All language subtitles for Please Like Me s04e03_English

Josh?

Fuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Beluga caviar?

-Fuck!
-All of a sudden,

-I'm housemates with Vladimir Putin.
-(TOM LAUGHS)

Arnold got it for me for Valentine's Day.

Oh, it expired on Sunday.

-Oh, shit!
-How much is it?

Like, $150.

TOM: $150?

How did you forget to eat $150
worth of caviar?

Well, Tom, we were waiting
for the perfect moment,

but then it never came.

-Well that's poetic.
-Maybe it's still good.

That was fucking creepy.

It's how you taste caviar!

Is it okay to eat?

I don't know.
I've never had it before.

It tastes sort of off, but like,
in a good way.

-Yeah, I'm into it.
-'Cause it tastes like pussy?

-Mmm.
-If that's what you taste like,

then I just...
You need to change something.

(LAUGHS) Hey, do you know
what I think you'd really love?

Um, like a really pretty guy
with like, cute curly hair

and like, very good BMI.

-Like, does lots of nice compliments.
-Oh, yeah?

And very smart and
he does surprisingly romantic things,

and maybe he's got a bit of money
but he's not arrogant...

-Yeah, Arnold is quite good.
-ELLA: Yeah.

Yeah, but you just can't
make yourself love him.

-Not any more.
-For me, the question here is,

-what's wrong with you?
-Face.

Is that a speck of mould?

-I don't know.
-Just eat around it.

I love you.

I am feeling optimistic and enthusiastic
about my dating future.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪
-♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

Oh, don't look at me, don't look at me!

♪ I've left better behind
I'll be fine ♪

A bus is here.
I mean, this just must be him.

Why is Tom still like,
talking to the real estate agent?

JOSH: (ON PHONE) Is it a girl
with low self-esteem?

This house is so ugly,
and he's pretending it isn't.

No one got out.
Why did no one get out?

(MOBILE BEEPS)

He just messaged and
said that he's 10 minutes away.

He's said that quite a lot.

-JOSH: Many times!
-(MOBILE BEEPS)

Oh, no, Ella, he just said he's in
school uniform and he hopes that's okay.

-Is that okay?
-Josh, how old is this boy?

I don't know.
It doesn't say on his profile.

I mean, he looks adult.
I promise he looks like an adult.

-Well ask him.
-Yeah.

-(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
-He's 18.

That's quite young.

Who do you think you are, Tom?

-(MOBILE PHONE BEEPING)
-(LAUGHS) Oh, god.

-What?
-Well, he... He wants me to pee on him.

Will you pee on him?

I don't know, it just seems
like I'm a bit young

to start experimenting that hard
with my sex life.

He's 18!

Kids these days!

-Am I right?
-So many people just love being peed on.

He says he won't come
if I don't pee on him.

He hasn't left yet?
What's going on?

Should I just pee on him?
I mean, I've already come this far.

Yeah. I vote yes.

Alright, yeah. I'm saying yes.

-No!
-You said I should!

I'm not sure that I thought it through.

Oh, no, he just said he's in a wheelchair
and he hopes that's okay.

Oh, no.

ELLA: Oh, no.

You know what's happening here, don't you?

Yeah, this boy doesn't exist.

You're talking to perhaps
an anonymous group of friends at a party,

and they're laughing at you
for agreeing to pee on a schoolkid.

Yeah.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I've learnt
a lot about myself and the world.

Maybe you guys
want to hang out with me, yeah?

Oh, I wish.

We've got so many more houses to look at.

Mmm.

What's all this then?

I've taken up boxing training.

ROSE: She's just showing off.

You're going to be a Million Dollar Baby.

Million Dollar Baby was thin and fit.

And rich. And dead.

See, some women can have it all.

Sounds fun. Maybe I'll join you.
Maybe I'll do some boxing.

No son of mine is going to be
hitting people for fun, Josh.

I'll only hit bad guys,
like robbers, etcetera.

Why can't you ever take my side?

I mean, I take your side plenty, don't I?

She liked boxing yesterday.
You should have been here then.

You would have been on her side.
Maybe come back tomorrow.

Stop talking about me as though
I'm not even here. Hello!

Am I here?
Can anybody hear me?

