Original subtitles

I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.

- I'm pregnant. - Did you just say pregnant?

We're getting married.

I wouldn't have ordered this if it were on the menu,

but there was no menu.

You gullible American prick.

You fucking ingrate shrew!

- I'm so sorry. - My water just broke.

My water's broken. It's too early.

What?

[crowd cheering on TV]

I knew they were going to vote him out.

Well, congratulations. You're a psychic of garbage.

Why are we watching this?

Because Mad Men's finished,

and Game of Thrones isn't back on yet,

and there's nothing else.

So let's watch that, then.

Let's watch nothing else.

Or let's have sex.

Will I have to put my mug down?

No.

My old lady bra turns you on?

Fuck, yeah. It's like being in bed

with one of my aunt's friends.

- Feels dirty and wrong. - Uhh.

Hmm.

Can I-- I just need to watch,

like, the first two minutes of this next episode

because I want to see what the hardest challenge is.

Can you move your feet? That's really uncomfortable.

No.

Then can you make your legs less heavy?

Are you going to make me do it?

Why did you move my legs like that?

I'm sorry. I have a cramp.

You didn't say that. You hurt me.

I said it was uncomfortable. I didn't know I had to give you a diagnosis.

I asked you to move them, and you didn't move them.

That was just really aggressive.

- It wasn't aggressive. - You're so aggressive.

- I'm aggressive? - "Aggressive."

"Aggressive." It was even aggressive

the way you said that, Mark Wahlberg.

I'm not aggressive.

When have I ever been aggressive to you?

Uh, just now, the way you moved my feet.

I have a fucking cramp.

[scoff] Don't loom over me.

Don't threaten me.

What? Do you know what threaten means?

Yeah, and I felt threatened.

[scoff] You felt threatened?

What are you, a blogger?

I felt threatened. Post.

Fucking Syrians are threatened.

"I felt threatened." You live on a cream puff.

Do you want to take a walk and just, like, calm down?

Okay.

- Where are you going? - Out.

Out. What are you, a teenager?

Going for a drive.

Bullshit. You're going to McDonald's.

Fine. Take your purse and get out of my house.

Uh, this is my house. I bought this house.

Fine. Well, then get off my rug

that I bought in Amsterdam where I had sex with a guy

whose last name I didn't even learn.

Oh, like I haven't done that.

With women.

[raspberry]

Where's the fucking car?

Woman: ...after 4.

He didn't actually begin communicating effectively

until he was about--

[TV off]

Yeah. Nice try, Jason Bourne.

Where's the car?

- Sharon? - Maynold Street.

You couldn't find anything closer?

No, there was lots of spots closer,

but I had 11 shopping bags, and I'm nine months pregnant,

so I fancied the fucking walk.

Well, I don't, so I'm going to sleep.

Don't touch me.

If you come anywhere near me,

I'm going to scream.

Put your finger in my asshole.

How?

- [baby chatter] - Oh!

Ow! Fuck!

Hey! Are you okay, darling?

Come here, honey.

I think I cut my f-- effing eyebrow bone!

- [barking] - Get down, Mabel!

- Get down, Mabel! - [whimpering]

[giggling]

He's trying to bite the baby's toes again.

She's not biting them.

She's licking them, and he likes it.

Just because he likes it doesn't mean we should allow it.

That's how fetishes start.

Do you want him to have to pay hookers

to lick his feet?

Let's not set him on that path.

Have a great day, honey.

- You okay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Think so.

No baby today.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm going to go.

Oh, what are we going to do about my mom?

We'll just tell her no because we've got a baby on the way.

She claims to want to help with the baby.

Well, we know that's not true.

She's going to make me take her places.

She's going to make me take her to the M&M Store

in fucking Leicester Square.

Like they don't have M&Ms in America.

Well, you tell me where you don't want to take her,

and I'll tell her it burned down.

Our house. Tell her our house burned down.

Okay.

Bring me back a surprise.

And as the fungus grows,

it takes over the ant's central nervous system,

manipulating its behavior.

It then kills the ant,

and a stalk emerges from the skull,

which explodes, spreading the fungus much further,

creating armies of, for want of a better term,

zombie ants.

And this, is a sense, is what Brayban's seeking to do

- with our takeover of Nyromax. - [phone jingles]

Can you see what I'm getting at here?

Shit. I'm sorry.

I'm just-- I'm going to take this. Just--

Did anyone else see the documentary?

- Hey. - It was disgusting.

I think the baby's coming.

Yeah, I think it's coming.

