Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

Hello! I'm on hold, sorry.

Hang on, I'll put it on speakerphone.

Radio City Talk.

Please keep holding.

You could be our 25th caller and win our fabulous first prize!

It's my favourite presenter, Pete Brice.

He's giving away a fabulous first prize to the 25th caller.

I know he already said that but it's in the fuckin' script.

Hello!

Hello! How do you do?

Who's this on the line?

It's me!

And you are?

On the line.

Very good! Your name!

What's your name?

Agnes Loretta Brown.

Woo!

Well, Agnes, you're our 25th caller!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, thank you, Pete!

Thank you! So what's the first prize?

Our first prize is an all expenses weekend away to London

with $500 spending money!

Woo!

Thank you very much.

Now, all you have to do to win is... Yes.

Are ya listening? Yes!

In the next 30 seconds, kiss the nearest man to ya.

What's the second prize?

Oh, dear, too late! Thanks for playing.

No, no, no...

That wasn't 30 fuckin' seconds.

Kiss for a prize? I wouldn't give him the kiss of life!

DOORBELL RINGS

I don't know who that is, but whoever it is,

if they'd been five seconds earlier, they'd have got a...

..kiss.

Oooh! Thank you very much.

Flowers...

For Cathy Brown.

I thought that was Dr Flynn.

No, he's not coming till this afternoon, I keep telling ya!

I hope he's going to write me out a prescription.

Yeah, I hope he's going to write you out a death certificate.

I knew those flowers weren't for me.

I don't get flowers.

If I smell flowers, I look around for a coffin.

Oh, flowers!

Oh, look, they're for me!

Oh, look, they're for me!

What?! Nothing.

Do you want tea, Cathy? Yes, please.

Who are they from?

Oh, an admirer.

And what exactly do they admire?

Me!

OK, sorry! What's his name?

Marc with a C.

Cark?

Sorry, is he nice?

He's different.

Macho, but very sensitive.

Like a gay truck driver.

Hiya!

Talk about gay truck drivers.

Ooh! Look at these.

Ooh!

They're lovely, Cathy! Somebody's serious.

Oh, I don't know.

Cathy, why haven't you got a permanent boyfriend by now?

Most girls your age have a man already.

When are you going to break your hip? Most women your age...

Excuse me! Oh...

Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

Hello, boys.

Hi, Winnie. Hiya, Agnes.

Tea, love? Oh, yes, please.

Well, how are you, boys?

Very good, Mrs McGoogan.

The salon is really busy.

And my undescended testicle hasn't bothered me in a while.

Well, that's a conversation stopper.

And we're looking forward to our night out tonight.

Oh, where are yous off to?

We're going to the stadium for the boxing. Woohoo!

Boxing? Yeah!

I wouldn't have thought you two were into, you know...

Oh, yeah! And why not?

Two men stripped to the waist fighting over a purse?

We love a bit of action in the ring.

Mm...

We'll see you later in Wash and Blow for a set, Mammy.

See you later. See you, Mammy! Bye.

What's an undescended testicle?

He's missing a ball.

Like Cinderella.

Whoops a daisy, Grandad.

Sugar, Dr Flynn?

Er, just the one please, Mrs Brown.

OK. Just watch it, watch it.

Are you feeling dizzy, Grandad? No.

You OK, Grandad?

He won't let me fart!

Ah, you're here. Hi, Winnie.

How are ya, Agnes? Hiya, Dr Flynn!

What's wrong?

Nothing...

Well, I read something today that really bothered me, Agnes.

You read your stars in the newspaper?

No, I'm a Libra and Libras don't believe in astrology.

What then?

Peggy Piper is getting out.

No way!

AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!

Who's Peggy Piper?

Peggy Piper, the husband killer!

She's getting out of prison! No!

What was she in prison for?

Killing her husband!

Peggy Piper! Yeah!

I remember them.

They were some couple.

Yeah, he was the skinniest man I ever saw.

I remember his funeral - there was only one pallbearer.

He was like a waiter.

Yeah, and she was a bit of a goer.

A bit of a goer?

She had a panty line around her ankles.

Hiya, Ma, hiya, Winnie.

Hello, Dermot, love.

Who got the flowers? Cathy.

Where's Buster? He's coming in behind me.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...

Beep-beep-beep!

Oh, flowers.

Who got flowers? Cathy.

Is it Cathy's birthday? No, Buster.

