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1
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Previously on Call Me Fitz.
2
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:22,152
This is not
what it looks like.
3
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,328
Mr. Fitzpatrick wasn't
trying to sell his
4
00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:26,548
only child for
street drugs?
5
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,724
Yup, it is what
it looks like.
6
00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:30,900
I gotta find a home for the
kid by 4 or child services
7
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:32,293
is going to
take him away.
8
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:34,077
Sweet, I used to have
to pay to get you
9
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,644
brats off my hands.
10
00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:36,775
It's not even
your fucking house.
11
00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,299
If grandma Alice
ever comes by
12
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:39,865
I'll be sure and
thank her for the
13
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,867
Social Security checks.
14
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:47,047
Grandma Alice was the
last good Fitzpatrick,
15
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:50,572
and you left her
in the basement.
16
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,793
Our mortal fucking
enemy is your brother?
17
00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:57,535
What, is that
relevant?
18
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:58,797
Cars are the past.
19
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,799
The future is Omo.
20
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,714
And I find when I'm
looking for tomorrow...
21
00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:07,763
There's your tomorrow motherfucker.
22
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:08,938
All we need is
a hotel room,
23
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:09,721
some scratch,
24
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:10,331
a kid...
25
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:12,202
And Larry.
26
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,725
My Uncle and grandfather
are using you to set up
27
00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:15,771
Pat Childs on
pedophilia charges.
28
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,294
The Polanski, fucknut.
29
00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:20,515
Using a minor to
frame a family member
30
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:25,563
for pedophilia is
a federal offence.
31
00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:34,137
Whoever said truth
is the best policy
32
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:36,705
deserves a kick
in the nuts.
33
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:38,707
You want proof?
34
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:42,841
Exhibit A: July seventh,
nineteen-fifty-three.
35
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,627
Fourth cousin, Mickey
"The Mook" Fitzpatrick,
36
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:48,760
returns from his own wedding
overcome with guilt about
37
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,937
an incident with the
randy coat check girl,
38
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:54,679
and elects to come
clean with his new bride.
39
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,768
Only to have his
new bride come clean
40
00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:59,728
with a confession
of her own.
41
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:03,906
Exhibit B: September
twenty-third,
42
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,821
nineteen-seventy-four.
43
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:08,345
Great Uncle
Harvey Fitzpatrick,
44
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,740
elects to honestly answer his
wife's question:
45
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,089
"Does my ass look fat?"
46
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,527
And spends the
rest of his days
47
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,834
pissing through a straw.
48
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,492
And then there's little
Richard Fitzpatrick.
49
00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:26,102
Yeah, that's
me fuckers.
50
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,147
Exhibit C.
51
00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:32,978
The truth I found out
that day in '82...
52
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:35,372
it'll haunt me the rest of
my miserable life.
53
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:51,997
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
54
00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:57,264
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
55
00:02:57,264 --> 00:03:03,531
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
56
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:08,188
♪ Without you
I'm half a man ♪
57
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,843
♪ With out you
58
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:19,721
♪ Without youuu
59
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:22,767
♪ Without you.
60
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:28,512
That lying
sack of shit.
61
00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:29,687
My old man
has a BROTHER?
62
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:32,386
Think of your father
not as a liar
63
00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:34,605
but as an
"information withholder."
64
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,390
Here's some information
to withhold:
65
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,000
suck my
ball sack.
66
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,393
I'm not spending
another minute
67
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,308
in that house with that
incontinent fuck.
68
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,831
What about the court
order for all
69
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,833
the Fitzpatricks to
live under one roof
70
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,182
as a responsible
family?
71
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,270
Have you been
huffing glue,
72
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,097
shitsack?
73
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,577
The baby's gone.
74
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:50,621
Yeah and it always
will be unless
75
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,754
this family can
learn to get along.
76
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:53,624
Look Richard,
77
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:54,669
Ken is still
your father,
78
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:56,453
and you still have
unresolved issues,
79
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,759
so think of
cohabiting as
80
00:03:57,759 --> 00:03:59,761
an opportunity
to grow.
81
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:00,892
Grow this, Larry.
82
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:02,285
I want those
fuckwads out
83
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,417
of my life.
84
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:04,287
Nothing can stop
me from leaving
85
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:05,723
this shit-hole.
86
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,292
Fuck! I hate rain!
87
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,685
Because it
externalizes your
88
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,687
internal emotional
storm?
