All language subtitles for Please Like Me s04e01_English

-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-(LIP SYNCING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

(ALL SINGING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ From the North to the South ♪

(VOCALISING)

♪ Ebudae into Khartoum ♪

♪ From the deep sea of Clouds ♪

♪ To the island of the moon ♪

♪ Carry me on the waves ♪

♪ To the lands I've never seen... ♪

Hey, Josh.
Josh, Josh, Josh, this is Kyle.

-Oh, hey, Kyle.
-Uh, this is my boyfriend.

(ALL SINGING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

-We kissed.
-Oh! Should we kiss?

-Oh, we don't have to.
-I'm not so busy.

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ From Bali to Cali... ♪

Oh, girls, that's enough of that shit!

(CROWD CHEERING)

One, two...
One, two, three, four.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪
-♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind
I'll be fine ♪

Arnold trapped this boy for us
and I want you to see him.

Oh, fuck!
I thought you were a robber!

I'm not a robber. I'm Kyle.

He is a robber, come to steal our hearts.

-Turn the light on. I can't see him.
-Oh, no!

Oh, Kyle, you're so dreamy,
you're like an actual dream! (CHUCKLES)

You definitely like Arnold more than Josh.

No. No.

I feel like maybe he did at first,
but then I was very funny in the taxi.

-Was he funny in the taxi?
-You weren't funny.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, he was funny.

ELLA: Has anyone shown this kid
some hospitality?

Has anyone offered you
some tea or something?

He doesn't want tea.

Are you sure? I'd like some tea.

Uh, no, I'm good.

TOM: Please go.
JOSH: Yes.

It's weird, because I don't want to be in
the threesome,

but I do feel very left out.

You can do your own sex.

(GROANS)

TOM: This is no way to live!
JOSH: Goodnight.

I'm just going to put John out, otherwise
he'll be such a little creepy buddy.

-Keep John innocent.
-Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

JOSH: That's not his name.

(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANS)

(ARNOLD AND KYLE BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm just a little...
I'm just a little thirsty.

(BOTH CONTINUE BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

-No!
-They can only see each other.

I thought maybe one of you could
stand in there and see if they notice.

-Maybe it's just not your turn yet.
-You're so impatient!

-What have you been doing?
-Well, um...

I sort of tried to wriggle in the middle,
but that was hard,

so then I lay there alone
and nobody noticed.

So then I stood in the hallway
and I waited for my erection to go down

and then I came in here.

-Would you like a hug?
-No.

Gross! Don't touch him. He has sex on him.

No, he doesn't, Tom.
Have you even been listening?

I mean, I just... I just could never
get used to your underarm hair.

-Don't, Josh!
-Like I know, I know, I know.

But it's just... It's just very...

'Cause, like, when I see it
I just feel very... (GAGGING)

Please do not make me angry at you
when you have got nowhere else to go.

I mean, I'm on board, you know.
I mean, I love feminism, you know.

-I mean, I basically am feminism.
-I just absolutely don't believe you.

I will never open a door for you.

-Never. Not ever.
-Stroke it.

I wouldn't stroke it smooth
and I won't stroke it hairy.

Josh, I really just think
you need to stroke it.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Yeah, I mean, I really...
I really, like, literally thought

I was gonna spend this time
having a threesome.

You're thinking too much.
Just go back in there

with your eyes closed
and follow your instincts.

Oh, please.
Where did my instincts ever get us?

Oh, that time you said that the
beach wouldn't be fun and it wasn't fun.

-(LAUGHS)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Where did you go? Why did you leave?

I just started to feel
a bit creepy just staring.

Don't be silly. I thought you must have
been feeling sick or something.

Nope, I was talking to Ella
about her underarm hair.

-Where's Kyle?
-He's in the shower.

Oh, no. This is just going to be
so hard to explain why you left.

That's such a weird thing to do, Josh.

Hey! Uh, sorry we finished without you.

Where'd you go?

Uh, I was... I was feeling sick.

-Yeah, I was just feeling just real sick.
-Oh, really?

That's no good. I've got a bit
of a flu at the moment as well.

Must be going around.

Yeah. You're...
You're probably sick, too. That's it.

-Hey, do you want my Facebook?
-Um, I don't have Facebook.

Okay.

Well, my car's here, so...

-Bye.
-Bye.

-See ya.
-Bye.

You really should get vaccinated,
you know.

The flu might not seem
like such a big deal to you,

but then you could become a carrier,

and if you hang out with your grandma
or say, an infant, then they might die.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

Yep. Can you please turn the light off?

(JOSH GROANS)

-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, I've done a bad thing, haven't I?

