All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S04E09.HDTV.x264-SVA[ettv]

Not in this Janet.

Next.

What are you waiting for? Do it.

It's not that easy.

He lived a whole life
and then 802 afterlives,

and a second life,
then a second afterlife,

and then a third "first" afterlife.

His psyche is like a giant
bowl of M&M Peep chili.

I gotta make sure all the
memories go in the right place

in the right order.

Maybe I just start him at the beginning,

a full factory reset.

Man. Janet, can I please have a drink

with a lot of alcohol in it?

Here, I saved this from my funeral.

It's called a Duval Ditchwater.

It's Midori, Coffee-Mate,
and ditch water.

- I'll get you a margarita.
- Yeah, that sounds better.

It's not. Seriously, try this.

- Okay, here we go...
- Oh...

Oh!

- He has your eyes.
- And your smile.

- Now he just needs a name.
- Big decision.

- How about Chidi?
- Oh, I like that.

Do you like it, Chidi?

Or would you like a different name?

- Looks like he has a tummy ache.
- Uh-oh.

Chidi.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -

_

You're not listening to me.

Everything always has to be your way.

And what is the one right way?

I mean, how many times
have I told you this?

I thought this was what you wanted.

No, it's obviously what you want.

You're just angry that
your book was rejected.

Oh, how dare you bring that up again?

You're always at the university!

How about use show some
interest in someone

who didn't die 200 years ago?

I don't know how much
longer I can keep this up.

We need to go back to Nigeria.

No, we are not going. My family is here.

And we did this for your career.

Good morning, Chidi.

Would you like some breakfast?

I have a presentation.

- _
- Here's a syllabus.

Take one and pass them on.

My lecture will take
approximately 55 minutes.

Let's begin, shall we?

In conclusion, there
is one clear answer,

and it's that the two of
you should stay married.

Questions?

That was clear

and persuasive,

- and you have made a strong case.
- Yes.

Well argued. Better than
some of my grad students.

You should get ready for
school. I'll take you.

We'll both take you.

It worked?

Perfectly.

They're happy again, Uzo.

They're even talking about
getting me a puppy.

But more importantly,
I proved once and for all

that you can always find the answer.

- The answer to what?
- To anything.

Every problem has an answer.

If you just read enough books
and think hard enough,

you can figure out the
answer to any question.

I know you're really smart,
but that sounds wrong.

Children, please take your seats.

Here's a perfect example.

Where to sit? What's the answer?

Obviously, we want to be
back by the pencil sharpener

but in the front I can see

the blackboard better.

Or by the door to get a nice breeze.

- Chidi.
- Just hang on.

Sorry.

Oh, no.

I still say Professor Lindeman

was a fool to abandon Chidi.

He has a brilliant mind.

One day he will use it to solve
the world's biggest problems.

Is this enough cheese? I
hope this is enough cheese.

There's sheep, goat, and cow's milk.

- I can run and get more.
- Oh, no.

This is plenty of cheese.

I have to ask, has Chidi
always been so thoughtful?

Ever since he was a child.

I'm sure you've heard about
his first great lecture.

Oh, no. Not that old story again.

It's so embarrassing.

Oh, go ahead.

A long time ago,

Emeka and I were going
through a rough patch,

and our little Chidi,
at eight years old,

comes in with a one-hour lecture.

All about why we should stay married,

and all these years later,

here we still are.

- It's the reason I got into philosophy.
- Mm-hmm.

The biggest questions
and the biggest answers,

you just gotta find them.

I mean, I love philosophy, too,

but I'd argue that, say,
theoretical physics

presents bigger questions
than philosophy.

Oh...

Do you really think that?

Should I switch to physics?

So obviously my parents loved you.

I'm so glad.

They're great.

We have to break up.

Uh, wait. What? Why?

I've been feeling this
way for a while now.

It's just... why are we together?

Because it... it makes sense.

I mean, you like Kant. I like Kant.

We're not a book group.

