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[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] [CLOCK TICKING]

[HORSE NEIGHING] [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

["CONCERTO FOR STRINGS" BY VIVALDI PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[WATER TRICKLING]

[BELL DINGING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: [MUFFLED] Help!

[BELCHES, GROANS]

The Bennetts are nearly here, sir.

SIR CHAUNCEY: [GROANS] I've been poisoned!

REGINALD: You've been on a three-day drunk, sir.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS] REGINALD: I did warn you.

SIR CHAUNCEY: You did nothing of the sort.

My innards are festering with rot. [GROANS]

Call the doctor! [GROANS] [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

REGINALD: I have a bowl of peasant soup, raw eel,

a half loaf of pumpernickel,

and a glass of owl yolk with vinegar,

and a splash of whisky. [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS]

["DON GIOVANNI OVERTURE" BY MOZART PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Sir George Chauncey Savage

was an insolent Welsh upstart. [GRUNTS, SLURPS] Oh, yes.

NARRATOR: A low-bred ruffian and opportunist...

Oh, yeah. [BELCHES, GROANS]

NARRATOR: ...who, through unsavory efforts,

shameless swindles, and social climbing

managed to coax and court a well-born wife,

Lady Savage of the Yorkshire Savages,

only to squander what little was left of her family estate

on garish clothing,

boozing, whores, and of course, his poison of choice, gambling.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Those.

NARRATOR: He agreed to take the "Savage" name

in order to marry up, and purchased his title of "Sir"

with the ill-advised sale of several paintings

and parcels of land.

[PIGS GRUNTING, SNORTING] NARRATOR: But despite appearances,

he was nothing more than the son of a penniless peddler.

An outsider among the ruling class,

Chauncey never felt as if he was good enough for her,

or them, and most would agree.

[SIR CHAUNCEY SPITS]

I simply loathe the Bennetts. Snobbish, paralytic bores.

Do you see the way he looks at me,

with that probing sneer? And his boorish wife.

She has all the charm of a septic cyst.

I heard a particularly vile story

from a footman the other day,

involving Mr Bennett and a syphilitic whore.

Oh, pray tell. [CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[PIG SNORTS]

[GUNSHOTS] [HORSES NEIGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Born in the slums of St Giles,

Chauncey's valet was a lowbred ruffian

and opportunist in his own right.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Stay where you are!

[PASSENGERS BREATHE HEAVILY] SIR CHAUNCEY: If you'll empty your pockets

and kindly deliver your valuables.

There's a newly implemented tax on nobles in the area.

Thank you kindly.

[PROSTITUTES LAUGH] The... Queen of Hearts!

NARRATOR: To maintain his life of leisure

and quell his mounting debts...

[SMOOCHES, MOANS]

...Chauncey was quick to include his loyal footman

on trips to brothels,

gambling halls... [CLEARS THROAT]

...and wherever he thought it beneficial.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Hurry. PROSTITUTE: Stop him! Thief!

JILTED HUSBAND: Come back here!

SIR CHAUNCEY: Don't shoot! She's lying!

JILTED HUSBAND: Thieving brigands!

NARRATOR: A rake on the make. JILTED HUSBAND: Come back here!

[GUNSHOT] Come on, sir.

[JILTED HUSBAND YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

[PANTS] Slow down, I'm wearing heels!

[GROUP LAUGHING] [DICE RATTLING, CLATTERING]

NARRATOR: Chauncey had various tricks and deceptions

on how best to achieve his desired outcome.

[DICE RATTLING] [REGINALD COUGHS, SNIFFLES]

NARRATOR: He would masterfully palm and replace his dice

with an altered pair... [CLEARS THROAT]

that he had meticulously melted...

Double, bubble, toil and trouble.

Passions burn, the bets are double. [BLOWS AIR]

...so that they almost always landed on sixes.

I do not know how, Savage,

but you have cheated me, ungentlemanly and odiously,

and on such grounds, I demand satisfaction!

How dare you.

[JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Reginald was often tasked...

SIR CHAUNCEY: Erm. Ready! ...with settling Chauncey's various financial squabbles

and disagreements by duel of sword or pistol.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Fire! [GUNSHOTS]

NARRATOR: As well as assist in evading

the increasingly frequent visits of his vexed collectors.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Where is he?

I'm afraid Sir Chauncey is away on business in Hamburg.

Last month it was Paris,

the month before that, the West Indies.

Don't meddle with me, boy!

I've heard rumor my parcel has been sold twice,

possibly thrice.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Chauncey had been slowly siphoning off

parcels of their peerage.

A rather reckless and intricate scheme

of over-leveraging and double-dealing.

If the matter isn't sorted appropriately and with haste,

I shall be forced to call upon the authorities.

I'll pass along the message.

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

SIR CHAUNCEY: How is Her Ladyship this morning?

Seems she'll only speak to me at social gatherings

or at meals.

Well, I'm sure it's just a rough patch, sir.

She hasn't touched me in months.

You're an acquired taste, sir.

Er. What shall I do about our Mr Black?

He did seem a little... perturbed earlier.

Ah, yes, parcel 11. [CHUCKLES]

A glorious swath of birch and pine. [INHALES DEEPLY]

[SIGHS] Not to worry. I've got it under control.

I'm not about to let some greedy banker seize our home

and sully our name. Is that blood?

REGINALD: Er. Pheasant, sir. Oh, delicious. My favorite.

I know, sir.

SIR CHAUNCEY: I don't know what I'd do without you.

Your loyalty and valor, your skill of shot.

Well, you are many things, sir,

but a good shot is not one of them.

Oh, it's not my fault.

Spectacles make me look bookish and fat.

Hmm. SIR CHAUNCEY: I don't tell you enough, but...

I care for you like a son, or...

[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]

...an affectionate dog. [INHALES DEEPLY]

[GLORIFYING MUSIC PLAYING]

[RAT SQUEAKS]

NARRATOR: Lady Savage had come

from a disgraced family of nobility.

Though she still carried a distinguished title

and the bluest of blood,

the Savages of Yorkshire had fallen on hard times...

[LADY SAVAGE GASPS]

...and were merely a name at this point.

This financial standing was not helped

by her marriage to Chauncey,

but the heart is a mercurial muscle. [GASPS, CHUCKLES]

NARRATOR: She fell under his spell quite quickly,

and against all opposition and criticism... [GASPS, GIGGLES]

...married him in a fortnight.

She had never met anyone quite like Chauncey.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROWLS] [CHUCKLES]

NARRATOR: But of course, good times have a price.

[SIR CHAUNCEY SLURPS] LADY SAVAGE: [CHUCKLING] Oh, Chauncey.

NARRATOR: Their reckless spending

and misadventures

had left them on the precipice of peril.

As gossips would say, "They deserved each other."

I've never met a more lifeless pair than the Bennetts.

Tiresome teacups, they are.

Porcelain, painted, and empty from ear to ear.

Then why must you always invite them over?

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

If one doesn't have dinner guests,

albeit dim and dull,

then one could wonder if they ever ate at all.

DOROTHY: But we are here, ma'am.

Oh, I know it's true, but you're a servant,

you're always here.

And a paid guest, however dear, doesn't count.

Indeed.

The only persons who are eager to visit us these days

are my husband's lenders and dubious debt collectors.

That man has never met a ruffled coat

or a well-bosomed cunny he hasn't lusted.

Maybe the gossips are right and we deserve each other.

DOROTHY: You speak too harshly of yourself, ma'am.

You're the only one who understands me, Dorothy.

Are you sure that this isn't too much?

Not at all, ma'am. I think it shows great restraint.

LADY SAVAGE: Oh, shit! Not again. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, get that ribbon from over there.

[JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

DOROTHY: There you go. LADY SAVAGE: That'll do.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

[RAT SQUEAKS]

FANNY: "For the first time in 500 years,

a total solar eclipse is approaching London

in less than a fortnight."

"Such an eclipse occurs

when a new moon drifts between the sun and Earth

like a lid, smothering the sun black

and casting its shadow over the Earth's surface."

"Halley's eclipse is the first of its kind,

predicted on Newtonian theory, and thus,

a detailed map of its path is illustrated below."

[COACHMAN 1 YELLING INDISTINCTLY] [HORSES NEIGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

How is my little troublemaker and her mischief of mice?

Papa, promise you'll come play after the Bennetts.

Only if Wolly promises not to bite this time.

Oh, can't promise that. [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

No footmen, of course. MRS BENNETT: No, of course not.

I just hope the pheasant... [EXHALES HEAVILY]

...isn't as vomit as it was last time.

Oh, my goodness. I was on the pot for days.

I know. Squitting.

Mr and Mrs Bennett, how lovely to see you.

Right this way.

[CROWS CAWING] [BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHOMPS, MUNCHES]

[RETCHES, COUGHS] [RETCHES, COUGHS]

MR BENNETT: Were you invited to the ball

at Cumberland Castle?

It sounds splendid. We were not.

Or that interminable dinner for the new Earl of Gloucester? [GROANS, SCOFFS]

Sadly not, no.

Oh... I'm sure it was a servant's error.

Error, yes.

Mm.

Mm! [SMACKS LIPS]

Lord Marlow told me the most extraordinary tale this morning.

Something called an "eclipse."

Apparently, there's rumor from reliable sources,

evil spirits will pour out

like an open spigot from the sky.

The Devil's doing for this wretched king.

Reliable sources, you say? MRS BENNETT: Oh, it's true.

[CUTLERY CLATTERS] Yes, evil is afoot.

MR BENNETT: Hmm. First a German monarch.

Then the pox. MR BENNETT: Pox.

And now there's a hole in the sky? MR BENNETT: Hmm.

