Original subtitles

-MAN: Hello. -WOMAN: Hello.

Josh.

Hey, Dad.

Here he is. Big man.

Everybody's very dressed up.

Yep.

Yeah, it's a pleasure to see you, too.

Oh, my God, yeah, I have been doing squats, Dad.

Thank you for noticing.

How expensive is this place?

Yeah, okay, I'm buying you and Mum a nice dinner, okay?

You were worried about Mum, I was worried about Mum.

I just thought it might be nice if I bought you guys dinner, mm-hmm?

Well, you could have told me to wear a nice shirt.

Oh, don't be modest. That is a beautiful shirt.

-Really? -Mm.

-I'm not sure about it. -Mm-hmm.

Lock up your daughters, everyone, because Alan's here.

Alan is here to do things with your daughters.

-Thank you. -Sex things.

-Hey, Ma. -Hello!

-How are you, Rose? -Oh, yes, good. (LAUGHS)

-Can I take your coat? -Oh, yes.

-I'm Josh's mum. -Perfect.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Look at this gorgeous plating!

There is literally 15 dishes coming.

He didn't ask us what we wanted.

It's a set menu.

Oh, Josh, I've always wanted to eat 15 tiny little meals for dinner.

-Thank you. -Josh, I'm on a diet.

No. You're not on a diet.

WAITRESS: Our puffed pig's ear.

Dad, you made me drink fruit juice every morning

of my entire childhood, okay?

You don't get to be on a diet this evening.

It's too much, Josh.

It's too much.

Oh, bugger me, that's good.

MAN: I'm sorry to interrupt. My name's Dan.

I'll be taking care of the pairings this evening.

To begin, we're off to South Gippsland.

-A little blend of Riesling. -Thanks, Dan.

And a little touch of skin contact Semillon.

Cheers. Here we go.

Cheers. Eye contact.

-Eye contact! -Okay.

This is going to cost about 200 bucks a head.

Costs the same whether you complain about it or not, okay?

So, let's just...

Stop.

Sorry, I'm just tired.

All right, what's going on in your little head, little matey?

All I said, was that Grace has been watching the iPad a lot lately

and somehow Mae's twisted that to mean I think she's a bad mother.

Well, Grace has been watching the iPad a lot.

And then she said I had no idea,

and I said something stupid and stormed out.

Well, what did you say? You have to...

Don't skip that bit.

I said Grace probably thinks Peppa Pig is her Mum.

-(LAUGHING) -It wasn't funny.

I disagree. I think it's a little funny.

And now she's texting me.

Mm, my compliments to the chef.

I'll certainly pass those on.

Just text her and tell her you're sorry, okay? And then let's move on.

-All right. Good. -Good.

Feels better.

DAN: These nests are your golden eggs.

May be eaten shell and all.

Beautiful cured goose ham with gorgeous flavours of lavender

and cherry blossom.

-Thanks, Dan. -Thank you.

Josh, you meeting any new men?

Oh, you'll like this. I met a podiatrist.

Hmm, there you go.

But then he smoked meth.

Oh, well that's not good, Josh.

-(SNICKERING) It's not. -That is bloody serious, Josh.

It's not funny.

Yeah.

I mean, you must be clever, don't you think?

To be that successful and hold down a meth addiction.

I mean, that's impressive.

Please tell me you didn't do it.

(JOSH LAUGHING)

Is this an intervention?

I didn't organise my own intervention.

-It's destroying rural communities. -(LAUGHING)

Did you or not?

No I didn't. Of course I didn't!

Josh! Could everyone just behave, please!

I just had to make sure.

Sorry.

Tasty.

It's delicious.

I don't like you on these apps.

Why? You used to internet date.

What's the difference?

ALAN: Mmm. Aged beef is good.

Oh, that's not the same thing.

Don't you think that I don't know it's not the same thing, Josh.

Well, it depends on the app.

You know on Tinder, you get a selection of people's photos,

and if you swipe right,

it means that you like them

and if they also swipe right, Tinder introduces you.

Yes. Correct.

Oh, it does sound convenient.

Well, yeah, but then you run the risk of having to bed this bozo. (LAUGHING)

ROSE: It must be very vulnerable,

putting yourself out there like that, though.

Well, what choice do I have?

Where am I meeting people?

-There's no people. -Do you get rejected a lot?