Uh, I existed and then you got
naked with a boy and then I didn't exist.

No. No, no, no, you exist.

-Look? See?
-I do, I do, I do exist.

Please. Please don't be mad.
I was so drunk.

As far as I remember
I wasn't there, either.

I'm not mad. I got to see him naked and
I'm just going to accept that as a win.

Oh, no. Your feelings are hurt.

-I feel like I can see your feelings.
-My feelings aren't hurt, I promise you.

It's not surprising to find out
that somebody's more attracted to you

than they are to me.

-Are you sure?
-Mmm-hmm.

I mean, you're allowed to
be mad at me about this.

I'm not mad. It's not your fault.

I've been trying to be more attractive,
but it's just so hard, you know,

'cause of my genetics.

-Your genetics are heaven.
-Genetics are ISIS.

Well, sign me up then.

-Do you regret saying that?
-Yes, very much.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

ELLA: Where are you?

Why aren't you here?
I'm home alone and I don't like it.

I'm going to Mum's house
'cause she begged me

and then after that
I'm going to have dinner

with Arnold's parents and Dad and Mae.

It's the first time I've seen Arnold's dad
since he got angry that Arnold was gay

and smashed a croquembouche to the ground.

We've spoken about this
quite a bit, actually.

We looked his dad up on Facebook.
It's a big whole thing.

We spoke about a lot
that is big and memorable.

Oh, yes.

I actually had some things
I wanted to say about that.

(LAUGHS) Of course.

I keep having thoughts at night

and I get anxious
'cause I've got no one to share them with.

-So I started writing them down.
-Okay.

(GASPS) Oh, I think
Arnold's dad might be gay.

He dresses so well.

He doesn't dress so well.
He just dresses expensive.

He dresses better than your dad.

Maybe I just... I don't want you to think
that I think my dad dresses well,

but he absolutely 100%
dresses better than Arnold's dad.

I don't want to argue, Josh.
It's too nice a day.

If I had a choice of going to this dinner
or eating poop,

like, I would absolutely
of course pick the dinner,

but I would pause a little bit
before deciding.

Phew, it's frustrating to think about
all the other thoughts that I had

-that I forgot to write down.
-No, no, it isn't.

Aren't you curious why I called?

Um, you had a thought, you looked around,

there was no one there
to share it with so you thought,

"Oh, I'll call Josh and tell him."

I bought gluten-free bread,
and it's delicious.

Actually delicious.

I mean,
I just cannot believe that is true.

Hi, Ma! I gotta go, okay?
I'm at Mum's house.

ELLA: It's too soon!
I've got more thoughts on the bread.

(CHUCKLES) Fine. Hey, Ma.
Hey, Hannah. I'm here!

I'm glad you're here, Josh.
Look, do you want any of these bears?

Otherwise, I'm throwing them out.

Gosh, you're throwing away my teddy bears?

-When are you ever playing with them?
-Obviously, I'm never playing with them,

but they're sort of like
childhood memories and shit.

-Oh, your childhood's over, lovey.
-Yeah, real men don't have memories, Josh.

Well, when was the last time
you ate off these plates?

-I'm going to throw out these plates.
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Look, I can't have bears
in the house, Josh.

People are going to think
I'm attracting children, or something.

Well, what people?
I've never seen a person here.

Me. I'm a person.

-Look, do you want to take them or not?
-What...

We used to have little tea parties
with these, do you remember that?

Oh, we never did that!
That must have been a movie you saw.

Now let me throw them away.

It just all feels very sudden.

Well, I thought we might
give them to your kids one day,

but obviously you don't want to do that.

Oh. Well, don't you want to
remember my childhood?

Not really, no.

All of a sudden I'm Andy in Toy Story 3.

Today, Josh. I want this sorted today.

I am finishing this chore today.

♪ Geronimo Geronimo
They're falling like they're dominos ♪

♪ Please believe it
and let that be the reason ♪

♪ Geronimo Geronimo
They're falling like they're dominos ♪

♪ Sight beat the world and we shall see ♪

♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Geronimo, Geronimo
These girls are falling dominos ♪

♪ They, they call me dynamo
But I'll be yelling vamanos ♪

♪ So you're 'bout undergo
Daenerys in a Game of Thrones ♪

♪ No, I'm not no common hoe
Slip sliding down a rabbit hole, what? ♪

♪ And they'll be slaying
I slay these bitches double Dutch ♪

♪ And they'll be slaying
I slay these bitches so what's up? ♪

♪ Jump! ♪

♪ All around
Jump! ♪

♪ Up and down
Jump! ♪

♪ Now make your bootie bounce ♪

♪ Bootie bounce ♪

♪ Now make your bootie bounce ♪

Hi. Sorry! I'm so sorry!
I caught the bus. I'm an idiot.

