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[Scuzzy garage rock]
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♪
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- ♪ that girl thinks she's
the queen of the neighborhood ♪
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♪ she got the hottest trike
in town ♪
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♪ that girl,
she holds her head up so high ♪
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♪ I think I want to be
her best friend now ♪
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♪ rebel girl
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♪ rebel girl
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♪ rebel girl
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♪ you are the queen
of my world ♪
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♪ rebel girl
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♪ rebel girl
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♪ I really like you
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♪ I really want to be
your best friend ♪
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♪ be my rebel girl
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male announcer: This is
the comedy central roast
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of roseanne,
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and now, please welcome
your roastmaster, Jane lynch!
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Hello!
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Hello, thank you.
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Thank you.
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Whee!
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Roseanne!
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Thank you.
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Good evening, everyone.
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I'm Jane lynch.
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Welcome to the comedy centralroast of roseanne!
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[Cheers and applause]
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Huh?
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Oh, my goodness,
what a night.
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Roseanne, Ellen barkin,
katey sagal, Carrie fisher...
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It's like a menopausalpalooza!
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[Laughter]
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This show is serving up more old
spoiled hens than a chick-fil-a.
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[Laughter]
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Oh, and that reminds me...
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Fuck chik-fil-a.
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Okay?
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[Laughter]
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Thank you.
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Tonight we honor
a true show business icon.
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She is one of those rare
celebrities so famous
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that she's referred
to by just one name...
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Bitch.
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[Laughter]
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Ellen barkin is here.
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Huh?
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[Cheers and applause]
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Ellen, your, uh, your sex scene
in sea of love
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is the reason I'm a lesbian.
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There's nothing--
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there's nothing like seeing
Al Pacino's greasy, bare ass
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on the screen to make a girl
wanna eat pussy
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like she's about to be executed.
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[Cheers and applause]
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Right?
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Ooh.
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Carrie fisher is here!
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[Cheers and applause]
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Now, Carrie's here
to put roseanne's weight
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and drug problems
into perspective.
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[Laughter]
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Carrie was once one of the
hottest actresses in Hollywood.
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But that was a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.
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[Laughter]
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And one of the good ones,
Wayne Brady is here.
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[Cheers and applause]
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Now Wayne, you're gonna hear
a lotta jokes tonight
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about how you're not
a real black man,
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but I just want you to know
I still hid my purse.
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[Laughter]
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- Good.
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Good.
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- But enough about these vile,
degenerate failures.
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Roseanne is a fearless performer
who always speaks her mind,
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even though
she is clearly out of it.
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Before we bring her out tonight,
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let's take a look back
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at roseanne's many career
highlights,
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so our viewers
under the age of 20
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can stop asking
who the fuck she is.
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- This is
her very first appearance
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on national television.
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Roseanne barr.
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- A husband thinks that the wife
knows where everything is, huh?
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Like they think the uterus
is a tracking device.
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[Laughter]
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I like that Joan jett.
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I can't even remember
the last time we had sex.
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Well, I can, and that's why
we ain't doin' it!
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When I was 12-years-old,
I signed a deal with Satan,
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'cause I wanted to get famous
no matter what.
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- ♪ When I grow up
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♪ I wanna be famous
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♪ I wanna be a star
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♪ I wanna be in movies
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♪ when I grow up
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♪ me on TV
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♪ people know me
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♪ be on magazines
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- are you ever sorry
we got married?
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- Every second of my life.
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- Why are you so mean?
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- 'Cause I hate kids!
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- She starred in the
groundbreaking show roseanne
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which never shied away
from contentious issues.
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It featured
the first lesbian kiss on TV.
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- And then I had this tragic
singing accident at the--
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- oh, yes.
I remember that.
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Yeah.
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- ♪ And the home
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♪ of the brave
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- disgusting.
- Disgraceful.
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- So anti-American.
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- Scratching herself
and spitting...
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- Roseanne barr, baby!
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Thumbs up, okay?
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America, lighten up!
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- National anthem?
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I don't think so.
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Do you think I'm pretty?
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Don't say that on television!
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[Bleep] You!
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Are those macadamia nuts?
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- These are some of my nuts.
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I need to run for president.
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I'm not kidding.
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This is America,
land of the free.
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I have to call my psychiatrist.
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That's what makes me, me.
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I can't begin to tell you
what a privilege it is
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for you to have me here tonight.
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Let's start this show.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- She is a personal inspiration
to me
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and an absolute comedic genius.
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Please welcome America's
domestic goddess:
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Roseanne!
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Hi, Gilbert.
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Hi, Carrie.
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- Awesome entrance.
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Awesome.
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- Don't be a suckface.
- Hi, honey.
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Hello, darling!
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Mwah!
Mwah!
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- Oh, please!
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- Hi!
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- Roseanne,
it's great to finally meet you.
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You know,
I waved to you outside,
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but then I realized it was just
one of those
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inflatable parking lot gorillas.
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[Laughter]
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Um, what a huge mark you've made
on the entertainment industry.
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There's your groundbreaking
show, roseanne,
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and then there's--
yes!
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[Cheers and applause]
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And then, of course,
there's reruns of roseanne!
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And having a hit show
finally allowed you
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to do what you truly love to do:
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Fire people.
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Uh, let's not forget
your movie career
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like the rest of America.
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You co-starred in she devil
with meryl streep.
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[Cheers and applause]
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That movie
got two and a half stars,
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just like this stage.
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Uh, if you consider Seth green
a star, which none of us do.
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Um, of course,
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you've experienced controversy.
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Everyone remembers your version
of the star spangled banner.
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Now...
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Who could have predicted that
your beautiful speaking voice
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wouldn't translate to singing?
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[Laughter]
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Now, in your defense,
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you said there was
something wrong
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with the sound system that day,
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and there was.
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Uh, it had been turned on.
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[Laughter]
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Then you moved on
to spiritual pursuits.
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Roseanne, you're a Jew
that converted to mormon
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who converted to kabbalah.
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And in 1990, of course,
you converted to white trash...
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When you married tom Arnold.
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[Laughter]
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Now, roseanne...
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It's not your fault
you were attracted to tom.
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You thought with all that
white powder on his upper lip,
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there must be a donut somewhere.
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[Laughter]
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[Cheers and applause]
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Uh, roseanne said
she had plastic surgery
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to get away from tom Arnold,
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much like a non-crazy person
would use a car.
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[Laughter]
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By the way, tom Arnold wanted
to be here tonight,
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but at the last minute
no one asked him.
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[Laughter]
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I really don't know a lot about
roseanne's current boyfriend.
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Well, I do know one thing.
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Uh, he's into fat chicks.
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[Laughter]
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Roseanne, you've--
you've admitted
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to having multiple
personalities.
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And it's amazing you couldn't
find just one that was likeable.
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And it's true that roseanne goes
off the grid from time to time.
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This allows the grid to maintain
its structural integrity.
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[Laughter]
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But this year, she's announced
her campaign for presidency.
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[Cheers and applause]
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00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:11,208
Mitt romney actually sent
roseanne flowers
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for making him the second
most hated mormon in the race.
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[Laughter]
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Like Joan of arc,
you're a strong, powerful woman
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who has a lot to say,
fears nothing,
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and whose ass
is about to go up in flames.
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Let's bring out your first
roaster!
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[Cheers and applause]
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Our first roaster
is Amy schumer.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Now, Amy
didn't have to blow someone
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to be on the stage tonight,
but she insisted on it.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get her out of the way:
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Amy schumer.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Aw, eat a dick Jane.
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[Laughter]
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Try it.
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[Laughter]
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00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:06,498
Look at this dais:
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00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:09,498
Roseanne, Ellen, Jane,
Carrie, Kate.
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You ladies are like the women's
olympic gymnastics team:
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Tired, overheated and you don't
get your periods anymore.
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[Laughter]
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00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:20,291
I haven't seen
this much loose skin
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since Jane lynch's circumcision.
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[Laughter]
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I don't wanna mess
with you, Jane.
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I know your fans
will eat my pussy alive.
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[Laughter]
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I'm sorry.
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00:10:37,499 --> 00:10:39,498
I cannot stop looking
at Ellen barkin.
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You are so sexy.
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[Cheers and applause]
248
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Yeah, Jane,
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is it weird to see what
you would look like as a woman?
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[Laughter]
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That's weird.
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I think it's weird.
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Wayne Brady's here.
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[Cheers and applause]
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00:10:54,499 --> 00:10:55,498
Wayne...
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You are crazy talented.
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You're so brilliant.
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Why doesn't anyone care?
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00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:05,498
No one up here
can do what you do.
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In fact, when someone
even mentions
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whose line is it anyway?,
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00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:10,498
Carrie fisher yells out, "mine!"
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[Laughter]
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'Cause you're a drug addict,
right.
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Um...
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No, but Carrie,
you've cut more lines
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than a crippled kid
at Disneyland.
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00:11:22,499 --> 00:11:25,499
[Groaning laughter]
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Ellen barkin is here.
270
00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:32,498
Ellen caught a lot of flack
this year
271
00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:34,498
for dating a man half her age.
272
00:11:34,499 --> 00:11:36,498
So what, you're dating
a 43-year-old!
273
00:11:36,499 --> 00:11:39,499
[Laughter]
274
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:43,498
I don't see the problem.
275
00:11:43,499 --> 00:11:44,498
- Good joke.
276
00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:46,498
- Ellen has married some
of the richest men in the world.
277
00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,498
Now, I'm not sayin'
she's a gold digger,
278
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,498
but she ain't messing
with no broke Wayne Bradys.
279
00:11:50,499 --> 00:11:51,958
You know what I'm sayin'?
280
00:11:51,959 --> 00:11:55,498
[Laughter]
281
00:11:55,499 --> 00:11:57,498
Ellen's been quoted as saying
282
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,498
she's slept her way
to the middle.
283
00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:00,498
Wow, you've really inspired
young women
284
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:02,498
to put their best clit forward.
285
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:03,498
[Laughter]
286
00:12:03,499 --> 00:12:05,498
Oh, I'm sorry.
287
00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:08,498
Seth, a clit is this small...
288
00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:09,498
You won't need
to worry about it.
289
00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:12,498
Yeah, just take it down.
290
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,498
Seth is here representing
the lollipop guild.
291
00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:15,498
Thank you.
292
00:12:15,499 --> 00:12:19,498
[Cheers and applause]
293
00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:20,498
For over 30 years,
294
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:23,498
Seth green has been one
of Hollywood's top child actors.
295
00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:26,498
[Laughter]
296
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,498
Speaking of children...
297
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:31,498
Gilbert, God, you look like
a tiny Asian kid.
298
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:33,498
Hang around long enough
299
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:35,498
and Jane and her wife
will try and adopt you.
300
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:38,499
[Laughter]
301
00:12:40,499 --> 00:12:42,498
Jeff Ross is still gross.
302
00:12:42,499 --> 00:12:45,498
Jeff Ross...
303
00:12:45,499 --> 00:12:52,498
Jeff, you look like krusty the
clown dressed as Joe paterno.
304
00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:54,498
Think it'll help for all
your work at children's parties.
305
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:55,498
[Whistle tweeting]
306
00:12:55,499 --> 00:13:00,498
Is that a rape whistle?
307
00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:02,498
Jeff, you look worse
308
00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:03,498
than when I started
this sentence.
309
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,498
How did you do that?
310
00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:08,499
[Laughter]
311
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:11,498
Which brings me
to Michael Moore--
312
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,498
I mean roseanne barr.
313
00:13:13,499 --> 00:13:16,499
[Laughter]
314
00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:18,498
I'm such a fan.
315
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:19,498
Roseanne bought a nut farm--
316
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,498
a nut farm--
317
00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:23,498
which is also the nickname
for Ellen barkin's mouth
318
00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:24,498
in an audition.
319
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,499
[Laughter]
320
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498
- Amy, what did
I ever do to you?
321
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:32,498
- You just swallowed
a ton of ejaculate.
322
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,498
That's all that joke is saying.
323
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:37,498
[Laughter]
324
00:13:37,499 --> 00:13:39,498
Roseanne,
you have the voice of a parakeet
325
00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:44,498
and the face of
a much fatter parakeet.
326
00:13:44,499 --> 00:13:45,498
You know you're unattractive
327
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,498
when Sara Gilbert
is the eye candy on set.
328
00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:50,498
[Laughter]
329
00:13:50,499 --> 00:13:54,498
Honestly, you look
so beautiful now, it's--
330
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,498
it was hard to write jokes
about you.
331
00:13:56,499 --> 00:13:57,666
It just--it's too bad
you didn't look like this
332
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:58,708
when it mattered!
333
00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:00,498
- [Laughs]
334
00:14:00,499 --> 00:14:03,498
[Laughter]
335
00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:04,498
- You look gorgeous.
336
00:14:04,499 --> 00:14:06,498
I was surprised
you were running for president.