89
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:13,818
No, shitbag.
90
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:15,124
Because it messes
with my hair.
91
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:16,691
Fuck!
92
00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:17,822
I got it.
93
00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:24,438
Goddamn
where is it?
94
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:27,267
Will you shut
the fuck up?
95
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,225
I can't hear
myself think.
96
00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:30,922
Mommy needs her
wake-up juice.
97
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:32,010
Sorry Mrs F.
98
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,316
I used it to
clean the drains,
99
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:34,665
but on a more
positive note,
100
00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:37,712
I'm making my
special brownies.
101
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,717
What's with all the
goddamn racket?
102
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,719
If you were good for
anything, Ken,
103
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,329
it was because you
always kept the
104
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:48,462
fridge stocked with
your hangover cure.
105
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:49,898
I'd keep it stocked
if you'd let me
106
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,334
sleep somewhere
besides that
107
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:52,596
cum-stained couch.
108
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:53,597
Ya well you should
have thought of that
109
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:55,773
before you
stained it, baby.
110
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,994
Oh my gosh.
111
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:00,169
Are you thinking what
I'm thinking?
112
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,562
If it involves two
Thai hookers and a
113
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,651
butternut squash,
then yes.
114
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,043
Well this is the
first time we've
115
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,436
all been together
as a family.
116
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,003
Richard, Ken, Elaine,
117
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,134
and the honorary Fitzpatricks,
118
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:10,440
Meghan and Josh.
119
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,702
I'm not honorary!
120
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:14,226
All of us trapped inside
on a rainy Sunday,
121
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,620
brownies in the oven,
nowhere to go.
122
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:19,536
What better time to
introduce you to...
123
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:25,020
The Board Game!
124
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,717
What kinda homo
shit is this?
125
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,023
Oh it's an
award-winning game
126
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,068
designed by famed Austrian
family psychiatrist,
127
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:31,635
Doctor Klaus Goebbels.
128
00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:32,767
Ah, great.
129
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,682
"Unlock the chains of
dishonesty with
130
00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,727
some good clean
family fun!"
131
00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:37,946
Give it up, Larry.
132
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,687
Yeah, we swore we'd
never play another
133
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:41,384
board game after
the Parcheesi incident
134
00:05:41,384 --> 00:05:42,733
of '87.
135
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,344
I got seven stitches
in my cooch.
136
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:47,390
Well I assumed you'd
react this way,
137
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:48,826
so I did some research.
138
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,828
Turns out that
"Truth" is a
139
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:54,789
highly competitive,
play to the death.
140
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,620
Drinking game?
141
00:06:02,971 --> 00:06:05,365
Now we're
talkin!
142
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,671
I'll tell you
the fuckin truth...
143
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,543
You're a lying sack of
mistakes whose
144
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,848
only achievement is
fucking up my
145
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,068
life worse
than your own.
146
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,505
Ooh, another truth
token for Elaine!
147
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:16,854
Fuck off, Larry.
148
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:17,899
Brownie, Lar?
149
00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:19,074
They're for my Home
Ec. ged credit.
150
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,641
G-E-D.
151
00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:21,337
I know how to spell,
152
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,556
I'm not an idiot.
153
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:23,687
No thank you, Joshua.
154
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,602
I dislike all
brown foods.
155
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,691
It's the
color of shame.
156
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:32,435
Memory lane.
157
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,784
What the fuck
does that mean?
158
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:35,351
Ah! Players landing
on memory lane must
159
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,005
recall an incident
from childhood
160
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:38,659
that's appropriate
to that colour.
161
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:39,486
Red.
162
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:40,704
That's positive!
163
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:42,358
I am positive
that you're
164
00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:43,490
functionally
retarded.
165
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,056
No, as in a
positive memory.
166
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:49,887
Let's say hockey,
winter of '82.
167
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,064
Since when was
fuckwad into sports?
168
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:54,152
I wasn't.
169
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,632
Yeah you kinda
were actually.
170
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:56,807
He was the
puck-boy for the
171
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:57,852
Brockville College
girl's hockey team.
172
00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,288
He use to carry
their gear and
173
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:00,376
wash their uniforms.
174
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:02,639
Ya, Richard had
enormous team spirit!
175
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:13,998
I did like the
smell of victory.
176
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,435
Until you suddenly
quit the team.
177
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,524
Yeah, I remember
this one.
178
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:21,266
They made you walk
home all by yourself.