Whoo.

Rob: You can't keep doing that.

Twice. I've done it twice,

and this time I genuinely felt really lonely and bored.

Did you check in on Frankie?

His little bum still up in the air?

Way up there. I gave it a little polish.

God, his little bum is too much.

Even his penis is cute.

Ah. His little penis.

I love his little penis.

[chuckle] You don't think

it's little little, though, do you?

No. It's huge for a baby penis.

Is it? I'd hate if he had a small penis.

- Is that bad? - No.

All moms want their sons to have big penises.

You want your son's penis to inspire respect

and a tiny bit of fear.

No. I just want it to be big enough

so he doesn't have to worry. I don't want him to be a folk legend

or have to put out ads for women with big pussies.

Yeah. I don't want him to have to roam

from city to city, using rural highways

in search of women who can handle his freakish penis.

[whistling]

Oh. He asked me to itch his bum earlier.

- Yeah? - But he meant inside it,

like he parted his butt cheeks,

and he asked me to itch him in it.

- What did you say? - I said no.

But I felt bad.

It's okay to say no

when people ask you to do stuff

to their private parts

that you don't want to do.

Unless it's me.

I got to go back to work.

Aw.

If we were to get Radiohead,

it would be the first time

they've allowed one of their tracks to be used

in a pharmaceutical ad targeted at children.

- What about Coldplay? - [phone buzzes]

Well, obviously I've tried Coldplay,

but, uh, you know, people can't buy the drug

if they fall asleep during the commercial.

Why would people fall asleep listening to Coldplay?

We can try Maroon 5.

Automated voice on phone: You have one new message.

Sharon: Oh, God, where the fuck are you?

The baby's coming! Fucking hell! Where are you?

No, no, no, no. This is my lift.

- Oh! Oh! - I'm so sorry.

I thought you just wanted me to keep you company again.

They'll have to cut it out of me, Rob.

Caesarian me, please! It's not too late!

It's too late. You're crowning.

Push it back in and cut it out!

I'm sorry, nurse. Is it definitely too late?

Yes, it is.

I told you it all started

with the dinner together!

I don't like this!

Nurse, she doesn't like this.

Is it out yet? Oh, God.

Oh, no. Am I shitting myself now?

Barely.

♪ If you've seen a change ♪

♪ Yes, it's true ♪

♪ I'm a useful man ♪

♪ In these shoes ♪

Oh, fuck you, Grand Master 69!

Whenever it's Hummel figurines,

this piece of shit always outbids me.

[laughing]

Do you eBay?

Uh...Karen.

Are you going to cap it at two of these?

Cap it? No, I'm going to cut it off.

- I'm going to get snipped. - Don't do that.

What if it doesn't work out with Sharon

and you meet a younger woman and she wants kids?

That's exactly why I'm going to do it:

to remove the possibility

of that nightmare ever happening.

I'm going to be a husband and a dad once.

I'm going to do a good job, and then I'm going to die.

Give it time. What about you?

I'm going to keep going till I have a boy.

I'd be a great father to a son.

How do you guys not get pregnant?

Same way I don't get the postman pregnant.

Fran and I haven't fucked in just over two years.

Why, man? You're not-- [whistles]

Not yet, but it doesn't get quite big or hard enough

to bridge the fucking gulf that has opened up between us.

It would take at least ten very hard, very long penises.

I could walk across them like a tightrope, maybe,

and, uh, I don't know, throw a handful of jism at her.

Isn't that what Elton John does?

Where is Fran today?

We're not currently attending

any public engagements together.

Barometrically, we combine to create an atmosphere

that is somewhat shitty.

We flipped a coin for this party,

and I lost.

No offense.

Aw. It seems like only ten minutes ago

we were sharing one bedroom and a dildo

above a Chicken Cottage.

We never shared a dildo.

That's what you think.

Oh, my God.

I've gone and I've wet myself.

It's okay. I'm wearing a nappy.

Ohh.

You've got it all now.

Yeah. I've got two kids and a dog now.

It's what I always wanted, apparently.

Rob, he's looking a little tired.

You might want to give him a teeny break from Frankie.

You know, I just realized who she reminds me of:

- Rob's father. - Aw.

To give you the context,

you know the actor Gene Wilder?

My baby doesn't look like Gene Wilder.

[hums "I don't know"]

You know, I still have trouble with the name.

How do you say it? Moron?

Muireann.

M-Moray?

"Mweren."

I get it. In America we say Myron.