337
00:14:06,499 --> 00:14:08,498
I think a lot of people
just couldn't picture you,
338
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:09,498
like, running.
339
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,498
Uh...
340
00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:14,498
But truthfully,
you've been making people laugh
341
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498
and feel better for as long
as I can remember.
342
00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:17,498
And you're one
of my personal heroes.
343
00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:18,498
I'm honored to be here.
344
00:14:18,499 --> 00:14:19,498
Thank you so much.
345
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:21,498
- Well, thank you so much.
346
00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:23,498
Thank you.
So funny.
347
00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:26,499
[Cheers and applause]
348
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,733
Seth is the man he is today
349
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:41,068
because his mom smoked
during pregnancy.
350
00:14:41,069 --> 00:14:43,733
Please welcome the only person
here tonight
351
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,733
that wants another
Austin powers movie:
352
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:46,733
Seth green!
353
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:49,734
[Cheers and applause]
354
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,733
- Wow, Jane lynch!
355
00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,733
Seriously, you are one
of my favorite comic actors.
356
00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:57,733
I don't care what anybody says.
357
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,733
Jane lynch is the funniest man
in America.
358
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:03,733
So I'm ready for all of you
to come up here tonight
359
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:06,733
and do your stupid jokes
about my height.
360
00:15:06,734 --> 00:15:07,817
I even spent five minutes
writing a rebuttal.
361
00:15:07,818 --> 00:15:09,733
I would have spent more time,
362
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,733
but unlike the rest of you,
I have a job.
363
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:14,068
[Laughter]
364
00:15:14,069 --> 00:15:15,733
Granted,
it's on cartoon network,
365
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:16,733
but still, I don't have to sleep
in my car
366
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,733
and wait a year
for the next roast.
367
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:21,733
[Laughter]
368
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,733
Carrie fisher is here.
369
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:25,733
[Cheers and applause]
370
00:15:25,734 --> 00:15:28,733
Carrie and I go way back to
the first Austin powers movie
371
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:30,733
where she played a therapist.
372
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:33,733
There's no irony there.
373
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:36,733
Carrie used to be paid a lot
to take work as a screenwriter,
374
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:37,733
and now the only scripts
she takes
375
00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:40,734
are from her friends'
medicine cabinets.
376
00:15:44,734 --> 00:15:46,733
But I'm really glad you're here.
377
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:48,733
It is a nerd's dream
to be on the same show
378
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:50,733
with Carrie fisher
and Amy schumer...
379
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:53,733
Princess Leia
and princess blow ya.
380
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,733
[Laughter]
381
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:56,733
That's true.
382
00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:58,733
Amy, at least you've got a part
in the new Steve carell movie:
383
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,733
Seeking a friendfor the end of the world.
384
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:01,733
Congratulations.
385
00:16:01,734 --> 00:16:03,733
It's a great change of pace
from your usual:
386
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:05,733
Seeking a dick
for the end of the night.
387
00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:07,733
[Laughter]
388
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:08,733
- I mean, yeah.
389
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,733
I can't believe Ellen barkin
is here tonight.
390
00:16:10,734 --> 00:16:13,733
[Cheers and applause]
391
00:16:13,734 --> 00:16:15,733
I got so excited
when she looked at me backstage
392
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,733
with that sexy, crooked smile.
393
00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:20,733
But actually wasn't sure if
she was saying, "I'm into you,"
394
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:21,733
or, "help, I'm having a stroke!"
395
00:16:21,734 --> 00:16:24,734
[Laughter]
396
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:27,733
Jeff Ross is an old friend.
397
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:29,733
He's got a new show
on comedy central
398
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:31,733
where he roasts the news.
399
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:33,733
It'll be perfect for people
who find jon Stewart
400
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:35,733
too handsome and funny.
401
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:39,733
[Laughter]
402
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,733
I'm looking forward to it.
403
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,733
Wayne Brady is an old friend
of mine too.
404
00:16:43,734 --> 00:16:45,733
People have said on
whose line is it anyway?
405
00:16:45,734 --> 00:16:46,733
Wayne Brady
wasn't black enough,
406
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,733
and so to show people
that he's a real player,
407
00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:51,733
he got a job
as a game show host.
408
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:54,733
[Laughter]
409
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:57,733
That's gonna--
that's gonna show 'em.
410
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:58,733
Gilbert gottfried.
411
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,733
I don't know
why you squint a lot.
412
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,733
We're the ones
who have to look at you.
413
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:03,733
[Laughter]
414
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:07,733
[Cheers and applause]
415
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:08,733
Katey sagal, I've known you
416
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,733
since you did
married with children
417
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:11,733
when I was doing
the facts of life
418
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:12,733
on the gower stages.
419
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:13,733
[Chuckles]
420
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:15,733
And now you're a star
on the sons of anarchy,
421
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:16,733
a show that your husband wrote.
422
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:19,733
You are literally the only
actress in Hollywood
423
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,733
who got cast on a show
by fucking a writer.
424
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:24,733
[Laughter]
425
00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:26,733
But I'm here tonight
because of roseanne,
426
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:27,733
our guest of honor.
427
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:31,733
[Cheers and applause]
428
00:17:31,734 --> 00:17:32,733
Roseanne, you need another show.
429
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:34,733
You do.
430
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:35,733
You're spending way too much
time on Twitter.
431
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:37,733
It is...
432
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:38,733
It's--
it's downright annoying.
433
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:39,733
Yeah.
434
00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:40,733
I tweet a lot,
435
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:41,733
but you tweet more than big bird
436
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:44,733
when he's getting ass-raped.
437
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,733
It's intense.
438
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:47,733
And the last time
I saw roseanne,
439
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,733
she was in
a snickers commercial.
440
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:52,733
Because that's what America
is thinking.
441
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,733
"I wanna eat what she's eating!"
442
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:58,733
[Laughter]
443
00:17:58,734 --> 00:17:59,733
And most of all, roseanne,
444
00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:01,733
I loved seeing princess Leia
strangle you with a chain
445
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:02,733
at the end of
"return of the jedi."
446
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:06,733
[Laughter]
447
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:07,733
But you've always been
an inspiration,
448
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:09,733
and you've never hid anything
about yourself,
449
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:10,733
and I love you for that.
450
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,733
- Oh, thank you.
451
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:21,733
[Cheers and applause]
452
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,733
- Our next roaster
is katey sagal.
453
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:26,733
[Cheers and applause]
454
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:30,733
You may remember her for her
sitcom, married with children.
455
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:33,733
She is currently starring
in sons of anarchy
456
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:36,733
as a vicious, vicious criminal.
457
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:39,733
And she's here tonight
to finally kill her career.
458
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,733
Please welcome, katey sagal!
459
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:44,734
[Cheers and applause]
460
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:50,733
- Oh...
461
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:51,733
Thank you, Jane.
462
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,733
I have been a fan of your work
463
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:55,733
since you were cutting down
the redwoods
464
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:56,733
with your big blue ox.
465
00:18:56,734 --> 00:18:58,733
[Laughter]
466
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:01,733
Uh, I'm not sure
if you know this,
467
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:04,733
but Jane came out to her parents
in a letter.
468
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,733
There hasn't been a letter
that unnecessary
469
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:08,733
since the "p" in pneumonia.
470
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:11,733
[Laughter]
471
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,733
Ellen barkin is here.
472
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:15,733
Ellen, you are a survivor.
473
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:16,733
When your second marriage
fell apart,
474
00:19:16,734 --> 00:19:19,733
you didn't sit around feeling
sorry for yourself.
475
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:22,733
You took your
$40 million settlement and pa--
476
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:23,733
- $20!
477
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:26,733
- Your $20 million settlement--
whatever!
478
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:28,733
- Don't exaggerate!
479
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,733
My kids think
they're richer than we are.
480
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,733
- You took all that money,
481
00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:34,733
and you paid someone else
to sit around
482
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:38,733
and feel sorry for you.
483
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,733
And Amy schumer...
484
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:42,733
You know, this business
can really be tough on women.
485
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:45,733
Many of them develop
eating disorders
486
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:46,733
in an effort to be thin.
487
00:19:46,734 --> 00:19:48,733
It's just a suggestion.
488
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:51,734
[Laughter]
489
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,733
Speaking of things
that are thin,
490
00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:59,733
it's so good to see Seth green.
491
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:02,733
Seth, you being here
marks the first time
492
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:05,733
someone your size
has been on comedy central
493
00:20:05,734 --> 00:20:08,733
without Jeff Dunham's
hand up their ass.
494
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:11,733
[Laughter]
495
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:13,733
- Trailblazer. That's me.
496
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:16,733
- It's also really good
to see Wayne Brady.
497
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:19,733
Wayne is where kind of talented,
kind of funny,
498
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:20,733
kind of black meet.
499
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:24,733
[Laughter]
500
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:27,733
And then there's Jane lynch.
501
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,733
Jane, you were named one
502
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:33,733
of power up's ten amazing gay
women in show biz.
503
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,733
[Cheers and applause]
504
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:38,733
Quite an honor, even if
there are only seven of you.
505
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,733
[Laughter]
506
00:20:41,734 --> 00:20:43,733
Jeff Ross was also on the list
507
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:47,733
after they confused him
for being a lesbian...
508
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,733
And also for being in show biz.
509
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:52,733
[Laughter]
510
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:53,733
And I gotta say
511
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:56,733
it's great to see roseanne
back in the spotlight.
512
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:57,733
- Thank you.
513
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,733
[Cheers and applause]
514
00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:00,733
Thank you, katey.
515
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:03,733
- I mean, you know,
technically it's two spotlights,
516
00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:06,733
but you get the idea.
517
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:09,733
Roseanne was
a trailblazing comedy icon
518
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:11,733
who created the character
519
00:21:11,734 --> 00:21:13,733
of an irreverent,
smart-talking mom
520
00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:16,733
that no one had ever seen
since I did it
521
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,733
on married with children
the year before.
522
00:21:18,734 --> 00:21:20,733
[Cheers and applause]
523
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:22,733
- That's right!
524
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:26,733
- Go fox!
525
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:28,733
- Roseanne broke
into the reality world
526
00:21:28,734 --> 00:21:30,733
with roseanne's nuts,
527
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:33,733
a show about her
and boyfriend Johnny argent
528
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:36,733
running a macadamia farm.
529
00:21:36,734 --> 00:21:38,733
Finally, a show that combined
America's love
530
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:43,733
for macadamia nuts with
their passion for Johnny argent.
531
00:21:43,734 --> 00:21:46,734
[Laughter]
532
00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:51,733
Roseanne, I feel honored
that you and I broke new ground
533
00:21:51,734 --> 00:21:54,733
as TV moms who didn't cook,
didn't clean,
534
00:21:54,734 --> 00:21:57,733
and didn't make any money.
535
00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:59,733
In the '90s,
that made you a bad mom,
536
00:21:59,734 --> 00:22:02,733
but today
it makes you mitt romney's wife.
537
00:22:02,734 --> 00:22:05,734
[Cheers and applause]
538
00:22:07,734 --> 00:22:09,733
As an advocate for justice,
539
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:11,733
you are willing
to speak for the voiceless many
540
00:22:11,734 --> 00:22:13,733
as well as the many voices.
541
00:22:13,734 --> 00:22:15,733
All of whom are in your head,
542
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:18,733
telling you to eat it, fuck it,
543
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:20,733
fire it, or run for president.
544
00:22:20,734 --> 00:22:23,733
Roseanne, thank you so much
545
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:24,733
for asking me
to be a part of this.
546
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:26,733
- Thank you, katey.
547
00:22:26,734 --> 00:22:27,733
Thank you, honey.
548
00:22:27,734 --> 00:22:31,733
So funny.
549
00:22:31,734 --> 00:22:34,733
- Nice!
550
00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:36,734
- Katey!
551
00:22:40,390 --> 00:22:43,389
- Our next roaster is Jeff Ross.
552
00:22:43,390 --> 00:22:46,682
[Cheers and applause]
553
00:22:46,683 --> 00:22:48,389
Jeff just finished
a national tour
554
00:22:48,390 --> 00:22:51,389
which makes him the only man
who has jerked off
555
00:22:51,390 --> 00:22:54,389
in more theaters
than Fred Willard.
556
00:22:54,390 --> 00:22:56,389
Please welcome
the roastmaster general,
557
00:22:56,390 --> 00:22:58,389
Jeff Ross!
558
00:22:58,390 --> 00:23:01,390
[Cheers and applause]
559
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:04,389
- Whoo!
560
00:23:04,390 --> 00:23:05,389
Yeah!
561
00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:07,389
Fantastic!
562
00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:08,389
Give it up for your, uh,
host tonight,
563
00:23:08,390 --> 00:23:09,389
denis leary!
564
00:23:09,390 --> 00:23:13,389
[Laughter]
565
00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:15,389
I see Chris is here from glee.
