Original subtitles

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(LIP SYNCING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

(ALL SINGING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ From the North to the South ♪

(VOCALISING)

♪ Ebudae into Khartoum ♪

♪ From the deep sea of Clouds ♪

♪ To the island of the moon ♪

♪ Carry me on the waves ♪

♪ To the lands I've never seen... ♪

Hey, Josh. Josh, Josh, Josh, this is Kyle.

-Oh, hey, Kyle. -Uh, this is my boyfriend.

(ALL SINGING)

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

-We kissed. -Oh! Should we kiss?

-Oh, we don't have to. -I'm not so busy.

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ From Bali to Cali... ♪

Oh, girls, that's enough of that shit!

(CROWD CHEERING)

One, two... One, two, three, four.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Arnold trapped this boy for us and I want you to see him.

Oh, fuck! I thought you were a robber!

I'm not a robber. I'm Kyle.

He is a robber, come to steal our hearts.

-Turn the light on. I can't see him. -Oh, no!

Oh, Kyle, you're so dreamy, you're like an actual dream! (CHUCKLES)

You definitely like Arnold more than Josh.

No. No.

I feel like maybe he did at first, but then I was very funny in the taxi.

-Was he funny in the taxi? -You weren't funny.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, he was funny.

ELLA: Has anyone shown this kid some hospitality?

Has anyone offered you some tea or something?

He doesn't want tea.

Are you sure? I'd like some tea.

Uh, no, I'm good.

TOM: Please go. JOSH: Yes.

It's weird, because I don't want to be in the threesome,

but I do feel very left out.

You can do your own sex.

(GROANS)

TOM: This is no way to live! JOSH: Goodnight.

I'm just going to put John out, otherwise he'll be such a little creepy buddy.

-Keep John innocent. -Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

JOSH: That's not his name.

(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANS)

(ARNOLD AND KYLE BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm just a little... I'm just a little thirsty.

(BOTH CONTINUE BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

-No! -They can only see each other.

I thought maybe one of you could stand in there and see if they notice.

-Maybe it's just not your turn yet. -You're so impatient!

-What have you been doing? -Well, um...

I sort of tried to wriggle in the middle, but that was hard,

so then I lay there alone and nobody noticed.

So then I stood in the hallway and I waited for my erection to go down

and then I came in here.

-Would you like a hug? -No.

Gross! Don't touch him. He has sex on him.

No, he doesn't, Tom. Have you even been listening?

I mean, I just... I just could never get used to your underarm hair.

-Don't, Josh! -Like I know, I know, I know.

But it's just... It's just very...

'Cause, like, when I see it I just feel very... (GAGGING)

Please do not make me angry at you when you have got nowhere else to go.

I mean, I'm on board, you know. I mean, I love feminism, you know.

-I mean, I basically am feminism. -I just absolutely don't believe you.

I will never open a door for you.

-Never. Not ever. -Stroke it.

I wouldn't stroke it smooth and I won't stroke it hairy.

Josh, I really just think you need to stroke it.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Yeah, I mean, I really... I really, like, literally thought

I was gonna spend this time having a threesome.

You're thinking too much. Just go back in there

with your eyes closed and follow your instincts.

Oh, please. Where did my instincts ever get us?

Oh, that time you said that the beach wouldn't be fun and it wasn't fun.

-(LAUGHS) -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Where did you go? Why did you leave?

I just started to feel a bit creepy just staring.

Don't be silly. I thought you must have been feeling sick or something.

Nope, I was talking to Ella about her underarm hair.

-Where's Kyle? -He's in the shower.

Oh, no. This is just going to be so hard to explain why you left.

That's such a weird thing to do, Josh.

Hey! Uh, sorry we finished without you.

Where'd you go?

Uh, I was... I was feeling sick.

-Yeah, I was just feeling just real sick. -Oh, really?

That's no good. I've got a bit of a flu at the moment as well.

Must be going around.

Yeah. You're... You're probably sick, too. That's it.

-Hey, do you want my Facebook? -Um, I don't have Facebook.

Okay.

Well, my car's here, so...

-Bye. -Bye.

-See ya. -Bye.

You really should get vaccinated, you know.

The flu might not seem like such a big deal to you,

but then you could become a carrier,

and if you hang out with your grandma or say, an infant, then they might die.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

Yep. Can you please turn the light off?

(JOSH GROANS)

-Uh-oh. -Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, I've done a bad thing, haven't I?

Uh, I existed and then you got naked with a boy and then I didn't exist.

