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[phone ringing]
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00:00:07,499 --> 00:00:09,498
You've reached the homeof Leonard Nimoy.
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00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:12,498
Anybody but Bill Shatnerplease leave a message.
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00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:14,498
[beep]
5
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Uh, this is
William Shatner.
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00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:16,498
Leonard, will youpick up?
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I want to invite youto the roast.
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It's gonna be fantastic.
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00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:21,498
Pick up the phone,Leonard.
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00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,498
Hello?
Leonard!
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Billy.
Great.
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00:00:24,499 --> 00:00:26,498
Bill, are you in trouble?
What are you--
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I saw something on TV
about your toast.
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Roast, you idiot.
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00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:33,498
Turn up the sound
on your hearing aid.
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Oh, Bill,
those roasts are terrible.
17
00:00:34,583 --> 00:00:37,498
You shouldn't be--that's not
for a dignified person like you.
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A roast is for a pig.
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I'm not dignified.
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It's a celebration,you know?
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And I want youto be part of it.
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Why are you doing this?
Is it for the food?
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What is it?
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Leonard, it's a roast.
25
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They got a bunch of comedians
nobody's ever heard of.
26
00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:52,498
A few B-level celebrities
I've never met...
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00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:54,498
Bill.
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Some train wreck in a dress
who used to be hot.
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Bill, I'm not
gonna do this.
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And everybody
makes fun of me.
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It's gonna be
so much...fun.
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I think.
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00:01:03,499 --> 00:01:05,498
Billy, let me
tell you something.
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You know how much
I love you.
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Yeah, yeah.
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You're like
a brother to me.
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00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:09,498
I know.
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And I consider you
a very important person.
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Well, I'm really moved.
I really am.
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I really admire what
you've done
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with your career.
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Are you reading this?
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No, I'm talking to you
as a human being, schmuck!
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Now, listen to me.
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I'm gonna do youa big favor.
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Yeah, what's the favor?
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I will not roast you.
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Oh, Leonard, come on.
The answer is no.
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I care about you
too much, Bill.
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Oh, Leonard, I'm--
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Bill?
Yeah?
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Live long, prosper.
53
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Oh, live long and prosper.
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I love you.I love your family.
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Give them all my best.
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Oh, I'll do that.Thank you, Leonard.
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You're welcome.Take care.
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Pointy-eared pussy.
Eat my balls.
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What?
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I'm still on the phone!
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Does that mean
you've reconsidered?
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Get out of my life!
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Douche bag.
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I am...T.J. Hooker.
James T. Kirk.
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00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:04,498
Will you calm down?
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00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,498
Energize.
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There's a man out there.
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4 Adam 30,
pursuit terminated.
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Mr. Tambourine man!
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Kahn!
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(male announcer)
It's the Comedy CentralRoast of William Shatner.
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With your roast master...
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And roasters...
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And special appearances by...
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(Shatner)
Fire photon torpedoes.
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(announcer)
And now please welcome
tonight's roast master
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Jason Alexander!
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Thank you.
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00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,498
Tonight,
Comedy Central honors
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an Emmy award-winning actor,
a director, an author,
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00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:13,498
a sportsman, a chef,
an equestrian, a humanitarian,
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and if I may say,
a very, very good eater.
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I speak of course
of the great William Shatner.
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[cheers and applause]
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I love William Shatner.
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I will repeat that.
I love William Shatner.
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I have studied
this man's work
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since I was
a little boy.
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He is the reason
I became an actor.
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I am serious about that.
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He's also the reason
I needed so many
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frigging years
of acting lessons
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to break me out of this style
of only...
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talking two...or three words
at a time.
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Who the hell...
talks like this?
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Unless they're...
constipated?
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And trying to take a big...
stinking...crap?
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Khan!
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I'm sorry, once you start...
100
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William Shatner's career
has lasted over 50 years
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in which he's had
an incredible two,
102
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maybe three-year run.
103
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Which, as I do the math,
means there's 47 years of...
104
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Well...let's take a look.
105
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Allow me to
introduce myself,
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William J. Baxter,
Louisville, Kentucky.
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I'm Joe Conrad.
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I am Brandywine Gage.
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I'm Denny Crane.
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T.J. Hooker is the name.
111
00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:33,498
I'm Captain James. T. Kirk.
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00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:35,498
[Christina Aguilera's
Ain't No Other Man]
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-I'm a legend.
-Right.
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♪ Ain't no other man
can stand ♪
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Scotty, beam us up fast.
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Fire.
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Lock and load.
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♪ You're the kind of guy
a girl finds ♪
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♪ In a blue moon
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♪ You got soul
you got class ♪
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♪ You got style
you're badass ♪
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♪ Ain't no other man
it's true ♪
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Oh, yes!
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♪ Ain't no other man
but you ♪
125
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The pale eyes
will die!
126
00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,498
[war cry]
127
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:01,498
[Beastie Boy's
Ch-Check it Out]
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00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,498
♪ All you Trekkies
and TV addicts ♪
129
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:05,498
♪ Don't mean to dis
don't mean to bring static ♪
130
00:05:05,499 --> 00:05:07,498
♪ All you Klingons
in your Grandma's house ♪
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If you could fight
any celebrity,
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who would you fight?
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I'd fight William Shatner.
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Come on!
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Caesar of the stars.
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Bring me to Octavius.
137
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It's for you, Hooker.
138
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- Hooker.
- Hooker.
139
00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:19,498
- Sorry, Hooker.
- I love you, Hooker.
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It's the only way, Hooker.
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Kahn!
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00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:29,498
♪ Everything I do
I do with William Shatner ♪
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Hey, when you've been around
as long as I have,
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you get plugged in.
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Were you able to jump
on the hood?
146
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Oh, yeah!
147
00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:37,498
You okay there, T.J.?
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Dammit!
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00:05:38,499 --> 00:05:40,498
Aaaah!
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I can't believe I kissed you.
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Must have been
your lifelong ambition.
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Aaah!
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00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:45,498
So how was
your trip, sir?
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I saw something
on the wing of the plane!
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♪ I don't want
to go to work ♪
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00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:51,498
♪ Just wanna hang
with Captain Kirk ♪
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Get a life,
will you people?
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♪ Don't you wish
that you could do it too ♪
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Oh, man, I love it.
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[laughing]
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Ladies and gentlemen,
I direct your attention
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to a very special chair.
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A chair that millions
of Star Trek fans
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have grown up watching
and dreaming about.
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A chair that has
been on display
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at the Science Fiction Museum
Hall of Fame in Seattle.
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For that is the actual
command chair
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of the proudest vesselever to sail
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in the Starfleet Command,the USS Enterprise.
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And there is only one ass
big enough to fill it!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. William Shatner!
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♪ Ride Captain ride
upon your mystery ship ♪
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♪ Be amazed
at the friends ♪
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♪ You have there
on your trip ♪
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♪ Ride captain ride
upon your mystery ship ♪
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♪ On your way to a world
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♪ That others
might have missed ♪
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Thank you.
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♪ Ride captain ride
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00:07:16,499 --> 00:07:17,498
Thank you.
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00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:19,498
♪ Upon your mystery ship
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Now, that's an entrance.
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I'm here.
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I'm sitting.
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Bill, if may say,
that chair fits you
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like your girdle
from seasons 2 and 3.
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It was just beautiful.
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Beautiful.
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00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,498
William Shatner was born
in Montreal, Canada in 1931.
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The son of Jewish immigrants.
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That's right, folks,
Captain Kirk is a Jew!
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Whoo!
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L'Chaim, baby!
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You got it.
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Tell Mel Gibson to shove
that photon torpedo
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right up his ass.
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[cheers and applause]
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00:07:58,499 --> 00:08:01,083
But look who else is here
from Star Trek.
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00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:02,498
The wonderful--where is
he, Mr. Sulu!
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00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:04,499
Mr. George Takei!
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00:08:06,499 --> 00:08:08,498
Right there on our dais.
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00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:10,498
This is the only man
who came out
203
00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:13,498
and had Out magazine say,
"Who asked you?"
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Go back.
In, go.
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00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:18,498
And Lieutenant Uhura,
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00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:21,499
the lovely Nichelle Nichols
is with us this evening.
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00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,498
Out in the crowd tonight,
we do have
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one of your co-stars
from T.J. Hooker.
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00:08:30,499 --> 00:08:33,498
The wonderful
Adrian Zmed is here.
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There he is.
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Adrian, wanted to beon the dais,
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but we needed celebrities.
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Your other Hooker co-star
Heather Locklear,
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00:08:46,499 --> 00:08:47,498
the beautiful
Heather Locklear.
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She wanted to come tonight.
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00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:50,498
But she's dating
David Spade now,
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00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:53,499
and she may never
come again, so...
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00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:01,874
[cheers]
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00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,498
As for the peoplewho did
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00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:06,498
make it here tonight,
we have a veritable...
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00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:08,498
who's that of comedy.
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00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:10,499
[laughter]
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00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:13,498
They all share
one thing in common,
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00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:15,498
not one of them
has ever met you, Bill.
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00:09:15,499 --> 00:09:18,498
And I think
that's why they're here.
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00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:19,498
Because Bill Shatner,
my friends,
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00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:22,498
is a man who has
millions of fans
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00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:24,498
all around the world.
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00:09:24,499 --> 00:09:26,498
All of them who continue
to live with their parents.
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00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:29,498
And he is loved.
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00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,499
Bill, as we all know,
is an accomplished director.
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00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:33,499
His masterpiece,
of course,
233
00:09:34,499 --> 00:09:37,499
Star Trek 5:The Death of a Franchise.
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00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:42,498
Five.
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00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,498
He's also
a great humanitarian,
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00:09:44,499 --> 00:09:45,498
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:50,498
For charity, this man
sold his own kidney stone
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00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:54,498
for $75,000.
239
00:09:54,499 --> 00:09:55,498
Most of us
can't be bothered
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00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:56,498
to sign a picture.
241
00:09:56,499 --> 00:09:58,498
This man
gave a kidney stone.
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00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:00,498
Next month,
he auctioning off
243
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,498
an anal cyst
for Jerry's Kids,
244
00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:05,498
a benign mole
for Katrina relief,
245
00:10:05,499 --> 00:10:06,792
and two feet
of irritable bowel
246
00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:09,498
for the United Jewish Appeal.
He's a giver!
247
00:10:09,499 --> 00:10:11,498
He is a giver,
ladies and gentlemen.
248
00:10:11,499 --> 00:10:12,499
[cheers and applause]
249
00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:18,498
Bill, you are a powerful,
and unique, and passionate man
250
00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:19,498
in everything you do.
251
00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:21,498
And one of the great joys
in my life
252
00:10:21,499 --> 00:10:23,498
has been in meeting you
and working with you.
253
00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:25,498
No one deserves to be
in that chair
254
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:27,498
more than you
because no one else
255
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:29,498
could have made it
such a place of honor.
256
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:30,498
So do live long
and prosper, my friend.
257
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,498
And enjoy this evening.
258
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,499
Congratulations.
259
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:41,498
Now let's bring up
the first of many roasters
260
00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:43,498
to rip you
a new asshole.
261
00:10:43,499 --> 00:10:46,499
Which you will no doubt
donate to needy children.