Mum, we're just playing, okay?
Calm down.

Just... Hannah, go to your room.

-I've been grounded again.
-(CHUCKLES)

You can go too, Josh.

Okay, see you.

-See you, little munchkin.
-Oh, piss off.

-She's a little munchkin!
-Piss off!

MAN: Okay.

That's me when I have my plastic surgery.

-Looks good. Better.
-(CHUCKLES)

Ah, when are you back
so we can do sex things?

Two weeks.

-Ah, but we can't do sex things.
-Why not?

Why can't we do sex things?

I have a girlfriend now.

A girlfriend?

Yeah, girlfriend.

And you do sex with her?

Yes.

Well, that's cool, isn't it?

Very modern.

-(BURPS)
-Did you just burp?

Yeah.

I'm sick of sexuality being fluid!

I miss the days when your gays were gay,
your straights were straights,

your bisexuals were lying.

Last time I tried to fly,
it was so embarrassing.

I got so scared when we hit
a bit of turbulence

and accidentally grabbed the hand of
the man next to me.

There isn't anywhere safer
than in a plane.

I mean,
it's such a controlled environment.

Like, there's such a bigger chance
that I'll murder you right now,

than you'll die in a plane crash,
don't you think?

I've never seen anyone more scared
of flying than me.

I'm such a baby about it.
So embarrassing.

Just, what I think,
I think the key is, right,

is to just stop being afraid
of death altogether.

Like, don't you think like it's a little
bit arrogant to be scared of dying?

Like, in the grand scheme of things,

like the billions of people
and the millions of years

and the stardust and the mammoths...
And Taylor Swift...

I don't know, it just seems like

you don't really matter that much.
You know?

Wow, I'm cured.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, I fixed it.

-He cured me, Bastion.
-Yeah.

-(MOBILE RINGS)
-I'm sorry.

Hey, Ma!
I'm sorry, I can't really talk.

Josh, Hannah has been ignoring me.

She hasn't spoken to me for days
and I didn't do anything at all.

She's just being so mean to me.

Seriously, Mum, I'm on a date
and I have to go.

-You aren't on a date.
-I am on a date.

No, you're trying to get rid of me.

Is it really so hard for you to believe
that I'm on a date?

You are lying, Joshua.

I know when you're lying.
I'm your mother.

-You're just trying to get rid of me.
-Can you please tell my mother you exist?

-I exist.
-Ah, hello.

-Okay?
-Oh, fine. Oh...

Do you want to punch?

The bag,

not, not me.

Don't punch me.

You have a lot of big books.

You must be pretty smart.

I'm a podiatrist.

I don't know why I said that about
the books, okay?

I have books.
I want you to know that.

Like, it's not weird to me.
I'm like... I'm smart.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay.

No, we're both smart.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Thank you.

I probably have nicer feet, though.

I mean, I used to have real bad
ingrown toenails, but they're fine now.

Is... Is that a good anecdote for you?

Is that the kind of anecdote
you like to hear?

It was, until you said you're okay now.

There's no money in healthy toenails.

You're a good kisser.

Don't really know what that means.

(SIGHS) Just give me a minute.

I like to smoke a bit before sex.
Do you want some?

No, thank you.

Is that meth?

Yeah. Just have a little bit.

Sure, of course.

It's Tuesday night, after all.

He smokes meth. Actual meth.

-Whoa.
-Yeah.

He's a podiatrist, and he had a terrarium,

and it tricked me into thinking
that it's okay to smoke meth.

What'd you do?

Ah, well, I waited
for him to finish smoking his meth,

and then we had sex, which, which...
I would have thought

that I wouldn't have had sex with someone
after they smoked meth, but no,

there I was doing it.

Turns out I am surprisingly easy-going.

Could you get me a glass of water?

Yeah.

You're aboriginal, yeah?

I'm Wurundjeri on my mum's side.

-That's cool.
-Is it cool, is it?

Yeah, it's very cool, very chic.
I'm stuck being white.

White people are the worst.

Some of my best friends are white.

Well, all of mine are.

All right, it's not a competition.

I feel very, um, very awkward and weird
about how horrible we've been.

Really, I do. I feel, like,
quite anxious talking about it.

I'm sorry you feel anxious.
I, ah, shouldn't have brought it up.

