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Previously on Call Me Fitz.
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00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,718
You got yourself a
life sentence the second
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00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,460
you whipped your dick out
of your pants Fitzpatrick.
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00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,028
There's no escaping parenthood.
5
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,899
First they sabotauged
our insurance claim.
6
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,944
Now they outbid us
on the new fleet.
7
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,685
Someone is trying
to bring us down.
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00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,339
Let me see
the little guy.
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00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,471
Free with
every purchase.
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00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,690
You have got
beautiful eyes.
11
00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:41,041
Just like your daddy.
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00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,085
We're rebranding.
13
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,869
Fitzpatrick Family Motors.
14
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,263
So now you
want the kid?
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00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:49,397
I am all he has,
I am his home.
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00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:52,008
I'll send a caseworker
for a home visit today.
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00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,923
Where are we supposed to
find a house with no money,
18
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,272
no one to vouch
for us and...
19
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:56,230
No!
20
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,361
What's my cut?
21
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,755
Two hits of crank
and some lip balm?
22
00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:00,843
I gotta get the
dealership back
23
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:01,887
on track.
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00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:04,020
And this kid,
he's our angle.
25
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,197
So we're a fucking
family, now what?
26
00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,986
Shockingly, everything
seems to be in order.
27
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,423
We'll see you next week.
28
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,383
What do you
mean next week?
29
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:21,081
Court ordered visits
for the first six months.
30
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,779
All Fitzpatricks
in the same home.
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00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:26,738
So we can keep
an eye on you.
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00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:42,406
♪ A choir hums
A Closer Walk With Thee ♪
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00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,148
Times like this,
a man can't help but think
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00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,846
the Good Book had it right.
35
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:51,285
You know, the part with the
raping and the pillaging,
36
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:55,158
where the wolf screws the lamb
and the leopard blows the lion -
37
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,943
Or however the fuck that goes.
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00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,166
Anyway, the one that
ends with the kid.
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00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:06,822
The kid that shall lead them.
40
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:10,173
I know exactly how the
old man upstairs felt.
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00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:14,438
Because this little shit-
dispenser is gonna lead me
42
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:17,267
to cold,
hard cash.
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00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:34,328
I told you this
family-friendly crap
44
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,894
was an ass move.
45
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:46,122
Fuck.
46
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:57,002
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
47
00:02:57,002 --> 00:03:02,269
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
48
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:08,231
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
49
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:13,236
♪ Without you
I'm half a man ♪
50
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:16,674
♪ With out you
51
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:24,421
♪ Without youuu
52
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:27,424
♪ Without you.
53
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,258
You think you're
having a tough day?
54
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:37,869
Some asshole painted
over my billboard
55
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,741
with a glory hole ad.
56
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,917
Yeah, we never owned
that billboard, dude.
57
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,266
Listen up,
you back-waxing wop.
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00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,963
I'm Ken goddamned
Fitzpatrick!
59
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:48,706
You think I can't
unload these shitboxes?
60
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,795
Oh yeah?
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00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,841
Nobody hangs up on--
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00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,280
This loan shark is
balls deep in my ass
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00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,674
and your little bastard's
coming up donuts.
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00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,328
It's a baby's fault
your geriatric ass
65
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,720
can't run a
fucking business?
66
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,939
No,
it's yours.
67
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,332
The dick trap who
came up with this
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00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:06,768
family angle.
69
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:09,945
Now we've got a fleet
of twat boxes to unload.
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00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,513
Ah, sorry
as you were.
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00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,342
Relax, I know what
I'm fucking doing.
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00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:17,300
Look, we ran our old
place off a cheapskates,
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00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,477
and getaway cars,
and premium scrap.
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00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,783
What the hell do
you know about
75
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,350
pushing a
family angle?
76
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:26,178
I know this--
if the moms won't
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00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,659
come to Fitzy,
Fitzy will come
78
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,705
to the moms...
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00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:31,793
Ah, man again?