Okay, you just learn to focus on the people that like you,

instead of the people that don't like you. It's fine.

I don't like the idea of you walking around

with all that rejection in your pocket.

It's just... It's really not like that.

I bet the first thing you do, every day when you wake up,

is to check your phone to see the time

and then, you get curious about those apps and bam!

Before you know it, you've been rejected before you even get out of bed.

Sometimes I get accepted.

And everyone making snap judgements based on your photo.

-Mmm. -Like, you're a sweet guy, Josh.

You know, how do you put that across in a photo?

Right, because I'd say, the most alluring thing about you

is your sense of humour.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't want to encourage you,

but I have a really lovely photo of you.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

-No, that is nice. -That's good.

-Mmm. -Yeah?

-I'll send you a picture message. -Oh, thanks, Mum.

-What are these? -It's fish eggs.

Do you miss Arnold?

Um...

Sometimes I think I miss him

but then, I think, maybe, I just miss having someone around

to fill the space and make noise.

Oh, like a wind chime?

-Yeah. -ALAN: And this?

BOTH: It's honeydew.

So, do you still talk to each other?

Sometimes he messages me that he misses John.

It's probably code for you.

WAITRESS: Porridge of sunflower seeds and winter walnuts,

enriched with lamb's udder that's been ageing for 13 months.

And just a touch of mackerel essence.

-Oh, yeah. -ALAN: Thank you.

Alan, how's work?

Oh, it's busy, yeah.

There's a lot more bullshit involved lately.

Good.

Dad, I think I have a confession to make.

ALAN: Yeah?

I don't think I know what you do.

Very funny.

What do you actually do?

How do my son and my ex-wife not know what my job is?

I feel like, maybe you told me when I was 13

and I didn't really understand it,

and then as I got older it got too embarrassing/scary

to ask you again.

I'm a managerial consultant, Josh.

Ah.

Yeah. Goes right over my head.

I was so sure that it had something to do with real estate.

Well, yeah, I invest in real estate, but it isn't my job.

Funny hobby.

DAN: So next, we have a little Syrah from McLaren Vale.

Some beautiful black fruits mixed with black pepper and some baking spices.

Absolutely stunning with the very happy duck that's coming next.

-Thank you, Dan. -Thanks, Dan.

What are black fruits?

Black fruits are like, you know, like blackberries or like blackcurrants.

Just dark berries.

And how do they get them into the wine?

No, they don't...

They don't put fruit into the wine.

They don't put the berries into the wine, Rose.

Have you been thinking all night

that they've been putting tropical fruit in the wine?

No, okay, so what it is, Rose. There just shouldn't be much else in wine

other than grapes, okay?

The reason why wine's interesting is because...

Like, the same variety of grape grown in different soil or different weather

would always taste different, right?

So they're just words that they use

to try and describe this particular flavour profile.

It's sort of why wine is so, like, romanticised,

why it can be so expensive, is because...

You can never replicate what's happening in that bottle.

That's a once off, just that one year.

That make sense?

Oh, I can smell the berries!

-JOSH: Yeah. -Yeah, I can.

Mm.

And spices and pepper...

You should be able to smell oak in there, too.

They do put the oak in.

That's interesting, isn't it?

No, I don't smell any oak.

There's no oak.

There's definitely... There's just definitely oak.

-Dan? -ROSE: Oh, God.

Is there oak in this?

No, no, this one's made entirely in steel,

but it does get a really nice sense of structure

from the terroir of McLaren Vale.

Is that a no?

-No, no oak in this one. -Thank you, Dan.

ROSE: Zero oak.

Bit of stainless steel.

-All right, all right. -(ALAN LAUGHING)

Don't embarrass me in front of Dan.

(ROSE LAUGHING)

I'm working on something here.

ROSE: Oh, yum!

(ROSE SQUEALING)

(ALAN CHUCKLING)

ROSE: Hey, do you remember the birds' nests?

Oh!

What? What's going on?

(ALAN AND ROSE LAUGHING)

On our honeymoon, on the island, there were these...

There were all these holes where the birds would lay their eggs.

They should have warned us in the brochure.

(LAUGHING) Your dad, every time we tried to go for a walk,

your poor Dad would just trip in one of the holes.

So furious. You can imagine.

BOTH: Fucking muttonbirds!

ROSE: And then he's up at reception.