Whatever's next? [GROUP CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

However problematic you find Georgey's ascension,

the bloody Jacobites are sullying the streets

with violence and mayhem... [SCOFFS]

...like snobbish children whose toys have been taken.

[CROWD SHOUTING, CLAMORING] RIOTER: Long live the king!

I'm sorry, but they're nothing but seditious imbeciles

masquerading as revolutionaries.

You can't be serious?

I've been accused of many things, Mr B,

but seriousness isn't one of them.

A Hanover? Here?

It's an affront for any self-respecting Englishman.

The dismantling of the Tories... [SIR CHAUNCEY SLURPS]

...the Whigs' cloak-and-dagger ascent.

It's disgraceful. A vile coup.

This is our land. [TABLE THUDDING]

Yes. Yes. Yes. MR BENNETT: Our crown. Our birthright.

And I'm not about to let some filthy German

snatch it away from us. [GASPS] He's right.

If we're not careful,

we'll be eating schnitzel for breakfast.

Guten nacht. Guten tag.

Gutenpoppycock. MRS BENNETT: Indeed.

George Augustus? [GROANS]

Oh, I don't trust an Augustus. No, no, no.

But James Edward Stuart...

There you are. See? Now, that's a king's name.

Mm! And this Johann Bach fellow sounds suspicious too.

Everyone we've spoken to

considers the ascension illegitimate. Illegitimate.

Seriously, Humphrey, are you really worried

that some wily Whig is going to come

and seize your land while you're on the pot?

Sir, do you mock me? By no means.

Simply a disagreement between dearest friends

exchanging thoughts and ideas on politics of the day.

[INHALES] You, sir,

have an astute, agile mind on such matters.

I'm not much of a political animal.

[SLURPS] More of a peacock.

LADY SAVAGE: Mm! Who wants cake?

Only two servants. It's barbaric.

And did you see, they've sold their Van Goyen?

It's gambling debts, obviously.

[GROANS]MRS BENNETT: Oh, Humphrey.

[HORSE NEIGHS] Oh, shit!

I've never seen so much shit in my life!

[PANTING] From the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire.

Urgent.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Er. Sir!

LADY SAVAGE: I saw that telescope you got her.

How much did that cost?

I don't know what you're talking about?

Sir!

"D."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES] [ENVELOPE RIPPING]

It's a request...

from the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire.

They're to begin their yearly Yorkshire tour,

and one of their hosts, Lord Vernon,

has apparently succumbed to a grisly bout of the pox.

[BREATHES SHAKILY] And... What? What? What? What is it?

They need a place to dine and sleep in ten days' time,

and are curious if we can...

[HESITATES] ...accommodate.

No. [SIR CHAUNCEY GASPS]

LADY SAVAGE: No. Yes!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [GASPS]

Shit, shit, shit, shit! Shit, shit, shit!

SIR CHAUNCEY: Please, please. Please, please, please? LADY SAVAGE: No! No!

I'm sorry, no, we can't. No. Please.

Is this a prank? A spiteful jest?

I assure you, it's quite real.

Look at the penmanship. It's remarkable!

Do you think he wrote it himself?

We have neither the means

nor the staff to accommodate such a noble request.

I'm sorry, but I will not be humiliated.

Wouldn't rejecting such a request

be equally humiliating, if not more?

Er. We could lie.

We could respond with lurid accounts

of sickness ourselves. My darling, my love, please.

Can't you see the opportunity?

A Yorkshire tour during an outbreak and uprising.

We are the beneficiaries of miraculous circumstance!

Chauncey, please.

In candor, we were probably fifth or sixth on the list,

but that's neither here nor there.

Don't you see? We were chosen.

This is our chance to restore your family name.

To put us back on top.

To rewrite history without anyone being the wiser,

save for a few nosy neighbors and debt collectors.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]

You are the company you keep.

[GASPS]

Ah, imagine our lives after such a revered dinner.

The invitations to balls and galas

in various royal courts.

Wah! [EXCLAIMS] [SQUEALS, EXCLAIMS]

Filled with dueling wits and platters of pineapple.

[GROWLS, IN FRENCH ACCENT] And maybe, maybe... [LADY SAVAGE GASPS]

...an 'oliday in old Paris with the Duke and Duchess. [GASPS]

Oh, My Lady Savage, you look particularly ravishing ce soir!

Why, thank you, Your Grace. [GASPS] This is madness.

I know. But isn't it fun?

[SNICKERS] [LADY SAVAGE SQUEALS]

[SWORDS CLANGING]

REGINALD: Your birth was brutal and without distinction.

You've had to claw and scratch your way every inch

to pull yourself out of the muck.

And look where you are now.

Lord of the bloody manor!

A duke and duchess to dine at my table.

You're an inspiration to low-born ruffians everywhere.

[PANTING] After we befriend the Duke, our vexed collectors

will be forced to forgive their loans.

Or ask for interest.

Oh! Ah! [GROANS] You little shit!

Fuck! [CHUCKLING] Sorry, sir. It was an accident.

SIR CHAUNCEY: I'll show you an accident! Oh, fuck!

[REGINALD MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY] SIR CHAUNCEY: Come here, you fuck!

FANNY: Seems like a rather large waste of money, no?

[FIREWOOD CRACKLING] You worry too much.

You'll give yourself irritable bowels.

Look, nothing's set in stone, my love.

But if we do accept,

think of it as an investment in our future.

I imagine, one day, you're going to marry well

and save us all from ruin.

You speak of me as if I were property

to be sold to the highest bidder.

Tragic as it might seem, you are.

Fertile land to be nurtured, gardened,

and, on occasion, drunkenly ploughed in the night

without adequate satisfaction.

But, Mama, you married Papa for love.

He was nothing more than a charming rogue.

Yes, and look where that foolishness has left us.

Oh, you're a fantasist, my love. Just like your father.

Lost in the stars. Now, get some rest.

[MICE SQUEAKING]

Say goodnight to the mice.

No. I'll do no such thing. Please.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

You're a disturbed child, but I love you.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[SNICKERS]

[EXHALES, SNIFFS] [DOOR OPENING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Miss Neville!

How curious to see you in the cellar.

Oh, I-- I must be lost, me laird.

If you're not too busy,

perhaps you could help me butter my biscuit

with a little clotted cream and gooseberry jam?

Why, of course, me laird.

[SIR CHAUNCEY MOANS] [CHUCKLES]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Dirty little piggy.

[BLOWS AIR] [SIR CHAUNCEY BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

LADY SAVAGE You're a gifted swordsman, Mr Halifax.

It's all in the wrist, My Ladyship.

For what it's worth...

I implore you to accept the Duke's request

and to reply with haste.

This is your chance to rebuild Savage House

and finally return your name to its rightful place.

You deserve to shine, my love.

To be the golden beacon you were born to be,

before the men in your life

sullied and squandered your good fortune.

Hold me.

Don't touch me!

[INHALES] I think I love you.

[GASPS]

[BOTH SMOOCH] [JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: In the sweet-smelling sheets of her young lover,

Lady Savage finally agreed

to host the Duke and Duchess for dinner,

a responsibility she did not take lightly.

And so, our march of folly begins.

[LADY SAVAGE LAUGHING]

["THE FOUR SEASONS, AUTUMN" BY VIVALDI PLAYING]

Knowing my husband is prone to indulgence,

I have taken it upon myself to guide the process

of restoring our home to its former glory

in ten days' time,

and I've made a detailed list of all expected duties

to eradicate any confusion or negligence.

Mr Halifax, you are to handle all manual labor,

including, but not exclusive to, gardening, carpentry... [SLURPS, BELCHES]

...and general restoration.

Miss Neville, in addition to your usual cleaning duties,

you are to work with Mr Walcot in conceiving and procuring

the necessary items for our menu,

as well as notifying the finest tradesmen

in their various fields.

Art dealer, jewel merchant, dressmaker, et al.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

This is a duke's dinner, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a great honor.

No expense shall be spared.

[BREATHES SHARPLY] Now, the clock is ticking. So...

Chop chop! [CHUCKLES]

I've been thinking about dinner guests.

We should invite Lord Cumberland and Earl...

so-and-so. And add a little culture.

Perhaps that witty Dubliner, Dean Swift?

At short notice and during an outbreak,

it'll be tough.

But we can try. [BELCHES] What?

It's not my fault.

I'm a nervous eater, you know that. [MUNCHES]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Up, up, up, up, up!

Sir! Please! Please! [LAUGHS]

Climbing the social ladder can be perilous,

if you're not careful. [EXCLAIMS] Sir!

LADY SAVAGE: Stop horsing around, darling.

No need to cry about it. Wuss. [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS, SIGHS]

Perhaps after you've finished, Miss Neville,

you can unearth my mother's china

from whatever dusty cabinet you've hidden it in.

Can't seem to find it anywhere. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[PANTING] Yes, ma'am.

[SIGHS]

[HAMMER THUDDING] Oh, yes, yes, just like that.

[SNORTS] I'd help,

but I'm utterly useless with a hammer.

[CHUCKLES] There's so much that needs to be done.

The pressure's unimaginable! Mm. [BREATHES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

SIR CHAUNCEY: I don't know what I'd do without you.

[GROANS, BELCHES]

[HAMMER THUDDING]

I was thinking of possibly selling off another parcel

to bankroll the necessary additions for the dinner.

You've already sold or loaned against every parcel, sir.

Some twice. Need I remind you of our Mr Black?

Oh. Yes, yes, of course.

Parcel 11. I-- I was merely musing.

No self-respecting gentleman knows his bank balance.

Well, if you're not careful, sir,

we'll end up in Fleet, or worse, Bedlam.

Never mind the particulars. We'll think of something.

[HAMMER THUDDING]

MR BRIMSBY: What a fine collection,

Your Ladyship.