I'm too much of a risk-taker.

-You're 25 minutes late.
-I'm here now.

-I made you an espresso martini, Josh.
-Thank you, Mae, I love you.

-Hello, Josh!
-Hello, Donna. Hi, you're looking good.

-Stop flirting.
-(CHUCKLES) Okay.

-Bruce.
-Josh.

-Sorry. (LAUGHS)
-It's all right.

Good to see you again, mate.

Yeah, good we can uh,
put things behind us, eh?

-Okay. (LAUGHS)
-Ooh, now Bruce is flirting.

What the hell is that?

JOSH: Oh, Mum's, uh, decided
to throw out all my old toys today.

Very urgently, apparently.

Your teddy bears?
What's she throwing those out for?

-What are they?
-ALAN: Josh's teddy bears.

What, did you guys
not bring your bears today?

I just want to take a moment here
to make sure that everyone knows

Josh has never, ever
brought his teddy bears anywhere, ever.

You like bears, do you Josh?

No, they're like...
They're like from when I was five.

Yeah, Arnold never liked toys.

Yes, I did. I liked toys.

ALAN: Mae, we should give them to Grace.

Oh, no, Grace can't have it.
(CHUCKLES) It's... It's dirty.

Well, they aren't dirty, are they, Mae?
That's not...

Yeah, he always makes sure
to wash his bears

before he takes them out to a nice dinner.

You see, your mother should ask me
about stuff like this.

-I'm gonna call her tomorrow.
-MAE: Okay, Alan,

you don't share custody
of teddy bears, okay?

You should keep them then, Josh.
For... For your kids.

-I'm not having kids, Dad, all right?
-DONNA: Bravo!

Grace would like him, wouldn't she?

Oh, uh, Grace prefer cat. (LAUGHS)

No, she doesn't. She's not a cat person.

She's not anything yet, okay?
We're not cat people, Mae.

Okay, but we are not also
bear people, huh? (CHUCKLES)

Just promise me you won't throw them out.

-Not going to.
-ARNOLD: Oh, no.

You really like them, don't you?

-Yeah, they're my...
-DONNA: Arnold wouldn't understand.

Yeah, you keep your bears, mate.

Thanks, Bruce.

So I'm standing there
and I don't know even know this man,

but I just keep nodding. (LAUGHS)

-She'd never even met him.
-Yeah!

He thought she was someone else.

Yeah, and then he says...
He says to me,

"So, whatever happened to Mike?"

-This is hilarious.
-(LAUGHS)

And I don't know why I did it,
but I just panicked,

and then I blurt out of nowhere,
"Mike died!"

(LAUGHING)

-(LAUGHING)
-Jesus.

-Why did you say that?
-MAE: I don't know!

-It just came out! I don't know.
-(ALAN LAUGHING)

So then, anyway, he says...

He says "Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know, must be awful."

And then he actually start crying.

-(LAUGHING)
-He was... He was very upset.

I guess I thought it'd be
funny to say it, but then,

-well, I guess I just felt bad. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, I'll bet you did.

-(LAUGHING) Then what happened?
-Oh, that's it.

-I thought there was something after that.
-No.

-(LAUGHING)
-Poor bloke. He must have felt awful.

Hope he's okay.

-Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Uh, Yeah.
-MAE: Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Arnold, what's your brother up to tonight?

Why would I know that?

Nothing, probably, or drinking,
or pretending to be a lesbian on Tinder

to trick lesbians
into talking sex with him.

No, just,
it'd be really good to get him to...

To meet Alan and Mae before he shoots off.

I mean, Alan...
You and Steve, you would hit it off.

-Wouldn't they, Don?
-Oh.

-Yeah.
-Where's he going?

-Oh, no, thanks love, no.
-Steve got a job.

Oh, wow. I didn't hear about this.

Yeah, Dad got Steve a job in Singapore.

-Good on Steve.
-Wow, that sounds impressive.

-Yep.
-BRUCE: Oh, and very good coin.

That's quite good.
Steve's doing quite well, isn't he?

Oh, we're all thrilled.
And shocked, but thrilled.

-Are you thrilled, Arnold?
-Yep.

Yeah? I mean,
you must be very proud of him.

-Yeah, it's great.
-It's a bit weird you didn't tell me.

-(JOSH AND BRUCE LAUGHING)
-I did tell you.

JOSH: Did you? Mmm...

(STAMMERS) I think I would have
remembered such good news.

Mmm, I definitely... I definitely...
I definitely told you.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Arnold, are you still hungry?
Do you want anything else?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine thanks, Mae.