No. No, no, no, you exist.

-Look? See? -I do, I do, I do exist.

Please. Please don't be mad. I was so drunk.

As far as I remember I wasn't there, either.

I'm not mad. I got to see him naked and I'm just going to accept that as a win.

Oh, no. Your feelings are hurt.

-I feel like I can see your feelings. -My feelings aren't hurt, I promise you.

It's not surprising to find out that somebody's more attracted to you

than they are to me.

-Are you sure? -Mmm-hmm.

I mean, you're allowed to be mad at me about this.

I'm not mad. It's not your fault.

I've been trying to be more attractive, but it's just so hard, you know,

'cause of my genetics.

-Your genetics are heaven. -Genetics are ISIS.

Well, sign me up then.

-Do you regret saying that? -Yes, very much.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

ELLA: Where are you?

Why aren't you here? I'm home alone and I don't like it.

I'm going to Mum's house 'cause she begged me

and then after that I'm going to have dinner

with Arnold's parents and Dad and Mae.

It's the first time I've seen Arnold's dad since he got angry that Arnold was gay

and smashed a croquembouche to the ground.

We've spoken about this quite a bit, actually.

We looked his dad up on Facebook. It's a big whole thing.

We spoke about a lot that is big and memorable.

Oh, yes.

I actually had some things I wanted to say about that.

(LAUGHS) Of course.

I keep having thoughts at night

and I get anxious 'cause I've got no one to share them with.

-So I started writing them down. -Okay.

(GASPS) Oh, I think Arnold's dad might be gay.

He dresses so well.

He doesn't dress so well. He just dresses expensive.

He dresses better than your dad.

Maybe I just... I don't want you to think that I think my dad dresses well,

but he absolutely 100% dresses better than Arnold's dad.

I don't want to argue, Josh. It's too nice a day.

If I had a choice of going to this dinner or eating poop,

like, I would absolutely of course pick the dinner,

but I would pause a little bit before deciding.

Phew, it's frustrating to think about all the other thoughts that I had

-that I forgot to write down. -No, no, it isn't.

Aren't you curious why I called?

Um, you had a thought, you looked around,

there was no one there to share it with so you thought,

"Oh, I'll call Josh and tell him."

I bought gluten-free bread, and it's delicious.

Actually delicious.

I mean, I just cannot believe that is true.

Hi, Ma! I gotta go, okay? I'm at Mum's house.

ELLA: It's too soon! I've got more thoughts on the bread.

(CHUCKLES) Fine. Hey, Ma. Hey, Hannah. I'm here!

I'm glad you're here, Josh. Look, do you want any of these bears?

Otherwise, I'm throwing them out.

Gosh, you're throwing away my teddy bears?

-When are you ever playing with them? -Obviously, I'm never playing with them,

but they're sort of like childhood memories and shit.

-Oh, your childhood's over, lovey. -Yeah, real men don't have memories, Josh.

Well, when was the last time you ate off these plates?

-I'm going to throw out these plates. -Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Look, I can't have bears in the house, Josh.

People are going to think I'm attracting children, or something.

Well, what people? I've never seen a person here.

Me. I'm a person.

-Look, do you want to take them or not? -What...

We used to have little tea parties with these, do you remember that?

Oh, we never did that! That must have been a movie you saw.

Now let me throw them away.

It just all feels very sudden.

Well, I thought we might give them to your kids one day,

but obviously you don't want to do that.

Oh. Well, don't you want to remember my childhood?

Not really, no.

All of a sudden I'm Andy in Toy Story 3.

Today, Josh. I want this sorted today.

I am finishing this chore today.

♪ Geronimo Geronimo They're falling like they're dominos ♪

♪ Please believe it and let that be the reason ♪

♪ Geronimo Geronimo They're falling like they're dominos ♪

♪ Sight beat the world and we shall see ♪

♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Geronimo, Geronimo These girls are falling dominos ♪

♪ They, they call me dynamo But I'll be yelling vamanos ♪

♪ So you're 'bout undergo Daenerys in a Game of Thrones ♪

♪ No, I'm not no common hoe Slip sliding down a rabbit hole, what? ♪

♪ And they'll be slaying I slay these bitches double Dutch ♪

♪ And they'll be slaying I slay these bitches so what's up? ♪

♪ Jump! ♪

♪ All around Jump! ♪

♪ Up and down Jump! ♪

♪ Now make your bootie bounce ♪

♪ Bootie bounce ♪

♪ Now make your bootie bounce ♪

Hi. Sorry! I'm so sorry! I caught the bus. I'm an idiot.