Your family's impeccable taste is well known

and without exception.

This item, in particular, is of great interest.

No, I'm afraid I can't, Mr Brimsby.

My Aunt Elsa gave me that.

But, darling, you never wear it. [SIGHS]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

Only the pearls and the garnets. I won't sell my jewels.

NARRATOR: And so, Lady Savage... [SIGHS]

...sadly sold her mother's pearls,

her aunt's earrings,

and a slew of Venetian trinkets to Mr Brimsby

for a rather large pouch of coin.

There was a great deal left

to acquire for the Duke's dinner,

and now, they had the requisite means.

[THRILLING CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] NARRATOR: First and foremost,

with three notable paintings missing in the parlor room,

Chauncey decided it was prudent to purchase lesser works

of equal size to replace them.

The large empty squares marked by dust and sun damage

were a garish sight to any learned eye,

particularly, a duke and duchess.

This comes from Giacomo Adolfi,

an incredible talent and a disciple of Caravaggio.

His work isn't as known,

but he is held in the highest regard

in the essential circles. SIR CHAUNCEY: Hmm.

I-- I sold one last month to the Earl of Leicester.

All very hush-hush, of course.

Of course. Er...

Yes, I see now.

Quite magnificent. Brilliant.

Er, what may I ask is the price?

You have impeccable taste, Sir Chauncey.

I'm sure we can come to a fair and equitable understanding.

NARRATOR: Of course,

not understanding the finer things,

Chauncey painfully overpaid the nobleman, Lord Wilbury.

MR BOYLE: These are Jacobean with a rattan back.

Er. These are Queen Anne with a cabriole leg.

This is the latest fashion.

It's Italian silk damask with a ball-and-claw foot.

Er. This fabric was woven by blind nuns in Holland.

They're lovely. They have tiny fingers.

Now, these feet look like gold. They aren't, actually.

And these are our chairs.

Yes, Duke. No, of course, Duke.

Did you hear, Duke? Yoo-hoo!

[INHALES] NARRATOR: Chauncey and Lady Savage

had agreed not to tell anyone

of their illustrious dinner guests,

but quickly abandoned such secrecy

and proceeded to inform everyone

that passed through their home or would listen.

Of course, they did so with great discretion.

And pigs can fly! Oh, no, it's true.

Then you must have these.

For a duke and duchess,

the curtains must always match the sheets.

Duchess, your chariot awaits! [SQUEALS, CHUCKLES] Get up.

[SHRIEKS, LAUGHS] [LAUGHS, WHISTLES]

[THRILLING CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUNCHES]

What's the occasion, Your Ladyship?

Don't tell a soul,

but the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire

are coming for dinner. Oh!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

You must have this then.

Lady Lennox wore it to the Cumberland Ball.

Everyone at the Royal Court is wearing it.[SLURPS]

Oh, it's stunning! [GASPS] You're too modest.

Oh! With a figure like yours, Your Ladyship,

it'll be perfection.

I'll tuck it here, here, and here.

[GASPS] Just you see.

Do I have to wear this?

Yes, you do.

Darling...

you're like a beautifully wrapped candy

that, once bitten, is laced with lye and hemlock.

And you, dearest husband, are like a provenance rose. [SLURPS, SWALLOWS]

A charming and colorful creature

that, on closer inspection, is actually quite thorny

and grown in manure. [CHUCKLES, GROWLS]

[BREATHES SHARPLY] [INHALES]

Sir... I know, I know.

I'll pay the rest next month. I promise.

Sir... Ah!

A duke's dinner could be invaluable for business.

Especially during such a wretched outbreak. Hmm?

They'll be ready before the dinner.

[GASPS, KISSES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Darling. NARRATOR: With mischievous glee,

the two continued to dig themselves into debt.

Hmm! NARRATOR: For ambition,

like any sweet elixir, can be a blinding thing.

They even commissioned a family portrait

to color them in a more lavish light

than their circumstance suggested.

For perception is everything,

especially among the ruling class.

Why are you holding a pheasant, Papa?

You don't hunt.

Nobody wants to see reality, my love.

They only want the fantasy. HANS: Don't move.

I know you think you are not moving,

but you are.

[IN GERMAN] Fucking peasants.

[MUSIC CONCLUDES] [SNIFFS]

LADY SAVAGE: [IN ENGLISH] Pardon the costumes. Hmm!

LADY SAVAGE: I know this may sound rather peculiar,

but you are to impersonate the Duke and Duchess

so we may rehearse the fashionable

dance of the day,

whilst dearest Fanny can practice her harpsichord.

If anyone should be playing the Duke and Duchess

in this game, it should be us.

Then they'd be you and I, dear. That's not particularly helpful.

What about the eclipse? [SIGHS] What about it?

Some fear it's going to create a black mirror in the sky

for dark spirits to funnel through.

If you don't start playing, I'll show you a dark spirit

in the form of a birch paddle,

or perhaps those wretched mice of yours

would like a little arsenic with their breakfast. [GASPS]

Or perhaps I should shave them

and make myself a fashionable pair of eyebrows.

You wouldn't! I most certainly would.

Now, this is the Duke and Duchess.

We must be at our very best.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Duke, may I have this dance?

Of course, Your Ladyship.

If I may say, you are a vision this evening.

You may not, Mr Halifax. Why, thank you, Your Grace.

Duchess.

Fanny! [MELODIC HARPSICHORD PLAYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] [BIRDS CHIRPING]

[PANTS]

How's it going with Her Ladyship?

We're nearly there, my love. We are nearly there, I promise.

[INHALES] And the moment, I'm sure of her affections,

Chauncey will be plagued by tragedy.

Perhaps the poisoning of a teacake or wine.

[SIR CHAUNCEY SNORING]

REGINALD: Or a hunting accident while fowling.

[BIRD CHITTERING]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS]

DOROTHY: Or drunkenly tumbling from his window sill.

I will ascend to lord of the manor

and shower you with the riches you so richly deserve.

Hmm. [REGINALD BREATHES SHARPLY]

[DOROTHY MOANS] [BOTH SMOOCH]

[PANTING] He's a sad old man, and uncharitable lover, but...

he's not without his charms. Hmm.

While we're in the murderous spirit,

why not kill off Her Ladyship as well?

A drowning at daybreak,

or an errant slip on a soapy floor.

[LADY SAVAGE SCREAMS] [LOUD THUD]

No, that's too suspicious.

Them both dying of unnatural and curious causes.

Not to mention little Fanny.

Who cares about that sniveling little snob?

Those mice of hers eat better than I do.

We have to think of the long game here.

After the dinner, after the dust settles,

we'll make our move.

[DOROTHY CHUCKLES]

Hmm, hmm. [CHUCKLES]

[HAMMER THUDDING] [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

[CROWS CAWING] [ANIMALS CHITTERING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Good day, sir!

How may I help you?

REGINALD: Er. Higher, ma'am? [DOROTHY YELPS, GIGGLES]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [CLOCK TICKING]

[DOROTHY GRUNTS] [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS]

REGINALD: Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Lower. And a little to the left.

[GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

[EXCLAIMS]

[GROANS, HISSES, GRUNTS]

Oh! [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who the hell?

[MUFFLED CHATTER] Don't argue, just...

Mr and Mrs Bennett. To what do we owe the honor?

We were just taking our morning stroll

and thought we'd stop by. Are the Savages in, by chance?

Of course.

[LEATHER SQUEAKS] [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS SOFTLY]

We don't mean to impose, but we--

You most certainly do. Beg your pardon?

Whenever someone begins a sentence with,

"We don't mean to impose,"

followed by the word "but," they most certainly mean it.

Don't apologize, Mr Bennett. Simply continue your imposition. [SLURPS]

We're all friends here. [CHUCKLES] No, no, no, no, no!

No, really-- It's not like that at all. Well, we were just--

[HESITATES] ...strolling. [HESITATES] ...strolling.

Well, you see, we really don't mean to impose, but, er...

we did hear that the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire

were coming for dinner.

It's true. MR BENNETT: Oh!

How magnificent! SIR CHAUNCEY: Truly.

[CHUCKLES] It's all the gossip!

Er, we heard Lord Vernon's illness

had taken a terrible turn for the worse.

One man's tragedy is another's treasure.

Indeed. Mm.

[SIR CHAUNCEY SLURPS] Is that a Caravaggio?

A gentleman never boasts. Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]

[SIR CHAUNCEY SLURPS] You two look simply glowing.

That dress. Your hair. [CHUCKLES] Er.

Er. Your complexion. I mean, it's...

[GASPS] It is remarkable.

MR BENNETT: Er. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Oh, you're too kind.

[MUNCHES]

[SIR CHAUNCEY SWALLOWS]

Would it be too much to enquire our standing?

[HESITATES] To that, I mean our invitation.

[MUNCHES] [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh!

MRS BENNETT: Mm.

Dearest friends.

I'm afraid that every seat is spoken for.

Hmm. [SLURPS]

But rest assured, that if anyone should drop out,

you are firmly in consideration. [MUNCHES]

Of course. Of course. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yes. Yes. [STAMMERS] We wouldn't want to impose. Want to impose.

It's no imposition at all. [CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS]

[STOPWATCH TICKING] SIR CHAUNCEY: Gosh, look at the time.

If you'll excuse us, we have a great deal to prepare.

[GROANS] We're very busy.

If anything should change, don't forget...

[GROANS] Oh, are you all right, my love?

It's fine, it's nothing. It's nothing.

No, let me get a doctor to take a look.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Oh, don't be so dramatic.

I've more than enough wine to quell the pain. [GROANS]

Oh!

Now, show me the bloody flower options again!

Don't you raise your voice with me.

You're acting like a petulant child.