262
00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:51,251
Our first roaster
is here tonight
263
00:10:51,499 --> 00:10:52,498
only because he's Colombian
264
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:53,498
and Andy Dick
needed the cocaine.
265
00:10:53,499 --> 00:10:55,499
Mr. Greg Giraldo!
266
00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:07,498
Thank you,
Pillsbury Jewboy!
267
00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:10,498
Jason, that was
a refreshing change.
268
00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:11,498
These days,
the only time you're funny
269
00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:13,499
is on a rerun.
270
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,498
You've done--
271
00:11:16,499 --> 00:11:18,498
You've really tried
to hang in there after Seinfeld.
272
00:11:18,499 --> 00:11:20,498
You had shows like
Bob Patterson and Listen Up.
273
00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:22,499
Those shows disappeared faster
than a bowl of Percocet
274
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,499
at Farrah Fawcett's house.
275
00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:35,499
You've been in more turds
than Andy Dick's penis.
276
00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:45,498
Look at his dais.
277
00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:48,498
Fat guys, old ladies,
and an Asian.
278
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,499
I feel like I'm on a bus
to Atlantic City.
279
00:11:56,499 --> 00:11:58,498
Look at this,
Nichelle Nichols,
280
00:11:58,499 --> 00:12:00,498
Farrah Fawcett,
and Betty White.
281
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:02,498
Uh, I'll take women I would
masturbate to 30 years ago
282
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:04,499
for $1,000, Alex?
283
00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:08,499
What a--
284
00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:12,499
What a--
285
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:14,498
What a cruel joke.
286
00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:16,498
Three women you'd want
to fuck 30 years ago
287
00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:20,499
and one I wouldn't fuck
30 beers from now.
288
00:12:25,499 --> 00:12:28,499
Artie Lang, you...
289
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,499
You fat, drunk slob.
290
00:12:34,499 --> 00:12:36,498
Artie, your liver
has more holes in it
291
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:38,499
than Mel Gibson's apology.
292
00:12:40,499 --> 00:12:42,498
Your liver's so black,
Lisa Lampanelli
293
00:12:42,499 --> 00:12:43,498
tried to get it to
fuck her up the ass
294
00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:45,499
and never call again.
295
00:12:50,499 --> 00:12:52,498
Artie, your pal
George Takei is here.
296
00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:54,498
Sorry to pick on you,
George.
297
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:57,499
I know it couldn't be easy
being a gay Japanese man
298
00:12:57,959 --> 00:12:59,498
in the '50s.
299
00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:00,498
I mean, it had to be
almost impossible
300
00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:03,499
to pronounce "glory hole"
with a Japanese accent.
301
00:13:06,499 --> 00:13:08,498
George, you'll behappy to know
302
00:13:08,499 --> 00:13:10,498
that Jeff Ross is here.
303
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,498
Jeff is such
a huge asshole,
304
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,499
you won't have to
spit on your dick first.
305
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,498
To our guest of honor now,
306
00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:23,498
the great William Shatner,
everybody.
307
00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:25,499
Hi William.
308
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:28,498
Bill, it's uh--
309
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498
That was quite an entrance.
310
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:32,498
When I heard someone
was gonna come on a horse,
311
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:35,498
I thought, "Wow, the network's
really gonna let Andy Dick
312
00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:39,499
and Lisa Lampanelli
get away with murder."
313
00:13:40,499 --> 00:13:42,499
You're the horse!
314
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,498
Bill, you're not
just brilliant
315
00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:49,498
and old and fat.
316
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,498
You're--you're
an inspiration.
317
00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:52,498
You proved that
having no talent
318
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,499
can be seen as hip
and ironic.
319
00:13:56,499 --> 00:14:00,499
You overact more than
Betty White's bladder.
320
00:14:02,499 --> 00:14:05,498
Wow.Then, uh--
321
00:14:05,499 --> 00:14:07,498
Then, of course,
there was T.J. Hooker.
322
00:14:07,499 --> 00:14:09,498
The only thing I remember
about that show
323
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:11,498
was your hair and that
hot chick what's-her-face,
324
00:14:11,499 --> 00:14:12,498
Adrian Zmed.
325
00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:13,498
What, uh--
326
00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:16,499
What happened to her?
327
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:20,498
You're a humanitarian.
328
00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:21,498
You work with a foundation
to bring peace
329
00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:23,498
to the Middle East.
330
00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:25,498
And whatever it is
you're doing, keep it up.
331
00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:29,498
'Cause it's really working.
332
00:14:29,499 --> 00:14:30,498
It's really working.
333
00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:33,498
[cheers and applause]
334
00:14:33,499 --> 00:14:35,498
You know, Bill, one of the most
surreal parts of this business
335
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,498
is that I get to stand here
336
00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:38,498
and make fun
of a legend like you.
337
00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:40,498
You were an enormous part
of my youth
338
00:14:40,499 --> 00:14:42,498
and you made Captain Kirk
larger than life.
339
00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,498
And really, honestly
no actor who's ever lived
340
00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:46,498
could have done more
with that role.
341
00:14:46,499 --> 00:14:48,498
And the fact that you
continue to crank out
342
00:14:48,499 --> 00:14:49,498
the best work
you've done today,
343
00:14:49,499 --> 00:14:53,498
when statistically,
you should be dead,
344
00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:56,498
is really really inspiring.
Thank you very much.
345
00:14:56,499 --> 00:14:57,499
[cheers and applause]
346
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,498
This--this is a fight
to the death.
347
00:15:02,499 --> 00:15:04,498
(announcer)
Coming up, on the
Roast of William Shatner...
348
00:15:04,499 --> 00:15:06,498
People insult you.
349
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:07,498
(announcer)
Betty White...
They wanna make fun of me.
350
00:15:07,499 --> 00:15:09,498
(announcer)
Jeff Ross.
They're beasts.
351
00:15:09,499 --> 00:15:10,498
(announcer)
Farrah Fawcett.
352
00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:11,498
Just gonna be awful.
353
00:15:11,499 --> 00:15:12,498
(announcer)
And Lisa Lampanelli.
354
00:15:12,499 --> 00:15:15,499
I expect no quarter,
and I'm giving none.
355
00:15:22,595 --> 00:15:23,594
Our next guest
is the only person
356
00:15:23,595 --> 00:15:24,594
on this stage
who has fucked
357
00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:26,594
all four of
the Marx Brothers.
358
00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,594
Ms. Betty White,
ladies and gentlemen!
359
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,594
♪ Oh, no, not I
360
00:15:30,595 --> 00:15:32,594
♪ I will survive
361
00:15:32,595 --> 00:15:35,388
♪ Oh, as long as
I know how to love ♪
362
00:15:35,595 --> 00:15:36,594
♪ I know I'm still alive
363
00:15:36,595 --> 00:15:37,594
♪ I've got
all my life to live ♪
364
00:15:37,595 --> 00:15:40,595
Oh, thank you.
365
00:15:43,595 --> 00:15:45,595
Oh!
366
00:15:55,595 --> 00:15:59,595
And thank you
so very much and good night.
367
00:16:01,595 --> 00:16:05,594
Oh, Jason Alexander,
you are such a treat.
368
00:16:05,595 --> 00:16:09,595
You know, I was expecting you
to be just dreadful.
369
00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,594
Well, in all fairness,
370
00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:16,595
I was basing that on everything
you've ever done, but--
371
00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:21,594
But isn't this
just wonderful?
372
00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:23,594
I mean,
all you youngsters
373
00:16:23,595 --> 00:16:26,595
getting together
to tell naughty jokes.
374
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,595
Oh.
375
00:16:29,595 --> 00:16:30,594
It's like the great roasts
I went to
376
00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:33,594
in the good old days.
377
00:16:33,595 --> 00:16:35,594
Of course,
you wouldn't have been
378
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,594
allowed in, Nichelle.
379
00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:41,595
Sorry.
380
00:16:47,595 --> 00:16:52,594
Oh, we had our fun.
381
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:55,594
You know, I've been
a huge Trekkie
382
00:16:55,595 --> 00:16:57,594
ever since
the show first aired.
383
00:16:57,595 --> 00:16:59,594
And that's why
I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle
384
00:16:59,595 --> 00:17:02,594
and George Takei here tonight.
385
00:17:02,595 --> 00:17:05,594
'Cause, let's face it--
386
00:17:05,595 --> 00:17:09,594
we all know Shatner's nuts.
387
00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:13,595
But George has actually
tasted them.
388
00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:26,594
Whoo!
389
00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,594
Oh, it always
makes me laugh
390
00:17:28,595 --> 00:17:32,594
when I see Artie Lang
onstage,
391
00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:35,595
knowing I'm gonna
outlive him.
392
00:17:38,595 --> 00:17:40,594
Oh, no, no.
393
00:17:40,595 --> 00:17:41,594
No.
394
00:17:41,595 --> 00:17:44,594
Oh, but you know
who I love.
395
00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,594
Look at that Patton Oswalt.
396
00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:49,594
So adorable.
397
00:17:49,595 --> 00:17:52,595
He's like
a plump little troll.
398
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:58,595
Backstage I caught him
going up on Farrah Fawcett.
399
00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:07,594
Oh, Farrah, you know
I don't mean any of this.
400
00:18:07,595 --> 00:18:10,594
I feel such a specialconnection to you, Farrah.
401
00:18:10,595 --> 00:18:11,971
I'm in my 80s,
402
00:18:12,595 --> 00:18:16,595
and that's the last decade
you mattered.
403
00:18:21,595 --> 00:18:25,594
And who else
is here tonight?
404
00:18:25,595 --> 00:18:27,594
Uh, where's Spock?
405
00:18:27,595 --> 00:18:29,594
And James Spader?
406
00:18:29,595 --> 00:18:31,595
And Bones and Scotty
and...
407
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,594
Oh, Bill,
all your friends
408
00:18:34,595 --> 00:18:37,595
are either dead
or they hate you.
409
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,594
To be fair, I'm a little
of column A
410
00:18:41,595 --> 00:18:43,595
and a little
of column B.
411
00:18:46,595 --> 00:18:49,594
But you look great.
412
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:54,595
You know, they make
1% milk now.
413
00:19:01,595 --> 00:19:02,594
Darling,
you were supposed to
414
00:19:02,595 --> 00:19:05,594
explore the galaxy.
415
00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:07,595
Not fill it.
416
00:19:09,595 --> 00:19:11,594
All joking aside,
417
00:19:11,595 --> 00:19:13,594
Bill can be
quite a charmer.
418
00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:15,594
I'm not ashamed to say
419
00:19:15,595 --> 00:19:17,595
that I once
had sex with Bill Shatner.
420
00:19:20,595 --> 00:19:21,595
[cheering]
421
00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:31,594
Oh, you should have seen him
sweating and grunting
422
00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:34,595
and so red in the face
and wheezing.
423
00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:39,594
Finally, I said, "Bill,
you better hurry up and finish.
424
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,595
In two minutes, they're
gonna start the roast."
425
00:19:49,595 --> 00:19:51,594
Of course,
I'm still joking.
426
00:19:51,595 --> 00:19:53,594
Bill is
a happily married man.
427
00:19:53,595 --> 00:19:57,594
I caught the bouquet
at Bill's wedding.