'Cause we went quite hard, you know,

on the murder and the rape
and the oppression thing, didn't we?

-Yep.
-I mean, not, not me.

-I didn't. I wouldn't.
-Oh.

-I would never, I promise.
-Thank you.

-I appreciate that.
-Yeah.

My great-granddad, though...
Whoa, I mean he probably...

He probably would have.

You know, he would be furious to see me
here on a date with you.

-That's presumptuous to call this a date.
-It's sort of a date.

Is it a date,

or the world's worst application
for young Australian of the year?

I mean, we didn't let aboriginal people
go to school until like thirty years ago.

Yep, I know.
I guarantee you I know all about this.

Fuck! That's recent,
do you know what I mean?

Like that's very... Fuck, that's like
your parents' generation, you know?

And then, you got all these white people,
who are not me,

and they're furious about these programmes
that are just aimed

at helping aboriginal communities
catch up, and it's just very, like...

It's all very...

Just a bit shit, you know?

Like everyone's just still so racist.

Not me, obviously, you know,
because I'm here on a date with you.

-Thank heavens.
-A lucky boy.

(SIGHS)

I mean, you can't hail a taxi, can you?

Like, taxis aren't stopping
for aboriginal people, are they?

Oh, you're probably fine.

I mean, you're so tidy, and if you go out
in an unironed shirt, then I just...

I mean, have you ever successfully hailed
a taxi in an unironed shirt?

Oh, I don't go out in unironed shirts.

Okay.

I mean, taxis, they just stop for me.
You know, I'm sorry, but they do.

They just stop.
There's nothing I can do about it.

Even if I don't iron,
they just stop for me.

If you keep going on about this,
I'm not gonna have sex with you.

(SNORTS) You...

Were you maybe gonna have sex with me?

I've come this far.

Oh, I don't think you should,
to be honest.

I mean, haven't my people
already put you through enough?

He gave me a hickey.
Look at it.

-Whoa!
-Yeah.

-Look what he did to me.
-That is so creepy.

That is actually so creepy.

He's trying to mark you.

I mean, I can't go
and see Arnold with a hickey.

-Temporary tattoo.
-I've got one of a scorpion.

How do I convince him
I wanted a tattoo of a scorpion?

-Say a kid did it.
-What?

That is just the stupid...
That is so unbelievable.

Then just wear a scarf.

Yeah, I thought about that,
but then what if we get naked?

Think maybe you're
going to get naked with Arnold?

I really don't want to,
but also I'm a very shit guy,

and if he's standing there looking cute,
and he's forward enough,

then of course I will.

Of course, of course.

Scratch it with a stick so it looks like
you fell out of a tree?

(SIGHS) Oh, um...

I mean, I don't like the idea of the pain,

but I do like him thinking
that I'm happy enough to climb trees.

Google says to use toothpaste.

No, that's not a true thing.
Toothpaste isn't magic.

You could just try it.

Well, then I won't be
able to try the stick.

-Why?
-Because if I have to wait until tomorrow

to see if the toothpaste works,

then the scratch will be too fresh
to have believably bruised.

(SIGHS) I mean,
I don't think I can convince him

that I wanted to climb a tree.

-(GIGGLING)
-Is it there? Just, quiet.

-(STIFLED GIGGLING)
-(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-How's that?
-Oh, yeah.

-Good.
-Yeah, it's good.

This has been such a productive day.

Who gave you a hickey?

And why do you have
a scratch on your neck?

-I've been doing mischief.
-Ooh!

-Are you dating already?
-Is it fun?

I feel optimistic
and enthusiastic about the future.

-Well, what's the Arnold status?
-Alan.

He was meant to come over today
but he didn't show up.

-MAE: Oh, did he say why?
-He said something came up.

Oh, that's vague.

Yeah, that's his whole shtick.

Well, that's a shit shtick.

Jeez, I'm getting sick of this
mysterious business he's doing.

You're not Willy Wonka, Arnold.

-Grow up, and pull your bloody head in.
-(MAE AND JOSH CHUCKLING)

I know you've got mental issues
but Christ, boy,

you can't play with people willy-nilly.

(GIGGLING) Because he's not Willy Wonka?