I'm sorry, darling. [INHALES]

I'd simply like to see the flower options again,

if that's not too much to ask. You wouldn't know the difference

between peonies and bloody daffodils,

but very well. I have a keen eye

and a sharp nose... [SNIFFS] ...I'll have you know.

Don't forget a limp leg. You're relentless.

Thank you. Are you quite finished?

Good.

Because we need two more footmen for tomorrow's rehearsal.

One for either side of the table.

Where am I supposed to find two footmen,

in the middle of nowhere?

LADY SAVAGE: I don't care if you have to dress up a donkey

and a bloody Jacobite! Just do it.

We've got auditions this afternoon

and they cannot be rescheduled!

You're relentless!

[GROANS] Dorothy!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] [BREATHES HEAVILY]

What the hell are you doing, big toe? [PANTS]

[GASPS] Oh, shit! [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WHIMPERS, GASPS]

[GROANS]

[FLIES BUZZING]

Hey! Look who's here! [CHICKENS CLUCKING, SQUAWKING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Oh, morning, Beryl. Myfanwy.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [DONKEY BRAYING]

Gather round! Gather round, everybody.

Jacob, Jacob. Well done. Well done.

Got some good news. All gather round. Don't be shy.

[WHISTLES]

I need two fine men for an assignment in the main house. [PIGS SNORTING]

You'll be more than fairly compensated

for your time.

NARRATOR: Chauncey had sympathy for his workers' plight,

for he was once one of them.

They were an unfortunate and painful reminder

of his humble beginnings.

[PIGS BELCHING, SNORTING]

NARRATOR: Though he would never admit it,

this was the reason Chauncey

rarely, if ever, visited the stables.

[HUFFS, SNORTS]

Now, who here has all their limbs,

including their fingers? Hands up.

Ah.

You. And you.

Excellent. You two, come this way.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

NARRATOR: Chauncey even paid them

a handsome stipend

from his dwindling pouch, far more than was warranted,

and expressly against Her Ladyship's wishes.

Don't tell Her Ladyship. This is our little secret.

Yes, sir.

What's your name, my good man? James, sir.

James Darby. Ooh, strong name. Very English.

And yours? Leslie.

Not as strong. A little feminine. Now...

I'm going to call you Horace.

It's a strong name. My father was a Horace.

Come along. Come along.

I'll leave you fine men

in the care of my valet, Mr Halifax.

Check them for all signs of pox, pimples,

malodorous breath, fetid sweat and foul urine.

Then boil their clothes...

[GROANS] ...perfume their limbs...

[GROANS] ...clean them up... [SNIFFS]

...show them the basics. Chop chop.

REGINALD: This is the only warning

you're going to get, so, heed it well.

Do not take advantage of Sir Chauncey's charity.

[BREATHES SHARPLY] REGINALD: He may be a kind and magnanimous man,

but I assure you, I am not.

To even ponder pinching a pastry

would be to meet an untimely end.

Am I understood? [GULPS]

Good. [GASPS]

[DISTANT BELL CHIMING] Oh, not bad! Not bad at all!

Well done, Reginald.

Fine work. Thank you, sir.

How does it feel to be a footman? [SNIFFS]

To be out of the muck? Like a new man, sir. Thank you.

Brilliant. Less smiling. But brilliant.

Well done. Well done. [HAMMER THUDDING]

REGINALD: Yeah, that's it. Hurry up. Pull it out.

That's it. Yeah. Yeah, come on.

I would help, but I'm utterly useless with a hammer.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [BOTH APPLAUD]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GASPS]

LADY SAVAGE: I don't like that.

[GASPS]

Ooh!

[SLURPS] Salmay, Dalmay, Adonay!

[IMITATES GOOSE HONKING]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, he's good, isn't he?

[CHUCKLES] Very.

[CHUCKLES, APPLAUDS] [APPLAUDS]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

What do you think of the new footmen?

Very respectable. Hmm.

What do you think of our performers?

Oh, quite riveting. Yes.

All the world's a stage...

I could do this. I've tread the boards,

played the Bard.

And all the men and women...

Merely players. ...merely players.

They have their exits... PERFORMER: They have their exits...

and entrances.

And one man in his time...

[MOUTHS] Plays many parts. ...plays many parts.

Oh, yeah! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! [APPLAUDS]

Jesus... [WHIMPERS] ...put me on the rack.

[SOBS] If you don't behave yourself,

I'll have you severed and fed to the mice!

You fucker!

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

[MUNCHES, SIGHS]

[MUNCHES] Mm. [GULPS, BREATHES DEEPLY]

[INHALES]

[MOUSE SQUEAKS] [GROANS] Oh!

Fuck!

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] [HUFFS]

[MOUSE SQUEAKS]

[GRUMBLES]

[MOUSE SQUEAKS]

[CHUCKLES MENACINGLY] LADY SAVAGE: Dorothy?

Where are you? The rehearsal!

Dorothy!

Tighter.

[CORD RUSTLING, SQUEAKING]

Tighter!

[EXCLAIMS, GROANS] Ow! Be careful!

Sorry, ma'am.

[RAZOR BLADE CLINKING]

[RAZOR BLADE SCRAPING]

[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[INHALES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [VOICES SNICKERING]

[ANGUS GRUNTS]

REGINALD: The rehearsal dinner is nearly ready, sir.

[CLOCK TICKING]

Darling, we're going to have to get the carpenter

to raise the ceilings, if your wigs get any larger.

I can hear the complaints of vexed theatregoers already.

Oh, it's not that bad.

It's a mountainous rodent.

Oh.

Oh, Duke, what do you think of my gown?

Is it too much?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Your Grace, you're too kind! [CHUCKLES]

What did he say? A woman never tells.

You're both mad as a hatter.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

She's such a card. [CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]

Oh, this looks divine! Oh.

[CHUCKLES] Ah!

Hmm![SNIFFS] Mm!

[SIGHS]

I'd like to thank you all for your generous attendance

and decorous gifts.

We are humbled and honored to host the Duke and Duchess

on such a glorious evening.

[INHALES] I'll finish the rest later.

Cin-cin,and bon appétit.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[SLURPS] Mm! [SIR CHAUNCEY SIGHS]

[INHALES SHARPLY, SMACKS LIPS]

[LADY SAVAGE SIGHS] [CHUCKLES]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GRUNTS]

[CUTLERY CLINKING]

[SNIFFS]

[RETCHES, SPITS]

[YELLS] What the hell is this? Send it back!

Well, it's a little undercooked, but... it's not that bad.

It's foul, positively rancid!

And certainly not fit for a bloody duke.

We'll be sent to the gallows! [SIGHS]

Next course! [SLURPS, GARGLES]

[GARGLES, RETCHES]

[HAWKS, SPITS] I'm so sorry, Duke.

[RETCHES, GROANS]

NARRATOR: After a long day of endless eating and drinking,

Chauncey finally succumbed to his considerable pain.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GRUNTS, GROANS]

LADY SAVAGE: Darling? [GROANS, SOBS]

What is it? SIR CHAUNCEY: [WAILS] Ow, my toe!

Get the doctor.

[WHINES, SOBS] Oh, darling.

Dorothy, help! [GROANS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS]

[GROANS, EXHALES]

[WHIMPERS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

Yes, it appears you have a touch of the King's disease,

as they say. King's disease?

It feels like the bloody thing is going to explode!

I assure you, it will not explode.

The Duke is coming in less than a week.

I cannot be hobbling about like some village idiot!

Take this three times a day. [SIGHS]

It's the very latest. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

DR HEMMINGS: A peculiar, though effective combination

of laxatives, liquorice and coriander.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Liquorice? If it worsens, let me know at once,

and I'll apply the necessary leeches.

I must advise the strict avoidance... [BREATHES DEEPLY]

...of all red meat and drink

until the swelling and pain pass.

You have my word, Doctor.

I'll not drink a droplet till the Duke's dinner, I swear.

[WINE POURING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS] Duke and Duchess are only days away.

Would you like some more, sir? SIR CHAUNCEY: Hmm.

[SLURPS, GULPS]

[BELCHES, BREATHES HEAVILY]

[MUNCHES]

["THE FOUR SEASONS, AUTUMN" BY VIVALDI PLAYING]

REGINALD: Up, up, up! Careful!

NARRATOR: With five days till the Duke's dinner,

as was custom, they sent their luggage ahead

with strict instructions on how best to prepare.

COACHMAN 2: Whoa.

NARRATOR: From the precise fold of a precious garment,

to the herbs with which to scent their pillow.

[WHISTLES]

I know movement isn't your first instinct.

Should we try a little urgency?

[WORKERS GRUNT] REGINALD: Through to the back!

MR BLACK: Savage!

Savage!

Why, Mr Black, to what do we owe the honor?

Enough tomfoolery, boy.

I see our traveler has returned.

I need a word with Mr Savage, at once!

It's true, he has, but I'm afraid

he's fallen gravely ill, possibly the pox. Last week it was Hamburg,

now it's the bloody pox! You're shameless.

This is Mr Loughton, the gentleman

to whom your employer sold

the same parcel of land as he did to me.

Next time you see us,

we shall be accompanied by the authorities. Good day!

Good day, sir.

[CLAPS] Come on, Darby!

NARRATOR: With the Duke's arrival imminent,

Lady Savage called upon Mr Brimsby once more.

Against her better judgement,

she sold a slew of family heirlooms

to help pay for their mounting bills.

She even conceded to sell

her grandmother's cherished ring,

that she had sworn she wouldn't.

Stunning specimen, Your Ladyship...

truly. Thank you, Mr Brimsby.

[COINS JANGLING]

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS]

Mama, you're going to send us

to the poor house if you keep this up.

Not now, Fanny. I'm in no mood. [BOX LID CLOSING]

[BELL RINGING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Hurry!

