh, skip the niceties

and have an enormous orgy.

You have a panda bear

eating a cupcake and saying, "Yum."

She doesn't actually have a panda bear.
It's on her shirt.

Ah, it's ironic. It's a joke.

Based on the fact that we all know
that panda bears only eat...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bamboo.

It's good. It's witty.

It's subtle.

Always got to look
for the subtext in everything.

Except what I do,
which is all just very literal.

It's good.

It's not a cracking start, but it's good.

We are having fun.
Oh, this? This is my orchestra.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

This is the Heritage Orchestra,
ladies and gentlemen.

All of those guys.

Yeah, all right. Sit down.
Me, me, it's about me.

It's nice to finally have

my orchestra.

I have always felt deep down

that at the very least I deserve

an entire symphony orchestra.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just following me around in everyday life,
really, in case...

In case I feel the need to emote
but I can't find the words.

Wow! You're really...

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING SOULFUL MUSIC)

Beautiful.

- What the fuck are you looking at?
-(ORCHESTRA PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC)

It's handy. Adds impact.

Although there are disadvantages
to having an orchestra around the whole time.

Um, instrumentalists tend to be
quite hard to control.

Just one example.
Recently I've been quite stressed.

And you know there's people,
when they get stressed they get thin.

When I get stressed, I get...

cheese and baguettes.

And unfortunately tuba players
tend to be pretty...

(PLAYING DERISIVE TUNE)

Harsh.

In a monologue.

-(ORCHESTRA PLAYING CONFUSED MUSIC)
- Wow, that tuba gag didn't go very well.

I wonder if it's because it's a bit of a cliché.

Maybe it's just incongruous

because although I'm quite paranoid
about my body shape,

I'm not actually obese enough
to carry off the gag.

I bet John Candy could have got away
with a joke like that.

He was amazing.

Aww, it's so sad about his death.

He was one of the finest comics
of our generation.

Cool Runnings, was one of the best
bobsled movies I have ever seen.

The other disadvantage to
having an orchestra is...

Actually, to be honest, when I first started
trying to write this show,

I thought I've got an orchestra,
this incredible musical resource

and I wanted to inject my show
with quotes from the great symphonies

and the great film scores of our times

but I very quickly ran into copyright issues...

Because I don't know if you knew this

but if you wanna play any music
written by somebody else...

(PLAYING JAWS THEME)

...if you play it for more than,
I think its eight seconds,

-you end up having to pay...
-(PLAYING PSYCHO THEME)

...royalties.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You got two and a half hours of jokes like this
and then we'll fuck off.

It'll be perfect.

Speaking of royalty...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

William and Catherine got married today.

The interesting thing about
the royal wedding is...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Speaking off things I don't give a fuck about,
this is my band.

This is... Oh, it' a joke.
I do give a fuck about you.

And about Will and Rachel... Kate.

Uh, this is Pete.
My best player Pete Clements.

He's very, very handsome.

Uh...

Neither of the boys did very well
with the iron today, but that's all right.

They've got reasonably handsome faces.

And this is Brad Webb. He plays drums.

Because their names are Brad and Pete,

I call them the B&P band.

And I was going to call this tour
Tim Minchin and the B&P band.

And then I thought
that might not necessarily attract the...

Kind of punters, 'cause I don't...

My politics don't necessarily agree
with all the politics of the BNP.

Right. Because...

It's just that some of their policies I find

don't necessarily align philosophically
with how I... It's...

I'm not a racist.

Well, who am I to say?

It's not really for me to judge.
I don't think I'm racist enough

to join the BNP.

(STAMMERING) I really... I do...

I abhor racism in all its forms.

I think there is only one thing in this world,

that I hate more than racists...

Filipinos.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I've never met a Filipino I don't not like.

And you can write to my website
to try and explain why that's justifiable.

This is Jules Buckley. Jules Buckley is
the conductor of the Heritage Orchestra.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I love him. And this is the guy...

I pay him to pretend to be doing
what I tell him to do.

But actually I'm scared shitless of him
because...

Because he's scary.

And because he has got this,
and it makes him look like Harry Potter.

Hold this. Hold this.

It's exactly like Harry Potter.

Except you don't have a scar or...
And you're not magic.

And you didn't get abused under a staircase
by your uncle.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Although something clearly went wrong.

And you don't have an owl, as far as I know.

Or an obese gardener.
Or a headmaster.

Or a dead, gay headmaster. Spoiler alert!

And...

Without Hermione,
who used to be a little child,

and now I want to watch her in the shower.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

She used to... And now,
I quite like to watch her

all her witchy friends

taking a shower.

I don't know much about morality,
but I do know what I shouldn't like.

Rigamortius ejaculatum!

Nothing?

Not even a...

Not even a tingling?

It's hard to tell if it works, really,
in the moment.

Maybe next time you have an orgasm,
your semen will be rock solid.

(LAUGHING)

Little pebbles, petrified.

I would be.

Do you not... Doesn't feel any...

How do we...

How do we know if it worked?

Could you tweet me
next time you ejaculate?

Because that is not weird.
I'm an empiricist.

There is no point doing experiments
if I can't analyse the datum.

Maybe you could rub one out now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It'll be different and we'd find out
and it would probably be the world's first...

public orchestrated ejaculation.

Probably not the world's first actually,
there's always the Germans.

Ah, the Germans.

Illuminatum Expelliramus!

Quick! Finger someone you don't know.

And stop.

Illuminatum Funkypinkos.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, all right, Jules.
You're meant to stop me. That's your job.

Controlling me.

That's your job, bitch.

Fucking do your job, bitch.

Highly trained.

Quite good at fighting.

World-renowned.

Classical conductor, bitch. Yeah.

Anyway, this is really...

I thought I'd take the opportunity
of playing the Royal Albert Hall

to do some new material.

Because I think it's good
to try out new material

on the largest possible data set.

'Cause otherwise if you play to a small group,
anything less than about this,

you run the risk of getting false positives
and false negatives.

So, um, you know.

Less than about 4,500 people
on the p-values is unacceptable rendering...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hmm, interesting.

Usually not a good joke that,

because, sort of, 60% odd of people
who aren't complete statistics nerds

don't know what I'm talking about,

and the 40% of people
who do know what I'm talking about

probably know enough to know that
I don't actually know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, the point I'm making
is I've got these lyrics here

because we had time
to go through the charts,

and 'cause we were working on the chart,
I didn't have time to learn the words.

Because I got people up behind me,

I didn't want to try and surreptitiously
tape the lyrics to the piano.

So, I'm just acknowledging it.
Got the lyrics, putting them here.

And we'll give it a bash. It's a swing tune.

Goes about a 125 bpm, I reckon,

and it appears to be entitled...

Cont.

♪ I don't like Jews

♪ And neither should you

♪ They're ethically and spiritually poor
That's a fact

♪ I don't like black people

♪ It's just not acceptable

♪ There should be some kind of law,
that is that

♪ And I get the shits with Inuits

♪ They get on my tits, the little bastards

♪ And women

♪ Just make me so mad

♪ Does that make me bad, am I bad?
Is that bad?

♪ And the fuckin' Italians

♪ I just cannot stand them

♪ They really inspire my rancour

♪ Cheating, fucking Italian wankers!

♪ And lesbians and the bi-curious
Make me furious

♪ It's not their fault, I know, but still

(GROWLING)

♪ And fuckin' Christians

♪ I just wanna punch 'em in their faces

♪ And I'm not comfortable
with Muslims on the Tube

♪ And I can't stand publicly
breast-feeding mothers

♪ And I hate gays who talk camply

♪ And the fuckin' Chinese make me angry

♪ I hate the rich

♪ I hate the poor

♪ I hate bitches

♪ I hate whores

♪ I hate Africans
I hate Japanese

♪ I hate the disabled Burmese

♪ Yeah, I don't care about
your colour or your creed

♪ I will judge you for no reason ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What?

Is that the end of your chart?

Oh, fuck.

I had this over some of the lyrics, I think.

- Oh, fuck.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Yeah, I'm sorry. I think... Can you go...

We have to start...
I think we'd better do it again.

I think if I left it there
I might run the risk of being misconstrued.

It's not even called Cont, it's called Context.

♪ I don't like Jews

♪ Who make and distribute kiddy porn

♪ And neither should you

♪ Their ethically and spiritually poor,
That's a fact

♪ I don't like black people

♪ Who risk billions of other people's money
gambling on future derivatives

♪ It's just not acceptable

♪ There should be some kind of law,
That is that

♪ And I get the shits with Inuits

♪ Who find out what job I do
And offer me a racist joke or two

♪ They get on my tits, the little bastards

♪ And women

♪ Who judge other women
for not holding the same views as them

♪ Vis-à-vis career and mothering

♪ Just make me so mad

♪ Does that make me bad, am I bad?
Is that bad?