428
00:19:57,595 --> 00:19:59,594
And I hope I'm still around
to catch the cock ring
429
00:19:59,595 --> 00:20:01,595
at Sulu's.
430
00:20:08,595 --> 00:20:12,594
Bill, the truth is,
I dearly love you.
431
00:20:12,595 --> 00:20:15,594
I've always admired you
as an actor.
432
00:20:15,595 --> 00:20:19,594
I think you're funny
and smart and kind.
433
00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,594
And I was so excited
when I found out
434
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:26,594
I'd be working with you
on Boston Legal.
435
00:20:26,595 --> 00:20:29,594
Till I worked with you
on Boston Legal.
436
00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:31,595
Good night!
437
00:20:42,595 --> 00:20:43,594
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
438
00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:47,595
the roastmaster general,
Mr. Jeffrey Ross!
439
00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:58,594
All right.
440
00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:01,594
Thank you, Artie.
441
00:21:01,595 --> 00:21:04,594
Artie's here just to
finish people's drinks.
442
00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:06,594
[laughter]
443
00:21:06,595 --> 00:21:07,595
That's good, you're likethe Chris Farley
444
00:21:08,595 --> 00:21:10,594
of satellite radio.
445
00:21:10,595 --> 00:21:11,595
[laughter]
446
00:21:13,595 --> 00:21:15,594
Jason Alexander.
447
00:21:15,595 --> 00:21:16,594
Sir.
448
00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:18,594
You clearly come from
the planet Trying-too-hard.
449
00:21:18,595 --> 00:21:20,595
[laughter]
450
00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:23,594
You sing, you dance,
you act.
451
00:21:23,595 --> 00:21:26,595
You do everything
but make people laugh.
452
00:21:28,595 --> 00:21:31,595
But I did love you in
March of the Penguins.
453
00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:37,595
Yeah!
454
00:21:38,595 --> 00:21:39,594
As many of you know,
455
00:21:39,595 --> 00:21:42,594
last year Comedy Central
threw a very successful roast
456
00:21:42,595 --> 00:21:43,594
of Pamela Anderson.
457
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,594
And this year, in keeping
with that tradition,
458
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:48,595
we're roasting another
bad actor with big tits.
459
00:21:53,595 --> 00:21:55,594
Look at you!
460
00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:56,594
Look at you, Shatner.
461
00:21:56,595 --> 00:21:59,595
You have let yourself
boldly go.
462
00:22:02,595 --> 00:22:03,594
When did you go
from Captain Kirk
463
00:22:03,595 --> 00:22:05,595
to Captain Crunch?
464
00:22:07,595 --> 00:22:10,595
You left T.J. Hooker
and went to P.F. Chang's!
465
00:22:14,595 --> 00:22:17,595
You work at Boston Legal
or Boston Market?
466
00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:20,594
If Scotty tried to
beam you up now,
467
00:22:20,595 --> 00:22:22,595
you'd break
the fucking transporter.
468
00:22:24,595 --> 00:22:27,594
But I must admit I am
the world's biggest
469
00:22:27,595 --> 00:22:28,594
Star Trek fan.
470
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:30,594
I've seen every episode
a million times.
471
00:22:30,595 --> 00:22:32,594
And I always wished
just once...
472
00:22:32,595 --> 00:22:33,594
Just once
that spaceship of yours
473
00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:36,595
would land on a planet
with an acting school.
474
00:22:39,595 --> 00:22:41,594
You sound like
you forgot...
475
00:22:41,595 --> 00:22:43,595
your fucking...
lines.
476
00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:49,594
And now you play a guy
with Alzheimer's?
477
00:22:49,595 --> 00:22:50,595
That's a fucking
lucky break, huh?
478
00:22:54,595 --> 00:22:56,594
Hey, if ain't broke,
479
00:22:56,595 --> 00:22:58,595
don't fix it,
you know what I'm saying?
480
00:23:02,595 --> 00:23:04,594
But seriously, this is
such a huge honor for me
481
00:23:04,595 --> 00:23:09,594
to be roasting the spokesman
for priceline.com.
482
00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:13,595
Who we roasting next year,
the Travelocity gnome?
483
00:23:15,595 --> 00:23:17,594
What happened, we couldn't
get the lizard from GEICO
484
00:23:17,595 --> 00:23:19,595
up in this motherfucker?
485
00:23:22,595 --> 00:23:24,594
Anyway, speaking of Shatner,
486
00:23:24,595 --> 00:23:27,595
Betty White
just shat in her pants.
487
00:23:32,595 --> 00:23:34,594
All right, Farrah Fawcett,
let's face it.
488
00:23:34,595 --> 00:23:36,594
Farrah, the truth is
my whole life
489
00:23:36,595 --> 00:23:38,594
I had that poster of you.
490
00:23:38,595 --> 00:23:40,594
And as a kid
I would always
491
00:23:40,595 --> 00:23:42,594
masturbate to it,
hoping that I wouldn't go blind.
492
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:46,595
And now that
I see you in person...
493
00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:50,595
What the fuck?
It's a roast!
494
00:23:52,595 --> 00:23:54,594
Betty White, can youexplain the jokes
495
00:23:54,595 --> 00:23:58,594
to Farrah, please?
496
00:23:58,595 --> 00:23:59,594
After last year's roast,
497
00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:02,594
Andy Dick
kissed my girlfriend's hand.
498
00:24:02,595 --> 00:24:04,595
40 minutes later,
she was dead.
499
00:24:09,595 --> 00:24:10,594
Andy Dick's
sole mission in life
500
00:24:10,595 --> 00:24:12,595
is to give AIDS
back to the monkeys.
501
00:24:21,595 --> 00:24:22,594
No, the truth is,
Mr. Shatner,
502
00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,262
growing up I always
had a strong distrust
503
00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:27,595
for both Klingons
and Puerto Ricans.
504
00:24:28,388 --> 00:24:31,594
But watching Star Trek
taught me
505
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:32,594
it doesn't matter
whether you're black or white
506
00:24:32,595 --> 00:24:34,594
or blue or green
507
00:24:34,595 --> 00:24:36,594
or an old washed-up bag
like Betty White.
508
00:24:36,595 --> 00:24:38,594
We all want
the same things in life
509
00:24:38,595 --> 00:24:40,594
and that's to live long
and prosper.
510
00:24:40,595 --> 00:24:41,594
I love you, man.
511
00:24:41,595 --> 00:24:43,595
Nanu Nanu.
512
00:24:49,595 --> 00:24:51,594
(announcer)
Coming up, Artie Lang,
513
00:24:51,595 --> 00:24:52,594
Fred Willard,
514
00:24:52,595 --> 00:24:53,595
and Sandra Bullock.
515
00:24:55,686 --> 00:24:57,685
Hi, I'm Sandra Bullock.
516
00:24:57,686 --> 00:24:59,685
And I worked with
William Shatner
517
00:24:59,686 --> 00:25:01,685
on the Miss Congeniality
movies.
518
00:25:01,686 --> 00:25:03,685
You know,
I think it is so great
519
00:25:03,686 --> 00:25:05,685
that everyone got together
to salute Bill
520
00:25:05,686 --> 00:25:07,685
and have some laughs
at his expense.
521
00:25:07,686 --> 00:25:11,685
But, you know,
please, please don't be too mean
522
00:25:11,686 --> 00:25:12,685
to him tonight.
523
00:25:12,686 --> 00:25:16,685
'Cause the truth is,
Bill is a nice, sweet...
524
00:25:16,686 --> 00:25:18,685
kindhearted old man.
525
00:25:18,686 --> 00:25:21,685
And it's really not cool
to make fun of the elderly
526
00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:23,685
and the feeble.
527
00:25:23,686 --> 00:25:25,685
And the incontinent.
528
00:25:25,686 --> 00:25:26,685
And everything else
that Bill is.
529
00:25:26,686 --> 00:25:28,685
Just, you know,
just try to be sensitive
530
00:25:28,686 --> 00:25:32,685
to how it must feel
to be so close to death
531
00:25:32,686 --> 00:25:34,685
and addlebrained.
532
00:25:34,686 --> 00:25:36,686
I mean, half the time
on the set of
533
00:25:37,104 --> 00:25:40,685
Miss Congeniality...
534
00:25:40,686 --> 00:25:43,685
Wow.
This is hard..
535
00:25:43,686 --> 00:25:45,685
Bill thought he was
on the deck
536
00:25:45,686 --> 00:25:46,685
of the Enterprise.
537
00:25:46,686 --> 00:25:50,685
And...for some reason,
he'd walk up behind me
538
00:25:50,686 --> 00:25:52,685
and he'd cup my buttocks
with his hands
539
00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:54,685
and call me Sulu.
540
00:25:54,686 --> 00:25:56,685
And each day at 2:30,
541
00:25:56,686 --> 00:25:57,685
he had to go back
to his trailer
542
00:25:57,686 --> 00:26:00,685
with his nurse, who was
this really nice guy
543
00:26:00,686 --> 00:26:03,685
named Darnell,
for a medical procedure
544
00:26:03,686 --> 00:26:04,685
known as
milking the prostate.
545
00:26:04,686 --> 00:26:08,685
And I can't begin to imagine
how uncomfortable
546
00:26:08,686 --> 00:26:10,685
that was for Bill.
547
00:26:10,686 --> 00:26:13,685
Because Darnell had
what could only be described
548
00:26:13,686 --> 00:26:17,685
as these, like,
penis-sized fingers.
549
00:26:17,686 --> 00:26:18,685
You know, and Bill,
he's just...
550
00:26:18,686 --> 00:26:21,685
He faces each of
these challenges
551
00:26:21,686 --> 00:26:23,685
with dignity
and good humor.
552
00:26:23,686 --> 00:26:26,685
So...again,
553
00:26:26,686 --> 00:26:29,685
just go easy
on the old coot.
554
00:26:29,686 --> 00:26:31,686
Thank you.
555
00:26:34,686 --> 00:26:35,685
Our next guest,
ladies and gentlemen,
556
00:26:35,686 --> 00:26:36,685
is multi-talented.
557
00:26:36,686 --> 00:26:38,685
He can black out
and shit his pants
558
00:26:38,686 --> 00:26:41,686
all at the same time,
Mr. Artie Lange!
559
00:26:45,686 --> 00:26:46,685
What's up?
560
00:26:46,686 --> 00:26:49,686
Anybody else drinking
or wha--?
561
00:26:51,686 --> 00:26:53,685
Jason Alexander, my man.
562
00:26:53,686 --> 00:26:54,685
How you doing?
563
00:26:54,686 --> 00:26:56,685
Jason is a committed actor.
564
00:26:56,686 --> 00:26:58,685
Jason went from doing a show
about nothing
565
00:26:58,686 --> 00:27:00,686
to actually doing nothing.
566
00:27:03,686 --> 00:27:05,685
What do you say to someone
who played an icon?
567
00:27:05,686 --> 00:27:09,685
Someone who played a character
in science fiction history
568
00:27:09,686 --> 00:27:11,685
that was one of the best ever,
569
00:27:11,686 --> 00:27:15,685
and then gains a lot of weight
and becomes embarrassing?
570
00:27:15,686 --> 00:27:18,686
You say, "What happened,
Carrie Fisher?"