I mean, but we're not not a book group.

Okay, if there's a problem
with our relationship,

there is an answer that will solve it.

- So, let's hit the library.
- You wanna use philosophy?

How about David Hume?

"Reason is and ought only to be

a slave to the passions."

You know, emotions, desires, feelings.

- Do you have any of those?
- Of course I have feelings.

I... I have strong
feelings for... for you

and... and what we have,

and right now, I will show you...

How Kant refuted most of
Hume's central theses.

- Oh, my God.
- He...

So, what do you think?

I think it's 3,600 pages.

I have a job, Chidi. I have a family.

Until I had to read this,
I had a will to live.

This work is an insane,
tangled web of inscrutability.

In the fun,

"grad students will analyze
this for centuries" way?

No, in the Unabomber way.

Okay, well, um, I'll write
my way out of the maze.

I'll re-outline the middle chapters,

- do more research...
- No, Chidi.

You can't answer every question

every philosopher has ever asked,

so what in these pages
do you care about?

- All of it. Equally.
- Shut up.

- But...
- Shut up, shut up.

- Should I...
- Shut up, shut up.

The greatest works of modern
philosophy are emotional.

They make an argument about
how the world is and ought to be.

There is a great mind at work in here,

but where is the heart?

Where are the guts?

I understand. I do.

So I'm going to go home and
compose a short paper for you,

arguing that I should continue
working on this longer paper.

Shut up!

Wow, tough week.

Sorry, pal.

I mean, honestly, I don't
know what hurts more;

my thesis meeting or Allesandra.

She was brilliant and... and funny.

I thought that maybe she was the answer.

Some things in life
don't have an answer.

Isn't that what Allesandra was saying?

Isn't that what your advisor said, too?

Isn't that what everyone who
knows you has said to you

at every waking moment of your life?

Okay, I can figure this out.
I just need to find the answer

for how to impress Allesandra,

a separate answer for how
to impress my advisor,

or ideally, one answer for
how to impress them both.

Oh, you know what this calls for.

- Don't say it.
- A Venn diagram.

No Venn diagram.

If you won't listen to other people,

do you at least hear what you're saying?

I swear, sometimes it
is literally impossible

to be your friend.

You're incapable of
making a single decision.

Look, what's the harm in
taking a few extra minutes

to find the perfect...

_

Chidi, come on in.

Unless you'd be more
comfortable out here.

Oh, well, I feel like you want me to...

I tell you what. I'll decide for you.

- Come on in.
- Great.

Watch this.

Your fridge chooses
your breakfast for you.

Oatmeal and almond milk.

Extra filmy. You don't
even have to decide.

It just knows what you want,

and for all your other requests,

Janet?

Hi there.

Janet knows the answers

to all the questions in the universe.

Ask her anything.

I mean, which answer do I want?

I mean, something profound, obviously.

It shouldn't be trivial or salacious.

Or maybe I should start
small and maybe ramp up.

Or... I can't...

- What's the biggest fish?
- The whale shark.

Cool.

I'm sorry. I'll have
better questions later.

You don't need to apologize, Chidi.

All questions are equally
important to me.

Oh, well then you and I
are gonna get along great.

I need to go welcome
some more residents.

Are there any other questions
I can answer for you before I go?

Well, yes. Is... is there
a relationship equivalent

to the oatmeal?

Uh, is there, like, a sort of...

Soul mate? Yes.

Every person in the Good
Place has one perfect match.

In an hour, come on by the little house

that looks like a face

and get the answer to
your ultimate question.

Her name's Eleanor.

Oh, man. Remember this?

Yeah, yeah.

- It was eight minutes ago.
- Mm-hmm.

So you just proposed to
Janet, and you said yes.

- And now you're married.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I thought saying that out loud

would make it less
insane, but it did not.

Thanks, homie.

If you'd like to get us a present,

we're registered at me.

Jason, I think I need your help.

- Can I ask you something?
- Cool.