179
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,442
Leave it, Larry.
180
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,878
Ooh,
hit a nerve?
181
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:26,533
This is so worth a
truth token.
182
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:27,621
The team folded, okay?
183
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:28,796
I thought they won the championship
184
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:29,753
that year.
185
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:30,493
Hey, it's my
fucking turn;
186
00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,495
I'm calling
the shots!
187
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,454
Well someone's
keeping secrets
188
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,672
and we all know
what that means.
189
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:38,588
Time to put
another lie chit
190
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,025
on the
Trust Bridge!
191
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,070
Oooooh
192
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:51,732
What are you afraid
of Richard?
193
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,603
I don't understand
what's going on.
194
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:54,343
Gimme a brownie!
195
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,475
Pass me a drink!
196
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,214
Drink again!
197
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:56,737
Gimme another
brownie!
198
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,739
Growth!
199
00:07:58,739 --> 00:07:59,566
Roll again!
200
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:00,915
Gimme a Scotch!
201
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:01,742
Drink again!
202
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:02,873
Chug it,
chug it!
203
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:04,440
What's wrong with
lying anyway?
204
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,180
Roll again.
205
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,050
More drinks!
206
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,051
Gimme some Burbon!
207
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:07,661
Liar!
208
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:08,313
Drink again!
209
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:08,923
Liar!
210
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:09,793
Pass me a drink!
211
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:10,533
That is cheating!
212
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,578
Drink again!
213
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:12,927
Liar!
214
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,102
We're all
fuckin liars
215
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:14,711
Shut up Ken.
216
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,192
More Scotch!
217
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,410
More Burbon!
218
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,412
Roll again!
219
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,504
Goodness gracious.
220
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,158
We just collapsed the
Trust Bridge!
221
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,553
This is the best
part of the game!
222
00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:32,033
We all have an
opportunity to flex
223
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,295
our growth muscles!
224
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:35,515
Growth!
225
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,690
Okay good!
226
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,256
While I'm happy you're
enjoying the game,
227
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:39,606
I think you will
all appreciate--
228
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,564
Appreciate!
229
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:42,565
No no,
that's not...
230
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,353
Ok, listen up.
231
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:51,313
The only way to repair
the Trust Bridge is
232
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,924
to enter the
Fear Forest.
233
00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,186
Ya you're all going to
write down
234
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:56,144
your biggest fear,
then you're gonna
235
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,624
stick it on our foreheads.
236
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:58,581
Foreheads!
237
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:13,553
Okay.
238
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,337
I think you can dig a
little deeper.
239
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:16,947
Only if tall,
plain and ugly
240
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:18,906
eats a brownie.
241
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:19,646
Me?
242
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:20,603
All three
of them.
243
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:21,430
Yeah!
244
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,045
I bet you
twenty bucks
245
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,133
he pukes it
up old man.
246
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,701
Fuck you,
no he won't.
247
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:33,877
Come on
string bean.
248
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:34,835
Twenty bucks
he pukes.
249
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:35,618
Choke it down,
choke it down.
250
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:36,488
No fuck that
a hundred.
251
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:36,924
Two hundred!
252
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:38,839
He's gonna
do it.
253
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:39,840
Oh, he's going
to do it!
254
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:40,623
Oh ya ya ya.
255
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,582
Vomit! Vomit! Vomit!
256
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:45,976
Choke it down
string bean!
257
00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:48,805
Bullshit.
258
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,198
OK, I ate them.
259
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:52,461
Now let's see what
we're really
260
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,462
afraid of.
261
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,482
Good. That's
progress.
262
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,615
But what about you,
Richard?
263
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,399
For two truth tokens,
264
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,620
why did you stop
being puck-boy?
265
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:23,579
Because,
lick my crack.
266
00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:25,407
No tokens for you, mister.
267
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:26,408
Josh.
268
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,888
I lost my virginity
to a dog.
269
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:28,628
Welcome to
the club.
270
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,542
No, literally.
271
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:31,892
It was a
Great Dane.
272
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:32,675
High school
halloween party,
273
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:33,763
summer of '91.
274
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:34,808
Hey, I was
at that party!
275
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,287
Rocky Pasquale's
place, right?
276
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,941
We're talking
about me!
277
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:38,942
I lost my virginity at
that party too,
278
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,640
to a gorgeous
black guy
279
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,641
Stop talking.