571
00:27:25,686 --> 00:27:26,685
George Takei is here,
my friend
572
00:27:26,686 --> 00:27:28,685
from The Howard Stern Show.
573
00:27:28,686 --> 00:27:29,686
The great George Takei.
574
00:27:32,686 --> 00:27:34,685
I'm friends with George
and we've hung out before.
575
00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:36,685
It's hard hanging out
with a gay guy all day,
576
00:27:36,686 --> 00:27:38,685
because you always feel like
you have to adjust
577
00:27:38,686 --> 00:27:40,685
the conversation so they
can relate to it, you know?
578
00:27:40,686 --> 00:27:41,685
Like with George,
I go,
579
00:27:41,686 --> 00:27:43,685
"So, George, I was
watching the Super Bowl--
580
00:27:43,686 --> 00:27:45,686
I mean sucking cock."
581
00:27:49,686 --> 00:27:52,685
Andy, good to see
you're doing well.
582
00:27:52,686 --> 00:27:54,685
A few years ago,Andy was loaded
583
00:27:54,686 --> 00:27:57,685
while he was driving his car
and he rammed into a pole.
584
00:27:57,686 --> 00:27:58,685
This is a big turnaround
for Andy,
585
00:27:58,686 --> 00:27:59,685
'cause usually
when he's loaded
586
00:27:59,686 --> 00:28:01,686
a pole is getting rammed
into him.
587
00:28:06,686 --> 00:28:08,685
Lisa Lampanelli, my friend.
588
00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:11,686
Lisa, you're an overweight,
annoying female comic.
589
00:28:12,686 --> 00:28:13,685
You're seven horrible
movies away from
590
00:28:13,686 --> 00:28:16,686
being Janeane Garofalo.
591
00:28:19,686 --> 00:28:21,685
A lot of people might say,
"Art, why hit Janeane?
592
00:28:21,686 --> 00:28:23,685
She's not here
to defend herself."
593
00:28:23,686 --> 00:28:24,685
And the answer is simple.
594
00:28:24,686 --> 00:28:26,686
I've met Jeanine Garofalo,
and she's a fucking cunt.
595
00:28:32,686 --> 00:28:33,685
Kevin Pollak's here.
596
00:28:33,686 --> 00:28:35,685
Kevin's here 'cause he just does
every hacky impression
597
00:28:35,686 --> 00:28:36,685
in the world.
598
00:28:36,686 --> 00:28:37,685
You're not gonna
see him again
599
00:28:37,686 --> 00:28:40,685
unless Comedy Central
roasts Peter Falk.
600
00:28:40,686 --> 00:28:42,686
[laughter]
601
00:28:45,686 --> 00:28:46,685
But William Shatner's here.
602
00:28:46,686 --> 00:28:48,770
Let's get to
the great William Shatner.
603
00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:50,685
Bill, I hate to say it,
but I was never
604
00:28:50,686 --> 00:28:51,685
a Star Trek fan.
605
00:28:51,686 --> 00:28:52,685
When I was a kid,
I had weird interests
606
00:28:52,686 --> 00:28:55,686
like football, baseball,
chasing pussy.
607
00:28:59,686 --> 00:29:00,685
Bill and I
have a lot in common.
608
00:29:00,686 --> 00:29:01,685
Bill was on T.J. Hooker,
609
00:29:01,686 --> 00:29:04,686
and I once banged a hooker
named T.J.
610
00:29:07,686 --> 00:29:09,685
Shatner's a hero to a legion
of Star Trek fans.
611
00:29:09,686 --> 00:29:10,685
What do they
call themselves again?
612
00:29:10,686 --> 00:29:12,686
Oh, yeah, queers.
613
00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:17,685
And Trekkies are not
the best with women.
614
00:29:17,686 --> 00:29:19,685
Shatner's responsible
for more people
615
00:29:19,686 --> 00:29:21,686
not getting laid
than impotence.
616
00:29:23,686 --> 00:29:24,685
But, Bill, listen,
I love ya.
617
00:29:24,686 --> 00:29:26,685
This is the part where we're
supposed to say thank you.
618
00:29:26,686 --> 00:29:28,685
You're on The Howard Stern Show
quite a bit,
619
00:29:28,686 --> 00:29:29,685
and we love having you there.
620
00:29:29,686 --> 00:29:30,685
And I say this
from the bottom of my heart,
621
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:32,685
go fuck yourself.
622
00:29:32,686 --> 00:29:35,686
Salut.
623
00:29:40,686 --> 00:29:43,685
Bill Shatner, uh, you are
one of our greatest actors.
624
00:29:43,686 --> 00:29:48,685
And I think I'm quoting you
correctly there, am I?
625
00:29:48,686 --> 00:29:50,685
You--you are a legend.
626
00:29:50,686 --> 00:29:52,685
And again, I hate to be
a nitpicker,
627
00:29:52,686 --> 00:29:53,685
but you misspelled
legend here.
628
00:29:53,686 --> 00:29:55,685
It's L-E-G--
629
00:29:55,686 --> 00:29:58,685
Good evening, Bill.
630
00:29:58,686 --> 00:30:02,685
Of course, in the famous
1968 episode of Star Trek,
631
00:30:02,686 --> 00:30:04,685
Billy boy and I shared
632
00:30:04,686 --> 00:30:07,685
an on-screen kiss
that made history.
633
00:30:07,686 --> 00:30:10,685
And I'll never forget
634
00:30:10,686 --> 00:30:13,685
what Bill said to me
after that kiss.
635
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:18,685
Eh, Sulu...uses...
more...tongue.
636
00:30:18,686 --> 00:30:21,685
[laughter]
637
00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:25,685
Now, Bill, what do you say?
638
00:30:25,686 --> 00:30:30,685
Let's make a little more
TV history.
639
00:30:30,686 --> 00:30:31,685
[cheers]
640
00:30:31,686 --> 00:30:33,685
And kiss my black ass.
641
00:30:33,686 --> 00:30:34,685
[laughter]
642
00:30:34,686 --> 00:30:35,685
(announcer)
Coming up...
643
00:30:35,686 --> 00:30:38,685
William Shatner
is not his real name.
644
00:30:38,686 --> 00:30:39,685
(announcer)
Andy Dick.
645
00:30:39,686 --> 00:30:40,685
You'll know more later.
646
00:30:40,686 --> 00:30:42,686
(announcer)
Farrah Fawcett and Ben Stiller.
647
00:30:43,827 --> 00:30:45,826
Hey, Bill.
Ben Stiller here.
648
00:30:45,827 --> 00:30:47,826
I got a call about
your big roast tonight.
649
00:30:47,827 --> 00:30:49,826
And they asked me if could
make some time to stop by.
650
00:30:49,827 --> 00:30:52,826
And you know what?
No, I can't.
651
00:30:52,827 --> 00:30:53,826
Too busy.
Know why?
652
00:30:53,827 --> 00:30:56,826
Because in 1975,
you didn't make the time
653
00:30:56,827 --> 00:30:58,826
to send me the autographed
Captain Kirk picture
654
00:30:58,827 --> 00:31:00,826
that I wrote
and politely asked for.
655
00:31:00,827 --> 00:31:03,826
Instead, you sent me
this letter.
656
00:31:03,827 --> 00:31:05,826
Which I saved.
657
00:31:05,827 --> 00:31:07,826
And really actually
had a very...
658
00:31:07,827 --> 00:31:09,826
Very big impact on me.
659
00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:12,826
"Dear Ben Shit-for-brains,
660
00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:15,826
nice fucking letter,
dick lick."
661
00:31:15,827 --> 00:31:17,826
I was ten.
662
00:31:17,827 --> 00:31:19,826
"I assume you wrote mefor an autograph,
663
00:31:19,827 --> 00:31:20,826
"but I'm not sure
because I can't read
664
00:31:20,827 --> 00:31:22,826
"one word of
your chicken scratch.
665
00:31:22,827 --> 00:31:24,826
"Did you stick that crayon
in your ass
666
00:31:24,827 --> 00:31:25,826
and squat over the page?"
667
00:31:25,827 --> 00:31:28,826
How drunk were you
when you wrote this letter?
668
00:31:28,827 --> 00:31:30,826
Huh?
In that hotel room?
669
00:31:30,827 --> 00:31:32,826
Surrounded by whores
and pills.
670
00:31:32,827 --> 00:31:34,826
And all the bad thoughts
that just couldn't be
671
00:31:34,827 --> 00:31:38,826
washed away by any
mind-altering substance.
672
00:31:38,827 --> 00:31:39,826
"Why don't you go grab
dad's crowbar
673
00:31:39,827 --> 00:31:41,826
"and pop your head
out of your ass
674
00:31:41,827 --> 00:31:43,826
and check out my new show
Barbary Coast."
675
00:31:43,827 --> 00:31:44,826
Oh, that was a gem.
676
00:31:44,827 --> 00:31:46,826
"It's about action
and adventure
677
00:31:46,827 --> 00:31:49,826
"in Old West San Francisco,
which is the perfect town
678
00:31:49,827 --> 00:31:52,826
"for a mincy little tea bag
like you.
679
00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:55,826
"Or better yet, save a stamp
and call up George Takei.
680
00:31:55,827 --> 00:31:56,826
"It would make his day
knowing
681
00:31:56,827 --> 00:31:58,826
"that a 10-year-old boy
wants some photos from him.
682
00:31:58,827 --> 00:32:01,826
"And I'm sure he'd want
some of you right back.
683
00:32:01,827 --> 00:32:03,826
"Warmest regards,
Bill Shatner.
684
00:32:03,827 --> 00:32:05,826
CC: Gene Roddenberry."
685
00:32:05,827 --> 00:32:06,826
You know what, Bill?
686
00:32:06,827 --> 00:32:09,826
I did contact Mr. Takei.
Yeah.
687
00:32:09,827 --> 00:32:11,826
And he invited me over
to his place.
688
00:32:11,827 --> 00:32:14,826
And then he told me his lap
was a transporter
689
00:32:14,827 --> 00:32:16,826
and it would beam me
to heaven.
690
00:32:16,827 --> 00:32:19,826
So that worked out great
for me.
691
00:32:19,827 --> 00:32:23,827
Um...
692
00:32:23,870 --> 00:32:26,826
Shame on you, Sulu.
693
00:32:26,827 --> 00:32:27,826
Yeah, I know you're there.
694
00:32:27,827 --> 00:32:29,826
Shame on you.
695
00:32:29,827 --> 00:32:31,827
Don't look around,
'cause it's right here.
696
00:32:32,203 --> 00:32:34,826
And it's never
going away.
697
00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:36,826
Um, seriously, Bill,
have a great night.
698
00:32:36,827 --> 00:32:38,454
You've always been
a hero of mine.
699
00:32:38,827 --> 00:32:39,826
I'm a huge fan.
700
00:32:39,827 --> 00:32:41,826
And in words of
one Enterprise crew member
701
00:32:41,827 --> 00:32:42,826
who doesn't wear a girdle,
702
00:32:42,827 --> 00:32:47,827
live long and prosper.
703
00:32:51,827 --> 00:32:52,826
Ladies and gentlemen,
704
00:32:52,827 --> 00:32:56,827
Farrah Fawcett
is here tonight.