No one's ever asked
me for advice before,

and you're a high school principal.

College professor.

Who... who told you how to do this?

Like, how can you just
make a decision this big?

Chidi, here's the thing with stuff.

You can look at a problem
from every angle

and drive yourself crazy, but sometimes,

you just gotta huck a
Molotov cocktail at a drone

and see what happens.

Is what happens that the drone blows up?

Usually. I mean, where I'm from,

most things blow up eventually,

so I learned that when
something dope comes along,

you gotta lock it down.

If you're always frozen in
fear and taking too long

to think about what to do,

you'll miss your opportunity
and maybe get sucked

into the propeller of a swamp boat.

I just... I don't think I'll ever be

the kind of person who just acts.

I mean, I can't just open
a door and walk through

without knowing what's
on the other side.

Even with eternity to try,

I just don't think that can happen.

Well, I never thought I'd
ever be able to get married.

I thought I was too old.

I'm infinity,

but strange things
happen in the afterlife.

We figured it out once.

We can do it again,

because you know what, Michael?

You're basic...

This is your soul mate, Salamasina.

Meet your soul mate, Guan-yin.

Tahani. Karen.

Esmerelda, you don't bring knives

to a friendly game night.
I mean, who does that?

The prepared.

Chidi, Esmerelda.

It's your turn.

Blood. Seas of blood.

Enemies.

Uh, 1,000 years of darkness.

- Uh, nightmares.
- Blood.

Ennui. Lamenting the
unanswerable passage of time.

Fire and blood!

You fool! It was birthday parties.

Birthday parties?

These trivialities demean me.

I must away and tend to my ravens.

Well...

you never know what'll
happen at game night.

Let's continue.

I think I can find you another partner.

Tahani. Thank you so much.

That ended up being
one of the best nights

I've had since we got here.

You and Eleanor made a good pair.

She really tore through
that round of charades.

Well, I'm pretty sure she
was reading the cards

off the reflection in my glasses,

but yeah, that was amazing.

Um, can I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm.
- Tonight could have been a real disaster.

How do you have the
confidence to just swoop in

and so elegantly take charge
of a whole group of strangers?

Honestly, the confidence
comes from failure.

I've thrown my fair share
of disastrous gatherings.

Remind me to tell you someday

about Timothée Chalamet's bar mitzvah.

But you live through the
failure and you learn from it.

Yeah, I just... I can't
operate that way.

I can't make a decision
unless I'm sure I'm right.

Hey, Chidi, you're a
philosophy professor, right?

Any chance you'd wanna grab
a drink and talk about ethics?

It's a subject I've recently needed

- to learn about immediately.
- Sounds great.

- Uh, let me get my coat.
- Awesome.

By the way, I wasn't cheating before.

Or eavesdropping just now.

Whoo! When we started three months ago,

I never thought I'd get
so into philosophy

that we'd study past midnight.

Esmerelda must be wondering
where her soul mate is.

Ah, no, she's off in her aviary.

Sometimes I think her ravens
are her real soul mate.

I'm not kidding.

Actually, you should see her with them.

It's intense, and if I'm being honest,

sexually charged.

Anyways, um, this has
been fun as alway...

Uh, what was... why did you...

Who was it?

Okay.

I'll take those one at a time, I guess.

Um, it was a kiss,

I did it because I wanted to,

and as far as who it
was, it was me, weirdo.

Eleanor, I... I have a soul mate.

Yeah, and you're not into her at all.

I mean, come on.

There is no way you're
supposed to spend eternity

with a woman who sleeps in a giant nest.

Look, I... I know she and
I are in a rough patch,

but we just have to find the answer

for how to get out of
it, like my parents.

You remember that story
I told you about my parents.

Yeah, I don't think that story

is as cute as you think it is, man.

I mean, I'm sure you
were cute, you know?

Big melon head and a little neck tie.

But that moment, woof.

That's too much to put
on an eight-year-old.