566
00:23:15,390 --> 00:23:16,389
This, uh, this is so cool.
567
00:23:16,390 --> 00:23:18,389
I love glee.
568
00:23:18,390 --> 00:23:20,389
- Jane, it's my favorite show.
It really is.
569
00:23:20,390 --> 00:23:23,389
Except for the one time
they let you sing.
570
00:23:23,390 --> 00:23:25,389
I haven't heard sounds
that disturbing
571
00:23:25,390 --> 00:23:28,016
since I hung out
in sandusky's basement.
572
00:23:28,017 --> 00:23:31,389
[Groaning]
573
00:23:31,390 --> 00:23:37,389
What, too soon
for the glee jokes?
574
00:23:37,390 --> 00:23:39,389
Folks, if you're offended
by what you see tonight,
575
00:23:39,390 --> 00:23:42,389
just do what Joe paterno did.
576
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:46,389
Look the other way.
577
00:23:46,390 --> 00:23:48,389
Again, Jane,
thank you for hosting.
578
00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:50,389
You are probably
the most beloved person
579
00:23:50,390 --> 00:23:51,389
in comedy right now.
580
00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:54,389
I mean, before the show,
I even heard the crowd chanting:
581
00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:56,389
"Lynch! Lynch! Lynch!"
582
00:23:56,390 --> 00:23:59,389
And that was just during
Wayne Brady's introduction.
583
00:23:59,390 --> 00:24:03,389
[Laughter]
584
00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:05,389
- Wow.
585
00:24:05,390 --> 00:24:07,389
- Wait, is that Wayne Brady,
586
00:24:07,390 --> 00:24:11,389
or did Al jolson forget
to take off his makeup?
587
00:24:11,390 --> 00:24:13,389
Mammy!
588
00:24:13,390 --> 00:24:14,389
How did you make a career
589
00:24:14,390 --> 00:24:16,389
out of corporate
team building exercises?
590
00:24:16,390 --> 00:24:19,390
[Laughter]
591
00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:23,389
If you're just turning in,
592
00:24:23,390 --> 00:24:25,389
no, this is not
a lifetime original movie.
593
00:24:25,390 --> 00:24:27,389
[Laughter]
594
00:24:27,390 --> 00:24:29,389
- Yay!
595
00:24:29,390 --> 00:24:32,389
- Thank you.
596
00:24:32,390 --> 00:24:34,389
- Ellen barkin, you've always
been ahead of your time:
597
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:38,389
You were voted hottest woman
over 50 at age 36.
598
00:24:38,390 --> 00:24:41,389
[Laughter]
599
00:24:41,390 --> 00:24:43,389
Carrie fisher,
make yourself comfortable:
600
00:24:43,390 --> 00:24:47,389
Chain yourself
to roseanne's chair.
601
00:24:47,390 --> 00:24:48,389
- What does that mean?
602
00:24:48,390 --> 00:24:49,389
I don't even get that.
603
00:24:49,390 --> 00:24:52,389
- It's a fuckin'
star wars joke.
604
00:24:52,390 --> 00:24:54,389
- Oh!
605
00:24:54,390 --> 00:24:55,389
I don't even get it.
606
00:24:55,390 --> 00:24:56,389
You should know.
607
00:24:56,390 --> 00:24:58,389
You're dressed
like Yoda's grandma.
608
00:24:58,390 --> 00:25:01,390
[Laughter]
609
00:25:05,390 --> 00:25:06,389
I'm telling you,
610
00:25:06,390 --> 00:25:08,389
this roast doesn't take
commercial breaks,
611
00:25:08,390 --> 00:25:12,389
it takes a menopause.
612
00:25:12,390 --> 00:25:13,389
And Anthony,
613
00:25:13,390 --> 00:25:16,389
I'm hearing you're very excited
about your new pilot:
614
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:18,389
John Travolta.
615
00:25:18,390 --> 00:25:23,389
[Laughter]
616
00:25:23,390 --> 00:25:26,389
I see the world's ugliest
motherfucker, Gilbert gottfried,
617
00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:29,389
is here tonight.
618
00:25:29,390 --> 00:25:31,389
You look like Benjamin button
when he was six.
619
00:25:31,390 --> 00:25:34,390
[Laughter]
620
00:25:37,390 --> 00:25:41,389
Gilbert's kept a low profile
since he was fired from aflac
621
00:25:41,390 --> 00:25:44,389
just for writing
an insensitive tweet.
622
00:25:44,390 --> 00:25:46,389
Gilbert, if you want to tweet
about a disaster tonight,
623
00:25:46,390 --> 00:25:49,390
tweet about Ellen barkin's
makeup.
624
00:25:51,390 --> 00:25:54,389
Too soon.
Too soon.
625
00:25:54,390 --> 00:25:56,389
- No, too good.
626
00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:57,389
- You do, you look beautiful.
627
00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:01,389
[Cheers and applause]
628
00:26:01,390 --> 00:26:03,389
I gotta hand it to you.
629
00:26:03,390 --> 00:26:04,389
You've been tortured
and abused all night,
630
00:26:04,390 --> 00:26:06,389
and you're still hanging
in there.
631
00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:07,389
- Who me?
632
00:26:07,390 --> 00:26:08,389
- Roseanne,
I'm not talking to you.
633
00:26:08,390 --> 00:26:10,389
I'm talking to the chair
you're sitting on.
634
00:26:10,390 --> 00:26:13,390
[Laughter]
635
00:26:16,390 --> 00:26:17,389
Oh, wait.
You know what?
636
00:26:17,390 --> 00:26:20,389
Normally when I roast a pig,
it has an apple in its mouth.
637
00:26:20,390 --> 00:26:23,389
[Audience gasps]
638
00:26:23,390 --> 00:26:26,390
[Cheers and applause]
639
00:26:29,390 --> 00:26:30,389
After our last roast I said,
640
00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,389
"we need someone even bigger
than Charlie sheen,"
641
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:37,389
but this isn't what I meant.
642
00:26:37,390 --> 00:26:38,389
Last year we roasted Charlie,
643
00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:40,389
this year we're roasting
the chocolate factory.
644
00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,389
- The what?
645
00:26:42,390 --> 00:26:44,389
What's that joke?
646
00:26:44,390 --> 00:26:45,389
- You want me to explain
the fuckin' jokes to you?
647
00:26:45,390 --> 00:26:48,389
- I didn't hear it.
What was it?
648
00:26:48,390 --> 00:26:49,389
- It means you're fat.
649
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,389
- Oh.
Okay.
650
00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:53,389
[Laughter]
651
00:26:53,390 --> 00:26:54,389
- I'm looking forward
to your new show,
652
00:26:54,390 --> 00:26:56,389
"tons of anarchy."
653
00:26:56,390 --> 00:26:59,389
[Laughter]
654
00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:01,389
Instead of
running for president,
655
00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:05,389
why don't you try walking
on a treadmill?
656
00:27:05,390 --> 00:27:06,389
I'd vote for you,
657
00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:08,389
but I'm against big government!
658
00:27:08,390 --> 00:27:09,389
- Oh!
659
00:27:09,390 --> 00:27:11,389
- Roseanne joined
the green party
660
00:27:11,390 --> 00:27:12,389
'cause she was kicked out
of the tea party
661
00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,389
for eating all the crumpets.
662
00:27:14,390 --> 00:27:16,389
[Laughter]
663
00:27:16,390 --> 00:27:18,389
- Whoo!
Nice one.
664
00:27:18,390 --> 00:27:20,389
- How many personalities
do you have, eight, nine?
665
00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:22,389
What is it?
666
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,389
What are the odds
they'd all be cunts?
667
00:27:24,390 --> 00:27:27,390
[Laughter]
668
00:27:28,390 --> 00:27:32,389
- Comedy comes from pain,
people.
669
00:27:32,390 --> 00:27:35,389
And nobody knows that better
than this woman,
670
00:27:35,390 --> 00:27:37,389
the legendary roseanne barr.
671
00:27:37,390 --> 00:27:40,389
[Cheers and applause]
672
00:27:40,390 --> 00:27:42,389
[Sighs]
673
00:27:42,390 --> 00:27:44,389
Who was molested as a child.
674
00:27:44,390 --> 00:27:46,389
Oh...
675
00:27:46,390 --> 00:27:51,389
That poor molester.
676
00:27:51,390 --> 00:27:53,389
Roseanne never got over it.
677
00:27:53,390 --> 00:27:55,389
She felt violated.
678
00:27:55,390 --> 00:27:57,389
She had trust issues.
679
00:27:57,390 --> 00:28:00,389
She never got the candy
he promised her.
680
00:28:00,390 --> 00:28:03,389
[Laughter]
681
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:07,389
Roseanne, I've always loved you
for saying whatever you want,
682
00:28:07,390 --> 00:28:08,389
for never holding back.
683
00:28:08,390 --> 00:28:10,389
And in these alarming times
684
00:28:10,390 --> 00:28:12,389
when comedians
are second-guessing
685
00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:13,389
their imaginations
686
00:28:13,390 --> 00:28:15,389
and sometimes even apologizing
for jokes,
687
00:28:15,390 --> 00:28:20,389
I consider you a hero
and a martyr and a friend.
688
00:28:20,390 --> 00:28:21,389
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
689
00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:22,389
I love you.
690
00:28:22,390 --> 00:28:23,389
Thanks.
691
00:28:23,390 --> 00:28:25,389
[Cheers and applause]
692
00:28:25,390 --> 00:28:29,389
Now I'm gonna take Seth green
and hit the showers!
693
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:30,389
Thank you.
694
00:28:30,390 --> 00:28:33,390
[Cheers and applause]
695
00:28:42,928 --> 00:28:45,927
Our next roaster is Wayne Brady.
696
00:28:45,928 --> 00:28:48,927
Wayne said
he got his inspiration
697
00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:51,927
when he watched a summer camp
production of hello Dolly
698
00:28:51,928 --> 00:28:53,927
and thought,
"that's what I wanna do...
699
00:28:53,928 --> 00:28:54,927
Be gay."
700
00:28:54,928 --> 00:28:56,927
[Laughter]
701
00:28:56,928 --> 00:28:57,927
Please welcome Wayne Brady.
702
00:28:57,928 --> 00:29:00,928
[Cheers and applause]
703
00:29:04,928 --> 00:29:06,927
- Thank you so much, Jane.
704
00:29:06,928 --> 00:29:08,927
Now this is comedy central.
705
00:29:08,928 --> 00:29:10,927
Don't make me choke a butch.
706
00:29:10,928 --> 00:29:11,927
[Laughter]
707
00:29:11,928 --> 00:29:12,927
Just sayin'.
708
00:29:12,928 --> 00:29:14,927
Just sayin'.
709
00:29:14,928 --> 00:29:15,927
I just wanna let you know
710
00:29:15,928 --> 00:29:17,927
there'll be no giving
away of prizes,
711
00:29:17,928 --> 00:29:18,927
none of that shit.
712
00:29:18,928 --> 00:29:20,927
No making up songs, singing.
713
00:29:20,928 --> 00:29:22,927
I'm 'bout to tell the truth
right here
714
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,927
on this motherfucking stage
tonight.
715
00:29:24,928 --> 00:29:26,927
[Cheers and applause]
716
00:29:26,928 --> 00:29:28,927
I have to preach a little bit.
717
00:29:28,928 --> 00:29:29,927
I have to preach.
718
00:29:29,928 --> 00:29:30,927
Carrie fisher.
719
00:29:30,928 --> 00:29:32,927
Carrie,
you are the only celebrity
720
00:29:32,928 --> 00:29:34,927
whose action figure
is worth more than you are.
721
00:29:34,928 --> 00:29:39,927
[Laughter]
722
00:29:39,928 --> 00:29:42,927
Ellen barkin,
so, so good to see you.
723
00:29:42,928 --> 00:29:45,927
You--you are hot.
724
00:29:45,928 --> 00:29:49,927
So, Ellen, uh, picture me, you,
725
00:29:49,928 --> 00:29:54,927
red wine, candlelight,
a time machine.
726
00:29:54,928 --> 00:29:59,927
[Laughter]
727
00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:01,927
No, I would fuck you.
728
00:30:01,928 --> 00:30:04,927
Amy schumer,
I wouldn't fuck you.
729
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:08,927
I wouldn't fuck you if you used
watermelon-flavored vagisil
730
00:30:08,928 --> 00:30:09,927
while wearing
a fried chicken g-string
731
00:30:09,928 --> 00:30:12,927
and a j.J. Walker
dy-no-mite t-shirt
732
00:30:12,928 --> 00:30:14,927
with soulja boy
in the background.
733
00:30:14,928 --> 00:30:17,927
[Cheers and applause]
734
00:30:17,928 --> 00:30:19,927
I wouldn't.
735
00:30:19,928 --> 00:30:20,927
I wouldn't, I wouldn't.