705
00:33:00,827 --> 00:33:02,826
And she's here for
a very special reason.
706
00:33:02,827 --> 00:33:04,826
She lives under the stage.
707
00:33:04,827 --> 00:33:07,827
Ladies and gentlemen,
Farrah Fawcett!
708
00:33:17,827 --> 00:33:20,826
Wow.
709
00:33:20,827 --> 00:33:22,826
[laughing]
710
00:33:22,827 --> 00:33:26,826
I don't think
I can do this.
711
00:33:26,827 --> 00:33:31,826
Jason, can you
come back up here please?
712
00:33:31,827 --> 00:33:32,826
I'm--sorry,
I changed my mind.
713
00:33:32,827 --> 00:33:34,826
I--I can't do this.
714
00:33:34,827 --> 00:33:36,826
What, you...
715
00:33:36,827 --> 00:33:38,826
I just--I can't be mean
to people.
716
00:33:38,827 --> 00:33:40,826
Oh, Farrah, it's easy.
Roasting someone is easy.
717
00:33:40,827 --> 00:33:42,826
You just look 'em
in the eye
718
00:33:42,827 --> 00:33:45,827
and you say something mean
about them.
719
00:33:46,827 --> 00:33:46,827
Like you're bald?
720
00:33:47,827 --> 00:33:48,826
Yeah, not me.
Not me.
721
00:33:48,827 --> 00:33:50,826
And beady-eyed.
722
00:33:50,827 --> 00:33:51,826
No, Farrah, not me.
Not me.
723
00:33:51,827 --> 00:33:53,826
Now, listen, no, you're supposed
to go after Bill.
724
00:33:53,827 --> 00:33:54,826
Go after Bill.
725
00:33:54,827 --> 00:33:55,826
But I...
726
00:33:55,827 --> 00:33:58,826
I was always told
that if you can't
727
00:33:58,827 --> 00:33:59,826
say anything nice...
728
00:33:59,827 --> 00:34:02,826
don't say anything at all.
Really?
729
00:34:02,827 --> 00:34:03,826
Well...
730
00:34:03,827 --> 00:34:05,826
Well, okay, there was
one strange moment.
731
00:34:05,827 --> 00:34:06,826
All right.
732
00:34:06,827 --> 00:34:08,826
I was going into
the ladies' room,
733
00:34:08,827 --> 00:34:11,826
Bill was coming out,
and I said,
734
00:34:11,827 --> 00:34:14,826
"Bill, what were you
doing in there?
735
00:34:14,827 --> 00:34:17,826
And why are you looking
so bloated tonight?"
736
00:34:17,827 --> 00:34:18,826
And he said,
"My name's not Bill,
737
00:34:18,827 --> 00:34:20,826
it's Lisa Lamanetti.
Lam...
738
00:34:20,827 --> 00:34:22,826
Oh, Lampanelli!
Yes!
739
00:34:22,827 --> 00:34:23,826
Yes.
740
00:34:23,827 --> 00:34:25,826
Yes.
741
00:34:25,827 --> 00:34:26,826
(Farrah)I'm so s...I can't...
742
00:34:26,827 --> 00:34:27,826
(Jason)No, you know what?
743
00:34:27,827 --> 00:34:29,826
She was probably
so crocked at the time,
744
00:34:29,827 --> 00:34:31,826
she said "Lamanelli"
and, uh, yes.
745
00:34:31,827 --> 00:34:32,826
No, no, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sure
that's what she said.
746
00:34:32,827 --> 00:34:34,826
Lampanelli.
Wow.
747
00:34:34,827 --> 00:34:35,826
Sorry.
748
00:34:35,827 --> 00:34:36,826
I'm good, aren't I?
749
00:34:36,827 --> 00:34:38,826
Yes, yes!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
750
00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:39,826
You're having fun, right?
751
00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:41,826
Yeah, I probably won't
remember any of it.
752
00:34:41,827 --> 00:34:45,826
That's right.
Tomorrow.
753
00:34:45,827 --> 00:34:48,826
No, I'm glad that you
got me to stay.
754
00:34:48,827 --> 00:34:49,826
It is my pleasure.
I'm glad you're here.
755
00:34:49,827 --> 00:34:52,826
Yeah.
I did it for you.
756
00:34:52,827 --> 00:34:53,826
Of course.
Yeah.
757
00:34:53,827 --> 00:34:55,826
And all jokes aside,
I really think that
758
00:34:55,827 --> 00:34:58,826
you're wonderful.
I do.
759
00:34:58,827 --> 00:34:59,826
And you and I
have a lot in common.
760
00:34:59,827 --> 00:35:02,826
We were both known
for our hair.
761
00:35:02,827 --> 00:35:03,826
And our boobs.
762
00:35:03,827 --> 00:35:06,827
And we both
fucked Lee Majors.
763
00:35:08,827 --> 00:35:12,826
But, Bill, what I really...
and I do, appreciate,
764
00:35:12,827 --> 00:35:13,826
is your singing.
765
00:35:13,827 --> 00:35:16,826
I loved your last CD,
Has Been,
766
00:35:16,827 --> 00:35:18,826
which was
originally titled
767
00:35:18,827 --> 00:35:21,826
Has Been See...
768
00:35:21,827 --> 00:35:23,826
Has Been...
Okay.
769
00:35:23,827 --> 00:35:27,826
Has Been--
Okay.
770
00:35:27,827 --> 00:35:27,827
Do it again!
Okay!
771
00:35:28,827 --> 00:35:29,826
I really loved your CD.
772
00:35:29,827 --> 00:35:32,826
It was originally titled...
773
00:35:32,827 --> 00:35:34,826
Okay, I'm not on anything.
I mean it.
774
00:35:34,827 --> 00:35:35,826
Now, stop it right now.
775
00:35:35,827 --> 00:35:38,826
I can do this on the natch.
On the natch.
776
00:35:38,827 --> 00:35:40,826
Okay, I loved
your last CD.
777
00:35:40,827 --> 00:35:44,826
Which was originally titled
Has Been Drinking Since Noon.
778
00:35:44,827 --> 00:35:45,826
Yeah!There you go.
779
00:35:45,827 --> 00:35:48,827
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
780
00:35:51,827 --> 00:35:52,826
With your permission,
781
00:35:52,827 --> 00:35:55,826
I think we should
show some clips
782
00:35:55,827 --> 00:36:00,826
of your so-called
singing career performances.
783
00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:01,826
Okay?
784
00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:03,826
I do love you.
785
00:36:03,827 --> 00:36:06,826
She packed my bags...
786
00:36:06,827 --> 00:36:11,826
last night, pre-flight.
787
00:36:11,827 --> 00:36:16,827
Zero hour.
9:00 AM.
788
00:36:18,827 --> 00:36:21,827
And I'm gonna be...
high...
789
00:36:26,827 --> 00:36:28,826
as a kite by then.
790
00:36:28,827 --> 00:36:33,826
♪ Keep it gay, keep it light
Keep it fresh, keep it fair ♪
791
00:36:33,827 --> 00:36:36,826
♪ Let it bloom every night
Give it room ♪
792
00:36:36,827 --> 00:36:38,826
Never stand still,
keep it moving.
793
00:36:38,827 --> 00:36:40,826
♪ Keep your love
a lovely dream ♪
794
00:36:40,827 --> 00:36:41,826
♪ And never wake it
795
00:36:41,827 --> 00:36:44,826
Come on, Mike.
♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay
796
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,826
♪ Keep it gay
797
00:36:46,827 --> 00:36:52,827
♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay,
Keep it gay ♪
798
00:36:55,827 --> 00:36:57,826
Rocket man.
799
00:36:57,827 --> 00:37:02,827
Burning out his fuse
out here...alone.
800
00:37:03,827 --> 00:37:07,826
I think it's gonna be
a long, long time
801
00:37:07,827 --> 00:37:10,827
till touchdown
bring me round again and find
802
00:37:11,827 --> 00:37:13,826
I'm not the man
they think I am at home.
803
00:37:13,827 --> 00:37:16,826
Oh, no, no, no.
804
00:37:16,827 --> 00:37:19,827
I'm a rocket man.
805
00:37:21,827 --> 00:37:28,826
♪ I go flying so high
when I'm stoned ♪
806
00:37:28,827 --> 00:37:31,827
♪ When I'm stoned
807
00:37:33,827 --> 00:37:36,826
♪ And I think it's gonna be
a long long time ♪
808
00:37:36,827 --> 00:37:39,826
♪ Till touchdown brings me
round again to find ♪
809
00:37:39,827 --> 00:37:42,826
♪ I'm not the man
they think I am at home ♪
810
00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:45,826
♪ Oh, no, no, no
811
00:37:45,827 --> 00:37:48,826
I'm a rock it man.
812
00:37:48,827 --> 00:37:50,826
Rocket man.
813
00:37:50,827 --> 00:37:53,827
Burnin' out his fuse
out here alone.
814
00:37:58,827 --> 00:38:00,827
Mr. Tambourine man.
815
00:38:02,827 --> 00:38:07,826
In a jingle...
jangle mornin'...
816
00:38:07,827 --> 00:38:12,826
I'll come following you.
817
00:38:12,827 --> 00:38:13,826
Hey.
818
00:38:13,827 --> 00:38:16,827
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man.
819
00:38:20,827 --> 00:38:22,827
Mr. Tambourine man.
820
00:38:24,827 --> 00:38:26,827
Mr. Tambourine man.
821
00:38:31,827 --> 00:38:36,827
Mr. Tambourine man!
822
00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:50,826
I took off
the Andy Dick costume,
823
00:38:50,827 --> 00:38:56,826
and I got more comfortable.
824
00:38:56,827 --> 00:39:00,827
My real true name
is Andy Kock.
825
00:39:02,827 --> 00:39:04,826
That's Kock with a K.
826
00:39:04,827 --> 00:39:07,826
It's actually a combination
of two names,
827
00:39:07,827 --> 00:39:10,826
Kirk and Spock.
828
00:39:10,827 --> 00:39:11,826
Confused?
829
00:39:11,827 --> 00:39:13,826
I brought
a little something
830
00:39:13,827 --> 00:39:14,826
that just might
shed some light.
831
00:39:14,827 --> 00:39:17,826
The actual Captain's Log.
832
00:39:17,827 --> 00:39:20,826
"I was just exiting
the shower tonight
833
00:39:20,827 --> 00:39:23,826
"when Spock
entered my quarters.
834
00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:26,826
"He stared at me hungrily.
835
00:39:26,827 --> 00:39:30,827
"Like Lieutenant Uhura
eyeing a plate of ribs."
836
00:39:32,827 --> 00:39:35,826
"I said, 'Spock!
837
00:39:35,827 --> 00:39:40,826
'Why aren't you...
manning... your post?'"
838
00:39:40,827 --> 00:39:42,827
That's the best
I can do.
839
00:39:44,827 --> 00:39:47,286
"'Captain, when was
the last time
840
00:39:47,287 --> 00:39:51,827
you had your
bunghole vulcanized?'"
841
00:39:54,827 --> 00:39:55,826
"He mounted me.
842
00:39:55,827 --> 00:39:58,826
"Boldly going where only...
843
00:39:58,827 --> 00:40:01,827
a few guys back in college
had gone before."