It doesn't have to be a woman's birthday to get flowers.

Could be just someone who fancies her.

I didn't send any flowers.

Shut up, Buster. Mrs Brown, can I have you for a sec?

What's he saying? He wants to have you for sex.

This won't take long!

A sec! A sec.

He said he wants you for a second. Oh...

Grandad is driving me bananas.

You give Grandad an awful time, but you'd miss him if he was gone.

Try me.

My mother used to make me spend every weekend with me grandparents.

So?

I hate graveyards.

There's something in Grandad's ear.

What the hell is that?

It's a suppository.

Grandad, what did you do with your hearing aid?

I'll leave that one with you, Doctor.

Dermot, did Winnie tell ya?

Peggy Piper, the poisoner's getting out of prison. Yeah!

I can't believe Peggy Piper, who poisoned her partner, Peter Piper,

by plonking poison powder into his Pernod, is getting out of prison.

Hello, Cathy!

Ugh!

Point that somewhere else, Buster!

And be careful with that tank, Buster.

It's only rented out.

Cost me a fortune to replace it.

Here, what's up?

Oh...

P...

P...

Tell her, Dermot.

Peggy Piper, who poisoned her partner, Peter Piper,

by plonking poison powder into his Pernod, is getting out of prison.

Yeah, I heard that.

I can't believe that Peggy poisoner is getting out of...

I can't do it if you make me laugh.

Where'd I hear that before?

Oh, yeah...

I can't...

I can't believe that Peggy the poison pris...

Fuck's sake!

I wouldn't be fuckin' laughing, you!

OK...

I can't believe that Peggy the Pernod poisoner

is getting out on bail.

It's not bail! She's appealing.

Well, I wouldn't say appealing.

She's attractive in a rough kind of way.

Appealing her sentence!

Oh...

She's out, pending her appeal.

Hang on...

..are you saying...

..Peggy Piper,

who poisoned her partner, Peter Piper,

by popping poison powder into his Pernod

is getting out of prison pending an appeal?

Possibly.

Everyone's looking very gloomy.

What's wrong?

You walked into the fuckin' room.

I'll tell ya now. It's, er...

Tell him, Dermot.

Tell him! Tell him!

Not so fuckin' funny now, is it?

It's terrible news, Doctor.

Shut up, you!

Tell him, Dermot.

Come on, tell him!

Peggy Piper's fucked.

It's terrible news.

Terrible.

But I thought the case was done and dusted.

What's the new evidence?

Well, they couldn't actually trace the poison.

Well, that's not unusual.

Some of them are undetectable.

It all depends on temperature, humidity, et cetera.

Well, thank you, CSI Finglas.

You're better with the dead than you are with the living.

You see dead people?

Boom! Bye-bye!

But wasn't there a witness? Someone grassed her up.

You're right, Buster.

They had a witness, but I can't remember -

who was it?

It was me!

It's made the local paper.

What has?

About Peggy Piper getting out.

Oh...

Buster, leave that tank outside!

OK!

I wonder will this mean that Winnie has to give evidence again?

I don't know, I hope not.

Tea, Buster?

Just a quickie.

Buster, it's tea or nothing. Take your pick.

No, thanks, Mrs Brown.

Happy birthday, Cathy.

Buster, it's not my birthday until July 6th.

Well, then, that's when you open it.

Happy belated birthday.

Buster, belated is what you say when you're late with a greeting.

What's early?

Feckin' stupid.

I just didn't want to forget your birthday.

When I was a kid, my dad forgot my birthday all the time.

That can happen.

It was on the same day as his.

I'll see yous.

Stupid eejit.

Gobshite.

Nice, though.

Someone robbed me tank!

What?! Your tank?!

Oh, it's only rented! Dermot's going to go mad!

What am I going to do?! Go in and use the house phone.

Call the police.

What...? OK...

He's right. Dermot will go mad.

Hiya, Agnes. Hiya, Winnie.

Hiya, Cathy, love. Tea, Mrs McGoogan?

Oh, yes, please.

Winnie, it's made the local paper about Peggy getting out.

Oh, no!

"The witness who wishes to remain anonymous...".

Oh, thank God!

"..is Winnie McGoogan of 94 James Larkin Court."

Ah, feck's sake!

Hello. I'd like to report a stolen vehicle please.

Er, a tank.

A Sherman tank, all terrain.

Do I sound like I'm joking?

Mammy, the police called round.