-(LAUGHING)
-Oh, look at him. Just furious.

Josh, stop it!

No, he's always been a little bit jealous
of his older brother.

-Oh!
-ARNOLD: I'm not jealous.

-What's so incredible about Singapore?
-He'll be making a lot of money.

-Just raking it in, drinking cognac...
-(CHUCKLING)

...and playing golf
and being on various boats.

(LAUGHING)

-What?
-I just want to hear you say

-that you're happy for your brother.
-I did.

Did you, though?

Yeah, of course I'm fucking happy
for my dumb fucking brother!

-Hey, hey, hey, now just ease up, Arnold.
-(LAUGHING)

DONNA: Well, apparently,
the average penis is shorter now.

MAE: What?
ALAN: Yeah, it's only about six inches.

Well, they say it's 5.17 now.

-Well, how long is that?
-Oh.

DONNA: I mean,
I don't know how it got smaller,

or did we just get better
at keeping men honest?

(DONNA AND MAE LAUGHING)

That generation just finds
sex things so freakin' funny.

I reckon internet porn ruined that for us.

It's nice they're having fun.

-Are you mad at me?
-I'm fine.

I mean, it's...
It's just you're being quite awful.

-I'm being awful?
-Yeah.

What was that inside?

I was just playing.
I'm a fun guy, remember?

I just don't know
why you always have to make fun of me.

-Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-No...

-Just sweet pea.
-Josh, they'll see us.

They're not gonna see us here.
Just... Just kiss me on the mouth.

Come over here.

I don't want to kiss

-with my parents watching.
-Just do kissing and not fight.

Hmm?

See?

Oh! Oh, sorry.

-I'm sorry. Sorry.
-(LAUGHING)

-Fuck. Shit.
-(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

-Oh, is everything okay, Bruce?
-Yeah, yeah, you know, just...

I just disturbed the boys
having a bit of a cuddle, that's all.

It's gonna take him months
to repress that.

-Come on!
-You never listen to me, Josh.

You make fun of me all the time
and now you think I'm awful.

-I didn't say you were awful.
-You literally just said it.

-I said you were being awful.
-You're humiliating me.

I mean, you used to think
I was a fun, nice guy

and if I overstepped the mark
you'd give me the benefit of the doubt.

-But now...
-Trouble in paradise?

It's reassuring to know that
gay people are as miserable as we are.

(LAUGHING)

Do you know how tiring it is being teased
all the time? All the time?

You used to follow me around
the house like John,

but now you don't even notice
if I leave in the middle of a threesome.

Are you actually mad about the Kyle thing

or are you just saying that
to make me feel bad?

It's a pretty weird thing to do,
isn't it?

Yeah, I understand that I'm weird, Josh.

I'm a very fuckin' weird guy.

But I would like to know
if my boyfriend is upset!

-Everyone's listening.
-You always do this.

You say you don't care, then you hold onto
it to win a bigger argument later.

It's so manipulative.
You put your feelings on credit

and make me pay for them later.

That's a weird little analogy
you've been working...

I mean, why couldn't you
be honest this morning?

I was trying to keep the peace.
But now that I know

you're not interested
in keeping the peace, I'm trying to win.

It's not my fault
Kyle didn't want to have sex with you!

Maybe if you weren't so obnoxious
to the taxi driver...

Josh is right. We can all hear you.

Oh!

Thanks, Dad.

-Just gonna let what you just said slide.
-You're doing it again.

Okay.

-I don't wanna go inside.
-Mmm-mmm, nope.

-Let's just get it over with.
-Yeah.

(LINE RINGING)

-CLAIRE: Hi!
-Are we friends any more?

This is a bit much.

-Oh, no.
-I've just been very busy.

Yeah, I've also been busy.
Do you think I haven't been busy?

I've just been very busy, okay?
Working, and, like, living.

Like, living heaps actually.

Hey, goji berries are stupid, yeah?

Like, they're no better
than any other dried fruit.

All super foods are just normal foods
with a better narrative.

See? Josh also can't understand

how a physicist could be fooled into
thinking that goji berries are magic!

-Hi, Warren.
-I'm not passing that on.

He's annoying me right now.

Maybe you just don't like me any more.

That's fine.
Like, that's understandable, okay?

I've never really liked me.

Do you really need me
to say that I like you?

-Uh, yeah. Yeah.
-I like you.

Did Tom do something creepy?
Is that what this is?

I can see you without Tom there,
if that's what you need.

No, Tom hasn't been a part
of my decision-making for like two years.

I've just been hanging out with Warren.
He lives next to a park. It's very shady.

Warren is literally
the most horrible name.