Hurry. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

So much needs to be done, I--

My Lord, please. Remember what the doctor said!

I don't care what the bloody doctor says!

What does he know?

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Liquorice and laxatives?

I've been shitting in a bloody pan all night!

[INHALES, GRUNTING] I need to check on preparations!

You're not going anywhere, per doctor's orders!

[GRUMBLES, PANTS]

Perhaps Mrs Bennett was right.

Evil is afoot.

These Jacobites and wretched revolutionaries

are stirring up the masses.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Cholera and typhus

preying upon the poor. Huh?

And now pox creeping its way to the countryside

and lurking at our doorstep.

[GRUNTING] Not to mention my bloody toe!

[GASPS, SHUDDERS] [PIG SNORTING]

Just relax, My Lord.

Everything's going to be all right.

Oh, you're a divine creature.

A celestial being with sanguine skin

and supple thighs. [GROWLS] [GIGGLES] I must confess,

I want nothing more than to bear you a son.

[GASPS, BREATHES DEEPLY] The gift Her Ladyship has never been able to give.

To be your actual mistress. [GROWLS, SHUDDERS]

I promise, darling, it'll happen in due time. [GIGGLES]

[GROWLS, INHALES SHARPLY]

Now, do you have any clotted cream, perchance?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[REGINALD SLURPS, SMOOCHES]

[CLEARS THROAT] Erm...

hypothetically speaking, could you ever envision me

as an adequate replacement for Chauncey,

if his gout were to worsen,

or something unforeseen were to happen to him?

What a perfectly absurd idea, Mr Halifax. You jest.

For if your insinuations were designs,

I'd have to have you sent to the gallows.

Now, resume licking my bum

before I give it another thought. Of course, My Ladyship.

[SLURPS, SMOOCHES] Oh! [CHUCKLES, MOANS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] [CROWS CAWING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Did you poison him? Of course not. Did you?

Of course not!

Oh, he's probably just being dramatic.

He doesn't handle pain very well. Hmm.

Is she any closer? [WHISPERS] She's playing coy, but coming around. You'll see.

[SHEARS SNIPPING] By the time the Devonshires leave...

[SNIPPING CONTINUES]

Leslie.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] You didn't happen to hear anything, did you?

You weren't eavesdropping, were you?

Spying like a weaselly knave? [BREATHES SHAKILY]

Hmm?

[LESLIE WHIMPERS] REGINALD: Come here! You little shit! Come here!

[LESLIE PANTING] REGINALD: Leslie!

LESLIE: Help! [WHIMPERS] Help! REGINALD: Horace!

[LESLIE WHIMPERS, PANTS] REGINALD: Leslie, come here!

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[LESLIE SCREAMING] [SHEARS SLASHING]

They're all rejection letters. Every one of them.

SIR CHAUNCEY: What, Dean Swift? No.

Lord Cumberland? No.

They're all very genteel,

but they're rejections nonetheless.

It appears that no one wants to attend the dinner

for fear of having to travel during an outbreak.

Er. "We regret to inform you..."

"We cordially have to..."

"It is with a heavy heart

that I must decline your invitation."

NARRATOR: It was as if, with each rejection,

he could hear them snickering.

[VOICES SNICKERING]

NARRATOR: He wasn't noble enough.

Gentlemanly enough. Smart enough.

[LADY SAVAGE SIGHS DEEPLY]

NARRATOR: No matter what he did, or how much he spent,

what paintings adorned his walls,

or clothes his person,

Chauncey could never escape the simple fact

he was born with the wrong last name.

LADY SAVAGE: Yes. Move your hand to the right.

Bottom corner-- Yeah, that's it, and then up.

Up, up, up, up, up. Higher, higher, higher.

Up, up, up.

No, no, now you've gone too far. Come down.

Up on the left.

That's it. Keep going, keep going, keep going,

keep going, keep going, keep going,

keep... keep-- No, keep going, keep going.

No, no, no, no, no! Careful! Careful, careful, careful!

Now down a little.

Yes, yes, yes. No, stop. What do you think, darling?

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] [CLOCK TICKING]

LADY SAVAGE: Look, darling, they match there!

NARRATOR: In her husband's absence,

Lady Savage had commanded the ship quite admirably.

Leaving no stone unturned, she had led her listless staff

the way a great general might stage a siege...

Er. Mr Darby, those vases don't belong there,

they live in the parlor room. ..or dramatist his opening night.

[SIGHS] Mr Walcot.

[GASPS] Darling, doesn't this look wonderful?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[CLICKS TONGUE] Mm!

[MUNCHES] Mm!

[MUNCHES]

Mr Walcot, you've improved enormously.

That pear is tart and delicious. [ANGUS CHUCKLES]

We'll have this, this, this, this, and this.

Er, of course, ma'am.

Er.

Miss Neville. Hmm?

Is that a stain? Sorry, ma'am.

What if the Duke were to see it?

[PANTS]

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: In his fragile state,

Chauncey could no longer see the beauty of their home,

only its warts.

He became transfixed by a minuscule crack

on a distant wall, the corner of a painting slightly askew,

a sliver of dust on the mantel. Nothing was right.

A sort of madness had begun to sink in

that could not be hindered or halted.

Like an undercooked soufflé, he was collapsing into himself.

REGINALD: Would you like some wine, sir?

LADY SAVAGE: No. No, he would not.

Would you, darling?

Darling? [WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[BREATHES HEAVILY, HUFFS]

[GASPS]

What happened to... What's his name?

REGINALD: Who? The toothless fellow.

I haven't seen him all day. Er, Leslie?

Er. Yes, that's it. Horace. Where's Horace?

He must have disappeared.

Sir, please. People don't just disappear.

REGINALD: Perhaps he quit or joined the Jacobites.

Horace wouldn't that. We had a connection.

Darling, can this wait? It can't. Have you seen him?

No, sir. Well, where the hell is he?

I don't know, sir. Maybe he fell ill with the pox,

or ran off with a barmaid. Well, find him, goddamn it!

Do I have to do everything myself?

The Duke's dinner is any day now,

and I'm surrounded by idiocy and ineptitude!

Please, sir, stand still!

If you ever want me to finish this expeditious... [SIR CHAUNCEY HUFFS]

...hackneyed portrait of familial forgery

and counterfeit love,

then you will do me the kindness to stand bloody still!

[GASPS]

[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm sorry, sir. I-- I-- I-- I spoke out of turn.

I-- I did not mean any offence.

I-- I-- I have been under a great deal of stress

and I am simply trying to illuminate--

"Familial forgery and counterfeit love"?

You, Mr Roos...

[WHIMPERS] ...have the tact, taste, and artistic acumen

of a blind infant

painting with his own feces, you little shit!

I've never heard such abrasive... [EXHALES SHAKILY]

...brushstrokes in my life.

May I remind you that it is you who works for me?

You've been paid handsomely for your rapidity. Well...

And if I hear any more grumbling or grievance,

I shall have no choice

but to carve up your hands with a hatchet.

Am I understood, hmm?

And you, dearest Reginald, mutinous dissident,

are you trying to thwart...

Oh... ...and undermine this glorious dinner

with your incessant incompetence, hmm?

Not only can you not lead your staff,

apparently, you cannot find them.

And you, you're no better,

with your sympathetic ear, your generous bosom,

your callous cunt and clotted cream.

You're a chocolate-covered spider!

And where's Angus, hmm? [DOROTHY GASPS]

Angus Walcot, the only man in England

who can cook a cow that even I cannot eat!

[GRUMBLES] You see this? What would the Duke say?

This entire house is covered in a film of filth and poverty!

Our food is wretched. Our flowers stale.

Our staff missing.

It has to be perfect! I will not be mocked!

Nothing is right! Where's Horace?

Where is Horace?! Who?

Your father's dead, my darling, and he has been for many years. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Just... just breathe. [SOBBING] What will the Duke think of us?

I'm a monstrous sight. Look at us!

A hunchback of Yorkshire in this house of horrors.

No, no, be calm, my love. Be calm.

[YELLS] I am calm! [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS] FANNY: Papa! [SCREAMS]

[PANTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Someone should sort out that crack.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS, SHUDDERS]

DR HEMMINGS: Your condition has worsened precipitously.

Have you been taking your medication,

following my strict instructions?

I've fallen gravely ill, Doctor.

Can't you feel my fever? [BREATHES HEAVILY]

You have no fever, sir.

Perhaps it's pox, or... or the sweating sickness then.

[GRUMBLING] Or those wretched Bennetts have...

have poisoned me for my position!

I can assure you, you have not been poisoned, sir. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

It is merely gout. You just need rest.

There's no time to rest! The Duke and Duchess are coming!

Search the Bennetts' house at once! I demand it!

Odious butchers! This is negligence!

Wickedness! [BREATHES HEAVILY] [SHUSHES]

Yes, er, why don't we try a little laudanum

to ease the pain? [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS, PANTS]

Now, stick your tongue out, and say, "Ah."

Ah... [MOANS, GULPS]

DR HEMMINGS: Now... Opium.

...I shall apply the leeches.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

DR HEMMINGS: One. SIR CHAUNCEY: [CHUCKLING] That's ticklish.

[LAUGHING] It's ticklish. [GROANS]

Two.

[SHUDDERS, STAMMERS] Slimy...

leech.

[WHIMPERS] DR HEMMINGS: Three.

[SIR CHAUNCEY PANTS, CHUCKLES] Oh!

DR HEMMINGS: Yes, this one is the clever one. [SIR CHAUNCEY HISSES, GROANS]

[MOANS]

And my favorite, four.

My best leech.

Now, they will help.

But you must follow my dietary instructions

if you are to heal in time for your dinner.