Yeah, he can't play willy-nilly
'cause he's not Willy Wonka, yes.

(LAUGHING) But he looks like
Willy Wonka, right?

I've seen him in velvet pants.

-(GASPS) He is Willy Wonka!
-Yeah.

Don't try and Oompa-Loompa your way
out of this one, Wonka.

-This is Josh's heart.
-Mm-hmm.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hannah banana!

Your mum just ran away from home, Josh.

-When?
-About 12 seconds ago.

Do you think she's thinking
of killing herself?

No. I mean, she packed bags.

Do you think she's expecting
to get into heaven?

Okay. What happened?

Oh, she was just getting really intense
so I told her to piss off.

But I didn't mean out of the house.

I just wanted her out of my me circle.

Okay, cool.
Okay, I'll call her and find her.

Thanks for calling and letting me know.
Seriously, okay? Thanks.

No worries. Bye.

Okay, bye.
Ah, can you please pull over?

Sure. Everything okay?

I think it will be. Do you?

DRIVER: Oh, I think so.

Hi, Ma.

Thank you.

-You're running away from home?
-Yes.

-Where to?
-I haven't decided yet.

Okay. Hannah said you had a fight.

I don't know
why she's being so mean to me.

Did you ask her?

No, she doesn't listen!

She never speaks!

She could basically be a Buddhist monk

if she didn't drink
so much chocolate milk.

All right, well, then,
what's the plan now?

I guess that I go home
and I confront Hannah.

No, please, don't. Just not today.

Just let things calm down
a bit maybe, yeah?

Okay, I won't talk to her, then.

No, no, you should obviously talk to her,
just maybe not today.

Fine, fine.

Do you want to go and do something fun?

No. No, oh, I've worn myself out.

-I feel quite silly.
-JOSH: Yep.

Yeah, you've been a little silly.

Just...

Just... Yeah.

(MOANING)

Boo! (GROANS)

-No, what?
-The condom broke.

Oh, fuck.

I hope you're not expecting child support.

You look scared.

Yeah. Yeah I mean,
it's just a little scary, isn't it?

It's okay, I just got tested.

Let's have a shower.

Do I have anything to worry about?

Mm-mmm.
No, I'm very responsible.

I'm like the Hermione of using condoms.

Isn't Hermione's
only downfall her hygiene?

-(LAUGHS)
-She's a hot mess.

Okay, um, when was
the last time you got tested?

Well, I don't really get tested
because I'm always so safe.

Right.

I, I lied because I wanted you to
stop looking scared...

Yeah.

But I told the truth this time,
so I think it's okay.

Yup.

Should we get pep?
Do we have to get pep?

-What is pep?
-Seriously, you don't know what pep is?

I feel judged.

Pep is, it's like
the morning after pill, but for HIV.

Okay, cool. Let's get pep.

(CHUCKLING) It's not...

It's not that easy, though, is it?

It can make you
sort of quite ill sometimes.

-Shit.
-It's fine.

I had chronic fatigue for two years.

-I can handle it.
-(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I think we should go and get tested
for HIV together instead.

I know it's not perfect,
but I think it's fine.

I think it's an acceptable risk.

-Okay.
-Okay.

How many sexual partners have you had
in the last six months?

-Um...
-Roughly.

12?

Is that a lot?

How many of those partners did you do
receptive anal sex with?

Only like two.

Yeah, I know I seem really bottomy,
but I actually... I really don't like it.

How many have you had
penetrative anal sex with?

-10.
-And how many were just oral?

Oh, we're including just oral?

I didn't know we were including just oral,
I'm sorry.

Um, then it's like 16, I think.

Is that a lot? I mean, 16,
that seems like a lot, doesn't it?

I'm just trying to get myself out there,
just trying to meet people,

and exist in the world.

-Know what I mean? Just trying to live.
-Mm-hmm.

Don't care.

DOCTOR:
That should take about 20 minutes.

Hey, do you want to
hear something interesting?

Gosh, you've hyped it up, haven't you?

Last time I was at the hospital,
my gran died.

(LAUGHS) Okay. Sorry.

Awkward for you.

It's fine.

So it was all very sad,
and we left the room.

Then, as I was heading down the hall

I see from her doorway
that we've left her light on,

and she hates wasting electricity,
so I went to turn it off.