280
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,990
With a mohawk
and a fuck-ton
281
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,165
of gold chains.
282
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,601
What?
283
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:46,776
Come on.
284
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:47,908
That totally deserves
a truth token!
285
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,649
Not your turn, Meghan.
286
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,130
But what's
interesting is that
287
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,959
Elaine's card read
"REGRET."
288
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:58,701
What does that mean?
289
00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,528
Well Ken knows.
290
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,486
Don't you, baby?
291
00:11:01,486 --> 00:11:02,487
Shut your trap, Lainey.
292
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:05,229
This is what I'm
talking about.
293
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,144
Another opportunity
for growth!
294
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,929
Growth!
295
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,629
Do you smell that?
296
00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:17,024
Fire!
297
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,721
My homework.
298
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:20,723
You're gonna
get an A
299
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:21,942
Ya, I know.
300
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,728
I got it!
301
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,447
Are you giggling?
302
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,884
I don't giggle.
303
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,497
Will you just
fuck off?
304
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,934
Off.
305
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:01,024
OAF?
306
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,592
That's a
funny word.
307
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,986
What the fuck do
you have to regret?
308
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,291
Look around.
309
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:13,254
I'm stuck here playing
this moronic board
310
00:12:13,254 --> 00:12:14,298
game with my
degenerate son.
311
00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,608
My delusional daughter.
312
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,264
And you.
Look at you.
313
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:24,569
Look at you.
314
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,485
You are a loser.
315
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,576
That's what I
have to regret.
316
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,492
I could be sitting
pretty right up
317
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:38,235
the street with your
biggest competition.
318
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:40,585
Your little brother.
319
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,110
I could have been
Mrs. Pat Childs.
320
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,872
Fuck off.
321
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,436
What the fuck
happened?
322
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:05,540
Shit, did I roofie
myself again?
323
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:08,543
Fucking hell.
324
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:15,376
Oh! Oh!
325
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,645
Why can't I remember
anything?
326
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:24,776
Welcome to the blackout.
327
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,258
A rich Fitzpatrick
family tradition.
328
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:32,436
Hey,
wake up old man.
329
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,138
Where's your mother?
330
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:40,836
Hey isn't that
Elaine's scarf?
331
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,405
Blood.
332
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:46,189
Aw, fuck.
333
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:48,452
Somebody must've
killed her.
334
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,894
Murder most foul.
335
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,766
Tell me,
what do you call it
336
00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,376
when a group
wakes up in the
337
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,987
Fitzpatrick
household with
338
00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:02,292
absolutely no
recollection of
339
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,990
what happened the
night before?
340
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:04,947
Tuesday?
341
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,209
Denial!
342
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,124
The culprit poisoned
us last night,
343
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,344
and I want to know
who, and why,
344
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:10,997
and where,
and when,
345
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:14,739
and how,
and who.
346
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,132
Could it have been a
ploy to distract,
347
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,047
while one of us did
away with Elaine?
348
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,266
Who had motive?
349
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:21,529
Hey, how do we know
it wasn't you, huh?
350
00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:22,138
Oh!
351
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:22,922
Out of here.
352
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,097
I'll tell
you who--
353
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,099
Dipshit's ex-wife was
fucking his brother,
354
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:28,710
Pat Childs--
our competition.
355
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,320
How's that
for motive?
356
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,366
Any more truth bombs,
old man?
357
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,410
Just one.
358
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:36,065
You're a cocksucker.
359
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,023
There's no way I'm
going back to the
360
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,459
clink for murder.
361
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,417
Well I'm not
taking the fall.
362
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:46,336
Meghan?
363
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,731
What is that?
364
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,776
Make it go away,
daddy!
365
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:53,865
I've smelled enough
dead hookers in my
366
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,345
day to know
that's a body.
367
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:56,390
Mommy!
368
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:56,956
Do it.
369
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:57,695
What?
370
00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:58,783
Do it!
371
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,481
No no no
no no.
372
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,439
Oh Elaine.
373
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,011
Aw shit,
not again.
374
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,408
What the fuck?
375
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,500
Richard?
376
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,545
I know that look.
377
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:24,418
What are you
remembering, Richard?
378
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,377
Did Josh
kill Elaine?
379
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:28,378
I don't
fucking know.
380
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:29,336
I'll tell you what I remember.
381
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,338
Nothing,
and I won't for
382
00:16:31,338 --> 00:16:32,382
another three to four to
sixteeen hours,
383
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,775
or until the brownies
wear off.