844
00:40:03,827 --> 00:40:07,826
"For a being
with no emotions,
845
00:40:07,827 --> 00:40:09,826
"his meat hammer
sure seemed to be
846
00:40:09,827 --> 00:40:11,827
angry with my butt."
847
00:40:13,827 --> 00:40:17,826
"Spock did give methe reach around.
848
00:40:17,827 --> 00:40:22,826
Or as he called it,
the Vulcan taint pinch."
849
00:40:22,827 --> 00:40:25,826
"Then he fired off
his photon torpedoes
850
00:40:25,827 --> 00:40:28,827
deep inside my worm hole."
851
00:40:29,827 --> 00:40:30,826
Ladies and gentlemen,
852
00:40:30,827 --> 00:40:33,826
our...
853
00:40:33,827 --> 00:40:36,826
guest of honor...
854
00:40:36,827 --> 00:40:38,827
was impregnated.
855
00:40:40,827 --> 00:40:45,826
I am the illegitimate
butt baby
856
00:40:45,827 --> 00:40:50,826
of Kirk and Spock.
857
00:40:50,827 --> 00:40:52,826
Kock!
858
00:40:52,827 --> 00:40:53,827
And, Mom?
859
00:40:57,827 --> 00:40:59,826
Even though
you abandoned me,
860
00:40:59,827 --> 00:41:04,826
I...I love you.
861
00:41:04,827 --> 00:41:08,827
And congratulations
on your big night.
862
00:41:09,827 --> 00:41:11,826
(announcer)
Coming up, Patton Oswalt.
863
00:41:11,827 --> 00:41:12,826
All right, sit down,
Courtney!
864
00:41:12,827 --> 00:41:14,827
Seriously, please--
oh, God!
865
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,975
You know, I just wanna
stop the show
866
00:41:20,976 --> 00:41:22,269
for a second
to say something.
867
00:41:22,976 --> 00:41:23,975
Lisa, I am glad
you're here.
868
00:41:23,976 --> 00:41:27,975
Last year Lisa Lampanellihad a polyp
869
00:41:27,976 --> 00:41:29,561
removed from her colon.
870
00:41:29,976 --> 00:41:31,975
And now I'd like to
introduce that polyp,
871
00:41:31,976 --> 00:41:33,728
Patton Oswalt,
ladies and gentlemen!
872
00:41:41,976 --> 00:41:44,975
I'm here
to talk about...
873
00:41:44,976 --> 00:41:47,975
William Shatner.
874
00:41:47,976 --> 00:41:50,975
Listen to that name.
Shatner!
875
00:41:50,976 --> 00:41:52,975
Shatner sounds like
876
00:41:52,976 --> 00:41:56,975
the barbaric yawp
of a Viking's cock
877
00:41:56,976 --> 00:41:58,975
as it splits a mighty elm
into kindling
878
00:41:58,976 --> 00:42:01,975
that you build
a roaring bonfire
879
00:42:01,976 --> 00:42:05,975
and then cook meat over
that you fill your belly with
880
00:42:05,976 --> 00:42:09,976
after you ass rape
an ice giant.
881
00:42:12,976 --> 00:42:16,975
That's what your name
sounds like.
882
00:42:16,976 --> 00:42:20,975
By the way, Andy, I saw that
new Jessica Simpson video.
883
00:42:20,976 --> 00:42:22,975
The one where
you lick the roller skate?
884
00:42:22,976 --> 00:42:27,975
I never thought I'd feel bad
for a roller skate.
885
00:42:27,976 --> 00:42:28,975
What the...
886
00:42:28,976 --> 00:42:29,975
All right,
sit down, Courtney.
887
00:42:29,976 --> 00:42:32,975
Seriously, please.
Oh, God.
888
00:42:32,976 --> 00:42:35,975
Oh, Jesus Christ!
889
00:42:35,976 --> 00:42:38,975
Wow!
890
00:42:38,976 --> 00:42:40,976
See you in ten years,
erections.
891
00:42:50,976 --> 00:42:51,975
Cable Ace nominee
Kevin Pollak,
892
00:42:51,976 --> 00:42:52,976
ladies and gentlemen,
right over there.
893
00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:58,975
Used to, uh...
894
00:42:58,976 --> 00:43:00,975
Former host of
Celebrity Poker Showdown.
895
00:43:00,976 --> 00:43:02,975
How the fuck do you
get fired from a job
896
00:43:02,976 --> 00:43:04,975
where all you gotta do
is say, "Nice fold, Coolio"?
897
00:43:04,976 --> 00:43:07,975
How does that happen?
898
00:43:07,976 --> 00:43:08,976
Good God.
899
00:43:11,976 --> 00:43:13,975
Carrie Fisher.
900
00:43:13,976 --> 00:43:15,975
Carrie Fisher,
ladies and gentlemen.
901
00:43:15,976 --> 00:43:17,975
As a nerd,
902
00:43:17,976 --> 00:43:19,976
you really are...
903
00:43:20,976 --> 00:43:22,975
In that gold bikini
in Return of the Jedi.
904
00:43:22,976 --> 00:43:24,975
Jesus God in heaven.
905
00:43:24,976 --> 00:43:25,975
Wow!
906
00:43:25,976 --> 00:43:29,975
Yes.
907
00:43:29,976 --> 00:43:30,976
Yeah.
908
00:43:33,976 --> 00:43:35,976
Oh, jeez.
909
00:43:42,976 --> 00:43:46,976
You just got a kiss
from Jabba the fag.
910
00:43:48,976 --> 00:43:51,975
You are so... so good
in that gold bikini.
911
00:43:51,976 --> 00:43:52,976
And then what happened?
912
00:43:53,976 --> 00:43:54,975
When they yelled "cut"
did you have
913
00:43:54,976 --> 00:43:57,976
a Vicodin-eating contest
with Chewbacca?
914
00:43:59,976 --> 00:44:02,975
Take it from a nerd,
let the wookie win, okay?
915
00:44:02,976 --> 00:44:04,975
I feel very good
about that joke
916
00:44:04,976 --> 00:44:06,975
because the message board
I tried it out on
917
00:44:06,976 --> 00:44:09,975
gave me an LMFAOW...
918
00:44:09,976 --> 00:44:15,975
uh, IHAP, uh, FEF...
um...
919
00:44:15,976 --> 00:44:19,975
AAMM, uh, IMD,
920
00:44:19,976 --> 00:44:26,975
um, YAMIRDMR, uh...FBNA,
921
00:44:26,976 --> 00:44:28,975
which as Brian Posehn'll
tell you means
922
00:44:28,976 --> 00:44:30,975
Laughing
My Figurative Ass Off
923
00:44:30,976 --> 00:44:32,975
While I Have
a Boba Fett Action Figure
924
00:44:32,976 --> 00:44:34,975
In My Real Ass
and My Mom Yells at Me
925
00:44:34,976 --> 00:44:37,976
to Turn Down my Rush
Fly By Night Album.
926
00:44:46,976 --> 00:44:49,975
George Takei
came out of the closet.
927
00:44:49,976 --> 00:44:51,975
By the way, when you
came out of the closet,
928
00:44:51,976 --> 00:44:53,975
did the door go...
[Enterprise door sound]
929
00:44:53,976 --> 00:44:56,976
when that happened?
930
00:44:58,976 --> 00:45:01,975
Farrah Fawcett,
you look so hot tonight.
931
00:45:01,976 --> 00:45:04,976
I'm serious, you are
so smoking hot.
932
00:45:05,976 --> 00:45:06,975
You really are.
933
00:45:06,976 --> 00:45:07,975
Although, keep in mind,
934
00:45:07,976 --> 00:45:10,976
batshit crazy
gives me a boner, so...
935
00:45:12,976 --> 00:45:14,976
Although--what the...
936
00:45:24,976 --> 00:45:26,975
Why do I feel like
Courtney Love
937
00:45:26,976 --> 00:45:30,976
killed Andy Dick
and put his skin on?
938
00:45:38,976 --> 00:45:39,975
Lisa Lampanelli.
939
00:45:39,976 --> 00:45:41,975
The queen of mean.
940
00:45:41,976 --> 00:45:46,976
Or as the kids call you,
the insult comic dog.
941
00:45:47,976 --> 00:45:50,975
Lisa Lampanelli has fucked
more black men
942
00:45:50,976 --> 00:45:52,976
than the Tuskegee experiments.
943
00:45:54,976 --> 00:45:56,975
Don't groan at that,
she does very well.
944
00:45:56,976 --> 00:45:59,975
Do you know how much bling
gets left in Lisa's snatch?
945
00:45:59,976 --> 00:46:02,975
It's like a pawn showdown there.
946
00:46:02,976 --> 00:46:06,976
Yesterday Carlos Mencia
tried to rob it.
947
00:46:12,976 --> 00:46:15,976
Luckily, he passed out
from the smell.
948
00:46:16,976 --> 00:46:17,975
William, look--
949
00:46:17,976 --> 00:46:19,975
I didn't really pick
on you that much.
950
00:46:19,976 --> 00:46:21,975
As a nerd, it really
is a big deal
951
00:46:21,976 --> 00:46:22,975
for me to be up here.
952
00:46:22,976 --> 00:46:24,975
It's hard for me to write
anything mean about you.
953
00:46:24,976 --> 00:46:26,975
This means a lot to me.
954
00:46:26,976 --> 00:46:28,975
I'm gonna go now.
955
00:46:28,976 --> 00:46:29,975
But before I leave,
956
00:46:29,976 --> 00:46:31,975
just settle a bet
for me and my friends.
957
00:46:31,976 --> 00:46:32,975
Could you, uh...
958
00:46:32,976 --> 00:46:36,975
Could you act your way out
of this for me really quick?
959
00:46:36,976 --> 00:46:37,975
No?
960
00:46:37,976 --> 00:46:38,975
Folks, thank you very much.
961
00:46:38,976 --> 00:46:40,976
And thank you,
William Shatner.
962
00:46:45,976 --> 00:46:46,975
(announcer)
Coming up, George Takei
963
00:46:46,976 --> 00:46:47,975
and Lisa Lampanelli.
964
00:46:47,976 --> 00:46:50,976
I thought you dated Lance.
965
00:46:53,147 --> 00:46:57,146
They say behind every
great man is a great woman.
966
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:58,147
Unless you're our next guest.
967
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,146
Behind him is another
creepy old gay dude.
968
00:47:01,147 --> 00:47:03,146
George Takei,
ladies and gentlemen!
969
00:47:03,147 --> 00:47:04,147
Georgie!
970
00:47:10,147 --> 00:47:15,146
I've got a few things to say
about this bloated,
971
00:47:15,147 --> 00:47:22,146
washed up, pathetic,
no talent, bald hack.
972
00:47:22,147 --> 00:47:25,147
Jason, great job tonight.
973
00:47:30,147 --> 00:47:34,147
And a great job
last night too.
974
00:47:41,147 --> 00:47:42,147
[clears throat]
975
00:47:44,147 --> 00:47:48,146
Look at all the talent
we have in this room tonight.
976
00:47:48,147 --> 00:47:50,146
Farrah Fawcett, Betty White,
977
00:47:50,147 --> 00:47:54,146
Lisa Lampanelli.