But when I get there, the light isn't on.

It's her body.

Her body was actually emanating a glow.

She was such a kind woman
that her spirit was glowing with light.

No.

-What do you mean, no?
-No.

No, you're doing tricking.

What are you talking about,

I'm telling you a story about
my dead grandma.

No, no, no, no, no, you're doing...

I know it's a gamble here,
but you're doing... Like, you're...

You're like trying to embarrass me, right?

-What the fuck is wrong with you?
-No!

No, you're tricking, aren't you?

No.

ROSE:
Hannah, could you come in here?

We have to talk.

You need to start paying rent.

Now, obviously,
you don't think of me as a friend.

You're just using me,
so, either you contribute properly

or you be a proper friend,
the choice is yours.

Now, I don't want to be dramatic about it,

but I just feel I've got to
start standing up for myself.

Enough is enough, okay?
I won't be walked over.

What have you got to say about that?

Oh, my first fight
went better than expected.

-Oh, did you win?
-No, I did not.

No, course you didn't.

-Yeah, of course not.
-What?

Rose, I think I should just move out.

Why would you do that?

I just don't think
we're very good for each other.

-I didn't really want you to pay rent.
-I know.

Where would you go?

I'll think of something.

Okay. Fine. It's good.

It... Look, if you want to go
just go then.

I'm sure you'll easily find
someone much better than me.

-How was it?
-Yeah, well,

so I've got good news and bad news.

Ah, the good news is
neither of us have HIV.

-I want a second opinion.
-Aha!

The bad news is that he thinks
his grandma glows in the dark.

-Ooh.
-Ooh, that's a shame.

JOSH: So that's that done.

But do you remember
the boy who's aboriginal,

which doesn't define him, I just need
a very quick way of letting you know

which boy I'm talking about?

We've been chatting,
I invited him out again,

it's going very well, I think,

and I feel very optimistic
and enthusiastic about the future.

-Good.
-Great.

-(MOBILE BEEPS)
-That's him.

He just wants to be friends, so...

-Oh, no!
-Oh, no!

No, why did I do that, Tom?

No, I need my phone
to be capable of feeling joy.

I'll get some rice!
I'll get some rice!

(LAUGHING)

Hi, I'm Josh, I'm not here.

I'm sorry, leave a message. Goodbye.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

I don't want to do this via voicemail.

It just seems so harsh
saying this like this but, okay.

Josh, I've started seeing someone else.

It's new, but I like him.

I just... I thought you deserved to know.

Guys, I'm sick of this game.

I know it was my idea
but sometimes I have bad ideas.

I don't like seeking.

I'm lonely.

Guys?

-(COO COO CLOCK COOING)
-Guys!

-(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
-(DOG BARKING)

Oh, my god, there's someone at the door!

I don't want to answer it.

-(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
-(DOG BARKING)

Hi, Rose.

Oh, where's Josh?
Why isn't he answering his phone?

I don't know where he is.
I don't know where anyone is.

Oh, Josh!

Josh, you'd better come out now.

Your mum's here, and she is very upset
that you've been ignoring her calls.

I already looked in there.

Where is he? What's he doing?

Well, we're playing hide and seek,
but they take it too seriously.

Now, I don't even know
if it's fun anymore.

Oh, it's ridiculous.

I tried to talk to Hannah like you said,
and she left, Joshua!

Yeah, Joshua!

I'm going to give you
a count one to five, and then...

-One...
-This is exciting.

-What happens if you get to five?
-Two!

I tell everybody how much he loved
holding my hand when he was a teenager.

Three!

Four!

Five!

My phone broke.

That is such a good hiding spot.

I didn't want her to leave, Josh.

I wanted her to change.

Now, what the hell
am I supposed to do now?

-Oh, I don't know.
-Why did you tell me to talk to her?

Well, it's just what
people say to do, isn't it?

Hey, get out of there!

Okay.

-What?
-Well, I'm stuck, aren't I?

-You are not!
-I am. I'm very, very stuck!

No, you're just saying that
so you can divert attention from me.

-Now, get out!
-JOSH: Mum, sometimes I wonder

if I'll ever do anything
that'll make you proud of me!

TOM: I win!

ROSE: Tom!