I'm too much of a risk-taker.

-You're 25 minutes late. -I'm here now.

-I made you an espresso martini, Josh. -Thank you, Mae, I love you.

-Hello, Josh! -Hello, Donna. Hi, you're looking good.

-Stop flirting. -(CHUCKLES) Okay.

-Bruce. -Josh.

-Sorry. (LAUGHS) -It's all right.

Good to see you again, mate.

Yeah, good we can uh, put things behind us, eh?

-Okay. (LAUGHS) -Ooh, now Bruce is flirting.

What the hell is that?

JOSH: Oh, Mum's, uh, decided to throw out all my old toys today.

Very urgently, apparently.

Your teddy bears? What's she throwing those out for?

-What are they? -ALAN: Josh's teddy bears.

What, did you guys not bring your bears today?

I just want to take a moment here to make sure that everyone knows

Josh has never, ever brought his teddy bears anywhere, ever.

You like bears, do you Josh?

No, they're like... They're like from when I was five.

Yeah, Arnold never liked toys.

Yes, I did. I liked toys.

ALAN: Mae, we should give them to Grace.

Oh, no, Grace can't have it. (CHUCKLES) It's... It's dirty.

Well, they aren't dirty, are they, Mae? That's not...

Yeah, he always makes sure to wash his bears

before he takes them out to a nice dinner.

You see, your mother should ask me about stuff like this.

-I'm gonna call her tomorrow. -MAE: Okay, Alan,

you don't share custody of teddy bears, okay?

You should keep them then, Josh. For... For your kids.

-I'm not having kids, Dad, all right? -DONNA: Bravo!

Grace would like him, wouldn't she?

Oh, uh, Grace prefer cat. (LAUGHS)

No, she doesn't. She's not a cat person.

She's not anything yet, okay? We're not cat people, Mae.

Okay, but we are not also bear people, huh? (CHUCKLES)

Just promise me you won't throw them out.

-Not going to. -ARNOLD: Oh, no.

You really like them, don't you?

-Yeah, they're my... -DONNA: Arnold wouldn't understand.

Yeah, you keep your bears, mate.

Thanks, Bruce.

So I'm standing there and I don't know even know this man,

but I just keep nodding. (LAUGHS)

-She'd never even met him. -Yeah!

He thought she was someone else.

Yeah, and then he says... He says to me,

"So, whatever happened to Mike?"

-This is hilarious. -(LAUGHS)

And I don't know why I did it, but I just panicked,

and then I blurt out of nowhere, "Mike died!"

(LAUGHING)

-(LAUGHING) -Jesus.

-Why did you say that? -MAE: I don't know!

-It just came out! I don't know. -(ALAN LAUGHING)

So then, anyway, he says...

He says "Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, must be awful."

And then he actually start crying.

-(LAUGHING) -He was... He was very upset.

I guess I thought it'd be funny to say it, but then,

-well, I guess I just felt bad. (LAUGHS) -Oh, I'll bet you did.

-(LAUGHING) Then what happened? -Oh, that's it.

-I thought there was something after that. -No.

-(LAUGHING) -Poor bloke. He must have felt awful.

Hope he's okay.

-Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Uh, Yeah. -MAE: Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Arnold, what's your brother up to tonight?

Why would I know that?

Nothing, probably, or drinking, or pretending to be a lesbian on Tinder

to trick lesbians into talking sex with him.

No, just, it'd be really good to get him to...

To meet Alan and Mae before he shoots off.

I mean, Alan... You and Steve, you would hit it off.

-Wouldn't they, Don? -Oh.

-Yeah. -Where's he going?

-Oh, no, thanks love, no. -Steve got a job.

Oh, wow. I didn't hear about this.

Yeah, Dad got Steve a job in Singapore.

-Good on Steve. -Wow, that sounds impressive.

-Yep. -BRUCE: Oh, and very good coin.

That's quite good. Steve's doing quite well, isn't he?

Oh, we're all thrilled. And shocked, but thrilled.

-Are you thrilled, Arnold? -Yep.

Yeah? I mean, you must be very proud of him.

-Yeah, it's great. -It's a bit weird you didn't tell me.

-(JOSH AND BRUCE LAUGHING) -I did tell you.

JOSH: Did you? Mmm...

(STAMMERS) I think I would have remembered such good news.

Mmm, I definitely... I definitely... I definitely told you.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Arnold, are you still hungry? Do you want anything else?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine thanks, Mae.