80
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,406
I don't know why
you're talking to me.
81
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,929
I already told you
Richard is the one
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00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,017
who needs help.
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00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:42,064
Look, I know he can
be a good father.
84
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,239
He just...
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00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,675
he's got problems.
86
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,764
Oh, he's got
problems?
87
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:49,114
This guy thinks he
can eat styrofoam.
88
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:53,075
Here's a woman enjoys
coitus with lawn ornaments.
89
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:55,730
This next one he's a
compulsive finger-licker,
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00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,558
but not his own,
and the last guy
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00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,907
I interviewed,
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00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:01,779
took a shit in
that chair.
93
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:05,783
Well, ah,
I assure you
94
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:09,178
I am one hundred
percent sane, mister.
95
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,136
Oh, I'm sorry,
this court-ordered
96
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:13,661
psych evaluation
must be wrong.
97
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,402
It, it says here you
need to have your
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00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:18,709
mentally-unbalanced
ass assessed or you get
99
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:23,018
detained for being
a threat to a kid.
100
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:24,846
I'm not the one who
left a dead grandmother
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00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,326
in the basement!
102
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,501
We checked.
103
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:31,331
Zero dead grandmother,
one ranting lunatic.
104
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:33,855
I was angry.
105
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,813
Who then proceeded to
strip down to his underwear.
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00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:36,771
And warm.
107
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,077
Polyesters
make me damp.
108
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,427
Sit your ass
down, chief,
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00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,647
let me run through this
checklist of questions.
110
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,823
Look, don't say
anything stupid for
111
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,608
the next sixty seconds
and we'll both get
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00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,740
the hell out
of here.
113
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,089
Don't worry.
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00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,136
I am emotionally and
psychologically solvent...
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00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,746
Which isn't easy
when you're the living,
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00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,923
breathing embodiment of
another man's conscience.
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00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,014
Fuck you, Monday.
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00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,861
You smoke in front of
your kid, asshole?
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00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,297
Lucky for him my
windows were open,
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00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,474
thanks to my
half-tint Power Glides:
121
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,563
Ventilation at the
touch of a button.
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00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,738
Who the fuck
are you?
123
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:32,783
Richard Fitzpatrick,
president and CEO of
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00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:35,307
Fitzpatrick Motors,
the finest selection of
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00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,353
pre-owned family
friendly vehicles
126
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,702
this side of Detroit.
127
00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:39,921
A used car salesman.
128
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,097
Woah, woah, woah,
that is no ordinary
129
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:44,578
pre-owned vehicle,
it also comes with a
130
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,318
gift certificate
to Chuck E. Cheese.
131
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,582
Please don't tell me
that place still exists.
132
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,410
My kid had nightmares
for months.
133
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,759
Singing mice.
134
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,717
Hey it's cheap,
employs hot coeds
135
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,502
and serves bottomless
moo juice.
136
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,851
Cow milk?
137
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,287
Soleil gets only
free-range goat.
138
00:06:58,287 --> 00:06:59,767
Or almond,
which I import from
139
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:00,811
an organic farm -
140
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,683
You see, we have
so much in common.
141
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,467
I too am a new parent,
struggling to
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00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,208
raise my child.
143
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,822
I was CEO of a
Fortune 500 company,
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00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:12,910
you want to
impress me?
145
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:15,478
Show up in
a Learjet.
146
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,481
Feisty.
147
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:19,656
Fitzy like.
148
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:24,052
Another dad called
me feisty once,
149
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,749
and we all know what
happened to him.
150
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,626
You think that's
goddamn funny?
151
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:33,670
No.
152
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:36,673
Using a precious,
innocent life force
153
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,632
to sell scrap
metal deathtraps?
154
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,851
How dare you spit
on the happiest moment
155
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,332
of my life!!!
156
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,207
So you live
inside the mind
157
00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,340
of a used
car salesman.
158
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,602
Pre-owned!