384
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,081
Brownies?
385
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,343
What did you put in
those brownies, Josh?
386
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:38,910
Ahhh, sugar, cocoa
powder, eggs,
387
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,738
a little purple kush
for zing.
388
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,349
The usual recipe, cocknose.
389
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,699
Oh,
and bath salts.
390
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:45,917
We were out of kosher.
391
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,919
Aha! Toxic
brownies,
392
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,487
inducing collective
memory loss.
393
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,663
But what's with the
lobster shells, Josh?
394
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:53,882
Isn't it obvious?
395
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:55,492
The crustaceans rose
from the sea
396
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:58,147
to capture Elaine as
their shell queen,
397
00:16:58,147 --> 00:17:00,149
so naturally I
fought them off
398
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:00,976
to defend her honour,
399
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,238
Moron.
400
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:03,326
whilst wearing their
slain bodies to strike
401
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:05,589
fear into their cold,
dead hearts.
402
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:06,634
Or.
403
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:11,813
You were fighting
off Meghan.
404
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:13,249
You think Josh was
trying to stay away
405
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,860
from me because I
killed mom?!
406
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,384
You've been pissed at
your mother ever
407
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:18,907
since she won that
bet and fucked that
408
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,822
pea-brain
ass-juicer, Josh.
409
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:22,563
Hi Ken!
410
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,043
Why else would he be
hiding in a room
411
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,088
wearing a lobster
claw on his dick?
412
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,785
You'rethe one who's
afraid of crabs.
413
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:28,656
And not the kind you
get when you
414
00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,310
fuck guys with crabs.
415
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,094
Daddy! I did
not kill anyone.
416
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:33,400
I swear,
it wasn't me!
417
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,357
Then why the
hell were you
418
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:36,272
wearing
a dog mask?
419
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,623
'Cause I was re-living
the best day
420
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:42,017
of my life; the day I
lost my virginity
421
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:44,454
at Rocky Pasquale's
party.
422
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,804
I can still remember
that mohawk.
423
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,980
I was at that party,
ass fucks.
424
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:51,113
You dressed as a dog
and lost your
425
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:53,202
virginity to a black
guy with gold
426
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,812
chains and a mohawk, right?
427
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:55,987
Yeah, so?
428
00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:57,206
And you lost your
virginity to a dog
429
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,381
that same night.
430
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,339
D'you remember what
you dressed up as,
431
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,862
you idiot?
432
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,299
Yeah, I went
as Mister T.
433
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:08,435
Ah! So that
means that...
434
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:13,309
Meghan and I slept
with the same dog?
435
00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:17,183
I think I
found Elaine!
436
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,575
You found mommy?
437
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,273
Go!
438
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,013
We're both
dog fuckers!
439
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:24,233
Look, a freshly
dug grave.
440
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:25,713
Ahhhhhhh!
441
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:29,064
Fuck me.
442
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,502
She was a
salty bitch,
443
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,288
but she was
your mother.
444
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:38,247
We're gonna need some
fresh sod to
445
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,205
cover her up.
446
00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:41,163
I guess you could say
we're in
447
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,860
a real
pinch hey?
448
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,515
Too soon?
449
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,168
We can't just
leave a body here
450
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,648
in the yard.
451
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:48,605
Meghan,
dig her up.
452
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:49,737
What, gross.
453
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,434
Make your boyfriend
to do it.
454
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,609
Me?
455
00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:55,177
Why does it always
have to be me?
456
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,049
Oh, Elaine.
457
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,098
What the?
458
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:06,362
Oh look.
459
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,972
Look look look.
460
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:16,242
AHHHHHHHH!
461
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,244
Grandma Alice.
462
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:20,202
You should never
have eaten us!
463
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:21,595
This is your fault!
464
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:23,205
You have to make this
right, Larry!
465
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,033
How?
466
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:27,122
How burnt
brownies, how?
467
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,079
Fuck off, Larry.
468
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:35,696
Do you remember
what happened
469
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:36,827
to my mom or not?
470
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:39,178
It's not your mother
in that grave.
471
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,049
In my bath
salts-induced stupor,
472
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,311
I must have given
Grandma Alice
473
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,183
a proper burial.
474
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,271
How could you be so
cruel as to put her
475
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,620
in the compost?
476
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,230
Biodegradable, dude.