736
00:30:20,928 --> 00:30:22,970
You couldn't get
a black dude to fuck you
737
00:30:22,971 --> 00:30:25,927
if you were on the set
of a brand new Tyler Perry movie
738
00:30:25,928 --> 00:30:27,927
called "how to get
a black dude to fuck you."
739
00:30:27,928 --> 00:30:30,927
[Laughter]
740
00:30:30,928 --> 00:30:31,927
- That's okay.
741
00:30:31,928 --> 00:30:33,927
- That's all right.
742
00:30:33,928 --> 00:30:34,927
Jeff Ross.
743
00:30:34,928 --> 00:30:35,927
Jeff...
744
00:30:35,928 --> 00:30:37,927
Oh, and by the way,
745
00:30:37,928 --> 00:30:39,927
those Al jolson jokes
go over big with the kids.
746
00:30:39,928 --> 00:30:41,927
Um...
747
00:30:41,928 --> 00:30:44,927
Yeah, you are current as fuck.
748
00:30:44,928 --> 00:30:47,927
Now the thing is, Jeff,
these are all jokes,
749
00:30:47,928 --> 00:30:48,927
and I really like you.
750
00:30:48,928 --> 00:30:49,927
I really, really like you,
751
00:30:49,928 --> 00:30:50,927
but a lotta people hate you,
752
00:30:50,928 --> 00:30:52,927
especially Sarah Palin,
753
00:30:52,928 --> 00:30:55,927
because you remind her of what
trig's gonna look like
754
00:30:55,928 --> 00:30:56,927
when he's forty.
755
00:30:56,928 --> 00:30:59,927
[Laughter]
756
00:30:59,928 --> 00:31:01,927
And, uh...
757
00:31:01,928 --> 00:31:02,927
[Mixed booing]
758
00:31:02,928 --> 00:31:04,927
Oh, now you boo me?
759
00:31:04,928 --> 00:31:05,927
Fuck y'all.
760
00:31:05,928 --> 00:31:06,927
Don't wanna hear that.
761
00:31:06,928 --> 00:31:08,927
These people say
all this shit about me,
762
00:31:08,928 --> 00:31:12,927
and you boo me because of trig.
763
00:31:12,928 --> 00:31:14,927
And now to the reason
that we're all here:
764
00:31:14,928 --> 00:31:15,927
Roseanne barr.
765
00:31:15,928 --> 00:31:19,927
[Cheers and applause]
766
00:31:19,928 --> 00:31:22,927
You have overcome a lot
to make it in Hollywood,
767
00:31:22,928 --> 00:31:23,927
and that's why I love you.
768
00:31:23,928 --> 00:31:25,927
Bad marriages,
769
00:31:25,928 --> 00:31:26,927
mental illness,
770
00:31:26,928 --> 00:31:29,927
plus you look like roseanne.
771
00:31:29,928 --> 00:31:31,927
[Laughter]
772
00:31:31,928 --> 00:31:35,927
You're oversized, beat-up,
and you reek of marijuana.
773
00:31:35,928 --> 00:31:36,927
You're...
774
00:31:36,928 --> 00:31:37,927
- That's Jeff Ross!
775
00:31:37,928 --> 00:31:41,927
- You're kinda like
Willie Nelson's tour bus.
776
00:31:41,928 --> 00:31:44,927
Except people
still wanna ride that.
777
00:31:44,928 --> 00:31:46,927
[Laughter]
778
00:31:46,928 --> 00:31:48,927
And now all that being said,
779
00:31:48,928 --> 00:31:51,927
I really think that you're,
you're a comedic gem,
780
00:31:51,928 --> 00:31:52,927
and I thank you
for letting me be here.
781
00:31:52,928 --> 00:31:54,927
- Thank you.
782
00:31:54,928 --> 00:31:56,927
- And on behalf of--of
intelligent brothers everywhere
783
00:31:56,928 --> 00:31:57,927
who get jokes like this,
784
00:31:57,928 --> 00:32:00,927
you can suck my big,
black, Carlton-looking,
785
00:32:00,928 --> 00:32:01,927
game-show-hosting,
improv-doing,
786
00:32:01,928 --> 00:32:03,927
Asian-fucking, maid-having,
rich ass.
787
00:32:03,928 --> 00:32:04,927
Thank you.
Good night.
788
00:32:04,928 --> 00:32:07,928
[Cheers and applause]
789
00:32:10,928 --> 00:32:12,927
- Love you.
Thank you so much.
790
00:32:12,928 --> 00:32:14,928
- Thank you for having me.
791
00:32:15,928 --> 00:32:17,927
- Our next roaster
is Carrie fisher.
792
00:32:17,928 --> 00:32:22,927
[Cheers and applause]
793
00:32:22,928 --> 00:32:24,927
She became famous
for traveling into space.
794
00:32:24,928 --> 00:32:26,927
Now she can be seen from it.
795
00:32:26,928 --> 00:32:29,927
May the force help her
get out of that seat.
796
00:32:29,928 --> 00:32:30,927
Please welcome Carrie fisher!
797
00:32:30,928 --> 00:32:33,928
[Cheers and applause]
798
00:32:39,928 --> 00:32:41,927
- Okay,
thank you!
799
00:32:41,928 --> 00:32:46,927
There is nothing funnier
than a good menstruation joke.
800
00:32:46,928 --> 00:32:49,927
Unfortunately, there
haven't been any tonight, but...
801
00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:52,927
Uh, okay, so...
802
00:32:52,928 --> 00:32:54,927
I am Carrie.
I'm an alcoholic.
803
00:32:54,928 --> 00:32:56,927
All right, roseanne--
804
00:32:56,928 --> 00:32:59,927
and I can't say
"oops, wrong room."
805
00:32:59,928 --> 00:33:04,927
Roseanne, when they first asked
me to do the show tonight,
806
00:33:04,928 --> 00:33:07,927
I said, "why?"
807
00:33:07,928 --> 00:33:09,927
Uh, and then they explained that
we were actually good friends
808
00:33:09,928 --> 00:33:13,927
and that we apparently--
we have worked together.
809
00:33:13,928 --> 00:33:16,927
Uh...
810
00:33:16,928 --> 00:33:19,927
Did you know I wrote
an episode of your show?
811
00:33:19,928 --> 00:33:21,927
- I do.
812
00:33:21,928 --> 00:33:22,927
- I didn't know that, but...
813
00:33:22,928 --> 00:33:24,927
[Laughter]
814
00:33:24,928 --> 00:33:25,927
It must be true.
- It's true.
815
00:33:25,928 --> 00:33:27,927
- You know,
'cause they read it online,
816
00:33:27,928 --> 00:33:31,927
next to the posting about how
much I looked like Elton John.
817
00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:33,927
Um...
818
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:37,927
So as you may have noticed
about me,
819
00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,927
yes, I do have big tits,
820
00:33:39,928 --> 00:33:42,927
but also,
I am mentally ill.
821
00:33:42,928 --> 00:33:43,927
Um, but...
822
00:33:43,928 --> 00:33:45,927
- Yay!
823
00:33:45,928 --> 00:33:47,927
- Thank you.
Thank you.
824
00:33:47,928 --> 00:33:49,927
Makes this a lot easier.
Believe me.
825
00:33:49,928 --> 00:33:51,927
Um...
826
00:33:51,928 --> 00:33:54,927
But you know I'm not
the only one.
827
00:33:54,928 --> 00:33:56,927
Uh, Jeff Ross...
828
00:33:56,928 --> 00:33:57,927
- Oh!
829
00:33:57,928 --> 00:34:00,927
- God, you give so much
of yourself
830
00:34:00,928 --> 00:34:03,927
entertaining our troops
overseas.
831
00:34:03,928 --> 00:34:05,927
Not by doing stand-up.
832
00:34:05,928 --> 00:34:08,927
They just like watching fat guys
get out of helicopters.
833
00:34:08,928 --> 00:34:11,927
[Laughter]
834
00:34:11,928 --> 00:34:13,927
Uh, there you go.
835
00:34:13,928 --> 00:34:17,927
Speaking of electro convulsive
therapy, um...
836
00:34:17,928 --> 00:34:19,927
I learned two things tonight
837
00:34:19,928 --> 00:34:22,927
bumping into Seth green
backstage:
838
00:34:22,928 --> 00:34:25,927
He is a big star wars fan,
839
00:34:25,928 --> 00:34:27,927
and I apparently was
in star wars.
840
00:34:27,928 --> 00:34:29,927
[Laughter]
841
00:34:29,928 --> 00:34:32,927
So...
842
00:34:32,928 --> 00:34:35,927
Amazing.
That must have been great.
843
00:34:35,928 --> 00:34:38,927
Uh, you know...
844
00:34:38,928 --> 00:34:41,927
Now, uh, Wayne Brady...
845
00:34:41,928 --> 00:34:43,927
How are you?
846
00:34:43,928 --> 00:34:45,927
You're so white that I--
847
00:34:45,928 --> 00:34:48,927
I tried to snort you backstage,
didn't I?
848
00:34:48,928 --> 00:34:50,927
I'm sorry.
849
00:34:50,928 --> 00:34:51,927
[Laughter]
850
00:34:51,928 --> 00:34:52,927
[Cheers and applause]
851
00:34:52,928 --> 00:34:54,927
- Wow.
852
00:34:54,928 --> 00:34:58,927
- Now, uh,
I have seen Gilbert gottfried
853
00:34:58,928 --> 00:35:00,927
at 12-step meetings.
854
00:35:00,928 --> 00:35:03,927
Uh, even though he was not
actually there.
855
00:35:03,928 --> 00:35:07,927
They, uh, they held a picture up
of him, and they said,
856
00:35:07,928 --> 00:35:09,927
"if you fuck this man,
857
00:35:09,928 --> 00:35:13,927
"'a,' how humiliating for you;
858
00:35:13,928 --> 00:35:16,927
and 'b,' you must be
an alcoholic."
859
00:35:16,928 --> 00:35:18,927
Uh...
860
00:35:18,928 --> 00:35:20,927
At least I hope so.
861
00:35:20,928 --> 00:35:22,927
Jane...
862
00:35:22,928 --> 00:35:24,927
- We love you, Carrie!
863
00:35:24,928 --> 00:35:26,927
- Oh, dear,
I love you too.
864
00:35:26,928 --> 00:35:27,927
Uh...
865
00:35:27,928 --> 00:35:29,927
I do love you on glee, I do.
866
00:35:29,928 --> 00:35:32,927
And it's such a change
to see a coach
867
00:35:32,928 --> 00:35:35,927
that doesn't take showers
with little boys.
868
00:35:35,928 --> 00:35:36,927
[Laughter]
869
00:35:36,928 --> 00:35:37,927
- Hey, wait a minute!
870
00:35:37,928 --> 00:35:38,927
- I know.
Where--what--
871
00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:40,927
what, you're gonna take
exception to that?
872
00:35:40,928 --> 00:35:41,927
You did that joke?
873
00:35:41,928 --> 00:35:42,927
- No, no, no.
- No.
874
00:35:42,928 --> 00:35:44,927
No, not that?
- No, no.
875
00:35:44,928 --> 00:35:45,927
- I'm gonna do
another period joke,
876
00:35:45,928 --> 00:35:47,927
then another white joke,
877
00:35:47,928 --> 00:35:48,927
short joke,
878
00:35:48,928 --> 00:35:50,927
old women joke.
879
00:35:50,928 --> 00:35:51,927
Ha-ha-ha, okay.
880
00:35:51,928 --> 00:35:52,927
So...
881
00:35:52,928 --> 00:35:54,927
[Cheers and applause]
882
00:35:54,928 --> 00:35:56,928
Yes, God!
883
00:35:59,928 --> 00:36:02,927
Hilarious!
884
00:36:02,928 --> 00:36:05,927
Anthony jeselnik!
885
00:36:05,928 --> 00:36:07,927
I've heard that you are
a pretty gutsy guy.
886
00:36:07,928 --> 00:36:11,927
You say what other rapists
only think.
887
00:36:11,928 --> 00:36:14,927
[Laughter]
888
00:36:14,928 --> 00:36:16,927
And you don't get your period
anymore, do you?
889
00:36:16,928 --> 00:36:20,927
Oh, God, I could laugh
about that all night.
890
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:25,927
Now I wanna talk about someone
I have a lot of history with,
891
00:36:25,928 --> 00:36:29,927
someone who's always
been there for me...
892
00:36:29,928 --> 00:36:32,927
Not really, but roseanne...
893
00:36:32,928 --> 00:36:35,927
You know, roseanne and I,
we're both feminists.
894
00:36:35,928 --> 00:36:37,927
Am I right?
- You're right.
895
00:36:37,928 --> 00:36:38,927
- I mean...
896
00:36:38,928 --> 00:36:41,927
That's it!
897
00:36:41,928 --> 00:36:45,927
You know, we--we think women
can do anything that men can do.