You have my word. DR HEMMINGS: Hmm.

[MUMBLES] Opium, opium. DR HEMMINGS: Yes.

SIR CHAUNCEY: [MUMBLES] Opium. Opium. More opium.

Opium. More opium. [LADY SAVAGE CLICKS TONGUE]

SIR CHAUNCEY: More opium.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[PIG SNORTING]

[EXCLAIMS, GASPS]

Dinner's tonight, I'm going to be late.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[PIG GRUNTING, SNORTING] SIR CHAUNCEY: Where am I?

[PANTS] How did I get here? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Where's my wig?

What if somebody sees me?

What if the Duke sees me? [GASPS]

They're going to be here in a moment.

[EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS]

[SOBBING] The Duke is coming. The Duke is coming.

[MUMBLES] The Duke is coming. The Duke is coming. [PIGS GRUNTING, SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS, PANTS]

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

Is anyone there?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [BREATHES HEAVILY] Reginald?

Dorothy?

Georgina?

[GRUNTS, PANTS, GROANS]

Anyone?

Anyone?

[TENSE MUSIC BUILDS]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Reginald?

Darling?

[PIGS SNORTING, SQUEALING]

What's that sound?

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Erm. Hello?

Hello? [PIGS CONTINUE SQUEALING]

[LADY SAVAGE PANTING]

[REGINALD GRUNTING] [LADY SAVAGE MOANING]

[MOANS, GASPS][GRUNTS]

It can't be. [WHIMPERS]

[GASPS] [WHISPERS] Oh, s... sorry.

Reginald, how could you?

He's, er... I...

er, wonder whether we might... [LADY SAVAGE BREATHES HEAVILY]

...just go back to the way things were a moment ago,

and pretend this never happened?

Your cock is inside my wife!

[GASPS, MOANS] Yes...

Oh! [GRUNTS]

[MOANS] SIR CHAUNCEY: I... is that my wig?

Er, please, sir, let's not do anything brash.

You swine!

You've left me no choice in the matter, I'm afraid. Er...

I must! You mustn't.

I must... REGINALD: You mustn't.

..demand... Please don't.

...satisfaction! Oh, fuck, really?

[FLIES BUZZING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Chauncey found himself in a moral quandary

of the most complex nature...

Double, bubble, toil and trouble.

Passions burn and bets are double. [BLOWS AIR]

...to defend his honor and adopted family name...

Yes! ...or to possibly kill

his best and, frankly, only friend. [BLOWS AIR, KISSES]

I've never dueled without Reginald.

Frankly, he usually defended my honor.

I don't know what to do. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Perhaps I should use the other footman as my second? My love.

He doesn't even know how to load a proper pistol,

let alone the rules of dueling. [SIGHS]

No, as much as it pains me,

you'll be foolish to select anyone other than Mr Bennett.

But then we'd have to invite him to the dinner.

Well, it's the lesser of evils, given the circumstances.

[SIR CHAUNCEY SIGHS] Besides, no one else has confirmed yet.

How is your foot, my love?

The leeches have helped.

Why...

Why did you have to fornicate with him?

[PERKY TUNE PLAYING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Why now? [BOTH KISS]

Erm, well, it's actually been going on for quite a while,

but that's neither here nor there.

Why did you have to demand satisfaction?

I had no choice. I'm a gentleman!

Oh! Well, you've picked a funny time

to start acting like one.

I beg you. I beg you, my love.

Please don't go through with this. I must.

But why? Why can't it wait until after the dinner?

[GRUNTS] I can't have him

serving the Duke and Duchess in front of me.

It'll be humiliating.

LADY SAVAGE: But no one will know. I'll know.

But it's suicide.

[CLICKS TONGUE] I need not remind you of all people

that Reginald is a marvelous shot.

Not to mention the blatant hypocrisy of it all. What? Hypocrisy?

I was simply trying to make you jealous

and have a little fun.

Whereas you, my darling, have a plethora of lovers,

including my own Lady's maid. But I'm allowed to, I'm a man.

Whereas you, my love, however glorious, are a woman.

By law, my property.

Oh! I'm well aware, husband.

But everything that you own has been handed down

and procured through my family. So, let's not mince words.

It's hypocrisy of the highest order. I never knew you cared.

You're my husband. Of course I do.

But you never said a word.

A wife doesn't. [SIR CHAUNCEY SIGHS]

Well, I can't go back now. It's too late.

I'll look weak and indecisive. [KISSES]

[GROANING] Oh. Oh!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] DOROTHY: [WHISPERS] Hurry!

This wasn't the plan. How could you be so careless?

Everything's under control, my love.

The man couldn't shoot a tree in a forest.

This is our moment. Trust me. [KISSES]

Hmm?

SIR CHAUNCEY: Everyone knows there's a vast chasm

in our ability of shot. MR BENNETT: Mm-hmm.

I'm a far taller target to hit.

Not to mention, I have a much bigger head.

As daunting as it might seem, you must go through with it.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] It's the only noble thing to do.

You can't be made a cuckold by your bloody valet!

I can hear the gossips already.

It'd be a stain you'd never be able to rub out.

You simply must! Of course. I wouldn't think of it.

As your second, I can't help but ask,

how is our invitation looking?

Well, there's been an enormous amount of interest...

MR BENNETT: Mm-hmm. ...but it simply wouldn't be the same

without you and Mrs Bennett. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS] I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

I've heard, from reliable sources,

the Duke and Duchess are quite excited.

Your wife's wit. Your keen eye with the cards. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's gonna be an absolute riot!

Indeed!

Look, I know this might sound crude or indelicate,

cart-before-horse as 'twere, but may I... We...

receive the Duke, if you happen to perish in the duel?

What? You know, just in case.

As a precautionary measure.

[QUIRKY TUNE PLAYING]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GASPS]

"I hope this finds you well,

and that you have a lovely dinner."

"I also hope to never see you again. Hans Roos."

I love the pheasant.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS]

[COINS JANGLING]

[DOOR OPENING, CLOSING]

Did anyone see you?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] [INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES]

[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]

[BOTH SMOOCH]

[COINS JANGLING] Will this suffice?

I don't understand.

For a momentary lapse in shot.

You want me to spare him?

Yes.

Why?

I c... I can replace him.

He's a dim and selfish man, and a poor shot, I know, but...

I love him. Do you?

But you... you are a woman of profound wisdom and strength.

He's a petty opportunist who flogs your lady's maid. Oh...

I'm readily aware of how we look from the outside...

but we love each other...

in our peculiar way.

I know of the rumors that he swindled me for my fortune,

but that wasn't the case at all. [INHALES DEEPLY]

I chose him...

his ambition...

his zeal.

He wasn't some stuffy suitor, inbred and idle.

He was... Oh, he was fun.

Life would be many things, but it would never be dull.

I-- No. I refused to marry well

and find myself in the enviable position

of being nothing more than an elegant rug

decorating my husband's drawing room.

It's a virtuous life, I'm sure.

Duty over desire. Obligation over happiness.

But that's not the life that I chose to live.

I chose him.

And I know this sounds odd, but I truly believe

that it's all been leading to this moment...

to this dinner.

And I refuse to let some...

lustful tryst...

as pleasurable as it might have been...

destroy it.

Please don't kill him.

[COINS JANGLING]

LADY SAVAGE: Please.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[COINS CLATTER] LADY SAVAGE: Reginald!

[SIGHS] [FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

REGINALD: Come on, Darby. [BIRDS SQUAWKING]

MR BENNETT: Psst! Hmm?

Aim for the head, the heart, the throat. I really don't care.

But shoot straight

and you'll have a handsome promotion

on the other side. Why is everyone trying to bribe me?

I've heard tales of your marksmanship

and dubious dealings.

You're a killer, my boy.

I assure you, your compensation is kind.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [BIRDS CHIRPING]

LADY SAVAGE: At least wear your spectacles.

They make me look bookish and fat.

If I'm going to die...

I'm going to look bloody good while doing it.

[MOUTHS] I love you.

[SMOOCHES]

I'm sorry I was so cruel the other night.

I wasn't myself.

I love you, you know.

More than anything in the whole world. [GASPS, SNIFFLES]

And I'm not just saying that because I'm at death's door.

[KISSES] [FANNY GASPS]

[GASPS, SOBS]

[SOBS]

[CROWS CAWING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] SIR CHAUNCEY: How could you?

You've put me in an impossible position.

It was you who demanded satisfaction, sir.

Let's not point fingers. REGINALD: I'm sorry, sir.

[PANTS] Perhaps we can resolve this matter

by merely nicking one another in a fleshy thigh

or... or-- Er. Losing a pinkie?

No one need lose their life this evening.

MR BENNETT: We're nearly there, gentlemen. [EXCLAIMS, GASPS]

I love duels.

["STABAT MATER" BY SCHUBERT PLAYING]

Sir Chauncey, as the assailed,

you may call. Heads.

[COIN CLINKING]

Heads it is. [EXHALES SHAKILY]

MR BENNETT: Sir Chauncey has won the toss

and shall fire first.

Mr Halifax, you must stand your ground.

Gentlemen...

ten paces. [SHUDDERS]

One, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[CHOIR SINGING]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[MOUTHS] I'm sorry.

[SCOFFS] It was the wind.

Didn't you feel that gust of wind?

Mr Bennett, there must be a technicality

for such an occurrence.

I should have another shot, shouldn't I?

MR BENNETT: Sir Chauncey, I'm afraid...

[BREATHES HEAVILY] ...you must stand your ground and receive Mr Halifax's fire.

Then, and only then, may you return shot.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

SIR CHAUNCEY: [GROANS] You fuck!

Fuck! [SOBS]

Fuck!

Have you received satisfaction?

Do I look fucking satisfied, you insipid bore?