978
00:47:54,147 --> 00:47:58,147
It smells like pussy
in here.
979
00:48:02,147 --> 00:48:07,147
I think.
980
00:48:12,147 --> 00:48:16,146
Andy Dick is here tonight.
981
00:48:16,147 --> 00:48:18,146
As a fellow gay man,
982
00:48:18,147 --> 00:48:21,146
even I have to say
983
00:48:21,147 --> 00:48:25,147
Andy, tone it down a little.
984
00:48:27,147 --> 00:48:29,146
And I have to say
a special hello
985
00:48:29,147 --> 00:48:32,147
to my cuddly muffin,
Artie Lange.
986
00:48:36,147 --> 00:48:40,146
Speaking of fat alcoholics...
987
00:48:40,147 --> 00:48:42,147
Good evening, Bill.
988
00:48:44,147 --> 00:48:47,146
My name is George Takei.
989
00:48:47,147 --> 00:48:50,146
Not Tak"eye", as you've insisted
on pronouncing it
990
00:48:50,147 --> 00:48:53,147
for the last 40 years.
991
00:48:56,147 --> 00:49:01,147
Remember--Takei,
like in toupee.
992
00:49:04,147 --> 00:49:06,146
All night long,
993
00:49:06,147 --> 00:49:12,146
I've had to stare at that
tangled, sticky, messy
994
00:49:12,147 --> 00:49:14,147
clump of fur.
995
00:49:15,147 --> 00:49:17,147
Farrah, please
close your legs!
996
00:49:18,147 --> 00:49:19,146
[laughter]
997
00:49:19,147 --> 00:49:21,146
Oh, no.
998
00:49:21,147 --> 00:49:23,147
Oh, no.
999
00:49:25,147 --> 00:49:29,147
At least Betty White
had the decency to shave.
1000
00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:38,146
Bill, there are
so many things about you
1001
00:49:38,147 --> 00:49:40,146
that I can make fun of.
1002
00:49:40,147 --> 00:49:43,146
Like your...acting.
1003
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:48,147
Your acting is the only thing
that makes me want to gag.
1004
00:49:51,147 --> 00:49:53,146
If I could only get my partner
1005
00:49:53,147 --> 00:49:58,147
to suck that hard,
I'd never leave my chateau.
1006
00:50:06,147 --> 00:50:09,146
Of course,
I'm only kidding, Bill.
1007
00:50:09,147 --> 00:50:13,146
Bill is a generous actor.
1008
00:50:13,147 --> 00:50:15,147
He gave Nichelle Nichols
herpes.
1009
00:50:20,147 --> 00:50:22,147
[George laughs]
1010
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:27,146
Ladies and gentlemen,
1011
00:50:27,147 --> 00:50:28,147
the first--
Give me a kiss.
1012
00:50:47,147 --> 00:50:52,146
But if Artie's
my cuddly muffin, Bill,
1013
00:50:52,147 --> 00:50:56,146
you are a rich, gooey
Devil's food cake
1014
00:50:56,147 --> 00:50:59,146
that I want to drop my face
into and go...
1015
00:50:59,147 --> 00:51:00,147
[makes raspberry sounds]
1016
00:51:14,147 --> 00:51:16,146
So...
1017
00:51:16,147 --> 00:51:18,146
despite our tensions,
1018
00:51:18,147 --> 00:51:20,146
I am honored that
you invited me
1019
00:51:20,147 --> 00:51:22,146
to be here with you tonight.
1020
00:51:22,147 --> 00:51:29,146
I can finally say what I've
waited 40 years to say.
1021
00:51:29,147 --> 00:51:33,147
Fuck you,
and the horse you rode in on!
1022
00:51:42,147 --> 00:51:45,147
Good night.
1023
00:51:54,147 --> 00:51:57,146
(announcer)
Coming up, Lisa Lampanelli
and William Shatner.
1024
00:51:57,147 --> 00:51:59,146
Be kind.
1025
00:51:59,147 --> 00:52:00,147
If you can't be kind,
be lousy.
1026
00:52:03,225 --> 00:52:06,224
Our final roaster gave up
a promising football career
1027
00:52:06,225 --> 00:52:08,224
to become a horrible comedian.
1028
00:52:08,225 --> 00:52:09,224
So many black guys
1029
00:52:09,225 --> 00:52:12,224
have been inside this woman,
she calls her pussy
1030
00:52:12,225 --> 00:52:15,225
"Roscoe's House of
Chicken and Waffles."
1031
00:52:16,225 --> 00:52:20,018
Lisa Lampanelli!
1032
00:52:20,225 --> 00:52:23,224
♪ She's a brick house
1033
00:52:23,225 --> 00:52:25,224
Oh, thank you!
1034
00:52:25,225 --> 00:52:28,224
Come on, clap it up
for Jason Alexander.
1035
00:52:28,225 --> 00:52:31,224
Come on, Mr. Potato Head.
1036
00:52:31,225 --> 00:52:33,224
I like you, Jason Alexander.
1037
00:52:33,225 --> 00:52:36,224
I find you sexy.
I'd make out with you.
1038
00:52:36,225 --> 00:52:37,224
Kiss me, you fat fag.
1039
00:52:37,225 --> 00:52:38,224
I've always wanted to see
1040
00:52:38,225 --> 00:52:41,225
what Jerry Seinfield's
cock tastes like.
1041
00:52:46,225 --> 00:52:47,224
We are here tonight to honor
1042
00:52:47,225 --> 00:52:51,224
show business legend
William Shatner.
1043
00:52:51,225 --> 00:52:54,060
[cheers and applause]
As you all know,
1044
00:52:54,225 --> 00:52:56,224
William Shatner
is an author too.
1045
00:52:56,225 --> 00:52:57,224
I've read your writing.
1046
00:52:57,225 --> 00:52:59,224
It sucks out loud.
1047
00:52:59,225 --> 00:53:01,224
Put it this way.
1048
00:53:01,225 --> 00:53:03,225
Your next project should be
a suicide note.
1049
00:53:06,225 --> 00:53:08,224
I'm kidding,
William Shatner.
1050
00:53:08,225 --> 00:53:09,224
Don't kill yourself.
1051
00:53:09,225 --> 00:53:11,224
Then Uhura over there
1052
00:53:11,225 --> 00:53:13,225
won't have anyone's house
to clean.
1053
00:53:18,225 --> 00:53:20,224
I kid.
I love you, Nichelle.
1054
00:53:20,225 --> 00:53:22,224
Or as they called you
on the Enterprise--
1055
00:53:22,225 --> 00:53:24,225
Mammy.
1056
00:53:28,225 --> 00:53:31,224
William Shatner is
not only a TV star
1057
00:53:31,225 --> 00:53:33,224
and a "writer."
1058
00:53:33,225 --> 00:53:37,224
As a singer,
he is beyond compare.
1059
00:53:37,225 --> 00:53:38,224
It's true.
1060
00:53:38,225 --> 00:53:42,224
When Elton John heard
William Shatner sing Rocket Man,
1061
00:53:42,225 --> 00:53:45,225
he spit George Takei's dick
out of his mouth.
1062
00:53:50,225 --> 00:53:53,224
Being Japanese and gay isn'tall bad, right, George?
1063
00:53:53,225 --> 00:53:54,224
It has it's benefits.
1064
00:53:54,225 --> 00:53:56,224
You can bow down to say hello
1065
00:53:56,225 --> 00:53:58,225
and take it in the ass
at the same time.
1066
00:54:04,225 --> 00:54:08,225
But enough about the Chinaman.
1067
00:54:10,225 --> 00:54:13,224
Jeff Ross is so unlikable
that on myspace
1068
00:54:13,225 --> 00:54:15,225
even Tom
won't be his friend.
1069
00:54:23,225 --> 00:54:25,224
Sorry for all the salty
language tonight, Betty White.
1070
00:54:25,225 --> 00:54:27,224
Betty White is a class act.
1071
00:54:27,225 --> 00:54:29,224
A real lady.
1072
00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:32,224
[cheers]
It's true!
1073
00:54:32,225 --> 00:54:33,224
Betty White is so old
1074
00:54:33,225 --> 00:54:35,224
that on her first game show
ever,
1075
00:54:35,225 --> 00:54:38,224
the grand prize was fire.
1076
00:54:38,225 --> 00:54:40,225
[cheers and applause]
1077
00:54:52,225 --> 00:54:55,224
Don't you laugh
at no elderly jokes, Shatner.
1078
00:54:55,225 --> 00:54:56,224
You're 75.
1079
00:54:56,225 --> 00:55:00,224
William Shatner's ball bag
hangs so low,
1080
00:55:00,225 --> 00:55:03,225
he has to hold it
when he takes a shit.
1081
00:55:04,225 --> 00:55:09,224
How does anyone that mediocre
get to be in that many movies?
1082
00:55:09,225 --> 00:55:12,225
Seriously, Kevin Pollak,
how does that happen?
1083
00:55:16,225 --> 00:55:18,224
Speaking of things that blow,
1084
00:55:18,225 --> 00:55:21,224
hi, Andy Dick.
1085
00:55:21,225 --> 00:55:23,224
Andy Dick is so gay,
1086
00:55:23,225 --> 00:55:26,225
his Chapstick
is cock flavored.
1087
00:55:29,225 --> 00:55:33,224
Andy Dick is so gay,
he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
1088
00:55:33,225 --> 00:55:34,225
[laughter]
1089
00:55:41,225 --> 00:55:46,224
But enough
about this poo pusher.
1090
00:55:46,225 --> 00:55:51,224
Tonight William Shatner
is our guest of honor.
1091
00:55:51,225 --> 00:55:55,224
Mr. Shatner has starred in some
amazing television shows.
1092
00:55:55,225 --> 00:55:59,224
T.J. Hooker was not
one of them.
1093
00:55:59,225 --> 00:56:01,224
What a piece of crap.
1094
00:56:01,225 --> 00:56:03,224
I tried to TiVo T.J Hooker,
1095
00:56:03,225 --> 00:56:06,225
but my TiVo suggested
I punch myself in the cunt.
1096
00:56:13,225 --> 00:56:17,224
In closing, I would like
to thank you, William Shatner,
1097
00:56:17,225 --> 00:56:20,224
for letting me
make fun of you tonight.
1098
00:56:20,225 --> 00:56:23,224
You are an icon
who is loved the world over.
1099
00:56:23,225 --> 00:56:27,224
And you're an inspiration
to performers everywhere.
1100
00:56:27,225 --> 00:56:30,224
William Shatner
is living proof
1101
00:56:30,225 --> 00:56:33,224
that if you are talented
and nice,
1102
00:56:33,225 --> 00:56:36,224
you can work forever
in this business.
1103
00:56:36,225 --> 00:56:39,224
Luckily for me,
if you're neither--
1104
00:56:39,225 --> 00:56:40,224
pffft, fuck it.
1105
00:56:40,225 --> 00:56:42,224
You can still be
on Comedy Central.
1106
00:56:42,225 --> 00:56:46,224
Thank you, William Shatner.
I love you very much.
1107
00:56:46,225 --> 00:56:48,225
[cheers and applause]
1108
00:56:52,225 --> 00:56:55,224
(announcer)
Up next, are you ready
for some Shatner?