898
00:36:45,928 --> 00:36:48,927
In fact, we were discussing
this earlier at the urinal.
899
00:36:48,928 --> 00:36:50,928
Remember that?
900
00:36:52,928 --> 00:36:56,927
Okay, roseanne, you've battled
the voices in your head
901
00:36:56,928 --> 00:36:59,927
to become one
of the greatest comedians
902
00:36:59,928 --> 00:37:02,927
and sitcom stars of all time
903
00:37:02,928 --> 00:37:05,927
as well as a very dear friend
of mine...
904
00:37:05,928 --> 00:37:07,927
Ish.
905
00:37:07,928 --> 00:37:08,927
Uh,
906
00:37:08,928 --> 00:37:11,927
and if I had to come up
with one reason
907
00:37:11,928 --> 00:37:13,927
why I love you so much,
908
00:37:13,928 --> 00:37:19,927
it would have to be
because I have done so much dope
909
00:37:19,928 --> 00:37:26,927
that I have no idea
who the fuck you are!
910
00:37:26,928 --> 00:37:29,927
Or who I am,
or where I am.
911
00:37:29,928 --> 00:37:30,927
Thank you.
912
00:37:30,928 --> 00:37:33,927
- Yeah!
913
00:37:33,928 --> 00:37:35,927
- I just got my period.
914
00:37:35,928 --> 00:37:38,928
[Cheers and applause]
915
00:37:43,496 --> 00:37:46,996
- Our next roaster is Anthony
Jeselnik.
916
00:37:47,497 --> 00:37:50,496
[Cheers and applause]
917
00:37:50,497 --> 00:37:53,496
This fellow is famous
for his one-liners like
918
00:37:53,497 --> 00:37:57,496
"I never touched her,"
"I have an alibi,"
919
00:37:57,497 --> 00:37:59,496
or "talk to my lawyer."
920
00:37:59,497 --> 00:38:00,496
Everyone, please clap your hands
921
00:38:00,497 --> 00:38:03,496
and pretend like you recognize
Anthony jeselnik.
922
00:38:03,497 --> 00:38:06,497
[Cheers and applause]
923
00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:12,496
- Thank you.
924
00:38:12,497 --> 00:38:13,496
Thank you.
925
00:38:13,497 --> 00:38:16,496
When comedy central first
asked me to be here tonight,
926
00:38:16,497 --> 00:38:20,496
I told them to suck my dick.
927
00:38:20,497 --> 00:38:22,496
And now I'm here.
928
00:38:22,497 --> 00:38:28,496
[Laughter]
929
00:38:28,497 --> 00:38:30,496
Jane lynch,
I love your show glee.
930
00:38:30,497 --> 00:38:32,496
Every episode
keeps me guessing.
931
00:38:32,497 --> 00:38:34,496
No matter how I think
it's gonna turn out,
932
00:38:34,497 --> 00:38:37,496
there's never a school shooting.
933
00:38:37,497 --> 00:38:40,497
[Groaning laughter]
934
00:38:42,497 --> 00:38:45,496
My good friend Jeff Ross
is all dressed up tonight.
935
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,496
- Yeah, man.
936
00:38:46,497 --> 00:38:49,496
- Jeff, you look like something
a mongoloid kid put together
937
00:38:49,497 --> 00:38:50,496
at build-a-bear.
938
00:38:50,497 --> 00:38:53,497
[Laughter]
939
00:38:57,497 --> 00:38:59,496
Katey sagal.
940
00:38:59,497 --> 00:39:01,496
Katey sagal,
you're an incredible actress.
941
00:39:01,497 --> 00:39:03,496
You worked on
married with children,
942
00:39:03,497 --> 00:39:05,496
the show that changed comedy.
943
00:39:05,497 --> 00:39:06,496
Sons of anarchy,
944
00:39:06,497 --> 00:39:09,496
the show that took drama
to a whole new level,
945
00:39:09,497 --> 00:39:10,496
and eight simple rules,
946
00:39:10,497 --> 00:39:13,496
the show that killed
John ritter.
947
00:39:13,497 --> 00:39:15,496
[Groaning]
948
00:39:15,497 --> 00:39:16,496
- That's bad.
949
00:39:16,497 --> 00:39:19,496
That's mean.
950
00:39:19,497 --> 00:39:20,496
Ooh.
951
00:39:20,497 --> 00:39:22,496
Wow.
952
00:39:22,497 --> 00:39:24,497
- Boo, bitches.
Boo.
953
00:39:27,497 --> 00:39:29,496
Seth green is here.
954
00:39:29,497 --> 00:39:33,496
You know how everybody has
that one weird, creepy Uncle?
955
00:39:33,497 --> 00:39:37,496
Well, Seth green looks like
he got raped by all of them.
956
00:39:37,497 --> 00:39:40,497
[Laughter]
957
00:39:43,497 --> 00:39:46,496
Ellen barkin, baby doll.
958
00:39:46,497 --> 00:39:49,496
Your upcoming TV show,
the new normal,
959
00:39:49,497 --> 00:39:50,496
premieres on September 11th.
960
00:39:50,497 --> 00:39:51,496
Yeah.
961
00:39:51,497 --> 00:39:53,496
[Cheers and applause]
962
00:39:53,497 --> 00:39:54,496
Yeah.
963
00:39:54,497 --> 00:39:56,496
September 11th,
that sounds about right.
964
00:39:56,497 --> 00:39:59,496
[Cheers and applause]
965
00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:00,496
- I never thought of that.
966
00:40:00,497 --> 00:40:02,496
- Every clip I've seen feels
967
00:40:02,497 --> 00:40:05,497
like I'm watching
a third tower collapse.
968
00:40:08,497 --> 00:40:11,496
- Suck it.
969
00:40:11,497 --> 00:40:13,496
- And Wayne Brady.
970
00:40:13,497 --> 00:40:15,496
Wayne, I don't understand
why people keep joking
971
00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:16,496
that you're not black.
972
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,496
Wayne Brady,
you are black!
973
00:40:18,497 --> 00:40:21,496
After all, I only remember
you for all the years
974
00:40:21,497 --> 00:40:28,496
you played an uppity slave on
whose line is it anyway?
975
00:40:28,497 --> 00:40:30,496
- You were great.
- I was good, right?
976
00:40:30,497 --> 00:40:31,496
[Laughter]
977
00:40:31,497 --> 00:40:33,496
- I was good.
978
00:40:33,497 --> 00:40:36,496
- And now for the lady of honor,
miss roseanne barr.
979
00:40:36,497 --> 00:40:40,496
[Cheers and applause]
980
00:40:40,497 --> 00:40:43,496
- Oh, boy.
I can't wait.
981
00:40:43,497 --> 00:40:46,496
- Roseanne, your bid
for president was a failure.
982
00:40:46,497 --> 00:40:49,496
But you said
that you'd like to become
983
00:40:49,497 --> 00:40:51,496
prime minister
of Israel one day,
984
00:40:51,497 --> 00:40:52,496
and that could happen.
985
00:40:52,497 --> 00:40:54,496
Those people are fuckin' idiots!
986
00:40:54,497 --> 00:40:58,496
[Laughter]
987
00:40:58,497 --> 00:41:01,496
Roseanne, even though
you're a feminist icon,
988
00:41:01,497 --> 00:41:03,496
so many men
have gotten rich off of you:
989
00:41:03,497 --> 00:41:06,496
Tom Arnold,
John Goodman,
990
00:41:06,497 --> 00:41:09,496
the guy who owns
the cheesecake factory.
991
00:41:09,497 --> 00:41:12,497
[Laughter]
992
00:41:18,497 --> 00:41:20,496
And, roseanne,
993
00:41:20,497 --> 00:41:23,496
you were notorious for being
a tyrant on your sitcom.
994
00:41:23,497 --> 00:41:25,496
In fact,
the entire cast and crew
995
00:41:25,497 --> 00:41:27,496
always had to walk
on eggshells around you
996
00:41:27,497 --> 00:41:30,496
because you just could not stop
eating eggs.
997
00:41:30,497 --> 00:41:33,497
[Laughter]
998
00:41:35,497 --> 00:41:38,496
But here's something positive.
999
00:41:38,497 --> 00:41:42,496
Because you had gastric bypass
surgery in 1998,
1000
00:41:42,497 --> 00:41:44,496
and then you beat it.
1001
00:41:44,497 --> 00:41:47,497
[Laughter]
1002
00:41:53,497 --> 00:41:56,496
But roseanne,
despite everything I just said,
1003
00:41:56,497 --> 00:41:58,496
there is not a comic alive
1004
00:41:58,497 --> 00:42:00,496
who doesn't owe
a great debt to you.
1005
00:42:00,497 --> 00:42:02,496
You're a great sport
for being here tonight.
1006
00:42:02,497 --> 00:42:03,496
Thank you for letting me
be here too.
1007
00:42:03,497 --> 00:42:04,496
- Thank you, Anthony.
1008
00:42:04,497 --> 00:42:06,496
Thank you very much, everybody.
1009
00:42:06,497 --> 00:42:07,496
Thank you.
1010
00:42:07,497 --> 00:42:10,497
[Cheers and applause]
1011
00:42:13,497 --> 00:42:16,496
Our next roaster
is Ellen barkin.
1012
00:42:16,497 --> 00:42:20,496
[Cheers and applause]
1013
00:42:20,497 --> 00:42:24,496
Older viewers might know Ellen
from diner or sea of love,
1014
00:42:24,497 --> 00:42:27,496
while younger viewers
might know her from fucking her.
1015
00:42:27,497 --> 00:42:30,496
[Laughter]
1016
00:42:30,497 --> 00:42:34,496
Ellen stars in the upcoming
nbc sitcom, the new normal,
1017
00:42:34,497 --> 00:42:39,496
which critics are already
describing as cancelled.
1018
00:42:39,497 --> 00:42:40,496
Ladies and gentlemen,
1019
00:42:40,497 --> 00:42:42,496
please welcome Ellen barkin!
1020
00:42:42,497 --> 00:42:45,497
[Cheers and applause]
1021
00:42:49,497 --> 00:42:51,496
- Thank you, Jane.
1022
00:42:51,497 --> 00:42:53,496
I had a cocktail before
I came on.
1023
00:42:53,497 --> 00:42:57,496
I admit it.
1024
00:42:57,497 --> 00:43:00,496
And then I had
three more cocktails.
1025
00:43:00,497 --> 00:43:04,496
And then I had a valium.
1026
00:43:04,497 --> 00:43:07,496
I was very scared
and very intimidated
1027
00:43:07,497 --> 00:43:14,496
by being surrounded
by real comedians here tonight.
1028
00:43:14,497 --> 00:43:16,496
Luckily, this fuckin' Jeff Ross
is here.
1029
00:43:16,497 --> 00:43:17,496
[Laughter]
1030
00:43:17,497 --> 00:43:19,496
That was a relief.
1031
00:43:19,497 --> 00:43:21,496
I hear you have a new show.
1032
00:43:21,497 --> 00:43:22,496
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
1033
00:43:22,497 --> 00:43:25,496
- Don't you think you should
say, "thank you," to roseanne
1034
00:43:25,497 --> 00:43:29,496
for paving the way for plus-size
women to get their own TV shows?
1035
00:43:29,497 --> 00:43:31,496
[Cheers and applause]
1036
00:43:31,497 --> 00:43:32,496
- Thank you, roseanne.
Thank you.
1037
00:43:32,497 --> 00:43:35,496
- You're welcome.
- You're right.
1038
00:43:35,497 --> 00:43:38,497
- Katey, my little peg Bundy.
1039
00:43:41,497 --> 00:43:43,496
- Hi, Ellen.
1040
00:43:43,497 --> 00:43:46,496
- How does it feel
to go through life
1041
00:43:46,497 --> 00:43:51,496
known as that horny redhead
who could never get laid?
1042
00:43:51,497 --> 00:43:54,496
Seth green, same question.
1043
00:43:54,497 --> 00:43:57,497
[Cheers and applause]
1044
00:43:59,497 --> 00:44:02,496
And Gilbert gottfried.
1045
00:44:02,497 --> 00:44:05,496
I am so glad
you could take a break
1046
00:44:05,497 --> 00:44:09,496
from staring
directly into the sun
1047
00:44:09,497 --> 00:44:10,496
to be with us tonight.
1048
00:44:10,497 --> 00:44:13,497
[Laughter]
1049
00:44:15,497 --> 00:44:17,496
But now it's time
to turn our attention
1050
00:44:17,497 --> 00:44:20,496
to the sexiest fuckin' bitch
on this stage:
1051
00:44:20,497 --> 00:44:23,496
Miss roseanne barr!
1052
00:44:23,497 --> 00:44:26,496
[Cheers and applause]
1053
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:29,496
Now, roseanne,
I'm only here
1054
00:44:29,497 --> 00:44:32,496
because Sharon stone
dropped out,
1055
00:44:32,497 --> 00:44:35,496
and we all know how hilarious
that cunt is.