Jesus! [SCREAMS, GROANS]

[COUGHS] I thought you were just gonna nick me.

You nearly ripped my bloody arm off!

Well, you challenged me to a duel, sir.

You should be grateful I didn't rip your head off.

You ungrateful little cunt!

Gentlemen, you must stand your ground once more.

Sir Chauncey, it is your turn to return fire.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[MOANS]

[MOANS, GASPS]

[GUNSHOT] [REGINALD GROANS]

Allez au diable!

Allez au diable!

[GUNSHOT]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES] MR BENNETT: [IN ENGLISH] Get the doctor!

[COUGHS]

NARRATOR: Even though the shot was sheer luck,

Chauncey was consumed with guilt.

It ate away at his gut like hemlock.

[GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY] MR BENNETT: Get the doctor!

NARRATOR: In the end, Reginald Halifax perished

in the very place he had been birthed.

In the muck.

Good shot, old boy.

What time should we arrive for dinner?

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANING, WHIMPERING]

Make sure you leave enough for the... for the head there.

Sir.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS]

I'm certain you will not listen, but you must not drink...

[BREATHES HEAVILY] ...for it thins the blood, and your wound is deep.

Do you understand?

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SIR CHAUNCEY GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS, WHIMPERS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[COUGHS, GROANS] [LADY SAVAGE GASPS]

[CHUCKLING] Oh, you're alive!

[GASPS, GROANS] Gentler, darling. LADY SAVAGE: Oh! [GASPS]

My arm is shattered. Oh, I'm sorry, my love.

Er. Where's Reginald?

I flayed him on the battlefield. Took his head right off.

[SCOFFS] What?

SIR CHAUNCEY: Why do you look so surprised?

Is it he you wish returned in victory?

Er. No, no, no. I-- I-- I don't--

Let's not overdo it now. Better him than me.

I'm your husband. No, shut up! He's...

SIR CHAUNCEY: Dead? It's true.

He's currently lying headless in a ditch near the pond.

[DOROTHY GASPS]

[SIR CHAUNCEY SCOFFS]

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but what's done is done.

[GASPS] SIR CHAUNCEY: He was a good friend,

excluding the incidents where he sullied my wife.

Nonetheless, he'll be missed. [GROANS] [GASPS, BREATHES SHAKILY]

I know I've been a wretched fool these past few days, but...

you've all done a remarkable job with the place.

Now, fetch a bottle of bubbly so we can celebrate. Chop chop.

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] [GULPS]

[SINGS] ♪ One, two, three One, two, three ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ LADY SAVAGE: Darling.

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ LADY SAVAGE: Calm down.

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

LADY SAVAGE: Chauncey, darling, stop. ♪ Darby, Darby, Darby, dah! ♪

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES] ♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ [LADY SAVAGE YELPS]

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ [LADY SAVAGE YELPS]

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ [WHIMPERS]

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪ LADY SAVAGE: Stop, darling.

♪ The Duke and Duchess... ♪

LADY SAVAGE: You're scaring me. Stop.

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner ♪

♪ The Duke and Duchess Are coming for dinner! ♪

[PANTS]

[MUSIC FADES ABRUPTLY]

[CROWS CAWING]

[WATER SLOSHING] [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[YELPS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[SCREAMS, MUFFLED]

[HUFFS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

[MICE SQUEAKING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GASPS, BREATHES DEEPLY]

[CROWS CAWING]

[GROANS]

[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS]

[HISSES, GROANS, BREATHES DEEPLY]

Reginald! Reginald! Come and see!

[BELL RINGING]

Oh, shit!

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Right. Of course.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[GROANS] That's odd. [INHALES, RETCHES]

[COINS JANGLING]

[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]

[DOOR OPENING

[DOOR CLOSING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [DOOR OPENING]

[MUSIC FADES ABRUPTLY] SIR CHAUNCEY: Darling...

[PANTS] Does this look a little funny?

[RETCHES] My love, it's gangrenous.

You need to see a doctor immediately.

It's nothing, really. [PANTING] Just a little burn.

There's too much to do for the dinner this evening.

Has this all been worth it?

Digging ourselves into ruin, felling your best friend,

your gout, and your gangrenous arm?

This is the only thing I was ever really good at.

And with you, my love, I found my partner in crime.

This is my chance to finally prove that I belong.

[RETCHES] You do belong, my love.

We both know I carry the odious stench

of an outsider.

One that no perfume, however floral,

can eradicate or quell.

LADY SAVAGE: [CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS] Oh.

It's not how you were born,

it's how you live that shows the depth of your character.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GASPS] [BOTH SMOOCH]

[INHALES]

Tonight's going to be perfect. [LADY SAVAGE RETCHES]

I promise. [INHALES, SNIFFS]

Is that the arm? Mm. Mm.

SIR CHAUNCEY: I'll have it re-wrapped. Er...

SIR CHAUNCEY: Excuse me. Shit! It fucking stinks!

[RETCHES, GASPS] [DOOR CLOSING]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[FLIES BUZZING] SIR CHAUNCEY: [PANTING] Ooh!

[GRUNTS, PANTS]

[HOOVES CLOMPING] [HORSES NEIGHING]

[HORSES SNORTING]

["DON GIOVANNI OVERTURE"] BY MOZART PLAYING] [HORSE WHINES]

[GASPS] Shit!

Mr Black, how dear of you to visit!

Mr Loughton, it's been too long!

Officer, what... what seems to be the problem?

Don't play aloof with me, Savage.

Your shameful trickery is over.

We have a warrant for your arrest.

[CHUCKLING] Trickery? Arrest?

MR BLACK: I see your pox has healed well. Indeed.

MR BLACK: Hamburg, was it? Hmm?

The West Indies, perhaps? Your valet...

Ah, I see. My valet.

Course. I thought this might concern him.

Concern him?

There's been a grave misunderstanding.

You see, my valet, Mr Halifax, apparently was running

a duplicitous scheme to fleece my family

and trusted associates, such as these fine men.

Poppycock! The man's a liar and a scoundrel.

Sir, sir, now where might we find this Mr Halifax?

Reginald Stanley Halifax.

Unfortunately, he fled in the night

after I confronted him.

I'd like to file a report at once.

Oh, of course.

This is ludicrous! I don't believe a word of it.

Er. What are your plans for this evening, gentlemen?

I beg your pardon?

We're receiving the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire

for dinner, and thought you might like to attend.

We can discuss this sordid little affair

over a good bottle of wine, like gentlemen.

Really? The Duke and Duchess of Devonshire? Tonight?

It's settled then?

We'd be honored. Honored.

After poor Leslie's disappearance

and Reginald's death,

it seems you are now my longest-tenured footman.

And thus, promoted to valet. Congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

Oh. Considering your predecessor's digressions,

I thought it best to lay some ground rules.

Namely, do not fuck my wife!

'Course, sir.

SIR CHAUNCEY: You have risen quick

due to miraculous circumstance.

You and I are not dissimilar. What's your name again?

James, sir. James Darby. SIR CHAUNCEY: Right, right.

Strong name. Now...

we need to find two replacements, quick,

for this evening's dinner.

We don't have much time. DARBY: Course, sir.

SIR CHAUNCEY: Darby, do you smell that? DARBY: Smell what, sir?

Oh, never mind. [GASPS]

Look at those two fine men. Stop! Stop at once! [HORSE NEIGHING]

[SIR CHAUNCEY WHISTLES]

Yes, you two. You're not Jacobites, are you?

Do you have all your limbs? Including fingers?

Show me. Come closer. [BOTH WHIMPER]

How about your teeth? Top?

Bottom? [GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Mm, good enough. Splendid.

I don't like the look of them. SIR CHAUNCEY: Behave, Darby.

You didn't look much better when I first found you.

What about the eye-patch, sir?

Oh, I quite like it. Nice touch.

War wound from the battlefield, eh?

Syphilis, sir.

Well, looks heroic, nonetheless.

I've been looking for two fine men such as yourselves.

I'd like to offer you each a decent job

and meal for the evening.

Deal? [LAUGHS]

Excellent!

Tally-ho! Trot on.

[SHUDDERS]

This is the only warning you're gonna get,

so heed it well.

Do not take advantage of Sir Savage's charity.

He may be a kind and magnanimous man,

but I can assure you I am not.

Tonight is of great importance.

No mistakes will be tolerated.

Am I understood?

[EXHALES] Good. Now clean up.

[FOOTMAN GROANS] And scrub hard or I'll do it for you.

[SNIFFS, GRUMBLES]

[SIGHS]

LADY SAVAGE: This is it.

The reason and reflection for all our tireless work.

The Duke and Duchess shall be joining us

for dinner this evening.

So, let's be our very best.

When one looks back on one's...

tedious, and often aimless life...

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

...these are the days,

the moments, that one shall remember.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] So, chop chop.

[BREATHES SHARPLY] [DOOR OPENING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Couldn't have said it better myself.

[EXHALES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] LADY SAVAGE: Everything all right?

SIR CHAUNCEY: Oh, it's perfection.

LADY SAVAGE: [SIGHS] Good.

NARRATOR: Unknowingly, and rather ironically,

Chauncey had invited two Jacobites into his home.

They weren't especially politically minded,

but they did, however, enjoy their looting

and occasional pillaging. [DRAWER OPENING]

Down with the rump.

[CLOCK TICKING]

NARRATOR: And to make matters worse,

Mr Darby had discovered an unfortunate bout of the pox.

He knew full well the potential ramifications.

Losing his life,

infecting his charitable employers,

perhaps even the Duke and Duchess,

but feared losing his stately new post as valet.