477
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,623
And you owe me a
fucking hockey stick.
478
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:50,841
Will you
clowns focus?
479
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:51,973
Where's Elaine?
480
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,192
I suppose there is a
bright side to
481
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,237
every dead,
biodegradable grandmother.
482
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,934
Elaine might
still be alive.
483
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:58,719
If only we had
another clue.
484
00:19:58,719 --> 00:19:59,937
I got nothing.
485
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,330
Except for a buncha
crab parts and this
486
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,897
flyer for an all-you-
can-eat seafood
487
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,420
buffet at the
Ship Victory.
488
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:05,639
Yummy!
489
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,902
The Ship Victory!
490
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:10,600
Think we should
check the bar.
491
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,646
We are out
of booze.
492
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,693
Where you
going?
493
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,435
Hey.
Hey!
494
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:23,222
What kinda lowlifes
would trash a bar?
495
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,266
And who drank all
the fuckin'
496
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:25,354
top shelf booze?
497
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,270
What kind of animals
would do that?
498
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:30,490
I think I've
got an idea.
499
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,189
Shell fish buffet.
500
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:37,236
This can mean
only one thing.
501
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,500
A total and complete coincidence.
502
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,068
Where the fuck are
those camel-humpers?
503
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,505
I need a drink.
504
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,121
Again with that
look, Richard.
505
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:54,340
If we could just
talk about that
506
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:57,256
blank card,
your secret fear,
507
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,389
maybe we can help
find your mother.
508
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:02,130
I already found her,
twat-sock.
509
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,001
Oh ya?
510
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:18,102
What the fuck you
waiting for?
511
00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:19,278
Oh, Elaine.
512
00:21:26,589 --> 00:21:28,330
What the fuck
kinda kinky
513
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,941
Arab shit
is this?
514
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:35,119
How dare you white
devils set foot in
515
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:36,556
this establishment.
516
00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:37,383
Put the gags
back in.
517
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:38,601
No, no no.
518
00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:40,342
Cousin cousin,
it is time to
519
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:41,778
reveal ourselves.
520
00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:42,649
Because once they
recognize their
521
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:43,737
arch nemeses,
522
00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:44,825
they're sure
to let us go.
523
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:45,521
Why not!
524
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,828
Would you
trust me!
525
00:21:47,828 --> 00:21:50,047
We are...
THE RUPTALS!
526
00:21:56,663 --> 00:21:58,142
But wait.
527
00:21:58,142 --> 00:21:59,361
They may know what
happened to Elaine!
528
00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:01,232
We can't just
give up.
529
00:22:01,232 --> 00:22:04,410
We know where the
good alcohol is!
530
00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:11,417
At last we are
liberated from
531
00:22:11,417 --> 00:22:12,548
the shackles of anonymity.
532
00:22:12,548 --> 00:22:13,462
At least in front of
these repulsive
533
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:14,420
pork eaters
534
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,377
And now we can
grow moustaches
535
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:16,030
of our own.
536
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:16,987
Don't push it.
537
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,032
Crabtinis?
538
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,033
That sounds more foul
than the
539
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:19,816
hideous cocktail you
made for that
540
00:22:19,816 --> 00:22:21,601
weathered whore.
541
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:25,126
Wait a minute,
Elaine was here?
542
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:26,257
Drinking and
carousing like a
543
00:22:26,257 --> 00:22:27,781
college kid high on
the mary jane.
544
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:28,912
Jezebel.
545
00:22:28,912 --> 00:22:30,218
What the fuck are you
talking about?
546
00:22:30,218 --> 00:22:31,262
You were here
with her,
547
00:22:31,262 --> 00:22:32,438
wasting our brown
poison on your
548
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:34,396
sinful elixir
of sour lemons.
549
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,267
That is how you
cut your hand.
550
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,094
You see?
551
00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:38,139
What did I
tell you.
552
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:39,096
Brown!
553
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:41,534
The colour
of shame... Oh.
554
00:22:41,534 --> 00:22:42,926
Craba coladas?!
555
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:44,798
And then you stole
the earring of
556
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:46,060
Gargling Billy Blythe,
557
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,279
our most
sacred mascot.
558
00:22:50,891 --> 00:22:52,022
I believe the
English name for
559
00:22:52,022 --> 00:22:55,069
such elixir is
"Bourbon Sours."