They said they want to talk to ya.

Oh, I'd better go home, Agnes.

It's OK, I told them you were here.

Sharon, want to grab a coffee before you head into work?

Yeah, sure. See yous later.

Yeah, see you later.

This means I'll have to give evidence again, Agnes.

Winnie, stop now.

Don't you go bolting the stable door before the horse is locked.

Describe it? It's...

It's a fuckin' tank!

Oh, Jesus, that'll be them, Agnes!

Winnie, calm down! Buster, get that please?

Hello.

Jaysus, that was quick! Thank you.

It's a big tank.

It's got like, green and brown and its got a six-foot cannon.

It... I'm looking for Mrs McGoogan.

She's in the kitchen.

Now look, Winnie, when the gard gets in here,

you just don't open your mouth.

Say nothing. Don't say anything.

Hello, there. Garda Kingston.

I can only tell you what I saw.

Now, I don't want to get anybody into trouble or anyone in prison.

But I can only say what I saw, what I saw.

That's it, Winnie, tell him nothing.

Calm down, Missus. I'm not here to question you at all.

Oh, thank God!

I just want to let you know Peggy Piper is out

and may be in the area.

Really? Yes.

That's my card.

If you feel at all worried, just call that number.

Oh, thank you, Garda.

And if I'm not there, just leave a message with me mother.

Gard, will you ask your ma did she see a tank?

I'm scared, Agnes.

I think she might kill me.

No, she won't kill you!

She'll probably maim you a bit.

I can see the both of yous.

Hello, Agnes.

Hello, Peggy.

Hello, rat!

Now, Peggy, watch your lip.

There'll be none of that!

I'm just winding you up, Agnes.

Sit down.

When you're ready, Sharon.

It's alright, Agnes.

Here, I already got yous a drink.

Have a Pernod.

I don't drink Pernod.

Winnie, you can have mine.

Well, there's always a first time, Agnes.

You like the place since Mr Foley did it up?

Look at the new wallpaper. Isn't it lovely?

Is that your Mark at the back?

Mark? No, he...

My God!

Has that fella over there got a wooden leg?

What will we drink to?

Life.

I'm on appeal.

No, I mean long life.

That fella you thought had the wooden leg.

Yeah. He reminds me of Tommy the Mooch.

Oh, God, the Mooch. I haven't seen him in years.

You went out with him, didn't you, Agnes?

Oh, God no, never! No! He was a moped!

A moped?

Yeah, you know, nice to have but you wouldn't want to be seen riding one.

Does anyone know what this is all about?

Nope, Cathy just said to be here at 7 o'clock.

Ah, great! You're all here.

Aye, but why are we all here, Cathy?

I'm sure by now you all know that Peggy Piper is out on appeal.

Nope.

You don't have to be here, Buster.

Yeah, you could leave and give that tank a good clean.

It's OK, Dermot, it is clean.

I want it spotless.

Oh, it is, Dermo, believe me.

I don't want to see anything.

You'll see nothing.

Consider this to be the Free Peggy Piper movement.

We want to make sure she has a fair trial.

Oh, yes, yeah...

Good. Now, who thinks she is guilty?

Ah, for God's sake!

Guilty or not, we should forgive.

Well, I have all the evidence here.

And I'll go through it as I'm the chairman of this meeting.

Oh, the chair recognises Dr Flynn.

We all do.

As the only one here with a medical degree, should I not be chairman?

No.

Fine.

Father Damien, I like what you were saying about forgiveness.

If somebody lost something really special, should they be forgiven?

Yes!

Ha, did you hear that, Dermo? That's interesting, isn't it?

What are you going on about, Buster? Er, nothing.

If she's innocent, then there's nothing to forgive.

Yeah, but if she's guilty

and she's really sorry that she lost something,

I don't know, like a tank or something,

you have to forgive her.

Buster, this is about murder, not some stupid tank!

Stupid tank.

Did you lose the tank?

What? No!

Not lost, Dermo, I just don't know where it is.

I have a slogan.

Free the Piper One.

What?

I'm going to kill ya!

Calm down, Dermot. Sit down.

There's an example.

Dermot said, "I'm going to kill ya",

but did that really mean he was going to kill him?

Yes.

Cathy. Yes, Dr Flynn?

I've given it some thought. Yes?

I came up with the slogan, I should be the chairman.

For God's sake, Dr Flynn, will you shut up about the chairmanship?