Someone should fill in those bloody holes!

Well, they should have filled them in.

It was a health and safety hazard.

ROSE: Health and safety hazard.

Should have been in the brochure.

I feel like every time you guys talk about

the best parts of your relationship, it's always before I was born.

Yeah, oh, yeah, absolutely. There's no doubt about that.

Josh was definitely the worst part of the relationship.

-ROSE: No! -Okay.

Josh wasn't the worst part.

The affairs were the worst part.

JOSH: Ooh, ah.

-ROSE: What? -I don't...

No, it's fine. I'm just saying, the reason we broke up were the affairs.

Other than that, he's all right.

I think there were a number of reasons for the separation.

Oh, yeah, you had reasons. I was a nightmare.

But you know, the affairs, I couldn't look past them.

But you're not too bad.

Have you seen his emu impression?

Yeah. Yeah, we've all seen the emu impression, haven't we?

Oh, he's doing it now.

(ROSE GIGGLING)

JOSH: Great.

(ROSE LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Alan, sit down!

-Sorry, Dan. -ALAN: Sorry, Dan.

Sorry.

ALAN: Actually, I'm surprised you weren't bullied at school.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Of course I was bullied at school. What are you talking about?

No, you weren't.

-Were you? -How do you not know this?

Well, you never told us.

-Did he tell you? -Well, I had a feeling.

I didn't need to tell you. You saw me in school musicals.

Just because you were in school musicals doesn't mean anything.

It means I was bullied.

I did worry when you went to school in red tights.

Yeah, why would you let me do that?

I told you not to dress as a fairy.

I was Cupid, obviously, okay?

I mean, I had heart-shaped arrows.

What were we supposed to do?

Anything. Not driving me to school in red tights seems easy enough.

Oh, it was just so often, lovey.

It was the ritual theatre. The purple hair.

-Okay. -The cheerleading.

-Mmm-hmm. -Performing arts prefect.

-The accordion. -Yep, all right.

You had those full body bathers.

Anyway, we were all bullied at school a bit, weren't we?

Were we? Were you?

Oh, yeah.

You were... Who bullied you?

Nick Wasserman was constantly harassing me.

-How? -He was always calling me stupid names.

-What'd he call you? -Peaches.

-Peaches? -Peaches?

On the bus, across the oval. Always Peaches.

I mean, that's not so bad, is it?

Peaches. Delicious!

Ah, excuse me, my name is Alan.

-What did you call him? Just Nick? -Yeah.

Not Big Boy?

Sugar Lips? Nectarine?

-Nala? -No.

Did he do anything else to you apart from calling you Peaches?

Sometimes he'd turn up at my house unannounced.

So, your bully in school was a guy who gave you a delightful nickname

and then sometimes wanted to hang out.

I don't think that boy was a bully, Peaches.

I think he was in love with you.

-(LAUGHING) -Oh!

Why are you so desperate to have been bullied?

It's okay to have not been bullied.

Mae bullies me.

Oh, Mae's not a bully.

Okay, she's not. I just wanted to say that.

I don't know why.

Are you two all right?

Oh, yeah, we're...

We're working through things... No, it's good, it's good.

-So do you think you'll stay together? -Yeah, yeah.

Yes, you're staying together. Dad, you're staying together.

No, don't say that, Joshua.

Sometimes it's best to know when things are over,

and if they were to separate it's better to do it when Grace is young.

Shut up.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Fuck off.

Oh, God, that's fucked in the head.

That's like North Korea but in a lychee.

It's like blood diamonds, you know.

I'm going to list some other bad things now.

Okay, erm...

Income inequality.

Diabetes.

Cats.

Cat people.

What about getting a pimple in your nostril?

Murder.

And speed cameras.

Murdering lots of people.

Or when, erm, orcas are in captivity.

Vegans but not all the vegans.

Just quite a lot of them.

I haven't got one.

Erm...

Oh, Josh, erm...

I had something I wanted to tell you but I can't remember.

I'm not done listing bad things.

-Hitler! -Whoa, and we're done.

Yeah, you can't beat Hitler.

Oh, I remember. (CHUCKLES)

What? What is it?

I just wanted to remind you that you're shit at sports.

-(LAUGHING) -Brilliant. Funny.

Josh, have you heard from Hannah?

Yeah, we've been texting.