1056
00:44:35,497 --> 00:44:38,497
[Cheers and applause]
1057
00:44:41,497 --> 00:44:46,415
- That's not true.
1058
00:44:46,416 --> 00:44:47,496
- Roseanne,
it was very important
1059
00:44:47,497 --> 00:44:49,496
for me to be here for you.
1060
00:44:49,497 --> 00:44:51,496
Do you remember
that fuckin' bitch
1061
00:44:51,497 --> 00:44:54,496
who tweeted at me and called me
1062
00:44:54,497 --> 00:45:00,496
a fuckin' cradle-robbing,
washed-up, has-been pig
1063
00:45:00,497 --> 00:45:03,496
who should find a man my own age
1064
00:45:03,497 --> 00:45:07,496
instead of parading around
with some boy toy
1065
00:45:07,497 --> 00:45:09,496
that I would never get
1066
00:45:09,497 --> 00:45:13,496
if I didn't used to be famous
in the '80s?
1067
00:45:13,497 --> 00:45:17,496
And--and roseanne...
1068
00:45:17,497 --> 00:45:19,496
In my defense,
she took to Twitter,
1069
00:45:19,497 --> 00:45:21,496
and she told that fuckin' bitch,
1070
00:45:21,497 --> 00:45:25,496
"shut the fuck up!"
1071
00:45:25,497 --> 00:45:28,497
[Cheers and applause]
1072
00:45:31,497 --> 00:45:33,496
Now, granted,
1073
00:45:33,497 --> 00:45:38,497
I was with that woman's son
at the time.
1074
00:45:40,497 --> 00:45:42,496
It was late,
1075
00:45:42,497 --> 00:45:47,164
and he did have homework
that night.
1076
00:45:47,165 --> 00:45:49,496
But there was no way
1077
00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:52,496
I was lettin' that little
hairless plaything
1078
00:45:52,497 --> 00:45:54,496
out of my sandbox.
1079
00:45:54,497 --> 00:45:58,496
[Laughter]
1080
00:45:58,497 --> 00:46:02,496
My friend, roseanne,
you are a pioneer.
1081
00:46:02,497 --> 00:46:07,496
You became an icon
for female comics,
1082
00:46:07,497 --> 00:46:10,496
for working mothers,
1083
00:46:10,497 --> 00:46:13,496
for all women.
1084
00:46:13,497 --> 00:46:15,496
And then you married
that jittery coke head
1085
00:46:15,497 --> 00:46:17,496
and you fucked it all up.
1086
00:46:17,497 --> 00:46:20,496
[Laughter]
1087
00:46:20,497 --> 00:46:22,496
- Oh, well.
1088
00:46:22,497 --> 00:46:23,496
- I love you.
1089
00:46:23,497 --> 00:46:25,496
- I love you.
Thank you.
1090
00:46:25,497 --> 00:46:28,497
[Cheers and applause]
1091
00:46:38,408 --> 00:46:40,408
- Wow!
1092
00:46:40,409 --> 00:46:43,408
Okay, so I was just told
we have a last-minute guest
1093
00:46:43,409 --> 00:46:45,408
who's stopped by
to say a few words.
1094
00:46:45,409 --> 00:46:46,408
Ladies and gentlemen:
1095
00:46:46,409 --> 00:46:47,408
Tom Arnold.
1096
00:46:47,409 --> 00:46:50,409
[Cheers and applause]
1097
00:47:14,409 --> 00:47:17,408
- Oh, shit.
1098
00:47:17,409 --> 00:47:18,408
She's right beside me,
isn't she?
1099
00:47:18,409 --> 00:47:21,408
Oh, shit.
1100
00:47:21,409 --> 00:47:23,408
You know, uh, hi.
1101
00:47:23,409 --> 00:47:26,408
Wow.
1102
00:47:26,409 --> 00:47:28,408
We, uh--we have not been
in the same room
1103
00:47:28,409 --> 00:47:31,408
for over 18 years,
and, uh, you know...
1104
00:47:31,409 --> 00:47:32,408
- Yay!
- Yeah, I--
1105
00:47:32,409 --> 00:47:36,408
[cheers and applause]
1106
00:47:36,409 --> 00:47:38,408
I'm not here to tear
roseanne a new one
1107
00:47:38,409 --> 00:47:40,408
because quite frankly,
I've seen the old one,
1108
00:47:40,409 --> 00:47:44,408
and, uh, it is spectacular.
1109
00:47:44,409 --> 00:47:45,408
It could use a little paint,
1110
00:47:45,409 --> 00:47:47,408
maybe a couple of plants
in the corners,
1111
00:47:47,409 --> 00:47:49,408
a wicker loveseat,
but trust me,
1112
00:47:49,409 --> 00:47:51,408
that baby is move-in ready!
1113
00:47:51,409 --> 00:47:55,408
[Laughter]
1114
00:47:55,409 --> 00:47:56,408
Trust me.
1115
00:47:56,409 --> 00:47:57,408
Why am I here?
1116
00:47:57,409 --> 00:47:59,408
Well, I'm here
to honor roseanne,
1117
00:47:59,409 --> 00:48:02,408
and I'm here because I fuckin'
earned it, man, the hard way.
1118
00:48:02,409 --> 00:48:06,408
[Laughter]
1119
00:48:06,409 --> 00:48:08,408
Have any of you guys
ever wrestled her?
1120
00:48:08,409 --> 00:48:09,408
Huh?
1121
00:48:09,409 --> 00:48:11,408
I have.
1122
00:48:11,409 --> 00:48:13,408
Has she sent any of you guys
over to Paramount
1123
00:48:13,409 --> 00:48:15,408
to beat up arsenio hall
for making fat jokes?
1124
00:48:15,409 --> 00:48:18,408
I did.
Right?
1125
00:48:18,409 --> 00:48:20,408
How many of you have been
arrested at l.A.X.
1126
00:48:20,409 --> 00:48:23,408
For defending her singing?
1127
00:48:23,409 --> 00:48:27,408
This guy right here.
1128
00:48:27,409 --> 00:48:29,408
Have you ever had her
pull a knife on you
1129
00:48:29,409 --> 00:48:31,408
for spitting
on her diet cookies?
1130
00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:34,408
Yes!
Yes!
1131
00:48:34,409 --> 00:48:35,408
That's right!
1132
00:48:35,409 --> 00:48:40,408
[Laughter]
1133
00:48:40,409 --> 00:48:42,408
Have you ever been
sucker-punched in the face
1134
00:48:42,409 --> 00:48:44,408
by her purse
in front of Bob hope
1135
00:48:44,409 --> 00:48:46,408
at his freakin'
90th birthday party?
1136
00:48:46,409 --> 00:48:50,408
[Laughter]
1137
00:48:50,409 --> 00:48:51,408
Yes.
- Not.
1138
00:48:51,409 --> 00:48:53,408
- Yes, you did.
1139
00:48:53,409 --> 00:48:54,408
Yes, it's true.
1140
00:48:54,409 --> 00:48:58,408
At one time we were
obviously very, very close.
1141
00:48:58,409 --> 00:48:59,408
When I was with roseanne--
1142
00:48:59,409 --> 00:49:01,408
and uh, she's talked
about this a lot--
1143
00:49:01,409 --> 00:49:03,408
she had 27 personalities.
1144
00:49:03,409 --> 00:49:05,408
And only two of them liked me.
1145
00:49:05,409 --> 00:49:09,408
And, uh, one of those
was a small German boy, and...
1146
00:49:09,409 --> 00:49:13,408
[Laughter]
1147
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:15,408
Rosie and I were
once inseparable.
1148
00:49:15,409 --> 00:49:18,408
We lived together,
we worked together,
1149
00:49:18,409 --> 00:49:20,408
we even got tattoos together.
1150
00:49:20,409 --> 00:49:22,408
You remember.
1151
00:49:22,409 --> 00:49:23,408
I got Rosie's face
tattooed on my chest.
1152
00:49:23,409 --> 00:49:25,408
And believe me,
1153
00:49:25,409 --> 00:49:27,408
it is hard to get a woman
to have sex with you
1154
00:49:27,409 --> 00:49:30,408
when roseanne
is fucking staring at her.
1155
00:49:30,409 --> 00:49:32,408
It's true.
1156
00:49:32,409 --> 00:49:34,408
[Laughter]
1157
00:49:34,409 --> 00:49:36,408
It's even harder to masturbate.
1158
00:49:36,409 --> 00:49:39,409
[Laughter]
1159
00:49:42,409 --> 00:49:43,408
You know, Rosie--
this is true--
1160
00:49:43,409 --> 00:49:46,408
she actually had
"property of tom Arnold"
1161
00:49:46,409 --> 00:49:48,408
tattooed on her hip.
1162
00:49:48,409 --> 00:49:51,408
Which made me the fourth largest
property owner in California.
1163
00:49:51,409 --> 00:49:57,408
[Laughter]
1164
00:49:57,409 --> 00:49:59,408
Now that I'm allegedly sober,
1165
00:49:59,409 --> 00:50:05,408
and we're both
in stable relationships...
1166
00:50:05,409 --> 00:50:06,408
I want you to know, uh,
Rosie,
1167
00:50:06,409 --> 00:50:08,408
there's no reason to be jealous
of my wife, Ashley.
1168
00:50:08,409 --> 00:50:13,408
She's tall and thin and wasn't
even born when we were married.
1169
00:50:13,409 --> 00:50:15,408
Plus, I've learned
from your biggest mistake:
1170
00:50:15,409 --> 00:50:16,408
I made her sign a pre-nup.
1171
00:50:16,409 --> 00:50:17,408
[Laughs]
1172
00:50:17,409 --> 00:50:18,408
That was so good.
1173
00:50:18,409 --> 00:50:19,408
Anyway...
1174
00:50:19,409 --> 00:50:23,408
[Laughter]
1175
00:50:23,409 --> 00:50:25,408
Whoa...
1176
00:50:25,409 --> 00:50:27,408
But I just wanna say something
about your boyfriend, Johnny.
1177
00:50:27,409 --> 00:50:29,408
Johnny, I wanna say this to you,
man.
1178
00:50:29,409 --> 00:50:32,408
Uh, no matter what,
you gotta stay with this woman.
1179
00:50:32,409 --> 00:50:33,408
She may not be the perfect wife,
1180
00:50:33,409 --> 00:50:34,408
but trust me,
1181
00:50:34,409 --> 00:50:38,408
she's literally the worst
fucking ex-wife on the planet.
1182
00:50:38,409 --> 00:50:39,408
Literally!
1183
00:50:39,409 --> 00:50:41,408
[Cheers and applause]
1184
00:50:41,409 --> 00:50:43,408
You do not wanna be a guy
lying on his couch with a date
1185
00:50:43,409 --> 00:50:44,408
and hear how small your dick is
1186
00:50:44,409 --> 00:50:47,408
on Saturday night live.
1187
00:50:47,409 --> 00:50:48,408
And then the view.
1188
00:50:48,409 --> 00:50:52,408
And then CNN,
and Al-jazeera.
1189
00:50:52,409 --> 00:50:57,408
She holds a grudge, people!
1190
00:50:57,409 --> 00:50:58,408
You know, uh, recently
roseanne got in trouble
1191
00:50:58,409 --> 00:51:01,408
for accidentally wishing cancer
on chik-fil-a customers...
1192
00:51:01,409 --> 00:51:03,408
[Cheers and applause]
1193
00:51:03,409 --> 00:51:04,408
But...
1194
00:51:04,409 --> 00:51:05,408
[Cheers and applause]
1195
00:51:05,409 --> 00:51:07,408
Accidentally.
1196
00:51:07,409 --> 00:51:09,408
But you guys can all relax.
1197
00:51:09,409 --> 00:51:11,408
If she had the power
to wish cancer on anyone,
1198
00:51:11,409 --> 00:51:13,408
I would have been fucking dead
in '94.
1199
00:51:13,409 --> 00:51:16,408
[Laughter]
1200
00:51:16,409 --> 00:51:19,408
You know, I, uh,
I met roseanne 30 years ago.
1201
00:51:19,409 --> 00:51:21,408
You know, remember that?
1202
00:51:21,409 --> 00:51:22,408
- Is that right?
1203
00:51:22,409 --> 00:51:23,408
- Yeah, about 30 years ago.
1204
00:51:23,409 --> 00:51:25,408
And the first time
I saw you perform,
1205
00:51:25,409 --> 00:51:27,408
I knew you were one
of the great ones.
1206
00:51:27,409 --> 00:51:29,408
And, uh, when I got off stage
you said to me,
1207
00:51:29,409 --> 00:51:32,408
"you sure are
a funny son of a bitch."
1208
00:51:32,409 --> 00:51:33,408
And I said, "thanks.
1209
00:51:33,409 --> 00:51:35,408
You wanna do some blow?"