♪ And the fuckin' Italians
I just cannot stand them

♪ When they take a dive in the penalty box
Denying Australia it's World Cup spot

♪ They really inspire my rancour

♪ Cheating, fucking Italian wankers

♪ And lesbians and the bi-curious
Make me furious

♪ When their Pride parade
blocked the traffic flow

♪ When my baby had asthma
and had to go to the hospital

♪ It's not their fault, I know, but still

(GROWLING)

♪ And fuckin' Christians

♪ Who lean on their horn when my wife
is being cautious at an intersection

♪ I just wanna punch 'em in their faces

♪ Although my anger is fleeting

♪ I understand their frustration
She's a little too hesitant

♪ And I'm not comfortable
with Muslims on the Tube

♪ Who look over my shoulder
when I'm reading

♪ And I can't stand publicly
breast-feeding mothers

♪ Who smoke cigarettes while they're feeding

♪ And I hate gays who talk camply

♪ During the final act of King Lear

♪ And the fuckin' Chinese make me angry

♪ When they make sham erection potions
out of the horns of endangered rhinoceri

♪ I hate the rich who use their wealth
as an excuse for bigotry

♪ I hate the poor who use their poverty
as an excuse for bigotry

♪ I hate bitches who get rabies
and try to bite babies

♪ I hate whores who won't accept Visa

♪ I hate African racists
I hate Japanese homophobes

♪ I hate disabled rapists
And Burmese cats

♪ Yeah, I don't care
about your colour or your creed

♪ I will judge you for no reason

♪ But your deeds ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Not really.

Yeah.

Man with a T-shirt saying,
"Creationists are dinosaurs"

caught that, those lyrics.

I don't know. I forget, I forget the joke.

They're behind the times.

They got wiped out in the extinction event.

That maybe...

That'd be good, wouldn't it?

A meteor came, just killed creationists.

Be kind of ironic, the anti-creation.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Noitaerc is the opposite of creation.

As far as I understand, it's not relevant,
it's just me trying to be clever.

If we look back on the tape and I got it wrong,
we'll edit it out of the DVD.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Noitaerc.

Aerc.

So my wife,

was at the hairdresser,

and she was sitting next to this guy...

She witnessed this kinda thing
at the hairdresser.

She was sitting next to a guy who was getting
his hair cut by a pretty, young woman.

And he had one of those gowns on
that you get at the hairdresser.

And half way through his haircut,
the hairdresser noticed this, sort of...

action under the gown,

and she went, "What the hell are you doing?

"How dare you do that in my hairdresser
shop?" and she ripped off the cape.

And he says, "I'm just cleaning my glasses.

"They were absolutely covered in semen."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Sometimes when I'm feeling insecure,

I think that the spam that I get on the e-mail

is sent directly to me.

Most of the time I understand...

As far as I know spam just works
on the law of large numbers.

You know, you send an advertisement
for a particular product to enough people

and odds are you'll get a hit
just 'cause you sent it to enough people.

But sometimes I imagine there's a sort of
Julian Assange figure out there somewhere

building a profile on me and sending e-mail.

And the other day I got a spam e-mail
for a penis enlargement kit

and I felt quite defensive.

I was like, "Fuck off! Fuck you, man! Fuck!"

I don't need a penis enlargement kit!

(STAMMERING) I don't.

I don't need a penis enlargement kit.

I'm perfectly happy with the penis
enlargement kit I've got at home.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(STAMMERING)

We're as insecure as women.

It's not as publicly, sort of,
acknowledged, that.

But I feel bad about my body.

And then, the other day,
it was a couple of months ago now,

I was in London and I was leaning on a bar.

(STAMMERING)

I was leaning on a bar in Camden,

trying to get a drink and I was wearing
skinny jeans like these ones

because some time ago, I forgot that I was
meant to be wearing them ironically,

-and I was...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I was leaning on a bar
and there was a mirror behind the bar,

behind the spirits.
You know, sometimes there's a mirror.

And I noticed this woman.

Women, I know you're used
to being checked out, right? But I...

I've never consciously been checked out.

And this woman, I was watching her.

And she was properly undressing me
with her eyes, you know.

And then when she'd finished,
she went like this.

(RETCHING)

And then, still using only her eyes,

she dressed me again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And when she'd finished, she added
a jacket and a hat that weren't even mine.

So I was feeling, you know, insecure.

And I made that mistake
that we often make,

which is to go fishing for affirmation

and I was whinging to this female friend
of my wife and mine

about how I wasn't feeling
very good about myself.

And she said,
"But, Tim, you're deceptively thin."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, I think she was trying to be nice

but there are two ways
you can take that comment.

And they're both insults.

'Cause either she was saying that I look thin
but it's deceptive,

'cause on closer examination,
I'm actually quite fat.

Or she was saying that I am thin
but it's deceptive

'cause to look at from a distance,
you'd think I was quite a porker.

So I punched her deceptively softly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right in her unambiguously stupid face.

The point I was trying to make is,
I have a wife.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, although, actually
I don't like to call her my wife.

That word.

I don't know if it's just men in my generation
or it's just me,

but I think the term, "This is my wife",
you have that sense of proprietary...

You know that sort of,
"This is something I own. Here is my wife."

I just... It just gives the feminist in me...

What?

I have a feminist in me.

Keep her in a cage.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, I do.

I've long since been advocating the use
of the term "Vaginally Endowed Life Partner".

With, I'm not too proud to admit,
limited success

but I'm nothing if not tenacious.

Anyway, my VELP and I, we've been...

Have been together a long time.
Some 18 years.

Since we were...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I don't need your fucking pity.

(LAUGHS)

What's that about? But I do, actually...

I sort of do because I lost my virginity

to my wife.

That's how I knew she was VE
before I made her my LP.

And when someone's been

in your life for that long,

it's easy to assume that we're soul mates.

To kind of analyse it like that
and say we were meant to be together.

That it's not just spam,
that she was sent, you know.

And so I'd like to perform a song
that I wrote for my one true love.

Actually that's not entirely true either.

In our early 20s, Sarah and I broke up for a bit

and I fell in love with a another woman
but she's been deleted from my history

for the sake of my comic narrative.

Like the aborigines massacred at Forest River
and all the nice Nazis,

neither history nor comedy
are particularly served by ambiguity.

This is a song for my Sarah,
it's called If I Didn't Have You.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you to hold me tight

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you to lie with at night

♪ When I'm feeling blue

♪ If I didn't have you to share my sighs

♪ Share my sighs

♪ And to kiss me
And dry my tears when I cry

♪ Well, I really think that I would

♪ Have somebody else

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you, someone else would do

♪ Your love is one in a million
♪ One in a million

♪ You couldn't buy it at any price
♪ Can't buy love

♪ But of the 9. 999 hundred thousand
other possible loves

♪ Statistically,
some of them would be equally nice

♪ Equally nice

♪ Or maybe not as nice
but, say, smarter than you

♪ Or dumber but better at sport or colouring

♪ I'm just saying I
♪ Really think that I

♪ I think I'd probably
♪ Have somebody else

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you someone else would do

♪ Someone else would surely do

♪ If I were a rich man

♪ Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-
diddle-diddle-diddle-dee

♪ I guess I would be with
A surgeon or a model

♪ Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy

♪ Or a nymphomonical exhibitionist heiress
to a large chain of hotels

♪ If I were a rich man, maybe I would fiddle

♪ Fiddle-diddle-diddle with the rich man girls

♪ I'm not saying that I'd not love you
if I were wealthy or handsome

♪ But realistically
there's lots offish in the sea

♪ And if I had a different rod
I would conceivably land some

♪ Even though I am
fiscally consistently pitiable

♪ And considerably less
Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful

♪ Am I really so poor and ugly that you
think only you could possibly love me?