159
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:55,257
It's not that difficult
to understand.
160
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,085
Richard lacks
a moral compass,
161
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,217
so I provide him
with direction.
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00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:00,305
Helpful hints.
163
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:04,309
Like hangover cures
for the soul.
164
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,094
So how does this
tie into your one man
165
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,661
naked conga-line?
166
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,533
Look, every man has
his limits, okay,
167
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,404
and mine happens to be
finding the remains of
168
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:15,625
a dead grandmother
neglected in a basement.
169
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:19,020
Oh goody, he's deflecting
back to the grandmother.
170
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,674
Let's talk about
this so called
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00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:22,589
"Grandmother."
172
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,634
Don't you air-quote
me, mister!
173
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:25,983
She was real!
174
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:28,638
You need to
quit yelling.
175
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,685
Okay.
176
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,077
Or at least she
was real.
177
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:35,776
Maybe she's a manifestation
of your own loneliness.
178
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,560
Ever think of
that one ace?
179
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,475
I mean what if,
and I'm going out
180
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:42,870
on a limb here,
nobody likes ya?
181
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,090
That's not
very nice.
182
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,354
Richard
likes me.
183
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,834
Or at least,
he used to.
184
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,794
And the wrapper comes
off the nutbar.
185
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,970
So tell me,
what's changed over at
186
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,842
Functional
Family HQ?
187
00:08:58,842 --> 00:08:59,930
Nothing.
188
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,410
Everything's fine.
189
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:06,720
What could possibly
have changed?
190
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,069
Fuck!
191
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:09,984
When did new moms
become sushi-eating,
192
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,812
home-schooling,
yoga sluts?
193
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,727
They don't make them
like they used to, baby.
194
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:14,728
What the fuck do
those entitled skanks
195
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:16,077
know about
parenting anyway?
196
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,644
I mean I do
my time.
197
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,298
I wipe this little
turd-monkey's ass.
198
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:21,604
It's not like he pulls
his weight around here.
199
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,432
Fucker doesn't even
like my jokes.
200
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,216
What's the matter,
little Fitzy?
201
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,218
Can't function without
your homo friend?
202
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,480
Fuck Larry.
203
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,526
AWOL just like this
little shit's mother.
204
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,009
Ugh, why does this
taste like ass?
205
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,750
It's cheese spread
on crackers
206
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:37,838
it's a summer classic.
207
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:38,882
What summer?
208
00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,580
1984.
209
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,059
Alright,
you want to keep
210
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,191
living here
rent free?
211
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,148
You better start
earning it.
212
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,019
Up the snacks.
213
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,150
And you.
214
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:46,803
Do you think it's
easy to pull this
215
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,413
shit-train solo?
216
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,415
Don't be such
a pussy.
217
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,634
You let a bunch of
moms throw you
218
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,027
out of the playground.
219
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,681
Just like in third grade
when that little redhead
220
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,899
stole your smokes
and left you crying
221
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:58,032
on the ground with
your thumb up your ass.
222
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,686
She weighed two
hundred pounds!
223
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,427
You never could face
up to strong women.
224
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:08,172
Two words Mom:
Fuck, followed by you.
225
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,260
Your daddy is
scared of
226
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,697
strong women.
227
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:13,134
Did you know
that baby?
228
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,744
Get out of my
room asshole!
229
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:15,832
MOM!!!
230
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,486
Goddammnit!
231
00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:20,620
You even lost your
room to a girl.
232
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,585
Well, if it isn't
Power Glide.
233
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,413
I thought you ran
home to mommy.
234
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,502
Did not.
235
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,678
I'm late
for Pilates.
236
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:39,116
You think you
can bully me?
237
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,771
Think again,
you latte-guzzling,
238
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,034
mommy-blogging
Spanx-monkey.
239
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,515
I'm not the
enemy here.
240
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,212
THEY ARE!