How is she?

Mm, she's getting bees.

I suppose those bees are going to be easier to live with than me.

I couldn't live with Hannah. (WHISPERS) Terrifying woman.

Just text her, okay?

She's got room in her social calendar for you.

No, I'm too scared to see what she says.

Do you want to send her a little video message?

Hey? That could be cute.

I know how to do a face swap.

-Hello, Hannah. -(GIGGLING)

(BURPS)

ROSE: Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's a smelly one.

Okay, I'm ready.

I'm already filming.

No, can we start again, Josh?

Nah.

-No, Josh, I really want to start again. -I'll edit it.

No, I don't... What am I going to say?

What do you want to say?

I'm sorry for being shit.

Well, then say that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry for being shit.

I hope you're well.

And put some papaya on your eye.

And end. Good.

Beautiful performance.

You didn't edit that, did you?

No, no.

Have you found someone to rent Tom's room yet?

Oh, my God, they're so far from moving out, you know.

They're not very good at doing things.

Well, you'd better bloody get onto it.

Yes, it's just that Tom is still in it.

Well, who do you think you're going to have move in?

I don't know.

Okay. Well, just make sure that you interview them

before you give them the room.

-I know, Dad. -Girls are neat.

-Are they? -No, they're not.

Make sure they sign the lease,

and make sure they direct debit the rent. No excuses.

Yes! Dad, I know all this.

Why do you think I don't know all this, okay?

I know, yeah?

Why do you always have to pre-empt my mistakes?

Can't you just let me do the thing

and if something goes wrong, then I'll deal with it?

You're always getting annoyed at me

before the potentially annoying thing happens.

I just think you need to calm down a bit, Josh.

Well, it's just never ending.

It's just always.

Insufferable.

Well, I have to pre-empt your mistakes

because I'm the one who pays when it all goes tits up.

Actually just not true, okay?

I haven't asked for your help lately.

Sometimes you turn up and get cranky,

but I've not asked you for nothin'.

Well, I do because I'm the bloody landlord!

But jeez, forget it then. I'm sorry.

No, Dad, you can't eat an artichoke and chamomile dessert like that, okay?

You have to be mindful. Just slow... Just stop it!

Okay, I... Okay, stop it.

I just want to say a few things.

Now, putting aside, when you're a bit of a brat with your Dad,

you're a great person, Josh.

(SIGHS)

No, you are.

Now...

I don't know if we just got lucky or...

If I owe your dad and Aunty Peg

more credit than I ever gave them.

It definitely wasn't my doing.

You are a very special young man.

And I just want to let you know how thankful I am for that.

(SNIFFLING) And that I'm very proud of you.

Okay.

-That was a lot. -Well, no, I don't care.

That's what you get for treating us just this nicely.

Okay, Dad, tell me everything you want to tell me about the house.

Well, I was just going to say that, when you find someone to move in,

ask them if they have a partner,

otherwise you'll be copping two for the price of one

and they'll be paying half price.

I'm going to the toilet.

I have something to tell you.

Oh, you've already said quite a lot.

I'm still in love with your dad.

-No, you're not. -Yes, I am.

-You are not. -Yes, I am.

-Are not. -I'm still in love with your father.

-Actually, you are not. -I am.

Why are you saying this?

Because it's a thing you tell people

and I don't have that many people I can tell.

Well, you aren't telling Dad. Absolutely not.

Mmm...

No. Mum, absolutely not.

No, I won't.

I won't. Stop looking so scared.

Oh, I mean, how?

He's a fully grown adult

and he's completely befuddled that things happen.

He's just shocked that things in life occur.

Oh, I'm not longing for him.

I mean, I don't want anything to change.

Well, it's just a nice feeling to feel love for someone

and I don't feel it very often

and look, I actually remember why I loved him.

And I feel it,

and you gave me wine,

and I am indulging in my love for your dad.

ALAN: It is gross.

Oh! So sorry. Sorry.

God, they're flash bathrooms.

They've got mirrors on every side of the cubicle.

I felt like I was pissing into infinity. (LAUGHING)

-You're looking very slim, Rose. -JOSH: No she’s not.

-I'm sorry? -Sorry, I mean, yeah, okay.

Yep, you look good.

He's just jealous of the compliment.

-Aw, you're looking slim too, Josh. -Thanks, Dad.