♪ And I
♪ Really think that I would

♪ I think I'd probably
♪ Have somebody else

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you
♪ If I didn't have you

♪ Someone else would surely do

♪ And look, I'm not undervaluing
what we've got when I say

♪ That given the role chaos inevitably plays
in the inherently flawed notion of "fate"

♪ It's obtuse to deduce
I've found my soul mate at the age of 17

♪ It's just mathematically unlikely
that at a university in Perth

♪ I happened to stumble on the one girl
on Earth specifically designed for me

♪ And if I may conjecture a further objection

♪ Love has nothing to do
with destined perfection

♪ The connection is strengthened,
the affection simply grows over time

♪ Like a flower or a mushroom

♪ Or a guinea pig or a vine

♪ Or a sponge or bigotry

♪ Or a banana

♪ And love is made more powerful
by the ongoing drama of shared experience

♪ And the synergy of a kind of
symbiotic empathy or something like that

♪ So I trust it goes without saying

♪ That I would feel really very sad

♪ If tomorrow you were
to fall off something high

♪ Or catch something bad

♪ But I'm just saying

♪ I don't think you're special

♪ I mean, I think you're special

♪ But you fall within a bell curve

♪ I mean, I'm just saying I
♪ Really think that I would

♪ I think I'd probably
♪ Have somebody else

♪ I think you are unique and beautiful
♪ Unique and beautiful

♪ You make me happy just by being around
♪ Just being around

♪ But objectively, you would have to agree
that, baby, when I found you

♪ Options were relatively thin on the ground
♪ Thin on the ground

♪ You're lovely but there must be
girls as lovely as you

♪ And maybe more open to spanking
or table tennis

♪ I'm just saying I
♪ Really think that I would

♪ I think I'd probably
♪ Have somebody else

♪ I mean I reckon it's pretty likely
that if, for example

♪ My first girlfriend, Jackie,
hadn't dumped me

♪ After I kissed Winston's ex-girlfriend Mia
at Steph's party back in 1993

♪ And our variables would probably have
been altered by the absence of that event

♪ To have meant the advent of
a tangential narrative in which we don't meet

♪ Which is to say there exists
a theoretical hypothetical parallel life

♪ Where what is is not as it is and I am not
your husband and you are not my wife

♪ And I am a stuntman living in LA

♪ Married to a small, blonde Portuguese skier

♪ Who, when she's not training,
Does abstract painting

♪ Practises yoga and brews her own beer

♪ And really likes making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia

♪ But with all my heart and all my mind,
I know one thing is true

♪ I have just one life and just one love
and, my love, that love is you

♪ And if it wasn't for you, darling you

♪ I'm just saying
♪ Really think that I would

♪ I think I'd probably
♪ Have somebody else

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ If I didn't have you

♪ Someone else would surely do

♪ Someone else would surely do ♪

(SCATTING)

Motherfucker, yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Was that all right for you?

There you go.

You look good. You're handsome.

You shouldn't wash your hair
so much though.

It's kinda... You look like Bill Oddie.

When you don't wash it,
you look like Dave Grohl.

And when you do wash it,
you look like Bill Oddie,

so take your choice.

You can either be one of
the founding members of Nirvana and...

this other band...

What's the other band? Foo Fighters.
Or you can be...

Bill Oddie.

Less shampoo.

Is Bill Oddie here? Fucking what?

Sorry. I'm procrastinating.

Look, there's just something I...

I kinda need to address and I should do it.

I know I should do it now.

(STAMMERING)

Over the years, I've realised that

a lot of my audience has come to my shows

particularly because of a...

Sometimes because
I quite often sing about beliefs.

Specifically, in the past I have sung a lot
about faith and religion.

And if I'm completely honest with you,

I've tended to mock some of the...

Not in general, but some that
you might perceive as hypocrisies.

But I just don't want anyone
to be waiting for that

because I'm not doing it any more.

(AUDIENCE MURMURS)

What? Well...

I know. I know.

Look, I should...

You've earned an explanation. You're right.

Something happened to me, you see,
when I was touring my last show in Australia.

It was the beginning of last year
and I was doing a gig.

Not one of my gigs, it was a...
It was actually a new material night,

hosted by Ross Noble.

The long-haired mentally-ill northerner.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He's not, obviously.

He's a genius,

which is a mentally-ill person
with an audience.

He's beautiful. He's...
You know Ross. He's the best.

And he does this amazing gig
and we were having a drink afterwards

and there's a really nice vibe in the bar.

But I noticed this dude who,
slightly uncomfortably, was hovering,

sort of, on the periphery of our group.

And I noticed him particularly,
this tall, really handsome guy.

Those nice dreadlocks that you can get
for about 600 quid at the hairdresser,

and he had a shirt open till about here
and he's very tanned.

But I noticed him particularly
'cause he had a long silver chain,

and hanging on the end of the chain,
a quite prominent silver cross.

You know, the sort of cross you might wear
if you're a fan of intersections.

Or the lower case letter 't'.

Or probably most commonly
if you're a fan of the apparatus

by which first century Romans put to death
and tortured Jewish insurgents.

Anyway, he was, sort of, standing there

and eventually he made the move,
and he came over.

Lovely, polite guy.
He said, "Hi, g'day. I'm Sam."

His name was Sam.

He said, "I'm from Dandenong."
He was from Dandenong,

which is the suburb of Dandenong
set in the Dandenong Ranges

just to the southeast of Melbourne.

And we got to talking
but I could tell he wanted to talk to me

and eventually he managed
to kind of isolate me from the pack.

And he said, "Tim, I've always wanted to talk
to you because I'm a fan of your work

"and I don't want you to think
I'm offended or anything,

"but as you might've noticed, I'm a Christian."

Christian.

And he said, "I just...
I've always wanted to ask you why...

"...why you don't believe in God."

And I said, "Well, Sam, I don't believe in God

"for the same reason that anyone that
doesn't believe anything doesn't believe in it

"'cause haven't yet been offered
enough evidence to allay my doubts."

And he said,

"You don't just go through your whole life

"only believing things
for which you have evidence."

And I said,

"Yeah.

"That's pretty much how I stutter my way
through my turgid existence, yeah."

Then he said, "What about love?"
And I said, "What about love, Sam?"

And he said, "Do you believe in love?"
And I said, "Yeah, I believe in love, I think.

"I love. I am loved, sure."

And he said, "Ah-ha!
You don't have any evidence for love."

And I said,

"I mean, I think.
Yeah. I've got evidence. Sure."

"Love without evidence is stalking."

And he said, "Well, Tim,
if it's evidence you want, how about this?"

And he told me this story.
This incredible story about his mum.

You see, Sam and his mother

were members of a big evangelical church
congregation in the Dandenong.

You know, one of those new,
glassy type ones.

And in her early 60s,

Sam's mum had gone to the doctor
with a problem with her eye.

And he had diagnosed
an irreversible degenerative eye disorder

and he told her that
if she didn't get surgery very quickly,

that she would lose her eyesight.

And Sam's mum was afraid.

She didn't believe in modern medicine,
she didn't trust doctors.

She was afraid of hospitals
and the idea of surgery.

Sam and his mum went to this church,

this incredible church, and that Sunday,

the entire congregation of their church,
some 1700 people prayed

at the same time for Sam's mum.

And the following Tuesday
they went back to the doctor,

and there was no sign

that there had ever been anything
wrong with her eyes.

She was healed. She was cured.

And the reason this story
had an impact on me

is 'cause I tried to be intellectually honest
with others and with myself

and all I've ever asked for is evidence,

and here I was witnessing
a first person account

of what can only
be described as a miracle.

So I went home,

and I wrote this song.

♪ I have an apology to make

♪ I'm afraid I've made a big mistake

♪ I turned my face away from you, Lord

♪ I was too blind to see the light

♪ I was too meek to feel Your might

♪ I closed my eyes
I couldn't see the truth, Lord

♪ But then like Saul on the Damascus road

♪ You sent a messenger to me and so

♪ Now, I've had the truth revealed to me

♪ Please, forgive me all those things I said

♪ I'll no longer betray you, Lord
I will pray to you instead

♪ And I will say,
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, God

♪ "Thank you, thank you, thank you, God

♪ "Thank you, God"

♪ Thank you, God,
for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

♪ I had no idea but it's suddenly so clear now

♪ I feel such a cynic
How could I have been so dumb?