241
00:10:48,212 --> 00:10:49,736
I took a bite of my hangover
burrito this morning
242
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,913
while changing this asshole's
diaper and I tasted
243
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,089
actual human shit.
244
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,917
I was so bagged last
night from his wailing
245
00:10:56,917 --> 00:11:00,485
that I only whacked off once,
and I didn't even care
246
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,618
because I am
no longer human.
247
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,054
I am a twenty-four-
hour slave
248
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:08,145
to a shit-producing,
ear-busting carpet grub.
249
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:11,671
So fuck your vegan bullshit
baby food and your
250
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,585
desk-humping husband.
251
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:18,765
This parent shit is like
sticking your dick in a vice.
252
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,507
Not that I did.
253
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:23,378
But I'm willing to
give it a try
254
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,597
if that's
your thing.
255
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:28,775
Wait!
256
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,127
You're wrong
about me.
257
00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:34,694
My fucking kid's
spoiled rotten,
258
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,043
my fucking husband's
screwing his
259
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,480
dental hygienist,
and I was once a
260
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,960
captain of industry.
261
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,398
I ran Ironman's,
and I had a coot so tight
262
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:46,314
I could open a Corona
through my J-Brands.
263
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,360
Now my tits are destroyed,
my ass is like a
264
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,841
fucking waffle cone
and I haven't been laid
265
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,843
in eight months.
266
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:56,237
Do I need a third trip
to the playground today?
267
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,629
No, I do not.
268
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:01,416
What I need is a stiff drink,
and a stiffer dick.
269
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:04,724
I need some motherfucking
me time!
270
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:12,862
Yes, yes, DOUBLE-SCOOP
FOR MOMMY'S
271
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:15,169
WAFFLE CONE!!
272
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:15,909
Yeah, yeah!
273
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:17,780
Yes! Oh!
274
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:18,825
YES!
275
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,753
How's that for
knowing your customer,
276
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,929
you festering
cum-sock?
277
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:39,933
Where the fuck
are all the cars?
278
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,673
The customer fairy
came and bought
279
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,111
them all up at
twice the book rate.
280
00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:46,591
What the fuck do you
think happened, dicktard?
281
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:47,767
They were repossessed.
282
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,725
I leave you alone for
three fucking hours
283
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,640
and you get us repo'd
by a loan shark?
284
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,033
They showed up with a
transport truck full of
285
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,687
muscle while you were busy
greasing your joint.
286
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,559
Once again I got to
bail out your
287
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:58,386
senile ass.
288
00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:00,214
Give me the
fucking phone.
289
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,216
It's in
the office.
290
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,012
Fuck.
291
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:23,933
Bourbon.
292
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,021
Scotch.
293
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:25,587
Vodka.
294
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,110
Hey, Deja vu.
295
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:30,331
Is an album by Crosby,
Stills, Nash and Young,
296
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,202
as neither of us
have ever seen
297
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,813
these people before.
298
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,293
Way to drop the
anvil old man.
299
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,468
What the hell kinda
loan shark
300
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:38,513
are you dealing with?
301
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,123
Someone on this
strip is trying
302
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:41,298
to fuck our dealership.
303
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:42,517
This means war!
304
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,301
We've got forty-eight
hours to find 5-K,
305
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,476
or our trailer's
going to end up
306
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:46,913
in a chop shop.
307
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:54,572
Hello,
308
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:01,710
Ladies.
309
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:02,667
Well, well.
310
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,321
We were just
talking about you.
311
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,757
Kendra here could
use a little
312
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,629
"me time" herself.
313
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,066
I like women who
speak fluent Fitz.
314
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,938
One at a time,
or have you learned
315
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,417
how to share?
316
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,594
Three bills.
317
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,552
Excuse me?
318
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,901
This is a private conversation.
319
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:19,859
Save it.
320
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,164
You want a little
Fitzy action?
321
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,296
Cough it up.
322
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,428
Mom!
323
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:25,255
Two.
324
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:27,736
Two-fifty,
money up front.
