All language subtitles for The Paleface (1948) (Comedy Western) 1080p x264-Classics ENG

I don't know who you are, but thanks.
I'm goin' this way.

You're comin' with us.

Calamity Jane.

All right, boys, wait outside.

Jane, I'm Governor Johnson.

This is commissioner
of Indian Affairs, Mr. Emerson,

and his secretary,
Mr. Martin.

I'll come right to the point.

We staged that jailbreak.

We wanted it to look as
if your friends broke you out.

We have a job for you, Jane.
A job which requires absolute secrecy.

How about that point
you were comin' to?

A group of white renegades
is smuggling guns to the Indians.

We've got to find out
who they are

before we have
an Indian war on our hands.

Six months ago we sent out
two of our best agents.

Their bodies were found
horribly mutilated.

We thought
we'd send a woman--

a woman who can
take care of herself.

Like me, for instance?

Yes, Jane. Like you.
We need your help desperately.

What's the price tag on this?

Jane, you're facing
a jail sentence of ten years.

You get those men for us,

and we'll give you a pardon--
a full pardon.

Gentlemen, I'd like to go on record
as saying we can't trust this-- this--

Criminal?
I think we can.

Here's proof of my confidence.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Reach.

Thanks for the drink, Governor.

Jane, outside that window,
there's no pardon.

Unless you help us,

the West will be drenched
with the blood of white settlers.

Thousands of lives.
Women and children.

You could stand
a little practice, son.

I'll take a look at that pardon.

Keep talkin'.

You'll take the stage tonight.

At Fort Deerfield,
contact a lawyer named Jim Hunter.

There's a wagon train going west.
You'll both join it.

Hunter will pose
as your husband.

As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.

You'll get further instructions
from Hunter.

We're depending on you, Jane.

I'm depending on you.

And I wouldn't advise you
to cross me up, gents.

So she finally agreed to go.

She'll be traveling as a lady,
but she's a killer.

A dead shot.

I found that out.
We'll get her.

But get her when you're sure
she can't beat you to the draw.

Whoa.

Hey!

Mr. Hunter.

Mr. Hunter.

Take a seat over there, deary.

There'll be one ready
in a minute.

Now we'll take--
If you don't mind my telling you,

it's the one right over--
Please. No clues.

You'll spoil all the fun.
Pardon me.

"One can detect an ailing tooth by the dull
sound when it is struck lightly by a hammer."

Hmm. That seems logical.

Well, here we go, please.

Ah!

Ah, that's it.
There's the little doll right there.

Now we'll take-- Uh--

Stand by.

"After discovering
the ailing tooth,

drill away the decay."

Hmm.

Doesn't seem logical,
but I'm game.

Well, now open. Open wide.

This won't hurt us a bit.

Where'd you go?

Ah, steady now. Wide.

Where's the guy who calls
himself a painless dentist?

Hey, I've got a tooth
that's killin' me.

Sit down. You're next.

I'll sit down.

That's what I say.
You're next.

That'll be $2.00, please.
Never mind the $2.00.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

Hey.
Hurry up!

Okay.

Open wide.
Ah!

Yeah, that's
a happy little dungeon.

Mmm.
Mmm.

There's an echo in here.

Well, now--
Never mind about that.

When a tooth's no good, pull it.

Please, I'm the dentist.
I know what I'm doing.

You know, he's right.

All right.
All right. Open wide. We--

Hey.
Oh. That's all right.

We'll get right
into the important stuff here.

Real wide now.
Get something--

I thought you
were gonna pull it.

Well, I have to dig a little toehold
for the pliers.

This won't hurt us at all.
Just--

Nnnnnnnn.

Please, no singing.

Oh. Got a tonsil.
I'm sorry.

Ah!

Got hair on the inside too.

There you are. Nothing to it at all.

Now we're starting
to burn a little wood here.

Steady now.

We're getting warm.

There you are. There you are.

Now, if you'll just--

Wha--

Would you mind moving
your tongue over a little?

I didn't think you were that tough.
Let's see here.

Don't swallow it. Don't swallow it.
Don't swallow it, please.

That's funny.
I have one just like it. I--

You hungry little thing, you.

Well, so that's what
Horace Greeley meant.

I'll be with you in a minute.

You got just the kind of
mouth I'd like to work on.

Listen, weasel.

I came here to get a tooth pulled.
This one.

Oh! The one next to the gold one.
Savvy?

I know. We'll find it.
Don't worry about a thing.

We'll get to it sooner or later.

I'm a very sensitive man.
Don't hurt me.

All right, just relax.

What's that?
Oh, it's laughing gas.

That's why they
call me Painless Potter.

Is it safe?
Safest thing in the world.

Would you mind paying me now?

Come on! The one next to the gold one.
Okay.

Ah. That's good.

There you are.

Is it coming through?
Yes.

Feel anything?

Must be a leak around here.

There you are.

Is it doing it to you?

Huh?

Bye-bye.

Come on, deary.
You're next.

What do you know.
I pulled the wrong tooth.

Got the one with the nugget in it.

So you pulled the wrong tooth.

How about that?

I'm gonna give you just 15 minutes
to get out of town.

Last town they
gave me 20 minutes.

That scooped-nose quack
pulled the wrong tooth.

She can't take a bath
with her guns on. Come on.

Will somebody
come in here and scrub my back!

Put it in number four, Bessie.

Oh!

This is the ladies' side.
Come on. Get out of here.

Ooh!

You lookin' for someone?

Who did the shootin'?

Who are they?
Never saw them before.

They must be strangers.
Look out. Look out.

I wonder who did the shooting.

It's Lance.
He's still alive.

- Anybody got any whiskey?
- Dad's got some.

Yeah, here.
Lance.

Doc, get up. Get up!
I must be running out of customers.

I'm pulling my own teeth.
Oh, get up, Doc. Hurry.

There's shootin' upstairs.
Huh?

Come on and do something.
Shootin'?

I'll do something, all right.
I'm clearing outta here.

I'm going back East where men may
not be men, but they're not corpses either.

I've had enough.

Don't give your right names.

Warm up, kids.
We're movin' again.

Federal agent...

joinin'...

wagon train.

Buffalo Flats.

Giddyap.
Get me out of this.

Yah!

Wait. I've been chased by women
before, but not while I was awake.

I'll take over now.

Yeah, you drive a while.
Who wants to watch the road?

I'm gonna join that wagon train.
Come on!

Head 'em any way you like.

What am I sayin'?
That's Indian country out there.

You're not afraid
of a few Indians, are you?

It's not the Indians I'm afraid of.
It's their attitude. They're hatchet happy.

I'm headin' back home.
Washington, D.C.

I'm gonna join that wagon train.

Yeah? You can't join 'em
without a wagon.

Make up your mind.
Are you going with me?

You got yourself
a travelin' companion.

Keep traveling.

Boy, can you kiss.
Ooh-ooh.

Sorry I had to do that, son,
but this is a big job.

There's a wagon train going west.

You'll both join it.
Hunter will pose as your husband.

It's not speed that we're
interested in. It's secrecy.

As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.

You wouldn't let a girl go on
a wagon train alone, would you?

Painless, you're just the man
I've been hoping to meet.

Painless, there's something
about you that appeals to me.

Wake up, stupid.
I'm proposing to you.

I'm in love with you.

I said I'm in love with you.

And I wanna marry you.

What's going on?

Well, sure I'll marry you, dear.

Huh?

I knew the moment
your lips touched mine

that we were meant
for each other.

Oh, you did?
Uh-huh.

Let me hear you say it again.
Tell me you'll marry me.

Me?

Tell me you'll marry me.

Oh. The way you kiss,
how can I refuse?

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

The ring, please.

The wedding ring is a token
of the solemn vows you have just taken.

This ring is a symbol of your affection,
sincerity and fidelity.

Ah. At last.

And now the kiss.

Not me, you fool! Her!

Well, howdy, folks.
Welcome.

Uh, what's your handle?

Potter.

Mr. and Mrs. Painless Peter Potter.
I'm Mister.

Glad to have you with us.

Yeah, just make yourselves
to home, folks.

Oh, thank you.

I'll unhitch the horses
and then we can, uh, talk.

Well, I'll unhitch the horses.

Come on.
Let's play hide-and-seek.

Hey, Jimmy, where are you?

Here I am!

Look.

What are you tryin' to do,
blow yourself up?

You little--
Shut up!

Go on, you kids.
Get out of here.

I told you to keep
that canvas lashed down tight.

It's a good thing
he didn't see it.

Aha. Just as I thought.

That wisdom tooth has got to come out.

He don't look like
no federal agent to me.

But that's the wagon
that left town right after the killin'.

I can see you 10:30, Tuesday.

Painless.

That's my wife.
Filly to you.

From now on I probably won't
have a minute to myself.

Painless!
Yes?

Oh, what are you doing to that poor girl?
You glorious beast.

Yes, darling?

Would you loosen
my stays a little, honey?

Well, it's not
my regular work, but I--

Maybe I can
work it out better this way.

Now, you can't do it like that.

Well, it was an idea.

Say, they're rugged,
aren't they?

Made of whalebone.
Just call me Moby-Dick.

It's a funny thing.
We've been married two hours

and this is the closest
I've gotten to you.

Well, you're so strong,
silent and unapproachable.

You wanna bet?

Tell me something
about yourself.

You seem so mysterious.

All I know is that you came
from Washington, D.C.

I'm sure there are a lot of things
you haven't told me.

I'll unload
a little information at a time.

That's the way to keep
a girl interested.

Who tied these for you,
a sailor?

And another thing.

You never told me why
you left Fort Deerfield in such a hurry.

Well, I had a little trouble,
but it's all cleared up now.

There.

Hey, why worry about my past?
Let's work out our future.

That's our man, all right.

Going west in a covered wagon.
That's my kind of life.

Blazing new frontiers.
Facing danger, privation and death.

Is that my kind of life?

Now, remember, Painless, you promised
to love, honor and protect me.

Let's do it in the order named.

Get movin', folks.
We'll get a good early start.

The sooner we get past
that Indian country, the better.

Indian country.
Do we have to go that way?

Now, Painless, I'll be with you.

You're not afraid, are you?

No. I can always get
another scalp.

Let's go.

All right, folks.
Let's get goin'.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

My husband.

We'll take this trail
to the right.

Yeah, we better.
That one leads deep into Indian country.

Well, let's get goin'.
We got a long haul before night. Right.

All right, boys.

* A western ranch
is just a branch *

* Of nowhere junction to me *

* Give me the city
where living's pretty *

* And the gals wear finery *

* East is east
and west is west *

* And the wrong one
I have chose *

* Let's go where
you'll keep on wearin' *

* Those frills and flowers
and buttons and bows *

* Rings and things
and buttons and bows *

* Don't bury me
in this prairie *

* Take me
where the cement grows *

* Let's move down
to some big town *

* Where they love a gal
by the cut o' her clothes *

* And you'll stand out
in buttons and bows *

* I love you in buckskin *

* Or skirts
that you've homespun *

* But I love you
longer, stronger *

* Where your friends
don't tote a gun *

* My bones denounce
the buckboard bounce *

* And the cactus hurts my toes *

* Let's vamoose
where gals keep usin' *

* Those silks and satins
and linen that shows *

* And you're all mine
in buttons and bows *

* Give me eastern trimmin'
where women are women *

* In high silk hose
and peekaboo clothes *

* And French perfume
that rocks the room *

* And you're all mine *

* Bows *

* Buttons and bows *

* Buttons and bows *

* Buttons and bows *

Shh! Can't you see
she's sleeping?

Come on. Come on.
You're laggin' way behind.

Come on.

First chance I get I'm tradin'
you in for a pair of turtles.

Giddyap, Stanislaus.
Come on, Clifton.

All you had to do was follow
the wagon in front of you.

I think we're going
in the wrong direction.

Well, maybe this is a shortcut.
Maybe we're way ahead of them.

Oh, shut up.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, we can stay
in this blockhouse for the night.

We'll get our bearings
in the morning.

Night? Morning?

Yes, ma'am.

We're beddin' down here
for the night. Take 'em back to the corral.

Hurry. Quickly.
Bring your own blankets. Come on.

Come on, Gramps.
We'll help you.

Look what I found, Ma.

Oh, Jimmy!
Keep your hands off of things!

Hurry up. Get in.

Is it all right in there?
It's pretty good.

You kids make up
your own beds now.

Come on.

All right, it's the best
we can do now.

Gee, it's dark in here.
I'm scared.

Put that down, Johnny.

Must be the maid's day off.
Hmm.

Looks like a likely spot, Joe.

Hey, kraut face.
Ladies first. Then me.

Well, this looks like it.

Alley-oop.

Just think.
Someday there'll be a sign on that door:

"Painless Potter slept here."

Well, don't put it up yet.

No, I've got my hands full now.

Tomorrow night you carry me.

Isn't the moonlight romantic?

Yeah.

Light the candle.
Yeah.

Candlelight's romantic too.

We don't want any dust
to blow in.

Painless.

Yes?

Would you get me a drink
of cold water, please?

Water? Cold?

Cold water.
Well, that adds up.

All right. If I'm not back in three minutes,
you'll know I fell in the well.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

It's your husband, darling.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm back, honey.

Got your cold water.

My, you're blushing right down
to your little tootsies, aren't you?

Here you are, cuddles.

There you are.
I'm sorry.

My, but you're an odd girl.

Gee, I'm glad I picked a wife
with a sense of humor.

Uh, is everything all right?

My, but you're a muscular
little thing, aren't you?

Those dresses
are awfully deceiving.

Smooth. Smooth.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to tickle you.

Isn't that sweet?
You put your hair up in braids.

Oh, that's nice.
Come on out, Mrs. Potter.

I know. You're modest.
But it's all right.

I'll keep my eyes closed.

Come on, doll.

Oh!

Oh! Now come close
to me, wifey.

Come close to me.

Boy, can you kiss.

Wake up.

Oh, good morning, honey.
You got up early.

Start movin'. We gotta get out of here.
Yeah?

Say, I don't know what happened
last night, darling,

but thanks for a lovely evening.

Well, you're sure easy
to please.

Boy, I can't get
over your kisses.

Whoo-woo.

I think I married a mental case.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh. Must be a Virginia creeper.

Hmm.

Gotta make myself pretty.
I owe it to the little woman.

Huh. I'm shaving too close.

Boy, I'm certainly
a nervous wreck.

It's an arrow.

Someone had to shoot it.
Who shoots arrows?

Cupid? No, it couldn't be Cupid.

William Tell?

No, that's silly.
It couldn't be William Tell. No apple.

Huh. Indians.

Yeah. Ind-- Could be.

Indians! Indians!

Oh! Wait.

Indians!
Wait! Wait!

Fellas, let me in!
Open up! Open up!

Look! It's me!

Oh! They wanna make a
pincushion out of me! Open up!

Pick up those guns and
take care of yourself.

Let me in!

You're too young to be a widow!
Take care of myself?

Look! There's a million Indians
out here against one coward!

I hope they're loaded.
I wish I was too.

I got him! I think.

It's a cinch.

There's a pile for you. Oh!

We was wrong about that dentist.

He's doin'
some mighty fancy shootin'.

Bad bullet.

Let's keep it neat.
Not--

They started it.

How come you got lost?
What happened?

I'll tell you what happened!
He saved the whole wagon train!

Yeah, he done it by himself.
I never saw such shootin'.

Best shot in the West.

He knowed the Injuns
was on your trail,

and he decoyed 'em away
from the rest of the wagons.

I did? Oh, he's right.
That's what I did. I did that.

You're a hero, son.
Yeah?

You can have my rifle.
Oh, thanks, Dad.

I'll knock off a couple
of Indians for you.

Land sakes!

He's got eyes
in the back of his head.

Why, darling,

you never said anything
about being a dead shot.

I told you I'd give you
a little information at a time.

Hey, son, on behalf
of the wagon train,

thank you for what you've done.

You saved an awful lot of lives.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to say a few words.

Let's get out of here
before them Redskins come back.

Those are the words. Well--

You lead the way, Doctor.
Okay.

Nothin' to be scared of now.

You've got the courage
of a lion, Doctor.

Brave men run in my family.

Bye!

Hurry up, folks.
We're off to Buffalo Flats!

Off to Buffalo Flats!
Yahoo!

Off to Buffalo Flats!
Yahoo!

Off to Buffalo--

Our hero.

* Get a man,
get a man, get a man *

* Get a man,
get a man, get a man *

* Get a man,
get a man, get a man *

- Oh, Mr. Preston.
- Come in, come in.

You come at a most
inopportune time.

Boss, we've got some
pretty important news.

Oh, I'm sure you have.

Somehow I can always sense when one
of my associates bungles a job.

What have you
messed up this time?

There's a new federal agent
coming in on the wagon train.

Why did you let him through?

Stranger, I like you.

And I like you, Red.

Pepper!
There's Joe!

The next guy that messes around
my gal gets the same thing.

Wagon train's here!

Eddie.

Drag the gentleman out.

What's all the excitement
out in front?

They're giving a welcome
to that guy we told you about.

All right, folks,

the biggest hero that
this west has ever seen!

- Yes, sir!
- Hooray!

Hooray!

Please, please. It was nothing.
Anyone could have done it.

Anyone who was strong,
courageous and a dead shot.

Is that our fearless
federal agent?

Don't let his looks fool you.
He's a cold-blooded murderer.

Calls himself a dentist. Painless Potter.
But that's just a front.

It ain't gonna be easy
to put him away.

He's got eyes in the back of his head.
But we can put him away.

Pepper, do you think you could
learn to love a dentist?

A short romance?
I don't think it'd be too difficult.

Hey, I'd like
to be in his shoes.

I wonder
what the cowards are doin'.

You and your high heels.
May I please shake your hand?

My little boy wants to touch you!
Oh, no, no.

Now, easy, girls.
Easy. I'm tired.

I've been fighting Indians all day.
Oh!

But I may give you a moment later.
Don't give up.

You're so wonderful.
Oh, he's so handsome.

And keep cheering.

What happened to the band?

We're proud to have you as our guest, sir.
Very happy to be here.

Mr. and Mrs. Painless
Potter, with baggage.

Mr. and Mrs.--

Would you like a boy?

Ooh.

Oh, yes, yes.

Boy.
Yes, sir.

Boy? Will you
unhitch my horses,

feed 'em some hay and have
some for yourself, huh?

Thanks. I never touch the stuff.
All right.

Here you are, sir.
We're all set, honey.

Room with running water.
They got a guy who'll run for it.

Painless, wait.
You don't wanna leave all this.

Well, that's all right.

I can wave to 'em
from the window upstairs.

You're just too modest
to understand.

You're a legend now,
a hero, a man apart.

Yeah, and we've been apart too long.
Come on, honey.

Look outside.

Once that was a forest.

Then it became a trail,
then a town.

And some day it'll be a city.

Yeah, that's what I like-- progress.
And I'm not makin' any.

Some day it'll be a city

with a statue of a great man.

And do you know
whose statue it'll be?

Yeah, the guy who invented keys.
Let's use it. Come on.

No, no.

It'll be a statue
of Painless Potter.

Huh?

And under that statue
it'll read,

"Painless Potter,

successor to Wild Bill Hickok
and Buffalo Bill Cody,

the intrepid hero
who saved an entire wagon train

by killing 11 Indians."

Twelve.

So you see, dear,
that's why it wouldn't be fair

for me to take you away
from these people

and not give them a chance
to express their gratitude.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, wait a minute.
What's this all about?

Well, I might as well
come clean, Painless.

Our marriage won't work.

You're a hero now,
and I'm just a little nobody.

You belong to the people.

This is the end of the road.

We're through.
Through?

Mm-hmm.

What's going on?
You and I just got together--

You might just as well face it, Painless.
It's over, that's all.

Oh. Oh, this is great.

This--
I give up my career.

I bring you out here on
a wagon train and save your life

by killing 13 Indians,

and now you're gonna
give me the kiss-off.

Oh!

Well, you're not the only dame.

There are a lot of other fish in the sea,
and I'm going out and cast some bait.

Good-bye, Painless.

That's all right,
if that's the way you feel.

But I promise you one thing.

You'll come crawling back to me
on your hands and knees,

and do you think I'll be there?

Good-bye.

I'll show her.

A fine hero. Through.

Hi.
Hi.

Hiya.
Hi.

Uh, how'd you like a little
conversation with a hero?

Why, I'd be tickled to death.

Follow me.

You Hank Billings?

That's what the sign says.

Just came in on the wagon train.

Before I left Fort Deerfield,
I saw a friend of yours, name of Hunter.

Jim Hunter.

Seems a shame a man like Hunter getting
killed just so you can play cagey.

Hot trip from Fort Deerfield.

Come up and cool off.

Where'd I put my tobacco?

Now I know
why they sent a woman.

Yep. You know what
you're gettin' into?

You've landed smack-dab
right in the middle

of the lowest-down
skunk of a scheme

they ever smeared
across the West.

Landed feet first too.

That's how you're gonna
get carried out of it.

Just skip the big talk.

All right, gal, sit down.

Somebody's runnin' guns
into the Indians.

Enough rifles to massacre every
white man in the whole territory.

I can't understand why
they ain't attacked already.

Maybe they're waiting for this.

Where'd ya get that dynamite?

Two loads came in
on the wagon train.

Someone's gonna pick it up,
and we gotta find out who.

What's your plan?

Whoever killed Jim Hunter,

found out there was
a federal agent after 'em,

but they didn't know who it was.

I steered 'em
onto the wrong party.

A husband I picked up in Fort Deerfield,
name of Painless Potter.

They'll kill him, sure.

That's right.

They'll think
the federal agent's dead.

Then I can operate.

Hi.

Hi.

Where's the high life
around here?

Right over
at the Dirty Shame Saloon.

Spread out.

Isn't he a dandy?

He's a humdinger.

Here he comes, folks!

Welcome, welcome.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen!

We have a celebrity
in our midst.

It's a rare privilege
to shake the hand

of the greatest Indian fighter
west of the Mississippi.

You can include
the East too, son.

Watch it. Watch it.
It's my trigger finger.

I'd consider it an honor
if you would join me.

Heard you, partner.
Heard you.

You were sayin'?

What'll you have, my friend?

Never mind the chaser.

You going to be in town long?
How about a dance?

We all want a chance.

Wait a minute.
Don't fight over me, gals.

I'll be around a while.
Good.

Take it slow.
You know this could become habit-forming.

Move in, honey.
Don't get shut out.
Okay.

Yes, sir. Stand by.
I may raffle myself off later.

For me?

* This town ain't big enough *

* The streets ain't
long enough *

* For me to get away from you *

* Meet ya round the corner
'bout half-past eight *

* Oh, honey, what we'll do *

* The West ain't rough enough *

* The joints ain't tough enoug *

* To keep me
from the one I crave *

* Meet ya round the corner *

* Now, don't be late *

* You'll see how I behave *

* When we're alone, honey *

* You'll be possessin' *

* My best caressin' *

* I'll be your own honey *

* You're the kind *

* To make me lose my mind *

* One kiss ain't strong enough *

* A kiss ain't long enough *

* Got to kiss you
night and day *

* Meet ya round the corner *

* Any old corner *

* Meet ya anytime you say *

* Ho, ho, ho *

* Seein' as you're new here *

* Soon as I'm through here *

* I'll kiss ya
in my own sweet way *

* Ho, ho, ho *

* Meet ya round the corner *

* Any old corner *

* Meet ya anytime you say **

You got a cigar on ya, sister?

Come on, handsome.
Let's dance.

Take me away.

- It's Joe!
- It's Joe!

Don't do it, Joe.
This guy's a killer.

What's the trouble, stranger?

I don't like nobody
foolin' around my gal.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

I ain't foolin'.

Now get.

You ain't scarin' nobody.

This town ain't big enough
for you and me.

I'll give you
till sundown to get out.

That's the usual time, ain't it?

At sundown
I'll be out lookin' for you.

I'll be waitin'.

And I'll be lookin'!

He plumb riled me.

Four fingers of Red Eye.

I always feel like a drink
before a killin'.

The thumb too.

Nothin' stronger, huh?

The sun's almost down, honey.

Yeah.

This little doll is
just itchin' for another notch.

Here, wear this for good luck.

Yeah. But men don't wear these.
Oh, yeah. Sure, kid.

Thanks.

Hey, listen.

The man that's after you
just killed my brother.

Here's a tip.

He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.

He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.

Son, I'll let you in
on somethin'.

Long towards sunset,
there's a wind from the east,

so you better aim to the west.

He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.

There's a wind from the east,
so better aim to the west.

I know this Joe like a book.

He crouches when he shoots,
so stand on your toes.

He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.

There's a wind from the east,
better aim to the west.

He crouches when he shoots,
so stand on your toes.

Thanks.

Hey, Mrs. Potter, your husband's
mixed up in a gun fight.

Well, that problem's
taken care of.

He draws from the left,
so stand on your toes.

There's a wind from the east,
better lean to the right.

He crouches when he shoots,
better aim to the west.

He draws from his toes,
so lean towards the wind.

Ha, ha! I got it.

Watch it!

Watch it, watch it.

Better warm up a little.

The wind shifted.

Either way, he wins.

He draws from the wind,
so lean when you stand.

No.

He stands on his crouch
with his toes in the wind.

No.

Shh!

All right, Potter!

Hey, it's Peter Potter!

Hooray for Peter Potter!

How do ya like that!

Tried to fool me.
He didn't crouch with the wind.

What's the idea?

I nearly made a mistake.

There's an old saying: When you're huntin'
a mountain lion, stake out a goat.

Yeah, the lion
gets the goat and--

We get the lion.

We'd better get rid
of the dynamite.

Get a hold of Yellow Feather.

Now, you try and find out where
they're hidin' that dynamite,

and I'll round up our goat.

I'd have got him sooner,
but I tripped.

Have a little work for ya.
Stick around and I'll make you wealthy.

Hurry, boys, I may
have to pose for a statue.

Fooled you that time, didn't I?

I have to be a hero.

Oh, you great big,
wonderful man!

I told you my garter
would bring you good luck.

Oh, thanks.
Lucky thing I had a gun too.

How about a great
big smack for Pepper?

Well--
It sounds like a good idea.

I don't want anybody
foolin' with my man.

I've come back to you, darling.

What's that, stranger?

I didn't realize how much I loved you
until I saw how brave you were.

Please forgive me.

Well, you didn't come crawling
back on your hands and knees,

but I'll weaken.

You may kiss my cheek.

Shall we go to our room, dear?

That seems fair.
My arm, Mrs. Potter.

Nah, over here.

That's my shootin' side.

Be right with you, honey.

There, that ought
to take care of the tourists.

Gee, I never thought I'd find
a girl who would fight over me.

Boy, when you hit her
with that right.

Remember, honey,
I'm on your side.

Why, of course, dear.
I'm your wife.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

Yeah. Come.

Come close to me, wifey.

Oh, that was delightful.
Let's try another one, huh?

You poor kid.
I'm sorry I had to do that.

What's the matter with me?
I must be gettin' soft.

Hank!
Guns.

Dynamite.

Undertaker's parlor--

you'll find the men that--

Hank.

Painless.

Painless, wake up.
Wake up. Come on.

He crouches when he shoots,
so aim to the left.

J-- Jane!

Painless, do you love me?

Oh, I'm--
I'm yours, body and soul.

Will you do anything for me without
asking questions? Naturally, darling.

Well, then, listen carefully.

There's dynamite hidden
in the undertaker's parlor.

Someone's gonna come callin'
for it tonight.

Go down there
and find out who they are.

Easy, gal. Are you trying
to get rid of me again?

Please, Painless.

I can't tell you why now,
but this is important.

You must go.
I don't must anything.

Any other girl would be
tickled pink to be alone

with a guy who's killed
14 Indians for her, but not you.

Every time we're alone, you try
to give me the old heave-ho.

Twenty years of my life--
our whole life together depends on this.

Will you go?

And what if I don't, what then?

Well, I couldn't blame you.

All I can say is,
that I'm depending on you

more than I've depended
on anyone else before ever.

Please.

All right, I'll go.

But it's the last time
you'll make a monkey out of me.

You know that statue
you told me about?

Well, tell 'em to carve on it,
"Painless Potter. Shmo."

I'll be seeing you.
You too.

Hey, look!
Hey, what's that?

Some other guy you kissed?
I'll explain later.

There's no time
for questions now.

Please trust in me.

Oh, but I don't understand
this whole situation.

Please, please.
All right, I'm goin'.

Don't get the idea
that I'm scared or nervous.

Because I'm not--
Wait!

Because I'm not!

Who--

Shh! Shh! Get out of here
before I sic a mouse on you.

Shh!

Shh!

Hey, they got dynamite--

Joe.

Fool.

Whoa.

We've got to get
this stuff out of here fast.

We're using the dentist's wagon
in case there's a slipup.

Come on. Hurry it up.

Take it easy.

Reach, you varmints,
or I'll tattoo you the hard way.

Aha! I know all about you
and your dynamite.

You were gonna give it
to the Indians, huh?

Well, now I'm gonna to take you
down to the sheriff's office

and have a little talk
about your future, if any.

Now get goin'!

Painless Potter rides again.

Whoo-hoo!

And then I found out
that you were captured too.

I'd been meaning
to tell you anyway,

and hearing those drums,
I figured this was my last chance.

Then it wasn't me
that shot all those Indians?

And I didn't even shoot Joe?

And any minute
I could've been killed?

Now I worry.

Sayin' I'm sorry is
like spittin' in your eye,

and I'm sayin' it.

Me, a hero.

Boy, I couldn't save a clam
from a bowl of chowder.

I bet I handed you
a lot of laughs.

What a sucker I've been.
What a boob.

There ain't low enough words for
what I've done to you, Painless.

There are now.
I just thought of a couple of new ones.

All the time I thought you were about the
finest thing that ever came into my life.

That's what sticks in my craw.

Painless--

What now?

There's one more thing
I gotta tell you.

I gotta tell you
that I love you.

What's this, another laugh?

No.

I think you're the kindest,
bravest man I've ever known.

Oh, sure.

And I want to tell you this now,
because we may not get out of this alive.

Yeah, well,
if it hadn't been for you.

Hey. Well, what do you know.

What's the matter?

No stars.
Oh!

Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!

Maybe he's--

Hey!

What's the matter,
you tryin' to dirty my scalp,

even before you get it?

Whoa!

How.

Not so good.

Me Yellow Feather.

Me chief of tribe.

Me greet Paleface warrior.

Oh! Well, I think
you got the wrong person.

She's the--

Yeah. Me very big
Paleface warrior.

You strong here.

Yeah, heap big heap.

Paleface more brave
than all white warriors.

Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.

Yellow Feather know
you kill 11 his best braves.

Fifteen!

Painless, tell him the truth.

Eleven.
That's not what I mean.

Yellow Feather, he didn't have
anything to do with this.

I got him into the whole thing.

Let her breathe.

Paleface warrior
get much praise.

My tribe make big honor.

Fine!

Yellow Feather, please!
No, not that! Not to him!

Huh?
How.

Yeah, I'll let you know.

I don't know what he said,

but it didn't sound
like he was inviting me to a picnic.

What did he say?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Yeah, but I don't
like surprises.

Am I gonna get shot by arrows?
Burned at the stake?

Boiled in a pot?

Am I getting warm?

Painless, can you take it?

No, but tell me anyway.

Well, with Indians, the bigger hero you are,
the greater the torture.

Yeah, but what can they do?

What's left?

Well--

Two trees.

They bend one tree down.

Then they bend
the other tree down.

They tie one of your legs
to this tree.

Mine?

Then, they tie your other leg
to this tree.

Then they cut the ropes.

That's me?

If I were a chicken bone,
I could make a wish.

At a time like this
he has to be off-key.

Don't pull.
You'll get your half.

Yeah, that's your story.

It's time I told you
I'm not this brave.

Just think. I'll be traveling
east and west at the same time.

Painless! Painless!

Oh, don't worry, honey.

Maybe in the next world
you'll meet two nice fellas.

Look close.
They'll both be me.

Let's be fair.

Wapato, medicine bad.

Shame us with white squaw.

Go.

You not come back!

Oh!

Help!

Help!

Help. Help.

I better get goin'.

Jane!

She's still there,
and it's up to me to save her.

Hold it, impulsive.

If those Indians grab you,
you know what'll happen to you.

And we don't like that, do we?

What are you, a man or a mouse?

I'm not a mouse, and I'm not a man.
I'm a dentist.

Yeah, but the girl loves you.

Yeah. Yeah,
and I love her too.

But if they get me, my life won't be
worth a plugged nickel.

What'll your life be worth
without her?

Oh, now don't get
sentimental with me.

Let's look at it logically.

If I go back there, those Indians'll part
my hair clear down to my toes.

How can that help Jane?

Suit yourself.

If you think you can spend
those long evenings

just thinkin' about how you might have
saved her, it's all right with me.

Aw, stop. Stop. I'll go.

But don't forget I'll always hate you
for bein' so stubborn.

Besides, I have to pick up
my other boot.

Oh!

How.

Now, would you like to trade?

Clothes?
Me take those, huh?

Like that?

Why, you!

I got 'im. I got 'im.
Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

How.
How.

How.

Well, Chief, this completes
our part of the bargain.

You bring long rifles, dynamite?

An ample supply.
All is in order.

You low-down
stinkin' little coyote.

So you're the one I've been lookin' for!
Hold her! Hold her!

Well,

that's your federal agent.

What are you gonna to do with her?
Burn.

It'll take more than a governor's
pardon to save you now.

Rat!

Come. We talk.

Hubby, hubby.

Hubby, hubby.

* East is east
Please don't crack *

* This is your hubby Painless *

Hubby, hubby.

Hubby, hubby.

Medicine Man come back.

Burn him.
Burn him with White Squaw.

Hey!

Yeah! Ho-ho.

You don't know
what you're doing.

Don't worry.
I'll save you.

Who they gonna burn over there?
The Medicine Man.

Serves him right for
practicing without a license.

Yahoo!

I got 'em fooled, all right.

Yeah, they think you're the Medicine
Man they're gonna burn at the stake.

Ya-- Ya-- Ya--

Me?

Don't move.
I'll try to lead 'em away.

Something might work out.

What's the matter with you?

- Why, you crazy Indian!
- We're too strong.

Sorry, ma'am.

How.

Didn't I tell you I'd save you?

Boy, it smells like somebody's
been cooking cauliflower in here.

Come on.
Get out of here.

I'll see you around.

Hey, fellas, wait for me.

Grab a rifle and start shootin'!

Yeah.

Give me one of those guns!

Yes, ma'am.

Take any size you want, honey.

Why, we'll get--
Get back. It's not safe.

Yes, ma'am.

They're walkin' right into our trap.

A billiard!

Pretty tricky, those foreigners.

Where's my rifle?

They wanted dynamite, huh?
Well, I'll give it to 'em.

Must've been a dud.

Hey, faster!
They're gaining on us!

Hey, get up in front!

You're supposed to be pullin'!

Hey!

Jump, Painless! Jump!

If I jump, I'll get killed!

But the dynamite!

Rigor mortis, here I come! Ooh!

Get Martin off that wagon!

That's the last of 'em.

Darn it! There goes
my dental diploma.

Here they come now!

Don't get excited.

I'll be back in a year or so.
Don't worry.

Our hero.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Potter.

Silly girl.

You gotta expect
this kind of thing.

Let's not overdo it.

I know I deserve it.
But steady, men.

Take it out of the bags, fellas.

Honey, I'll drive.
Yeah, you drive and I'll watch.

Finally going on your honeymoon?
Am I! Yahoo!

What do you want?
A happy ending?