♪ Thank you for displaying
how praying works

♪ A particular prayer in a particular church

♪ Thank you, Sam,
for the chance to acknowledge this

♪ Omnipotent ophthalmologist

♪ Thank you, God,
for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

♪ I didn't realise that it was so simple

♪ But you've shown a great example
of just how it can be done

♪ You only need to pray in a particular spot
to a particular version of a particular God

♪ And if you pull that off without a hitch

♪ He will fix one eye
of one middle class white bitch

♪ I know in the past
my outlook has been limited

♪ I couldn't see examples
of where life had been definitive

♪ But I can admit it
when the evidence is clear

♪ As clear as Sam's mum's new cornea

ORCHESTRA: ♪ And that's extremely clear

♪ Thank you, God,
for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

♪ I have to admit that in the past
I have been sceptical

♪ But Sam described this miracle
and I am overcome

♪ How fitting that the sighting
of a sight-based intervention

♪ Should open my eyes
to this exciting new dimension

♪ It's like someone put an eye chart
up in front of me

♪ And the top five letters say: I-C-G-O-D

♪ Thank you, Sam, for showing how
my point of view has been so flawed

♪ I assumed there was no God at all
but now I see that's cynical

♪ It's simply that his interests
aren't particularly broad

♪ He's largely undiverted
by the starving masses

♪ Or the inequality
between the various classes

♪ He gives out strictly limited passes

♪ Redeemable for surgery
or two-for-one glasses

♪ I feel so shocking
for historically mocking You

♪ Your interests
are clearly confined to the ocular

♪ I bet given the chance,
you'd eschew the divine

♪ And start a little business
selling contacts online

♪ Fuck me, Sam, what are the odds

♪ That of history's endless Parade of Gods

♪ That the God you just
happened to be taught to believe in

♪ Is the actual God and he digs on healing

♪ But not the AIDS-ridden African nations

♪ Nor the victims of the plague
or the flood-addled Asians

♪ But healthy, privately-insured Australians

♪ With common and curable
lens degeneration

♪ This story of Sam's
has but a single explanation

♪ A surgical God
who digs on magic operations

♪ No, it couldn't be mistaken
attribution of causation

♪ Born of a coincidental temporal correlation

♪ Exacerbated by a general lack of education

♪ Vis-à-vis physics
in Sam's parish congregation

♪ It couldn't be
that all these pious people are liars

♪ It couldn't be
an artefact of confirmation bias

♪ A product of group think, a mass delusion

♪ An Emperor's New Clothes-style
fear of exclusion

♪ No, it's more likely to be
an all-powerful magician

♪ Than a misdiagnosis
of the initial condition

♪ Or one of many cases
of spontaneous remission

♪ Or a record-keeping glitch
by the local physician

♪ No, the only explanation
for Sam's mum's seeing

♪ They prayed to an all-knowing super being

♪ To the omnipresent master of the universe

♪ And he liked the sound
of their muttered verse

♪ So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt

♪ Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt

♪ He popped down to Dandenong
and just like that

♪ Used his powers to heal the cataracts

♪ Of Sam's mum

♪ Of Sam's mum

♪ Thank you, God,
for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

♪ I didn't realise
that it was such a simple thing

♪ I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum

♪ Now, I understand how prayer can work

♪ A particular prayer in a particular church
in a particular style with a particular stuff

♪ And for particular problems
that aren't particularly tough

♪ And for particular people, preferably white

♪ And for particular senses, preferably sight

♪ A particular prayer in a particular spot
to a particular version of a particular God

♪ And if you got that right He just might

♪ Take a break from giving babies malaria

♪ And pop down to your local area
to fix the cataracts of your mum ♪

(EXCLAIMS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

TIM: It's a miracle.

I'd just like you to know that I have
buggered up the lyrics to that song

in some of the world's greatest venues.

I've blown it with the Sydney Symphony
at the Sydney Opera House.

I blew it here last night.

And I just want to thank you for being here
to witness me not fucking up that song.

Stop your condescending clapping,
Orchestra.

You shan't get paid. No gruel tonight.

I don't want people to think
that I spend my life

doing my best to strip away anything
that gives other people joy.

That's my job. That's not my life.

And in my life the way I consolidate

my relationships with people
who have beliefs like Sam, I guess,

is that I see Sam and his ilk
as romantics, you know.

Sam is a romantic.

Not only was he romantic about
his and his fellow parishioners' ability

to telepathically communicate
with a 2,000-year-old zombie Jew

and convince him to break all the laws
of physics, chemistry and biology

in order to help him fix
his mother's minor medical problem,

but...

Sorry. That's not right.

2010-year-old zombie Jew.

But he was a romantic about love

and that's a good gateway
to understanding that belief in magic

'cause I think more of us believe
in the magic of love, the fairy tale.

This idea that love happens at first sight.

And I think that's
'cause of the stories we're told.

One of the stories most of us are told
as very young people

is that of a handsome prince
riding through the forest

and coming across an unconscious woman
in a glass box.

And taking advantage of her.

And in that small act of sexual assault,
love blossomed.

Kind of what happened today in a lot of ways.

The prince was in a Roller

and he found a woman
in a see-through negligee,

instead of a glass box.

(LAUGHS)

But in my experience,
love doesn't happen at first sight.

I think love creeps up on you
when you're least expecting it often.

And often when you don't really fancy it.

So this is a song about that
creepy-uppy kind of love.

♪ You grew on me like a tumour

♪ And you spread through me
like malignant melanoma

♪ And now you're in my heart

♪ Should've cut you out back at the start

♪ And now I'm afraid there's no cure for me

♪ No dose of emotional chemotherapy

♪ Can halt my pathetic decline

♪ Should've had you removed

♪ Back when you were benign

♪ I picked you up like a virus

♪ Like meningococcal meningitis

♪ Now, I can't feel my legs

♪ When you're around, I can't get out of bed

♪ And I've left it too late to risk an operation

♪ I know there's no hope
of a clean amputation

♪ The successful removal of you

♪ Would probably kill me too

♪ You grew on me like carcinoma

♪ Crept up on me like untreated glaucoma

♪ Now, I find it hard to see

♪ This untreated dose of you has blinded me

♪ I should've consulted my local physician

♪ I'm stuck now forever
with this tunnel vision

♪ My periphery is screwed

♪ Wherever I look now, all I see is you

♪ When we first met,
you seemed fickle and shallow

♪ But my armour was no match
foryourpoison arrow

♪ You are wedged inside my breast

♪ If I tried to pull you out now,
I think I'll bleed to death

♪ I'm feeling short of breath

♪ You grew on me like a tumour

♪ And you spread through me
like malignant melanoma

♪ I guess I never knew

♪ How fast a little mole can grow

♪ On

♪ You ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

So, a lot of people have been
at street parties all day, drinking

and that's how I'm explaining
the amount of urinators that I'm noticing.

Unless they're fundamentalist Christians
who got a ticket to the wrong Royal event

or something.

So, I want to give you guys a break.

I'm just going to play one more song,
before interval,

just to get it off my chest
because I have this frustration.

If you read the tabloid press...

If you make the mistake of accidentally
reading the tabloid... Maybe the front...

The top's rolled over or something.

If you read the tabloid press or any
of the letters in any opinion pages

or the comments, God forbid, on any website,

it'll be easy to become convinced
that the human race is on a mission

to divide things into two clean columns.

You know,
this sort of pervasive black-and-whiteism.

Everything has to be good or evil

or healthy or deadly or natural or chemical.

Our troops in Iraq are good
and paedophiles are evil,

ignoring the fact that some troops like kiddies
and some paedos have guns.

If you eat these berries or drink this juice
you'll be miraculously healthful

and you will live forever,

but if you take this toxin or have this
vaccine you will get cancer and die.

Or you will get autism
and you won't like hugs.

And you know everything organic
and natural is good,

ignoring the fact
that organic natural substances

include arsenic and poo and crocodiles,

and everything chemical is bad,
ignoring the fact that

everything is chemicals.

(SCREECHING) Everything is chemicals.

The day they discover yoga mats
are carcinogenic,

will be the happiest day of my life.

So, rather than just whinging about it,
I've been inspired by Bono

and the way he used pop
to tackle world poverty and...

With stunning success.

And so I thought I could have
a pop music bash at false dichotomies.

It owes a lot this to the scarily
intelligent Timothy Garton Ash,

and the hilariously strange-looking,
Ben Goldacre,

and it's called The Fence.

♪ Somewhere in your wardrobe,
I'd be willing to bet

♪ There's a t-shirt probably
bearing the silhouette

♪ Of Che Guevara

♪ He was revolutionary, yeah,
he wore a cool hat

♪ But behind the design I think you might
find it's not quite as simple as that

♪ Che was a bit of a homophobe,
Che was a bit of a homophobe

Apparently.