325
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:39,095
You'll get your me
time tomorrow at 2.
326
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:42,882
And be sure and tell
all your friends.
327
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:48,670
What the fuck
was that?
328
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:49,758
Have I taught
you nothing?
329
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,674
When opportunity knocks,
you let it in,
330
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,806
you get it drunk,
and you fuck it with
331
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,331
a strap-on until
its ears bleed.
332
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,942
Yeah, well profit
is all about volume.
333
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,292
And little shit here
has only got one dick.
334
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,467
On a good day.
335
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,468
Fuck you!
336
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:05,861
That's always been
your problem.
337
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:06,775
You think small.
338
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,298
This isn't just
about sex.
339
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:10,648
Those broads are
all kinds of deprived.
340
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,215
You want to make
money to get your
341
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,216
dealership back?
342
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:16,176
Here's how it's
gonna roll...
343
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,744
OK, first we get the
word out for a
344
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,050
one-time-only event...
345
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:24,358
Now I've got the digs,
so I get fifty percent
346
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,968
of the house.
347
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:28,666
Our cover is a
babysitting service.
348
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:31,713
I'll watch the little
shits while you clowns
349
00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:33,671
get down to business.
350
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,673
And by business,
I mean pampering
351
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,458
the hell out of their
spoiled asses at
352
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:42,028
a hundred and fifty per cent
over fair market value.
353
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,334
A guilt-free paradise.
354
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:47,685
Whatever they want:
Korean foot massage,
355
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:53,735
crantinis, a couple of lines,
a quickie with numbnuts,
356
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,519
butter...
357
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,086
Brothel with a twist.
358
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,609
As long as we
keep the heat off.
359
00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:01,612
And I'm not talking
about the cops.
360
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:05,529
Oh my golly.
361
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,531
Maybe I'm jealous.
362
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,577
I used to be the
most important person
363
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:10,578
in Richard's life.
364
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,755
What's so great
about a baby?
365
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:16,105
I don't know,
ask your parents.
366
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,498
Oh wait,
you don't have any,
367
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:19,630
because you're a living,
breathing conscience.
368
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,981
That baby doesn't
even respect me.
369
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,375
It makes me feel
as if I don't count.
370
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:27,769
Can you even imagine
what that feels like?
371
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,684
Really?
372
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:32,382
Do you know what
I do every day?
373
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:35,733
Just sit here and listen
to asshole after asshole
374
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:39,476
talk about their
self-created problems.
375
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,565
Which must
be horrible.
376
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,050
How's that make
you feel Leonard?
377
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,747
Are-are you
alright Leonard?
378
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,576
Are those tones of
isolation I'm reading?
379
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,710
This sessions over.
380
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,277
No, no, no,
no it's not.
381
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,800
I think we're just
getting started.
382
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,890
Projection,
perhaps, Leonard?
383
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,892
One man manifesting
his loneliness?
384
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,025
That doesn't even
make any sense!
385
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,636
And you know nothing
about my situation.
386
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,725
Which is why it's so
great that we can build
387
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,292
this bridge together.
388
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:16,165
How about a little
therapy Leonard,
389
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:22,867
or "Larrapy,"
if you will?
390
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,434
Talk to me.
391
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:31,572
Why the fuck didn't
anybody tell me
392
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:32,877
they were going out?
393
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,228
Just a little
Sunday drive.
394
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:36,533
Sunday dri-
395
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:37,752
Last time we went on
a Sunday drive is when
396
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,666
you got that Vegas
wake-up call and we
397
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,494
had to bury
that barista.
398
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,669
Who's in there?
399
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,627
None of your
fucking business.
400
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,455
We're just having
a little party.
401
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:50,504
Crap!
402
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:54,899
Stogies, gummy worms, bleach...
403
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,423
a brothel scam!
404
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:57,206
I want in.
405
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,860
No fucking way.
406
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,601
You need my room,
don't you?
407
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,254
Fuck!