You know, people probably try to say it your way,

but when they got to Ellis Island

they just changed it to Myron.

So I think it's Myron.

Ohh.

How long has your mother-in-law been here?

Oh, just, uh, just three weeks.

Yeah, she was supposed to leave on Tuesday,

but she mislaid her passport.

It's fine, though, because she's been doing a lot of babysitting,

and I'm kidding. She's fucking useless.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm terrific.

Where's your mom?

She's in the toilet.

She's scared of your mom,

so she's hiding in our toilet.

[dog barking]

Why did we do this?

Because it knocks out all our visitors

- in one terrible afternoon. - Okay.

[fussing]

Do you want me to take...Muireann?

Why do you do that?

Why do you pause before you say her name?

I don't. Do I?

I mean, well, I don't know.

[barking]

I want to get rid of that dog.

I'm so glad you said that.

Why did we get her?

Because that bitch from the shelter told us they were going to have her put down

after we'd already tickled her belly,

which is basically entrapment.

[tapping]

Dad, you don't need to--

Just a-- a little toast

to the newest member of the family.

And fair play to Sharon.

She never gave up hope.

She watched each and every one of her peers

up and leave the disco to settle down.

Even her baby brother beat her to the punch.

For a long time we thought, That's it.

She's missed her chance,

but she'll always have her career

which she would explain to us was her baby.

You hear a woman say that,

and then you watch their features harden

and the rump widen,

and you think, That's it now.

She's out to pasture.

But then Rob came along--

uh, broken in his own way.

And when Sharon and Rob began their journey,

we all thought it had about as much chance of lasting

as a fart in a storm.

No, not one single person thought it would last,

least of all your mother.

- [laughter] - But they've proved us all wrong.

And here we are amongst a growing family,

and it's wonderful.

Just wonderful.

To Bridget and Rob.

Who the fuck is Bridget?

Bridget and Rob.

So you guys are in Dublin?

No, West Meath. It's a lovely--

How far is that from Dublin?

Well, about 40 miles down the moor--

River dance. Is that West Meath?

No, I don't think so.

Well, he is Irish, right?

- Right. - You know what?

I saw him dance. I wept.

In my panties.

You know, I would love

to visit you in Dublin.

Should I? I mean, I have an open-ended ticket, so--

Well, I should clear away.

Mum,

you don't need to worry about that.

Ah, well, somebody has to.

Sharon.

Is the baby okay?

There's blood in this nappy.

- Huh? - [baby crying]

Oh, that's fine. It's one of mine.

Can you keep an eye on Frankie for a minute?

I'm going to go check on Muireann.

- Okay. - [crying continues]

Because she's crying.

Okay.

Rob.

Do you think it's a bad time for me to pop to IKEA?

Rob's mum seems really nice.

Yeah, she's one of humanity's brightest lights.

I'm really glad she's here, and I hope she never leaves.

So what's going on with Dad?

Have you changed your name to Bridget and I don't know about it?

I don't know what's wrong with him.

He's had five cans of Stag, maybe.

I mean, is he losing it?

I would have put money on Mum to go first.

Fergal, maybe I don't-- I can't--

My tits are leaking.

Three people in this house wear nappies.

I'm one of them. I have to keep babies alive,

so I'm going to be able to think about other people

in about six months or so. Can you deal with it?

Yeah, yeah. I'll fix his dementia.

Thank you.

Where's Frankie?

- Where's Frankie? - What do you mean?

What do I mean? Where's your son?

The front door was open Honey, wake up.

- I asked you to watch him-- - Yeah, and I was--

- What? - I don't know.

- Where's Frankie? - What?

- Where's the baby? - Frankie.

- Sharon: Frankie! - Rob: Frankie!

Sharon: Frankie!

Somebody's had an accident.

He's there.

He's crapped himself.

Jesus Christ, you nearly gave me a heart attack.

Why, can't a grandmother spend time with her grandson?

Mia, you've been here three weeks.

You've barely registered his existence.

Oh, please. This is the first day since I got here

that you haven't slept till 11.

- What? - You treat Rob like a hired hand.

Knock it off, Mom.

I think you might be more comfortable

in a hotel.

Well, probably. At least there

I'd get clean sheets now and then.

Don't be an asshole, Mom.

Oh, she's not an asshole.

She's an hemorrhoid on an asshole.

You are a malevolent hemorrhoid of a woman.

You can take it down a few notches, too, all right?

Your parents have been here 25 times in the last three months,

and any complaints I've had--

which, by the way, Carol, have been barely any--

I've delivered to you in private.