♪ Che was a bit of a homophobe,
Che was a bit of a homophobe

♪ This is a song in defence of the fence

♪ A little sing-along,
an anthem to ambivalence

♪ The more you know,
the harder you will find it

♪ To make up your mind

♪ It doesn't really matter if you find

♪ You can't see which grass is greener

♪ Chances are it's neither,
and either way it's easier

♪ To see the difference
when you're sitting on the fence

♪ Somewhere in your house,
I'd be willing to bet

♪ There's a picture
of that grinning hippy from Tibet

♪ The Dalai Lama

♪ He's a lovely, funny fella,
he gives soundbites galore

♪ But let's not forget that back in Tibet

♪ Those funky monks
used to dick the poor, yeah

♪ And the Buddhist line about future lives is

♪ The perfect way to stop
the powerless rising up

I reckon.

♪ And he tells the poor they will live again,
but he's rich now so it's easy for him to say

♪ I'm taking the stand in defence of the fence

♪ I got a little band playing
anthems to ambivalence

♪ We divide the world
into terrorists and heroes

♪ Into normal folk and weirdos
Into good people and paedos

♪ Into things that give you cancer
and the things that cure cancer

♪ And the things that don't cause cancer

♪ But there's a chance they
will cause cancer in the future

♪ We divide the world
to stop us feeling frightened

♪ Into wrong and into right
and into black and into white

♪ And into real men and fairies
Into status quo and scary

♪ Yeah, we want the world binary, binary

♪ But it's not that simple

♪ And your dogs
have a bigger carbon footprint

♪ Than a four wheel drive

♪ Yeah, your dogs
have a bigger carbon footprint

♪ Than a four wheel drive

♪ Your dogs have a bigger carbon footprint

♪ Than a four wheel drive

♪ And so does your baby,
maybe you ought to trade him in for a Prius

Rock!

♪ Having a rant in defence of the fence

♪ Got a 60 piece band
playing tributes to ambivalence

♪ We divide the world
into liberals and gun-freaks

♪ Into atheists and fundies

♪ Into teetotallers and junkies

♪ Into chemical and natural

♪ Into fictional and factual
Into science and supernatural

♪ But it's actually naturally
not that white and black

♪ You'll be dividing us
into terrorists and heroes

♪ Into normal folk and weirdoes

♪ Into good people and paedos

♪ Into things that give you cancer
and the things that cure cancer

♪ And the things that don't cause cancer

♪ But there's a chance
they will cause cancer in the future

♪ We divide the world
to stop us feeling frightened

♪ Into wrong and into right
and into black and into white

♪ Into real men and fairies

♪ Into parrots and canaries

♪ Yeah, we want the world binary, binary

♪ 0-1-0-0-1-0-0-0

♪ The more you know,
the harder you will find it

♪ To make up your mind,
and it doesn't really matter if you find

♪ You can't see which grass is greener

♪ Chances are it's neither,
and either way it's easier

♪ To see the difference

♪ Because it's not that simple

♪ Go and have a wee
The second act gets considerably weirder ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

We have lots of people left.

Tough crowd.

They're still coming back.

It doesn't matter, it hasn't started,
I just like to come on and watch...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Precarious.

Oh, it's completely broken.
They're are health and safety...

That's my boss, the guy who runs this keep,
just walked past and said, "Careful, Tim."

Fair enough.

He has to fill out the insurance forms,
I suppose that's...

Well, right, okay, I guess it's started.
Have you tuned?

(MIMICKING TUNING)

Oh, it's flat.

(MIMICKING TUNING)

(ORCHESTRA TUNING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Free jazz?

A two-three-four.

(OUT OF SYNC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

So...

Best orchestra in the country, behind me,

in my humble opinion.

The only one I've ever worked with.

That's not true.

As you can probably tell,
from my change of shirt,

the second act is a lot more serious.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

This is a song about prejudice.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And the language of prejudice.

And the power of...

The language of prejudice.

It's called...

(ECHOING) Prejudice!

♪ In our modern free-spoken society

♪ There is a word that we still hold taboo

(ECHOING)

♪ A word with a terrible history

♪ Of being used to abuse,
Oppress and subdue

(ECHOING)

♪ Just six seemingly harmless letters

♪ Arranged in a way that will form a word

♪ With more power than the pieces of metal

♪ That are forged to make swords

(ECHOING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

♪ A couple of Gs, an R and an E

♪ An I and an N

♪ Just six little letters all jumbled together

♪ Have caused damage
That we may never mend

♪ And it's important that we all respect

♪ That if these people
Should happen to choose

♪ To reclaim the word as their own

♪ It doesn't mean the rest of you
Have a right to its use

♪ So never underestimate

♪ The power that language imparts

♪ Sticks and stones may break your bones

♪ But words can break hearts

♪ A couple of Gs,
♪ Jeez, unless you've had to live it

♪ An R and an E,
♪ Even I am careful with it

♪ An I and an N,
♪ And in the end it will only offend

♪ Don't want to have to spell it out again

♪ Yeah

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ So listen to me if you care for your health

♪ You won't call me ginger
'Less you're ginger yourself

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ When you are a ginger, life is pretty hard

♪ Years of ritual bullying in the school yard

♪ Kids calling you "Ranga" and "Fanta pants"

♪ No invitation to the high school dance

♪ But you get up
And learn to hold your head up

♪ You try to keep your cool and not get fed up

♪ But until the feeling of ill is truly let up

♪ Then the word is ours and ours alone

♪ Don't you know that

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Come on commoners, let me hear you sing.

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ So, if you call us ginge
We just might come unhinged

♪ If you don't have a fringe
With at least a tinge of the ginge in it

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ Now, listen to me,
We're not looking for sympathy

♪ Just because we're sensitive to UV

♪ Just 'cause we're pathetically pale

♪ We do all right with the females

♪ Yeah, I like to ask the ladies
'round for ginger beer

♪ And soon they're running their fingers
Through my ginger beard

♪ And dunking my ginger nuts
into their ginger tea

♪ And asking if they can call me "Ginge"

♪ And I say, "I don't think that's appropriate!"

♪ 'Cause only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Sing it, London!

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ And all the ladies, they agree it's a fact

♪ Once you've gone ginge, you can't go back

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Yeah, go you funky motherfucking ginger,

you mofo.

♪ Yeah, you can call us bozo or fire truck

(ECHOING)

♪ You can even call us carrot top or blood nut

(ECHOING)

♪ Yeah, you can call us match stick or tampon

(ECHOING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ But fucking with the G-word is just not on

♪ If you're a ginger-phobe
and you don't like us

♪ We will stand up to the fight
If you want to fight us

♪ But if you cut yourself
You might catch gingivitis

♪ So maybe you should
Shut your funky mouth

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Sing it, people!

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ So, if you call us "Ginge"
You can't whinge if your injured

♪ If you don't have a tinge
Of the ginge in your minge

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

♪ And you know my kids
Will always be clothed and fed

♪ 'Cause Papa's gonna be bringing home
the gingerbread

♪ And they'll be pretty smart
Because they'll be well-read

♪ And by "read" I mean "read"
And the other kind of "red", woo!

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Sing!

♪ Only a ginger
Can call another ginger, ginger

Yeah!

♪ Just like only a ninja
Can sneak up on another ninja

♪ Only a ginger,
Only a ginger, only a ginger, yeah

♪ Are you all listening-a,
I'm not pointing the finger

♪ I just having a sing-a

♪ I'm just remindin' ya

♪ That only a ginger can call another ginger

♪ Ginger ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Gift in my shot.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If you look...

into any of the research

or the advice you might find online

or in the literature
about bringing up adopted children...

Um, this isn't something
I've ever talked about on stage before.

Or, for that matter, in the media or anything,

but you'll immediately come across
a lot of scary stuff, you know,

stuff about how
parenting adopted children is difficult

and how hard it is but I've got a four-year-old,
and she's just...

She's just lovely.
I'm probably a little bit biased.

But, she's a beautiful, nice kid,
but also she's, um...

Really great to parent, you know.
She's very responsive to parenting.

And I'll never know, I guess, what's her genes
and what is our style of parenting,

but I do think one thing we did
might have made a big difference,

because when she was about three,
just after her third birthday, about a year ago,

after loads and loads of discussion,

Sarah and I decided that

she was old enough
to be told that she's adopted.

And we didn't...

And I think the main point was
we didn't rush it, we didn't sugar-coat it.

We told her the, sort of, the whole story,

and told her how, you know,
mum and dad really wanted a baby,

and how we'd heard about this orphanage
in Moldova, which I'd never heard of.

It's the poorest country in Europe.

And how we'd heard of this place
in the Ialoveni district in eastern Moldova,

which is designated by the UN
as 60% slums or something.

We told her how we went to this amazing,

poverty stricken area of the Ialoveni district

and to this orphanage, where despite...

We told her how the carers,

despite their best efforts,
were totally under-funded,

and how the babies were sleeping
three across a bed,

and didn't have enough medicine

and food for that matter.