1210
00:51:35,409 --> 00:51:36,408
And, uh...
1211
00:51:36,409 --> 00:51:38,408
We stole the m.C.'S car,
1212
00:51:38,409 --> 00:51:39,408
and we disappeared
for three days.
1213
00:51:39,409 --> 00:51:41,408
You remember that?
1214
00:51:41,409 --> 00:51:43,408
And so began our very own white
trash Camelot.
1215
00:51:43,409 --> 00:51:46,408
[Laughter]
1216
00:51:46,409 --> 00:51:48,408
Hmm...
1217
00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:49,408
For one brief shining moment.
1218
00:51:49,409 --> 00:51:53,408
Then in 1985,
roseanne went on Johnny Carson,
1219
00:51:53,409 --> 00:51:55,408
which is every comic's dream
back then, you know?
1220
00:51:55,409 --> 00:51:57,408
She killed,
he laughed his ass off.
1221
00:51:57,409 --> 00:51:58,408
He gave her a thumbs up,
1222
00:51:58,409 --> 00:52:00,408
and he invited her to sit
on the couch.
1223
00:52:00,409 --> 00:52:02,408
She got validation from the king
1224
00:52:02,409 --> 00:52:04,408
that could never be taken away
from you.
1225
00:52:04,409 --> 00:52:07,409
[Cheers and applause]
1226
00:52:12,409 --> 00:52:14,408
And...
1227
00:52:14,409 --> 00:52:16,408
I just want to say that,
roseanne,
1228
00:52:16,409 --> 00:52:17,408
you were my Johnny Carson.
1229
00:52:17,409 --> 00:52:20,408
And thank you for the thumbs up,
1230
00:52:20,409 --> 00:52:22,408
and thank you for allowing me
to sit on your couch
1231
00:52:22,409 --> 00:52:23,408
for a little bit.
1232
00:52:23,409 --> 00:52:24,408
Good night.
1233
00:52:24,409 --> 00:52:28,408
[Cheers and applause]
1234
00:52:28,409 --> 00:52:30,408
- Thanks.
It was fun.
1235
00:52:30,409 --> 00:52:32,408
- Thank you.
1236
00:52:32,409 --> 00:52:35,409
[Cheers and applause]
1237
00:52:45,118 --> 00:52:49,117
[Cheers and applause]
1238
00:52:49,118 --> 00:52:53,117
Now, Gilbert is, uh, famous
not so much for his comedy
1239
00:52:53,118 --> 00:52:56,117
but for pissing off more Asian
people than Hiroshima.
1240
00:52:56,118 --> 00:52:59,117
[Laughter]
1241
00:52:59,118 --> 00:53:01,117
Please welcome that scary thing
under your bed
1242
00:53:01,118 --> 00:53:02,117
from when you were a kid:
1243
00:53:02,118 --> 00:53:03,117
Gilbert gottfried!
1244
00:53:03,118 --> 00:53:06,118
[Cheers and applause]
1245
00:53:16,118 --> 00:53:22,117
- Jane lynch!
1246
00:53:22,118 --> 00:53:24,117
Ladies and gentlemen,
1247
00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:29,117
I hope you can hear
the sound of my voice!
1248
00:53:29,118 --> 00:53:36,117
This microphone is covered by
the thick layer of pubic hairs
1249
00:53:36,118 --> 00:53:40,117
that shot from between
Jane's teeth!
1250
00:53:40,118 --> 00:53:44,117
[Groaning laughter]
1251
00:53:44,118 --> 00:53:46,117
During each commercial break,
1252
00:53:46,118 --> 00:53:53,117
the producers wipe away
the pelt of saliva-coated pubes
1253
00:53:53,118 --> 00:53:56,118
that accumulate upon the mic!
1254
00:54:00,118 --> 00:54:05,117
And each time Jane returns
to the stage,
1255
00:54:05,118 --> 00:54:12,117
she once again sprays
a carpet of short, curly hairs
1256
00:54:12,118 --> 00:54:15,117
all over the microphone,
1257
00:54:15,118 --> 00:54:24,117
and the front row of
the nauseated audience members.
1258
00:54:24,118 --> 00:54:31,117
So forgive me if my voice
is, shall we say, muffled!
1259
00:54:31,118 --> 00:54:34,117
[Laughter]
1260
00:54:34,118 --> 00:54:37,118
[Cheers and applause]
1261
00:54:39,118 --> 00:54:41,117
Carrie fisher!
1262
00:54:41,118 --> 00:54:45,118
Thank you for visiting us
from the past.
1263
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:53,117
When comedy central
looked at this dais, they said,
1264
00:54:53,118 --> 00:54:58,117
"we just don't have enough
washed-up, repugnant,
1265
00:54:58,118 --> 00:55:03,117
"drug-addicted,
menopausal has-beens.
1266
00:55:03,118 --> 00:55:06,117
"Get me Carrie fisher.
1267
00:55:06,118 --> 00:55:09,118
[Laughter]
1268
00:55:11,118 --> 00:55:15,117
"Because if there's anything
we're certain of,
1269
00:55:15,118 --> 00:55:19,118
it's that Carrie fisher
is available."
1270
00:55:23,118 --> 00:55:27,117
R2-d2 has gotten more work
1271
00:55:27,118 --> 00:55:30,201
since star wars
than Carrie fisher.
1272
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:33,117
[Laughter]
1273
00:55:33,118 --> 00:55:36,118
- And he has his period.
1274
00:55:39,118 --> 00:55:44,117
- But tonight isn't about
Carrie fisher or Jeff Ross
1275
00:55:44,118 --> 00:55:48,117
or any of the other
disease-ridden transients
1276
00:55:48,118 --> 00:55:52,117
who were forced
from their shanties
1277
00:55:52,118 --> 00:55:56,117
and refrigerator box dwellings
to be here.
1278
00:55:56,118 --> 00:55:59,118
[Laughter]
1279
00:56:02,118 --> 00:56:08,118
Tonight, we honor a monster
in the entertainment industries.
1280
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:14,117
And like most monsters,
she goes by one name,
1281
00:56:14,118 --> 00:56:18,117
and that name is rozilla!
1282
00:56:18,118 --> 00:56:21,118
[Cheers and applause]
1283
00:56:25,118 --> 00:56:27,117
Rozilla!
1284
00:56:27,118 --> 00:56:30,117
She's been described
as being covered
1285
00:56:30,118 --> 00:56:34,117
with a thick layer
of scaly, gray skin
1286
00:56:34,118 --> 00:56:38,117
emitting a strong,
disgusting odor
1287
00:56:38,118 --> 00:56:44,117
of taco grease and ass cheese.
1288
00:56:44,118 --> 00:56:49,117
Her sharp, yellow teeth
can take a man's arm off
1289
00:56:49,118 --> 00:56:51,117
in one bite
1290
00:56:51,118 --> 00:56:55,117
if you are foolish enough
to try and feed the beast
1291
00:56:55,118 --> 00:57:03,117
her Mountain of pork cracklings
and one slim-fast candy bar.
1292
00:57:03,118 --> 00:57:06,118
[Laughter]
1293
00:57:08,118 --> 00:57:09,117
- Oh, my God.
1294
00:57:09,118 --> 00:57:12,117
- Rozilla!
1295
00:57:12,118 --> 00:57:16,117
Stomping through Hollywood
for decades,
1296
00:57:16,118 --> 00:57:20,117
breathing fire
from her hairy snout,
1297
00:57:20,118 --> 00:57:23,117
burning bridge after bridge,
1298
00:57:23,118 --> 00:57:28,117
her glowing red eyes
striking terror in the heart
1299
00:57:28,118 --> 00:57:31,117
of anyone unfortunate enough
1300
00:57:31,118 --> 00:57:34,118
to look
in her hideous face.
1301
00:57:37,118 --> 00:57:41,117
- Oh, my God.
1302
00:57:41,118 --> 00:57:47,117
- Her gnarled, cow-like hooves
1303
00:57:47,118 --> 00:57:53,117
crushing and destroying
everything in her path,
1304
00:57:53,118 --> 00:57:58,117
stopping only to feed
every 10 minutes
1305
00:57:58,118 --> 00:58:06,117
and make one sitcom decades ago.
1306
00:58:06,118 --> 00:58:11,117
Her rolls of fat,
swaying and crashing
1307
00:58:11,118 --> 00:58:16,117
like a Japanese moo-nami.
1308
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:19,118
[Laughter]
1309
00:58:22,118 --> 00:58:24,117
Let me just stop for a second
1310
00:58:24,118 --> 00:58:30,118
and--and go on the record
about moo-namis.
1311
00:58:32,118 --> 00:58:37,117
One should never speak
about moo-namis.
1312
00:58:37,118 --> 00:58:41,117
One should never joke
about moo-namis,
1313
00:58:41,118 --> 00:58:44,117
and most important of all,
1314
00:58:44,118 --> 00:58:48,117
one should never tweet
about moo-namis.
1315
00:58:48,118 --> 00:58:51,118
[Cheers and applause]
1316
00:58:53,118 --> 00:58:57,117
But if one were to tweet
about a moo-nami,
1317
00:58:57,118 --> 00:59:01,117
he's probably learned his lesson
by now
1318
00:59:01,118 --> 00:59:06,117
and should get
his endorsement deal back.
1319
00:59:06,118 --> 00:59:08,117
[Cheers and applause]
1320
00:59:08,118 --> 00:59:14,117
So he won't have to keep doing
these horrible fucking roasts!
1321
00:59:14,118 --> 00:59:18,117
[Cheers and applause]
1322
00:59:18,118 --> 00:59:21,117
Rozilla!
1323
00:59:21,118 --> 00:59:25,117
Or, as she's known in Tokyo,
1324
00:59:25,118 --> 00:59:27,117
rozilla!
1325
00:59:27,118 --> 00:59:30,118
[Laughter]
1326
00:59:32,118 --> 00:59:35,117
Tonight, it's our chance
1327
00:59:35,118 --> 00:59:39,117
to end the reign
of rozilla forever.
1328
00:59:39,118 --> 00:59:43,117
And don't forget about the tail:
1329
00:59:43,118 --> 00:59:46,117
Powerful enough to sweep
an entire ox
1330
00:59:46,118 --> 00:59:50,117
into her throbbing colon.
1331
00:59:50,118 --> 00:59:54,117
People always forget
about the tail.
1332
00:59:54,118 --> 00:59:57,117
They say, "let's get rozilla."
1333
00:59:57,118 --> 01:00:00,117
I say,
"but what about the tail?"
1334
01:00:00,118 --> 01:00:03,117
They never remember the tail.
1335
01:00:03,118 --> 01:00:06,118
[Laughter]
1336
01:00:09,118 --> 01:00:13,117
Those people have paid
the ultimate price.
1337
01:00:13,118 --> 01:00:17,117
And if all else fails,
remember, good people:
1338
01:00:17,118 --> 01:00:20,117
Blame it on the Jews!
1339
01:00:20,118 --> 01:00:24,117
[Laughter]
1340
01:00:24,118 --> 01:00:27,117
And now for some jokes.
1341
01:00:27,118 --> 01:00:31,117
A drunken farmer
stumbles upstairs
1342
01:00:31,118 --> 01:00:36,117
into his bedroom,
waking his wife, roseanne.
1343
01:00:36,118 --> 01:00:42,117
She sits up and sees her husband
holding a sheep under his arm.
1344
01:00:42,118 --> 01:00:47,910
The farmer yells, "this is
the pig I've been fuckin'."
1345
01:00:47,911 --> 01:00:53,117
Roseanne says, "you idiot!
That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
1346
01:00:53,118 --> 01:00:56,117
The farmer yells,
"shut the fuck up.
1347
01:00:56,118 --> 01:00:58,117
I was talking to the sheep."
1348
01:00:58,118 --> 01:01:01,118
[Cheers and applause]
1349
01:01:07,118 --> 01:01:08,117
Thank you!
1350
01:01:08,118 --> 01:01:09,117
Good night!
1351
01:01:09,118 --> 01:01:12,118
[Cheers and applause]
1352
01:01:15,118 --> 01:01:17,117
- Excellent.
Excellent.
1353
01:01:17,118 --> 01:01:20,118
[Cheers and applause]
1354
01:01:32,838 --> 01:01:35,837
[Cheers and applause]
1355
01:01:35,838 --> 01:01:38,837
An icon, a superstar,
1356
01:01:38,838 --> 01:01:41,837
and a woman whose balls
are as big as her mouth.
1357
01:01:41,838 --> 01:01:43,837
Roseanne changed
the face of television,
1358
01:01:43,838 --> 01:01:46,837
then changed her face.
1359
01:01:46,838 --> 01:01:48,837
She's told so many people
to kiss her ass,
1360
01:01:48,838 --> 01:01:51,837
it could take into
the next decade to get it done!