560
00:22:56,984 --> 00:22:57,637
Tell me it wasn't
a bottle of
561
00:22:57,637 --> 00:22:59,160
Evan Williams.
562
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,553
So it was called.
563
00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:01,945
And you paid
handsomely for
564
00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:03,773
Mr. William's
bottle.
565
00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,079
Well fuck me.
566
00:23:09,866 --> 00:23:12,260
Are you remembering
something, Richard?
567
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:13,870
Think, Richard, think.
568
00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:14,741
Make it stop,
make it stop,
569
00:23:14,741 --> 00:23:16,220
make it stop--
570
00:23:22,313 --> 00:23:23,793
Summer of 82.
571
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:25,882
My idiot parents
forgot to pick me up,
572
00:23:25,882 --> 00:23:27,580
so I had to
walk my ass home.
573
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,103
Once again putting
their own selfish
574
00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:30,887
needs before mine.
575
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:33,847
No kid ever needs
to see what
576
00:23:33,847 --> 00:23:35,762
I saw that day.
577
00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,068
Lainey, I want to
do it like old times.
578
00:23:41,681 --> 00:23:43,247
It's just like hockey
all over again!
579
00:23:43,247 --> 00:23:44,292
Why can't you
keep it in
580
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:46,120
your fucking
pants!
581
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,339
Aha, every child's
worst nightmare!
582
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:51,952
You saw your
parents copulating.
583
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:53,040
It's the root
cause of your own
584
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,737
crippling fear
of intimacy!
585
00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:56,478
And that, my friends,
is the true
586
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:57,827
discovery here.
587
00:23:57,827 --> 00:23:59,263
Seeing my parents
doing lovie-dovie
588
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:00,830
stuff is
fucking sick.
589
00:24:00,830 --> 00:24:02,397
Yeah but we just
peeled another
590
00:24:02,397 --> 00:24:04,268
layer off the
Richard onion.
591
00:24:04,268 --> 00:24:05,618
So bravo, Richard.
592
00:24:05,618 --> 00:24:08,447
And thank you,
Dr. Goebbels.
593
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,057
Well,
this ended well.
594
00:24:10,057 --> 00:24:12,320
Yeah, let's get the
fuck out of dodge.
595
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,277
First we need to
uncover the
596
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:14,931
whereabouts of one
597
00:24:14,931 --> 00:24:16,193
Mrs. Elaine Fitzpatrick.
598
00:24:16,193 --> 00:24:17,456
We have.
599
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,066
Evan Williams
bourbon sours.
600
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:22,156
My proposal
panty stripper.
601
00:24:22,156 --> 00:24:23,244
The one I go to
when I want
602
00:24:23,244 --> 00:24:24,419
to seal the deal.
603
00:24:24,419 --> 00:24:27,074
Wait, if you were
plowing her with
604
00:24:27,074 --> 00:24:30,599
bourbon sours,
then that means you...
605
00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:34,995
You fuckin' PROPOSED?
606
00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:36,518
Every time you guys
get married,
607
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:39,216
I'm the one who
gets fucked.
608
00:24:39,216 --> 00:24:41,175
No judgment here, Richard.
609
00:24:41,175 --> 00:24:42,829
This is a joyous occasion,
610
00:24:42,829 --> 00:24:44,047
one that calls
for a toast.
611
00:24:44,047 --> 00:24:45,353
Crabhattans!
612
00:24:46,746 --> 00:24:49,618
Don't look so
happy kid.
613
00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:51,402
I know exactly
where I took your
614
00:24:51,402 --> 00:24:52,447
Mom last night.
615
00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:55,319
Paradise.
616
00:25:11,161 --> 00:25:12,162
Lainey!
617
00:25:15,209 --> 00:25:17,603
Welcome back to the
bedroom, fucker.
618
00:25:17,603 --> 00:25:19,561
Get that wet sack of
oats you call an
619
00:25:19,561 --> 00:25:21,128
ass off up
off the ground.
620
00:25:21,128 --> 00:25:22,346
We got a wedding
to plan.
621
00:25:22,346 --> 00:25:23,522
Yeah we do.
622
00:25:26,655 --> 00:25:27,656
My shoes.
623
00:25:27,656 --> 00:25:28,701
I got em.
624
00:25:31,442 --> 00:25:32,443
You and me
forever Lainey.
625
00:25:34,228 --> 00:25:36,012
Stop talking.
626
00:25:36,012 --> 00:25:37,231
Cocksucker!
40464
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