What are you doing this week?

I just could not imagine kissing a Warren.

-Let's hang out this week.
-No, you don't want to.

You'll cancel or forget.
Honestly, it's fine.

-We can get best-friend-forever tattoos.
-Okay. I don't need you, you know?

You know there's a lot of girls out there
looking for a gay best friend.

See? No one else gets to
talk to me like that.

When we're 50,
we'll have dinner and we'll laugh

and everything'll be exactly the same
as it's always been.

Meanwhile, I can't figure out if Arnold
hates me or if I hate Arnold, so...

-WARREN: Claire, I need a towel!
-I have to go.

-Of course. Bye.
-Bye.

-What have you made?
-Chocolate quinoa slice.

You made a special gluten-free treat.

That's pretty cute.

-Oh, my God.
-Is it all right?

It is so delicious.

Why are you being weird?

Okay, I need you to eat that slice
while I talk for a bit.

Okay.

Okay, I've been kind of annoyed
ever since you moved in.

And I think it's because
when it was just Josh and me,

I didn't care
if I was a good person or not.

But now you've moved in
and I've started noticing

just how far I've let that slip.

I've started noticing lots of things,
like, um, I'm always slouching,

constantly look like
I've just lost custody of the kids,

-(CHUCKLES)
-I've never bought shampoo, always Josh's.

No idea what I look like
without extra volume.

I am not enrolled to vote

and I'm way too friendly
with that guy at 7-Eleven.

And I'm panicking now because
I want to be a better person for you,

but I don't know how to do that

while I'm living with a friend
who prefers it if I'm shit.

So what I'm asking you is
if you would like to move out with me,

but it is a bad idea

and you should eat that slice
rather than answering. Thank you.

-Um...
-What are you doing? Why are you talking?

You don't need to talk.

-Gosh... (SIGHS)
-Don't need to talk at all.

-Tom...
-Don't talk.

-ELLA: Tom...
-Be quiet!

-No, listen...
-No, you don't need to do that...

Tom, yes! Yeah. Yeah. Good.

-Yeah, let's do it.
-Okay.

Wow.

Well, that's good news.

-(CHUCKLES)
-(DOG BARKING)

-When?
-(DOOR OPENS)

-I don't know.
-JOSH: Hello, friends!

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Josh, we're moving out.

We literally just had that conversation,

literally just before
you walked in the door.

Oh, no.
I have had it up to here with things.

This is not a whole big thing, though.

I mean, it is a big thing, isn't it?
You two are moving out.

This little world
that we've created is dead

and now we have to create
a whole new little world and that just...

That actually...
Yeah, that seems like a pretty big thing.

Here you go, buddy.

I don't like it
when you put it like that, do I,

when you said,
"This little world is dead"?

You guys are gonna go and have a baby

and you're going to stop
being friends with me.

Whoa! Whoa! We're not having a baby.

Absolutely.
Absolutely you're gonna get pregnant

'cause you're lousy with condoms.
Then you're going to realise

that your whole life has been
building up to what's really important,

which is your baby. Matilda?
Probably Matilda.

You know, what am I going to have?

I'm not going to stop being
friends with you if we have a baby.

JOSH: Absolutely 100% you would.

How many times
have you heard people say that?

What are we going to talk about
after you have a baby? Your baby?

I don't wanna talk about your baby.

We are literally having zero babies, so...

It'll give you and Arnold more space.

-I think Arnold hates me.
-Arnold doesn't hate you, Josh.

I'm sick of things ending like it's sad
or a Harry Potter finish.

Or it's awful to think about
how Leonardo DiCaprio isn't hot any more.

I was never hot.

He was so hot and now he's just normal,
and that same shift is gonna happen to me,

but I never started hot.

-Where's the baba ghanoush?
-In the bin.

-It was off.
-I never got to taste it.

Now I have to buy new dip.
It's just another thing!

Just because you're gay
doesn't mean you can't have a baby.

I don't want to have a baby.

The problem here isn't me
not being able to have a baby.

It's everybody else
having to have a baby.

That's the next big thing.

That's the new frontier
for people our age.

What have I got left? Nothing.
I've tried everything good.

I've tried everything good.

Life's meant to get boring
as you get older,

so it's not so disappointing when you die.

I read ketamine is the next big drug.

Ketamine. It's horse tranquiliser.

I'm gonna be another single,
mid-thirties homosexual

high on ketamine,

with just so much spare money.

And then I'm gonna
buy myself a beach house

and then that's going to go under water

'cause on top of every other nice thing,
weather's ending too.

Oh, I feel sick.

Don't make it worse!
Talking about things doesn't help.

I don't like this slice.