1361
01:01:51,838 --> 01:01:54,837
Now let's finally let her do
what she does best:
1362
01:01:54,838 --> 01:01:56,837
Tell everybody to go
fuck themselves!
1363
01:01:56,838 --> 01:01:58,837
Ladies and gentlemen,
roseanne!
1364
01:01:58,838 --> 01:02:01,838
[Cheers and applause]
1365
01:02:06,838 --> 01:02:09,837
- Hey, thank you.
1366
01:02:09,838 --> 01:02:11,838
Thank you.
1367
01:02:14,838 --> 01:02:16,837
Thanks a lot.
1368
01:02:16,838 --> 01:02:19,837
Greetings, roseanne-archists.
1369
01:02:19,838 --> 01:02:22,838
[Cheers and applause]
1370
01:02:24,838 --> 01:02:26,837
I just want to say
to all of my peers,
1371
01:02:26,838 --> 01:02:28,837
when comedy central calls you
1372
01:02:28,838 --> 01:02:30,837
and tells you
they wanna honor you--
1373
01:02:30,838 --> 01:02:33,837
and they will--
1374
01:02:33,838 --> 01:02:36,837
just hang the fuck up.
1375
01:02:36,838 --> 01:02:40,837
I got a dais half full
of fuckin' losers.
1376
01:02:40,838 --> 01:02:43,837
I've seen people in front
of home depot
1377
01:02:43,838 --> 01:02:45,837
less desperate for work.
1378
01:02:45,838 --> 01:02:48,837
[Laughter]
1379
01:02:48,838 --> 01:02:52,837
All I know is I better
get my goddamn parking validated
1380
01:02:52,838 --> 01:02:55,837
or some asshole's
gettin' fired!
1381
01:02:55,838 --> 01:02:58,838
[Cheers and applause]
1382
01:03:01,838 --> 01:03:05,837
Where the hell are the stars?
1383
01:03:05,838 --> 01:03:10,837
Christ, I must have pissed off
everybody I've ever known.
1384
01:03:10,838 --> 01:03:13,837
I had a number one network show,
1385
01:03:13,838 --> 01:03:15,837
I was in a movie
with meryl streep,
1386
01:03:15,838 --> 01:03:18,837
and I get Amy fuckin' schumer?
1387
01:03:18,838 --> 01:03:21,837
[Laughter]
1388
01:03:21,838 --> 01:03:23,837
Meryl streep won three oscars.
1389
01:03:23,838 --> 01:03:26,837
This bitch came in fourth
on last comic standing.
1390
01:03:26,838 --> 01:03:31,837
[Cheers and applause]
1391
01:03:31,838 --> 01:03:34,837
- Thank you for your votes.
1392
01:03:34,838 --> 01:03:36,837
- But I guess you people
are the only ones
1393
01:03:36,838 --> 01:03:39,838
who can take
the roseanne retort.
1394
01:03:40,838 --> 01:03:44,837
Since I am the meanest,
baddest bitch on earth!
1395
01:03:44,838 --> 01:03:46,837
[Cheers and applause]
1396
01:03:46,838 --> 01:03:47,837
Thank you.
1397
01:03:47,838 --> 01:03:49,837
[Chuckles]
1398
01:03:49,838 --> 01:03:51,837
And that is the reason why
I am running
1399
01:03:51,838 --> 01:03:55,837
for president of these goddamn
United States of America!
1400
01:03:55,838 --> 01:03:57,837
[Cheers and applause]
1401
01:03:57,838 --> 01:03:58,837
That's right.
1402
01:03:58,838 --> 01:04:01,837
Put that in your fuckin' pipe
and smoke it,
1403
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:04,838
you honky motherfuckers!
1404
01:04:06,838 --> 01:04:08,837
Obama will get my weed
1405
01:04:08,838 --> 01:04:11,837
when he pries it out
of my cold dead fingers!
1406
01:04:11,838 --> 01:04:14,838
[Cheers and applause]
1407
01:04:16,838 --> 01:04:19,838
Thank God for Jane lynch.
1408
01:04:21,838 --> 01:04:24,837
You are one ferocious bitch.
1409
01:04:24,838 --> 01:04:25,837
I love you so much.
1410
01:04:25,838 --> 01:04:28,837
The most revolutionary character
on television.
1411
01:04:28,838 --> 01:04:29,837
- Thank you.
1412
01:04:29,838 --> 01:04:31,837
- But I hate you
because you are thin.
1413
01:04:31,838 --> 01:04:36,837
But I guess I'd be thin too
if all I ever ate was pussy.
1414
01:04:36,838 --> 01:04:39,838
[Laughter]
1415
01:04:44,838 --> 01:04:46,837
But I love that about you,
I really do.
1416
01:04:46,838 --> 01:04:48,837
Ellen barkin, wow!
1417
01:04:48,838 --> 01:04:52,837
I thought you were dead!
1418
01:04:52,838 --> 01:04:53,838
Sweet!
1419
01:04:56,838 --> 01:04:59,837
So glad to see ya.
1420
01:04:59,838 --> 01:05:02,837
When I said I wanted
that butchy blonde named Ellen,
1421
01:05:02,838 --> 01:05:05,837
I meant degeneres!
1422
01:05:05,838 --> 01:05:07,837
Carrie fisher!
1423
01:05:07,838 --> 01:05:10,837
The literary voice
of a generation,
1424
01:05:10,838 --> 01:05:12,837
I'm your biggest fan.
1425
01:05:12,838 --> 01:05:13,837
What a career you've had:
1426
01:05:13,838 --> 01:05:16,837
Actress, writer, drug mule.
1427
01:05:16,838 --> 01:05:18,837
[Laughter]
1428
01:05:18,838 --> 01:05:20,837
Seth green,
I don't wanna overlook you,
1429
01:05:20,838 --> 01:05:24,837
which is easy for anyone
over five feet tall.
1430
01:05:24,838 --> 01:05:27,837
Jane lynch has vibrators
bigger than you, Seth.
1431
01:05:27,838 --> 01:05:29,837
[Laughter]
1432
01:05:29,838 --> 01:05:30,837
- Figure you do.
1433
01:05:30,838 --> 01:05:34,837
The only difference is
they can give a woman an orgasm!
1434
01:05:34,838 --> 01:05:38,837
[Cheers and applause]
1435
01:05:38,838 --> 01:05:40,837
Wayne Brady!
1436
01:05:40,838 --> 01:05:43,837
You have single-handedly
redefined improv
1437
01:05:43,838 --> 01:05:45,837
by scripting it.
1438
01:05:45,838 --> 01:05:48,838
[Laughter]
1439
01:05:49,838 --> 01:05:52,837
You can do anything with
an audience suggestion.
1440
01:05:52,838 --> 01:05:54,837
Here's one for you.
1441
01:05:54,838 --> 01:05:56,837
Get the fuck off the stage!
1442
01:05:56,838 --> 01:05:59,837
[Laughter]
1443
01:05:59,838 --> 01:06:00,837
- Oh.
1444
01:06:00,838 --> 01:06:01,837
Amy schumer.
1445
01:06:01,838 --> 01:06:04,837
Hey, thanks for reinforcing
the stereotype
1446
01:06:04,838 --> 01:06:05,837
that women ain't funny.
1447
01:06:05,838 --> 01:06:08,837
[Laughter]
1448
01:06:08,838 --> 01:06:10,837
Actually, I guess
I loved your set.
1449
01:06:10,838 --> 01:06:12,837
I think you're fuckin' great.
1450
01:06:12,838 --> 01:06:13,837
I loved it.
1451
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,837
[Cheers and applause]
1452
01:06:15,838 --> 01:06:18,837
Amy schumer.
1453
01:06:18,838 --> 01:06:21,837
Anthony jeselnik!
1454
01:06:21,838 --> 01:06:24,837
You know the difference between
Anthony and a gay porn actor?
1455
01:06:24,838 --> 01:06:26,837
Well, judging by your looks
1456
01:06:26,838 --> 01:06:27,837
and how much you sucked tonight,
1457
01:06:27,838 --> 01:06:28,837
none!
1458
01:06:28,838 --> 01:06:31,837
[Laughter]
1459
01:06:31,838 --> 01:06:33,837
Oh!
1460
01:06:33,838 --> 01:06:35,837
Jeff Ross.
1461
01:06:35,838 --> 01:06:37,837
Jeff Ross is
to third-rate comedians
1462
01:06:37,838 --> 01:06:43,837
what Kim Kardashian
is to no-talent fame whores:
1463
01:06:43,838 --> 01:06:46,837
A hero!
1464
01:06:46,838 --> 01:06:49,837
[Cheers and applause]
1465
01:06:49,838 --> 01:06:51,837
Gilbert gottfried.
1466
01:06:51,838 --> 01:06:54,837
You know the difference
between Gilbert's voice
1467
01:06:54,838 --> 01:06:58,837
and a sandpaper dildo?
1468
01:06:58,838 --> 01:07:01,837
Do you?
1469
01:07:01,838 --> 01:07:03,837
After 20 minutes,
1470
01:07:03,838 --> 01:07:06,837
you might start
enjoying the dildo.
1471
01:07:06,838 --> 01:07:09,837
[Laughter]
1472
01:07:09,838 --> 01:07:12,837
And hence the difference.
1473
01:07:12,838 --> 01:07:15,837
And last but not least,
tom Arnold.
1474
01:07:15,838 --> 01:07:18,837
I'd really like to thank tom
for showing up tonight.
1475
01:07:18,838 --> 01:07:20,837
It was very brave...
1476
01:07:20,838 --> 01:07:21,837
[Cheers and applause]
1477
01:07:21,838 --> 01:07:24,837
And he was very funny.
1478
01:07:24,838 --> 01:07:26,837
But Jesus Christ,
how many fuckin' jobs
1479
01:07:26,838 --> 01:07:28,837
do I have to get
for that guy?
1480
01:07:28,838 --> 01:07:31,838
[Cheers and applause]
1481
01:07:34,838 --> 01:07:35,837
This night has been one
of the greatest nights
1482
01:07:35,838 --> 01:07:37,837
of my life,
1483
01:07:37,838 --> 01:07:39,837
and that's not saying shit
for my life.
1484
01:07:39,838 --> 01:07:42,837
[Cheers and applause]
1485
01:07:42,838 --> 01:07:44,837
No, but it was a blast,
you guys.
1486
01:07:44,838 --> 01:07:47,837
Thank you to the audience, too,
laughin'.
1487
01:07:47,838 --> 01:07:49,837
[Cheers and applause]
1488
01:07:49,838 --> 01:07:51,837
There's nothin' better
than a good laugh,
1489
01:07:51,838 --> 01:07:53,837
nothing on earth.
1490
01:07:53,838 --> 01:07:56,837
And here is
the teachable moment tonight.
1491
01:07:56,838 --> 01:08:00,837
If I can bury my roiling,
boiling, ceaseless hatred
1492
01:08:00,838 --> 01:08:04,837
for the likes
of tom Arnold,
1493
01:08:04,838 --> 01:08:08,837
maybe there's a chance
that we can have world peace,
1494
01:08:08,838 --> 01:08:09,837
ladies and gentlemen.
1495
01:08:09,838 --> 01:08:12,838
[Cheers and applause]
1496
01:08:14,838 --> 01:08:15,837
But the truth is,
1497
01:08:15,838 --> 01:08:19,837
I would gladly give up
even that dream
1498
01:08:19,838 --> 01:08:22,837
if I could just sing.
1499
01:08:22,838 --> 01:08:26,837
[Cheers and applause]
1500
01:08:26,838 --> 01:08:40,837
♪ O'er the land of the free ♪
1501
01:08:40,838 --> 01:08:44,837
♪ and the home
1502
01:08:44,838 --> 01:08:47,837
♪ of the
1503
01:08:47,838 --> 01:08:52,837
♪ brave!
1504
01:08:52,838 --> 01:08:55,838
[Cheers and applause]
1505
01:08:57,838 --> 01:08:59,838
[Whistle tweeting]
1506
01:09:27,420 --> 01:09:30,419
And about to be kicked out
of their house.
1507
01:09:30,420 --> 01:09:34,962
Roseanne's husband says,
"what are we gonna do?"
1508
01:09:34,963 --> 01:09:37,419
Roseanne says, "I can help,"
1509
01:09:37,420 --> 01:09:41,419
and she leads him
to a trunk filled with cash.
1510
01:09:41,420 --> 01:09:47,419
It's $500,000.05.
1511
01:09:47,420 --> 01:09:52,419
Roseanne's husband says, "where
did you get all this money?"
1512
01:09:52,420 --> 01:09:57,419
Roseanne says, "I've been
working as a prostitute."
1513
01:09:57,420 --> 01:10:02,419
Roseanne's husband then says,
"who gave you the five cents?"
1514
01:10:02,420 --> 01:10:05,219
Roseanne says, "all of 'em!"
1515
01:10:05,220 --> 01:10:06,720
[Laughter]
104961
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