He wasn't about to let this opportunity

slip through his fingers, or fingernails, for that matter. [SNIFFS]

[CUTLERY CLINKING]

NARRATOR: However miraculous or inevitable,

Jacobites and the pox had infiltrated Savage House

without anyone being the wiser.

Underneath its shimmering shell,

a darkness had slipped through the cracks.

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: In the words of Mrs Bennett,

"Evil was afoot."

["MUSIC ON THE DEATH OF QUEEN MARY" BY PURCELL PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

And do you swallow the swords as well?

FANNY: Papa, it's... it's coming!

It's coming! Mama, Papa, it's... it's coming!

[BREATHES HEAVILY, CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

[MICE SQUEAKING] [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

What the... [GASPS]

What the hell?

[GROANS]

Darling.

Hmm? Get the doctor.

What? [GASPS]

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] [PIGS SNORTING]

[GASPS]

I'm going to have to cut off your arm

or you're going to die.

Try to stay calm. Can't it wait till tomorrow?

I'm afraid not, sir.

But the Duke and Duchess are coming!

Sir! Please!

You're going to die!

[SCREAMS]

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

[HISSES, GROANS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Oh, arm.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS, HISSES]

[CHUCKLES]

[SNICKERS]

[INHALES, HISSES, EXHALES]

[INHALES] "I'd like to thank you all

for your generous attendance and..."

[GRUNTS] Oh.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

"I'd like to thank you all for your generous attendance

and decorous gifts."

"We are humbled and honored

to host the Duke and Duchess

on such a glorious... [GROANS, GASPS] ...evening."

[BREATHES HEAVILY, GROANS]

[MUMBLES] Such a glorious... Such a glorious...

Oh, courage, mon frère.

No ears.

"Host the Duke and Duchess on such a... glorious evening."

[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS]

[HISSES] Shit!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] DARBY: Need help, sir?

SIR CHAUNCEY: Not now, Darby. Just give me a moment.

[GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

Oh, not bad, old boy. Not bad at all.

Now for the final touch.

[GASPS SOFTLY]

C'est magnifique.

[SINISTER MUSIC BUILDS]

I know you were quite fond of Mr Halifax.

I hope you don't hold his unfortunate passing

against me,

and that we can continue working together as we were.

Put this whole sordid mess behind us.

If tonight goes as planned,

then we all stand to gain immeasurably.

But...

Well, I hope you can forgive me,

as I have forgiven you.

Yes, ma'am.

[HOOVES CLOMPING] [CLEARS THROAT, EXHALES]

FANNY: The moon passed in front of the sun

for exactly three minutes and 33 seconds,

precisely as Mr Halley had predicted.

[CLICKS TONGUE] You're a radiant creature, my love.

I don't know how or when it happened,

but you're all grown up.

But I loathe grown-ups, Mama. I know.

Now, no talk of eclipses and Mr Halley at the dinner.

And certainly no mice.

I don't know what's wrong with them.

Guinevere and Wolly are acting terribly bizarre.

They keep walking in circles

and making the strangest of sounds. [GASPS]

[MICE SQUEAK] LADY SAVAGE: Oh...

FANNY: Doesn't sound good, does it?

[SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SIR CHAUNCEY BREATHES SHAKILY]

Stand still. [GROANS] I'm trying.

Does it hurt? Unfathomably.

Do you think anyone will notice?

Er...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Compliments to the chef. ANGUS: Ma'am.

You've outdone yourself, Mr Walcot. Well done.

ANGUS: Thank you, sir.

[MUFFLED KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Must be the Duke. They're early.

No, you stay here, my love. Darby.

FANNY: Is your arm all right? [SHUSHES, GASPS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] [BREATHES HEAVILY]

No, no, no, no. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Oh, it's you.

How lovely to see you. Are they here yet?

Not yet. MRS BENNETT: Oh, splendid.

I hope you don't mind, we, erm, came a little early.

No, no. Not at all. [CHUCKLES]

Oh! MR BENNETT: Yeah. Oh, oh!

As a precautionary measure, I feel I should warn you

that there were certain complications after the duel

and, er, Chauncey's arm had to be amputated.

[GASPS] Erm. Is he all right? Er...

No, he's in perfect health, excluding the missing limb.

But I implore you not to speak of

or look at his arm, or lack thereof.

Not a word. Yeah? Hmm.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [BOTH GASP]

[EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT, GASPS]

Lady Savage, I hope we're not intruding.

Oh, no, not at all. You must be Mr Black.

What a pleasure to meet you.

As a precautionary measure, I feel I should warn you...

[MELODIC HARPSICHORD PLAYING] [GUESTS LAUGHING]

The syphilitic whore was so advanced

that she collapsed and died beneath him.

He had penile warts, and she did too!

[GUESTS LAUGHING] Well, we're here.

Should have been with us, of course,

but the best laid plans...

Yes, but you can't host a dinner with half an arm, can you?

It's grotesque. MR BENNETT: I suppose

they've made a decent fist of it.

MRS BENNETT: Mm. Had to sell

all the family heirlooms, apparently

Really? Mother's earrings.

Hmm.

Darling, however did you procure such an invitation?

Mr Savage is a very, er, dear colleague.

Oh, darling. When the time comes,

would you like me to cut up your food for you,

so as not to draw attention?

[MOUTHS] I love you.

[SIGHS]

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] [GRUNTS]

MR BENNETT: [WHISPERS] Where are they? [CLOCK TICKS]

NARRATOR: As the hours began to slip away,

an unsettling dread washed over the room.

Fanny fed her sickly mouse beneath the table... [MICE SQUEAK]

...as Chauncey's nub bled through its bandage. [GROANS]

[GROANS SOFTLY] [CHUCKLES, WHISPERS] Darling.

Darling, I think you're bleeding.

[SIR CHAUNCEY BREATHES HEAVILY]

[LADY SAVAGE CLEARS THROAT] NARRATOR: Whispers and glances of suspicion spread.

[SIR CHAUNCEY GROANS] NARRATOR: Parched throats cleared.

MRS BLACK: Darling, do you think they're coming?

I don't know.

MRS BLACK:: It's getting late. I know.

MRS BLACK:: Darling.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

FANNY: They're not coming, are they?

CHAUNCEY: They're coming. They're coming.

Perhaps they're fashionably late.

Fashionably?

I knew it.

NARRATOR: Everyone perched perilously still,

as if posing for a portrait,

when the one-eyed Jacobite's knees... [GROANS]

...began to grow flimsy.

Don't even think of it!

But, sir... But nothing.

You've been fed, bathed, and paid handsomely

to stand your ground

till the completion of our dinner,

whenever that might take place.

No one is to move! [GASPS]

Not an inch, not an errant cough...

or flared nostril.

Am I understood, hmm? Hmm?

[YELLS] What are you all bloody looking at?

How dare you!

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[SOBBING] Don't look at me. I'm hideous!

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Papa, may I be excused?

Everyone is to remain as they are!

They could be here any second!

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [BREATHES SHAKILY]

Darling, be calm.

Be calm. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] [PIG GRUNTING, SNORTING]

[EERIE MUSIC BUILDS]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

["STABAT MATER" BY SCHUBERT PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING] [CROWS CAWING]

[GUESTS SNORING]

[GUESTS SNORING] [CHOIR SINGING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [GUESTS GASP, EXCLAIM]

[MUSIC STOPS] Reginald!

Reginald, answer the door. It's them!

[GUESTS SQUEAL, CHUCKLE] [HESITATES] Darby, quickly, answer the door!

Yes, sir.

[GASPS] It's them! [EXCITED CHATTER]

It's them! [CHUCKLES, SIGHS] [GUESTS MURMUR, GASP]

SIR CHAUNCEY: I knew they'd come. [GRUMBLES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

From the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

MESSENGER: Good day.

[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[GASPS] SIR CHAUNCEY: Hmm?

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

[LADY SAVAGE BREATHES SHAKILY]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

"We hope this letter finds you well."

"It has come to our attention

that Lord Vernon and his family...

[INHALES SHAKILY]

...didn't have pox after all."

"They're doing quite well now, and in good spirits."

[GUESTS GASPING, MUTTERING]

"And thus...

the Duke and Duchess will sadly not be joining you."

[GUESTS GASPING] [BREATHES SHAKILY]

"We hope our indecision has not brought you

any inconvenience or harm,

and hope to meet you on our next tour."

"Our footmen shall arrive tomorrow

to retrieve our luggage."

"Sincerely, the House of Devonshire."

[GUESTS GRUMBLING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

NARRATOR: The Duke and Duchess would,

of course, never come.

["STABAT MATER" BY SCHUBERT PLAYING]

NARRATOR: And the Savages would fall

precipitously into ruin.

Their reckless spending and careless behavior

would leave their once-illustrious home

nothing more than a poisonous plot.

A crippling burden for young Fanny

and generations to come.

When one consumes at such a perilous pace... [GASPS]

...purchasing and devouring everything around them,

inevitably, they'll devour themselves

from limb to limb.

[FANNY SOBS]

[DOOR CLOSING]

NARRATOR: A rake's progress is one of descent

and degradation.

For the social ladder can be precarious...

if you're not careful.

[WAILS, SOBS] Unhand me!

Mr Black! [SCREAMS]

[GROANS, MUTTERS, SOBS]

MR BLACK: To Fleet!

[HORSE NEIGHING] SIR CHAUNCEY: Georgina!

I'm sorry! [HOOVES CLOMPING]

SIR CHAUNCEY: Georgina!

[HORSE NEIGHING]

[GRUNTS] Sit still!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Finally, Savage.

[CELL DOOR CREAKING, CLOSING]

[PIG GRUNTING, SNORTING]

[PIG SQUEALING]

[PIG GRUNTING, GROWLING] [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

["DON GIOVANNI OVERTURE" BY MOZART PLAYING]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]