And how we found her
and fell in love with her.

And decided we wanted to bring her back
to our beautiful house,

our relatively beautiful house in London.

And in the way that, I guess,
only a three-year-old could,

she just sort of incorporated it
into her understanding of

you know, her relationship with us.

But, now,

if she's ever naughty...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

We just say, if you do that again...

Slums!

Seriously, young lady, you put that down...

Three, two, don't let me get to one. Slums!

Slums.

And she is incredibly well-behaved.

She's just so disciplined.

It's a tip.

A woman in Australia said to me...

Bailed me up and said, "That bit you said
about how you tell your daughter

"that if she doesn't behave,
you'll send her back to the orphanage,

"that's not true, is it?"

And I said, "Yeah, kids need boundaries,
whatever, you know."

And she said, "Well, I just have to tell you
that I think that is cruel."

I'm like, "You reckon that's cruel?

(LAUGHS)

"She's not even adopted."

(PLAYING PIANO)

♪ Sleep, little baby, sleep now, my love

♪ The Milky Way's shining high up above

♪ When you grow up,
You will learn all that stuff

♪ But for now, close your eyes

♪ Close your eyes

♪ Sleep, little baby, try not to squawk

♪ Tomorrow and tomorrow
You'll learn how to walk

♪ To love and laugh, to totter and talk

♪ But for now, beddy-byes

♪ Your blanket's hand-knitted
With pure angora wool

♪ Your nappy is dry and your tummy is full

♪ Of enough antihistamine to chill out a bull

♪ Yet still all this gringing

♪ What more could you want for?
I just cannot guess

♪ You constantly complain to me,
You should feel blessed

♪ There are children in Africa
Starving to death

♪ And you don't hear them whinging

♪ What more can I do to put a stop to

♪ This mind-numbing noise you are making?

♪ Where is the line
Between patting and hitting?

♪ When is rocking "rocking"
And when is it "shaking"?

♪ I don't know what else I can do
To try and hush you

♪ My heart says, "I love you"
But my brain's saying "Fuck you"

♪ And hoping a child trafficker will abduct you

♪ At least then I'll get a few hours in bed

♪ I've shushed and I've cooed
And I've even tried to sing

♪ "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da"
In the exact voice of Ringo

♪ Now, all I have left is to hope that a dingo

♪ Will sneak in
and rip off your fat, bitching head

♪ Hush little baby, don't say a word

♪ Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird

♪ In the hope you get avian flu

♪ The nice folk in A&E will take care of you

♪ That's it

♪ Close your eyes, shh, not a sound

♪ I can barely see your tiny belly
Moving up and down

♪ One thing they don't mention
In the parenting book

♪ Your love for them grows

♪ The closer to dead they look ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

TIM: Thank you.

(HOOTS)

So, if you were keeping your eye

on the world's media last year,
probably even if you weren't,

you probably heard about this...

About halfway through last year,

about this idiot,

this fucking idiot,

that American fucking idiot

who decided that on the build-up
to the anniversary of 9/11,

that it would be a good idea to collect
and burn as many copies of the Qu'ran

as he could possibly get his hands on.

And then, you probably noticed,
there was this other bunch of fucking idiots,

who thought it would be a brilliant idea
to take this idiot's fucking story

and spread it across the world's media
and newspapers, on the internet.

And then there was this third bunch
of fucking idiots,

who decided that it would be really smart
to respond to this fucking idiot's idiotic plan,

by threatening him with violent retribution
if he went ahead with his idiocy.

And the problem with this scenario,

apart from the obvious surplus
of fucking idiots,

is that...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Is the central notion

that an object can be sacred.

So, it makes you think.

What makes an object sacred?

This is my copy of the Holy Qu'ran,

there on my piano.

What makes this object sacred?

What makes 4,000 people nervous...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...about this scenario.

How is it different from this?

My copy of
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I... And...

And with respect,

I can honestly say that, I think it is different

in respect

of this sacredness, but why is it different?

'Cause, you think, wouldn't you, instinctively,

that it's the text,
the words contained within this,

the incineration of which we fear or abhor.

It's the words, but since the invention
of the printing press and latterly the internet,

these words have been reproduced
hundreds of millions of times.

These words happily,
these ancient words are indestructible.

So, it can't be that.
So, is it the... Is it the...

Sort of aesthetic? Can you judge
the sacredness of a book by its cover?

Is it the fancy writing?
The leather binding? The gold?

I mean this has gold on it, too.

And then I thought, maybe, actually,

it might be just
the very presence of this word,

this incredibly powerful word "Qur'an",

spelt here with the Q and the apostrophe-A-N.

Is it just that word
that gives it it's sacredness?

And then I thought, what about
some Muslim equivalent of Sam's mum,

trying to desperately get rid
of a urinary tract infection.

Prayed so hard, that she wore this word away,
would it lose some of its sacredness?

For that matter, what if I took my yellow
sticky note with the word Qur'an on it,

and stuck it on the front

of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

Perhaps you're now justifiably nervous
about how I'm gonna treat this book.

What about if I took this cover off this copy
of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,

and put it on this copy of

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

Are we now worried
about what I'm gonna do with this?

What if, God forbid,
we got rid of J. K. Rowling all together,

and we're left with just this?

This piece of cardboard that I paid
my student bookbinding friend

not enough money to render to look
like the cover of the Holy Qur'an?

Are we worried
about how I'm gonna treat this?

For that matter,
whether it's the Qur'an or Harry Potter,

whether it's sacred to someone or not,

what sort of fucking idiot burns a book?

Burning a book is just childish.
Burning a book is like burning...a bra.

After the adrenaline
of the symbolic moment wears off,

all you're left with is a pile of ashes
and unsupported boobs.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I've never, ever watched a bra fall to the floor,

and wished for a match.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Of course, I'm being...

Oh, for fuck's sake, you cunts, what the...

(LAUGHS)

What are you throwing at me?
I don't know.

You realise... A lighter.
Oh, a lighter, fair enough.

I hope you realise

that it is actually quite nerve-racking
talking about the Qur'an on stage.

And that shit flying at me, is...

(LAUGHING) You know, I'm trying to have a...

I would never burn a copy of
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

If you actually do take any time
to think about this notion of sacredness,

you very quickly stumble upon the truth,

that sacredness isn't held
inside objects or people or institutions

that are held sacred, but rather in the minds,

the collective minds of those who have come
to believe or been taught to believe,

that they're sacred.

And that's actually fine.

You know, that's your human right.
To hold sacred what you will.

If you wanna imbue earthly objects
with supernatural agency, that's your right.

And for that matter,
I would do a shitty placard

and march beside you in the streets,

to defend your right
to hold sacred what you will.

But I personally don't you think that that
means that you get to tell other people

what they should hold sacred.

I don't think you get to tell me
what historical figures

I can or cannot satirize.

Hallelujah!

(LAUGHS)

...can or cannot satirize in cartoon form.

And I don't think you get to tell me
who I may or may not criticise

and what language I'm allowed to use
when criticising them

because if there's one thing
that history has taught us

it's that if too many people

hold a thing or a person
or an institution sacred,

then they are by definition beyond criticism.

And unfortunately it seems that
when humans get beyond criticism,

they seem to slip inexorably
towards corruption.

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
He's a fucking mother...

♪ Fucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker
He's a total mother...