Dr Flynn, you leave Cathy alone.

It was all her idea.

I'm the best person for the job! I have medical experience!

You'd better find that tank or else you're going to end up

like Peter Piper.

Quiet!

Perhaps we should all hold hands and say a little prayer.

ALL: No!

Right, I'm going to form a splinter group.

The Peggy Piper Freedom Fighters.

Who's with me?

Free the Piper One! Copyright.

What are we going to do now?

I dunno what yous are going to do, but we are going to find a tank.

Come on, you!

We can't do anything with just three of us.

Four.

Three. You're useless, Father.

I forgive you.

This is a waste of time.

You're right, Cathy.

Fish and chips? Yeah.

You know, maybe we should make an offering to St Maximilian,

the patron saint of prisoners.

Get out!

I suppose we should talk about the elephant in the room.

She might have put on a few pounds, Agnes, but for God's sake!

Winnie!

Not Peggy, I'm talking about that night, you know...

Sorry.

I made a mistake.

You certainly did!

Not that night, I didn't!

Now, I'm sorry the way things worked out, Peggy, but I saw what I saw.

Did you but? Because I did not poison my husband!

So, how's life in prison?

It's not too bad.

I have a cell to meself and a television.

The food's lovely and they take us out on trips at the weekends.

Really? No!

Will you two stop?

Now can we not just sit here and have a drink with happy thoughts?

Yeah, happy thoughts!

Happy thoughts!

Peggy scared me a little bit last night.

To be honest with you, Winnie, I feel sorry for her.

Well, I feel sorry for her too, Agnes,

but I, I have to say what I see,

and I seen her do it.

What else can I do?

Lie?

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

Hello, Buster. Hello, Blister.

Aah, you must be Blister Brady.

How are ya, little man? Hello.

So, Blister, how's things going at school?

Hard, I hate it.

He's having trouble with his mathematics.

Yeah, fractions.

Don't you go worrying, son.

Five out of three people have trouble with fractions.

He's great at his English, though.

Do your poem.

Mary had a little lamb, full of fun and frolics

that tried to jump a ten-foot fence and nearly...

No, no, no, no, no...

Not the one I told you.

How are yous? Hello, Mark. Hello!

So, Buster, this is where you spend your days off -

in me ma's house.

I just came to drop these off.

What's this?

You said Grandad lost his hearing aid.

Not lost... temporarily misplaced.

Well, just put them on.

How do you plug them in? No, they don't work.

When people see him wearing them, they speak louder!

I'll see yous.

There once was a man from Nantucket...

Blister, will you come on?

Cup of tea, Mark?

Yeah, Ma.

So, what's happening about Peggy Piper, Mrs McGoogan?

Well, her appeal is next week

and I have to give evidence again

and all I can do is repeat what I said at the trial.

I suppose.

And are you sure? I saw what I saw, Mark.

Yeah, but sometimes what you think you saw isn't what you actually saw.

Don't be silly. Where did you learn that?

You taught me that.

When I was a kid and I walked into your bedroom one night.

That was a long time ago.

Yeah, well, I remember.

And you slapped me for sucking me thumb!

I'll just get Grandad a cup of tea.

Well, I saw it, Mark, and I can't say anything different.

Well, I think you're dead right, Mrs McGoogan.

You must tell the truth in court...

..or whatever you think is the truth.

Are you saying I'm not telling the truth, Betty?

No, I'm just saying...

For instance, if you walked into a church

and saw a man with his hand in the collection box,

would you assume he's putting the money in or taking it out?

Well, I don't know.

Well, what if it was Mark?

Putting it in, of course.

Of course. Mark is a good boy.

And what if it was Buster?

ALL: Taking it out!

There you go.

Maybe you just saw what you thought you saw.

Come on, Mark, shopping time.

She's good, isn't she?

You never told me about Mark walking in on you and Redser

when you were having foreplay.

We weren't having foreplay, Winnie.

No? No, I was on my CB radio.

Oh, right. Hello, rubber ducky?

One two, one two.

Hello? Hello?

Make yourselves comfortable.

And Barbara, well done, you.

You really hit the high notes tonight.

Aah, thanks, Father.

It really came from deep down, you know? From me diaphragm.

Here, feel it.

Uhhh...

Actually, you all did great tonight.

ALL: Yeah!

Sharon, run a tab for me, would ya?

How's the choir sounding, Father?

Shite.