I kinda wish cute little
Chidi just got to be a kid

rather than a miniature professor

trying to solve all
the world's problems.

Well, but...

living that way led me to philosophy,

and, sure, I was written
up in a medical journal

as the youngest person ever
with a stress-induced ulcer,

but I got into the Good
Place, so if you don't mind,

I'm gonna take a second
to think about what I owe

my universe-approved soul
mate and... and not just,

uh, make out with you.

Okay, man.

Kiss rescinded.

We'll just study like two platonic nerds

until Michael discovers me
or until Esmerelda turns me

into a toad with her magic amulet

because she can see that we're
obviously into each other.

Oh, sorry you got an actual human being

instead of your true soul mate,

a library cart full of damp saltines.

You are unbelievable!
I don't know what I did

to deserve you.

Believe it, baby. I'm all yours.

At least until something
better comes along.

For me.

You've pretty much topped out.

- You okay?
- No.

I have to give Michael a
new draft of my thesis

and I'm a mess.

- Will you help me?
- Woof!

You want my help with philosophy?

You must be in rough shape.

I mean, yes, of course.

I'm here for you. What do you need?

I need someone to help guide me,

morally speaking, and I
think I need it to be you.

There's a real possibility that
I'm in love with you again,

here on this plane of existence,

uh, today, now.

We found each other before,
hundreds of times.

We can do it again.

Bye, Chidi.

You're sure you want to do this?

I finally make up my mind
about one damn thing,

and you try to talk me out of it?

I'm sure.

Can I ask you a question?

Soul mates aren't real, are they?

Chidi, in all honesty, I don't know,

but I don't think so.

I knew what you expected
to find when you got here;

answers.

Also, if I recall from your file,

a magic blackboard?

One that anticipates your lesson flow.

That's the dream.

But mostly you wanted answers.

The soul mate one, in particular.

So, I used it to torture you,

which, again, sorry.

If soul mates do exist,
they're not found.

They're made.

People meet, they get a good feeling,

and then they get to work
building a relationship,

like your parents.

They didn't magically stay together

because you proved they should.

It wasn't my logic or my representation.

It was the feeling they
got watching me...

this scared little kid telling
them that he needed them.

It was also what you made them remember.

You know, they loved each other.

Sometimes people forget.

You reminded them of
what they already had.

It convinced them to go to counseling.

I never knew they went to counseling.

Yeah, kids are idiots.

If they knew half the stuff
their folks were up to,

they'd lose their minds.

Turns out life isn't a puzzle

that can just be solved one time

and... and it's done.

You wake up every day
and you solve it again.

Terribly inefficient.

Wow, what a time to learn.

Can you give me a second?

- Janet?
- Hi there.

Hi.

Uh, can I have, uh, a
pen and some paper?

I don't know if I'll see you again,

or what I'll remember if I do,

but if we do cross paths again...

Sometime, somewhere...

Can you give this back to me?

Of course.

I'm ready.

Hi there, Chidi.

Welcome back.

Is he all right? Did you break him?

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

Man, I'm doing great.

Hey, so, for the past 300 years,

have I been super annoying?

- Oh, no...
- No, no.

- I wouldn't say extremely.
- Not super.

- No, no.
- Yes.

Well, thank you, all of you,

for everything you've done for me.

You are wonderful people.

Yeah, man, that's great,
but, um, listen, we have,

like, one hour to create
an entirely new afterlife,

and, uh, also save all of humanity

and we were wondering if
you could do your Chidi thing

and, um, find us the answer?

Oh, well, Eleanor, this kind of thing

doesn't have just one answer.

There might be 800.

There could be zero.
Who knows, you know?

The journey is the destination, right?

Let's get to work. Can
you give me one second?

- Uh...
- One second.

Hey, uh, Janet, can I
have my note, please?

If you know that you wrote a note

then you know what it says.

I do, uh, but I'd still like
to see it again, please.

I think it might be some of the
best writing I've ever done.

_

_

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -