Original subtitles

[Scuzzy garage rock]

♪

- ♪ that girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood ♪

♪ she got the hottest trike in town ♪

♪ that girl, she holds her head up so high ♪

♪ I think I want to be her best friend now ♪

♪ rebel girl

♪ rebel girl

♪ rebel girl

♪ you are the queen of my world ♪

♪ rebel girl

♪ rebel girl

♪ I really like you

♪ I really want to be your best friend ♪

♪ be my rebel girl

male announcer: This is the comedy central roast

of roseanne,

and now, please welcome your roastmaster, Jane lynch!

[Cheers and applause]

- Hello!

Hello, thank you.

Thank you.

Whee!

Roseanne!

Thank you.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Jane lynch.

Welcome to the comedy central roast of roseanne!

[Cheers and applause]

Huh?

Oh, my goodness, what a night.

Roseanne, Ellen barkin, katey sagal, Carrie fisher...

It's like a menopausalpalooza!

[Laughter]

This show is serving up more old spoiled hens than a chick-fil-a.

[Laughter]

Oh, and that reminds me...

Fuck chik-fil-a.

Okay?

[Laughter]

Thank you.

Tonight we honor a true show business icon.

She is one of those rare celebrities so famous

that she's referred to by just one name...

Bitch.

[Laughter]

Ellen barkin is here.

Huh?

[Cheers and applause]

Ellen, your, uh, your sex scene in sea of love

is the reason I'm a lesbian.

There's nothing--

there's nothing like seeing Al Pacino's greasy, bare ass

on the screen to make a girl wanna eat pussy

like she's about to be executed.

[Cheers and applause]

Right?

Ooh.

Carrie fisher is here!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, Carrie's here to put roseanne's weight

and drug problems into perspective.

[Laughter]

Carrie was once one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood.

But that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

[Laughter]

And one of the good ones, Wayne Brady is here.

[Cheers and applause]

Now Wayne, you're gonna hear a lotta jokes tonight

about how you're not a real black man,

but I just want you to know I still hid my purse.

[Laughter]

- Good.

Good.

- But enough about these vile, degenerate failures.

Roseanne is a fearless performer who always speaks her mind,

even though she is clearly out of it.

Before we bring her out tonight,

let's take a look back

at roseanne's many career highlights,

so our viewers under the age of 20

can stop asking who the fuck she is.

- This is her very first appearance

on national television.

Roseanne barr.

- A husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh?

Like they think the uterus is a tracking device.

[Laughter]

I like that Joan jett.

I can't even remember the last time we had sex.

Well, I can, and that's why we ain't doin' it!

When I was 12-years-old, I signed a deal with Satan,

'cause I wanted to get famous no matter what.

- ♪ When I grow up

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be a star

♪ I wanna be in movies

♪ when I grow up

♪ me on TV

♪ people know me

♪ be on magazines

- are you ever sorry we got married?

- Every second of my life.

- Why are you so mean?

- 'Cause I hate kids!

- She starred in the groundbreaking show roseanne

which never shied away from contentious issues.

It featured the first lesbian kiss on TV.

- And then I had this tragic singing accident at the--

- oh, yes. I remember that.

Yeah.

- ♪ And the home

♪ of the brave

- disgusting. - Disgraceful.

- So anti-American.

- Scratching herself and spitting...

- Roseanne barr, baby!

Thumbs up, okay?

America, lighten up!

- National anthem?

I don't think so.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Don't say that on television!

[Bleep] You!

Are those macadamia nuts?

- These are some of my nuts.

I need to run for president.

I'm not kidding.

This is America, land of the free.

I have to call my psychiatrist.

That's what makes me, me.

I can't begin to tell you what a privilege it is

for you to have me here tonight.

Let's start this show.

[Cheers and applause]

- She is a personal inspiration to me

and an absolute comedic genius.

Please welcome America's domestic goddess:

Roseanne!

[Cheers and applause]

- Hi, Gilbert.

Hi, Carrie.

- Awesome entrance.

Awesome.

- Don't be a suckface. - Hi, honey.

Hello, darling!

Mwah! Mwah!

- Oh, please!

- Hi!

- Roseanne, it's great to finally meet you.

You know, I waved to you outside,

but then I realized it was just one of those

inflatable parking lot gorillas.

[Laughter]

Um, what a huge mark you've made on the entertainment industry.

There's your groundbreaking show, roseanne,

and then there's-- yes!

[Cheers and applause]

And then, of course, there's reruns of roseanne!

And having a hit show finally allowed you

to do what you truly love to do:

Fire people.

Uh, let's not forget your movie career

like the rest of America.

You co-starred in she devil with meryl streep.

[Cheers and applause]

That movie got two and a half stars,

just like this stage.

Uh, if you consider Seth green a star, which none of us do.

Um, of course,

you've experienced controversy.

Everyone remembers your version of the star spangled banner.

Now...

Who could have predicted that your beautiful speaking voice

wouldn't translate to singing?

[Laughter]

Now, in your defense,

you said there was something wrong

with the sound system that day,

and there was.

Uh, it had been turned on.

[Laughter]

Then you moved on to spiritual pursuits.

Roseanne, you're a Jew that converted to mormon

who converted to kabbalah.

And in 1990, of course, you converted to white trash...

When you married tom Arnold.

[Laughter]

Now, roseanne...

It's not your fault you were attracted to tom.

You thought with all that white powder on his upper lip,

there must be a donut somewhere.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Uh, roseanne said she had plastic surgery

to get away from tom Arnold,

much like a non-crazy person would use a car.

[Laughter]

By the way, tom Arnold wanted to be here tonight,

but at the last minute no one asked him.

[Laughter]

I really don't know a lot about roseanne's current boyfriend.

Well, I do know one thing.

Uh, he's into fat chicks.

[Laughter]

Roseanne, you've-- you've admitted

to having multiple personalities.

And it's amazing you couldn't find just one that was likeable.

And it's true that roseanne goes off the grid from time to time.

This allows the grid to maintain its structural integrity.

[Laughter]

But this year, she's announced her campaign for presidency.

[Cheers and applause]

Mitt romney actually sent roseanne flowers

for making him the second most hated mormon in the race.

[Laughter]

Like Joan of arc, you're a strong, powerful woman

who has a lot to say, fears nothing,

and whose ass is about to go up in flames.

Let's bring out your first roaster!

[Cheers and applause]

Our first roaster is Amy schumer.

[Cheers and applause]

- Now, Amy didn't have to blow someone

to be on the stage tonight, but she insisted on it.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get her out of the way:

Amy schumer.

[Cheers and applause]

- Aw, eat a dick Jane.

[Laughter]

Try it.

[Laughter]

Look at this dais:

Roseanne, Ellen, Jane, Carrie, Kate.

You ladies are like the women's olympic gymnastics team:

Tired, overheated and you don't get your periods anymore.

[Laughter]

I haven't seen this much loose skin

since Jane lynch's circumcision.

[Laughter]

I don't wanna mess with you, Jane.

I know your fans will eat my pussy alive.

[Laughter]

I'm sorry.

I cannot stop looking at Ellen barkin.

You are so sexy.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, Jane,

is it weird to see what you would look like as a woman?

[Laughter]

That's weird.

I think it's weird.

Wayne Brady's here.

[Cheers and applause]

Wayne...

You are crazy talented.

You're so brilliant.

Why doesn't anyone care?

No one up here can do what you do.

In fact, when someone even mentions

whose line is it anyway?,

Carrie fisher yells out, "mine!"

[Laughter]

'Cause you're a drug addict, right.

Um...

No, but Carrie, you've cut more lines

than a crippled kid at Disneyland.

[Groaning laughter]

Ellen barkin is here.

Ellen caught a lot of flack this year

for dating a man half her age.

So what, you're dating a 43-year-old!

[Laughter]

I don't see the problem.

- Good joke.

- Ellen has married some of the richest men in the world.

Now, I'm not sayin' she's a gold digger,

but she ain't messing with no broke Wayne Bradys.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[Laughter]

Ellen's been quoted as saying

she's slept her way to the middle.

Wow, you've really inspired young women

to put their best clit forward.

[Laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Seth, a clit is this small...

You won't need to worry about it.

Yeah, just take it down.

Seth is here representing the lollipop guild.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

For over 30 years,

Seth green has been one of Hollywood's top child actors.

[Laughter]

Speaking of children...

Gilbert, God, you look like a tiny Asian kid.

Hang around long enough

and Jane and her wife will try and adopt you.

[Laughter]

Jeff Ross is still gross.

Jeff Ross...

Jeff, you look like krusty the clown dressed as Joe paterno.

Think it'll help for all your work at children's parties.

[Whistle tweeting]

Is that a rape whistle?

Jeff, you look worse

than when I started this sentence.

How did you do that?

[Laughter]

Which brings me to Michael Moore--

I mean roseanne barr.

[Laughter]

I'm such a fan.

Roseanne bought a nut farm--

a nut farm--

which is also the nickname for Ellen barkin's mouth

in an audition.

[Laughter]

- Amy, what did I ever do to you?

- You just swallowed a ton of ejaculate.

That's all that joke is saying.

[Laughter]

Roseanne, you have the voice of a parakeet

and the face of a much fatter parakeet.

You know you're unattractive

when Sara Gilbert is the eye candy on set.

[Laughter]

Honestly, you look so beautiful now, it's--

it was hard to write jokes about you.

It just--it's too bad you didn't look like this

when it mattered!

- [Laughs]

[Laughter]

- You look gorgeous.

I was surprised you were running for president.

I think a lot of people just couldn't picture you,

like, running.

Uh...

But truthfully, you've been making people laugh

and feel better for as long as I can remember.

And you're one of my personal heroes.

I'm honored to be here.

Thank you so much.

- Well, thank you so much.

Thank you. So funny.

[Cheers and applause]

Seth is the man he is today

because his mom smoked during pregnancy.

Please welcome the only person here tonight

that wants another Austin powers movie:

Seth green!

[Cheers and applause]

- Wow, Jane lynch!

Seriously, you are one of my favorite comic actors.

I don't care what anybody says.

Jane lynch is the funniest man in America.

So I'm ready for all of you to come up here tonight

and do your stupid jokes about my height.

I even spent five minutes writing a rebuttal.

I would have spent more time,

but unlike the rest of you, I have a job.

[Laughter]

Granted, it's on cartoon network,

but still, I don't have to sleep in my car

and wait a year for the next roast.

[Laughter]

Carrie fisher is here.

[Cheers and applause]

Carrie and I go way back to the first Austin powers movie

where she played a therapist.

There's no irony there.

Carrie used to be paid a lot to take work as a screenwriter,

and now the only scripts she takes

are from her friends' medicine cabinets.

But I'm really glad you're here.

It is a nerd's dream to be on the same show

with Carrie fisher and Amy schumer...

Princess Leia and princess blow ya.

[Laughter]

That's true.

Amy, at least you've got a part in the new Steve carell movie:

Seeking a friend for the end of the world.

Congratulations.

It's a great change of pace from your usual:

Seeking a dick for the end of the night.

[Laughter]

- I mean, yeah.

I can't believe Ellen barkin is here tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

I got so excited when she looked at me backstage

with that sexy, crooked smile.

But actually wasn't sure if she was saying, "I'm into you,"

or, "help, I'm having a stroke!"

[Laughter]

Jeff Ross is an old friend.

He's got a new show on comedy central

where he roasts the news.

It'll be perfect for people who find jon Stewart

too handsome and funny.

[Laughter]

I'm looking forward to it.

Wayne Brady is an old friend of mine too.

People have said on whose line is it anyway?

Wayne Brady wasn't black enough,

and so to show people that he's a real player,

he got a job as a game show host.

[Laughter]

That's gonna-- that's gonna show 'em.

Gilbert gottfried.

I don't know why you squint a lot.

We're the ones who have to look at you.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Katey sagal, I've known you

since you did married with children

when I was doing the facts of life

on the gower stages.

[Chuckles]

And now you're a star on the sons of anarchy,

a show that your husband wrote.

You are literally the only actress in Hollywood

who got cast on a show by fucking a writer.

[Laughter]

But I'm here tonight because of roseanne,

our guest of honor.

[Cheers and applause]

Roseanne, you need another show.

You do.

You're spending way too much time on Twitter.

It is...

It's-- it's downright annoying.

Yeah.

I tweet a lot,

but you tweet more than big bird

when he's getting ass-raped.

It's intense.

And the last time I saw roseanne,

she was in a snickers commercial.

Because that's what America is thinking.

"I wanna eat what she's eating!"

[Laughter]

And most of all, roseanne,

I loved seeing princess Leia strangle you with a chain

at the end of "return of the jedi."

[Laughter]

But you've always been an inspiration,

and you've never hid anything about yourself,

and I love you for that.

- Oh, thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- Our next roaster is katey sagal.

[Cheers and applause]

You may remember her for her sitcom, married with children.

She is currently starring in sons of anarchy

as a vicious, vicious criminal.

And she's here tonight to finally kill her career.

Please welcome, katey sagal!

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh...

Thank you, Jane.

I have been a fan of your work

since you were cutting down the redwoods

with your big blue ox.

[Laughter]

Uh, I'm not sure if you know this,

but Jane came out to her parents in a letter.

There hasn't been a letter that unnecessary

since the "p" in pneumonia.

[Laughter]

Ellen barkin is here.

Ellen, you are a survivor.

When your second marriage fell apart,

you didn't sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

You took your $40 million settlement and pa--

- $20!

- Your $20 million settlement-- whatever!

- Don't exaggerate!

My kids think they're richer than we are.

- You took all that money,

and you paid someone else to sit around

and feel sorry for you.

And Amy schumer...

You know, this business can really be tough on women.

Many of them develop eating disorders

in an effort to be thin.

It's just a suggestion.

[Laughter]

Speaking of things that are thin,

it's so good to see Seth green.

Seth, you being here marks the first time

someone your size has been on comedy central

without Jeff Dunham's hand up their ass.

[Laughter]

- Trailblazer. That's me.

- It's also really good to see Wayne Brady.

Wayne is where kind of talented, kind of funny,

kind of black meet.

[Laughter]

And then there's Jane lynch.

Jane, you were named one

of power up's ten amazing gay women in show biz.

[Cheers and applause]

Quite an honor, even if there are only seven of you.

[Laughter]

Jeff Ross was also on the list

after they confused him for being a lesbian...

And also for being in show biz.

[Laughter]

And I gotta say

it's great to see roseanne back in the spotlight.

- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you, katey.

- I mean, you know, technically it's two spotlights,

but you get the idea.

Roseanne was a trailblazing comedy icon

who created the character

of an irreverent, smart-talking mom

that no one had ever seen since I did it

on married with children the year before.

[Cheers and applause]

- That's right!

- Go fox!

- Roseanne broke into the reality world

with roseanne's nuts,

a show about her and boyfriend Johnny argent

running a macadamia farm.

Finally, a show that combined America's love

for macadamia nuts with their passion for Johnny argent.

[Laughter]

Roseanne, I feel honored that you and I broke new ground

as TV moms who didn't cook, didn't clean,

and didn't make any money.

In the '90s, that made you a bad mom,

but today it makes you mitt romney's wife.

[Cheers and applause]

As an advocate for justice,

you are willing to speak for the voiceless many

as well as the many voices.

All of whom are in your head,

telling you to eat it, fuck it,

fire it, or run for president.

Roseanne, thank you so much

for asking me to be a part of this.

- Thank you, katey.

Thank you, honey.

So funny.

- Nice!

- Katey!

- Our next roaster is Jeff Ross.

[Cheers and applause]

Jeff just finished a national tour

which makes him the only man who has jerked off

in more theaters than Fred Willard.

Please welcome the roastmaster general,

Jeff Ross!

[Cheers and applause]

- Whoo!

Yeah!

Fantastic!

Give it up for your, uh, host tonight,

denis leary!

[Laughter]

I see Chris is here from glee.

This, uh, this is so cool.

I love glee.

- Jane, it's my favorite show. It really is.

Except for the one time they let you sing.

I haven't heard sounds that disturbing

since I hung out in sandusky's basement.

[Groaning]

What, too soon for the glee jokes?

Folks, if you're offended by what you see tonight,

just do what Joe paterno did.

Look the other way.

Again, Jane, thank you for hosting.

You are probably the most beloved person

in comedy right now.

I mean, before the show, I even heard the crowd chanting:

"Lynch! Lynch! Lynch!"

And that was just during Wayne Brady's introduction.

[Laughter]

- Wow.

- Wait, is that Wayne Brady,

or did Al jolson forget to take off his makeup?

Mammy!

How did you make a career

out of corporate team building exercises?

[Laughter]

If you're just turning in,

no, this is not a lifetime original movie.

[Laughter]

- Yay!

- Thank you.

- Ellen barkin, you've always been ahead of your time:

You were voted hottest woman over 50 at age 36.

[Laughter]

Carrie fisher, make yourself comfortable:

Chain yourself to roseanne's chair.

- What does that mean?

I don't even get that.

- It's a fuckin' star wars joke.

- Oh!

I don't even get it.

You should know.

You're dressed like Yoda's grandma.

[Laughter]

I'm telling you,

this roast doesn't take commercial breaks,

it takes a menopause.

And Anthony,

I'm hearing you're very excited about your new pilot:

John Travolta.

[Laughter]

I see the world's ugliest motherfucker, Gilbert gottfried,

is here tonight.

You look like Benjamin button when he was six.

[Laughter]

Gilbert's kept a low profile since he was fired from aflac

just for writing an insensitive tweet.

Gilbert, if you want to tweet about a disaster tonight,

tweet about Ellen barkin's makeup.

Too soon. Too soon.

- No, too good.

- You do, you look beautiful.

[Cheers and applause]

I gotta hand it to you.

You've been tortured and abused all night,

and you're still hanging in there.

- Who me?

- Roseanne, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the chair you're sitting on.

[Laughter]

Oh, wait. You know what?

Normally when I roast a pig, it has an apple in its mouth.

[Audience gasps]

[Cheers and applause]

After our last roast I said,

"we need someone even bigger than Charlie sheen,"

but this isn't what I meant.

Last year we roasted Charlie,

this year we're roasting the chocolate factory.

- The what?

What's that joke?

- You want me to explain the fuckin' jokes to you?

- I didn't hear it. What was it?

- It means you're fat.

- Oh. Okay.

[Laughter]

- I'm looking forward to your new show,

"tons of anarchy."

[Laughter]

Instead of running for president,

why don't you try walking on a treadmill?

I'd vote for you,

but I'm against big government!

- Oh!

- Roseanne joined the green party

'cause she was kicked out of the tea party

for eating all the crumpets.

[Laughter]

- Whoo! Nice one.

- How many personalities do you have, eight, nine?

What is it?

What are the odds they'd all be cunts?

[Laughter]

- Comedy comes from pain, people.

And nobody knows that better than this woman,

the legendary roseanne barr.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sighs]

Who was molested as a child.

Oh...

That poor molester.

Roseanne never got over it.

She felt violated.

She had trust issues.

She never got the candy he promised her.

[Laughter]

Roseanne, I've always loved you for saying whatever you want,

for never holding back.

And in these alarming times

when comedians are second-guessing

their imaginations

and sometimes even apologizing for jokes,

I consider you a hero and a martyr and a friend.

- Thank you. - Thank you very much.

I love you.

Thanks.

[Cheers and applause]

Now I'm gonna take Seth green and hit the showers!

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Our next roaster is Wayne Brady.

Wayne said he got his inspiration

when he watched a summer camp production of hello Dolly

and thought, "that's what I wanna do...

Be gay."

[Laughter]

Please welcome Wayne Brady.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much, Jane.

Now this is comedy central.

Don't make me choke a butch.

[Laughter]

Just sayin'.

Just sayin'.

I just wanna let you know

there'll be no giving away of prizes,

none of that shit.

No making up songs, singing.

I'm 'bout to tell the truth right here

on this motherfucking stage tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

I have to preach a little bit.

I have to preach.

Carrie fisher.

Carrie, you are the only celebrity

whose action figure is worth more than you are.

[Laughter]

Ellen barkin, so, so good to see you.

You--you are hot.

So, Ellen, uh, picture me, you,

red wine, candlelight, a time machine.

[Laughter]

No, I would fuck you.

Amy schumer, I wouldn't fuck you.

I wouldn't fuck you if you used watermelon-flavored vagisil

while wearing a fried chicken g-string

and a j.J. Walker dy-no-mite t-shirt

with soulja boy in the background.

[Cheers and applause]

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

You couldn't get a black dude to fuck you

if you were on the set of a brand new Tyler Perry movie

called "how to get a black dude to fuck you."

[Laughter]

- That's okay.

- That's all right.

Jeff Ross.

Jeff...

Oh, and by the way,

those Al jolson jokes go over big with the kids.

Um...

Yeah, you are current as fuck.

Now the thing is, Jeff, these are all jokes,

and I really like you.

I really, really like you,

but a lotta people hate you,

especially Sarah Palin,

because you remind her of what trig's gonna look like

when he's forty.

[Laughter]

And, uh...

[Mixed booing]

Oh, now you boo me?

Fuck y'all.

Don't wanna hear that.

These people say all this shit about me,

and you boo me because of trig.

And now to the reason that we're all here:

Roseanne barr.

[Cheers and applause]

You have overcome a lot to make it in Hollywood,

and that's why I love you.

Bad marriages,

mental illness,

plus you look like roseanne.

[Laughter]

You're oversized, beat-up, and you reek of marijuana.

You're...

- That's Jeff Ross!

- You're kinda like Willie Nelson's tour bus.

Except people still wanna ride that.

[Laughter]

And now all that being said,

I really think that you're, you're a comedic gem,

and I thank you for letting me be here.

- Thank you.

- And on behalf of--of intelligent brothers everywhere

who get jokes like this,

you can suck my big, black, Carlton-looking,

game-show-hosting, improv-doing,

Asian-fucking, maid-having, rich ass.

Thank you. Good night.

[Cheers and applause]

- Love you. Thank you so much.

- Thank you for having me.

- Our next roaster is Carrie fisher.

[Cheers and applause]

She became famous for traveling into space.

Now she can be seen from it.

May the force help her get out of that seat.

Please welcome Carrie fisher!

[Cheers and applause]

- Okay, thank you!

There is nothing funnier than a good menstruation joke.

Unfortunately, there haven't been any tonight, but...

Uh, okay, so...

I am Carrie. I'm an alcoholic.

All right, roseanne--

and I can't say "oops, wrong room."

Roseanne, when they first asked me to do the show tonight,

I said, "why?"

Uh, and then they explained that we were actually good friends

and that we apparently-- we have worked together.

Uh...

Did you know I wrote an episode of your show?

- I do.

- I didn't know that, but...

[Laughter]

It must be true. - It's true.

- You know, 'cause they read it online,

next to the posting about how much I looked like Elton John.

Um...

So as you may have noticed about me,

yes, I do have big tits,

but also, I am mentally ill.

Um, but...

- Yay!

- Thank you. Thank you.

Makes this a lot easier. Believe me.

Um...

But you know I'm not the only one.

Uh, Jeff Ross...

- Oh!

- God, you give so much of yourself

entertaining our troops overseas.

Not by doing stand-up.

They just like watching fat guys get out of helicopters.

[Laughter]

Uh, there you go.

Speaking of electro convulsive therapy, um...

I learned two things tonight

bumping into Seth green backstage:

He is a big star wars fan,

and I apparently was in star wars.

[Laughter]

So...

Amazing. That must have been great.

Uh, you know...

Now, uh, Wayne Brady...

How are you?

You're so white that I--

I tried to snort you backstage, didn't I?

I'm sorry.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

- Wow.

- Now, uh, I have seen Gilbert gottfried

at 12-step meetings.

Uh, even though he was not actually there.

They, uh, they held a picture up of him, and they said,

"if you fuck this man,

"'a,' how humiliating for you;

and 'b,' you must be an alcoholic."

Uh...

At least I hope so.

Jane...

- We love you, Carrie!

- Oh, dear, I love you too.

Uh...

I do love you on glee, I do.

And it's such a change to see a coach

that doesn't take showers with little boys.

[Laughter]

- Hey, wait a minute!

- I know. Where--what--

what, you're gonna take exception to that?

You did that joke?

- No, no, no. - No.

No, not that? - No, no.

- I'm gonna do another period joke,

then another white joke,

short joke,

old women joke.

Ha-ha-ha, okay.

So...

[Cheers and applause]

Yes, God!

Hilarious!

Anthony jeselnik!

I've heard that you are a pretty gutsy guy.

You say what other rapists only think.

[Laughter]

And you don't get your period anymore, do you?

Oh, God, I could laugh about that all night.

Now I wanna talk about someone I have a lot of history with,

someone who's always been there for me...

Not really, but roseanne...

You know, roseanne and I, we're both feminists.

Am I right? - You're right.

- I mean...

That's it!

You know, we--we think women can do anything that men can do.

In fact, we were discussing this earlier at the urinal.

Remember that?

Okay, roseanne, you've battled the voices in your head

to become one of the greatest comedians

and sitcom stars of all time

as well as a very dear friend of mine...

Ish.

Uh,

and if I had to come up with one reason

why I love you so much,

it would have to be because I have done so much dope

that I have no idea who the fuck you are!

Or who I am, or where I am.

Thank you.

- Yeah!

- I just got my period.

[Cheers and applause]

- Our next roaster is Anthony Jeselnik.

[Cheers and applause]

This fellow is famous for his one-liners like

"I never touched her," "I have an alibi,"

or "talk to my lawyer."

Everyone, please clap your hands

and pretend like you recognize Anthony jeselnik.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Thank you.

When comedy central first asked me to be here tonight,

I told them to suck my dick.

And now I'm here.

[Laughter]

Jane lynch, I love your show glee.

Every episode keeps me guessing.

No matter how I think it's gonna turn out,

there's never a school shooting.

[Groaning laughter]

My good friend Jeff Ross is all dressed up tonight.

- Yeah, man.

- Jeff, you look like something a mongoloid kid put together

at build-a-bear.

[Laughter]

Katey sagal.

Katey sagal, you're an incredible actress.

You worked on married with children,

the show that changed comedy.

Sons of anarchy,

the show that took drama to a whole new level,

and eight simple rules,

the show that killed John ritter.

[Groaning]

- That's bad.

That's mean.

Ooh.

Wow.

- Boo, bitches. Boo.

Seth green is here.

You know how everybody has that one weird, creepy Uncle?

Well, Seth green looks like he got raped by all of them.

[Laughter]

Ellen barkin, baby doll.

Your upcoming TV show, the new normal,

premieres on September 11th.

Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah.

September 11th, that sounds about right.

[Cheers and applause]

- I never thought of that.

- Every clip I've seen feels

like I'm watching a third tower collapse.

- Suck it.

- And Wayne Brady.

Wayne, I don't understand why people keep joking

that you're not black.

Wayne Brady, you are black!

After all, I only remember you for all the years

you played an uppity slave on whose line is it anyway?

- You were great. - I was good, right?

[Laughter]

- I was good.

- And now for the lady of honor, miss roseanne barr.

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh, boy. I can't wait.

- Roseanne, your bid for president was a failure.

But you said that you'd like to become

prime minister of Israel one day,

and that could happen.

Those people are fuckin' idiots!

[Laughter]

Roseanne, even though you're a feminist icon,

so many men have gotten rich off of you:

Tom Arnold, John Goodman,

the guy who owns the cheesecake factory.

[Laughter]

And, roseanne,

you were notorious for being a tyrant on your sitcom.

In fact, the entire cast and crew

always had to walk on eggshells around you

because you just could not stop eating eggs.

[Laughter]

But here's something positive.

Because you had gastric bypass surgery in 1998,

and then you beat it.

[Laughter]

But roseanne, despite everything I just said,

there is not a comic alive

who doesn't owe a great debt to you.

You're a great sport for being here tonight.

Thank you for letting me be here too.

- Thank you, Anthony.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Our next roaster is Ellen barkin.

[Cheers and applause]

Older viewers might know Ellen from diner or sea of love,

while younger viewers might know her from fucking her.

[Laughter]

Ellen stars in the upcoming nbc sitcom, the new normal,

which critics are already describing as cancelled.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Ellen barkin!

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you, Jane.

I had a cocktail before I came on.

I admit it.

And then I had three more cocktails.

And then I had a valium.

I was very scared and very intimidated

by being surrounded by real comedians here tonight.

Luckily, this fuckin' Jeff Ross is here.

[Laughter]

That was a relief.

I hear you have a new show.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Don't you think you should say, "thank you," to roseanne

for paving the way for plus-size women to get their own TV shows?

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you, roseanne. Thank you.

- You're welcome. - You're right.

- Katey, my little peg Bundy.

- Hi, Ellen.

- How does it feel to go through life

known as that horny redhead who could never get laid?

Seth green, same question.

[Cheers and applause]

And Gilbert gottfried.

I am so glad you could take a break

from staring directly into the sun

to be with us tonight.

[Laughter]

But now it's time to turn our attention

to the sexiest fuckin' bitch on this stage:

Miss roseanne barr!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, roseanne, I'm only here

because Sharon stone dropped out,

and we all know how hilarious that cunt is.

[Cheers and applause]

- That's not true.

- Roseanne, it was very important

for me to be here for you.

Do you remember that fuckin' bitch

who tweeted at me and called me

a fuckin' cradle-robbing, washed-up, has-been pig

who should find a man my own age

instead of parading around with some boy toy

that I would never get

if I didn't used to be famous in the '80s?

And--and roseanne...

In my defense, she took to Twitter,

and she told that fuckin' bitch,

"shut the fuck up!"

[Cheers and applause]

Now, granted,

I was with that woman's son at the time.

It was late,

and he did have homework that night.

But there was no way

I was lettin' that little hairless plaything

out of my sandbox.

[Laughter]

My friend, roseanne, you are a pioneer.

You became an icon for female comics,

for working mothers,

for all women.

And then you married that jittery coke head

and you fucked it all up.

[Laughter]

- Oh, well.

- I love you.

- I love you. Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- Wow!

Okay, so I was just told we have a last-minute guest

who's stopped by to say a few words.

Ladies and gentlemen:

Tom Arnold.

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh, shit.

She's right beside me, isn't she?

Oh, shit.

You know, uh, hi.

Wow.

We, uh--we have not been in the same room

for over 18 years, and, uh, you know...

- Yay! - Yeah, I--

[cheers and applause]

I'm not here to tear roseanne a new one

because quite frankly, I've seen the old one,

and, uh, it is spectacular.

It could use a little paint,

maybe a couple of plants in the corners,

a wicker loveseat, but trust me,

that baby is move-in ready!

[Laughter]

Trust me.

Why am I here?

Well, I'm here to honor roseanne,

and I'm here because I fuckin' earned it, man, the hard way.

[Laughter]

Have any of you guys ever wrestled her?

Huh?

I have.

Has she sent any of you guys over to Paramount

to beat up arsenio hall for making fat jokes?

I did. Right?

How many of you have been arrested at l.A.X.

For defending her singing?

This guy right here.

Have you ever had her pull a knife on you

for spitting on her diet cookies?

Yes! Yes!

That's right!

[Laughter]

Have you ever been sucker-punched in the face

by her purse in front of Bob hope

at his freakin' 90th birthday party?

[Laughter]

Yes. - Not.

- Yes, you did.

Yes, it's true.

At one time we were obviously very, very close.

When I was with roseanne--

and uh, she's talked about this a lot--

she had 27 personalities.

And only two of them liked me.

And, uh, one of those was a small German boy, and...

[Laughter]

Rosie and I were once inseparable.

We lived together, we worked together,

we even got tattoos together.

You remember.

I got Rosie's face tattooed on my chest.

And believe me,

it is hard to get a woman to have sex with you

when roseanne is fucking staring at her.

It's true.

[Laughter]

It's even harder to masturbate.

[Laughter]

You know, Rosie-- this is true--

she actually had "property of tom Arnold"

tattooed on her hip.

Which made me the fourth largest property owner in California.

[Laughter]

Now that I'm allegedly sober,

and we're both in stable relationships...

I want you to know, uh, Rosie,

there's no reason to be jealous of my wife, Ashley.

She's tall and thin and wasn't even born when we were married.

Plus, I've learned from your biggest mistake:

I made her sign a pre-nup.

[Laughs]

That was so good.

Anyway...

[Laughter]

Whoa...

But I just wanna say something about your boyfriend, Johnny.

Johnny, I wanna say this to you, man.

Uh, no matter what, you gotta stay with this woman.

She may not be the perfect wife,

but trust me,

she's literally the worst fucking ex-wife on the planet.

Literally!

[Cheers and applause]

You do not wanna be a guy lying on his couch with a date

and hear how small your dick is

on Saturday night live.

And then the view.

And then CNN, and Al-jazeera.

She holds a grudge, people!

You know, uh, recently roseanne got in trouble

for accidentally wishing cancer on chik-fil-a customers...

[Cheers and applause]

But...

[Cheers and applause]

Accidentally.

But you guys can all relax.

If she had the power to wish cancer on anyone,

I would have been fucking dead in '94.

[Laughter]

You know, I, uh, I met roseanne 30 years ago.

You know, remember that?

- Is that right?

- Yeah, about 30 years ago.

And the first time I saw you perform,

I knew you were one of the great ones.

And, uh, when I got off stage you said to me,

"you sure are a funny son of a bitch."

And I said, "thanks.

You wanna do some blow?"

And, uh...

We stole the m.C.'S car,

and we disappeared for three days.

You remember that?

And so began our very own white trash Camelot.

[Laughter]

Hmm...

For one brief shining moment.

Then in 1985, roseanne went on Johnny Carson,

which is every comic's dream back then, you know?

She killed, he laughed his ass off.

He gave her a thumbs up,

and he invited her to sit on the couch.

She got validation from the king

that could never be taken away from you.

[Cheers and applause]

And...

I just want to say that, roseanne,

you were my Johnny Carson.

And thank you for the thumbs up,

and thank you for allowing me to sit on your couch

for a little bit.

Good night.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thanks. It was fun.

- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

Now, Gilbert is, uh, famous not so much for his comedy

but for pissing off more Asian people than Hiroshima.

[Laughter]

Please welcome that scary thing under your bed

from when you were a kid:

Gilbert gottfried!

[Cheers and applause]

- Jane lynch!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you can hear the sound of my voice!

This microphone is covered by the thick layer of pubic hairs

that shot from between Jane's teeth!

[Groaning laughter]

During each commercial break,

the producers wipe away the pelt of saliva-coated pubes

that accumulate upon the mic!

And each time Jane returns to the stage,

she once again sprays a carpet of short, curly hairs

all over the microphone,

and the front row of the nauseated audience members.

So forgive me if my voice is, shall we say, muffled!

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Carrie fisher!

Thank you for visiting us from the past.

When comedy central looked at this dais, they said,

"we just don't have enough washed-up, repugnant,

"drug-addicted, menopausal has-beens.

"Get me Carrie fisher.

[Laughter]

"Because if there's anything we're certain of,

it's that Carrie fisher is available."

R2-d2 has gotten more work

since star wars than Carrie fisher.

[Laughter]

- And he has his period.

- But tonight isn't about Carrie fisher or Jeff Ross

or any of the other disease-ridden transients

who were forced from their shanties

and refrigerator box dwellings to be here.

[Laughter]

Tonight, we honor a monster in the entertainment industries.

And like most monsters, she goes by one name,

and that name is rozilla!

[Cheers and applause]

Rozilla!

She's been described as being covered

with a thick layer of scaly, gray skin

emitting a strong, disgusting odor

of taco grease and ass cheese.

Her sharp, yellow teeth can take a man's arm off

in one bite

if you are foolish enough to try and feed the beast

her Mountain of pork cracklings and one slim-fast candy bar.

[Laughter]

- Oh, my God.

- Rozilla!

Stomping through Hollywood for decades,

breathing fire from her hairy snout,

burning bridge after bridge,

her glowing red eyes striking terror in the heart

of anyone unfortunate enough

to look in her hideous face.

- Oh, my God.

- Her gnarled, cow-like hooves

crushing and destroying everything in her path,

stopping only to feed every 10 minutes

and make one sitcom decades ago.

Her rolls of fat, swaying and crashing

like a Japanese moo-nami.

[Laughter]

Let me just stop for a second

and--and go on the record about moo-namis.

One should never speak about moo-namis.

One should never joke about moo-namis,

and most important of all,

one should never tweet about moo-namis.

[Cheers and applause]

But if one were to tweet about a moo-nami,

he's probably learned his lesson by now

and should get his endorsement deal back.

[Cheers and applause]

So he won't have to keep doing these horrible fucking roasts!

[Cheers and applause]

Rozilla!

Or, as she's known in Tokyo,

rozilla!

[Laughter]

Tonight, it's our chance

to end the reign of rozilla forever.

And don't forget about the tail:

Powerful enough to sweep an entire ox

into her throbbing colon.

People always forget about the tail.

They say, "let's get rozilla."

I say, "but what about the tail?"

They never remember the tail.

[Laughter]

Those people have paid the ultimate price.

And if all else fails, remember, good people:

Blame it on the Jews!

[Laughter]

And now for some jokes.

A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs

into his bedroom, waking his wife, roseanne.

She sits up and sees her husband holding a sheep under his arm.

The farmer yells, "this is the pig I've been fuckin'."

Roseanne says, "you idiot! That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

The farmer yells, "shut the fuck up.

I was talking to the sheep."

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Good night!

[Cheers and applause]

- Excellent. Excellent.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

An icon, a superstar,

and a woman whose balls are as big as her mouth.

Roseanne changed the face of television,

then changed her face.

She's told so many people to kiss her ass,

it could take into the next decade to get it done!

Now let's finally let her do what she does best:

Tell everybody to go fuck themselves!

Ladies and gentlemen, roseanne!

[Cheers and applause]

- Hey, thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Greetings, roseanne-archists.

[Cheers and applause]

I just want to say to all of my peers,

when comedy central calls you

and tells you they wanna honor you--

and they will--

just hang the fuck up.

I got a dais half full of fuckin' losers.

I've seen people in front of home depot

less desperate for work.

[Laughter]

All I know is I better get my goddamn parking validated

or some asshole's gettin' fired!

[Cheers and applause]

Where the hell are the stars?

Christ, I must have pissed off everybody I've ever known.

I had a number one network show,

I was in a movie with meryl streep,

and I get Amy fuckin' schumer?

[Laughter]

Meryl streep won three oscars.

This bitch came in fourth on last comic standing.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you for your votes.

- But I guess you people are the only ones

who can take the roseanne retort.

Since I am the meanest, baddest bitch on earth!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[Chuckles]

And that is the reason why I am running

for president of these goddamn United States of America!

[Cheers and applause]

That's right.

Put that in your fuckin' pipe and smoke it,

you honky motherfuckers!

Obama will get my weed

when he pries it out of my cold dead fingers!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank God for Jane lynch.

You are one ferocious bitch.

I love you so much.

The most revolutionary character on television.

- Thank you.

- But I hate you because you are thin.

But I guess I'd be thin too if all I ever ate was pussy.

[Laughter]

But I love that about you, I really do.

Ellen barkin, wow!

I thought you were dead!

Sweet!

So glad to see ya.

When I said I wanted that butchy blonde named Ellen,

I meant degeneres!

Carrie fisher!

The literary voice of a generation,

I'm your biggest fan.

What a career you've had:

Actress, writer, drug mule.

[Laughter]

Seth green, I don't wanna overlook you,

which is easy for anyone over five feet tall.

Jane lynch has vibrators bigger than you, Seth.

[Laughter]

- Figure you do.

The only difference is they can give a woman an orgasm!

[Cheers and applause]

Wayne Brady!

You have single-handedly redefined improv

by scripting it.

[Laughter]

You can do anything with an audience suggestion.

Here's one for you.

Get the fuck off the stage!

[Laughter]

- Oh.

Amy schumer.

Hey, thanks for reinforcing the stereotype

that women ain't funny.

[Laughter]

Actually, I guess I loved your set.

I think you're fuckin' great.

I loved it.

[Cheers and applause]

Amy schumer.

Anthony jeselnik!

You know the difference between Anthony and a gay porn actor?

Well, judging by your looks

and how much you sucked tonight,

none!

[Laughter]

Oh!

Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross is to third-rate comedians

what Kim Kardashian is to no-talent fame whores:

A hero!

[Cheers and applause]

Gilbert gottfried.

You know the difference between Gilbert's voice

and a sandpaper dildo?

Do you?

After 20 minutes,

you might start enjoying the dildo.

[Laughter]

And hence the difference.

And last but not least, tom Arnold.

I'd really like to thank tom for showing up tonight.

It was very brave...

[Cheers and applause]

And he was very funny.

But Jesus Christ, how many fuckin' jobs

do I have to get for that guy?

[Cheers and applause]

This night has been one of the greatest nights

of my life,

and that's not saying shit for my life.

[Cheers and applause]

No, but it was a blast, you guys.

Thank you to the audience, too, laughin'.

[Cheers and applause]

There's nothin' better than a good laugh,

nothing on earth.

And here is the teachable moment tonight.

If I can bury my roiling, boiling, ceaseless hatred

for the likes of tom Arnold,

maybe there's a chance that we can have world peace,

ladies and gentlemen.

[Cheers and applause]

But the truth is,

I would gladly give up even that dream

if I could just sing.

[Cheers and applause]

♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

♪ and the home

♪ of the

♪ brave!

[Cheers and applause]

[Whistle tweeting]

And about to be kicked out of their house.

Roseanne's husband says, "what are we gonna do?"

Roseanne says, "I can help,"

and she leads him to a trunk filled with cash.

It's $500,000.05.

Roseanne's husband says, "where did you get all this money?"

Roseanne says, "I've been working as a prostitute."

Roseanne's husband then says, "who gave you the five cents?"

Roseanne says, "all of 'em!"

[Laughter]