♪ Fucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck him, fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucking Pope

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
He's a fucking motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
He's a total motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck him, fuck the motherfucker

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
Fuck the motherfucking Pope

♪ Fuck the motherfucker,
And fuck you, motherfucker

♪ If you think that motherfucker is sacred

♪ If you cover for another motherfucker
who's a kiddy-fucker

♪ Fuck you, you're no better than
the motherfucking rapist

♪ And if you don't like the swearing
this motherfucker forced from me

♪ And reckon it shows
moral or intellectual paucity

♪ Then fuck you, motherfucker,
This is language one employs

♪ When one is a little bit cross
at motherfuckers fucking boys

♪ And I don't give a fuck
if calling the Pope a motherfucker

♪ Means you unthinkingly brand me
an unthinking apostate

♪ This has nought to do
with other fucking godly motherfuckers

♪ I'm not interested right now
in theological debate

♪ There are other fucking songs
and there are other fucking ways

♪ I'll be a religious apologist
on other fucking days

♪ But the fact remains
if you protect a single kiddy-fucker

♪ Then pope or prince or plumber,
You're a fucking motherfucker

♪ Yeah

♪ And I don't give a fuck
what any other motherfucker

♪ Believes about Jesus
and his motherfucking mother

♪ I've no problem with the spiritual beliefs
of other fuckers

♪ While those beliefs don't impact
on the happiness of others

♪ But if you build a church on claims
of moral authority

♪ And with threats of hell impose it
on others in society

♪ Then you, you motherfucker,
Can expect some fucking wrath

♪ When it turns out you've been fucking us
in our motherfucking asses

♪ Our motherfucking asses

♪ So, fuck the motherfucker,
And fuck you, motherfucker

♪ If you're still a motherfucking papist

♪ If he covered for a single motherfucker
who's a kiddy-fucker

♪ Fuck him, he's as evil as
the motherfucking rapist

♪ And if you look into your
motherfucking heart and tell me true

♪ If this motherfucking, stupid
fucking song offended you

♪ With its filthy fucking language
and it's fucking disrespect

♪ If it made you feel angry,
Go ahead and write a letter

♪ But if you find this song
more offensive than the possibility

♪ The Pope protected priests
when they were getting fucking fiddly

♪ Then listen to me, motherfucker,
this here is a fact

♪ You are just as morally misguided
as that motherfucking

♪ Power-hungry, self-aggrandized bigot
in the stupid fucking hat ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

♪ If the Pope owned a disco

♪ No one would come
because they won't allow gays there

♪ But who'd start the dancing?
Who'd start the dancing?

♪ Who'd start the dancing?
Who'd start the dancing?

♪ If the Pope owned a disco

♪ If the Pope owned a disco

♪ If the Pope owned a disco

♪ Who'd start the dancing?
Who'd start the dancing?

♪ Who'd start the dancing?
Who'd start the dancing?

♪ Who'd start the dancing?
Who'd start the dancing?

♪ If the Pope owned a disco,
no one would go, no ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I was whoring myself in the press recently.

Hopefully you noticed
'cause that's the point of such whoring,

and I was doing
one of those terrible interviews.

I mean, they're lovely
and they're fun and everything,

but you know those things, 30 seconds
with a series of innocuous questions

with vapid answers and, um...

Some people are good at being funny
and I'm hopeless at that.

Um... And...

Arguably.

This woman said...
One of her questions.

We were on the phone, she said,
"Name your three guilty pleasures."

And I was just like... Fuck. I don't know.

I don't sit around writing lists
of three of stuff.

I don't know... I haven't considered...

I said to her, "Could you give me a clue?
What other...

"What do other people say
when you ask em' this one?"

She said "Oh, people...
You know, guilty pleasures.

"People used to just say things like,

"you know, watching Master Chef or...
Um, Bananarama or Jaffa Cakes."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Those are your guilty pleasures?

That shows an incredibly low threshold

for both guilt and pleasure.

I'm so glad I asked her.
I could've embarrassed myself.

I was thinking more along the lines of,
you know...

Watching German porn
dressed as Igglepiggle or...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Or doing cocaine
while you're babysitting or...

Or using a length of pipe
to force-feed yourself foie gras.

Or you know, cancelling
your monthly payment to your sponsor child

so you can afford to buy a second iPad.

Upon reflection,

I thought I've only actually got
two guilty pleasures and...

The primary one, the number one guilty
pleasure for me is booze, alcohol.

And it's not a guilty pleasure
'cause I was putting toxins in my body

or 'cause I act like a bit of a dick
when I'm drunk.

I just feel guilty 'cause I know that £7.50 odd
I spend most days on Cabernet Sauvignon

could probably have been better spent buying
some fucking Somalian village a pump.

But that's why I savour it.

Nothing tastes as good

as that sip of wine you know could've
inoculated an infant against tuberculosis.

That's a fucking guilty pleasure.

My other one is this.

One... Two... Three... Four...

♪ Cheese

♪ Cheese

♪ Cheese

♪ C

♪ H

♪ E

♪ E

♪ S

♪ E

(CLEARING THROAT)

♪ Cheese

♪ I love cheese

♪ But it's plain to see

♪ That cheese

♪ Doesn't love me

♪ I am such a fool in love

♪ I just cannot get enough

♪ But it's an unrequited love

♪ I can feel it in my guts

♪ I spend my nights,
Tossing and turning

♪ My stomach is churning

♪ My heart is a-burning

♪ My nightmares are turning upon me
and shame me

♪ To drive me insane, oh, the pain,
A blue vein on my brain

♪ And I wake up,
With sweat on my brow

♪ I know I got to give it up
and I got to do it now

♪ But instead in the morning
when my wife is gone

♪ I find myself back on cheeseworld.com

♪ And I know that it's wrong
but I'm soon navigating

♪ To the real mature stuff,
the funky old ladies

♪ Feeding my fetish for fettered old fetta

♪ Photos of friesian on beds of bruschetta

♪ And the worse they smell,
the more they sweat

♪ The faster the speed,
my mouth gets wet, oh, God

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

♪ Except perhaps last night's
half-wheel of double cream brie

♪ Trying to replace my fondues
with fon-don'ts

♪ Trying to develop strength of will
But I know that I won't

♪ I have found love is never fair

♪ We should be such a marvellous pair

♪ But each time I bring her home
she goes and renders me comatose

♪ And leaves me self-loathing
slumped on my chair

♪ I cannot camembert it any more

♪ E-dam you, mon amour

♪ Every time I lead you through the door

♪ I end up curled up on the floor

♪ Oh, God, my poor heart is too sore,
So no more

♪ But before I give you up

♪ I just need one more tiny taste

♪ To leave you like this,
Would be a criminal waste

♪ Just one more tiny taste, darling, please

♪ Just one more little sliver of C-H-E-E-S-E

♪ Cheese

♪ Funky, funky, funky, funky cheese

♪ Cheese

♪ Oh, cheese

AUDIENCE: ♪ Cheese ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Sometimes I think you just need
to tackle a subject head on.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay.

This is a song about...

My experience of

doing this.

It's only relatable to people who either are me,

or are very, very similar to me.

So it's kind of self indulgent.

Which is really saying something,

having just played

a seven and half minute song about cheese.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

So it's been a long day, huh?

Wonder what Will's doing.

Not having as much fun as we are.

Unless Kate's sister is still there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ Beauty

♪ Is a harlot

♪ She will dance with

♪ Any bastard

♪ She's undiscerning

♪ In her choice of partners

♪ I could do her, of course, if I wished

♪ But I object to her promiscuousness

♪ Beauty

♪ Just doesn't do it for me

♪ Beauty

♪ Is a harlot

♪ An easy lay

♪ For lazy artists

♪ I won't be fooled by her vulgar charm

♪ It is the easiest trick in the book

♪ Music's the worm and beauty's the hook

♪ And I'm sure you would swallow her whole

♪ But I'm not here to satisfy souls

♪ For

♪ Beauty

♪ Is a siren

♪ Trying to draw me

♪ From my chosen mission

♪ I won't be tempted

♪ By her seductive singing

♪ On principle, I refuse

♪ To be party to her abuse

♪ It is not my job to squat in the gutter

♪ Sharing the teat with you
beauty-drunk suckers

♪ You paid to see satire and rage

♪ I swear I won't let beauty set foot

♪ On this stage

♪ For

♪ Beauty

♪ Is a harlot

♪ A spotlight-hungry

♪ Manipulative starlet

♪ She will toy with

♪ Your defenceless heart and leave you

♪ Tear-streaked when the lights come on

♪ You look around to find her gone

♪ And despite your size,
You've not a clue

♪ That as you fell for her,
She stole from you

♪ For beauty

♪ Is a harlot

♪ She will lie with any

♪ Two-bit artist

♪ And for all those other

♪ Lucky bastards

♪ She seems to come

♪ So easily

♪ But she comes so hard

♪ To me ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

For the past...

(LAUGHS) What?

Just expressing myself.

For the past seven years
since I've been doing this kind of thing,

I've been finishing my shows
on the same song.

Seems ridiculous but very early on
in my career I wrote this song.

It was just for... It's a great show ender.

So I always used it
and then for the last four or five years,

I've been trying to write a better show ender.

And finally
towards the beginning of this year,

I gave up.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Because I worry that...

Because a lot of my songs

are stupid that...

People are gonna not realise how kind of...

Deep I am.

Like, kind of brooding and stuff,
like, you know, behind the mask.

I'm quite like, you know, like Dave Grohl

or Kurt Cobain, you know.

Except more sort of

alive and...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So to kind of generate
this sense of profundity,

I wrote this song in C-sharp minor.

Seems to help...