-(LAUGHING) -Oh, look at him. Just furious.

Josh, stop it!

No, he's always been a little bit jealous of his older brother.

-Oh! -ARNOLD: I'm not jealous.

-What's so incredible about Singapore? -He'll be making a lot of money.

-Just raking it in, drinking cognac... -(CHUCKLING)

...and playing golf and being on various boats.

(LAUGHING)

-What? -I just want to hear you say

-that you're happy for your brother. -I did.

Did you, though?

Yeah, of course I'm fucking happy for my dumb fucking brother!

-Hey, hey, hey, now just ease up, Arnold. -(LAUGHING)

DONNA: Well, apparently, the average penis is shorter now.

MAE: What? ALAN: Yeah, it's only about six inches.

Well, they say it's 5.17 now.

-Well, how long is that? -Oh.

DONNA: I mean, I don't know how it got smaller,

or did we just get better at keeping men honest?

(DONNA AND MAE LAUGHING)

That generation just finds sex things so freakin' funny.

I reckon internet porn ruined that for us.

It's nice they're having fun.

-Are you mad at me? -I'm fine.

I mean, it's... It's just you're being quite awful.

-I'm being awful? -Yeah.

What was that inside?

I was just playing. I'm a fun guy, remember?

I just don't know why you always have to make fun of me.

-Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. -No...

-Just sweet pea. -Josh, they'll see us.

They're not gonna see us here. Just... Just kiss me on the mouth.

Come over here.

I don't want to kiss

-with my parents watching. -Just do kissing and not fight.

Hmm?

See?

Oh! Oh, sorry.

-I'm sorry. Sorry. -(LAUGHING)

-Fuck. Shit. -(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

-Oh, is everything okay, Bruce? -Yeah, yeah, you know, just...

I just disturbed the boys having a bit of a cuddle, that's all.

It's gonna take him months to repress that.

-Come on! -You never listen to me, Josh.

You make fun of me all the time and now you think I'm awful.

-I didn't say you were awful. -You literally just said it.

-I said you were being awful. -You're humiliating me.

I mean, you used to think I was a fun, nice guy

and if I overstepped the mark you'd give me the benefit of the doubt.

-But now... -Trouble in paradise?

It's reassuring to know that gay people are as miserable as we are.

(LAUGHING)

Do you know how tiring it is being teased all the time? All the time?

You used to follow me around the house like John,

but now you don't even notice if I leave in the middle of a threesome.

Are you actually mad about the Kyle thing

or are you just saying that to make me feel bad?

It's a pretty weird thing to do, isn't it?

Yeah, I understand that I'm weird, Josh.

I'm a very fuckin' weird guy.

But I would like to know if my boyfriend is upset!

-Everyone's listening. -You always do this.

You say you don't care, then you hold onto it to win a bigger argument later.

It's so manipulative. You put your feelings on credit

and make me pay for them later.

That's a weird little analogy you've been working...

I mean, why couldn't you be honest this morning?

I was trying to keep the peace. But now that I know

you're not interested in keeping the peace, I'm trying to win.

It's not my fault Kyle didn't want to have sex with you!

Maybe if you weren't so obnoxious to the taxi driver...

Josh is right. We can all hear you.

Oh!

Thanks, Dad.

-Just gonna let what you just said slide. -You're doing it again.

Okay.

-I don't wanna go inside. -Mmm-mmm, nope.

-Let's just get it over with. -Yeah.

(LINE RINGING)

-CLAIRE: Hi! -Are we friends any more?

This is a bit much.

-Oh, no. -I've just been very busy.

Yeah, I've also been busy. Do you think I haven't been busy?

I've just been very busy, okay? Working, and, like, living.

Like, living heaps actually.

Hey, goji berries are stupid, yeah?

Like, they're no better than any other dried fruit.

All super foods are just normal foods with a better narrative.

See? Josh also can't understand

how a physicist could be fooled into thinking that goji berries are magic!

-Hi, Warren. -I'm not passing that on.

He's annoying me right now.

Maybe you just don't like me any more.

That's fine. Like, that's understandable, okay?

I've never really liked me.

Do you really need me to say that I like you?

-Uh, yeah. Yeah. -I like you.

Did Tom do something creepy? Is that what this is?

I can see you without Tom there, if that's what you need.

No, Tom hasn't been a part of my decision-making for like two years.

I've just been hanging out with Warren. He lives next to a park. It's very shady.

Warren is literally the most horrible name.