Hey, you should go see the toilets.

No, I... I don't need to.

Well, it doesn't matter, but, you know,

because you have never seen anything like them,

-honestly, go on! -I don't need to go to the toilet!

All right, all right.

DAN: So, back when you were five or six,

on a rainy day, your mum set you up on the kitchen bench and said,

"Let's bake a cake."

So we began with a little flour,

and some butter.

A touch of baking powder,

beautiful flavours of vanilla,

some star anise and pistachios,

a little nutmeg, touch of cinnamon...

ROSE: Oh, this is wild!

Oh!

DAN: Of course, some milk.

(ROSE CHUCKLES)

And to finish, a few eggs.

(LAUGHING)

(ALAN LAUGHING)

-ALAN: Thank you. -ROSE: Oh.

-ROSE: Oh. -Wow.

ROSE: Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Oh. Mmm.

ROSE: Mmm.

ALAN: Yeah!

It seems like your mum is in a really good place, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, she seems good.

Yeah.

I don't think I've seen her this happy for years.

She looks healthy, too.

Yep, yeah, very healthy.

Josh, do you think, maybe you could say something nice to your mum?

What do you mean? I took her to a 15-course meal.

-Isn't that nice? -Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, it's nice.

But you know, I just think it would really make her day

and maybe keep her in this mood

if you could just, you know,

go out on a limb and say something from the heart.

There are real towels in the bathroom.

Real, not paper.

-I used two, just because. -Right.

Can I get you anything else? A tea or coffee?

JOSH: Oh, God, no.

ALAN: Ah, no, thank you, Ellie. I don't have any room left.

No, me neither.

Would you like me to organise the bill?

Yeah, thank you.

Erm, Rose...

Josh was just saying some really nice things

about you while you were in the bathroom.

Weren't you, Josh?

Yep.

Okay, so...

Mum, I've never said that really...

That many genuine things about you,

I guess,

and that's because I tend to think nice things unsaid

are usually the best things.

But,

I can see by the face that you're making right now

that you would much prefer it if they were not unsaid.

-(ALAN CHUCKLING) -JOSH: So...

Um...

Just, thank you for keeping me alive.

That would have been hard, right? That would have been a hard thing.

Secondly,

ah, you're a fun person.

Yeah, I feel like, maybe you don't know that, but...

But the decisions you make,

they're genuinely entertaining,

especially when they're terrible,

and that has always been the only prerequisite I have for a friend.

Ah.

Also, um, you're a good person,

and...

I love you.

-When you're ready. -Whoa, Dad.

What are you doing?

No, I'm paying.

I, I just want to have a look.

No, no.

Josh, you're being silly. Come on, come on.

No, please just give it to me. Please, just let me have it.

(GASPS)

$900?

-What? -$900?

Yep.

Dad, I haven't bought you a Christmas present for like, 25 years.

I can't believe this, Josh.

This is exactly what I was talking about before!

You don't have to worry about it because I'm paying.

You can't afford that.

Yes, I can.

-How? -I'll put it on my credit card.

Oh, get fucked, you don't have a credit card.

-Do you? -I get points.

I'm paying!

-No! -ALAN: No, you are not!

No, already have.

You let me. You let me!

-She can't afford this. -Oh!

This is the best $900 I have ever spent in my whole life.

Are you kidding?

Thanks, Mum.

ALAN: Oh, boy, oh, boy. I've had too much to drink.

I cannot drive home, so, I'm probably gonna get a parking ticket

on top of everything else.

Just book me an Uber.

How am I going to get home if you're in my Uber?

-Book two. -You can't book two Ubers.

JOSH: Just get a taxi.

HANNAH: Nah, get stuffed.

Next time you send a video, get some skin out.

I was waiting for a text to confirm my pizza.

Call me tomorrow. -ALAN: ...you won't even book me a car?

I thought people your age preferred getting taxis.

ALAN: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

-Oh, I love you, darling. -Okay, thanks, Ma.

-Thanks so much. -Oh, thank you for an incredible night.

ALAN: Thank yourself.

I love you, too, Alan.

I am so glad I got a chance to clean up the mess for a change.

It was not a mess.

Ah, Rose, do you need a lift home?

Ah, no. No, I'm going to catch the last train.

-Bye. -See ya.

-She probably shouldn't kiss me like that. -Yeah.

Right?