1109
00:56:55,225 --> 00:56:56,224
Nobody's ever ready.
1110
00:56:56,225 --> 00:56:59,224
Go to comedycentral.com
for uncensored clips
1111
00:56:59,225 --> 00:57:01,225
and exclusive
red carpet footage.
1112
00:57:04,451 --> 00:57:06,450
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
1113
00:57:06,451 --> 00:57:10,450
the only person on this stage
who's actually employed.
1114
00:57:10,451 --> 00:57:12,450
A man who is
a national treasure.
1115
00:57:12,451 --> 00:57:13,451
In Canada.
1116
00:57:13,953 --> 00:57:18,450
A man...with balls
the size of...
1117
00:57:18,451 --> 00:57:21,450
well, giant old man balls.
1118
00:57:21,451 --> 00:57:23,450
Captain, my captain.
1119
00:57:23,451 --> 00:57:25,450
It's time to address your crew!
1120
00:57:25,451 --> 00:57:29,450
The man of the hour,
Mr. William Shatner!
1121
00:57:29,451 --> 00:57:32,450
[Elton John's Rocket Man]
1122
00:57:32,451 --> 00:57:36,450
♪
1123
00:57:36,451 --> 00:57:38,450
Oh, my.
1124
00:57:38,451 --> 00:57:40,450
♪ And I think it's gonna be
a long, long time ♪
1125
00:57:40,451 --> 00:57:42,786
Oh, wow.
1126
00:57:43,451 --> 00:57:45,451
Oh, my God.
1127
00:57:45,911 --> 00:57:48,450
No, it was bad.
1128
00:57:48,451 --> 00:57:49,450
It was bad as I thought
it was gonna be.
1129
00:57:49,451 --> 00:57:52,450
Painful. Painful.
1130
00:57:52,451 --> 00:57:53,450
How's the hair?
1131
00:57:53,451 --> 00:57:56,450
The hair is good?
The hair is good, okay.
1132
00:57:56,451 --> 00:57:58,450
Oh--thank you so much.
I appreciate that.
1133
00:57:58,451 --> 00:58:03,450
The only thing that really, uh,
hurts my feelings about tonight
1134
00:58:03,451 --> 00:58:06,450
is that you people
just weren't funny.
1135
00:58:06,451 --> 00:58:08,450
[laughter]
1136
00:58:08,451 --> 00:58:11,450
And I gave you so much
to work with.
1137
00:58:11,451 --> 00:58:12,450
You could've said
something like,
1138
00:58:12,451 --> 00:58:15,450
"Shatner's such a cheap Jew,
he only beamed himself up
1139
00:58:15,451 --> 00:58:17,450
after 7:00 when the rates
are lower."
1140
00:58:17,451 --> 00:58:19,450
See, that's funny.
1141
00:58:19,451 --> 00:58:21,450
That's why I have a level
of success.
1142
00:58:21,451 --> 00:58:26,450
Success that, based on
what I've seen tonight,
1143
00:58:26,451 --> 00:58:28,450
none of you will
ever achieve, all right?
1144
00:58:28,451 --> 00:58:31,450
Well, unless Lisa Lampanelli
wins the Kentucky Derby,
1145
00:58:31,451 --> 00:58:33,450
then you have success.
1146
00:58:33,451 --> 00:58:35,450
George, Nichelle,
1147
00:58:35,451 --> 00:58:37,450
it's really great to see you.
1148
00:58:37,451 --> 00:58:39,450
Because of our work together
1149
00:58:39,451 --> 00:58:41,450
on the bridge
of the fabled Enterprise,
1150
00:58:41,451 --> 00:58:44,450
it broke a lot of stereotypes.
1151
00:58:44,451 --> 00:58:45,451
Not only did we take a chance
1152
00:58:45,619 --> 00:58:49,450
and allow an Asian gentleman
to drive...
1153
00:58:49,451 --> 00:58:51,450
[laughter]
1154
00:58:51,451 --> 00:58:54,450
We--
1155
00:58:54,451 --> 00:58:56,450
We had a black woman sitting
in front of a large screen
1156
00:58:56,451 --> 00:59:00,450
who didn't yell things at it.
1157
00:59:00,451 --> 00:59:03,450
George, I had no idea
1158
00:59:03,451 --> 00:59:04,450
it would be so rough
on you tonight.
1159
00:59:04,451 --> 00:59:07,450
They really ripped you
a new one.
1160
00:59:07,451 --> 00:59:11,450
I'm sure you'll find use
for it though.
1161
00:59:11,451 --> 00:59:15,451
The guy's been trying
to suck my cock for 40 years.
1162
00:59:16,451 --> 00:59:17,450
George, for the last time,
1163
00:59:17,451 --> 00:59:21,451
I will not let you
suck my cock!
1164
00:59:24,451 --> 00:59:27,451
And Nichelle,
thank you very much.
1165
00:59:31,451 --> 00:59:33,450
And Greg Giraldo,
you don't matter.
1166
00:59:33,451 --> 00:59:35,450
You're inconsequential.
1167
00:59:35,451 --> 00:59:37,450
You're nothingbut a faceless drone.
1168
00:59:37,451 --> 00:59:38,450
If this were an episode
of Star Trek,
1169
00:59:38,451 --> 00:59:41,450
you'd be wearing a red shirt
and would've been killed by now.
1170
00:59:41,451 --> 00:59:43,451
[cheers and applause]
1171
00:59:47,451 --> 00:59:50,450
Kevin Pollak.
1172
00:59:50,451 --> 00:59:51,450
I'm glad my vast talents
1173
00:59:51,451 --> 00:59:52,451
have been able
to make you rich.
1174
00:59:55,451 --> 00:59:56,450
You've got more out of doing me
1175
00:59:56,451 --> 00:59:57,450
than any woman
I've ever slept with.
1176
00:59:57,451 --> 00:59:59,450
And that includes your wife!
1177
00:59:59,451 --> 01:00:03,450
So good for you.
1178
01:00:03,451 --> 01:00:05,450
Fred Willard, I've been watching
your career for many years
1179
01:00:05,451 --> 01:00:07,450
and I can honestly say,
1180
01:00:07,451 --> 01:00:10,450
I don't get it.
1181
01:00:10,451 --> 01:00:12,450
You're just so dry.
1182
01:00:12,451 --> 01:00:15,450
If you were any drier, you'd be
in Betty White's underwear.
1183
01:00:15,451 --> 01:00:17,451
[audience groaning]
1184
01:00:22,451 --> 01:00:23,450
And of course,
Farrah Fawcett is here.
1185
01:00:23,451 --> 01:00:25,450
And I think it's timesomeone told her.
1186
01:00:25,451 --> 01:00:27,450
Farrah's a wonderful actress.
1187
01:00:27,451 --> 01:00:30,450
She did that great movie
The Burning Bed.
1188
01:00:30,451 --> 01:00:32,450
Not to be confused
with Andy Dick's project,
1189
01:00:32,451 --> 01:00:35,450
The Burning Butt.
1190
01:00:35,451 --> 01:00:36,450
Which has been showcased
in clinics
1191
01:00:36,451 --> 01:00:39,450
throughout
Los Angeles and Tijuana.
1192
01:00:39,451 --> 01:00:41,450
And speaking of donkeys--
1193
01:00:41,451 --> 01:00:43,450
Get 'em, Shatner.
1194
01:00:43,451 --> 01:00:46,450
Lisa...
1195
01:00:46,451 --> 01:00:48,450
you are one
supremely funny lady.
1196
01:00:48,451 --> 01:00:52,450
[cheers and applause]
1197
01:00:52,451 --> 01:00:55,450
But you'd be a--
a much better performer
1198
01:00:55,451 --> 01:00:58,451
if every time you got on a roll,
you didn't stop to eat it.
1199
01:00:59,451 --> 01:01:03,450
Which brings me...
1200
01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:05,450
to our host, Jason Alexander.
Thank you so much.
1201
01:01:05,451 --> 01:01:08,450
Your work here is done,
my friend.
[cheers]
1202
01:01:08,451 --> 01:01:12,451
Jason said
he was inspired by me.
1203
01:01:13,451 --> 01:01:14,450
Why is everyone
who's inspired by me
1204
01:01:14,451 --> 01:01:18,451
such a fat fucking loser,
I don't know.
1205
01:01:19,451 --> 01:01:21,450
You know, I look back
on this amazing evening,
1206
01:01:21,451 --> 01:01:23,450
I can't help
but think to myself,
1207
01:01:23,451 --> 01:01:25,450
"Who the hell are you people?
1208
01:01:25,451 --> 01:01:28,450
Where do you get the nerve
to make fun of me?
1209
01:01:28,451 --> 01:01:30,450
What have you ever done?"
1210
01:01:30,451 --> 01:01:32,450
Do you know who I am?
1211
01:01:32,451 --> 01:01:34,450
I'm William Tiberius Shatner.
1212
01:01:34,451 --> 01:01:36,451
[cheers and applause]
1213
01:01:37,451 --> 01:01:38,450
Damn right.
1214
01:01:38,451 --> 01:01:42,450
I've saved the universe
hundreds of times!
1215
01:01:42,451 --> 01:01:44,450
I've created characters that
will stand the test of time.
1216
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:46,450
I've been to space!
1217
01:01:46,451 --> 01:01:51,450
[Star Trek theme music]
The final frontier.
1218
01:01:51,451 --> 01:01:56,450
These are the voyages
on the starship Enterprise.
1219
01:01:56,451 --> 01:01:58,450
The five-year mission:
1220
01:01:58,451 --> 01:02:01,450
to seek out new life
and new civilizations.
1221
01:02:01,451 --> 01:02:05,450
To boldly go where no man
has gone before!
1222
01:02:05,451 --> 01:02:09,450
Home to whack off
to Lisa Lampanelli.
1223
01:02:09,451 --> 01:02:11,450
Good night!
1224
01:02:11,451 --> 01:02:13,450
[Star Trek theme music]
1225
01:02:13,451 --> 01:02:15,450
[cheers and applause]
1226
01:02:15,451 --> 01:02:22,450
♪
1227
01:02:22,451 --> 01:02:25,451
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com
1228
01:02:33,496 --> 01:02:36,495
so if you guys like sound
and one camera,
1229
01:02:36,496 --> 01:02:39,495
I could do something
out of my house.
1230
01:02:39,496 --> 01:02:41,495
It might work.
1231
01:02:41,496 --> 01:02:43,495
There's three black guys
with camera equipment.
1232
01:02:43,496 --> 01:02:45,495
Like this shit
ain't stolen.
1233
01:02:45,496 --> 01:02:47,495
Yeah, I'm sorry, Bill.
They made me do it.
1234
01:02:47,496 --> 01:02:48,495
Thank you.
1235
01:02:48,496 --> 01:02:50,495
I took it like a man.
1236
01:02:50,496 --> 01:02:52,495
If anybody needs
to apologize to anybody,
1237
01:02:52,496 --> 01:02:54,495
he should apologize
for making me do this.
1238
01:02:54,496 --> 01:02:56,495
Piece of crap.
I never liked them.
1239
01:02:56,496 --> 01:02:58,495
Thank you!
I'll see you outside.
1240
01:02:59,496 --> 01:03:00,496
Assholes!
89200
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