408
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,081
Ten per cent.
409
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:02,994
Twenty.
410
00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:03,734
Twelve.
411
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:04,344
Eighteen.
412
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,171
Ten.
413
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:05,954
You're going
down again.
414
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,086
You're pissing
me off.
415
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,261
Fine.
416
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:11,046
But I get to DJ.
417
00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,047
Yes!
418
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,372
You're next sweetheart
419
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:44,166
Ladies, we have a
duck with rhubarb chutney,
420
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,690
pan seared scallops with
strawberry and bacon,
421
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,171
and a little thing I like
to call Joshy's Surprise.
422
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,826
Just get us another
round of mommy juice,
423
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,088
would you
sweetheart?
424
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,611
What's in the
last one?
425
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,136
Let's just say it
rhymes with weenis.
426
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,093
Oh I know.
427
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,921
No, don't, no.
428
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,314
Nice ass.
429
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,410
Hey.
430
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,063
Dodge Caravan, right?
431
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,587
Good memory.
432
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,545
Yeah, later's baby.
433
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:23,118
Give me a double
of pick-me-up.
434
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,772
Oh, you tapped
out already?
435
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:27,601
Even Muhammad Ali
needed some down time.
436
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,299
Well, if you're
floating like a butterfly
437
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,215
not stinging like a bee,
I could stand in for ya.
438
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,216
You couldn't get it
up with a crane,
439
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,391
old man.
440
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:36,784
Listen gherkin-dick.
441
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,742
I've got a love pump
that'll make Milton Berle
442
00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,483
look like a girl.
443
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,050
You really think
any of these moms would
444
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,574
pay to see your tiny,
shriveled man-meat?
445
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:47,577
Oh yeah.
446
00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:50,841
You call this
puppy shriveled???
447
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:52,843
WHO WANTS SOME
OLD SPICE!
448
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:06,248
I bust my ass
fourteen hours a day,
449
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,337
and for what?
450
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:11,253
Forty-four grand a
year before tax,
451
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,169
free paper clips,
and a gift certificate
452
00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:16,824
to Olive Garden
come Christmas.
453
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:18,478
You give and you
give and you give,
454
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,566
and no one
ever thanks you.
455
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,697
I hear you Leonard.
456
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,656
You see this
painting, Larry?
457
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,918
Yeah.
458
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,616
I used to look at this
and see my dream ship.
459
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:29,880
Now, I realize
that painting
460
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,447
is the point
of view of a
461
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,145
man drowning
at sea.
462
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,670
It's a sea
of shit, Larry.
463
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:42,589
All I ever wanted to
do was help people.
464
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:45,156
Then we have something
in common Leonard.
465
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,289
We can help each other
to help Richard.
466
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,248
He needs a
lesson, Leonard.
467
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,293
And the good guys
need some payback.
468
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:52,512
Umm.
469
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:55,732
Oh.
470
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:04,872
Twenty, forty, sixty...
471
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,874
Just give me
all of it.
472
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:18,929
OK on your marks,
get set...
473
00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,150
GO!!!
474
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:22,977
COME ON BABIES!
COME ON BABIES!
475
00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,357
CRAWL!
476
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,227
COME ON!
477
00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,490
HEY 14 JUST PUSHED 11!
478
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,448
THAT'S ILLEGAL!
THAT'S ILLEGAL!
479
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,414
GO! GO!
480
00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,506
NAAAAAAAARK!
481
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,208
Alright Leonard,
it's time to take back
482
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:23,646
from the takers and
win one for the givers.
483
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,476
Now brace yourself
for the most
484
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,435
unhealthy home environment
485
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,480
you will
ever witness.
486
00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:40,315
Shhhhh!
487
00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,578
The babies
are resting!
488
00:22:42,578 --> 00:22:44,493
No, No, No,
this can't be!
489
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,369
Yeah.
490
00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:58,420
Ah!
491
00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:01,467
Oh!