What are you doing this week?

I just could not imagine kissing a Warren.

-Let's hang out this week. -No, you don't want to.

You'll cancel or forget. Honestly, it's fine.

-We can get best-friend-forever tattoos. -Okay. I don't need you, you know?

You know there's a lot of girls out there looking for a gay best friend.

See? No one else gets to talk to me like that.

When we're 50, we'll have dinner and we'll laugh

and everything'll be exactly the same as it's always been.

Meanwhile, I can't figure out if Arnold hates me or if I hate Arnold, so...

-WARREN: Claire, I need a towel! -I have to go.

-Of course. Bye. -Bye.

-What have you made? -Chocolate quinoa slice.

You made a special gluten-free treat.

That's pretty cute.

-Oh, my God. -Is it all right?

It is so delicious.

Why are you being weird?

Okay, I need you to eat that slice while I talk for a bit.

Okay.

Okay, I've been kind of annoyed ever since you moved in.

And I think it's because when it was just Josh and me,

I didn't care if I was a good person or not.

But now you've moved in and I've started noticing

just how far I've let that slip.

I've started noticing lots of things, like, um, I'm always slouching,

constantly look like I've just lost custody of the kids,

-(CHUCKLES) -I've never bought shampoo, always Josh's.

No idea what I look like without extra volume.

I am not enrolled to vote

and I'm way too friendly with that guy at 7-Eleven.

And I'm panicking now because I want to be a better person for you,

but I don't know how to do that

while I'm living with a friend who prefers it if I'm shit.

So what I'm asking you is if you would like to move out with me,

but it is a bad idea

and you should eat that slice rather than answering. Thank you.

-Um... -What are you doing? Why are you talking?

You don't need to talk.

-Gosh... (SIGHS) -Don't need to talk at all.

-Tom... -Don't talk.

-ELLA: Tom... -Be quiet!

-No, listen... -No, you don't need to do that...

Tom, yes! Yeah. Yeah. Good.

-Yeah, let's do it. -Okay.

Wow.

Well, that's good news.

-(CHUCKLES) -(DOG BARKING)

-When? -(DOOR OPENS)

-I don't know. -JOSH: Hello, friends!

-(DOOR CLOSES) -Josh, we're moving out.

We literally just had that conversation,

literally just before you walked in the door.

Oh, no. I have had it up to here with things.

This is not a whole big thing, though.

I mean, it is a big thing, isn't it? You two are moving out.

This little world that we've created is dead

and now we have to create a whole new little world and that just...

That actually... Yeah, that seems like a pretty big thing.

Here you go, buddy.

I don't like it when you put it like that, do I,

when you said, "This little world is dead"?

You guys are gonna go and have a baby

and you're going to stop being friends with me.

Whoa! Whoa! We're not having a baby.

Absolutely. Absolutely you're gonna get pregnant

'cause you're lousy with condoms. Then you're going to realise

that your whole life has been building up to what's really important,

which is your baby. Matilda? Probably Matilda.

You know, what am I going to have?

I'm not going to stop being friends with you if we have a baby.

JOSH: Absolutely 100% you would.

How many times have you heard people say that?

What are we going to talk about after you have a baby? Your baby?

I don't wanna talk about your baby.

We are literally having zero babies, so...

It'll give you and Arnold more space.

-I think Arnold hates me. -Arnold doesn't hate you, Josh.

I'm sick of things ending like it's sad or a Harry Potter finish.

Or it's awful to think about how Leonardo DiCaprio isn't hot any more.

I was never hot.

He was so hot and now he's just normal, and that same shift is gonna happen to me,

but I never started hot.

-Where's the baba ghanoush? -In the bin.

-It was off. -I never got to taste it.

Now I have to buy new dip. It's just another thing!

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't have a baby.

I don't want to have a baby.

The problem here isn't me not being able to have a baby.

It's everybody else having to have a baby.

That's the next big thing.

That's the new frontier for people our age.

What have I got left? Nothing. I've tried everything good.

I've tried everything good.

Life's meant to get boring as you get older,

so it's not so disappointing when you die.

I read ketamine is the next big drug.

Ketamine. It's horse tranquiliser.

I'm gonna be another single, mid-thirties homosexual

high on ketamine,

with just so much spare money.

And then I'm gonna buy myself a beach house

and then that's going to go under water

'cause on top of every other nice thing, weather's ending too.

Oh, I feel sick.

Don't make it worse! Talking about things doesn't help.

I don't like this slice.