I haven't nailed them to the church door.

Where's Muireann? Where-- Where's Muireann?

She's upstairs. But even if she wasn't,

I couldn't call out her name because I can't pronounce it.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Please, anyone, help me out here.

Can anyone pronounce my baby's name?

- Muireann. - Not you people. The other people.

- Morty. - Marian.

Myron.

[Sharon scoffs]

Well, that is--

That's--

Just keep the fucking front door shut.

Sorry.

- You okay? - No.

Will you ask everyone to leave?

No.

If they're still here in an hour, will you?

Yes. I'm sorry I freaked out.

Can you really not pronounce her name?

It's not like some African tribal language

with clicks in it. It's just Irish.

It's just easy.

I'll get it. I will get there.

Muireann is a beautiful name.

I'm sorry I called your mother a hemorrhoid.

That's okay. I mean, best case scenario,

she's so upset she leaves.

Worst case scenario, she kills herself.

then I can finally be free.

For God's sake.

- Rob Norris. - Christ. Hey, Dave.

Is this yours?

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's--

Right. Okay. Because, uh,

I found it next to that.

- Oh, Christ. - Oh, shit, man.

Your wee doggie's been hurt.

Fuck.

Excuse me.

Hey, Des,

what are you doing out here?

Oh.

Just... looking at the house.

It's a lovely house when you look at it from this angle.

Yeah. Do you want to come back inside?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go in, man. I'll find somewhere to stash it.

Thanks.

What's happened to your dog?

To everything there is a season.

Okay. 3, 2, 1. Ta-da!

Sharon: What the hell?

Where'd you get that photo?

Rob texted it to me right after she was born.

That's my aureole. You can see my veins.

What? It's perfectly natural.

I don't know if it is on a cake.

♪ Whale noses big as babies' faces ♪

Everybody.

You're looking after this big fella, then?

- Oh, I'm fine. - He's fine.

I'm going to give you a piece of advice.

After your brother was born

and your father and I had a bit of a rough patch,

we decided that we had to put our love for each other

above everything else

because we were man and wife

before we were mother and father.

Right. So you chose to love Dad more than us.

Oh, no. Just to love him first.

It's the same with me and Milandra.

Where's the dog?

[clicking tongue]

Mabel. [clicking tongue] Mabel!

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm not crying about the dog.

Why are you crying?

Everyone's still here.

Why won't they leave?

- Well-- - And in case you haven't noticed,

my dad's losing his fucking marbles.[toilet flushes]

He left the door open. The dog's dead.

It could have been Frankie.

I'm sorry I left the door open.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Please don't worry. We were going to have her put down anyway.

I'm just glad you're here.

Tried to find a bit of the cake without your nipple in it.

Harder than it sounds.

I think it may have been irresponsible for us to procreate.

Okay.

You're an alcoholic.

Your mother's a card-carrying sadist.

My dad can't remember my name.

Fergal-- Well, nothing's been diagnosed,

but, you know, there's obviously a few things wrong there.

It's not looking good.

Thank God you're so normal.

[chuckle] What did you think about what my mother was saying

about loving each other more than the kids?

I think there's something wrong with her.

Okay, good. I was worried it was just me.

I just think if you don't love the kids more than me,

then you're not fit to be a mother.

Of course I love them more than you.

I'm not a sociopath.

I haven't even bonded with my baby, and I still love her more than you.

You haven't bonded with the baby?

- No. - Do you think

you might have a little post-natal depression?

I don't know. No.

I don't know. I--

This is going to sound awful, but...

I just worry that I don't love Muireann

the way I love Frankie.

Is that why you gave her a crazy name?

I-- Just the minute she came out,

she scared me.

She looked like an alien.

Frankie was beautiful. Even the day he was born,

he was just this tiny beautiful little bean.

He weighed 4 pounds. He was almost dark red.

And he had a hairy back.

He was a monster.

I don't remember that.

You don't think she seems--

What?

Manipulative.

Like she's plotting something.

I don't get that sense, no.

You don't think you'll do anything, do you?

No.

Okay.

Well, what you're going through isn't rare,

- so-- Oh, shit. - What?

I forgot to bag up the dog.

Oh, shit. Are we going to bury him?

I think I'll just throw her away.

I mean, she's small enough.

She was a good dog.

She was the best.

[baby crying]

♪ [Woman vocalizing] ♪

[vocalizing stops]

Everything okay, Rob?

Oh, yeah. uh, great.

H-How are you?