492
00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:02,903
A ha!
493
00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,426
I can't believe I let
myself get conned
494
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,472
by this nut job.
495
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:10,606
Let's go buddy,
we've got work to do.
496
00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:28,624
Smoked allegro
with just a hint
497
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:29,582
of summer leek?
498
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:33,890
You guys
are fucked.
499
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,631
I can't believe
you were right.
500
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:36,980
Yes!
501
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:40,027
Which is why I'm going to
have to take the kid.
502
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:41,028
What?
503
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,551
What, no, no,
you're supposed to
504
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:43,465
give him a
stern warning,
505
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,032
a gentle
psychological nudge.
506
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,296
Wai- yeah, how can
you even think about
507
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,516
separating Richard
from his baby,
508
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:54,084
when you two have
so much in common?
509
00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,001
How many
months?
510
00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:58,828
What are you
talking about?
511
00:23:58,828 --> 00:23:59,699
Your kid.
512
00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:00,787
The gunk on
your collar.
513
00:24:00,787 --> 00:24:02,441
It's kid spew,
isn't it?
514
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:03,572
Yeah.
515
00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:05,879
The sunken eyes,
the pacifier in
516
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,315
your pocket.
517
00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:09,839
Telltale signs
my friend.
518
00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:11,493
Not sleeping
much are ya?
519
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,755
Irritable?
520
00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,322
Unable to cope?
521
00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:15,976
I'm a 52 year old
new father,
522
00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:17,456
what do you think?
523
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:18,935
You've been busting
your balls trying to
524
00:24:18,935 --> 00:24:20,241
raise the little
ankle-biter haven't you,
525
00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:21,851
and what do you get
out of it in return huh?
526
00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:23,549
I feel your
pain brother.
527
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:24,593
We all do.
528
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,336
You don't want to
call this one in, Len.
529
00:24:28,336 --> 00:24:29,468
What do
you say we
530
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:30,512
call a little
truce, huh?
531
00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:31,513
You scratch
my back,
532
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:32,819
I'll scratch yours.
533
00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:35,082
Everyone deserves
a little "me time."
534
00:24:35,082 --> 00:24:36,126
Um-hmm.
535
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,614
Oh for F-!
536
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,224
Why is it
always me?
537
00:24:47,224 --> 00:24:50,227
Oh, a gay dad.
538
00:24:50,227 --> 00:24:52,229
I did not see
that coming.
539
00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,450
Well, gotta pay
the bills somehow.
540
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,634
Well, I need
a drink!
541
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,596
Okay blah, blah,
blah, alright, oh, oh!
542
00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:13,512
"And after careful observations
involving random check-ins,
543
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,992
it is clear to me that
Richard Fitzpatrick is
544
00:25:15,992 --> 00:25:18,168
a loving father and
the appropriate
545
00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:21,128
legal guardian
of his child."
546
00:25:24,044 --> 00:25:25,088
Dipshit.
547
00:25:25,088 --> 00:25:27,743
Well, we raked in
almost seven large.
548
00:25:27,743 --> 00:25:29,528
Should be enough to
get our fleet back.
549
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,182
Which I tucked away
in a place so shitty
550
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,533
no man dare ever look.
551
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,710
Ah, speaking of which,
I still want my cut!
552
00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:39,668
This is progress, Richard.
553
00:25:39,668 --> 00:25:41,452
I think on some level
you raised these finances
554
00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:43,498
for your child.
555
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:45,544
So I would like
to propose a toast.
556
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:48,590
To Richard Fitzpatrick,
the greatest new dad in town!
557
00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:51,245
Hear!
Hear!
558
00:25:51,245 --> 00:25:54,553
Where is the
little shit anyway?
559
00:25:57,817 --> 00:25:58,818
Oh.
560
00:26:03,997 --> 00:26:04,998
Fuck!
561
00:26:06,434 --> 00:26:09,568
Someone stole
the fucking baby!
38162
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