-(FAN WHOOPING)
- Oh, good, a couple of fans of C-sharp minor.

Probably from the south. Just...

Just how it works out.

And to add to this kind of tone, this feel,

I usually get Dom, my amazing
lighting designer to change the light,

so you get that real sense of redness.

Yeah.

This is a song called Dark Side.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And I'll see you at the other end.

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ I can develop my brooding potential

♪ If pain's what you want in an act

♪ Pain I can do

♪ I can have a dark side too

♪ I can have a dark side too

(CHEERFUL PIANO MUSIC)

♪ Yippee!

♪ I called my girlfriend up on the phone

♪ I said, "Hey, g-girlfriend,
what's g-going wrong?"

♪ She said, "I'm breaking it off with you

♪ "I feel as if the m-m-magic has gone."

♪ I said, "Hey, baby, what you talking about?

♪ "I thought that everything was just fine."

♪ She said, "That's exactly the point

♪ "I just get so annoyed
how you're so happy all the time

♪ "I need somebody deeper than you

♪ "Someone with a little third-dimension."

♪ I said, well, I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to, girl

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ I can develop my brooding potential

♪ If pain's what you want in a man

♪ Pain I can give you

♪ I can have a dark side too

♪ I can have a dark side

(SOFTER) ♪ I can have a dark side

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ Ooh... Yeah

♪ Rock 'n' roll

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yippee!

Hey!

Rock!

Bradley Webb, play the drums!

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Hey!

Yo!

Hey!

(MOUTHING)

Free jazz.

(OUT OF SYNC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Bassoon solo.

Free jazz!

Bassoon solo.

(LAUGHING)

Free jazz.

Hey!

Who's driving this thing?

Whoa!

♪ I wrote a letter to Mr Sony

♪ I said, "Hey, S-Sony, what's g-going down?

♪ "I've got a record and I reckon it's wicked

♪ "And I th-think you should
s-spread it around"

♪ He said, "Hey, Tim, I quite like your work"

♪ He said, "It's clever and quirky

♪ "But I promise you this

♪ "You could be clever as Voltaire

♪ "But it won't get you nowhere

♪ "If you wanna sell discs

♪ "Clever never made no one rich

♪ "It doesn't appeal to the teenage market

♪ "The teenage market!"

♪ Well, I can have a dark side

♪ If you want
If you want

♪ If you want me to

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ I can reveal my tortured internals

♪ If pain's what you want in an act

♪ Pain I can do

♪ I can have a dark side too

♪ I can have a dark side too

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Daddy never came to my ball games

♪ Where were you, Daddy?

♪ Daddy never came to my ball games

♪ Ball games
Ball games

♪ He never loved me

♪ Daddy never came to my ball games

♪ Daddy never came to my ball games

♪ Daddy never came to my ball games

♪ Daddy never came ♪

(MOANING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(FAN SHOUTING)

♪ Jeremy spoke in ♪

♪ I, I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to

♪ If you want me

♪ Yeah, I

♪ I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to, motherfucker

♪ Fucking I can have a dark side too

♪ Now, you know that I, I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to

♪ Don't you know that
I can have a dark side too

♪ Yeah I, I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to

♪ Ooh, I can have a dark side too

♪ Yeah I... I can have a dark side

♪ If you want me to

Rock!

♪ Oh! ♪

(MOUTHING)

Please thank the wonderful Jules Buckley

and the Heritage Orchestra.

The handsome Pete Clements on bass,

and the skinny Brad Webb on drums.

Thanks so much for playing with me.
Thanks so much for coming.

Thank you very much.

This is a...

This is a song about that feeling
I think we all get...

We all get sometimes,

especially this time of year.

You know that feeling where you feel like
you're the smallest doll in a Babushka doll?

(WOMAN SHOUTING QUESTION)

(LAUGHING)

Thanks.

Who let that Australian in here?

♪ This is my Earth

♪ And I live in it

♪ It's one-third dirt and two-thirds water

♪ And it rotates and revolves through space

♪ At rather an impressive pace

♪ Never even messes up my hair

♪ And here's the really weird thing

♪ The force created by its spin

♪ Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

♪ This is my Earth

♪ And it's fine

♪ It's where I spend
the vast majority of my time

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ It's not perfect

♪ This is my house

♪ And I live in it

♪ It's made of cracks and photographs

♪ We bought it from a guy
who bought it from a guy

♪ Who bought it from a guy

♪ Whose grandad left it to him

♪ And the weirdest thing is that this house

♪ Has locks to keep the baddies out

♪ But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in

♪ This is my house

♪ And it's fine

♪ It's where I spend
the vast majority of my time

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ This is my body

♪ And I live in it

♪ It's 35 and six months old

♪ It's changed a lot since it was new

♪ It's done stuff it wasn't built to do

♪ I often try to fill it up with wine

♪ And the weirdest thing about it is

♪ I spend so much time hating it

♪ But it never says a bad word about me

♪ This is my body

♪ And it's fine

♪ It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ It's not perfect

♪ This is my brain

♪ And I live in it

♪ It's made of love

♪ And bad song lyrics

♪ It's tucked away behind my eyes

♪ Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide

♪ 'Cause God forbid I hurt somebody

♪ And the weirdest thing about a mind

♪ Is that every answer that you find

♪ Is the basis of a brand new cliché

♪ This is my brain

♪ And it's fine

♪ It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine

♪ It's not perfect

♪ I'm not quite sure
I've worked out how to work it

♪ It's not perfect

♪ But it's mine ♪

The Heritage Orchestra,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks Pete, thanks, Brad.
Thank you everyone for helping out.

Thank you for coming. This has been
an incredible experience. Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

You guys really got...

You really got your mojo back
in the second act.

Okay, look. I'll just do...
I'll do this song and then we'll just go

and there won't be... No more fuss.

This is a song that...

I get in trouble if I don't play it.

So, I'll do it,
'cause I don't like to get in trouble.

It's a little out of season,
and a little out of place but...

♪ I really like Christmas

♪ It's sentimental, I know

♪ But I just really like it

♪ I am hardly religious

♪ I'd rather break bread
with Dawkins than Desmond Tutu

♪ To be honest

♪ And, yes, I have all of the usual objections

♪ To consumerism

♪ To the commercialisation
of an ancient religion

♪ To the westernisation of a dead Palestinian

♪ Press-ganged into selling
PlayStations and beer

♪ But I still really like it

♪ I'm looking forward to Christmas

♪ Though I'm not expecting

♪ A visit from Jesus

♪ I'll be seeing my dad

♪ My brother and sisters,
my gran and my mum

♪ They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

♪ I don't go in for ancient wisdom

♪ I don't believe
just 'cause ideas are tenacious

♪ It means that they're worthy

♪ I get freaked out by churches

♪ Some of the hymns that they sing
have nice chords

♪ But the lyrics are dodgy

♪ And, yes, I have all of the usual objections

♪ To the miseducation of children who,
in tax-exempt institutions

♪ Are taught to externalise blame

♪ And to feel ashamed
and to judge things as plain right or wrong

♪ But I quite like the songs

♪ I'm not expecting big presents

♪ The old combination of socks,
jocks and chocolates is just fine by me

♪ 'Cause I'll be seeing my dad

♪ My brother and sisters,
my gran and my mum

♪ They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

♪ I'll be seeing my dad

♪ My brother and sisters,
my gran and my mum

♪ They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

♪ And you, my baby girl

♪ My jet lagged infant daughter

♪ You'll be handed round the room

♪ Like a puppy at a primary school

♪ And you won't understand

♪ But you will learn someday

♪ That wherever you are
and whatever you face

♪ These are the people
who'll make you feel safe in this world

♪ My sweet, blue-eyed girl

♪ And if, my baby girl

♪ When you're 21 or 31

♪ And Christmas comes around

♪ And you find yourself
9,000 miles from home

♪ You'll know whatever comes

♪ Your brothers and sisters
and me and your mum

♪ Will be waiting for you in the sun

♪ When Christmas comes

♪ Your brothers and sisters,
Your aunts and your uncles

♪ Your grandparents, cousins
and me and your mum

♪ We'll be waiting for you in the sun

♪ Drinking white wine in the sun

♪ Darling, whenever you come

♪ We'll be waiting for you in the sun

♪ Drinking white wine in the sun

♪ Waiting for you in the sun

♪ Waiting

♪ I really like Christmas

♪ It's sentimental, I know ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks so much.
Thank you. Good night.

(MOUTHING)

♪ Funky, funky cheese

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Cheese

♪ Oh, cheese ♪