A small brandy for me, please.

I'm trying to think,

I can't remember the first time we actually met.

I do remember we had a great laugh.

My husband's funeral.

A very sad day.

I'd have thought you'd be in that choir, Agnes.

Oh, God, no.

They rehearse Wednesday and Friday.

Two bingo nights.

That's not like a good Catholic.

I never said I was a good Catholic.

I'm a sceptical Catholic.

What do you mean?

Well, I believe he walked on water, I just presume it was the winter.

In prison, I had an epiphany.

Aah, did you put a poultice on it?

I was born again!

It was a wonderful experience.

Not for your mother, I bet.

I spent a lot of time meditating.

Better than sitting around doing nothing.

Peggy, can I ask you, why?

Why what? You know...

I didn't!

For God's sake, I'm telling ya, it must have been food poisoning.

I didn't do it!

Was he cheating on ya?

I did not kill my husband!

Peggy, I saw ya put the poison in his glass

and then you handed it to him and then it was...

Cheating on me? Huh!

He was too lazy to even do that.

Ah, you'd think that, Peggy,

but they say the wife was always the last to know.

Believe me, I'd know!

Jaysus, he wouldn't get a hug off a bear.

Agnes, what would you have done if Redser had cheated on you?

Oh, I'd break her white cane and shoot her guide dog.

This was our best year yet, Buster.

Ah, happy days!

Over the next week, I'll start working on a business plan

for next year.

Dermot, if I'm supervisor, why am I not in on making the business plans?

Let me see...

Before I spoke, what were you thinking about?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

That's why you're not making the business plan.

Thanks, Sharon.

You'd make a great wife.

Not for you.

I'd eat you in two bites.

You wouldn't be able for me.

You'd be surprised. Really?

Tell me, Buster, what does a woman say after her third orgasm?

Don't know.

Exactly.

Shut up, Buster.

Sharon, same again please?

Hey, boys, you won't believe what I saw outside.

There was a man going by, wearing a tank.

Was it a Sherman tank?

I dunno.

Watch that.

Same again?

So what do you do with yourself now, Winnie?

I help, er, Agnes on her stall sometimes.

And as a hobby, I make up jokes.

Give me an example.

What did the polar bear say to the tiger?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

I thought you made up jokes?

I do, I just don't make up punch lines.

What's happening over there?

Oh, your mother's just trying to smooth things over with Peggy.

I hope so.

Thankfully I was away that weekend, but me mammy talked enough about it.

Well, you can't blame her.

She's the one that had to tell the police

about Peggy putting the powder into Peter's Pernod.

Into Peter's pint, you mean?

No, into Peter's Pernod.

No way, Peter Piper was a pint drinker.

Nothing else.

I served him for years. Ask Mr Foley.

Wait a minute...

Mr Foley...

Yes, Mrs Brown?

On that night, do you remember what you served Peter and Peggy Piper?

I do.

A Pernod, a glass of boiling water and the next day, he was dead.

Sorry...

Hello?

Sorry, I'll switch it off. I'm sorry.

Jesus!

Winnie, tell me everything you remember about that night.

Go on, you may as well.

Well, Peggy put two glasses of Pernod down on the table.

And she fished into her handbag and then she poured the poi...

powdery stuff into his glass and handed it to him.

Winnie, now think, what did Peter do just before he drank it?

Yeah, he...

I can see it now!

He blew on it.

Because it was hot.

Peggy, hot water.

Oh, my God, that's right!

He had the sniffles and I gave him a Lemsip.

Winnie, you saw Peter Piper taking a Lemsip!

Hallelujah!

ALL: Hallelujah!

It wasn't her!

ALL: It wasn't her!

She's in the clear. ALL: She's in the clear.

She didn't poison him with Pernod, he drinks beer!

ALL: He drinks beer!

Hallelujah! ALL: Hallelujah!

# It wasn't her Wasn't her

# She's in the clear In the clear

# She didn't poison him with Pernod, he drinks beer

# He drinks beer

# Woooah...

# Woaahhh...

# It seemed so right, she could see the light

# Let's all cheer

# Peggy's in the clear

# In the clear

# Yeah!

# You heard it here Heard it here

# She's in the clear In the clear

# She put a Lemsip in his drink and he turned queer

# He turned queer

# Woooah You heard it here

# She's in the clear

# Aaaaaaaaahhhhh...

# She's in the clearrrrr! #

Goodnight!